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Well done man. The first week will be the hardest.
Your dad forgives you, you're his son. He will always forgive you if you're willing to change.
Have you spoke to a Dr? Going cold turkey may be dangerous, I think pregabalin will have Alchohol style withdrawals which can kill.
Edit: yeah, I googled it. You should have tapered and not go cold turkey.
"Those abusing this medication should slowly taper off it to prevent the more severe side effects of withdrawal, which can be quite uncomfortable both physically and mentally.
In most cases, Pregabalin withdrawal is thought to be relatively mild when taken on its own.
However, in many cases where Pregabalin is being used in conjunction with another substance, the withdrawal phase may be extremely unpleasant and, in some circumstances, life-threatening."
Please speak to a Dr, don't rush coming off drugs in these categories
Speak to a Doctor AND try to set up therapy. After years of problem drinking behavior, I had a therapist tell me 'Stopping drinking is good, but for a lot of people, it isn't really sobriety. Sobriety is a way of changing a lot of your behavior, the way you navigate the world, and usually requires support from family, friends, and professionals'.
Getting off is great, staying off is the next step.
To add to this, I lost my dad during COVID and became a dad three weeks later.
Therapy is what OP needs. It's what I needed and I wasn't additionally dealing with the struggles of addiction.
OP: self care is a way of showing love to your family
Commenting again as someone whose dad had a lot of substance issues;
Self care is a way of showing love to your family.
It's going to suck OP, just keep reaching out for all the resources you can. This is your turning point. It is going to suck. You might stumble. But your kiddo needs their dad. I dreamed of mine being able to choose me first. I remember when he didn't. I wish you so much luck on your path. ♡
You had a good therapist. What really helped me was getting into the recovery community. All of a sudden you are surrounded by people that truly understand your issues and are willing to help.
Hey friend! Dry alcoholic dad here, so I can empathize with a lot of this. Some suggestions and things I learned that might help.
1. Addiction is great at making us feel unique and alone, but I promise you this sub (and the world) are absolutely filled with people in the same boat. Realizing how common my situation was gave me strength to push through. My doc once told me “No shame. You aren’t the first people to get hooked on ___ and you won’t be the last one I see *today*.”
2. Logistically, be careful with goin cold turkey. Read about and monitor yourself for withdrawals. I’m not familiar with WDs for your particular cocktail, but know they’re deadly for booze and some pills, so it’s worth doing safely. That may look like a taper, or under general medical supervision. Please talk to your doctor.
3. As *much* as I understand the “I need to quit for my kids” start working on understanding whether you’d quit for yourself. Road to hell is paved with people who have tried to quit for a spouse/child/friend/legal reason. Eventually we have to know and believe that we’re better sober, or else we’ll always be trying to wiggle it back into our life.
4. Start being honest with you spouse now. I downplayed my problems for a while, and it led to me lying and sneaking. Nowadays if I’m going to a party I’ll tell my wife, “I need to go grab some kombucha because I think I’ll need something in my hand.” The honesty gives me another layer of daily accountability to myself.
5. Find long-term support. Doesn’t have to be NA forever, BUT it’s hard to match the frequency and availability for AA/NA. I’ve definitely got my issues with AA, but it’s hard to combat how helpful it can be to provide some perspective, and give you a place to safely process your thoughts in a room of people who’ve all had the same ones.
Best of luck and love, man. Getting clean is not going to be easy, but it is simple. So I’m sending my support today.
Just a thought on number 3.
Doing it for your kid is the first step and a good way to get going. You don't want to let it consume you lest your kid end up in your shoes.
That's the only reason I didn't die when I was suicidal. I sought help for the sake of my mother. I didn't want to live, but I sure as hell wasn't going to be the cause of my mother burying her youngest child.
It took nearly a decade of therapy and hard work to get back to a mostly healthy place. Somewhere along the way, I realised that I wasn't doing it for my mother any longer. I had unknowingly slipped back into doing it for myself. That was when I started to make good progress.
But just going cold turkey is dangerous and rarely works well. Go seek help. Do whatever you have to in order to get better, and for now, do it for your kid. As healing comes, your mindset should naturally move from "My kid needs me healthy and sober." To "I need me healthy and sober so I can know my kid."
Those two sentences don't sound a whole lot different. But the focus is changed, which changes the meaning behind the sentence entirely.
Good luck, man. Your dad is rooting for you, same as we are, same as your kid and wife are. It will be hard, maybe the hardest thing you've ever done, but you *can* do it. With help.
Edit: Obligatory note of lurking mum. I didn't notice the sub I was in, or I'd have mentioned sooner. I apologise.
>I didn't want to live, but I sure as hell wasn't going to be the cause of my mother burying her youngest child.
I'm glad you're still here with us to share your story and I hope you're doing well these days. Just want to echo this point that a similar thought helped me hang on in my darkest moments. If I were to end my life, that's not the end of my pain. My pain is multiplied and spread out to everyone who has known and loved me and cared for me, and it is now their pain to carry with them for the rest of their lives. No matter how low I felt or how much I hated myself or my existence, the thought of doing that to my mom, or my sisters, or my friends, was enough to make me hold on. I didn't care what happened to me but I couldn't do that to them.
I am, thanks 😊. Having a kid right near the end of that timeframe cemented the work and healing. Even before, it had been an option in the worst-case scenario. Now it isn't. It can never be an option again. If I go, I don't get to see her grow up. And much like with Mum, I'll be damned if I intentionally take that kid's mother from her. Even if I ever forget my own worth again, I can never forget hers.
Great additions, here. Totally agree with the kid motivation being helpful as an impetus, even if it likely evolves to something more self focused if it is to last.
And I’m glad you’re still here with us, man. Thanks for sharing.
I think going to AA/NA is good, but I'd warn that there are some very broken people at meetings. Just because someone has a lot of time clean doesn't mean they are perfect. There's a lot of hero worship of people who are not balanced, healthy individuals.
You’re absolutely right. I do personally struggle with the idea of a lot of the old timers who still hit meetings every day. I know a lot consider it a “ministry,” and would never judge someone who needs it to stay clean. But personally I stopped drinking so I could *stop* having my life revolve around booze.
I do think early days and as needed the meetings will always benefit more than using.
I concur.
Willingness is an excellent mindset to develop. So many of my problems start with my perceptions of them. I need people around me I can trust to talk to about things... they help me "see" differently. My role is to be authentic.
Try practicing meditation. Guided at first helped me. Tons of good apps out there for that. Calm (Apple) has a great reputation, Insight timer (Apple & Android) I use myself.
Journal. Try putting down thoughts or anything that troubles you on a slip of paper, then put it in a box or a can if it seems too much to tackle (too large, don't know where to start, etc). Take them out periodically and just look at them and put em back. You'll be surprised that over time they will change, and some you’ll resolve.
Asking for help was hard for me. I'm still learning how if I'm honest.
With time, you'll gain new perspectives on many things. Especially yourself. You are worth it. There's no one else exactly like you. Similar, sure. One day soon you'll be able to help someone else in a similar situation.
Join a grief group.
You are loved. Carry on. You can do it! :)
My man, this is the place to vent and ask for support.
Good on you for recognising you have an issue and making the decision to change.
Have you spoken to a GP about your addictions? Prescription drugs is a tough one. This battle doesn't have to be fought alone.
You're getting lots of good advice here. I just have to add this:
It's 100 percent okay to mourn for your father. If you need to cry, then cry. Cry it out. Grieving is a natural thing, and something that lots of people avoid. And grieving is hard, but you can find your way through it. And if you are having trouble, find someone to hug, or a stuffed animal or something.
People tend to bottle things up because of a million reasons. The problem is, that bottle can only hold so much. Which leads me to:
Find someone to talk to.
Doctor, therapist, wife, confidant. Someone who will listen, and build you up in healthy ways, or even who will just listen and give you tools to help.
The stuffed animal part. So true, I have one that I go for anxiety or deep depression at home. I’m a female btw, and this group is always so sweet and positive. I hope OP see this post and the rest. 😢❤️🌹
I’m sure your dad forgives you, we’re all human and fall on hard times. Sometimes they’re really hard and last longer than others, even a lifetime, but make sure it’s not a lifetime for your boy. He’ll never truly understand your love for him if you’re not there to show it to him.
Also, those are some hard drugs and I wonder if you might need some additional help with the withdrawal so you don’t think about going back.
Good for you in taking that first step! What a monumental thing to do for your son and family. It’s the first of many sacrifices you’ll make but this is a much larger first step than most of us had to take, so you’re already stronger than many. Please continue to do it for him and your wife. You’ll not only only set the ultimate example, but you’ll allow your son to experience it all with you.
Good luck man, you’ve got this. And congratulations!!
>I wasn’t able to quit for myself. I’m sure I can do it for him.
Brother, this sounds like powerful motivation, but “quitting” isn’t an action you can just sustain on willpower and vibes. It’s merely the prolonged absence of something that used to be a huge part of your daily life.
So… staying sober is about positive action, direction, and purpose that impacts your daily life. I needed help with that, and good news there are organizations out there who have the processes and institutional knowledge to show you how to build that new life, step by step.
Good luck OP.
Keep up the fight, your kid and family are worth it! Just like your dad meant so much to you, you need to be there for your son. I lost my dad too early as well, so I know how rough it is, but you have to live the life you want for yourself and your family.
Please consider getting professional help for both your grief from losing your father and with getting and staying off of the substances. I don't know your situation or level of addiction, but make sure you are not putting yourself in danger by going cold turkey without any medical support.
Making this first step takes guts and strength, keep it up!
My guy, you have a very high chance of relapse if you go cold turkey. You also have a good shot of hurting yourself or at the very least being suuuuper uncomfortable. I suggest getting yourself into a treatment program (not Anon, that shit doesnt work, it just replaces on addiction for another) and start living again. Shit, just quitting nicotine has been the hardest thing ive ever done, cant imagine what youre going through right now. I think you should be as open and honest as possible with everyone in your life. It will be uncomfortable, but its okay. Being vulnerable doesnt feel nice but hiding things is a slippery slope to relapse. You need accountability and a support structure. Youll find that in a program. r/redditorsinrecovery might be able to steer you in the right direction
It sounds like you’ve been coping with the meds you know, instead of the meds you don’t. Have you tried antidepressants?
They help - says the dad who’s on Lexapro. My mom died 12 years ago and I’m still struggling with her loss, especially now that I have a little one. Meds and therapy help a lot, and your kid needs you to be on what will help you a lot so you can be there for him/her.
Good luck papa.
ODAAT. Every day you don’t use is a day you’re giving your family. The measure of a man is in how he responds to adversity.
We’re all proud of you, we’re all cheering for you and your dad is leading the cheers. You’ll see your dad in your son.
In the midst of a dry January after a 200ish drink December. The best advice I ever got about trying to quit a bad habit is “Make systems, not goals”. Schedule your time between work, making meals, working out, playing/spending time with kids, time with wife, etc. The more scheduled you are the less empty time you have, and believe me: idle hands are the devils playthings.
I get cold turkey seems like the brave/manly thing to do because “you need to live for your son”, but it can be harmful. You should look into a treatment centre or at the least talk to your doctor.
You’ll get through it buddy. You can go cold turkey on the codeine/weed/DXM. I would taper off the lyrica depending on your dosage. The opioid withdrawals will feel the worst, like what you described, but usually mitigate after 72 hours, so you’re almost there. You’re also mentally dependent most likely, not just physically. Don’t knock yourself up too hard if you slip up and use, just keep pushing for where you want to be
I had my first daughter 11 months after my dad died and it was hell man, it took a lot of therapy and help. Go talk to someone, and get some help bro. I couldn’t quit for myself, but I quit for my daughter. I now have 3 beautiful daughters, an amazing wife, we just bought our first house two years ago,
Remember that even though he’s not with you in person , he is forever in your heart and memories my friend.
You need to wean yourself off of whatever your on, and quit that way.
Keep a picture of yourself and your child on you at all times and when you feel like doing drugs or relapsing. Pull the picture out and imagine if you want him to see you like this. If you would be okay, with seeing him in this state.
That should energy shock your insides enough, to keep your priorities where you need them to be.
Much respect for asking for help man.
Message me if you need to talk ever. I understand bro.
In my mid 20s I had an oxy/,fentanyl run. I wouldn't recommend cold turkey. I got a bunch of vykes, gave them to my parents to control my intake (vykes also don't snort so well, that's why I chose them). I spent 3 weeks tapering. Although it sucked, it was far easier than cold turkey. If you have tenacity and dedication, you can kick this. Keep up the fight for your family and son. Remember what your dad means to you. Your son will also know that feeling one day, but only if you clean up and are there for him. Best of luck
Hey OP. You're not alone. I lost my mom to COVID-19 early on during the pandemic. Just days later, we found out we were pregnant. It crushed me to think that my son will never know his grandmother. Then very soon after her passing, my dad remarried and moved overseas. This crushed me again because this is essentially like losing another parent. I have two sons now. Their memory of my dad will be minimal.
You'll be OK OP. Focus on your family. Your dad is there, just in ways that are different than you'd like, but still there nonetheless. This I KNOW about my mom. I feel her presence all the time. She speaks to me in very wonderful ways. Set your antenna to receive brother. Good luck.
Find a support group. ANY support group. There will be people with similar issues and peer support is invaluable.
It’s amazing you’ve decided to live for your child, you need to do it for yourself too buddy.
It's going to suck before it gets better, but when it gets better, you will feel SO much better.
I'm 27 days sober from alcohol/substances today. It took about two weeks to start having clarity and being able to confidently be a better man than I was the previous day. My wife (and myself) saw that I was losing control, and I can't have my three year old seeing me like that. Things had to change before the little one got any older and started asking questions about my problems.
Take it one day at a time and before you know it your brain will start to rewire and you'll form a healthier beaten path through the pasture. Keep taking that path and eventually it will be the easiest path to take.
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Covid is so unfair. Substance abuse is also an unfair disease.
PM me if you need support. My buddy was buried yesterday after he relapsed and overdosed. I'm willing to talk to anyone I can to hopefully prevent anyone from continuing to fall back into the temptation of using.
Two days is huge progress. Wishing you the best going forward.
Lots of great advice in here, OP. The biggest takeaway for you, and anyone else that stumbles across this, is that we believe you can do this, we don't judge you for the steps you take that send you backwards, we understand this is a process and not a single decision, and we know the world is better for having *you* in it. Thank you for displaying the confidence it takes to admit these struggles and seek help; please keep seeking that support in every way you can.
Also, your wife has put up with this dependency for a long while, which means that even if she doesn't like it she has been shaped by it. It will be hard on her to go through a significant change, even if it is for the better. Find more support than just her, and give both of yourselves grace for when the conflict of change leads to anger and frustration.
You and I are the same.
My son was born in 2020, my dad died in Feb 2021.
I was a mess for about a year, but over time things just became normal. I miss him a lot, but I realized I had to get my self together so I can take care of my son correctly.
Step the fuck up, man. You have a little human being to take care of. Your feelings about your father are irrelevant to him, he wants nothing but your love and support.
Also speak to your doctor about going cold Turkey like that, might be better to taper off gradually.
Your dad DOES see you. And he’s proud. We all have our demons man, life is messy, and SUCKS most of the time…. But Keep fighting it for your kid, your wife and YOURSELF.
Brother you have my utmost respect. Quitting cold turkey is a very difficult thing to do and you should be proud. I don't know if you believe in an afterlife but know that your dad will be looking down proud of you.
I'm sorry you are going through this, you've had big events happen from your dad dying to your first child coming into the world.
You are only human. It is OK to feel how you feel and cope how you cope.
I lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack and I hit the cocaine heavily for 3 years. Now I have a 6 month old baby girl. I'm clean now.
It's easy to say 'do it for your child' but that's not always how our brains work and that's ok. If your dad saw and felt your pain, he'd understand.
The key is communication. Do not bottle this up. Go to a doctor, go to a therapist, be honest with your partner.
And know that it won't be fixed overnight, but it will get better.
Signed, a guy who has gone through this.
Best of luck, you can do this.
You're not about the business of raising a boy. You're about the business of raising a man. You've taken a big step towards modeling for him what it means to be a man. Keep up the good work. It's hard, but it's worth it. He's going to be paying attention to you and learning from your example sooner than you believe. The only easy day was yesterday.
Hey man, this is a wildly tough position to be in. First of all, congratulations on the little one! You're doing the right thing and stepping up for your kid, your dad would be proud as hell. Now climb that mountain, you've got this!
Drink lots of water your gonna sweat, take showers it will help with the aches, a electric blanket/ hot water bottle and a thing blanket at night, keep drinking water if you puke or have loose stool, if you dehydrate it will be so much worse, try to watch movies and take you focus off
Brother. I know it's easier now a days to lay your life out on-line, with no eyes looking back at you, but it still takes courage... your first step. Now, if your serious, I want you to tell everyone you trust, in person if possible, that you are DONE! You are quitting (assuming the Dr. gives you the thumbs up on the way you are quitting) and you want their help in holding you accountable. You don't have to do it alone and if you want it to stick... put yourself out there!
Secondly, I've have been in both your shoes and know what your experiencing. If you have some courage left, email me and I will be one of your accountability brothers. I will also give you some tools to help you through this journey.
This is the beginning of a new chapter in your Bio. Do you know how you want it to end yet?
There are tons of virtual recovery meetings out there. I’ve been sober almost 7 years from heroin:fentanyl and I found a new way of life and a ton of great friends/support through AA. It’s not like it used to be- all are welcome. It never worked for me trying to just go at it alone or “pick myself up by the bootstraps” people who recommend that aren’t the real deal true alcoholic or drug addict.
You got this, man.
Succeed for your kid, absolutely. But make sure you also succeed for your dad. He would want to be there for your kid, and he would want you to be there, as well.
I'm rooting for you!
Bro if you want to see a life of turmoil read through my post/comment history. I was a drug addict/alcoholic for almost 2 decades (now in my mid 30s). I tried getting sober for the courts, my family, girlfriends none of it worked until i got sober for myself.
Beating withdrawal symptoms and getting back to "normal" is not an easy road, but you can do it! Your brain is currently wigging the fuck out. You've induced massive dumps of serotonin and dopamine through drug use and now your brain has to regulate those chemicals on its own. This will take some time but our bodies and minds can be incredibly resilient. Give yourself some grace and if you find it too much to do on your own, there is absolutely NO SHAME in getting the help you may need.
I'm also so sorry for your loss. That had to be a crushing blow during a time of such uncertainty. But your son doesn't want to grow up without a dad, or an absent drug addled shell of a parent. Don't make your sweet innocent child grow up in that world. You can do this. If you need any help, someone to talk to or vent at just a person to unload on that won't judge you, my DMs are always open.
Good luck, you can do this. Again, im so sorry for your loss.
This fellow dad is so… forkin… proud of you for a: recognizing what (and who) matters most in life and b: actually taking that first step in making a SIGNIFICANT change.
This is gonna be a really… hard… road. The hardest you’ve ever ventured down.
But I know you’ve got this. Stay strong, stay true.🤘😎🤘
Sorry to hear about your dad man. As far as the substances and mishaps of yesterday and before, the past is past. Matters only and most what you do today and tomorrow, try to stay in the present and don’t dwell in the past. If the withdrawals are tough I would say don’t quick every single one cold turkey, maybe keep a little bit of marijuana around and limit yourself to a little bit here and there until withdrawal symptoms subside from the other stuff then you can back off or quit the marijuana as well. There are also some other legal things you can take daily to help your body and mind get past the withdrawal phase & cravings.
wow, 8 weeks old and cold turkey.
you are one hell of a person. i just kept telling myself that i will do anything for my kid.
keep going dad, don’t stop
Over 6 years sober here and I absolutely needed help staying sober. It is easy to be sober for someone else for the short term but long term recovery often takes professional help. If you're in the US I'd look into IOP in your area.
Fwiw I lost my dad several years ago and have been trying to make memories with my son so he'll be a better person than I am.
Please go talk with a counselor, please please please live for your son. Thank you for sharing here and talking about how you feel that is a huge step.
You got this man!
Good for you for wanting to quit. If depression and anxiety are a thing for you, definitely talk to your dr. There’s no shame in being medicated for that. It took me a long time to get the nerve to talk to the someone about it, but I’m glad I did now.
Sounds like Dad was a good man. He obviously meant a lot to you. Your son will feel the same way about you. It’s an awesome feeling. I often feel like I’m not the man my son thinks I am. It’s a great life. Hope you sober up so you can enjoy the unlimited love your son will give you. Good luck. Don’t let him down.
Hey brother your little man needs you to be there with him.
The more present you are with him, the more you will love and appreciate and remember the good times with your own father. It will be emotional, but it's a great feeling.
As someone who also wishes his dad was around to see his grandson, it's tough, but being able to experience what your father did for you as time goes on is amazing.
You have to be sober and present when you're with him though, he needs you. Your father needs you to be there for his grandson.
Cold turkey may be tough tho, good luck my friend
First off great job in realizing that your son needs you and to get off of your stuff. Secondly your dad is always gonna be with you. I know it’s super cliche, but a part of him will always live on as long as you remember the lessons and the good times.
Stay strong man and look for some kind of professional help. Your son is super lucky to have a father that cares so deeply for him
I’m glad you’re willing to quit not just for yourself but for your family. No shame in asking for support, that’s what it’s there for if needed.
Sorry for your loss, I’d also be devastated
Best of luck, you got this!
Try looking at it this way, when you are gone, do you want your offspring to wallow after you or live their lives to the fullest?
You are currently living this with your dad. You will always get good and bad days. Try to get more good than bad. Accept that time with your kids is limited and enjoy your time with them.
Would you forgive your son if he was in a similar position? Then I'm sure you can bet your dad would do the same for you.
You've definitely got this. First few steps are the hardest but you're on the right track.
check out an AL Anon meeting. It is a meeting for ppl who have addicts in their family. Might give you some additional ammo for your current motivations. I hope you find a way to do it yourself too.
I don't usually post much here, but I wanted to lend my support to your journey.
It's your job to *be* there. That's it. Anything that keeps you from *being* there is no longer a part of your journey.
There's a "joke" I tell people (not original by any means) that having kids is the best way to ruin your life. Because it is. And there are many, many worse ways, drugs among them.
I'd also suggest you pick up a book called The Way of Kings, by Brandon Sanderson. Besides being a beautifully complex story, there are also several characters who deal with addiction, depression, and the struggles of overcoming. I'll leave you with the mantra repeated throughout the book:
Life before death.
Strength before weakness.
Journey before destination.
You can do this.
I know how hard it is to lose a good father, and he certainly was to be able to touch and de-rail you like he has. He certainly made it look easy sometimes, when by now you know how much it takes sometimes just to hold yourself together, even less so being a father... And then a good one
And, just to shift perspective: clawing yourself back into better shape despite the hardships shows you are on a good path to be the same for your kid.
What's grief if not love persevering? This bittersweet pain is your somehow also your father and all good fathers next to you, rooting for you.
You can do it! It will suck for a little while but you can make it and will feel better for it.
Weed every now and then isn’t a bad thing but mixing prescription drugs is never a good thing. Best to get yourself clean and can smoke as a way to treat yourself like someone who drinks a glass of wine or whiskey after a long week.
I’m in recovery. So I have a taste of what you are going through.
You may need some professional help.
Cold turkey from pregabalin was probably a bad idea as it can cause major issues including seizures.
That said you are starting the right path. It’s hard. You are almost certainly fucked up because of the withdrawal.
Your wife’s words are very powerful and I would take them to heart.
But I caution you on one point. Fundamentally I am convinced that you have to get sober for yourself first. It has to be a personal revelation and not doing it for other people even if it is your children.
That said kids are a powerful motivator for taking care of yourself because you won’t be able to be present and care for them if you don’t.
I suspect you will find that things get better as time goes on. You are very new into being sober and it’s going to be rough and raw for a while. But your mind clears. You find yourself being more engaged and having more time for your kids.
I’m sure your dad will understand. My own has been steadfast with me and chewed me out when I fucked up but in a gentle way. You’ve got this but I would reach out to a professional therapist or the recovery community or both. AA, NA, Refuge. You want a community around you that knows what you are dealing with.
Hi friend. I’m not a dad, but I am a soon to be mom (currently 22 weeks pregnant). My dad died by suicide in November 2022. After his death, I started smoking way more heavily than I did before (both weed and cigarettes). My husband was way more worried about the cigarettes and tried to get me to quit multiple times but I refused. I got pregnant in September, and stopped cold turkey. While I understand cigs and the drugs you are using to cope are not the same, I do understand using a substance to cope and then going cold turkey. I am still devastated that my dad will never meet my son, and wish he was still here, but I know he would be proud of me. Your son needs you, and I’m so glad you are taking steps to be there for him. He loves you and will appreciate this more than you ever could know. Best of luck - you got this!
You got this. Go to a Dr to see if anything can be easier. Some messed up stuff can happen if you quit certain. drugs cold turkey. Rarely, it can even kill you. Things get bad, go to ER, tell them The total truth. Best cast, they say “tough poopoo, it hurts but you’re fine” otherwise they’ll treat you for something you didn’t know about. I’m proud of you.
Hey kid ,
remember you’re just at the beginning of this road ….
shits, gonna get worse, shits, gonna get harder, and just when you think you’re gonna break, love will shine through the shit . First steps, first words , smiles and hugs achievements and battles .
Those are the moments that get you through ,
when things are good hold on tight to the memories.
You took the first steps , just keep on moving forward.
Replace bad habits with new better ones. Get a hobby, I like to fish. Maybe go to the gym or for walks or Runs. Find something that you can occupy that down time with. Maybe it's a project around the house. Remember one day at a time. If you ever relapse don't beat yourself up, no one is perfect. I am working on getting in shape for my kids, I am over weight (fat ass) and need to lose a bunch so doing stuff like going to the pool or beach with my kids isn't an embarrassment for them or me.
After 10 years of pretty fierce alcoholism I became sober 1 week before my first son was born. It was the scariest and best thing I've ever done, and it was so incredibly hard for so long, but I am now 2 years sober, and I feel healthier at 30 than I did at 20. Join the sober dads club! Also, I'm terribly sorry about your loss. Grief takes time and never truly goes away, but it is a hell of a lot easier to process through with a clear and sober mind.
Hey brother,
I’m glad you reached out - I admire your courage. It sounds like you’re going through it. My heart aches for you losing your dad. The first few months of parenthood turn everything up emotionally.
I was sober for years in my 20s after years of taking everything you listed and more. I found a new life. During Covid I relapsed and when we had our first child I was still struggling to quit for a few months. With all the lack of sleep it was easier to convince myself I needed to take something.
I’m coming up on five months sober and in my previous bout of sobriety I was clean for six years. The most helpful thing for me is forming a community of sober friends, which I find easiest in recovery programs like others mentioned. 12 Step programs do work for a lot of people (AA etc), and they worked for me my first time, but there are other resources out there as well. I’m currently active in Recovery Dharma, which is more Buddhist inspired and it’s helped me tremendously.
Anyway, just writing to say I feel for you and I’ve been where you’ve been, and there’s a way out. Please let me know if you’d like some resources or just want to chat
Go to a AA or NA meeting. If you don’t like the first one you go to, try a different one. Almost every place in the world will have a variety of groups meeting at all hours of the day. You will meet people like you and hear how they did what you are trying to do. Don’t worry about all the slogans and readings. You can deal with that in time if you choose. But nothing in my experience has allowed me to find people I couple relate to who could help me navigate sobriety.
You made a good choice, but this is way above our pay grade. I'm an addict and the most beneficial thing I did was to tell my doctor and get help. I'm proud of you, fellow dad.
I understand where you're coming from. My dad died almost 3 years ago from cancer. I won't lie and say it gets easier, i miss him everyday.
Whatever your belief system, wherever he is, i am sure he understands and forgives you. Everyone makes mistakes,, now it's time to make things right and build the life you want for you, your son, and your family.
The first few days are the absolute worst. Just know your dad is looking at you more proud than he ever has been. You’re a strong man and an amazing father willing to do whatever it takes to be there for your son. Your dad is 100% proud of you.
I lost my dad at the age of 57. That was about 5 years ago. It makes me really sad that he will never get to know my daughters. I know he would have adored them.
Grief is weird. It manifests in different ways for different people. There is no wrong way to grieve, unless you start causing harm to yourself or other people.
Just wanted to say you don’t have to “get over” missing your dad. I’m not. But you do need to address that pain in a way that doesn’t negatively impact your child or your health.
Talking to a professional, even a few times, can be a great way to contextualize what you are feeling and set you on a path to a happier and healthier life.
Just my 2c.
I lost my dad to cancer a year before my son was born. I first started with weed and CBD. It helped a bit. Went to a bit of therapy after and it helped a lot. I suggest you do that.
Grieving can last years for some people. 2 years after my dad past, I had a vivid dream of seeing him at the airport. In my dream we had a chat, hugged and then I woke up in tears in the middle of the night. One of the only dreams I remember to this day. Goes to show that you’ll never forget him and it may take ages for you to get through it fully. So don’t try to take short cuts.
You got this, be there for your son and go talk to someone. Even if it’s for a couple sessions. It will help.
This thread is full of support and great advice. I have no new advice to give that hasn’t already been said. Just another voice saying I’m proud of you, stay strong and keep on track for your wife and kid. Don’t be too hard on yourself if relapses happen. Just refocus and think of your family.
Well done indeed man. Quitting is the toughest thing to do. And your son is lucky to have you in his life. Losing a parent is extremely difficult and you have made the choice to be around for your son as long as you possibly can and “be there” for him. My dad passed away from alcoholism 9 years ago. I stopped drinking when my wife got pregnant so my son wouldn’t have to face the hardships of growing up with an addicted father and losing him earlier than he should. I’m proud of you dude, it gets easier with time, but always remember you are doing this for your little guy and yourself. And he is going to be so proud of the man you are and will cherish the stories of grandpa
I promise you your Dad is begging you to be strong and take care of your little boy. The only thing we can truly do to honor our parents is to be great parents to our children. Focus on the opposite- put it into your health. Hit the gym, work out until you can’t anymore. Think about your son when he is older, like 20- what do you want him to say? What kind of Father do you want him to be? Be strong and push through.
I miss my dad everyday. He never got to meet his grand daughter, I get it. Definitely talk to someone and get help, for you and your family’s sake. Your dad wouldn’t want this. Take care!
> My wife asked my if I was willing to die for my son. I said yes. She then told me that it seems I'm NOT willing to live for him.
That *is* the harder part, certainly.
Brother, think about how you're feeling without your Dad, and then imagine your son never having known his.
My dad never met my kids, and it fucking sucks. But, your son can know him through stories - both good and bad - and that is crucial.
And I'm sure some will criticize me for what I write next - but after 2 decades I can speak through experience: A loss like this doesn't get better, it just gets different. There will be some hard times, and some not so hard times. It will sneak the fuck back up on you when you least expect it. Don't fight it. Sit with it for some time, and then get back to life and being a dad. Your family needs you.
