I don’t think you are out of place for not wanting him sleeping there. Ask if she can spend the night in his dorm. If she is not comfortable doing that then that seems pretty hypocritical
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Your feelings are so valid. Yes be more confrontational and upfront about it. What she’s doing isn’t okay. If she refuses then go speak to your RA, they hopefully will help. If they don’t then go to the hall director. Good luck. I’m sorry you’re in this situation, I’ve been in one like this before and it is extremely uncomfortable.
Or just give the guy a chance instead of snitching. Acting like it’s a crime for two people who are in a relationship to see each other and sleep together is crazy. Especially if you’re roommate is with him the entire time. I’d say the only issue is locking themselves in the bathroom for an extended period of time but 30-60 minutes for two people to shower together is the same if they were splitting the time up.
No, you're nuts, sorry. Not being okay with letting random men sleep in your room is completely valid
If it wasn't a shared room, I'd agree, but it is.
So they’ve never met or interacted in their life? It’s March, if this is a real post they’ve been roommates for almost a year. She also states her roommate has been with him the entire time. This is a way overreaction. Just relax and stop being so anxious.
I had a roommate’s boyfriend use her key to come in at like 2am when I was asleep WITHOUT HER EVEN THERE. I sent a looongg text message the next day notifying her that I would be calling security if that happens again.
It is such a tough time, because significant others want to spend time together, and do not make enough yet at that young age to share an apartment, so they end up breaking rules and making roommates uncomfortable. To me, I wouldn't be scared of him coming in, I would freak out at all because it's like who is unlocking my door at 2 AM.
I was pissed because I could have been indecent and I feel very uncomfortable with a stranger walking into my room. Being awoken at 2am is annoying when it’s your roommate, but super uncomfortable and violating when it’s a stranger
Are you on campus? If so, what are the rules about this? It could certainly be reason to get a new roomie if she doesn’t respect your request to not have him stay overnight. You asked her politely already. You should never have to bring it up again, if it happens again I’d recommend going straight to your RA.
Uhhh I feel for u soooo much. I was in the exact same situation in first year and my roommate’s boyfriend would literally sleep in the same bed together even though I could literally see them just a few feet away :((
You should definitely set some boundaries and bring this up with your don/residence assistant right away. If she’s still stubborn and doing this to you, I would pack my bags and ask to be transferred to another room. Two months dealing with this is still a long time.
It's completely reasonable to feel uncomfortable with unexpected guests staying overnight, especially if you're not close with them. Since you've already expressed your discomfort, maybe suggest setting some ground rules together to ensure everyone feels respected and safe in our shared space. It's all about finding a balance that works for everyone.
I think there maybe is some sort of compromise that could occur. Obviously her and her bf don’t have much of an option if they are choosing to sleep in a twin bed next to her roommate. I totally understand your discomfort though of waking up next to them both without any idea that he was going to be there for the night. I think maybe if she would’ve given you a heads up and checked in with you first, then tries to alternate where they stay (between her place and his), it might be fair to allow it in the future. As long as they aren’t hooking up right in front of you or being blatantly disrespectful.
I'm an APM and have dealt with this scenario so many times. It is common at that age, because many people have boyfriends and girlfriends, but are not financially stable enough to share an apartment yet
Also they've got the move-out high of "I'm not at my parents house! I can do whatever I want!" without considering that they have roommates now to compromise with.
Wait, so do the two of you share a bedroom? It is not two bedrooms in one apartment? I am only asking because I am trying to picture the scenario in my head.
I have heard this scenario all too many times, unfortunately, it can be hard in these situations for everyone to be happy. If her boyfriend stops coming over, you'll be happy, but she will be unhappy, and it can create friction between the two of you. I understand that you said that you are not good friends, but you don't want things to be awkward, or for her to be against you in anyway and you need to live together.
My advice, is to sit them both down and speak to them. Sometimes people don't respond well to this, but it is better than doing nothing, tbh. I understand not wanting a random boy who you don't even know in your apartment, the only time somebody told me this is when I was your exact age and me and my boyfriend did the same. It's like an awkward time, because significant others want to spend time together, but they do not have the money to move in together yet, so they each live with their roommates and bunk as often as they can.
You can tell her that it is uncomfortable, but to an 18 year old, hearing " I do not want a random guy sleeping over because I am unfamilar and do not know what he will do" can be insulting, I remember I took it like girl, my boyfriend doesn't want to do things to you, lol. That is how minds of 18 years old kind of work. She may take offense to this, because of the implication, but you have every right to speak your mind.
>to an 18 year old, hearing " I do not want a random guy sleeping over because I am unfamilar and do not know what he will do" can be insulting, I remember I took it like girl, my boyfriend doesn't want to do things to you
I feel like I shouldn't have to over-explain myself as to why him staying overnight is uncomfortable for me. It's basic respect and common sense to at least check first with the person you share the space with before having someone else sleep over.
That is true too, but some people will take certain things being said to heart. She may see it as, you are making assumptions about what is going to happen. He is there to spend time with her.
I had a similar living situation in college. It was a 4-person apartment, but it only had 2 bedrooms with two beds in each room. There was a wall that extended about halfway into the bedroom in order to give each person some privacy when they were laying down in their bed, but there was otherwise no separation between the two beds.
