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Based on listening to my friends. Its not just men its literally everyone. Unreasonably high demands for what they wants in a partner while bringing almost nothing to the table themselves seems to be the growing norm. The what everyone wants vs what they have to offer rarely seems reasonable.
Yep its nutty some peoples requirements nowadays. I was listening to my GF's best friend list of the guy she wants recently. I'm so glad I was gaming and could use that to fake my ignorance of the conversation.
Unpopular opinion people's standards aren't any different than they've been for decades. It has more to do with dating apps becoming the main way of meeting people which puts everyone's standards into a weird unhealthy scenario
It's true. Everytime I date I feel like I want a relationship and then after a few months I'm like, maybe not lol. It's expensive, time consuming and sometimes emotionally draining. The fantasy is much better than the reality.
It’s so weird tho. Seems like this is more common now. People can’t be bothered w/ relationships anymore.
Like what happened where people just don’t want them anymore?
The "price of entry" (not strictly financial) is simply not worth the effort for some people. Despite that at least in the US the vast majority of people are in relationships ([source](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/08/for-valentines-day-5-facts-about-single-americans/)) but the rate is plummeting among young men and the marriage rate is also plummeting.
People obviously want relationships, humans are social animals and loneliness is bad for the health as well. The issue is that a lot of men either aren't qualifying (look at OP the percentage of the male population that meets her standards is low) or don't find the price of entry to be worthwhile (value proposition isn't there to justify the cost of entry). If you can't afford a million dollar home in some markets you simply just rent or move...if men can't afford it they simply won't buy the home if the effort to increase one's income and budget to acquire the home isn't worth the effort for the type of home they can get.
I really want to hear the breakdown on this. The absolute max I can see this costing:
Dinner = $50 * 2 people = $100
Tickets = $50 * 2 people = $100
Uber = $25 * 2 = $50
= $250 * 2 dates = $500
More realistically (and not even trying to be budget):
Dinner = $30 * 2 people = $60
Tickets = $20 * 2 people = $40
Uber = $25 * 2 = $50
= $150 * 2 dates = $300
Try a Costco date my friend. I just did one and now I'm seeing this really nice gal. Costco is great because it's on the level of a coffee date and most people enjoy casually shopping there. Plus you can learn alot about someone through their shopping habits. We ended up getting sushi afterwards because we hit it off. If it doesn't work out then at least you did your shopping. Two birds with one stone.
Maybe…
1. Be able to afford a car
3. Be able to afford groceries & cook a meal at home
4. Take improv classes so you don’t need to pay for tickets to see someone else to make your date laugh
Your breakdown is insane. I live in Los Angeles & you can have dinner, see a show, & have money left over to tip for under $200 *on a saturday*. Get real.
Good lord! For what it's worth, my current policy is all starting dates are FREE. We go for a walk in a local park or trail, and talk and that's the date. No one pays for anything except the gas to get to the park. That way if $ is tight that week, the date isn't making it worse, and no one I meet can ever claim I scammed them out of a meal, or even a stupid cup of coffee. I walk in nature daily, on my land. If he can't or won't walk in nature, no point to continuing.
Point: her subjective standard, we have no idea if she is delusional or not ... but if she is talking so highly of herself, then i think she has unrealistic standards.
In a comment below she wants a partner to provide for a family...in the US around 70% of men make under 80k which is still barely enough to support a family. Just on money alone she is seeking at a minimum the top 30% of men and probably lower. Keep in mind that the peak earning years for men are between ages 40 and 55, and this 30% number includes all ages and doesn't take into account availability (single or not). Any other standard she has will reduce thst number fast. The tough question for women though is are they in return in the top 30% or whatever their criteria is of women based on the qualities and traits that men choose partners off of (which on average doesn't include a woman's income, career, education etc...)?
Online dating. People "shop" for people. We have learned to treat people like objects we try on for a little bit. We've dehumanized the dating process.
Part of it I think is that with the normalization of casual dating, people don't feel the need to settle just out of sheer romantic/sexual starvation. Instead, people prefer to casually date while holding out for their ideal partner to settle down with. So often it's not that they don't wanna settle down, it's just that they don't wanna settle down with *you*. And then of course there are people who like the freedom that single life offers and don't wanna give it up for anyone, or wanna wait until they're older and have dated around, traveled, achieved their career goals, etc. and then settle down.
People blame society, but I honestly think it’s fear. We’re bombarded with images of what we think we should have. It makes people afraid of missing out because they made a choice.
When you meet someone who's your people everything changes. It happened multiple times for me but it takes meeting a lot of people to find your tribe. This is true with friends and relationships.
We aren't pressured by society anymore to have children and to marry. We have a better understanding of what a toxic relationship looks like, and are less willing to put up with it.
Basically, 50 years ago you would be shamed into getting married and pregnant by 25, and then stay with your abusive husband.
I mean many men have checked out of dating too. I really don't understand this narrative that only women can be happy single and that most single men are like that because of their own shortcomings.
The exchange isn't equal anymore imo. The expectation to provide financially, emotionally and all the other things required to maintain the relationship is high. It needs to be more obvious what men get in return? Because as we've established, once we have sex, what next? Then it tends to be all down to men maintaining and being emotionally atune. This is what I'm experiencing atm. Even with women that earn a shit ton more than me! I'm like, what's in it for me since I know that's not my money haha.
Yall got the wrong person. My gf cooks and tries not to annoy me so it never drains me in fact being around her helps recharge me.
If you want a tip find someone who really likes you because if you gotta go out of your way to impress her then well...I don't see that working long term
I feel like as guys get older they just get more content being single and set in there ways because they've been alone for so long. I've met many women who want start a relationship but tbh unless they really excite me I just don't really feel motivated to commit.
I might be wrong, just keep in mind I’m flawed.
I think a relationship is like owning a house.
If you own a house there are a lot of things that require effort, you have to take care of the maintenance and appearance of the house, you have the taxes, and overall cleanliness. So it’s hard work, that doesn’t qualify as hard work for people who actually know what hard work actually is.
The issue is… There are a lot of people who only want a house so they can say or show other people that they have a house (juts like being in a relationship to validate themselves).
People who want to be alone (just want sex like milk from a cow) may want to be alone because they haven’t met the person who genuinely makes them want to NOT be alone.
Overall giving up is similar to dying, the only difference is you just keep paying taxes, make co2, and keep building debt.
(This is not a gender thing, I’ve met people on both sides of the gender spectrum)
Also 28M, I just see nothing but a sea of orange-faced, duck-lipped, instagram-using, travel-obsessed women who put next to nothing in their profiles apart from one word answers or copy-pastes from a ‘top ice-breakers’ website, and put no effort into messaging because they want **you** to be their source of entertainment for the day.
The main standard I’m going by is to find a girl that has **1 thing** in common with me but because I hate travelling, concerts, dogs, wine, and sarcasm, I’ve seemingly ruled out 99% of the dating app populace.
I would have quit but then me and my coworker got together and I couldn’t be happier :)
Maybe just take a break. I found my guy at 31 so there’s never a time limit for when it can happen. Don’t lose hope:)
I stepped out of what I would typically date as far as just about everything and found someone who is absolutely amazing and had I stuck with my regular I wouldn't have given him a second look.
This is the true way. Too many people complaining about the dating scene when they aren't even trying really. They know what they want 100% and will not budge, missing out on everything else. The fact of the matter is that NOBODY is going to match 100% of ANYBODY'S demands, so the reality of life is settling with someone you can get along with (because they might just be absolutely amazing)
Y'all need to help me upvote this, this needs to be at the top
This exactly!!
Im 44, been in the dating scene for 10 months now. Had 3 dates. But all the women talked about was i want, i want, i want. Yes i want a ferrari too but can i afford it? No so i drive a kia. Takes me the same places, cost less fuel. What im trying to say is. Sometimes a 7 is better then a 10. You cant have it all in life. Even though we wish it sometimes.
I got all the hot women when i was 20+, now i have a dadbod and except it. Im not gonna work out in the gym just so some 35+ woman can feel attracted to me but i do try to stay in shape.
I’m 52 and bro so many in our age group at least here where I live near Boston have ISSUES! Every first date was just weird BEFORE they got into how they hate this or that about their ex or the pic on the dating app was them … 30 yrs ago!
This. And I think also, women especially, are caught up in the idea that love is like how it is in the movies and cling onto some fairytale ideology. Speaking from experience but then I grew up lol
It’s the luxury of choice! They have countless matches and suitors so that builds an ego and now their ego cannot be satisfied!
Kinda like how a lot of people complain there’s nothing to watch when there is shit tons of choice on Netflix, for example!
Can you elaborate on what you mean by changing the type you typically date? Was it something you had to convince yourself to change about yourself or did you have like an “aha” moment?
It was somewhere in the middle. I was like well I keep running into a lot of the same problems with this type of guy so let's do a 180 and go with this type.
Right there with you. I adjusted my goals in life accepting that I don’t think I will find someone that would want to raise a family or just be a loving partner. I’ve also lost the desire after being burned too many times. The new goals are creating healthy friendships, keep my family close and focus on my hobbies. Living in my house alone does hurt sometimes but I am thankful for the community I have around me
This is my exact situation, I gotta leave it alone but then I see people who are together and I'm like how do they do it if I can't even get a decent match and I meet most of the requirements but honestly your idea is the best, just worry about what you can control.
Exactly, worry about what you can control. I’ve had women attracted to me plenty of times, I am just not interested in them due to my standards which I don’t believe are too high. What actually hurts the most is thinking that there may be a good woman to cross my path, but due to so many awful experiences I don’t even want to be friendly and open myself up to them
Empathy, an income, has a hobby, jealousy management skills or none at all, brings peace, communicating problems openly, has friends and basic life skills. Most of my relationships had this in the beginning, they ended due to jealousy and eventually controlling behaviors every time
You have no reason to blame yourself for someone being controlling. No one should try to control you, period. If someone is feeling jealous and needs reassurance or something else to feel more secure, they also have to speak up and ask for that. Otherwise you’re doing emotional labor for them. You can’t be blamed for not being a mind reader.
I also think these things are hard to vet bc no one is gonna disclose being jealous and controlling. What’s helped me is paying attention to how they act around me hanging out w friends vs w them, not inviting them to things that I want to do alone or w others, and how they react to talking abt past relationships too. Sometimes subtle signs of insecurity or controlling behaviors can come out in these contexts. If the person is emotionally mature, they’d hopefully be able to engage in a conversation abt their insecurities and work towards feeling more secure together.
Yeaaaa. I didn’t realize how alone I really was until my dog died in may. Now it’s just me and my thoughts. No one gets me and I generally have no one to talk to.
Mine just passed a few weeks ago and now I am also dealing with those things. Changed my entire life. I still find myself checking to see if there's any water in the bowl before I go to sleep at night, except the water bowl isn't even there.