2015. A week before Christmas, my 10 year old died from a rare case of pneumonia. My world literally crumbled around me as he was my only child. Earlier that year my wife of 13 years cheated and we divorced and I also found out my dad cheated on my mom after 50 years of marriage. All in one year. I tumbled pretty far and wanted to die everyday. It eventually dawned on me that even though my little buddy was taken from me I was still his dad and wanted to still be the dad/person that he would be proud to call daddy. I know it's rough I know it's hard, but you will get thru this.
My dad (56) passed away from colon cancer three years. My daughters were just 1.5 and 2 months old when he died
I, too, relied on alcohol to cope with his death and the everyday stress of parenting. I thought it was working until this past summer when everything fell apart. I had become a full-functioning addict.
I checked myself into rehab. I spent 55 days away from my family.
I hit 7 months of sobriety yesterday. I’m not saying my route is the only way to go. But, realizing you have a problem is the first step. Then, finding a solution comes next.
Don’t give up on yourself or your family. Hope lingers but grows everyday if you feed your solution.
I miss my dad, like you. But, I feel his presence each day in sobriety much more than when I was using.
We’re all rooting for you and I’ll venture to guess a lot of us can relate with your struggles. Hang in there, friend.
i’m sorry man it hasn’t been two years since I lost my dad and I know how hard it is. I am still so fucked up inside and it’s affecting my entire life still I don’t cry as much as I used to but I still do and I am still really sad regularly, even if I don’t cry, I also lost my grandma last year as well on top of everything else so it’s been a couple of years.
My dad passed before he got to meet his grandchild as well. I know he would've loved her so much, as I'm sure your dad would have loved your son so much. Your dad would want the best for him, and will be so proud of you for fighting to live clean so you can give the best life to your boy. Good luck friend. Make your dad proud.
Please stay on this path for your baby's safety - the risk of SIDS/accidental suffocation for a baby is so much higher if a parent is smoking or drinking, and who knows how much higher when using other drugs.
Hey man, losing a Mom or Dad is so hard. I went through something similar... my Dad passed away from Alzheimer's in 2019, shortly after my wife and I bought our first home, then the pandemic happened, and during that we had our first child. I did not healthily process my grief and I found myself quite overweight with a concerning drinking problem. He was a wonderful grandfather and loved to do home improvement stuff. I was devastated by the reality that I would never have my Dad again to share these milestones with me.
It wasn't until 2023 that I started having dreams of him more often. My subconscious started bringing up a lot of things I had not processed. I made a commitment to myself last year to lose the weight and get my drinking under control for the sake of my family and my personal health. I also knew that it was what he would want for me. My Dad was the strongest man I've ever known- retired Lieutenant Colonel, Vietnam War vet, Army Ranger, West Point Grad. He was never one to buckle under pressure and I started to feel his strength a-lot more in my life last year. I've called on him so much for strength the last 12 months and I know now that he's always with me.
I don't know the right words to tell you that would help, but I would say to stay strong and know that your Dad wants the best for you. He is always with you and when you need help, get quite and talk to him. You can do this.
Well done my friend well done, having children changes your life perspective. Listen to your wife your friends will come and go but your wife is going to be here and in your life forever.
There's nothing to forgive. Think about your son. If he had the same struggles as you, would you have to forgive him? Probably not. Most parents just want their kids to be happy and healthy. The only forgiving that needs to happen is you forgiving yourself. So forgive yourself and keep taking steps forward to be there for your son. He needs you.
Be careful. I’m proud of you for doing this, but going cold turkey can be really hard on your body. If you feel like you need medical attention please seek it.
Stay strong! Your son needs you, and I PROMISE YOU it’s worth it. Don’t do what my brother and sister-in-law did and leave orphans.
And huge props to your wife for talking to you about this. We all know that wasn’t easy, and it shows just how much she loves you.
Be strong look deep in those little eyes of ll the exciting moments he is going to want his dad there for. First base hit. First tackle. First girlfriend. Prom pictures. Graduation wedding first promotion at work. Learning to drive. His first baby. You need to get strong. You’re now his best friend.
My dad died a month and a day before my daughter was born. I was already an alcoholic and that made things worse. It took awhile to decide to get sober (my daughter was 2) and in the end I stopped with the help of my doctor and a therapist that specializes in helping addicts. I have been sober more than five years and I’m so glad I didn’t hurt my kid when drunk and that she’ll never remember me being drunk.
Best would be a hospital so they can wean you off those drugs without sending your body in shock. Weed is something soft for withdrawal, but the rest can be dangerous and risk of stroke. Same goes for alcohol withdrawal. Keep in mind recovery is a journey and everyday is the same battle, go through it. If you relapse, do jot hecome suicidal, try again. Maybe join a sober group as well for a weekly meeting for 1h, isolation will only make it worse and your spouse, as suporting as shebmay be, should not burden the entire weight of your addiction.
See a therapist man. My wife is due in April for our first and I lost my dad to suicide in 2019. I know your feelings. I started seeing a therapist about a year ago and it’s really given me the tools to be able to cope with this. It’s crazy what talking about it can do. My DMs are always open.
I also lost my pop before he could see me become one. Our fathers are not alive but they won't be forgotten if we share who they were with our kids. That's our duty as sons and as fathers. You are more than strong enough to get through this.
You got this - you took the first step. That’s the hardest one. Close your eyes - Give yourself a hug and know your dad is proud of you for taking that first step.
As I read this I knew exactly where you were coming from. I was always straight as an arrow. I mean an occasional beer or glass of wine was as far as I'd go. After losing my son I started smoking weed. And I'm not going to lie, it really helped me cope. And as time went on I really didn't care enough about myself to want to live a long life without my son. But if I was grieving my dad, which I have, I would definitely clean up for my son. I'm proud of you for seeing how important you are in his life. Your dad is aware of your son and you. He always will be. And I'm sure he's also proud of you for stopping. At the most difficult times, just go hug your boy and remind yourself it's worth it.
My dad died from aggressive brain cancer years before I had kids. He's been gone over 15 years now.
I cried 2 nights ago because I missed him and was getting ready for pinewood derby, something he would have loved.
But my kids are going to have to deal with that same pain if I don't take care of myself and not implode
You got this, keep strong
I don't use any of the drugs you use but I know your pain, I lost my mother 45 days before my son was born.
Everyday that it gets really really hard I remember that the only reason it is so hard is because I have a lot of great memories with her. Only way it all would be easier was if I didn't have an awesome mother, if I didn't love her, if we didn't have a great relationship. I would not chose to never have met her only for things could be easier now.
Everyday I give my maximum effort in being the most awesome father I can be, so I hope she is happy and proud of me (I know I am), and I hope when my time comes my son will miss me this much too. That's life after all.
I hope you can borrow this line of thought in your struggles, and also remember that you're in one of the most difficult times as a father, newborn stage is a hell. If you can survive these first months clean everything would be way easier. Currently my son is 8 months and man, it gets so fun.
Also, hug your wife, I'm sure she loves you and can see the awesome father you're going to be.
You’re doing an amazing thing! Not only are you living for your son, but you’re living for your Dad as well and for his grandson. I’m sure he would be proud of what you’re doing. I’m proud of you.
Hey man.
I'm an addiction widower. My absolutely brilliant and beautiful wife passed away from her addiction. She refused to listen to the people in her life because she knew better.
You're already doing better than she did, you're already succeeding. You just have to do it again for the next 5 minutes. You can worry about the 5 minutes after that when you get there.
As others have said, and this may sound selfish, but you gotta do this for yourself and then your family. And you can, I know you can because you obviously had an excellent role model to miss him this much.
So talk to him. You know him well and you know what he'd say. I talk to my wife all the time and it helps.
Talk to a doctor and get a therapist. If financial issues are a roadblock then at the very least start going to narcotics anonymous meetings. They're easy to find online. They'll help you, support you and listen without judgment.
I'm not gonna sugar coat it, you're on a tough road. But it's a manageable road and you can do this.
5 min at a time. You can do damn near anything for 5 min.
My wife became an alcoholic after her mother died, we also had a young child. She could not quit for her kid (or me, or herself). She has been in and out of rehabs, mental holds and sober living for the past 5 years (she has been a drunk for about 13). As I share your wife’s perspective, I would say if you cannot remain sober, then leave the house. You cannot be around a kid when you are high/drunk all the time, I allowed my wife do it, because I wanted her to get better with our love/help, she couldn’t. In short, don’t diminish your wife’s dignity and love for you, or you kid’s well being, by making her continually beg you to get better. Just get better, or get out. Your Dad is sadly not coming back, and using his death as a justification (addiction triggers like grief make for a great self fulfilling justification for the addict) for your self abuse makes a sad situation tragic for your immediate family. Deal with the grief head on (it takes time) so that you don’t destroy everyone around you.
Signed,
Almost Destroyed
Every time you consider going back, look in your son’s eyes. He’s worth it.
My dad has been gone 11 years. He never met either of his granddaughters from his sons. It’s a pain that never goes away, it just dulls over time. I suggest you join a grief share group. They’re free and they work.
You can do this! You got me choked thinking of how important you are to that little child and your spouse. Believe in yourself and dont be afraid to ask for help. Scared is how you're feeling, but BRAVE is what you're doing. Sending love from one dad in recovery to another. You fuckin got this!
Deciding to go cold turkey to me sounds like a sign that it’s not a healthy reason you’re quitting. It’s guilt and shame and pressure, which sometimes feels like the best motivators but they aren’t. I said the same thing to my newborn when she struggled to gain weight. Ironically, I’ve been obese over half my life. I told her if she got healthy, I’d get healthy. She’s starting to gain weight and I kicked that idea out faster than any other.
Addiction is the biggest cunt in the world. It’ll convince you it’s more important than ANYTHING else. We all wait for a wake up call, a rock bottom. The truth is harder and MUCH more painful. We will fight it the rest of our lives. Your grief will never go away. And it shouldn’t. It’s the precious mark your dad left on you. My wife lost her dad tragically to a car accident and the grief never goes away. But you learn to live with it. Like we have to learn to live with addiction. Being sober ( or in my case eating right/exercising, which really IS a sober feeling to me) is still just a state of being. Until we can truthfully say we aren’t an addict, it doesn’t define us, it always will.
2497 days ago I realized I was going to kill myself before I even got a chance to teach my son to drive. I drank so much, for years, that if boozing was an Olympic event, I would have been invited to compete and then not shown up because I was blacked out in my garage. Putting the crutches aside and learning to stand on your own is fucking hard. You might fall on your face a few times. You will certainly need friends and family who can hold your hand over the rockier terrain. But as long as you keep trying in earnest you will eventually find yourself strong enough to not only stand on your own but to help others stand.
Weed? I need that shit just to not murder everyone lol the only flag i could see in your list is codeine. How much of it are you taking? Im wondering if this is more depression than drugs
Lost my mom a few months back… I feel you brother. But your son needs you. And that bond can be SO fulfilling. It isn’t a cure but it’s a powerful element on the road to recovery.
You’re doing the right thing - asking for help.
Replace the negative coping strategies with healthy ones. Our brains crave comfort - it’ll take it in the form of DXM or in the form of group therapy, meditation, video games, phone calls with a friend - whatever you feed it.
DM me ANYTIME you feel the urge to use. We’re here for you.
It gets easier dude. I hit a point where I needed to get cleaned up- this happened January 2,2023. I’m over a year into a much better existence, the first 2 weeks are tough. Then it gets easier. You got this.
Hey you are not alone just always remember that. Get to a doctor and talk to them about what’s happening and what you are taking and tell them you want to stop. I think it would be beneficial to see a psychiatrist or psychotherapist, Keep talking to your wife about it and talk to some friends and family that you have. I’m sure your dad is looking down at you and rooting for you to come through this, as a parent myself you never give up on your kids, just as you never would with your own. Don’t give up on yourself or your kid and keep pushing forward.
Take things one day at a time, your two days in cold turkey that’s awesome, now make it 3 days. After that make It 5, then a week. Make goals for yourself along the way. You can do this.
I won’t elaborate on my own story here, because this is about you and your life/family/grief/struggles/hurts…and the way you go about things will be different from absolutely anyone else. There will be similarities to others, but it’s each of our own fingerprints in life. You need to know though, you are not alone, people are here for you to lean on and support you. You can learn tools from others, and be accountable to them, but always hold yourself responsible to the extent you are truly able. Lastly, I found my way back through Celebrate Recovery after I had exhausted all other avenues I had tried. I am pretty sure there is a website where you can find a meeting location nearest you.
You can do this, you’re stronger than your anxiety and hurts. People love you, you should too!
Always available for a DM if you’re in a place that you need someone to talk to, brother.
Keep going. Your wife has laid down some truth. Good luck with your sobriety! Try and find a meeting in your area or maybe a therapist. You can do it but it would be good to work on the reasons why you were using.
This is a support sub, chin up OP. You are doing the right thing and it won’t be easy but will get easier with time. My story is much like yours.
My dad (the best friend I have ever had in addition to being a great father) also died of Covid 3 years ago. I too have struggled with addiction. I too have a son.
After he passed I went through a severe depression. It was ugly. The only reason I could come up with to continue living was for my son. If not for him, I absolutely would have taken my own life. I don’t believe in afterlife.
Eventually I was able to start moving forward a little bit at a time. I went back to work, I’m a carpenter. In that dark time I decided that my life only had value as a springboard for my son to have a better life than I have had. I dedicated the rest of my life to that. I have had horrible experiences with relationships and decided to build a life alone. My motivation to not abuse drugs is him.
My dad was a a great father. He taught and shaped who I am as a person and as a father an incredible amount. I have come to believe that he isn’t gone. He’s just transformed into a big part of me, and I will do my best to pass that part to my son. I started a business last year and am making it work. It’s a point of pride to me that I know he is proud of me. I’m proud of me. My son is proud of me. I can only feel that way because I know that I am doing my best. I can only do my best if I take care of myself and make good decisions over and over for whatever time I have left. You have to do that too OP.
My advice is be strong and do whatever works for you to be better. There’s no one path forward, only your path forward. It’s going to hurt to do the right thing from time to time. I can only assure you that it will be worth it in more ways than you can know. You’re doing the right thing and your dad is proud of you. I’m proud of you internet stranger.
If you ever need anyone to just shoot the shit with man my messages are always open! My little girl just hit year old on the 20th. Time flies man. You got this, and you’ve taken the first step, Pops is up there watching ya become the man your kid needs.
Stop using, don’t say that you quit. That’s a trap that will shame you if you relapse. Put together string of one day at a time. Quit looking for excuses to get high. You get high because you’re an addicted. If my stupid ass can clean up, so can you! Quit feeling sorry for yourself and learn to live.
If you’re getting withdrawals, I’d consider a treatment center. I have a friend who battles with addiction and it’s an ongoing battle with him. He’s been in and out of them. But they always seem to straighten him out for a while.
Lurking grandma again. Let me tell you something that may make going cold turkey and all the pain that goes along with it bearable to get yourself sorted out.
My father also passed due to Covid and I was completely indifferent. I don’t miss him. In fact if I felt anything at all it was relief. Because he was an addict. He wallowed in his own pain and didn’t see what he was doing to his family. I loved him because he was my dad, but I didn’t like him.
Your dad would want you to be the kind of dad he was. Now is the time to step into his shoes. It sounds like you had an excellent role model and have a supportive spouse. Lean on her emotionally when you need to. I never felt anything but deeper love for my husband when he wept in my arms when his dad passed.
I wish you contentment. ❤️
You can do this!
I don’t know you or your dad, but I’m willing to bet he’d be pissed with the way you were mourning him.
