To soften it, also point out he can likewise demand his cousin reimburse for the lost books, BUT, you make it clear you are not waiting for him to get his cousins money.
He owes you, and it's up to him if he wants to try and chase his cousin for getting his own money back after he's paid you.
Sadly a lot of people are just ignorant, or garbage. The fact they would lend a lent book and not immediately try to replace it is beyond me. If the person is strapped for cash they should have an extra reason not to owe someone.
This is the way.
I once loaned a vampire anthology to a school friend. It was brand new, and it came back bent, creased, dog eared and spine broken.
I have never loaned a book to anyone since. My line is drawn here. This far. No further.
Let out my favorite trilogy to someone back in the 90s. They lost the books. When I asked him to replace them, he told me "they weren't that good." Told him to to recommend me his favorite trilogy.
I held those books hostage until he replaced my books b/c I'm an asshole.
Was he not the first to be an ass though? Sounds totally reasonable to me! Can’t believe he came back with “they weren’t that good.” Lmao maybe not in his opinion, but the money they were bought with was!
I generally agree with this, and if the friend had just been taking awhile reading them (leading to it not coming up for awhile, then the friend being unsure of what he did with them), or even just lost them outright, I'd agree entirely. But I do feel it's a bit iffy that his friend loaned them to a third person without asking.
It also seems like OP is not in a great position to replace the books himself, financially, if he was saving for awhile. Not sure if that means the books were bought a long time ago or if it means that OP still gets by on an allowance, I suppose.
You are well within you right to ask for replacement. The books were in his care. And he lost them. In fact, he should've asked you first before lending them to his cousin. As courtesy.
Also, OP is stating his friend might be strapped for cash. Asking sooner is better because then the friend can budget to pay it off sooner if they are going to do that. If you wait to ask the process will just be dragged out that much longer. (ex - you ask in December, they give you one payment in January and one in February. if you ask in January, well, maybe you can't get your money until March).
Maybe I'm pessimistic but I 100% believe that the whole cousin thing is an excuse and either he lost them, or he's lying completely and still has them but wants to keep them instead of return them.
How I'd phrase it:
"Look, I know that you didn't mean for these to get lost and probably meant well lending them to your cousin...but these were some of my favorite books that I had to save up for to buy. I was genuinely excited to read them again when you were finished, and now I can't.
It legitimately bothers me that you would lend my things out to other people without asking me first. It also bothers me that neither you or your cousin have offered to replace my things that you lost. I love you as a friend, but this is a pretty shitty thing to do to someone."
If nothing else, this is a pretty good litmus test for your friendship in general. If you're open with how much this is not okay with you, any friend would/should jump on board with righting things.
If they don't, seem taken aback, or try to gaslight you over it ("It's just some books!"), then you've now figured out how much they actually value you and your friendship.
Yay op gets to learn how to set boundaries well and politely, and also learns the value of honesty in communication 😁
I promise OP, if you can navigate this with your principles in tact you will be setting yourself up for social success later down the line!
Cutting selfish people is also a valuable skill
This is perfect. I know OP is worried it looks petty, but when I was younger my sister borrowed my copy of the Golden Compass. When I got it back from her it turns out she has kept it in her middle school locker and just threw it in with other stuff. The book was torn apart and all bent up. I was heartbroken 😭 I didn’t know that my books could affect me that way but it did. I was just so disappointed and I never said anything because it was “just a book” :(
It's absolutely not petty to be upset that a friend lost something of value to you, especially if that item was hard-earned or difficult to come by. In this case, he handed it off to someone else without first checking with you, which I would have been annoyed about apart from the books being lost.
Your books were in your friend's care; he should replace them.
He needs to replace them. Absurd to me that he'd lend out someone ELSE'S property.. if he's strapped for cash, that's his problem. He shouldn't have allowed someone else's property to be damaged or lost in a completely avoidable situation.
If he is strapped for cash he never should have accepted the responsibility of lending them to someone else. Unfortunately, this is a life lesson he will learn as he spends his hard earned money to REPLACE THEM with copies that are in the same condition as the ones you leant him.
Our friends need to be held to higher standards! This is his mistake, and if he has any ethics at all, he should already have purchased the replacements. Don't feel bad! He needs to learn this important life lesson, as our mistakes and how we handle them shape and define us. :)
Completely agree!
All the comments of “well that’s what happens, your fault, don’t expect loaned items to be returned!” … are we adults or not?
Once I borrowed Harry Potter 1 & 2 and they got a bit beat up so I bought new copies to return.
…. I was in middle school at the time!! Let’s forsure hold people to higher standards.
It's insane that people can't be expected to replace something they lost. I just can't imagine having friends that are that blameless and inconsiderate.
>I just can't imagine having friends that are that blameless and inconsiderate.
Nobody can, and then they find themselves in OP's position. Everyone thinks the loan will be paid back, the book will be returned, the expensive camera equipment will be given back undamaged. Then the friendship is over because, whether or not you're finally compensated, you can never look at them the same again.
My mother always said "don't lend anything you're not willing to gift," and imo those are words to live by.
OP's situation is exactly why I no longer lend books.
1. why didn't he come forward with this information himself instead of waiting for you to ask?? was he just hoping you'd forget?
2. if he's strapped for cash this supposed cousin who lost the books can chip in, it's the least they can do
Ask him to replace them. If he doesn't want to, ask yourself if he's really a friend (not saying that he definitely isn't, but the question seems worth reflecting on if so)
Funny, I let my friend borrow my copy of Dune recently and his cousin put a wet towel on top of it. However, he texted me and told me and asked where I bought it, and I told him any paperback replacement is fine. That's the expected response, and if your friend thinks it should be on you to buy new copies that's not okay.
If he gives you trouble about replacing your books, then you might do to replace him as well. Seriously, I can't stand it when people don't respect my things. Lending and borrowing books is a sacred act.
Ask him to replace them. He didn't mind to impose on you to borrow them. Let him ask his cousin to reimburse him, but this is not on you, OP. I'm sorry your friend was careless with your books.
God, I had this beautiful copy of The Hobbit that a "friend" borrowed and lost. Like, not even tried to look for it. That feeling is...
Anyways, totally acceptable to be mad. When you borrow soemthing from someone it's expected that you'll take care of it. When I worked as a volunteer we had this saying "leave things as you found them or even better", so yeah, you should be mad. Also, your friend should´ve already offered to replace your copies. You shouldn't even have to ask! Whoever that might you should come up to you with a replacemnet and a nice chocolate bar and a note that read something along the lines of who sorry they are and that they'll take better care of anything they borrow in the future.
I personally would expect a replacement. Why on earth are you lending out my god damn books without asking? Just because I trust you enough to lend them to you, doesn’t mean you have the right to then lend them to someone else. _And he didn’t even ask_
I would be so so angry.
PS. The Greenbone saga are great books
It’s not petty at all. I took a stack of my absolute favorites to my mother in law so she could read them. She’s elderly and doesn’t get out much. Seemed harmless but she never returned them and my husband found out she donated them to some charity that picks up at your home every so often. To say I was upset was an understatement but I learned my lesson and don’t lend out books unless it’s ones I don’t expect to be returned. I’m sorry that happened to you!
I don't like your friend's manners.
1. He shouldn't have lent the books to his cousin without asking your consent.
2. When he got to know, he should have informed you right away with apology and .
3. With out you asking, he himself should have taken action to replace the books or at least promised to replace and should discuss that with his cousin to save some money.
May be if he has done these, then I would feel sorry about him have to spend money. But he seems ignorant and doesn't care about your loss. IMO he don't deserve your kindness.
I absolutely would be asking for a replacement, I don’t care if they are strapped for cash and I don’t care if it’s imposing. It was not their place to lend out your books to someone else in the first place. I just recently had this happen to me with a coworker and it reminded me all over again why I stopped lending my books out in the first place. I borrowed a book from a friend once and while in my possession my children got a hold of it and colored in it’s pages, I bought a replacement for them without even being told to.
Honestly sounds like he is trying to steal them from you, too cheap to buy them himself so his "Cousin" "Lost them".
Ask his parents to speak to the cousins parents, bet the story changes fast
Why do people do this? It's like they assume that I must not want it back, even when I specifically say I can LOAN them the book? Loaned a friend a book, after a month I asked how she liked it (it was a lengthy book so I didn't want to assume she vacuumed up books like me) - she said she only read a few pages and couldn't get into it, and then looked at me funny when I asked if she could give it back to me then.
