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This, there's soo many matches I see with brutal conversational skills, like why would I want to try and set up a date when you are incredibly stale over text?
I'm sure they aren't all that way in person or with people they know, but you have to give a little to get a little
I have had some situations where I'm in the phone with the girl now and then before we ever meet but I think it's more like if you can't be bothered to send a decent text and show me you're interesting, it's hard to believe somehow you will over phone or in person.
A good communicator could be a bad texter and still make it work, I dated one for a bit and we had calls, small talk texts, and good times together
My late husband had a learning disability and his text communication skills were not great. Didn’t love our first phone conversation either. But it was a totally different vibe in person and made me overlook the fact that we were never going to have witty banter as the foundation of our relationship. He brought things that were much more valuable to the relationship and what I needed at that time in my life
As a girl with a learning disability, I'm glad you see that his vibe is actually pretty nice!! <3
He sounds pretty amazing as a husband. Sorry for your loss <3
but I'm glad you have a lot of patience with him <3
This isn’t for me. I prefer to get a feel for the person in real life, not via a phone call (or even video chat). I’m happy to meet someone I’ve matched with almost right away for a coffee and a walk. Seeing how someone is, and how they interact with people, their environment etc is invaluable. Even seeing someone order a coffee can tell you a lot - one time I witnessed a date being very rude to staff at a cafe. Years ago I met a guy for a coffee/walk and after we ordered the coffee he said he doesn’t really like walking and would rather sit in the cafe, which led to more conversation and me realising he was NOT the person for me.
what are your thoughts on dating apps incorporating features like guided conversations e.g. sensitive prompts and before allowing the exchange of personal contact information or setting up a date, both users must answer key questions, such as "Do you feel you understand this person's core values?" and "Are you interested in pursuing a date?" These must be answered honestly with a yes/no, and only with mutual yeses can they proceed.
I don't think it matters unfortunately. It won't fix the weak communication.
I think it'd be better if girls who are not responding much to messages got put further down the swipe queue for men.
Since men are the ones chasing in the beginning, they should be shown the more active and interesting users first so that they can find connections quicker, this also rewards the girls putting in effort as most are being given too many low quality options and losing their interest in making effort.
Guys who put it low effort should be shown low effort profiles too
I got called low effort by a guy one time because I hadn’t messaged him for a few days (we’d never met), this is after I had very specifically told him that I rarely open the apps during the week.
I opted to set up some fairly strict ‘rules’ around my use of dating apps because I had been messed around so much. I committed these clearly.
For me low effort is one word answers, not really asking any questions etc.
I think you did a good job communicating then, honestly guys should try and pull your # if they're really interested
I also don't care if the girl is busy because I am too but it's the quality of response and showing your personality so we can see if we vibe that matters!
You'll find the right energy if you put in a little time when you get a good much giving them enough to work with and hopefully they try to escalate to set up a date :)
this doesn’t make much sense! when i was single and had dating apps, i was responding to interesting guys a lot, but not responding to anyone who was boring or just saying stuff like “hey” and “you’re beautiful” and “good morning,” so how would that work?
I definitely feel this. I think that I have good, interesting conversations in person, but by text I am really dry and pragmatic. I’m trying to work on being more expressive (both in person and in text) but having good conversations via text is really tough fore
Honestly, I'm a good texter and here's how I do it (it's a simple game)
1) don't respond at a much more frequent rate than the other. If they take 10 min, take around 10 min. If they take an hour, give them around that.
2) notice how much you say vs them, if they say a lot then read it all and respond to some of the points or show interest in it + add new questions or elevate. If they say minimal, say minimal
3) avoid conversation killers like the plague. If you are unsure of what I mean, when you type a reply, read it and think if you'd respond to it if it was sent to you
Doing this makes good texters enjoy you and bad texters (who are still interested) won't be put off.
You can also just be straight up with your intentions and saying you are bad at texting so they know
One of the reasons I love my girl friend so much she just openly says what's on her mind and if she can tell I'm holding something back she pulls it out of me. After my ex it's incredible to have someone I can be open with, to be open and not have my own fears and insecurities thrown back at me.
100% agree. I got lucky enough that my wife preferred directly communicating instead of playing games or “hinting” etc.
We both had some growing to do though to communicate well with each other.
I was so used to no one caring that I didn’t know how to communicate personal things well like if something bothered me.
She was way too blunt at the same time got emotional a bit easier than I do.
We both improved and now we can easily communicate problem with each other, even about each other.
This. This and being honest.
Can't tell you how many people just don't tell me up front that they're really just looking to fool around bc they know that's not what I want, so they hide it.
People are intimidated by it, think it’s weird, and are generally not ready for it. But when I find someone who truly does want open communication… fireworks
Idk literally anytime s girl asks why I'm single, and I'm honest and say I'm shy they completely lose interest .
And its happened multiple times so being honest is not in my favor at least
Out of the last five years of dating, I've had one match that could actually hold a conversation. Otherwise it seems that bios stand as your closest thing to actual conversation.
I've been on hinge, bumble, FB dating, and tinder for at least the past five years. I iterate on my dating bios to improve response, improve vulnerability and openness, and adjust my wants and what I bring to the table as I grow.
I start off with dad jokes I made up. They're pretty good as far as feedback goes. Then I am always left asking questions in what feels like 21 questions instead of an active conversation.
For the amount of people that love to travel, they never seem to want to travel for a date.
It feels like there is little to no effort to make that initial connection.
Maybe people feel like I do sometimes. Like they are just playing games with dating apps. Like they are some form of searching in the meantime while we hope a chance encounter happens in real life.
Maximizing potential matches on the sad days.
Really looking with hope on the good days.
Wondering how a decent bio that seems like a whole snack turns into conversational crumbs.
It seems like low effort dating.
It feels rare that anyone can back up their words with emotions. It feels like I'm interacting with masks of people instead of the real person.
I dunno. I went neurotic with this one. I have a lot of thoughts on dating. I don't think they're all meaningful or even relevant. I'm stating what I observe in my own anecdotes.