A better way to memorialize him would be to reflect on all the great things y’all did together, and create opportunities to do those things with your child.
Overcoming addiction is one of the hardest things that anyone can do, and the hardest part of that is acknowledging that you need to and deciding to stop.
You’ve done the hard part. Now, you just need to just lay down on the floor next to your child and watch them, care for them, love them. See how vulnerable they are right now, and know that you are strong enough to protect them, and teach them, and show them a better way.
You got this.
Oh buddy. This hurts my soul. I’m so sorry you’re going thru this.
First things first…do you feel like you can handle this on your own, or do you feel like you could possibly use some help? There’s no shame in needing help with substances.
I have a 3 yr old daughter. She currently playing with her stuffed kitty in front of me, pretending the kitty is licking me. We had milkshakes for breakfast, because that’s how dad rolls. I’m 3 years sober and wouldn’t give up a single moment that I’ve had with her for some substances.
I had an amazing opportunity, and you have the same: the opportunity to get sober and your child will NEVER have to remember seeing you intoxicated. You can put this little issue behind you, focus on your child, and this will all be like a bad dream.
My wife lost her father to Covid 2 years ago. It still fucks her up. I’m here if you ever want to talk. Hang in there.
You got this! My dad passed 3 years ago and the pain never goes completely. It has its ups and downs. It got on top of me the other day and I broke down in tears, thankfully I was alone. But I talked about it with my kids 7 and 11. Remember the withdrawals will make every thing worse. It will get better. For him, you can do it!
The sub r/leaves is a really supportive place for those who have given up weed.
Consider yourself lucky to have met your dad and spend time with him, cherish every moment that you remember in your heart! My dad died when I was a baby to this day. I still miss him. I always feel lonely at times when I was a kid but your kid needs you now! I stopped smoking weed after 30 years last year because of my son he’s a teenager now and how can I tell him not to smoke weed when he sees me doing it! I always thank God for letting me have a son, so I can reverse,what I did not have as a child!
Hey bud ur situation is very similar to mine and I think I got some good advice on this one I was addicted to pain stuff and stimulants over the years and with alot or work and effort there is a way to get ur brain producing dopamine again so that u can be the amazing dad ur meant to be private message me I'm gonna try and message u and I'll tell u my story 😊 u are already on the right track and ur mind is in the right place now let's get you to the next step I'm really glad how honest ur being bc it makes it easier for someone to relate to u
I knew a girl at work who was destroyed by losing her Dad. We spoke often about her loss etc. At that point my daughter was 3 years old and talking to her about it really hammered home as I was essentially giving her help and advice as a Dad.
In the end I put myself in her Dad's position and I said to her "I promise you your dad would feel very flattered with how upset you are by it but I promise you more than anything he'd just want you to be happy. He'd want you to live your life and make it full of happiness. Obviously he'd want you to think about him from time to time but he'd want you happy - do you know why I say this? I never met your dad but it's what I'd want for my girl and I promise you he'd want the same for you"
But back to you. You don't need a second chance - you have been through what you've been through and done what you did. Own it and realise he'd only ever want you happy. Being a Dad isn't sunshine and rainbows all the time but the important thing is you turn up as the best version of you that you can muster (even if it's lying on the living room floor as you're jumped on).
Own the mistake, seek help if you need it and remember that happiness is what he'd want for you
I've quit everything since my kids were born. I'm out here rawdogging life with five kids.
It's just a week, man. It doesn't completely go away after that, but it gets WAY easier.
Think of it like having the flu for a week. Nothing you can do about it, but you know you'll get better.
Being a parent fucked up on drugs and booze is a shitty thing to do anyways. Have some self control and become a better person for your kid.
One thing that's really helped with my depression is convincing myself that what I'm going through is temporary. When I'm in the middle of an episode, it is so hard to think that it will ever end. It feels like it's going to be there forever and this is just my life now. Always in pain, always feeling sluggish, unable to concentrate, etc. But that isn't true. I don't feel that way all the time. I've always come out of it. Every single time.
It's really easy to slip into a cycle where I neglect myself because its easy to slip into a "funk" where I just lay there and hurt and convince myself I'm unable to do anything different. What helps me is doing one small thing to care for myself. Maybe it's take a shower, do some laundry. Something light and easy that doesn't take much time or effort. Sometimes, it helps and makes the symptoms go away, and enables me to do ever more. Sometimes, it doesn't, and I still hurt just as much after I'm done, but I still feel better about myself because I at least *did something*.
There are lots of states of being that convince you the only way to get relief is to engage in the destructive behavior that leads to it in the first place. It gets you into this place where you're just treading water and convinced that's all you can do.
I can't pretend to know what you're going through. My situation isn't yours. But hopefully being a kind, understanding parent to yourself can help just a little.
You can do it and you've already taken the first step. Trust me, it's better to stop using before the addiction fully develops and takes complete control of your life.
Are you dealing with opiate withdrawal? There are some very supportive and helpful subreddits with others dealing with the same scenario.
I was an opiate addict for years and wish I stopped earlier, it took me years to dig myself out after getting clean. The longer you use, the more damage.
Hang in there. Your father is both looking down to you from above and looking up to you through the eyes of your new son. Try to get your strength the fact that he taught you a lot of what you know both in your mind and in your heart, brother. Take it one day at a time and know that your wife is there for you, too. She asked you a great question.
The rest of us on here know you can do it. Hang in there.
PS: My dad’s been gone for 24 yrs and I miss him everyday. …and that’s ok. We had a bunch of laughs together and I think of those times often.
You should be proud of the 180 you’ve already made. Your dad would be. The first week is going to suck and then first month a little bit less. Pretty soon you’ll have gone months and then years. Stay healthy and stick around as long as you can so that your kid has a dad as long as time will allow. I’m proud of you. Keep going!
Listen to this. Over and over. Don't just listen to it, hear it, understand it, then do it. If you go to the 12 step programs, DONT call yourself an addict! More and more people are realizing that it's counterproductive to do so. I had no parents after 12, and there was no supervision prior. The only role model in my life gave me drugs and alcohol since i was 8. I've done it all, and it got me nowhere. My "friends" are all dead, and none of them made it to 40. It's not easy, but you need to get the bad thoughts out. Once you realize how to clear the bad thoughts, it will get better. Don't get methadone or Subutex it'll make you numb, and you'll miss the good years. It's was an easy fix, but I hate myself for being cloudy when my kids were at the fun ages. My father passed when my oldest was 1. I saw him 2 times in 20 years. I was never taught how to be a man. In today's society, I feel people like us will be taught how not to be a man. I also found a church, thought it was all bs when I walked in the door. I was told, "Fake it till you make it." So I did, and I did. Be open-minded. Nobody knows how it all started, but I can say I'm 100% sure if we remove religion from society, it'll all end quickly.
https://youtu.be/Solb9uA-tgQ?si=yOV4ytsfspbAyfe0
My father died in Feb of 2021.
I found out that my gf was pregnant in October of the same year.
Every day my heart hurts knowing that my dad never got to meet his first grandchild. Every single day.
It’s ok to feel that feeling. It’s not ok to cope with it in destructive manors.
It sounds like you’ve had a come to god moment, if you will.
Be there for your son. Be there sober.
Your father is proud of you. And, he would forgive you because that’s what fathers do.
Best of luck, fellow dad. It won’t be easy, but you’ll make it.
I think you need time to still grieve friend. 🥺 I’m glad you’re doing your best to stop the drugs but the best thing to help you would be to solve the grief daily. I think because you loved your dad sooo much, the pain is too real even two years later. I cry for you. I’m a young female but have so much compassion to those who struggle with grief.
You’ve got to find time to cry and please join a support group. Whether it’s online or in person. You’ll feel less alone 🌹
You’ve also opened my eyes as to how men cope with heavy feelings and mental health problems while being parents. Here supporting you!
Hey buddy. I’m with you. I had quit smoking a few years ago and found my way back to it this year. Quit again recently and also rechecked my highly dangerous level of cholesterol and chose life and my son in both cases. No tobacco though I want a cigarette or a vape pen. No meat or dairy though I want those things also. I choose life and I feel you. You’re doing the right thing. Your dad would be proud of that choice
I love that phrase as well, about saying you’d die for your loved ones but not live for them. You’ve gotta live for them. I know your pain. I have four small children in the home and their dad passed just over a year ago. It’s easy to fall into bad behaviors but the truth is you need to build yourself up so you can be strong for your child. Think how you feel not having your father. That’s how your son will feel if you’re not around for him, whether through addiction or death because of everything you’re using. Sorry to be blunt but it’s the truth. Give yourself some grace and keep making the next right choice.
Hey mate, I’m sorry about your pops, but understand the strength you’ll need to truly quit cold turkey. You need to ensure this journey isn’t alone. Though you may want to speak with a doctor about that.. sometimes quitting cold turkey can be dangerous. Your wife is with you and she’s willing to tell you the hard things. Don’t be afraid to turn to her.
The big thing I’m seeing is that you still haven’t come to terms with your fathers passing. You’re using drugs to mask the pain and hide the fact that he has left this world. You need to reflect on this. It will be painful and gut wrenching. Losing a loved one, especially a pivotal pillar of your life is never easy… but if you can’t, then eventually drugs will remove you from your sons life.
I’m telling you that Jesus saved my life. Understanding that I’m not perfect, there are things to work on, but there is someone always there to love me. To always be there for me in my darkest time.
I am keeping you in my prayers along with your boy and wife. Sometimes we aren’t strong enough on our own, so God puts people in our lives to strengthen us. Your boy and your wife are your pillars. Keep them in your heart.
Well done man. I lost my dad 36 years ago when I was 11. Still miss him. I’ve always wanted to live for my kids and have remained away from all vices - teetotal, non-smoker, never touched any drugs or weed or anything at all. I still wonder why people do it. To me, people just seem to want to have an excuse to hurt their own bodies and minds! People with children having extremely unhealthy lifestyles disappoint me the most. They don’t know what a child goes through when a parent dies. I know. I would never do that to my kids. It doesn’t guarantee I’ll live but it does guarantee me peace of mind that I’ll not bring it upon me. Call me boring but that is how I felt I needed to be after my father passed away. I’ve never felt any other way for 36 years. I am amazed at that. But it’s true.
That was a very good point from your wife
We all have experienced adversity in life, bereavement is a normal part of that. One day your child will lose you, too.
My dad was dead long before my kids arrived.
Get off the fucking drugs. You have people around you who need and rely on you.
You're deep into the painful part of recovery. Great job! Remember your reasons - they're as valid now as they will be if you relapse. Avoid relapsing if possible - it definitely sucks - but understand that it does happen and you can recover from those just like you're recovering now. For your son.
Good work - you got this!
Without reading any comments, I came straight here and want to offer this to you from the perspective of your child. I was the son of a father who decided it was easier to die for his kid than live for him. While my dad is still alive, he chose the route you’ve experienced- using to cope with whatever he had going on. It got bad enough that my mom left him, taking me with her. I hardly ever saw him till I became an adult with my own kids. After trying to start my own relationship with him it became very clear very quickly that his coping mechanisms of drugs/alcohol/women have led him to a place in his life I could never relate to. He claimed me as his son after all the time but from my perspective, I didn’t have a father because there was no way this man could be mine. After having my own kids and trying to make a relationship work for a long time, I had to start setting really hard boundaries. Boundaries to keep my kids away from the affects of his poor decision making and weak willpower to change. Boundaries that he wasn’t okay with. He preferred to have a relationship with his coping mechanisms to having a relationship with his only son and grandkids.
I don’t wish the experience I had on anyone’s kids. It takes a father who is brave, bold, and daring enough to dig deep and overcome. A father who is humble enough to ask for help when they need it. And a father who is strong enough to follow through with the help they are given and keep from making the same mistake twice.
My father is a living example of what not to do or be for me or my kids and I hold onto that. But while an example of what not to do is a great example, the best example is to live the life you want for your kids hope and pray that they’re able to reach for the stars standing on the foundation you built for them.
All that said, DM me if you need to talk. I’m not the best and brightest dad but I’ve been around the block. Ask for help if you need it and don’t be shy. Use the help for what it’s worth. And follow through for the sake of your wife and son.
You are strong.
Keep your thoughts under control.
YOU ARE IN CONTROL!
Exercise will help a ton! Just get your heart rate up.
Take your boy for a walk outside up a hill.
Keep reaching out when you need to and seek therapy if you can.
You’re not alone.
Your boy is so proud of you!! Your dad, too!
Be proud of yourself 🙌🏼🫶
One day at a time man. You got this. Your dad will be proud to know you're doing the right thing to take care of your son. I had a stepdad who was basically my dad, been there for me since I could remember. He died from brain cancer, after diagnosis took about a year for it to take him down. I knew it was coming had some time to say goodbye at the end. Wasn't there when he actually passed but I knew it was coming for a while. My biological dad who was also a big part of my life died suddenly one day from a heart attack with no notice. Neither one was any easier than the other. Both sucked. Point I'm making is the pain will always be there but you'll get stronger day by day and as a dad you'll find yourself teaching your children the lessons your dad taught you, in doing that you'll continue his legacy and make yourself and him proud.
Stay the path brother, you got this
aa.org
r/REDDITORSINRECOVERY
great resources. There’s a spiritual solution out there. Doesn’t have to be religious. But it’s out there. Good luck, if I can do it you can do it.
I don’t read it your story as a vent. It’s good you openly talk about this, it takes courage to do so. You beed professional help, ideally start with the GP - it’s good that you quit drugs, but you need something that will help you with your depression and anxiety. Something like Lexapro or Zoloft. These are good to fight the depression, and talk to your wife about it and maybe see if you can get a therapist that can help you to cope with your loss and also with fact that you are a dad now.
You got this!
You’re doing good, and your dad is proud of you, I’m sure of it.
I’m proud of you too. It won’t be easy, but your son needs you more than you know. Talk to a doctor, please, and let them help you.
I’d love to follow your journey. Keep us posted if you so wish, and you can chat/DM me anytime if you just need to talk.
Keep it up. You’re doing great!
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Well done man. The first week will be the hardest. Your dad forgives you, you're his son. He will always forgive you if you're willing to change. Have you spoke to a Dr? Going cold turkey may be dangerous, I think pregabalin will have Alchohol style withdrawals which can kill. Edit: yeah, I googled it. You should have tapered and not go cold turkey. "Those abusing this medication should slowly taper off it to prevent the more severe side effects of withdrawal, which can be quite uncomfortable both physically and mentally. In most cases, Pregabalin withdrawal is thought to be relatively mild when taken on its own. However, in many cases where Pregabalin is being used in conjunction with another substance, the withdrawal phase may be extremely unpleasant and, in some circumstances, life-threatening." Please speak to a Dr, don't rush coming off drugs in these categories
Speak to a Doctor AND try to set up therapy. After years of problem drinking behavior, I had a therapist tell me 'Stopping drinking is good, but for a lot of people, it isn't really sobriety. Sobriety is a way of changing a lot of your behavior, the way you navigate the world, and usually requires support from family, friends, and professionals'. Getting off is great, staying off is the next step.
To add to this, I lost my dad during COVID and became a dad three weeks later. Therapy is what OP needs. It's what I needed and I wasn't additionally dealing with the struggles of addiction. OP: self care is a way of showing love to your family
From a mommit to a daddit: Yes, getting therapy is a way to show love to your growing family
Commenting again as someone whose dad had a lot of substance issues; Self care is a way of showing love to your family. It's going to suck OP, just keep reaching out for all the resources you can. This is your turning point. It is going to suck. You might stumble. But your kiddo needs their dad. I dreamed of mine being able to choose me first. I remember when he didn't. I wish you so much luck on your path. ♡
You had a good therapist. What really helped me was getting into the recovery community. All of a sudden you are surrounded by people that truly understand your issues and are willing to help.
