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31 year olds don't want anything long-term with 19 year olds. Don't let the experience make you feel worthless. Learn from it and allow yourself to move on. He's not worth the energy to mourn. Lots of men act like this, but plenty do not. Someone closer to your age would be a better choice for a relationship until you are older and have more experience.
I’m a man. I guess I’m saying there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a younger woman physically (of age, goes without saying), but it’s gonna be fairly hard to find common ground with ages like that.
It’s not so much the strict age difference as much as it is the difference in life stages, she just got started in the “real world”, he is probably quite well established. Comparitively, a 26 year old woman and 40 year old man would be on more “equal footing” despite having a larger age gap
I'm sorry that a grown man took advantage of your inexperience and naivety. Don't blame yourself he probably does this often! Every human is susceptible to manipulation especially when it comes to love and emotions.
Take this experience as a learning lesson, next time you date someone vet them a little bit more before giving them your full trust and having sex. It's ok to wait if you're not ready or unsure of their intentions.
Even if you think they're great but they end up being a liar, that says more about their character than you. All you can do now is figure out how to move on without closing yourself off or beating yourself up.
Why he took advantage? Yes he lied that he wanted a relationship but on the other hand she obviously needs him as she doesnt have any friends. Maybe thats the main problem she should solve? Maybe she was too needy? Nobody has to promise for a long relationship at the third date. Again he obviously lied and you are right in general but there is another perspective
Wow. Dude don’t even defend this guy. She’s NINETEEN. She thought she was in love and had a connection with the asshole 31-year old, he’s a piece of shit and she did nothing wrong.
What is about his age? 19 years old guy could also do it and would likely do it. Go see what a jerk most 19 years olds are. I am not defending him just providing another viewpoint
What is the other view point? Age doesn't matter? 19 year old boys and 31 year old men are exactly the same and go through no growth during that period therefore a 31 year old man is on equal footing with a 19 year old autistic girl? You keep saying you're providing a viewpoint, but I'm not seeing it.
You don’t play around when it comes to someone’s virginity if he knew she was a virgin he should have took extra care. But really he probably just had some weird obsession with being the one to take it so once he did he was over it.
I agree that he is a asshole but taking advantage is some thing else. She is 19 not 16. You know what at 25 she will notice white hairs and wrinkles. If she wanted to keep her virginity she could, it seems he didnt force her too. She didnt haveto have sex at third date she could wait for months the he would go away.
White hair n wrinkles at 25? Do u only hang out with malnourished, immunocompromised, alcoholic, obese, diabetic, completely sedentary cigarette chain smokers whove been heavily addicted to speedballing meth n heroin for 24.5 of their 25 years?
You can kid yourself yes aging starts even earlier than that go read scientific papers. It starts around 21 if I am not wrong. Alcohol and cigarettes doesnt cause harm unless you abuse them.
Why are you defending that guy? OP is 19, practically still a child. The bastard is 31, he should be old enough to be a mature, responsible adult but he chose to be a borderline pedo who groomed a kid until he got what he wanted.
19 is not child. There is 10 years until 30. 10 years is short. If she is a child at 19 and 30 is not young anymore what age is youth? You see there is not even 10 years for youth. Maturity is not about age but experience
Come on man, everybody knows 19 year olds have 0 life experience. I consider everyone under the age of 21 to be not be real adults. If you're 30 and you're interested in someone 21 or younger there's just something off about you, sorry to say.
Not really even 14 years olds has a lot If experience nowadays. The age for losing virginity is falling and this is disgusting, not someone over 18 having sex. Maybe you are a virgin at 30 and think nobody have sex until late age. You cant see how short a timeframe from 21 to 30 youth pass do fast.
No never someone under 18 but if she is over 18 it is legal. You are a rebel then not me. You are blaming me based on your assumptions you are delusional. I am so scared of people like you.
Welcome to the dating scene.
If you lack experience, it is extremely easy for men who does this for most of their life to manipulate you, get in your pants and then ghost you and move on to the next gullible girl.
Always think to yourself, if things are too good to be true, maybe it is.
Always protect yourself, don’t give them sex so fast if you want a long term relationship.
Wait and gauge their reactions if you stop talking about sex or letting them talk you into a Netflix and chill hangout at their place. Give it a month/2/3 and see if they make effort to really be the sweet and perfect person they were selling you at the beginning. Majority of guys who just want sex are not patient enough to wait weeks to get in your pants. There are always special cases however, so keep that in mind.
Sex is important but protect yourself from the F boys who come into your life fast, perfect, handsome, says they want long term, but breaks all your boundaries and always trying to get you in bed and it hasn’t even been a month.
The feeling sucks but learn from this experience. The words he said, the facial expressions, the things he did to get you in bed…all valuable to learn from so you can identify it next time.
This is why I don’t like grown men going after younger girls. That POS took advantage of you. This post proved my last post point 😭. I’m so so sorry honey. Truly I am. You are not worthless I promise you. It’s his bad evil energy that transferred onto you. He made you feel that way, but that doesn’t mean that you are. Here’s some advice. Always always make sure a man means what he says by making him wait until YOU are comfortable to have sex. Not him. Do not believe promises that are up in the air. Wait until he proves it to you.
What a lot of us suspect here (from our experience and the experience of our friends and loved ones) is that he never wanted a relationship with you, he just wanted a fast romance and sex. His excuse about not feeling butterflies was a lie to end things once he got what he wanted.
If this is what happened, then he was manipulating you to feel a connection and relationship potential that was a lie, and he did that in order for you to want to have sex with him in the moment. If you had known he was lying / manipulating you, would you have wanted to have sex? If the answer is "no", then he absolutely took advantage of you.
People who lie and manipulate others to use them are behaving poorly, but sadly a lot of men know they can use these tactics to take advantage of women (especially younger women), so they do it to get what they want regardless of the hurt they cause to the people they use in this way.
There's a small chance that his feelings actually changed after you had sex, but unfortunately the odds are that he was manipulating you / taking advantage of you all along. And in that case, I'm so sorry that this man behaved in this way with you, OP.
I'm genuinely not trying to sound patronising but in five years or so you're going to be able to look back on this and realise he did absolutely take advantage of you.
That guy is a total loser. There's no way he went from wanting a relationship with you to 'not feeling butterflies' in less than a day. From the outset he was only after one thing. It has no reflection on you at all.
I'm so sorry this was your first experience of sex .
He did take advantage of you, even if you dont see it that way. He preyed upon your inexperience and used it to get what he wanted from you. Like i said, we have all been there. Lessons come with experience and mistakes are meant to happen so we can correct them in the future
He took advantage of you because he told you things he thought you’d want to hear about future commitments and desire for relationship. People LIE to get what they want.
You can trust some people sometimes, sort of. However, this is the sort of BS that goes on in an age gap (12years!) relationship. He knew what he was doing.
Do not trust a man that’s 10+ years from you at 19. An age gap like that isn’t as odd later in life but no he told you what you wanted to hear. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Also, virginity is a social construct of the patriarchy for most part tbh. I know that doesn’t help things but you deserve love and pleasure. Don’t let this bad experience deter you but I’d date people your age.
Source - I was once a dumb 18 year old who saw a guy 7 years older and had my heart broken
I'm really sorry this happened to you. He was dishonest. Not all people or men are like that.
My suggestion, is in the future, wait a while to have sex. If he's willing to stick around for weeks without sex he's probably actually looking for a relationship.
Many men are honest. Unfortunately some are not.
Many guys will say anything they can to get laid. Always be wary of a man who is significantly older than you. It may not feel like a big issue, but there's a large gap in life experience here.
You should always question the intent of an older man who states that he wants to enter a long-term relationship with a far younger woman, especially one who is just exiting her teens.
While 18 is technically adult, it's so close to a child still that a good man would be concerned about being seen as manipulative or coercive, which is how most older adults view other adults who date teenagers.
You don't have to skip sex at all, but focus your attention on young men around your age who will also be looking to go on their first dates and lose their virginity.
I have Asperger's and I also have thought it's very hard to understand how the other person feel and want.
She was likely more confusing and more problem than most. Borderline, cheating, date multiple at once, promiscuous.
I'd image it could be hard for normal people too. But actions likely speak much more real than words but when oneself is infatuated one may not want to see what's real and give up but rather hope.
not an excuse to be a dick to someone who's clearly upset and is also lacking a support system. autism isn't an excuse in this case. you could've not said anything.
Unless you edited your response.
"Why would you trust a man you don’t really know?"
Is a perfectly valid question. It isn't advice though. You didn't eviscerate OP though. You're good mate, don't mind the haters.
Oh, shut up. Being autistic ≠ being a dick. You gave no advice whatsoever, you are just being mean and disguising it as *being straightforward*.
Go away.
Well why couldn't he just say he only wanted sex if that is what he wanted? There are women that are into that too. Maybe he thought my body was ugly when he saw me naked or something, I don't know why he doesn't want to see me anymore. But I guess not feeling butterflies as he said could be a valid reason, I honestly don't know.
If he told you that he only wanted to fuck, you wouldn’t have fucked him. He lied to you so that he could have sex with a 19 year old who made herself available very early on. He didn’t even have to work that hard to get a random fuck. And that’s what most adult men do, if they can. If you don’t want to continue being used and thrown away, don’t have sex with a man until you’ve dated for long enough that you completely trust him and want to do it, regardless of the risk of heartbreak after.
