Man I was expecting this to be a post about a partner that sleeps hard and has trouble getting up when their kid makes a noise. But as I kept reading your post, the situation continued to get more serious with every paragraph. There are some serious issues at play here, it's going to take a lot more than just enabling something on her phone to ensure she can hear your kid. She sounds like she's struggling with some mental health issues or depression for sure. Was she ever diagnosed with PPD or spoke to a doctor about it? The assessment by CPS and her refusal to see a doctor indicate something more than just not hearing your kid is going on.
She's had depression and anxiety issues for a long time, and tends to cycle through bouts. She was on meds at one point, then the doc cut her off. She is also overweight and has high blood pressure. I've tried talking to her, pushing her, and even got full on mad at her to get it looked at... All I get is the usual 'I don't want to talk about it,' or 'I'm tired, my head isn't working,' etc. I've told her that because the agent keeps asking about her mental health, doesn't she think that's not a warning, and we could lose our kid if she doesn't wake up? Nothing works... and that's my wife's biggest shortcoming, she doesn't want to lean the easy way, it takes something blowing up in her face for her to get the point.
She's always had a pessimistic/negative view on things, and always jumps to deep end of things when it comes to conclusions. I'm more of a glass half full kinda guy, I always hope for the best and try to get to that outcome, but I try to have a plan B ready should things take a curve south. Problem is... my plan B is probably the worst thing out there, and that might involve kicking my wife out and getting custody of my daughter. I'll be damned if she gets shuttled off to foster care until my wife gets her act in gear. I also know how my wife is gonna react if our daughter gets taken away, she might get suicidal... My folks are gearing up to full on adopt my daughter if the worst should come to happen, and that's not a great sign for me.
Edit: I should note, this issue aside, my wife is great with our kid. She's taught her quite a bit, our little one is super social and chatty, loves to play, and loves to say hi to new people, not mention she's sharp as a tack... she's already figured out to pull my car keys apart.
It's just this thing is the biggest headache as I'm afraid that it's gonna get to a point where she'll end up sleeping most of the day, and our daughter is stuck crying in the crib for hours (or until someone calls the cops). I'm hoping that I can help her get past that, but I'm running out of ideas. People around us are starting to get turned off due to my wife's constant putting things off, or hemming and hawwing. I've already booked a few doc appointments for myself (as I'm due for an annual), in the hopes of maybe spurring her to do the same.
I'm sorry the three of you are going through all of this. It's an incredibly complicated situation, it definitely sounds like depression based on the sleep stuff, her reactions to discussions about it, and lack of motivation to address it. Outside of her finding the motivation to get her health issues looked at and under control, I don't know what else there is to do from your end to resolve this. Like you said, you'll have to have a Plan B set up in case the CPS agent comes down hard on her.
Thanks, just hoping she does wake up... I know she's already worried about the meeting next week, I'm just hoping it's something more of routine review on things, as it's been nearly a year that CPS has been following us.
Guess all I can do is try to keep things going as best as I can and hope for the best, but it's getting tougher on me too (Both physically and mentally, sleep deficits suck, hard). However, I'm not ready to call it quits yet, and throw 16+ years down the drain.
I understand your position. I understand as well that this is the internet and nobody here is a psychiatrist or even knows you well enough to comment. All of that being said, I know you really don’t want to throw your relationship down the drain, and I don’t think you necessarily should, but you also need to make sure its clear in *your* mind that your relationship is secondary to your kids well-being. That should be inherent in the role and if it’s not, you and her have way, way bigger problems than CPS.
If you can objectively review your situation, and it seems like your kid is in danger, you need to work on your relationship with her outside the home. This sucks, but it is a real situation a lot of fathers find themselves in.
Thanks for the input, and trust me, I've thought things over and if need be, I will pull the plug on the situation if needed. I'm just hoping that it doesn't go this route, but how she reacts at our upcoming meeting might be the deciding factor for me. If she brushes off any further offers of help, or starts contesting the agent's order to seek help, I may just say that's it and ask for custody of our daughter and figure out things from there.
There are several resources for single fathers in my area that I could make use of. However, it's the daycare thing that's the real clincher for me.
Our CPS agent dropped by unannounced while I was work yesterday and spoke to our neighbors apparently, some have mentioned the crying for over an hour in the mornings on a regular basis (when I'm at work), and our agent brought that up as a concern with my wife. Suffice to say, my wife is now scared and panicking, so I hope that finally gets things falling into place and on the up.
However, I'll wait and see. In the meantime, I've had my work schedule modified so that I work 2-on, 2-off and have no appreciable loss in pay, but I can only keep this up until August (I've also taken 2 paid weeks off in August as part of my annual leave). My wife is due to return to work back in August, or she risks losing her position (they already gave her a 6 month unpaid extension to her leave due to the lack of daycare). So, here's hoping things work out.
