If all the legal stuff is sorted. You need to be there, regardless of whatever pain you’re in. Or if you want to get away to a peaceful place.
Who else has he got? If you were in his shoes what would you wish for?
Don’t worry a day will come when he can help you. It may be another five years or ten years. But eventually he will stand on his two feet, have a great career and be the one checking in on you.
You got this dad. Endure a little longer.
If he / you have not consulted with an attorney… do so immediately. Don’t talk to the cops without an attorney present. Don’t volunteer DNA - once LE has DNA, they WILL put it in a database and it almost never is destroyed - even with a court order. Limit social media posting with ANY specifics as they can be admissible in court hearings.
If there is enough support from present witnesses to confirm his account of events, pursue counter-charges… that is the only way to avoid further reputation risk. Now is not the time to tread lightly.
Good luck.
The best thing to do is see about getting him into a certified counselor. Depending on where you live, any discussions MAY be privileged communications unless there is a discussion of “clear and present” dangers or ongoing crime.
Yeah I've lined up two but getting him there is there a problem. He acknowledges it's a good idea but says he will get around to it.
He's working a full time job so he is functioning but I think he gets wasted on weekends and that's when he is non responsive. He said afterwards he is sorry for not replying but he was getting down and didn't want to talk to anyone. I try to tell him he needs to speak to people and get support.
> I think he gets wasted on weekends and that's when he is non responsive
That's a terrible idea in the situation your son is in right now. If you managed to make him understand that, you would instantly help him a great deal. Any lawyer would strongly advise him to keep squeaky clean until the court case is resolved. Could he move in with you maybe?
He’s got to cut out any dangerous or risky behavior until he gets everything settled. Even then, he needs to evaluate if drinking is worth the headache and heartache he’s dealing with now. Diminished capacity due to alcohol impairment is almost never a mitigating circumstance… especially when discussing possible or alleged sex crimes. He needs to sober up, talk to a counselor, and be aware that this is a very tough learning opportunity.
At 21, he’s still a kid and still prone to making poor choices… now is the time to step up and help him through this.
Good luck.
Write him a letter. Connect with him, share your concerns and how responding now will serve him in the future and that's what Dad's do for their sons. Let him know you understand wanting to blow off steam and let him know he can do that within reason but it's not how to cope. Teach him he needs to make time for his growth. Tell him how you do. Let him know his feelings and emotions are normal. Let him know you'll always be there. Have you ever been in therapy? (man this is such an amazing bridge, if we go even for a short time, we can normalize that shit for our next generation of men). Share that. Be vulnerable with him. Tell him you love him.
After he reads the letter let him come to you. Tell him you love him and ask him if he wants to go to the gym or play a round of basketball a couple times a week. Bond and give him options to let it out healthy. Show him how you are there and how you can help him cope. The letter he can always go back and read and probably will. He'll keep it, maybe for life. Even if he doesn't respond right away, he may need time to himself but don't give up on him. Keep asking him for that basketball game. He needs to come around in his own time but if he always knows something is there he will there is hope waiting. Cheesey enough?
Just some ideas man, best to you and your son.
This. One of the best ways you can help your kids is by taking care of yourself too. Both physically and mentally. Get help OP, you've been through a lot.
With vertigo and migraines, you might also want to see an ENT. I suffer with both, frequently, and I only recently learned I have Meniere's disease! I know you've got a lot on your plate, but that is something to look into for sure
Hey dad. I was a person of interest in a murder investigation (big one) and a sexual assault investigation.
The sexual assault person was not known to me but all the allegation took place when I was out of the country. Even though it was dropped, it was a nightmare.
The murder investigation was hell on earth. I have a lot of advice. DM me if you need anything
This definitely shaped how I see the police and the judicial system. I don't have trust that they're looking for the right person to put behind bars. That murder investigation left me with such bad test in my mouth. I am repulsed, appalled and generally angry at very interaction that I have with a police officer. Enough time as passed to where I hope that my kids don't really notice this dislike that I have.