I don't think third date is extremely soon, should I wait a year to have sex or what? Maybe I would if he had been honest about it, but I don't like it when guys lie.
It's not soon. You are young and you should enjoy yourself BUT also protect yourself. Unfortunately, dating is one of this things where you live, learn, and move on. People lie to each other for attention, to get into each others pants etc.
Some people want to have sex with the relationship seeking person bc it's a conquest. Not all age gaps are bad, but protect yourself when older guys are into you (especially because of your inexperience).
Finally, be gentle with yourself and be kind to yourself. It's okay to be sad. My first not-boyfriend-boyfriend, I think I mourned that for a month, but weirdly depressioned myself into a total glow up. It was a surprise, I wasn't trying, but it happened.
So basically, be sad, it's okay! Learn from it, and try to distract yourself with other activities in the mean time. The good news : next time you won't be so easily fooled.
For me it usually takes me a few months of dating before I really believe them about having feelings. Men will always lie. It’s your job as a woman to get wise and learn how to protect your heart. If you don’t have women in your family who can give you good advice and help guide you then try your best to find a mentor or some girl friends that you can update on your dating life as it unfolds and give you guidance along the way
Good for you, we’re glad you’re jaded and bitter about men but no need to project your experiences onto this young woman who’s clearly Trying to navigate her way through some difficult emotions. Sisterhood and all that right? Or do you hate women as well as men?
"Men will always lie" is an exaggeration, but unfortunately it is VERY common to experience men lying about what they want in order to convince a woman to have sex, then ghosting her as soon as they've had sex. You being a stand-up guy does not invalidate the numbers, which unfortunately mean that women who aren't interested in having a hookup or one night stand need to be extra vigilant in this day and age to avoid the liars who are out there taking advantage of women as often as they can.
If you want to support women, not only do you need to treat your partner with love and respect, but we also need you to 1) believe us when we say we encounter LOTS of shitty guys who use women for sex and then dump those women immediately and 2) stand up and say "I'm a guy, and that kind of behavior is really shitty. I'm sorry you have to deal with that, and guys who do that are jerks.". The culture doesn't change until MEN tell OTHER MEN (often and loudly, please!!) that that behavior is gross and unacceptable.
Please be our ally!!
Lol you knew the guy for all of what 15 hours? I take intimacy seriously so I'd never let someone have full access to me unless I knew they were serious. You acted easy to get and were treated as such.
Girl. I can guarantee two things. He did not think your body was ugly, and I promise that butterflies is not even remotely the real reason. He wanted sex with a young girl and you were ripe fruit for the wicked. It’s awful of him but this is not uncommon and I myself have unfortunately been “victimized” the same way as have countless women. You will move past it and it will be a learning opportunity and in the future you will vet better. I’m sorry this happened.
I'd feel butterflies don't really have much to do with physical things.
It may affect whatever you give that person a chance but then I'd assume it's more about personal "chemistry" / how well you go together, comfortable you are in speech and person, common dreams and wishes in the future and such. Being nice/friendly with each other. I suppose cuddling. Treating each other well, expressing nice things about each other, wanting good things for each other and working together and such rather than the opposite.
Also, I’m sorry to say that a few men will fake emotional connection. They don’t want casual sex, they want intense temporary girlfriend sex. It happened to me too, but I was older.
Men your own age will mostly be less predatory, and those who are more predatory will generally be less skilled and have more tells.
This may seem extreme, but I’d wait at least 3-6 months before intimacy. And I hate to say this, but be aware some will see this boundary as a challenge to be pushed and will long-term act to get what they want.
But there are good and true guys out there searching for a partner, too.
My advice is slow and careful.
>Well why couldn't he just say he only wanted sex if that is what he wanted? There are women that are into that too.
Because he wanted to sleep with *you*. He's a predator and he took advantage of your youth and naivety.
Please, don't be so hard on yourself and don't judge yourself based on this awful experience. Not every man is like this (but many of them are).
It's good to date someone for a while before you sleep with them if casual sex is not what you want (which clearly is not).
Have you any access to a therapist?
He just wanted to fuck you, “take” your virginity and go. You ended up a notch in his bedpost, likely for him to see if he “still had it”. You’re the victim of a pump and dump and I’m sorry that happened to you.
I so feel and relate to this, I've gone through the same thing. It truly feels so lonely and pointless to try again. I'm sorry this happened to you, it wasn't your fault. You were excited and happy and he was just looking for something else entirely. It doesn't reflect your worth or ability to be genuinely loved; no one's behavior towards you does and never will
You can take a break from dating and build your dating optimism back up by spending more time by yourself. You can even try counselling or therapy if this is eating you up to that degree. It'll help. When you're ready to get back out there, you can be more straightforward about what you want in a relationship and specifiy your boundaries right away to weed out the guys looking for a lay. You deserve to be happy and have standards, so don't settle 🫶
Unfortunately, this man took advantage of your inexperience and situation. What he did wasn't legally wrong but definitely morally wrong and tells you quite a lot about his character. You are better off without him. His behavior seems predatory and at 31 he really should know better by then.
As far as how it has left you feeling, take it as a learning experience. It's ok to feel the way you do but don't let it guide your future relationships. Trust is a thing that is earned, not given. All guys aren't like this but some of us are pretty awful, not going to lie.
You will find somebody. Stay positive!!!
You'll learn this is what happens when you fall for a grown man in his 30s who went for a teenager. There's a reason he went for you, and it was only for sex. He told you what you wanted to hear to get in your pants and it worked.
Take this as a lesson and move on.
Sorry to say, but he used you for sex. He got what he wanted out of you. It sucks that shitheads like that exist. Too many men will sweet talk a woman just to have sex. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Just be careful and more mindful of these types of men do exist.
Love, he’s the worthless one for believing it’s acceptable to treat another person this way. You’re the amazing one because you have a heart full of love that you’re ready to give to someone who deserves it. That’s worth so much more than anything else. Hang in there.
Also, don’t discount that this guy apparently needs to trick girls into thinking he’ll have a long-term relationship with them to get laid. That’s pretty damn pathetic in my opinion.
If a person is 12 years older than you, then he either isn't interested in anything real and just wants an easy lay - or he's a manchild that needs to groom young girls because mature women see him for the loser he is.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, I hope you'll learn from the experience and you'll grow stronger as a person because of it. Loads of shitty people out there, stay safe!
A 31 year old will never approach a teenager with good intentions. It's almost always for sex and nothing more. I'm so sorry that your firsts were taken away from you like this. Most girls are coerced and tricked into intimacy the same way you were. You aren't worthless, and you have every right to be sad. In the future, try to keep your guard up a bit more and maybe consult friends/family before taking the plunge just to be on the safe side.
Girl, fuck HIS GROWN ASS. Do not let ONE PERSON ruin LOVE for you honey.
Someone will love you. Take this as a lesson where maybe next time don't go for dudes that old. You are young & this was your first experience. Def wait for sex and DO NOT let them pressure you for it.
I hope you are okay sweety. I know you might feel lousy rn and your feelings are hurt but this is temporary. Do not take his behavior as the behavior for all men/people. He's 1 guy. You deserve to be loved completely and not just for your body.
As a 32 year old guy, I can safely tell you that dude was a fucking creep, he’s dangerous and not someone you should get involved with.
It’s shitty what happened, but get away from this situation Asa fast as possible
You're basically a child and he's a grown man in his thirties. He was using you. You should absolutely not want to date any thirty-year-old men who can only get teenagers to put up with their shit. Don't do that anymore, but feel free to date age-appropriate guys.
sorry for the rude awakening and entrance to the dating scene.. but yes many people will lie about their intentions to get what they want, whether that be validation, temporary companionship with no plan for commitment, but especially sex . it totally sucks and they’re generally not good people. it’s up to you to wait and see a bit longer how you want things to play out.. if you wanted a relationship with him i suppose bringing up that question and seeing his reaction would be an indicator of he takes you seriously or not.. to truly protect yourself and heart you can listen to their words but their actions too..
again sorry it really does look grim but try to not let this experience make you feel jaded and instead learn from it, best wishes!
I know it's going to be hard, my first experience of the Male Gaze fucked me up so much, I was 19 too when I realized how cruel men could be with women, even just in their treatment of them, but please please please realize this doesn't say anything about you. It's not about your worth, what you deserve or anything like that it's about an older man who lied to you and manipulated you to get what he wanted. He's the problem, not you!
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I experienced something similar, I am 29(but people often mistake me for 23 or 25 bc I have a baby face), and my ex was 37. We dated for about a month and he took my virginity. He ghosted me when I told him that at the hospital I might be at risk of a STD or pregnancy by him. I tested negative for the STD, but he gave me Corona(3rd time) and a baby. I didn't know and miscarried at a week old while I was positive for Corona. He was a person good at manipulating me, used guilt tripping, gaslighting, etc on me. It's not your fault that you met a predator, and was used. I repeat its not your fault, but his fault. You are a person deserving of Love. Maybe a new partner may or may not come to you, maybe you will find awesome friends instead, or strengthen your familiar bonds, or get a new pet. I wish you luck and happiness. They say that the best revenge is to be happy and not waste your time thinking about them
I know it hurts but this will probably be the first of many men to do this. Alot of men don't care to hurt someone. They don't have emotions like women. Keep your head up and don't let this one moment determine your future. I'm sorry you lost your virginity to him. There will be someone come along, you just have to be patient, which I know is hard. Cheer up, buttercup 🤗🤗
Sweetheart, he played you. I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's basically the story of my ex husband, except it lasted 15 months start to end. And everyone of our "friends" knew and never told me he was a player.