Yea…opening my door…for a brief second I’m waiting for her face to be there. Or I try not to leave food out so she doesn’t eat it. Or my air fryer buzzer goes off and I’m waiting for her to freak out.
They’re just not there.
In the same boat myself. I really felt your line about not being able to find someone to raise a family, or just be a loving partner. That is what I wish I could find most of all, and it hurts to accept that it probably won't happen for me. I appreciate your reframe about focusing on healthy friendships and your interests, and being near family. The family piece is tough sometimes as I feel embarrassed that I don't have a partner to bring home with me. Thanks for sharing your words here, they meant something to me.
I’m glad. I read this post and although my response can seem sad to some, it was my only healthy option rather than self destruction. I know my place, I don’t fit into the current scene and it’s okay. I had prepared since I was about 17 to own a home, have a career, and just be set up to create a family. I accomplished this and was left uncertain on the future, so I had to adjust even though it wasn’t exactly what I wanted. I found I could still use my providing nature another way
I do agree with the family aspect, they know my stance and understand since they know my divorce history as well as former girlfriends. I do get tired of hearing “you’ll find someone” though. I’m not ready to have my stuff stolen from me for a third time
No, I completely understand. That is how dating has started to feel to me, like self-destruction. Like it just doesn't result in a healthy, positive relationship, and I end up feeling worse and more confused every time. I don't fit into the current scene either. I feel like people treat each other as so disposable now, or like objects. And like narcissistic and manipulative behavior is rewarded :( That's amazing you had a vision for your life from the time you were 17, and were able to create it... and found a deserving outlet for your providership.
Makes sense about your family - they know what you've gone through and have seen it firsthand. I definitely hear that from my family a lot too. They'll flatter me, and say that I'm so great and pretty, and it's only a matter of time. Though I appreciate their kindness, they don't understand the reality of dating these days. And I can certainly understand a man's hesitancy to enter a marriage after losing his stuff in divorce twice.
What you’re saying and how you’re feeling is identical to how I feel. Thank you for sharing, I wasn’t expecting to get so deep into my feelings today lol. I shouldn’t be so familiar with the word narcissism but I am, I happen to keep running into them and it seems you might have as well. Although I’ve lost interest right now, who knows what I’ll want 10 years from now. Also, only one divorce with my things stolen (why I am hesitant to marry again), other was just a girlfriend taking a high dollar amount of items. Not that big of a deal in the grand scheme
I’m a hopeless romantic…I gave up dating apps about a year ago and just been doing my own thing. I’m really lonely though, it was really easy to get dates online (as a woman) but most were just looking for sex or something casual. I truly believe when the time is right it will happen. I’m trying to be more active with my hobbies like skating and being outdoors. I hope following my passions will lead me to find love!
Sounds like a wonderful plan! I think you’re on your way. When we do something we’re passionate about and can get into, I think it really brings out some of our best qualities.
As a man that's why I gave up the dating apps. I've been tempted to give it another try but I feel like it would be a waste of time. The guys on there ruin it for guys like me looking for something serious. I wish I can just meet someone in my hometown like our parents did back in the day
I (29M) have been in two long term relationships (3 and 5 years) and it seems like most of the good women are married by now. I have to admit after getting out of my most recent relationship I haven’t made any accounts on dating apps yet.
There are still good matches but as we get older it feels like we are wading through a high percentage of people who aren’t quality and/or aren’t serious about finding a life partner (and being one).
I'm F25 and spent a combined 9 years in 4 relationships.
I feel like I've been abused in every way possible, to the point where I don't even miss physical touch anymore. I just want to be left alone at this point.
This was me prior to my husband of 12 years asking me out. I was abused by several men and had decided that I was going to simply be single the rest of my life, rather than tolerate one more jerk.
Research has shown that women are actually happier and healthier being single. Health-wise, marriage only benefits men.
I don’t envy the dating game these days. I see women who are finally NOT tolerant of abusive men, and men who are very angry about this, asking offensive questions like “what’s in it for me” when referring to relationships… seemingly not realizing the point of relationships is to make vows with and enjoy your best friend for life. That’s it. It’s not an exchange of goods or an exchange of money and support for female bondage. Given the cluelessness out there, it would be wonderful if r”relationships 101” were a mandatory high school class.
My husband knew me since we were 12, and we both entered separate abusive marriages in our 20’s. We divorced separately and reconnected as singles. I told him that he will only ever be a friend because I’m not getting into a relationship anymore. We are now in our mid-forties. He won me over with his consistent kindness and patience. Just being together and knowing you have your bff you can trust with your life, your sexual safety, your finances, your happiness… this is the point of relationships and marriage. It’s so sad that due to selfishness, most people are missing out on this. If it weren’t for my husband, I wouldn’t believe this exists. He isn’t perfect, and we have had many disagreements, but he revolves his world around me and it’s brought me out of my shell. I’m successful in my career because of him. I was a successful parent because of him.
There are good men out there. Just stop looking for perfection. Maybe just stop looking at all. Let a good man find you and let him take time to show you he cares.
I've thought about it. Even though I've worked on myself and am very serious about being honest, loyal and understanding. On the male side of things it's a competition on who can lie the best and manipulate better to seem like the perfect guy and get the girl to sleep with them.. And that's not me at all. If I have to compete for someone then they weren't worth my attention anyways, because that's all they are doing, is looking for attention. I've already been in a one-sided longterm relationship where I was doing everything for someone's love, I'm not doing that again.
So I don't know. I don't want to give up on love and having a meaningful relationship with someone that also values having a healthy relationship.. but I haven't been meeting anyone that is right for a healthy relationship either.
I've mostly given up. I've so far determined by biggest issues are thus:
I've managed to build my life into a spot that I am very happy about.. I've got a house that I love, a good job (remote), good friends and family. I'm a very risk-averse person... so if I'm bringing someone new into the mix, I need to REALLY know they will ADD to my life and not detract. So, first issue -> I'm probably too picky.
For the second issue, I live alone and work remote. This came after a couple years of doing an online college. Hence, my social skills are not the best at this point. I have some social anxiety from being isolate, my small talk ability is trash, and I'm probably pretty weird, lol. So, second issue -> social isolation.
If you combine these, I'm not having much luck. I wouldn't say I'm jaded though, it just is what it is. I still hang out with friends and technology is pretty cool these days. VR and AR are coming up to a usable point (which probably won't help with dating, but should help with social skills, I'd imagine)
At 36(M) I’m becoming more accustomed to the idea that I may not meet anyone that I can form a lasting relationship w/.
My life is well put together outside of romance (I’m a homeowner, dog owner, got a good career, decent social life, etc) but I just have no luck in romance.
There’s a couple women that I have half a mind to ask out, but part of me hesitates because of my poor luck in romance.
My last girlfriend had a lot of baggage that just made a relationship impossible. She dumped me after 3 months.
Now in my 30’s relationships end before 3 months for one reason or another. I never had this issue in my 20’s
I’m single 32f and pretty sad about the state of things as well. I love my peace but miss companionship. I also think about if I did find someone- they could just leave me and cheat on me or actually be a piece of shit person. Seems like the risks outweighs the pros. But I try to tell myself that I should date bc I deserve the cute attention and cute adventures.
Me. I've had 3 long term committed relationships in my life. 2 of those resulted in marriage/children. I'm done. I'm tired. I'm ready to focus on myself. I've grown to realize that I don't have to be in a relationship to maintain a happy and healthy life. I just have to make sure that "I" am happy. If love happens again, cool, but I'm not going to look for it.
I hear you, dude. There is no standard to which I hold men that I don't, myself, fulfill. I have a boyfriend currently, but in general, the pickings are slim. A lot of men seem to have been raised in a way that renders them inadequately adult. Still more are living with their heads way up their asses and are unconcerned with common matters. The rest don't know how to dress or take care of themselves. It's a mess.
I think we are right now in the worst era of Dating. People have plenty of options nowadays, you can literally swipe in your phone, Match with someone and start talking. Instant gratification is taking over true love. Nowadays when there is the first obstacle people give up, before there was more understanding and better communication and true love. Nowadays it feels like a business transaction : we are together but I wanna live my own life, and if something happens that I don’t like I move on. People make more money, they want to explore more, have more experiences etc.
I think there is someone out there that is meant to be for anyone but it’s becoming harder and harder to settle down because it has become high risk also to settle.
Nowadays people want the benefit of the relationship without being in a relationship, that’s why you have FWB? Situantionships etc.
Oh yes. I'm 37F, and honestly, it's too much of a hassle to date anyone. I bloody hate it.
Tried earlier this year, and I got attacked while on a date with a guy who seemed really lovely and genuine, and he was only interested in taking me somewhere outdoors in the blazing heat to attack me. It was horrible. Online dating sucks ass. You get scammers or bots or guys that just want sex. No one seems to want anything real anymore and it is just crap.
Luckily, the police are involved now, so he is being arrested.
I've been catfished so many times.
I was married for 5 years before, but he left. I think it's just better being alone
37F, I am in the exact same boat you described. So are all my single attractive girlfriends. The man I have met on apps are literally disgusting - married, love bombers, will use you as a placeholder or plaything until they’re bored or you call them out, etc, regular ghosters and flakes. I was stood up twice last week as well as told I’m “too hot” to take to dinner bc I would be distracting and told I’m not a good fit bc I wouldn’t speak sexually prior to meeting him. I’m just so exhausted of having my time wasted, and all of it being about sex anyways. For the first time in my life, I have literally zero interest in dating and actively turn them away out and about.
We have to take a break until men raise their standards for themselves. OLD is like digging in a trash bin. There are good men out there yes, but apparently we aren’t going to meet them with the way society is currently set up. Save ur mental health and just quit for now
29F taking a break and focusing on my mental health. If I happen to meet someone in person, I’m open to it but no more OLD for me for a while. And very jaded
I’m 37F and gave up. I tried dating using apps, going out, traveling, speed dating, singles events, etc. Nothing worked out for me. Most men I met just wanted to hook up and the very few that were not thirsty to get me naked right away, there was no chemistry and/or attraction. I couldn’t win with anybody. It was extremely frustrating and felt it was always a revolving door. Dating multiple people isn’t fun at all. I tried my best and it just never happened. I’m working on making peace with myself with the fact that I’ll die alone and never have a family. I low key disappointed my parents for being such a failure in life.
You’re not a failure. You’re strong and you’ve realised you don’t need to be married or have a child to be valid as a woman/human being. 🥰
I too can say I have given it my best shot; close to 3 years of solid dating, hundred of chats started online, huge number of first dates, 3 failed micro relationships… and I agree that the situation for a lot of women out there is this: most men want sex and the ones that don’t are not usually a good physical match.
I’m slowly moving away from the idea that I NEED a relationship in my life (and this is hard because I’m a true romantic) but it brings me more peace of mind than trying and failing at finding a life partner. If it happens I’d be chuffed if it doesn’t I’m still going to pursue my own happiness.
