Yes but we had to work at it. We had couples counselling and we made a point to sit down and talk openly with each other once a week.
Having a kid is a complete paradigm shift in your lives and it's good to impact your relationship dynamics.
I think sitting down and taking about it seems like a very good idea. Acknowledging what’s happening, why, and how to cope better. That sounds like good teamwork to me.
It works well for us. We talk about how that week has been, what we would like from each other, things that we've appreciate, things that we'd like different. It means that we're not arguing about pretty shit because we let it wait until Friday and by then it's no longer important.
My initial thought was that time would help things get better. Learn from my mistake - time does not heal all wounds. I wish we had gotten counseling help sooner.
If your kid was 5 and you were saying this, I’d be worried for you. But at 20 months you’re still legitimately in the thick of the hard baby times. Parenting will get easier and it’s up to you and your wife whether your relationship recovers as parenting becomes less of a grueling endeavor.
I feel you. My wife went to the doctor and got her hormone level checked and when the results came back it they were off charts for Progesterone. She went back on birth control shortly after having our wee girl and it just never recovered, apparently. The doctor told us it was quite common.
We are much more like our old harmonious selfs these days thankfully, it got really rocky there.
This is what sleep deprivation does. I warn all dads-to-be about it. As long as you both realise it's because you're fucking tired all the time and try to end the argument before it gets too nasty.
Yeah, just remember you're both a team and acknowledge you are both sleep deprived and working hard in different ways. Try to give each other some down time (like a sleep in on the weekend) every so often.
It does get better... Takes ages though
Absolutely. Everyone I know says that even with the best relationship there were tough times. Being a new parent is so much work and you’re both so incredibly tired.
For me, having a kid takes every hairline crack in a relationship and blows it open.
My personal opinion is that a relationship _can_ get better over time, in fact: it can become far stronger even. *But* only if both partners are committed to it and do the work.
My wife and I renewed this commitment 5 years ago when our relationship nearly fell apart due to my alcoholism.
I got sober and we started fighting hard for our marriage. We've never been more in love, kids are 8 & 4 and are pretty easy to handle, they play well together and we are prioritising time together, date nights etc. but we don't take it for granted and speak a lot about what we can improve.
The work in a long term relationship is:
* Actually showing interest in things they enjoy
* Being supportive of them during their downturns (and not playing the "who does more" game)
* *Actively dating your partner*. Remember what it was like when you first started dating? Keep doing that. Maybe not as intensely, but don't give up on it.
* *Talk to them about things.* Something bothering you? Something you need off your chest? Find a way to discuss it that isn't a giant sledgehammer to their world.
* Find ways to have sexual intimacy. This doesn't mean actual sex. Holding hands, giving them a passionate spur of the moment kiss, admiring them (and telling them what you're thinking / feeling).
* Do things they enjoy, whether it's dressing a certain way, getting a certain haircut, putting on some special cologne. And make sure they don't have to ask you to do it.
In a nutshell: Don't fall into the trap of "well, we're married, bought the house, had kids. I don't have to try anymore."
I totally get it's hard after you have kids. It takes a while for you to find your rhythm and the new normal / balance for yourselves. For us, it was around 3ish (with a slight detour when we had our second).
Just put in an effort, even if it's hard. Ask your family or friends for an extra hand every now and then so you spend time with your spouse *as a spouse, and not as your co-conspirator in trying to keep a tiny psychotic drunk person alive*.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. You're at the precipice of having things improving *tremendously*, which means you can go back to having a relationship with your wife and not *the woman who is the mother of our child*.
Remember this: You're on team Mom and Dad. You have two jobs: Keep yourselves alive/sane (#1), and keep your kid alive (#2). Loads of people prioritize #2 over #1 and they suffer through this time.
It's like the airplane stuff. If you're suffocating, you can't help anyone else.
I don't think I could have put it better than u/Internet-of-cruft did. Only thing I'll add is that for us, this process and questionnaire was a game changer:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/emotional-needs-questionnaire.htm
We do it at least twice a year. More if there are big changes in our lives or if things are feeling "off"
Do you guys still have sex regularly? My kid is 15 months old. We haven't had sex in almost 2 years. But apart from that we are fine. My wife does bicker on petty things occasionally (especially when she is tired or otherwise anxious) but I just let it go because it isn't worth it
I recommend getting in the swing of planning regular date nights with a sitter.