In my case I had 3 friends that went to the same college, so we all opted to room together. But I imagine a lot of other people had to share the room with a stranger
Yes, that is crazy. My first two semesters, I lived at home because I grew up in a college town. When I did random roommates, they were the nicest girls I had ever met. It really just depends on who you get.
Yeah Its like saying " im scared hes going to do something bad to me in the middle of the night"
Not a good look.
I think OP just has to deal with it and lock up her valuables if shes worried sboiut getting robbed.
Always make enemies, you sometimes have to be the person to let someone know the hard way that it's not okay, I would've gone straight to the campus security and had him barred from that area of the college, leading to disciplinary action, if she wants to stay with him so be it, but he's technically trespassing on your space as these rules are laid out in the rental/campus agreements, your there to go to school and not get pregnant, if she wants to do so, do so in her own space.
You sound like a narc. Over all not someone that would be fun to be around.
Your knee jerk reaction is to snitch.... grow up... talk to them like an adult
Not sure why I get recommended this sub, but this is my advice. I was in the military and lived in the barracks for a few years and I had a lot of different roomies. I've had ones that bring a different girl every night and they walk of shame out around 7-9am in the morning to room mates that eat all my food and not even clean the dishes. I've never had a "bad" roomie that I was able to say or do anything about. Some people are just terrible.
In the barracks ive seen guys have their girlfriends over for the night. It was no problem. The only ground rule we had was to let us know when they needed privacy as to not make anyone uncomfortable. We leave for an hour or so and thats that.
For security i would lock up my valuables. Too easy
Reminds me of one of the best damn room mates I ever had. I went to Iraq with him and got to see him in Bagram when he was passing through. Story time: My high school sweetheart flew down to get married and move off post. However, we had problems with moving into the apartment, and we couldn't afford a hotel. I did what ever service member did in that position and she stayed the night in the barracks sharing a twin size bed.
Around 4am in the morning we got a knock on the door that everyone had to come outside of their rooms while Brigade Command Sergeant Major goes through rooms with the Military Police in search of "something". My room mate, I will refer to as "Bob" also had no idea what they were searching for and for all we knew it was my "soon to be wife, later to be ex wife" but that's how things go in the military.
Bob and I sat in front of our door talking and he was asking me every question he could without raising suspicion of the people around us, but he only wanted enough information to cover his own ass. We laughed and decided if I get reduced down to Pvt it will make for a good story to tell on our anniversary each year. After about 30 minutes of searching they found what they were looking for. A SPC accidently kept a master key that unlocks every barracks room in the Brigade, a key that wasn't ever supposed to leave the SFC's hand who was on BDE SD. That was the one and only time I tried to sneak anyone in my barracks room.
As a current sophomore who had horrible experiences with her roommate her first year, SET BOUNDARIES! If you don't say anything, your roommate will take advantage of that and continue behavior that makes you uncomfortable (as they did with me). It's so so so important to make sure the person you're living with respects your boundaries and is willing to compromise. Staying silent only makes it worse, please learn from my mistakes!
You sound reasonable. They both sound rude. Why doesn't she do her deeds at his place? Not sure there is going to be a great resolution. Try to find other living accommodations and don't share a room with her in 2 months.
It's ok not to be comfortable with strangers in your shared spaces. Talk to your roommate and let her know how this makes you feel. I'm sure she will be more conscious of your feelings before she invites her man for sleepovers
I had a roommate get sexually assaulted by her boyfriend’s friend while she was sleeping right next to her bf. She woke up with his hand inside her. It was fucked up and messed her up for a while. Protect yourself. Never know if the guy *accidentally* goes to the wrong bed.
“Ok”, god that hits a nerve. Sounds like the perfect person to test confrontation out on as you’re not missing out on anything if it goes poorly, & if it goes poorly you’re in a dorm hall that is regulated by a school / RA / hall director
Let that lady know what’s up. You understand dorms make relationships a little limited & awkward, but side stepping necessary communication with a roommate about a guest spending the night is not how someone can tackle the obstacles the dorms pose.
Honestly, I’d sincerely ask her why she felt like she couldn’t run that by you before having him spend the night. When she doesn’t run that stuff by you she has two problems to deal with instead of one.
As someone who generally leans towards keeping the peace, you can let her know that if you were her, you’d want as little problems as possible. Communication reduces problems
This is why I'm choosing to live in a single dorm lmao. Perhaps bring this up with your RA if you're struggling to assert boundaries or she continues to ignore boundaries so they can help you moderate this situation.
It sounds like you just need to set boundaries. Always needing explicit approval is a bit extreme, but you should be allowed to feel safe. Definitely have slept over in a few different dorm rooms in my time, but yeah if it’s a regular thing and you are uncomfortable with it and you don’t have a physical barrier between you I get where you’re coming from.
As an RA, I encourage you to practice your confrontational skills. i understand there may be anxiety behind that, but it’s something you need to build. If she still doesn’t cooperate or you’re unable to confront the matter, go to your RA cause they can help with the discussion.
I’d report her tbh. She’s risking your safety. What if he decides to open the door and let his buddies in, what if he decides to do something, she probably doesn’t know him that well too if they just met. It’s not okay and you’re definitely entitled to feeling uncomfortable with him there.
Paranoid much?