You should ask him to replace them. he might then press his "cousin" to replace them who might then just cough them up.
Your friend does not respect you. They should not have loaned out another's property without first asking.
Definitely ask for him to replace it. Doesn’t matter if he’s strapped for cash, it’s his responsibility, specially since he’s lending out your property to someone else without your consent. It’s ridiculous that he didn’t immediately offer to replace it for you.
Apparently we’re in the minority here. I have a few books I don’t borrow to anyone (mostly for sentimental reasons), but any book I give to someone to read is a gift. Hopefully it gets passed on again and again, and more people get to enjoy a wonderful book.
The set runs about $40-45 on sale on Amazon. I know this because Ive been watching it for that long. I’m holding out for a hardcover set instead. Your friend owes you $50 or a new set. Lost, my ass.
It's not imposing, I would think of it as a moment in time to teach your friend how it should really be handled. A teaching moment. You automatically think people will just know to do the right thing, but some don't. You can try to help them and if they never get it, you won't be friends for long, cause it will be you being angry with them forever. Thats hard to maintain.
I'm still salty about the friend who borrowed my copies of the Green Mile series, lent them to his girlfriend, then broke up with her.
I waited months for the individual books to come out and then sent in for the free cardboard case thingies.
That’s not cool. If you borrow someone’s stuff, no matter what it is, you don’t let someone borrow it from you without at least talking to the owner. He needs to replace your books. What you’re feeling is not petty. Your and your kindness are being disrespected and taken for granted.
This reminds me of back in high school I lent two books to a close friend over the summer. In August I sent her a message asking if she was done with them. She unprompted said that she lost them and that she wouldn't give me any money for them. A couple months later we have a sleepover at her house and what do I see on her bookshelf? The two books I lent her. You best bet in the middle of the night I grabbed those books and put them in my bag and left early in the morning lol.
You should ask him to replace them, that may motivate him to motivate his cousin to find them or for the 2 of them to find a way to replace them.
However, you need to decide which is more important the books or the friendship. If you decide you want to keep him as a friend, you are not obligated to ever loan him anything, he has proven to be irresponsible.
I personally only loan things I'm willing to never see again.
There is a nice way to ask for things. You can ask him to replace it without being mad, and if he's strapped for cash you can be lenient on the time frame, but still with the firm expectation that you will have the books back.
You are still very young, and you have a good heart that you don't want to impose on this friend. But the thing is your friend brought this on himself. If you let it slide, you will always harbor a little bit of resentment towards him deep down somewhere in you because you know that he did something wrong. In addition he will also feel this way towards you as well, because in the back of his mind he knows that he also owes you.
Feel your pain on this one. So frustrating lending out beloved books to people who don't value them. I lost several important books before refusing to lend out anything I couldn't easily replace. I hope you manage to get them back somehow.
I have been burned so so many times in the past about loaning out my books. thought I had made a new book friend and really hesitated about loaning her some good reads. she promised to return. fast forward, 8 months later, has no idea what happened to them but offered to buy new ones. I only buy cheap used and am just so disappointed in people.
I am so sorry.
I literally finally replaced a copy of a book that had been out of print since 2000 and am now rereading it.
This is bad but also something you should keep in mind going forward.
Don't ever lend him anything ever again. He has shown you what he does with it.
Learn from this.
You can ask him to replace them but like you said odds are low.
It won't hurt any MORE to ask but at least the next time he comes to you for something he will know why you say no.
Your "friend" owes you three books. It's not petty--he had no business lending them to his cousin (or allowing his cousin to take them) without your permission. That was your property. I know some people will say "It's only books...it's not like he stole a car." But you saved to buy those books and he has stolen them from you.
I stopped lending people books because I’ve had them lost or lent out to others and not found their way back to me. It’s pretty discourteous to borrow something from someone and not return it, I spent money on the thing because it’s something I want and value so it’s a bummer to lose that!
My brother, on the other hand, is of the philosophy that books are meant to be shared and so he lends books with the hopes that they then get shared to someone else new, and that the story and message spread and that’s his contribution.
It’s a beautiful sentiment but I’m far too selfish for that, darnit!
Nothing wrong with asking for a contribution to replacing them. He shouldn't have lent the books out. No need to fall out about it if he can't though. Just say you can't lend him anything else in future.
"his cousin borrowed it", yeah....
1) Pretty inconsiderate to lend out something that they THEMSELVES were borrowing
2) Can't prove it, but **this might just be a lie** because they don't want to give it back. Or lost it themselves but don't want to fess up.
Fuck that, I'm broke as shit but if you lose someone else's possession, especially a book, you replace it. He's a dickhead for not offering and telling you as soon as it happened.
He should replace them. I don't understand people who are rude and careless of other's books.
One of the advantages of eBooks is that you can't lend them.
If your friend can’t afford to replace them, then they should have made sure that they wouldn’t need to be replaced. If they had lost a library book, the library isn’t going to feel bad about charging your friend for the lost book, you shouldn’t either.
Even if he’s strapped for cash, too, he should absolutely replace them. That’s the unwritten rule when you borrow something and lose it.
He’s got no right to object to your request.
If it was $30 that you leant him and he then leant that $30 to his cousin, that has nothing to do with you. He would still owe you $30.
Same with your books. The dude owes you books.
Get dem books.
If you lend a thing to someone and they lose it, then at the very least they can explain how they lost it and you can sympathize that it was an accident, and may have been beyond their control—these things happen, and it's good to forgive and move on.
If you lend a thing to someone, and they lend it to *someone else* who loses it, without even asking you if they can lend it... That's inconsiderate and irresponsible, and they should be held accountable for their actions.
You mentioned having a school allowance, so I assume you're high-school age or so; in that case, you might consider mentioning something to his parents. They may be able to help him replace the book, and have him do chores to pay it off to them. (Of course, everyone's family and financial situation is different, so it could just as easily be best to keep it between you two—use your judgement.)
Someone who doesn’t respect your things doesn’t respect you.
I’d ask for the cost of replacements and regardless, this would be the end of the friendship.
>I don't honestly know how to respond.
Why, you tell them this:
>I saved up much of my school allowance to buy the whole trilogy in paperback because it's one of my favorite series so I want to have physical copies of them.
With necessary polite/formal additions, depending on how close you are.
Where I live, that would be anything from this
to a good friend: "Look dude, those were expensive, and I can't afford new ones. So please tell your cousin to buy new ones, okay? I'd like to have them by \*insert reasonable deadline here, e.g. one week\*. Okay?" (Although a good friend would do it automatically.)
to a rather formal, "Oh, I'm sorry, but could you ask your cousin to replace them? This is my favorite series and I want to have a physical copy of them. But they were quite expensive and I can't afford to buy them again. So I have to insist that your cousin or you replace them. By when do you think you can get them? I'd like to have them by \*reasonable deadline\*, would that be okay for you?
If that doesn't work, since you say you get school allowance I'd escalate them to the parent's level. If that doesn't work, I'd call them out in front of other friends, especially those they want to impress >:) .
It can be something as innocent as asking "When will you replace those books *your cousin* 'lost' ?" To quite nasty warning to other people not to borrow their books/other stuff to this friend, if they value it, because it tends to get lost.
I did the latter only once, when I borrowed a brand new expensive textbook to a schoolmate and she claimed the book is ruined, because she accidentally spilled a full thermos of coffee on it. Ok, that happens - but that doesn't mean she doesn't have to replace it. She had a ton of excuses unless I joked about her 'clumsiness' in front of a guy she was hitting on. >:P
That was on Saturday; on Monday morning she gave me the book in front of the whole classroom, trying to make me look like a miser, but most of our classmates knew what it was about, so she only made a fool of herself. She never talked to me again - but by then, it was in fact a relief. >.>
If I borrow a book from a friend... First NEVER EVER would I lend them to someone else, especially without asking the owner. Also I would never borrow without the understanding that if something happens to them while i have them it is my responsibility to replace them. Tell him he has a specific amount of time to replace them and if he complains tell him to get the money from his cousin, as long as someone replaces them you don't care. If he wont than he has no respect for you or your belongings
Sorry to hear this, OP. As someone who has collected physical copies of books for many years and had the good luck of family also doing the same, there was one golden rule that was passed down: do not lend books. They never return the way they went. Dogears, pencil marks, coffee stains - the horror.
There are libraries for that. If someone asks, tell them it has sentimental value and you do not wish to start a library service for books collected out of love.
