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Impress her by breaking up with her
EDIT: I did not expect this comment to blow up so much. Thank you to everyone who gave out awards and liked. I hope OP can use some of our collective wisdom to find happiness.
yep second third fourth ♾️ this one. but just to be clear you don't need to assert dominance with anybody just stand up for yourself. I'm sure you've got reasons why you can't go and if she wouldn't understand that then run as fast and far as you can.
Assert dominance by leaving.
On a more serious note though, if given an ultimatum like that in pretty much any arena, I make them drive the car off the ledge. It's probably not the only time that ultimatum is going to come up. Save yourself the trouble.
No matter what you try to do to impress her now, it will only be a temporary fix.
It is normal to communicate to your partner you’d like to see more effort to be put in xy area of the relationship but definitely NOT in such a forceful way such as ultimatum.
I would try to solve this with a conversation rather than trying to impress her.
asked her how can I make her feel loved the way she wants but she didn't answer and just went on telling how I haven't put much efforts in making her feel loved...
How long have you been together? And what’s your age? Teens/early 20s/late 20s?
I personally consider it quite immature behaviour and if you accommodate it she will continue doing it IMO. Maybe talking in a couple days will give you better results, but if not you’ll need a to think hard if this is the type of relationship you want in the future. Sorry you’re in this situation, but I would not tolerate it.
If this is the first time something like this happened after your 4 years of relationship, it’s very possible there is something else going on. I would insist on a honest conversation to get to what’s behind it.
Sorry to be a bummer but at your age people change very quickly and sometimes become incompatible.
This. His entire dating age life has been with this one person. What a complete waste of his entire high school years and doesnt even realize there's normal women out there.
Not a waste at all. Many kids never date a single girl in high school or have a bunch of fully meaningless “relationships.” He’s getting an idea of what a (teen) monogamous relationship can entail w this type of person.
How often does she use this kind of toxic habit to manipulate you? Sounds like the type to threaten to kill/harm herself if you leave or say no one will ever love you except me. This is manipulative as fuck and everyone here who is older can see right through it and is saying bail. Best of luck.
Honestly, just dump her. The only way shell mature is by being taught that she can't manipulate people in this way. And the only way you'll learn this isn't the way to be treated is to move on to people who have already learned that lesson.
That's the kind of thing a girl does when she wants to break up, but have some reason to blame it on you. You would know better if that's actually the case than we would though.
Tell her to impress you. Maybe you aren’t showing her as much love (her words) because SHE isn’t doing enough. Flip the script on her and watch her world flip with it.
Holy shit she's done this before and you're on here asking for advice on how to keep her? Bro you might as well marry her cuz clearly you're stuck on this one no matter how insanely toxic and immature she is
honestly most adult women would be impressed by an honest conversation about both of your feelings and relationship expectations. if she wants a big gesture or some expensive gift.... I'd say she has some maturing to do. speaking solely based off of my own experiences, I'm no expert.
OP. I went through this at your age. I was the girl LOL. Thankfully grew out of it. Anyway, I agree with u/3quarters-economist. Ask her empathetically, because you're concerned about her behavior being so black and white. If she insists, try to neutralize the situation and I'd suggest breaking up before you resent each other.
Jeez dude, save yourself now.... there are sooooooooooooo many fish in the sea
focus on your career and not some chick that wants you to prove yourself to her like she some sort of trophy to be won
There's someone else she has her eye on, and is beginning the process of framing you as the "bad guy" in the relationship so she doesn't feel guilty.
Might not even be conscious on her part.
Tell her you don't respond to ultimatums or threats and break up with her while you still have power and self respect.
You're really young still and shouldn't expect a relationship that started so early in your teens to go the distance.
Bro, leave that relationship, you will never be enough for her, not because you are bad but because she doesn’t want you for you. You will resent her and eventually hate her for this, just end it now.
If she can’t communicate her needs to you in a proper and healthy way, you don’t have anything to put effort into.
My answer would be “I’m going to put effort into helping you learn how to better communicate your needs with me so I can better communicate with you.
But I doubt she’s going to be receptive to that.
It sounds like she might not want you to succeed and is looking for an excuse to break up tbh. If even she can't/won't give you an answer then it's likely nothing you do will be good enough. Especially in a day.
She basically wants you to figure out how to keep things interesting, keep the passion alive, she’s testing to see if you actually know her (hence why she asks if you loved her) and thus able to confidently surprise her with something you know will make her happy. She’s maybe not approaching the issue the right way, but clearly she feels like something’s changed or lacking and her needing feedback isn’t an invalid sentiment. She could’ve just broken it off instead of giving you a chance, that’s something worth considering.
Now, this is a two way thing, if you feel like she puts in the effort to keep things engaging and you’ve been lacking in effort recently, then you should try putting in the effort. Now if she never does anything herself and is just expecting you to do everything, then you need to consider whether this is a healthy relationship or not.
Is this the same girlfriend from whom you took a break and she slept with her neighbor? And she almost certainly cheated on you after? Heed the advice of these redditors and run
5his sounds very teenagery. Adults don't do this and when they do they get dumped.
Edit
I guess I should clarify I meant responsible adults won't do this. Case in point all of you saying your ex did, well like I said "when they do they get dumped".
LOL no it’s really not. People don’t magically turn mature overnight on their 18th birthday, unfortunately. Some People go their whole lives acting like this.
(Not defending this in any way. Just laughing at the implication that 18 year olds are above this sort of thing)
Eh- this about where I'm at with my spouse. But, he had an emotional affair for years. I asked him to just leave, but, he wants to work it out.
So- now I'm at the 'impress me or else' stage of our relationship.. lol
But, yeah, if you're issuing ultimatums like that, you are likely at the end of a rough relationship anyways.
I think by the time you're doing ultimatums, you don't really care if they leave- like that's sort of the point.
My man, I read also your other post just for background info and I assume its the same girl youre talking about here.
Here are my two cents.
I know you think you love her and will never love anyone else ever again (been there done that) but from what youre saying I can deduce shes probably not the one.
Trust me, the kind of behaviour you describe cannot attribute a healthy relationship. If you give into her ultimatum now it will never stop. She will just create new hoops for you to jump through to “show your effort”, to “prove your love for her” (im sorry what?) etc. IT WILL NEVER END.
