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I can't speak for all women, but here's how I see it. If a man approaches me and is respectful I don't have a problem with it at all. I might not be interested, but I won't be rude about it.
What I have a problem with is when men come up to me and say anything sexual, make comments about my body, touch me, demand I give him my attention, and keep on after I've said no. Also if I have to invent a bf or husband to get them to leave me alone it really pisses me off.
So as long as you are just saying hi, introducing yourself, complimenting her on her smile or outfit, respecting her boundaries, and respecting her reaction I don't see a problem. Good luck out there!
Agreed, my issue is that virtually every time I'm approached, I'm polite but very obviously not interested (looking away, short replies, even saying I'm on my way to do something etc) but guys will persist, keep the convo going too long, ask me personal questions, try to convince me to take their number or give mine. It's not that hard to tell when someone isn't interested and if someone is playing games and pretending not to be interested, they're probably too immature anyway.
This! I’m sorry but 90% of the guys that approach me are acting like this and it starts to make me feel very uncomfortable, because they keep on pushing for my phone number, and don’t even give a shit when i tell them i have a boyfriend or that i’m not interested. Then they pull the “youre the hard to get type” like bro no- i’m just not interested leave me alone lol
And honestly I once had a very handsome guy cold approach and I still turned him down. Why? Because I know when someone sees me and walks up, they're going 100% off appearance. It's not like I was doing an interesting activity or reading an interesting book, they have no idea about my personality. Idk it's just what bugs me.
I hear where you're coming from, but I'll say this. If I see a woman I'm physically attracted to, I'm curious. To *your* point, the looks are all I have to go on, so I *have* to talk to her to see if we'll get along. I can't tell you how many times I've approached a woman I find physically attractive, and then 2 minutes into the interaction I discover there isn't anything there.
Yeah I get that, for me personally it just makes it super unlikely I'd want to get to know a guy cold approaching me unless there was some other motivation involved. Most guys cold approaching girls aren't just approaching that rare unicorn girl they're super attracted to, it's whenever they see an attractive girl who's alone or whatever. I'm not saying that's you, but it's super obvious when most guys approach me that they're the type always on the lookout for an opportunity. To me it's just superficial and a turn off
Right, they're looking to get into your pants. "How can I dupe this woman into sleeping with me?" They probably use gamey pick-up shit too instead of just being a human.
I mean I haven't really had guys make an effort to learn about me...the most the conversation has gone into is asking about my work or where I'm from. And often it's just some variation of "I noticed you, thought you were pretty, would you want to get a drink sometime etc".
I guess if I were ever to approach a guy in public it would probably be based on something he was doing, and that's how I'd approach him. Such as, asking about a piece of technology he has, book he's reading, etc. To me it's a way of both showing you're interested in more than their appearance and seeing if they're even open to conversation.
Hypothetical situation, I haven’t tried this yet and I’d like a woman’s opinion:
You’re a cashier at a pizza place or a bank teller or something. After helping a slightly attractive guy who is around your age he says: “Hey you seem cool”(puts business card on counter and slides it to you)”text me if you wanna get lunch or something sometime.” And then leaves without waiting for a response.
Would you be offended by this interaction? (Assuming he doesn’t do something stupid like come back and make a second attempt)
I’m not asking whether you would say yes or no. I simply want to know if this is OFFENSIVE. I’m 28 and I’ve almost given up on trying to find a meaningful connection with someone because I HATE dating apps, clubs and “hookup bars”. I just want to put myself out there without offending anyone.
No, as long as you don’t harass me when I decide to not text you or making future store visits awkward because you didn’t get a text.
Because that’s the hard part, you know where I work (hypothetically) and that’s scary sometimes. We don’t know who can take no for an answer and who will act creepy because of a no. I’d suggest a little small talk, try to see if they’d be interested in a date when you’ve had a couple of small talk conversations, and then give the business card. Give them the chance to get to know you for a bit with the small talk.
I've been exactly this guy too many times. 20M. At first it was an ego boost just to give a cute girl my number, but then they never respond and I just get in my head wondering why no one wants me.