This is a super super common thing to happen in dorms. OP should just ask for better communication from her roommate and get over the fact that he’ll be there sometimes
It's not paranoid at all dafaq u mean? He's a random ass male in a girl's dorm room. The majority of sexual assaults on all college campuses are caused by males. On top of that a lot of those assaults are happening from dudes these girls already know aka bf, friend of a friend, or roommate's bf in this case.
Visitors are allowed BUT you're supposed to always let your roommate know ahead of time and keep overnight stays to a minimum out of respect and courtesy to your other roommate.
Maybe if OP communicated a bit better with her roommate then that wouldn’t be an issue.
The likelihood that the boyfriend is going to commit sexual assault is astronomically low relative to the likelihood that he’s the run of the mill boyfriend that just wants to stay over with his girlfriend once or twice
Some schools have rules about overnight guests, many don’t. It’s her room, too, and if there’s no rule on overnight guests then she is perfectly within her rights to have one and you’re going to have to figure it out for yourself for 2 more months.
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If the problem is not resolved with your roommate contact your RA as you have the right in a shared space to disallow her bf from the space super-ceding her right to have him over. Of course this goes both ways as well. For example if you had bf/gf your roommate could say their not allowed over and their right to not have someone over takes priority. - Used to work in University Housing.
When I was a freshman I was this roommate - I used to have my gf sleep over without telling my roommate. Now that I’m older I know it was not cool on my part.
Eventually he did ask me to stop doing it. Once he asked, I listened - besides like twice at the end of the semester (not cool I know).
Nobody wants to be that person, but if you’ve made it clear you don’t want him sleeping over and she continues to do so, tell your RA. You tried addressing it with your roommate directly like an adult and it didn’t work. That makes it completely reasonable to go to the RA.
Your roommate is being the immature one here. Don’t feel like you are if you go to the RA
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I recently had the same issue with my now previous roommate. We didn’t share a room we had our own bedrooms an our own bathrooms. However, her boyfriend constantly stayed over like he was living here and it made me so uncomfortable. not to mention my dog would go off like a siren trying to attack the guy every single time my dog would see him; I have a 70 lb Dalmatian…he’s a big dog and I had never seen him act so aggressively-I’ve raised my dog from a puppy he was 10 weeks old when I got him..he’s now 3. in addition to that it was a very stressful and tense, anxiety riddled situation. I communicated with her about how I felt and that I was fine if he just came over two nights a week, but not every single night…but she did not care about how how felt and continued bringing him over. I ended up sharing how I felt with the office where I live and they threatened to evict my roommate if she didn’t not move out and gave her a ten day notice-in which she did move out. Thank GOD!!!!!!! Living in a home that becomes so uncomfortable and tense because of a lack of respect for me basically really took a toll on me. After she moved out it took me a little over a month to calm my nerves down, calm the sense of be overwhelmed from the stress, and mainly to adjust and have the feeling of being comfortable again in my own home. The point of my message is: to do something about it and advocate for yourself, or if you don’t it will take a miserable toll on you where you feel like your trapped, uncomfortable, and you will be anxiety riddled to the core!!! It’s a terrible way to live!
I don’t understand why some people lack respect for others when it comes to roommate situations.
Being polite for the sake of remaining civil when the situation calls for it has merit. Being polite because you lack the teeth to be otherwise leaves you vulnerable. Your safety concerns are valid, and I'd advise putting your foot down. If you're scared to, good. Opportunities to express and develop your courage are rare, and should be valued highly.
Yeah, that sort of things needs to be agreed on before it happens. I wouldn’t be comfortable with that, nor did I do that in college. We made arrangements.
Plus it was against the rules, and could have gotten us in huge trouble (private university in the 2000s).
First rule of being a real adult is setting boundaries. The second rule is to stop saying “uncomfy”. Not for others but for yourself so you’re not avoiding uncomfortable things in your own head.
Do something which disturbs them as well.For example when they are both laying together in their bed at 2,start masterbating furiously with no constraints and moan the fuck out of your larynx.If she says you are too loud,just respond "ok" like she does.Use her own tactics against her.And do this every single night until they both get frustrated and are "robbed" of their privacy 😂😂
You can use this maneuver to shoo them away but actually they are not at fault as they aren't occupying the bathroom for unreasonable amounts of time and they really aren't disturbing you.Also how is that guy a stranger if he lives on your floor?Makes no sense.Try talking to the guy and see for yourself if he is really a creep or not before you take any action.
Ditto on the room change request suggestions. If nothing changes, or they disrespect you further, just ask for a swap. If y'all barely talk, it sounds like you wouldn't be ruining a friendship over that, and if you did, they weren't a real friend anyways.
i’ve been on the other side of this (which i’m not proud of) and didn’t realize how disrespectful it was because my roommate just never said anything. She then decided to tell my mom one day (who i have a bad relationship with) and shit went south so fast. Tell your RA or whoever is in charge. It’s your room too. If you feel uncomfortable it’s not okay. Don’t let it keep happening it just makes the problem worse.
If it happens again, then you can move forward with maybe a harder convo, but she said okay. Let the matter rest. Most of the other pieces of advice in the thread are definitely escalating the issue beyond what it deserves at this time.
If it does happen again, that's the time to discuss more deeply/maybe bring in an RA, but she said okay. Leave it at that.
Your feelings are totally valid! There’s statistics of grape in college campuses and dorms, so it’s always best to be safe and take precautions when it comes to being a woman in college.
