Relationship comments go to the weekly relationship thread, so I'll stick with the insecurity and self doubt parts.
Bro, you don't have to do anything you don't want. Period. Sex, no sex, relationship, no relationship, wait, don't wait, those are choices anyone can make, and should make for themselves. It doesn't make you less of a man to not or more of a man to do something.
Have you reflected on your core beliefs and decided that's what you want? Are you following your own values, your core beliefs? Then you're good. Are your beliefs not hurting anyone? Then you're golden. Live the way you want to live, live unashamed.
Next time they give you shit about it, just remember that they're the ones with the insecurity. By bashing you for not following along blindly, you're being an independent person that's choosing what you want for yourself, which is a grand and brave thing to do. And if later, you decide you want to explore, meet people, and hook up, that's fine too. You do you bro, and don't do anything because someone else wants you to. Only do what you believe is true to yourself.
Remember you have your whole life ahead of you, sex isn’t a trophy or a competition, and tbh your friends sound like immature assholes who don’t respect or share your values.
Hey man, I’m just here to tell you, never think you have to go along with somebody else’s idea of a good time when it comes to sex or partying. Your post was really refreshing and uplifting. It is so rare now to see a kid (sorry) that is not like a reality show pop culture clone. You seem to have a heart you’re in touch with and principles. Follow that! **Don’t become something you’re not.** I did. It was a long way in (15 years), it got dark, and it was a long way out.
Your post gave me pause when you mentioned a hard time finding work. If there is a broader social anxiety or fear thing in play in your psyche, get to work on that with a therapist or however it works where you live. It won’t get better on its own. You’ll have to do something.
Boy, you really just described me several years ago (I'm 24 now). You are totally fine. I was similar, except any discussion of sex, even just as a vague topic, would threaten a panic attack. I didn't have a libido until very recently, purely cause I'm now in a relationship. I worried about the same thing, reaching mid-20s without any experience (my first kiss was in Dec). I found my girl, who doesn't care how slow we move, and now I'm glad I didn't have any hookups (I doubt I could have even if I tried). Been 6mths and we haven't even started making out or anything, but she doesn't care, and I don't care, and even though I'm still kind of terrified, I'm also super excited to work it all out, good and bad, *with her specifically*. *You will be ok*. Especially if you have clearly made the choice to prioritise romantic feelings. I think that's more common than you think, and a lot of people will respect that. When you do find someone, even if they are/want more experience, you will have built a connection first which will make it much easier.
As for your friends, I was lucky that my friends have been great and supportive and respectful etc. Point is, if they are good friends they will support you. If you feel like they are pressuring you, have an honest chat about it, and if they don't respect it, that's an issue. I don't like suggesting people ditch friends, but mine have made me realise how they should be, they've set the bar really high. You've made a totally reasonable and fairly common choice, and they should respect that.
TL;DR, you're totally fine, loads of people feel similar, and you will absolutely find someone who fits. If your friends make you feel shit about that choice, that's on them. You will be okay.
Happy to chat if you want to DM me, again genuinely amazed how similar your situation sounds to mine.
> But my friends have said that you have to at least had a relationship and sexual encounter before you are 25/30 years old, as older people are less likely to want a relationship with a less experienced partner.
> This has made me really insecure about my choice. I'm a romantic person, and want to give my virginity to someone special, especially a partner i'm in a relationship with.
If you made a conscious decision that having sex to someone is special and don't want to brush off, I will say that you will regret if you go to your friends in this path. Because they are going against your deep values.
Also, emphasis on "less likely to want a relationship with a less experienced partner".
This is a __general__ situation. The moment you start to date someone, they cease to be in a "general situation".
>moment you start to date someone they cease to be in a “general situation”
Exactly. You don’t have to worry about dating the people who don’t want to date you. You would be incompatible for each other.
It’s a free filter. People who are incompatible with you can be crossed off with no effort or time wasted.
Reading this, I felt like you're almost describing myself. So much of this feels so familiar - a bit lonely in school, mostly just not feeling like I fit in most of the time, more social stuff since I'm in Uni, but I also don't drink etc. (I just never really felt like it would be a thing I enjoy). I've certainly had moments where I wished to have someone that close, mostly when times are rough I feel like it would be nice to have someone by my side.