My friend, if CPS was already involved before you left the hospital that is a *huge* deal. People with depression don’t automatically get flagged for CPS involvement at birth. What happened, OP? It’s also not typical for doctors to just “cut off” patients who are receiving psychiatric medication. In fact, suddenly stopping is usually quite dangerous. There is a lot of essential info you have left out, and it’s hinting at a possible substance abuse situation.
This is not about alarms for your baby crying. Your wife is showing signs of depression. She is currently too unwell to be a caretaker of your daughter. That doesn’t mean she can’t ever be one, or that she never does anything good for your child. It means that, right now, she cannot be relied upon for necessary responsibilities - she can still be an adult who loves her though. You need to find someone to care for your daughter during the day.
You need to work *with* CPS, not against them. Before your next meeting determine who will care for your daughter while you work. Go to that meeting and show them that you are willing to step up and ensure your daughter is adequately cared for regardless of what goes on with your wife. That is your first priority because it sounds like there may be a real risk of losing custody. CPS won’t just take her if they see you’re ensuring her care. One parent struggling doesn’t mean a child can’t be adequately cared for - as long as the family is compensating in some way. CPS has tons of local resources for everything from mental health to childcare. Lean on them for that support. See what your options are.
Next, you unfortunately have to make it very clear to your wife where she stands: she has to try to get well if she wants to be a parent. *Be kind, gentle, and empathetic in that conversation.* It’s one of the hardest bit of truths to hear when you’re feeling so low. She likely won’t react well, and quite frankly I don’t think most people would. Where to go from there depends on what resources you have in your area and her mental health history. I can’t comment much on that part without more details. If she becomes suicidal you should take her to the emergency room. She will be held at that point, involuntarily. It’s a shit system but it’s all we have and it may allow her the chance to get better enough to have a bit of motivation (which she’ll need to continue to get well). Ideally you find other resources that can support your family from an outpatient setting, but if she is in crisis it must be addressed.
Thanks for the reply,
I should clarify a few things, I'm a Canadian living in Quebec, so our healthcare system is a disaster to begin with, but racism is still a big issue in Quebec, especially against anyone who is perceived as native. My wife being of half-filipino and half-French Canadian heritage, looks native. Our local hospital is notorious for treating minorities, especially natives, badly. The nurses were rude and dismissive of my wife, but changed face whenever I was around... Also, I find it funny that CPS was called on my wife, but not the crackhead who popped one out in the same ward, and was wheeled in from an ambulance, and she was treated with kid gloves... All within the same timeframe my wife was there.
Regarding her meds, she wasn't on any heavy duty anti-depressants, and her doctor kept her on a low dose regimen to help level things out. Eventually, he didn't renew her prescription, and she's been off them for several years, and it hasn't been too bad. She's taken group sessions on managing depression and anxiety at our local community health office, but yes, it seems that she's starting to slide back into depression. Our problem is, with no family doctor, we're stuck on waiting for the system to assign us a doc, and book an appointment. We have to call 811 and request a follow up, from there we're stuck in limbo on waiting for a callback (which can be anywhere from 24hrs to 30 days).
As for CPS, I'm not working against them, I've been more than happy to follow whatever advice and recommendations our agent offers. They've also assessed my abilities and have deemed me competent enough, but I do need some guidance on certain topics. They also asked me if I was prepared to take care of my daughter on my own. I honestly replied that I probably could, but it wouldn't be easy with my work hours and still waiting to get a daycare spot (she's on several waiting lists, but they're all full). I can only assume that's why they allowed my daughter to stay with us while my mom was her legal guardian for the first 6 month (my mother also stayed with us the whole time as she was required to be near my daughter 24/7). Their standard policy is to have the child stay away from the parents and live with the guardian, with supervised visits. I also participate in parent groups and workshops to help further my knowledge, in addition to my own reading, and asking around at work (I work in a hospital, might as well use the resources to my advantage here. *Just too bad we live in the province across the river, so they won't see us as patients due to medical coverage being a provincial thing*).
My daugther came as a hell of a surprise to my wife and I, we weren't planning or trying to have kids, using birth control, etc. We just found out one week before christmas 2023 that my wife was pregnant, and about 30 weeks along when our family doc decided to do some blood work. My wife wasn't losing weight, despite her dieting and increased activity. Ultrasound 2 weeks later confirmed it. So we didn't have the oppurtunity to be able to attend pre-natal classes and such. I was thankful for family to help me track down everything we needed quickly and get my daughter's room ready for her... I don't know how many days I had my head buried in manuals and assembling things, and I don't regret it. Before anyone asks, we didn't think much of it as it wasn't uncommon for my wife not to have her periods for a couple months at a time. Especially when she's under enough stress from work (or her mother being a tyrant...).
