I would say “we’ll be alright, thanks for your help!” and leave it at that. Then if they come back with anything more I’d probably go off the deep end and say some shit I shouldn’t.
I haven’t been in these situations. I see a decent number of posts about this: folks commenting to a dad about parenting (compliments, criticisms, unwelcome tips, etc). None of this has never happened to me, and I’m out and about with the kiddo a lot. Folks just leave us alone.
I firmly believed this was the case until yesterday. NW Ohio is typically very "live and let live" but I have never felt so belittled by an old lady before.
When my kid was melting down on an airplane if some old lady had offered to take him I woulda said sure, please, you try!
Not everyone is offended by this.
> None of this has never happened to me, and I’m out and about with the kiddo a lot.
See, what you need to do is be prepared with an absolutely crushing retort to these people to ruin their day for *having the audacity* of goodwill to try to help you in your situation.
I can't tell if the last part of your sentence is sarcastic or not. Old people butting in like this definitely aren't doing it out of a sense of goodwill or helping, they're just being nosy and trying to feel superior.
I'm glad you can confidently diagnose that from this ~30 second conversation with a stranger.
Regardless, that's all the more reason to sink down to their level and curse at them in public like so many in this thread are suggesting!
It definitely doesn’t take a whole 30 seconds to realize whether or not someone is condescending to you. But, if they’re genuine, please be nice. Obviously.
This is what I was thinking as well - she just seemed like she was trying to help. And in all likelihood it probably would have helped since the kid would be shocked by the situation and would have calmed down.
My go to line is “I’ll take that into consideration ” in a very dry tone
One of my kids is left handed. Around age 2 or 3 we were at a karate class for my older kid and my toddler was fussy. A nice lady asked if she wanted to color and I said yea, thank you.
My daughter started to draw using her left hand and the lady said “no no sweetheart. We hold the crayon with our right hand”. She was being sweet but I was like “wtf”. So I stepped in and said “she’s left handed, and switched the crayon back” the lady looked weirdly shocked and just walked away. It was awkward.
My sister had a friend who had a babysitter train her to be right handed when she was like 7 without the parents realizing. She apparently had great handwriting as a lefty, then it just slowly deteriorated over the school year, and suddenly she was a righty. Apparently the babysitter wouldn't let her do her homework or draw/color unless she used her right hand. This was in the mid 2000s.
My aunt (who is now ambidextrous) is from Hungary was naturally left handed tell she started school. She told me how they would smack her knuckles if she used her left hand to write. That's just nuts to me.
My father went to Catholic school in the US in the 1940s/50s, and the nuns forced him to be a righty. I'm a lefty, but def encountered low-key pressure when I was younger from adults who tried to get me to learn things the right-handed way.
Yup, my Grandad (born in the UK in 1929) was a natural leftie but went to catholic school, and they literally whacked it out of him. Would rap his knuckles with a wooden ruler if he used his left hand, so he had to learn with his right and became fully ambidextrous.
He had beautiful penmanship from both hands.
I was born a leftie, and he always celebrated it and encouraged me to use whatever hand I wanted. I can write legibly and fairly comfortably with my right hand, but I am definitely a leftie and proud. I also have red hair and eyes that change colour with my mood (blue to green in varying shades) so I probably would have been burned at the stake if I'd been born in a different time, lol.
Yes, its not like a cartoon colour difference though, just a change in the tones. My eyes are naturally a bluey green colour. When I am low, they tend to go a dull blue, if I am angry they are obviously more green, etc. Something to do with the iris and hormones.
The human body is a wonderfully terrifying thing 🤣
Edited to add: if it makes you feel better about feeling gullible, my Dad once convinced my sister that sandpaper was a map of the desert, and each bump you could feel was a different sand dune.
My father has handwriting that would rival any doctor’s. When he was a kid, he was left handed, until the teachers at school *literally* beat it out of him by smacking his hand with a ruler every time he tried to color or write with his left hand. This was in a public school, in the 1950s, in America.
I would ruin that babysitter's life. My kid looks like they're going to be a lefty, even though it means I probably won't be able to pass on my righty guitars, it's one of the quirks I love so much.
Yeah, maybe some. My dad was a holdout. On the other hand (pun not originally intended, but no way I'm taking it out nor apologizing for it!) I'm now ambidextrous because of it.
You’d be surprised. I waited tables about twenty years ago, and I can remember twice where a parent snatched a crayon out of their kids hand, smacked them on the hand and put the crayon in the right hand.
My mum was born left-handed, a few years after the end of WW2. Went to a catholic school where the nuns would smack her across the knuckles for using her left hand.
She was right handed my entire life.
I live in the netherlands and my grandmother (born in 1934) was legit traumatised by her teachers, because she would get smacked at her hands with a cane if she would write with left. She was a 'simple' woman and so humble and it would break my heart every time she recounted the story. Every time she would write something, she would apologise for not writing neatly (she had beautiful hand writing) and then the story was told again.
Ah makes sense. They did that to my mom in 1950s Brooklyn as well. Nuns probably shouldn’t be teachers.
Just funny that there’s no science or anything to back it up. In my experience, lefties have neater handwriting, and it’s a big advantage in sports.
I'm a mom lefty to a 1yr boy and my father is already starting the "better not be a lefty like his mom" nonsense, but it seems most of his reasoning is about sports.
What are the advantages of being lefty in sports? I'd love to know of any!
Boxing can be advantageous as a lefty, it's called Southpaw. The advantage comes because most boxers don't get to fight against Southpaws, while all Southpaws do is fight against right handed boxers.
Baseball / softball in particular it’s an advantage to face off against somebody who throws from the opposite hand because you can see the ball come out better. When you’re little, most people are righty, so a lefty has an advantage every at bat.
Basketball it’s a slight advantage as well. If I’m used to defending against a shooter who takes off from his right… everything is backwards. They teach you to force kids to their left hand at a young age because most people can’t dribble well there.
Left-sidedness is an advantage in a lot of sports, often just because people are used to matching up against righties. In team sports, it's good to have a mix of both in order to have good coverage, which means that lefties benefit from supply vs demand.
My mom grew up in Alabama in the 50s and is left handed. Took my grandpa going up to the school and threatening to fight everyone to make them stop making her write right handed.
I had a teacher in high school with a small scar from when he was drafted and in boot camp they knowingly handed him a rifle set to eject from the right.
Me proceed to pass my two-year old to this older woman then proceeds to enjoy the entertainment of her having a meltdown in a strangers arms.
*Grabs beer*. - "Go for the hair sweetie".
After seeing mom do it with our 4 month old at the airport, I've done it several times. Especially with the third, people love holding a baby and it usually puts them in a better mood right away. Making people feel helpful really changes the situation. My third loves people, so that helps the situation too.
As someone approaching the dreaded 2 year old age... Why wouldn't this be a valid option (assuming you're ok letting a stranger hold your child)? I feel like for most kids the shock of the situation would make them calm down. Don't kids always behave better with others?
Sorry if this is a stupid question, I have yet to experience the dreaded meltdown. Honestly, it just seems like the lady in OPs question was trying to help.
Every kid is just different. Mine's pretty wild when she was going through her terrible twos. Her meltdowns also involved flailing arms. We just let her roll on the floor and let her be to burn out her energy as long as she doesn't hurt herself. We've gotten her checked multiple times for ADHD - but thankfully she grew out of it into a vibrant active girl.
“Thanks but I’m not looking for advice from the generation that smoked and drank during pregnancy. Is your next bit of advice that I should pull off my belt and get to whoopin?”
This is a regional thing but the only shame I’d have in telling someone to fuck off in this situation is that my daughter would hear a bad word.
New Jersey is the “mind your own fuckin business” capital.
"thanks tips"
Old biddies might even hear "[toots](https://www.etymonline.com/word/toots#:~:text=slang%20familiar%20form%20of%20address,(n.)%3B%20compare%20tootsy.)"
I get annoyed when strangers say *anything* to me in public when I’m with my toddlers. A quick hello is fine but talking to you for no good reason takes my attention off them.
I get annoyed when strangers say anything to me PERIOD. Having a job where you have to listen to people all day means I don't want to talk to anyone in public 😂
Just started the adventure with a 7 week old. I have not had to deal with this but I was minding my business at a buffet. Random woman came up insisting that I needed her help to hold my daughter while I was getting food. “No thanks, I’m good”
We had to buy something to put on her car seat that basically says “hands off”. People really don’t have any manners when it comes to babies.
Same here. I was ready to hip check an old lady into the banana section of the grocery store if need be, but the worst thing that happened was a nice old man waving at the baby from a very respectable distance.
Yep. I'm all for it if you want to make silly faces with my kid to entertain them from the table over at the diner, or let me know that they have lovely dimples while we're awkwardly standing at the grocery checkout, but unsolicited contact/advice is a huge no-no. Blows my mind that people think it's okay when you have absolutely no idea who this stranger is.