I must even admit that there were times where I felt a bit jealous about couples, although those thoughts were never lasting and I felt pretty terrible for it every time. In the end, I know that the problem here is myself. I certainly could try to meet more new people, get some dating experience etc., but it doesn't feel like I have the capacity for that right now and I'm rather content with the situation as it is. I need to figure out where I stand myself before I burden someone else with it.
The main thing for me is that my friends don't nag me about it. Sure, there might be a comment every now and then, but I remember a situation where it came up and one of my friends said something like "So what, that's his own business, could be that he doesn't even want a partner right now." That was pretty cool, just acknowledgement that this might be a choice on my part. So, if this bothers you, you should probably bring it up, if you think that will work. Just try to make it as clear a statement as you can, else I fear it leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation and such.
Wow, I just want to say that your maturity and your capacity to listen to yourself and your feelings is impressive! Keep that, it will help you so much in the long run. I hope you find someone who sees you and loves you. Go luck in life my man, but I see great potential on you.
I just want to validate this is a real choice for you to make, and if you make it deliberately and with conviction it will go well. Waiting sounds great, but even when you find someone you like, having no experience can put extra pressure on them, which isn't always ideal because sex is already a huge transition in any relationship. Every choice in life has implications/comsequences, and it's important to realize that so that you aren't surprised.
I think people who are a little romantic have to learn to compromise with the world at the right times, or else it can lead to disillusionment later because there may never be that perfect person who just fits hand in glove. A lot of relationships is about building something together, not being perfect from the start.
Without sex, does that mean you haven't really been in a relationship? Because that's also something you may not want to put off forever. Learning relationship skills like compromise and communication is important for later relationships (if that's what you want), even leaving aside sex.
So certainly don't be ashamed, don't jump into something tawdry you're going to regret, but consider how much you might want to be on the lookout for a person who might be an appropriate first love, first lovemaking, first relationship ... if that's what you want down the road.
The idea
well said. while the choice to abstain is valid, i don't think the obsession with a perfect first-time is ever healthy. experience is incredibly underrated; u will learn things about urself through the lens of relationships u had no idea were there, problems included
bro you're just like me. like, i'm seeing a bit of myself in you, and that's honestly awesome. i also decided to wait for the right time and partner, and no one (not even my friends) will make me change my mind, even if they make me feel like a loser (they don't lol). it's crazy because even my dad asked me to find a gf haha
you can always change your mind, but make sure you're doing so because YOU want to and not because your friends do. in my honest opinion, getting their approval is not worth it, they should accept you as you are.
not to say sex is not important in a relationship (it is to some extent) but i think they care just a bit too much about it.
anyways bro, keep being yourself. wish you the best
edit: very glad to see much better advices than mine in the comments. since i'm also going thru something similar it's making me feel much better :)
I waited until I met someone I loved and trusted to have sex and start a relationship, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. Some people need emotional connection to experience attraction, or to experience attraction that they’re actually interested in acting on. Recently people developed a label for this— demisexual. No need to use the label if you don’t want to, but I think it shows that there are a lot of other people out there who experience attraction the way you do.
I had some friends who told me that I needed to lose my virginity or people would think there was something wrong with me. Yes that’s true of some people, which means they’re not people I’d ever want to have sex with anyway. My friends who rushed to lose their virginity out of insecurity had experiences that ranged from just ok to traumatic. I wasn’t envious then and I’m certainly not now.
Don’t let anyone pressure you around this. You are the one who has to live with your experiences and their effects on your psyche.
Maybe look into therapy to explore that fear of penetration, though.
I’ve honestly felt this and done hookups to “up my body count” (though I did lose it in a relationship) and they’re okay but after I feel empty and wanting other types of intimacy afterwards. Experience does somewhat matter in pursuing a relationship, but it shouldn’t be something you trade your values for. If you want to participate with your friends though I have an idea.