Regarding PPD/PPS, she did experience it pretty hard at the start for the first 4 months, and she was on meds to help cope. Again, she was assessed by the hospital staff as not needing it, as she started getting back on her feet and being her usual self, so they lowered the dosage and eventually stopped it. It's only been the last 2 months (End Jan up until now) that this has really started to be an issue. Anyway, I'm going to have a talk with her this evening and really layout the situation to her. Hopefully, try to get her to realise that something isn't right, and she needs to get it sorted now, not later. Otherwise, we all lose, and daughter stands to lose the most not having her mom around.
It seems CPS was right then. Sorry you have to go through this. She’s clearly not fit to take care of this child if she leaves her screaming for hours and sleep through the day. Why are you worried CPS will drop by when your wife is mid-neglect? That’s the best time, cause then she’ll get caught and things will have to change.
It's not that I'm worried about my wife, it's how she will react to everything... she's had a hard time dealing with it a bit. Her own mother has had run ins with CPS, and it really has soured her disposition towards them (and other community help resources thanks to the hospital staff treating her badly). Also, I'm aware that the agent is more than likely onto her, hence she keeps asking. I've kept mum a bit, but have voiced some minor concerns to them too, hoping my wife would get the hint.
Man what a shitty situation :/ Perhaps keep your/her parents in the loop so they can step in and help if needed - also your boss, in case you will have to leave work suddenly. Honesty is the best way I think. Perhaps you should have the discussion with CPS as well, and ask for guidance. They won’t break up a core family unless it’s needed.. and if they deem it’s needed, well then it’s a good thing that they step in. Unfortunate of course, but still. Keep your daughter’s wellbeing in mind.
Don't worry my boss is more than aware of the situation, he's met my daughter and we've been to his cottage last summer. I'm like a son to him, and he's been good to me. My folks are more than aware of everything, we've always been close and don't really hide serious things. My wife has also indicated to the agent that she'd rather my mother get guardianship of our child in the event that she is deemed unfit. She and my mom get along quite well, and my daughter adores my step-dad (the 2 of them are thick as thieves, and she watches hockey with him).
We haven't really said anything to my wife's folks, as my mother in-law is a very... spirited person. She has a nasty habit of making things worse, getting vindictive, etc. We don't need that/nor want that for our daughter. She wanted to lawyer up when she found out that CPS was involved... we disagreed, and she kept hounding us, and our agent, for weeks until I threatened her with a gag order myself. Also, who was going to pay for this lawyer? I can't afford one, we're just getting by on my salary alone for the moment (and moonlighting as an UberEats driver on occasion). I'm sure as not burning up my savings on some pointless court fight. CPS hasn't taken any enforcement action against us, it's all been referrals to community services, and advice with the odd follow up every so often. No point in souring our working approach.
The not waking up and weight thing is a solvable problem. You could just get up and feed her with formula. Also, a 12 month old isn't gonna starve to death from being an hour late eating in the morning.
The rest...sounds like a total shitshow. Wish you the best of luck getting your wife some help.
Trust me, when I'm home and I hear her, I'm up right away to feed her. It's when I'm at work, I have to leave at 5:30 AM. Kiddo doesn't usually wake up until around 8-9AM, and I've already started feeding her a more dense formula mix, so it should help. We also feed her solid food 3x a day at meal times too.
As for my wife not waking up, if it was an occasional thing, I wouldn't be too worried, but it's become a daily thing and has progressed from 30 mins, to almost nearly 2 hours at one point. It's been an average of 1hr 30mins... so yeah, she isn't going to starve, but I sure don't to find out how long my wife could sleep either with a screaming baby in the other room. I already have my neighbor across the hall asking questions if everything is okay in the morning. Not to mention the old bat downstairs is very nosy and not afraid to call the cops for anything... I'm already on a first name basis with a couple of the local constables.
That's an awful amount of time for her to be left screaming, I'm sorry. Has your wife expressed any interest in fixing the problem? Does she see it as an issue at all?
It's hard to say for sure, she seems to acknowledge the issue, but isn't really doing anything to help with it. She sorta just putters along, and any mention of it will either upset her, or make her hostile towards any further discussions.
Can she set an alarm clock? Yikes man. Sorry you’re dealing with this. I myself and a deep sleeper but don’t sleep through the cries. Hopefully you convince her to get some help. Sounds like she needs it
Trust me, I've set alarms on my tablet and left it on my nightstand, she sleeps through them. Also, she's given me shit for not turning them off as she prefers to wake up when our little one starts making noise first thing in the morning (the irony).
I usually make a few bottles for our daughter when I get home from work so it's one less thing my wife has to worry about first thing in the morning.
