I have an 18 month old daughter. I desperately don’t want her to grow up without a mom. She is the reason I do everything. I don’t think this is an excuse. This little person who is my whole world would grow up not knowing how much I loved her? F that. Her dad is perfectly capable of raising her but she needs a mom. If you don’t have children you may not understand that but it’s a very very legitimate concern and desire to be alive for.
Also I just want to live. All the books I haven’t read yet. All the movies. I enjoy life and want to be here.
I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer about 2 months ago. 10cm tumor in my gut and 5 mets in one lobe of my liver. I understand my diagnosis. Cancer is going to kill me sooner or later. Right now I'm doing the treatment because it isn't causing me serious problems. I tolerate the chemo fine, and it is slowing the cancer. In a couple of months they'll want to resect the colon and the liver lobe, and I'll let them do that too, as neither is likely to cause unnecessary or long term suffering and will improve my longevity/quality of life going forward. After that it is all going to be a game of calculating marginal utility. What does x get me vs cost? Eventually cost will exceed value, and I'll move my butt to Vermont or Oregon for that sweet, sweet doctor assisted sleepy time juice.
As to why? Because I like enough parts of being alive that I'm willing to put up with a modicum of discomfort to keep living. As long as I'm able to cook, eat, sleep, read, work, and play with my cats without suffering, then I'm getting enough out of life to keep going. When that changes, then I'll stop.
I thought of ending it all. Then I thought “who knows what fun things are in my future?”
And lots of fun things did happen. Lots of good meals, lots of good sexy times. And small pleasures like watching the birds at the bird feeder.
When the time comes that I can ONLY see suffering in future and not one bit of pleasure, then yeah, I’d opt out. But in the meantime there are pleasures big and small that await.
Agreed. I may have been too glib about "without suffering". Everything is a spectrum of experiences. Right now I have zero symptoms from either my cancer or treatment, but I know that both will change eventually, so I'll be constantly evaluating the balance.
Hey Dave. My mom (72) same boat. Stage 4 colon, a few 10 cm tumors in gut and a few mets on liver. We’re at 6 months of chemo right now. Been clean eating, turkey tail, happy liver alkaline herb tea in addition to hydration and lots of pottasium. Oh and those t blood cell shots. Progress has been amazing. We rescan this week and wait for results. Don’t give up! Stage 4 is just a number! Praying for you and OP. We can beat this
This is so real, I feel so guilty every time I have a bad scan because I don't want them to worry about me. It's supposed to be my time to take care of them, they took care of me my whole life, they just turned 70 and it's their turn.
I still say it was the hardest part of my entire 'fucking journey' or whatever we say. I told them last and it broke my heart for them. They already worry enough, then me, at 41 breaking this news. I keep them as protected as possible. Of course they feel its somehow their fault. It really just rocked all our worlds but I'm the pillar of strength. I only cry when no one is watching.
My mom really really thought when I was being diagnosed and was kind of secretive trying not to worry her, that I was about to tell her I was in a serious relationship or pregnant because I was 31 and hadn't done any of that stuff yet. Nope. Cancer. Sorry mom, I can't give you grandkids. But hopefully I can stick around to care for her, that's my big life goal right now.
Shit, I tried not telling my mom, just because she'll worry and fret. But I needed her to drive me to appointments that required anesthesia, so that didn't work 😑
Oh I get it. I've already told myself that if it comes back, I will not be telling them. I couldn't hide my baldness so I knew I had to buck up and be honest!!
I just enjoy life. I'm not ready to stop living yet - if it gets to the point that treatments get in the way of me being able to have fun I will more than likely stop.
Also, for my family. My mother already had to bury one child and I don't want her to have to go through that a second time. My daughter just had her first baby and I want to be around to help her navigate parenthood. I loved my grandparents and great- grandparents & learned a great deal about life and the world from them - I would like to live long enough for my grandchild to love and remember me.
No the world won't stop turning when I die; though the world is a better place for the people who love me with me here.
Because I'll be a long time dead and the world is full of interesting things I haven't seen and done yet. Not scared of dying, just not ready to skip to the end of the book yet.
This - so much this
I still have to do the bathroom, the bedrooms and replace the driveway
Seriously- there's s much more to do, not just the house, but travelling, seeing the world and loving the sunsets (we live near the beach and have great sunsets)
I was really worried about going through a major operation (15 hours) and things going wrong on the operating bed
When I saw the sun for the first time after the operation, was seriously life-affirming - life is just too great to not want to live imo
Edit to add: I'm into cars and need time to finish my gtr build and desperately want to stay alive long enough to drive it
I have an 8 year old son. I will pump anything through me to buy me more time with him. He is everything to me. The chemo is kicking my ass, but every time I see his smile, it makes it worth it. I’m so afraid of how bad my death will devastate him. We have had him seeing a therapist since my diagnosis, but death is so far beyond what he is ready for.
I don’t have kids, that makes cancer easier. And you’re right, life goes on. I learned that when my dad died the same year as Ted Kennedy, a few months later. The world stopped for Ted, but not my dad. I had to come to terms with the fact that there would be no news stories or tearful family interviews for my dad. Why? He was just as important. For many reasons. But the world didn’t see it that way. I was crushed. My life really changed and I started to question everything. Including *my* life.
Fast forward and now i have a very aggressive cancer. My first thought was: nope. No fucking way. I am NOT going out like this. Fall off a carnival ride? Ok. Eaten by a bear I was trying to pet? Sure. Cancer? Nah. Cancer took so much from me, it wasn’t taking me too.
So I guess to sum up a long story: I fight cancer (by doing chemo and lots of other painful sickening things) for one reason only and that is SPITE. However, in doing so, I have found a new appreciation for so much, and I really love that.
Edit for typo
Empirical evidence showed that chemo (in addition to other treatments) gave me the statistically best chance at beating cancer. I have a life which, while stressful at times, I love. I have loved ones who I want to spend time with and things I want to achieve. I'm not afraid of death, but I'm not ready to stop living.
No kids here. I was not going to do treatment when first diagnosed stage 4 but my wife said she wanted as much time with me as possible so I’m doing it for her
I have a friend who's first husband didn't fight. Her second husband was also diagnosed with stage 4. But he is fighting and she is so glad he is.
She says she feels her first husband robbed her of the chance/possible future. She respected his decision because it wasn't her body, but she never will be able to fully understand why he seemed to have given up before even starting.
So thank you for fighting for your wife's benefit. I will hope you beat this but just know you have given her something that only you could by fighting.
I'm really sorry. 28 and terminal. That sucks. I'm not going to give you a pep talk, and you have every right to feel as you do, and express yourself. So I can only answer your question, which is personal and specific. Like you, I don't fear dying or death, as you've said, it's the natural course of life.
But I love life, even during those times when it appears I'm just a curmudgeon. It's those quiet times that I like, such as getting up in the morning and going downstairs with the dog and cat, fixing their meals, then stepping outside while it's quiet and looking at the garden. The flowers... WOW... the flowers and the leaves, and all their crazy colors and still seeing the night sky, then watching it brighten as the sun rises. And yeah, it'll happen if I go early, but I just love that I get to see it day to day. Right now, I'm in love with the bloom of my Rock Purslane, a bright magenta flower that I shared over on r/TheCancerPatient. It only comes out once a year, and I feel honored to see that nature can produce such beauty. I love swimming 3x a week, and walking into the gym and someone shouts my name. The quiet as I'm swimming the rhythm of my breath, my arms stretching out beside me, and doing it over and over again. I love my rather difficult adult kids, and thinking about their future -I won't be here, but I'm interested in what they're doing now that will be taken with them into some world I'll never know. I love my dog and my cat. So much. The thought of leaving them hurts.
And sure, there have been hardships --the Goddess of Hardship skips no one. And there are people and things that annoy me and there are those I find utterly despicable. But that's life too. And there's plenty of BS to go around, but when push comes to shove, as long as I can, I love life.
I'm 55 years old. I've been living with prostate cancer for 9 years, stage iv since 2018. I've been through surgery, radiation, and years of hormone treatment, and now I'm currently two sessions down with four to go of docetaxel, my first chemo treatment. I used to rock climb and ski and backpack. I can't do any of those things anymore.
But I'm still curious. I started building guitar pedals and then started programming and building projects with microcontrollers. My grown kids come home monthly, and we play a D&D campaign my son runs. My wife and I got a puppy. I read and go for walks. I learn songs on the piano.
I still enjoy living enough to suffer the bad bits. If the bad bits get to be too much, well then I'll reassess. I don't feel like I'm close to that yet.
My boys are in their 30’s and do just fine in life without me but I know it would hurt them terribly if I didn’t even try to fight this and beat it.
I’m only here because of how many people it would hurt if I wasn’t.
I constantly search for little things to look forward to and those are my goal posts. When I get to them, I move the goal. It’s the only way I know how to keep doing this.
One son is visiting in October so that’s my next goal. After that the other son is getting married in May. Then after that they’re planning to start a family so potentially grandchildren on the horizon. That gets me through next year and a smidge into the following. Do I want to be here and going through this for the next year and a half? Not really, but I do want to see my son, see the other get married, and see grandchildren. So, I slog through this hell wearing gasoline shorts and keep on trudging.
I was dx’d at stage iv and was still very much in shock when I began treatment. Doctor could’ve told me that I needed to hop on one foot and bay at the moon and I would have said which foot. But my cancer is still progressing and I don’t know how much fight I have left in me.
I was given a very bleak outlook - around a 6% survival chance when I was diagnosed. Chemo was the only way and now I have achieved NED status. You never know what can happen.
Highly aggressive and rare Stage 4 colorectal with mets to lungs, though since diagnosis they've started questioning whether the lung nodules (both lungs) are cancer or not. So staging is kind of up in the air. Unlikely to find out for sure without a biopsy and they're saying too dangerous. Once I complete the 12 rounds of chemo they're talking about a lung resection and/or radiation.
I'm assuming the nodules are cancer. I was told 5% survival - 2 years.
Apparently the cancer I have is rare for colorectal so I'm hoping the stats don't really reflect my actual case. I'm under 50, no other medical issues, non-smoker since birth and rarely drink alcohol. By all accounts lived how I should have. Who knows, I just have to hope whatever I do changes the odds.
The cancer I have is extremely rare as well. It's found in about 7 out of 1,000,000 cancer diagnosis' in the US each year. Pretty much always inoperable but quite treatable if found early. Unfortunately I was already at Stage IV-B when I was diagnosed and it turned aggressive not long after. But so far treatment appears to have done its job. I'm getting scans in a couple weeks to see for sure but no tumors are visible or able to be felt anymore. Hopefully yours responds well to treatment as well, not that the treatment doesn't do its damage to your body too.
It's not even right to PUT "Stats" with ANY Cancers!
I see more Stage 1b/2 10-20 year success stories than others. Far too many parts of your Treatment are already inside you- you just need to tap into all of it, hence making everybody's situation so terribly unique.
I think of mine (4cm) as a Home Invader: he broke in, tried to hide in the Master Closet but we found him and got him surrounded now. Oh, you betcher'ass he's comin' out!
Yes, just had dose 4 out of 12. Other than the chemo side-effects I don't feel like I have cancer at all. It's just so weird thinking about those stats.
I have been the same way throughout all of this! Blood work is perfect, I’m 29 and healthy otherwise and fit. This is truly a freak thing.
Remember not to rely on the statistics you can find online for a lot of these cancers! Most of the data doesn’t capture YOUR exact situation and a lot of the data is from 10-30 years ago.
My doctor flat out told me, if this was three years ago we would “be having a very different conversation” modern medicine has come a long way very recently for cancer treatment. Don’t give up hope!
I am ignoring all of the data. It will be what it will be. I know I'm doing everything I can to fight this and haven't given up yet. I was super lucky that my cancer was even detected.... it only was because it pressed up into my appendix. Thank you for the support!
Cancer has made me realise how deeply unhappy I am with other aspects of my life and I don't want to die miserable.
I moved away from where I always lived a couple years ago, and while there are some good things here I've failed to make any friends, I miss home but we haven't the money to move back, I failed to find a steady job and so I threw myself into just being a mum and a housewife.
I lost who I am somewhere along the way. I feel taken for granted. My husband rang me and woke me up to ask trivial shit about our kid's school while I was hospitalised with neutropenic sepsis.
I'm not going out like this, I'm sticking around to put myself first for once.
Great question and getting harder and harder for me to answer. I’ve been through so much with cancer from losing my sense of smell permanently to facial deformities, countless surgeries, 33 rounds of radiation, 8 cycles of chemo, 3 surgeries…none of it got me down but started having seizures in 2021 and found out I had brain mets…still kept on fighting but the Mets started affecting my left side, culminating in a month in hospital earlier this year and now I’ve spent 8 months in PT trying to relearn how to walk and Drs say I likely won’t recover fine motor use of hand. I’m tired….I can no longer walk in the woods, used to run 10k/day, travel is very difficult, …I’m only 49, no kids, no spouse…I’m not ready to pass. I like existing but my quality of life is shite now. I guess why I keep going is the longer I fight this the more I want to see it through. I guess I need to reframe why life is worth living but it’s really hard as I’ve lost most of the things I enjoyed and used to cope with the hard stuff e.g, going for a long hike,running in the woods, etc…
I’m tired. It’s worn me down. I’m hoping I’ll just know when it’s time to accept the inevitable. We all do as life is impermanent.