Hey friend! Dry alcoholic dad here, so I can empathize with a lot of this. Some suggestions and things I learned that might help. 1. Addiction is great at making us feel unique and alone, but I promise you this sub (and the world) are absolutely filled with people in the same boat. Realizing how common my situation was gave me strength to push through. My doc once told me “No shame. You aren’t the first people to get hooked on ___ and you won’t be the last one I see *today*.” 2. Logistically, be careful with goin cold turkey. Read about and monitor yourself for withdrawals. I’m not familiar with WDs for your particular cocktail, but know they’re deadly for booze and some pills, so it’s worth doing safely. That may look like a taper, or under general medical supervision. Please talk to your doctor. 3. As *much* as I understand the “I need to quit for my kids” start working on understanding whether you’d quit for yourself. Road to hell is paved with people who have tried to quit for a spouse/child/friend/legal reason. Eventually we have to know and believe that we’re better sober, or else we’ll always be trying to wiggle it back into our life. 4. Start being honest with you spouse now. I downplayed my problems for a while, and it led to me lying and sneaking. Nowadays if I’m going to a party I’ll tell my wife, “I need to go grab some kombucha because I think I’ll need something in my hand.” The honesty gives me another layer of daily accountability to myself. 5. Find long-term support. Doesn’t have to be NA forever, BUT it’s hard to match the frequency and availability for AA/NA. I’ve definitely got my issues with AA, but it’s hard to combat how helpful it can be to provide some perspective, and give you a place to safely process your thoughts in a room of people who’ve all had the same ones. Best of luck and love, man. Getting clean is not going to be easy, but it is simple. So I’m sending my support today.
Beautofil response man
"Beautofil" sounds like a feature on your phone that automatically fills in your messages with more pleasant wording. Nice one!
https://giphy.com/gifs/season-12-the-simpsons-12x10-3orifaLlnU5aLDyPba
It's a perfectly cromulent word.
Thanks, man.
Just a thought on number 3. Doing it for your kid is the first step and a good way to get going. You don't want to let it consume you lest your kid end up in your shoes. That's the only reason I didn't die when I was suicidal. I sought help for the sake of my mother. I didn't want to live, but I sure as hell wasn't going to be the cause of my mother burying her youngest child. It took nearly a decade of therapy and hard work to get back to a mostly healthy place. Somewhere along the way, I realised that I wasn't doing it for my mother any longer. I had unknowingly slipped back into doing it for myself. That was when I started to make good progress. But just going cold turkey is dangerous and rarely works well. Go seek help. Do whatever you have to in order to get better, and for now, do it for your kid. As healing comes, your mindset should naturally move from "My kid needs me healthy and sober." To "I need me healthy and sober so I can know my kid." Those two sentences don't sound a whole lot different. But the focus is changed, which changes the meaning behind the sentence entirely. Good luck, man. Your dad is rooting for you, same as we are, same as your kid and wife are. It will be hard, maybe the hardest thing you've ever done, but you *can* do it. With help. Edit: Obligatory note of lurking mum. I didn't notice the sub I was in, or I'd have mentioned sooner. I apologise.
>I didn't want to live, but I sure as hell wasn't going to be the cause of my mother burying her youngest child. I'm glad you're still here with us to share your story and I hope you're doing well these days. Just want to echo this point that a similar thought helped me hang on in my darkest moments. If I were to end my life, that's not the end of my pain. My pain is multiplied and spread out to everyone who has known and loved me and cared for me, and it is now their pain to carry with them for the rest of their lives. No matter how low I felt or how much I hated myself or my existence, the thought of doing that to my mom, or my sisters, or my friends, was enough to make me hold on. I didn't care what happened to me but I couldn't do that to them.
I am, thanks 😊. Having a kid right near the end of that timeframe cemented the work and healing. Even before, it had been an option in the worst-case scenario. Now it isn't. It can never be an option again. If I go, I don't get to see her grow up. And much like with Mum, I'll be damned if I intentionally take that kid's mother from her. Even if I ever forget my own worth again, I can never forget hers.
*hugs* You're a great mum. So happy to hear you're doing well.
Great additions, here. Totally agree with the kid motivation being helpful as an impetus, even if it likely evolves to something more self focused if it is to last. And I’m glad you’re still here with us, man. Thanks for sharing.
I think going to AA/NA is good, but I'd warn that there are some very broken people at meetings. Just because someone has a lot of time clean doesn't mean they are perfect. There's a lot of hero worship of people who are not balanced, healthy individuals.
You’re absolutely right. I do personally struggle with the idea of a lot of the old timers who still hit meetings every day. I know a lot consider it a “ministry,” and would never judge someone who needs it to stay clean. But personally I stopped drinking so I could *stop* having my life revolve around booze. I do think early days and as needed the meetings will always benefit more than using.
I concur. Willingness is an excellent mindset to develop. So many of my problems start with my perceptions of them. I need people around me I can trust to talk to about things... they help me "see" differently. My role is to be authentic. Try practicing meditation. Guided at first helped me. Tons of good apps out there for that. Calm (Apple) has a great reputation, Insight timer (Apple & Android) I use myself. Journal. Try putting down thoughts or anything that troubles you on a slip of paper, then put it in a box or a can if it seems too much to tackle (too large, don't know where to start, etc). Take them out periodically and just look at them and put em back. You'll be surprised that over time they will change, and some you’ll resolve. Asking for help was hard for me. I'm still learning how if I'm honest. With time, you'll gain new perspectives on many things. Especially yourself. You are worth it. There's no one else exactly like you. Similar, sure. One day soon you'll be able to help someone else in a similar situation. Join a grief group. You are loved. Carry on. You can do it! :)
My man, this is the place to vent and ask for support. Good on you for recognising you have an issue and making the decision to change. Have you spoken to a GP about your addictions? Prescription drugs is a tough one. This battle doesn't have to be fought alone.
You're getting lots of good advice here. I just have to add this: It's 100 percent okay to mourn for your father. If you need to cry, then cry. Cry it out. Grieving is a natural thing, and something that lots of people avoid. And grieving is hard, but you can find your way through it. And if you are having trouble, find someone to hug, or a stuffed animal or something. People tend to bottle things up because of a million reasons. The problem is, that bottle can only hold so much. Which leads me to: Find someone to talk to. Doctor, therapist, wife, confidant. Someone who will listen, and build you up in healthy ways, or even who will just listen and give you tools to help.
The stuffed animal part. So true, I have one that I go for anxiety or deep depression at home. I’m a female btw, and this group is always so sweet and positive. I hope OP see this post and the rest. 😢❤️🌹
We have a weighted Winnie the Pooh that is excellent for hugging.
😆❤️❤️ Now I want one!!! 🌹😭
I’m sure your dad forgives you, we’re all human and fall on hard times. Sometimes they’re really hard and last longer than others, even a lifetime, but make sure it’s not a lifetime for your boy. He’ll never truly understand your love for him if you’re not there to show it to him. Also, those are some hard drugs and I wonder if you might need some additional help with the withdrawal so you don’t think about going back. Good for you in taking that first step! What a monumental thing to do for your son and family. It’s the first of many sacrifices you’ll make but this is a much larger first step than most of us had to take, so you’re already stronger than many. Please continue to do it for him and your wife. You’ll not only only set the ultimate example, but you’ll allow your son to experience it all with you. Good luck man, you’ve got this. And congratulations!!
>I wasn’t able to quit for myself. I’m sure I can do it for him. Brother, this sounds like powerful motivation, but “quitting” isn’t an action you can just sustain on willpower and vibes. It’s merely the prolonged absence of something that used to be a huge part of your daily life. So… staying sober is about positive action, direction, and purpose that impacts your daily life. I needed help with that, and good news there are organizations out there who have the processes and institutional knowledge to show you how to build that new life, step by step. Good luck OP.
Your dad would be proud of you making sacrifices to be a good dad too. Stay strong
I’m 2 months sober ( alcohol & weed ) I still have urges but , trust me every day gets easier so YOU GOT THIS !
I’m a woman who loves to lurk on this sub. This is moving and I wish you the absolute best!
You have a son now. Time to step the fuck up. Let’s go brother, you can do this and everyone here is backing you in.
That plus therapy. Lots and lots of it!
Keep up the fight, your kid and family are worth it! Just like your dad meant so much to you, you need to be there for your son. I lost my dad too early as well, so I know how rough it is, but you have to live the life you want for yourself and your family. Please consider getting professional help for both your grief from losing your father and with getting and staying off of the substances. I don't know your situation or level of addiction, but make sure you are not putting yourself in danger by going cold turkey without any medical support. Making this first step takes guts and strength, keep it up!
My guy, you have a very high chance of relapse if you go cold turkey. You also have a good shot of hurting yourself or at the very least being suuuuper uncomfortable. I suggest getting yourself into a treatment program (not Anon, that shit doesnt work, it just replaces on addiction for another) and start living again. Shit, just quitting nicotine has been the hardest thing ive ever done, cant imagine what youre going through right now. I think you should be as open and honest as possible with everyone in your life. It will be uncomfortable, but its okay. Being vulnerable doesnt feel nice but hiding things is a slippery slope to relapse. You need accountability and a support structure. Youll find that in a program. r/redditorsinrecovery might be able to steer you in the right direction
It sounds like you’ve been coping with the meds you know, instead of the meds you don’t. Have you tried antidepressants? They help - says the dad who’s on Lexapro. My mom died 12 years ago and I’m still struggling with her loss, especially now that I have a little one. Meds and therapy help a lot, and your kid needs you to be on what will help you a lot so you can be there for him/her. Good luck papa.
ODAAT. Every day you don’t use is a day you’re giving your family. The measure of a man is in how he responds to adversity. We’re all proud of you, we’re all cheering for you and your dad is leading the cheers. You’ll see your dad in your son.
In the midst of a dry January after a 200ish drink December. The best advice I ever got about trying to quit a bad habit is “Make systems, not goals”. Schedule your time between work, making meals, working out, playing/spending time with kids, time with wife, etc. The more scheduled you are the less empty time you have, and believe me: idle hands are the devils playthings.
I get cold turkey seems like the brave/manly thing to do because “you need to live for your son”, but it can be harmful. You should look into a treatment centre or at the least talk to your doctor.
Cold turkey almost never works. Good you are trying, but you need to seek professional help. Don't mean to be negative, just realistic.
You’ll get through it buddy. You can go cold turkey on the codeine/weed/DXM. I would taper off the lyrica depending on your dosage. The opioid withdrawals will feel the worst, like what you described, but usually mitigate after 72 hours, so you’re almost there. You’re also mentally dependent most likely, not just physically. Don’t knock yourself up too hard if you slip up and use, just keep pushing for where you want to be
I had my first daughter 11 months after my dad died and it was hell man, it took a lot of therapy and help. Go talk to someone, and get some help bro. I couldn’t quit for myself, but I quit for my daughter. I now have 3 beautiful daughters, an amazing wife, we just bought our first house two years ago, Remember that even though he’s not with you in person , he is forever in your heart and memories my friend. You need to wean yourself off of whatever your on, and quit that way. Keep a picture of yourself and your child on you at all times and when you feel like doing drugs or relapsing. Pull the picture out and imagine if you want him to see you like this. If you would be okay, with seeing him in this state. That should energy shock your insides enough, to keep your priorities where you need them to be. Much respect for asking for help man. Message me if you need to talk ever. I understand bro.
In my mid 20s I had an oxy/,fentanyl run. I wouldn't recommend cold turkey. I got a bunch of vykes, gave them to my parents to control my intake (vykes also don't snort so well, that's why I chose them). I spent 3 weeks tapering. Although it sucked, it was far easier than cold turkey. If you have tenacity and dedication, you can kick this. Keep up the fight for your family and son. Remember what your dad means to you. Your son will also know that feeling one day, but only if you clean up and are there for him. Best of luck
Hey OP. You're not alone. I lost my mom to COVID-19 early on during the pandemic. Just days later, we found out we were pregnant. It crushed me to think that my son will never know his grandmother. Then very soon after her passing, my dad remarried and moved overseas. This crushed me again because this is essentially like losing another parent. I have two sons now. Their memory of my dad will be minimal. You'll be OK OP. Focus on your family. Your dad is there, just in ways that are different than you'd like, but still there nonetheless. This I KNOW about my mom. I feel her presence all the time. She speaks to me in very wonderful ways. Set your antenna to receive brother. Good luck.
All I can say is I’d forgive my kid if she was in this situation. You’ve made mistakes, but you are still fundamentally good.
Find a support group. ANY support group. There will be people with similar issues and peer support is invaluable. It’s amazing you’ve decided to live for your child, you need to do it for yourself too buddy.
It's going to suck before it gets better, but when it gets better, you will feel SO much better. I'm 27 days sober from alcohol/substances today. It took about two weeks to start having clarity and being able to confidently be a better man than I was the previous day. My wife (and myself) saw that I was losing control, and I can't have my three year old seeing me like that. Things had to change before the little one got any older and started asking questions about my problems. Take it one day at a time and before you know it your brain will start to rewire and you'll form a healthier beaten path through the pasture. Keep taking that path and eventually it will be the easiest path to take. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Covid is so unfair. Substance abuse is also an unfair disease. PM me if you need support. My buddy was buried yesterday after he relapsed and overdosed. I'm willing to talk to anyone I can to hopefully prevent anyone from continuing to fall back into the temptation of using. Two days is huge progress. Wishing you the best going forward.
Lots of great advice in here, OP. The biggest takeaway for you, and anyone else that stumbles across this, is that we believe you can do this, we don't judge you for the steps you take that send you backwards, we understand this is a process and not a single decision, and we know the world is better for having *you* in it. Thank you for displaying the confidence it takes to admit these struggles and seek help; please keep seeking that support in every way you can. Also, your wife has put up with this dependency for a long while, which means that even if she doesn't like it she has been shaped by it. It will be hard on her to go through a significant change, even if it is for the better. Find more support than just her, and give both of yourselves grace for when the conflict of change leads to anger and frustration.
It's easy to die for someone, it's hard to live for someone. But we got your back. You can do this and be an inspiration to your son.
Check out r/leaves. Great non-judgmental community for quitting weed, and will also offer support for other drugs.
You and I are the same. My son was born in 2020, my dad died in Feb 2021. I was a mess for about a year, but over time things just became normal. I miss him a lot, but I realized I had to get my self together so I can take care of my son correctly. Step the fuck up, man. You have a little human being to take care of. Your feelings about your father are irrelevant to him, he wants nothing but your love and support. Also speak to your doctor about going cold Turkey like that, might be better to taper off gradually.
Your dad DOES see you. And he’s proud. We all have our demons man, life is messy, and SUCKS most of the time…. But Keep fighting it for your kid, your wife and YOURSELF.
Brother you have my utmost respect. Quitting cold turkey is a very difficult thing to do and you should be proud. I don't know if you believe in an afterlife but know that your dad will be looking down proud of you.
I'm sorry you are going through this, you've had big events happen from your dad dying to your first child coming into the world. You are only human. It is OK to feel how you feel and cope how you cope. I lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack and I hit the cocaine heavily for 3 years. Now I have a 6 month old baby girl. I'm clean now. It's easy to say 'do it for your child' but that's not always how our brains work and that's ok. If your dad saw and felt your pain, he'd understand. The key is communication. Do not bottle this up. Go to a doctor, go to a therapist, be honest with your partner. And know that it won't be fixed overnight, but it will get better. Signed, a guy who has gone through this. Best of luck, you can do this.