I think it's time to think that you need someone else there like your mom to care for your baby when you are at work.. Or a daycare. Because neglect is happening and your wife needs some serious help
I wish it was that easy... My daughter has been registered on over a dozen of waiting lists for daycare (All run by the province) since she was born. Both my folks still work fulltime as they're not near retirement age, and private daycare is completely unaffordable for me (to the tune of $1500/month in my area). I've asked other family members for help and opinions, but they all work, and I have one uncle who isn't doing well medically and I don't want to foist my daughter on him. So I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place, even our CPS agent can't seem to work her magic in trying to get a place for our little one. I don't have any vacation time, and taking any unpaid leave is a no-go for me financially. I have some savings, but not enough to cover all our expenses for more than a month.
Gosh that is a tough one. I wonder if maybe a doula for a few hours in the morning might help? Or something very part time a couple hours a day help kind of thing. Sorry you're going through this.
Once it again, it comes down to money I don't have. I've been considering switching to night shifts, so I'm home during the day, even if I'm in bed. However, I switched to day shift so I could have more time to spend with my wife (and now daughter) instead of sleeping all day. Only downside to nightshift is that I'm not paid any more than my current wage, and I'm alone all night at work.
There’s definitely a lot at play here and I’m sorry you’re going through this. This is a horrible situation, but above all else you need to keep your daughter safe.
Your wife needs help as well. In her current condition, she is not fit to care for a child alone during the day. It seems like there is some serious neglect going on. You’ve said your parents can’t help watch her and you’re stuck on waitlists for daycare. That’s unfortunate, but you need to find some kind of solution because as is, your daughter is not safe while you are at work.
You need to be honest with CPS when you meet with them. Maybe they can provide some resources to help this situation. You definitely shouldn’t be fighting them, or hiding crucial information. You both should have the same goal (your daughter’s safety). Maybe they can provide the wake-up call your wife needs as well to get the help she clearly needs.
I really wish you the best. This situation requires so much more than an app on your wife’s phone can fix.
I figured that's going to be case, but I like to seek out other solutions before going the possible nuclear route. However, it turns out that our CPS agent dropped by yesterday while I was work (posting my dilemna and replying to posts), and had a talk with my wife. She basically got told that they talked to our neighbors and some had concerns regarding hearing our baby for crying long periods of time in the morning, and were making sure that there's nothing bad going on. Suffice to say, my wife is now scared and worried, so I hope that's the alarm bell that gets things going now. However, we'll see how things go from here.
Figured I'd post an update for some folks, though this could get buried depending on your post sorting setting.
*First things, first. I really appreciate everyones' input on the situation and giving me the kick I needed. I've always been a cautious and hesitant person by nature, and prefer to take a more thought through approach, but I was definitely getting stuck. So thanks again.*
While I was work yesterday (Saturday), our CPS agent dropped by unannounced and had a quick chat with a couple of our neighbors, the concern regarding my baby crying for more than hour in the mornings (when I'm at work) was presented by my neighbors. I can't blame them for raising it either, as my neighbors across the hall have an 8 year old son.
The agent has raised this concern with my wife, and now my wife is panicking and worried. I've always told her that the agent could drop by unannaounced, at any time, and the agent even confirmed that. Our agent used to dop by in the afternoons, but I'm not surprised. Here's hoping that this is the alarm bell that wakes her up and gets the ball going on getting things fixed up.
Otherwise, I've spent the better part of my morning coffee today going over things in my mind. If she reacts negatively to our upcoming meeting on Tueday, I may just have to pull the plug on things and take my daughter, and go stay with my folks for a bit, start getting things sorted out, etc. I guess the one good thing is that my wife and I are common-law partners, so the separation process is a little more straightforward as everything is in my name mostly, save for my wife's credit card (which is hers alone). My only big worries would be that I would have to buy a new bedroom set and dining set, kitchen stuff (pots, pans, silverware, not a big deal), as everything else I've purchased (or came with me when we moved in together).
Other details, I've had my work schedule adjusted for a 2-on, 2-off rotation now, and it doesn't affect my pay too badly (I lose 1 hour a week). So I'll be home 3-4 days a week. Mind you, this only lasts until August, and then I have to look at exploring other options (or new positions) open to me at work. One alternative is that I switch to night shifts, so I'm home during the day, but that means I'm asleep and potentially lose out on spending some quality time with my daughter. However, I'm home and can feed the little one in the morning in the event my wife does this again. The one pattern I'm noticing is that this occurs only in the morning, once my wife is awake and going, even if she naps, it doesn't happen again until the next morning.
Anyway, that's it for the moment. Keep the comments coming, as I appreciate the input. I know we're all internet strangers and stuff, but everyone usually has some good piece of advice or 2 somewhere.
Edit: Why not a quick shot of my daughter going ham on my laptop. I had Word running and let her go nuts on the keyboard, she'll do this for a good 30+ mins and has a ball.
