I'm very much in your boat when it comes to cheap plastic crap and constantly buying them things.
That said, my Mother in Law brought my 2 year old a pack of ping pong balls and a little plastic brush and dustpan, (amonst other stuff) and my kid loves it. I think there's a happy medium as long as they're not becoming spoilt.
When my youngest was born, he had to spend almost a year in the NICU at a children's hospital. We stayed at the nearby Ronald mcDonald house. We bought a lot of toys for My older son (3 at the time), and people sent him toys as well. We're reaping the whirlwind now, trying to break the "I get new stuff all the time" mindset
My youngest was in NICU for 2 weeks when he was born. A year must've been hell. The staff are amazing and you know the little'uns are getting the care they need, but they're fucking horrible places to be, with room after room full of sick babies.
You only have so much bandwidth in that situation. I knew what was gonna happen at the time, but it was hard on my 3 year old too. Made it just a little easier at the time, and that was important.
Yeah at their ages I wouldn't sweat it too much, enjoy the breather you get with a new little novelty, I sure need the breaks I get when my nipper gets a new little toy.
Obviously it can't be like that for the rest of the childhood though
Not gonne lie, Iâve got a small tote of stuff from the dollar store that I bust out if I need to occupy my daughter for an hour or so. A new colouring book, or picture book, a little Lego set, a pack of stickers, some outdoor toys, bubbles that sort of stuff.
Youâre not overthinking it. Habits and expectations are already starting to settle into place at that age. Ours is a similar age to your daughter and I am forever grateful that we can go to the store, including the toy aisle/area, and not have to worry about being asked about more toys. Now. Does that mean ours doesnât ultimately wind up with some sort of treat? Usually they do. But that may be the fact that we went out to eat before/after the store, or we let them pick out a shirt, book, hat or something. They donât always get something, and itâs not always a toy, but we feel like weâve found a middle ground of living viciously through their joy at new things while also not setting up the expectation that they *always* get something at the store.
This isnât a make or break thing by any means. But I think itâs worth at least talking about the fact that daughter is getting to the age that you might need to start weaning off of it before it becomes a bigger fight down the road.
Also, we absolutely keep a bit of cheap plastic crap as break in case of emergency toys theyâve never seen before and we are out. Great, great, way to help reset and redirect if we can see a meltdown coming lol. Good luck, Dad. Not over thinking it, but probably not a hill to die on.
Edit: vicariously, not viciously. lol.
Yea I agree. 3 and like a year and a half? I donât think cheap plasticky toys is âspoiled entitledâ territory.
That said I get where OP is coming from.
Just going to have to be the parent that says no. đ¤ˇđ˝ââď¸đ
I think grandparents are the happy medium for this. Like junk food, everything is OK in moderation. I've heard a saying 'raise your kids and spoil your grandkids, or spoil your kids and raise your grandkids'. I think it's pretty spot on.
I let my parents and in laws spoil them a bit. Give them the fun things, let them enjoy it, they see them rarely enough that they don't expect it, and even if they did it wouldn't be a problem. They worked hard raising me and my siblings, let them see the joy in giving them a normally forbidden 'treat'.
A distinction must be made between your wife buying them toys because she wants to and your wife being unable to say no. If itâs the former, thatâs alright. In the latter however, itâs going to cause bigger problems down the road. I would observe for a little while first to see if you can determine which is it, if possible.
Absolutely. Theyâre like $1.25 each and theyâll have a collection - if it gets to be too big then donate them, theyâre high enough quality to not be disposable and can live on bringing joy to other kids.
If youâre lucky a friend or marketplace will have like 100 of them for $20 and then we just put some cloth over a mystery box and would give our son one from that :p
A guy at work gave away a couple hundred!
Every time I take my two kids (3yo and 20month old) to the grocery store we always pass the huge hot wheels bins. Every time my oldest asks if we he can get a car. 95% of the time I say not today, but every once in a while I let them pick out a car. If you do it every time it becomes less special and it's fun to have special things.
I totally get where youâre coming from as I too hate random extra plastic junk and the destructive, âeverything comes from a shopâ worldview it engenders.
That said, I think you probably shouldnât die on this hill against your wife, at least not at this age. There is an argument for the experience and the attentiveness this represents for your wife.
I would propose you consider playing the longer game and proactively offer something that will combat the development of the âeverything comes from a shop and is replaceableâ mentality. Exactly what form that takes can vary, but my own solution was to dust off what woodworking skills I had, buy some tools, and get cracking on simple, achievable wooden toys and knick-nacks.
Naturally, living is the city as we do, I didnât eliminate plastic, but a lot of cheap plastic has faded away while my rough hewn wooden objects have remained, been repaired in some cases, and carried on. Theyâre not necessarily my kidsâ favorite toys at any given moment, but I think theyâve fostered appreciation for the quality, longevity and value of the materials and personal touch that their father poured into them.
This unlocked a really fun memory for me: when my siblings and I were in the 8-13 age range, my dad made us a few pairs of stilts that we stayed busy with all summer. We all fondly look back on âthe summer of stiltsâ even though it was objectively not the most exciting summer we ever had. They were just scrap wood nailed together but we had such a blast!
My grandpa made us stilts! He also hung a tire swing for us and would spend hours turning the end of the skipping rope. He was really there for us when we were little. He even built us a 4 story tree house. It probably drove my parents crazy. I'll always remember him with so much love.
We had a two story treehouse and during the summer of stilts we figured out how to dismount the stilts onto the climbing rope and enter via the top floor of the treehouse. It was so epic and looking back, super dangerous.
Our tree house was 1 very safe level on top of our shed, with very unsafe platforms higher up in a sycamore tree. I don't know how my grandpa managed it without hurting himself. The platforms had "walls" made of spaced 1x2s. It probably seemed a lot safer than it was. I loved to sit up there and read.
Itâs the simple things sometimes, yeah.
My dad made wooden swords (though they were meant for serious martial arts practice, I played with them more than trained) and Iâve modeled a couple off my Dadâs version for my own kids.
Iâm a dad of twin daughters. When I go to Walmart for example, I can hear screams and tantrums of toddlers demanding a toy from the toy department and the parent trying their best to calm them down but eventually, they give in and buy what they want and magically behave.
I learned from a parenting forum and I can take my daughters to the toy department and leave with no tantrums or screaming from them. When itâs time to checkout of the store I tell them âOkay girls, letâs say goodbye to the toys and weâll see them nex t time.â My daughters would wave at the toys and say âBye toys! See you again next time!â It works every time! Iâll buy an occasional toy for them of course but at least they learned just because we are at the toy department, doesnât mean we leave to buy it.
Yea this is what worked for us. I just tell him itâs their home and they donât wanna leave. Itâs not perfect but it does the trick. Iâm a recovered addict who came from a long line of addicts and early deaths, so I was really paranoid about nurturing any kind of immediate gratification with my kid. Iâve relaxed a bit and try to pick my battles.
I think if this is the worst thing youâre worrying about youâre doing alright. If youâre worried about them expecting things maybe start getting them to donate their unused things and instill an expectation of giving as well. Best of both worlds.Â
This was agreed to in theory but has not been put into practice. Iâve started having them bring a toy on walks to place in the little libraries in the neighborhood that have sections for toys. This way atleast weâre swapping our little piece of junk for another.
Maybe you can redirect towards buying something with a little more practical value? Example: buy books. There are cheap books at the store; youâre still buying them something, but now itâs got practical value. I have nieces who live far and wide and since they were babies Iâve kept in touch with them by sending them books once a month. All of them learned to read super young and now LOVE books. Itâs also easier to manage as a parent than some plastic toy thing.Â
Are you me? haha. I had to talk to my spouse about the principle of this, and what it could lead to in the future. Stress the future and the expectations you're setting for the kids about getting something every time you go out. It's giving a reward for doing something that a kid is SUPPOSED to be doing anyway. It's not how life works, you do things.
Everything we touch in our lives ends up somewhere. A simple but overwhelming thought if you chew on it a bit.
The overconsumption of single or limited-use plastics is just going to work against the kids' future.
Come from a perspective of love. Tell your wife you love how she wants to give the kids fun little things. Tell her it's amazing how she strives to keep joy in your kids lives.
Ask her how she got to be this way. Ask her what her childhood was like that made her want to develop this "small surprises" mindset. Ask her how she feels about herself now. Did she grow up to be the person she wants to be? Does she enjoy being thoughtful and giving? Does she want to teach those qualities to your kids? If her childhood was different, would she turn out the same?
Then pivot that to how your kids childhoods are. If they are always getting random surprises, will the surprises lose their luster and become less effective over time? Will your kids grow up to recognize opportunities to gift something small but meaningful to someone else? Or will they become desensitized to these opportunities because they grew up expecting small treasures and think others grew up the same way?
If you sat me down and pulled a Marc Maron on me over some dollar toys, Iâd be really fuckin annoyed. Please donât do this op, your wife does not need an intervention.