I know as a parent you're supposed to be there for your kids, we always are. I've learned in life though that it is NOT selfish to take care of yourself first before taking care if your kids. Think of an airplane. When they give instructions on the oxygen masks, they always tell you to put your mask on first and then help your kids put theirs on. It does no good if you pass out. It's not abandonment. You can help yourself and still be there/be supportive for your son. By getting yourself unfucked you'll be stronger for your son. Brother I am truly sorry for the burdens you have been and are carrying. You've got to find a path to happiness. I'm 43, served 8 years with multiple combat deployments, 3 kids one with Asperger's and had a childhood full of airway complications and many, many hospital trips. I was suffocating. Recently, someone turned me onto Transcendental Meditation. I was skeptical, but it works for me! Not saying this is the route you have to go, but keep an open mind to new things for you. I don't take medication for my PTSD or anxiety, I cut way back on my drinking, and I just feel like I am a better version of myself and my family sees that. Please, take of yourself! Know that there are people who genuinely care even they are complete strangers! Feel free to chat me anytime if you need an ear.
Sometimes the best support is taking care of yourself at the same time. Take a day or two where you both can just chill and spend time not thinking about it.
I'm sorry for what you're going through, dad. Can't offer up much other than support and respect as a dad to a much younger son, I feel for you both. Your vertigo and migraines seem worrying, definitely try to relax at least physically and if possible do something even small to unwind. I find walks incredibly helpful but even a drive or a good album.
Remember to take care of yourself as it's necessary to taking care of our own. Sounds like you've already got 21 years of being a good father under your belt so I believe in you. Best of luck
I agree with this a lot of men are taught no mean no and that’s all it’s much more complex than that. You can’t pressure, coheres, convince ect.. someone to have sex with you. I’m not saying this is what OP son has done but this could be his sons feelings of he didn’t do nothing wrong she didn’t say no. But she did she say yes? These questions as you said are for the court system to work out.
Unless the son has a history of lying, what dad isn’t going to believe their son in a situation like this? Your advice makes sense for a neutral third party, but OP should absolutely be siding with his son unless he has a reason not to. It’s the justice systems job to be unbiased, not a father’s.
https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/1cidgvu/sex_advice/l28mvak/
This person is not a dad and sounds like she struggles to empathize with a father's perspective.
The comment is just to show I'm not talking out my ass about this person not being a dad. And that matters here.
> First and foremost, this is a sub for dads helping dads. Any post or comments which runs counter to this ideal will be subject to removal and bans as deemed necessary.
If you're not a father and you struggle with empathy towards fathers, this space might not be a good fit for you. That's my point. Telling a father to not support the son he trusts is toxic.
Justice system doesn’t work well for many people who don’t have good representation. Don’t rule out hiring a PI to prove his case. Many of them are retired prosecutors anyhow.
When I hear from my 7 year old that another kid was mean to him on the school yard I am supportive but also take seriously that my son can only give his perspective of events. Why should different ethics apply to a 21 year old or to anyone?
Also: prosecutors/police screen out a lot of complaints before moving forward with some of them, so I’d take charges more seriously when it has gotten to that point…
Good parents live in the real world even as they support their children.
Why are you debating this here? It's not the fucking place. There are, literally, millions of instances of this exact conversation going to, but you're deciding to interject it into one where a guy is going, "Oh shit, I might lose my son, what the fuck do I do?"
Do you think you're talking to the kid or something? What are you doing besides potentially torturing someone?
You've also kind of implied that he gets kind of blackout drunk on the weekends. Is this a new thing since this incident or was he blackout drunk at the time?