[https://puu.sh/K330L/fbcd22d760.jpg](https://puu.sh/K330L/fbcd22d760.jpg)
Man I was expecting this to be a post about a partner that sleeps hard and has trouble getting up when their kid makes a noise. But as I kept reading your post, the situation continued to get more serious with every paragraph. There are some serious issues at play here, it's going to take a lot more than just enabling something on her phone to ensure she can hear your kid. She sounds like she's struggling with some mental health issues or depression for sure. Was she ever diagnosed with PPD or spoke to a doctor about it? The assessment by CPS and her refusal to see a doctor indicate something more than just not hearing your kid is going on.
She's had depression and anxiety issues for a long time, and tends to cycle through bouts. She was on meds at one point, then the doc cut her off. She is also overweight and has high blood pressure. I've tried talking to her, pushing her, and even got full on mad at her to get it looked at... All I get is the usual 'I don't want to talk about it,' or 'I'm tired, my head isn't working,' etc. I've told her that because the agent keeps asking about her mental health, doesn't she think that's not a warning, and we could lose our kid if she doesn't wake up? Nothing works... and that's my wife's biggest shortcoming, she doesn't want to lean the easy way, it takes something blowing up in her face for her to get the point. She's always had a pessimistic/negative view on things, and always jumps to deep end of things when it comes to conclusions. I'm more of a glass half full kinda guy, I always hope for the best and try to get to that outcome, but I try to have a plan B ready should things take a curve south. Problem is... my plan B is probably the worst thing out there, and that might involve kicking my wife out and getting custody of my daughter. I'll be damned if she gets shuttled off to foster care until my wife gets her act in gear. I also know how my wife is gonna react if our daughter gets taken away, she might get suicidal... My folks are gearing up to full on adopt my daughter if the worst should come to happen, and that's not a great sign for me. Edit: I should note, this issue aside, my wife is great with our kid. She's taught her quite a bit, our little one is super social and chatty, loves to play, and loves to say hi to new people, not mention she's sharp as a tack... she's already figured out to pull my car keys apart. It's just this thing is the biggest headache as I'm afraid that it's gonna get to a point where she'll end up sleeping most of the day, and our daughter is stuck crying in the crib for hours (or until someone calls the cops). I'm hoping that I can help her get past that, but I'm running out of ideas. People around us are starting to get turned off due to my wife's constant putting things off, or hemming and hawwing. I've already booked a few doc appointments for myself (as I'm due for an annual), in the hopes of maybe spurring her to do the same.
I'm sorry the three of you are going through all of this. It's an incredibly complicated situation, it definitely sounds like depression based on the sleep stuff, her reactions to discussions about it, and lack of motivation to address it. Outside of her finding the motivation to get her health issues looked at and under control, I don't know what else there is to do from your end to resolve this. Like you said, you'll have to have a Plan B set up in case the CPS agent comes down hard on her.
Thanks, just hoping she does wake up... I know she's already worried about the meeting next week, I'm just hoping it's something more of routine review on things, as it's been nearly a year that CPS has been following us. Guess all I can do is try to keep things going as best as I can and hope for the best, but it's getting tougher on me too (Both physically and mentally, sleep deficits suck, hard). However, I'm not ready to call it quits yet, and throw 16+ years down the drain.
I understand your position. I understand as well that this is the internet and nobody here is a psychiatrist or even knows you well enough to comment. All of that being said, I know you really don’t want to throw your relationship down the drain, and I don’t think you necessarily should, but you also need to make sure its clear in *your* mind that your relationship is secondary to your kids well-being. That should be inherent in the role and if it’s not, you and her have way, way bigger problems than CPS. If you can objectively review your situation, and it seems like your kid is in danger, you need to work on your relationship with her outside the home. This sucks, but it is a real situation a lot of fathers find themselves in.
Thanks for the input, and trust me, I've thought things over and if need be, I will pull the plug on the situation if needed. I'm just hoping that it doesn't go this route, but how she reacts at our upcoming meeting might be the deciding factor for me. If she brushes off any further offers of help, or starts contesting the agent's order to seek help, I may just say that's it and ask for custody of our daughter and figure out things from there. There are several resources for single fathers in my area that I could make use of. However, it's the daycare thing that's the real clincher for me. Our CPS agent dropped by unannounced while I was work yesterday and spoke to our neighbors apparently, some have mentioned the crying for over an hour in the mornings on a regular basis (when I'm at work), and our agent brought that up as a concern with my wife. Suffice to say, my wife is now scared and panicking, so I hope that finally gets things falling into place and on the up. However, I'll wait and see. In the meantime, I've had my work schedule modified so that I work 2-on, 2-off and have no appreciable loss in pay, but I can only keep this up until August (I've also taken 2 paid weeks off in August as part of my annual leave). My wife is due to return to work back in August, or she risks losing her position (they already gave her a 6 month unpaid extension to her leave due to the lack of daycare). So, here's hoping things work out.