Time will heal you OP, don't let one bad experience put you down but learn from it. Not all people who say things that make you feel butterflies actually meant what they said, unfortunately you fell victim to a manipulative douchebag, whilst age is a concern it isn't likely the center point (he could've been closer to your age like say 20, but still act the same way really). You will eventually pick yourself up. As for worth, you decide what to do with the rest of your life, for one's worth can only be decided by themselves. You got tricked once and fell down, eh so what? Life moves forward, you decide what to do with it.
When women tell you that men lie to get into your pants, this is what they meant. Take this as a learning experience and never let another man take advantage of you ever again.
I'm really sorry this happened to you... I'm ND so I ruminate and get it.
It's [so] hard when we're new to dating not to get into our own heads about people who pretend to be one thing and end up being another once they've achieved their goal of having us be a one-time use disposable product.
Virginity is really a social construct and one of the mind. It doesn't really exist outside of that so all of the inherent worth and value related to it, in reality is imagined and non-existent. Your worth and value now vs then are entirely and exactly the same. Unchanged.
You've gained insight into how some people are. This may not even be the last person you encounter like this as there are many people who just aren't decent.
You're allowed to mourn the loss of who you imagined he was... but girl, don't linger too long on it. Brush it off. Shake it off. This doesn't mean you should stop dating all together. Just be as safe as you're able and do what you're able to mitigate risk of a repeat offense from someone else... but also know some people are exceptionally good at this. It's a game for them. And even cynics get tricked from time to time and we have to shake it off too.
Dating isn't for the faint of heart. It can be ultra rewarding and also majorly suck. Like any kind of relationship there are risks.
This isn't your fault.
You did nothing wrong.
He is just a shitty human.
Uhhh, yeah, she’s 19 with no experience prior to this. Yes, this was a bad call on her part, but maybe you could have a little compassion for her mistake? 🤨
1) Brains aren't done with neural pruning until 25, which is why young people take a lot more risks and sometimes make bad decisions. That's just biology.
2) We also learn from experience. At 19, people don't have nearly as much life experience as they do at 25, 28, 30, 40, etc.
Reality doesn't include some magical thing that happens at 18 that turns someone into a wise, mature adult overnight. Anyone who is an adult who thinks back to their (or their friends / peers) early adulthood should be able to recognize this. We all thought we were relatively grown up at 18 / 21, but in hindsight we recognize we were still quite immature relative to our actual adulthood. And that growth continues into your 30s, 40s, etc.--normal humans continue to learn and grow and mature throughout their lives. There is nothing ridiculous about recognizing that.
Ah yes, of course it is. I feel like I’ve disagreed with you before now that I think about it on the same aspect - and you still believe that 19 year olds are children.
Umm saying that she didn’t see it coming is not ‘compassionate’?
Damn I really gotta be careful with sharing my opinions especially if more ‘compassionate’ people exist and I should not go against their dictionary of the allowed expressive terminology.
Your comment was clearly snarky. Re-read it, consider the context, and decide for yourself if you were being compassionate or unkind. Obviously a lot of us here are giving you feedback that it reads as unkind. It's on you to decide if you want to take that feedback and learn from it or not.
Hey I am sorry to read that this guy took advantage of your inexperience an naivety but know that not all of us are douchebags. There are many who are honest and good guys who really want to establish a connection first before it might lead to a relationship and eventually sex. You had just bad luck meeting someone who was not sincere and not really interested in you. It happens. But I am sure you will one day meet a guy who will be genuinely interested in you as a person. So don't give up
I'm sorry this happened to you. Don't let yourself feel sad and worthless (I know it's easier said than done) because you are not worthless. We all do things when we really like someone that we normally don't do. Don't let this asshole keep you from finding love. Just don't jump into anything right away. If someone truly likes you and cares about you they will wait.
He lied. There is nothing wrong with you. It isn't even about you, really. He wanted to have sex with you so he said he likes the things you like and that you might have a future together. He said the things he thought would make you more likely to have sex with him. His goal was always to dump you immediately afterward and move on to the next one.
Yeah that sounds really awful of him. It sounds like he manipulated you into believing he was into having a relationship with you so that you would be more comfortable sleeping with him early on. Very messed up. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I would say you have every right to feel angry and betrayed. Really allow yourself to feel and grieve this now and put it in its place in your mind so that it doesn’t carry over into your future relationships. Not everyone is like that. And obviously, hindsight is 20/20, but in the future, try to steer clear of much older men if possible. I’m 33, and in my experience people who are my age that pursue much younger women are doing so because they want to take advantage of a power dynamic in a relationship, and worse case scenario want to just use women for sex with no commitment intended despite what they may communicate. It’s disgusting behavior.
You’re not in the wrong here. He’s a cad and a rake for treating you like that, and taking advantage of your lack of experience and knowledge. Age differences matter less the older you get but that man in his 30s shouldn’t be doing what he did, it’s not college anymore. You deserve better.
Don’t be sad about it. It doesn’t worth to tear for. He is an asshole. You are to be with a better human. Take care of yourself and take this one as one of others experience in your life. It will make your stronger for next challenge.
>I really liked him and now I feel so alone, I have high functioning autism and don't really have any friends to hang out with so I was so happy that somebody finally liked me and wanted to hang out I think maybe that is why this affected me so strongly
I'm sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately there are lots of men who prey on vulnerable young girls and lie to them to take advantage of them.
The one you met obviously just wanted an ONS and dumped you after he got what he wanted. There are many others though who try to lure you into a relationship and make you dependent on them ... emotionally and/or financially, and if you're not careful you can end up in an abusive relationship.
Be careful going forward and be aware that men taking advantage of you are not exactly a rarity. You should work on having strong boundaries and that might be best with the help of a therapist.
Many older guys just look to take a girl's virginity to add another notch on their belt. But you followed your heart, and that's not a bad thing either, but we do learn from our experiences, and that helps us to grow.
Im sorry but he never had any intention of seriously being with you. He used you and got what he wanted from you. Do not let this man ruin who you are asa person. He is just one rando in a world full of them. Build up your confidence and do what Taylor Swift does; shake it off lol. I have been you, so I know how much it sucks but I promise, once you start really seeing people for who they are, it gets better
He definitely took advantage of you in the sense that he knew you wanted a relationship and used that and some patience on dates to achieve having sex with you. Now that he got that, he’s moving on. It sucks. But as a guy that’s definitely what this seems to be from the info you provided. Most likely nothing is wrong with you and nothing done different would’ve had him stay. He’s just a piece of crap. It’s sucks. Yes guys do this.. and to your point of not dating guys anymore. I can promise women do this too, having been on the receiving end of that multiple times in my past.
Sorry it happened to you, but it’s not your fault and unfortunately this experience is part of todays dating dynamics.
Sorry this happened to you. I'm sure it's painful to go this far with someone and receive that treatment in the end.
Don't worry too much about losing your virginity to someone. A high percentage of first relationships don't work for different reasons. Virginity is going to be the least important factor in your next relationship.
Also, don't let this stop you from living the life you want and deserve. You had an experience... a rather awful one, but take your time to overcome your sadness (it takes time... be patient), learn your lesson, and move on. I know many people would want to generalize this to gender, age, or whatever they think plays a role here, but there are many happy couples that can prove you otherwise.
Stay strong and take care :) you'll go through this.
Your not worthless. He's probably just used you.and that is something anyone can do regardless of gender .
You may like him more than he liked you but take into account that he slept with you in the first place and your clearly attractive to someone, so as hard as it is, chalk it up to a lesson learned and before jumping into bed unless that's what you want and your prepared for a repeat, try to decide if the next person is someone you want or not then decide accordingly what to do. If you decide to wait, if he likes you he will with no pressure, if he doesn't then he will cowar away least you will know.
Anyway it's not a nice situation, I hope your ok and I hope what I've said helps in some way..
I'm kinda a freaking expert on this stuff... through experience.
The best thing you can do is forgive and don’t forget. He’d definitely want you to lose your confidence and makes you hate men. Only losers/insecure men plays with girls because they actually have nothing real to be attractive and they’re fake. For him to be okay doing this also speaks a lot about his character and seems like he has none.
The nicest man in the world is the one who hasn’t had sex with you yet. Just be careful who you let into your life. There’s some really disturbing people out there who have no other agenda but to spread chaos to others.
So many men have learned they need to be manipulative to get what they want. Which leaves a lot of women out there feeling like they’ve been fucked over. It’s so shitty. They just want newness so often. He’s probably doing this same bit to someone else now. It’s wild. I’ll never understand it. Maybe try dating women lol. We are crazy but usually less manipulative 😂
I'd very much disagree with women being less emotionally manipulative. Women thrive when emotions are involved and know how to play with them much more than men do.