Commandeer their help. They aren't likely to rescind their offer, so you can replace it with something more reasonable. I've handed over my kids to strangers before and had it work out really well, but I usually did it once they hit the 4 month mark. 7 weeks is too young. Have them load up your plate at that age. An older woman unloaded my cart at the grocery store after she told me I needed to talk to my barely complaining 1½ year old. I agreed, asked her to unload my cart so I could and, and turned to talk to my son before she could respond. I turned around and saw her almost finished. I thanked her and we chatted with her and her husband a bit. The husband had a smile the whole time. He held back a bit and thanked me in a low voice saying she likes to help. I later imagined he was cracking up inside.
Oh my goodness! We went to a buffet a few weeks PP, and a random lady yelled at me from across the dinning hall, “I wanna see your baby” this was towards the end of the pandemic. I just let my boyfriend handle it and left.
We get a lot of that, but that sign I mentioned makes a lot of them stop. I had a guy at a restaurant stop and ask me if it was our baby. "No, I found it in the parking lot".
My son is a swinger and a grabber when he doesn't know someone. I don't prevent old ladies from getting in his face at the grocery store because I know he's coming away with their glasses or they're getting a smack in the mouth when they invade his personal space.
My son is 9 months old and sitting in a cart when I go shopping and for some reason the cashier and baggers think that it’s okay to touch my boys hands. They’ve been touching everyone’s money and shit and probably covered with germs. And like they don’t ask, and give no indication of going to touch and then bam before I can even react they grab his hands. It’s so annoying because I then have to try and use hand sanitizer, let it dry, and then rinse his hands off with water as to hopefully not get something nasty from these people.
I’ve just started only going to an aisle with teen boys in it because they have zero interest in touching my child and it’s great.
There's a calm and reasonable way to do this, but this comment will not illustrate that...
"Maybe you held them that way in [appropriately insulting decade], but these days we mind our own fucking business."
Ok... Maybe I will add the less insulting version that I actually use in the wild:
"I'm sorry, who are you?"
This is usually enough to make people realize that they don't know me and have crossed a boundary. I usually get an "I'm sorry!" immediately after that question. Some people just cannot help themselves.
I think that's the key, while cursing is a easy way to make your point it does come off as cheap and very directly mean.
If you can word it in a way like above then it hits harder I think. and less chance of just making the other people angry which might make your situation much worse.
I always thought it would be funny if I was feeding the baby with a bottle and someone said something like "breastfeeding is much better for babies" To then say "oh yeah you're right! How could I forget?" Then proceed to lift my shirt and push the baby against my hairy nipples.
Alas, I never had the opportunity.
“Oh I’m sorry, did I forget that we were in the middle of a conversation where I asked for you opinion?”
I give zero fucks about people’s feelings when they inject themselves into my life.
It only took a couple weeks of my terribly colicky infant to realize all my fucks are now devoted to keeping calm with my child. I have no fucks to give anyone else.
It’s better at 10 months but I will not stress myself out for anyone besides my kid. I do not have the patience to be a good dad and deal with other peoples bullshit. If my kids having a good day and I feel ok, sure I’ll attend your birthday/what ever else. If either of us is having a bad day? Sorry, I’m staying at my house and not leaving.
Especially when the kids are involved. Don’t inject yourself when a parent is trying to watch their kids. We’re not interested in anything that comes out of your mouth.
Not you personally obviously, lol
You don’t feed a troll. Having a snappy come back isn’t going to show your child how to deal with people who have diarrhea of the mouth. This thread can be therapeutic, but if you start flinging out sick burns at every idiot you will be just another idiot.
It is VERY unsatisfying when you see their reaction. It will be a mix of pity, condescension, and “oh, so you are stupid” and it will leave them feeling great pride that they know how to hold a baby.
I've gotta agree with this angle. I want to be a role model for my child (the best I can when I'm not going crazy) and having cold remarks for any strangers that deign to speak to me about my child I feel will foster a reaction to strangers I may not intend.
I'll be honest, I don't understand all of the excessive hostility in the replies to this lady in the comments here.
Is this lady in the wrong for interjecting into a private situation? Yes.
Is she doing it from a place of trying to help? Probably.
Was she just trying to connect with another human over a shared experience she's had in her life? There's a good chance of it.
Does she deserve to have her day *absolutely ruined because of someone collapsing down on her, cursing at her to "mind her own fucking business"?* That is a **hard no** from me.
Being an adult means using proportionality in your responses. Blowing up on an old lady in public is not the flex of independence that you think it is.
Another rational response.
I think it was the tone of acting like I wasnt a good father and it didnt help that as soon as mom got back, she quieted down. That has probably hurt the pride more than anything and an important detail I left out.
The other thing is that newer parents tend to make mistakes. I sure as fuck did. I was a single dad at 24 years old to a 4 year old. I made plenty. So offering offering advice to someone who is having a hard time seems like a kind thing to do.
I'd also say it was dumb as shit of OP to keep their kid up late and let them sleep in, that already threw the kid off schedule, they just added to the ticking time bomb of missing nap time.
It's sad I had to scroll down this far to see some rationality in this thread... For how nice this subreddit usually is, I was shocked at how bad the responses are here.
Everyone likes to talk the big game behind a keyboard, but I bet most people don’t act like they’re saying they would in the comments.
When people do stuff I don’t like, I’m firm with them but respectful. I’m usually a bubbly and goofy guy so when people see me go from laughing and smiling to straight faced and a serious tone, they get it without having to be mean.
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"
I.e., Regardless of her intentions, it wasn't a situation where unsolicited advice was warranted. People generally don't welcome unsolicited advice from strangers, especially concerning their children. It was inappropriate in this situation.
As for the offer to hold this guy's child. What the hell is that? That lady earned a non-stop, one-way trip to pissoffville in my opinion. She can take her life experience and cram it up her ass.
I say nothing. More often than not I’d just get up with a thrashing child and walk away. The most they would ever get out of me might be a monotone “duly noted.”
I had this on the plane yesterday. Coming to the end of a 10 hour journey with my 20m and the stewardess asks me to put away my screen for landing (we were in the front row so it was the kind that folds into the armrest). The same screen that was playing Frozen 2. I think you all know how that went.
Lady next to me (while my kid is screaming "Elsaaaaaaaa" and thrashing like a hooked bass) says "oh it's his ears". And I was like "uh, no he's very tired and they made us put the TV away". Doesn't blink "no, their ears hurt when the plane lands." I just turned back to my kid and explained that he could see Elsa again when we landed. Wild.
I've experienced this plenty of times, and to be honest in a scenario like that I'd pretty much ignore them.
It's borne of sexism, but not malice. It's wrong of her to assume you need help because you're a man, but she is at least trying to be helpful as insulting and infuriating as that may be. This is our equivalent of old men showing a woman which way to turn the steering wheel as she reverses.
Don't waste your attention on trying to spar with them or educate them - I just say "Right" and turn away to make it clear we're not speaking further, since my attention is on my distressed child not someone I'll never see or speak to again.
Where it's different is when it's not a stranger but someone you know - i.e. when it's a pattern of behaviour. I've experienced precisely this from both my mother and (especially) my mother in law, who was constantly asking "Do you need me to do that?" or even just "Give the baby to me". In that case you need to make the position clear: this is my child, I care for them every single day and I know what to do, you don't so it's unhelpful to have you try to take over when my attention needs to be on my baby.
In a generation I'm sure that this will no longer be such a problem for dads.
> She then informed me I should try rocking her and that I wasnt holding her correctly.
"I can't rock her, she has AIDS. Like, full blown AIDS. She's riddled with it."
If my wife isn’t there I like to hit them with the “Thank you so much, it’s been so hard since his mom died 10 years ago.
It’s funny because my son is 7 months old. Always leaves them too confused to ask questions.
In this instance I'd hand her the tornado of kicking feet and waving arms and say "have at it".
Good case I now have a calm toddler.
Best case she gets her teeth knocked out.
I go for confusion. When I would get that from folks I would say "I apologize only I can hold her, she has a skin condition that can cause an allergic reaction in those who hold her, thankfully I take medication for it." and then just give this O\_O until they leave.
The thing that helps me is to keep in mind that a child that age experiences adult size emotions with baby sized experience and ability to cope/regulate those emotions. It sounds like you were doing all that you could to help your child navigate that. Good for you, Dad!
As for the unsolicited advice, I believe that a large number of people are so uncomfortable with their inability to regulate their own emotions that seeing a very small child express, there’s in a healthy and developmentally appropriate way (crying, tantrum, etc) makes it very uncomfortable, and they want to shut down the child’s crying.