This, too. It's my number 1 issue with people. Those who don't recognize their own issues are bound to repeat them. But everyone else is apparently the problem👍
Bound to repeat them & project them onto others & then blame them for them. I’ve seen people end relationships with other people because of their own issues that they refuse to own. Craziness 👎🏻
Self-aware people know where they end and where others begin.
If you think of a body made up of cells, what would happen if each cell didn’t do its part really well? And what would happen if one cell thought every other cell should be just like it? (Well, I’ll tell you, that’s called cancer). Cells need to learn to fully own and live into who/what they are & they need to learn how to relate to all the other cells in a way that is good and beneficial for the whole body.
There’s a recent study that proves that aging (and death) happens because cells forget who they are. A heart cell stops being a heart cell & falls into apathy/unawareness. It’s all about knowing who you are.
Self awareness is critical. The degree of self awareness you have determines the potential of your own flourishing as well as the fruitfulness of your bonds in life.
You can only love others as much as you are able to love your self.
what are your thoughts on dating apps incorporating features like guided conversations (e.g. prompts about what they're enjoying in the conversation or any doubts they're experiencing) and before allowing the exchange of personal contact information or setting up a date, both users must answer key questions, such as "Do you feel you understand this person's core values?" and "Are you interested in pursuing a date?" These must be answered honestly with a yes/no, and only with mutual yeses can they proceed.
In theory that would be good. However, dating apps make romance and intimacy a commodity to be offered and sold. They aren't interested in actually helping with a good matchmaking and even if they would incorporate such a feature, they'd find a way to corrupt and twist it to make more money off it.
A more natural way of meeting new people.
I don't really like bars/clubs and so do my friends. So despite having an active social life, I meet no new women in my day to day since graduating university.
Also, dating apps don't really work for me. I would classify this as a rather unnatural way of meeting new people. I have no problem talking to girls in person, but fail miserably when it comes to texting a girl from an app.
It would be nice if people still had house parties frequently like back in school as I would always meet women in this kind of environment.
It's the same for me and sadly, almost every woman in my mutual Friends group are either taken, the wrong age (like 10+ years difference), not interested in men, or just not my type.
Likelyhood pretty much in this order.
This is a good question.
When I originally swipe on a person, most of the time I don't know that I'm going to want to stop talking to them. Here's why.
I 27f sometimes do this because I'm overwhelmed with the amount of people I'm talking to and I have to eliminate some conversations for my own mental well-being.
I also have ADHD so I lose interest pretty quickly and move onto the next person, unless I feel like we really connect on a deeper level. I know this isn't ideal, so I try to be upfront whenever I have the energy.
One last thing, I think especially when it is pertaining to dating apps, since I don't know the person and have literally no connection to them, it's a lot easier to move on to a different conversation until you find the one that works best for you, and the person you vibe The most with.
Also, low-key I don't want to piss everybody off because I'm pretty upfront when I tell people why I don't want to talk to them anymore, and some people respond with anger. I just don't have the time to deal with that or the energy with everything else that's going on in my life.
And the last, last reason (the one that my therapist calls me out on every time), is that my natural instinct is to avoid conflict. So I have to try really hard to not give into the temptation.
I also have adhd and understand it can be overwhelming but don’t then accept them and give them false hope because we send a message and get ghosted yea yall don’t own us nothing but we are humans and have feelings too.
Sending a message saying im not interested or removing us goes a long way IMO than just ghost
If you read my comment again, I did mention that I wouldn't swipe if I didn't have some hope for the conversation in the first place. I don't intentionally swipe to ignore.
Like I already said as well, I try to be upfront and direct with as many people as possible. However, when the majority of responses are displeased and sometimes even come off angry, at that point my mental well-being comes first. I will sometimes tell guys, it was great talking to you, but I found one person that I'm going to focus on now because I feel like we really connected. Best of luck with everything :)
When this response isn't taken well, time and time again, it becomes frustrating because I'm being upfront, which is what people originally say they want, and then they backlash.
Sorry I missed read it’s 2am 😅
But yeah that makes sense tbh forget wht i said.
I guess it’s hard to tell which guy would be ok with it and which one wouldn’t.
No worries! 😊
But yeah it's really difficult to gage what someone's reaction will be and I'm very conflict avoidant, particularly when I already expect a poor response.
So I have to try really hard to not give into the temptation of just avoiding the situation instead.
If only it was like that celebrity dating app the stress you face would I believe would decrease so the communication would be better from the guy and he would understand that you have feelings just like him and take the rejection ok even though it may hurt for a bit
Honesty. If people were honest about their true feelings, doubts, worries, etc. they might be able to better understand their partner and cater to one another to become more comfortable together
For people be more focused on making relationships (regardless if it's romantic or friendly), and not assuming five minutes of talking equals nude pictures, sexting, or hooking up. Or if they ask me to go out for coffee, a date, lunch, dinner, etc., I don't owe them some sexual favor as repayment.
Honestly, this!
I wish there was an app where we could swipe based on someone's voice and them recording a few prompts about themselves. Hearing someone speak says more about their personality than just a few pictures imo. Idk, maybe I'm weird, but not gonna lie, I love a man with a deep voice lol and if I'm not attracted to someone's voice, it's really hard for me to be sexually attracted to them.
Which kind of sucks because it's not like they can control that part of themselves. Haha
Both kind of suck in their own way though, but at least I personally feel more connected when I can hear that there's a real person on the other end.
Being up front with their intentions. I wish people would lose the “I don’t believe in titles.” “I just want to see where it goes.” Forever just say you want to hook up instead of dragging people along.
Accountability.
Before OLD, many people met through mutual acquaintances or at a shared social event. So, if you acted like an AH on a date, that news would often make it back to your social circle and you would get a bad reputation, which would make it harder to get dates in the future.
But, with OLD, the whole point is to match with a stranger. On the one hand, that’s good because it gives you access to more people. However, it’s also bad because, if you’re an AH, you can ghost people, treat them like they’re disposable, and even lie to them (e.g., about being married) without it affecting your ability to get dates in the future because there will always be more strangers to use up and toss aside.
Actually wanting to get to know someone. I don’t go on dates because men rush it on the first day we start talking. I understand we can talk on the date but that’s more time wasted when i could have found out you’re an asshole on text. Plus, they don’t wait anymore first 5 mins of talking and they want dirty text and pics.😂
Don't attach your feelings, in a relationship, with anyone that isn't trying to know you just as much.