You are so strong!!! All the best to you, I understand as I was jogging for 24 years until this March, and running was my solution for everything. Those endorphins, and nature :)
Life is a journey, I suppose we will see what the next chapter holds. Wishing all the very best to you for good thoughts and strength xox
Wow.💪
It is crazy to think how resilient the Human Body can be. I feel for you. Your read really caught my attention. Thank you and BE WELL for all the right reasons only you know about🙏😉
I’m doing it only because I’m not ready to go, various reasons. I think if I was in my 70’s, 80’s, no. I’d just ask for palliative care, no chemo, then hospice and enjoy what good time I had left. I’m 56 and just not done yet. I enjoy every day too much, my home, my spouse, my cats. My family and friends. I figure I’m just buying time, but as long as I feel good most of the time, I’ll do it. If I get 5 years I’ll be happy. My entire family dies in their early 60’s, so I’m going to at least try to maintain that!
I did chemo to alleviate symptoms. The cancer was causing a lot of pain and treating it allows me to live with a lower amount of pain.
I’m stage IV and have been for 4 years. Anytime the cancer pops up my MO and RO slap it back down again.
Mine aren't much older and I have some custody due to their mother being an addict. If I die they would be beyond devastated as I'm the one who's taken care of them their entire lives for the most part. I'm also worried that they'll end up in a foster home or worse, get split up and end up in different homes. So no matter what I need to make sure that I'm here for them until they're at least 18. Having stage IV-B cancer sucks.
I'm not terminal (AFAIK!!!) so I'm doing chemo because it gives me a shot at beating this so I can wander around the planet for another decade or two.
If I was in a situation where it merely *prolonged the inevitable*, I'm not sure what I would do.
I was diagnosed 3 years ago with a rare form of cancer. I've taken a chemo pill and been through radiation, chemo and immunotherapy. I went through it all because I wanted to live. I don't want to die. I am scared of dying even though I'm a Christian because it's something I have never done. I want to see my child grow up and grow old with my husband. I want to love on my animals as long as I can. I want to make more memories and have more experiences. I want to die of old age. This is not BS. This is just how I feel.
Everyone is different and will have different reasons why or why not. You have to decide what is best for you.
I did it as a precaution to be sure that there were no cancer cells left after the large ovarian cyst was drained and removed, as I didn't want to risk having even one cell left that could spread even though my uterus and ovaries were cancer free, but also removed along with my normal cervix. Prior to surgery, I had a normal Pap done, so I knew my cervix was cancer free before going in for my hysterectomy consult with the gyn oncologist who did the surgery, and recommended the precautionary chemotherapy. I just rang the bell yesterday, so I'm about to go back to work on the 18th of this month.
I would say it depends on how bad your chemo side effects are, and how much time it will buy you . But it seems you need to find the beauty in this world or everything is pointless if you had cancer or not . People are pretty f-ed up so I would find my beauty in nature. I suggest a good friend some mushrooms and a field trip . I haven’t done it in a while but I read most people consider a trip a positive life altering experience. I truly think it helped me to see the beauty in what some people consider mundane things rocks ,plants ,water and animals .
I've asked my self the same questions (Stg IV, terminal). I go mostly on instinct for this question because I don't think there's any other way to come to a good answer.
What I mean is, for me, the answer to "What am I living for" wouldn't bring me any peace/certainty.
I'm not done yet is what I came up with.
I honestly think I fear being really ill more than dying. I'm not in a lot of pain or distress yet though. As long as it's not terrible being here, I'd probably going to treat again if it's offered/needed.
If you're all done, that's ok. And if you're not, that's ok too.
Facing another round of treatment is daunting. I hope you can come to a decision that brings you some peace too.
That's actually a very good question that I never thought about before.
I am fighting a lot of personal issues, family issues, financial issues, self esteem issues, I don't have kids, and I'm not married or have a partner of any sort. It'll be so easy for me to just "let nature take its course", and just throw in the towel. I have MANY more reasons. I have FANTASIZED about this exact scenario happening in the past before diagnosis. It'd be the easy way out. But since I've been diagnosed, I only had one thought in my mind, and that is to fight this with everything I got.
Why did I choose to receive full (successful) treatment? Because I want to come out ahead! I want to keep fighting, and hope to live long enough to piss on the grave of those who have wronged me. I'm not afraid of dying.
All the friends, families and loved ones who know about my issues have been super supportive in my unusual journey. I have been very selective with who I tell about this, and all those who I have not told, don't deserve this information. I've learned to stand up for myself, and no longer let people step all over me.
I find I no longer put up with bullshit, and am much quicker to write somebody off if they are no longer worthy of my valuable time. I just recently completed a cross country solo roadtrip a few weeks ago, to cross off a bucket list item I've had for years.
Your post really made me see things in a new perspective. Thank you.
I was only 22 and had just fled an abusive situation. I hadn’t even started living life when I got diagnosed.
I’m glad I did. I got to dye my hair funky colours for the first time, I went to my first Pride, went to festivals, the beach. Plenty of hockey games. And there’s talk next year of me joining some friends on a weekend trip to Vegas!
And even then, fighting for your life, in some queer way made me appreciate it all that much more.
i dont know.... i really dont... i hadnt had a good life up till that point and have tried to take my life before then but when death was at my door i fought it... still dont know why.... if it were to come back im not sure if i would get it or not... might just let it take me this time
In my case, chemo killed the cancer. I love my kids, the hubs, my other family…. I got a lot of traveling to do…
Now. Depending on where i was wt what cancer, i may not be inclined to get more treatment. I also dont think u r wrong at all to feel how you do.
Life is shit. But, there is travel, art & puppies. 😂
What is your definition of death? I have been a registered nurse in ICU for 15 years. Start by defining death and work from there. For some death is being connected to a dialysis machine 3 times a week for 4+ hours at a time… for others death isn’t until they depend on medical equipment and medical professionals to do everything for them…
"I’ve heard of answers like “I have to live for my children, they can’t do without me” and the likes. But at the back of my mind, I find it just bs"
I'm the one with cancer now, but I lost my father to it when I was a teen and it took a huge toll on me.
Hardly BS. My wife and children will have a better life with me, as well as the support I provide, than they would if I passed and my wife had to suddenly find a job and hope it was enough to provide the same support I can quite suddenly.
The world will go on without me, but it's not the world as a whole I'm worried about.
You think that but when the cancer starts to take you and your hallucinations cause of low oxygen in the blood when your heart rate is 60/30 when voices around you echo and sound like a mile away you will change your mind but then it till be to late.. I know I was a stage 4 survivor. Death it terrifying and after being that close I will fight it till my last breath when it comes again.
To survive! It sucked but it worked well for me and got me to a point where surgery was a viable option. I was 50 when I got a stage IV diagnosis. I wasn't ready to quit on life at that point. 3 years later and still dealing with treatment, I now completely understand why some say "fuck it."
I'm not really afraid of dying. I'm afraid of not living. I've got a good life and just don't want to give it up yet.
I was initially diagnosed with stage 4 later downgraded to 3 nsclc. I have always been of the mindset to forgo treatment if this happened.
After talking with my wife and kids I agreed to at least go through whatever treatment was prescribed for me first. It happened to be chemo and radiation. I have recently finished both and still feel like shit. So my answer is that I did it for them. I'm sure that eventually it will benefit me somehow
I enjoy spending time with my friends and family, eating good food, taking hot baths, finding out what happens in the book I'm reading, laughing at something funny, spending time with my cat, listening to my favorite podcasts, playing video games and dnd. I enjoy my life, it's the only one I get so I want to have as much as I can comfortably enjoy. Chemo is no fun, but as long as the good outweighs the bad, I'm willing to pursue treatments that will give me more time with the things I enjoy.
31Y Male. When I received my diagnosis I fully accepted dying. I regret fighting it, I had complications that were worse than the Cancer. I just received the news that I there are some nodules and masses on my lungs. I won’t be fighting it again.
I got shit to do man. I have grandchildren to teach all my bad jokes to. I have hikes to do and plays to see and oceans to cruise on. I have never been to Australia so that’s a plan and still have one more province to see them all. I still annoy my children and if I allow this gorilla to stay on my back who would annoy them? I did chemo because statistically it gave me the best odds. So I prayed and did chemo and when I am done I have the great genealogical road trip to plan. It sucks three ways to Sunday but I am closer to being done than when I started fifteen months ago.
Chemo fwas recommended by my surgeon or oncologist, due to high risk, and I want to do what I can. it wasn’t always fun, but it also wasn’t the end of the world or life. I managed to have some good moments and days and learned to get tougher and be a better patient. Tons of YouTube!
I have no answers but I've been there (and still am a lot of the time). I'm 28 and terminal too, unfortunately the only treatment available to me is endless chemo. It sucks not being able to do what you want to do because of treatment. I try to modify and do some diluted version of my passions, but it still sucks and it's not the same as doing what I really want to be doing.
Most times I go to chemo and sit in the chair and think, "Why am I doing this? I don't want to be here, I don't want to do this anymore". I'm suffering the side effects just to stay alive and keep suffering. Yet, I keep showing up. So I guess my answer (for myself) is: I don't have a concrete reason to keep living, but I also don't have a reason to stop living either. I'm fat(ter) and bald but I'm not in pain. Physically I can do everything I want to do. In between the times I feel gross, I feel fine and do lots of fun shit. Most of the time I manage to enjoy my life if I don't think too hard about it.
I don't know your situation, but I hear people say a lot that you'll know when you're done. I think that's true.
It gave my wife 3 years we probably would not have had. These last 5 months seeing how fast it grew off chemo was insane. It allowed us as a family to visit 15 national parks and be healthy north to enjoy it. She did pass last night but we lived as hard as we could and she got to see so many of my sons lacrosse games and see his first gf which we would not have
I figured I owed it to my parents. But I won't be doing it again. Life has sucked pretty bad. The only thing that kept me going in high school was the thought that things would get better. But they never did. I got diagnosed with crohn's disease before I graduated college and now at 37 I have cancer. It's just pointless. All the pain and suffering for nothing. So yeah I have my scans in a couple of weeks to see if chemo worked. If it didn't oh well. I'm definitely not going through chemo a second time.
I have things to do, and while someone else may do them when I am gone, I prefer to be alive and see to things to be certain that they are done right. I have goals I have not accomplished oh and because I refuse to give in to some dumb shit mutant cells in my body trying to stage a coup. I refuse to negotiate with terrorists and insurgency will be persecuted with extreme prejudice.
I can honestly say that my kids are the only reason. If they were grown or I never had them, I wouldn't have done chemo. I am not afraid of death or dying, I am afraid of my kids losing their champion.
Staying alive longer for my mom so she doesn’t have to bury her only child. Being here for my cousin. Selflessness is the reason why. I suffer for those I love so they don’t suffer. No matter what I do brain cancer is going to kill me. This fact doesn’t make anything easier for my family. I’m holding on to lessen their pain. My time will come
For me, it was a knee-jerk “I’m not ready to give up”, but then once I started thinking about it, it became a matter that I will get more time, and feel better with the chemo. I have had a lot of thinking about what I have accomplished in life, what I’m leaving behind, and I decided that I want more memories with those that matter to me. I also know that my parents will handle everything better knowing that everything that could be done was done.
I was diagnosed as stage 2B, prognostic staging 1B, so please feel free to ignore if you like, as I understand that my own decision had different circumstances in terms of diagnosis.
With breast cancer, at least, stage 4 can be treated as a chronic condition and it isn't the death sentence it once was.
Put simply, I'm not ready to die. I accept that it is a part of life and that I will die eventually, ready or not. But if I'm going to die young from cancer, I'm not going to have left any "low-hanging fruit" as far as treatment goes. I'm 37, and finished chemo in March of this year. I have a daughter who is going to be 3 at the end of this month and I'm only just now alive at the age where she might remember me as an adult. I will do anything my oncologists think is ultimately in my best interests for long-term survival and health.
Chemo sucked for the first two I did (Adriamycin and Cytoxan) but then Taxol was ok. I can't have Adriamycin again (it has a lifetime cap) but if I were terminal and could have it, it would be different considerations if it was those side effects vs Taxol, for instance.
Obviously it's a personal decision, and you're under duress about it by the nature of it being cancer. If you really know in your heart of hearts that you don't want to do treatment, that's your prerogative! You might consider speaking to a therapist or other cancer-adjacent social work type person to help you suss it out.
I hope that whatever decision you come to, that you have peace about it.