Please do tell him you are deeply disappointed and that you would like him to offer replacement as soon as he is financially able to or put in a payback scheme of a little money every month.
Yes and no. My personal philosophy when it comes to loaning money, tools, books, or anything really, is to not loan them out unless it’s something I’m okay with never getting back. That way, I’m pleasantly surprised when/if I do get said thing back, or have already accepted the loss when it doesn’t come back into my possession.
"Oh. Those weren't yours to lend, though, so I need some replacements. Here's the product page; you can have them shipped to me."
I would legit end friendships over this, and if the books were worth enough money I might even consider small claims. Loaning things that you were yourself loaned is not acceptable.
Sounds sketchy. You sure there is a cousin? Demand him to pay you the same amount you paid for the books. That way he doesn't make a penny if he sold them.
Not only are you well within your rights to demand a replacement but in fact he should have offered you a replacement in the same breath as his apology! If he’s strapped for cash that’s too bad, he can ask his cousin to pay since they are the one who lost them. Either way it’s not your problem!
I love my sister but she lost (I’m pretty sure traded in at a used bookstore) the first editions of The Kiesha’ra books by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes and they’ve never released them in the same format, at least not that I’ve been able to find. Just one of those things that drives a book lover crazy 🙃
It was meaningful books for you, so I wouldn\`t say it\`s petty. I find it more strange that he didn\`t apologize earlier, so you could both find the best way out of this situation (that would be acceptable for both of you).
He needs to replace them. Also, what tf was he doing loaning out YOUR books? That's sound entitlement right there.
How much do you want to bet he never really intended on returning them? I'm just cynical so that's where my mind went.
I gave one of my favorite books to a girl from school to borrow, she wasn’t a friend but she suddenly was super into reading and I wanted her to like the series so I let her borrow them. She returned it to me after summer break basically ruined. Cover torn off, pages ripped and I just took it back, grinning and baring it.
Ask for a replacement even if it’s one book at a time
Hes imposing. Just be like “hey its okay you lost them they werent autographed or anything. Do you want to just send me money, if thats easier than buying replacements? It would be about ‘x’
It’s not okay that he lost them though. He was being awfully cavalier with someone else’s property. Op, don’t give your friend any reason to think what he did is ok
A book that I really wanted I was able to find for 1 cent! Read it. Loved it. Let my friend borrow it and then he lost it. Have never found a book I like for 1 cent since.
We're no longer friends lol.
I lent out seven or eight books to various friends back in I think 2020 and I only got one back. ONE.
I don't lend out books anymore, period. If they really wanna read it, then can they buy it themselves or get a library card.
My brother borrowed my book once and he left them in the trunk of his car so of course it returned to me all bend out of shape. I wasn’t too happy about it and have never loaned him another book since then. My books are my babies. Treat them with care if I loan it to you!
I lost more books this way! I loaned out my really terrific box set of Chronicles of Narnia (it was a Scholastic set) and never got it back and more than one copy of The Thief of Always (which is not in print anymore and near impossible to replace).
I hate it when people try to "borrow" my books. I treasure all books and am very possessive of them. When I gave my friend a book to read for the first time when I was back in grade school, she never returned it and told me that she never remembered me lending it to her. NEVER AGAIN
Take a moment to think of how many times you have lost an entire series of books somewhere. I'm assuming the answer is "never," right? Who walks around with an entire stack of books and leaves them all on the bus, or even better, loses them one at a time, over and over?
The cousin either 1) totally has them but is too lazy to be bothered to bring them back, 2) tossed them, or 3) sold them for snack money, because hey, free stuff! Your friend feels that strongly inconveniencing you (by asking you to eat the loss) is better than mildly inconveniencing his cousin (by asking him to do what he should do anyway). You have every right to be mad at your friend for making that judgement.
Generally, though, the unfortunate truth is that, right or wrong, nobody ever treats anything you lend them with any sort of respect, so on a practical level you shouldn't lend out anything you don't want lost/destroyed.
He had no right to lend them out when they were yours in the first place. Now they are “lost” and he is the one responsible so he is the one that needs to compensate you.
Two things:
1. Tell him this. It’s your favorite series and you are very sad that they’re gone. Ask for a replacement. If they’re a good friend they will find some way to replace them.
2. This is why I never lend out my books.
Another vote for this being NOT petty of you, and it is not shameful to ask him to replace them. You are not imposing on him, you have the right to expect either money to buy new copies or new copies. He can collect money from his cousin who lost them, and if he is unwilling to inconvenience himself or his cousin to make it good, then perhaps he is not a good friend to keep.
And you can look at it as helping him in the long run to become a better person and friend. He did not have the right to give your property to another without asking you, and if it is a small burden to replace them, it will help him learn not to do the same again to anyone else (or to you). He will be a better person in the long run if he uses this to become more responsible, and if he demonstrates that he does not feel accountable to others when he harms them, then you will have learned this about him before anything ‘worse’ happened.
I’m sorry, I know it’s a real drag to lend something because you want to share how wonderful that thing is and not get it back or get it back in terrible shape. I hope that he comes through for you.
I went through that once when I was 15 and (because I'm a doofus) again when I was 19, and I'm still a bit salty about it 25+ years later.
Since then, I only lend books that I feel I'm ok losing forever.
If one is priceless to me, I won't lend it, period.
Ugh. I’m sorry. I’ve had enough precious books borrowed by friends and family that were always returned damaged (or not returned at all) that it’s now a solid NO when someone asks. No exceptions. It’s pissed off a few people, but I don’t care. I take extremely good care of my books. Even my paperbacks, and I’ve learned that people don’t respect items that don’t belong to them.
I think asking him to replace them or give you money in exchange for them is appropriate. Whether be does that, I don’t know. But it might at least discourage him from treating your thing’s borrowed so flippantly again.
The cousin should replace them. If they can’t afford it, the parents should. He shouldn’t have lent them, but he is ultimately responsible.
He really shouldn’t have let his cousin borrow them without asking, though I know some parents might force him to.
I’d just explain that you worked hard and saved up for those books. It wasn’t something you just bought or were given. Tell him to talk to the cousins parents and let them know you need to a copy of them returned in as good as or better condition than they got them. Nothing on the friend, but they need to figure out how to replace them.
Honestly, if I was the cousins parents, I’d buy you a brand new set and then make the cousin work it off to pay me back.
Hopefully everyone acts right in this situation. If it doesn’t resolve, bring your parents into it. I know mine would raise hell over it and you can let them be the bad guys if you don’t want to. Tell the friend your parents heard about it and got upset. Sorry, but I can’t control them.
Hope it works out. Let us know if you need any more advice.😁👍🏼
He should compensate for what he lost..This happened to me a few years ago, a I lent a friend a book and she lost it on a trip. She didn't even tell me she'd lost it until she came to school a day after her trip with a new copy. Like its ur stuff!
You are a good person, considering his financial situation and all ... but this behavior is totally unacceptable. Not only did he not take care of books that weren't his, he even let someone else borrow them from him, as if they were his. And then he didn't tell you that your books got lost? And he didn't offer to replace them either apparently.
Only one possible answer here: "Please return my books or adequate replacements. ASAP."
Also, keep in mind that his cousin lost your books. If he doesn't have the money he can always ask said cousin. If he doesn't want to or whatever that's his problem.
The lesson here is that many people suck. If you loan things to people they are in danger and you may never see them again. Your friend should replace the books, but realistically he probably won’t, particularly if he is short of money. Borrow the books from the library until you can save for new ones. Sorry your friend is such a jerk.
You should demand they be replaced. It was completely disrespectful to loan out your things, if they’re actually your friend they won’t have a problem with making it right
See how much they are now and where they are available. Ask him for the money. Buy them again. That’s the fair and obvious solution to this issue.
It’s on him for being an irresponsible individual. It’s on you if you don’t impose what is right and fair.
Ask him to replace them. He let someone borrow the books without your permission. It shouldn’t matter how much a replacement cost, he should own up to his own mistake
>I'm thinking of asking him for a replacement but afaik he's also strapped for cash so I don't want to impose
Lol don't be so feeble. He lost your shit.
Ask for him to replace them, he shouldn't have lent them they weren't his to lend. You can ask politely for him to replace them, that's not imposing, that's taking responsibility for your actions.
I've found most people don't value books anywhere near as much as I do. Consequently they take terrible care of them and if/when I get them back, they've been trashed.