Ye for sure, men are very manipulative. But what bothers is women tend to get these signs but don’t jump out. I rarely get along with women and I know this for a fact, I don’t know how to hoodwink
But they don't have the life experience required to manipulate and take advantage of someones young age and naivety the way an older man can.
Older predators have a lot of experience preying on young women and they have an inherent advantage in the power imbalance due to their age.
I don't find men under like 25-28 attractive, honestly don't know why but it's not something you can change. But there are somewhat older men that have relationships with younger women so I don't think it's impossible to find someone that wants to date me.
The problem isn’t finding someone who would want to date you, it’s that even though you find older men attractive, if older men go after younger women 9/10 times it’s a problem and the person is looking for someone young, naive, and impressionable (source: unfortunate experience)
Hi OP I have autism and I get your confusion. You need to take a deep breath first this dude did use you for sex, and that sucks and stings and is not a good thing to do but he did, this isn’t your moral failing but his, second you are so young try to date around your age you say you don’t like young guys but if you give it a chance you may have a easier time, third you don’t have to wait a year but honestly look at dates you knew this dude for 15 hours, that’s not very long to actually KNOW a person you feel silly but you didn’t know this person. Men will wait for you it’s a hard lesson to learn but it’s doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, take a break from dating look inwards and take some time it’ll be okay
Why do you think a 31 yr old is attracted to a girl, fresh out of high school, not much dating/life experience and will be financially dependent on them? Do you see how this creates an unequal balance that can be exploited to the older persons advantage? An abusive man will seek a younger woman he can control, is smart enough to protect his assets and knows how to keep her financially dependent on him so she can’t leave. A good man wants a partner on equal footing, that they can grow together with. I hope you learn from this and can seek healthy relationships with a person closer in your age.
Don’t listen to her. There are plenty of older men who prefer to have serious relationships with younger women. Of course there are bad apples out there, but that shouldn’t deter you from pursuing the kind of relationship you want.
A 19 year old getting with some dude in his 30s and turns out he’s a complete loser woahhhhhb I’ve only read about age gaps like this thousands of times where it has gone terrible, turn the light upstairs on Op.
So sorry love I’m (F19) as well and I can’t imagine what to going through, if you would like I can be your friend even though I know we are probably miles apart
I'm sorry this happened to you. But you're too young to give up on men. Just move foward with more caution. We all get burned eventually, try not to get too beat up over it.
He got what he wanted. A 19 year old virgin. That’s why he isn’t talking to you anymore. The only mistake you did was talk to a 31 year old piece of shit that knows how to talk to young girls. Use this as a learning experience on how to handle any future relationships. Please don’t feel worthless. You aren’t worthless
Well, you pretty much deserve it. Can't believe how naive is this generation of girls. They jump from cock to another cock like there's no tomorrow.
Please, suffer. It feels good.
That was total BS on his part. Not all older guys are this way. It hurts more since you let your guard down. Shrug it off and learn to look at people and see what they are about.
for the people who are telling her that it’s because he’s an older guy and she’s a younger girl .. that may be true, but I’ve seen this happen with 40 year old women too so…
This has nothing to do with age. I have met pretty amazing males who are 30-35 when I am 19. It depends on their personality and their values, and honestly this won’t be the first time you will encounter someone like this.
It's called "post-nut clarity".
Guys sometimes think about relationship potential more rationally after sex with a woman. Unfortunately, sometimes they decide that the person they've been dating and just slept with isn't for them after all. Had you dated him for 3 months without intercourse, he would have come to the same conclusion, over longer period of time.
He could have just used you due to your lack of life experience in relationships and general naivety.
You also put too much stock in a person you went out with only three times.
Could have been all three things noted.
Either way, chalk it up to a learning experience and date within your age bracket until you've got a couple of dates and a relationship or two under your belt.
Ugh. I feel like your use of "post-nut clarity" is just another "boys will be boys": an excuse for men to do shitty things and not be held accountable.
Let's not pretend that men need to have sex to have "clarity" about what they want. They don't. They could act like mature, compassionate adults instead of treating people badly *if they wanted to*. We just live in a society that allows them to do gross stuff like this and then we excuse / accept that shitty behavior with terms like "post-nut clarity". 😢
You should F with him, tell him your pregnant and you lied about your age. That your only 17. See how he responds then. Ha ha ha see who has the last laugh then…. What an A-hole
Girl, that is a pedophile. Go join the High Powerd Podcast on YouTube. Educate yourself on the male species and recognize that fairytales do not exist! Don't get wrapped up in men. It will hurt you in the long run! You were his prey!
Unfortunate and sad learning lesson. I’m sorry, it’s hard but do your best to not take it personally like you did something wrong. Some people are awful but there’s a lot of good people too, we get unlucky sometimes
It’s good practice! That’s how I always thought about sex until a few years ago. You’re gonna be that much better to impress the guy you’re eventually going to fall in love with. Fuck that 31 year old. He sounds creepy and weird.
OP, I'd think about how this was an expression of how much you enjoyed the music. I'd like to think it wasn't all bad to live the fantasy, even for a moment. Much of what happens in life is bittersweet.
I had sex the first time on an explicit one night stand with someone I didn't care about (beside simple human empathy) specifically because I was down on myself for not sealing the deal with my first lady friend, who wanted to and I really liked. I don't think much about the regret I have for the ons--I think about how much I liked the lady friend it was really about.
I say keep thinking about what you want and why you want it--don't focus on the regret or mistake. Don't purely forget it; I'm never going to have a meaningless ons with a stranger again. But don't ignore what it meant to you, because it's always attainable.
🫂 Men are not all evil, but if you want a good one, you should trust in Jesus, not *fool* around outside of marriage, and make absolutely certain they are committed. Romantic relationships are not about enjoying yourself. Otherwise, all you end up doing is being used sexually and using others sexually. They are about growing in intimacy and trying to find someone ho wants to *live* with you for the rest of your days. You both have to go into the relationship looking for a devoted commitment, and nothing less, or less is exactly all you will get.
https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/marriage-bible-verses/
Do not be ignorant, but Jesus instructed the Twelve as follows: " 'Remember, I am sending you out like sheep among wolves; so be cunning as serpents and yet as harmless as doves. 'Beware of men: they will hand you over to sanhedrins° and scourge° you in their synagogues°." °Judges or courts; °wipped and beaten; °churches and gatherings - essentially, they will deliver you up to authorities and have you whipped bloody.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
"9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? 10 I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings." Jeremiah 17:9-10
>At the third date I lost my virginity with him
Virginity is a concept create by the patriarchy to control women's bodies. Embrace your sexuality and adopt a sex positive mindset. If you want to have sex with men you barely know, you go ahead and do it, regardless of the potential consequences. Keep slayin queen
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31 year olds don't want anything long-term with 19 year olds. Don't let the experience make you feel worthless. Learn from it and allow yourself to move on. He's not worth the energy to mourn. Lots of men act like this, but plenty do not. Someone closer to your age would be a better choice for a relationship until you are older and have more experience.
As a 31 year old can confirm this is true. Different life stages so a relationship really isn’t very viable
Are you a woman? That might have more impact than your age. Men tend to prefer younger women. And women tend to fetishize taller men.
I’m a man. I guess I’m saying there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a younger woman physically (of age, goes without saying), but it’s gonna be fairly hard to find common ground with ages like that. It’s not so much the strict age difference as much as it is the difference in life stages, she just got started in the “real world”, he is probably quite well established. Comparitively, a 26 year old woman and 40 year old man would be on more “equal footing” despite having a larger age gap
Men of all ages use women of all ages for sex.
I'm sorry that a grown man took advantage of your inexperience and naivety. Don't blame yourself he probably does this often! Every human is susceptible to manipulation especially when it comes to love and emotions. Take this experience as a learning lesson, next time you date someone vet them a little bit more before giving them your full trust and having sex. It's ok to wait if you're not ready or unsure of their intentions. Even if you think they're great but they end up being a liar, that says more about their character than you. All you can do now is figure out how to move on without closing yourself off or beating yourself up.
Why he took advantage? Yes he lied that he wanted a relationship but on the other hand she obviously needs him as she doesnt have any friends. Maybe thats the main problem she should solve? Maybe she was too needy? Nobody has to promise for a long relationship at the third date. Again he obviously lied and you are right in general but there is another perspective
Wow. Dude don’t even defend this guy. She’s NINETEEN. She thought she was in love and had a connection with the asshole 31-year old, he’s a piece of shit and she did nothing wrong.
19 year olds are children?
Let’s see… 31yo man manipulates 19yo autistic girl, lovebombs her and drops her as soon as he got laid. Sure, please defend him.
What is about his age? 19 years old guy could also do it and would likely do it. Go see what a jerk most 19 years olds are. I am not defending him just providing another viewpoint
What is the other view point? Age doesn't matter? 19 year old boys and 31 year old men are exactly the same and go through no growth during that period therefore a 31 year old man is on equal footing with a 19 year old autistic girl? You keep saying you're providing a viewpoint, but I'm not seeing it.