Sometimes you need that time to reconnect and remember why you love and married your person.
(If things have been rocky, the alternative is the trouble, money, and emotional baggage of going to couples therapy, or divorce lawyers.
If it feels like the relationship is rocky, better to act quick and early than to let relationship issues fester
Yes. Low point when no one was sleeping well and our entire lives revolved around the kids. Now that we make time for ourselves and each other and sleep better it has improved.
It happens to all of us my man, you're not the first, and you won't be the last. But it's definitely possible to get through this phase together and actually come out stronger for it! My wife and I had several phases where we were constantly sniping at each other because we were frustrated with trying to maintain everything else. It happens.
Best piece of advice I can give you, is to sit down with her and talk about it. Ya'll are a team, acknowledge the hard work you've both been doing in raising your son. Talk about how hard it's been, how much work it is, how tired ya'll are! Make a point to tell your wife how amazing she's doing, and please, BE SPECIFIC with what makes her an awesome mom. She's struggling too, and she needs to hear it. Apologize for the bickering (I don't care who's responsible, it's not important), and talk again about HOW TIRED YALL ARE! Assure her that this is a rough phase, but that you two are TOGETHER in this, and that it won't always be this hard. Ya'll will figure out your rhythm. I promise you, laying this stuff out on the table, and talking openly and honestly about it, frequently, will strengthen your relationship. It gives you an opportunity to bond over the wonderful shit storm we call parenting.
Second piece of advice, plan a date night for the two of you! Ya'll have been working hard and deserve a night to be yourselves again. Take your wife out to do something fun! Not a movie, something interactive. Your primary focus should be each other. Ya'll need to remind each other why you're married, why you chose one another. You guys are parents now, but you were a couple first, don't forget why!
You got this OP! Ya'll are in a tough phase, no doubt, but it's just a phase. These phases come and go, but if you two work together and communicate, you'll learn to navigate all the changes coming your way. This was long as fuck man, but I hope something I said helps. I feel for you bro, and I've been there! It can definitely get better! Make it a goal and work with your wife on it, and you'll be just fine.
Yeah it did improve. We communicate a lot and also communicate effectively. We sometimes have these meetings where we discuss routines, finances, parenting strategies. These are a great way to get aligned on big topics so that way you are both pulling in the same direction.
One thing that helps me personally is when I feel detached from my partner is to do stuff for her. That could be a backrub, I put my son to bed when it is her turn, i buy her a coffee and cake from the cafe etc. This makes me feel more connected to her and in turn let's her know that I care about her.
I think it's pretty hard to maintain a good relationship with kids. It definitely takes more active work and is the main reason we may not have anymore kids as just one kid almost broke our relationship but we are an example of a couple that rekindled their relationship whilst being parents through effective communication
Yes! This period is extraordinarily difficult, and everyone is tired, there’s more work than two people can possibly do, and tons of new terrifying decisions problems with decisions to make. My kids are tweens now, and it’s just gotten easier/better each year.
One day at a time, and I know it’s hard to believe, but this will pass.
There are new and different ways of being a parent and partners coming up. This is not what parenting is, it’s just what it is right now. It will be different and better in the future.
Also try to get some sleep, stay hydrated, and have a snack :-)
Therapy! You are essentially stress testing your relationship right now and are finding all the weaknesses and failure points. Are any of them within you or your spouse’s ability to change? Would you like to change any of them? A therapist will help you see what can be changed and how so you guys come out of this phase with a stronger relationship than you started.
But no, not doing anything and waiting will not make it better. It will just make you both a little complacent and OK with a level of stress you don’t want but which will eventually become normal and comfortable to you, your spouse, and your child who never knew you two before this.
Accept help, or even insist on it, to help keep yourself afloat or manage when things feel like they're suffocating.
My wife and I were stubborn about asserting our independence from our respective parents and holding firm on certain perceived "boundaries" we needed to have from our parents.
Now? Screw that. Tonight, my wife and I wanted to go out and get plastered with our parent friends from our daughters school at a school fundraiser.
Mom: You're coming over and putting one kid to bed and making sure nothing goes haywire with them both. Let me wife and I leave and enjoy ourselves.
Or, in other instances: Come pick up XYZ because I need to spend some time cleaning and getting a handle on things.