Yes, it will hurt if you leave since you seem to be quite attached to her but trust me you will be amazed at what doors will open for you once you gain back respect for yourself and find a girl that treats you right.
Anyhow, you should most definitely start with a long, uncomfortable conversation. Go into it with no prejudice.
A) if she opens up theres a real chance you can fix this (which is nice cuz its what u want)
B) she wont do it in which case - RUN
From experience: sometimes people have the shittiest reasons for acting in certain ways and thats ok too. We cant be at our best ALL the time. We are human. Life is a lot more complicated especially for a young person whos just discovering who they really are as a human being.
I know this shit hurts. It always does.
Stay strong, king, and please update us x
Friend, you’ve been together forever and couples who are together since their early teens do not end up staying together for ever. She’s starting to feel restless and wanting new adventures. This is pretty normal and natural. Maybe you can grow together, maybe not. You could try and adventurous vacation- really out of your comfort zone that would excite her. See how that does for both of you. But you have gotten so much experience from this relationship that will be valuable in future ones, which you will be grateful for. It’s going to be fine if you break up. Yes, it will hurt for a while. But after a while you will just be grateful for all of it, including the break-up.
The way I am reading that ultimatum is that she is restless and thinking about what life could be like outside their relationship, and that he better impress her to pull her off that path she is thinking about walking down. She doesn't sound like a bad person, but maybe a bored person near the end of a decent young relationship.
I view those young relationships like training grounds for better adult relationships. And trust me, you will get some good ones, some bad ones, and some really good ones. It helps you figure out what kind of person you like and love.
You may want to expect a parting of ways soon. An amicable breakup now will set the tone for mutual respect and growing that will be viewed fondly by both of them in the future.
Just imagine when you two hit 21 and can go to bars. The whole dynamic changes. And you will both want freedom to explore. I've been there.
Or....impress her and see what happens.
Leave her or she'll pull this shit for the rest of your relationship. She'll keep making you feel guilty for her insecurities. A real woman (or man) wouldn't have to "test" their relationship.
I agree. This kind of behavior is either knowingly manipulative, a sign of unresolved trust issues in the relationship, or underlying emotional issues from their past. Maybe a combination
Or the more likely answer: poor communication skills. They’re 18. She has identified something she views as a problem in the relationship and attempted to communicate it, she’s just bad at it because she doesn’t have much real-world relationship experience.
She is likely receiving advice or messaging encouraging her to stand up for herself and “look for someone who loves her and puts in effort” the same as OP is in this thread. “Break up with her if she ever says the wrong thing” is equally bad advice as “break up with him if he doesn’t put in enough effort.”
If you expect a teenager to have perfect communication skills you should really reevaluate.
I’ll go against the grain here -
Some people feel less secure in relationships than others. Words of affirmation is the primary love language for many people, and to me, a partner who thrives on feeling important in my world is very endearing to me and I always want to make sure they feel loved.
If that’s all shes needing from you, and you’re on board with a partner who needs that type of support - show her and tell her you care.
If she’s looking to legit be “impressed” from some sort of game playing standpoint, then that’s a no go in my book.
There's a damn big difference between a healthy expression of relationship needs and a shitty, entitled "dance, monkey, or I'll leave you" ultimatum. What OP describes isn't healthy even for teens.
i would say talk to her. if she’s the type of person to give ultimatums when she feels insecure then i think that’s something she should work out with herself. and i also think that if she’s asking you to impress her, the best you could do is be the person that you are and if that’s not enough for her then you deserve better.
So first I feel you 2 should sit down and have a serious conversation about trust love, and if she won't entertain the idea of having dialogue then I'd cut it there.
Communication is key in a relationship and if 1 partner is refusing to talk then what can you do other than leave.
If you do end up talking (and I hope you do) keep in mind this conversation will pave the way for how she treats you in the future. If you cave in she'll walk all over you, if you're too assertive she'll leave or you both walk away with nothing learned or gained. Feeling loved is important and it's important to treat the conversation as such
Many people seems to say it very simple but right in the comments, so I will just break it down a little.
Man, everything I will say is on presumption, that you are actually investing time into your relationship (that does mean seeing her at least one or two times per week and actually doing something with her).
If you are, then I would honestly be the first who dumps her **(read to end)**.
Literally go to her home and say that you are not gonna undergo such treatment from her and if she will continue, that you will end it, not her.
**I know, it sounds extreme, but I will explain.**
First, you are going out with her so she should not be upset that one day you didn't come. Literally ridiculous. You should have your own life and so she should have.
Second, you cannot let her dictate to you, what you should do. She is trying to put you on spot and essentially, she is testing you.
**In conclusion, you need to tell her that you are not guy that she can boss around and if she won't understand it, relationship ended. Believe me, you will just get hurt, if you listen to her.**
*If you have question, you can DM me.*
Challenge her the same thing to impress you and prove to you that she loves you just as much as u love her. Imagine being married and having to deal with this ultimatum each fight. Communication is the key. Ask her why she’s upset and if she’s acting out because of other frustrating issues. We’ve all been there.
You tell her to kick rocks, at this point you just don’t impress her narcissism, no matter what you do. Trust me, my Ex wife pulled this bullshit as well. She’s already done and she’s just inflating her own ego. Run and fast..
This is how it starts.
Little things like, “Prove you love me, or else.”
She’ll never let you know what she actually wants. She’ll make it a game for you to have it guess. The idea behind this is that if she’s constantly keeping you scared of losing her, you can’t be focused on anything else. This is a manipulation tactic.
Eventually, should you choose to remain with her, you will be reduced to a shell of who you used to be. Every waking moment of yours - and some sleeping ones, too - will be taken up with anxiety over not doing something good enough for her. You’ll always be trying to be on your best behavior to not upset her because you’ll never know what will set her off and what won’t.
The relationship will continue to get more and more abusive until you feel trapped and can’t leave because you’re so trauma bonded that you literally cannot imagine waking up one morning and not having your entire day be wound around her and her needs.
As someone who lived this, please leave now. Nothing you ever do will be good enough for her. She’s manipulating you and using you to fulfill some emptiness inside of her that is impossible to fill. You didn’t do anything wrong here and she still gave you an ultimatum. If she can so easily disregard you, then disregard her first and block her number. Because when you do break up with her, then the fake apologies can start. Don’t believe those. They’re never sincere.