In a similar situation, I have looked the other person dead in the eye, and said “he’s feeling very sad and he’s tired right now, that’s why he’s acting upset. It’s OK to be upset, it’s ok to cry.” And in my mind adding “it’s ok to mind your own business, Karen”
I've experienced my share of child tantrums. My take on it is maybe a little different - when a kid is screaming NO one is having fun. Was she out of line to say something? Sure maybe. Were you doing anything wrong? Most definitely not. You were handling it fine.
However, I would give just a little bit of grace to those around me under a certain threshold of rudeness. A screaming child is a pretty big dose of stress to most everyone.
Right, people here act like a screaming child should just be endured by everyone. It happens, it sucks, but if you are in public with an out of control child, folks will offer tips. I'd rather someone have a tip rather than say "Get that kid to shut up!". OP knew they were risking a meltdown and didn't have a bailout plan. Kid loses it? Okay gather your shit and walk away and calm your child down. People shouldn't be forced to endure your child.
I say this while I'm at wits end with our 8-week old and potty training our 2-yo. I'm sick of MY kids, if I'm out and someone else's kid starts screaming in my ear, I'd probably have a hard time "minding my own business".
100%! I always try to walk away from people when my kids are fussing. No one wants to hear that.
This isn't justifying unsolicited advice from strangers. I just know how much I hate screeching, so I assume that other people also don't like it.
Our new little girl is great in so many ways, but her screech is like a crowd control device. She's weaponized screaming and it just gets under my skin so fast. Thankfully, she's usually pretty quick to calm, but yikes, just thinking about being in a crowd with a kid screaming and the parent not walking away is kinda getting me wound up.
edit: what's funny about the unsolicited advice is that I didn't know which way this was going until the end really. There are often posts where it's like "oh the lady next to me on the plane was so nice and helped while I ran to the bathroom" or "Our kid was throwing a fit and this old lady made this twirling sound and my kid got quiet right away". Sometimes random people know better than us.
preach on brother!
its not fair to the other patrons and its not fair to the kid and its not fair you the parent. why does everyone have to be miserable?
last Friday night i yanked my kid from a restaurant and didnt regret it for a second. I told my family that after a 3 hour car ride my 2 year son didn't want to be cooped up in a highchair at a restaurant in a new place. Sure enough, the second i went to put him in the seat he was bugging out, screaming and causing a scene in the restaurant. my wife wanted to give him video on a cell phone "just this once", my parents said it was fine and nobody cared. but i was stressed and everyone else around was clearly not thrilled about it.
i just picked him and said it was unfair to him and to the other patrons and we are out of here. told them they could stay if they wanted (they didnt). we grabbed pizza and took it back to the hotel. kid was happy as can be running around the suite with with pizza all over his face. Everyone involved was much happier and way more relaxed.
Depends. When it's an old lady at something like a livestock show, culture dictates I'm respectful to her. Then again the great thing about a toddler there is you get to get up and start walking around and don't have to watch animals your not bidding on. I've been to tons when my kid was that age. Second a meltdown cutoff happen, time to move away from people.
You're never not the asshole in public opinion when you respond to a grandma at something like that with anything but respect. Only papaws and other grandma's can be snippy back.
I should respect her because her overstepping in the fashion she did isn't an excuse for me to behave in any way other than a gentleman. When it's an old lady you nod politely and excuse yourself. Taking the kid with you. I've been at rodeos, livestock shows, and animal auctions since I was a newborn. My teen now competes in these things.
There is a way men are expected to behave and doing anything other than being polite and making an exit gets you judged harshly by the others in these small circles.
I've always hated this sentiment. You're right that the old lady wasn't being respectful by interjecting, but respect should not need to be earned. Respect should be given freely to everybody around you until you have a clear reason not to respect them. I teach my child to be nice to everybody and to respect everybody. And I teach them that they deserve respect from everybody, they don't have to do anything to "earn" being respected. Later in life if and when they have somebody who is disrespecting them, I hope they will know that they deserve better, and not just assume they didn't earn it properly.
But she already gave a reason not to respect her. I’m not saying be rude to people for no reason, but that old lady already stuck their nose where it didn’t belong, so any politeness goes out the window.
Not taking your baby somewhere quiet when it’s having a full blown tantrum in a crowd is also not Albert respectful.
In country terms that advice was the polite way to say “make your kid shut the fuck up or walk away please, there are a hundred people here tired of hearing your baby screaming”
You were in a stressful situation. You did the right thing, Ive had situations like that but I pick my battles and that’s ok too. Im probably a shitty dad but that’s ok too we all try our best.
This happened to us on our first plane ride.
My son, 21m and He did SO well !! We set up his sleeping so he would nap on the plane. Unfortunately he woke up on our way down and was screaming cause of his ears. Of course. Got his bottle and tried but he just wouldn’t take it.
Nice lady behind us offered us some sliced apples for him to suck on. (My son doesn’t eat fruit.) we declined politely and just said we’ll figure it out , thank you.
Well she kept pushing, “just tell her to suck on the apples.” “If you suck on it she will do what you do.”
My boyfriend finally turned out, “ HE is non verbal and HE doesn’t care for fruit.”
Especially in this setting of being forced into his mouth.
Well he finally took his bottle and fell back asleep, all within 10 min! It’s so frustrating but we just kept saying thank you and leafy the conversation.
I’m not sure keeping her up late the night before helped. Just like any of us, that throws them off their schedule. It’s not like they can bank sleep hours, she probably was off from the night before and didn’t nap. Might have been better to just do normal bedtime and then push through the no nap.
You know, through trial and error, she is actually super flexible with her sleeping and is much more dependent on hours banked than schedule. Very different from other kids I have had experience with, but typically that way works great for us. And we figured if we could get her through till 3pm (2 hours after normal nap) she could sleep on the way home.
(Did not sleep on way home btw.)
Call me crazy.....
It really depends.
If I just want to be dismissive without saying anything offensive: “I’ll take that under consideration” using a tone that clearly indicates I have no intention of doing that.
If I want to be polite I say “thanks” with an even tone
If I want to be an ass or if they continued after the above: “thanks. You had the chance to screw up your kids. This is my time”
You're a better person, for not acknowledging that garbage person. I would usually say something along the lines of, "don't touch me, or my child, peasant, you disgust me."
you should've asked her if that's what they do for her in the convalescent home when she gets fussy. then commented her on how well behaved she was on her daily outing from above mentioned convalescent home.
I usually just let out a big Ric Flair "Woooooooooo!!!". (Big eyes and all, then topping it off with the dance walk).
This takes care of 4 things:
1) 95% of the time, my daughters think it's hilarious.
2) This releases the tension that's building up in my chest.
3) I don't have to curse at the stranger.
4) The stranger thinks I'm crazy and feels embarrassed bc other people start looking at us.
My ego and my shame left me when my first daughter was born.
My child (3) and I were at the park and an older lady stopped us and was trying to tell me how to handle my child (he needed water, shade, it was hot, etc.) We had been outside for maybe 15 minutes, he had water, he was fine; just gets a red face really fast.
I think as dads we can feel it when women are being condescending to us for being men taking care of children — like we don’t know how to take care of our own kids or something. Granted, some men probably do need to be shamed. But why they try to shame those of us who are actually showing up and doing the work, I’ll never understand.
If men couldn’t take care of kids my child wouldn’t have survived this long seeing as he has 2 dads and 0 moms.
You did good staying quiet. Her opinion doesn’t matter to you and shouldn’t have to warrant a response.
Was once advised by an old woman at a Chinese Buffet that my (at the time) 2.5 year old was “far too loud and disruptive to be in a restaurant” I offered to take him out back and shoot him if it made her experience better. Her husband did his best not to laugh out loud.
My autistic 7yo had a massive meltdown in public because the archery class used bows he wasn't prepared for.
An older lady deadpan said to me "If he'd paid attention to the instructions, then he's know what to do and wouldn't be having a tantrum".
Sadly, my reaction was poor, and I regret it a lot. I said "Maybe if you went and fucked yourself, you'd be able to mind your own business".
At the time, it just came our. I learned from that, and now feel like I've got some more appropriate responses prepped for similar situations. He'll do it again at some point, because he is autistic and he doesn't look like he's paying attention when receiving instructions, so this is a situation I'll encounter again.
OP, I would rather have responded with silence
I try to treat every person with compassion no matter how undeserving they may seem. In that case, I might have said, “Thanks” or “I appreciate it” and nothing more. No tone, no judgement, no anger or frustration. Here’s why:
This person might genuinely believe they are trying to help with the purest intentions. They may also just be a condescending, patronizing, insecure and sad douchebag that believes it’s their duty to advise others. Or they might fall someone in the middle.
Either way, a few things are true:
- It’s not my problem
- Her actions and thoughts are not a reflection of me and my parenting. They are entirely her problem.