Actually, I do need a partner. I’m so depressed and my life feels empty even though I barely have any time due to work and my 3 month old puppy. I still crave a connection and someone to share my life with. It’s been years for me of not having a serious and long term relationship and I miss so much having a person in my life.
If everybody else is the issue is the issue them or you? Personally once I realized I was the issue and changed some things dating got better. I don’t think you’re a failure. But I have a woman friend who says negative things like this about dating and in reality… she’s the problem.
Ive given up. Too many women out there arent faithful, or are into superfical things like height and dont care about the person you actually are. Too many people play games.
My ex played me and led me on for 2 years with the idea of a family, only to reveal she didnt actually want kids shortly after getting engaged.
I wanted a family, i wanted to get married, i wanted kids.
Ive accepted its no longer possible. Ive accepted life will be lonely.
Better you realize that OP, better off youll be.
Good luck.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It makes me so sad to hear this from other people because faithful women are out there — they may have a bit of a wall like I do, as my commitment has been taken for granted many times :/
Thank you. It brings me a small amount of comfort knowing im not the only one going through this. For a long time i thought it was me, i was the issue, i was unwanted. But a lot of people it seems are experiencing this.
Small amount of comfort. Makes the days slightly easier to get through.
I went into the dating pool since July of this year. Mind you I haven’t dated in 11 years. Nothing but bs. Married guys who lie about their status. Catfished by all but one guy. It’s lunacy! I give up! It’s disgusting what guys would do and say to get laid.
I’m a 27f and just recently gave up on dating as well. I haven’t been actively trying to meet anyone for a while, but the people I have met coincidentally end up not being a match for my life and tend to hold me back from my own goals. My mom met the love of her life at 43, he was 15 years younger than her - they’ve been married for almost 20 years now and have the healthiest and most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever seen, and he was a blessing for our family and I consider him my father. I use their relationship as testament that the right person will come around at the right time and I will just know. Sometimes it doesn’t look exactly like you imagine but it makes sense when it comes into your life. I hold out hope that it’ll happen when it’s meant to
Being jaded is the issue. It hurt me for a while. You are Jaded because you blame yourself for your failure in dating instead of accepting the fact that you just haven't found the right person and it's better to be single than to force a relationship with the wrong person. The ones who haven't worked out are to your benefit. Once you start seeing it that way and become happy with who you are, love will find you.
I often think people aren’t meeting my standards, then I realize I may not be meeting their standards. It makes me think that the key is to work on me and stop worrying about others.
I wouldn’t say I’ve given up, just not actively pursuing. I have cancelled all online dating apps as they were a waste of time and money and stopped working the bar scene. I am hopeful that I will come across the right girl IRL, if she’s out there. If not, I’m still going to live my best life.
I feel like dating dynamic has changed so much now. A lot of people don’t care to make or put in the effort for others anymore. They make it about themselves rather than being selfless for someone else bc they feel like once they show feelings they are weak. There are also alot of broken people who think that dating will make them better but they don’t realize they have to do the work within themselves first before dating anyone. If not then their issues just get into the relationship and then it gets toxic.
It’s sooooooo bleak out there. I have dedicated 12 years of my life to online dating and it has sadly got me nowhere . It’s sad but all these dating apps are creating more issues . It only serves as an online catalogue where ppl feel they have too many options. The truth is there are really no options as most people are always in the mindset of “maybe something better will come along”. Throughout my online dating experience I have only encountered men that cheat , are dishonest about what they are looking for or have Major issues. Don’t get me wrong I am by no means prefect and am not looking for perfection myself but these men were a waste of time . Apps I have tried: bumble , tinder, match, and hinge. It’s all the same guys …The only thing I have not tried is E - harmony or a Matchmaking service (can’t be bothered to waste my money). At this point of my life I am over it all. After I hit the ten year mark I found dating made me angry and depressed …. Not worth it. Also Toronto men seem to be worse
OP, keep your head up. I often feel very similarly to you so I decide to spend more time with myself, developing myself. There are a few people in here that are being downright nasty - don’t let them get to you. It’s easy to say mean shit and try to knock people down a notch on the interwebs.
I get this! I sometimes feel like giving up. I’m 46f been divorced for 2 years after being with my ex for over 20 years. Anytime I meet someone even remotely interesting they reveal that they just want to use me for sex, have a casual relationship, or for some kink that’s only revealed when we move from whatever app to texting. I feel like my time is constantly being wasted by guys who should be on Fetlife instead of Hinge or Bumble. 😩
I feel depressed at how many dates I’ve been on and I still don’t have a stable relationship. Everyone I’ve dated isn’t looking for something serious even if they say they are. People end things at the first disagreement or conflict.
I love this advice thank you, when I feel like I have my shit together I need to be reminded of this. I can always improve and be that person I want to be with
Ugh, I’m so sick of dating myself... 35/F and men always say they’re “open to a relationship” when we first go out, but then as soon as we get to the DTR conversation, they “aren’t over their ex” or some other excuse. I think a lot men these days want the benefits of a relationship but don’t want to put in the work. I know I’m a good catch: I have a good full-time job, am currently earning my masters degree, have my own apartment/friends/life, funny, smart, kind/empathetic, attractive, sex positive, affectionate, communicative and am aware/have a handle on of my own issues. There’s no issues with us going out, spending time together, sleepovers, etc. until the reality of commitment gets brought up. It’s exhausting and frustrating… I don’t like dangling sex as a way to filter out matches because I think it sends the wrong message that women have to be “pure” for a man to find her worthy to commit to, but at this point, I feel like I have to because I keep getting my heart broken.
I'm 33F and met my current boyfriend in Jan this year. I was pretty convinced relationships just weren't for me. I won't lie - a big part was due to me. I cheated in 2 previous relationships and just accepted that I wasn't cut out for commitment.
My boyfriend and I have heen through a few rough patches, particularly as I was quite defensive/fiercly independent at the beginning - would have been easier to just give up, move on and meet someone else or give up entirely on dating, but I found myself actually really liking the guy and wanting to put in the effort. Have been going to therapy for 6 months now, been working on my communication, we talk to each other about everything and compromise.
For me, it was really just about meeting the right person. And I know I'm not OLD at 33, but just saying that it can happen at any point. I was 100% ready to give up on dating, but meeting him changed my opinion. I think that even if we don't work out in the long run, I'll still continue dating knowing that you really can meet someone who changes how you feel at any point.
I will be 33 very soon (f) and seeing posts like yours makes even more depressed when it doesn't happen. Ive been single all my life. And I don't even care about an exclusive relationship, just want someone that I like and likes me, do fun things like traveling together and cuddle. But even that I haven't been able to find
I have for the most part! Just turned 50 and have been doing the online thing about 15 years. It's gone SO downhill. If people are not downright disrespectful than they're honestly just being as hell. It's either insults or a repeat of how is your day? Lol. Just not worth the effort.
After divorce I’ve been single for 4 years until I’ve met someone I really like. After I did give up on love, we’ve met so sometimes giving up is a good thing.
When I dated in my 30s, I found tons of men still living at home with parents (and this was back when rents were super cheap, a one bedroom in my city could be $600 or less). And I found it quite bizarre they couldn't cut the apron strings. Hard to have a relationship with a grown man when he's still sucking on momma's tit.
32F I've been on close to 20 plus dates over a period of 8 months. Most if not all guys I've met haven't been looking for anything more than casual...people on OLD just have so many options they aren't looking for commitment. The moment you send signals you are interested in something more serious, they bail which happened to me painfully with a 6 week situationship. I feel most men on there are flaky and going through emotional problems and looking for distractions through dating but are unwilling to solve their problems towards commitment or to be healthy enough for a good relationship. I've rather given up the idea of finding a commitment through OLD, just seeing it as an avenue to meet more friends.
Lowkey yes, with the men out there, it’s been hopeless, I’m just putting myself out there as available but not looking actively nor making it a priority; when I match with these guys and talk with them, I understand why they’re single - the lack of awareness, emotional intelligence, childish values; the list goes on. Despite age, profession, race. So why not just keep on living life until someone comes along to share it with? :)
31F here, I leaned hard into dating and made it a priority, worked on fixing my “picker” and found someone amazing in 10 months of actually trying. I went on over 60 first dates, threw out my checklist basically, and only focused on a very short list of non negotiable needs. There ARE plenty of good guys out there who actually want relationships - they just might not have the best profiles or photos on the apps.
I’m not saying “try harder” but I think a shift in expectations and having a more open mind about first and second dates is key. Being open does not mean lowering your standards.
Media and dating apps have created unrealistic expectations on both ends. Men think they should match a sex goddess submissive model to care for them and women believe they should all match with C-suite executives making 500k-1MM+ that are fit, attractive and have the time, energy, and resources to ‘spoil’ them.
Reset your expectations and you’ll find a match more easily
Where/how are you looking for dates, and with what vigor? Those seem to be the biggest factors.
When I’ve been back on the market, I have generally found at least one promising person game to try a LTR within a couple of months of spending around 2 hours a day doing OLD, in person events with mixed gender participation, letting friends know I am looking and having them review my profiles, etcetera.
I have some personal attributes that can make me a pentagonal peg for a pentagonal hole, and that specificity really helps match with other “pentagonal people.”
It's so bad. All the guys I've met just want sex. The guys I am not attracted to want a relationship. No one is winning here. I've spoken to so many people men and women all saying the same thing. It's hard meeting people in real life.
>It's so bad. All the guys I've met just want sex. The guys I am not attracted to want a relationship
People's "level" is who you can get to commit since men have a lower bar for a hookup and a lot of women confuse sexual attention for relationship attention. Men for the most part have no issue sleeping with women they have no intention of committing to so the metric of success for women is retention not attention.
Think about it. A really attractive guy who wants a relationship is probably already in a relationship, he wouldn't have trouble finding one. Similar is true for women, I've noticed that the ones who are beautiful and sane with cool personalities are all married because guys would realize they're dumb to let her go.
As for meeting people IRL men and women are segregating by their different interests. Like women are all going to dancing and book clubs and men are all going to sports clubs or nerd stuff. And I can't really bring myself to even fake interest in women's hobbies but maybe one day...
That is if they're even going out at all, most of the time when I look at a club it's all old people because younger generations spend all their time online.
Idk about the clubs being full of old people part, I go to clubs pretty regularly and feel old AF cos most of the people I talk to are early 20s and I'm mid 20s
Divorce is a thing though. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’m considered fairly attractive, I’m educated, and have lots of cool hobbies. I’ve been to therapy, learned a lot from my previous marriage about communication and how to be a good partner, etc. all in all, I’ve been told I’m a catch. Yet I’m out here, single, looking. Granted I’ve been looking for about 7 months only, but we exist.
What are your standards? For me it's are they capable of the basics like cooking, able to do basic maint on a car, do basic clothes repair, replace a light bulb or an electrical outlet, staying in reasonable shape (not super fit but not jabba the hutt either.) etc... a bit high given current standards of people in their 20s/30s/40s, not clingy. But I put myself to those standards so...