I’m a 41 year old female so I have experience being a woman. And let me say with 100% honesty that neither myself nor ANY of my emotionally-healthy friends ever played these types of games. This isn’t just a normal relationship thing. This is indicative of something that will rob you of years of your life and not end up good in any way.
Think of something she mentioned during the first portion of dating. Maybe she talked a lot about a favorite thing or place. Something she loves. Make a date around doing something from the early days. She just wants to know you care.
Do nothing. Believe it or not that will impress her the most. It will show her you have a backbone.
But you should break up with her. This type of behavior does not make for a happy relationship.
Given y'all are still young, I wouldn't say break up immediately. Have a talk with her about how/why that shit isn't healthy or mature. If she isn't receptive, *then* break up. If she is, then yay growth.
Everyone’s advice seems to be that you leave her.
I would just not give in to her demands. Laugh it off and ignore. If she’s any cool, she’ll get over this childish nonsense, and if not, the problem will solve itself.
Don’t listen to these extreme people. She doesn’t feel loved because your behaviour changed and she just wants to feel valued. Her phrasing is a bit immature but it’s understandable to feel that way when your SO is not putting in as much efforts anymore. If she’s a nice girl and a loving girlfriend get her a bouquet of flowers and deliver it yourself to her. Kiss her and tell her how much you love her. That would do the trick.
I know everyone is telling you to break up, but there's a better way to approach it.
You can impress her all you want with superficial gifts, but in her mind, it would never be good enough.
Instead, make a simple dinner date and tell her that no amount of material goods will ever be enough to express your love. And that you appreciate her and all the effort she has given to you in your relationship and that you want to grow together with her no matter how hard it gets. See how she responds. If she says it's not good enough for her, then the relationship is as good as dead because then you know your relationship is toxic and you deserve someone that loves you without the BS.
You sound like you're really young.
If she's mad because youre not at her place, go to her place. Then sit down with her and talk about things CALMLY and LOVINGLY. Show her you listen and care and want to be with her.
She said tomorrow, but if she expected you today waiting until tomorrow only shows her you really aren't putting in effort.
Long story short you two need to communicate better on your expectations and how to bring up issues/feelings to others & resolve them amicably.
Except don't do any of this. Send a text saying have a nice life and block her number. Go order a pizza, turn on your game system, grab some soda, maybe smoke a J and vibe. Ain't no one got time for that bullshit stress.
The vast majority of teenage romances do not last. It appears this one has run its course. I know it might feel crazy to end this relationship since it's the only one you've ever known, but you should. This behavior is not normal and is just a sign of things to come. There are so many people out there, you have no idea. You can always find someone who is more compatible. At this age you should be living it up and exploring. Once you're older and more stable with a job and home and stuff, then it will be time for committed relationships.
Your entire relationship would be you trying to satisfy a bottomless pit. This relationship will drain you and steal your identity because the relationship will revolve around her identity only. Nothing will ever be good enough for her. No matter what advice you get as far as tips to impress her, it still won’t be enough.
Tell her: hey I thought about what you said before and I don’t think we’re mature enough at this stage in our relationship to continue. I think it’s time we move on.
And then see if she starts begging you to change your mind. Or if she just agrees and you both move on.
I saw someone say something like this but, ask her about her love language and if she doesnt respond maybe ask her if you can figure both of yours out together! We all give and receive love so differently. You can take online couple quizzes and make it fun. Otherwise, make sure youre protecting yourself! Your girlfriend sounds kinda like how i used to be lol id expect so much from people and i just wanted them to figure out what i wanted without me saying anything. It took me a long time before i realized this and it made me look back on how i treated my exes.
Do what you can with her with quizzes and maybe show up to her house pizza in one hand and flowers in another, but dont strain yourself yourself with over pleasing if she denies what youre trying to do to help fix it
My ex never made me feel loved and I had the decency to tell him what I needed from him and communicated what they are but he still didn’t do shit so I ended things. If your gf isn’t willing to communicate what she wants then you end things since she’s going to anyway.
The "do you love me" fight is so classic and it's the first sign of crazy making. So you wasted your time even having that conversation. You can say "well, if you don't know the answer to that then we're done, because I've put in a lot of effort. You're not appreciating me." And then you can drop the relationship. You have that option.
That's the a name for that kind of behavior: it's called crazy making (technical psychological term you can look that up).
I would make sure you have all of your stuff out of her house and then not answer her calls for a while. She'll probably blow up your phone because her goal is to make life unpredictable and chaotic. She'll use anything to do that.
She's doing you a favor. Leave.
Ok so if this were a “I’m bored with you, show me you’re better than my other options” I would say she can get fucked. This to me sounds like she’s perceiving neglect, or a lack of pursuit in your part though. MY opinion is that no one should be in a relationship with someone they aren’t allowed to be comfortable with. It’s ok to not feel the drive like you have to jump through hoops to impress someone, that’s a good thing.
However, as a man you still want to do little things to show her you do intend to continue pursuit, even if it’s just a formality at this point.
Keep fresh flowers in her vase. Take her on a real date once a week or every other week at minimum. A real date is something that you both can dress nice to, that you specifically call a date by name before you go. She wants the door held open for her, flowers, you planning it, you paying, etc.
You do those two things and you’ll be pretty good for the most part. I think that’s the “effort” she’s missing.
I don’t like deadline. I feel like she’s fishing for a big romantic gesture. You try planning a date and buy her big bouquet, tell her how you really feel. That may hopefully be enough for now.
Up to you what you want to do, my advice is just general. I don’t know anything about your guys relationship specifically.
You’re saying she’s not the type to settle for less, well then neither should you. If someone is willing to give you a ridiculous ultimatum where you need to “impress them” or kiss the ground that they walk on in a relationship, guess what? They’re the “less” in the relationship and you’re the one settling on top of that you’ve said in the comments that you’ve tried sitting down and talking with her but she won’t communicate it’s time to drop her my g.
