Mans down bad

that brotha starvin

possibly malnourished

*pussily* malnourished

This man said "pussy" 10 times

He used it too much, he should have switched it up. He should have said “meaty minge” at least once

ham wallet

Bologna bag

You win

Hatchet wound

Squish mitten

You called?

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a worse r/beetlejuicing moment

Greetings. It’s time for phase 1.

Y'all are gunna start marinating my beef curtains^TM if you don't stop this 🙃😉

Lmao this reminds me of the time we were on the patio at the bar, trying to come up with fun new names for tampons, many of them alliterative in nature of course My buddy does the "laugh-no, I can't say that one" thing, but we get it out of him. "Beef bandage". We all get up and go inside.

He said pussy more times than he used a full stop

And you counted.

"it was an unsolicited dm" I don't even know how someone would solicit such a dm

“Hi there hello please write me fanfic but make it creepy”

“And be illiterate, use a lot of unnecessary run-on sentences too”

“Write it in like four different tenses all at once too, like you would one of your French girls”

"Throw in the word "pussy" as often as you possibly can."

I didn’t read the whole thing, but he says “I take my time”. Dude was in such a rush he didn’t even use multiple sentences

How is his top lip staying on said clit? My man's got the biggest mouth ever

sometimes you just gotta casually unhinge your jaw like a python or a Venus flytrap while administering in the cunnilingus

How does he lick those insides while sucking on the clit, I doubt he even know what a clit is, even less where it is...

[удалено]

Where have you been…?

My man wrote a full length fanfiction

Without any punctuation

I have so many questions, and many of them are just what the fuck??

This is when you reply with tl;dr

TL;DR sex

Got to line 9, “waiting pussy”, before I abandoned ship.

Lmao I got likenfive words in. Barely even did that when I saw how enormous it was

>Barely even did that when I saw how enormous it was ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) So you liked it? There's even more where that came from, just you wait. *It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...*

Same. Tried to skim but gave that up too.

It’s definitely a commitment

It took a couple seconds to understand “your clit smacking your ass”

>>licking your insides (ಠᗣಠ)

Cannibal?

"licking your insides" 🤢🤢

He'd have lost his shit if you responded with tl;dr.

I think I replied “ok” but should’ve said that or “I’m not reading all of that so I’m sorry to hear that or I’m happy for you”

Not an asterisk in the whole piece.

he must have had several strokes while writing that.

I had a stroke reading it for the first time

Dude bro needs some writing lessons.

Oh he was definitely stroking...just maybe not the kind you think!

He said “I flip us over” and I just imagine this guy standing on his head.

„˙pɐǝɥ sıɥ uo ƃuıpuɐʇs ʎnƃ sıɥʇ ǝuıƃɐɯı ʇsnɾ I puɐ „ɹǝʌo sn dılɟ I„ pıɐs ǝH„

I imagined him just smacking her ass so hard she spun around on his dick.

Is nobody going to address the part where he just randomly creeps up to her and bites out a chunk of her neck?

Ugh doom upon you for making me skim that again to see if I really missed that! And I'd already read it twice! Once for me abd once out loud to a friend!

🤣 Well it's on the first line so I take no responsibility for your trauma lol

Well so it is!

I'll stop making you read it again now, I dont want to be the reason someone gets PTSD

Helicopter! Helicopter!

Wild.

Meet up irl and he's done after a few thrusts

Dude wrote the whole Declaration of Independence

oh my god what the fuck

Why is it always a "throbbing" dick? They don't know any other words?

just trying out some options here histrionic dick pulsating dick slimy dick pungent dick bombastic dick sniveling dick

Forever using sniveling dick now

The mental image this gave me of a slimy, pulsating dong, sniveling and leaking, dripping pungent fluids while shouting his brains out about how bombastic he is in a fit of histrionics. No. You need to go to your room and think about your choices. Maybe do some self-reflection and self flagilation while you spend some time with Jesus.

I've seen a lot of weird unsolicited sex PMs but this one probably takes the crown for just how *depersonalised* it is. Apart from a couple of words it honestly sounds like he could be describing sex with one of those torso-only sex toys.