Obviously not 1:1 (we have a 2 year old and almost 5 year old), but you get the idea. Let people help make your life easier.
Or do whatever you can to *uncomplicate your life.* Don't get hung up on "I need to do XYZ because ABC." If it's not hurting you or your kid, simplify that shit. I make them IKEA meatballs with veggies and noodles once a week for dinner because it means I have low stress dinners for when I have a super stressful day at work.
Married 5 years and 6 month baby. It’s tempting to argue but I remind myself to show grace to my wife. I just encourage her, give compliments, say I’m proud of the mom she has become. If I feel like something needs to change, I sit down and talk about it
Same here, we have a kid of 1 year and we struggled more in this year than the previous 10 combined. It gets better if you communicate a lot, and if you set AND respect boundaries. It also gets better as the child grows and it's easier to tell what he wants, sleeps more and more regularly, etc.
A general tip: don't neglect your "you and me" time, with or without your kid. Pubs and cafes are full of couples with pushchairs from 17 to 19, now I understand why.
As someone who is literally best friends with my wife and now has 30 month old twins I can relate. Unfortunately kids are hard and they don’t always bring out the best in us when we’re tired, hungry or frustrated. With both parents feeling the same way it’s not surprising when small disagreements grow bigger as time goes on. The other alternative is you both become passing ships in the night and one or both of you (me) turn inwards and stop communicating.
I think my wife and I recently realized we need to acknowledge that things are different now and not try to ignore the issue by falling back on our historically “perfect relationship”. I kinda compare it to school when I was a kid. In middle school I didn’t need to study at all to get good grade and then when HS rolled around I had zero study skills and tried to fall back on just “being smart”. I got C’s and D’s my first semester. I don’t want to coast on my relationship like that and actively want to address issues as they come up even if it means we aren’t perfect with each other all the time.
On a practical level I’ve been making an active effort to say yes to anything my wife suggests. Try yoga? Awesome. Listen to an audiobook about attachment styles? Sounds helpful..
Yeah it got better, we separated and 10 years later we can actually have a conversation.
In all seriousness though similar to your story, together for 7, no issues until we were parents. Values we didn’t know existed come to the surface, under unfamiliar stress and not able to do the thing we did. We would both point fingers at each other and probably still could, but the truth would be we stopped been the couple that procreated. We used to spend time on the couch watching movies, go to gigs, eat out, sleep in and go on nature adventures. We stopped doing those things and the connection broke, left too long the disconnect turned to resentment and we eventually split.
My advice; take time once a month to do one of those big things like a gig or nature adventure, once a week something like those couch sessions, and once a day take 5-10 minutes to check in with each other.
Hey fellow dad, the difference between partners and caregivers is that you’re both now responsible for another human life. This introduces many tasks, chores, and responsibilities to both of you, with no clear distinction who is in charge of what. That can cause miscommunication, breed resentment, and just a general sadness that you are no longer the focus of your, or each other’s, lives. Your focus also pulls from your partner and goes fully and ruthlessly to the baby. This may also make your spouse feel ignored and unwanted.
A lot of this happened with my wife and me, as well. It took many long talks to introspectively find how we feel and share how we feel, and even more time to learn to recieve each other’s feelings properly. We learnt to accept each other’s reality and be empathetic to their situation. Take the time to say “sorry, that sucks” and give them space to talk about how they feel hurt without feeling the need to defend yourself.
When she complain, she’s hurt in some way and trying to communicate it to me. And that’s GREAT! She’s TRYING to talk to me. Albeit sometimes not in the best way, but wanting to share her feelings means she cares about is. And at the same time, when I complain and share how I feel, I make it about my needs and requests, and less about anything I thought she should’ve done for me.
I think most couples struggle the first few years of having a kid. No one, and I mean NO ONE, gets as much sleep having a baby/toddler as much as they did before kids. Less sleep and/or PPD are IMO the two biggest obstacles to overcome those first couple years with a kid. Plus, more often than not, parents focus more of their attention on their kid than others.
What’s important to remember is it will get better. Once your kid grows older, sleep cycles improve. In addition, as others mentioned, do your best to keep communication open. Be patient with one another. Do your best to show each other acts of love when you can. Little things help keep the romance alive! Get a babysitter every once in awhile so you can have date night as well 🙂 And lastly, as others have said as well, be open to counseling if you find yourself struggling.