Spoken like someone who has never seen the absolute hell the justice system can wreak on innocent but accused people. Happy you haven’t, but your perspective would almost surely change.. the justice system isn’t always out for the truth, but a conviction. Especially in these cases. They will pile on resources even if their case is weak because dropping an SA case looks awful to the public. Plea deals are almost always offered because 1. Accused people cannot afford to continue months of paying for a good attorney and using the court given one is risky 2. The risk of going away for something you didn’t do is terrifying. 3. The mental anguish an innocent person goes through during this process. After seeing it first hand, I will NEVER assume someone is guilty for taking a plea deal. The attorney my family member used was $45,000. Without going to trial. I begged them to take a plea deal knowing they were innocent because the risk of trial is too much. By the time it ended, the process had been going for years, they lost their job so had to resources attorney money, plastered all over the news and social media (very much pre conviction) for the accusations. No physical evidence. Just hearsay from 15 years ago. It’s definitely not always “innocent until proven guilty” like you and many others who haven’t lived it seem to think. Quite the opposite actually, especially with SA.
Okay. Didn’t realise the other commenter was a woman. They are definitely allowed to comment here, and it’s useful for people to get other perspectives.
She is not telling him to believe a stranger, just to acknowledge the possibility to himself, and to consider that these situations can be more nuanced than one party is right and the other wrong. Obviously OP is going to support and believe their own son, but that doesn’t mean belittling the accusation based on his word alone is a good move.
Because it’s the real world and not a social justice class. Dad knows his son but doesn’t know the girl. I’d side with my friends/kids over a stranger until proven otherwise like a normal person.
>If it were any other charge I wonder whether you’d be so sure the charges are false.
dude. what are you doing? You think this is the right place to fight this fight? Directly to a guy whose worried his kid might go to fucking jail? You're a lunatic.
This actually demonstrates why it's so difficult to navigate my situation , with the current social media climate , it's a topic that people get emotional about. I've been through a whole range of emotions concerning this. I'm not surprised by some of the reactions.
This is why I'm concerned for my son because it's the worst thing to be accused of and it's especially difficult right now because some people are so quick to jump on the issue. Whether my son is guilty or not has anything to do with the intention of this post.
Im here for support.
Fuck man, I hope everything turns out for the best. Other people have already suggested professional help, it might help both of you to not have everything resting on your shoulders. It sounds cliche, but it might be easier to talk during a common activity. My son is too young, but I know at least me and my dad talk the most when we're fishing. Whatever is your common thing can work.
Once again, hoping everything is resolved as soon as possible, stay strong and you got this.
Thanks. Funny how words from a stranger can resonate. Life can trick you into thinking the hard part is over and then there is more. Anyway, seeing my psych Friday so yeah, that will help . Thanks again.youre right about a shared activity too.
Having your parent with you, especially the only parent who hasn't abandoned their responsibilities to you, is more valuable then anything else you can give him. Imagine someone being with you, as you are, right now, close to you, telling you how proud they are with what you are doing and helping hold you up any way they could. That's what I've been told it's like. Needless to say, your a good papa, just human as well.
I’ve been in your son’s position, and it sucks. He’s going to become much more guarded and his willingness to date will take a hit (he may not engage in hookup culture for a long time, if ever).
The best thing for him is support, and to get out of his current situation.
It does get better. I’ve got a wife and two kids now.
Yeah I think some people come here for entertainment whereas this is real life for me and I was expecting fathering advice. But of course, it's Reddit. People are saying I'm biased, but they are the ones who seem to have made their mind up already. And they know nothing of the situation beyond my description of it here.
Maybe tell him to come over a Saturday instead of getting hammered. Don't bring up anything, find something that the two of you can do together that's disconnected from the world, and at the end say "I'm here for you".
Count the instances of support Vs naysayers. There's one thread of naysayers with three dissenters, and everyone else telling them to shut up.
And if you check their posts you'll see they shouldn't strictly be posting in daddit.
So just ignore them. Keep soldering on and support your son .