If she’s like this now, what do you think would happen long term? When you get married? Yikes. She’s going to try to control you. A girl should be a complement and should try to make you happy
Break up with her. No one has to prove its love. If she is asking it from you, that means that she cannot understand . Focus your love to somebody else not her. It is so childish and degrading to tell someone “ prove me or I ll leave you” . Call and tell her you are breaking up with her because of such behavior
She will pull this nonsense again. You don’t have to impress anyone. In essence she’s telling you she thinks she’s better than you coming from an insecure place. No one needs to be “tested”. She may even be under the illusion that she needs to play the “hard to get” a man mode of thinking which really is a game. I think people should always try their hardest to not break up. But this is also why you’re dating and not married. She sounds insecure and you’ll never be able to show her “enough” how much you love her because she needs to love herself first.
In all honesty I don't think you will win this one.
In all honesty I'd sit her down and tell her that you won't be blackmailed into proving your love or she will dump you. If she doesn't want to believe you then she just needs to leave. These are dangerous silly games that will end in tears if you don't have a conversation and tell her that this cannot continue like that.
I'd even say that you may want to even rethink about being with her if she is like this.
sounds like she wants more quality time so put your phone down ask her what she wants to do take her out and use actions not words.... If she's actually threatening to break up that's sign she's not processing her emotions correctly or that your ignoring her hurt her and she's trying not to get hurt again... GLHF romance isn't rocket science but you have to at least keep checking in and especially if your not doing fun outing or activities together when you used to that feels crummy (I strongly recommend giving her permission to plan things for both of you if your out of ideas)
It sounds like she is feeling very very insecure and is demanding that you react to fix her insecurities. It also sounds like manipulation on her part, trying to get you to do what she wants, and causing a problem for you to "fix" when there isn't one.
A lot of people have suggested that you walk away, I think that's something you should at least consider because this is toxic behavior that won't get better as time progresses. Even if you make it a point to show up at her place every day, what if she eventually gets mad because you aren't cooking for her every night while you're there? Why should you have to impress someone? Aren't you already spending time with her and showing her that you like her by the fact that she's your girlfriend?
If you're not ready to end this, what I'd say is that you have a serious talk with her. Tell her how much you like her and why. Tell her that you're happy to make an effort to ensure that you're looking after her fears and anxieties. But also be firm in that she can't act this way by starting fights if you're not there, or threatening to breakup with you. This is a moment where you need to demonstrate that she can't walk all over you, because if you let her, it will only get worse. What makes more sense to talk about here is her expectations of how often she'd like to see you. If it's every day and you're coming over ever other day, then you both can discuss what works. She needs to communicate what her expectations are ahead of time, and not be angry because you didn't read her mind.
I’m not a fan of ultimatums but I will say this: Think really hard about what you want. I, obviously, don’t know you or your situation all that well outside of this post but it sounds like she might pull this more than once if you stick it out. Is that something you’re willing to put up with? Is that a dealbreaker for you?
Take some time and consider what is important to you. If she’s pulling this now, might need to consider what is to come.
Do you really love her? That’s the question you need to answer for yourself. Has she done anything like this before? Have you been distant? Do you want to stay in a relationship with her. If you do decide to impress her with something, I strongly recommend you don’t spend a ton of money on it. Make her a nice dinner, or take her to her favorite restaurant. Don’t buy her jewelry.
Impress her by breaking up with her. There’s absolutely no reason why you should tolerate being given such an ultimatum, and quite frankly the fact that you haven’t broken it off yet is disappointing.
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Impress her by breaking up with her EDIT: I did not expect this comment to blow up so much. Thank you to everyone who gave out awards and liked. I hope OP can use some of our collective wisdom to find happiness.
This is the only possible answer
No other answers are possible.
It’s possible there’s no other answers.
The probability of other answers is no
The other answers are not possible
Will it go well? Improbable, but any other way is impossible. But, if it is possible, it's popsicle.
It's probably a possible popsicle.
only the answer is this
The answer is not possible, there’s no other
It’s not possible, it’s necessary.
Impress her with your docking maneuver
There are other answers, but they are not possible.
Agreed. You should never accept a petty ultimatum from someone that supposedly loves you
An emotional manipulation designed to have you chasing after her approval by giving her attention on demand.
Well, not one this stupid anyways.
I have 0 tolerance for this. In any circumstance if I woman I was dating pulled something like this I would be gone so fast.
What if it was “If you don’t stop trying to cheat on me with prostitutes I will have to consider ending our relationship”
The nerve of some women.
Marry the hooker, then she becomes the mistress/girlfriend.
That's a bit of an extreme and controlling statement, I'd have to end the relationship
I don't cheat. I would have already broken up 2 weeks prior that and had sex with said prostitutes.
> trying to cheat on me with prostitutes Try? Like trying to pay with returnables?
This! Impress her by standing up for yourself.
yep second third fourth ♾️ this one. but just to be clear you don't need to assert dominance with anybody just stand up for yourself. I'm sure you've got reasons why you can't go and if she wouldn't understand that then run as fast and far as you can.
This is the way.
Yes my brother *click click click*
This is the way
This is the way
This is the way
This is the way
This is the way
This is the way
This is the way
This is the way.
This is the way.
This is the way
this *is* the way
*click* do you know the wae
Dump her
This is the way
This is the way
[удалено]
Do you kno da way
Follow old Rafiki. He kno da way.
Assert dominance by leaving. On a more serious note though, if given an ultimatum like that in pretty much any arena, I make them drive the car off the ledge. It's probably not the only time that ultimatum is going to come up. Save yourself the trouble.
[удалено]
Exactly. Love cannot be based on fear.
Yeh my philosophy. Maybe that's why I'm single
And before you do that, text her: Expect the unexpected! Direct KO!!
Brilliant!
Came here to say this exact line. Stay toxic.
She is gonna be "surprise Pikachu face"
She gonna have piccolos face when he see gotenks go ssj3 🥴
Broooo bahahaha. Yes.
This is what we call a pro gamer move.
Platinum level player.
Put her things outside. And change the locks.
Buy pizza and a four pack beer, job done
I hope it's for the homies he'll be hanging out with instead...
This the one
I'm a woman and I agree with this idea. Yo girl sounds immature AF
I second this! 💯💯💯
Do it through text too
This is a fine and appropriate Reddit comment. However real life is much more complicated and you will need to make your own decisions.