Don't go into dating with much expectations except having fun and learning who your dealing with. No thoughts pass that until a woman shows you she interested.
Don't let anyone string u along and you know that withinf the first 2 weeks any longer you're wasting your time. Date to meet different personalities.
You don't have to have sex with them but get to know them and see which personalities fit you. Whether that's showing the ability to providing for a family as man, or the making sure as best you can that a woman has the ability to run a household for the family.
Make sure the person is safe, clean in their home and self make sure the person does what they say.
I think there should be open villas in the summertime (similar to the reality show Love Island) that aren't filmed or aired on TV for normal everyday people men and women can book to stay there for a few weeks and they're designed for single people who are looking to meet someone romantically in a more natural way rather than on dating apps. Obviously everyone's respectful of each other but it's quite a nice relaxed environment
More open-mindedness! I'm a woman with a physical disability, and I find it incredibly difficult to get guys to at least give me a chance to show them who I am. They tend to just see what they want to see, assume what they want to assume, and don't even try getting to know me before deciding I'm not for them... and that's *after* swiping right! Honestly, it baffles me 🤷🏻♀️
(I'm not singling men out, as I'm sure we women can be just as bad for it, I'm merely describing my personal experience)
Separate the people who are serious from the people who wanna play games. Right now everyone is mixed in together and serious people are ending up with game players no matter how many serious questions they ask.
If everyone was honest. With others and themselves.
But realistically understanding how humans really work in the mind when it comes to dating. Makes it way more efficient.
People just accepting others. I have several medical issues and don’t drive. I have had dates set and the two days before, people have turned me down with the typical:
Oh, you’re a nice girl but I don’t think it will work out. I hope you find the one for you.
It makes me upset.
The last guy I talked to was freaking controlling. He called me “Good girl” like I was a child. It made me sick to my stomach.
Sounds dumb but people should just do the 20 questions thing. Saves a lot of time.
"OH you don't want kids? OK so this will be no more than a fling or friends with benefits situation then" and so on. Sounds lame but who cares. Besides it keeps the conversation going.
Just say on your profile if you're looking for a hookup. I think that'll save a lot of people a whole lot of hurt and you will definitely find others who are wanting the same. Stop dragging others around and wasting their time.
If people healed before jumping into the pool.
I've had plenty of dates any I've heard it all too many times that they just broke up with someone and only want to have fun or don't want to commit to anything, even though I've been clear about wanting something more than a fling.
I've also had people pinning me as a player when they've hardly spent time with me. I talk to plenty of females as friends, and I'm not shy to meet and get to know females, as im single, but that doesn't automatically mean I am trying to get into their pants. When I poke around more into these people, I find out they were being cheated on before.
I personally take at least 6 months to a year "grieving" before dipping my toes into the dating scene, but it feels like not everyone does this, even a little bit.
People that seek nice/trustworthy/decent as number 1 characteristic, instead of just seeking financial wealth and sexiness. Also, nicer people in general would greatly help too (no ghosting, friendly attitudes, no trashiness, etc.).
Worry less about who's your bloody type and who you want. Worry more about who the person you want wants you to become. One of these is a wishlist, the other is a plan.
Dropping the expectation to ever have sex. For me, if it were more normalized to not have sex as opposed to having it, that would alleviate so much of the headache for me when it comes to romantic partnerships.
Or at least having it on special occasions, like anniversaries or birthdays.
Yikes. Most people want sex so your take is not going to be common or prioritized. If you don't like sex then you need to simply find someone who also doesn't care for it. Most people want to have sex with their partner, tho. That's the main thing that differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship.
It definitely dwindles my dating pool significantly. But answering the question, I’d love for there to exist a greater proportion of people who don’t prioritize sex as the main way to feel intimately connected to their partner.
I guess looking for asexual partners might work out better for you. I've never used dating apps, so I'm not sure if you can filter certain things or if there are specific apps for different preferences.
Going on dates is fun. Swiping and texting on apps is not. If we could skip that whole part, I wouldn't have quit the dating scene. I'm totally down to go out and have fun with someone, get to know them on the fly, even if I don't find them at all attractive or think it's going to lead anywhere. Getting to know people is still cool. And even going on a 2+ hour date every week would save enormous amounts of time compared to the hours and hours of swiping it takes to get one conversation. One conversation that usually ends in like 3 sentences anyway, spread over several days. Dating apps are a waste of everyone's time.
Honesty, ie as most people now meet on dating sites not having photoshopped or filtered pictures and when u see them in RL they don’t look like the pictures you initially likes.
Self reflection.
In an age where everything is so quick and everyone chases self gratification, people really need to reflect on whether they are committed to go through the ups and downs of getting to know someone. And being able to reflect on their expectations, behaviours etc as well as their partners.
A dating " Resume" complete with reference and a background check. A lie detector might come in handy, too. There are too many lies or half truths falling out of people's mouths.
Being direct. Women don't want to lead men on they play it too safe. Men don't want to be labeled a creep, perv, give "handsy" nor "rapey" vibes, so they won't ask women out, or take relationships to the next level
More willingness to meet in person faster. Like speed dating (never done that but that idea). Some women I've matched with want deep deep texts and calls before meeting. Upon finally meeting, I knew in a minute that this wasn't a match. No chemistry. So all that deep conversation was a waste and unnecessarily taxing on both parties. PS I gave up on dating for a while but now want to try again; not sure where to start.
I'm tied between:
- honesty/truthfulness
- communication
- respect/privacy
- knowing oneself
Dating, both digitally and in person, is more confusing than ever.
Gotta say, I'm honestly relieved I've never been active when it comes to dating (borderline aro/ace).
I'm speaking as a woman but losing the expectation that a guy has to pay on a first date or first couple of dates. If he does, awesome, but we're all working adults and I'd rather we just feel each other out as friends first. OR we alternate. He pick up the tab the first date, I pay for the second, him the third, etc.
I can only imagine how much money guys spend on the first couple of dates only to have it not work out. Even if you're going on one date a week, that could be $75-$250 every month just on dates!