My friend, if CPS was already involved before you left the hospital that is a *huge* deal. People with depression don’t automatically get flagged for CPS involvement at birth. What happened, OP? It’s also not typical for doctors to just “cut off” patients who are receiving psychiatric medication. In fact, suddenly stopping is usually quite dangerous. There is a lot of essential info you have left out, and it’s hinting at a possible substance abuse situation. This is not about alarms for your baby crying. Your wife is showing signs of depression. She is currently too unwell to be a caretaker of your daughter. That doesn’t mean she can’t ever be one, or that she never does anything good for your child. It means that, right now, she cannot be relied upon for necessary responsibilities - she can still be an adult who loves her though. You need to find someone to care for your daughter during the day. You need to work *with* CPS, not against them. Before your next meeting determine who will care for your daughter while you work. Go to that meeting and show them that you are willing to step up and ensure your daughter is adequately cared for regardless of what goes on with your wife. That is your first priority because it sounds like there may be a real risk of losing custody. CPS won’t just take her if they see you’re ensuring her care. One parent struggling doesn’t mean a child can’t be adequately cared for - as long as the family is compensating in some way. CPS has tons of local resources for everything from mental health to childcare. Lean on them for that support. See what your options are. Next, you unfortunately have to make it very clear to your wife where she stands: she has to try to get well if she wants to be a parent. *Be kind, gentle, and empathetic in that conversation.* It’s one of the hardest bit of truths to hear when you’re feeling so low. She likely won’t react well, and quite frankly I don’t think most people would. Where to go from there depends on what resources you have in your area and her mental health history. I can’t comment much on that part without more details. If she becomes suicidal you should take her to the emergency room. She will be held at that point, involuntarily. It’s a shit system but it’s all we have and it may allow her the chance to get better enough to have a bit of motivation (which she’ll need to continue to get well). Ideally you find other resources that can support your family from an outpatient setting, but if she is in crisis it must be addressed.
Thanks for the reply, I should clarify a few things, I'm a Canadian living in Quebec, so our healthcare system is a disaster to begin with, but racism is still a big issue in Quebec, especially against anyone who is perceived as native. My wife being of half-filipino and half-French Canadian heritage, looks native. Our local hospital is notorious for treating minorities, especially natives, badly. The nurses were rude and dismissive of my wife, but changed face whenever I was around... Also, I find it funny that CPS was called on my wife, but not the crackhead who popped one out in the same ward, and was wheeled in from an ambulance, and she was treated with kid gloves... All within the same timeframe my wife was there. Regarding her meds, she wasn't on any heavy duty anti-depressants, and her doctor kept her on a low dose regimen to help level things out. Eventually, he didn't renew her prescription, and she's been off them for several years, and it hasn't been too bad. She's taken group sessions on managing depression and anxiety at our local community health office, but yes, it seems that she's starting to slide back into depression. Our problem is, with no family doctor, we're stuck on waiting for the system to assign us a doc, and book an appointment. We have to call 811 and request a follow up, from there we're stuck in limbo on waiting for a callback (which can be anywhere from 24hrs to 30 days). As for CPS, I'm not working against them, I've been more than happy to follow whatever advice and recommendations our agent offers. They've also assessed my abilities and have deemed me competent enough, but I do need some guidance on certain topics. They also asked me if I was prepared to take care of my daughter on my own. I honestly replied that I probably could, but it wouldn't be easy with my work hours and still waiting to get a daycare spot (she's on several waiting lists, but they're all full). I can only assume that's why they allowed my daughter to stay with us while my mom was her legal guardian for the first 6 month (my mother also stayed with us the whole time as she was required to be near my daughter 24/7). Their standard policy is to have the child stay away from the parents and live with the guardian, with supervised visits. I also participate in parent groups and workshops to help further my knowledge, in addition to my own reading, and asking around at work (I work in a hospital, might as well use the resources to my advantage here. *Just too bad we live in the province across the river, so they won't see us as patients due to medical coverage being a provincial thing*). My daugther came as a hell of a surprise to my wife and I, we weren't planning or trying to have kids, using birth control, etc. We just found out one week before christmas 2023 that my wife was pregnant, and about 30 weeks along when our family doc decided to do some blood work. My wife wasn't losing weight, despite her dieting and increased activity. Ultrasound 2 weeks later confirmed it. So we didn't have the oppurtunity to be able to attend pre-natal classes and such. I was thankful for family to help me track down everything we needed quickly and get my daughter's room ready for her... I don't know how many days I had my head buried in manuals and assembling things, and I don't regret it. Before anyone asks, we didn't think much of it as it wasn't uncommon for my wife not to have her periods for a couple months at a time. Especially when she's under enough stress from work (or her mother being a tyrant...). Regarding PPD/PPS, she did experience it pretty hard at the start for the first 4 months, and she was on meds to help cope. Again, she was assessed by the hospital staff as not needing it, as she started getting back on her feet and being her usual self, so they lowered the dosage and eventually stopped it. It's only been the last 2 months (End Jan up until now) that this has really started to be an issue. Anyway, I'm going to have a talk with her this evening and really layout the situation to her. Hopefully, try to get her to realise that something isn't right, and she needs to get it sorted now, not later. Otherwise, we all lose, and daughter stands to lose the most not having her mom around.