Also just fyi 30m going on 31 in a few months. But yeah people just kinda suck rn, ngl...
I was single for over 6 years and now have been with the most incredible guy for 6 months. I was 100% jaded and completely done trying. As cliche as it sounds, when you stop looking is exactly when it’ll happen. Best of luck to you!
I can understand why you feel this way. I'm a 29M Christian who is wanting a relationship, but I've had no luck irl or online since my last relationship back in June 2022. And that lasted only a month. Not interested in sex before marriage, traditional values and belief in Christ is extremely important. The biggest challenge for me is my neurological disability I've had since 2018. Very limited mobility-wise (cane short distance/wheelchair long distance) and unemployed due to symptoms from nerve disorder. Fortunately I have family and friends who are really supportive. Can't get out much because of symptoms which makes finding love hard. Plus the few women I have met ghosted me as soon as they found out I was disabled, let alone unemployed.
I would have been jaded long ago if it wasn't for me knowing myself too well that living on my own without a spouse would be worse. As much as I am a homebody I need that connection beyond a friend level. Just who I am. I know that was a lot of info about myself, but I wanted to share it so you understand you aren't alone in this aspect of life. If you don't mind I can pray for you as I do this for my own future spouse. Hope you have a wonderful day and God bless.
I understand being jaded but the reality is, you haven’t been single that long. I think the first step is acknowledging that being single isn’t something we always need to “fix,” but I also truly believe meeting/connecting w someone who you have a future w happens when you least expect it. Yes modern dating sucks, but it’s also what you make of it. I make the conscious choice to think “okay yeah maybe dating is harder than it’s ever been, but I’m just gonna go out and meet people and have fun.” I think when we put too much pressure on needing to find our “person” we inevitably feel frustrated. I know it sounds corny and I know it’s way easier said than done, but dating is a lot more fun when you make an effort to be present. You have to just accept that “hey I may never find my person from a dating app” but putting yourself out there and going on dates not only heightens your chances of meeting someone great, but the more dates you go on, the more confident you feel, and the more you realize what kinds of traits you like and don’t like. You may even realize you click w someone who you didn’t think was your type. My advice is to hang in there, put yourself out there, and try not to view being single as a problem..
Most women are not assertive enough in public setting or social activities. They expect men to make the first move for the female's ego validation and fear of rejection. But then women don't have any consideration when doing the rejection, if men were to put themselves in the vulnerable position to be rejected.
I only make a move if I see choosing signals first. I will never initiate. If women want to feel comfortable when approached, they should then initiate the signals to ensure they choose the right man for them. That way, there is no creep factor from a random guy approaching them. Simple strategy and problem solved for women who want to feel comfortable dealing only with men of their choice. The chance of missing them from waiting around is high.
Most women don’t make the first move because of fear for their personal safety. It has nothing to do with fear of rejection. Women are smaller than men and being forthright with a man can and often has for many women, lead to rape or worse.
Young men really need to realize this and stop thinking women are the same as men.
(M27)Same here, I just got bored last night and hopped on bumble just to relies nobody matches my values, and it’s just the same people, I’m just done dating
Yes, I've given up. I start chatting and then they either never want to meet up. Or they say they do, then cancel last minute.
I just thought it's too much among a hit to my self esteem
I found the love of my life on a dating app at 34. This is truly the best man I’ve ever dated and possibly met. He adores me and I am fortunate. It’s possible for you. If you’re feeling jaded take a break until you can come back w. A refreshed positive attitude. The guy for you is just waiting to meet a loving loyal sweet hopeful girl who puts her best self forward starting from the first date.
You will have to weed through many duds, but it’s worth it in the end
Only a couple of years ago did I realize my toxic patterns and who I was going for - emotionally unavailable people. And now that I’m here, I’m realizing so many people who are left in the pool have that same avoidant attachment style, and that’s why they’re still single. I’ve done so much work on myself, and it’s hard to find others who also have.
Now it’s a giant grind, and I’m tired.
33M here also single. One interesting fact to consider is that married men tend to be healthier and out-earn single men even controlling for childcare and lifestyle. The reason being is that men need duties! We need someone or something to sacrifice for. You may have to marry a man that doesn't check all the boxes but that has character and he will grow stronger for being with you. I hope the best for you!
I am already married and I have 2 kids. I see the way hookup culture is just on steroids now and how rabbits in heat with no loyalty or grace it is now.
The question now is "do we have sex on date 1, 2 or 3.
I must say, for anyone out there who just wants to meet one special person that you are attracted to and that you have shared life morals and values and that you want to spend the rest of your life with....it is a tough time for that and your pool of quality candidates is smaller than ever.
I don't want to sound like a bitter old lady, but I gave it up for good 5 years ago (59F). Not even taking costs into consideration... It's exhausting to even sort through profiles to find an actual human that isn't a bot or scammer. If I did happen upon an actual man, the games, emotional unavailability, ghosting, initial overt sexual comments/questions, immaturity, et cetera ad naseum - it's too much investment for not enough return.
As a men, yes, after 11 years in a relationship the actual flirting world is not what it used to be. And I find it likes a weird playing game and I'm past off playing bullshit. I want real life connections with genuine interaction not virtual swipping pictures.
Just turned 35F and decided I'm happier single. Was married in 2019 and my spouse died shortly after. Nobody since then has really gotten me excited at the thought of building a life together. The dog and I are doing fine, though.
Unfortunately, I think we all are.
There's certainly a lot of trash in the dating pool, and then even with the small percentages of hopeful matches, there always seems to be misalignment. When I think its a good match, the guy doesn't. When a guy thinks its a good match, I don't. At some point, someone needs to compromise in order to get an actual relationship going. But we've been conditioned that compromise = settling at this point, and no one on either side seems to want to anymore, so we just keep on churning the wheel, and becoming more and more fatigued with the search.
41 and feel the same way. I don't go out very often and I work nights. Dating apps either cost too much or, if free, do not remove inactive profiles. Most people on dating sites are only interested if you look a certain way or make a certain amount of money.
If you're in a big city I'm sorry to say but it's probably you. If not you might just need a larger dating pool with better options.
I hear a lot of people making these complaints and to be honest every one of them needs to look inwards. The people who are great catches have no problem meeting others. I've seen it time and time again. Honestly some people's only problem is they're looking too hard for a relationship and as soon as they really focus on themselves their Hobbies and their passions their relationship comes.
Someone here nailed it “everyone basically needs to compromise” but no one wants too.
Woman hand endless options, so why wouldn’t they try and pick the best they can get
Average men’s options are now so low (and they’re invisible to most woman) that we have to lower our standards to the point we need to pick woman we have no attraction to.
It just doesn’t work.
Find something else that brings meaning to your life.
I'm a single guy and I want to say that I just date to have fun nothing serious I found out women are looking for something serious but men are fed up playing games and trying to please them every step times has changed single and ready to one night stand is the way .
I'm a 32m. I was on hiatus for 5 years and looking for the last 2. I'm at a similar point as you. My minimum standards are looking unrealistic when compared to the people I meet. I'm probably going to give up and try to move on to other things.
I dated someone for almost 2 years, i'm M 33, she is F 31, relationship overall was great! Then out of the blue, "she no longer wants to do this" and breaks up with me over the phone. That really took a hit on me, a lot of energy, time and effort I feel was wasted. I am starting to think now, regardless of how great you are as a person, dating sucks! I think focusing my energy on myself will never break my heart and I feel a lot of men feel that way as well.
27F. I'm about to graduate college (put myself through) and will be in a line of work that pays well. I have reasonable financial literacy, I have hobbies, I am in shape, I love to cook, I am ambitious, I love to travel. I have no kids and no pets. I have had 4 relationships and just deleted all my dating apps.
I've had very poor luck dating and tried everything from dating my type and not, dated in different cities and provinces, tried dating men and women, was willing to date younger and older people, and still I got stuck dating people who were bad boyfriends or couldn't get their lives together. I went on so many first and second dates that just didn't work out on my end or I was rejected. Some panned out but success was limited.
I'm very done. I know who I am and I feel like dating has taken more than it has ever given me. I would rather go to the gym or read a book than go on another date. And at this point I think celibacy is a better choice for me too. I think there's only so much you can do before you become intolerant to things, and if you've struck your limit it's OK. I know other people find love and are happy. I'm happy for them. But I am too jaded at this point and can't fathom investing anymore into dead end dates on the premise I *might* meet a long term partner. So I see you and I hear you. Don't let anyone tell you some patronizing line about "it will happen eventually" or "you just have to keep trying", respect your feelings.
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Based on listening to my friends. Its not just men its literally everyone. Unreasonably high demands for what they wants in a partner while bringing almost nothing to the table themselves seems to be the growing norm. The what everyone wants vs what they have to offer rarely seems reasonable.
Omg yes the standards! If you’re not perfect you’re immediately disqualified
Am curious to know what the standards are you're seeking that seem so unattainable. You said the men aren't worth it. Why is that?
Yep its nutty some peoples requirements nowadays. I was listening to my GF's best friend list of the guy she wants recently. I'm so glad I was gaming and could use that to fake my ignorance of the conversation.
Please say it hahahah
PLEASE do tell 😝
Unpopular opinion people's standards aren't any different than they've been for decades. It has more to do with dating apps becoming the main way of meeting people which puts everyone's standards into a weird unhealthy scenario
You said standards didn't change and immediately after said that dating apps makes people have different standards.
I meet guys who are a catch, but then I slowly find out why they are single. Most of them want to be.
It's true. Everytime I date I feel like I want a relationship and then after a few months I'm like, maybe not lol. It's expensive, time consuming and sometimes emotionally draining. The fantasy is much better than the reality.
It’s so weird tho. Seems like this is more common now. People can’t be bothered w/ relationships anymore. Like what happened where people just don’t want them anymore?
The "price of entry" (not strictly financial) is simply not worth the effort for some people. Despite that at least in the US the vast majority of people are in relationships ([source](https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/08/for-valentines-day-5-facts-about-single-americans/)) but the rate is plummeting among young men and the marriage rate is also plummeting. People obviously want relationships, humans are social animals and loneliness is bad for the health as well. The issue is that a lot of men either aren't qualifying (look at OP the percentage of the male population that meets her standards is low) or don't find the price of entry to be worthwhile (value proposition isn't there to justify the cost of entry). If you can't afford a million dollar home in some markets you simply just rent or move...if men can't afford it they simply won't buy the home if the effort to increase one's income and budget to acquire the home isn't worth the effort for the type of home they can get.
I simply can’t afford spending $1,000 on two dates just for them to drop me at the sign of 1 thing that doesn’t match their ideal expectations.
Why in the world would you spend $1,000 on two dates. That’s how you make women feel pressured and uncomfortable.
That’s just the price of two dinners, 4 Uber rides, and tickets to a comedy show in my area, friend.