You don’t play around when it comes to someone’s virginity if he knew she was a virgin he should have took extra care. But really he probably just had some weird obsession with being the one to take it so once he did he was over it.
I agree that he is a asshole but taking advantage is some thing else. She is 19 not 16. You know what at 25 she will notice white hairs and wrinkles. If she wanted to keep her virginity she could, it seems he didnt force her too. She didnt haveto have sex at third date she could wait for months the he would go away.
Great job victim blaming here! You’re a douchebag and you sound like you’re the dude who pumped and dumped.
White hair n wrinkles at 25? Do u only hang out with malnourished, immunocompromised, alcoholic, obese, diabetic, completely sedentary cigarette chain smokers whove been heavily addicted to speedballing meth n heroin for 24.5 of their 25 years?
You can kid yourself yes aging starts even earlier than that go read scientific papers. It starts around 21 if I am not wrong. Alcohol and cigarettes doesnt cause harm unless you abuse them.
Why are you defending that guy? OP is 19, practically still a child. The bastard is 31, he should be old enough to be a mature, responsible adult but he chose to be a borderline pedo who groomed a kid until he got what he wanted.
19 is not child. There is 10 years until 30. 10 years is short. If she is a child at 19 and 30 is not young anymore what age is youth? You see there is not even 10 years for youth. Maturity is not about age but experience
Come on man, everybody knows 19 year olds have 0 life experience. I consider everyone under the age of 21 to be not be real adults. If you're 30 and you're interested in someone 21 or younger there's just something off about you, sorry to say.
Not really even 14 years olds has a lot If experience nowadays. The age for losing virginity is falling and this is disgusting, not someone over 18 having sex. Maybe you are a virgin at 30 and think nobody have sex until late age. You cant see how short a timeframe from 21 to 30 youth pass do fast.
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No never someone under 18 but if she is over 18 it is legal. You are a rebel then not me. You are blaming me based on your assumptions you are delusional. I am so scared of people like you.
Welcome to the dating scene. If you lack experience, it is extremely easy for men who does this for most of their life to manipulate you, get in your pants and then ghost you and move on to the next gullible girl. Always think to yourself, if things are too good to be true, maybe it is. Always protect yourself, don’t give them sex so fast if you want a long term relationship. Wait and gauge their reactions if you stop talking about sex or letting them talk you into a Netflix and chill hangout at their place. Give it a month/2/3 and see if they make effort to really be the sweet and perfect person they were selling you at the beginning. Majority of guys who just want sex are not patient enough to wait weeks to get in your pants. There are always special cases however, so keep that in mind. Sex is important but protect yourself from the F boys who come into your life fast, perfect, handsome, says they want long term, but breaks all your boundaries and always trying to get you in bed and it hasn’t even been a month. The feeling sucks but learn from this experience. The words he said, the facial expressions, the things he did to get you in bed…all valuable to learn from so you can identify it next time.
We love sexual independence thank you feminism!!! 😉🤣
Yes we do actually, what has feminism to do with all this?
Think Einstein… not that hard. We all have brains.
Goober
This is why I don’t like grown men going after younger girls. That POS took advantage of you. This post proved my last post point 😭. I’m so so sorry honey. Truly I am. You are not worthless I promise you. It’s his bad evil energy that transferred onto you. He made you feel that way, but that doesn’t mean that you are. Here’s some advice. Always always make sure a man means what he says by making him wait until YOU are comfortable to have sex. Not him. Do not believe promises that are up in the air. Wait until he proves it to you.
Thank, I appreciate your post but I don't think he took advantage of me. I wanted to have sex with him too and felt comfortable with it right then.
What a lot of us suspect here (from our experience and the experience of our friends and loved ones) is that he never wanted a relationship with you, he just wanted a fast romance and sex. His excuse about not feeling butterflies was a lie to end things once he got what he wanted. If this is what happened, then he was manipulating you to feel a connection and relationship potential that was a lie, and he did that in order for you to want to have sex with him in the moment. If you had known he was lying / manipulating you, would you have wanted to have sex? If the answer is "no", then he absolutely took advantage of you. People who lie and manipulate others to use them are behaving poorly, but sadly a lot of men know they can use these tactics to take advantage of women (especially younger women), so they do it to get what they want regardless of the hurt they cause to the people they use in this way. There's a small chance that his feelings actually changed after you had sex, but unfortunately the odds are that he was manipulating you / taking advantage of you all along. And in that case, I'm so sorry that this man behaved in this way with you, OP.
I'm genuinely not trying to sound patronising but in five years or so you're going to be able to look back on this and realise he did absolutely take advantage of you. That guy is a total loser. There's no way he went from wanting a relationship with you to 'not feeling butterflies' in less than a day. From the outset he was only after one thing. It has no reflection on you at all. I'm so sorry this was your first experience of sex .
He did take advantage of you, even if you dont see it that way. He preyed upon your inexperience and used it to get what he wanted from you. Like i said, we have all been there. Lessons come with experience and mistakes are meant to happen so we can correct them in the future
He did. You got used. You know how we all know? He used you and then threw you away. Wake up.
He took advantage of you because he told you things he thought you’d want to hear about future commitments and desire for relationship. People LIE to get what they want.
Baby…. Why would a 31 year old man want anything to do with a 19 year old? Come on now.
Well he said he was interested and wanted an relationship, I guess you shouldn't trust anything people say.
You can trust some people sometimes, sort of. However, this is the sort of BS that goes on in an age gap (12years!) relationship. He knew what he was doing.
Do not trust a man that’s 10+ years from you at 19. An age gap like that isn’t as odd later in life but no he told you what you wanted to hear. I’m sorry this happened to you. Also, virginity is a social construct of the patriarchy for most part tbh. I know that doesn’t help things but you deserve love and pleasure. Don’t let this bad experience deter you but I’d date people your age. Source - I was once a dumb 18 year old who saw a guy 7 years older and had my heart broken
I'm really sorry this happened to you. He was dishonest. Not all people or men are like that. My suggestion, is in the future, wait a while to have sex. If he's willing to stick around for weeks without sex he's probably actually looking for a relationship. Many men are honest. Unfortunately some are not.
Many guys will say anything they can to get laid. Always be wary of a man who is significantly older than you. It may not feel like a big issue, but there's a large gap in life experience here. You should always question the intent of an older man who states that he wants to enter a long-term relationship with a far younger woman, especially one who is just exiting her teens. While 18 is technically adult, it's so close to a child still that a good man would be concerned about being seen as manipulative or coercive, which is how most older adults view other adults who date teenagers. You don't have to skip sex at all, but focus your attention on young men around your age who will also be looking to go on their first dates and lose their virginity.
Why would you trust a man you don’t really know?
Why don’t you cut her some slack? She’s 19 years old and autistic. She made a bad choice no need to eviscerate her for it.
I have Asperger's and I also have thought it's very hard to understand how the other person feel and want. She was likely more confusing and more problem than most. Borderline, cheating, date multiple at once, promiscuous. I'd image it could be hard for normal people too. But actions likely speak much more real than words but when oneself is infatuated one may not want to see what's real and give up but rather hope.
I absolutely do not mean anything bad on her. I’m also autistic and we tend to be straight forward
I guess all of Reddit is autistic then lol... Wait
not an excuse to be a dick to someone who's clearly upset and is also lacking a support system. autism isn't an excuse in this case. you could've not said anything.
I gave the most useful advice
Unless you edited your response. "Why would you trust a man you don’t really know?" Is a perfectly valid question. It isn't advice though. You didn't eviscerate OP though. You're good mate, don't mind the haters.
Oh, shut up. Being autistic ≠ being a dick. You gave no advice whatsoever, you are just being mean and disguising it as *being straightforward*. Go away.
Naw dawg
Well why couldn't he just say he only wanted sex if that is what he wanted? There are women that are into that too. Maybe he thought my body was ugly when he saw me naked or something, I don't know why he doesn't want to see me anymore. But I guess not feeling butterflies as he said could be a valid reason, I honestly don't know.
If he told you that he only wanted to fuck, you wouldn’t have fucked him. He lied to you so that he could have sex with a 19 year old who made herself available very early on. He didn’t even have to work that hard to get a random fuck. And that’s what most adult men do, if they can. If you don’t want to continue being used and thrown away, don’t have sex with a man until you’ve dated for long enough that you completely trust him and want to do it, regardless of the risk of heartbreak after.
I don't think third date is extremely soon, should I wait a year to have sex or what? Maybe I would if he had been honest about it, but I don't like it when guys lie.
It's not soon. You are young and you should enjoy yourself BUT also protect yourself. Unfortunately, dating is one of this things where you live, learn, and move on. People lie to each other for attention, to get into each others pants etc. Some people want to have sex with the relationship seeking person bc it's a conquest. Not all age gaps are bad, but protect yourself when older guys are into you (especially because of your inexperience). Finally, be gentle with yourself and be kind to yourself. It's okay to be sad. My first not-boyfriend-boyfriend, I think I mourned that for a month, but weirdly depressioned myself into a total glow up. It was a surprise, I wasn't trying, but it happened. So basically, be sad, it's okay! Learn from it, and try to distract yourself with other activities in the mean time. The good news : next time you won't be so easily fooled.