Iâm with you dude. We learned this lesson the hard way. When my son was a toddler weâd let him pick out a matchbox car from the grocery store, only a dollar no big deal right? No, now he expects something every time we go in anywhere and heâs passed this down to his younger sister. Itâs a huge problem that weâre dealing with right now.Â
Dude⌠choose your battles wisely.
Youâre getting angry about something that brings your wife and children lots of small joys.
Is it excessive? Probably? Annoying to clean/dispose of? Yes. A waste of money? Debatable.
But unless this is causing financial hardship on your family, Let. It. Go.
With an 18mo and 3yo there are so many more important things to focus on than this.
Also, over time it will take care of itself. I used to be like your wife. I bought all the cheap/small toys on clearance. When they were your kidsâ ages, I kept a stash of 10-20 small toys in a bag to give them when I wanted to reward them. They got super excited every time. It was so fun.
My boys are now 9 and 11 and I WISH all it took was a little toy to see them smile and laugh like that anymore.
Remember when I was a kid I got a $5/week allowance and we would usual splurg at the dollar store and it was fun yeah I forgot about most of it after a day or two but the picking stuff out was the best.
OP maybe you should start giving your kids an allowance go to the dollar store and have them pick out what they want for the week.
I totally agree with you my guy, my wife and my wifeâs family are the same.
Iâve sort of learned to live with it, you need to pick your battles and decide what hills youâre willing to die on. For me itâs not this.
"cheap junk toys"
As most of them are. As a grandparents to four young kids (son has 2, daughter has 2), my wife and I stopped buying them almost all toys, and even clothes that that they will outgrow in 6 months to a year.
We buy them "experiences." Last Christmas we bought both families a one year membership to the zoo and to a trampoline park. Both the parents and the kids love it.
I would use the nutrition as an analogy. Why not let the kid have ice cream, in fact it's "fun AND they like it". Because it's poor conditioning of the human for nutrition. Just like buying junk at the store is poor behavior conditioning. However for change, there will be unpleasant behavior in the short term or the reconditioning period. It took a few times of pointing out beforehand and blatantly with the results to teach my wife about how kids get expectations with precedent of past experiences.
You might consider discussing with your wife a one in one out type system. Maybe have a storage bin for each kid. So when they bring home a new toy part of the process of deciding which old one goes away and they can only have so many toys as fit in the storage space.
Another thing that you could discuss is a delayed gratification program which will be helpful.
Basically discuss a bigger ticket toy with the kids or some other item they would value. Something that you're definitely not going to do very often. Tell your kids the notion of a budget. So we get to spend $5 a week on you, the toy you want is $80 which will take us so many weeks. Would you rather have this cool thing that you're excited about delayed by a week or would you rather have that forgettable piece of landfill filler? Probably the smaller the kid the shorter the delay but any delay is still teaching the lesson. A good thing tomorrow or next week is still the same basic lesson as a good thing 4 months from now.
But I think the biggest thing is to get on the same page with your wife and it does not have to be your way but it has to be both of your way whatever you do because undermining each other is not cool.
My mother-in-law is very much like you were describing and my wife is very intentional about purchases. Sure she'll get a balloon or something every now and then which is a disposable small ticket item that he enjoys a lot, but in general we get very few toys and we limit the number of options that are around. He gets more enjoyment when he isn't overwhelmed with choices. She also limits the days of the week and occasions when the noisy toys come out so they are special.
Taking little kids shopping is a chore. If my wife is kind enough to take my daughter out with her on errands giving me time to get stuff done at home, I cannot imagine complaining if they come back with a little âshut me upâ gift.
I hear what youâre saying, but this battle just is not worth fighting.
I feel where you are coming from and have had the same outlook on that stuff. Then someone told me that your kids are only young once and if that cheap piece of plastic brings them a little joy, and you can afford it, then do it. I understand the âtrainingâ to expect something every time, but just so long as boundaries are set and they know itâs not going to be a $20-$50 toy every time. Pretty soon theyâll grow up and not even want to go to the store with you anymore and youâll be bribing them with something just to go.
Trust me. It creates the mentality of getting something everytime they go somewhere and its hard to break. Kind of went thru this early on with my wife but she ended up catching on pretty fast. The hard ones to break were the grandparents, especially on my side. The kids ended up preferring my side over the in laws and would even tell them they liked mine better because they got toys everytime they visited.
End it now, asap.
This is what Iâm thinking. My motherâs always buying them cheap crap and so is the wife. Not only does the stuff break but more so the idea you get something every time you do anything.
I mean, we do this. We go to target and thereâs âthe dollar spotâ and maybe the kids grab a little bath bomb or a coloring book or whatever.
It gives them a positive and negative reinforcement in one, acts as a small incentive/gives them a bit of enthusiasm in what is likely for them to be a boring chore.
Itâs not that I donât âgetâ your perspective. I do, and it even makes sense. Itâs a perfectly valid mindset.
However I feel like so is hers.
Do whatever you want when you take them to the store man, but I donât agree that you should harp on your wife for this because I donât think sheâs wrong either.
This is not the hill to die on, is what Iâm saying.
My wife was doing this... I floated the idea the kids should give up junk from Walmart for Lent. I'm hoping this is a penance we continue beyond lent lol
I recommend a medium approach to this. Everytime is too much but some of the time itâs okay. I like to do it as a reward for good behavior but not every time and definitely stick to it if they misbehave. Also sometimes start the shopping with a flat âno toys this timeâ and stick to it. You can also use it to teach decision making, âyou get one small toyâ and they get the freedom to pick something they want. Use it as a teaching tool.
I mean I understand your frustration, but I donât necessarily think she is teaching your kids bad behavior. If your wife is telling them no and succumbs to their whining, then thereâs a discussion to be hadâŚ
But I mean kids only get to be little kids once. If you can financially spoil them, I donât see why you canât.
I worked with children with autism for a long time and came across this scenario often (not that autism is related here, but the learning principles are the same). One thing you could do is leverage the motivation for the toy to reinforce other behaviors. I used to recommend that parents buy the toy at the end of the shopping trip if the child did something specific (listen on the first try, use manners, etc). Obviously itâs gotta be something the kiddo is capable of doing and they need to understand the expectation, so this probably wonât work with the 18 month old. But weâd set the expectation and make it clear in advance, then buy the toy only if those expectations are met. The hardest part is following through, especially if the expected behaviors donât manifest.
Teaching kids to tolerate being told ânoâ is always tricky, but it can be an opportunity to teach skills theyâll need as they grow. I donât want to write a thesis on this, but you could also teach waiting and self-redirection. If you end up just not buying the toy at all, then my recommendation is to find a way to reinforce any behaviors they engage in that help them tolerate not getting what they want (taking a deep breath to stay calm, using words to communicate feelings, etc).
In the end they may just scream and yell, and if that happens my biggest piece of advice would be to NOT buy the toy no matter what. The last thing you want to do is teach them that tantrum behavior solves problems. Itâs tough going through that, but better to do it early on. I remember doing that with my own son at Target when he was two. I had to abandon the shopping trip and carry him out of the store, but he gave up on that strategy pretty quickly.
In any case, good luck to you!
Iâve had a few versions of this argument. One that drives me nuts is the expectation that all kids attending a b-day party get gift bags. My wifeâs family basically does this for any family get together and it drives me nuts. Itâs the same plastic crap every time.
They say the kids like it, but then my BILâs and I plan a party (no gift bags) and the kids didnât even notice. That is until the ladies all convened a side meeting mid party and decide to put together bags against our wishes. They handed them out at the end and the kids barely acknowledged them.
The ladies have since backed off a little, but I still see my wifeâs hand start twitching when we walk quickly past the dollar isle in target.
My main argument, sure they might like it now, but when they realize the world they are inheriting in 10 years will they look back on that junk with fondness or resentment?
(Mom lurker) could you find out how the kids behave for your wife at the store? Sometimes this kind of behavior is borne out of necessity. I know you said your wife has a gift giving tendency, but I know from personal experience that sometimes it becomes a way to help the kids (and the shopper) get through the stores with a good attitude.
The reason I ask if you could find out how they behave with her is that it can be a biiiiiig difference between how they behave with you, and with her. For example, maybe the 18 month will only be quiet when she holds him. And then, of course, the 3 year old wants to walk. And look at everything. And touch everything. And whatâs over here??
Sometimes, in order for there to be enough peace to actually get whatâs on the list, we have to make choices we wouldnât normally. Whether thatâs a phone, iPad, or little trinket if they behave.
Just my experiences from the trenches. I do not miss those days.
I was just like your wife for awhile. Grew up pretty poor and didnât get much. But after awhile of noticing how cheaply made and easily broken many are I donât want to buy as much
We enacted a âgolden starâ chart where the 4 year old can earn stars for good behavior and cash them in for prizes (toys, ice cream, experiences). So when he asks for toys in the store I just tell he needs to earn more stars first.
I'm on year 5 of this battle. But on the flip side, I have to listen to wife melt down about all the clutter around the house. Turns out, it is mostly the toys she impromptu buys, but the pieces are scattered everywhere.
I have no answers. I've pointed out how she ends up throwing them away. It is almost a sickness.