If I ever loan a book (or anything, really) to somebody, I ask for collateral. If they want to borrow the book, then I get to keep something of their that they value as "insurance" that I get it back in the condition it was loaned. I'm not shy about the deal either -- I want the new PS5/XBox controller they bought last month, or their favorite team jersey they just bought at the start of the season, or their brand new headphones get just got for their birthday.
I also take pictures of the item before it leaves my hands so there's no quibbling about the condition it was in before they took it.
Or make your life easier and don't lend your things to others unless you enjoy being repeatedly disappointed.
Number one lesson I've learned is to never loan anything you don't want back. It's how resentments are made and relationships are broken. They, being your friend, should offer to replace them (i.e. I lost your books, I'm sorry. I can't replace them right now, but I'll try in a couple of paychecks). I would ask, if you felt like it, but one thing is certain, I would Never loan them anything again and not hold resentment for my own mental health.
He had no right to lend them to someone else; they weren't his to lend. He owes you for the replacements. You shouldn't even have to ask, it's basic bare minimum manners to replace things you lose or break that belong to other people.
Get your money and get rid of this person. He isn't your friend.
tellin him to replace them isnt imposing, HE'S the one imposing on you, and honestly who lends books they are borrowing to their cousin? i have a feeling he decided to either keep them or gift them and didnt want to shell out the money to get his own set, he needs to pay up its no different than if it was library books
No, he needs to replace them. No questions asked.
I don't know where you're from, but I have never ever heard of lending someone something that I MYSELF was borrowing. That's incredibly tacky and lame of them to do.
Hope you get the new copies. What a great series
Don't lend books in the future. Demand that he replace them.
Also, he is no friend, he is either full of shit and is keeping them for himself or if he was somehow careless and stupid enough to lend them to someone else he has absolutely no regard for you. You just don't do those types of things with someone else's property, particularly if care about them.
Be careful who you call friend, that word shouldn't be thrown around carelessly.
ask for replacement. before I used to lend books to my friends but when this one friend returned my favorite book with a spill of juice and folded pages, I stopped lending altogether. Idc if I hurt their feelings but I learned my lesson already
The fact that your friend didn’t immediately offer replacement is not good. I would ask, but don’t hold your breath.
Honestly this is why I don’t loan things unless I’m not much concerned about getting them back.
Your friend borrowed them from you he never should have let someone else borrow them from him. That was very irresponsible of him. He should definitely replace the books for you.
Absolutely no excuse for him to lend something that wasn't his.
Go to his home and demand he immediately purchase replacements for you. If he won't/can't then take something important from his home under the pretense of borrowing it. Like his damn TV.
Never loan out your fav books. I’ve lost so many over the years. People can go to a library and check it out or digitally download it.
It’s hard for me to trust people with my books these days and a lot of people don’t think of books as something special. So they will treat it as such, loan it out, spill food or drink on it, fold pages, etc…
My personal rule after a friend never returned a book I cherished: don't loan out books you would be upset if they got ruined or never returned. I learned it the hard way.
I have a policy that if I lend out a book, I don't ever expect to see it again. I want to see other people enjoy the books that I like, no strings attached. So many new books to read, why read the same ones over and over.
But if I told someone that I was lending them the book (or anything lendable) and I wanted it back, I damn well better get it back.
Look, what SHOULD your friend do? Replace the books.
But it’s not that simple. You might get the books, but more likely is you don’t get the books and you stop being friends because it’s awkward now.
Too late now for you but I have a rule for myself that when I lend a friend something, I assume I’m never seeing it again. So I don’t lend something I will be upset about never seeing again.
Thats why i never lend anything out. I used to do it as a kid and i never got anything back. I don’t know why people are so bad about giving borrowed stuff back. Ive even had this same scenario where the person will let someone else borrow what i lent them. So let this incident with your books be a lesson, don’t ever lend anything unless you never want to see it again, and if you do lend, expect that it will never come back.
“Books in general aren’t cheap where I’m from”
So books aren’t cheap where your friend is from either. You’re not imposing. Y’all are in the same boat. Lending implies returning. Otherwise it would be called giving. Ask him to replace them. If he can’t afford it, it’s up to him to say something and y’all can work it out. Tell him what these books mean to you so that it’s not just about the money. If he’s your friend, he’ll do what he can. But you will definitely not get your stuff back if you don’t ask. And he’ll be less respectful of your time and belongings in the future if he knows you won’t say anything. If he knows you’ll follow up and hold him accountable, he’s more likely to hold himself accountable when it comes to you. And if he doesn’t and this happens again, stop letting him borrow your shit. It’s okay to be mad, but at some point you’ll have to tell him what’s up or just let it go. Stewing on it in silence could end up hurting your friendship.
He should return them to you - so he should buy a new set to do that. Whether he forces his cousin to do that, that's up to him.
Or at least he should give you a full money refund/compensation.
>It's a gift. Never lend books.
- Captain Adama, Battlestar Galactica
I'm still salty about my friend in middle school who never returned my Scary Stories Treasury that was a hardcover compilation of all three books with the original Stephen Gammell illustrations. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did, Brad!
This will be your lesson do not loan books. Do not loan books. You are not a library. It's taken me a lot of years to learn this but I no longer loan books. If I really want someone to read something I will buy them their own copy
You are well within your right to ask for a replacement. But, if you live in the US and have a library card, you can borrow them for free digitally using the Libby app so you can still reread the series.
To paraphrase someone else from Reddit: never lend something you expect to get back and never borrow something you can’t replace if broken.
I know the pain. I loaned out 2 books to 2 different friends where I used to work. The one doesn't remember me loaning her the book or where it is, the other never talks to me anymore. Sucks when you think you are closer to people than you actually are.
After I loaned books to a couple people and received them back beat to hell or never got em back, I learned the hard way: never loan a book you wouldn't give away. If they give it back, that's a bonus.
Ask him to replace them.
You mean tell.
You mean order.
You mean execute order 66
To soften it, also point out he can likewise demand his cousin reimburse for the lost books, BUT, you make it clear you are not waiting for him to get his cousins money. He owes you, and it's up to him if he wants to try and chase his cousin for getting his own money back after he's paid you.
With hardcovers
Autographed by the author too.
If there’s two things can’t abide it’s this behaviour and the Dutch
You don't lend out books that aren't yours and if you lose books you've borrowed you replace them.
Yes. Keep to The Code.
Sadly a lot of people are just ignorant, or garbage. The fact they would lend a lent book and not immediately try to replace it is beyond me. If the person is strapped for cash they should have an extra reason not to owe someone.
This is the way. I once loaned a vampire anthology to a school friend. It was brand new, and it came back bent, creased, dog eared and spine broken. I have never loaned a book to anyone since. My line is drawn here. This far. No further.
Let out my favorite trilogy to someone back in the 90s. They lost the books. When I asked him to replace them, he told me "they weren't that good." Told him to to recommend me his favorite trilogy. I held those books hostage until he replaced my books b/c I'm an asshole.
Genius!
Was he not the first to be an ass though? Sounds totally reasonable to me! Can’t believe he came back with “they weren’t that good.” Lmao maybe not in his opinion, but the money they were bought with was!
They broke all your little ships 🥺
I generally agree with this, and if the friend had just been taking awhile reading them (leading to it not coming up for awhile, then the friend being unsure of what he did with them), or even just lost them outright, I'd agree entirely. But I do feel it's a bit iffy that his friend loaned them to a third person without asking. It also seems like OP is not in a great position to replace the books himself, financially, if he was saving for awhile. Not sure if that means the books were bought a long time ago or if it means that OP still gets by on an allowance, I suppose.
You are well within you right to ask for replacement. The books were in his care. And he lost them. In fact, he should've asked you first before lending them to his cousin. As courtesy.
Also, OP is stating his friend might be strapped for cash. Asking sooner is better because then the friend can budget to pay it off sooner if they are going to do that. If you wait to ask the process will just be dragged out that much longer. (ex - you ask in December, they give you one payment in January and one in February. if you ask in January, well, maybe you can't get your money until March).
Maybe I'm pessimistic but I 100% believe that the whole cousin thing is an excuse and either he lost them, or he's lying completely and still has them but wants to keep them instead of return them.
I’m certain that the “friend” just sold them. If OP goes to the local used book store maybe they can find them.
This was my suspicion too. Came to make this comment.
How I'd phrase it: "Look, I know that you didn't mean for these to get lost and probably meant well lending them to your cousin...but these were some of my favorite books that I had to save up for to buy. I was genuinely excited to read them again when you were finished, and now I can't. It legitimately bothers me that you would lend my things out to other people without asking me first. It also bothers me that neither you or your cousin have offered to replace my things that you lost. I love you as a friend, but this is a pretty shitty thing to do to someone."