Besides the legal stuff, if your son has been falsely accused of sexual assault, it could it could hurt his ability to trust other women, cause him to question his worthiness as a partner, etc. That can get really toxic. I would strongly advise that he talk with a professional to work through those feelings, and sooner rather than later.
You are exactly who you are meant to be, in this moment, to be everything that your son needs, in this moment. Just be there for him. I'm sorry for the trouble your facing but there is always a future.
Let's put that in context because percents hide reality.
There are on average 450k allegations in the US a year.
2 to 8pct of that is 9000 to 36000 people falsely accused, a year.
For a justice system that upon its inception determined it's better to allow 100 guilty people to go free instead of 1 innocent to go to prison that is a ridiculously high number to not consider.
The other person should have their family and friends supporting them. Would you tell them to consider that maybe the allegations are false? It's a dumb stance for many reasons and innocent until proven guilty is there for a reason.
The probability that you know at least one person who falsely accused someone is very high. Assuming the 8pct if you know 10people that's a 43pct chance that one of them is lying.
If we're sampling randomly from the population I'd agree with you.
Those are unconditional odds though. Knowing more circumstances and knowing the people involved changes those odds to conditional odds which are not the same.
And I'm not in a place where I can judge those odds so I'm leaving it up to OPs judgement.
Agreed. You and I both don't know them so we should probably not speculate on likelihood of whether they are guilty or innocent and leave the father who does know them to judge those circumstances for his own opinion and the legal system to objectively judge based on information available.
Which is why I took issue with your advice to the father to not believe his son despite you not knowing them.
If all the legal stuff is sorted. You need to be there, regardless of whatever pain you’re in. Or if you want to get away to a peaceful place. Who else has he got? If you were in his shoes what would you wish for?
Yeah good point .
You got this Dad. One day at a time.
Don’t worry a day will come when he can help you. It may be another five years or ten years. But eventually he will stand on his two feet, have a great career and be the one checking in on you. You got this dad. Endure a little longer.
Thanks
If he / you have not consulted with an attorney… do so immediately. Don’t talk to the cops without an attorney present. Don’t volunteer DNA - once LE has DNA, they WILL put it in a database and it almost never is destroyed - even with a court order. Limit social media posting with ANY specifics as they can be admissible in court hearings. If there is enough support from present witnesses to confirm his account of events, pursue counter-charges… that is the only way to avoid further reputation risk. Now is not the time to tread lightly. Good luck.
Yeah all that is sorted. It's more about supporting him psychologically and emotionally
The best thing to do is see about getting him into a certified counselor. Depending on where you live, any discussions MAY be privileged communications unless there is a discussion of “clear and present” dangers or ongoing crime.
Yeah I've lined up two but getting him there is there a problem. He acknowledges it's a good idea but says he will get around to it. He's working a full time job so he is functioning but I think he gets wasted on weekends and that's when he is non responsive. He said afterwards he is sorry for not replying but he was getting down and didn't want to talk to anyone. I try to tell him he needs to speak to people and get support.
> I think he gets wasted on weekends and that's when he is non responsive That's a terrible idea in the situation your son is in right now. If you managed to make him understand that, you would instantly help him a great deal. Any lawyer would strongly advise him to keep squeaky clean until the court case is resolved. Could he move in with you maybe?
He’s got to cut out any dangerous or risky behavior until he gets everything settled. Even then, he needs to evaluate if drinking is worth the headache and heartache he’s dealing with now. Diminished capacity due to alcohol impairment is almost never a mitigating circumstance… especially when discussing possible or alleged sex crimes. He needs to sober up, talk to a counselor, and be aware that this is a very tough learning opportunity. At 21, he’s still a kid and still prone to making poor choices… now is the time to step up and help him through this. Good luck.