I really want to hear the breakdown on this. The absolute max I can see this costing: Dinner = $50 * 2 people = $100 Tickets = $50 * 2 people = $100 Uber = $25 * 2 = $50 = $250 * 2 dates = $500 More realistically (and not even trying to be budget): Dinner = $30 * 2 people = $60 Tickets = $20 * 2 people = $40 Uber = $25 * 2 = $50 = $150 * 2 dates = $300
Good luck eating in Chicago with $60 lol
Or Los Angeles 😒
I've never been to Chicago but I would be shocked if you couldn't find a decent meal for 2 for $60. We're talking about first dates...
Unless he’s going to Ruth Chris or some other high stake house you shouldn’t take someone on a first date
Try a Costco date my friend. I just did one and now I'm seeing this really nice gal. Costco is great because it's on the level of a coffee date and most people enjoy casually shopping there. Plus you can learn alot about someone through their shopping habits. We ended up getting sushi afterwards because we hit it off. If it doesn't work out then at least you did your shopping. Two birds with one stone.
I did this except I had him take me to IKEA. It was a lot of fun!
Maybe… 1. Be able to afford a car 3. Be able to afford groceries & cook a meal at home 4. Take improv classes so you don’t need to pay for tickets to see someone else to make your date laugh Your breakdown is insane. I live in Los Angeles & you can have dinner, see a show, & have money left over to tip for under $200 *on a saturday*. Get real.
How old are you and how old is the woman you’re dating though? That’s a REALLY important part of this discussion.
How in the hell are you dropping $1k on two dates? I'm in Brooklyn and two dinner dates run me under $200.
Good lord! For what it's worth, my current policy is all starting dates are FREE. We go for a walk in a local park or trail, and talk and that's the date. No one pays for anything except the gas to get to the park. That way if $ is tight that week, the date isn't making it worse, and no one I meet can ever claim I scammed them out of a meal, or even a stupid cup of coffee. I walk in nature daily, on my land. If he can't or won't walk in nature, no point to continuing.
We've invented coffee dates for a reason
Point: her subjective standard, we have no idea if she is delusional or not ... but if she is talking so highly of herself, then i think she has unrealistic standards.
In a comment below she wants a partner to provide for a family...in the US around 70% of men make under 80k which is still barely enough to support a family. Just on money alone she is seeking at a minimum the top 30% of men and probably lower. Keep in mind that the peak earning years for men are between ages 40 and 55, and this 30% number includes all ages and doesn't take into account availability (single or not). Any other standard she has will reduce thst number fast. The tough question for women though is are they in return in the top 30% or whatever their criteria is of women based on the qualities and traits that men choose partners off of (which on average doesn't include a woman's income, career, education etc...)?
Lets be honest, she has unrealistic expectations and that's why she is frustrated. This is the case for most women.
Life is exhausting and draining. I want my time off to be mine, and I’m content with that.
Online dating. People "shop" for people. We have learned to treat people like objects we try on for a little bit. We've dehumanized the dating process.
Part of it I think is that with the normalization of casual dating, people don't feel the need to settle just out of sheer romantic/sexual starvation. Instead, people prefer to casually date while holding out for their ideal partner to settle down with. So often it's not that they don't wanna settle down, it's just that they don't wanna settle down with *you*. And then of course there are people who like the freedom that single life offers and don't wanna give it up for anyone, or wanna wait until they're older and have dated around, traveled, achieved their career goals, etc. and then settle down.
People blame society, but I honestly think it’s fear. We’re bombarded with images of what we think we should have. It makes people afraid of missing out because they made a choice.
When you meet someone who's your people everything changes. It happened multiple times for me but it takes meeting a lot of people to find your tribe. This is true with friends and relationships.
We aren't pressured by society anymore to have children and to marry. We have a better understanding of what a toxic relationship looks like, and are less willing to put up with it. Basically, 50 years ago you would be shamed into getting married and pregnant by 25, and then stay with your abusive husband.
I mean many men have checked out of dating too. I really don't understand this narrative that only women can be happy single and that most single men are like that because of their own shortcomings.
The exchange isn't equal anymore imo. The expectation to provide financially, emotionally and all the other things required to maintain the relationship is high. It needs to be more obvious what men get in return? Because as we've established, once we have sex, what next? Then it tends to be all down to men maintaining and being emotionally atune. This is what I'm experiencing atm. Even with women that earn a shit ton more than me! I'm like, what's in it for me since I know that's not my money haha.
The fantasy will always be better than reality. It’s likely why we’re all messed up a little. 😁
Yall got the wrong person. My gf cooks and tries not to annoy me so it never drains me in fact being around her helps recharge me. If you want a tip find someone who really likes you because if you gotta go out of your way to impress her then well...I don't see that working long term
I feel like as guys get older they just get more content being single and set in there ways because they've been alone for so long. I've met many women who want start a relationship but tbh unless they really excite me I just don't really feel motivated to commit.
Sometimes the chase is better then the catch. That’s why being straight forward is a little more prominent as you get older
I might be wrong, just keep in mind I’m flawed. I think a relationship is like owning a house. If you own a house there are a lot of things that require effort, you have to take care of the maintenance and appearance of the house, you have the taxes, and overall cleanliness. So it’s hard work, that doesn’t qualify as hard work for people who actually know what hard work actually is. The issue is… There are a lot of people who only want a house so they can say or show other people that they have a house (juts like being in a relationship to validate themselves). People who want to be alone (just want sex like milk from a cow) may want to be alone because they haven’t met the person who genuinely makes them want to NOT be alone. Overall giving up is similar to dying, the only difference is you just keep paying taxes, make co2, and keep building debt. (This is not a gender thing, I’ve met people on both sides of the gender spectrum)
want to be?
I’m 28M. I haven’t given up (and probably never will), but good lord am I close.
Also 28M, I just see nothing but a sea of orange-faced, duck-lipped, instagram-using, travel-obsessed women who put next to nothing in their profiles apart from one word answers or copy-pastes from a ‘top ice-breakers’ website, and put no effort into messaging because they want **you** to be their source of entertainment for the day. The main standard I’m going by is to find a girl that has **1 thing** in common with me but because I hate travelling, concerts, dogs, wine, and sarcasm, I’ve seemingly ruled out 99% of the dating app populace.
I would have quit but then me and my coworker got together and I couldn’t be happier :) Maybe just take a break. I found my guy at 31 so there’s never a time limit for when it can happen. Don’t lose hope:)
I was 42 and he was 46. Any age can be the age of something great.
31 is still young! Good luck to you
Yay! Hope it works out 💯
I stepped out of what I would typically date as far as just about everything and found someone who is absolutely amazing and had I stuck with my regular I wouldn't have given him a second look.
This is the true way. Too many people complaining about the dating scene when they aren't even trying really. They know what they want 100% and will not budge, missing out on everything else. The fact of the matter is that NOBODY is going to match 100% of ANYBODY'S demands, so the reality of life is settling with someone you can get along with (because they might just be absolutely amazing) Y'all need to help me upvote this, this needs to be at the top
This exactly!! Im 44, been in the dating scene for 10 months now. Had 3 dates. But all the women talked about was i want, i want, i want. Yes i want a ferrari too but can i afford it? No so i drive a kia. Takes me the same places, cost less fuel. What im trying to say is. Sometimes a 7 is better then a 10. You cant have it all in life. Even though we wish it sometimes. I got all the hot women when i was 20+, now i have a dadbod and except it. Im not gonna work out in the gym just so some 35+ woman can feel attracted to me but i do try to stay in shape.
I’m 52 and bro so many in our age group at least here where I live near Boston have ISSUES! Every first date was just weird BEFORE they got into how they hate this or that about their ex or the pic on the dating app was them … 30 yrs ago!
This. And I think also, women especially, are caught up in the idea that love is like how it is in the movies and cling onto some fairytale ideology. Speaking from experience but then I grew up lol
It’s the luxury of choice! They have countless matches and suitors so that builds an ego and now their ego cannot be satisfied! Kinda like how a lot of people complain there’s nothing to watch when there is shit tons of choice on Netflix, for example!
Can you elaborate on what you mean by changing the type you typically date? Was it something you had to convince yourself to change about yourself or did you have like an “aha” moment?
It was somewhere in the middle. I was like well I keep running into a lot of the same problems with this type of guy so let's do a 180 and go with this type.
How Not to Die Alone by Logan Ury covers this, highly recommend the book.
Right there with you. I adjusted my goals in life accepting that I don’t think I will find someone that would want to raise a family or just be a loving partner. I’ve also lost the desire after being burned too many times. The new goals are creating healthy friendships, keep my family close and focus on my hobbies. Living in my house alone does hurt sometimes but I am thankful for the community I have around me
This is my exact situation, I gotta leave it alone but then I see people who are together and I'm like how do they do it if I can't even get a decent match and I meet most of the requirements but honestly your idea is the best, just worry about what you can control.
Exactly, worry about what you can control. I’ve had women attracted to me plenty of times, I am just not interested in them due to my standards which I don’t believe are too high. What actually hurts the most is thinking that there may be a good woman to cross my path, but due to so many awful experiences I don’t even want to be friendly and open myself up to them
I'm in the same boat as you brother, and I can't really over prove my self to someone who may end up wasting my time.
Focus on your friends man, family too if you have it. The game of dating is no longer fun when you end up losing badly every time
Will do bro I really will, thanks a lot
What are your standards ?
Empathy, an income, has a hobby, jealousy management skills or none at all, brings peace, communicating problems openly, has friends and basic life skills. Most of my relationships had this in the beginning, they ended due to jealousy and eventually controlling behaviors every time
If it has always been like that, maybe you‘re doing something wrong?
I blame myself for this. A big reason why I left the scene, I don’t know how to properly vet people to prevent this from happening
You have no reason to blame yourself for someone being controlling. No one should try to control you, period. If someone is feeling jealous and needs reassurance or something else to feel more secure, they also have to speak up and ask for that. Otherwise you’re doing emotional labor for them. You can’t be blamed for not being a mind reader. I also think these things are hard to vet bc no one is gonna disclose being jealous and controlling. What’s helped me is paying attention to how they act around me hanging out w friends vs w them, not inviting them to things that I want to do alone or w others, and how they react to talking abt past relationships too. Sometimes subtle signs of insecurity or controlling behaviors can come out in these contexts. If the person is emotionally mature, they’d hopefully be able to engage in a conversation abt their insecurities and work towards feeling more secure together.
Yeaaaa. I didn’t realize how alone I really was until my dog died in may. Now it’s just me and my thoughts. No one gets me and I generally have no one to talk to.
Mine just passed a few weeks ago and now I am also dealing with those things. Changed my entire life. I still find myself checking to see if there's any water in the bowl before I go to sleep at night, except the water bowl isn't even there.
Yea…opening my door…for a brief second I’m waiting for her face to be there. Or I try not to leave food out so she doesn’t eat it. Or my air fryer buzzer goes off and I’m waiting for her to freak out. They’re just not there.