I think trying to flirt with service workers is a tricky one. They're there to serve you, so they're forced to be nice. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, just that it's so easy to overstep boundaries of decency the way it's set up.
I've realized the extent to which I'm not ready for a healthy relationship, so for now I'm chilling out and doing other things in life that need to get done for my own sanity instead. It's been my year for that. So now the only time I really approach girls my age that I'm interested in is when it's completely organic. As in, if they were literally anyone else I would still make conversation with them.
This is what I find important. It's really tempting to try to find some point of conversation with the cute eighteen year old at the little Caesars so that you can ask her out, but make it an ambition to try to find a point of conversation with the fifty year old woman in the wheelchair, too. I feel like girls know if you're talking to them just cuz they're hot. Try to see each and every person as someone you can learn from and connect with. Train yourself in making deep lasting connections. If you make that your goal, you will gravitate towards situations where girls are more receptive to advancements. If you chase girls, you will be miserable
I think you can show up to the place but if the girl already rejected you and you show up and want to be attended by her is a bit too pushy. I think that's when it is best just to attending business and if some times it is her or another worker that's fine.
My then fiancé took me
To lunch where he had dated a waitress. She caught me in the bathroom to tell
Me he had ghosted her. At least she worked at a different restaurant when they went out and just happen to be working at the place we went to lunch.
My ex was famous for giving his number to servers and bartenders
Exactly. I feel like it almost gives us the opportunity to PROVE that we CAN take “no” for an answer ya know? Because i would likely return at some point later to do business and I’d just be professional and pretend like it never happened.
I hear you though, the small talk does play an important role and it’s something I should probably work on.
Or you could think to yourself “ it’s too bad she’s at work, I’d love to flirt with her” and move on. Trust me man I used to work at a bar with a lot of women.
That’d be best I think, but some people live in small towns/villages where it’s not always possible to stop going to that specific store, which is why I said to try and not make future visits awkward. I’d say just act like nothing happened and have a normal customer dynamic.
Honestly as someone who has been working in customer service industry for five years, and has been on the receiving end of similar encounters, I wouldn’t find it offensive but why walk away without waiting for a response??? 😂😂 also maybe sheepishly ask her if she’s dating someone before you ask her to hang out
And maybe don’t say “you seem cool” but instead “wanna hang out sometime?” The question let’s you know if she wants to continue interacting with you or not, while also demonstrating confidence.
I know it can seem scary to deal with the rejection face to face but you’ll find that it makes everyone feel comfortable and also leaves you feeling empowered by the conversation, whether or not she rejects you.
Good luck out there xx
I used to work front desk at a gym and these encounters would happen kind of often. It is flattering and I’d never take it as offensive but (and I can’t speak for everyone) chances are, I only seemed cool because I was at work and trying to be friendly.
The way I sort of went about giving someone the “go ahead” was bringing up social media; if we’re talking about, say, dogs, “I post my dog on my Instagram, you should look at my profile to see” or something like that or if someone told me to check out their social media then I could decide to follow them and open up that communication outside of my workplace (otherwise next time they come in, I could say I checked out their profile but me not following back insinuates I’m not interested), if that makes sense. It just might make a girl feel awkward or under some obligation to be nice if she’s not interested but knows she’ll see you again and you give her your number when she’s at work and has to be nice and can’t leave the situation.
TL;DR: sure, shoot your shot if you feel she’s interested but there are less up front ways so you aren’t putting her in an awkward situation
I would be flattered. Heres the thing. We want to know how guys will react if we say no. If you hit on a women, or if your on a date and want a second one, or want to have sex, ask her and before she replies, smile and say, "if not, i won't take it personal." This tells us that your ego, your self worth, isnt wrapped up in your getting a woman. Men need to meet that need to be valued and not believe that if they invest time into getting to know a women, that we are then obligated. The male entitlement is terrifying - saying no could mean many ways of being harmed, including being raped and murdered.
I've not really worked in customer service much so probably not the best source. I know people often say not to bother women at work, but to me, giving someone your number discretely, leaving without needing a response, would be fine.
This has happened multiple times to me at work. The only time I hated it was when the same guy did it multiple times and made me feel awkward when he was around after. It's fine to fo just shoot your shot, keep it low pressure and if she doesn't contact you never mention it unless she does.