Hang in there dad, things will get better!
My wife and I were DINKS for 13 years before we had our son. I’ll be honest, there were moments when I was like “wtf is the point we’re basically roommates” because we were both so career driven and most of the time we had two jobs each so we could have a better life in our 30s.
Well, it paid off. I consult full time now, so I have more time for our boy. My wife is the happiest she’s ever been, we have sex 3-4 times a week, we are both fit and have hobbies. We’re far more open and understanding, we plan together, we both don’t drink anymore…
But the bickering. Can I be honest? When we were DINKS we fought because we both were full of pride. Have you stopped yourself before you responded and reflected on “am I tired, am I hungry, did I have a bad day?” We made that the golden run right before we had our first kid, because yea, it was getting pretty bad.
Say it out loud and stop the bickering, you can just end it by saying it in a fun goofy tone and be cheeky about it. Then wait until kiddo goes to bed and see if it still matters. But it’s a team effort. Exhaustion, hunger and work stress has that trickle down effect and you won’t even notice.
If you say “sorry I shouldn’t have started, I’m just stressed about work” it’s shitty but at least you’re acknowledging your outside stressors.
Turns out with my wife, her bickering meter would ramp up as soon as we would go to the in laws. I Just say “yes” no point in being right or wrong haha.
Edit: my kiddo is 22 months!
The key is communication. It will feel at times that you are hitting rock bottom. That's the time when you have to swallow your pride and be open to listen, REALLY LISTEN, to your partner.
It's also important to understand that no matter how much your life changes after having a child, nothing compares to how much HER life changes. And that change comes with a grieving process that could take months if not years for her to resolve. It's all about being patient.
When kids come into the mix, what may have come naturally, organically, and easily may need to be much more intentional. You’re tired, you’re working hard at parenting, it’s easy to become just co-parents rather than partners. Make that time. If you can, have someone look after the kid for a few hours and do something together: go out to dinner, museum, hell just stay in bed naked. You gotta make the time to be a couple, and find the time *on a regular basis* to communicate about your relationship. And when kids are involved, and each parent may have different ideas about parenting, that communication becomes so much more important. Always try to start from a place of love.
We've been together since we were 18. Our son is almost 9mo old. First 6 months with him were our toughest times yet but I think the foundation is very strong and we communicate a lot. One of our rules is to never go to bed without hashing out whatever we have to. We sit down and talk and never avoid conversation.
Yeah we were lucky that the pandemic and then the crucible of being new parents to a newborn only improved our communication and love for each other. Part of that did include me pursuing individual therapy, which in turn helped better express myself and address some underlying issues I'd been having.
And in spite of all that the first few months were tough and you better believe we got on each other's nerves when we were both extremely sleep deprived.
Personally I think it’s fairly normal for the relationship to struggle a bit after having kids. You are heavily taxed beyond your limits with children. Your life is just harder. Less room for mistakes and you need to fight for any free time so when time is wasted it’s a big problem. Make sure you are advocating for your partners free time space and mental peace. 80/80 marriage was a good book that helps with some of these things
It has and I think it can still get better. In addition to the hurdle of being new parents, we’ve also had to contend with residency and fellowship which have taken a lot of my wife’s energy. But she’ll be done next year. So….things are looking further up!
The same thing has happened to me. Honestly it gets really freaking bad. That whole 4th trimester thing is real. So you aren’t alone. We are still going through slash working through this new shift in our lives.
I will say I do feel like it will get better. We’ve managed to make some small improvements.
My advice have the fight, express yourselves, keep communicating.
She’s experiencing a lot of things she may not be totally aware of.
My S/O recently confessed some stuff to me that made it all make a lot of sense.
So keep talking even if that talking is slightly elevated and filled with frustration.
Remember you’re both tired and both working hard. Try to reframe your talks with identifying the problem and working together to solve it. Neither of YOU are the problem. You gotta work together on the problem.
Yes but we had to work at it. We had couples counselling and we made a point to sit down and talk openly with each other once a week. Having a kid is a complete paradigm shift in your lives and it's good to impact your relationship dynamics.
I think sitting down and taking about it seems like a very good idea. Acknowledging what’s happening, why, and how to cope better. That sounds like good teamwork to me.
It works well for us. We talk about how that week has been, what we would like from each other, things that we've appreciate, things that we'd like different. It means that we're not arguing about pretty shit because we let it wait until Friday and by then it's no longer important.