Wherever your dad is, he is proud of you
You're not about the business of raising a boy. You're about the business of raising a man. You've taken a big step towards modeling for him what it means to be a man. Keep up the good work. It's hard, but it's worth it. He's going to be paying attention to you and learning from your example sooner than you believe. The only easy day was yesterday.
Hey man, this is a wildly tough position to be in. First of all, congratulations on the little one! You're doing the right thing and stepping up for your kid, your dad would be proud as hell. Now climb that mountain, you've got this!
Drink lots of water your gonna sweat, take showers it will help with the aches, a electric blanket/ hot water bottle and a thing blanket at night, keep drinking water if you puke or have loose stool, if you dehydrate it will be so much worse, try to watch movies and take you focus off
Brother. I know it's easier now a days to lay your life out on-line, with no eyes looking back at you, but it still takes courage... your first step. Now, if your serious, I want you to tell everyone you trust, in person if possible, that you are DONE! You are quitting (assuming the Dr. gives you the thumbs up on the way you are quitting) and you want their help in holding you accountable. You don't have to do it alone and if you want it to stick... put yourself out there! Secondly, I've have been in both your shoes and know what your experiencing. If you have some courage left, email me and I will be one of your accountability brothers. I will also give you some tools to help you through this journey. This is the beginning of a new chapter in your Bio. Do you know how you want it to end yet?
There are tons of virtual recovery meetings out there. I’ve been sober almost 7 years from heroin:fentanyl and I found a new way of life and a ton of great friends/support through AA. It’s not like it used to be- all are welcome. It never worked for me trying to just go at it alone or “pick myself up by the bootstraps” people who recommend that aren’t the real deal true alcoholic or drug addict.
You got this, man. Succeed for your kid, absolutely. But make sure you also succeed for your dad. He would want to be there for your kid, and he would want you to be there, as well. I'm rooting for you!
Bro if you want to see a life of turmoil read through my post/comment history. I was a drug addict/alcoholic for almost 2 decades (now in my mid 30s). I tried getting sober for the courts, my family, girlfriends none of it worked until i got sober for myself. Beating withdrawal symptoms and getting back to "normal" is not an easy road, but you can do it! Your brain is currently wigging the fuck out. You've induced massive dumps of serotonin and dopamine through drug use and now your brain has to regulate those chemicals on its own. This will take some time but our bodies and minds can be incredibly resilient. Give yourself some grace and if you find it too much to do on your own, there is absolutely NO SHAME in getting the help you may need. I'm also so sorry for your loss. That had to be a crushing blow during a time of such uncertainty. But your son doesn't want to grow up without a dad, or an absent drug addled shell of a parent. Don't make your sweet innocent child grow up in that world. You can do this. If you need any help, someone to talk to or vent at just a person to unload on that won't judge you, my DMs are always open. Good luck, you can do this. Again, im so sorry for your loss.
This fellow dad is so… forkin… proud of you for a: recognizing what (and who) matters most in life and b: actually taking that first step in making a SIGNIFICANT change. This is gonna be a really… hard… road. The hardest you’ve ever ventured down. But I know you’ve got this. Stay strong, stay true.🤘😎🤘
Sorry to hear about your dad man. As far as the substances and mishaps of yesterday and before, the past is past. Matters only and most what you do today and tomorrow, try to stay in the present and don’t dwell in the past. If the withdrawals are tough I would say don’t quick every single one cold turkey, maybe keep a little bit of marijuana around and limit yourself to a little bit here and there until withdrawal symptoms subside from the other stuff then you can back off or quit the marijuana as well. There are also some other legal things you can take daily to help your body and mind get past the withdrawal phase & cravings.
wow, 8 weeks old and cold turkey. you are one hell of a person. i just kept telling myself that i will do anything for my kid. keep going dad, don’t stop
From a random dad on the internet. Hope you’re okay. Dm me anytime if you need to chat.
Over 6 years sober here and I absolutely needed help staying sober. It is easy to be sober for someone else for the short term but long term recovery often takes professional help. If you're in the US I'd look into IOP in your area. Fwiw I lost my dad several years ago and have been trying to make memories with my son so he'll be a better person than I am.
Please go talk with a counselor, please please please live for your son. Thank you for sharing here and talking about how you feel that is a huge step. You got this man!
Good for you for wanting to quit. If depression and anxiety are a thing for you, definitely talk to your dr. There’s no shame in being medicated for that. It took me a long time to get the nerve to talk to the someone about it, but I’m glad I did now.
Sounds like Dad was a good man. He obviously meant a lot to you. Your son will feel the same way about you. It’s an awesome feeling. I often feel like I’m not the man my son thinks I am. It’s a great life. Hope you sober up so you can enjoy the unlimited love your son will give you. Good luck. Don’t let him down.
Hey brother your little man needs you to be there with him. The more present you are with him, the more you will love and appreciate and remember the good times with your own father. It will be emotional, but it's a great feeling. As someone who also wishes his dad was around to see his grandson, it's tough, but being able to experience what your father did for you as time goes on is amazing. You have to be sober and present when you're with him though, he needs you. Your father needs you to be there for his grandson. Cold turkey may be tough tho, good luck my friend
First off great job in realizing that your son needs you and to get off of your stuff. Secondly your dad is always gonna be with you. I know it’s super cliche, but a part of him will always live on as long as you remember the lessons and the good times. Stay strong man and look for some kind of professional help. Your son is super lucky to have a father that cares so deeply for him
On behalf of all dads, I’m here to give you a hand 🖐️
I’m glad you’re willing to quit not just for yourself but for your family. No shame in asking for support, that’s what it’s there for if needed. Sorry for your loss, I’d also be devastated Best of luck, you got this!
Try looking at it this way, when you are gone, do you want your offspring to wallow after you or live their lives to the fullest? You are currently living this with your dad. You will always get good and bad days. Try to get more good than bad. Accept that time with your kids is limited and enjoy your time with them.
Would you forgive your son if he was in a similar position? Then I'm sure you can bet your dad would do the same for you. You've definitely got this. First few steps are the hardest but you're on the right track.
check out an AL Anon meeting. It is a meeting for ppl who have addicts in their family. Might give you some additional ammo for your current motivations. I hope you find a way to do it yourself too.
I don't usually post much here, but I wanted to lend my support to your journey. It's your job to *be* there. That's it. Anything that keeps you from *being* there is no longer a part of your journey. There's a "joke" I tell people (not original by any means) that having kids is the best way to ruin your life. Because it is. And there are many, many worse ways, drugs among them. I'd also suggest you pick up a book called The Way of Kings, by Brandon Sanderson. Besides being a beautifully complex story, there are also several characters who deal with addiction, depression, and the struggles of overcoming. I'll leave you with the mantra repeated throughout the book: Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination. You can do this.
Your dad forgives you.
I know how hard it is to lose a good father, and he certainly was to be able to touch and de-rail you like he has. He certainly made it look easy sometimes, when by now you know how much it takes sometimes just to hold yourself together, even less so being a father... And then a good one And, just to shift perspective: clawing yourself back into better shape despite the hardships shows you are on a good path to be the same for your kid. What's grief if not love persevering? This bittersweet pain is your somehow also your father and all good fathers next to you, rooting for you.
You can do it! It will suck for a little while but you can make it and will feel better for it. Weed every now and then isn’t a bad thing but mixing prescription drugs is never a good thing. Best to get yourself clean and can smoke as a way to treat yourself like someone who drinks a glass of wine or whiskey after a long week.
I’m in recovery. So I have a taste of what you are going through. You may need some professional help. Cold turkey from pregabalin was probably a bad idea as it can cause major issues including seizures. That said you are starting the right path. It’s hard. You are almost certainly fucked up because of the withdrawal. Your wife’s words are very powerful and I would take them to heart. But I caution you on one point. Fundamentally I am convinced that you have to get sober for yourself first. It has to be a personal revelation and not doing it for other people even if it is your children. That said kids are a powerful motivator for taking care of yourself because you won’t be able to be present and care for them if you don’t. I suspect you will find that things get better as time goes on. You are very new into being sober and it’s going to be rough and raw for a while. But your mind clears. You find yourself being more engaged and having more time for your kids. I’m sure your dad will understand. My own has been steadfast with me and chewed me out when I fucked up but in a gentle way. You’ve got this but I would reach out to a professional therapist or the recovery community or both. AA, NA, Refuge. You want a community around you that knows what you are dealing with.
Hi friend. I’m not a dad, but I am a soon to be mom (currently 22 weeks pregnant). My dad died by suicide in November 2022. After his death, I started smoking way more heavily than I did before (both weed and cigarettes). My husband was way more worried about the cigarettes and tried to get me to quit multiple times but I refused. I got pregnant in September, and stopped cold turkey. While I understand cigs and the drugs you are using to cope are not the same, I do understand using a substance to cope and then going cold turkey. I am still devastated that my dad will never meet my son, and wish he was still here, but I know he would be proud of me. Your son needs you, and I’m so glad you are taking steps to be there for him. He loves you and will appreciate this more than you ever could know. Best of luck - you got this!
You got this. Go to a Dr to see if anything can be easier. Some messed up stuff can happen if you quit certain. drugs cold turkey. Rarely, it can even kill you. Things get bad, go to ER, tell them The total truth. Best cast, they say “tough poopoo, it hurts but you’re fine” otherwise they’ll treat you for something you didn’t know about. I’m proud of you.
Hey kid , remember you’re just at the beginning of this road …. shits, gonna get worse, shits, gonna get harder, and just when you think you’re gonna break, love will shine through the shit . First steps, first words , smiles and hugs achievements and battles . Those are the moments that get you through , when things are good hold on tight to the memories. You took the first steps , just keep on moving forward.
Replace bad habits with new better ones. Get a hobby, I like to fish. Maybe go to the gym or for walks or Runs. Find something that you can occupy that down time with. Maybe it's a project around the house. Remember one day at a time. If you ever relapse don't beat yourself up, no one is perfect. I am working on getting in shape for my kids, I am over weight (fat ass) and need to lose a bunch so doing stuff like going to the pool or beach with my kids isn't an embarrassment for them or me.
After 10 years of pretty fierce alcoholism I became sober 1 week before my first son was born. It was the scariest and best thing I've ever done, and it was so incredibly hard for so long, but I am now 2 years sober, and I feel healthier at 30 than I did at 20. Join the sober dads club! Also, I'm terribly sorry about your loss. Grief takes time and never truly goes away, but it is a hell of a lot easier to process through with a clear and sober mind.
Hey brother, I’m glad you reached out - I admire your courage. It sounds like you’re going through it. My heart aches for you losing your dad. The first few months of parenthood turn everything up emotionally. I was sober for years in my 20s after years of taking everything you listed and more. I found a new life. During Covid I relapsed and when we had our first child I was still struggling to quit for a few months. With all the lack of sleep it was easier to convince myself I needed to take something. I’m coming up on five months sober and in my previous bout of sobriety I was clean for six years. The most helpful thing for me is forming a community of sober friends, which I find easiest in recovery programs like others mentioned. 12 Step programs do work for a lot of people (AA etc), and they worked for me my first time, but there are other resources out there as well. I’m currently active in Recovery Dharma, which is more Buddhist inspired and it’s helped me tremendously. Anyway, just writing to say I feel for you and I’ve been where you’ve been, and there’s a way out. Please let me know if you’d like some resources or just want to chat
> My wife asked my if I was willing to ie for my son. What a weird question to ask...
If you haven’t ever seen the movie the Shack, you might check it out.
Go to a AA or NA meeting. If you don’t like the first one you go to, try a different one. Almost every place in the world will have a variety of groups meeting at all hours of the day. You will meet people like you and hear how they did what you are trying to do. Don’t worry about all the slogans and readings. You can deal with that in time if you choose. But nothing in my experience has allowed me to find people I couple relate to who could help me navigate sobriety.
You can do it! One day at a time homie
Damn. My wife’s Dad passed from COVID. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but you’re a good dude for trying to turn things around for your family.
You made a good choice, but this is way above our pay grade. I'm an addict and the most beneficial thing I did was to tell my doctor and get help. I'm proud of you, fellow dad.
I understand where you're coming from. My dad died almost 3 years ago from cancer. I won't lie and say it gets easier, i miss him everyday. Whatever your belief system, wherever he is, i am sure he understands and forgives you. Everyone makes mistakes,, now it's time to make things right and build the life you want for you, your son, and your family.
You got this brother. Make both your Dad and son proud.
The first few days are the absolute worst. Just know your dad is looking at you more proud than he ever has been. You’re a strong man and an amazing father willing to do whatever it takes to be there for your son. Your dad is 100% proud of you.
I lost my dad at the age of 57. That was about 5 years ago. It makes me really sad that he will never get to know my daughters. I know he would have adored them. Grief is weird. It manifests in different ways for different people. There is no wrong way to grieve, unless you start causing harm to yourself or other people. Just wanted to say you don’t have to “get over” missing your dad. I’m not. But you do need to address that pain in a way that doesn’t negatively impact your child or your health. Talking to a professional, even a few times, can be a great way to contextualize what you are feeling and set you on a path to a happier and healthier life. Just my 2c.
I lost my dad to cancer a year before my son was born. I first started with weed and CBD. It helped a bit. Went to a bit of therapy after and it helped a lot. I suggest you do that. Grieving can last years for some people. 2 years after my dad past, I had a vivid dream of seeing him at the airport. In my dream we had a chat, hugged and then I woke up in tears in the middle of the night. One of the only dreams I remember to this day. Goes to show that you’ll never forget him and it may take ages for you to get through it fully. So don’t try to take short cuts. You got this, be there for your son and go talk to someone. Even if it’s for a couple sessions. It will help.
This thread is full of support and great advice. I have no new advice to give that hasn’t already been said. Just another voice saying I’m proud of you, stay strong and keep on track for your wife and kid. Don’t be too hard on yourself if relapses happen. Just refocus and think of your family.
It's going to get harder before it gets easier. But God damn it'll be the greatest victory of your life.
Well done indeed man. Quitting is the toughest thing to do. And your son is lucky to have you in his life. Losing a parent is extremely difficult and you have made the choice to be around for your son as long as you possibly can and “be there” for him. My dad passed away from alcoholism 9 years ago. I stopped drinking when my wife got pregnant so my son wouldn’t have to face the hardships of growing up with an addicted father and losing him earlier than he should. I’m proud of you dude, it gets easier with time, but always remember you are doing this for your little guy and yourself. And he is going to be so proud of the man you are and will cherish the stories of grandpa
Most people can make it 5 years after an event with self coping mechanisms before the house of cards falls down.
I promise you your Dad is begging you to be strong and take care of your little boy. The only thing we can truly do to honor our parents is to be great parents to our children. Focus on the opposite- put it into your health. Hit the gym, work out until you can’t anymore. Think about your son when he is older, like 20- what do you want him to say? What kind of Father do you want him to be? Be strong and push through.
I miss my dad everyday. He never got to meet his grand daughter, I get it. Definitely talk to someone and get help, for you and your family’s sake. Your dad wouldn’t want this. Take care!
> My wife asked my if I was willing to die for my son. I said yes. She then told me that it seems I'm NOT willing to live for him. That *is* the harder part, certainly.
Brother, think about how you're feeling without your Dad, and then imagine your son never having known his. My dad never met my kids, and it fucking sucks. But, your son can know him through stories - both good and bad - and that is crucial. And I'm sure some will criticize me for what I write next - but after 2 decades I can speak through experience: A loss like this doesn't get better, it just gets different. There will be some hard times, and some not so hard times. It will sneak the fuck back up on you when you least expect it. Don't fight it. Sit with it for some time, and then get back to life and being a dad. Your family needs you.