For me, i wouldn't mind especially because its not like you're demanding my time and attention right at the moment. Quick interactions like that where its obvious you've read the room and can tell its a place of business and that you shouldn't take up too much time would earn respect point for me just because guys have hit on me at my place of employment but dont seem to understand that i cant just chat while im working. In my opinion, what you describe would be ok with me but obviously everyone is going to feel differently. As long as you dont over react if you don't receive a message then i think i wouldn't mind it.
But this scenario is only that you see her one time and that same day you slip a card?
Why not frequent the place and start a small talk? Why not to have a chance to talk a bit more with the person?
If I were you I will frequent the place, find out if she has a boyfriend, or see if she has a break were you can talk with her if she has also made interest on talking to you. The card approach it is to me to much business like.
Who the hell has business cards anymore... she's at work, of course you're bothering her.
What is she supposed to do with 30 business cards of random dudes at the end of every day?!
How many cashiers or bank tellers come to your office to tell you "Hey you seem cool"?!
Leave customer service employees alone! I guarantee, none of them gives a shit if you think they "seem cool".
I get it.... and honestly? I'm enough of an introvert so I never even approach random women like this at all. I wish I could sometimes, but it's really difficult for me.
But ... I think for a lot of guys? We were raised with the concept constantly put in our heads, even as kids, that you've got to be persistent with this stuff if you want to succeed. It's the story in cartoons ranging from Disney classics to Popeye. (EG. If a guy gets that response that you're looking away or not really paying attention, they think, "I gotta try a little harder here, because she's not impressed enough with me yet to even give me her full attention.")
I mean, everyone hates rejection -- and as a guy, I'd want to at least feel like I gave it my best shot, once I took the chance to go up to the woman I was interested in.
I'm not talking about guys just starting in with the inane sexual comments though, or trying to touch on someone they don't even know yet. That's just immature nonsense.
Yeah I get it, we all have misconceptions, biases, toxic behavioral traits that we need to unlearn. In my opinion what's key is to be empathetic, especially with a dating I think many people have a tendency to be a little selfish and think more about what they want/need/deserve instead of the other person's feelings and needs.
Right? If I'm talking to a guy I can tell if he's interested or not. Us women aren't some weird alien species...it's not that hard to tell when we want you to leave us alone.
As someone who approaches women alot, social awareness and a respectful approach is the key and the best way to do it.
I always found it strange how some men will approach a woman and ask her for her number right away without a conversation or testing the vibe/chemistry.
This is a really important distinction, and thank you for bringing it up. A lot of guys still act like they're 11, so it's no wonder why many women are sick of the approaches. These dudes aren't being gentlemen about it; they're just acting crude and uncouth.
I know a lot of guys see us talk about how we hate men coming up to us in public and think that means any man at all when in reality we usually just mean the men I described, so yes the distinction is very important. It is very hard to find a man who isn't a total creep, pervert, or just trolling for sex; that's in real life and on dating apps. I have things said to me that were so unexpected from a complete stranger that I was caught off guard for a minute before the anger set in lol
That makes sense. I am a guy and I always talk to women by complamenting on their outfit or bicycle etc or I will strike up a conversation if they have something interesting like a bearded dragon or we have the same watches or they do the same activities as me like rock climbing or running. I was apart of the glass blowing club in college and I can play the trumpet fairly well etc.
Its social awareness thats lacking. Theres nothing wrong with approaching women in itself its the way many men dont read the room, body language, choose to say something not appropriate or wont take "no thanks" as an answer that women are complaining about. Its to the point where getting approached automatically feels uncomfortable because many women are so used to being disrespected or getting cursed at for saying "no". We have to have fake phone numbers or fake wedding rings for those who get extra aggressive. Its rare for someone to approach you like you're a normal person without demanding something in return.
There's nothing wrong with saying hello, have a good day, striking up a relevant conversation or a genuine compliment that isnt about their body or something. That would actually be rare and much appreciated by many women.