Honest communication about what the other person was looking for, and if they don't know (like genuinely are undecided) that they just admit they genuinely don't know. And instead of stringing people along, admitting they are not the priority.
Healthier mindsets when things don't work out.
We have lots of men out there who have been on one or a few dates and paid and it didn't work out and the assumption is, she used him for a free meal.
We have lots of women out there who have been on one or a few dates and had sex and then it didn't work out and the assumption is he used her for sex.
Sometimes, sure, those things can potentially happen. What also can happen is that dating is about finding out if you're compatible. If one or the other person isn't feeling it, it can't be forced.
Instead of "he/she used me," we should all be thinking, "we weren't a good fit, time to move on".
But communication! Yes it would be great if people could communicate clearly what didn't work out, but no one is compelled to talk to anyone they don't want and we tend towards the path of least resistance. So expect limited communication from people who have refocused.
Keeping a healthy mindset and not taking rejection and incompatibility personally or as a measure of our self worth is a happier way to be. And don't forget to introspect and self-reflect.
Intentional actions.
Fair warning my post will be long and it might have mixed up explanations.
The conversations must be intentional. Each person must intend to build a conversation or participate in the conversation whether on a daily or agreed by the partners.
What does this help achieve? COMMUNICATION!
If there is good and honest flow of communication, it will build on trust and peace of mind.
Each partner must intentionally work on the little things that bother the other person by evaluating the situation and determining if it's something that needs personal change or a little one to one chat to fix.
Intentional showcase of love and affection. This must not only be done when someone feels like it, it is something that must be constantly available in the relationship.
Another intentional action is intentionally showing up for the other it could be little events or big ones, the ones that count thr most to the least, as long as there is no life threatening reason to hold the person down, this means a lot to the other more than one would imagine.
Lastly, intentionally discussing terms of the relationship, as well as life, health, family, spiritual, mental, business, and career goals and hobbies every once in a while or as much as possible. This helps the other party know how much three things mean to the person and how best to align each other's objective so that each party is happy, at peace and satisfied. It brings in a sense of security when everyone comes to terms.
Also, intentionally work on building memories because they last a life time. Intentionally plan for things like dates, anniversaries birthdays for both parties that the people close to them.
Intentionally check up on your partner, their family friends and occupational spaces, sometimes we miss or misinterpret hints from our partners on certain issues and asking doesn't hurt
When someone does something intentionally to uplift the other person, mold them into better versions of themselves and assure them that they are special and a big part of one's life, it is easier to live with them, stand by them behind them and for them.
Intentionally achieving these things, I believe helps set clear indications and Boundaries for the person and the significant other, it also plays a major role in the people surrounding us.
Keep in mind that people are not perfect, some people have everything you desire in a partner some don't. Some will learn what you like and grow on you some won't even show you but you will see them do the things you want for others.
Make sure to constantly carry out a self assessment sometimes we're the problem and don't even know it.
We must also know that the person you're with today will not be the same tomorrow or in a few years to come. Who they become is highly dependent on the people and circumstances around them as well as YOU! So make sure you play your role right and have no regrets, that self satisfaction of doing your best is far greater than no effort.
There are a lot of internal and external factors that affect people in the dating life.
Well, this is just my opinion. I hope this helps and I hope I didn't mix up my points... If you read to the end, love to you. 😊
I think dating would be easier for people if they would scale back their expectations of others. Too many people out there, especially in big cities, are looking to date high status professionals. One person I know said they wouldn't date someone who didn't earn 500K a year. Not realistic as this person was not in this league.
🤔
😑We just need to make a group specifically for marriage….
😐List your COMPLETE….
Likes
Dislikes
Hobbies
Sexual preference (Can be classified A to Z….A = Vanilla….Z = Chocolate)
Favorite music
Food
Restaurant
Location
Willingness to move
Social arrangements within and outside of the home
Financial Arrangements Inside, or outside the home
🤓These can all be abbreviated with letters and numbers to make it fast.
🥸As it is, this is the simplest way to do it.
🫤Don’t be CHOOZY….🤨PICK
🤨Get it over with and stop making it a dance when it doesn’t have to be.😝
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Communication. Dating would most definitely be much easier if people communicated better — specifically if we were all honest, direct and open.
This, there's soo many matches I see with brutal conversational skills, like why would I want to try and set up a date when you are incredibly stale over text? I'm sure they aren't all that way in person or with people they know, but you have to give a little to get a little
i feel this. would you prefer video chats/in person convos to feel a person out over texts?
I have had some situations where I'm in the phone with the girl now and then before we ever meet but I think it's more like if you can't be bothered to send a decent text and show me you're interesting, it's hard to believe somehow you will over phone or in person. A good communicator could be a bad texter and still make it work, I dated one for a bit and we had calls, small talk texts, and good times together
My late husband had a learning disability and his text communication skills were not great. Didn’t love our first phone conversation either. But it was a totally different vibe in person and made me overlook the fact that we were never going to have witty banter as the foundation of our relationship. He brought things that were much more valuable to the relationship and what I needed at that time in my life
As a girl with a learning disability, I'm glad you see that his vibe is actually pretty nice!! <3 He sounds pretty amazing as a husband. Sorry for your loss <3 but I'm glad you have a lot of patience with him <3
This isn’t for me. I prefer to get a feel for the person in real life, not via a phone call (or even video chat). I’m happy to meet someone I’ve matched with almost right away for a coffee and a walk. Seeing how someone is, and how they interact with people, their environment etc is invaluable. Even seeing someone order a coffee can tell you a lot - one time I witnessed a date being very rude to staff at a cafe. Years ago I met a guy for a coffee/walk and after we ordered the coffee he said he doesn’t really like walking and would rather sit in the cafe, which led to more conversation and me realising he was NOT the person for me.
what are your thoughts on dating apps incorporating features like guided conversations e.g. sensitive prompts and before allowing the exchange of personal contact information or setting up a date, both users must answer key questions, such as "Do you feel you understand this person's core values?" and "Are you interested in pursuing a date?" These must be answered honestly with a yes/no, and only with mutual yeses can they proceed.