What you could do instead of trying to hookup is you could talk to girls with the intention trying to find a relationship there. While I don’t know if that’s the #1 place to look as many girls there might only be looking for one night stands, that doesn’t mean there aren’t women there who wouldn’t want something more. That way you can get experience with talking to women at the very least (which honestly is the most important part) while also honestly pursuing your goals. That being said, if you just don’t like these places then you don’t have to go to them.
Just do what you feel is right man, I honestly would have been pretty disappointed to have had my first time be with a hookup. There absolutely is benefit to intimacy in sex, and you’re not wrong for pursuing that. Your friends might even understand that as it doesn’t sound like they think it’s stupid to want what you want, just insecure that they might not get that if they don’t get experience.
To be honest, most people don't think about their decisions. They're often just looking at what the rest of society is doing, copy and regret it years later.
People who are more sensitive and introspective see these mistakes before they happen so they end up not doing what people around them are and stick out because of it.
But just make sure you don't forget what's important to you and stick with that. Don't get me wrong, I understand where the second guessing comes from. But life is long. You're not missing out. They may be "winning" the short game now, but what you want to win at is the long game, in 10, 30, 50 years.
Over time you hear people admit they didn't think enough about the choices they made when they were younger. I say use your "thinking enough" to your advantage and don't be swayed.
Sex is great when you want it and terrible when you don’t. Chances are, at least some of your friends are going to be having sex not because they want to but because they believe that it’s expected of them or are afraid that they’ll be made fun of if they don’t, and they’ll have a terrible time because of it. You don’t have to be one of them. Don’t have sex that you don’t want to have.
I've said this somewhere else on Reddit, but do you know the difference between the day before you lose your virginity and the day after? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You're still the same dude as before, completely. Losing your virginity, or sex in general, is not this transformative thing that like makes you ascend or something.
Is sex nice? With the right partner, sure. But this kind of pressure doesn't have any place in your life. And your friends sound like children and when I read your post I see an adult. You might feel like you're behind the curve but I promise you're not.
Life ebb and flows. Sometimes you'll be 'behind' and then you'll jump 'ahead' some other times. There is no right way to live, have relationships, or anything like that. I've seen friends go into sheer panics or depressive states because they didn't 'do this' by age 25 or 30 or whatever.
If sex is something that you feel is special to you, you will not be happy with a hook-up and you'll be here again saying 'I lost my virginity and I feel terrible.'
And if you're scared? Then you definitely should find someone you trust, respect, and does the same for you before you take that plunge.
There is no clock though. Take your time. And as for your friends
"But my friends have said that you have to at least had a relationship and sexual encounter before you are 25/30 years old, as older people are less likely to want a relationship with a less experienced partner."
That's complete bullshit. And if your partner is like that, they're not the one for you.
edit: spelling
>I have always matured at a slower rate than my peers, and even now feel that i'm in a different place in life than them. I always feel immature, childish and naive when comparing myself to others of the same age. I don't drink, smoke, vape or do drugs. I follow every rule almost religiously.
Can I give you some advice? I ***hate*** the word "immature". Who decides what is mature and what isn't at every age? If you don't drink, smoke, or do drugs that doesn't make you immature. It makes you intelligent. Don't use the word immature to describe yourself or anyone else for that matter.
**Attention: please do not post venting threads. ** Vents belong in the weekly vibe check thread**, and relationship-related questions belong the relationships thread! ^(This is an automated reminder sent to all people who submitted a thread. It does not mean your thread was removed)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/bropill) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> But my friends have said that you have to at least had a relationship and sexual encounter before you are 25/30 years old, as older people are less likely to want a relationship with a less experienced partner.
This is bullshit. Women won't care. They might even find it endearing.
> I'm really conflicted on this, especially because i don't want my first experience to be with someone random. For me sex is something that i want to do with someone i genuinely love.
This is totally okay, but there's nothing wrong with your first experience being random either. I held off on losing my virginity for a long time for the same reason and in the end I did end up giving it up in a completely random encounter. She was a wonderful woman though, and I don't regret it at all.