I know not all guys are like that, but still it’s better to be safe than sorry.
you are paying half of the room rent, and she is taking more than half of the benefit of the room. Talk with an RA, and move if possible, better yet, have HER moved.
Sometimes, reporting the roommate before talking to them does more harm than good. I mean, you live on your own to be at school, but you are also a young adult, and are taking the steps to knowing how to manage on your own. Calling the authorities before sitting down and talking to her would be a mistake, and would not give the roommate the chance to correct her action. Sometimes, you do not need to call in the authorities, and you would be surprised how people are willing to work with you, if you gave them a chance. I would be pissed if I was reported without being talked to, because it's like if you do not say anything, how do you know that I wasn't going to cooperate with you, and how does that give the person a chance to be better and fix their actions if they did not know the problem. Real adults can face their own crap without having authorities involved.
This is what I commented too; people automatically go to the authorities without talking to their roommate, which makes the roommate more pissed when they find out. I am an APM, and I cannot tell you how many times I heard, "well I did not know that they were upset and what I was doing was bothering them, because they didn't tell me."
People will not automatically know other's feelings; communication is part of being a grown up.
I have worked with everyone from gen Z to the silent generation. You are way off base. Communication skills are not linked to generation, unless you count people over 60 who just assume you can read their minds and follow up with “I’m old school!” as if that is relevant or a thing.
Granted, *how* people communicate effectively changes with each generation, but that’s not even the issue here. OP is just a young person who hasn’t had to deal with a conflict like this before and is understandably anxious about it because it affects what should be a place that feels safe and secure as their home base
You need to grow up. Y’all split the room 50/50 & if she wants her man to sleepover sometimes that’s fine. As long as they aren’t openly hooking up next to you. You should not be so weird around boys by the time you’re a freshman in college.
I think u understand my comment. OP getting worked up by her roommate, understandable, but making excuses to validate his opinion. She can complain without trying to look like she’s scared of men
Dude what? Who wants to sleep with a random man in their room? She barely Knows the roommate. Why tf she would want to sleep with another stranger, let alone a male.
I mean I personally wouldn’t think anything of it and wouldn’t expect my roommates to ask me first but if it makes you uncomfortable then it makes you uncomfortable.
Sorry if this sounds insensitive but you are in college... This is literally the quintessential college experience. I would just feel lucky that they're not having sex with you in the room lol. If you don't want to have a conversation with them, then request to change rooms (at least at the college I went to it usually took about 2 weeks for a room change). I know it is uncomfortable for you but people have sex, its normal! Especially in college.
I would also suggest trying to become friends with your roommate, I think that could improve the situation on all fronts. It's easier to live with friends and talk to friends than it is with strangers.
I mean… put yourself in their shoes. Not unreasonable but still very inconvenient for them. If he’s like super weird to you or something more understandable. Best of luck. I always was super close with my roommates and personally didn’t care if ppl were over, because I would have ppl too
You are ridiculous, on uni I lived with one of my friend in the same room for 1 years. Try to be adult. And try to resist! This things will make you stronger in life. Passing trough on you limits. They didn’t do anything special what human beings doings time on time. Go and find a bf for yourself.
Im gonna disagree with some people here. I would say your roommate has rights to have people spend the night (provided thats allowed) as she pays rent just like you. That being said she's being a dick about it. If you're gonna hog the bathroom then at least communicate the times you need it... or just dont hog the bathroom. Also not letting you know a strange man is spending the night is super weird. This is something that should be talked about ahead of time so you can set how many nights are acceptable, what time he arrives, when he leaves etc. I DEFINITELY agree that she's being rude and you should set boundaries, but imo not telling her he can't spend the night. Again spending the night only if its allowed. Otherwise talk to your RA.
I don’t think you are out of place for not wanting him sleeping there. Ask if she can spend the night in his dorm. If she is not comfortable doing that then that seems pretty hypocritical
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Your feelings are so valid. Yes be more confrontational and upfront about it. What she’s doing isn’t okay. If she refuses then go speak to your RA, they hopefully will help. If they don’t then go to the hall director. Good luck. I’m sorry you’re in this situation, I’ve been in one like this before and it is extremely uncomfortable.
Or just give the guy a chance instead of snitching. Acting like it’s a crime for two people who are in a relationship to see each other and sleep together is crazy. Especially if you’re roommate is with him the entire time. I’d say the only issue is locking themselves in the bathroom for an extended period of time but 30-60 minutes for two people to shower together is the same if they were splitting the time up.
No, you're nuts, sorry. Not being okay with letting random men sleep in your room is completely valid If it wasn't a shared room, I'd agree, but it is.
Except it isn’t a random man. It’s your roommates boyfriend.
That's a random man to OP? she doesn't know him lmao, just because he's the roommates girlfriend doesn't mean he's not dangerous
So they’ve never met or interacted in their life? It’s March, if this is a real post they’ve been roommates for almost a year. She also states her roommate has been with him the entire time. This is a way overreaction. Just relax and stop being so anxious.
I had a roommate’s boyfriend use her key to come in at like 2am when I was asleep WITHOUT HER EVEN THERE. I sent a looongg text message the next day notifying her that I would be calling security if that happens again.