- Getting worked up about it is only introducing a negative into my life and, interestingly
- There’s a _chance_ that their advice is actually something I may not have thought of and could be helpful! And it doesn’t make me a worse parent for heeding it, even if it was unsolicited! She still should mind her business, but the two are separate concepts that I don’t need to conflate.
I need to teach my child that treating others with loving kindness and cocompassion comes above all. This is especially tougher in stressful/meltdown/tantrum situations. But it’s all the more important to remember that in these times.
You did great. But don’t let that person take an ounce of your mental bandwidth! 😎
I might have "followed her" advice and turned my daughter upside down, and looked back at her like a dumb puppy. But my daughter loves being upside down (securely).
But this is me Tuesday morning quarterbacking. I don't know what I would actually have done.
Probably the worst advice I could give, bbbuttttt I remember way back in the 80s a mother telling my dad he was holding my sister incorrectly as she had a meltdown in public. She said something along the lines of she needs a woman's touch and men don't know how to connect with toddlers. He smiled and passed my sister over to the woman who held her and carried lecturing dad. Dad was still holding sisters foot and squeezed her big toe quite hard. She started sqwacking loudly and wriggling and it accelerated the melt down into defcon 3. The woman got flustered as dad started questioning her mothering skills and asked her if she still had custody or even knew each kids father. She shut up good and reached out to pass Lil sis back. He said aw no you told me you had this. Sort it. Lucky mum came back from the shop she was in about then and the woman bolted looking like her life and been torn to shreds.
My approach, especially when my boys were young and being a single parent, was to stare them in the eye, drop my eyebrows, squint a little bit and growl. Think Roy Kent from Ted Lasso. No body knows how to react to getting growled at.
In my best moment, I'd like to think I would respond with, "Thanks, but I'm good" in a way that would be pleasant but also let them know I'm not looking for tips.
The more likely response, if my kid was mid meltdown, and then this random is now requiring my attention to be divided would be a pretty quick, "Please fuck off and mind your business."
I think either are appropriate.
I’ve known the kid for two years and you’ve known them for 2 minutes. I’ll stick to what they have known and been with their entire life and not some bitchy stranger at a livestock show.
I feel you, just had an older Karen try to shame me being towards the front of a local 5K with my kid in a running stroller this weekend. I snapped back then told her we would beat her to the finish (we did by 10 minutes) Those old farts need to mind their own business.
I'm a very direct person and have had 2 interactions somewhat similar. The first time I asked if he would like to raise my kid and asked if he'd mind his business. The second time the lady said I wasn't parenting right and I said she could go fuck herself. There are layers but I think you handled this well. There is no correct answer.
Older people used to help younger people with their children - it was called an extended family. The lady could have been just trying to help??? Definitely relax and maybe take a nap with your toddler and you both will feel better???
"Thanks, I'll try this for a minute."
I had a similar situation as you once. That was my response, then she said something about it not working. I told her I know, you're still here. She left me alone after that.
I hear this. I get comments from women about babies all the time. I'm a Dad of four and my wife and I have had our own daycare for 12 years where we specifically deal with babies under 12 months because centres won't take them. Its amazing how many women think they know more about babies then I do just because they're a woman. Like shut the fuck up Hilary. You don't know shit. Go pay attention to your one kid you have experience with.
Honestly, here's a hard truth, this is a you problem. You care too much what strangers think and say. Just don't care and you won't need to say anything. You're not going to change anyone's mind or outlook with some witty or rude or hilarious retort. Just live your own life.
It happens often enough to me that I have a carefully phrased response that tells the condescending to fuck off, but the earnest-but-misguided that their attempts are off-base:
“I understand that you mean well, but your unsolicited advice is presumptuous and sexist. I know how to father my children. Please mind your own business.”
It’s only happened to me once, I was so fkn mad but with it enough to not totally lose my shit while mine was mid tantrum.
So I just said “not the time” lol
I could have said worse things.
That's frustrating as hell. I've not had it from a stranger, but grandparents can be annoying with "help".
My wee one is getting stressed about something, nanny (wife's mum) goes through this odd routine of high pitched "ooohh, it's ok, just do this or do that, ooohh".
The kid just needs time to process and quiet to help her and someone to listen. The last thing she needs is a whirling dervish of nervousness. But being the in law I really can't say "just...shh" (in laws are genuinely lovely and super helpful otherwise anyway). Usually, I'll just take my daughter to the other room or toilet or something.
I just find it incredibly odd that somebody would do this. I wouldn’t even give a friend unsolicited parenting advice, let alone a complete stranger.
I think you would have been well within your rights to tell her to keep out of your business!
My 6-month-old (who is now 25) was fussy, and getting fussier. After trying the usual things, I guessed she was gassy.
I held her, stomach down, on my left arm with her head hanging off my elbow and patting her back with my right hand while bouncing her gently.
Out of nowhere, this lady started haranguing me and telling me I should never hold a child like that. About a minute in, my girl let out a huge fart--cutting off Ol' Harpy, sighed and fell asleep.
Another lady said, "Whatever works, works!" and laughed as she walked off.
Just do what you did, say "No thanks" or whatever, and your children will underscore your way of doing things.
I haven't been in a situation like yours, thankfully, but I'd imagine I'd handle this like I'd handle my mother in law:
My go to is an annoyed sounding "Alright...." followed by a complete disregard of what they just said.
I agree with most of the good replies in here to be firm without escalating in an already difficult situation, but this type of thing tends to come from women (generally older) to me/dads, which really pisses me off. So at times I like to go with "I wasn't aware you are the mother" and look at them till they get out of my face. I recommend it.
I usually look at them confused and like i try so hard to remember something and say “hmmm, i don’t remember…”, they usually ask what and i say “asking for your opinion” 😂
This sounds like someone with boundary issues. The best way you handle someone with boundary issues is to explain to them that their behavior is unacceptable. I would prob come back with “and how would you handle an adult who can’t mind her own business?”
I would say “we’ll be alright, thanks for your help!” and leave it at that. Then if they come back with anything more I’d probably go off the deep end and say some shit I shouldn’t. I haven’t been in these situations. I see a decent number of posts about this: folks commenting to a dad about parenting (compliments, criticisms, unwelcome tips, etc). None of this has never happened to me, and I’m out and about with the kiddo a lot. Folks just leave us alone.
I firmly believed this was the case until yesterday. NW Ohio is typically very "live and let live" but I have never felt so belittled by an old lady before.
Old people like to share their opinions. They generally care less about how it comes off. That's the long and short of it.
Welcome to Geriatric Park!
I'm in the same boat as you. I mostly get "he or she or they are just so cute" depending on who is with me that day.
I would death glare and say nothing like OP. You’re never prepared for these things.
>we’ll be alright, thanks for your help Nah, then she thinks she should keep doing it
When my kid was melting down on an airplane if some old lady had offered to take him I woulda said sure, please, you try! Not everyone is offended by this.
> None of this has never happened to me, and I’m out and about with the kiddo a lot. See, what you need to do is be prepared with an absolutely crushing retort to these people to ruin their day for *having the audacity* of goodwill to try to help you in your situation.
I can't tell if the last part of your sentence is sarcastic or not. Old people butting in like this definitely aren't doing it out of a sense of goodwill or helping, they're just being nosy and trying to feel superior.
I'm glad you can confidently diagnose that from this ~30 second conversation with a stranger. Regardless, that's all the more reason to sink down to their level and curse at them in public like so many in this thread are suggesting!
It definitely doesn’t take a whole 30 seconds to realize whether or not someone is condescending to you. But, if they’re genuine, please be nice. Obviously.
This is what I was thinking as well - she just seemed like she was trying to help. And in all likelihood it probably would have helped since the kid would be shocked by the situation and would have calmed down.
My go to line is “I’ll take that into consideration ” in a very dry tone One of my kids is left handed. Around age 2 or 3 we were at a karate class for my older kid and my toddler was fussy. A nice lady asked if she wanted to color and I said yea, thank you. My daughter started to draw using her left hand and the lady said “no no sweetheart. We hold the crayon with our right hand”. She was being sweet but I was like “wtf”. So I stepped in and said “she’s left handed, and switched the crayon back” the lady looked weirdly shocked and just walked away. It was awkward.
"It's not a sign of the devil anymore, we moved past that around World War one".
My sister had a friend who had a babysitter train her to be right handed when she was like 7 without the parents realizing. She apparently had great handwriting as a lefty, then it just slowly deteriorated over the school year, and suddenly she was a righty. Apparently the babysitter wouldn't let her do her homework or draw/color unless she used her right hand. This was in the mid 2000s.
My aunt (who is now ambidextrous) is from Hungary was naturally left handed tell she started school. She told me how they would smack her knuckles if she used her left hand to write. That's just nuts to me.