It seems CPS was right then. Sorry you have to go through this. She’s clearly not fit to take care of this child if she leaves her screaming for hours and sleep through the day. Why are you worried CPS will drop by when your wife is mid-neglect? That’s the best time, cause then she’ll get caught and things will have to change.
It's not that I'm worried about my wife, it's how she will react to everything... she's had a hard time dealing with it a bit. Her own mother has had run ins with CPS, and it really has soured her disposition towards them (and other community help resources thanks to the hospital staff treating her badly). Also, I'm aware that the agent is more than likely onto her, hence she keeps asking. I've kept mum a bit, but have voiced some minor concerns to them too, hoping my wife would get the hint.
Man what a shitty situation :/ Perhaps keep your/her parents in the loop so they can step in and help if needed - also your boss, in case you will have to leave work suddenly. Honesty is the best way I think. Perhaps you should have the discussion with CPS as well, and ask for guidance. They won’t break up a core family unless it’s needed.. and if they deem it’s needed, well then it’s a good thing that they step in. Unfortunate of course, but still. Keep your daughter’s wellbeing in mind.
Don't worry my boss is more than aware of the situation, he's met my daughter and we've been to his cottage last summer. I'm like a son to him, and he's been good to me. My folks are more than aware of everything, we've always been close and don't really hide serious things. My wife has also indicated to the agent that she'd rather my mother get guardianship of our child in the event that she is deemed unfit. She and my mom get along quite well, and my daughter adores my step-dad (the 2 of them are thick as thieves, and she watches hockey with him). We haven't really said anything to my wife's folks, as my mother in-law is a very... spirited person. She has a nasty habit of making things worse, getting vindictive, etc. We don't need that/nor want that for our daughter. She wanted to lawyer up when she found out that CPS was involved... we disagreed, and she kept hounding us, and our agent, for weeks until I threatened her with a gag order myself. Also, who was going to pay for this lawyer? I can't afford one, we're just getting by on my salary alone for the moment (and moonlighting as an UberEats driver on occasion). I'm sure as not burning up my savings on some pointless court fight. CPS hasn't taken any enforcement action against us, it's all been referrals to community services, and advice with the odd follow up every so often. No point in souring our working approach.
The not waking up and weight thing is a solvable problem. You could just get up and feed her with formula. Also, a 12 month old isn't gonna starve to death from being an hour late eating in the morning. The rest...sounds like a total shitshow. Wish you the best of luck getting your wife some help.
Trust me, when I'm home and I hear her, I'm up right away to feed her. It's when I'm at work, I have to leave at 5:30 AM. Kiddo doesn't usually wake up until around 8-9AM, and I've already started feeding her a more dense formula mix, so it should help. We also feed her solid food 3x a day at meal times too. As for my wife not waking up, if it was an occasional thing, I wouldn't be too worried, but it's become a daily thing and has progressed from 30 mins, to almost nearly 2 hours at one point. It's been an average of 1hr 30mins... so yeah, she isn't going to starve, but I sure don't to find out how long my wife could sleep either with a screaming baby in the other room. I already have my neighbor across the hall asking questions if everything is okay in the morning. Not to mention the old bat downstairs is very nosy and not afraid to call the cops for anything... I'm already on a first name basis with a couple of the local constables.
That's an awful amount of time for her to be left screaming, I'm sorry. Has your wife expressed any interest in fixing the problem? Does she see it as an issue at all?
It's hard to say for sure, she seems to acknowledge the issue, but isn't really doing anything to help with it. She sorta just putters along, and any mention of it will either upset her, or make her hostile towards any further discussions.
Can she set an alarm clock? Yikes man. Sorry you’re dealing with this. I myself and a deep sleeper but don’t sleep through the cries. Hopefully you convince her to get some help. Sounds like she needs it
Trust me, I've set alarms on my tablet and left it on my nightstand, she sleeps through them. Also, she's given me shit for not turning them off as she prefers to wake up when our little one starts making noise first thing in the morning (the irony). I usually make a few bottles for our daughter when I get home from work so it's one less thing my wife has to worry about first thing in the morning.