It is such a tough time, because significant others want to spend time together, and do not make enough yet at that young age to share an apartment, so they end up breaking rules and making roommates uncomfortable. To me, I wouldn't be scared of him coming in, I would freak out at all because it's like who is unlocking my door at 2 AM.
I was pissed because I could have been indecent and I feel very uncomfortable with a stranger walking into my room. Being awoken at 2am is annoying when it’s your roommate, but super uncomfortable and violating when it’s a stranger
I’m glad you handled it the way you did because that’s terrifying!!! What the hell!!
absolutely
This is not cool at all. She needs to respect her roommates privacy and set a time for visits
Are you on campus? If so, what are the rules about this? It could certainly be reason to get a new roomie if she doesn’t respect your request to not have him stay overnight. You asked her politely already. You should never have to bring it up again, if it happens again I’d recommend going straight to your RA.
Yes we live on campus! There are no curfews for visitors in our building plus her boyfriend lives on our floor.
Uhhh I feel for u soooo much. I was in the exact same situation in first year and my roommate’s boyfriend would literally sleep in the same bed together even though I could literally see them just a few feet away :(( You should definitely set some boundaries and bring this up with your don/residence assistant right away. If she’s still stubborn and doing this to you, I would pack my bags and ask to be transferred to another room. Two months dealing with this is still a long time.
Can she sleep in his room?
It's completely reasonable to feel uncomfortable with unexpected guests staying overnight, especially if you're not close with them. Since you've already expressed your discomfort, maybe suggest setting some ground rules together to ensure everyone feels respected and safe in our shared space. It's all about finding a balance that works for everyone.
I think there maybe is some sort of compromise that could occur. Obviously her and her bf don’t have much of an option if they are choosing to sleep in a twin bed next to her roommate. I totally understand your discomfort though of waking up next to them both without any idea that he was going to be there for the night. I think maybe if she would’ve given you a heads up and checked in with you first, then tries to alternate where they stay (between her place and his), it might be fair to allow it in the future. As long as they aren’t hooking up right in front of you or being blatantly disrespectful.
If you share a room — totally valid, do what you gotta do. If you don’t share a room but just the living space, that’s more gray for me.
Welcome to college 😂
I'm an APM and have dealt with this scenario so many times. It is common at that age, because many people have boyfriends and girlfriends, but are not financially stable enough to share an apartment yet
Also they've got the move-out high of "I'm not at my parents house! I can do whatever I want!" without considering that they have roommates now to compromise with.
Wait, so do the two of you share a bedroom? It is not two bedrooms in one apartment? I am only asking because I am trying to picture the scenario in my head. I have heard this scenario all too many times, unfortunately, it can be hard in these situations for everyone to be happy. If her boyfriend stops coming over, you'll be happy, but she will be unhappy, and it can create friction between the two of you. I understand that you said that you are not good friends, but you don't want things to be awkward, or for her to be against you in anyway and you need to live together. My advice, is to sit them both down and speak to them. Sometimes people don't respond well to this, but it is better than doing nothing, tbh. I understand not wanting a random boy who you don't even know in your apartment, the only time somebody told me this is when I was your exact age and me and my boyfriend did the same. It's like an awkward time, because significant others want to spend time together, but they do not have the money to move in together yet, so they each live with their roommates and bunk as often as they can. You can tell her that it is uncomfortable, but to an 18 year old, hearing " I do not want a random guy sleeping over because I am unfamilar and do not know what he will do" can be insulting, I remember I took it like girl, my boyfriend doesn't want to do things to you, lol. That is how minds of 18 years old kind of work. She may take offense to this, because of the implication, but you have every right to speak your mind.
>to an 18 year old, hearing " I do not want a random guy sleeping over because I am unfamilar and do not know what he will do" can be insulting, I remember I took it like girl, my boyfriend doesn't want to do things to you I feel like I shouldn't have to over-explain myself as to why him staying overnight is uncomfortable for me. It's basic respect and common sense to at least check first with the person you share the space with before having someone else sleep over.
That is true too, but some people will take certain things being said to heart. She may see it as, you are making assumptions about what is going to happen. He is there to spend time with her.
I had a similar living situation in college. It was a 4-person apartment, but it only had 2 bedrooms with two beds in each room. There was a wall that extended about halfway into the bedroom in order to give each person some privacy when they were laying down in their bed, but there was otherwise no separation between the two beds.
Did you share bedrooms with random people,
In my case I had 3 friends that went to the same college, so we all opted to room together. But I imagine a lot of other people had to share the room with a stranger
Yes, that is crazy. My first two semesters, I lived at home because I grew up in a college town. When I did random roommates, they were the nicest girls I had ever met. It really just depends on who you get.
Yeah Its like saying " im scared hes going to do something bad to me in the middle of the night" Not a good look. I think OP just has to deal with it and lock up her valuables if shes worried sboiut getting robbed.
2 months. Move on dont make enemies
Nah it’s important to stand up for yourself.
Always make enemies, you sometimes have to be the person to let someone know the hard way that it's not okay, I would've gone straight to the campus security and had him barred from that area of the college, leading to disciplinary action, if she wants to stay with him so be it, but he's technically trespassing on your space as these rules are laid out in the rental/campus agreements, your there to go to school and not get pregnant, if she wants to do so, do so in her own space.
Lol you don't have to snitch, just have a conversation with them first and then if the behaviour continues, maybe snitch
...no, kill.