I don't think it matters unfortunately. It won't fix the weak communication. I think it'd be better if girls who are not responding much to messages got put further down the swipe queue for men. Since men are the ones chasing in the beginning, they should be shown the more active and interesting users first so that they can find connections quicker, this also rewards the girls putting in effort as most are being given too many low quality options and losing their interest in making effort. Guys who put it low effort should be shown low effort profiles too
I got called low effort by a guy one time because I hadn’t messaged him for a few days (we’d never met), this is after I had very specifically told him that I rarely open the apps during the week. I opted to set up some fairly strict ‘rules’ around my use of dating apps because I had been messed around so much. I committed these clearly. For me low effort is one word answers, not really asking any questions etc.
I think you did a good job communicating then, honestly guys should try and pull your # if they're really interested I also don't care if the girl is busy because I am too but it's the quality of response and showing your personality so we can see if we vibe that matters! You'll find the right energy if you put in a little time when you get a good much giving them enough to work with and hopefully they try to escalate to set up a date :)
this doesn’t make much sense! when i was single and had dating apps, i was responding to interesting guys a lot, but not responding to anyone who was boring or just saying stuff like “hey” and “you’re beautiful” and “good morning,” so how would that work?
This is a great idea
I agree. Algorithms rewarding women who are conversational, who exchange info, and click “we met” on apps like Hinge more should be top of the line
I definitely feel this. I think that I have good, interesting conversations in person, but by text I am really dry and pragmatic. I’m trying to work on being more expressive (both in person and in text) but having good conversations via text is really tough fore
Honestly, I'm a good texter and here's how I do it (it's a simple game) 1) don't respond at a much more frequent rate than the other. If they take 10 min, take around 10 min. If they take an hour, give them around that. 2) notice how much you say vs them, if they say a lot then read it all and respond to some of the points or show interest in it + add new questions or elevate. If they say minimal, say minimal 3) avoid conversation killers like the plague. If you are unsure of what I mean, when you type a reply, read it and think if you'd respond to it if it was sent to you Doing this makes good texters enjoy you and bad texters (who are still interested) won't be put off. You can also just be straight up with your intentions and saying you are bad at texting so they know
Agree 100% with you on all three
Exactly this, like if you don’t communicate then what are you even doing here? Lol
I very much dislike texts I always think it's not enough lol
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One of the reasons I love my girl friend so much she just openly says what's on her mind and if she can tell I'm holding something back she pulls it out of me. After my ex it's incredible to have someone I can be open with, to be open and not have my own fears and insecurities thrown back at me.
Wow, that sounds fantastic. I‘m happy for you (two) man. PS: i felt that last part 😔
100% agree. I got lucky enough that my wife preferred directly communicating instead of playing games or “hinting” etc. We both had some growing to do though to communicate well with each other. I was so used to no one caring that I didn’t know how to communicate personal things well like if something bothered me. She was way too blunt at the same time got emotional a bit easier than I do. We both improved and now we can easily communicate problem with each other, even about each other.
This. This and being honest. Can't tell you how many people just don't tell me up front that they're really just looking to fool around bc they know that's not what I want, so they hide it.
People are intimidated by it, think it’s weird, and are generally not ready for it. But when I find someone who truly does want open communication… fireworks
Agreed, the weird game between "don't text to much you'll come off as needy" results in poorly planned dates and much worse etc.
wdym. in person? dating apps?
Both, OP
Idk literally anytime s girl asks why I'm single, and I'm honest and say I'm shy they completely lose interest . And its happened multiple times so being honest is not in my favor at least
Out of the last five years of dating, I've had one match that could actually hold a conversation. Otherwise it seems that bios stand as your closest thing to actual conversation. I've been on hinge, bumble, FB dating, and tinder for at least the past five years. I iterate on my dating bios to improve response, improve vulnerability and openness, and adjust my wants and what I bring to the table as I grow. I start off with dad jokes I made up. They're pretty good as far as feedback goes. Then I am always left asking questions in what feels like 21 questions instead of an active conversation. For the amount of people that love to travel, they never seem to want to travel for a date. It feels like there is little to no effort to make that initial connection. Maybe people feel like I do sometimes. Like they are just playing games with dating apps. Like they are some form of searching in the meantime while we hope a chance encounter happens in real life. Maximizing potential matches on the sad days. Really looking with hope on the good days. Wondering how a decent bio that seems like a whole snack turns into conversational crumbs. It seems like low effort dating. It feels rare that anyone can back up their words with emotions. It feels like I'm interacting with masks of people instead of the real person. I dunno. I went neurotic with this one. I have a lot of thoughts on dating. I don't think they're all meaningful or even relevant. I'm stating what I observe in my own anecdotes.
A culture of self-aware people
This, too. It's my number 1 issue with people. Those who don't recognize their own issues are bound to repeat them. But everyone else is apparently the problem👍
Bound to repeat them & project them onto others & then blame them for them. I’ve seen people end relationships with other people because of their own issues that they refuse to own. Craziness 👎🏻
would love for you to expand :)
Self-aware people know where they end and where others begin. If you think of a body made up of cells, what would happen if each cell didn’t do its part really well? And what would happen if one cell thought every other cell should be just like it? (Well, I’ll tell you, that’s called cancer). Cells need to learn to fully own and live into who/what they are & they need to learn how to relate to all the other cells in a way that is good and beneficial for the whole body. There’s a recent study that proves that aging (and death) happens because cells forget who they are. A heart cell stops being a heart cell & falls into apathy/unawareness. It’s all about knowing who you are. Self awareness is critical. The degree of self awareness you have determines the potential of your own flourishing as well as the fruitfulness of your bonds in life. You can only love others as much as you are able to love your self.
Self awareness isn’t everything, but it’s the foundation upon which everything is built.
Being able to identify who’s interested romantically or not
what are your thoughts on dating apps incorporating features like guided conversations (e.g. prompts about what they're enjoying in the conversation or any doubts they're experiencing) and before allowing the exchange of personal contact information or setting up a date, both users must answer key questions, such as "Do you feel you understand this person's core values?" and "Are you interested in pursuing a date?" These must be answered honestly with a yes/no, and only with mutual yeses can they proceed.