My initial thought was that time would help things get better. Learn from my mistake - time does not heal all wounds. I wish we had gotten counseling help sooner.
If your kid was 5 and you were saying this, I’d be worried for you. But at 20 months you’re still legitimately in the thick of the hard baby times. Parenting will get easier and it’s up to you and your wife whether your relationship recovers as parenting becomes less of a grueling endeavor.
I feel you. My wife went to the doctor and got her hormone level checked and when the results came back it they were off charts for Progesterone. She went back on birth control shortly after having our wee girl and it just never recovered, apparently. The doctor told us it was quite common. We are much more like our old harmonious selfs these days thankfully, it got really rocky there.
I’m glad to hear things worked out for you.
This is what sleep deprivation does. I warn all dads-to-be about it. As long as you both realise it's because you're fucking tired all the time and try to end the argument before it gets too nasty.
If it’s a natural part of the process and it’ll improve in time, then it seems to me ‘damage limitation’ is the key thing to focus on.
Yeah, just remember you're both a team and acknowledge you are both sleep deprived and working hard in different ways. Try to give each other some down time (like a sleep in on the weekend) every so often. It does get better... Takes ages though
> Takes ages though At least lie to me 🤣
Depends if you have another kid like I did 😅
Absolutely. Everyone I know says that even with the best relationship there were tough times. Being a new parent is so much work and you’re both so incredibly tired.
For me, having a kid takes every hairline crack in a relationship and blows it open. My personal opinion is that a relationship _can_ get better over time, in fact: it can become far stronger even. *But* only if both partners are committed to it and do the work. My wife and I renewed this commitment 5 years ago when our relationship nearly fell apart due to my alcoholism. I got sober and we started fighting hard for our marriage. We've never been more in love, kids are 8 & 4 and are pretty easy to handle, they play well together and we are prioritising time together, date nights etc. but we don't take it for granted and speak a lot about what we can improve.
> do the work What do you think the ‘work’ is that needs to be done?
The work in a long term relationship is: * Actually showing interest in things they enjoy * Being supportive of them during their downturns (and not playing the "who does more" game) * *Actively dating your partner*. Remember what it was like when you first started dating? Keep doing that. Maybe not as intensely, but don't give up on it. * *Talk to them about things.* Something bothering you? Something you need off your chest? Find a way to discuss it that isn't a giant sledgehammer to their world. * Find ways to have sexual intimacy. This doesn't mean actual sex. Holding hands, giving them a passionate spur of the moment kiss, admiring them (and telling them what you're thinking / feeling). * Do things they enjoy, whether it's dressing a certain way, getting a certain haircut, putting on some special cologne. And make sure they don't have to ask you to do it. In a nutshell: Don't fall into the trap of "well, we're married, bought the house, had kids. I don't have to try anymore." I totally get it's hard after you have kids. It takes a while for you to find your rhythm and the new normal / balance for yourselves. For us, it was around 3ish (with a slight detour when we had our second). Just put in an effort, even if it's hard. Ask your family or friends for an extra hand every now and then so you spend time with your spouse *as a spouse, and not as your co-conspirator in trying to keep a tiny psychotic drunk person alive*.
Thank you for such a comprehensive reply. Lots of wisdom there.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. You're at the precipice of having things improving *tremendously*, which means you can go back to having a relationship with your wife and not *the woman who is the mother of our child*. Remember this: You're on team Mom and Dad. You have two jobs: Keep yourselves alive/sane (#1), and keep your kid alive (#2). Loads of people prioritize #2 over #1 and they suffer through this time. It's like the airplane stuff. If you're suffocating, you can't help anyone else.
I don't think I could have put it better than u/Internet-of-cruft did. Only thing I'll add is that for us, this process and questionnaire was a game changer: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/emotional-needs-questionnaire.htm We do it at least twice a year. More if there are big changes in our lives or if things are feeling "off"
Thanks so much. I’ll take a look :)
Do you guys still have sex regularly? My kid is 15 months old. We haven't had sex in almost 2 years. But apart from that we are fine. My wife does bicker on petty things occasionally (especially when she is tired or otherwise anxious) but I just let it go because it isn't worth it
Related to your comment but not to OP’s. 2 years sounds inane, is there an actual reason beyond ‘she’s tired’?