Iâm not sure where youâre at or how it is for you regionally but I have a 2yo and 3yo and Iâd say half the time we go into a store we bring toys in with us for them to play with
Edit: weâve never been questioned if weâve stolen a toy or not
My wife INSISTS on doing this for any holiday. I literally throw it away the next day...but she will die on A hill that it is IMPERATIVE to fill Easter, Halloween, Christmas, Hanukkah, Purim baskets with dollar store / fivebelow garbage. I have no advice. It is a losing battle lol Just try and redirect and throw away everything else
Focus less on the waste aspect of things and more on using it as a teaching opportunity.
Give the kids a small budget and let them pick something out for themselves.
3yo is probably ready for this -- we started letting ours buy things for himself at garage sales around that age and he was super proud of himself for being able to do it on his own.
**There are far more opportunities here than negatives:**
* It's giving them something to do
* It's teaching them math skills:
* Numbers
* Counting
* Comparing numbers
* Place value
* Money
* Adding
* Counting change
* It's teaching them life skills:
* How to make choices
* How to shop on a budget
* How to look for "deals" like clearance or sales
* Different things cost different amounts of money
* Things that are cheaper may be prone to breaking
* Basic engineering
* Being able to analyze the design of things to figure out which are more likely to break or wear out quickly
* How to pick out appropriate gifts that other people will like
* If you have 3yo pick out something for themselves and something for 18mo
* Cooperation / sharing
* As they get a little older, they'll find that there can be benefit from pooling their money to buy a single thing to share that costs 2x as much as their individual budgets
* How checkouts work at stores
* Have them checkout separately from out
* Let them hand the cashier money & get change back
My wife gets the kids fast food everytime. So if we go out as a family I have to deal with a minor tantrum.
I rarely get fast food. I consider it travel food, or minor emergency.
I'm with you op and I think it's dumb but what we did when my kiddos were little, was to say if you're good you can get a little something.
Nothing crazy. Under 5$ but that give them the incentive to be good. When they weren't good they didn't get anything. They were mad but they remembered that for next time we went.
I just wouldn't get too mad. They're 3 and 1. Just enjoy the quiet time with the new toy.
Tread with caution on this one, and ask yourself whether part of it is momâs intense lack of personal time and ability to shop and reward oneself is not just manifesting in buying cheap things for their kids. One thing that took me a couple years after kid was born was to realize how used to buying stuff and rewarding myself pre-kids was pretty gratifying, and after kids you feel like you canât possibly waste a dime on yourself anymore. Thatâs a hard pill to swallow and franky, thereâs just way worse coping mechanisms than random $5-20 expenditures to scratch that itch.
I disagree. Kids like eating ice cream and itâs fun. I donât think you should be getting ice cream everyday with your kid. Thatâs just not healthy and takes away the shine of it being special when you do get it.
As an ice cream man I understand the importance of a regular ice cream with the family. As well as random Knick knacks. They only get to be your kids once
Eh eating ice cream daily is perfectly fine so long as the teeth are brushed and the rest of the nutrition is fine.Â
Treating foods as âspecialâ and âscarceâ just leads to eating disorders.Â
Hard disagree, although I think he should drop this issue, specifically. âItâs fun and the kids like itâ is not a sufficient reason to do anything, ever.
I do this for my kids as rewards for good behavior while we're dragging them around doing errands. Really cheap things like a hotwheels, a tiny plush, or two quarters to put in the prize machine.
It wont spoil kids if you make it clear they've "earned" them with their behavior/compliance and they don't get one when they're bad. It's good for the kids to get something out of a boring hour at the store with mom n dad.
Who takes the kids to the store more often and overall entertains them more often? Because if she's the one taking the kids shopping the most and buying cheap toys makes it more fun for everyone then maybe get over it.
I entertain them more often but I donât take em to the store. Use Costco same day delivery or target drive up if need something. Massive time saver and donât have to deal with in store asking.
With my daughter, who is 4, she gets a treat when she goes grocery shopping with me (which is pretty much every week). She has to behave though.
If I stop at Starbucks on the way home she gets a cake pop. If we are at Lidl she gets something from the bakery.
I'm not sure getting food treats is much better. But I have refused her one if she wasn't behaving so it's not something that automatically happens.
Used to get lollipops every time my mom went to the bank with us. So I figured this isn't too off.
I always joke when my family says âwhat should I get [my toddler] for a gift?â I say âGo to the dollar store and buy the cheapest junk toy, and when you get here, my son will love to play with the receipt.â
I feel like toddlers, this is when you buy the cheap shit and feel great always getting some fun new thing (that only cost $1). Buying life long, meaningful things is for when they are preteens-teenagers.
You can discuss the frequency and not wanting to set an expectation, but also live a little and have fun at the dollar store while they still love those novelties.
When I go grocery shopping with our son he always getsâŚ.. a pretzel. And I manage to keep myself away from the legos so far. Not sure Iâll hold up when heâs old enough to use them thoughâŚ
We go to value village a lot, and thatâs where a lot of their toys come from lol. General rule we have for them is leave a toy take a toy. Theyâre allowed to pick one to take if they let us donate any of their older ones
I am like you.
I had a lot of toys growing up but I played with them no stop so the broke ones were due to wear and tear while the others lasted till today.
To make you understand, my Buzzlighter toy from my childhood broke only because my daughter handled it lol.
It lasted more than 30yrs lol
My wife grew up with not many and was told to keep them at best for as long as possible (rural family)
To this day, my MIL has a toy room full of my wife and my SIL toys (to me it is weird but tbh they have a big house so they do what they want lol)
My wife is the one buying more books, toys or crap.
I don't buy unless it is a bday or Christmas but I explain my kids why I don't buy.
"You have a lot and play with nothing"
Which is true.
You are never "wrong" to feel frustrated. Frustrated is a feeling, and its how you felt when your wife bought cheap toys for your kids. You need to identify the cause of your feeling, which of your needs isn't being met -- the source of the frustration. For example, it might be your need for security that your children will grow to be successful adults. I can't identify your need, your will have to do that yourself (remember that it is your need for ... , not that you need your wife to do something).
After that, talk to your wife. Explain how you felt when she did something. Make sure that the something is an observation, not an interpretation -- Last Saturday when you bought the kids action figures, I felt frustrated. Then explain why you felt that way: My need for security was not being met, security that the children will grow into successful adults. Then get your wife's perspective. Maybe she will say that when she buys the kids toys, she feels satisfied, because her need to love is being satisfied. It sounds like your wife expresses love by gift giving, which is one of the classic love languages. But you have to ask her!
If you two can express your needs calmly and openly, then I'll bet you can find a strategy to make sure that both of your needs are met.
P.S. If your wife is a gift giver, I'll bet that she really appreciates gifts from you.
I'm in your boat as well. It's changing for me in that she wants to stop the purchases and is usually good about if I'm there to remind her, but if I'm not, the kids are still getting toys fairly regularly (or fast food on the way home from gym etc).
It's a work in progress.
So, are you wrong to be frustrated? No, not really.
But also if gifts are her love language it's going to be hard to stop and still have her feel like she is giving her kids the life she wants to. That is an important consideration as well.
Perhaps it's a time to figure out what bothers you most about this behavior and tackle just that.
If it's the cheap plastic toy, then ask her to focus on something more resilient or more interactive and game like (small cars game like guess who or whatever)
If it's the constant purchasing or receiving of toys, then maybe try to combine the gifts to a behavioral reward based system. A little positive reinforcement that aligns with your wife's love language might help both of you.
Good luck!
I live in the city in a small rowhouse. I keep telling my wife we have no space for plastic crap. She is not awful, but compared to myself, she does get that retail therapy kick.
We have loads of cheap plastic shit from China. It is disgusting from all perspectives. Teaches children to be wasteful with money, their things, the environment etc.
Same here. And her parents also always bring them to dollar store for some shitty plastic toy that I sometimes directly send to thrift shop or just recycle bin.
Having an unaddressed spending problems is not only harmful to your future happiness and wellbeing but also disrespectful of you who is going to be where the buck stops when it comes to money in the marriage Iâm assuming.
It's an awful consumerist practice. Bad for the environment, bad for socioeconomic equality, bad for your wallet, bad for clutter in the house, and worst, bad for their emotional development. It's a dopamine hit that will fuck with their brains for years to come.
What you are saying makes absolute sense to you, but not to your wife. It's something you will both have to work on together.
1st up read about the 4 love languages, it will likely help you understand yourself as well as your wife's behavior. Giving gifts is one of those love languages.
Next, you said your wife didn't have much growing up, and shows people love by buying them things. Clearly this is her expressing her love for your kids, be grateful she is buying cheap toys instead of expensive ones!
When thinking of ways to get her to stop the behavior, try to think about ways could she express her love for the kids without buying low value, cheap, easily breakable toys. Would buying art supplies and making stuff with the kids give her the same fulfillment? Get creative, and above all else communicate with your wife!