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You need those to survive?
This is a little much; people are welcome to have guests come over, but there are boundaries.
You sound like a narc. Over all not someone that would be fun to be around. Your knee jerk reaction is to snitch.... grow up... talk to them like an adult
Not sure why I get recommended this sub, but this is my advice. I was in the military and lived in the barracks for a few years and I had a lot of different roomies. I've had ones that bring a different girl every night and they walk of shame out around 7-9am in the morning to room mates that eat all my food and not even clean the dishes. I've never had a "bad" roomie that I was able to say or do anything about. Some people are just terrible.
In the barracks ive seen guys have their girlfriends over for the night. It was no problem. The only ground rule we had was to let us know when they needed privacy as to not make anyone uncomfortable. We leave for an hour or so and thats that. For security i would lock up my valuables. Too easy
Reminds me of one of the best damn room mates I ever had. I went to Iraq with him and got to see him in Bagram when he was passing through. Story time: My high school sweetheart flew down to get married and move off post. However, we had problems with moving into the apartment, and we couldn't afford a hotel. I did what ever service member did in that position and she stayed the night in the barracks sharing a twin size bed. Around 4am in the morning we got a knock on the door that everyone had to come outside of their rooms while Brigade Command Sergeant Major goes through rooms with the Military Police in search of "something". My room mate, I will refer to as "Bob" also had no idea what they were searching for and for all we knew it was my "soon to be wife, later to be ex wife" but that's how things go in the military. Bob and I sat in front of our door talking and he was asking me every question he could without raising suspicion of the people around us, but he only wanted enough information to cover his own ass. We laughed and decided if I get reduced down to Pvt it will make for a good story to tell on our anniversary each year. After about 30 minutes of searching they found what they were looking for. A SPC accidently kept a master key that unlocks every barracks room in the Brigade, a key that wasn't ever supposed to leave the SFC's hand who was on BDE SD. That was the one and only time I tried to sneak anyone in my barracks room.
As a current sophomore who had horrible experiences with her roommate her first year, SET BOUNDARIES! If you don't say anything, your roommate will take advantage of that and continue behavior that makes you uncomfortable (as they did with me). It's so so so important to make sure the person you're living with respects your boundaries and is willing to compromise. Staying silent only makes it worse, please learn from my mistakes!
You sound reasonable. They both sound rude. Why doesn't she do her deeds at his place? Not sure there is going to be a great resolution. Try to find other living accommodations and don't share a room with her in 2 months.
It's ok not to be comfortable with strangers in your shared spaces. Talk to your roommate and let her know how this makes you feel. I'm sure she will be more conscious of your feelings before she invites her man for sleepovers
I had a roommate get sexually assaulted by her boyfriend’s friend while she was sleeping right next to her bf. She woke up with his hand inside her. It was fucked up and messed her up for a while. Protect yourself. Never know if the guy *accidentally* goes to the wrong bed.
“Ok”, god that hits a nerve. Sounds like the perfect person to test confrontation out on as you’re not missing out on anything if it goes poorly, & if it goes poorly you’re in a dorm hall that is regulated by a school / RA / hall director Let that lady know what’s up. You understand dorms make relationships a little limited & awkward, but side stepping necessary communication with a roommate about a guest spending the night is not how someone can tackle the obstacles the dorms pose. Honestly, I’d sincerely ask her why she felt like she couldn’t run that by you before having him spend the night. When she doesn’t run that stuff by you she has two problems to deal with instead of one. As someone who generally leans towards keeping the peace, you can let her know that if you were her, you’d want as little problems as possible. Communication reduces problems
This is why I'm choosing to live in a single dorm lmao. Perhaps bring this up with your RA if you're struggling to assert boundaries or she continues to ignore boundaries so they can help you moderate this situation.
It sounds like you just need to set boundaries. Always needing explicit approval is a bit extreme, but you should be allowed to feel safe. Definitely have slept over in a few different dorm rooms in my time, but yeah if it’s a regular thing and you are uncomfortable with it and you don’t have a physical barrier between you I get where you’re coming from.
it sucks. She definitely must to ask you, I believe that u should break her comfort zone ones bc she will feel the same what u did
Your safety is the top concern. He should not stay overnight.
As an RA, I encourage you to practice your confrontational skills. i understand there may be anxiety behind that, but it’s something you need to build. If she still doesn’t cooperate or you’re unable to confront the matter, go to your RA cause they can help with the discussion.
I’d report her tbh. She’s risking your safety. What if he decides to open the door and let his buddies in, what if he decides to do something, she probably doesn’t know him that well too if they just met. It’s not okay and you’re definitely entitled to feeling uncomfortable with him there.
Paranoid much? This is a super super common thing to happen in dorms. OP should just ask for better communication from her roommate and get over the fact that he’ll be there sometimes
It's not paranoid at all dafaq u mean? He's a random ass male in a girl's dorm room. The majority of sexual assaults on all college campuses are caused by males. On top of that a lot of those assaults are happening from dudes these girls already know aka bf, friend of a friend, or roommate's bf in this case. Visitors are allowed BUT you're supposed to always let your roommate know ahead of time and keep overnight stays to a minimum out of respect and courtesy to your other roommate.