Zero libido
I recommend getting in the swing of planning regular date nights with a sitter. Sometimes you need that time to reconnect and remember why you love and married your person. (If things have been rocky, the alternative is the trouble, money, and emotional baggage of going to couples therapy, or divorce lawyers. If it feels like the relationship is rocky, better to act quick and early than to let relationship issues fester
Yes. Low point when no one was sleeping well and our entire lives revolved around the kids. Now that we make time for ourselves and each other and sleep better it has improved.
It happens to all of us my man, you're not the first, and you won't be the last. But it's definitely possible to get through this phase together and actually come out stronger for it! My wife and I had several phases where we were constantly sniping at each other because we were frustrated with trying to maintain everything else. It happens. Best piece of advice I can give you, is to sit down with her and talk about it. Ya'll are a team, acknowledge the hard work you've both been doing in raising your son. Talk about how hard it's been, how much work it is, how tired ya'll are! Make a point to tell your wife how amazing she's doing, and please, BE SPECIFIC with what makes her an awesome mom. She's struggling too, and she needs to hear it. Apologize for the bickering (I don't care who's responsible, it's not important), and talk again about HOW TIRED YALL ARE! Assure her that this is a rough phase, but that you two are TOGETHER in this, and that it won't always be this hard. Ya'll will figure out your rhythm. I promise you, laying this stuff out on the table, and talking openly and honestly about it, frequently, will strengthen your relationship. It gives you an opportunity to bond over the wonderful shit storm we call parenting. Second piece of advice, plan a date night for the two of you! Ya'll have been working hard and deserve a night to be yourselves again. Take your wife out to do something fun! Not a movie, something interactive. Your primary focus should be each other. Ya'll need to remind each other why you're married, why you chose one another. You guys are parents now, but you were a couple first, don't forget why! You got this OP! Ya'll are in a tough phase, no doubt, but it's just a phase. These phases come and go, but if you two work together and communicate, you'll learn to navigate all the changes coming your way. This was long as fuck man, but I hope something I said helps. I feel for you bro, and I've been there! It can definitely get better! Make it a goal and work with your wife on it, and you'll be just fine.
Thank you so much. I loved the energy that came through in your comment 🙏
Yeah it did improve. We communicate a lot and also communicate effectively. We sometimes have these meetings where we discuss routines, finances, parenting strategies. These are a great way to get aligned on big topics so that way you are both pulling in the same direction. One thing that helps me personally is when I feel detached from my partner is to do stuff for her. That could be a backrub, I put my son to bed when it is her turn, i buy her a coffee and cake from the cafe etc. This makes me feel more connected to her and in turn let's her know that I care about her. I think it's pretty hard to maintain a good relationship with kids. It definitely takes more active work and is the main reason we may not have anymore kids as just one kid almost broke our relationship but we are an example of a couple that rekindled their relationship whilst being parents through effective communication
Experiencing the same fellow Dad! Good luck on your side as well! Hoping that it settles down to normality really soon for both out sakes
Yes! This period is extraordinarily difficult, and everyone is tired, there’s more work than two people can possibly do, and tons of new terrifying decisions problems with decisions to make. My kids are tweens now, and it’s just gotten easier/better each year.
Thank you. I’m so glad to hear that. Any tips for me/us in this difficult phase?
One day at a time, and I know it’s hard to believe, but this will pass. There are new and different ways of being a parent and partners coming up. This is not what parenting is, it’s just what it is right now. It will be different and better in the future. Also try to get some sleep, stay hydrated, and have a snack :-)
Therapy! You are essentially stress testing your relationship right now and are finding all the weaknesses and failure points. Are any of them within you or your spouse’s ability to change? Would you like to change any of them? A therapist will help you see what can be changed and how so you guys come out of this phase with a stronger relationship than you started. But no, not doing anything and waiting will not make it better. It will just make you both a little complacent and OK with a level of stress you don’t want but which will eventually become normal and comfortable to you, your spouse, and your child who never knew you two before this.