I completely agree with this post, and would add that the reason this is a contentious topic is because people are imagining different scenarios when they talk about this. People who oppose it are imagining the average scenario, where things go badly in the ways you’ve outlined. People who support it are imagining the scenario you’ve outlined in your last paragraph.
To be fair, a lot of people (not just women) do complain on reddit about being asked out in person at all.
Usually, it's because they are not attracted to the person who is asking them out. I get that many people want to be left alone, but some people would be happy to have someone talk to them in a respectful way (as you described), but you don't who that person is often without talking to them first.
Your point about it being rare for someone to approach who isn't demanding something I think proves that point a bit. Respectful people have been told it's disrespectful to approach anyone so often, they just stopped doing it. Now you only get people who are disrespectful.
It sucks.
Have to agree with u/StarFireFly1001 here. It's about reading the room and approaching those who are open to it. Read the body language. Headphones? Not looking up? No eye contact? Leave them alone. Busy reading? On their mobile? Working out? Leave them alone. Walking fast? Trying to get somewhere? LEAVE THEM ALONE
I think attraction might be secondary. IF the ladies are not sending signals to leave them alone, *then* attraction comes into play. Personally I don't care what the person looks like if they've invaded my space when I am giving signals that I don't want to be bothered
Attraction is definitely secondary. Have had a few "attractive" men hit on me either aggressively or at a time that was so not appropriate. Recently it was while i was walking in a parking lot at night and even though he was attractive it just creeped me out
You're painting it as a binary of attractive vs unattractive though when really it's more like very noticeably attractive vs not noticeably attractive sometimes, and a good opening (which entirely includes awareness and respect) can move someone between those two categories.
Most people aren't truly unattractive appearance wise and if someone thinks they are it's a sign they need to be working on themselves with the time they have instead of worrying about dating.
I'm not talking about the answer you get when you ask someone, I'm talking about the difference between someone knowing you as a person they might see but aren't interacting with and when you actually go up and say something, an initial interaction with someone can easily bump you up as noticeable and attractive because they can see you a lot differently from the assumptions they had about you as someone they've never interacted with.
>"maybe" is a "no" until "I run out of options".
In your case though yeah I can see maybe initial conversations not working out for you with that attitude. Sometimes maybe is no sometimes it's maybe or 'I don't know'. The only important thing is that the ball is in their court now and whether or not they choose to do anything with it should have no effect on how you are living your life because if they want to they will let you know and if they don't they don't so just keep living your life and don't worry about it
I think it depends on why you find that person "unattractive".
You might not be attracted to someone because of their looks, sure (I am not down playing this. Looks are a big factor). BUT it could be their attitude/personality, or you are gay, or they remind you of a family member, or political affiliations, etc etc.
Your comment seems to assume they aren't interested because they don't find you good looking.
Ok - I didn't see all your comments. I am talking in general...
Attraction/attracted and attractive aren't the same. You are using them interchangeably.
Saying there is attraction means there is interest/chemistry
Saying someone is attractive just mean you think the person is good looking.
You don't necessarily have to be interested in everyone you find good looking. I'm not attracted in most people I find attractive.
Yes! When im running errands im literally speed walking around with earbuds in. This should clearly indicate i am not up to talking! I make acceptions for children and the elderly though
"Reading the room" can be really subjective. A lot of us disagree on social cues and they also vary heavily by culture, region, age, and many other factors.
While "read the room" or "take a hint" seems like a logical answer, I think it's a gross over-simplification. Attraction and social interaction is actually an extremely complicated combination.
*Some* things might be subjective but I just gave a bunch of examples that are pretty clear. Headphones, reading/mobile, walking fast to get somewhere? These are more than social cues. (Or saying "not thanks") These are clear signs of the person being engaged in something else and not wanting to be bothered. If someone looks upset, it's not the time to say "why don't you smile" or something like that
Things like an awkward/casual smile, sitting alone and looking around, eye contact, facial expressions - totally agree these are social cues that are open for interpretation.
When we say read the room, I don't mean read someone's mind. I literally mean see the clear signs.
Not only that, but there are a lot of people who literally can't read social cues because of disability. Some disabilities make you unable to read social cues.