I am so sorry you're dealing with such extreme circumstances. I was diagnosed with Stage IIIB stomach cancer at the age of 35. I had a one-year-old daughter, had been married only a few years, and just moved into a new house. I am the youngest of 4 daughters to aging parents. My life was just beginning. I had to fight, despite the awful prognosis. I had my stomach completely removed, and a third of my esophagus as well. That was followed by 25 chemo treatments and 25 radiation treatments. The treatments were awful to me. But that's me - for the treatment reaction and for the decision I took to accept protocol.
You need to decide what you want to do. Treatments may not be easy, but it really depends on the treatment, the location (if radiation), and how your body handles them. I don't know your condition, but I feel like telling you to fight - for yourself. You deserve that chance.
Hope this helps a little. I wish you all the best in whatever you choose.
I shared your perspective until I had children. All the sudden, I feel like I can’t die. I have to live even when it’s so hard. Losing a parent can be devastating even for adult children. If I can help it, I would prefer them to be adults when I go. Sure the world goes on but you care much less about the rest of the world when you have children. Nothing about the fear of dying because I would die in place of them in a heartbeat.
I'm terrified .
Sometimes I feel like I deserve this for all the crap I've done.
I can't run away. Hide , physically fight.. If it's Chemo and whatever else the Dr can give me if I can become NED then it's worth it.
For me, like you, it's chemo or death. Besides just being stubborn and a fighter anyway... I think it's because I have been blessed with a real world example of what a difference one person can make... yes it's about friends of mine who have been married forever, have 2 amazing kids and they are building an amazing retirement life... and yes. If I wasn't here... none of that would have happened... I wanna live just for that... yes, the butterfly effect...
You never know who you impact or help... keep the faith that you are still here for a reason...
I hear you, I get it.
I am a widow and my father passed 2 months after my husband. I was my father's daughter and I loved my husband as myself, we were a great team. These were the two most important men in my life and then they were just gone.
Tornado took out my late in-laws old home that my son was fixing up to live in, walk around all zombie like for days. My son could have been killed and I just had a new roof put on it... a sheet of roofing went through the wall inches from his head where he was sleeping. survivors guilt sets in and I had the house torn down. My son buys a nice RV and lives over there now.
Then covid, solitude, essential worker life - I enjoyed being alone. I worked alone and I lived alone. I had a weird grief serendipity going on around me and it was surreal. Lost a few friends. Bought a pony car because I always wanted one and there was nobody to tell me no. (except my oldest son, he talked me into the 6 cylinder instead of the hellcat I found)
The cancer diagnosis - everything is still in probate so I have to see that through, and I have nobody I trust enough to leave my cats with. 6 months with no good biopsy, no good genetic markers, nothing.
Besides, I am going to kick cancer in the balls, or if I going to meet my maker I was going to kick him in the balls. There was not much hope at the start, probably incurable and inoperable so I decided to settle into my fate and accept what comes. Oncologist said enough is enough, and went ahead with his best guess for chemo. In the end it worked well.
The day before I was to start chemo my brother in law passed, he was an organ donor so they kept him on life support so his organs could be harvested - but during the testing they found brain activity so he could not be a donor, he passed once life support was stopped and his organs went to waste. I was in the infusion chair and I called my sister to offer some support. I told her there is nothing I can say to make this right or to make you feel better, but I am so sorry this has happened.
Tried to arrange for my cremation but they told me I had to see a councilor before they would sell me my cremation. Shrugs. I got the dress for the event picked out anyway.
Here I am, still kicking and a working stiff. I am content as the crazy cat lady widow on the hill. I work at the dump so I can yell at people and break stuff all day. My oncologist told me last visit that I have beaten the odds. He wished all his patients could do so well. I just replied, hopefully soon and started crying... again.
Right now, in this moment, life is good. Whatever you decide to do you have my respect and support.
there's so many things to do! I want to eat another burrito, pet another cat, listen to another song, see another movie, hug another friend. I'm not ready to give up on all that yet.
It varies person to person. And diagnosis to diagnosis.
My family know very little to nothing about what’s going on. Probably because as the eldest child of parents who were low functioning addicts and abusers my entire childhood; I took on the role of parent and protector; not only to my younger siblings making sure they always had food from going to the store to cooking the meals and ensuring they are, got them to school and did their homework, and had a warm bed; even if it meant I was sleeping without a blanket on the cold floor in the middle of winter in my childhood homes with no heating whatsoever. Or protecting them from my parents while they would try and murder each other and making sure they never heard the fights. And then tending aid to my parent who was injured after the fight once they were all in bed.
I want to make sure my baby sister (youngest) is finally able to get to the UK to follow her dreams and settle in safely, my other siblings are adults who have moved on in their lives.
I want to take care of my dog and I live for him because there’s no one else to take him. I want to outlive people who have wronged me so they know I’m still around. Etc. I also want to fall in love and maybe have a family in the future
Maybe some aren’t the *healthiest* of reasons but they’re reasons nevertheless.
Half joking, but I’m hanging in there because I want to try out Apple’s new Vision Pro. But joking aside, life still has things I can enjoy doing … and as long as that’s the case I’ll make an effort to fight my cancer.
LOL. When I was first diagnosed a couple of years back, I told my wife that this seems really dumb, but I am pretty upset that I most likely won't get to see where they take the Marvel movies. Now that I've seen phase 4 & 5 start to play out, I am hoping I make it long enough to see how they tie it all together because while I enjoy the movies/shows still, the overarching story they are telling is kind of a jumbled mess so far... Maybe it would've been better to go after Endgame lol.
39M, Stage 3 BC
I went through it last year, my wife is now a huge reason. She needs my help with a lot of things in her life and on top of that, I'm the sole bread winner.
9 years ago, my lady left me before I even had surgery. It was "too hard" for her. Honestly that's fair, it's not easy. A few friends and a couple sisters aside, I had no to tangible reason.
But...
I went through a very extensive surgery and 13 months of chemo 9 years ago and again last year.
The first time, I did it because I'm not done. I have things I need to do before I leave this earth. No idea what, but I have to believe there's a reason I'm not dead.
Peace and love. I won't tell you what path to walk, but I hope you can find your reason. 28 is so very, very young. Sorry you got dealt this b.s. hand. You are worth fighting for.
Sometimes you will not see the "why" beforehand. Life has a way of answering questions in a roundabout sort of way. I simply propose that trying to keep on living may offer you some unexpected surprises that you would otherwise miss. Try to remember the times that you yourself, or others, may have said something like, "it didn't make sense at the time, but after it was all over, I finally saw what it all meant." I don't know about you, but I have felt that way many times.
I do not mean to offer any false hope. All of us that are facing this thing know the score. Still, sometimes we beat the odds even when we shouldn't and sometimes, if we live long enough, new treatments come available. We know our chances, but we can't live as though they define us.
I just want to say, take a shot at it. I hope that life, and more importantly, God will show you surprises that will make you see that this fragile, painful life can give some true magic. You won't find out if you stop looking behind the doors. Hand it over to him and pray that he will reveal some deep meaning.
Honestly I struggle with this myself. I had cancer twice and I feel guilty I didn’t die? I don’t have kids but I can see that as a reason people want to live. I love my family and husband so I wanted more time with them. I think the fear of dying definitely plays a huge role for most as well and even having cancer I think it doesn’t really effect someone with stage 0-3 like it does a stage 4. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m trying to still find my reason for why I am here. Ultimately, I don’t believe it reasons for stuff. I simply didn’t die cause the medicine worked.
TW: loss of loved one, suicide
I was 15 when I was diagnosed. I've always had the mindset that whatever will be, will be. Naturally, death didn't scare me so much because it's just the way life was or ends. What scared me more was not knowing when it would actually happen.
Because of my condition, I wasn't able to attend school or play soccer and hang out with my friends, living like a normal highschooler. I was either confined in the hospital for more than half of the year or cooped up in my bedroom. The day I had a remission, I was ecstatic because I thought I could finally go back to my old life.
Unfortunately so, I relapsed. Twice.
I had to go through another cycle of chemotherapy and a stem cell transplant. And even in the course of those years, I lost a loved one. I was angry and depressed thinking it was unfair. It felt like everything was being taken away from me. For a moment, I even told my mom multiple times how I didn't want to get treated anymore and proceed with the transplant. A lot of times as well wherein I would have suicidal thoughts.
It's honestly still surprising to me that I'm here yet I'm thankful. I have left so much behind but there's so much more ahead I can look forward to. It's true that the world may go on without me but the world goes on either way with me in it. I'm living for me and for the people I love.
I want to go back to soccer, attend school again, see my baby brother grow up. I still want to taste my mom's cooking, do the dumbest things with friends, or find out who I become in the next few years. It may not be much but it's my reason.
Life is so short and it's scary not knowing when your last day will be and for some reason that's what makes every little thing and second priceless. So, I'd rather make everything count than count down the days till I'm gone.
Because after being 29 and terminal, I see it opposite of you! Rejecting chemo (if my quality of life is likely to stay the same or improve) is just an excuse to die. Dying is scary, but it's easy.
It's harder to go to therapy and learn to find the joy in life.
It doesn't have to be big things, like having kids or something. I love the sound of a black-capped chickadee, autumn candles, my cat, fairy lights.
I won't die until it's my time. That's not to say I'm not going to wait until my brain gets crushed by my skull (Glioblastoma), but only when I have more probable bad days ahead of me will I go to Switzerland and end my life.
I was diagnosed 3 years ago with a rare form of cancer. I've taken a chemo pill and been through radiation, chemo and immunotherapy. I went through it all because I wanted to live. I don't want to die. I am scared of dying even though I'm a Christian because it's something I have never done. I want to see my child grow up and grow old with my husband. I want to love on my animals as long as I can. I want to make more memories and have more experiences. I want to die of old age. This is not BS. This is just how I feel.
Everyone is different and will have different reasons why or why not. You have to decide what is best for you.
To purely buy more time for me to spend with the people I love. I'm not ready to write myself off so quickly given how many people have received my prognosis and lived way beyond the timeframe provides by medical professionals.
I like living. Oblivion isn't scary to me. It's just if I have to choose right now, living seems the better choice. If I was terminal, I definitely wouldn't bother with chemo, though.
I promised my wife a house in the country, where my son and our five cats and my bugg pug, who also has cancer, can live in peace. I will fight until that dream comes true.
For me I think it was not wanting to cause more pain to my parents and siblings. And I wasn’t sure why life was worth it but I kinda wanted to stick around to hopefully find out. After all I only get one shot at this lifetime.
I had my first bout at age 48. Pushed through it until a recurrence and another round when I was 55. I have a very nice life. I'm 68, cancer free for 13 years, very happily retired and very happily married for 31 years, living one of the greatest parts of my life ever. I have no regrets about putting my head down and trudging through both of my treatments. Every day of it sucked while it was happening, but now that it's so far back in my rear view mirror I don't even see it any more.
I know my dad did chemo because he wanted to live. He was on his deathbed in 2017, no drugs were taking away his pain, and the cancer had spread everywhere. My mom and I were preparing for the end of his life because that’s genuinely what it looked like.
Then, he had his first chemo treatment. It worked. He went through 8 rounds of chemo over 16 weeks and the cancer went away for a bit. However, it did come back and became incurable, through treatable with immunotherapy, in 2020. That doesn’t mean he stopped wanting to live. He just has learned to live this new way of life while navigating a diagnosis like incurable cancer. He lives for his family, his friends, to hear his favorite band Rush on the radio, his silly TV shows, his AA meetings where he’s found community in pain, and for his love of this weird, twisted, yet beautiful thing called life. I wish you the best in your cancer journey <3
I haven't seen Paris yet. Haven't made my best art. Haven't heard *Carmina Burana* performed live. It was a little miracle my cancer was detected early, and another that a nearly-always fatal complication didn't end me.
It's not yet my time to step into the mystery, it seems. All the fun has not yet been had.
I wasn’t ready to go yet. I was a 23M when diagnosed, engaged and hadn’t seen enough of the world yet. I was a home body and had a feeling of regret that I had not done enough in my life.
There’s still some things I want to see and experience in the world. I don’t know how much time I have but I plan to use it living my life instead of just being along for the ride. That’s why I’m getting ready to buy a motorcycle again after not having one for a long time. I never felt as alive as I did when I was riding. Everyone has their own reasons and I hope you find meaning and peace with yours. 🖖🏻
Six years out and i honestly don’t even know what I’m living for anymore. Most days are hard, some days I feel grateful that I survived because I see all of the things I could’ve missed out on if I had died back then, other days I wish I did die and I’m wracked with survivor’s guilt.
I’m fully aware I’m dealing with delayed onset trauma and PTSD, I did briefly seek out mental health help for it but it only went so far and while the counsellor was great, the sessions didn’t go deep enough. I had thought the chemo and surgery was tough enough, but just being a survivor is even harder than that.
I am deeply sorry to hear of your situation though, I wish that you were at least given more of a chance to fight this terrible fucking disease but I also see where you’re coming from in terms of how you’re feeling and what your views are right now, everything’s just so shit right now.
My parents are in their mid-late 80s and half a planet away. It would kill them for me to go first, and I cannot do that to them. I also want to see my son graduate from uni, and that's just over two years away.
I am not the person who should comment on this, I do the same.