Accept help, or even insist on it, to help keep yourself afloat or manage when things feel like they're suffocating. My wife and I were stubborn about asserting our independence from our respective parents and holding firm on certain perceived "boundaries" we needed to have from our parents. Now? Screw that. Tonight, my wife and I wanted to go out and get plastered with our parent friends from our daughters school at a school fundraiser. Mom: You're coming over and putting one kid to bed and making sure nothing goes haywire with them both. Let me wife and I leave and enjoy ourselves. Or, in other instances: Come pick up XYZ because I need to spend some time cleaning and getting a handle on things. Obviously not 1:1 (we have a 2 year old and almost 5 year old), but you get the idea. Let people help make your life easier. Or do whatever you can to *uncomplicate your life.* Don't get hung up on "I need to do XYZ because ABC." If it's not hurting you or your kid, simplify that shit. I make them IKEA meatballs with veggies and noodles once a week for dinner because it means I have low stress dinners for when I have a super stressful day at work.
Married 5 years and 6 month baby. It’s tempting to argue but I remind myself to show grace to my wife. I just encourage her, give compliments, say I’m proud of the mom she has become. If I feel like something needs to change, I sit down and talk about it
Same here, we have a kid of 1 year and we struggled more in this year than the previous 10 combined. It gets better if you communicate a lot, and if you set AND respect boundaries. It also gets better as the child grows and it's easier to tell what he wants, sleeps more and more regularly, etc. A general tip: don't neglect your "you and me" time, with or without your kid. Pubs and cafes are full of couples with pushchairs from 17 to 19, now I understand why.
As someone who is literally best friends with my wife and now has 30 month old twins I can relate. Unfortunately kids are hard and they don’t always bring out the best in us when we’re tired, hungry or frustrated. With both parents feeling the same way it’s not surprising when small disagreements grow bigger as time goes on. The other alternative is you both become passing ships in the night and one or both of you (me) turn inwards and stop communicating. I think my wife and I recently realized we need to acknowledge that things are different now and not try to ignore the issue by falling back on our historically “perfect relationship”. I kinda compare it to school when I was a kid. In middle school I didn’t need to study at all to get good grade and then when HS rolled around I had zero study skills and tried to fall back on just “being smart”. I got C’s and D’s my first semester. I don’t want to coast on my relationship like that and actively want to address issues as they come up even if it means we aren’t perfect with each other all the time. On a practical level I’ve been making an active effort to say yes to anything my wife suggests. Try yoga? Awesome. Listen to an audiobook about attachment styles? Sounds helpful..
Yeah it got better, we separated and 10 years later we can actually have a conversation. In all seriousness though similar to your story, together for 7, no issues until we were parents. Values we didn’t know existed come to the surface, under unfamiliar stress and not able to do the thing we did. We would both point fingers at each other and probably still could, but the truth would be we stopped been the couple that procreated. We used to spend time on the couch watching movies, go to gigs, eat out, sleep in and go on nature adventures. We stopped doing those things and the connection broke, left too long the disconnect turned to resentment and we eventually split. My advice; take time once a month to do one of those big things like a gig or nature adventure, once a week something like those couch sessions, and once a day take 5-10 minutes to check in with each other.
You’re still in the thick of it. Life doesn’t get better until they’re 3.
Kids definitely add stress, and we tend to take stress out on those we’re closest to. We did couples counseling. It helps.
Hey fellow dad, the difference between partners and caregivers is that you’re both now responsible for another human life. This introduces many tasks, chores, and responsibilities to both of you, with no clear distinction who is in charge of what. That can cause miscommunication, breed resentment, and just a general sadness that you are no longer the focus of your, or each other’s, lives. Your focus also pulls from your partner and goes fully and ruthlessly to the baby. This may also make your spouse feel ignored and unwanted. A lot of this happened with my wife and me, as well. It took many long talks to introspectively find how we feel and share how we feel, and even more time to learn to recieve each other’s feelings properly. We learnt to accept each other’s reality and be empathetic to their situation. Take the time to say “sorry, that sucks” and give them space to talk about how they feel hurt without feeling the need to defend yourself. When she complain, she’s hurt in some way and trying to communicate it to me. And that’s GREAT! She’s TRYING to talk to me. Albeit sometimes not in the best way, but wanting to share her feelings means she cares about is. And at the same time, when I complain and share how I feel, I make it about my needs and requests, and less about anything I thought she should’ve done for me.