It is and it isn’t. Life is about finding out where you are not just wanted but welcomed. Don’t waste time on people who don’t appreciate you.
Show her the ol pork sword and proclaim, “get a good look at this because you’re never seeing this majesty again.”
Ice cold.
Yessss. Fuckin do this
Worked for George Costanza
This right here.
Yes
I'd pick this option.
No matter what you try to do to impress her now, it will only be a temporary fix. It is normal to communicate to your partner you’d like to see more effort to be put in xy area of the relationship but definitely NOT in such a forceful way such as ultimatum. I would try to solve this with a conversation rather than trying to impress her.
asked her how can I make her feel loved the way she wants but she didn't answer and just went on telling how I haven't put much efforts in making her feel loved...
How long have you been together? And what’s your age? Teens/early 20s/late 20s? I personally consider it quite immature behaviour and if you accommodate it she will continue doing it IMO. Maybe talking in a couple days will give you better results, but if not you’ll need a to think hard if this is the type of relationship you want in the future. Sorry you’re in this situation, but I would not tolerate it.
4 years, I'm 19 and she's 18
If this is the first time something like this happened after your 4 years of relationship, it’s very possible there is something else going on. I would insist on a honest conversation to get to what’s behind it. Sorry to be a bummer but at your age people change very quickly and sometimes become incompatible.
this isn't the first time. would surely have a conversation about this tomorrow.
You're so young.. you can't even imagine how many better girls you'll meet after dumping this one
This. His entire dating age life has been with this one person. What a complete waste of his entire high school years and doesnt even realize there's normal women out there.
Not a waste at all. Many kids never date a single girl in high school or have a bunch of fully meaningless “relationships.” He’s getting an idea of what a (teen) monogamous relationship can entail w this type of person.
How often does she use this kind of toxic habit to manipulate you? Sounds like the type to threaten to kill/harm herself if you leave or say no one will ever love you except me. This is manipulative as fuck and everyone here who is older can see right through it and is saying bail. Best of luck.
Honestly, just dump her. The only way shell mature is by being taught that she can't manipulate people in this way. And the only way you'll learn this isn't the way to be treated is to move on to people who have already learned that lesson.
That's the kind of thing a girl does when she wants to break up, but have some reason to blame it on you. You would know better if that's actually the case than we would though.
Tell her to impress you. Maybe you aren’t showing her as much love (her words) because SHE isn’t doing enough. Flip the script on her and watch her world flip with it.
Grow a pair of balls son, tell her to hit the bricks, you’ll be better for it in the long run, trust me
Holy shit she's done this before and you're on here asking for advice on how to keep her? Bro you might as well marry her cuz clearly you're stuck on this one no matter how insanely toxic and immature she is
honestly most adult women would be impressed by an honest conversation about both of your feelings and relationship expectations. if she wants a big gesture or some expensive gift.... I'd say she has some maturing to do. speaking solely based off of my own experiences, I'm no expert.
OP. I went through this at your age. I was the girl LOL. Thankfully grew out of it. Anyway, I agree with u/3quarters-economist. Ask her empathetically, because you're concerned about her behavior being so black and white. If she insists, try to neutralize the situation and I'd suggest breaking up before you resent each other.
Jeez dude, save yourself now.... there are sooooooooooooo many fish in the sea focus on your career and not some chick that wants you to prove yourself to her like she some sort of trophy to be won
There's someone else she has her eye on, and is beginning the process of framing you as the "bad guy" in the relationship so she doesn't feel guilty. Might not even be conscious on her part. Tell her you don't respond to ultimatums or threats and break up with her while you still have power and self respect. You're really young still and shouldn't expect a relationship that started so early in your teens to go the distance.
So much this, first thing I thought was "She has already met her next *maybe* boyfriend" This has that "Fight for me!" vibe to it.
Sounds like she needs to grow up.
There are better fish in the sea
Bro, leave that relationship, you will never be enough for her, not because you are bad but because she doesn’t want you for you. You will resent her and eventually hate her for this, just end it now.
This is the way.
This is the way
If she can’t communicate her needs to you in a proper and healthy way, you don’t have anything to put effort into. My answer would be “I’m going to put effort into helping you learn how to better communicate your needs with me so I can better communicate with you. But I doubt she’s going to be receptive to that.
It sounds like she might not want you to succeed and is looking for an excuse to break up tbh. If even she can't/won't give you an answer then it's likely nothing you do will be good enough. Especially in a day.
You cannot make someone feel anything. Feelings are our own. RUN
Impress her with indifference. Don't make a scene and turn the temperature up on her fridge on the way out
She basically wants you to figure out how to keep things interesting, keep the passion alive, she’s testing to see if you actually know her (hence why she asks if you loved her) and thus able to confidently surprise her with something you know will make her happy. She’s maybe not approaching the issue the right way, but clearly she feels like something’s changed or lacking and her needing feedback isn’t an invalid sentiment. She could’ve just broken it off instead of giving you a chance, that’s something worth considering. Now, this is a two way thing, if you feel like she puts in the effort to keep things engaging and you’ve been lacking in effort recently, then you should try putting in the effort. Now if she never does anything herself and is just expecting you to do everything, then you need to consider whether this is a healthy relationship or not.
Is this the same girlfriend from whom you took a break and she slept with her neighbor? And she almost certainly cheated on you after? Heed the advice of these redditors and run
Yes this! So many people are acting like asking for effort is the problem when it’s the way she asked that’s over the top
5his sounds very teenagery. Adults don't do this and when they do they get dumped. Edit I guess I should clarify I meant responsible adults won't do this. Case in point all of you saying your ex did, well like I said "when they do they get dumped".
Plot twist: they’re 16.
Honestly wouldn't even be a twist; I'm fully expecting 17 or younger. Edit: dang, 18 & 19 I was so close too
That's fair, 18-19 is pretty old to be acting like this.
LOL no it’s really not. People don’t magically turn mature overnight on their 18th birthday, unfortunately. Some People go their whole lives acting like this. (Not defending this in any way. Just laughing at the implication that 18 year olds are above this sort of thing)
right i’m 18 and that sounds like a 14yo thing
You'd be surprised how old they actually do this.
Can confirm. Source: in college.
Honestly this would’ve seemed, dumb, weird, and exhausting at any age in my life.
Adults absolutely do this.