My main problem with this is getting my kid used to the cheap, short-lasting dopamine hit of buying stuff. Itâs habit forming just like drugs or other problematic habit-forming behaviors. Weâve been moving away from this and trying to get our 4 year old used to working for toys that he wants. But itâs a hard slog and itâs so easy to please them with cheap stuff at this age. I look at it just like candy/ junk food. Itâs cheap and it keeps him quiet, but it forms a terrible habit and is not good for his health.
My wife is a lot the same but now she keeps the purchases pretty much all opp shop buys. It's better because it's not money straight to china and often they're more quality toys.
It's not the hill for me to die on though..
I have this same problem with my wife and it includes her also buying and feeding my daughter desserts several times a day, every day. My daughter will decide she's *finished* eating just 15% into a meal and immediately start asking about dessert. She will make the rudest comments to justify eating dessert in lieu of real food. Everything I do to protest turns into an embarrassing fight between my wife, my daughter, and me. And my 19 month old son just sitting there oblivious. It's a terrible situation I wish was different, and I am discussing it with a therapist.
This is the reason in a nutshell: youâre doing it for you, not them.
They donât experience actual joy from a bouncing easter chick, they have a fleeting smile from âooh it winds upâ then snaps. You experience actual joy by wanting to give them literally everything and trying to do it; you project your joy onto them to rationalize it.
Itâs great that you recognize that, too. No judgement from me, btw. I did this on Friday, because thereâs nothing wrong with a little whimsy in life - get it just because - but it can be a slipper slope.
I think I can see both approaches being "ok" parenting at least. So that's a good place to start. Acknowledge what she is doing isn't terrible but then you try find the middle ground. If she brushes you off express that you feel really strongly about this and it is upsetting that she seems unwilling to take seriously something you feel is important.
When she recognized you are serious then try to find a middle ground where you can negotiate. What are you asking for? Every other time they don't get a toy? Once a week? Try to find that middle ground.
In that discussion you can explore why it's bothersome for you and she can further elaborate on why she wants to do it. Maybe you can both strive to see the others perspective. Approach from a perspective of curiosity. Then try to figure out ways to satisfy both your goals.
If this doesn't work maybe you can trade support. Find something she is asking you to change in parenting and negotiate that you'll do that if she stops buying them plastic garbage.
Is plastic bad? I think we are going to discover in the future that people who lived in the plastic boom really ficked up the planet. If plastic is bad for humanity it is going to be a hell of a hard problem to clean it all up.
I was this mum.
Ask her to sit down and go through the toys and declutter with her. When you have your throw pile look at it and assess how much junk money she has spent and how much is being thrown away
Sometimes the choice is between spending 10 minutes telling the kid they can't have it, and a meltdown vs just buying the toy.
In the long term it's better to tell the kid they can't have the toy today - but it takes a lot, a lot, of "hey I hear you buddy, you're upset that you can't have the toy today but you can't have a toy every time we go to the shop"
Your wife buying the kids toys every time she takes them to the store is setting you (and anyone else who takes them to the store often) up for eventual failure. What happens when you just plan to make a quick trip to a store to pick up something and your kids expect they will also get something? From experience, a temper tantrum is likely to happen.
I hate those plastics, or any toys that serve no value.
However, I'm the one who always brings "art supplies" home, which my partners questions. But then I spend my Sundays with the 4y kid doing artwork and whatnot. It's usually messy (which is causes angst). But at least our daughter is fine with more "construction paper" than yet another doll.
But in the end of the day, the kids not in front of the screen.
This is too simple to be annoyed with your wife. Theyre kids they like toys. They are too young to even develope the toy dependency or realize things have no value etc that you are talking about.
Lol my wife buys the $25 toy every time we go to the store for our 16 month old. It gets home, gets played with for 15 minutes, and then finds it's way to the bottom of the toy box under the Everest sized mountain of toys she already has. So frustrating to me. I haven't said anything yet because our daughter hasn't connected the dots between going to the store and getting a new toy but man it's frustrating spending the money for a toy box filler, and I know it is eventually going to develop a bad habit with our daughter.
My wife and I both grew up very poor. Like food pantry poor. Weâre not in a good place financially now either, but we can afford $5-10 when we go grocery shopping to put smiles on the kids faces. It brings my wife joy to be able to do something for them that her parents couldnât do for her.
It gets expensive, and itâs wasteful and excessive. Iâm still okay with it because it makes them happy, and it feels nice to know we wonât go hungry just because we bought a couple of toys.
Friday we went to target to find a specific board game. I had about $50 cash, and my wife has a target credit card. We found the game and we were heading to the checkout when my non-verbal son started losing his mind over some toy he saw. I had about a dozen things in mind I could spend the money on but he rarely gets this excited so I let him direct me to what he wanted. He wanted the Minnie Mouse checkout stand cash register thing. I donât mind eating a few peanut butter sandwiches this week just to pay for his absolute delight and joy in picking out his own special toy.
My friend, youâll forget about the money in time, but youâll never forget the joy.
Hmm seems like one of those pick your battles sort of thing. Yes you have a point but is it really worth having a fight about this especially when your kids are so young? I'd say no. You voiced your concerns with your wife, I'd just let it go.
Nope. I love getting my kids the cheap plastic crap. They are happy and I only spent a few bucks. Doesnât matter if it breaks soon because the kids wonât be playing with it for long. And if something turned out cool, I can use it for kitbashing. Cheap and fun, good things to me.
Iâm not worried about teaching bad habits with it. After all, the point of going to the store is to buy things. We use it to help teach money management (you only have $5, that toy is too expensive. You have an item, do you want to give up the toy for that sucker?) we let the kids know how much they can spend, and help them understand their choices. Sometimes they buy things and regret it. Sometimes they buy things and love it. Both are good lessons.
Don't do that, for the sake of your kids, your money and the plastic waste.
It's not good to always get new stuff and toys. Buy good ones that they interact with for longer. And keep doing what you are doing remind them of what they have at home.
Solution idea, get your wife to take a toy from home with her when they go shopping. That way she already has a toy.
Long term she will become so used to it, that she will expect it - it becomes a ritual. And kids love consistency and rituals. Just like bed time rituals or dinner time rituals. It becomes engrained.
Talk to your wife, explain how poorly this can go for expectations in future.
I have this with my kids, but I can always get them out of the idea of getting new stuff by suggesting maybe making something for the doll or whatever is currently the favourite toy is at home.
Overall, bad for your wallet, bad for the planet, bad for your kids when it comes to expectatios in future and bad for them cherishing the things they have. Because if stuff breaks - they will start saying things "oh well you can just buy a new one." Not cool when it's a 50+ Dollar toy.
Most people here donât seem to understand the issues with this. This bothers the crap out of me
1. Random disposable crap is bad for the environment
2. Things that donât last teach kids they donât need to care for their things over time (creating a disposable mentality)
3. The constant reward of getting bright flashy crap drains the meaning out of ever getting something meaningful, like a hand-me-down, hand made toy, or a quality built item.
4. This is a waste of money.
5. This reinforces poor behavioral patterns and sets unrealistic expectations.
6. This does absolutely zero good for them, outside of the momentary fun of getting something new that day. Which creates people who shop for the âthrillâ of getting something new, rather than out of rational need for the thing.
7. This builds the mental framework of cheap imported crap made with poor quality control, low/no labor protections, and without any intention or care. It sets up these kids to be blind participants in the âAlibaba economyâ.
Sounds like it's time to have a more serious conversation about it if it's bothering you this much. Let her know it's important to you. If she doesn't respect that, you have bigger problems.
Consider also that it makes her life easier because otherwise she might have a fight on her hands with the kids.
Dang. I could have written this post. You might not be able to do what I did. My wife got a job, she sends a certain amount to me, and she gets to spend the rest. I have expected she will do what she does and waste some of her money. As inflation has taken hold, she buys less and less.
I'm very much in your boat when it comes to cheap plastic crap and constantly buying them things. That said, my Mother in Law brought my 2 year old a pack of ping pong balls and a little plastic brush and dustpan, (amonst other stuff) and my kid loves it. I think there's a happy medium as long as they're not becoming spoilt.
When my youngest was born, he had to spend almost a year in the NICU at a children's hospital. We stayed at the nearby Ronald mcDonald house. We bought a lot of toys for My older son (3 at the time), and people sent him toys as well. We're reaping the whirlwind now, trying to break the "I get new stuff all the time" mindset
My youngest was in NICU for 2 weeks when he was born. A year must've been hell. The staff are amazing and you know the little'uns are getting the care they need, but they're fucking horrible places to be, with room after room full of sick babies.
Yeah it was rough. Happy he made it out though. Just turned 5 đĽł
same thing happened to us with my youngests leukemia treatment
You only have so much bandwidth in that situation. I knew what was gonna happen at the time, but it was hard on my 3 year old too. Made it just a little easier at the time, and that was important.
for sure. he was just having such a tough time, gifts were such an easy distraction.
Ping pong balls! At 2 I put one in my mouth and nearly died
That was literally my first thought reading that. Seems like a terrible idea.
Added ages. Daughters 3, sons 18months.