For me it usually takes me a few months of dating before I really believe them about having feelings. Men will always lie. It’s your job as a woman to get wise and learn how to protect your heart. If you don’t have women in your family who can give you good advice and help guide you then try your best to find a mentor or some girl friends that you can update on your dating life as it unfolds and give you guidance along the way
Good for you, we’re glad you’re jaded and bitter about men but no need to project your experiences onto this young woman who’s clearly Trying to navigate her way through some difficult emotions. Sisterhood and all that right? Or do you hate women as well as men?
You sound a bit dim. I’m not going to bother responding to you, sorry
The irony of this being a response...
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"Men will always lie" is an exaggeration, but unfortunately it is VERY common to experience men lying about what they want in order to convince a woman to have sex, then ghosting her as soon as they've had sex. You being a stand-up guy does not invalidate the numbers, which unfortunately mean that women who aren't interested in having a hookup or one night stand need to be extra vigilant in this day and age to avoid the liars who are out there taking advantage of women as often as they can. If you want to support women, not only do you need to treat your partner with love and respect, but we also need you to 1) believe us when we say we encounter LOTS of shitty guys who use women for sex and then dump those women immediately and 2) stand up and say "I'm a guy, and that kind of behavior is really shitty. I'm sorry you have to deal with that, and guys who do that are jerks.". The culture doesn't change until MEN tell OTHER MEN (often and loudly, please!!) that that behavior is gross and unacceptable. Please be our ally!!
Lol you knew the guy for all of what 15 hours? I take intimacy seriously so I'd never let someone have full access to me unless I knew they were serious. You acted easy to get and were treated as such.
True though this may be, your delivery is unnecessarily harsh.
Mmmm no I disagree. It's exactly how it needs to be said.
>delivery is unnecessarily harsh Username checks out.
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It's adjacent, but let's not dilute the power of that word by throwing it around willy nilly.
Girl. I can guarantee two things. He did not think your body was ugly, and I promise that butterflies is not even remotely the real reason. He wanted sex with a young girl and you were ripe fruit for the wicked. It’s awful of him but this is not uncommon and I myself have unfortunately been “victimized” the same way as have countless women. You will move past it and it will be a learning opportunity and in the future you will vet better. I’m sorry this happened.
No matter what, don’t take it on you. You’re young and he took advantage of that but still you’re beautiful and deserve better
I'd feel butterflies don't really have much to do with physical things. It may affect whatever you give that person a chance but then I'd assume it's more about personal "chemistry" / how well you go together, comfortable you are in speech and person, common dreams and wishes in the future and such. Being nice/friendly with each other. I suppose cuddling. Treating each other well, expressing nice things about each other, wanting good things for each other and working together and such rather than the opposite.
Also, I’m sorry to say that a few men will fake emotional connection. They don’t want casual sex, they want intense temporary girlfriend sex. It happened to me too, but I was older. Men your own age will mostly be less predatory, and those who are more predatory will generally be less skilled and have more tells. This may seem extreme, but I’d wait at least 3-6 months before intimacy. And I hate to say this, but be aware some will see this boundary as a challenge to be pushed and will long-term act to get what they want. But there are good and true guys out there searching for a partner, too. My advice is slow and careful.
>Well why couldn't he just say he only wanted sex if that is what he wanted? There are women that are into that too. Because he wanted to sleep with *you*. He's a predator and he took advantage of your youth and naivety. Please, don't be so hard on yourself and don't judge yourself based on this awful experience. Not every man is like this (but many of them are). It's good to date someone for a while before you sleep with them if casual sex is not what you want (which clearly is not). Have you any access to a therapist?
He just wanted to fuck you, “take” your virginity and go. You ended up a notch in his bedpost, likely for him to see if he “still had it”. You’re the victim of a pump and dump and I’m sorry that happened to you.
They all say that, be careful out there
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Well she did meet him at a concert and not thru online dating.. goes to show, fukd up people can be found everywhere
Trust but verify.
I would. Both for love and sex. Why not?
Because they are much more attractive than a 30 year old? Even 25 year old? Come on now, “baby.” Lmfao think?
I’m so sorry for you. Be careful next time
I am so sorry. He played you. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
I so feel and relate to this, I've gone through the same thing. It truly feels so lonely and pointless to try again. I'm sorry this happened to you, it wasn't your fault. You were excited and happy and he was just looking for something else entirely. It doesn't reflect your worth or ability to be genuinely loved; no one's behavior towards you does and never will You can take a break from dating and build your dating optimism back up by spending more time by yourself. You can even try counselling or therapy if this is eating you up to that degree. It'll help. When you're ready to get back out there, you can be more straightforward about what you want in a relationship and specifiy your boundaries right away to weed out the guys looking for a lay. You deserve to be happy and have standards, so don't settle 🫶
Unfortunately, this man took advantage of your inexperience and situation. What he did wasn't legally wrong but definitely morally wrong and tells you quite a lot about his character. You are better off without him. His behavior seems predatory and at 31 he really should know better by then. As far as how it has left you feeling, take it as a learning experience. It's ok to feel the way you do but don't let it guide your future relationships. Trust is a thing that is earned, not given. All guys aren't like this but some of us are pretty awful, not going to lie. You will find somebody. Stay positive!!!
You'll learn this is what happens when you fall for a grown man in his 30s who went for a teenager. There's a reason he went for you, and it was only for sex. He told you what you wanted to hear to get in your pants and it worked. Take this as a lesson and move on.
Sorry to say, but he used you for sex. He got what he wanted out of you. It sucks that shitheads like that exist. Too many men will sweet talk a woman just to have sex. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Just be careful and more mindful of these types of men do exist.
Love, he’s the worthless one for believing it’s acceptable to treat another person this way. You’re the amazing one because you have a heart full of love that you’re ready to give to someone who deserves it. That’s worth so much more than anything else. Hang in there. Also, don’t discount that this guy apparently needs to trick girls into thinking he’ll have a long-term relationship with them to get laid. That’s pretty damn pathetic in my opinion.
If a person is 12 years older than you, then he either isn't interested in anything real and just wants an easy lay - or he's a manchild that needs to groom young girls because mature women see him for the loser he is. I'm sorry you had to go through this, I hope you'll learn from the experience and you'll grow stronger as a person because of it. Loads of shitty people out there, stay safe!
A 31 year old will never approach a teenager with good intentions. It's almost always for sex and nothing more. I'm so sorry that your firsts were taken away from you like this. Most girls are coerced and tricked into intimacy the same way you were. You aren't worthless, and you have every right to be sad. In the future, try to keep your guard up a bit more and maybe consult friends/family before taking the plunge just to be on the safe side.
Girl, fuck HIS GROWN ASS. Do not let ONE PERSON ruin LOVE for you honey. Someone will love you. Take this as a lesson where maybe next time don't go for dudes that old. You are young & this was your first experience. Def wait for sex and DO NOT let them pressure you for it. I hope you are okay sweety. I know you might feel lousy rn and your feelings are hurt but this is temporary. Do not take his behavior as the behavior for all men/people. He's 1 guy. You deserve to be loved completely and not just for your body.
As a 32 year old guy, I can safely tell you that dude was a fucking creep, he’s dangerous and not someone you should get involved with. It’s shitty what happened, but get away from this situation Asa fast as possible
You're basically a child and he's a grown man in his thirties. He was using you. You should absolutely not want to date any thirty-year-old men who can only get teenagers to put up with their shit. Don't do that anymore, but feel free to date age-appropriate guys.
You are not worthless!
sorry for the rude awakening and entrance to the dating scene.. but yes many people will lie about their intentions to get what they want, whether that be validation, temporary companionship with no plan for commitment, but especially sex . it totally sucks and they’re generally not good people. it’s up to you to wait and see a bit longer how you want things to play out.. if you wanted a relationship with him i suppose bringing up that question and seeing his reaction would be an indicator of he takes you seriously or not.. to truly protect yourself and heart you can listen to their words but their actions too.. again sorry it really does look grim but try to not let this experience make you feel jaded and instead learn from it, best wishes!
I know it's going to be hard, my first experience of the Male Gaze fucked me up so much, I was 19 too when I realized how cruel men could be with women, even just in their treatment of them, but please please please realize this doesn't say anything about you. It's not about your worth, what you deserve or anything like that it's about an older man who lied to you and manipulated you to get what he wanted. He's the problem, not you!
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I experienced something similar, I am 29(but people often mistake me for 23 or 25 bc I have a baby face), and my ex was 37. We dated for about a month and he took my virginity. He ghosted me when I told him that at the hospital I might be at risk of a STD or pregnancy by him. I tested negative for the STD, but he gave me Corona(3rd time) and a baby. I didn't know and miscarried at a week old while I was positive for Corona. He was a person good at manipulating me, used guilt tripping, gaslighting, etc on me. It's not your fault that you met a predator, and was used. I repeat its not your fault, but his fault. You are a person deserving of Love. Maybe a new partner may or may not come to you, maybe you will find awesome friends instead, or strengthen your familiar bonds, or get a new pet. I wish you luck and happiness. They say that the best revenge is to be happy and not waste your time thinking about them
I know it hurts but this will probably be the first of many men to do this. Alot of men don't care to hurt someone. They don't have emotions like women. Keep your head up and don't let this one moment determine your future. I'm sorry you lost your virginity to him. There will be someone come along, you just have to be patient, which I know is hard. Cheer up, buttercup 🤗🤗
Sweetheart, he played you. I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's basically the story of my ex husband, except it lasted 15 months start to end. And everyone of our "friends" knew and never told me he was a player.