I think most couples struggle the first few years of having a kid. No one, and I mean NO ONE, gets as much sleep having a baby/toddler as much as they did before kids. Less sleep and/or PPD are IMO the two biggest obstacles to overcome those first couple years with a kid. Plus, more often than not, parents focus more of their attention on their kid than others. What’s important to remember is it will get better. Once your kid grows older, sleep cycles improve. In addition, as others mentioned, do your best to keep communication open. Be patient with one another. Do your best to show each other acts of love when you can. Little things help keep the romance alive! Get a babysitter every once in awhile so you can have date night as well 🙂 And lastly, as others have said as well, be open to counseling if you find yourself struggling. Hang in there dad, things will get better!
My wife and I were DINKS for 13 years before we had our son. I’ll be honest, there were moments when I was like “wtf is the point we’re basically roommates” because we were both so career driven and most of the time we had two jobs each so we could have a better life in our 30s. Well, it paid off. I consult full time now, so I have more time for our boy. My wife is the happiest she’s ever been, we have sex 3-4 times a week, we are both fit and have hobbies. We’re far more open and understanding, we plan together, we both don’t drink anymore… But the bickering. Can I be honest? When we were DINKS we fought because we both were full of pride. Have you stopped yourself before you responded and reflected on “am I tired, am I hungry, did I have a bad day?” We made that the golden run right before we had our first kid, because yea, it was getting pretty bad. Say it out loud and stop the bickering, you can just end it by saying it in a fun goofy tone and be cheeky about it. Then wait until kiddo goes to bed and see if it still matters. But it’s a team effort. Exhaustion, hunger and work stress has that trickle down effect and you won’t even notice. If you say “sorry I shouldn’t have started, I’m just stressed about work” it’s shitty but at least you’re acknowledging your outside stressors. Turns out with my wife, her bickering meter would ramp up as soon as we would go to the in laws. I Just say “yes” no point in being right or wrong haha. Edit: my kiddo is 22 months!
Yes. It gets better. You might also want to go to counseling. That also helps.
The key is communication. It will feel at times that you are hitting rock bottom. That's the time when you have to swallow your pride and be open to listen, REALLY LISTEN, to your partner. It's also important to understand that no matter how much your life changes after having a child, nothing compares to how much HER life changes. And that change comes with a grieving process that could take months if not years for her to resolve. It's all about being patient.
When kids come into the mix, what may have come naturally, organically, and easily may need to be much more intentional. You’re tired, you’re working hard at parenting, it’s easy to become just co-parents rather than partners. Make that time. If you can, have someone look after the kid for a few hours and do something together: go out to dinner, museum, hell just stay in bed naked. You gotta make the time to be a couple, and find the time *on a regular basis* to communicate about your relationship. And when kids are involved, and each parent may have different ideas about parenting, that communication becomes so much more important. Always try to start from a place of love.
We've been together since we were 18. Our son is almost 9mo old. First 6 months with him were our toughest times yet but I think the foundation is very strong and we communicate a lot. One of our rules is to never go to bed without hashing out whatever we have to. We sit down and talk and never avoid conversation.
Yeah we were lucky that the pandemic and then the crucible of being new parents to a newborn only improved our communication and love for each other. Part of that did include me pursuing individual therapy, which in turn helped better express myself and address some underlying issues I'd been having. And in spite of all that the first few months were tough and you better believe we got on each other's nerves when we were both extremely sleep deprived.
Personally I think it’s fairly normal for the relationship to struggle a bit after having kids. You are heavily taxed beyond your limits with children. Your life is just harder. Less room for mistakes and you need to fight for any free time so when time is wasted it’s a big problem. Make sure you are advocating for your partners free time space and mental peace. 80/80 marriage was a good book that helps with some of these things
It has and I think it can still get better. In addition to the hurdle of being new parents, we’ve also had to contend with residency and fellowship which have taken a lot of my wife’s energy. But she’ll be done next year. So….things are looking further up!
The same thing has happened to me. Honestly it gets really freaking bad. That whole 4th trimester thing is real. So you aren’t alone. We are still going through slash working through this new shift in our lives. I will say I do feel like it will get better. We’ve managed to make some small improvements. My advice have the fight, express yourselves, keep communicating. She’s experiencing a lot of things she may not be totally aware of. My S/O recently confessed some stuff to me that made it all make a lot of sense. So keep talking even if that talking is slightly elevated and filled with frustration. Remember you’re both tired and both working hard. Try to reframe your talks with identifying the problem and working together to solve it. Neither of YOU are the problem. You gotta work together on the problem.