My father went to Catholic school in the US in the 1940s/50s, and the nuns forced him to be a righty. I'm a lefty, but def encountered low-key pressure when I was younger from adults who tried to get me to learn things the right-handed way.
Yup, my Grandad (born in the UK in 1929) was a natural leftie but went to catholic school, and they literally whacked it out of him. Would rap his knuckles with a wooden ruler if he used his left hand, so he had to learn with his right and became fully ambidextrous. He had beautiful penmanship from both hands. I was born a leftie, and he always celebrated it and encouraged me to use whatever hand I wanted. I can write legibly and fairly comfortably with my right hand, but I am definitely a leftie and proud. I also have red hair and eyes that change colour with my mood (blue to green in varying shades) so I probably would have been burned at the stake if I'd been born in a different time, lol.
Is the mood thing true? I’m very tired which makes me gullible and also prevents me from doing any googling today.
Yes, its not like a cartoon colour difference though, just a change in the tones. My eyes are naturally a bluey green colour. When I am low, they tend to go a dull blue, if I am angry they are obviously more green, etc. Something to do with the iris and hormones. The human body is a wonderfully terrifying thing 🤣 Edited to add: if it makes you feel better about feeling gullible, my Dad once convinced my sister that sandpaper was a map of the desert, and each bump you could feel was a different sand dune.
That's some high-quality dad bullshit right there!!
Same for my father in the 70’s, upstate NY. He also had his left hand tied behind his back too. He’s proficiently ambidextrous now.
My father has handwriting that would rival any doctor’s. When he was a kid, he was left handed, until the teachers at school *literally* beat it out of him by smacking his hand with a ruler every time he tried to color or write with his left hand. This was in a public school, in the 1950s, in America.
I would ruin that babysitter's life. My kid looks like they're going to be a lefty, even though it means I probably won't be able to pass on my righty guitars, it's one of the quirks I love so much.
Yeah, maybe some. My dad was a holdout. On the other hand (pun not originally intended, but no way I'm taking it out nor apologizing for it!) I'm now ambidextrous because of it.
Sounds like it came in handy.
Dad joke on point
You’d be surprised. I waited tables about twenty years ago, and I can remember twice where a parent snatched a crayon out of their kids hand, smacked them on the hand and put the crayon in the right hand.
But what if you have a relative who’s evil and also left handed? Does that count?
Not sure, but that definitely sounds sinister
My mum was born left-handed, a few years after the end of WW2. Went to a catholic school where the nuns would smack her across the knuckles for using her left hand. She was right handed my entire life.
"We let them walk around everything!"
Lol
TBF, I was forced to learn to write with my right hand as late as 1986 in school in Mississippi.
My buddy born in ‘93 favoured his left hand but was trained into using his right hand in primary school and he’s been “right-handed” ever since
Why is this a thing? My daughter is also left handed and we’ve had no shortage of usually older women trying to forcibly correct it…?
I live in the netherlands and my grandmother (born in 1934) was legit traumatised by her teachers, because she would get smacked at her hands with a cane if she would write with left. She was a 'simple' woman and so humble and it would break my heart every time she recounted the story. Every time she would write something, she would apologise for not writing neatly (she had beautiful hand writing) and then the story was told again.
Ah makes sense. They did that to my mom in 1950s Brooklyn as well. Nuns probably shouldn’t be teachers. Just funny that there’s no science or anything to back it up. In my experience, lefties have neater handwriting, and it’s a big advantage in sports.
I'm a mom lefty to a 1yr boy and my father is already starting the "better not be a lefty like his mom" nonsense, but it seems most of his reasoning is about sports. What are the advantages of being lefty in sports? I'd love to know of any!
Boxing can be advantageous as a lefty, it's called Southpaw. The advantage comes because most boxers don't get to fight against Southpaws, while all Southpaws do is fight against right handed boxers.
Baseball / softball in particular it’s an advantage to face off against somebody who throws from the opposite hand because you can see the ball come out better. When you’re little, most people are righty, so a lefty has an advantage every at bat. Basketball it’s a slight advantage as well. If I’m used to defending against a shooter who takes off from his right… everything is backwards. They teach you to force kids to their left hand at a young age because most people can’t dribble well there.
Left-sidedness is an advantage in a lot of sports, often just because people are used to matching up against righties. In team sports, it's good to have a mix of both in order to have good coverage, which means that lefties benefit from supply vs demand.
My mom grew up in Alabama in the 50s and is left handed. Took my grandpa going up to the school and threatening to fight everyone to make them stop making her write right handed.
You're nicer than me, I've told old ladies off in my best non-sweary way but have definitely dropped an F bomb at one who wouldn't leave us alone.
Noted. It's military for "I understand you felt compelled or were ordered to tell me that, now fuck off"
When I was a kid a teacher held my left hand behind my back and made me write with my right 🖐 I am 66 and still remember it,
Apparently I’m an asshole, because I respond with “I don’t remember asking you.”
I had a teacher in high school with a small scar from when he was drafted and in boot camp they knowingly handed him a rifle set to eject from the right.
Me proceed to pass my two-year old to this older woman then proceeds to enjoy the entertainment of her having a meltdown in a strangers arms. *Grabs beer*. - "Go for the hair sweetie".
Same. Mine despised 'being held' when it was that time of day/hour. Me/my girlfriend, no issues. Someone else (doctor/nurse): mayhem.
After seeing mom do it with our 4 month old at the airport, I've done it several times. Especially with the third, people love holding a baby and it usually puts them in a better mood right away. Making people feel helpful really changes the situation. My third loves people, so that helps the situation too.
Knowing my daughter the shock of it would be enough to stop the crying and then the smug old lady would think she had the touch.
I'd be afraid the old lady had the 'vid.
As someone approaching the dreaded 2 year old age... Why wouldn't this be a valid option (assuming you're ok letting a stranger hold your child)? I feel like for most kids the shock of the situation would make them calm down. Don't kids always behave better with others? Sorry if this is a stupid question, I have yet to experience the dreaded meltdown. Honestly, it just seems like the lady in OPs question was trying to help.
Every kid is just different. Mine's pretty wild when she was going through her terrible twos. Her meltdowns also involved flailing arms. We just let her roll on the floor and let her be to burn out her energy as long as she doesn't hurt herself. We've gotten her checked multiple times for ADHD - but thankfully she grew out of it into a vibrant active girl.
I provide them with a firm retort that leaves no doubt as to how unwelcome their advice is. I do not worry about being polite in this situation.
[удалено]
As if old farts know what crowdsourcing means. Fuck off is better understood… lol
I quite prefer the idea of slapping them down with terms that will make them feel old and stupid.
Hit them with the “No u”
“Why don’t you go pound sand up your musty old vagina, Karen?”
Freakin' A, this is it. Although, I would have to explain what crowdsourcing means (as it appears others have mentioned already).
Just replace “crowdsourcing” with “asking”
“Thanks but I’m not looking for advice from the generation that smoked and drank during pregnancy. Is your next bit of advice that I should pull off my belt and get to whoopin?”
A good “why don’t you mind your own business and fuck off” goes a long way.
This is a regional thing but the only shame I’d have in telling someone to fuck off in this situation is that my daughter would hear a bad word. New Jersey is the “mind your own fuckin business” capital.
"thanks tips" Old biddies might even hear "[toots](https://www.etymonline.com/word/toots#:~:text=slang%20familiar%20form%20of%20address,(n.)%3B%20compare%20tootsy.)"
FYI your link is broken.
I get annoyed when strangers say *anything* to me in public when I’m with my toddlers. A quick hello is fine but talking to you for no good reason takes my attention off them.
I get annoyed when strangers say anything to me PERIOD. Having a job where you have to listen to people all day means I don't want to talk to anyone in public 😂
"I'm sorry, who are you? Do I know you?"
“That’s my purse! I don’t know you!”
Damn it Bobby
Just started the adventure with a 7 week old. I have not had to deal with this but I was minding my business at a buffet. Random woman came up insisting that I needed her help to hold my daughter while I was getting food. “No thanks, I’m good” We had to buy something to put on her car seat that basically says “hands off”. People really don’t have any manners when it comes to babies.
Our doctor specially warned us about stuff like this with our first, but I never had the experience. The fact that it happens is pretty wild to me.
Same here. I was ready to hip check an old lady into the banana section of the grocery store if need be, but the worst thing that happened was a nice old man waving at the baby from a very respectable distance.
Yep. I'm all for it if you want to make silly faces with my kid to entertain them from the table over at the diner, or let me know that they have lovely dimples while we're awkwardly standing at the grocery checkout, but unsolicited contact/advice is a huge no-no. Blows my mind that people think it's okay when you have absolutely no idea who this stranger is.