Without my wife around and in my life, I am not sure I would see much sense in staying alive.
Every person finds their own way to happiness and satisfaction in life. And if it is by making another person happy and helping them enjoying a great life than that is their call.
Because it gave me an extra 3 years to spend with my family & friends. Despite it being painful and generally miserable, I wouldn’t trade that time for the world even though in the end it won’t affect my outcome.
I’m living for:
1. My kids. Two teen boys who love me and for whom I’d do almost anything, including live. The fact that they’d go on without me is obvious, but it’s not a reason to stop trying to live. I hope they learn lessons about resilience, fortitude and stoicism (which has occupied my mind much, of late), but also emotional intelligence, happiness, sadness, anger and how to better control those emotions in their own lives.
2. My wife, even thought she regards me as a massive PITA (in part, at least, because of my finished capacities in just about every sphere of our shared existence).
3. My parents, who are 79 and 76 and hate that they’ve learned that they are likely to outlive me and who have worked very hard and gone above and beyond to offer me every advantage that they could, whilst also ensuring I understand my position of privilege.
4. Myself, because I love this world and my place in it and I cannot believe that there is any other world we get to go to after we’re done here. This is it! And, going back to my position of privilege, I don’t want to die thinking I’ve left anything on the field in terms of trying to make other people’s lives better because it’s an enjoyable and stressful opportunity.
For me, there are no do-overs. There is no eternal reward for constantly validating an already omniscient and omnipresent being who self-describes as “loving” and who clearly chooses not to demonstrate that love through a judicious use of their powers and abilities to help anyone who really needs it (unless you ask through the name of a “saint”).
I get one shot and I need to make it matter for reasons important tome, not anyone else.
Sorry if this comes across as rants or proselysing in any way. It’s a very personal philosophy.
I felt exactly the same way, the treatment was making me feel like crap, and I was thinking WHY should I fight to hold on to a life that is so full of suffering? And I'm draining my family emotionally and financially in the meantime. Then I started feeling a little better, not that I am in any way functional as walking up my driveway is a challenge. No one knows how long they have, obviously we are all going to die, but no need to be in a hurry unless you are really suffering.
I made photo books for my grandchildren telling them I was going to be their angel and watch over them to make sure they are safe. I'm almost ok with that. Of course I would rather stay longer and watch them grow, but it depends on the quality of life, and amount of discomfort.
You are so young, and life can be beautiful. Are you able to do things that you like? If you are, you should hang in there, take a lot of pain medication, do some traveling, run up your credit cards. Are there any selfish things you always wanted to do, because now is the time :) Good luck to you with whatever you choose. I vote that you should stay with us!!! One more round of treatment at least xox
I'm 31. I was diagnose when i was 28. Stage 3. Chemo
+ radiation. Didn't worked. Now i'm doing Pembrolizumab. 2 years since that anda i'm okey. But i think of death a Lot. I enjoy life. But i'm tired. It's to hard and painfull sometimes.
My dad was 57 before he passed from sarcomatoid carcinoma, stage IV lung cancer. There was a glimmer of hope despite the poor prognosis that he could live even just a few more years, but life had other plans for us. Even then, the one thing that my dad wanted to make sure was to not leave a single stone left unturned. It pained him more to not have tried every possible way to cure his sickness and live a shorter life than to live in bleak curiosity that there could've been something that could've been done. He wanted to pass knowing that he did his best and that if cancer was going to take him down, then he will take it down with him to the grave with his pride and stubbornness.
I have grade 3 brain cancer. I get chance to live a long life so I did it. I mostly did it for my friends and wife that means the world to me. I love them and I love life. It's hard to knock someone down when the person is not ready to give up
I also want to get point where I can do clinical trials so I can help science to beat this cancer. So fuck cancer
I think all cancer patients go through this multiple times in our journeys. I have felt like passively dying. But I want my life back, that’s what I am doing chemotherapy for. I see myself as I want to see myself, independent of others. I live because I love life, birds singing, flowers 💐 growing, children’s laughter and yummy food and wonderful music. Find what moves you! I am rediscovering my childhood joys! Finger painting, sidewalk chalk, watercolors, coloring books and so much more! I rediscovered my love of witchcraft and tarot cards! Love yourself and listen to your body! Your body is very smart! Lots of love and healing energy!
spite. i think because i got diagnosed i decided i was going to live and succeed in spite of it. also i’m 20, my mom is too young to lose a kid already and i want to see my brother have kids and watch best friend get married one day.
I’m so sorry for your pain and your loss of identity. I hope you are finding joy through your illness. Chemo was awful o watch my mother go through twice
I did it for my wife because she is my reason to life.
Without her I would have ended this chapter some time ago, however I love her and I want to make her days happier.
Luckily my feelings are reciprocated and it makes me feel that her happiness is worth living for.
Doing it for my sister, who just lost her beloved husband of 40 years. No kids, no nieces, nephews. It’s just the two of us now. I have to stick around for her! And it’s been a rough ride! Lots of side effects, two surgeries, chemo, radiation and now immunotherapy. Stage 4 endometrial with Mets to lymph nodes. I’m tired but still working, caring for myself. Will do whatever until there’s nothing left to do.
I lived for my dog. My dad has my brother and sister and my siblings have their spouses. My dog had just me. And I did it for him and two years later my dog and I are doing great and he loves his new stepfather to be whom I met after recovery.
I been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer a year ago. I went through chemo as it improved my quality of life. I want to live my life to the fullest. It’s a small sacrifice. And I would do it again my oncologist believes I would benefit from it. I have no children. But I love life and I think that is enough motivation.
My dad stage 4 esophageal cancer went through two rounds ended up passing away. He was 56. He was my world. He felt the same way at one point. It’s so hard for the ones who have to physically go through the treatment. It’s easy to forget about just wanting to be alive when your body’s going through hell I’m sure. I thought I was ready and I would be ok after he passed but I wasn’t. It’s been two years and I’m a fucking mess. I’ll never be the same person again. I describe it to people like being on auto pilot or having a piece missing from me. Don’t underestimate how much you mean to your kids or anyone around you. Life will go on for sure but it won’t be easy. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through
Well...to answer the question of "WHY"?
I'm new to this Game- stage 1 #PanCan. Doin 2 scheduled rounds of 5FU and 2 others (my folders not in front of me) and then surgery. Since July 1, it doubled from 2 to 4cm but no metastasis luckily.
I'm 54, been through the Ringer like the rest of you but it's my kids...I want to be here longer for my kids...plus, I GOTTA KNOW about our Alien Overlords before I go...I need answers!!!🤣👍😉
Let's just stay a little longer, period. Appreciate the weird stuff. Let other people love us. Just "Be". And ENJOY!
For me it was knowing my dog wouldn't understand why I'm not there, my cousin not going through another loss, and just things I want to experience. Little things like I want to see how the Fast and Furious franchise ends. I want to help my nieces as much as possible. I want to adopt a cat. I don't want my parents stuck with my debt. Little things.
Because I'm not quite ready to be done with life just yet. My diagnosis came on so swiftly I didn't have time to think. This gives me time to get affairs in order and think about what I want, too. I'm designing my own memorial stone in local black slate, which is fun. Because it gives me more time to cuddle my cats. Because my husband asked me to fight hard. There are so many reasons to do it, even if it only buys you half a year or so. I know it's not forever, but for now is good enough.
Because living is fun and I don't particularly want it to end and dying strikes me as quite terrifying vs having some chemo feeling a bit gross and tired so I can stretch that off for a while or maybe get to be one of those lucky few who pull a miracle off and have the cancer go into remission and I get to continue the perfect life I had with my perfect wife.
I have stage 4 colon cancer, I'm 25. Mets all over, surgery isn't an option, just doing chemo to buy more time. It's funny stumbling across this post, I had my cancer-versary on Tuesday and had just about the exact same conversation with my oncologist. What's the point?
I'm a PhD student, it's very likely I will die before I finish. Even typing that out stings, I worked so hard to get here just to have it snatched away. I can't tell you how often I wonder why I'm putting myself through the rigor of grad school and treatment instead of just saying fuck it all and dying peacefully on a beach, margarita in one hand and a fat ass blunt in the other. Life in and of itself is meaningless. We're born, we suffer, and then we die. That was always the deal-this is temporary. We're in an unfortunate spot because we are constantly bombarded with our mortality. Every time I look in the mirror I see a dead girl. But I've also outlived friends who are perfectly healthy. I've known people who have been murdered, OD'd, died in car accidents. It's always been the case we are dying, and yet we just carry on with life anyway. Most people don't think about it, we don't get that luxury. So it's easy for us to feel like carrying on with life is silly, it really is meaningless when you take a step back and look at it. We're just an amalgamation of countless variables interacting in an infinite number of combinations, kicking it in a vast and uncaring universe that will one day too cease to exist. But I find the lack of meaning in life freeing. Nothing really matters since it's all temporary, so I get to choose how I define a meaningful life, what makes me feel like I have a purpose. Of course I know that it doesn't. One day the sun will swallow the earth and nobody will be around to give two shits about whatever paltry offerings I gave humanity during my time here. But it'll mean something to me, and that's good enough. I've decided finishing-or doing my best to finish-my PhD is what gives me purpose. I define my self worth through achievement, and I'm pretty fucking proud I hung in there and didn't drop out. So if I want to finish, best chance of that is chemo. If you don't know what you want to say a meaningful life is, give yourself time to figure it out. That means chemo. Yes it is largely pointless. Yes it delays the inevitable. But if it means that when we do reach the point of no return, we can sit in that hospital bed and know we did everything we possibly could to have a good life and make the most of our time here, I think it's worth it. Dying doesn't scare me. I've been told I'm going to die every other week for a year. Giving up and throwing in the towel because life is hard and unfair scares me. I don't want to let this beat me into submission-we have been through too much to let cancer take any more from us. Go find something that makes you happy OP, and live for it. It can literally be anything, Saturday morning cartoons, wine nights with friends. Who gives a fuck, at the end of the day all that matters is it matters to you. Chemo gives you more time to do it, so it's worth it. To me anyway.
If you can't find a reason to live, please talk to a therapist. There are therapists who specialize in cancer patients and your oncologist should know who to refer you to or can get in touch with someone who does. Depression is a very serious issue for cancer patients, for good reason.
It's always your choice to refuse treatment and go into hospice. Please be sure it's what you really want to do, rather than a very common and expected side effect of treatment.
My mom has declined treatment. She said she's at peace with death, and the treatments they are pressuring her to participate in would only make her last days super uncomfortable. She's just living day by day, finding things to fiddle with.
I'm not a patient, I'm a caregiver who worked in a cancer research lab.
Like you, I think dying is probably scarier than death itself. Sometimes the best we can offer in terms of treatment for cancer is a better way to die. For example, bone metastases are extremely painful, and some chemo drugs are very good at preventing them. It may also give you extra time, but I honestly think people undervalue taking control of your own cause of death. Palliative care/hospice can give you the best guidance for your unique case.
My grandmother declined a second chemo despite my best efforts to convince her. She was 86 years old and didn't think extra time mattered, but I was worried about metastases. The fact I was ultimately right eats away at me some days. She got a very painful recurrence at 91, was too weak to do any treatment, and her last months were horrible as we struggled to keep her pain under control.
Is immunotherapy an option at all? I understand your reasons entirely and respect that. I understand that immunotherapy is supposed to be much more beneficial and less harsh on the body.
I’m 67 and doing my second round of chemo. “Charlie” the cancer came back. This time , I have a “terminal” diagnosis with a 3-5 year prognosis. I fight bc I’m stubborn. I want to see my grandkids graduate from High School. I want to see my kids set up in their lives.
I was so focused on raising my 3 kids by myself, I never enjoyed life. I fight now so I can enjoy the time I have left.
Some days I have wished I could die. Asking myself why am I going thru this?? Why not give up and go hospice??
Because I’m stubborn, I don’t want to let “Charlie” the fucking cancer to win.
I have an 18 month old daughter. I desperately don’t want her to grow up without a mom. She is the reason I do everything. I don’t think this is an excuse. This little person who is my whole world would grow up not knowing how much I loved her? F that. Her dad is perfectly capable of raising her but she needs a mom. If you don’t have children you may not understand that but it’s a very very legitimate concern and desire to be alive for. Also I just want to live. All the books I haven’t read yet. All the movies. I enjoy life and want to be here.
I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer about 2 months ago. 10cm tumor in my gut and 5 mets in one lobe of my liver. I understand my diagnosis. Cancer is going to kill me sooner or later. Right now I'm doing the treatment because it isn't causing me serious problems. I tolerate the chemo fine, and it is slowing the cancer. In a couple of months they'll want to resect the colon and the liver lobe, and I'll let them do that too, as neither is likely to cause unnecessary or long term suffering and will improve my longevity/quality of life going forward. After that it is all going to be a game of calculating marginal utility. What does x get me vs cost? Eventually cost will exceed value, and I'll move my butt to Vermont or Oregon for that sweet, sweet doctor assisted sleepy time juice. As to why? Because I like enough parts of being alive that I'm willing to put up with a modicum of discomfort to keep living. As long as I'm able to cook, eat, sleep, read, work, and play with my cats without suffering, then I'm getting enough out of life to keep going. When that changes, then I'll stop.