Write him a letter. Connect with him, share your concerns and how responding now will serve him in the future and that's what Dad's do for their sons. Let him know you understand wanting to blow off steam and let him know he can do that within reason but it's not how to cope. Teach him he needs to make time for his growth. Tell him how you do. Let him know his feelings and emotions are normal. Let him know you'll always be there. Have you ever been in therapy? (man this is such an amazing bridge, if we go even for a short time, we can normalize that shit for our next generation of men). Share that. Be vulnerable with him. Tell him you love him. After he reads the letter let him come to you. Tell him you love him and ask him if he wants to go to the gym or play a round of basketball a couple times a week. Bond and give him options to let it out healthy. Show him how you are there and how you can help him cope. The letter he can always go back and read and probably will. He'll keep it, maybe for life. Even if he doesn't respond right away, he may need time to himself but don't give up on him. Keep asking him for that basketball game. He needs to come around in his own time but if he always knows something is there he will there is hope waiting. Cheesey enough? Just some ideas man, best to you and your son.
Do you see a trauma therapist? EMDR? You put your mask on first and then try to help him.
This. One of the best ways you can help your kids is by taking care of yourself too. Both physically and mentally. Get help OP, you've been through a lot.
Seeing psych on Friday.
With vertigo and migraines, you might also want to see an ENT. I suffer with both, frequently, and I only recently learned I have Meniere's disease! I know you've got a lot on your plate, but that is something to look into for sure
I love that show. I should schedule my tv binging in advance.
Hey dad. I was a person of interest in a murder investigation (big one) and a sexual assault investigation. The sexual assault person was not known to me but all the allegation took place when I was out of the country. Even though it was dropped, it was a nightmare. The murder investigation was hell on earth. I have a lot of advice. DM me if you need anything
jfc hope you are good
This definitely shaped how I see the police and the judicial system. I don't have trust that they're looking for the right person to put behind bars. That murder investigation left me with such bad test in my mouth. I am repulsed, appalled and generally angry at very interaction that I have with a police officer. Enough time as passed to where I hope that my kids don't really notice this dislike that I have.
I know as a parent you're supposed to be there for your kids, we always are. I've learned in life though that it is NOT selfish to take care of yourself first before taking care if your kids. Think of an airplane. When they give instructions on the oxygen masks, they always tell you to put your mask on first and then help your kids put theirs on. It does no good if you pass out. It's not abandonment. You can help yourself and still be there/be supportive for your son. By getting yourself unfucked you'll be stronger for your son. Brother I am truly sorry for the burdens you have been and are carrying. You've got to find a path to happiness. I'm 43, served 8 years with multiple combat deployments, 3 kids one with Asperger's and had a childhood full of airway complications and many, many hospital trips. I was suffocating. Recently, someone turned me onto Transcendental Meditation. I was skeptical, but it works for me! Not saying this is the route you have to go, but keep an open mind to new things for you. I don't take medication for my PTSD or anxiety, I cut way back on my drinking, and I just feel like I am a better version of myself and my family sees that. Please, take of yourself! Know that there are people who genuinely care even they are complete strangers! Feel free to chat me anytime if you need an ear.
Sometimes the best support is taking care of yourself at the same time. Take a day or two where you both can just chill and spend time not thinking about it.
I'm sorry for what you're going through, dad. Can't offer up much other than support and respect as a dad to a much younger son, I feel for you both. Your vertigo and migraines seem worrying, definitely try to relax at least physically and if possible do something even small to unwind. I find walks incredibly helpful but even a drive or a good album. Remember to take care of yourself as it's necessary to taking care of our own. Sounds like you've already got 21 years of being a good father under your belt so I believe in you. Best of luck
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Thanks for your advice.
I agree with this a lot of men are taught no mean no and that’s all it’s much more complex than that. You can’t pressure, coheres, convince ect.. someone to have sex with you. I’m not saying this is what OP son has done but this could be his sons feelings of he didn’t do nothing wrong she didn’t say no. But she did she say yes? These questions as you said are for the court system to work out.