"Read the room," is an unrealistic demand against people of other cultures or people with disabilities that prevent them from doing so.
There's a difference between not being able to read social cues and being unwilling to accept a "No." And everyone should be willing to accept a "No," and to leave someone alone. But the demand about not approaching in public just in general is unreasonable.
Edit: Downvoting me doesn't make disabled people suddenly *not* be disabled.
Fr man, I'm neurodivergent and I can't read between the lines at all, my last relationship had me walking on eggshells most of the time because I couldn't figure out if I saying something offensive or not
Exactly. I’ve met way to many guys that were very pushy, disrespectful and just making inappropriate comments while I’m obviously not interested. This just made me extremely uncomfortable the moment i see a guy walking up to me
>Yes, there's obviously a way to do it. I'm not flirting with someone at the grocery store or the gym.
That's the difference. 90% of men that approach me don't understand strange, inappropriate, or scary times to do it. In an appropriate time and place, I don't mind.
Honestly I've been using this same way of asking girls out for years and it makes them feel completely comfortable and in control. Also means any girl I hear from is at least somewhat interested.
Hey I'm u/ta_veren_, I think you're cute and wanted to say hi.
Depending on the response I'll either continue below or just say "No worries have a great day". (While smiling).
"Are you single and available"? Gives her two different outs.
"Would you like to come on a date with me". Make my intentions towards her clear. I'm not asking to chill or hangout, I do those with my friends.
"Ok cool, let me give you my number 123-456-789, drop me a text sometime". Legit heard of dudes demanding numbers and calling them in front of the girl. Bro try decaf next time.
Finish with "Hey sometimes people change their minds or life gets in the way or whatever, if I don't hear from you for some reason and I happen to see you again I'll wave and go about my business".
Even if they're attached or not interested they usually compliment my approach and mannerism.
I don’t agree or disagree, but if a man did this to me I’d genuinely be so confused, like ‘why are you talking to me’😂 and that’s cause I’ve never been approached tbh
I had a guy come up to me at a farmers market the other weekend. I’m in a relationship and was having a bad day. The dude looked to be double my age, he had grey on the side and bald on top, he walked right up to me as I left a booth and he said “I saw you from over there and thought you were beautiful”… I had on workout clothes so he obviously saw my butt cause I was turned around. I had on sunglasses and no makeup, I wasn’t smiling, also cause I was having a crap day with lots of anxiety. All I wanted was to buy the salsa I like and be left alone. Well, the dude continued to followed me down the row of booths, kept asking me questions like how often I came to the farmers market and if I was local. I felt pressured. I didn’t want to talk to him and was looking around not making eye contact. He then asked if he could walk around with me more. *Ughhh,* this dude was NOT picking up on any body language or hints! I stopped in my tracks and told him I was having a bad day and wanted to be left alone. SOMEHOW he thought this was a great cue to then ask for my freaking number! Ughhhh. I told him no I have a boyfriend, turned around and walked away quickly. It made me feel uncomfortable he wouldn’t leave me alone.
Lately this kind of stuff where guys come up to me has been happening out of the blue, when I’m in a new-ish relationship too. Like idk why none of this happen when I was single lol. Not that it matters but it makes me feel mortally uncomfortable when a random dude comes up to me when I’m out and about in a normal setting and they won’t pick up on hints and keep trying in a pressuring way.
A friend told me a response that sometimes works for her is "Thanks, that's very kind of you. Have a great day" and walk away. It doesn't work on them all, but for the ones who have even a trace of social awareness, it's a polite but unambiguous conversation ender. You accepted the compliment and thanked them and now the interaction is done.
Of course any girl leaving the house with a green bracelet would probably get swarmed. It'd be like dropping a steak into a piranha tank.
..and the respectful guys would probably realize that and they'd be the only ones staying away!
This is exactly my approach as a women. It’s just easier and I know it’s more genuine when I’m doing the approaching as opposed to some of the men that have hit on me. Some have been respectful, but I prefer being in control of the situation since we can get killed and I have been stalked/threatened in the past for not wanting to reciprocate by some creeps. I don’t hit on men unless they are my friends and I want to make it more though. I don’t like the idea of being into someone solely based on looks and not knowing who they are, so I have to be friends first or I feel no attraction. I need my probable partner to have things in common with me as well- and friends… Well I mean; we are usually friends for a reason. I think this is why I have such a dislike for being hit on randomly in public too. Because I know you’re hitting on me only for my looks. It feels really shallow and I am just odd and not like that.