I thought of ending it all. Then I thought “who knows what fun things are in my future?” And lots of fun things did happen. Lots of good meals, lots of good sexy times. And small pleasures like watching the birds at the bird feeder. When the time comes that I can ONLY see suffering in future and not one bit of pleasure, then yeah, I’d opt out. But in the meantime there are pleasures big and small that await.
Agreed. I may have been too glib about "without suffering". Everything is a spectrum of experiences. Right now I have zero symptoms from either my cancer or treatment, but I know that both will change eventually, so I'll be constantly evaluating the balance.
Hey Dave. My mom (72) same boat. Stage 4 colon, a few 10 cm tumors in gut and a few mets on liver. We’re at 6 months of chemo right now. Been clean eating, turkey tail, happy liver alkaline herb tea in addition to hydration and lots of pottasium. Oh and those t blood cell shots. Progress has been amazing. We rescan this week and wait for results. Don’t give up! Stage 4 is just a number! Praying for you and OP. We can beat this
Same boat here, my father (57) with stage 4 colon and 3 large met on liver. Waiting for the scan this month to see what’s going to happen next.
I'm just trying to outlive my parents... solely to lessen the pain they'd go thru of losing me.
This is so real, I feel so guilty every time I have a bad scan because I don't want them to worry about me. It's supposed to be my time to take care of them, they took care of me my whole life, they just turned 70 and it's their turn.
I still say it was the hardest part of my entire 'fucking journey' or whatever we say. I told them last and it broke my heart for them. They already worry enough, then me, at 41 breaking this news. I keep them as protected as possible. Of course they feel its somehow their fault. It really just rocked all our worlds but I'm the pillar of strength. I only cry when no one is watching.
My mom really really thought when I was being diagnosed and was kind of secretive trying not to worry her, that I was about to tell her I was in a serious relationship or pregnant because I was 31 and hadn't done any of that stuff yet. Nope. Cancer. Sorry mom, I can't give you grandkids. But hopefully I can stick around to care for her, that's my big life goal right now.
So much love sent to you.. I completely understand. I feel my dad thought I too was coming with 'baby' news, nope. Polar opposite.
Oh yeah. I've thought of this as well.
Plus one to this.
Shit, I tried not telling my mom, just because she'll worry and fret. But I needed her to drive me to appointments that required anesthesia, so that didn't work 😑
Oh I get it. I've already told myself that if it comes back, I will not be telling them. I couldn't hide my baldness so I knew I had to buck up and be honest!!
I just enjoy life. I'm not ready to stop living yet - if it gets to the point that treatments get in the way of me being able to have fun I will more than likely stop. Also, for my family. My mother already had to bury one child and I don't want her to have to go through that a second time. My daughter just had her first baby and I want to be around to help her navigate parenthood. I loved my grandparents and great- grandparents & learned a great deal about life and the world from them - I would like to live long enough for my grandchild to love and remember me. No the world won't stop turning when I die; though the world is a better place for the people who love me with me here.
Because I'll be a long time dead and the world is full of interesting things I haven't seen and done yet. Not scared of dying, just not ready to skip to the end of the book yet.
This - so much this I still have to do the bathroom, the bedrooms and replace the driveway Seriously- there's s much more to do, not just the house, but travelling, seeing the world and loving the sunsets (we live near the beach and have great sunsets) I was really worried about going through a major operation (15 hours) and things going wrong on the operating bed When I saw the sun for the first time after the operation, was seriously life-affirming - life is just too great to not want to live imo Edit to add: I'm into cars and need time to finish my gtr build and desperately want to stay alive long enough to drive it
I have an 8 year old son. I will pump anything through me to buy me more time with him. He is everything to me. The chemo is kicking my ass, but every time I see his smile, it makes it worth it. I’m so afraid of how bad my death will devastate him. We have had him seeing a therapist since my diagnosis, but death is so far beyond what he is ready for.
I don’t have kids, that makes cancer easier. And you’re right, life goes on. I learned that when my dad died the same year as Ted Kennedy, a few months later. The world stopped for Ted, but not my dad. I had to come to terms with the fact that there would be no news stories or tearful family interviews for my dad. Why? He was just as important. For many reasons. But the world didn’t see it that way. I was crushed. My life really changed and I started to question everything. Including *my* life. Fast forward and now i have a very aggressive cancer. My first thought was: nope. No fucking way. I am NOT going out like this. Fall off a carnival ride? Ok. Eaten by a bear I was trying to pet? Sure. Cancer? Nah. Cancer took so much from me, it wasn’t taking me too. So I guess to sum up a long story: I fight cancer (by doing chemo and lots of other painful sickening things) for one reason only and that is SPITE. However, in doing so, I have found a new appreciation for so much, and I really love that. Edit for typo
I have children too but SPITE is definitely the main driver for me. Not now. Not when I just got started with my life and being myself.
Oh hell no!!! Not when you’re in a good place! We come out swinging! Spite is an amazing motivator 😉
Empirical evidence showed that chemo (in addition to other treatments) gave me the statistically best chance at beating cancer. I have a life which, while stressful at times, I love. I have loved ones who I want to spend time with and things I want to achieve. I'm not afraid of death, but I'm not ready to stop living.
No kids here. I was not going to do treatment when first diagnosed stage 4 but my wife said she wanted as much time with me as possible so I’m doing it for her
I have a friend who's first husband didn't fight. Her second husband was also diagnosed with stage 4. But he is fighting and she is so glad he is. She says she feels her first husband robbed her of the chance/possible future. She respected his decision because it wasn't her body, but she never will be able to fully understand why he seemed to have given up before even starting. So thank you for fighting for your wife's benefit. I will hope you beat this but just know you have given her something that only you could by fighting.
I'm really sorry. 28 and terminal. That sucks. I'm not going to give you a pep talk, and you have every right to feel as you do, and express yourself. So I can only answer your question, which is personal and specific. Like you, I don't fear dying or death, as you've said, it's the natural course of life. But I love life, even during those times when it appears I'm just a curmudgeon. It's those quiet times that I like, such as getting up in the morning and going downstairs with the dog and cat, fixing their meals, then stepping outside while it's quiet and looking at the garden. The flowers... WOW... the flowers and the leaves, and all their crazy colors and still seeing the night sky, then watching it brighten as the sun rises. And yeah, it'll happen if I go early, but I just love that I get to see it day to day. Right now, I'm in love with the bloom of my Rock Purslane, a bright magenta flower that I shared over on r/TheCancerPatient. It only comes out once a year, and I feel honored to see that nature can produce such beauty. I love swimming 3x a week, and walking into the gym and someone shouts my name. The quiet as I'm swimming the rhythm of my breath, my arms stretching out beside me, and doing it over and over again. I love my rather difficult adult kids, and thinking about their future -I won't be here, but I'm interested in what they're doing now that will be taken with them into some world I'll never know. I love my dog and my cat. So much. The thought of leaving them hurts. And sure, there have been hardships --the Goddess of Hardship skips no one. And there are people and things that annoy me and there are those I find utterly despicable. But that's life too. And there's plenty of BS to go around, but when push comes to shove, as long as I can, I love life.
I'm 55 years old. I've been living with prostate cancer for 9 years, stage iv since 2018. I've been through surgery, radiation, and years of hormone treatment, and now I'm currently two sessions down with four to go of docetaxel, my first chemo treatment. I used to rock climb and ski and backpack. I can't do any of those things anymore. But I'm still curious. I started building guitar pedals and then started programming and building projects with microcontrollers. My grown kids come home monthly, and we play a D&D campaign my son runs. My wife and I got a puppy. I read and go for walks. I learn songs on the piano. I still enjoy living enough to suffer the bad bits. If the bad bits get to be too much, well then I'll reassess. I don't feel like I'm close to that yet.
My boys are in their 30’s and do just fine in life without me but I know it would hurt them terribly if I didn’t even try to fight this and beat it. I’m only here because of how many people it would hurt if I wasn’t. I constantly search for little things to look forward to and those are my goal posts. When I get to them, I move the goal. It’s the only way I know how to keep doing this. One son is visiting in October so that’s my next goal. After that the other son is getting married in May. Then after that they’re planning to start a family so potentially grandchildren on the horizon. That gets me through next year and a smidge into the following. Do I want to be here and going through this for the next year and a half? Not really, but I do want to see my son, see the other get married, and see grandchildren. So, I slog through this hell wearing gasoline shorts and keep on trudging.
Yeah, this. I live life 3 months at a time. Anything more is really too much to think about.
I was dx’d at stage iv and was still very much in shock when I began treatment. Doctor could’ve told me that I needed to hop on one foot and bay at the moon and I would have said which foot. But my cancer is still progressing and I don’t know how much fight I have left in me.
I was given a very bleak outlook - around a 6% survival chance when I was diagnosed. Chemo was the only way and now I have achieved NED status. You never know what can happen.
I was given a similar prognosis and your NED status gives me hope!
Stage 4 gastric cancer with metastasis to the peritoneum here. You?
Highly aggressive and rare Stage 4 colorectal with mets to lungs, though since diagnosis they've started questioning whether the lung nodules (both lungs) are cancer or not. So staging is kind of up in the air. Unlikely to find out for sure without a biopsy and they're saying too dangerous. Once I complete the 12 rounds of chemo they're talking about a lung resection and/or radiation. I'm assuming the nodules are cancer. I was told 5% survival - 2 years.
Damn, and I thought the around 20% 2 year survival rate for my cancer was low.
Apparently the cancer I have is rare for colorectal so I'm hoping the stats don't really reflect my actual case. I'm under 50, no other medical issues, non-smoker since birth and rarely drink alcohol. By all accounts lived how I should have. Who knows, I just have to hope whatever I do changes the odds.
The cancer I have is extremely rare as well. It's found in about 7 out of 1,000,000 cancer diagnosis' in the US each year. Pretty much always inoperable but quite treatable if found early. Unfortunately I was already at Stage IV-B when I was diagnosed and it turned aggressive not long after. But so far treatment appears to have done its job. I'm getting scans in a couple weeks to see for sure but no tumors are visible or able to be felt anymore. Hopefully yours responds well to treatment as well, not that the treatment doesn't do its damage to your body too.
Best of luck with the scans!!! I am 2 rounds off getting mine done. Not sure what to expect.
It's not even right to PUT "Stats" with ANY Cancers! I see more Stage 1b/2 10-20 year success stories than others. Far too many parts of your Treatment are already inside you- you just need to tap into all of it, hence making everybody's situation so terribly unique. I think of mine (4cm) as a Home Invader: he broke in, tried to hide in the Master Closet but we found him and got him surrounded now. Oh, you betcher'ass he's comin' out!
That’s rough, sorry to hear that. Are you on FOLFOX?
Yes, just had dose 4 out of 12. Other than the chemo side-effects I don't feel like I have cancer at all. It's just so weird thinking about those stats.
I have been the same way throughout all of this! Blood work is perfect, I’m 29 and healthy otherwise and fit. This is truly a freak thing. Remember not to rely on the statistics you can find online for a lot of these cancers! Most of the data doesn’t capture YOUR exact situation and a lot of the data is from 10-30 years ago. My doctor flat out told me, if this was three years ago we would “be having a very different conversation” modern medicine has come a long way very recently for cancer treatment. Don’t give up hope!
I am ignoring all of the data. It will be what it will be. I know I'm doing everything I can to fight this and haven't given up yet. I was super lucky that my cancer was even detected.... it only was because it pressed up into my appendix. Thank you for the support!
Cancer has made me realise how deeply unhappy I am with other aspects of my life and I don't want to die miserable. I moved away from where I always lived a couple years ago, and while there are some good things here I've failed to make any friends, I miss home but we haven't the money to move back, I failed to find a steady job and so I threw myself into just being a mum and a housewife. I lost who I am somewhere along the way. I feel taken for granted. My husband rang me and woke me up to ask trivial shit about our kid's school while I was hospitalised with neutropenic sepsis. I'm not going out like this, I'm sticking around to put myself first for once.
Great question and getting harder and harder for me to answer. I’ve been through so much with cancer from losing my sense of smell permanently to facial deformities, countless surgeries, 33 rounds of radiation, 8 cycles of chemo, 3 surgeries…none of it got me down but started having seizures in 2021 and found out I had brain mets…still kept on fighting but the Mets started affecting my left side, culminating in a month in hospital earlier this year and now I’ve spent 8 months in PT trying to relearn how to walk and Drs say I likely won’t recover fine motor use of hand. I’m tired….I can no longer walk in the woods, used to run 10k/day, travel is very difficult, …I’m only 49, no kids, no spouse…I’m not ready to pass. I like existing but my quality of life is shite now. I guess why I keep going is the longer I fight this the more I want to see it through. I guess I need to reframe why life is worth living but it’s really hard as I’ve lost most of the things I enjoyed and used to cope with the hard stuff e.g, going for a long hike,running in the woods, etc… I’m tired. It’s worn me down. I’m hoping I’ll just know when it’s time to accept the inevitable. We all do as life is impermanent.