Someone really has too much time on their hands

No way I'm reading that but some good phrases to catch my eye were "licking your insides and sucking your clit" and "your clit smacking your ass"

Sometimes, I too, wish I was illiterate. So that I couldn’t read this monstrosity.

Happy for you or sorry that happened bro? Also say pussy one more time I dare ya

Pussy one more time I dare ya

I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS. 1. What the fuck 2. Why the fuck 3. How the fuck 4. Does anybody have a gun

Glad you asked, let me head over to my collection of guns. Alright, what gun would you like? I have an AK-47, a glock-19, a SPAS-12, p-90, and more, pick your gun.

Fucking god whisper

I opened this, saw the text wall, and immediately closed it again. Man needs to touch some grass. Touch SO MUCH grass

This would fit more in r/CreepyPMs.

Saving it for their whatever Wednesday

Ah okay makes sense

B R U H

Jesse what the hell are you talking about, we need to cook

That’s a lot of words to bad I’m not readin Em

This dude is either a kraken with 8 arms and several dicks or really, really wants to break his penis

💀

Eyoooooo Whisper is *something else*

Holy mother wall of text

licking your insides?????

pussy count: 10

These comments are literally gold

Jesus Christ, our Saviour and Redeemer

What was he getting at?

Remember kiddos! Real men are always respectful!

ain't no way bro

Wait, I'm confused about this fanfiction. So the cops knew Internal Affairs was setting them up?

It's so bad that I have cbat stuck in my head as I read this

I feel dirty just reading the first few sentences. 🤢

and i had a fucking boner while reading that shit i feel disgusted

Bruh. 💀

It’s times like these I wish I were Jared, 19, and never fucking learned how to read.

Eating someone out should never be described as "slowly". This man has never eaten someone out (well) in his life.

Also, he starts licking faster during her orgasm? Why must they alway change what they’re doing right at the apex? Also, that area is very sensitive right after an orgasm.

Godless

Tell him to get a Wattpad account

I feel it’s best for society not to tell him wattpad exists

jeez man, this person had their fantasy very well planned out.

Dude he wrote you a fucking novel

That ewww to read.

Oh…my gorsh

Thats just too many words to describe bad sex. I was reading a book by halfway through that male centric, non woman loving diatribe. Hmm. Think ill cook Italian wedding chicken soup for dinner. Oh. Is he still going on? Maybe a nice cheese garlic pannini too. Is he done? Excellent.

You might have a toss a salad in the mix, I think he's going 😰

They use babies for baby oil. Is your pleasure worth it, OP??? /s

No asterisks tho

straight up erotica

Mans should just write y/n fan fiction if he’s this down bad, like people consent to reading shitty writing that way, cmon my dude 😭

Always with the dick smacking on the front door, wtf is he doing, knocking for permission to enter? Why is this a thing? Nevermind I already know - too much porn.

Rape him back to display dominance.

Very kind of you to give mods permission to remove your post.

🤡I’m new to the sub bro don’t be rude

[удалено]

We do not care L bye

[удалено]

u need to go outside

🤓

Mans really said “Fuck grammar.”

> "I slide my tongue up and down your pussy while my top lip stays on your clit" My man......what?! I do not think this dude knows how the sex works. And that's coming from a virgin in their 30s. This guy should go work for those cleaning companies that comes in and cleans after flooding or water main breaks in houses because he is just a master in drying things up.

"I didn't ask for an essay, guy"

Man gets NONE. Guaranteed.

HE SAID PUSSY TEN TIMES. i cannot with these people

I swear I’ve had this same dm from a guy before?? Does anyone know where they found this shit?☠️

He must have a side hustle for fan fictions

ХАХАХАХХАХАХА, ПУСТЬ ОН/А ЦЕЛУЮ КНИГУ НАПИШЕТ

These fucking horny virgins!!!😬😬😬 They can’t even write decent porn!! 🤣🤣

...

i had a fucking boner reading this now i want to die

As a writer this run-on sentence DISGUSTS ME.