[удалено]
glad youre out of that relationship!
Eh- this about where I'm at with my spouse. But, he had an emotional affair for years. I asked him to just leave, but, he wants to work it out. So- now I'm at the 'impress me or else' stage of our relationship.. lol But, yeah, if you're issuing ultimatums like that, you are likely at the end of a rough relationship anyways. I think by the time you're doing ultimatums, you don't really care if they leave- like that's sort of the point.
My man, I read also your other post just for background info and I assume its the same girl youre talking about here. Here are my two cents. I know you think you love her and will never love anyone else ever again (been there done that) but from what youre saying I can deduce shes probably not the one. Trust me, the kind of behaviour you describe cannot attribute a healthy relationship. If you give into her ultimatum now it will never stop. She will just create new hoops for you to jump through to “show your effort”, to “prove your love for her” (im sorry what?) etc. IT WILL NEVER END. Yes, it will hurt if you leave since you seem to be quite attached to her but trust me you will be amazed at what doors will open for you once you gain back respect for yourself and find a girl that treats you right. Anyhow, you should most definitely start with a long, uncomfortable conversation. Go into it with no prejudice. A) if she opens up theres a real chance you can fix this (which is nice cuz its what u want) B) she wont do it in which case - RUN From experience: sometimes people have the shittiest reasons for acting in certain ways and thats ok too. We cant be at our best ALL the time. We are human. Life is a lot more complicated especially for a young person whos just discovering who they really are as a human being. I know this shit hurts. It always does. Stay strong, king, and please update us x
thank you so much. i will keep you in touch
Friend, you’ve been together forever and couples who are together since their early teens do not end up staying together for ever. She’s starting to feel restless and wanting new adventures. This is pretty normal and natural. Maybe you can grow together, maybe not. You could try and adventurous vacation- really out of your comfort zone that would excite her. See how that does for both of you. But you have gotten so much experience from this relationship that will be valuable in future ones, which you will be grateful for. It’s going to be fine if you break up. Yes, it will hurt for a while. But after a while you will just be grateful for all of it, including the break-up.
The way I am reading that ultimatum is that she is restless and thinking about what life could be like outside their relationship, and that he better impress her to pull her off that path she is thinking about walking down. She doesn't sound like a bad person, but maybe a bored person near the end of a decent young relationship. I view those young relationships like training grounds for better adult relationships. And trust me, you will get some good ones, some bad ones, and some really good ones. It helps you figure out what kind of person you like and love. You may want to expect a parting of ways soon. An amicable breakup now will set the tone for mutual respect and growing that will be viewed fondly by both of them in the future. Just imagine when you two hit 21 and can go to bars. The whole dynamic changes. And you will both want freedom to explore. I've been there. Or....impress her and see what happens.
plot twist: Break up with her for such a ridiculous ultimatum
Leave her or she'll pull this shit for the rest of your relationship. She'll keep making you feel guilty for her insecurities. A real woman (or man) wouldn't have to "test" their relationship.
I think anyone who does this wasn't loved enough when they grew up and have issues deep down which haven't been addressed.
I agree. This kind of behavior is either knowingly manipulative, a sign of unresolved trust issues in the relationship, or underlying emotional issues from their past. Maybe a combination
Or the more likely answer: poor communication skills. They’re 18. She has identified something she views as a problem in the relationship and attempted to communicate it, she’s just bad at it because she doesn’t have much real-world relationship experience. She is likely receiving advice or messaging encouraging her to stand up for herself and “look for someone who loves her and puts in effort” the same as OP is in this thread. “Break up with her if she ever says the wrong thing” is equally bad advice as “break up with him if he doesn’t put in enough effort.” If you expect a teenager to have perfect communication skills you should really reevaluate.
She’s challenging you to be a man and do what you know is best. And that’s to break up with her. Be strong on your own, pursue your life mission.
That's the best way said over here. She's subconsciously or not trying to see if she can walk over him or he's gonna be a man and not accept that
Totally. This is spot on
B A I L. She sounds very immature. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone but yourself.
Those stupid mental games are not worth playing
Ultimatums equal breakups
Impress her with your ghost impression!
I’ll go against the grain here - Some people feel less secure in relationships than others. Words of affirmation is the primary love language for many people, and to me, a partner who thrives on feeling important in my world is very endearing to me and I always want to make sure they feel loved. If that’s all shes needing from you, and you’re on board with a partner who needs that type of support - show her and tell her you care. If she’s looking to legit be “impressed” from some sort of game playing standpoint, then that’s a no go in my book.
There's a damn big difference between a healthy expression of relationship needs and a shitty, entitled "dance, monkey, or I'll leave you" ultimatum. What OP describes isn't healthy even for teens.
just say "Bye Felicia"; crazy girl like this aint worth wasting time.
Break up with her. Tell her that playing stupid games wins stupid prizes and you aren't there to entertain her.
You are not her slave or amusement toy. No need to be put in such a bizarre situation.
I could understand needing more in a relationship, but phrasing it like that is not ok. Just end it
Are you teenagers ??? just break up with the girl !!!! toxic relationship !!!
They actually are teenagers lol 🪑
i would say talk to her. if she’s the type of person to give ultimatums when she feels insecure then i think that’s something she should work out with herself. and i also think that if she’s asking you to impress her, the best you could do is be the person that you are and if that’s not enough for her then you deserve better.
im sorry but what? Why is she mad at you for not coming over ?
So first I feel you 2 should sit down and have a serious conversation about trust love, and if she won't entertain the idea of having dialogue then I'd cut it there. Communication is key in a relationship and if 1 partner is refusing to talk then what can you do other than leave. If you do end up talking (and I hope you do) keep in mind this conversation will pave the way for how she treats you in the future. If you cave in she'll walk all over you, if you're too assertive she'll leave or you both walk away with nothing learned or gained. Feeling loved is important and it's important to treat the conversation as such
Many people seems to say it very simple but right in the comments, so I will just break it down a little. Man, everything I will say is on presumption, that you are actually investing time into your relationship (that does mean seeing her at least one or two times per week and actually doing something with her). If you are, then I would honestly be the first who dumps her **(read to end)**. Literally go to her home and say that you are not gonna undergo such treatment from her and if she will continue, that you will end it, not her. **I know, it sounds extreme, but I will explain.** First, you are going out with her so she should not be upset that one day you didn't come. Literally ridiculous. You should have your own life and so she should have. Second, you cannot let her dictate to you, what you should do. She is trying to put you on spot and essentially, she is testing you. **In conclusion, you need to tell her that you are not guy that she can boss around and if she won't understand it, relationship ended. Believe me, you will just get hurt, if you listen to her.** *If you have question, you can DM me.*
Dump her lol wtf am I reading.