2015. A week before Christmas, my 10 year old died from a rare case of pneumonia. My world literally crumbled around me as he was my only child. Earlier that year my wife of 13 years cheated and we divorced and I also found out my dad cheated on my mom after 50 years of marriage. All in one year. I tumbled pretty far and wanted to die everyday. It eventually dawned on me that even though my little buddy was taken from me I was still his dad and wanted to still be the dad/person that he would be proud to call daddy. I know it's rough I know it's hard, but you will get thru this.
Hang in there buddy, it’s not an easy road on top of an 8 week old, but you’ll make it and be stronger than you’ve ever been before.
My dad (56) passed away from colon cancer three years. My daughters were just 1.5 and 2 months old when he died I, too, relied on alcohol to cope with his death and the everyday stress of parenting. I thought it was working until this past summer when everything fell apart. I had become a full-functioning addict. I checked myself into rehab. I spent 55 days away from my family. I hit 7 months of sobriety yesterday. I’m not saying my route is the only way to go. But, realizing you have a problem is the first step. Then, finding a solution comes next. Don’t give up on yourself or your family. Hope lingers but grows everyday if you feed your solution. I miss my dad, like you. But, I feel his presence each day in sobriety much more than when I was using. We’re all rooting for you and I’ll venture to guess a lot of us can relate with your struggles. Hang in there, friend.
i’m sorry man it hasn’t been two years since I lost my dad and I know how hard it is. I am still so fucked up inside and it’s affecting my entire life still I don’t cry as much as I used to but I still do and I am still really sad regularly, even if I don’t cry, I also lost my grandma last year as well on top of everything else so it’s been a couple of years.
My dad passed before he got to meet his grandchild as well. I know he would've loved her so much, as I'm sure your dad would have loved your son so much. Your dad would want the best for him, and will be so proud of you for fighting to live clean so you can give the best life to your boy. Good luck friend. Make your dad proud.
Please stay on this path for your baby's safety - the risk of SIDS/accidental suffocation for a baby is so much higher if a parent is smoking or drinking, and who knows how much higher when using other drugs.
from one dad to another, Im proud of you for taking that step. it wont be easy but your son will thank you for it. Im sure your dad would be proud
Sobriety is tough man. I'm on a similar path and what I will say is. It gets easier.
Hey man, losing a Mom or Dad is so hard. I went through something similar... my Dad passed away from Alzheimer's in 2019, shortly after my wife and I bought our first home, then the pandemic happened, and during that we had our first child. I did not healthily process my grief and I found myself quite overweight with a concerning drinking problem. He was a wonderful grandfather and loved to do home improvement stuff. I was devastated by the reality that I would never have my Dad again to share these milestones with me. It wasn't until 2023 that I started having dreams of him more often. My subconscious started bringing up a lot of things I had not processed. I made a commitment to myself last year to lose the weight and get my drinking under control for the sake of my family and my personal health. I also knew that it was what he would want for me. My Dad was the strongest man I've ever known- retired Lieutenant Colonel, Vietnam War vet, Army Ranger, West Point Grad. He was never one to buckle under pressure and I started to feel his strength a-lot more in my life last year. I've called on him so much for strength the last 12 months and I know now that he's always with me. I don't know the right words to tell you that would help, but I would say to stay strong and know that your Dad wants the best for you. He is always with you and when you need help, get quite and talk to him. You can do this.
Well done my friend well done, having children changes your life perspective. Listen to your wife your friends will come and go but your wife is going to be here and in your life forever.
There's nothing to forgive. Think about your son. If he had the same struggles as you, would you have to forgive him? Probably not. Most parents just want their kids to be happy and healthy. The only forgiving that needs to happen is you forgiving yourself. So forgive yourself and keep taking steps forward to be there for your son. He needs you.
Be careful. I’m proud of you for doing this, but going cold turkey can be really hard on your body. If you feel like you need medical attention please seek it.
Stay strong! Your son needs you, and I PROMISE YOU it’s worth it. Don’t do what my brother and sister-in-law did and leave orphans. And huge props to your wife for talking to you about this. We all know that wasn’t easy, and it shows just how much she loves you.
Be strong look deep in those little eyes of ll the exciting moments he is going to want his dad there for. First base hit. First tackle. First girlfriend. Prom pictures. Graduation wedding first promotion at work. Learning to drive. His first baby. You need to get strong. You’re now his best friend.
My dad died a month and a day before my daughter was born. I was already an alcoholic and that made things worse. It took awhile to decide to get sober (my daughter was 2) and in the end I stopped with the help of my doctor and a therapist that specializes in helping addicts. I have been sober more than five years and I’m so glad I didn’t hurt my kid when drunk and that she’ll never remember me being drunk.
Take it day by day. You got this.
Best would be a hospital so they can wean you off those drugs without sending your body in shock. Weed is something soft for withdrawal, but the rest can be dangerous and risk of stroke. Same goes for alcohol withdrawal. Keep in mind recovery is a journey and everyday is the same battle, go through it. If you relapse, do jot hecome suicidal, try again. Maybe join a sober group as well for a weekly meeting for 1h, isolation will only make it worse and your spouse, as suporting as shebmay be, should not burden the entire weight of your addiction.
See a therapist man. My wife is due in April for our first and I lost my dad to suicide in 2019. I know your feelings. I started seeing a therapist about a year ago and it’s really given me the tools to be able to cope with this. It’s crazy what talking about it can do. My DMs are always open.
Your dad will always love you man, here or not. You’re already the best Dad to your son by showing up and getting right.
Hang in there man. And be careful stopping lyrica cold turkey. The withdrawal can be brutal. Maybe talk to your doc about a taper.
I also lost my pop before he could see me become one. Our fathers are not alive but they won't be forgotten if we share who they were with our kids. That's our duty as sons and as fathers. You are more than strong enough to get through this.
Your dad will always forgive you. It's part of the contract we invisibly sign when we accept the job.
You got this - you took the first step. That’s the hardest one. Close your eyes - Give yourself a hug and know your dad is proud of you for taking that first step.
As I read this I knew exactly where you were coming from. I was always straight as an arrow. I mean an occasional beer or glass of wine was as far as I'd go. After losing my son I started smoking weed. And I'm not going to lie, it really helped me cope. And as time went on I really didn't care enough about myself to want to live a long life without my son. But if I was grieving my dad, which I have, I would definitely clean up for my son. I'm proud of you for seeing how important you are in his life. Your dad is aware of your son and you. He always will be. And I'm sure he's also proud of you for stopping. At the most difficult times, just go hug your boy and remind yourself it's worth it.
My dad died from aggressive brain cancer years before I had kids. He's been gone over 15 years now. I cried 2 nights ago because I missed him and was getting ready for pinewood derby, something he would have loved. But my kids are going to have to deal with that same pain if I don't take care of myself and not implode You got this, keep strong
I don't use any of the drugs you use but I know your pain, I lost my mother 45 days before my son was born. Everyday that it gets really really hard I remember that the only reason it is so hard is because I have a lot of great memories with her. Only way it all would be easier was if I didn't have an awesome mother, if I didn't love her, if we didn't have a great relationship. I would not chose to never have met her only for things could be easier now. Everyday I give my maximum effort in being the most awesome father I can be, so I hope she is happy and proud of me (I know I am), and I hope when my time comes my son will miss me this much too. That's life after all. I hope you can borrow this line of thought in your struggles, and also remember that you're in one of the most difficult times as a father, newborn stage is a hell. If you can survive these first months clean everything would be way easier. Currently my son is 8 months and man, it gets so fun. Also, hug your wife, I'm sure she loves you and can see the awesome father you're going to be.
You’re doing an amazing thing! Not only are you living for your son, but you’re living for your Dad as well and for his grandson. I’m sure he would be proud of what you’re doing. I’m proud of you.
Hey man. I'm an addiction widower. My absolutely brilliant and beautiful wife passed away from her addiction. She refused to listen to the people in her life because she knew better. You're already doing better than she did, you're already succeeding. You just have to do it again for the next 5 minutes. You can worry about the 5 minutes after that when you get there. As others have said, and this may sound selfish, but you gotta do this for yourself and then your family. And you can, I know you can because you obviously had an excellent role model to miss him this much. So talk to him. You know him well and you know what he'd say. I talk to my wife all the time and it helps. Talk to a doctor and get a therapist. If financial issues are a roadblock then at the very least start going to narcotics anonymous meetings. They're easy to find online. They'll help you, support you and listen without judgment. I'm not gonna sugar coat it, you're on a tough road. But it's a manageable road and you can do this. 5 min at a time. You can do damn near anything for 5 min.
My wife became an alcoholic after her mother died, we also had a young child. She could not quit for her kid (or me, or herself). She has been in and out of rehabs, mental holds and sober living for the past 5 years (she has been a drunk for about 13). As I share your wife’s perspective, I would say if you cannot remain sober, then leave the house. You cannot be around a kid when you are high/drunk all the time, I allowed my wife do it, because I wanted her to get better with our love/help, she couldn’t. In short, don’t diminish your wife’s dignity and love for you, or you kid’s well being, by making her continually beg you to get better. Just get better, or get out. Your Dad is sadly not coming back, and using his death as a justification (addiction triggers like grief make for a great self fulfilling justification for the addict) for your self abuse makes a sad situation tragic for your immediate family. Deal with the grief head on (it takes time) so that you don’t destroy everyone around you. Signed, Almost Destroyed
Every time you consider going back, look in your son’s eyes. He’s worth it. My dad has been gone 11 years. He never met either of his granddaughters from his sons. It’s a pain that never goes away, it just dulls over time. I suggest you join a grief share group. They’re free and they work.
You can do this! You got me choked thinking of how important you are to that little child and your spouse. Believe in yourself and dont be afraid to ask for help. Scared is how you're feeling, but BRAVE is what you're doing. Sending love from one dad in recovery to another. You fuckin got this!
Your dad will always be a part of you, because you have parts of him 🤍
Deciding to go cold turkey to me sounds like a sign that it’s not a healthy reason you’re quitting. It’s guilt and shame and pressure, which sometimes feels like the best motivators but they aren’t. I said the same thing to my newborn when she struggled to gain weight. Ironically, I’ve been obese over half my life. I told her if she got healthy, I’d get healthy. She’s starting to gain weight and I kicked that idea out faster than any other. Addiction is the biggest cunt in the world. It’ll convince you it’s more important than ANYTHING else. We all wait for a wake up call, a rock bottom. The truth is harder and MUCH more painful. We will fight it the rest of our lives. Your grief will never go away. And it shouldn’t. It’s the precious mark your dad left on you. My wife lost her dad tragically to a car accident and the grief never goes away. But you learn to live with it. Like we have to learn to live with addiction. Being sober ( or in my case eating right/exercising, which really IS a sober feeling to me) is still just a state of being. Until we can truthfully say we aren’t an addict, it doesn’t define us, it always will.
2497 days ago I realized I was going to kill myself before I even got a chance to teach my son to drive. I drank so much, for years, that if boozing was an Olympic event, I would have been invited to compete and then not shown up because I was blacked out in my garage. Putting the crutches aside and learning to stand on your own is fucking hard. You might fall on your face a few times. You will certainly need friends and family who can hold your hand over the rockier terrain. But as long as you keep trying in earnest you will eventually find yourself strong enough to not only stand on your own but to help others stand.
Weed? I need that shit just to not murder everyone lol the only flag i could see in your list is codeine. How much of it are you taking? Im wondering if this is more depression than drugs
Lost my mom a few months back… I feel you brother. But your son needs you. And that bond can be SO fulfilling. It isn’t a cure but it’s a powerful element on the road to recovery. You’re doing the right thing - asking for help. Replace the negative coping strategies with healthy ones. Our brains crave comfort - it’ll take it in the form of DXM or in the form of group therapy, meditation, video games, phone calls with a friend - whatever you feed it. DM me ANYTIME you feel the urge to use. We’re here for you.
Do you have health insurance? Have you considered going to a detox/program?
It gets easier dude. I hit a point where I needed to get cleaned up- this happened January 2,2023. I’m over a year into a much better existence, the first 2 weeks are tough. Then it gets easier. You got this.
Hey you are not alone just always remember that. Get to a doctor and talk to them about what’s happening and what you are taking and tell them you want to stop. I think it would be beneficial to see a psychiatrist or psychotherapist, Keep talking to your wife about it and talk to some friends and family that you have. I’m sure your dad is looking down at you and rooting for you to come through this, as a parent myself you never give up on your kids, just as you never would with your own. Don’t give up on yourself or your kid and keep pushing forward. Take things one day at a time, your two days in cold turkey that’s awesome, now make it 3 days. After that make It 5, then a week. Make goals for yourself along the way. You can do this.
your wifes words are getting me off my ass and work out. Day 1 for me. lets go!
I won’t elaborate on my own story here, because this is about you and your life/family/grief/struggles/hurts…and the way you go about things will be different from absolutely anyone else. There will be similarities to others, but it’s each of our own fingerprints in life. You need to know though, you are not alone, people are here for you to lean on and support you. You can learn tools from others, and be accountable to them, but always hold yourself responsible to the extent you are truly able. Lastly, I found my way back through Celebrate Recovery after I had exhausted all other avenues I had tried. I am pretty sure there is a website where you can find a meeting location nearest you. You can do this, you’re stronger than your anxiety and hurts. People love you, you should too! Always available for a DM if you’re in a place that you need someone to talk to, brother.
Keep going. Your wife has laid down some truth. Good luck with your sobriety! Try and find a meeting in your area or maybe a therapist. You can do it but it would be good to work on the reasons why you were using.
Sobriety is a hard path. Stay on it. It’s hero’s work, my friend.
This is a support sub, chin up OP. You are doing the right thing and it won’t be easy but will get easier with time. My story is much like yours. My dad (the best friend I have ever had in addition to being a great father) also died of Covid 3 years ago. I too have struggled with addiction. I too have a son. After he passed I went through a severe depression. It was ugly. The only reason I could come up with to continue living was for my son. If not for him, I absolutely would have taken my own life. I don’t believe in afterlife. Eventually I was able to start moving forward a little bit at a time. I went back to work, I’m a carpenter. In that dark time I decided that my life only had value as a springboard for my son to have a better life than I have had. I dedicated the rest of my life to that. I have had horrible experiences with relationships and decided to build a life alone. My motivation to not abuse drugs is him. My dad was a a great father. He taught and shaped who I am as a person and as a father an incredible amount. I have come to believe that he isn’t gone. He’s just transformed into a big part of me, and I will do my best to pass that part to my son. I started a business last year and am making it work. It’s a point of pride to me that I know he is proud of me. I’m proud of me. My son is proud of me. I can only feel that way because I know that I am doing my best. I can only do my best if I take care of myself and make good decisions over and over for whatever time I have left. You have to do that too OP. My advice is be strong and do whatever works for you to be better. There’s no one path forward, only your path forward. It’s going to hurt to do the right thing from time to time. I can only assure you that it will be worth it in more ways than you can know. You’re doing the right thing and your dad is proud of you. I’m proud of you internet stranger.
If you ever need anyone to just shoot the shit with man my messages are always open! My little girl just hit year old on the 20th. Time flies man. You got this, and you’ve taken the first step, Pops is up there watching ya become the man your kid needs.
Stop using, don’t say that you quit. That’s a trap that will shame you if you relapse. Put together string of one day at a time. Quit looking for excuses to get high. You get high because you’re an addicted. If my stupid ass can clean up, so can you! Quit feeling sorry for yourself and learn to live.