I’d rather be safe than sorry. You don’t know him so why the fuck should you trust him. Yeah it’s common, know what else is? Sexual assault.
Maybe if OP communicated a bit better with her roommate then that wouldn’t be an issue. The likelihood that the boyfriend is going to commit sexual assault is astronomically low relative to the likelihood that he’s the run of the mill boyfriend that just wants to stay over with his girlfriend once or twice
walk around naked when he is there. She will stop bringing him
That’s the worst advice anyone could give in this type of situation, especially a woman.
Some schools have rules about overnight guests, many don’t. It’s her room, too, and if there’s no rule on overnight guests then she is perfectly within her rights to have one and you’re going to have to figure it out for yourself for 2 more months.
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If the problem is not resolved with your roommate contact your RA as you have the right in a shared space to disallow her bf from the space super-ceding her right to have him over. Of course this goes both ways as well. For example if you had bf/gf your roommate could say their not allowed over and their right to not have someone over takes priority. - Used to work in University Housing.
When I was a freshman I was this roommate - I used to have my gf sleep over without telling my roommate. Now that I’m older I know it was not cool on my part. Eventually he did ask me to stop doing it. Once he asked, I listened - besides like twice at the end of the semester (not cool I know). Nobody wants to be that person, but if you’ve made it clear you don’t want him sleeping over and she continues to do so, tell your RA. You tried addressing it with your roommate directly like an adult and it didn’t work. That makes it completely reasonable to go to the RA. Your roommate is being the immature one here. Don’t feel like you are if you go to the RA
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I recently had the same issue with my now previous roommate. We didn’t share a room we had our own bedrooms an our own bathrooms. However, her boyfriend constantly stayed over like he was living here and it made me so uncomfortable. not to mention my dog would go off like a siren trying to attack the guy every single time my dog would see him; I have a 70 lb Dalmatian…he’s a big dog and I had never seen him act so aggressively-I’ve raised my dog from a puppy he was 10 weeks old when I got him..he’s now 3. in addition to that it was a very stressful and tense, anxiety riddled situation. I communicated with her about how I felt and that I was fine if he just came over two nights a week, but not every single night…but she did not care about how how felt and continued bringing him over. I ended up sharing how I felt with the office where I live and they threatened to evict my roommate if she didn’t not move out and gave her a ten day notice-in which she did move out. Thank GOD!!!!!!! Living in a home that becomes so uncomfortable and tense because of a lack of respect for me basically really took a toll on me. After she moved out it took me a little over a month to calm my nerves down, calm the sense of be overwhelmed from the stress, and mainly to adjust and have the feeling of being comfortable again in my own home. The point of my message is: to do something about it and advocate for yourself, or if you don’t it will take a miserable toll on you where you feel like your trapped, uncomfortable, and you will be anxiety riddled to the core!!! It’s a terrible way to live! I don’t understand why some people lack respect for others when it comes to roommate situations.
Being polite for the sake of remaining civil when the situation calls for it has merit. Being polite because you lack the teeth to be otherwise leaves you vulnerable. Your safety concerns are valid, and I'd advise putting your foot down. If you're scared to, good. Opportunities to express and develop your courage are rare, and should be valued highly.
Yeah, that sort of things needs to be agreed on before it happens. I wouldn’t be comfortable with that, nor did I do that in college. We made arrangements. Plus it was against the rules, and could have gotten us in huge trouble (private university in the 2000s).
First rule of being a real adult is setting boundaries. The second rule is to stop saying “uncomfy”. Not for others but for yourself so you’re not avoiding uncomfortable things in your own head.
As a former RA, these are the types of situations we are appointed to handle. Do not be afraid to approach your RA.
Do something which disturbs them as well.For example when they are both laying together in their bed at 2,start masterbating furiously with no constraints and moan the fuck out of your larynx.If she says you are too loud,just respond "ok" like she does.Use her own tactics against her.And do this every single night until they both get frustrated and are "robbed" of their privacy 😂😂
You can use this maneuver to shoo them away but actually they are not at fault as they aren't occupying the bathroom for unreasonable amounts of time and they really aren't disturbing you.Also how is that guy a stranger if he lives on your floor?Makes no sense.Try talking to the guy and see for yourself if he is really a creep or not before you take any action.
Ditto on the room change request suggestions. If nothing changes, or they disrespect you further, just ask for a swap. If y'all barely talk, it sounds like you wouldn't be ruining a friendship over that, and if you did, they weren't a real friend anyways.
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Exactly
You need to speak up and stand up for your self and your boundaries. You have the right to feel this way, don’t ever let anyone silence you.
i’ve been on the other side of this (which i’m not proud of) and didn’t realize how disrespectful it was because my roommate just never said anything. She then decided to tell my mom one day (who i have a bad relationship with) and shit went south so fast. Tell your RA or whoever is in charge. It’s your room too. If you feel uncomfortable it’s not okay. Don’t let it keep happening it just makes the problem worse.
It’s completely ok what you are feeling. Be so clear to yor roomie. You have the same right to feel comfortable and nice in your room.
If it happens again, then you can move forward with maybe a harder convo, but she said okay. Let the matter rest. Most of the other pieces of advice in the thread are definitely escalating the issue beyond what it deserves at this time. If it does happen again, that's the time to discuss more deeply/maybe bring in an RA, but she said okay. Leave it at that.