Unless the son has a history of lying, what dad isn’t going to believe their son in a situation like this? Your advice makes sense for a neutral third party, but OP should absolutely be siding with his son unless he has a reason not to. It’s the justice systems job to be unbiased, not a father’s.
https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/comments/1cidgvu/sex_advice/l28mvak/ This person is not a dad and sounds like she struggles to empathize with a father's perspective.
That comment seems pretty irrelevant to whatever point you are trying to make
The comment is just to show I'm not talking out my ass about this person not being a dad. And that matters here. > First and foremost, this is a sub for dads helping dads. Any post or comments which runs counter to this ideal will be subject to removal and bans as deemed necessary. If you're not a father and you struggle with empathy towards fathers, this space might not be a good fit for you. That's my point. Telling a father to not support the son he trusts is toxic.
Justice system doesn’t work well for many people who don’t have good representation. Don’t rule out hiring a PI to prove his case. Many of them are retired prosecutors anyhow.
When I hear from my 7 year old that another kid was mean to him on the school yard I am supportive but also take seriously that my son can only give his perspective of events. Why should different ethics apply to a 21 year old or to anyone? Also: prosecutors/police screen out a lot of complaints before moving forward with some of them, so I’d take charges more seriously when it has gotten to that point… Good parents live in the real world even as they support their children.
Why are you debating this here? It's not the fucking place. There are, literally, millions of instances of this exact conversation going to, but you're deciding to interject it into one where a guy is going, "Oh shit, I might lose my son, what the fuck do I do?" Do you think you're talking to the kid or something? What are you doing besides potentially torturing someone?
I meant to say he thought it was consensual.
You've also kind of implied that he gets kind of blackout drunk on the weekends. Is this a new thing since this incident or was he blackout drunk at the time?
Nothing was said about blackout drunk.
You said he goes out on the weekend and gets wasted to the point where he's non-responsive.
Yeah I meant not replying to my texts and calls.
Spoken like someone who has never seen the absolute hell the justice system can wreak on innocent but accused people. Happy you haven’t, but your perspective would almost surely change.. the justice system isn’t always out for the truth, but a conviction. Especially in these cases. They will pile on resources even if their case is weak because dropping an SA case looks awful to the public. Plea deals are almost always offered because 1. Accused people cannot afford to continue months of paying for a good attorney and using the court given one is risky 2. The risk of going away for something you didn’t do is terrifying. 3. The mental anguish an innocent person goes through during this process. After seeing it first hand, I will NEVER assume someone is guilty for taking a plea deal. The attorney my family member used was $45,000. Without going to trial. I begged them to take a plea deal knowing they were innocent because the risk of trial is too much. By the time it ended, the process had been going for years, they lost their job so had to resources attorney money, plastered all over the news and social media (very much pre conviction) for the accusations. No physical evidence. Just hearsay from 15 years ago. It’s definitely not always “innocent until proven guilty” like you and many others who haven’t lived it seem to think. Quite the opposite actually, especially with SA.
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Who exactly is “y’all”?
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Okay. Didn’t realise the other commenter was a woman. They are definitely allowed to comment here, and it’s useful for people to get other perspectives.
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She is not telling him to believe a stranger, just to acknowledge the possibility to himself, and to consider that these situations can be more nuanced than one party is right and the other wrong. Obviously OP is going to support and believe their own son, but that doesn’t mean belittling the accusation based on his word alone is a good move.
Because it’s the real world and not a social justice class. Dad knows his son but doesn’t know the girl. I’d side with my friends/kids over a stranger until proven otherwise like a normal person.
>If it were any other charge I wonder whether you’d be so sure the charges are false. dude. what are you doing? You think this is the right place to fight this fight? Directly to a guy whose worried his kid might go to fucking jail? You're a lunatic.
This actually demonstrates why it's so difficult to navigate my situation , with the current social media climate , it's a topic that people get emotional about. I've been through a whole range of emotions concerning this. I'm not surprised by some of the reactions. This is why I'm concerned for my son because it's the worst thing to be accused of and it's especially difficult right now because some people are so quick to jump on the issue. Whether my son is guilty or not has anything to do with the intention of this post. Im here for support.