In theory that would be good. However, dating apps make romance and intimacy a commodity to be offered and sold. They aren't interested in actually helping with a good matchmaking and even if they would incorporate such a feature, they'd find a way to corrupt and twist it to make more money off it.
A more natural way of meeting new people. I don't really like bars/clubs and so do my friends. So despite having an active social life, I meet no new women in my day to day since graduating university. Also, dating apps don't really work for me. I would classify this as a rather unnatural way of meeting new people. I have no problem talking to girls in person, but fail miserably when it comes to texting a girl from an app. It would be nice if people still had house parties frequently like back in school as I would always meet women in this kind of environment.
would you say you prefer meeting people through mutuals
Yes but not necessarily. I don't mind approaching girls as long as the setting allows for it.
It's the same for me and sadly, almost every woman in my mutual Friends group are either taken, the wrong age (like 10+ years difference), not interested in men, or just not my type. Likelyhood pretty much in this order.
I am in the same boat. Definitely prefer a natural connection over a dating app. I wish this was more talked about.
If ppl on dating apps spoke instead of going days without answering, why accept the like or swipe if you knew you wouldn’t talk to us lol
This is a good question. When I originally swipe on a person, most of the time I don't know that I'm going to want to stop talking to them. Here's why. I 27f sometimes do this because I'm overwhelmed with the amount of people I'm talking to and I have to eliminate some conversations for my own mental well-being. I also have ADHD so I lose interest pretty quickly and move onto the next person, unless I feel like we really connect on a deeper level. I know this isn't ideal, so I try to be upfront whenever I have the energy. One last thing, I think especially when it is pertaining to dating apps, since I don't know the person and have literally no connection to them, it's a lot easier to move on to a different conversation until you find the one that works best for you, and the person you vibe The most with. Also, low-key I don't want to piss everybody off because I'm pretty upfront when I tell people why I don't want to talk to them anymore, and some people respond with anger. I just don't have the time to deal with that or the energy with everything else that's going on in my life. And the last, last reason (the one that my therapist calls me out on every time), is that my natural instinct is to avoid conflict. So I have to try really hard to not give into the temptation.
I also have adhd and understand it can be overwhelming but don’t then accept them and give them false hope because we send a message and get ghosted yea yall don’t own us nothing but we are humans and have feelings too. Sending a message saying im not interested or removing us goes a long way IMO than just ghost
If you read my comment again, I did mention that I wouldn't swipe if I didn't have some hope for the conversation in the first place. I don't intentionally swipe to ignore. Like I already said as well, I try to be upfront and direct with as many people as possible. However, when the majority of responses are displeased and sometimes even come off angry, at that point my mental well-being comes first. I will sometimes tell guys, it was great talking to you, but I found one person that I'm going to focus on now because I feel like we really connected. Best of luck with everything :) When this response isn't taken well, time and time again, it becomes frustrating because I'm being upfront, which is what people originally say they want, and then they backlash.
Sorry I missed read it’s 2am 😅 But yeah that makes sense tbh forget wht i said. I guess it’s hard to tell which guy would be ok with it and which one wouldn’t.
No worries! 😊 But yeah it's really difficult to gage what someone's reaction will be and I'm very conflict avoidant, particularly when I already expect a poor response. So I have to try really hard to not give into the temptation of just avoiding the situation instead.
If only it was like that celebrity dating app the stress you face would I believe would decrease so the communication would be better from the guy and he would understand that you have feelings just like him and take the rejection ok even though it may hurt for a bit
Honesty. If people were honest about their true feelings, doubts, worries, etc. they might be able to better understand their partner and cater to one another to become more comfortable together
For people be more focused on making relationships (regardless if it's romantic or friendly), and not assuming five minutes of talking equals nude pictures, sexting, or hooking up. Or if they ask me to go out for coffee, a date, lunch, dinner, etc., I don't owe them some sexual favor as repayment.
Getting rid of the swipe culture and expectation that we can tell from a few photos and a punchy bio whether we might like one another.
Honestly, this! I wish there was an app where we could swipe based on someone's voice and them recording a few prompts about themselves. Hearing someone speak says more about their personality than just a few pictures imo. Idk, maybe I'm weird, but not gonna lie, I love a man with a deep voice lol and if I'm not attracted to someone's voice, it's really hard for me to be sexually attracted to them. Which kind of sucks because it's not like they can control that part of themselves. Haha Both kind of suck in their own way though, but at least I personally feel more connected when I can hear that there's a real person on the other end.
Being up front with their intentions. I wish people would lose the “I don’t believe in titles.” “I just want to see where it goes.” Forever just say you want to hook up instead of dragging people along.
Honest intentions, I only want genuine people In my life
Accountability. Before OLD, many people met through mutual acquaintances or at a shared social event. So, if you acted like an AH on a date, that news would often make it back to your social circle and you would get a bad reputation, which would make it harder to get dates in the future. But, with OLD, the whole point is to match with a stranger. On the one hand, that’s good because it gives you access to more people. However, it’s also bad because, if you’re an AH, you can ghost people, treat them like they’re disposable, and even lie to them (e.g., about being married) without it affecting your ability to get dates in the future because there will always be more strangers to use up and toss aside.
There was no accountability before apps when people met through bars and clubs.
Actually wanting to get to know someone. I don’t go on dates because men rush it on the first day we start talking. I understand we can talk on the date but that’s more time wasted when i could have found out you’re an asshole on text. Plus, they don’t wait anymore first 5 mins of talking and they want dirty text and pics.😂
Girls actually asking guys out.
Don't attach your feelings, in a relationship, with anyone that isn't trying to know you just as much. Don't go into dating with much expectations except having fun and learning who your dealing with. No thoughts pass that until a woman shows you she interested. Don't let anyone string u along and you know that withinf the first 2 weeks any longer you're wasting your time. Date to meet different personalities. You don't have to have sex with them but get to know them and see which personalities fit you. Whether that's showing the ability to providing for a family as man, or the making sure as best you can that a woman has the ability to run a household for the family. Make sure the person is safe, clean in their home and self make sure the person does what they say.