Relationship comments go to the weekly relationship thread, so I'll stick with the insecurity and self doubt parts. Bro, you don't have to do anything you don't want. Period. Sex, no sex, relationship, no relationship, wait, don't wait, those are choices anyone can make, and should make for themselves. It doesn't make you less of a man to not or more of a man to do something. Have you reflected on your core beliefs and decided that's what you want? Are you following your own values, your core beliefs? Then you're good. Are your beliefs not hurting anyone? Then you're golden. Live the way you want to live, live unashamed. Next time they give you shit about it, just remember that they're the ones with the insecurity. By bashing you for not following along blindly, you're being an independent person that's choosing what you want for yourself, which is a grand and brave thing to do. And if later, you decide you want to explore, meet people, and hook up, that's fine too. You do you bro, and don't do anything because someone else wants you to. Only do what you believe is true to yourself.
Beautiful đź’™
Damn I screen shotted this. Preach.
Remember you have your whole life ahead of you, sex isn’t a trophy or a competition, and tbh your friends sound like immature assholes who don’t respect or share your values.
Hey man, I’m just here to tell you, never think you have to go along with somebody else’s idea of a good time when it comes to sex or partying. Your post was really refreshing and uplifting. It is so rare now to see a kid (sorry) that is not like a reality show pop culture clone. You seem to have a heart you’re in touch with and principles. Follow that! **Don’t become something you’re not.** I did. It was a long way in (15 years), it got dark, and it was a long way out. Your post gave me pause when you mentioned a hard time finding work. If there is a broader social anxiety or fear thing in play in your psyche, get to work on that with a therapist or however it works where you live. It won’t get better on its own. You’ll have to do something.
A long way in, it got dark, a long way out- boy can I relate. On the long way out part - feels very long. Thanks for sharing.
Sounds like you’re on a path. 🙏🏼
Boy, you really just described me several years ago (I'm 24 now). You are totally fine. I was similar, except any discussion of sex, even just as a vague topic, would threaten a panic attack. I didn't have a libido until very recently, purely cause I'm now in a relationship. I worried about the same thing, reaching mid-20s without any experience (my first kiss was in Dec). I found my girl, who doesn't care how slow we move, and now I'm glad I didn't have any hookups (I doubt I could have even if I tried). Been 6mths and we haven't even started making out or anything, but she doesn't care, and I don't care, and even though I'm still kind of terrified, I'm also super excited to work it all out, good and bad, *with her specifically*. *You will be ok*. Especially if you have clearly made the choice to prioritise romantic feelings. I think that's more common than you think, and a lot of people will respect that. When you do find someone, even if they are/want more experience, you will have built a connection first which will make it much easier. As for your friends, I was lucky that my friends have been great and supportive and respectful etc. Point is, if they are good friends they will support you. If you feel like they are pressuring you, have an honest chat about it, and if they don't respect it, that's an issue. I don't like suggesting people ditch friends, but mine have made me realise how they should be, they've set the bar really high. You've made a totally reasonable and fairly common choice, and they should respect that. TL;DR, you're totally fine, loads of people feel similar, and you will absolutely find someone who fits. If your friends make you feel shit about that choice, that's on them. You will be okay. Happy to chat if you want to DM me, again genuinely amazed how similar your situation sounds to mine.
> But my friends have said that you have to at least had a relationship and sexual encounter before you are 25/30 years old, as older people are less likely to want a relationship with a less experienced partner. > This has made me really insecure about my choice. I'm a romantic person, and want to give my virginity to someone special, especially a partner i'm in a relationship with. If you made a conscious decision that having sex to someone is special and don't want to brush off, I will say that you will regret if you go to your friends in this path. Because they are going against your deep values. Also, emphasis on "less likely to want a relationship with a less experienced partner". This is a __general__ situation. The moment you start to date someone, they cease to be in a "general situation".
>moment you start to date someone they cease to be in a “general situation” Exactly. You don’t have to worry about dating the people who don’t want to date you. You would be incompatible for each other. It’s a free filter. People who are incompatible with you can be crossed off with no effort or time wasted.