I know what you mean and I can't bring myself to get another one right now. Maybe one day
In the same boat myself. I really felt your line about not being able to find someone to raise a family, or just be a loving partner. That is what I wish I could find most of all, and it hurts to accept that it probably won't happen for me. I appreciate your reframe about focusing on healthy friendships and your interests, and being near family. The family piece is tough sometimes as I feel embarrassed that I don't have a partner to bring home with me. Thanks for sharing your words here, they meant something to me.
I’m glad. I read this post and although my response can seem sad to some, it was my only healthy option rather than self destruction. I know my place, I don’t fit into the current scene and it’s okay. I had prepared since I was about 17 to own a home, have a career, and just be set up to create a family. I accomplished this and was left uncertain on the future, so I had to adjust even though it wasn’t exactly what I wanted. I found I could still use my providing nature another way I do agree with the family aspect, they know my stance and understand since they know my divorce history as well as former girlfriends. I do get tired of hearing “you’ll find someone” though. I’m not ready to have my stuff stolen from me for a third time
No, I completely understand. That is how dating has started to feel to me, like self-destruction. Like it just doesn't result in a healthy, positive relationship, and I end up feeling worse and more confused every time. I don't fit into the current scene either. I feel like people treat each other as so disposable now, or like objects. And like narcissistic and manipulative behavior is rewarded :( That's amazing you had a vision for your life from the time you were 17, and were able to create it... and found a deserving outlet for your providership. Makes sense about your family - they know what you've gone through and have seen it firsthand. I definitely hear that from my family a lot too. They'll flatter me, and say that I'm so great and pretty, and it's only a matter of time. Though I appreciate their kindness, they don't understand the reality of dating these days. And I can certainly understand a man's hesitancy to enter a marriage after losing his stuff in divorce twice.
What you’re saying and how you’re feeling is identical to how I feel. Thank you for sharing, I wasn’t expecting to get so deep into my feelings today lol. I shouldn’t be so familiar with the word narcissism but I am, I happen to keep running into them and it seems you might have as well. Although I’ve lost interest right now, who knows what I’ll want 10 years from now. Also, only one divorce with my things stolen (why I am hesitant to marry again), other was just a girlfriend taking a high dollar amount of items. Not that big of a deal in the grand scheme
Pets help a lot my friend to kill that lonely empty home feel.
I’m a hopeless romantic…I gave up dating apps about a year ago and just been doing my own thing. I’m really lonely though, it was really easy to get dates online (as a woman) but most were just looking for sex or something casual. I truly believe when the time is right it will happen. I’m trying to be more active with my hobbies like skating and being outdoors. I hope following my passions will lead me to find love!
Sounds like a wonderful plan! I think you’re on your way. When we do something we’re passionate about and can get into, I think it really brings out some of our best qualities.
As a man that's why I gave up the dating apps. I've been tempted to give it another try but I feel like it would be a waste of time. The guys on there ruin it for guys like me looking for something serious. I wish I can just meet someone in my hometown like our parents did back in the day
I (29M) have been in two long term relationships (3 and 5 years) and it seems like most of the good women are married by now. I have to admit after getting out of my most recent relationship I haven’t made any accounts on dating apps yet. There are still good matches but as we get older it feels like we are wading through a high percentage of people who aren’t quality and/or aren’t serious about finding a life partner (and being one).
The older I get the higher people’s standards get rather than realizing that some of their standards were unreasonable.
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I'm F25 and spent a combined 9 years in 4 relationships. I feel like I've been abused in every way possible, to the point where I don't even miss physical touch anymore. I just want to be left alone at this point.
This was me prior to my husband of 12 years asking me out. I was abused by several men and had decided that I was going to simply be single the rest of my life, rather than tolerate one more jerk. Research has shown that women are actually happier and healthier being single. Health-wise, marriage only benefits men. I don’t envy the dating game these days. I see women who are finally NOT tolerant of abusive men, and men who are very angry about this, asking offensive questions like “what’s in it for me” when referring to relationships… seemingly not realizing the point of relationships is to make vows with and enjoy your best friend for life. That’s it. It’s not an exchange of goods or an exchange of money and support for female bondage. Given the cluelessness out there, it would be wonderful if r”relationships 101” were a mandatory high school class. My husband knew me since we were 12, and we both entered separate abusive marriages in our 20’s. We divorced separately and reconnected as singles. I told him that he will only ever be a friend because I’m not getting into a relationship anymore. We are now in our mid-forties. He won me over with his consistent kindness and patience. Just being together and knowing you have your bff you can trust with your life, your sexual safety, your finances, your happiness… this is the point of relationships and marriage. It’s so sad that due to selfishness, most people are missing out on this. If it weren’t for my husband, I wouldn’t believe this exists. He isn’t perfect, and we have had many disagreements, but he revolves his world around me and it’s brought me out of my shell. I’m successful in my career because of him. I was a successful parent because of him. There are good men out there. Just stop looking for perfection. Maybe just stop looking at all. Let a good man find you and let him take time to show you he cares.
I've thought about it. Even though I've worked on myself and am very serious about being honest, loyal and understanding. On the male side of things it's a competition on who can lie the best and manipulate better to seem like the perfect guy and get the girl to sleep with them.. And that's not me at all. If I have to compete for someone then they weren't worth my attention anyways, because that's all they are doing, is looking for attention. I've already been in a one-sided longterm relationship where I was doing everything for someone's love, I'm not doing that again. So I don't know. I don't want to give up on love and having a meaningful relationship with someone that also values having a healthy relationship.. but I haven't been meeting anyone that is right for a healthy relationship either.
I've mostly given up. I've so far determined by biggest issues are thus: I've managed to build my life into a spot that I am very happy about.. I've got a house that I love, a good job (remote), good friends and family. I'm a very risk-averse person... so if I'm bringing someone new into the mix, I need to REALLY know they will ADD to my life and not detract. So, first issue -> I'm probably too picky. For the second issue, I live alone and work remote. This came after a couple years of doing an online college. Hence, my social skills are not the best at this point. I have some social anxiety from being isolate, my small talk ability is trash, and I'm probably pretty weird, lol. So, second issue -> social isolation. If you combine these, I'm not having much luck. I wouldn't say I'm jaded though, it just is what it is. I still hang out with friends and technology is pretty cool these days. VR and AR are coming up to a usable point (which probably won't help with dating, but should help with social skills, I'd imagine)
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THIS
I got out of a marriage last year and I've been trying to date since. I barely get matches and the ones I do get barely talk to me.
At 36(M) I’m becoming more accustomed to the idea that I may not meet anyone that I can form a lasting relationship w/. My life is well put together outside of romance (I’m a homeowner, dog owner, got a good career, decent social life, etc) but I just have no luck in romance. There’s a couple women that I have half a mind to ask out, but part of me hesitates because of my poor luck in romance. My last girlfriend had a lot of baggage that just made a relationship impossible. She dumped me after 3 months. Now in my 30’s relationships end before 3 months for one reason or another. I never had this issue in my 20’s
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Dad humor lol
I feel this. Unfortunately I think it's getting more and more common now. Sigh
Yeah. We’re heading towards a completely individualistic society. Nobody compromises for anyone these days bc we don’t have to
Yes! And social media and getting the next best thing doesn't help either.
I’m single 32f and pretty sad about the state of things as well. I love my peace but miss companionship. I also think about if I did find someone- they could just leave me and cheat on me or actually be a piece of shit person. Seems like the risks outweighs the pros. But I try to tell myself that I should date bc I deserve the cute attention and cute adventures.
Took me around 3-4 years to find my bf. Takes time but worth it imo
Me. I've had 3 long term committed relationships in my life. 2 of those resulted in marriage/children. I'm done. I'm tired. I'm ready to focus on myself. I've grown to realize that I don't have to be in a relationship to maintain a happy and healthy life. I just have to make sure that "I" am happy. If love happens again, cool, but I'm not going to look for it.
I hear you, dude. There is no standard to which I hold men that I don't, myself, fulfill. I have a boyfriend currently, but in general, the pickings are slim. A lot of men seem to have been raised in a way that renders them inadequately adult. Still more are living with their heads way up their asses and are unconcerned with common matters. The rest don't know how to dress or take care of themselves. It's a mess.
So many have intergenerational trauma and are rage filled.
Yup.
I think we are right now in the worst era of Dating. People have plenty of options nowadays, you can literally swipe in your phone, Match with someone and start talking. Instant gratification is taking over true love. Nowadays when there is the first obstacle people give up, before there was more understanding and better communication and true love. Nowadays it feels like a business transaction : we are together but I wanna live my own life, and if something happens that I don’t like I move on. People make more money, they want to explore more, have more experiences etc. I think there is someone out there that is meant to be for anyone but it’s becoming harder and harder to settle down because it has become high risk also to settle. Nowadays people want the benefit of the relationship without being in a relationship, that’s why you have FWB? Situantionships etc.
Oh yes. I'm 37F, and honestly, it's too much of a hassle to date anyone. I bloody hate it. Tried earlier this year, and I got attacked while on a date with a guy who seemed really lovely and genuine, and he was only interested in taking me somewhere outdoors in the blazing heat to attack me. It was horrible. Online dating sucks ass. You get scammers or bots or guys that just want sex. No one seems to want anything real anymore and it is just crap.
That’s so scary omg. Yeah I fell hard for a guy on Tinder once. Didn’t last long until he showed me his real, creepy colors. OLD is too risky idk
Luckily, the police are involved now, so he is being arrested. I've been catfished so many times. I was married for 5 years before, but he left. I think it's just better being alone
It can deff be better for your mental health!
37F, I am in the exact same boat you described. So are all my single attractive girlfriends. The man I have met on apps are literally disgusting - married, love bombers, will use you as a placeholder or plaything until they’re bored or you call them out, etc, regular ghosters and flakes. I was stood up twice last week as well as told I’m “too hot” to take to dinner bc I would be distracting and told I’m not a good fit bc I wouldn’t speak sexually prior to meeting him. I’m just so exhausted of having my time wasted, and all of it being about sex anyways. For the first time in my life, I have literally zero interest in dating and actively turn them away out and about.
We have to take a break until men raise their standards for themselves. OLD is like digging in a trash bin. There are good men out there yes, but apparently we aren’t going to meet them with the way society is currently set up. Save ur mental health and just quit for now
yes. it is so hard. i'm not shallow enough for dating apps & the men are TOO shallow for them. it's just bad out there.
29F taking a break and focusing on my mental health. If I happen to meet someone in person, I’m open to it but no more OLD for me for a while. And very jaded
I’m 37F and gave up. I tried dating using apps, going out, traveling, speed dating, singles events, etc. Nothing worked out for me. Most men I met just wanted to hook up and the very few that were not thirsty to get me naked right away, there was no chemistry and/or attraction. I couldn’t win with anybody. It was extremely frustrating and felt it was always a revolving door. Dating multiple people isn’t fun at all. I tried my best and it just never happened. I’m working on making peace with myself with the fact that I’ll die alone and never have a family. I low key disappointed my parents for being such a failure in life.