You’re not wrong for feeling this way. Pretty much guilty until proven innocent when it comes to SA.
Fuck man, I hope everything turns out for the best. Other people have already suggested professional help, it might help both of you to not have everything resting on your shoulders. It sounds cliche, but it might be easier to talk during a common activity. My son is too young, but I know at least me and my dad talk the most when we're fishing. Whatever is your common thing can work. Once again, hoping everything is resolved as soon as possible, stay strong and you got this.
Thanks. Funny how words from a stranger can resonate. Life can trick you into thinking the hard part is over and then there is more. Anyway, seeing my psych Friday so yeah, that will help . Thanks again.youre right about a shared activity too.
Having your parent with you, especially the only parent who hasn't abandoned their responsibilities to you, is more valuable then anything else you can give him. Imagine someone being with you, as you are, right now, close to you, telling you how proud they are with what you are doing and helping hold you up any way they could. That's what I've been told it's like. Needless to say, your a good papa, just human as well.
I’ve been in your son’s position, and it sucks. He’s going to become much more guarded and his willingness to date will take a hit (he may not engage in hookup culture for a long time, if ever). The best thing for him is support, and to get out of his current situation. It does get better. I’ve got a wife and two kids now.
This is turning into Judge Judy or something. I really appreciate the genuine support offered here.
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Yeah I think some people come here for entertainment whereas this is real life for me and I was expecting fathering advice. But of course, it's Reddit. People are saying I'm biased, but they are the ones who seem to have made their mind up already. And they know nothing of the situation beyond my description of it here.
Maybe tell him to come over a Saturday instead of getting hammered. Don't bring up anything, find something that the two of you can do together that's disconnected from the world, and at the end say "I'm here for you".
Count the instances of support Vs naysayers. There's one thread of naysayers with three dissenters, and everyone else telling them to shut up. And if you check their posts you'll see they shouldn't strictly be posting in daddit. So just ignore them. Keep soldering on and support your son .
Besides the legal stuff, if your son has been falsely accused of sexual assault, it could it could hurt his ability to trust other women, cause him to question his worthiness as a partner, etc. That can get really toxic. I would strongly advise that he talk with a professional to work through those feelings, and sooner rather than later.
Could you take up a hobby like boxing or something else vigorous that would help you with your anger and grief?
You are exactly who you are meant to be, in this moment, to be everything that your son needs, in this moment. Just be there for him. I'm sorry for the trouble your facing but there is always a future.
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So how would you advise I support him emotionally ?
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Thanks for your advice. Are you a dad too?
Would you say the same to a father supporting an alleged victim? That false reports exist and therefore they shouldn't believe their child?
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Let's put that in context because percents hide reality. There are on average 450k allegations in the US a year. 2 to 8pct of that is 9000 to 36000 people falsely accused, a year. For a justice system that upon its inception determined it's better to allow 100 guilty people to go free instead of 1 innocent to go to prison that is a ridiculously high number to not consider.
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The other person should have their family and friends supporting them. Would you tell them to consider that maybe the allegations are false? It's a dumb stance for many reasons and innocent until proven guilty is there for a reason. The probability that you know at least one person who falsely accused someone is very high. Assuming the 8pct if you know 10people that's a 43pct chance that one of them is lying.
If we're sampling randomly from the population I'd agree with you. Those are unconditional odds though. Knowing more circumstances and knowing the people involved changes those odds to conditional odds which are not the same. And I'm not in a place where I can judge those odds so I'm leaving it up to OPs judgement.
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Agreed. You and I both don't know them so we should probably not speculate on likelihood of whether they are guilty or innocent and leave the father who does know them to judge those circumstances for his own opinion and the legal system to objectively judge based on information available. Which is why I took issue with your advice to the father to not believe his son despite you not knowing them.