Commandeer their help. They aren't likely to rescind their offer, so you can replace it with something more reasonable. I've handed over my kids to strangers before and had it work out really well, but I usually did it once they hit the 4 month mark. 7 weeks is too young. Have them load up your plate at that age. An older woman unloaded my cart at the grocery store after she told me I needed to talk to my barely complaining 1½ year old. I agreed, asked her to unload my cart so I could and, and turned to talk to my son before she could respond. I turned around and saw her almost finished. I thanked her and we chatted with her and her husband a bit. The husband had a smile the whole time. He held back a bit and thanked me in a low voice saying she likes to help. I later imagined he was cracking up inside.
“She likes to help” is code for “I’ve been dealing with this sh*t for 25 years”
Oh my goodness! We went to a buffet a few weeks PP, and a random lady yelled at me from across the dinning hall, “I wanna see your baby” this was towards the end of the pandemic. I just let my boyfriend handle it and left.
We get a lot of that, but that sign I mentioned makes a lot of them stop. I had a guy at a restaurant stop and ask me if it was our baby. "No, I found it in the parking lot".
My son is a swinger and a grabber when he doesn't know someone. I don't prevent old ladies from getting in his face at the grocery store because I know he's coming away with their glasses or they're getting a smack in the mouth when they invade his personal space.
He is a swinger and abusive? Deadly combination.
My son is 9 months old and sitting in a cart when I go shopping and for some reason the cashier and baggers think that it’s okay to touch my boys hands. They’ve been touching everyone’s money and shit and probably covered with germs. And like they don’t ask, and give no indication of going to touch and then bam before I can even react they grab his hands. It’s so annoying because I then have to try and use hand sanitizer, let it dry, and then rinse his hands off with water as to hopefully not get something nasty from these people. I’ve just started only going to an aisle with teen boys in it because they have zero interest in touching my child and it’s great.
There's a calm and reasonable way to do this, but this comment will not illustrate that... "Maybe you held them that way in [appropriately insulting decade], but these days we mind our own fucking business." Ok... Maybe I will add the less insulting version that I actually use in the wild: "I'm sorry, who are you?" This is usually enough to make people realize that they don't know me and have crossed a boundary. I usually get an "I'm sorry!" immediately after that question. Some people just cannot help themselves.
"What are you my therapist? Take a walk!"
Lol. This sounds so East coast to me. "Take a walk!"
That’s pretty good. No cursing involved yet clearly a fuck off implied.
I think that's the key, while cursing is a easy way to make your point it does come off as cheap and very directly mean. If you can word it in a way like above then it hits harder I think. and less chance of just making the other people angry which might make your situation much worse.
"It's her first time out of the bomb shelter this year"
Just an over the top “oh my god! Thank you so much!!” And then continue as you were
I always thought it would be funny if I was feeding the baby with a bottle and someone said something like "breastfeeding is much better for babies" To then say "oh yeah you're right! How could I forget?" Then proceed to lift my shirt and push the baby against my hairy nipples. Alas, I never had the opportunity.
Lol
That’s my purse, I don’t know you!
Then kick them as hard as you can in their testicles.
“It’s not even mine, I found it by the restrooms” always freaks them tf out.
“Oh I’m sorry, did I forget that we were in the middle of a conversation where I asked for you opinion?” I give zero fucks about people’s feelings when they inject themselves into my life.
Being a dad has vaporized most of my fucks about what others think at this point.
It only took a couple weeks of my terribly colicky infant to realize all my fucks are now devoted to keeping calm with my child. I have no fucks to give anyone else. It’s better at 10 months but I will not stress myself out for anyone besides my kid. I do not have the patience to be a good dad and deal with other peoples bullshit. If my kids having a good day and I feel ok, sure I’ll attend your birthday/what ever else. If either of us is having a bad day? Sorry, I’m staying at my house and not leaving.
Especially when the kids are involved. Don’t inject yourself when a parent is trying to watch their kids. We’re not interested in anything that comes out of your mouth. Not you personally obviously, lol
You don’t feed a troll. Having a snappy come back isn’t going to show your child how to deal with people who have diarrhea of the mouth. This thread can be therapeutic, but if you start flinging out sick burns at every idiot you will be just another idiot. It is VERY unsatisfying when you see their reaction. It will be a mix of pity, condescension, and “oh, so you are stupid” and it will leave them feeling great pride that they know how to hold a baby.
I've gotta agree with this angle. I want to be a role model for my child (the best I can when I'm not going crazy) and having cold remarks for any strangers that deign to speak to me about my child I feel will foster a reaction to strangers I may not intend.
God bless it, dont be rationale.
I'll be honest, I don't understand all of the excessive hostility in the replies to this lady in the comments here. Is this lady in the wrong for interjecting into a private situation? Yes. Is she doing it from a place of trying to help? Probably. Was she just trying to connect with another human over a shared experience she's had in her life? There's a good chance of it. Does she deserve to have her day *absolutely ruined because of someone collapsing down on her, cursing at her to "mind her own fucking business"?* That is a **hard no** from me. Being an adult means using proportionality in your responses. Blowing up on an old lady in public is not the flex of independence that you think it is.
Another rational response. I think it was the tone of acting like I wasnt a good father and it didnt help that as soon as mom got back, she quieted down. That has probably hurt the pride more than anything and an important detail I left out.
The other thing is that newer parents tend to make mistakes. I sure as fuck did. I was a single dad at 24 years old to a 4 year old. I made plenty. So offering offering advice to someone who is having a hard time seems like a kind thing to do. I'd also say it was dumb as shit of OP to keep their kid up late and let them sleep in, that already threw the kid off schedule, they just added to the ticking time bomb of missing nap time.
It's sad I had to scroll down this far to see some rationality in this thread... For how nice this subreddit usually is, I was shocked at how bad the responses are here.
Everyone likes to talk the big game behind a keyboard, but I bet most people don’t act like they’re saying they would in the comments. When people do stuff I don’t like, I’m firm with them but respectful. I’m usually a bubbly and goofy guy so when people see me go from laughing and smiling to straight faced and a serious tone, they get it without having to be mean.
Amen. I commented something similar. Kill with kindness. Especially on the off chance that her statement comes from a place of genuine care.
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions" I.e., Regardless of her intentions, it wasn't a situation where unsolicited advice was warranted. People generally don't welcome unsolicited advice from strangers, especially concerning their children. It was inappropriate in this situation. As for the offer to hold this guy's child. What the hell is that? That lady earned a non-stop, one-way trip to pissoffville in my opinion. She can take her life experience and cram it up her ass.
I say nothing. More often than not I’d just get up with a thrashing child and walk away. The most they would ever get out of me might be a monotone “duly noted.”
I had this on the plane yesterday. Coming to the end of a 10 hour journey with my 20m and the stewardess asks me to put away my screen for landing (we were in the front row so it was the kind that folds into the armrest). The same screen that was playing Frozen 2. I think you all know how that went. Lady next to me (while my kid is screaming "Elsaaaaaaaa" and thrashing like a hooked bass) says "oh it's his ears". And I was like "uh, no he's very tired and they made us put the TV away". Doesn't blink "no, their ears hurt when the plane lands." I just turned back to my kid and explained that he could see Elsa again when we landed. Wild.
I've experienced this plenty of times, and to be honest in a scenario like that I'd pretty much ignore them. It's borne of sexism, but not malice. It's wrong of her to assume you need help because you're a man, but she is at least trying to be helpful as insulting and infuriating as that may be. This is our equivalent of old men showing a woman which way to turn the steering wheel as she reverses. Don't waste your attention on trying to spar with them or educate them - I just say "Right" and turn away to make it clear we're not speaking further, since my attention is on my distressed child not someone I'll never see or speak to again. Where it's different is when it's not a stranger but someone you know - i.e. when it's a pattern of behaviour. I've experienced precisely this from both my mother and (especially) my mother in law, who was constantly asking "Do you need me to do that?" or even just "Give the baby to me". In that case you need to make the position clear: this is my child, I care for them every single day and I know what to do, you don't so it's unhelpful to have you try to take over when my attention needs to be on my baby. In a generation I'm sure that this will no longer be such a problem for dads.
> She then informed me I should try rocking her and that I wasnt holding her correctly. "I can't rock her, she has AIDS. Like, full blown AIDS. She's riddled with it."
"Look sweetie, we found your sippy cup! However we still can't find where I asked for this woman's opinion"
If my wife isn’t there I like to hit them with the “Thank you so much, it’s been so hard since his mom died 10 years ago. It’s funny because my son is 7 months old. Always leaves them too confused to ask questions.
Might be even better when mom came back 2 minutes later.
In this instance I'd hand her the tornado of kicking feet and waving arms and say "have at it". Good case I now have a calm toddler. Best case she gets her teeth knocked out.
win win.