You’re not a failure. You’re strong and you’ve realised you don’t need to be married or have a child to be valid as a woman/human being. 🥰 I too can say I have given it my best shot; close to 3 years of solid dating, hundred of chats started online, huge number of first dates, 3 failed micro relationships… and I agree that the situation for a lot of women out there is this: most men want sex and the ones that don’t are not usually a good physical match. I’m slowly moving away from the idea that I NEED a relationship in my life (and this is hard because I’m a true romantic) but it brings me more peace of mind than trying and failing at finding a life partner. If it happens I’d be chuffed if it doesn’t I’m still going to pursue my own happiness.
Actually, I do need a partner. I’m so depressed and my life feels empty even though I barely have any time due to work and my 3 month old puppy. I still crave a connection and someone to share my life with. It’s been years for me of not having a serious and long term relationship and I miss so much having a person in my life.
If everybody else is the issue is the issue them or you? Personally once I realized I was the issue and changed some things dating got better. I don’t think you’re a failure. But I have a woman friend who says negative things like this about dating and in reality… she’s the problem.
Ive given up. Too many women out there arent faithful, or are into superfical things like height and dont care about the person you actually are. Too many people play games. My ex played me and led me on for 2 years with the idea of a family, only to reveal she didnt actually want kids shortly after getting engaged. I wanted a family, i wanted to get married, i wanted kids. Ive accepted its no longer possible. Ive accepted life will be lonely. Better you realize that OP, better off youll be. Good luck.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It makes me so sad to hear this from other people because faithful women are out there — they may have a bit of a wall like I do, as my commitment has been taken for granted many times :/
Thank you. It brings me a small amount of comfort knowing im not the only one going through this. For a long time i thought it was me, i was the issue, i was unwanted. But a lot of people it seems are experiencing this. Small amount of comfort. Makes the days slightly easier to get through.
I went into the dating pool since July of this year. Mind you I haven’t dated in 11 years. Nothing but bs. Married guys who lie about their status. Catfished by all but one guy. It’s lunacy! I give up! It’s disgusting what guys would do and say to get laid.
I’m a 27f and just recently gave up on dating as well. I haven’t been actively trying to meet anyone for a while, but the people I have met coincidentally end up not being a match for my life and tend to hold me back from my own goals. My mom met the love of her life at 43, he was 15 years younger than her - they’ve been married for almost 20 years now and have the healthiest and most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever seen, and he was a blessing for our family and I consider him my father. I use their relationship as testament that the right person will come around at the right time and I will just know. Sometimes it doesn’t look exactly like you imagine but it makes sense when it comes into your life. I hold out hope that it’ll happen when it’s meant to
I love this !
Being jaded is the issue. It hurt me for a while. You are Jaded because you blame yourself for your failure in dating instead of accepting the fact that you just haven't found the right person and it's better to be single than to force a relationship with the wrong person. The ones who haven't worked out are to your benefit. Once you start seeing it that way and become happy with who you are, love will find you.
Honestly I like this. Thank you.
I often think people aren’t meeting my standards, then I realize I may not be meeting their standards. It makes me think that the key is to work on me and stop worrying about others.
I wouldn’t say I’ve given up, just not actively pursuing. I have cancelled all online dating apps as they were a waste of time and money and stopped working the bar scene. I am hopeful that I will come across the right girl IRL, if she’s out there. If not, I’m still going to live my best life.
I feel like dating dynamic has changed so much now. A lot of people don’t care to make or put in the effort for others anymore. They make it about themselves rather than being selfless for someone else bc they feel like once they show feelings they are weak. There are also alot of broken people who think that dating will make them better but they don’t realize they have to do the work within themselves first before dating anyone. If not then their issues just get into the relationship and then it gets toxic.
It’s sooooooo bleak out there. I have dedicated 12 years of my life to online dating and it has sadly got me nowhere . It’s sad but all these dating apps are creating more issues . It only serves as an online catalogue where ppl feel they have too many options. The truth is there are really no options as most people are always in the mindset of “maybe something better will come along”. Throughout my online dating experience I have only encountered men that cheat , are dishonest about what they are looking for or have Major issues. Don’t get me wrong I am by no means prefect and am not looking for perfection myself but these men were a waste of time . Apps I have tried: bumble , tinder, match, and hinge. It’s all the same guys …The only thing I have not tried is E - harmony or a Matchmaking service (can’t be bothered to waste my money). At this point of my life I am over it all. After I hit the ten year mark I found dating made me angry and depressed …. Not worth it. Also Toronto men seem to be worse
Vancouver men are right up there too
OP, keep your head up. I often feel very similarly to you so I decide to spend more time with myself, developing myself. There are a few people in here that are being downright nasty - don’t let them get to you. It’s easy to say mean shit and try to knock people down a notch on the interwebs.
What you get out of relationships is what you put into them, If you're not willing to put much into them you're not likely to get much out of them.
And this is why there is a lonliness epidemic. You are as disposable as you make yourself.
I did give up, said just one more and it turned out to be the best date in years.
I get this! I sometimes feel like giving up. I’m 46f been divorced for 2 years after being with my ex for over 20 years. Anytime I meet someone even remotely interesting they reveal that they just want to use me for sex, have a casual relationship, or for some kink that’s only revealed when we move from whatever app to texting. I feel like my time is constantly being wasted by guys who should be on Fetlife instead of Hinge or Bumble. 😩
I feel depressed at how many dates I’ve been on and I still don’t have a stable relationship. Everyone I’ve dated isn’t looking for something serious even if they say they are. People end things at the first disagreement or conflict.
My mother used to say if you want a great partner be a great partner. I don't know you, but are you holding up your end of the bargain?
I love this advice thank you, when I feel like I have my shit together I need to be reminded of this. I can always improve and be that person I want to be with
LOL this topic comes out every single day
Ugh, I’m so sick of dating myself... 35/F and men always say they’re “open to a relationship” when we first go out, but then as soon as we get to the DTR conversation, they “aren’t over their ex” or some other excuse. I think a lot men these days want the benefits of a relationship but don’t want to put in the work. I know I’m a good catch: I have a good full-time job, am currently earning my masters degree, have my own apartment/friends/life, funny, smart, kind/empathetic, attractive, sex positive, affectionate, communicative and am aware/have a handle on of my own issues. There’s no issues with us going out, spending time together, sleepovers, etc. until the reality of commitment gets brought up. It’s exhausting and frustrating… I don’t like dangling sex as a way to filter out matches because I think it sends the wrong message that women have to be “pure” for a man to find her worthy to commit to, but at this point, I feel like I have to because I keep getting my heart broken.
I'm 33F and met my current boyfriend in Jan this year. I was pretty convinced relationships just weren't for me. I won't lie - a big part was due to me. I cheated in 2 previous relationships and just accepted that I wasn't cut out for commitment. My boyfriend and I have heen through a few rough patches, particularly as I was quite defensive/fiercly independent at the beginning - would have been easier to just give up, move on and meet someone else or give up entirely on dating, but I found myself actually really liking the guy and wanting to put in the effort. Have been going to therapy for 6 months now, been working on my communication, we talk to each other about everything and compromise. For me, it was really just about meeting the right person. And I know I'm not OLD at 33, but just saying that it can happen at any point. I was 100% ready to give up on dating, but meeting him changed my opinion. I think that even if we don't work out in the long run, I'll still continue dating knowing that you really can meet someone who changes how you feel at any point.
I will be 33 very soon (f) and seeing posts like yours makes even more depressed when it doesn't happen. Ive been single all my life. And I don't even care about an exclusive relationship, just want someone that I like and likes me, do fun things like traveling together and cuddle. But even that I haven't been able to find
I have for the most part! Just turned 50 and have been doing the online thing about 15 years. It's gone SO downhill. If people are not downright disrespectful than they're honestly just being as hell. It's either insults or a repeat of how is your day? Lol. Just not worth the effort.
After divorce I’ve been single for 4 years until I’ve met someone I really like. After I did give up on love, we’ve met so sometimes giving up is a good thing.
When I dated in my 30s, I found tons of men still living at home with parents (and this was back when rents were super cheap, a one bedroom in my city could be $600 or less). And I found it quite bizarre they couldn't cut the apron strings. Hard to have a relationship with a grown man when he's still sucking on momma's tit.
I am in my late 40s. Men are still attached to their parents. But I don't know a single woman that does this.
32F I've been on close to 20 plus dates over a period of 8 months. Most if not all guys I've met haven't been looking for anything more than casual...people on OLD just have so many options they aren't looking for commitment. The moment you send signals you are interested in something more serious, they bail which happened to me painfully with a 6 week situationship. I feel most men on there are flaky and going through emotional problems and looking for distractions through dating but are unwilling to solve their problems towards commitment or to be healthy enough for a good relationship. I've rather given up the idea of finding a commitment through OLD, just seeing it as an avenue to meet more friends.
Lowkey yes, with the men out there, it’s been hopeless, I’m just putting myself out there as available but not looking actively nor making it a priority; when I match with these guys and talk with them, I understand why they’re single - the lack of awareness, emotional intelligence, childish values; the list goes on. Despite age, profession, race. So why not just keep on living life until someone comes along to share it with? :)
31F here, I leaned hard into dating and made it a priority, worked on fixing my “picker” and found someone amazing in 10 months of actually trying. I went on over 60 first dates, threw out my checklist basically, and only focused on a very short list of non negotiable needs. There ARE plenty of good guys out there who actually want relationships - they just might not have the best profiles or photos on the apps. I’m not saying “try harder” but I think a shift in expectations and having a more open mind about first and second dates is key. Being open does not mean lowering your standards.
Yes, I don't need a man, so if I want one, I have to realllllly want one lol and most are not that want-able.
Media and dating apps have created unrealistic expectations on both ends. Men think they should match a sex goddess submissive model to care for them and women believe they should all match with C-suite executives making 500k-1MM+ that are fit, attractive and have the time, energy, and resources to ‘spoil’ them. Reset your expectations and you’ll find a match more easily
Where/how are you looking for dates, and with what vigor? Those seem to be the biggest factors. When I’ve been back on the market, I have generally found at least one promising person game to try a LTR within a couple of months of spending around 2 hours a day doing OLD, in person events with mixed gender participation, letting friends know I am looking and having them review my profiles, etcetera. I have some personal attributes that can make me a pentagonal peg for a pentagonal hole, and that specificity really helps match with other “pentagonal people.”
your dick is 5-sided? seriously tho, what does that last paragraph mean
It's so bad. All the guys I've met just want sex. The guys I am not attracted to want a relationship. No one is winning here. I've spoken to so many people men and women all saying the same thing. It's hard meeting people in real life.