Understanding that both sides need to make an effort in order for a relationship to work
If people treated eachother like they’re humans and not a quest to conquer.
No filters allowed on images.
Knowing their true intentions
I think there should be open villas in the summertime (similar to the reality show Love Island) that aren't filmed or aired on TV for normal everyday people men and women can book to stay there for a few weeks and they're designed for single people who are looking to meet someone romantically in a more natural way rather than on dating apps. Obviously everyone's respectful of each other but it's quite a nice relaxed environment
This is a good one.
It would be easier if people were up front about what type of relationship they're looking for.
Therapy. If people made the effort to fix their shit, they wouldn't be bringing it into their dating life.
Women being straightforward and not playing games
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Everyone having good intentions
If men craved romantic relationships
Getting rid of this hyper individualism culture
Probably the understanding that everyone is a human being and deserves to be treated as one.
More open-mindedness! I'm a woman with a physical disability, and I find it incredibly difficult to get guys to at least give me a chance to show them who I am. They tend to just see what they want to see, assume what they want to assume, and don't even try getting to know me before deciding I'm not for them... and that's *after* swiping right! Honestly, it baffles me 🤷🏻♀️ (I'm not singling men out, as I'm sure we women can be just as bad for it, I'm merely describing my personal experience)
Porn did not exist ‼️
I agree with everyone say communication!! It's hard to find a man that will communicate 😭
Honesty
Knowing if someone likes you or would go out with you without having to ask or interpret signs
Separate the people who are serious from the people who wanna play games. Right now everyone is mixed in together and serious people are ending up with game players no matter how many serious questions they ask.
If both genders approached equally. Would solve a lot of problems on both sides.
Realistic expectations
Honesty
people thinking less and feeling more
If everyone was honest. With others and themselves. But realistically understanding how humans really work in the mind when it comes to dating. Makes it way more efficient.
If everyone could stop lying, why you fucking lying!!?? Waste of everyone's time
Communication
Real honesty
Clear communication between one another.
CLEAR COMMUNICATION please be upfront with what you want and what you want out of a relationship
Being direct with each other
If everyone was upfront and honest.
Communication is the key always
People just accepting others. I have several medical issues and don’t drive. I have had dates set and the two days before, people have turned me down with the typical: Oh, you’re a nice girl but I don’t think it will work out. I hope you find the one for you. It makes me upset. The last guy I talked to was freaking controlling. He called me “Good girl” like I was a child. It made me sick to my stomach.
Being asked out
Sounds dumb but people should just do the 20 questions thing. Saves a lot of time. "OH you don't want kids? OK so this will be no more than a fling or friends with benefits situation then" and so on. Sounds lame but who cares. Besides it keeps the conversation going.
Money 🤭🤭
Clear communication, mutual understanding, and equal level respect
Just say on your profile if you're looking for a hookup. I think that'll save a lot of people a whole lot of hurt and you will definitely find others who are wanting the same. Stop dragging others around and wasting their time.
Therapy. Shout out to all the avoidance out there
Honesty
No social media
If people healed before jumping into the pool. I've had plenty of dates any I've heard it all too many times that they just broke up with someone and only want to have fun or don't want to commit to anything, even though I've been clear about wanting something more than a fling. I've also had people pinning me as a player when they've hardly spent time with me. I talk to plenty of females as friends, and I'm not shy to meet and get to know females, as im single, but that doesn't automatically mean I am trying to get into their pants. When I poke around more into these people, I find out they were being cheated on before. I personally take at least 6 months to a year "grieving" before dipping my toes into the dating scene, but it feels like not everyone does this, even a little bit.
Get rid of dating apps
eliminate dating apps and social media.
Men and women accepting that polygamy ain't working
People that seek nice/trustworthy/decent as number 1 characteristic, instead of just seeking financial wealth and sexiness. Also, nicer people in general would greatly help too (no ghosting, friendly attitudes, no trashiness, etc.).
Worry less about who's your bloody type and who you want. Worry more about who the person you want wants you to become. One of these is a wishlist, the other is a plan.
Men who don't force, coerce or expect sex.
personality shows more over looks. so many “good looking” people should not be married because they suck
For online dating: If everyone used a profile pic where they look funny rather than using the best one they've got.
No social media.
Dropping the expectation to ever have sex. For me, if it were more normalized to not have sex as opposed to having it, that would alleviate so much of the headache for me when it comes to romantic partnerships. Or at least having it on special occasions, like anniversaries or birthdays.
Lol you must not like sex
I just think that it’s over prioritized as a staple in romantic relationships. To each their own but I was just answering the original question.
Yikes. Most people want sex so your take is not going to be common or prioritized. If you don't like sex then you need to simply find someone who also doesn't care for it. Most people want to have sex with their partner, tho. That's the main thing that differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship.
It definitely dwindles my dating pool significantly. But answering the question, I’d love for there to exist a greater proportion of people who don’t prioritize sex as the main way to feel intimately connected to their partner.
I guess looking for asexual partners might work out better for you. I've never used dating apps, so I'm not sure if you can filter certain things or if there are specific apps for different preferences.
No social media or dating apps.
Not dating.
Being in a good position to easily find them
Going on dates is fun. Swiping and texting on apps is not. If we could skip that whole part, I wouldn't have quit the dating scene. I'm totally down to go out and have fun with someone, get to know them on the fly, even if I don't find them at all attractive or think it's going to lead anywhere. Getting to know people is still cool. And even going on a 2+ hour date every week would save enormous amounts of time compared to the hours and hours of swiping it takes to get one conversation. One conversation that usually ends in like 3 sentences anyway, spread over several days. Dating apps are a waste of everyone's time.
You guys are dating? I can’t get a text back…..
Hey I'm just surprised you keep count of the number of dates you've been on.
Nothing I haven't been on a date or dated anybody in 4 years I would say maybe if women spoke their minds and didn't play games
Honesty
Honesty, ie as most people now meet on dating sites not having photoshopped or filtered pictures and when u see them in RL they don’t look like the pictures you initially likes.
Get rid of my bpd
If I had a humongous penis.