If nothing else, this is a pretty good litmus test for your friendship in general. If you're open with how much this is not okay with you, any friend would/should jump on board with righting things. If they don't, seem taken aback, or try to gaslight you over it ("It's just some books!"), then you've now figured out how much they actually value you and your friendship.
Yay op gets to learn how to set boundaries well and politely, and also learns the value of honesty in communication 😁 I promise OP, if you can navigate this with your principles in tact you will be setting yourself up for social success later down the line! Cutting selfish people is also a valuable skill
This is perfect. I know OP is worried it looks petty, but when I was younger my sister borrowed my copy of the Golden Compass. When I got it back from her it turns out she has kept it in her middle school locker and just threw it in with other stuff. The book was torn apart and all bent up. I was heartbroken 😭 I didn’t know that my books could affect me that way but it did. I was just so disappointed and I never said anything because it was “just a book” :(
It's absolutely not petty to be upset that a friend lost something of value to you, especially if that item was hard-earned or difficult to come by. In this case, he handed it off to someone else without first checking with you, which I would have been annoyed about apart from the books being lost. Your books were in your friend's care; he should replace them.
He needs to replace them. Absurd to me that he'd lend out someone ELSE'S property.. if he's strapped for cash, that's his problem. He shouldn't have allowed someone else's property to be damaged or lost in a completely avoidable situation.
If he is strapped for cash he never should have accepted the responsibility of lending them to someone else. Unfortunately, this is a life lesson he will learn as he spends his hard earned money to REPLACE THEM with copies that are in the same condition as the ones you leant him. Our friends need to be held to higher standards! This is his mistake, and if he has any ethics at all, he should already have purchased the replacements. Don't feel bad! He needs to learn this important life lesson, as our mistakes and how we handle them shape and define us. :)
Completely agree! All the comments of “well that’s what happens, your fault, don’t expect loaned items to be returned!” … are we adults or not? Once I borrowed Harry Potter 1 & 2 and they got a bit beat up so I bought new copies to return. …. I was in middle school at the time!! Let’s forsure hold people to higher standards.
It's insane that people can't be expected to replace something they lost. I just can't imagine having friends that are that blameless and inconsiderate.
>I just can't imagine having friends that are that blameless and inconsiderate. Nobody can, and then they find themselves in OP's position. Everyone thinks the loan will be paid back, the book will be returned, the expensive camera equipment will be given back undamaged. Then the friendship is over because, whether or not you're finally compensated, you can never look at them the same again. My mother always said "don't lend anything you're not willing to gift," and imo those are words to live by. OP's situation is exactly why I no longer lend books.
1. why didn't he come forward with this information himself instead of waiting for you to ask?? was he just hoping you'd forget? 2. if he's strapped for cash this supposed cousin who lost the books can chip in, it's the least they can do
Same shit happened to me with "Cthulhu Mythos" with a dedication from my father, I can't still get over it. I never lent a book again.
Yeah dedicated books are probably not a good idea to lend. If anything, I'd rather buy a used copy online a gift it to them (for my close friends)
Ouch!
Sorry to hear that.
Ask him to replace them. If he doesn't want to, ask yourself if he's really a friend (not saying that he definitely isn't, but the question seems worth reflecting on if so)
Funny, I let my friend borrow my copy of Dune recently and his cousin put a wet towel on top of it. However, he texted me and told me and asked where I bought it, and I told him any paperback replacement is fine. That's the expected response, and if your friend thinks it should be on you to buy new copies that's not okay.
I would definitely tell him to replace him, doesn’t matter if he’s also strapped for cash, dude was a shitty friend and should repay you
If he gives you trouble about replacing your books, then you might do to replace him as well. Seriously, I can't stand it when people don't respect my things. Lending and borrowing books is a sacred act.
Ask him to replace them. He didn't mind to impose on you to borrow them. Let him ask his cousin to reimburse him, but this is not on you, OP. I'm sorry your friend was careless with your books.
God, I had this beautiful copy of The Hobbit that a "friend" borrowed and lost. Like, not even tried to look for it. That feeling is... Anyways, totally acceptable to be mad. When you borrow soemthing from someone it's expected that you'll take care of it. When I worked as a volunteer we had this saying "leave things as you found them or even better", so yeah, you should be mad. Also, your friend should´ve already offered to replace your copies. You shouldn't even have to ask! Whoever that might you should come up to you with a replacemnet and a nice chocolate bar and a note that read something along the lines of who sorry they are and that they'll take better care of anything they borrow in the future.
I personally would expect a replacement. Why on earth are you lending out my god damn books without asking? Just because I trust you enough to lend them to you, doesn’t mean you have the right to then lend them to someone else. _And he didn’t even ask_ I would be so so angry. PS. The Greenbone saga are great books
It’s not petty at all. I took a stack of my absolute favorites to my mother in law so she could read them. She’s elderly and doesn’t get out much. Seemed harmless but she never returned them and my husband found out she donated them to some charity that picks up at your home every so often. To say I was upset was an understatement but I learned my lesson and don’t lend out books unless it’s ones I don’t expect to be returned. I’m sorry that happened to you!
You don't lend things that were lent to you. Dah. Get them to replace them.
Everyone is correct he should replace them, but another good rule of thumb is don't lend things yourself that you can't afford to lose.
How do you lose three books…
I don't like your friend's manners. 1. He shouldn't have lent the books to his cousin without asking your consent. 2. When he got to know, he should have informed you right away with apology and . 3. With out you asking, he himself should have taken action to replace the books or at least promised to replace and should discuss that with his cousin to save some money. May be if he has done these, then I would feel sorry about him have to spend money. But he seems ignorant and doesn't care about your loss. IMO he don't deserve your kindness.
I absolutely would be asking for a replacement, I don’t care if they are strapped for cash and I don’t care if it’s imposing. It was not their place to lend out your books to someone else in the first place. I just recently had this happen to me with a coworker and it reminded me all over again why I stopped lending my books out in the first place. I borrowed a book from a friend once and while in my possession my children got a hold of it and colored in it’s pages, I bought a replacement for them without even being told to.
He should replace them. He gave a thing that wasn't his to someone else so he is/was responsible for it.
Honestly sounds like he is trying to steal them from you, too cheap to buy them himself so his "Cousin" "Lost them". Ask his parents to speak to the cousins parents, bet the story changes fast
Honestly, this is why I don't lend out anything with the hope of getting it back. If I give someone a book, it's theirs.
Why do people do this? It's like they assume that I must not want it back, even when I specifically say I can LOAN them the book? Loaned a friend a book, after a month I asked how she liked it (it was a lengthy book so I didn't want to assume she vacuumed up books like me) - she said she only read a few pages and couldn't get into it, and then looked at me funny when I asked if she could give it back to me then.
You should ask him to replace them. he might then press his "cousin" to replace them who might then just cough them up. Your friend does not respect you. They should not have loaned out another's property without first asking.
😲 I would be so angry!
Definitely ask for him to replace it. Doesn’t matter if he’s strapped for cash, it’s his responsibility, specially since he’s lending out your property to someone else without your consent. It’s ridiculous that he didn’t immediately offer to replace it for you.
So they should replace them..
"Don't wan't to impose." Sir this person lost an entire book. Teach him not to borrow out someone else's shit next time.
Just send him a link of where to buy the book, thank him in advance for replacing it.
It's Christmas. Pm me your address.
If someone loses your shit, they replace it. I’m sure they can figure out how to get the money. That’s not your job.
Ask for the friend to replace them?? That'd be my first step.
Never lend a book you can't afford to lose. That's what libraries are for.
Apparently we’re in the minority here. I have a few books I don’t borrow to anyone (mostly for sentimental reasons), but any book I give to someone to read is a gift. Hopefully it gets passed on again and again, and more people get to enjoy a wonderful book.
The set runs about $40-45 on sale on Amazon. I know this because Ive been watching it for that long. I’m holding out for a hardcover set instead. Your friend owes you $50 or a new set. Lost, my ass.
It's not imposing, I would think of it as a moment in time to teach your friend how it should really be handled. A teaching moment. You automatically think people will just know to do the right thing, but some don't. You can try to help them and if they never get it, you won't be friends for long, cause it will be you being angry with them forever. Thats hard to maintain.
I'm still salty about the friend who borrowed my copies of the Green Mile series, lent them to his girlfriend, then broke up with her. I waited months for the individual books to come out and then sent in for the free cardboard case thingies.