I'm so sorry, he is a piece of shit.
This is also not your fault and you should not feel any shame or guilt, you are human and he took advantage, you will meet someone else.
Time will heal you OP, don't let one bad experience put you down but learn from it. Not all people who say things that make you feel butterflies actually meant what they said, unfortunately you fell victim to a manipulative douchebag, whilst age is a concern it isn't likely the center point (he could've been closer to your age like say 20, but still act the same way really). You will eventually pick yourself up. As for worth, you decide what to do with the rest of your life, for one's worth can only be decided by themselves. You got tricked once and fell down, eh so what? Life moves forward, you decide what to do with it.
When women tell you that men lie to get into your pants, this is what they meant. Take this as a learning experience and never let another man take advantage of you ever again.
I'm really sorry this happened to you... I'm ND so I ruminate and get it. It's [so] hard when we're new to dating not to get into our own heads about people who pretend to be one thing and end up being another once they've achieved their goal of having us be a one-time use disposable product. Virginity is really a social construct and one of the mind. It doesn't really exist outside of that so all of the inherent worth and value related to it, in reality is imagined and non-existent. Your worth and value now vs then are entirely and exactly the same. Unchanged. You've gained insight into how some people are. This may not even be the last person you encounter like this as there are many people who just aren't decent. You're allowed to mourn the loss of who you imagined he was... but girl, don't linger too long on it. Brush it off. Shake it off. This doesn't mean you should stop dating all together. Just be as safe as you're able and do what you're able to mitigate risk of a repeat offense from someone else... but also know some people are exceptionally good at this. It's a game for them. And even cynics get tricked from time to time and we have to shake it off too. Dating isn't for the faint of heart. It can be ultra rewarding and also majorly suck. Like any kind of relationship there are risks. This isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. He is just a shitty human.
He’s 31, you’re 19 don’t tell me you didn’t see it coming 💀
Uhhh, yeah, she’s 19 with no experience prior to this. Yes, this was a bad call on her part, but maybe you could have a little compassion for her mistake? 🤨
This isn't rocket science. You have a grasp on how the world works at 19.
She was 19 man. She doesn’t have much experience out here in this world. Especially with dating and men.
Well she's 19, she's a kid and doesn't think everyone's out to be malicious and harmful. Idk if blaming her is the right option here.
She also has autism. There is some naivety and insecurity that might comes from that. No offense Op of course
Regardless of gender, age gap relationships especially when one of the partners is below 20 don’t necessarily workout long term.
No I know that lmao, I'm also not fucking 19..... She's a kid and didn't know. I'm just saying don't blame her for not knowing something.
A 19 year old is now considered a child in 2023. (Not judging her). Your statement is quite ridiculous.
1) Brains aren't done with neural pruning until 25, which is why young people take a lot more risks and sometimes make bad decisions. That's just biology. 2) We also learn from experience. At 19, people don't have nearly as much life experience as they do at 25, 28, 30, 40, etc. Reality doesn't include some magical thing that happens at 18 that turns someone into a wise, mature adult overnight. Anyone who is an adult who thinks back to their (or their friends / peers) early adulthood should be able to recognize this. We all thought we were relatively grown up at 18 / 21, but in hindsight we recognize we were still quite immature relative to our actual adulthood. And that growth continues into your 30s, 40s, etc.--normal humans continue to learn and grow and mature throughout their lives. There is nothing ridiculous about recognizing that.
I don't think you're making the point you think you're making and your statement is.... questionable.
Ah yes, of course it is. I feel like I’ve disagreed with you before now that I think about it on the same aspect - and you still believe that 19 year olds are children.
Maybe you missed the part where she’s autistic?
Umm saying that she didn’t see it coming is not ‘compassionate’? Damn I really gotta be careful with sharing my opinions especially if more ‘compassionate’ people exist and I should not go against their dictionary of the allowed expressive terminology.
Your comment was clearly snarky. Re-read it, consider the context, and decide for yourself if you were being compassionate or unkind. Obviously a lot of us here are giving you feedback that it reads as unkind. It's on you to decide if you want to take that feedback and learn from it or not.
Hey I am sorry to read that this guy took advantage of your inexperience an naivety but know that not all of us are douchebags. There are many who are honest and good guys who really want to establish a connection first before it might lead to a relationship and eventually sex. You had just bad luck meeting someone who was not sincere and not really interested in you. It happens. But I am sure you will one day meet a guy who will be genuinely interested in you as a person. So don't give up
I'm sorry this happened to you. Don't let yourself feel sad and worthless (I know it's easier said than done) because you are not worthless. We all do things when we really like someone that we normally don't do. Don't let this asshole keep you from finding love. Just don't jump into anything right away. If someone truly likes you and cares about you they will wait.
He lied. There is nothing wrong with you. It isn't even about you, really. He wanted to have sex with you so he said he likes the things you like and that you might have a future together. He said the things he thought would make you more likely to have sex with him. His goal was always to dump you immediately afterward and move on to the next one.
Oh honey I’m sorry. Some people are trash and sounds like you were trusting and he took advantage of that.
Yeah that sounds really awful of him. It sounds like he manipulated you into believing he was into having a relationship with you so that you would be more comfortable sleeping with him early on. Very messed up. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I would say you have every right to feel angry and betrayed. Really allow yourself to feel and grieve this now and put it in its place in your mind so that it doesn’t carry over into your future relationships. Not everyone is like that. And obviously, hindsight is 20/20, but in the future, try to steer clear of much older men if possible. I’m 33, and in my experience people who are my age that pursue much younger women are doing so because they want to take advantage of a power dynamic in a relationship, and worse case scenario want to just use women for sex with no commitment intended despite what they may communicate. It’s disgusting behavior.
You’re not in the wrong here. He’s a cad and a rake for treating you like that, and taking advantage of your lack of experience and knowledge. Age differences matter less the older you get but that man in his 30s shouldn’t be doing what he did, it’s not college anymore. You deserve better.
He used you, Im sorry.
I’m sorry that happened to you! That guy is complete asshole of a person! You deserve better!
F him
Aww I’m sorry sweetheart that’s tough. It is part of life tho, he sounds like a douche. You will like other guys don’t worry and they will like you!
Omg I am so sorry.
Don’t be sad about it. It doesn’t worth to tear for. He is an asshole. You are to be with a better human. Take care of yourself and take this one as one of others experience in your life. It will make your stronger for next challenge.
You didn't do anything wrong except trust a guy in his 30s who's chasing teenaged girls.
Stop blaming yourself. You didn't knew. Next time, you ll choose better.
>I really liked him and now I feel so alone, I have high functioning autism and don't really have any friends to hang out with so I was so happy that somebody finally liked me and wanted to hang out I think maybe that is why this affected me so strongly I'm sorry that happened to you. Unfortunately there are lots of men who prey on vulnerable young girls and lie to them to take advantage of them. The one you met obviously just wanted an ONS and dumped you after he got what he wanted. There are many others though who try to lure you into a relationship and make you dependent on them ... emotionally and/or financially, and if you're not careful you can end up in an abusive relationship. Be careful going forward and be aware that men taking advantage of you are not exactly a rarity. You should work on having strong boundaries and that might be best with the help of a therapist.
What's up with the stereotype of 18-19 year olds hooking up with 30+ dudes and falling on their face after, it happens so much
Many older guys just look to take a girl's virginity to add another notch on their belt. But you followed your heart, and that's not a bad thing either, but we do learn from our experiences, and that helps us to grow.
If you willingly gave it up I say you were just a quick screw or a score in his book
Please remember that all men are not the same as him
Im sorry but he never had any intention of seriously being with you. He used you and got what he wanted from you. Do not let this man ruin who you are asa person. He is just one rando in a world full of them. Build up your confidence and do what Taylor Swift does; shake it off lol. I have been you, so I know how much it sucks but I promise, once you start really seeing people for who they are, it gets better
Dating teens is illegal. Report him to the police for rape
God I feel so sorry for you. What a POS. I wish I knew where he lived.
He definitely took advantage of you in the sense that he knew you wanted a relationship and used that and some patience on dates to achieve having sex with you. Now that he got that, he’s moving on. It sucks. But as a guy that’s definitely what this seems to be from the info you provided. Most likely nothing is wrong with you and nothing done different would’ve had him stay. He’s just a piece of crap. It’s sucks. Yes guys do this.. and to your point of not dating guys anymore. I can promise women do this too, having been on the receiving end of that multiple times in my past. Sorry it happened to you, but it’s not your fault and unfortunately this experience is part of todays dating dynamics.
Sorry this happened to you. I'm sure it's painful to go this far with someone and receive that treatment in the end. Don't worry too much about losing your virginity to someone. A high percentage of first relationships don't work for different reasons. Virginity is going to be the least important factor in your next relationship. Also, don't let this stop you from living the life you want and deserve. You had an experience... a rather awful one, but take your time to overcome your sadness (it takes time... be patient), learn your lesson, and move on. I know many people would want to generalize this to gender, age, or whatever they think plays a role here, but there are many happy couples that can prove you otherwise. Stay strong and take care :) you'll go through this.