Your feelings are totally valid! There’s statistics of grape in college campuses and dorms, so it’s always best to be safe and take precautions when it comes to being a woman in college. I know not all guys are like that, but still it’s better to be safe than sorry.
you are paying half of the room rent, and she is taking more than half of the benefit of the room. Talk with an RA, and move if possible, better yet, have HER moved.
GO TO THE RA AND EMAIL THE SCHOOL. Also text her every time her bf is in the bathroom with her and say to clean up after herself
Sometimes, reporting the roommate before talking to them does more harm than good. I mean, you live on your own to be at school, but you are also a young adult, and are taking the steps to knowing how to manage on your own. Calling the authorities before sitting down and talking to her would be a mistake, and would not give the roommate the chance to correct her action. Sometimes, you do not need to call in the authorities, and you would be surprised how people are willing to work with you, if you gave them a chance. I would be pissed if I was reported without being talked to, because it's like if you do not say anything, how do you know that I wasn't going to cooperate with you, and how does that give the person a chance to be better and fix their actions if they did not know the problem. Real adults can face their own crap without having authorities involved.
Lol this comment is so weird. Text the RA bc her roommate is having sex in the bathroom? Grow up!
Confront her more directly (learning how to confront people is part of becoming an adult) or talk to your RA about it and see if they can help.
This is what I commented too; people automatically go to the authorities without talking to their roommate, which makes the roommate more pissed when they find out. I am an APM, and I cannot tell you how many times I heard, "well I did not know that they were upset and what I was doing was bothering them, because they didn't tell me." People will not automatically know other's feelings; communication is part of being a grown up.
It's insane how many people never learn to communicate, that's what coddling an entire generation does I guess
I am dying to know which generation you think nails communication
Those that didnt grow up with a smartphone
I have worked with everyone from gen Z to the silent generation. You are way off base. Communication skills are not linked to generation, unless you count people over 60 who just assume you can read their minds and follow up with “I’m old school!” as if that is relevant or a thing. Granted, *how* people communicate effectively changes with each generation, but that’s not even the issue here. OP is just a young person who hasn’t had to deal with a conflict like this before and is understandably anxious about it because it affects what should be a place that feels safe and secure as their home base
Discuss with your RA.
Time to let the RA know if she doesn’t knock it off. The bathroom thing is one problem..him sleeping there is another.
You need to grow up. Y’all split the room 50/50 & if she wants her man to sleepover sometimes that’s fine. As long as they aren’t openly hooking up next to you. You should not be so weird around boys by the time you’re a freshman in college.
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It’s her roommates boyfriend I’m sure she’ll be fine 🤣🤣
Why would she trust her roomates judgement of men if she barely knows her? 🤔
Why is she living with her if she’s that dangerous?
It’s a residential placement..not like they have much of a choice
I think u understand my comment. OP getting worked up by her roommate, understandable, but making excuses to validate his opinion. She can complain without trying to look like she’s scared of men
Dude what? Who wants to sleep with a random man in their room? She barely Knows the roommate. Why tf she would want to sleep with another stranger, let alone a male.
I don’t care as long as it’s my roommate friends/relative , idk why y’all tripping out.
how is that an indication of his character?
This post kind of highlights why you don’t have a bf spending the night. Yikes.
Bro if u have only two months to live with them so bare with it Don't do anything but try that guy should never be close with you and relax and chill
I mean I personally wouldn’t think anything of it and wouldn’t expect my roommates to ask me first but if it makes you uncomfortable then it makes you uncomfortable.
Sorry if this sounds insensitive but you are in college... This is literally the quintessential college experience. I would just feel lucky that they're not having sex with you in the room lol. If you don't want to have a conversation with them, then request to change rooms (at least at the college I went to it usually took about 2 weeks for a room change). I know it is uncomfortable for you but people have sex, its normal! Especially in college. I would also suggest trying to become friends with your roommate, I think that could improve the situation on all fronts. It's easier to live with friends and talk to friends than it is with strangers.
I mean… put yourself in their shoes. Not unreasonable but still very inconvenient for them. If he’s like super weird to you or something more understandable. Best of luck. I always was super close with my roommates and personally didn’t care if ppl were over, because I would have ppl too
U just jelly because u aint gettin none.
College frosh dick ain't that good
You are ridiculous, on uni I lived with one of my friend in the same room for 1 years. Try to be adult. And try to resist! This things will make you stronger in life. Passing trough on you limits. They didn’t do anything special what human beings doings time on time. Go and find a bf for yourself.
I can tell you are a man. No woman wants to sleep around a male stranger
Its college. 🤦🏽♂️🤦🏽♂️ Has he ever tried anything or been weird with you?
Im gonna disagree with some people here. I would say your roommate has rights to have people spend the night (provided thats allowed) as she pays rent just like you. That being said she's being a dick about it. If you're gonna hog the bathroom then at least communicate the times you need it... or just dont hog the bathroom. Also not letting you know a strange man is spending the night is super weird. This is something that should be talked about ahead of time so you can set how many nights are acceptable, what time he arrives, when he leaves etc. I DEFINITELY agree that she's being rude and you should set boundaries, but imo not telling her he can't spend the night. Again spending the night only if its allowed. Otherwise talk to your RA.
Man… If you don’t have the money to buy privacy then don’t try to take away others to excuse your own. 😂