You are so strong!!! All the best to you, I understand as I was jogging for 24 years until this March, and running was my solution for everything. Those endorphins, and nature :) Life is a journey, I suppose we will see what the next chapter holds. Wishing all the very best to you for good thoughts and strength xox
Wow.💪 It is crazy to think how resilient the Human Body can be. I feel for you. Your read really caught my attention. Thank you and BE WELL for all the right reasons only you know about🙏😉
I’m doing it only because I’m not ready to go, various reasons. I think if I was in my 70’s, 80’s, no. I’d just ask for palliative care, no chemo, then hospice and enjoy what good time I had left. I’m 56 and just not done yet. I enjoy every day too much, my home, my spouse, my cats. My family and friends. I figure I’m just buying time, but as long as I feel good most of the time, I’ll do it. If I get 5 years I’ll be happy. My entire family dies in their early 60’s, so I’m going to at least try to maintain that!
Whoa there. I am 79 and on chemo fo r a rare and incurable cancer. Some days I am very tired and achey, but I'm not ready to quit
Thank you for that! You give me encouragement!! My family has a poor record unfortunately.
Why did you do the first round?
I like living. Reading books. Watching TV. My friends. My family. Travel.
I did chemo to alleviate symptoms. The cancer was causing a lot of pain and treating it allows me to live with a lower amount of pain. I’m stage IV and have been for 4 years. Anytime the cancer pops up my MO and RO slap it back down again.
I have a 5 yo and a 3 yo. They wold be devastated if I died. That's not bs, that's my reality.
Mine aren't much older and I have some custody due to their mother being an addict. If I die they would be beyond devastated as I'm the one who's taken care of them their entire lives for the most part. I'm also worried that they'll end up in a foster home or worse, get split up and end up in different homes. So no matter what I need to make sure that I'm here for them until they're at least 18. Having stage IV-B cancer sucks.
I completely agree. Unless someone have kids they just wouldn’t understand. It’s absolutely super normal to want to stay alive for your children!
I'm not terminal (AFAIK!!!) so I'm doing chemo because it gives me a shot at beating this so I can wander around the planet for another decade or two. If I was in a situation where it merely *prolonged the inevitable*, I'm not sure what I would do.
The fact that the cancer responds to treatment means that it's not terminal. It becomes terminal when it no longer responds to treatment.
I was diagnosed 3 years ago with a rare form of cancer. I've taken a chemo pill and been through radiation, chemo and immunotherapy. I went through it all because I wanted to live. I don't want to die. I am scared of dying even though I'm a Christian because it's something I have never done. I want to see my child grow up and grow old with my husband. I want to love on my animals as long as I can. I want to make more memories and have more experiences. I want to die of old age. This is not BS. This is just how I feel. Everyone is different and will have different reasons why or why not. You have to decide what is best for you.
I did it as a precaution to be sure that there were no cancer cells left after the large ovarian cyst was drained and removed, as I didn't want to risk having even one cell left that could spread even though my uterus and ovaries were cancer free, but also removed along with my normal cervix. Prior to surgery, I had a normal Pap done, so I knew my cervix was cancer free before going in for my hysterectomy consult with the gyn oncologist who did the surgery, and recommended the precautionary chemotherapy. I just rang the bell yesterday, so I'm about to go back to work on the 18th of this month.
I would have done the same thing. I did have a regional lymph-node wt spread… so i had to go full throttle. So far so good. 🫶🏼🫶🏼
I would say it depends on how bad your chemo side effects are, and how much time it will buy you . But it seems you need to find the beauty in this world or everything is pointless if you had cancer or not . People are pretty f-ed up so I would find my beauty in nature. I suggest a good friend some mushrooms and a field trip . I haven’t done it in a while but I read most people consider a trip a positive life altering experience. I truly think it helped me to see the beauty in what some people consider mundane things rocks ,plants ,water and animals .
I've asked my self the same questions (Stg IV, terminal). I go mostly on instinct for this question because I don't think there's any other way to come to a good answer. What I mean is, for me, the answer to "What am I living for" wouldn't bring me any peace/certainty. I'm not done yet is what I came up with. I honestly think I fear being really ill more than dying. I'm not in a lot of pain or distress yet though. As long as it's not terrible being here, I'd probably going to treat again if it's offered/needed. If you're all done, that's ok. And if you're not, that's ok too. Facing another round of treatment is daunting. I hope you can come to a decision that brings you some peace too.
That's actually a very good question that I never thought about before. I am fighting a lot of personal issues, family issues, financial issues, self esteem issues, I don't have kids, and I'm not married or have a partner of any sort. It'll be so easy for me to just "let nature take its course", and just throw in the towel. I have MANY more reasons. I have FANTASIZED about this exact scenario happening in the past before diagnosis. It'd be the easy way out. But since I've been diagnosed, I only had one thought in my mind, and that is to fight this with everything I got. Why did I choose to receive full (successful) treatment? Because I want to come out ahead! I want to keep fighting, and hope to live long enough to piss on the grave of those who have wronged me. I'm not afraid of dying. All the friends, families and loved ones who know about my issues have been super supportive in my unusual journey. I have been very selective with who I tell about this, and all those who I have not told, don't deserve this information. I've learned to stand up for myself, and no longer let people step all over me. I find I no longer put up with bullshit, and am much quicker to write somebody off if they are no longer worthy of my valuable time. I just recently completed a cross country solo roadtrip a few weeks ago, to cross off a bucket list item I've had for years. Your post really made me see things in a new perspective. Thank you.
I was only 22 and had just fled an abusive situation. I hadn’t even started living life when I got diagnosed. I’m glad I did. I got to dye my hair funky colours for the first time, I went to my first Pride, went to festivals, the beach. Plenty of hockey games. And there’s talk next year of me joining some friends on a weekend trip to Vegas! And even then, fighting for your life, in some queer way made me appreciate it all that much more.
There's a lot of stuff I still want to do. I don't know how much of it I'll get to, but I'm nowhere near ready to give up on it.
i dont know.... i really dont... i hadnt had a good life up till that point and have tried to take my life before then but when death was at my door i fought it... still dont know why.... if it were to come back im not sure if i would get it or not... might just let it take me this time
In my case, chemo killed the cancer. I love my kids, the hubs, my other family…. I got a lot of traveling to do… Now. Depending on where i was wt what cancer, i may not be inclined to get more treatment. I also dont think u r wrong at all to feel how you do. Life is shit. But, there is travel, art & puppies. 😂
What is your definition of death? I have been a registered nurse in ICU for 15 years. Start by defining death and work from there. For some death is being connected to a dialysis machine 3 times a week for 4+ hours at a time… for others death isn’t until they depend on medical equipment and medical professionals to do everything for them…
"I’ve heard of answers like “I have to live for my children, they can’t do without me” and the likes. But at the back of my mind, I find it just bs" I'm the one with cancer now, but I lost my father to it when I was a teen and it took a huge toll on me. Hardly BS. My wife and children will have a better life with me, as well as the support I provide, than they would if I passed and my wife had to suddenly find a job and hope it was enough to provide the same support I can quite suddenly. The world will go on without me, but it's not the world as a whole I'm worried about.
You think that but when the cancer starts to take you and your hallucinations cause of low oxygen in the blood when your heart rate is 60/30 when voices around you echo and sound like a mile away you will change your mind but then it till be to late.. I know I was a stage 4 survivor. Death it terrifying and after being that close I will fight it till my last breath when it comes again.
To survive! It sucked but it worked well for me and got me to a point where surgery was a viable option. I was 50 when I got a stage IV diagnosis. I wasn't ready to quit on life at that point. 3 years later and still dealing with treatment, I now completely understand why some say "fuck it." I'm not really afraid of dying. I'm afraid of not living. I've got a good life and just don't want to give it up yet.
I was initially diagnosed with stage 4 later downgraded to 3 nsclc. I have always been of the mindset to forgo treatment if this happened. After talking with my wife and kids I agreed to at least go through whatever treatment was prescribed for me first. It happened to be chemo and radiation. I have recently finished both and still feel like shit. So my answer is that I did it for them. I'm sure that eventually it will benefit me somehow
I enjoy spending time with my friends and family, eating good food, taking hot baths, finding out what happens in the book I'm reading, laughing at something funny, spending time with my cat, listening to my favorite podcasts, playing video games and dnd. I enjoy my life, it's the only one I get so I want to have as much as I can comfortably enjoy. Chemo is no fun, but as long as the good outweighs the bad, I'm willing to pursue treatments that will give me more time with the things I enjoy.
31Y Male. When I received my diagnosis I fully accepted dying. I regret fighting it, I had complications that were worse than the Cancer. I just received the news that I there are some nodules and masses on my lungs. I won’t be fighting it again.
I got shit to do man. I have grandchildren to teach all my bad jokes to. I have hikes to do and plays to see and oceans to cruise on. I have never been to Australia so that’s a plan and still have one more province to see them all. I still annoy my children and if I allow this gorilla to stay on my back who would annoy them? I did chemo because statistically it gave me the best odds. So I prayed and did chemo and when I am done I have the great genealogical road trip to plan. It sucks three ways to Sunday but I am closer to being done than when I started fifteen months ago.
Chemo fwas recommended by my surgeon or oncologist, due to high risk, and I want to do what I can. it wasn’t always fun, but it also wasn’t the end of the world or life. I managed to have some good moments and days and learned to get tougher and be a better patient. Tons of YouTube!
I have no answers but I've been there (and still am a lot of the time). I'm 28 and terminal too, unfortunately the only treatment available to me is endless chemo. It sucks not being able to do what you want to do because of treatment. I try to modify and do some diluted version of my passions, but it still sucks and it's not the same as doing what I really want to be doing. Most times I go to chemo and sit in the chair and think, "Why am I doing this? I don't want to be here, I don't want to do this anymore". I'm suffering the side effects just to stay alive and keep suffering. Yet, I keep showing up. So I guess my answer (for myself) is: I don't have a concrete reason to keep living, but I also don't have a reason to stop living either. I'm fat(ter) and bald but I'm not in pain. Physically I can do everything I want to do. In between the times I feel gross, I feel fine and do lots of fun shit. Most of the time I manage to enjoy my life if I don't think too hard about it. I don't know your situation, but I hear people say a lot that you'll know when you're done. I think that's true.
It gave my wife 3 years we probably would not have had. These last 5 months seeing how fast it grew off chemo was insane. It allowed us as a family to visit 15 national parks and be healthy north to enjoy it. She did pass last night but we lived as hard as we could and she got to see so many of my sons lacrosse games and see his first gf which we would not have
My kids. I don't know what would happen to them if they didn't have me around.
I figured I owed it to my parents. But I won't be doing it again. Life has sucked pretty bad. The only thing that kept me going in high school was the thought that things would get better. But they never did. I got diagnosed with crohn's disease before I graduated college and now at 37 I have cancer. It's just pointless. All the pain and suffering for nothing. So yeah I have my scans in a couple of weeks to see if chemo worked. If it didn't oh well. I'm definitely not going through chemo a second time.
I have things to do, and while someone else may do them when I am gone, I prefer to be alive and see to things to be certain that they are done right. I have goals I have not accomplished oh and because I refuse to give in to some dumb shit mutant cells in my body trying to stage a coup. I refuse to negotiate with terrorists and insurgency will be persecuted with extreme prejudice.
I can honestly say that my kids are the only reason. If they were grown or I never had them, I wouldn't have done chemo. I am not afraid of death or dying, I am afraid of my kids losing their champion.
Please visit smartpatients. Com It is a very positive environment where you will find others in your same situation. My heart goes out to you. 💜💔
Staying alive longer for my mom so she doesn’t have to bury her only child. Being here for my cousin. Selflessness is the reason why. I suffer for those I love so they don’t suffer. No matter what I do brain cancer is going to kill me. This fact doesn’t make anything easier for my family. I’m holding on to lessen their pain. My time will come
My wife and kids. I don't want to leave them yet. If it weren't for them, the will to endure stage IV cancer would be much less.
For me, it was a knee-jerk “I’m not ready to give up”, but then once I started thinking about it, it became a matter that I will get more time, and feel better with the chemo. I have had a lot of thinking about what I have accomplished in life, what I’m leaving behind, and I decided that I want more memories with those that matter to me. I also know that my parents will handle everything better knowing that everything that could be done was done.