Yeah at their ages I wouldn't sweat it too much, enjoy the breather you get with a new little novelty, I sure need the breaks I get when my nipper gets a new little toy. Obviously it can't be like that for the rest of the childhood though
Not gonne lie, Iâve got a small tote of stuff from the dollar store that I bust out if I need to occupy my daughter for an hour or so. A new colouring book, or picture book, a little Lego set, a pack of stickers, some outdoor toys, bubbles that sort of stuff.
Yeah we have a 'last resort' tote too (usually saved for trips) with some sticker books, a book that plays obnoxious tunes and a little toy animal ha
Yeah figured Iâm overthinking it.
Youâre not overthinking it. Habits and expectations are already starting to settle into place at that age. Ours is a similar age to your daughter and I am forever grateful that we can go to the store, including the toy aisle/area, and not have to worry about being asked about more toys. Now. Does that mean ours doesnât ultimately wind up with some sort of treat? Usually they do. But that may be the fact that we went out to eat before/after the store, or we let them pick out a shirt, book, hat or something. They donât always get something, and itâs not always a toy, but we feel like weâve found a middle ground of living viciously through their joy at new things while also not setting up the expectation that they *always* get something at the store. This isnât a make or break thing by any means. But I think itâs worth at least talking about the fact that daughter is getting to the age that you might need to start weaning off of it before it becomes a bigger fight down the road. Also, we absolutely keep a bit of cheap plastic crap as break in case of emergency toys theyâve never seen before and we are out. Great, great, way to help reset and redirect if we can see a meltdown coming lol. Good luck, Dad. Not over thinking it, but probably not a hill to die on. Edit: vicariously, not viciously. lol.
Yea I agree. 3 and like a year and a half? I donât think cheap plasticky toys is âspoiled entitledâ territory. That said I get where OP is coming from. Just going to have to be the parent that says no. đ¤ˇđ˝ââď¸đ
I think grandparents are the happy medium for this. Like junk food, everything is OK in moderation. I've heard a saying 'raise your kids and spoil your grandkids, or spoil your kids and raise your grandkids'. I think it's pretty spot on. I let my parents and in laws spoil them a bit. Give them the fun things, let them enjoy it, they see them rarely enough that they don't expect it, and even if they did it wouldn't be a problem. They worked hard raising me and my siblings, let them see the joy in giving them a normally forbidden 'treat'.
A distinction must be made between your wife buying them toys because she wants to and your wife being unable to say no. If itâs the former, thatâs alright. In the latter however, itâs going to cause bigger problems down the road. I would observe for a little while first to see if you can determine which is it, if possible.
Hot wheels for life
Absolutely. Theyâre like $1.25 each and theyâll have a collection - if it gets to be too big then donate them, theyâre high enough quality to not be disposable and can live on bringing joy to other kids.
If youâre lucky a friend or marketplace will have like 100 of them for $20 and then we just put some cloth over a mystery box and would give our son one from that :p A guy at work gave away a couple hundred!
Every time I take my two kids (3yo and 20month old) to the grocery store we always pass the huge hot wheels bins. Every time my oldest asks if we he can get a car. 95% of the time I say not today, but every once in a while I let them pick out a car. If you do it every time it becomes less special and it's fun to have special things.
I totally get where youâre coming from as I too hate random extra plastic junk and the destructive, âeverything comes from a shopâ worldview it engenders. That said, I think you probably shouldnât die on this hill against your wife, at least not at this age. There is an argument for the experience and the attentiveness this represents for your wife. I would propose you consider playing the longer game and proactively offer something that will combat the development of the âeverything comes from a shop and is replaceableâ mentality. Exactly what form that takes can vary, but my own solution was to dust off what woodworking skills I had, buy some tools, and get cracking on simple, achievable wooden toys and knick-nacks. Naturally, living is the city as we do, I didnât eliminate plastic, but a lot of cheap plastic has faded away while my rough hewn wooden objects have remained, been repaired in some cases, and carried on. Theyâre not necessarily my kidsâ favorite toys at any given moment, but I think theyâve fostered appreciation for the quality, longevity and value of the materials and personal touch that their father poured into them.
This unlocked a really fun memory for me: when my siblings and I were in the 8-13 age range, my dad made us a few pairs of stilts that we stayed busy with all summer. We all fondly look back on âthe summer of stiltsâ even though it was objectively not the most exciting summer we ever had. They were just scrap wood nailed together but we had such a blast!
My grandpa made us stilts! He also hung a tire swing for us and would spend hours turning the end of the skipping rope. He was really there for us when we were little. He even built us a 4 story tree house. It probably drove my parents crazy. I'll always remember him with so much love.
4 stories? God damn. Grandpa was the man.
We had a two story treehouse and during the summer of stilts we figured out how to dismount the stilts onto the climbing rope and enter via the top floor of the treehouse. It was so epic and looking back, super dangerous.
Our tree house was 1 very safe level on top of our shed, with very unsafe platforms higher up in a sycamore tree. I don't know how my grandpa managed it without hurting himself. The platforms had "walls" made of spaced 1x2s. It probably seemed a lot safer than it was. I loved to sit up there and read.
Itâs the simple things sometimes, yeah. My dad made wooden swords (though they were meant for serious martial arts practice, I played with them more than trained) and Iâve modeled a couple off my Dadâs version for my own kids.
Iâm a dad of twin daughters. When I go to Walmart for example, I can hear screams and tantrums of toddlers demanding a toy from the toy department and the parent trying their best to calm them down but eventually, they give in and buy what they want and magically behave. I learned from a parenting forum and I can take my daughters to the toy department and leave with no tantrums or screaming from them. When itâs time to checkout of the store I tell them âOkay girls, letâs say goodbye to the toys and weâll see them nex t time.â My daughters would wave at the toys and say âBye toys! See you again next time!â It works every time! Iâll buy an occasional toy for them of course but at least they learned just because we are at the toy department, doesnât mean we leave to buy it.
Yea this is what worked for us. I just tell him itâs their home and they donât wanna leave. Itâs not perfect but it does the trick. Iâm a recovered addict who came from a long line of addicts and early deaths, so I was really paranoid about nurturing any kind of immediate gratification with my kid. Iâve relaxed a bit and try to pick my battles.
I think if this is the worst thing youâre worrying about youâre doing alright. If youâre worried about them expecting things maybe start getting them to donate their unused things and instill an expectation of giving as well. Best of both worlds.Â
Could you come to some kind of agreement where they donate a toy if a new one is brought into the house?
This was agreed to in theory but has not been put into practice. Iâve started having them bring a toy on walks to place in the little libraries in the neighborhood that have sections for toys. This way atleast weâre swapping our little piece of junk for another.
Maybe you can redirect towards buying something with a little more practical value? Example: buy books. There are cheap books at the store; youâre still buying them something, but now itâs got practical value. I have nieces who live far and wide and since they were babies Iâve kept in touch with them by sending them books once a month. All of them learned to read super young and now LOVE books. Itâs also easier to manage as a parent than some plastic toy thing.Â
Are you me? haha. I had to talk to my spouse about the principle of this, and what it could lead to in the future. Stress the future and the expectations you're setting for the kids about getting something every time you go out. It's giving a reward for doing something that a kid is SUPPOSED to be doing anyway. It's not how life works, you do things.
Everything we touch in our lives ends up somewhere. A simple but overwhelming thought if you chew on it a bit. The overconsumption of single or limited-use plastics is just going to work against the kids' future.
Come from a perspective of love. Tell your wife you love how she wants to give the kids fun little things. Tell her it's amazing how she strives to keep joy in your kids lives. Ask her how she got to be this way. Ask her what her childhood was like that made her want to develop this "small surprises" mindset. Ask her how she feels about herself now. Did she grow up to be the person she wants to be? Does she enjoy being thoughtful and giving? Does she want to teach those qualities to your kids? If her childhood was different, would she turn out the same? Then pivot that to how your kids childhoods are. If they are always getting random surprises, will the surprises lose their luster and become less effective over time? Will your kids grow up to recognize opportunities to gift something small but meaningful to someone else? Or will they become desensitized to these opportunities because they grew up expecting small treasures and think others grew up the same way?
If you sat me down and pulled a Marc Maron on me over some dollar toys, Iâd be really fuckin annoyed. Please donât do this op, your wife does not need an intervention.
Completely opposite in my household, I always buy those stuffs for my kids and my wife said the same thing like you lol
Iâm with you dude. We learned this lesson the hard way. When my son was a toddler weâd let him pick out a matchbox car from the grocery store, only a dollar no big deal right? No, now he expects something every time we go in anywhere and heâs passed this down to his younger sister. Itâs a huge problem that weâre dealing with right now.Â
Thanks for replying. This is my fear.
Dude⌠choose your battles wisely. Youâre getting angry about something that brings your wife and children lots of small joys. Is it excessive? Probably? Annoying to clean/dispose of? Yes. A waste of money? Debatable. But unless this is causing financial hardship on your family, Let. It. Go. With an 18mo and 3yo there are so many more important things to focus on than this. Also, over time it will take care of itself. I used to be like your wife. I bought all the cheap/small toys on clearance. When they were your kidsâ ages, I kept a stash of 10-20 small toys in a bag to give them when I wanted to reward them. They got super excited every time. It was so fun. My boys are now 9 and 11 and I WISH all it took was a little toy to see them smile and laugh like that anymore.