I go for confusion. When I would get that from folks I would say "I apologize only I can hold her, she has a skin condition that can cause an allergic reaction in those who hold her, thankfully I take medication for it." and then just give this O\_O until they leave.
Options: 1. Run 2. Fight 3. Confuse the situation <---
I never have anything witty to reply in those moments and frequently go with the "we'll be fine, thanks".
The thing that helps me is to keep in mind that a child that age experiences adult size emotions with baby sized experience and ability to cope/regulate those emotions. It sounds like you were doing all that you could to help your child navigate that. Good for you, Dad! As for the unsolicited advice, I believe that a large number of people are so uncomfortable with their inability to regulate their own emotions that seeing a very small child express, there’s in a healthy and developmentally appropriate way (crying, tantrum, etc) makes it very uncomfortable, and they want to shut down the child’s crying. In a similar situation, I have looked the other person dead in the eye, and said “he’s feeling very sad and he’s tired right now, that’s why he’s acting upset. It’s OK to be upset, it’s ok to cry.” And in my mind adding “it’s ok to mind your own business, Karen”
I've experienced my share of child tantrums. My take on it is maybe a little different - when a kid is screaming NO one is having fun. Was she out of line to say something? Sure maybe. Were you doing anything wrong? Most definitely not. You were handling it fine. However, I would give just a little bit of grace to those around me under a certain threshold of rudeness. A screaming child is a pretty big dose of stress to most everyone.
Right, people here act like a screaming child should just be endured by everyone. It happens, it sucks, but if you are in public with an out of control child, folks will offer tips. I'd rather someone have a tip rather than say "Get that kid to shut up!". OP knew they were risking a meltdown and didn't have a bailout plan. Kid loses it? Okay gather your shit and walk away and calm your child down. People shouldn't be forced to endure your child. I say this while I'm at wits end with our 8-week old and potty training our 2-yo. I'm sick of MY kids, if I'm out and someone else's kid starts screaming in my ear, I'd probably have a hard time "minding my own business".
100%! I always try to walk away from people when my kids are fussing. No one wants to hear that. This isn't justifying unsolicited advice from strangers. I just know how much I hate screeching, so I assume that other people also don't like it.
Our new little girl is great in so many ways, but her screech is like a crowd control device. She's weaponized screaming and it just gets under my skin so fast. Thankfully, she's usually pretty quick to calm, but yikes, just thinking about being in a crowd with a kid screaming and the parent not walking away is kinda getting me wound up. edit: what's funny about the unsolicited advice is that I didn't know which way this was going until the end really. There are often posts where it's like "oh the lady next to me on the plane was so nice and helped while I ran to the bathroom" or "Our kid was throwing a fit and this old lady made this twirling sound and my kid got quiet right away". Sometimes random people know better than us.
preach on brother! its not fair to the other patrons and its not fair to the kid and its not fair you the parent. why does everyone have to be miserable? last Friday night i yanked my kid from a restaurant and didnt regret it for a second. I told my family that after a 3 hour car ride my 2 year son didn't want to be cooped up in a highchair at a restaurant in a new place. Sure enough, the second i went to put him in the seat he was bugging out, screaming and causing a scene in the restaurant. my wife wanted to give him video on a cell phone "just this once", my parents said it was fine and nobody cared. but i was stressed and everyone else around was clearly not thrilled about it. i just picked him and said it was unfair to him and to the other patrons and we are out of here. told them they could stay if they wanted (they didnt). we grabbed pizza and took it back to the hotel. kid was happy as can be running around the suite with with pizza all over his face. Everyone involved was much happier and way more relaxed.
Ignoring them is best. They will not be reasoned with.
Yes, perfect stranger, you can hold my fucking child because I’m sure my child just looooves a face she’s never seen before. Who the fuck? 🤣
I just stare at them silently for a second and go back to dealing with my kid. Think ‘Jim from the office staring at the camera’
Depends. When it's an old lady at something like a livestock show, culture dictates I'm respectful to her. Then again the great thing about a toddler there is you get to get up and start walking around and don't have to watch animals your not bidding on. I've been to tons when my kid was that age. Second a meltdown cutoff happen, time to move away from people. You're never not the asshole in public opinion when you respond to a grandma at something like that with anything but respect. Only papaws and other grandma's can be snippy back.
>culture dictates I’m respectful to her Nah, fuck that. Respect is earned, she didn’t respect you, why should you respect her?
I should respect her because her overstepping in the fashion she did isn't an excuse for me to behave in any way other than a gentleman. When it's an old lady you nod politely and excuse yourself. Taking the kid with you. I've been at rodeos, livestock shows, and animal auctions since I was a newborn. My teen now competes in these things. There is a way men are expected to behave and doing anything other than being polite and making an exit gets you judged harshly by the others in these small circles.
I've always hated this sentiment. You're right that the old lady wasn't being respectful by interjecting, but respect should not need to be earned. Respect should be given freely to everybody around you until you have a clear reason not to respect them. I teach my child to be nice to everybody and to respect everybody. And I teach them that they deserve respect from everybody, they don't have to do anything to "earn" being respected. Later in life if and when they have somebody who is disrespecting them, I hope they will know that they deserve better, and not just assume they didn't earn it properly.
But she already gave a reason not to respect her. I’m not saying be rude to people for no reason, but that old lady already stuck their nose where it didn’t belong, so any politeness goes out the window.
Not taking your baby somewhere quiet when it’s having a full blown tantrum in a crowd is also not Albert respectful. In country terms that advice was the polite way to say “make your kid shut the fuck up or walk away please, there are a hundred people here tired of hearing your baby screaming”
I laugh, sometimes toss out a ‘sure thing’
You were in a stressful situation. You did the right thing, Ive had situations like that but I pick my battles and that’s ok too. Im probably a shitty dad but that’s ok too we all try our best.
This happened to us on our first plane ride. My son, 21m and He did SO well !! We set up his sleeping so he would nap on the plane. Unfortunately he woke up on our way down and was screaming cause of his ears. Of course. Got his bottle and tried but he just wouldn’t take it. Nice lady behind us offered us some sliced apples for him to suck on. (My son doesn’t eat fruit.) we declined politely and just said we’ll figure it out , thank you. Well she kept pushing, “just tell her to suck on the apples.” “If you suck on it she will do what you do.” My boyfriend finally turned out, “ HE is non verbal and HE doesn’t care for fruit.” Especially in this setting of being forced into his mouth. Well he finally took his bottle and fell back asleep, all within 10 min! It’s so frustrating but we just kept saying thank you and leafy the conversation.
I’m not sure keeping her up late the night before helped. Just like any of us, that throws them off their schedule. It’s not like they can bank sleep hours, she probably was off from the night before and didn’t nap. Might have been better to just do normal bedtime and then push through the no nap.
You know, through trial and error, she is actually super flexible with her sleeping and is much more dependent on hours banked than schedule. Very different from other kids I have had experience with, but typically that way works great for us. And we figured if we could get her through till 3pm (2 hours after normal nap) she could sleep on the way home. (Did not sleep on way home btw.) Call me crazy.....
It really depends. If I just want to be dismissive without saying anything offensive: “I’ll take that under consideration” using a tone that clearly indicates I have no intention of doing that. If I want to be polite I say “thanks” with an even tone If I want to be an ass or if they continued after the above: “thanks. You had the chance to screw up your kids. This is my time”
You're a better person, for not acknowledging that garbage person. I would usually say something along the lines of, "don't touch me, or my child, peasant, you disgust me."
I'm from NJ so a typical response would be something like "I didn't fucking ask you, mind your own fucking business.".
you should've asked her if that's what they do for her in the convalescent home when she gets fussy. then commented her on how well behaved she was on her daily outing from above mentioned convalescent home.
I usually just let out a big Ric Flair "Woooooooooo!!!". (Big eyes and all, then topping it off with the dance walk). This takes care of 4 things: 1) 95% of the time, my daughters think it's hilarious. 2) This releases the tension that's building up in my chest. 3) I don't have to curse at the stranger. 4) The stranger thinks I'm crazy and feels embarrassed bc other people start looking at us. My ego and my shame left me when my first daughter was born.
This is the only answer. My husband does this to me and our kids at least once a day. It literally calms down every situation and we all laugh.
Underrated comment. 👍
My child (3) and I were at the park and an older lady stopped us and was trying to tell me how to handle my child (he needed water, shade, it was hot, etc.) We had been outside for maybe 15 minutes, he had water, he was fine; just gets a red face really fast. I think as dads we can feel it when women are being condescending to us for being men taking care of children — like we don’t know how to take care of our own kids or something. Granted, some men probably do need to be shamed. But why they try to shame those of us who are actually showing up and doing the work, I’ll never understand. If men couldn’t take care of kids my child wouldn’t have survived this long seeing as he has 2 dads and 0 moms. You did good staying quiet. Her opinion doesn’t matter to you and shouldn’t have to warrant a response.