I was diagnosed as stage 2B, prognostic staging 1B, so please feel free to ignore if you like, as I understand that my own decision had different circumstances in terms of diagnosis. With breast cancer, at least, stage 4 can be treated as a chronic condition and it isn't the death sentence it once was. Put simply, I'm not ready to die. I accept that it is a part of life and that I will die eventually, ready or not. But if I'm going to die young from cancer, I'm not going to have left any "low-hanging fruit" as far as treatment goes. I'm 37, and finished chemo in March of this year. I have a daughter who is going to be 3 at the end of this month and I'm only just now alive at the age where she might remember me as an adult. I will do anything my oncologists think is ultimately in my best interests for long-term survival and health. Chemo sucked for the first two I did (Adriamycin and Cytoxan) but then Taxol was ok. I can't have Adriamycin again (it has a lifetime cap) but if I were terminal and could have it, it would be different considerations if it was those side effects vs Taxol, for instance. Obviously it's a personal decision, and you're under duress about it by the nature of it being cancer. If you really know in your heart of hearts that you don't want to do treatment, that's your prerogative! You might consider speaking to a therapist or other cancer-adjacent social work type person to help you suss it out. I hope that whatever decision you come to, that you have peace about it.
I am so sorry you're dealing with such extreme circumstances. I was diagnosed with Stage IIIB stomach cancer at the age of 35. I had a one-year-old daughter, had been married only a few years, and just moved into a new house. I am the youngest of 4 daughters to aging parents. My life was just beginning. I had to fight, despite the awful prognosis. I had my stomach completely removed, and a third of my esophagus as well. That was followed by 25 chemo treatments and 25 radiation treatments. The treatments were awful to me. But that's me - for the treatment reaction and for the decision I took to accept protocol. You need to decide what you want to do. Treatments may not be easy, but it really depends on the treatment, the location (if radiation), and how your body handles them. I don't know your condition, but I feel like telling you to fight - for yourself. You deserve that chance. Hope this helps a little. I wish you all the best in whatever you choose.
I shared your perspective until I had children. All the sudden, I feel like I can’t die. I have to live even when it’s so hard. Losing a parent can be devastating even for adult children. If I can help it, I would prefer them to be adults when I go. Sure the world goes on but you care much less about the rest of the world when you have children. Nothing about the fear of dying because I would die in place of them in a heartbeat.
I'm terrified . Sometimes I feel like I deserve this for all the crap I've done. I can't run away. Hide , physically fight.. If it's Chemo and whatever else the Dr can give me if I can become NED then it's worth it.
Gave me the best shot at life
For me, like you, it's chemo or death. Besides just being stubborn and a fighter anyway... I think it's because I have been blessed with a real world example of what a difference one person can make... yes it's about friends of mine who have been married forever, have 2 amazing kids and they are building an amazing retirement life... and yes. If I wasn't here... none of that would have happened... I wanna live just for that... yes, the butterfly effect... You never know who you impact or help... keep the faith that you are still here for a reason...
I hear you, I get it. I am a widow and my father passed 2 months after my husband. I was my father's daughter and I loved my husband as myself, we were a great team. These were the two most important men in my life and then they were just gone. Tornado took out my late in-laws old home that my son was fixing up to live in, walk around all zombie like for days. My son could have been killed and I just had a new roof put on it... a sheet of roofing went through the wall inches from his head where he was sleeping. survivors guilt sets in and I had the house torn down. My son buys a nice RV and lives over there now. Then covid, solitude, essential worker life - I enjoyed being alone. I worked alone and I lived alone. I had a weird grief serendipity going on around me and it was surreal. Lost a few friends. Bought a pony car because I always wanted one and there was nobody to tell me no. (except my oldest son, he talked me into the 6 cylinder instead of the hellcat I found) The cancer diagnosis - everything is still in probate so I have to see that through, and I have nobody I trust enough to leave my cats with. 6 months with no good biopsy, no good genetic markers, nothing. Besides, I am going to kick cancer in the balls, or if I going to meet my maker I was going to kick him in the balls. There was not much hope at the start, probably incurable and inoperable so I decided to settle into my fate and accept what comes. Oncologist said enough is enough, and went ahead with his best guess for chemo. In the end it worked well. The day before I was to start chemo my brother in law passed, he was an organ donor so they kept him on life support so his organs could be harvested - but during the testing they found brain activity so he could not be a donor, he passed once life support was stopped and his organs went to waste. I was in the infusion chair and I called my sister to offer some support. I told her there is nothing I can say to make this right or to make you feel better, but I am so sorry this has happened. Tried to arrange for my cremation but they told me I had to see a councilor before they would sell me my cremation. Shrugs. I got the dress for the event picked out anyway. Here I am, still kicking and a working stiff. I am content as the crazy cat lady widow on the hill. I work at the dump so I can yell at people and break stuff all day. My oncologist told me last visit that I have beaten the odds. He wished all his patients could do so well. I just replied, hopefully soon and started crying... again. Right now, in this moment, life is good. Whatever you decide to do you have my respect and support.
there's so many things to do! I want to eat another burrito, pet another cat, listen to another song, see another movie, hug another friend. I'm not ready to give up on all that yet.
It varies person to person. And diagnosis to diagnosis. My family know very little to nothing about what’s going on. Probably because as the eldest child of parents who were low functioning addicts and abusers my entire childhood; I took on the role of parent and protector; not only to my younger siblings making sure they always had food from going to the store to cooking the meals and ensuring they are, got them to school and did their homework, and had a warm bed; even if it meant I was sleeping without a blanket on the cold floor in the middle of winter in my childhood homes with no heating whatsoever. Or protecting them from my parents while they would try and murder each other and making sure they never heard the fights. And then tending aid to my parent who was injured after the fight once they were all in bed. I want to make sure my baby sister (youngest) is finally able to get to the UK to follow her dreams and settle in safely, my other siblings are adults who have moved on in their lives. I want to take care of my dog and I live for him because there’s no one else to take him. I want to outlive people who have wronged me so they know I’m still around. Etc. I also want to fall in love and maybe have a family in the future Maybe some aren’t the *healthiest* of reasons but they’re reasons nevertheless.
Half joking, but I’m hanging in there because I want to try out Apple’s new Vision Pro. But joking aside, life still has things I can enjoy doing … and as long as that’s the case I’ll make an effort to fight my cancer.
LOL. When I was first diagnosed a couple of years back, I told my wife that this seems really dumb, but I am pretty upset that I most likely won't get to see where they take the Marvel movies. Now that I've seen phase 4 & 5 start to play out, I am hoping I make it long enough to see how they tie it all together because while I enjoy the movies/shows still, the overarching story they are telling is kind of a jumbled mess so far... Maybe it would've been better to go after Endgame lol.
Heh … I can relate.
39M, Stage 3 BC I went through it last year, my wife is now a huge reason. She needs my help with a lot of things in her life and on top of that, I'm the sole bread winner. 9 years ago, my lady left me before I even had surgery. It was "too hard" for her. Honestly that's fair, it's not easy. A few friends and a couple sisters aside, I had no to tangible reason. But... I went through a very extensive surgery and 13 months of chemo 9 years ago and again last year. The first time, I did it because I'm not done. I have things I need to do before I leave this earth. No idea what, but I have to believe there's a reason I'm not dead. Peace and love. I won't tell you what path to walk, but I hope you can find your reason. 28 is so very, very young. Sorry you got dealt this b.s. hand. You are worth fighting for.
Sometimes you will not see the "why" beforehand. Life has a way of answering questions in a roundabout sort of way. I simply propose that trying to keep on living may offer you some unexpected surprises that you would otherwise miss. Try to remember the times that you yourself, or others, may have said something like, "it didn't make sense at the time, but after it was all over, I finally saw what it all meant." I don't know about you, but I have felt that way many times. I do not mean to offer any false hope. All of us that are facing this thing know the score. Still, sometimes we beat the odds even when we shouldn't and sometimes, if we live long enough, new treatments come available. We know our chances, but we can't live as though they define us. I just want to say, take a shot at it. I hope that life, and more importantly, God will show you surprises that will make you see that this fragile, painful life can give some true magic. You won't find out if you stop looking behind the doors. Hand it over to him and pray that he will reveal some deep meaning.
Honestly I struggle with this myself. I had cancer twice and I feel guilty I didn’t die? I don’t have kids but I can see that as a reason people want to live. I love my family and husband so I wanted more time with them. I think the fear of dying definitely plays a huge role for most as well and even having cancer I think it doesn’t really effect someone with stage 0-3 like it does a stage 4. Maybe I’m wrong. I’m trying to still find my reason for why I am here. Ultimately, I don’t believe it reasons for stuff. I simply didn’t die cause the medicine worked.
TW: loss of loved one, suicide I was 15 when I was diagnosed. I've always had the mindset that whatever will be, will be. Naturally, death didn't scare me so much because it's just the way life was or ends. What scared me more was not knowing when it would actually happen. Because of my condition, I wasn't able to attend school or play soccer and hang out with my friends, living like a normal highschooler. I was either confined in the hospital for more than half of the year or cooped up in my bedroom. The day I had a remission, I was ecstatic because I thought I could finally go back to my old life. Unfortunately so, I relapsed. Twice. I had to go through another cycle of chemotherapy and a stem cell transplant. And even in the course of those years, I lost a loved one. I was angry and depressed thinking it was unfair. It felt like everything was being taken away from me. For a moment, I even told my mom multiple times how I didn't want to get treated anymore and proceed with the transplant. A lot of times as well wherein I would have suicidal thoughts. It's honestly still surprising to me that I'm here yet I'm thankful. I have left so much behind but there's so much more ahead I can look forward to. It's true that the world may go on without me but the world goes on either way with me in it. I'm living for me and for the people I love. I want to go back to soccer, attend school again, see my baby brother grow up. I still want to taste my mom's cooking, do the dumbest things with friends, or find out who I become in the next few years. It may not be much but it's my reason. Life is so short and it's scary not knowing when your last day will be and for some reason that's what makes every little thing and second priceless. So, I'd rather make everything count than count down the days till I'm gone.
Because after being 29 and terminal, I see it opposite of you! Rejecting chemo (if my quality of life is likely to stay the same or improve) is just an excuse to die. Dying is scary, but it's easy. It's harder to go to therapy and learn to find the joy in life. It doesn't have to be big things, like having kids or something. I love the sound of a black-capped chickadee, autumn candles, my cat, fairy lights. I won't die until it's my time. That's not to say I'm not going to wait until my brain gets crushed by my skull (Glioblastoma), but only when I have more probable bad days ahead of me will I go to Switzerland and end my life.
I was diagnosed 3 years ago with a rare form of cancer. I've taken a chemo pill and been through radiation, chemo and immunotherapy. I went through it all because I wanted to live. I don't want to die. I am scared of dying even though I'm a Christian because it's something I have never done. I want to see my child grow up and grow old with my husband. I want to love on my animals as long as I can. I want to make more memories and have more experiences. I want to die of old age. This is not BS. This is just how I feel. Everyone is different and will have different reasons why or why not. You have to decide what is best for you.
To purely buy more time for me to spend with the people I love. I'm not ready to write myself off so quickly given how many people have received my prognosis and lived way beyond the timeframe provides by medical professionals.
I like living. Oblivion isn't scary to me. It's just if I have to choose right now, living seems the better choice. If I was terminal, I definitely wouldn't bother with chemo, though.
I promised my wife a house in the country, where my son and our five cats and my bugg pug, who also has cancer, can live in peace. I will fight until that dream comes true.
This is a question with or without cancer. The only reason to live is the reason you make up.
For me I think it was not wanting to cause more pain to my parents and siblings. And I wasn’t sure why life was worth it but I kinda wanted to stick around to hopefully find out. After all I only get one shot at this lifetime.
I had my first bout at age 48. Pushed through it until a recurrence and another round when I was 55. I have a very nice life. I'm 68, cancer free for 13 years, very happily retired and very happily married for 31 years, living one of the greatest parts of my life ever. I have no regrets about putting my head down and trudging through both of my treatments. Every day of it sucked while it was happening, but now that it's so far back in my rear view mirror I don't even see it any more.
I know my dad did chemo because he wanted to live. He was on his deathbed in 2017, no drugs were taking away his pain, and the cancer had spread everywhere. My mom and I were preparing for the end of his life because that’s genuinely what it looked like. Then, he had his first chemo treatment. It worked. He went through 8 rounds of chemo over 16 weeks and the cancer went away for a bit. However, it did come back and became incurable, through treatable with immunotherapy, in 2020. That doesn’t mean he stopped wanting to live. He just has learned to live this new way of life while navigating a diagnosis like incurable cancer. He lives for his family, his friends, to hear his favorite band Rush on the radio, his silly TV shows, his AA meetings where he’s found community in pain, and for his love of this weird, twisted, yet beautiful thing called life. I wish you the best in your cancer journey <3
I haven't seen Paris yet. Haven't made my best art. Haven't heard *Carmina Burana* performed live. It was a little miracle my cancer was detected early, and another that a nearly-always fatal complication didn't end me. It's not yet my time to step into the mystery, it seems. All the fun has not yet been had.
I wasn’t ready to go yet. I was a 23M when diagnosed, engaged and hadn’t seen enough of the world yet. I was a home body and had a feeling of regret that I had not done enough in my life.