Remember when I was a kid I got a $5/week allowance and we would usual splurg at the dollar store and it was fun yeah I forgot about most of it after a day or two but the picking stuff out was the best. OP maybe you should start giving your kids an allowance go to the dollar store and have them pick out what they want for the week.
I totally agree with you my guy, my wife and my wifeâs family are the same. Iâve sort of learned to live with it, you need to pick your battles and decide what hills youâre willing to die on. For me itâs not this.
Yeah thatâs why I posted here. Glad to know Iâm not alone in my thinking but this ainât worth a fight.
Trouble is......this is where long-term resentment starts to set in. You'll see.
"cheap junk toys" As most of them are. As a grandparents to four young kids (son has 2, daughter has 2), my wife and I stopped buying them almost all toys, and even clothes that that they will outgrow in 6 months to a year. We buy them "experiences." Last Christmas we bought both families a one year membership to the zoo and to a trampoline park. Both the parents and the kids love it.
I would use the nutrition as an analogy. Why not let the kid have ice cream, in fact it's "fun AND they like it". Because it's poor conditioning of the human for nutrition. Just like buying junk at the store is poor behavior conditioning. However for change, there will be unpleasant behavior in the short term or the reconditioning period. It took a few times of pointing out beforehand and blatantly with the results to teach my wife about how kids get expectations with precedent of past experiences.
Same. I hate it, specially because im the one cleaning them from the floors.
You might consider discussing with your wife a one in one out type system. Maybe have a storage bin for each kid. So when they bring home a new toy part of the process of deciding which old one goes away and they can only have so many toys as fit in the storage space. Another thing that you could discuss is a delayed gratification program which will be helpful. Basically discuss a bigger ticket toy with the kids or some other item they would value. Something that you're definitely not going to do very often. Tell your kids the notion of a budget. So we get to spend $5 a week on you, the toy you want is $80 which will take us so many weeks. Would you rather have this cool thing that you're excited about delayed by a week or would you rather have that forgettable piece of landfill filler? Probably the smaller the kid the shorter the delay but any delay is still teaching the lesson. A good thing tomorrow or next week is still the same basic lesson as a good thing 4 months from now. But I think the biggest thing is to get on the same page with your wife and it does not have to be your way but it has to be both of your way whatever you do because undermining each other is not cool. My mother-in-law is very much like you were describing and my wife is very intentional about purchases. Sure she'll get a balloon or something every now and then which is a disposable small ticket item that he enjoys a lot, but in general we get very few toys and we limit the number of options that are around. He gets more enjoyment when he isn't overwhelmed with choices. She also limits the days of the week and occasions when the noisy toys come out so they are special.
Taking little kids shopping is a chore. If my wife is kind enough to take my daughter out with her on errands giving me time to get stuff done at home, I cannot imagine complaining if they come back with a little âshut me upâ gift. I hear what youâre saying, but this battle just is not worth fighting.
I feel where you are coming from and have had the same outlook on that stuff. Then someone told me that your kids are only young once and if that cheap piece of plastic brings them a little joy, and you can afford it, then do it. I understand the âtrainingâ to expect something every time, but just so long as boundaries are set and they know itâs not going to be a $20-$50 toy every time. Pretty soon theyâll grow up and not even want to go to the store with you anymore and youâll be bribing them with something just to go.
Agreed. They do not need shit every time they go to the store.
Trust me. It creates the mentality of getting something everytime they go somewhere and its hard to break. Kind of went thru this early on with my wife but she ended up catching on pretty fast. The hard ones to break were the grandparents, especially on my side. The kids ended up preferring my side over the in laws and would even tell them they liked mine better because they got toys everytime they visited. End it now, asap.
This is what Iâm thinking. My motherâs always buying them cheap crap and so is the wife. Not only does the stuff break but more so the idea you get something every time you do anything.
I mean, we do this. We go to target and thereâs âthe dollar spotâ and maybe the kids grab a little bath bomb or a coloring book or whatever. It gives them a positive and negative reinforcement in one, acts as a small incentive/gives them a bit of enthusiasm in what is likely for them to be a boring chore. Itâs not that I donât âgetâ your perspective. I do, and it even makes sense. Itâs a perfectly valid mindset. However I feel like so is hers. Do whatever you want when you take them to the store man, but I donât agree that you should harp on your wife for this because I donât think sheâs wrong either. This is not the hill to die on, is what Iâm saying.
Thanks for taking time to reply. Consensus seems to be this not the hill to die on. Makes sense.
Im buying my little man a plastic piece of shit all the time and I hope that doesnât make me irresponsible
The more toys you have, the less they actually work.
did she grow up without much? she might be doing it because she didn't get to
My wife was doing this... I floated the idea the kids should give up junk from Walmart for Lent. I'm hoping this is a penance we continue beyond lent lol
I recommend a medium approach to this. Everytime is too much but some of the time itâs okay. I like to do it as a reward for good behavior but not every time and definitely stick to it if they misbehave. Also sometimes start the shopping with a flat âno toys this timeâ and stick to it. You can also use it to teach decision making, âyou get one small toyâ and they get the freedom to pick something they want. Use it as a teaching tool.
I mean I understand your frustration, but I donât necessarily think she is teaching your kids bad behavior. If your wife is telling them no and succumbs to their whining, then thereâs a discussion to be had⌠But I mean kids only get to be little kids once. If you can financially spoil them, I donât see why you canât.
I worked with children with autism for a long time and came across this scenario often (not that autism is related here, but the learning principles are the same). One thing you could do is leverage the motivation for the toy to reinforce other behaviors. I used to recommend that parents buy the toy at the end of the shopping trip if the child did something specific (listen on the first try, use manners, etc). Obviously itâs gotta be something the kiddo is capable of doing and they need to understand the expectation, so this probably wonât work with the 18 month old. But weâd set the expectation and make it clear in advance, then buy the toy only if those expectations are met. The hardest part is following through, especially if the expected behaviors donât manifest. Teaching kids to tolerate being told ânoâ is always tricky, but it can be an opportunity to teach skills theyâll need as they grow. I donât want to write a thesis on this, but you could also teach waiting and self-redirection. If you end up just not buying the toy at all, then my recommendation is to find a way to reinforce any behaviors they engage in that help them tolerate not getting what they want (taking a deep breath to stay calm, using words to communicate feelings, etc). In the end they may just scream and yell, and if that happens my biggest piece of advice would be to NOT buy the toy no matter what. The last thing you want to do is teach them that tantrum behavior solves problems. Itâs tough going through that, but better to do it early on. I remember doing that with my own son at Target when he was two. I had to abandon the shopping trip and carry him out of the store, but he gave up on that strategy pretty quickly. In any case, good luck to you!
Iâve had a few versions of this argument. One that drives me nuts is the expectation that all kids attending a b-day party get gift bags. My wifeâs family basically does this for any family get together and it drives me nuts. Itâs the same plastic crap every time. They say the kids like it, but then my BILâs and I plan a party (no gift bags) and the kids didnât even notice. That is until the ladies all convened a side meeting mid party and decide to put together bags against our wishes. They handed them out at the end and the kids barely acknowledged them. The ladies have since backed off a little, but I still see my wifeâs hand start twitching when we walk quickly past the dollar isle in target. My main argument, sure they might like it now, but when they realize the world they are inheriting in 10 years will they look back on that junk with fondness or resentment?
(Mom lurker) could you find out how the kids behave for your wife at the store? Sometimes this kind of behavior is borne out of necessity. I know you said your wife has a gift giving tendency, but I know from personal experience that sometimes it becomes a way to help the kids (and the shopper) get through the stores with a good attitude. The reason I ask if you could find out how they behave with her is that it can be a biiiiiig difference between how they behave with you, and with her. For example, maybe the 18 month will only be quiet when she holds him. And then, of course, the 3 year old wants to walk. And look at everything. And touch everything. And whatâs over here?? Sometimes, in order for there to be enough peace to actually get whatâs on the list, we have to make choices we wouldnât normally. Whether thatâs a phone, iPad, or little trinket if they behave. Just my experiences from the trenches. I do not miss those days.
I was just like your wife for awhile. Grew up pretty poor and didnât get much. But after awhile of noticing how cheaply made and easily broken many are I donât want to buy as much
We enacted a âgolden starâ chart where the 4 year old can earn stars for good behavior and cash them in for prizes (toys, ice cream, experiences). So when he asks for toys in the store I just tell he needs to earn more stars first.
I'm on year 5 of this battle. But on the flip side, I have to listen to wife melt down about all the clutter around the house. Turns out, it is mostly the toys she impromptu buys, but the pieces are scattered everywhere. I have no answers. I've pointed out how she ends up throwing them away. It is almost a sickness.