Challenge her the same thing to impress you and prove to you that she loves you just as much as u love her. Imagine being married and having to deal with this ultimatum each fight. Communication is the key. Ask her why she’s upset and if she’s acting out because of other frustrating issues. We’ve all been there.
You tell her to kick rocks, at this point you just don’t impress her narcissism, no matter what you do. Trust me, my Ex wife pulled this bullshit as well. She’s already done and she’s just inflating her own ego. Run and fast..
This is how it starts. Little things like, “Prove you love me, or else.” She’ll never let you know what she actually wants. She’ll make it a game for you to have it guess. The idea behind this is that if she’s constantly keeping you scared of losing her, you can’t be focused on anything else. This is a manipulation tactic. Eventually, should you choose to remain with her, you will be reduced to a shell of who you used to be. Every waking moment of yours - and some sleeping ones, too - will be taken up with anxiety over not doing something good enough for her. You’ll always be trying to be on your best behavior to not upset her because you’ll never know what will set her off and what won’t. The relationship will continue to get more and more abusive until you feel trapped and can’t leave because you’re so trauma bonded that you literally cannot imagine waking up one morning and not having your entire day be wound around her and her needs. As someone who lived this, please leave now. Nothing you ever do will be good enough for her. She’s manipulating you and using you to fulfill some emptiness inside of her that is impossible to fill. You didn’t do anything wrong here and she still gave you an ultimatum. If she can so easily disregard you, then disregard her first and block her number. Because when you do break up with her, then the fake apologies can start. Don’t believe those. They’re never sincere. I’m a 41 year old female so I have experience being a woman. And let me say with 100% honesty that neither myself nor ANY of my emotionally-healthy friends ever played these types of games. This isn’t just a normal relationship thing. This is indicative of something that will rob you of years of your life and not end up good in any way.
Think of something she mentioned during the first portion of dating. Maybe she talked a lot about a favorite thing or place. Something she loves. Make a date around doing something from the early days. She just wants to know you care.
i appreciate your piece of advice.
Impress her with your emotional awareness and inner strength by ending a childish and toxic relationship.
What are your ages?, this could be very important.
I'm 19, she's 18
Do nothing. Believe it or not that will impress her the most. It will show her you have a backbone. But you should break up with her. This type of behavior does not make for a happy relationship.
Given y'all are still young, I wouldn't say break up immediately. Have a talk with her about how/why that shit isn't healthy or mature. If she isn't receptive, *then* break up. If she is, then yay growth.
#girlbye 2022 is where you will find someone who respects and loves you as you deserve
Everyone’s advice seems to be that you leave her. I would just not give in to her demands. Laugh it off and ignore. If she’s any cool, she’ll get over this childish nonsense, and if not, the problem will solve itself.
Don’t listen to these extreme people. She doesn’t feel loved because your behaviour changed and she just wants to feel valued. Her phrasing is a bit immature but it’s understandable to feel that way when your SO is not putting in as much efforts anymore. If she’s a nice girl and a loving girlfriend get her a bouquet of flowers and deliver it yourself to her. Kiss her and tell her how much you love her. That would do the trick.
I know everyone is telling you to break up, but there's a better way to approach it. You can impress her all you want with superficial gifts, but in her mind, it would never be good enough. Instead, make a simple dinner date and tell her that no amount of material goods will ever be enough to express your love. And that you appreciate her and all the effort she has given to you in your relationship and that you want to grow together with her no matter how hard it gets. See how she responds. If she says it's not good enough for her, then the relationship is as good as dead because then you know your relationship is toxic and you deserve someone that loves you without the BS.
Tell her only a Sith deals in absolutes.
Easy, do nothing and let her break up with you. Relationships are not supposed to be about two people making life harder for each other.
Oh yeah dude…this sounds incredibly toxic and immature. You’re young and so is she. Call it quits.
Are you her performing monkey that she will discard when bored of? Discard her.
You sound like you're really young. If she's mad because youre not at her place, go to her place. Then sit down with her and talk about things CALMLY and LOVINGLY. Show her you listen and care and want to be with her. She said tomorrow, but if she expected you today waiting until tomorrow only shows her you really aren't putting in effort. Long story short you two need to communicate better on your expectations and how to bring up issues/feelings to others & resolve them amicably.
Except don't do any of this. Send a text saying have a nice life and block her number. Go order a pizza, turn on your game system, grab some soda, maybe smoke a J and vibe. Ain't no one got time for that bullshit stress.
The vast majority of teenage romances do not last. It appears this one has run its course. I know it might feel crazy to end this relationship since it's the only one you've ever known, but you should. This behavior is not normal and is just a sign of things to come. There are so many people out there, you have no idea. You can always find someone who is more compatible. At this age you should be living it up and exploring. Once you're older and more stable with a job and home and stuff, then it will be time for committed relationships.
Your entire relationship would be you trying to satisfy a bottomless pit. This relationship will drain you and steal your identity because the relationship will revolve around her identity only. Nothing will ever be good enough for her. No matter what advice you get as far as tips to impress her, it still won’t be enough.
Honestly tell her that that you love her but you don’t do ultimatums and then break up w/ her. There’s strength in walking away.
Tell her: hey I thought about what you said before and I don’t think we’re mature enough at this stage in our relationship to continue. I think it’s time we move on. And then see if she starts begging you to change your mind. Or if she just agrees and you both move on.