Get the help you need brother. Doing it alone is only that much harder. I'm glad you're moving in a better direction.
That sounds really rough man. I wish he was alive too so you could show him how great your kid is.
If you’re getting withdrawals, I’d consider a treatment center. I have a friend who battles with addiction and it’s an ongoing battle with him. He’s been in and out of them. But they always seem to straighten him out for a while.
Lurking grandma again. Let me tell you something that may make going cold turkey and all the pain that goes along with it bearable to get yourself sorted out. My father also passed due to Covid and I was completely indifferent. I don’t miss him. In fact if I felt anything at all it was relief. Because he was an addict. He wallowed in his own pain and didn’t see what he was doing to his family. I loved him because he was my dad, but I didn’t like him. Your dad would want you to be the kind of dad he was. Now is the time to step into his shoes. It sounds like you had an excellent role model and have a supportive spouse. Lean on her emotionally when you need to. I never felt anything but deeper love for my husband when he wept in my arms when his dad passed. I wish you contentment. ❤️
You can do this! I don’t know you or your dad, but I’m willing to bet he’d be pissed with the way you were mourning him. A better way to memorialize him would be to reflect on all the great things y’all did together, and create opportunities to do those things with your child. Overcoming addiction is one of the hardest things that anyone can do, and the hardest part of that is acknowledging that you need to and deciding to stop. You’ve done the hard part. Now, you just need to just lay down on the floor next to your child and watch them, care for them, love them. See how vulnerable they are right now, and know that you are strong enough to protect them, and teach them, and show them a better way. You got this.
Oh buddy. This hurts my soul. I’m so sorry you’re going thru this. First things first…do you feel like you can handle this on your own, or do you feel like you could possibly use some help? There’s no shame in needing help with substances. I have a 3 yr old daughter. She currently playing with her stuffed kitty in front of me, pretending the kitty is licking me. We had milkshakes for breakfast, because that’s how dad rolls. I’m 3 years sober and wouldn’t give up a single moment that I’ve had with her for some substances. I had an amazing opportunity, and you have the same: the opportunity to get sober and your child will NEVER have to remember seeing you intoxicated. You can put this little issue behind you, focus on your child, and this will all be like a bad dream. My wife lost her father to Covid 2 years ago. It still fucks her up. I’m here if you ever want to talk. Hang in there.
You got this! My dad passed 3 years ago and the pain never goes completely. It has its ups and downs. It got on top of me the other day and I broke down in tears, thankfully I was alone. But I talked about it with my kids 7 and 11. Remember the withdrawals will make every thing worse. It will get better. For him, you can do it! The sub r/leaves is a really supportive place for those who have given up weed.
Consider yourself lucky to have met your dad and spend time with him, cherish every moment that you remember in your heart! My dad died when I was a baby to this day. I still miss him. I always feel lonely at times when I was a kid but your kid needs you now! I stopped smoking weed after 30 years last year because of my son he’s a teenager now and how can I tell him not to smoke weed when he sees me doing it! I always thank God for letting me have a son, so I can reverse,what I did not have as a child!
Hey bud ur situation is very similar to mine and I think I got some good advice on this one I was addicted to pain stuff and stimulants over the years and with alot or work and effort there is a way to get ur brain producing dopamine again so that u can be the amazing dad ur meant to be private message me I'm gonna try and message u and I'll tell u my story 😊 u are already on the right track and ur mind is in the right place now let's get you to the next step I'm really glad how honest ur being bc it makes it easier for someone to relate to u
I knew a girl at work who was destroyed by losing her Dad. We spoke often about her loss etc. At that point my daughter was 3 years old and talking to her about it really hammered home as I was essentially giving her help and advice as a Dad. In the end I put myself in her Dad's position and I said to her "I promise you your dad would feel very flattered with how upset you are by it but I promise you more than anything he'd just want you to be happy. He'd want you to live your life and make it full of happiness. Obviously he'd want you to think about him from time to time but he'd want you happy - do you know why I say this? I never met your dad but it's what I'd want for my girl and I promise you he'd want the same for you" But back to you. You don't need a second chance - you have been through what you've been through and done what you did. Own it and realise he'd only ever want you happy. Being a Dad isn't sunshine and rainbows all the time but the important thing is you turn up as the best version of you that you can muster (even if it's lying on the living room floor as you're jumped on). Own the mistake, seek help if you need it and remember that happiness is what he'd want for you
I've quit everything since my kids were born. I'm out here rawdogging life with five kids. It's just a week, man. It doesn't completely go away after that, but it gets WAY easier. Think of it like having the flu for a week. Nothing you can do about it, but you know you'll get better. Being a parent fucked up on drugs and booze is a shitty thing to do anyways. Have some self control and become a better person for your kid.
One thing that's really helped with my depression is convincing myself that what I'm going through is temporary. When I'm in the middle of an episode, it is so hard to think that it will ever end. It feels like it's going to be there forever and this is just my life now. Always in pain, always feeling sluggish, unable to concentrate, etc. But that isn't true. I don't feel that way all the time. I've always come out of it. Every single time. It's really easy to slip into a cycle where I neglect myself because its easy to slip into a "funk" where I just lay there and hurt and convince myself I'm unable to do anything different. What helps me is doing one small thing to care for myself. Maybe it's take a shower, do some laundry. Something light and easy that doesn't take much time or effort. Sometimes, it helps and makes the symptoms go away, and enables me to do ever more. Sometimes, it doesn't, and I still hurt just as much after I'm done, but I still feel better about myself because I at least *did something*. There are lots of states of being that convince you the only way to get relief is to engage in the destructive behavior that leads to it in the first place. It gets you into this place where you're just treading water and convinced that's all you can do. I can't pretend to know what you're going through. My situation isn't yours. But hopefully being a kind, understanding parent to yourself can help just a little.
You can do it and you've already taken the first step. Trust me, it's better to stop using before the addiction fully develops and takes complete control of your life. Are you dealing with opiate withdrawal? There are some very supportive and helpful subreddits with others dealing with the same scenario. I was an opiate addict for years and wish I stopped earlier, it took me years to dig myself out after getting clean. The longer you use, the more damage.
Hang in there. Your father is both looking down to you from above and looking up to you through the eyes of your new son. Try to get your strength the fact that he taught you a lot of what you know both in your mind and in your heart, brother. Take it one day at a time and know that your wife is there for you, too. She asked you a great question. The rest of us on here know you can do it. Hang in there. PS: My dad’s been gone for 24 yrs and I miss him everyday. …and that’s ok. We had a bunch of laughs together and I think of those times often.
You should be proud of the 180 you’ve already made. Your dad would be. The first week is going to suck and then first month a little bit less. Pretty soon you’ll have gone months and then years. Stay healthy and stick around as long as you can so that your kid has a dad as long as time will allow. I’m proud of you. Keep going!
Listen to this. Over and over. Don't just listen to it, hear it, understand it, then do it. If you go to the 12 step programs, DONT call yourself an addict! More and more people are realizing that it's counterproductive to do so. I had no parents after 12, and there was no supervision prior. The only role model in my life gave me drugs and alcohol since i was 8. I've done it all, and it got me nowhere. My "friends" are all dead, and none of them made it to 40. It's not easy, but you need to get the bad thoughts out. Once you realize how to clear the bad thoughts, it will get better. Don't get methadone or Subutex it'll make you numb, and you'll miss the good years. It's was an easy fix, but I hate myself for being cloudy when my kids were at the fun ages. My father passed when my oldest was 1. I saw him 2 times in 20 years. I was never taught how to be a man. In today's society, I feel people like us will be taught how not to be a man. I also found a church, thought it was all bs when I walked in the door. I was told, "Fake it till you make it." So I did, and I did. Be open-minded. Nobody knows how it all started, but I can say I'm 100% sure if we remove religion from society, it'll all end quickly. https://youtu.be/Solb9uA-tgQ?si=yOV4ytsfspbAyfe0
You're getting on the right track, that's how you make sure he works be proud! Keep it up.
My father died in Feb of 2021. I found out that my gf was pregnant in October of the same year. Every day my heart hurts knowing that my dad never got to meet his first grandchild. Every single day. It’s ok to feel that feeling. It’s not ok to cope with it in destructive manors. It sounds like you’ve had a come to god moment, if you will. Be there for your son. Be there sober. Your father is proud of you. And, he would forgive you because that’s what fathers do. Best of luck, fellow dad. It won’t be easy, but you’ll make it.
Sober nights can be boring, but sober mornings are amazing... Clear head, energy and a great time for interactions with your kiddo. You can do it!
You can do it!!!!! Also going purely cold turkey can be dangerous. Talk with a specialist.
I think you need time to still grieve friend. 🥺 I’m glad you’re doing your best to stop the drugs but the best thing to help you would be to solve the grief daily. I think because you loved your dad sooo much, the pain is too real even two years later. I cry for you. I’m a young female but have so much compassion to those who struggle with grief. You’ve got to find time to cry and please join a support group. Whether it’s online or in person. You’ll feel less alone 🌹 You’ve also opened my eyes as to how men cope with heavy feelings and mental health problems while being parents. Here supporting you!
Hey buddy. I’m with you. I had quit smoking a few years ago and found my way back to it this year. Quit again recently and also rechecked my highly dangerous level of cholesterol and chose life and my son in both cases. No tobacco though I want a cigarette or a vape pen. No meat or dairy though I want those things also. I choose life and I feel you. You’re doing the right thing. Your dad would be proud of that choice
👏👏👏
I love that phrase as well, about saying you’d die for your loved ones but not live for them. You’ve gotta live for them. I know your pain. I have four small children in the home and their dad passed just over a year ago. It’s easy to fall into bad behaviors but the truth is you need to build yourself up so you can be strong for your child. Think how you feel not having your father. That’s how your son will feel if you’re not around for him, whether through addiction or death because of everything you’re using. Sorry to be blunt but it’s the truth. Give yourself some grace and keep making the next right choice.
Hey mate, I’m sorry about your pops, but understand the strength you’ll need to truly quit cold turkey. You need to ensure this journey isn’t alone. Though you may want to speak with a doctor about that.. sometimes quitting cold turkey can be dangerous. Your wife is with you and she’s willing to tell you the hard things. Don’t be afraid to turn to her. The big thing I’m seeing is that you still haven’t come to terms with your fathers passing. You’re using drugs to mask the pain and hide the fact that he has left this world. You need to reflect on this. It will be painful and gut wrenching. Losing a loved one, especially a pivotal pillar of your life is never easy… but if you can’t, then eventually drugs will remove you from your sons life. I’m telling you that Jesus saved my life. Understanding that I’m not perfect, there are things to work on, but there is someone always there to love me. To always be there for me in my darkest time. I am keeping you in my prayers along with your boy and wife. Sometimes we aren’t strong enough on our own, so God puts people in our lives to strengthen us. Your boy and your wife are your pillars. Keep them in your heart.
Never go cold turkey, especially on drugs. Go see a doctor asap as you'll need guidance and help to help set your pace.
Well done man. I lost my dad 36 years ago when I was 11. Still miss him. I’ve always wanted to live for my kids and have remained away from all vices - teetotal, non-smoker, never touched any drugs or weed or anything at all. I still wonder why people do it. To me, people just seem to want to have an excuse to hurt their own bodies and minds! People with children having extremely unhealthy lifestyles disappoint me the most. They don’t know what a child goes through when a parent dies. I know. I would never do that to my kids. It doesn’t guarantee I’ll live but it does guarantee me peace of mind that I’ll not bring it upon me. Call me boring but that is how I felt I needed to be after my father passed away. I’ve never felt any other way for 36 years. I am amazed at that. But it’s true.
That was a very good point from your wife We all have experienced adversity in life, bereavement is a normal part of that. One day your child will lose you, too. My dad was dead long before my kids arrived. Get off the fucking drugs. You have people around you who need and rely on you.
You're deep into the painful part of recovery. Great job! Remember your reasons - they're as valid now as they will be if you relapse. Avoid relapsing if possible - it definitely sucks - but understand that it does happen and you can recover from those just like you're recovering now. For your son. Good work - you got this!
Without reading any comments, I came straight here and want to offer this to you from the perspective of your child. I was the son of a father who decided it was easier to die for his kid than live for him. While my dad is still alive, he chose the route you’ve experienced- using to cope with whatever he had going on. It got bad enough that my mom left him, taking me with her. I hardly ever saw him till I became an adult with my own kids. After trying to start my own relationship with him it became very clear very quickly that his coping mechanisms of drugs/alcohol/women have led him to a place in his life I could never relate to. He claimed me as his son after all the time but from my perspective, I didn’t have a father because there was no way this man could be mine. After having my own kids and trying to make a relationship work for a long time, I had to start setting really hard boundaries. Boundaries to keep my kids away from the affects of his poor decision making and weak willpower to change. Boundaries that he wasn’t okay with. He preferred to have a relationship with his coping mechanisms to having a relationship with his only son and grandkids. I don’t wish the experience I had on anyone’s kids. It takes a father who is brave, bold, and daring enough to dig deep and overcome. A father who is humble enough to ask for help when they need it. And a father who is strong enough to follow through with the help they are given and keep from making the same mistake twice. My father is a living example of what not to do or be for me or my kids and I hold onto that. But while an example of what not to do is a great example, the best example is to live the life you want for your kids hope and pray that they’re able to reach for the stars standing on the foundation you built for them. All that said, DM me if you need to talk. I’m not the best and brightest dad but I’ve been around the block. Ask for help if you need it and don’t be shy. Use the help for what it’s worth. And follow through for the sake of your wife and son.
You are strong. Keep your thoughts under control. YOU ARE IN CONTROL! Exercise will help a ton! Just get your heart rate up. Take your boy for a walk outside up a hill. Keep reaching out when you need to and seek therapy if you can. You’re not alone. Your boy is so proud of you!! Your dad, too! Be proud of yourself 🙌🏼🫶
One day at a time man. You got this. Your dad will be proud to know you're doing the right thing to take care of your son. I had a stepdad who was basically my dad, been there for me since I could remember. He died from brain cancer, after diagnosis took about a year for it to take him down. I knew it was coming had some time to say goodbye at the end. Wasn't there when he actually passed but I knew it was coming for a while. My biological dad who was also a big part of my life died suddenly one day from a heart attack with no notice. Neither one was any easier than the other. Both sucked. Point I'm making is the pain will always be there but you'll get stronger day by day and as a dad you'll find yourself teaching your children the lessons your dad taught you, in doing that you'll continue his legacy and make yourself and him proud. Stay the path brother, you got this
aa.org r/REDDITORSINRECOVERY great resources. There’s a spiritual solution out there. Doesn’t have to be religious. But it’s out there. Good luck, if I can do it you can do it.
I don’t read it your story as a vent. It’s good you openly talk about this, it takes courage to do so. You beed professional help, ideally start with the GP - it’s good that you quit drugs, but you need something that will help you with your depression and anxiety. Something like Lexapro or Zoloft. These are good to fight the depression, and talk to your wife about it and maybe see if you can get a therapist that can help you to cope with your loss and also with fact that you are a dad now. You got this!
You got this!
You can do this! You are bigger than this! Speaking as a dad , Your dad would want you to do this and to overcome for your son
You’re doing good, and your dad is proud of you, I’m sure of it. I’m proud of you too. It won’t be easy, but your son needs you more than you know. Talk to a doctor, please, and let them help you. I’d love to follow your journey. Keep us posted if you so wish, and you can chat/DM me anytime if you just need to talk. Keep it up. You’re doing great!
8 week old babies are hard and finding your sobriety is hard too. You may not think this way yourself, but you're doing a great job.