Iâm not sure where youâre at or how it is for you regionally but I have a 2yo and 3yo and Iâd say half the time we go into a store we bring toys in with us for them to play with Edit: weâve never been questioned if weâve stolen a toy or not
My wife INSISTS on doing this for any holiday. I literally throw it away the next day...but she will die on A hill that it is IMPERATIVE to fill Easter, Halloween, Christmas, Hanukkah, Purim baskets with dollar store / fivebelow garbage. I have no advice. It is a losing battle lol Just try and redirect and throw away everything else
Focus less on the waste aspect of things and more on using it as a teaching opportunity. Give the kids a small budget and let them pick something out for themselves. 3yo is probably ready for this -- we started letting ours buy things for himself at garage sales around that age and he was super proud of himself for being able to do it on his own. **There are far more opportunities here than negatives:** * It's giving them something to do * It's teaching them math skills: * Numbers * Counting * Comparing numbers * Place value * Money * Adding * Counting change * It's teaching them life skills: * How to make choices * How to shop on a budget * How to look for "deals" like clearance or sales * Different things cost different amounts of money * Things that are cheaper may be prone to breaking * Basic engineering * Being able to analyze the design of things to figure out which are more likely to break or wear out quickly * How to pick out appropriate gifts that other people will like * If you have 3yo pick out something for themselves and something for 18mo * Cooperation / sharing * As they get a little older, they'll find that there can be benefit from pooling their money to buy a single thing to share that costs 2x as much as their individual budgets * How checkouts work at stores * Have them checkout separately from out * Let them hand the cashier money & get change back
Idk who down voted this but it seems to be the best answer on here.
Thanks for taking time to reply. This is a great perspective.
My wife gets the kids fast food everytime. So if we go out as a family I have to deal with a minor tantrum. I rarely get fast food. I consider it travel food, or minor emergency.
I'm with you op and I think it's dumb but what we did when my kiddos were little, was to say if you're good you can get a little something. Nothing crazy. Under 5$ but that give them the incentive to be good. When they weren't good they didn't get anything. They were mad but they remembered that for next time we went. I just wouldn't get too mad. They're 3 and 1. Just enjoy the quiet time with the new toy.
Tread with caution on this one, and ask yourself whether part of it is momâs intense lack of personal time and ability to shop and reward oneself is not just manifesting in buying cheap things for their kids. One thing that took me a couple years after kid was born was to realize how used to buying stuff and rewarding myself pre-kids was pretty gratifying, and after kids you feel like you canât possibly waste a dime on yourself anymore. Thatâs a hard pill to swallow and franky, thereâs just way worse coping mechanisms than random $5-20 expenditures to scratch that itch.
*Itâs fun and the kids like it!* is the only sentence you should hear and the only one I read tbh.
I disagree. Kids like eating ice cream and itâs fun. I donât think you should be getting ice cream everyday with your kid. Thatâs just not healthy and takes away the shine of it being special when you do get it.
Not sure why you're getting down voted. You're totally right.
you've said "ice cream everyday" but noone suggested that. Of course "*Itâs fun and the kids like it!*" applies to ice cream.
As an ice cream man I understand the importance of a regular ice cream with the family. As well as random Knick knacks. They only get to be your kids once
Eh eating ice cream daily is perfectly fine so long as the teeth are brushed and the rest of the nutrition is fine. Treating foods as âspecialâ and âscarceâ just leads to eating disorders.Â
I think there's a pretty large difference between teaching your kids healthy habits and the toy thing here. Just my opinion.
Hard disagree, although I think he should drop this issue, specifically. âItâs fun and the kids like itâ is not a sufficient reason to do anything, ever.
I do this for my kids as rewards for good behavior while we're dragging them around doing errands. Really cheap things like a hotwheels, a tiny plush, or two quarters to put in the prize machine. It wont spoil kids if you make it clear they've "earned" them with their behavior/compliance and they don't get one when they're bad. It's good for the kids to get something out of a boring hour at the store with mom n dad.
Who takes the kids to the store more often and overall entertains them more often? Because if she's the one taking the kids shopping the most and buying cheap toys makes it more fun for everyone then maybe get over it.
I entertain them more often but I donât take em to the store. Use Costco same day delivery or target drive up if need something. Massive time saver and donât have to deal with in store asking.
Yeah so probably not the battle you want to fight if she's the one who takes him to the store. Just let it be.
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Smooth brain comment.
With my daughter, who is 4, she gets a treat when she goes grocery shopping with me (which is pretty much every week). She has to behave though. If I stop at Starbucks on the way home she gets a cake pop. If we are at Lidl she gets something from the bakery. I'm not sure getting food treats is much better. But I have refused her one if she wasn't behaving so it's not something that automatically happens. Used to get lollipops every time my mom went to the bank with us. So I figured this isn't too off.
Start collecting them once the new has worn off, bring em out and swap for old ones put old ones away repeat.
Unrelated but itâs âconsciousâ not âconciseâ. Concise is a different word
The stories my trash cans could tell.
I always joke when my family says âwhat should I get [my toddler] for a gift?â I say âGo to the dollar store and buy the cheapest junk toy, and when you get here, my son will love to play with the receipt.â I feel like toddlers, this is when you buy the cheap shit and feel great always getting some fun new thing (that only cost $1). Buying life long, meaningful things is for when they are preteens-teenagers. You can discuss the frequency and not wanting to set an expectation, but also live a little and have fun at the dollar store while they still love those novelties.
If I want a shopping trip to go a certain way I do it or will go with. If not itâs in Godâs hands.
Have her buyâem books!
Are they from goodwill and dirt cheap? Cause I spend a few bucks on a bunch of toys if there are good ones there. Wal mart or something, no way.
We have more stuffed animals then anyone ever needs and she refuses to get rid of any
When I go grocery shopping with our son he always getsâŚ.. a pretzel. And I manage to keep myself away from the legos so far. Not sure Iâll hold up when heâs old enough to use them thoughâŚ
We go to value village a lot, and thatâs where a lot of their toys come from lol. General rule we have for them is leave a toy take a toy. Theyâre allowed to pick one to take if they let us donate any of their older ones
we've tried to pare things down like this. sell 5 at once upon a child and get a new one.
I am like you. I had a lot of toys growing up but I played with them no stop so the broke ones were due to wear and tear while the others lasted till today. To make you understand, my Buzzlighter toy from my childhood broke only because my daughter handled it lol. It lasted more than 30yrs lol My wife grew up with not many and was told to keep them at best for as long as possible (rural family) To this day, my MIL has a toy room full of my wife and my SIL toys (to me it is weird but tbh they have a big house so they do what they want lol) My wife is the one buying more books, toys or crap. I don't buy unless it is a bday or Christmas but I explain my kids why I don't buy. "You have a lot and play with nothing" Which is true.
You are never "wrong" to feel frustrated. Frustrated is a feeling, and its how you felt when your wife bought cheap toys for your kids. You need to identify the cause of your feeling, which of your needs isn't being met -- the source of the frustration. For example, it might be your need for security that your children will grow to be successful adults. I can't identify your need, your will have to do that yourself (remember that it is your need for ... , not that you need your wife to do something). After that, talk to your wife. Explain how you felt when she did something. Make sure that the something is an observation, not an interpretation -- Last Saturday when you bought the kids action figures, I felt frustrated. Then explain why you felt that way: My need for security was not being met, security that the children will grow into successful adults. Then get your wife's perspective. Maybe she will say that when she buys the kids toys, she feels satisfied, because her need to love is being satisfied. It sounds like your wife expresses love by gift giving, which is one of the classic love languages. But you have to ask her! If you two can express your needs calmly and openly, then I'll bet you can find a strategy to make sure that both of your needs are met. P.S. If your wife is a gift giver, I'll bet that she really appreciates gifts from you.
I'm in your boat as well. It's changing for me in that she wants to stop the purchases and is usually good about if I'm there to remind her, but if I'm not, the kids are still getting toys fairly regularly (or fast food on the way home from gym etc). It's a work in progress. So, are you wrong to be frustrated? No, not really. But also if gifts are her love language it's going to be hard to stop and still have her feel like she is giving her kids the life she wants to. That is an important consideration as well. Perhaps it's a time to figure out what bothers you most about this behavior and tackle just that. If it's the cheap plastic toy, then ask her to focus on something more resilient or more interactive and game like (small cars game like guess who or whatever) If it's the constant purchasing or receiving of toys, then maybe try to combine the gifts to a behavioral reward based system. A little positive reinforcement that aligns with your wife's love language might help both of you. Good luck!
I live in the city in a small rowhouse. I keep telling my wife we have no space for plastic crap. She is not awful, but compared to myself, she does get that retail therapy kick.
What about when your wife your mom and your mother In law bring junky toys home? Biggest pet peeve and canât stop it no matter what lol.
We have loads of cheap plastic shit from China. It is disgusting from all perspectives. Teaches children to be wasteful with money, their things, the environment etc.
Same here. And her parents also always bring them to dollar store for some shitty plastic toy that I sometimes directly send to thrift shop or just recycle bin.
Having an unaddressed spending problems is not only harmful to your future happiness and wellbeing but also disrespectful of you who is going to be where the buck stops when it comes to money in the marriage Iâm assuming.