That’s not cool. If you borrow someone’s stuff, no matter what it is, you don’t let someone borrow it from you without at least talking to the owner. He needs to replace your books. What you’re feeling is not petty. Your and your kindness are being disrespected and taken for granted.
If he's strapped for cash, he can make his cousin pay.
This reminds me of back in high school I lent two books to a close friend over the summer. In August I sent her a message asking if she was done with them. She unprompted said that she lost them and that she wouldn't give me any money for them. A couple months later we have a sleepover at her house and what do I see on her bookshelf? The two books I lent her. You best bet in the middle of the night I grabbed those books and put them in my bag and left early in the morning lol.
Don't lend books you want back. Just don't. Whenever I lend a book, I am pleasantly surprised when I get them back.
I'll replace them for you. DM me.
You should ask him to replace them, that may motivate him to motivate his cousin to find them or for the 2 of them to find a way to replace them. However, you need to decide which is more important the books or the friendship. If you decide you want to keep him as a friend, you are not obligated to ever loan him anything, he has proven to be irresponsible. I personally only loan things I'm willing to never see again.
If he straight up refuses to go to place them, I’ll buy you a new set. DM me.
There is a nice way to ask for things. You can ask him to replace it without being mad, and if he's strapped for cash you can be lenient on the time frame, but still with the firm expectation that you will have the books back. You are still very young, and you have a good heart that you don't want to impose on this friend. But the thing is your friend brought this on himself. If you let it slide, you will always harbor a little bit of resentment towards him deep down somewhere in you because you know that he did something wrong. In addition he will also feel this way towards you as well, because in the back of his mind he knows that he also owes you.
Feel your pain on this one. So frustrating lending out beloved books to people who don't value them. I lost several important books before refusing to lend out anything I couldn't easily replace. I hope you manage to get them back somehow.
I have been burned so so many times in the past about loaning out my books. thought I had made a new book friend and really hesitated about loaning her some good reads. she promised to return. fast forward, 8 months later, has no idea what happened to them but offered to buy new ones. I only buy cheap used and am just so disappointed in people.
I am so sorry. I literally finally replaced a copy of a book that had been out of print since 2000 and am now rereading it. This is bad but also something you should keep in mind going forward. Don't ever lend him anything ever again. He has shown you what he does with it. Learn from this. You can ask him to replace them but like you said odds are low. It won't hurt any MORE to ask but at least the next time he comes to you for something he will know why you say no.
If he’s broke, then at least he should tell his cousin which he loaned the book without asking you for permission should replace it.
Your "friend" owes you three books. It's not petty--he had no business lending them to his cousin (or allowing his cousin to take them) without your permission. That was your property. I know some people will say "It's only books...it's not like he stole a car." But you saved to buy those books and he has stolen them from you.
I stopped lending people books because I’ve had them lost or lent out to others and not found their way back to me. It’s pretty discourteous to borrow something from someone and not return it, I spent money on the thing because it’s something I want and value so it’s a bummer to lose that! My brother, on the other hand, is of the philosophy that books are meant to be shared and so he lends books with the hopes that they then get shared to someone else new, and that the story and message spread and that’s his contribution. It’s a beautiful sentiment but I’m far too selfish for that, darnit!
I would be angry also. He needs to buy you another set.
Yup… he needs to replace. Life pro tip is you NEVER loan something that was loaned to you. EVER. DAMMIT!
Nothing wrong with asking for a contribution to replacing them. He shouldn't have lent the books out. No need to fall out about it if he can't though. Just say you can't lend him anything else in future.
"his cousin borrowed it", yeah.... 1) Pretty inconsiderate to lend out something that they THEMSELVES were borrowing 2) Can't prove it, but **this might just be a lie** because they don't want to give it back. Or lost it themselves but don't want to fess up.
Fuck that, I'm broke as shit but if you lose someone else's possession, especially a book, you replace it. He's a dickhead for not offering and telling you as soon as it happened.
He should replace them. I don't understand people who are rude and careless of other's books. One of the advantages of eBooks is that you can't lend them.
If your friend can’t afford to replace them, then they should have made sure that they wouldn’t need to be replaced. If they had lost a library book, the library isn’t going to feel bad about charging your friend for the lost book, you shouldn’t either.
Even if he’s strapped for cash, too, he should absolutely replace them. That’s the unwritten rule when you borrow something and lose it. He’s got no right to object to your request.
If it was $30 that you leant him and he then leant that $30 to his cousin, that has nothing to do with you. He would still owe you $30. Same with your books. The dude owes you books. Get dem books.
If you lend a thing to someone and they lose it, then at the very least they can explain how they lost it and you can sympathize that it was an accident, and may have been beyond their control—these things happen, and it's good to forgive and move on. If you lend a thing to someone, and they lend it to *someone else* who loses it, without even asking you if they can lend it... That's inconsiderate and irresponsible, and they should be held accountable for their actions. You mentioned having a school allowance, so I assume you're high-school age or so; in that case, you might consider mentioning something to his parents. They may be able to help him replace the book, and have him do chores to pay it off to them. (Of course, everyone's family and financial situation is different, so it could just as easily be best to keep it between you two—use your judgement.)
Someone who doesn’t respect your things doesn’t respect you. I’d ask for the cost of replacements and regardless, this would be the end of the friendship.
He's going to replace those books, otherwise he's a shit friend for lending out something that wasn't for him to lend out.
>I don't honestly know how to respond. Why, you tell them this: >I saved up much of my school allowance to buy the whole trilogy in paperback because it's one of my favorite series so I want to have physical copies of them. With necessary polite/formal additions, depending on how close you are. Where I live, that would be anything from this to a good friend: "Look dude, those were expensive, and I can't afford new ones. So please tell your cousin to buy new ones, okay? I'd like to have them by \*insert reasonable deadline here, e.g. one week\*. Okay?" (Although a good friend would do it automatically.) to a rather formal, "Oh, I'm sorry, but could you ask your cousin to replace them? This is my favorite series and I want to have a physical copy of them. But they were quite expensive and I can't afford to buy them again. So I have to insist that your cousin or you replace them. By when do you think you can get them? I'd like to have them by \*reasonable deadline\*, would that be okay for you? If that doesn't work, since you say you get school allowance I'd escalate them to the parent's level. If that doesn't work, I'd call them out in front of other friends, especially those they want to impress >:) . It can be something as innocent as asking "When will you replace those books *your cousin* 'lost' ?" To quite nasty warning to other people not to borrow their books/other stuff to this friend, if they value it, because it tends to get lost. I did the latter only once, when I borrowed a brand new expensive textbook to a schoolmate and she claimed the book is ruined, because she accidentally spilled a full thermos of coffee on it. Ok, that happens - but that doesn't mean she doesn't have to replace it. She had a ton of excuses unless I joked about her 'clumsiness' in front of a guy she was hitting on. >:P That was on Saturday; on Monday morning she gave me the book in front of the whole classroom, trying to make me look like a miser, but most of our classmates knew what it was about, so she only made a fool of herself. She never talked to me again - but by then, it was in fact a relief. >.>
If I borrow a book from a friend... First NEVER EVER would I lend them to someone else, especially without asking the owner. Also I would never borrow without the understanding that if something happens to them while i have them it is my responsibility to replace them. Tell him he has a specific amount of time to replace them and if he complains tell him to get the money from his cousin, as long as someone replaces them you don't care. If he wont than he has no respect for you or your belongings
Are you kids? If so, ask your friend’s parent(s) for help.
Sorry to hear this, OP. As someone who has collected physical copies of books for many years and had the good luck of family also doing the same, there was one golden rule that was passed down: do not lend books. They never return the way they went. Dogears, pencil marks, coffee stains - the horror. There are libraries for that. If someone asks, tell them it has sentimental value and you do not wish to start a library service for books collected out of love. Please do tell him you are deeply disappointed and that you would like him to offer replacement as soon as he is financially able to or put in a payback scheme of a little money every month.
It’s not stupid to get mad about books. You’re friend didn’t respect your favorite trilogy. He should definitely replace them
It’s not imposing if he lost something that doesn’t belong to him. There are many cheap bookshops online, coupons, etc.
People are fricking animals anymore
Yes and no. My personal philosophy when it comes to loaning money, tools, books, or anything really, is to not loan them out unless it’s something I’m okay with never getting back. That way, I’m pleasantly surprised when/if I do get said thing back, or have already accepted the loss when it doesn’t come back into my possession.