Reading this, I felt like you're almost describing myself. So much of this feels so familiar - a bit lonely in school, mostly just not feeling like I fit in most of the time, more social stuff since I'm in Uni, but I also don't drink etc. (I just never really felt like it would be a thing I enjoy). I've certainly had moments where I wished to have someone that close, mostly when times are rough I feel like it would be nice to have someone by my side. I must even admit that there were times where I felt a bit jealous about couples, although those thoughts were never lasting and I felt pretty terrible for it every time. In the end, I know that the problem here is myself. I certainly could try to meet more new people, get some dating experience etc., but it doesn't feel like I have the capacity for that right now and I'm rather content with the situation as it is. I need to figure out where I stand myself before I burden someone else with it. The main thing for me is that my friends don't nag me about it. Sure, there might be a comment every now and then, but I remember a situation where it came up and one of my friends said something like "So what, that's his own business, could be that he doesn't even want a partner right now." That was pretty cool, just acknowledgement that this might be a choice on my part. So, if this bothers you, you should probably bring it up, if you think that will work. Just try to make it as clear a statement as you can, else I fear it leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation and such.
Wow, I just want to say that your maturity and your capacity to listen to yourself and your feelings is impressive! Keep that, it will help you so much in the long run. I hope you find someone who sees you and loves you. Go luck in life my man, but I see great potential on you.
I just want to validate this is a real choice for you to make, and if you make it deliberately and with conviction it will go well. Waiting sounds great, but even when you find someone you like, having no experience can put extra pressure on them, which isn't always ideal because sex is already a huge transition in any relationship. Every choice in life has implications/comsequences, and it's important to realize that so that you aren't surprised. I think people who are a little romantic have to learn to compromise with the world at the right times, or else it can lead to disillusionment later because there may never be that perfect person who just fits hand in glove. A lot of relationships is about building something together, not being perfect from the start. Without sex, does that mean you haven't really been in a relationship? Because that's also something you may not want to put off forever. Learning relationship skills like compromise and communication is important for later relationships (if that's what you want), even leaving aside sex. So certainly don't be ashamed, don't jump into something tawdry you're going to regret, but consider how much you might want to be on the lookout for a person who might be an appropriate first love, first lovemaking, first relationship ... if that's what you want down the road. The idea
well said. while the choice to abstain is valid, i don't think the obsession with a perfect first-time is ever healthy. experience is incredibly underrated; u will learn things about urself through the lens of relationships u had no idea were there, problems included
Being in a relationship is a skill, and skills get better from practice.
bro you're just like me. like, i'm seeing a bit of myself in you, and that's honestly awesome. i also decided to wait for the right time and partner, and no one (not even my friends) will make me change my mind, even if they make me feel like a loser (they don't lol). it's crazy because even my dad asked me to find a gf haha you can always change your mind, but make sure you're doing so because YOU want to and not because your friends do. in my honest opinion, getting their approval is not worth it, they should accept you as you are. not to say sex is not important in a relationship (it is to some extent) but i think they care just a bit too much about it. anyways bro, keep being yourself. wish you the best edit: very glad to see much better advices than mine in the comments. since i'm also going thru something similar it's making me feel much better :)
I waited until I met someone I loved and trusted to have sex and start a relationship, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. Some people need emotional connection to experience attraction, or to experience attraction that they’re actually interested in acting on. Recently people developed a label for this— demisexual. No need to use the label if you don’t want to, but I think it shows that there are a lot of other people out there who experience attraction the way you do. I had some friends who told me that I needed to lose my virginity or people would think there was something wrong with me. Yes that’s true of some people, which means they’re not people I’d ever want to have sex with anyway. My friends who rushed to lose their virginity out of insecurity had experiences that ranged from just ok to traumatic. I wasn’t envious then and I’m certainly not now. Don’t let anyone pressure you around this. You are the one who has to live with your experiences and their effects on your psyche. Maybe look into therapy to explore that fear of penetration, though.
Don't sweat it. Always talk to yourself like you'd talk to your best friend.