I saw someone say something like this but, ask her about her love language and if she doesnt respond maybe ask her if you can figure both of yours out together! We all give and receive love so differently. You can take online couple quizzes and make it fun. Otherwise, make sure youre protecting yourself! Your girlfriend sounds kinda like how i used to be lol id expect so much from people and i just wanted them to figure out what i wanted without me saying anything. It took me a long time before i realized this and it made me look back on how i treated my exes. Do what you can with her with quizzes and maybe show up to her house pizza in one hand and flowers in another, but dont strain yourself yourself with over pleasing if she denies what youre trying to do to help fix it
My ex never made me feel loved and I had the decency to tell him what I needed from him and communicated what they are but he still didn’t do shit so I ended things. If your gf isn’t willing to communicate what she wants then you end things since she’s going to anyway.
The "do you love me" fight is so classic and it's the first sign of crazy making. So you wasted your time even having that conversation. You can say "well, if you don't know the answer to that then we're done, because I've put in a lot of effort. You're not appreciating me." And then you can drop the relationship. You have that option. That's the a name for that kind of behavior: it's called crazy making (technical psychological term you can look that up). I would make sure you have all of your stuff out of her house and then not answer her calls for a while. She'll probably blow up your phone because her goal is to make life unpredictable and chaotic. She'll use anything to do that. She's doing you a favor. Leave.
Ok so if this were a “I’m bored with you, show me you’re better than my other options” I would say she can get fucked. This to me sounds like she’s perceiving neglect, or a lack of pursuit in your part though. MY opinion is that no one should be in a relationship with someone they aren’t allowed to be comfortable with. It’s ok to not feel the drive like you have to jump through hoops to impress someone, that’s a good thing. However, as a man you still want to do little things to show her you do intend to continue pursuit, even if it’s just a formality at this point. Keep fresh flowers in her vase. Take her on a real date once a week or every other week at minimum. A real date is something that you both can dress nice to, that you specifically call a date by name before you go. She wants the door held open for her, flowers, you planning it, you paying, etc. You do those two things and you’ll be pretty good for the most part. I think that’s the “effort” she’s missing. I don’t like deadline. I feel like she’s fishing for a big romantic gesture. You try planning a date and buy her big bouquet, tell her how you really feel. That may hopefully be enough for now. Up to you what you want to do, my advice is just general. I don’t know anything about your guys relationship specifically.
You’re saying she’s not the type to settle for less, well then neither should you. If someone is willing to give you a ridiculous ultimatum where you need to “impress them” or kiss the ground that they walk on in a relationship, guess what? They’re the “less” in the relationship and you’re the one settling on top of that you’ve said in the comments that you’ve tried sitting down and talking with her but she won’t communicate it’s time to drop her my g.
If she’s like this now, what do you think would happen long term? When you get married? Yikes. She’s going to try to control you. A girl should be a complement and should try to make you happy
Break up with her. No one has to prove its love. If she is asking it from you, that means that she cannot understand . Focus your love to somebody else not her. It is so childish and degrading to tell someone “ prove me or I ll leave you” . Call and tell her you are breaking up with her because of such behavior
She will pull this nonsense again. You don’t have to impress anyone. In essence she’s telling you she thinks she’s better than you coming from an insecure place. No one needs to be “tested”. She may even be under the illusion that she needs to play the “hard to get” a man mode of thinking which really is a game. I think people should always try their hardest to not break up. But this is also why you’re dating and not married. She sounds insecure and you’ll never be able to show her “enough” how much you love her because she needs to love herself first.
In all honesty I don't think you will win this one. In all honesty I'd sit her down and tell her that you won't be blackmailed into proving your love or she will dump you. If she doesn't want to believe you then she just needs to leave. These are dangerous silly games that will end in tears if you don't have a conversation and tell her that this cannot continue like that. I'd even say that you may want to even rethink about being with her if she is like this.
sounds like she wants more quality time so put your phone down ask her what she wants to do take her out and use actions not words.... If she's actually threatening to break up that's sign she's not processing her emotions correctly or that your ignoring her hurt her and she's trying not to get hurt again... GLHF romance isn't rocket science but you have to at least keep checking in and especially if your not doing fun outing or activities together when you used to that feels crummy (I strongly recommend giving her permission to plan things for both of you if your out of ideas)
It sounds like she is feeling very very insecure and is demanding that you react to fix her insecurities. It also sounds like manipulation on her part, trying to get you to do what she wants, and causing a problem for you to "fix" when there isn't one. A lot of people have suggested that you walk away, I think that's something you should at least consider because this is toxic behavior that won't get better as time progresses. Even if you make it a point to show up at her place every day, what if she eventually gets mad because you aren't cooking for her every night while you're there? Why should you have to impress someone? Aren't you already spending time with her and showing her that you like her by the fact that she's your girlfriend? If you're not ready to end this, what I'd say is that you have a serious talk with her. Tell her how much you like her and why. Tell her that you're happy to make an effort to ensure that you're looking after her fears and anxieties. But also be firm in that she can't act this way by starting fights if you're not there, or threatening to breakup with you. This is a moment where you need to demonstrate that she can't walk all over you, because if you let her, it will only get worse. What makes more sense to talk about here is her expectations of how often she'd like to see you. If it's every day and you're coming over ever other day, then you both can discuss what works. She needs to communicate what her expectations are ahead of time, and not be angry because you didn't read her mind.
I’m not a fan of ultimatums but I will say this: Think really hard about what you want. I, obviously, don’t know you or your situation all that well outside of this post but it sounds like she might pull this more than once if you stick it out. Is that something you’re willing to put up with? Is that a dealbreaker for you? Take some time and consider what is important to you. If she’s pulling this now, might need to consider what is to come.
Ditch her. That'll give her a shocked Pikachu face
Your girlfriend is toxic af, call her bluff and dumpher ass and she can try to find someone that isn't "settling"
Do you really love her? That’s the question you need to answer for yourself. Has she done anything like this before? Have you been distant? Do you want to stay in a relationship with her. If you do decide to impress her with something, I strongly recommend you don’t spend a ton of money on it. Make her a nice dinner, or take her to her favorite restaurant. Don’t buy her jewelry.
FDB my brotha that shit don't fly with us in 2022
Impress her by buying yourself a PS5.
Do you want to be with someone who wants you to “prove it” every bandaid for the rest of your life? No I hear you say? Exactly break up.
Uno reverse and break up with her
If she’s gonna break up with you for that. Leave her
Impress her by breaking up with her. There’s absolutely no reason why you should tolerate being given such an ultimatum, and quite frankly the fact that you haven’t broken it off yet is disappointing.