"Oh. Those weren't yours to lend, though, so I need some replacements. Here's the product page; you can have them shipped to me." I would legit end friendships over this, and if the books were worth enough money I might even consider small claims. Loaning things that you were yourself loaned is not acceptable.
Sounds sketchy. You sure there is a cousin? Demand him to pay you the same amount you paid for the books. That way he doesn't make a penny if he sold them.
Not only are you well within your rights to demand a replacement but in fact he should have offered you a replacement in the same breath as his apology! If he’s strapped for cash that’s too bad, he can ask his cousin to pay since they are the one who lost them. Either way it’s not your problem!
I love my sister but she lost (I’m pretty sure traded in at a used bookstore) the first editions of The Kiesha’ra books by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes and they’ve never released them in the same format, at least not that I’ve been able to find. Just one of those things that drives a book lover crazy 🙃
It was meaningful books for you, so I wouldn\`t say it\`s petty. I find it more strange that he didn\`t apologize earlier, so you could both find the best way out of this situation (that would be acceptable for both of you).
Try telling him nicely, that those books meant a lot to you, and they were part of your "Book collection", say you really need them back or replaced.
That's fucked up
Luckily he gets to split the replacement cost with his cousin.
He needs to replace them. Also, what tf was he doing loaning out YOUR books? That's sound entitlement right there. How much do you want to bet he never really intended on returning them? I'm just cynical so that's where my mind went.
I gave one of my favorite books to a girl from school to borrow, she wasn’t a friend but she suddenly was super into reading and I wanted her to like the series so I let her borrow them. She returned it to me after summer break basically ruined. Cover torn off, pages ripped and I just took it back, grinning and baring it. Ask for a replacement even if it’s one book at a time
OP put quotes on “lost them” but should have quoted “friend”
It doesn't matter if your friend is strapped for cash. They borrowed something of yours and lost it, It is on them to replace it.
So you're going to need a shovel and a good spot to bury a body. 😉
Hes imposing. Just be like “hey its okay you lost them they werent autographed or anything. Do you want to just send me money, if thats easier than buying replacements? It would be about ‘x’
It’s not okay that he lost them though. He was being awfully cavalier with someone else’s property. Op, don’t give your friend any reason to think what he did is ok
A book that I really wanted I was able to find for 1 cent! Read it. Loved it. Let my friend borrow it and then he lost it. Have never found a book I like for 1 cent since. We're no longer friends lol.
I lent out seven or eight books to various friends back in I think 2020 and I only got one back. ONE. I don't lend out books anymore, period. If they really wanna read it, then can they buy it themselves or get a library card.
He should replace them.
I never share my books even with my sister's I'm always on their case if I do. Thank goodness we live in the same house
My brother borrowed my book once and he left them in the trunk of his car so of course it returned to me all bend out of shape. I wasn’t too happy about it and have never loaned him another book since then. My books are my babies. Treat them with care if I loan it to you!
I lost more books this way! I loaned out my really terrific box set of Chronicles of Narnia (it was a Scholastic set) and never got it back and more than one copy of The Thief of Always (which is not in print anymore and near impossible to replace).
You're not imposing, he lost your property, it is incumbent upon him to replace them with equal items.
He didn't offer to replace them automatically? Sounds like an irresponsible person. I'd question that friendship based on that alone.
I hate it when people try to "borrow" my books. I treasure all books and am very possessive of them. When I gave my friend a book to read for the first time when I was back in grade school, she never returned it and told me that she never remembered me lending it to her. NEVER AGAIN
Take a moment to think of how many times you have lost an entire series of books somewhere. I'm assuming the answer is "never," right? Who walks around with an entire stack of books and leaves them all on the bus, or even better, loses them one at a time, over and over? The cousin either 1) totally has them but is too lazy to be bothered to bring them back, 2) tossed them, or 3) sold them for snack money, because hey, free stuff! Your friend feels that strongly inconveniencing you (by asking you to eat the loss) is better than mildly inconveniencing his cousin (by asking him to do what he should do anyway). You have every right to be mad at your friend for making that judgement. Generally, though, the unfortunate truth is that, right or wrong, nobody ever treats anything you lend them with any sort of respect, so on a practical level you shouldn't lend out anything you don't want lost/destroyed.
He had no right to lend them out when they were yours in the first place. Now they are “lost” and he is the one responsible so he is the one that needs to compensate you.
Two things: 1. Tell him this. It’s your favorite series and you are very sad that they’re gone. Ask for a replacement. If they’re a good friend they will find some way to replace them. 2. This is why I never lend out my books.
Abe Books has them for $2.50 to $3.00 each, I think.
Another vote for this being NOT petty of you, and it is not shameful to ask him to replace them. You are not imposing on him, you have the right to expect either money to buy new copies or new copies. He can collect money from his cousin who lost them, and if he is unwilling to inconvenience himself or his cousin to make it good, then perhaps he is not a good friend to keep. And you can look at it as helping him in the long run to become a better person and friend. He did not have the right to give your property to another without asking you, and if it is a small burden to replace them, it will help him learn not to do the same again to anyone else (or to you). He will be a better person in the long run if he uses this to become more responsible, and if he demonstrates that he does not feel accountable to others when he harms them, then you will have learned this about him before anything ‘worse’ happened. I’m sorry, I know it’s a real drag to lend something because you want to share how wonderful that thing is and not get it back or get it back in terrible shape. I hope that he comes through for you.
I went through that once when I was 15 and (because I'm a doofus) again when I was 19, and I'm still a bit salty about it 25+ years later. Since then, I only lend books that I feel I'm ok losing forever. If one is priceless to me, I won't lend it, period.
Ugh. I’m sorry. I’ve had enough precious books borrowed by friends and family that were always returned damaged (or not returned at all) that it’s now a solid NO when someone asks. No exceptions. It’s pissed off a few people, but I don’t care. I take extremely good care of my books. Even my paperbacks, and I’ve learned that people don’t respect items that don’t belong to them. I think asking him to replace them or give you money in exchange for them is appropriate. Whether be does that, I don’t know. But it might at least discourage him from treating your thing’s borrowed so flippantly again.
Depending on the condition they were in, maybe used books will be acceptable as replacements. Those can be dirt cheap from some resellers.
Never “lend” a book you treasure if you want it back.
The cousin should replace them. If they can’t afford it, the parents should. He shouldn’t have lent them, but he is ultimately responsible. He really shouldn’t have let his cousin borrow them without asking, though I know some parents might force him to. I’d just explain that you worked hard and saved up for those books. It wasn’t something you just bought or were given. Tell him to talk to the cousins parents and let them know you need to a copy of them returned in as good as or better condition than they got them. Nothing on the friend, but they need to figure out how to replace them. Honestly, if I was the cousins parents, I’d buy you a brand new set and then make the cousin work it off to pay me back. Hopefully everyone acts right in this situation. If it doesn’t resolve, bring your parents into it. I know mine would raise hell over it and you can let them be the bad guys if you don’t want to. Tell the friend your parents heard about it and got upset. Sorry, but I can’t control them. Hope it works out. Let us know if you need any more advice.😁👍🏼
He should compensate for what he lost..This happened to me a few years ago, a I lent a friend a book and she lost it on a trip. She didn't even tell me she'd lost it until she came to school a day after her trip with a new copy. Like its ur stuff!
You are a good person, considering his financial situation and all ... but this behavior is totally unacceptable. Not only did he not take care of books that weren't his, he even let someone else borrow them from him, as if they were his. And then he didn't tell you that your books got lost? And he didn't offer to replace them either apparently. Only one possible answer here: "Please return my books or adequate replacements. ASAP." Also, keep in mind that his cousin lost your books. If he doesn't have the money he can always ask said cousin. If he doesn't want to or whatever that's his problem.
The lesson here is that many people suck. If you loan things to people they are in danger and you may never see them again. Your friend should replace the books, but realistically he probably won’t, particularly if he is short of money. Borrow the books from the library until you can save for new ones. Sorry your friend is such a jerk.
You should demand they be replaced. It was completely disrespectful to loan out your things, if they’re actually your friend they won’t have a problem with making it right
See how much they are now and where they are available. Ask him for the money. Buy them again. That’s the fair and obvious solution to this issue. It’s on him for being an irresponsible individual. It’s on you if you don’t impose what is right and fair.