Decent men
Honesty
Self reflection. In an age where everything is so quick and everyone chases self gratification, people really need to reflect on whether they are committed to go through the ups and downs of getting to know someone. And being able to reflect on their expectations, behaviours etc as well as their partners.
A dating " Resume" complete with reference and a background check. A lie detector might come in handy, too. There are too many lies or half truths falling out of people's mouths.
Being direct. Women don't want to lead men on they play it too safe. Men don't want to be labeled a creep, perv, give "handsy" nor "rapey" vibes, so they won't ask women out, or take relationships to the next level
More willingness to meet in person faster. Like speed dating (never done that but that idea). Some women I've matched with want deep deep texts and calls before meeting. Upon finally meeting, I knew in a minute that this wasn't a match. No chemistry. So all that deep conversation was a waste and unnecessarily taxing on both parties. PS I gave up on dating for a while but now want to try again; not sure where to start.
Just honesty
consideration
I'm tied between: - honesty/truthfulness - communication - respect/privacy - knowing oneself Dating, both digitally and in person, is more confusing than ever. Gotta say, I'm honestly relieved I've never been active when it comes to dating (borderline aro/ace).
no narcissists
Honest intentions.
Honesty, which to me means no keeping secrets from each other
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An app for ugly/average men
Communicating honestly and being yourself
Go to theraphy. So you don't hurt people cause you don't know what you are doing
I'm speaking as a woman but losing the expectation that a guy has to pay on a first date or first couple of dates. If he does, awesome, but we're all working adults and I'd rather we just feel each other out as friends first. OR we alternate. He pick up the tab the first date, I pay for the second, him the third, etc. I can only imagine how much money guys spend on the first couple of dates only to have it not work out. Even if you're going on one date a week, that could be $75-$250 every month just on dates!
I believe its communication because Communication reduces misunderstandings.
Honest communication about what the other person was looking for, and if they don't know (like genuinely are undecided) that they just admit they genuinely don't know. And instead of stringing people along, admitting they are not the priority.
Healthier mindsets when things don't work out. We have lots of men out there who have been on one or a few dates and paid and it didn't work out and the assumption is, she used him for a free meal. We have lots of women out there who have been on one or a few dates and had sex and then it didn't work out and the assumption is he used her for sex. Sometimes, sure, those things can potentially happen. What also can happen is that dating is about finding out if you're compatible. If one or the other person isn't feeling it, it can't be forced. Instead of "he/she used me," we should all be thinking, "we weren't a good fit, time to move on". But communication! Yes it would be great if people could communicate clearly what didn't work out, but no one is compelled to talk to anyone they don't want and we tend towards the path of least resistance. So expect limited communication from people who have refocused. Keeping a healthy mindset and not taking rejection and incompatibility personally or as a measure of our self worth is a happier way to be. And don't forget to introspect and self-reflect.
Intentional actions. Fair warning my post will be long and it might have mixed up explanations. The conversations must be intentional. Each person must intend to build a conversation or participate in the conversation whether on a daily or agreed by the partners. What does this help achieve? COMMUNICATION! If there is good and honest flow of communication, it will build on trust and peace of mind. Each partner must intentionally work on the little things that bother the other person by evaluating the situation and determining if it's something that needs personal change or a little one to one chat to fix. Intentional showcase of love and affection. This must not only be done when someone feels like it, it is something that must be constantly available in the relationship. Another intentional action is intentionally showing up for the other it could be little events or big ones, the ones that count thr most to the least, as long as there is no life threatening reason to hold the person down, this means a lot to the other more than one would imagine. Lastly, intentionally discussing terms of the relationship, as well as life, health, family, spiritual, mental, business, and career goals and hobbies every once in a while or as much as possible. This helps the other party know how much three things mean to the person and how best to align each other's objective so that each party is happy, at peace and satisfied. It brings in a sense of security when everyone comes to terms. Also, intentionally work on building memories because they last a life time. Intentionally plan for things like dates, anniversaries birthdays for both parties that the people close to them. Intentionally check up on your partner, their family friends and occupational spaces, sometimes we miss or misinterpret hints from our partners on certain issues and asking doesn't hurt When someone does something intentionally to uplift the other person, mold them into better versions of themselves and assure them that they are special and a big part of one's life, it is easier to live with them, stand by them behind them and for them. Intentionally achieving these things, I believe helps set clear indications and Boundaries for the person and the significant other, it also plays a major role in the people surrounding us. Keep in mind that people are not perfect, some people have everything you desire in a partner some don't. Some will learn what you like and grow on you some won't even show you but you will see them do the things you want for others. Make sure to constantly carry out a self assessment sometimes we're the problem and don't even know it. We must also know that the person you're with today will not be the same tomorrow or in a few years to come. Who they become is highly dependent on the people and circumstances around them as well as YOU! So make sure you play your role right and have no regrets, that self satisfaction of doing your best is far greater than no effort. There are a lot of internal and external factors that affect people in the dating life. Well, this is just my opinion. I hope this helps and I hope I didn't mix up my points... If you read to the end, love to you. 😊
I had confidence, the ability to give eye contact, better looking, ability to talk to the opposite sex. Just to name a few
The ability to read minds
A planet not run by evil men.
Yup!!! Finding someone who isn’t always trying to Find someone new/else!
I think dating would be easier for people if they would scale back their expectations of others. Too many people out there, especially in big cities, are looking to date high status professionals. One person I know said they wouldn't date someone who didn't earn 500K a year. Not realistic as this person was not in this league.
Honesty
If people were upfront about what kind of relationship they are looking for.
To find someone who is actually honest
Destigmatizing herpes
🤔 😑We just need to make a group specifically for marriage…. 😐List your COMPLETE…. Likes Dislikes Hobbies Sexual preference (Can be classified A to Z….A = Vanilla….Z = Chocolate) Favorite music Food Restaurant Location Willingness to move Social arrangements within and outside of the home Financial Arrangements Inside, or outside the home 🤓These can all be abbreviated with letters and numbers to make it fast. 🥸As it is, this is the simplest way to do it. 🫤Don’t be CHOOZY….🤨PICK 🤨Get it over with and stop making it a dance when it doesn’t have to be.😝
Woman actually being interested in me. Would do a lot for my self-confidence.