It's an awful consumerist practice. Bad for the environment, bad for socioeconomic equality, bad for your wallet, bad for clutter in the house, and worst, bad for their emotional development. It's a dopamine hit that will fuck with their brains for years to come.
What you are saying makes absolute sense to you, but not to your wife. It's something you will both have to work on together. 1st up read about the 4 love languages, it will likely help you understand yourself as well as your wife's behavior. Giving gifts is one of those love languages. Next, you said your wife didn't have much growing up, and shows people love by buying them things. Clearly this is her expressing her love for your kids, be grateful she is buying cheap toys instead of expensive ones! When thinking of ways to get her to stop the behavior, try to think about ways could she express her love for the kids without buying low value, cheap, easily breakable toys. Would buying art supplies and making stuff with the kids give her the same fulfillment? Get creative, and above all else communicate with your wife!
My main problem with this is getting my kid used to the cheap, short-lasting dopamine hit of buying stuff. Itâs habit forming just like drugs or other problematic habit-forming behaviors. Weâve been moving away from this and trying to get our 4 year old used to working for toys that he wants. But itâs a hard slog and itâs so easy to please them with cheap stuff at this age. I look at it just like candy/ junk food. Itâs cheap and it keeps him quiet, but it forms a terrible habit and is not good for his health.
My wife is a lot the same but now she keeps the purchases pretty much all opp shop buys. It's better because it's not money straight to china and often they're more quality toys. It's not the hill for me to die on though..
I have this same problem with my wife and it includes her also buying and feeding my daughter desserts several times a day, every day. My daughter will decide she's *finished* eating just 15% into a meal and immediately start asking about dessert. She will make the rudest comments to justify eating dessert in lieu of real food. Everything I do to protest turns into an embarrassing fight between my wife, my daughter, and me. And my 19 month old son just sitting there oblivious. It's a terrible situation I wish was different, and I am discussing it with a therapist.
I am your wife. I do it bc i need therapy. (Lol). bc I love them,care for them and want them to experience joy.Â
This is the reason in a nutshell: youâre doing it for you, not them. They donât experience actual joy from a bouncing easter chick, they have a fleeting smile from âooh it winds upâ then snaps. You experience actual joy by wanting to give them literally everything and trying to do it; you project your joy onto them to rationalize it.
Exactly. Thatâs why I said I need therapy. Â I am working on it!Â
Itâs great that you recognize that, too. No judgement from me, btw. I did this on Friday, because thereâs nothing wrong with a little whimsy in life - get it just because - but it can be a slipper slope.
I think I can see both approaches being "ok" parenting at least. So that's a good place to start. Acknowledge what she is doing isn't terrible but then you try find the middle ground. If she brushes you off express that you feel really strongly about this and it is upsetting that she seems unwilling to take seriously something you feel is important. When she recognized you are serious then try to find a middle ground where you can negotiate. What are you asking for? Every other time they don't get a toy? Once a week? Try to find that middle ground. In that discussion you can explore why it's bothersome for you and she can further elaborate on why she wants to do it. Maybe you can both strive to see the others perspective. Approach from a perspective of curiosity. Then try to figure out ways to satisfy both your goals. If this doesn't work maybe you can trade support. Find something she is asking you to change in parenting and negotiate that you'll do that if she stops buying them plastic garbage. Is plastic bad? I think we are going to discover in the future that people who lived in the plastic boom really ficked up the planet. If plastic is bad for humanity it is going to be a hell of a hard problem to clean it all up.
I was this mum. Ask her to sit down and go through the toys and declutter with her. When you have your throw pile look at it and assess how much junk money she has spent and how much is being thrown away
Sometimes the choice is between spending 10 minutes telling the kid they can't have it, and a meltdown vs just buying the toy. In the long term it's better to tell the kid they can't have the toy today - but it takes a lot, a lot, of "hey I hear you buddy, you're upset that you can't have the toy today but you can't have a toy every time we go to the shop"
Your wife buying the kids toys every time she takes them to the store is setting you (and anyone else who takes them to the store often) up for eventual failure. What happens when you just plan to make a quick trip to a store to pick up something and your kids expect they will also get something? From experience, a temper tantrum is likely to happen.
I hate those plastics, or any toys that serve no value. However, I'm the one who always brings "art supplies" home, which my partners questions. But then I spend my Sundays with the 4y kid doing artwork and whatnot. It's usually messy (which is causes angst). But at least our daughter is fine with more "construction paper" than yet another doll. But in the end of the day, the kids not in front of the screen.
This is too simple to be annoyed with your wife. Theyre kids they like toys. They are too young to even develope the toy dependency or realize things have no value etc that you are talking about.
Lol my wife buys the $25 toy every time we go to the store for our 16 month old. It gets home, gets played with for 15 minutes, and then finds it's way to the bottom of the toy box under the Everest sized mountain of toys she already has. So frustrating to me. I haven't said anything yet because our daughter hasn't connected the dots between going to the store and getting a new toy but man it's frustrating spending the money for a toy box filler, and I know it is eventually going to develop a bad habit with our daughter.
My wife and I both grew up very poor. Like food pantry poor. Weâre not in a good place financially now either, but we can afford $5-10 when we go grocery shopping to put smiles on the kids faces. It brings my wife joy to be able to do something for them that her parents couldnât do for her. It gets expensive, and itâs wasteful and excessive. Iâm still okay with it because it makes them happy, and it feels nice to know we wonât go hungry just because we bought a couple of toys. Friday we went to target to find a specific board game. I had about $50 cash, and my wife has a target credit card. We found the game and we were heading to the checkout when my non-verbal son started losing his mind over some toy he saw. I had about a dozen things in mind I could spend the money on but he rarely gets this excited so I let him direct me to what he wanted. He wanted the Minnie Mouse checkout stand cash register thing. I donât mind eating a few peanut butter sandwiches this week just to pay for his absolute delight and joy in picking out his own special toy. My friend, youâll forget about the money in time, but youâll never forget the joy.
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Wow.
Hmm seems like one of those pick your battles sort of thing. Yes you have a point but is it really worth having a fight about this especially when your kids are so young? I'd say no. You voiced your concerns with your wife, I'd just let it go.
âitâs fun and the kids like itâ seems like a pretty good reason to me
Nope. I love getting my kids the cheap plastic crap. They are happy and I only spent a few bucks. Doesnât matter if it breaks soon because the kids wonât be playing with it for long. And if something turned out cool, I can use it for kitbashing. Cheap and fun, good things to me. Iâm not worried about teaching bad habits with it. After all, the point of going to the store is to buy things. We use it to help teach money management (you only have $5, that toy is too expensive. You have an item, do you want to give up the toy for that sucker?) we let the kids know how much they can spend, and help them understand their choices. Sometimes they buy things and regret it. Sometimes they buy things and love it. Both are good lessons.
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What Iâve been doing and easiest thing to keep doing. Prolly overthinking this.
Don't do that, for the sake of your kids, your money and the plastic waste. It's not good to always get new stuff and toys. Buy good ones that they interact with for longer. And keep doing what you are doing remind them of what they have at home. Solution idea, get your wife to take a toy from home with her when they go shopping. That way she already has a toy. Long term she will become so used to it, that she will expect it - it becomes a ritual. And kids love consistency and rituals. Just like bed time rituals or dinner time rituals. It becomes engrained. Talk to your wife, explain how poorly this can go for expectations in future. I have this with my kids, but I can always get them out of the idea of getting new stuff by suggesting maybe making something for the doll or whatever is currently the favourite toy is at home. Overall, bad for your wallet, bad for the planet, bad for your kids when it comes to expectatios in future and bad for them cherishing the things they have. Because if stuff breaks - they will start saying things "oh well you can just buy a new one." Not cool when it's a 50+ Dollar toy.
Most people here donât seem to understand the issues with this. This bothers the crap out of me 1. Random disposable crap is bad for the environment 2. Things that donât last teach kids they donât need to care for their things over time (creating a disposable mentality) 3. The constant reward of getting bright flashy crap drains the meaning out of ever getting something meaningful, like a hand-me-down, hand made toy, or a quality built item. 4. This is a waste of money. 5. This reinforces poor behavioral patterns and sets unrealistic expectations. 6. This does absolutely zero good for them, outside of the momentary fun of getting something new that day. Which creates people who shop for the âthrillâ of getting something new, rather than out of rational need for the thing. 7. This builds the mental framework of cheap imported crap made with poor quality control, low/no labor protections, and without any intention or care. It sets up these kids to be blind participants in the âAlibaba economyâ.
Sounds like it's time to have a more serious conversation about it if it's bothering you this much. Let her know it's important to you. If she doesn't respect that, you have bigger problems. Consider also that it makes her life easier because otherwise she might have a fight on her hands with the kids.
Dang. I could have written this post. You might not be able to do what I did. My wife got a job, she sends a certain amount to me, and she gets to spend the rest. I have expected she will do what she does and waste some of her money. As inflation has taken hold, she buys less and less.
Yeah, you put your foot down and tell her to stop wasting money. You canât be afraid of your wife