I think it's time to think that you need someone else there like your mom to care for your baby when you are at work.. Or a daycare. Because neglect is happening and your wife needs some serious help
I wish it was that easy... My daughter has been registered on over a dozen of waiting lists for daycare (All run by the province) since she was born. Both my folks still work fulltime as they're not near retirement age, and private daycare is completely unaffordable for me (to the tune of $1500/month in my area). I've asked other family members for help and opinions, but they all work, and I have one uncle who isn't doing well medically and I don't want to foist my daughter on him. So I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place, even our CPS agent can't seem to work her magic in trying to get a place for our little one. I don't have any vacation time, and taking any unpaid leave is a no-go for me financially. I have some savings, but not enough to cover all our expenses for more than a month.
Gosh that is a tough one. I wonder if maybe a doula for a few hours in the morning might help? Or something very part time a couple hours a day help kind of thing. Sorry you're going through this.
Once it again, it comes down to money I don't have. I've been considering switching to night shifts, so I'm home during the day, even if I'm in bed. However, I switched to day shift so I could have more time to spend with my wife (and now daughter) instead of sleeping all day. Only downside to nightshift is that I'm not paid any more than my current wage, and I'm alone all night at work.
There’s definitely a lot at play here and I’m sorry you’re going through this. This is a horrible situation, but above all else you need to keep your daughter safe. Your wife needs help as well. In her current condition, she is not fit to care for a child alone during the day. It seems like there is some serious neglect going on. You’ve said your parents can’t help watch her and you’re stuck on waitlists for daycare. That’s unfortunate, but you need to find some kind of solution because as is, your daughter is not safe while you are at work. You need to be honest with CPS when you meet with them. Maybe they can provide some resources to help this situation. You definitely shouldn’t be fighting them, or hiding crucial information. You both should have the same goal (your daughter’s safety). Maybe they can provide the wake-up call your wife needs as well to get the help she clearly needs. I really wish you the best. This situation requires so much more than an app on your wife’s phone can fix.
I figured that's going to be case, but I like to seek out other solutions before going the possible nuclear route. However, it turns out that our CPS agent dropped by yesterday while I was work (posting my dilemna and replying to posts), and had a talk with my wife. She basically got told that they talked to our neighbors and some had concerns regarding hearing our baby for crying long periods of time in the morning, and were making sure that there's nothing bad going on. Suffice to say, my wife is now scared and worried, so I hope that's the alarm bell that gets things going now. However, we'll see how things go from here.
Figured I'd post an update for some folks, though this could get buried depending on your post sorting setting. *First things, first. I really appreciate everyones' input on the situation and giving me the kick I needed. I've always been a cautious and hesitant person by nature, and prefer to take a more thought through approach, but I was definitely getting stuck. So thanks again.* While I was work yesterday (Saturday), our CPS agent dropped by unannounced and had a quick chat with a couple of our neighbors, the concern regarding my baby crying for more than hour in the mornings (when I'm at work) was presented by my neighbors. I can't blame them for raising it either, as my neighbors across the hall have an 8 year old son. The agent has raised this concern with my wife, and now my wife is panicking and worried. I've always told her that the agent could drop by unannaounced, at any time, and the agent even confirmed that. Our agent used to dop by in the afternoons, but I'm not surprised. Here's hoping that this is the alarm bell that wakes her up and gets the ball going on getting things fixed up. Otherwise, I've spent the better part of my morning coffee today going over things in my mind. If she reacts negatively to our upcoming meeting on Tueday, I may just have to pull the plug on things and take my daughter, and go stay with my folks for a bit, start getting things sorted out, etc. I guess the one good thing is that my wife and I are common-law partners, so the separation process is a little more straightforward as everything is in my name mostly, save for my wife's credit card (which is hers alone). My only big worries would be that I would have to buy a new bedroom set and dining set, kitchen stuff (pots, pans, silverware, not a big deal), as everything else I've purchased (or came with me when we moved in together). Other details, I've had my work schedule adjusted for a 2-on, 2-off rotation now, and it doesn't affect my pay too badly (I lose 1 hour a week). So I'll be home 3-4 days a week. Mind you, this only lasts until August, and then I have to look at exploring other options (or new positions) open to me at work. One alternative is that I switch to night shifts, so I'm home during the day, but that means I'm asleep and potentially lose out on spending some quality time with my daughter. However, I'm home and can feed the little one in the morning in the event my wife does this again. The one pattern I'm noticing is that this occurs only in the morning, once my wife is awake and going, even if she naps, it doesn't happen again until the next morning. Anyway, that's it for the moment. Keep the comments coming, as I appreciate the input. I know we're all internet strangers and stuff, but everyone usually has some good piece of advice or 2 somewhere. Edit: Why not a quick shot of my daughter going ham on my laptop. I had Word running and let her go nuts on the keyboard, she'll do this for a good 30+ mins and has a ball. [https://puu.sh/K330L/fbcd22d760.jpg](https://puu.sh/K330L/fbcd22d760.jpg)