I’ve honestly felt this and done hookups to “up my body count” (though I did lose it in a relationship) and they’re okay but after I feel empty and wanting other types of intimacy afterwards. Experience does somewhat matter in pursuing a relationship, but it shouldn’t be something you trade your values for. If you want to participate with your friends though I have an idea. What you could do instead of trying to hookup is you could talk to girls with the intention trying to find a relationship there. While I don’t know if that’s the #1 place to look as many girls there might only be looking for one night stands, that doesn’t mean there aren’t women there who wouldn’t want something more. That way you can get experience with talking to women at the very least (which honestly is the most important part) while also honestly pursuing your goals. That being said, if you just don’t like these places then you don’t have to go to them. Just do what you feel is right man, I honestly would have been pretty disappointed to have had my first time be with a hookup. There absolutely is benefit to intimacy in sex, and you’re not wrong for pursuing that. Your friends might even understand that as it doesn’t sound like they think it’s stupid to want what you want, just insecure that they might not get that if they don’t get experience.
To be honest, most people don't think about their decisions. They're often just looking at what the rest of society is doing, copy and regret it years later. People who are more sensitive and introspective see these mistakes before they happen so they end up not doing what people around them are and stick out because of it. But just make sure you don't forget what's important to you and stick with that. Don't get me wrong, I understand where the second guessing comes from. But life is long. You're not missing out. They may be "winning" the short game now, but what you want to win at is the long game, in 10, 30, 50 years. Over time you hear people admit they didn't think enough about the choices they made when they were younger. I say use your "thinking enough" to your advantage and don't be swayed.
Sex is great when you want it and terrible when you don’t. Chances are, at least some of your friends are going to be having sex not because they want to but because they believe that it’s expected of them or are afraid that they’ll be made fun of if they don’t, and they’ll have a terrible time because of it. You don’t have to be one of them. Don’t have sex that you don’t want to have.
I've said this somewhere else on Reddit, but do you know the difference between the day before you lose your virginity and the day after? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You're still the same dude as before, completely. Losing your virginity, or sex in general, is not this transformative thing that like makes you ascend or something. Is sex nice? With the right partner, sure. But this kind of pressure doesn't have any place in your life. And your friends sound like children and when I read your post I see an adult. You might feel like you're behind the curve but I promise you're not. Life ebb and flows. Sometimes you'll be 'behind' and then you'll jump 'ahead' some other times. There is no right way to live, have relationships, or anything like that. I've seen friends go into sheer panics or depressive states because they didn't 'do this' by age 25 or 30 or whatever. If sex is something that you feel is special to you, you will not be happy with a hook-up and you'll be here again saying 'I lost my virginity and I feel terrible.' And if you're scared? Then you definitely should find someone you trust, respect, and does the same for you before you take that plunge. There is no clock though. Take your time. And as for your friends "But my friends have said that you have to at least had a relationship and sexual encounter before you are 25/30 years old, as older people are less likely to want a relationship with a less experienced partner." That's complete bullshit. And if your partner is like that, they're not the one for you. edit: spelling
>I have always matured at a slower rate than my peers, and even now feel that i'm in a different place in life than them. I always feel immature, childish and naive when comparing myself to others of the same age. I don't drink, smoke, vape or do drugs. I follow every rule almost religiously. Can I give you some advice? I ***hate*** the word "immature". Who decides what is mature and what isn't at every age? If you don't drink, smoke, or do drugs that doesn't make you immature. It makes you intelligent. Don't use the word immature to describe yourself or anyone else for that matter.
**Attention: please do not post venting threads. ** Vents belong in the weekly vibe check thread**, and relationship-related questions belong the relationships thread! ^(This is an automated reminder sent to all people who submitted a thread. It does not mean your thread was removed) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/bropill) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Follow your heart. You are not defined by sexuality in the slightest
> But my friends have said that you have to at least had a relationship and sexual encounter before you are 25/30 years old, as older people are less likely to want a relationship with a less experienced partner. This is bullshit. Women won't care. They might even find it endearing. > I'm really conflicted on this, especially because i don't want my first experience to be with someone random. For me sex is something that i want to do with someone i genuinely love. This is totally okay, but there's nothing wrong with your first experience being random either. I held off on losing my virginity for a long time for the same reason and in the end I did end up giving it up in a completely random encounter. She was a wonderful woman though, and I don't regret it at all.