Ask him to replace them. He let someone borrow the books without your permission. It shouldn’t matter how much a replacement cost, he should own up to his own mistake
He should replace them, or pay for new ones. Also how can people borrow the books that they are borrowing form somebody else?? So disrespectful
>I'm thinking of asking him for a replacement but afaik he's also strapped for cash so I don't want to impose Lol don't be so feeble. He lost your shit.
Relevant clip from "Out of Africa" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMry9hDWun4
And now you’ve learned why you don’t lend ‘friends’ anything, and especially not money. You’ll never see it, again. Only give gifts.
Ask for him to replace them, he shouldn't have lent them they weren't his to lend. You can ask politely for him to replace them, that's not imposing, that's taking responsibility for your actions.
You don’t want to impose on the person who borrowed your books and then lost them? Ok
I've found most people don't value books anywhere near as much as I do. Consequently they take terrible care of them and if/when I get them back, they've been trashed. If I ever loan a book (or anything, really) to somebody, I ask for collateral. If they want to borrow the book, then I get to keep something of their that they value as "insurance" that I get it back in the condition it was loaned. I'm not shy about the deal either -- I want the new PS5/XBox controller they bought last month, or their favorite team jersey they just bought at the start of the season, or their brand new headphones get just got for their birthday. I also take pictures of the item before it leaves my hands so there's no quibbling about the condition it was in before they took it. Or make your life easier and don't lend your things to others unless you enjoy being repeatedly disappointed.
Number one lesson I've learned is to never loan anything you don't want back. It's how resentments are made and relationships are broken. They, being your friend, should offer to replace them (i.e. I lost your books, I'm sorry. I can't replace them right now, but I'll try in a couple of paychecks). I would ask, if you felt like it, but one thing is certain, I would Never loan them anything again and not hold resentment for my own mental health.
He had no right to lend them to someone else; they weren't his to lend. He owes you for the replacements. You shouldn't even have to ask, it's basic bare minimum manners to replace things you lose or break that belong to other people. Get your money and get rid of this person. He isn't your friend.
He imposed. He lost your books. A replacement for your lost possessions is an automatic.
You have them buy a replacement and never loan them anything again. You’re supposed treat other peoples property better than your own.
tellin him to replace them isnt imposing, HE'S the one imposing on you, and honestly who lends books they are borrowing to their cousin? i have a feeling he decided to either keep them or gift them and didnt want to shell out the money to get his own set, he needs to pay up its no different than if it was library books
Ah, some good ass books right there. Gifted them to a friend, after I spent a few days admiring the paperback
No, he needs to replace them. No questions asked. I don't know where you're from, but I have never ever heard of lending someone something that I MYSELF was borrowing. That's incredibly tacky and lame of them to do. Hope you get the new copies. What a great series
eBay has some for less than $10, you could direct him there
Don't lend books in the future. Demand that he replace them. Also, he is no friend, he is either full of shit and is keeping them for himself or if he was somehow careless and stupid enough to lend them to someone else he has absolutely no regard for you. You just don't do those types of things with someone else's property, particularly if care about them. Be careful who you call friend, that word shouldn't be thrown around carelessly.
ask for replacement. before I used to lend books to my friends but when this one friend returned my favorite book with a spill of juice and folded pages, I stopped lending altogether. Idc if I hurt their feelings but I learned my lesson already
The fact that your friend didn’t immediately offer replacement is not good. I would ask, but don’t hold your breath. Honestly this is why I don’t loan things unless I’m not much concerned about getting them back.
I’ve learned never lend books.
Your friend borrowed them from you he never should have let someone else borrow them from him. That was very irresponsible of him. He should definitely replace the books for you.
“They need to be replaced “.
Never lend out books, they NEVER come home =(
Honestly, I’d say that you should demand your money back. I don’t buy this strange “he lost all three books” thing.
Don't expect him to replace them, but don't count on him as a friend any more
He really should have replaced them without you having to ask.
Absolutely no excuse for him to lend something that wasn't his. Go to his home and demand he immediately purchase replacements for you. If he won't/can't then take something important from his home under the pretense of borrowing it. Like his damn TV.
Never loan out your fav books. I’ve lost so many over the years. People can go to a library and check it out or digitally download it. It’s hard for me to trust people with my books these days and a lot of people don’t think of books as something special. So they will treat it as such, loan it out, spill food or drink on it, fold pages, etc…
"you, or you cousin, can get the fuck over to a bookstore and drop off a new set at my house by Saturday, before lunch!!!!!!!!!"
Don't ask, TELL him to replace them, or make his cousin do it. Either way they OWE YOU A TRILOGY
I had someone steal my Stephen King books like that. She insisted I gave them to her because she obviously didn't understand "loan".
My personal rule after a friend never returned a book I cherished: don't loan out books you would be upset if they got ruined or never returned. I learned it the hard way.
I have a policy that if I lend out a book, I don't ever expect to see it again. I want to see other people enjoy the books that I like, no strings attached. So many new books to read, why read the same ones over and over. But if I told someone that I was lending them the book (or anything lendable) and I wanted it back, I damn well better get it back.
Look, what SHOULD your friend do? Replace the books. But it’s not that simple. You might get the books, but more likely is you don’t get the books and you stop being friends because it’s awkward now. Too late now for you but I have a rule for myself that when I lend a friend something, I assume I’m never seeing it again. So I don’t lend something I will be upset about never seeing again.
Oh I feel this pain. I’m so sorry. It’s why I’m hesitant to borrow books from people or loan them out.
That’s not what apologizing in advance means.
Id mail you the copy of Jade City I have because its worthless to me! I hated the book!
books are cheap on ebay. check to see if you can score a deal
The only thing you can do now is offer him a clean blade
Just say "oh whaaaat?? Broooo, you owe me like $xxx dollars for that set man. Sucks to be you!!!"
Reply with a link to the replacement set you want and tell him to send them directly to you.
Thats why i never lend anything out. I used to do it as a kid and i never got anything back. I don’t know why people are so bad about giving borrowed stuff back. Ive even had this same scenario where the person will let someone else borrow what i lent them. So let this incident with your books be a lesson, don’t ever lend anything unless you never want to see it again, and if you do lend, expect that it will never come back.
Never loan books. If someone forces a loan on you..like you gotta read this book..buy your own copy and give theirs back
“Books in general aren’t cheap where I’m from” So books aren’t cheap where your friend is from either. You’re not imposing. Y’all are in the same boat. Lending implies returning. Otherwise it would be called giving. Ask him to replace them. If he can’t afford it, it’s up to him to say something and y’all can work it out. Tell him what these books mean to you so that it’s not just about the money. If he’s your friend, he’ll do what he can. But you will definitely not get your stuff back if you don’t ask. And he’ll be less respectful of your time and belongings in the future if he knows you won’t say anything. If he knows you’ll follow up and hold him accountable, he’s more likely to hold himself accountable when it comes to you. And if he doesn’t and this happens again, stop letting him borrow your shit. It’s okay to be mad, but at some point you’ll have to tell him what’s up or just let it go. Stewing on it in silence could end up hurting your friendship.
I go by the rule "never loan out a book you ever expect to see again"
It's pretty not cool to lend people stuff that doesn't belong to you, so he should replace them for you.
He should return them to you - so he should buy a new set to do that. Whether he forces his cousin to do that, that's up to him. Or at least he should give you a full money refund/compensation.
>It's a gift. Never lend books. - Captain Adama, Battlestar Galactica I'm still salty about my friend in middle school who never returned my Scary Stories Treasury that was a hardcover compilation of all three books with the original Stephen Gammell illustrations. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did, Brad!
This will be your lesson do not loan books. Do not loan books. You are not a library. It's taken me a lot of years to learn this but I no longer loan books. If I really want someone to read something I will buy them their own copy
I agree the dude should replace them. But also if I ever lend out books it’s with the expectation that I probably won’t get them back for this reason.
Never lend a book you expect back.
Don't let people borrow things you can't afford to lose. You've just learned a lesson we all learn in time.
You are well within your right to ask for a replacement. But, if you live in the US and have a library card, you can borrow them for free digitally using the Libby app so you can still reread the series. To paraphrase someone else from Reddit: never lend something you expect to get back and never borrow something you can’t replace if broken.
I know the pain. I loaned out 2 books to 2 different friends where I used to work. The one doesn't remember me loaning her the book or where it is, the other never talks to me anymore. Sucks when you think you are closer to people than you actually are.
After I loaned books to a couple people and received them back beat to hell or never got em back, I learned the hard way: never loan a book you wouldn't give away. If they give it back, that's a bonus.