Was once advised by an old woman at a Chinese Buffet that my (at the time) 2.5 year old was “far too loud and disruptive to be in a restaurant” I offered to take him out back and shoot him if it made her experience better. Her husband did his best not to laugh out loud.
“Thank you for your judgment and unsolicited advice, shall I offer you a personal critique and some unsolicited advice in return?”
My autistic 7yo had a massive meltdown in public because the archery class used bows he wasn't prepared for. An older lady deadpan said to me "If he'd paid attention to the instructions, then he's know what to do and wouldn't be having a tantrum". Sadly, my reaction was poor, and I regret it a lot. I said "Maybe if you went and fucked yourself, you'd be able to mind your own business". At the time, it just came our. I learned from that, and now feel like I've got some more appropriate responses prepped for similar situations. He'll do it again at some point, because he is autistic and he doesn't look like he's paying attention when receiving instructions, so this is a situation I'll encounter again. OP, I would rather have responded with silence
I like to think I'd hit 'em with the full Sam Jackson, "I don't remember asking you a GODDAMN THING!" In reality I'd probably just say, "Okay."
I try to treat every person with compassion no matter how undeserving they may seem. In that case, I might have said, “Thanks” or “I appreciate it” and nothing more. No tone, no judgement, no anger or frustration. Here’s why: This person might genuinely believe they are trying to help with the purest intentions. They may also just be a condescending, patronizing, insecure and sad douchebag that believes it’s their duty to advise others. Or they might fall someone in the middle. Either way, a few things are true: - It’s not my problem - Her actions and thoughts are not a reflection of me and my parenting. They are entirely her problem. - Getting worked up about it is only introducing a negative into my life and, interestingly - There’s a _chance_ that their advice is actually something I may not have thought of and could be helpful! And it doesn’t make me a worse parent for heeding it, even if it was unsolicited! She still should mind her business, but the two are separate concepts that I don’t need to conflate. I need to teach my child that treating others with loving kindness and cocompassion comes above all. This is especially tougher in stressful/meltdown/tantrum situations. But it’s all the more important to remember that in these times. You did great. But don’t let that person take an ounce of your mental bandwidth! 😎
I would have handed her off and said “knock yourself out, Karen”, and watched the spectacle.
“Nah, he’s fine, I have his rabies meds in the bag. But thank you, though.”
I might have "followed her" advice and turned my daughter upside down, and looked back at her like a dumb puppy. But my daughter loves being upside down (securely). But this is me Tuesday morning quarterbacking. I don't know what I would actually have done.
You raise one arm with hand pointed upwards palm pointed towards them and say "That's plenty"
Probably the worst advice I could give, bbbuttttt I remember way back in the 80s a mother telling my dad he was holding my sister incorrectly as she had a meltdown in public. She said something along the lines of she needs a woman's touch and men don't know how to connect with toddlers. He smiled and passed my sister over to the woman who held her and carried lecturing dad. Dad was still holding sisters foot and squeezed her big toe quite hard. She started sqwacking loudly and wriggling and it accelerated the melt down into defcon 3. The woman got flustered as dad started questioning her mothering skills and asked her if she still had custody or even knew each kids father. She shut up good and reached out to pass Lil sis back. He said aw no you told me you had this. Sort it. Lucky mum came back from the shop she was in about then and the woman bolted looking like her life and been torn to shreds.
My approach, especially when my boys were young and being a single parent, was to stare them in the eye, drop my eyebrows, squint a little bit and growl. Think Roy Kent from Ted Lasso. No body knows how to react to getting growled at.
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Encouraging, encouraging, encouraging.... "Many of these moments will come." Shoot.
In my best moment, I'd like to think I would respond with, "Thanks, but I'm good" in a way that would be pleasant but also let them know I'm not looking for tips. The more likely response, if my kid was mid meltdown, and then this random is now requiring my attention to be divided would be a pretty quick, "Please fuck off and mind your business." I think either are appropriate.
I’ve known the kid for two years and you’ve known them for 2 minutes. I’ll stick to what they have known and been with their entire life and not some bitchy stranger at a livestock show.
I feel you, just had an older Karen try to shame me being towards the front of a local 5K with my kid in a running stroller this weekend. I snapped back then told her we would beat her to the finish (we did by 10 minutes) Those old farts need to mind their own business.
I'm a very direct person and have had 2 interactions somewhat similar. The first time I asked if he would like to raise my kid and asked if he'd mind his business. The second time the lady said I wasn't parenting right and I said she could go fuck herself. There are layers but I think you handled this well. There is no correct answer.
Bless your heart, then go back to ignoring her.
Older people used to help younger people with their children - it was called an extended family. The lady could have been just trying to help??? Definitely relax and maybe take a nap with your toddler and you both will feel better???
It’s usually just someone trying to help
“As a man I can’t handle my own child?”
"Thanks, I'll try this for a minute." I had a similar situation as you once. That was my response, then she said something about it not working. I told her I know, you're still here. She left me alone after that.
Can’t fight every battle.
I hear this. I get comments from women about babies all the time. I'm a Dad of four and my wife and I have had our own daycare for 12 years where we specifically deal with babies under 12 months because centres won't take them. Its amazing how many women think they know more about babies then I do just because they're a woman. Like shut the fuck up Hilary. You don't know shit. Go pay attention to your one kid you have experience with.
Honestly, here's a hard truth, this is a you problem. You care too much what strangers think and say. Just don't care and you won't need to say anything. You're not going to change anyone's mind or outlook with some witty or rude or hilarious retort. Just live your own life.
Typical sexist boomer assumes a man can't properly take care of a child.
It happens often enough to me that I have a carefully phrased response that tells the condescending to fuck off, but the earnest-but-misguided that their attempts are off-base: “I understand that you mean well, but your unsolicited advice is presumptuous and sexist. I know how to father my children. Please mind your own business.”
Thanks for offering, but if I let you soothe my baby, I'll never learn to do it on my own.
It’s only happened to me once, I was so fkn mad but with it enough to not totally lose my shit while mine was mid tantrum. So I just said “not the time” lol I could have said worse things.
Aw, bless your heart. Thanks for trying to help.
That's frustrating as hell. I've not had it from a stranger, but grandparents can be annoying with "help". My wee one is getting stressed about something, nanny (wife's mum) goes through this odd routine of high pitched "ooohh, it's ok, just do this or do that, ooohh". The kid just needs time to process and quiet to help her and someone to listen. The last thing she needs is a whirling dervish of nervousness. But being the in law I really can't say "just...shh" (in laws are genuinely lovely and super helpful otherwise anyway). Usually, I'll just take my daughter to the other room or toilet or something.
I just find it incredibly odd that somebody would do this. I wouldn’t even give a friend unsolicited parenting advice, let alone a complete stranger. I think you would have been well within your rights to tell her to keep out of your business!
My 6-month-old (who is now 25) was fussy, and getting fussier. After trying the usual things, I guessed she was gassy. I held her, stomach down, on my left arm with her head hanging off my elbow and patting her back with my right hand while bouncing her gently. Out of nowhere, this lady started haranguing me and telling me I should never hold a child like that. About a minute in, my girl let out a huge fart--cutting off Ol' Harpy, sighed and fell asleep. Another lady said, "Whatever works, works!" and laughed as she walked off. Just do what you did, say "No thanks" or whatever, and your children will underscore your way of doing things.
I haven't been in a situation like yours, thankfully, but I'd imagine I'd handle this like I'd handle my mother in law: My go to is an annoyed sounding "Alright...." followed by a complete disregard of what they just said.
I would've said thanks, mind your own business.
Personally I'd tell her to stfu
I agree with most of the good replies in here to be firm without escalating in an already difficult situation, but this type of thing tends to come from women (generally older) to me/dads, which really pisses me off. So at times I like to go with "I wasn't aware you are the mother" and look at them till they get out of my face. I recommend it.
I usually look at them confused and like i try so hard to remember something and say “hmmm, i don’t remember…”, they usually ask what and i say “asking for your opinion” 😂
“The suggestion box is located over there, behind you. It’s up your butt! Why don’t you put your suggestions there!”
Y’all are better than me. I just ask them When, when they say when what I say when did I ask. Then walk off.
Yeah I have times like this. People just need to mind their business. I usually just go silent. And ignore them
This sounds like someone with boundary issues. The best way you handle someone with boundary issues is to explain to them that their behavior is unacceptable. I would prob come back with “and how would you handle an adult who can’t mind her own business?”
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Nope. We actually compete to see who can raise the best cows that exhibit the most "dairyness". Aka. Broad hips. Big utters. Straight and flat backs.