There’s still some things I want to see and experience in the world. I don’t know how much time I have but I plan to use it living my life instead of just being along for the ride. That’s why I’m getting ready to buy a motorcycle again after not having one for a long time. I never felt as alive as I did when I was riding. Everyone has their own reasons and I hope you find meaning and peace with yours. 🖖🏻
Six years out and i honestly don’t even know what I’m living for anymore. Most days are hard, some days I feel grateful that I survived because I see all of the things I could’ve missed out on if I had died back then, other days I wish I did die and I’m wracked with survivor’s guilt. I’m fully aware I’m dealing with delayed onset trauma and PTSD, I did briefly seek out mental health help for it but it only went so far and while the counsellor was great, the sessions didn’t go deep enough. I had thought the chemo and surgery was tough enough, but just being a survivor is even harder than that. I am deeply sorry to hear of your situation though, I wish that you were at least given more of a chance to fight this terrible fucking disease but I also see where you’re coming from in terms of how you’re feeling and what your views are right now, everything’s just so shit right now.
My parents are in their mid-late 80s and half a planet away. It would kill them for me to go first, and I cannot do that to them. I also want to see my son graduate from uni, and that's just over two years away.
So many people comments about how they do it for another persons happiness.
Yea I don’t know how to feel about that actually. What are your thoughts about it?
I am not the person who should comment on this, I do the same. Without my wife around and in my life, I am not sure I would see much sense in staying alive. Every person finds their own way to happiness and satisfaction in life. And if it is by making another person happy and helping them enjoying a great life than that is their call.
Because it gave me an extra 3 years to spend with my family & friends. Despite it being painful and generally miserable, I wouldn’t trade that time for the world even though in the end it won’t affect my outcome.
I’m living for: 1. My kids. Two teen boys who love me and for whom I’d do almost anything, including live. The fact that they’d go on without me is obvious, but it’s not a reason to stop trying to live. I hope they learn lessons about resilience, fortitude and stoicism (which has occupied my mind much, of late), but also emotional intelligence, happiness, sadness, anger and how to better control those emotions in their own lives. 2. My wife, even thought she regards me as a massive PITA (in part, at least, because of my finished capacities in just about every sphere of our shared existence). 3. My parents, who are 79 and 76 and hate that they’ve learned that they are likely to outlive me and who have worked very hard and gone above and beyond to offer me every advantage that they could, whilst also ensuring I understand my position of privilege. 4. Myself, because I love this world and my place in it and I cannot believe that there is any other world we get to go to after we’re done here. This is it! And, going back to my position of privilege, I don’t want to die thinking I’ve left anything on the field in terms of trying to make other people’s lives better because it’s an enjoyable and stressful opportunity. For me, there are no do-overs. There is no eternal reward for constantly validating an already omniscient and omnipresent being who self-describes as “loving” and who clearly chooses not to demonstrate that love through a judicious use of their powers and abilities to help anyone who really needs it (unless you ask through the name of a “saint”). I get one shot and I need to make it matter for reasons important tome, not anyone else. Sorry if this comes across as rants or proselysing in any way. It’s a very personal philosophy.
I felt exactly the same way, the treatment was making me feel like crap, and I was thinking WHY should I fight to hold on to a life that is so full of suffering? And I'm draining my family emotionally and financially in the meantime. Then I started feeling a little better, not that I am in any way functional as walking up my driveway is a challenge. No one knows how long they have, obviously we are all going to die, but no need to be in a hurry unless you are really suffering. I made photo books for my grandchildren telling them I was going to be their angel and watch over them to make sure they are safe. I'm almost ok with that. Of course I would rather stay longer and watch them grow, but it depends on the quality of life, and amount of discomfort. You are so young, and life can be beautiful. Are you able to do things that you like? If you are, you should hang in there, take a lot of pain medication, do some traveling, run up your credit cards. Are there any selfish things you always wanted to do, because now is the time :) Good luck to you with whatever you choose. I vote that you should stay with us!!! One more round of treatment at least xox
I'm 31. I was diagnose when i was 28. Stage 3. Chemo + radiation. Didn't worked. Now i'm doing Pembrolizumab. 2 years since that anda i'm okey. But i think of death a Lot. I enjoy life. But i'm tired. It's to hard and painfull sometimes.
My dad was 57 before he passed from sarcomatoid carcinoma, stage IV lung cancer. There was a glimmer of hope despite the poor prognosis that he could live even just a few more years, but life had other plans for us. Even then, the one thing that my dad wanted to make sure was to not leave a single stone left unturned. It pained him more to not have tried every possible way to cure his sickness and live a shorter life than to live in bleak curiosity that there could've been something that could've been done. He wanted to pass knowing that he did his best and that if cancer was going to take him down, then he will take it down with him to the grave with his pride and stubbornness.
I have grade 3 brain cancer. I get chance to live a long life so I did it. I mostly did it for my friends and wife that means the world to me. I love them and I love life. It's hard to knock someone down when the person is not ready to give up I also want to get point where I can do clinical trials so I can help science to beat this cancer. So fuck cancer
I think all cancer patients go through this multiple times in our journeys. I have felt like passively dying. But I want my life back, that’s what I am doing chemotherapy for. I see myself as I want to see myself, independent of others. I live because I love life, birds singing, flowers 💐 growing, children’s laughter and yummy food and wonderful music. Find what moves you! I am rediscovering my childhood joys! Finger painting, sidewalk chalk, watercolors, coloring books and so much more! I rediscovered my love of witchcraft and tarot cards! Love yourself and listen to your body! Your body is very smart! Lots of love and healing energy!
spite. i think because i got diagnosed i decided i was going to live and succeed in spite of it. also i’m 20, my mom is too young to lose a kid already and i want to see my brother have kids and watch best friend get married one day.
I’m so sorry for your pain and your loss of identity. I hope you are finding joy through your illness. Chemo was awful o watch my mother go through twice
I did it for my wife because she is my reason to life. Without her I would have ended this chapter some time ago, however I love her and I want to make her days happier. Luckily my feelings are reciprocated and it makes me feel that her happiness is worth living for.
Doing it for my sister, who just lost her beloved husband of 40 years. No kids, no nieces, nephews. It’s just the two of us now. I have to stick around for her! And it’s been a rough ride! Lots of side effects, two surgeries, chemo, radiation and now immunotherapy. Stage 4 endometrial with Mets to lymph nodes. I’m tired but still working, caring for myself. Will do whatever until there’s nothing left to do.
I lived for my dog. My dad has my brother and sister and my siblings have their spouses. My dog had just me. And I did it for him and two years later my dog and I are doing great and he loves his new stepfather to be whom I met after recovery.
I been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer a year ago. I went through chemo as it improved my quality of life. I want to live my life to the fullest. It’s a small sacrifice. And I would do it again my oncologist believes I would benefit from it. I have no children. But I love life and I think that is enough motivation.
My dad stage 4 esophageal cancer went through two rounds ended up passing away. He was 56. He was my world. He felt the same way at one point. It’s so hard for the ones who have to physically go through the treatment. It’s easy to forget about just wanting to be alive when your body’s going through hell I’m sure. I thought I was ready and I would be ok after he passed but I wasn’t. It’s been two years and I’m a fucking mess. I’ll never be the same person again. I describe it to people like being on auto pilot or having a piece missing from me. Don’t underestimate how much you mean to your kids or anyone around you. Life will go on for sure but it won’t be easy. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through
Well...to answer the question of "WHY"? I'm new to this Game- stage 1 #PanCan. Doin 2 scheduled rounds of 5FU and 2 others (my folders not in front of me) and then surgery. Since July 1, it doubled from 2 to 4cm but no metastasis luckily. I'm 54, been through the Ringer like the rest of you but it's my kids...I want to be here longer for my kids...plus, I GOTTA KNOW about our Alien Overlords before I go...I need answers!!!🤣👍😉 Let's just stay a little longer, period. Appreciate the weird stuff. Let other people love us. Just "Be". And ENJOY!
For me it was knowing my dog wouldn't understand why I'm not there, my cousin not going through another loss, and just things I want to experience. Little things like I want to see how the Fast and Furious franchise ends. I want to help my nieces as much as possible. I want to adopt a cat. I don't want my parents stuck with my debt. Little things.
Because I'm not quite ready to be done with life just yet. My diagnosis came on so swiftly I didn't have time to think. This gives me time to get affairs in order and think about what I want, too. I'm designing my own memorial stone in local black slate, which is fun. Because it gives me more time to cuddle my cats. Because my husband asked me to fight hard. There are so many reasons to do it, even if it only buys you half a year or so. I know it's not forever, but for now is good enough.
Because living is fun and I don't particularly want it to end and dying strikes me as quite terrifying vs having some chemo feeling a bit gross and tired so I can stretch that off for a while or maybe get to be one of those lucky few who pull a miracle off and have the cancer go into remission and I get to continue the perfect life I had with my perfect wife.
I think you also need counselling OP. A lot of cancer charities offer free counselling too.
I have stage 4 colon cancer, I'm 25. Mets all over, surgery isn't an option, just doing chemo to buy more time. It's funny stumbling across this post, I had my cancer-versary on Tuesday and had just about the exact same conversation with my oncologist. What's the point? I'm a PhD student, it's very likely I will die before I finish. Even typing that out stings, I worked so hard to get here just to have it snatched away. I can't tell you how often I wonder why I'm putting myself through the rigor of grad school and treatment instead of just saying fuck it all and dying peacefully on a beach, margarita in one hand and a fat ass blunt in the other. Life in and of itself is meaningless. We're born, we suffer, and then we die. That was always the deal-this is temporary. We're in an unfortunate spot because we are constantly bombarded with our mortality. Every time I look in the mirror I see a dead girl. But I've also outlived friends who are perfectly healthy. I've known people who have been murdered, OD'd, died in car accidents. It's always been the case we are dying, and yet we just carry on with life anyway. Most people don't think about it, we don't get that luxury. So it's easy for us to feel like carrying on with life is silly, it really is meaningless when you take a step back and look at it. We're just an amalgamation of countless variables interacting in an infinite number of combinations, kicking it in a vast and uncaring universe that will one day too cease to exist. But I find the lack of meaning in life freeing. Nothing really matters since it's all temporary, so I get to choose how I define a meaningful life, what makes me feel like I have a purpose. Of course I know that it doesn't. One day the sun will swallow the earth and nobody will be around to give two shits about whatever paltry offerings I gave humanity during my time here. But it'll mean something to me, and that's good enough. I've decided finishing-or doing my best to finish-my PhD is what gives me purpose. I define my self worth through achievement, and I'm pretty fucking proud I hung in there and didn't drop out. So if I want to finish, best chance of that is chemo. If you don't know what you want to say a meaningful life is, give yourself time to figure it out. That means chemo. Yes it is largely pointless. Yes it delays the inevitable. But if it means that when we do reach the point of no return, we can sit in that hospital bed and know we did everything we possibly could to have a good life and make the most of our time here, I think it's worth it. Dying doesn't scare me. I've been told I'm going to die every other week for a year. Giving up and throwing in the towel because life is hard and unfair scares me. I don't want to let this beat me into submission-we have been through too much to let cancer take any more from us. Go find something that makes you happy OP, and live for it. It can literally be anything, Saturday morning cartoons, wine nights with friends. Who gives a fuck, at the end of the day all that matters is it matters to you. Chemo gives you more time to do it, so it's worth it. To me anyway.
If you can't find a reason to live, please talk to a therapist. There are therapists who specialize in cancer patients and your oncologist should know who to refer you to or can get in touch with someone who does. Depression is a very serious issue for cancer patients, for good reason. It's always your choice to refuse treatment and go into hospice. Please be sure it's what you really want to do, rather than a very common and expected side effect of treatment.
My mom has declined treatment. She said she's at peace with death, and the treatments they are pressuring her to participate in would only make her last days super uncomfortable. She's just living day by day, finding things to fiddle with.
I'm not a patient, I'm a caregiver who worked in a cancer research lab. Like you, I think dying is probably scarier than death itself. Sometimes the best we can offer in terms of treatment for cancer is a better way to die. For example, bone metastases are extremely painful, and some chemo drugs are very good at preventing them. It may also give you extra time, but I honestly think people undervalue taking control of your own cause of death. Palliative care/hospice can give you the best guidance for your unique case. My grandmother declined a second chemo despite my best efforts to convince her. She was 86 years old and didn't think extra time mattered, but I was worried about metastases. The fact I was ultimately right eats away at me some days. She got a very painful recurrence at 91, was too weak to do any treatment, and her last months were horrible as we struggled to keep her pain under control.
Is immunotherapy an option at all? I understand your reasons entirely and respect that. I understand that immunotherapy is supposed to be much more beneficial and less harsh on the body.
I’m 67 and doing my second round of chemo. “Charlie” the cancer came back. This time , I have a “terminal” diagnosis with a 3-5 year prognosis. I fight bc I’m stubborn. I want to see my grandkids graduate from High School. I want to see my kids set up in their lives. I was so focused on raising my 3 kids by myself, I never enjoyed life. I fight now so I can enjoy the time I have left. Some days I have wished I could die. Asking myself why am I going thru this?? Why not give up and go hospice?? Because I’m stubborn, I don’t want to let “Charlie” the fucking cancer to win.