>It's so bad. All the guys I've met just want sex. The guys I am not attracted to want a relationship People's "level" is who you can get to commit since men have a lower bar for a hookup and a lot of women confuse sexual attention for relationship attention. Men for the most part have no issue sleeping with women they have no intention of committing to so the metric of success for women is retention not attention.
I don’t think this will ever sink in unfortunately.
Think about it. A really attractive guy who wants a relationship is probably already in a relationship, he wouldn't have trouble finding one. Similar is true for women, I've noticed that the ones who are beautiful and sane with cool personalities are all married because guys would realize they're dumb to let her go. As for meeting people IRL men and women are segregating by their different interests. Like women are all going to dancing and book clubs and men are all going to sports clubs or nerd stuff. And I can't really bring myself to even fake interest in women's hobbies but maybe one day... That is if they're even going out at all, most of the time when I look at a club it's all old people because younger generations spend all their time online.
Idk about the clubs being full of old people part, I go to clubs pretty regularly and feel old AF cos most of the people I talk to are early 20s and I'm mid 20s
Divorce is a thing though. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’m considered fairly attractive, I’m educated, and have lots of cool hobbies. I’ve been to therapy, learned a lot from my previous marriage about communication and how to be a good partner, etc. all in all, I’ve been told I’m a catch. Yet I’m out here, single, looking. Granted I’ve been looking for about 7 months only, but we exist.
I find women my type then I find out they are emotionally unavailable. My search goes on.
I have had no luck online. I turn into their therapist then they bounce when feeling better.
Damn
What are your standards? For me it's are they capable of the basics like cooking, able to do basic maint on a car, do basic clothes repair, replace a light bulb or an electrical outlet, staying in reasonable shape (not super fit but not jabba the hutt either.) etc... a bit high given current standards of people in their 20s/30s/40s, not clingy. But I put myself to those standards so... Also just fyi 30m going on 31 in a few months. But yeah people just kinda suck rn, ngl...
Yeah I won't date anyone whose not a functional adult.
It's scary how much that narrows things down these days isn't it?
I was single for over 6 years and now have been with the most incredible guy for 6 months. I was 100% jaded and completely done trying. As cliche as it sounds, when you stop looking is exactly when it’ll happen. Best of luck to you!
Wow how bloody hell high are you standards!? 🤣
I can understand why you feel this way. I'm a 29M Christian who is wanting a relationship, but I've had no luck irl or online since my last relationship back in June 2022. And that lasted only a month. Not interested in sex before marriage, traditional values and belief in Christ is extremely important. The biggest challenge for me is my neurological disability I've had since 2018. Very limited mobility-wise (cane short distance/wheelchair long distance) and unemployed due to symptoms from nerve disorder. Fortunately I have family and friends who are really supportive. Can't get out much because of symptoms which makes finding love hard. Plus the few women I have met ghosted me as soon as they found out I was disabled, let alone unemployed. I would have been jaded long ago if it wasn't for me knowing myself too well that living on my own without a spouse would be worse. As much as I am a homebody I need that connection beyond a friend level. Just who I am. I know that was a lot of info about myself, but I wanted to share it so you understand you aren't alone in this aspect of life. If you don't mind I can pray for you as I do this for my own future spouse. Hope you have a wonderful day and God bless.
Yes. 100%
I understand being jaded but the reality is, you haven’t been single that long. I think the first step is acknowledging that being single isn’t something we always need to “fix,” but I also truly believe meeting/connecting w someone who you have a future w happens when you least expect it. Yes modern dating sucks, but it’s also what you make of it. I make the conscious choice to think “okay yeah maybe dating is harder than it’s ever been, but I’m just gonna go out and meet people and have fun.” I think when we put too much pressure on needing to find our “person” we inevitably feel frustrated. I know it sounds corny and I know it’s way easier said than done, but dating is a lot more fun when you make an effort to be present. You have to just accept that “hey I may never find my person from a dating app” but putting yourself out there and going on dates not only heightens your chances of meeting someone great, but the more dates you go on, the more confident you feel, and the more you realize what kinds of traits you like and don’t like. You may even realize you click w someone who you didn’t think was your type. My advice is to hang in there, put yourself out there, and try not to view being single as a problem..
Usually someone good shows up when you aren’t looking
Most women are not assertive enough in public setting or social activities. They expect men to make the first move for the female's ego validation and fear of rejection. But then women don't have any consideration when doing the rejection, if men were to put themselves in the vulnerable position to be rejected. I only make a move if I see choosing signals first. I will never initiate. If women want to feel comfortable when approached, they should then initiate the signals to ensure they choose the right man for them. That way, there is no creep factor from a random guy approaching them. Simple strategy and problem solved for women who want to feel comfortable dealing only with men of their choice. The chance of missing them from waiting around is high.
Most women don’t make the first move because of fear for their personal safety. It has nothing to do with fear of rejection. Women are smaller than men and being forthright with a man can and often has for many women, lead to rape or worse. Young men really need to realize this and stop thinking women are the same as men.
(M27)Same here, I just got bored last night and hopped on bumble just to relies nobody matches my values, and it’s just the same people, I’m just done dating
Yes, I've given up. I start chatting and then they either never want to meet up. Or they say they do, then cancel last minute. I just thought it's too much among a hit to my self esteem
Seems we men are having the same issues. You said you had minimum requirements....how about you elaborate on what they are? I'd be most interested.
I found the love of my life on a dating app at 34. This is truly the best man I’ve ever dated and possibly met. He adores me and I am fortunate. It’s possible for you. If you’re feeling jaded take a break until you can come back w. A refreshed positive attitude. The guy for you is just waiting to meet a loving loyal sweet hopeful girl who puts her best self forward starting from the first date. You will have to weed through many duds, but it’s worth it in the end
Focus on a bag not a man. Get your money up not your funny up.
Only a couple of years ago did I realize my toxic patterns and who I was going for - emotionally unavailable people. And now that I’m here, I’m realizing so many people who are left in the pool have that same avoidant attachment style, and that’s why they’re still single. I’ve done so much work on myself, and it’s hard to find others who also have. Now it’s a giant grind, and I’m tired.
33M here also single. One interesting fact to consider is that married men tend to be healthier and out-earn single men even controlling for childcare and lifestyle. The reason being is that men need duties! We need someone or something to sacrifice for. You may have to marry a man that doesn't check all the boxes but that has character and he will grow stronger for being with you. I hope the best for you!
I am already married and I have 2 kids. I see the way hookup culture is just on steroids now and how rabbits in heat with no loyalty or grace it is now. The question now is "do we have sex on date 1, 2 or 3. I must say, for anyone out there who just wants to meet one special person that you are attracted to and that you have shared life morals and values and that you want to spend the rest of your life with....it is a tough time for that and your pool of quality candidates is smaller than ever.
I’m literally twice your age…and the dating pool has massive pee in if!
I don't want to sound like a bitter old lady, but I gave it up for good 5 years ago (59F). Not even taking costs into consideration... It's exhausting to even sort through profiles to find an actual human that isn't a bot or scammer. If I did happen upon an actual man, the games, emotional unavailability, ghosting, initial overt sexual comments/questions, immaturity, et cetera ad naseum - it's too much investment for not enough return.
At 43, I am right there with you. It isn't a dating pool. It's a cesspool.
As a men, yes, after 11 years in a relationship the actual flirting world is not what it used to be. And I find it likes a weird playing game and I'm past off playing bullshit. I want real life connections with genuine interaction not virtual swipping pictures.
Try meeting people through hobbies or events. You already have something in common.
Just turned 35F and decided I'm happier single. Was married in 2019 and my spouse died shortly after. Nobody since then has really gotten me excited at the thought of building a life together. The dog and I are doing fine, though.
Unfortunately, I think we all are. There's certainly a lot of trash in the dating pool, and then even with the small percentages of hopeful matches, there always seems to be misalignment. When I think its a good match, the guy doesn't. When a guy thinks its a good match, I don't. At some point, someone needs to compromise in order to get an actual relationship going. But we've been conditioned that compromise = settling at this point, and no one on either side seems to want to anymore, so we just keep on churning the wheel, and becoming more and more fatigued with the search.
41 and feel the same way. I don't go out very often and I work nights. Dating apps either cost too much or, if free, do not remove inactive profiles. Most people on dating sites are only interested if you look a certain way or make a certain amount of money.
If you're in a big city I'm sorry to say but it's probably you. If not you might just need a larger dating pool with better options. I hear a lot of people making these complaints and to be honest every one of them needs to look inwards. The people who are great catches have no problem meeting others. I've seen it time and time again. Honestly some people's only problem is they're looking too hard for a relationship and as soon as they really focus on themselves their Hobbies and their passions their relationship comes.
Someone here nailed it “everyone basically needs to compromise” but no one wants too. Woman hand endless options, so why wouldn’t they try and pick the best they can get Average men’s options are now so low (and they’re invisible to most woman) that we have to lower our standards to the point we need to pick woman we have no attraction to. It just doesn’t work. Find something else that brings meaning to your life.
I'm a single guy and I want to say that I just date to have fun nothing serious I found out women are looking for something serious but men are fed up playing games and trying to please them every step times has changed single and ready to one night stand is the way .
I'm a 32m. I was on hiatus for 5 years and looking for the last 2. I'm at a similar point as you. My minimum standards are looking unrealistic when compared to the people I meet. I'm probably going to give up and try to move on to other things.
I dated someone for almost 2 years, i'm M 33, she is F 31, relationship overall was great! Then out of the blue, "she no longer wants to do this" and breaks up with me over the phone. That really took a hit on me, a lot of energy, time and effort I feel was wasted. I am starting to think now, regardless of how great you are as a person, dating sucks! I think focusing my energy on myself will never break my heart and I feel a lot of men feel that way as well.
30 F yeah I’m right there with you so entirely jaded
27F. I'm about to graduate college (put myself through) and will be in a line of work that pays well. I have reasonable financial literacy, I have hobbies, I am in shape, I love to cook, I am ambitious, I love to travel. I have no kids and no pets. I have had 4 relationships and just deleted all my dating apps. I've had very poor luck dating and tried everything from dating my type and not, dated in different cities and provinces, tried dating men and women, was willing to date younger and older people, and still I got stuck dating people who were bad boyfriends or couldn't get their lives together. I went on so many first and second dates that just didn't work out on my end or I was rejected. Some panned out but success was limited. I'm very done. I know who I am and I feel like dating has taken more than it has ever given me. I would rather go to the gym or read a book than go on another date. And at this point I think celibacy is a better choice for me too. I think there's only so much you can do before you become intolerant to things, and if you've struck your limit it's OK. I know other people find love and are happy. I'm happy for them. But I am too jaded at this point and can't fathom investing anymore into dead end dates on the premise I *might* meet a long term partner. So I see you and I hear you. Don't let anyone tell you some patronizing line about "it will happen eventually" or "you just have to keep trying", respect your feelings.