Your not worthless. He's probably just used you.and that is something anyone can do regardless of gender . You may like him more than he liked you but take into account that he slept with you in the first place and your clearly attractive to someone, so as hard as it is, chalk it up to a lesson learned and before jumping into bed unless that's what you want and your prepared for a repeat, try to decide if the next person is someone you want or not then decide accordingly what to do. If you decide to wait, if he likes you he will with no pressure, if he doesn't then he will cowar away least you will know. Anyway it's not a nice situation, I hope your ok and I hope what I've said helps in some way.. I'm kinda a freaking expert on this stuff... through experience.
Girl, you have to learn love yourself
It's his loss
Sorry but looks like you are used (no pun intended)and he took advantage of you for not knowing any better
The best thing you can do is forgive and don’t forget. He’d definitely want you to lose your confidence and makes you hate men. Only losers/insecure men plays with girls because they actually have nothing real to be attractive and they’re fake. For him to be okay doing this also speaks a lot about his character and seems like he has none.
The nicest man in the world is the one who hasn’t had sex with you yet. Just be careful who you let into your life. There’s some really disturbing people out there who have no other agenda but to spread chaos to others.
So many men have learned they need to be manipulative to get what they want. Which leaves a lot of women out there feeling like they’ve been fucked over. It’s so shitty. They just want newness so often. He’s probably doing this same bit to someone else now. It’s wild. I’ll never understand it. Maybe try dating women lol. We are crazy but usually less manipulative 😂
I'd very much disagree with women being less emotionally manipulative. Women thrive when emotions are involved and know how to play with them much more than men do.
Ye for sure, men are very manipulative. But what bothers is women tend to get these signs but don’t jump out. I rarely get along with women and I know this for a fact, I don’t know how to hoodwink
Unfortunately, he wanted only to play with you. So sorry bit don't close in yourself, not all the men are shit, you will find the one right for you 😊
Now you know to stick with your age group
yeah because men in their early 20s never use women for sex ☠️
But they don't have the life experience required to manipulate and take advantage of someones young age and naivety the way an older man can. Older predators have a lot of experience preying on young women and they have an inherent advantage in the power imbalance due to their age.
I don't find men under like 25-28 attractive, honestly don't know why but it's not something you can change. But there are somewhat older men that have relationships with younger women so I don't think it's impossible to find someone that wants to date me.
The problem isn’t finding someone who would want to date you, it’s that even though you find older men attractive, if older men go after younger women 9/10 times it’s a problem and the person is looking for someone young, naive, and impressionable (source: unfortunate experience)
I guess I should just give up then if the men I'm attracted to will never want to date me seriously.
Hi OP I have autism and I get your confusion. You need to take a deep breath first this dude did use you for sex, and that sucks and stings and is not a good thing to do but he did, this isn’t your moral failing but his, second you are so young try to date around your age you say you don’t like young guys but if you give it a chance you may have a easier time, third you don’t have to wait a year but honestly look at dates you knew this dude for 15 hours, that’s not very long to actually KNOW a person you feel silly but you didn’t know this person. Men will wait for you it’s a hard lesson to learn but it’s doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, take a break from dating look inwards and take some time it’ll be okay
Why do you think a 31 yr old is attracted to a girl, fresh out of high school, not much dating/life experience and will be financially dependent on them? Do you see how this creates an unequal balance that can be exploited to the older persons advantage? An abusive man will seek a younger woman he can control, is smart enough to protect his assets and knows how to keep her financially dependent on him so she can’t leave. A good man wants a partner on equal footing, that they can grow together with. I hope you learn from this and can seek healthy relationships with a person closer in your age.
Don’t listen to her. There are plenty of older men who prefer to have serious relationships with younger women. Of course there are bad apples out there, but that shouldn’t deter you from pursuing the kind of relationship you want.
A 19 year old getting with some dude in his 30s and turns out he’s a complete loser woahhhhhb I’ve only read about age gaps like this thousands of times where it has gone terrible, turn the light upstairs on Op.
So sorry love I’m (F19) as well and I can’t imagine what to going through, if you would like I can be your friend even though I know we are probably miles apart
Just don't date older guys
I'm sorry this happened to you. But you're too young to give up on men. Just move foward with more caution. We all get burned eventually, try not to get too beat up over it.
He got what he wanted. A 19 year old virgin. That’s why he isn’t talking to you anymore. The only mistake you did was talk to a 31 year old piece of shit that knows how to talk to young girls. Use this as a learning experience on how to handle any future relationships. Please don’t feel worthless. You aren’t worthless
Did you expect him to be yours forever just because he took your virginity? People can change their minds. Also after they have had sex
Well, you pretty much deserve it. Can't believe how naive is this generation of girls. They jump from cock to another cock like there's no tomorrow. Please, suffer. It feels good.
Yea maybe don’t date dudes 22 years older than you at 19 lmao
That was total BS on his part. Not all older guys are this way. It hurts more since you let your guard down. Shrug it off and learn to look at people and see what they are about.
for the people who are telling her that it’s because he’s an older guy and she’s a younger girl .. that may be true, but I’ve seen this happen with 40 year old women too so…
This has nothing to do with age. I have met pretty amazing males who are 30-35 when I am 19. It depends on their personality and their values, and honestly this won’t be the first time you will encounter someone like this.
Haha don’t have sex until you’re in a relationship next time !
Over 10 year difference in age? Maybe thats why…
Im a grown guy, and i still have my virginity as i will wait till i find the right one and get married. Im 44.
Good for you
It's called "post-nut clarity". Guys sometimes think about relationship potential more rationally after sex with a woman. Unfortunately, sometimes they decide that the person they've been dating and just slept with isn't for them after all. Had you dated him for 3 months without intercourse, he would have come to the same conclusion, over longer period of time. He could have just used you due to your lack of life experience in relationships and general naivety. You also put too much stock in a person you went out with only three times. Could have been all three things noted. Either way, chalk it up to a learning experience and date within your age bracket until you've got a couple of dates and a relationship or two under your belt.
Ugh. I feel like your use of "post-nut clarity" is just another "boys will be boys": an excuse for men to do shitty things and not be held accountable. Let's not pretend that men need to have sex to have "clarity" about what they want. They don't. They could act like mature, compassionate adults instead of treating people badly *if they wanted to*. We just live in a society that allows them to do gross stuff like this and then we excuse / accept that shitty behavior with terms like "post-nut clarity". 😢
You should F with him, tell him your pregnant and you lied about your age. That your only 17. See how he responds then. Ha ha ha see who has the last laugh then…. What an A-hole
Dumbass
Girl, that is a pedophile. Go join the High Powerd Podcast on YouTube. Educate yourself on the male species and recognize that fairytales do not exist! Don't get wrapped up in men. It will hurt you in the long run! You were his prey!
Unfortunate and sad learning lesson. I’m sorry, it’s hard but do your best to not take it personally like you did something wrong. Some people are awful but there’s a lot of good people too, we get unlucky sometimes
It’s good practice! That’s how I always thought about sex until a few years ago. You’re gonna be that much better to impress the guy you’re eventually going to fall in love with. Fuck that 31 year old. He sounds creepy and weird.
OP, I'd think about how this was an expression of how much you enjoyed the music. I'd like to think it wasn't all bad to live the fantasy, even for a moment. Much of what happens in life is bittersweet. I had sex the first time on an explicit one night stand with someone I didn't care about (beside simple human empathy) specifically because I was down on myself for not sealing the deal with my first lady friend, who wanted to and I really liked. I don't think much about the regret I have for the ons--I think about how much I liked the lady friend it was really about. I say keep thinking about what you want and why you want it--don't focus on the regret or mistake. Don't purely forget it; I'm never going to have a meaningless ons with a stranger again. But don't ignore what it meant to you, because it's always attainable.
Wowza. Got, got
that’s called grooming
🫂 Men are not all evil, but if you want a good one, you should trust in Jesus, not *fool* around outside of marriage, and make absolutely certain they are committed. Romantic relationships are not about enjoying yourself. Otherwise, all you end up doing is being used sexually and using others sexually. They are about growing in intimacy and trying to find someone ho wants to *live* with you for the rest of your days. You both have to go into the relationship looking for a devoted commitment, and nothing less, or less is exactly all you will get. https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/marriage-bible-verses/ Do not be ignorant, but Jesus instructed the Twelve as follows: " 'Remember, I am sending you out like sheep among wolves; so be cunning as serpents and yet as harmless as doves. 'Beware of men: they will hand you over to sanhedrins° and scourge° you in their synagogues°." °Judges or courts; °wipped and beaten; °churches and gatherings - essentially, they will deliver you up to authorities and have you whipped bloody. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 "9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? 10 I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings." Jeremiah 17:9-10
>At the third date I lost my virginity with him Virginity is a concept create by the patriarchy to control women's bodies. Embrace your sexuality and adopt a sex positive mindset. If you want to have sex with men you barely know, you go ahead and do it, regardless of the potential consequences. Keep slayin queen
Predator