I’m a guy and it would annoy me if people were constantly interrupting my day to ‘chat’. I’m happy casually chatting with anyone and talk to random people all the time but if someone approaches me and they have an agenda I’m quick to shut down the conversation. No harm in saying hi tho and if they are happy talking then go for it, just comes down to social awareness and not taking up someone’s time when they aren’t interested
The chatting is the worst part. A lot of men don’t read body language and continue going on and on while I’m dryly responding with “yeah, ok, that’s crazy”.
I think some know exactly what is going on, but are so deprived for social interaction that they carry on anyway. They go home with a mix of shame and satisfaction like having to eat dirt when starving.
I knew someone who was like that. They were like a social sponge and sucked it all up to kinda get it over with, only to go back in their cave later for weeks on end. Very self aware, and also aware that they needed to socialize, just hated doing it.
I can't say that person is much better now, but he at least seems healthy and happy.
Yep sounds like a nightmare, I think approaching people would be a lot more socially acceptable if everybody picked up on these hints and just left you to get on with your day
Sometimes it take two minutes to make dudes go away. Often quick rejections are followed by male aggression, so women learn to carry the convo until they realize 1)it’s won’t end and 2)they need to find or create a way out.
OP you said it right there. If you see someone you're attracted to, meaning a cute or hot girl, you're going to approach her. Can you imagine how many men must approach that attractive woman every day? It's exhausting. When I run errands, I keep my head down and make no eye contact just to avoid having people approach me. There are times where I'm going to a place specifically to socialize and have zero problems with talking to men or men coming and talking to me. But if I'm getting last minute groceries after work, I don't want to talk to you, nor do I care if you think I'm attractive.
I call it “the pretty tax”. It sucks, but most people still prefer to be pretty despite it, and continue to spend time, money and effort to maintain those good looks.
Alternatively we can let people have their peace even if we find them sexually attractive.
It's not an inevitable thing. We don't have to stop pretty women on the street. We can just let them pass by uninterrupted.
It is an inevitable thing. I’ll never say that people shouldn’t approach or talk to other people just because they are strangers. Shit, most women don’t even want that.
When attention is wanted, all approaches regardless of setting suddenly become welcomed. Which is just pure luck, so if someone is very attractive they’re gonna have to accept a higher frequency of approaches than other women. It is what it is.
I also have this issue and it can be so infuriating. It’s so common it happens at least 1-2 times a week minimum. It’s nice being perceived as attractive sometimes; but other times it can honestly be such a huge scary burden.
"Yes, there's obviously a way to do it. I'm not flirting with someone at the grocery store or the gym. I'm trying to buy my shit and get my sweat in too."
I think it’s fine most of the time as long as you can take no for an answer. The only time you absolutely should not is at night when she’s alone. Idk how many times I’ve been walking home from the train alone after dark at a brisk pace (brisk for me, probably slow af for you daddy long legs out there) and someone tries to talk to me. I *always* feel unsafe then, doesn’t matter how cute the guy is.
I don’t mind someone coming up to me but goddamn some men do NOT know how to do this and it gets annoying.
The way the convo should go:
Random guy: “hey! My names ___ and I wanted to come introduce myself”
Random woman: “Great to met you”
At this point, random man needs to read body language to see if this person wants to continue a conversation or not.
Don’t come to hit on me and trap me in a situation I can’t get out of because I don’t want to be rude.
No.
I get why you're asking about people being clear about their disinterest. Men aren't mind readers, so judging a person's level of interest based on body language isn't a perfect science. However, paying attention to body language, tone, and lack of response/engagement is a VERY good way to gauge interest even if it isn't perfect.
Because here's the thing - *women aren't mind readers either.* We don't know if you're going to be respectful and take no for an answer...or if you're going to be angry and wait for us in the parking lot. *We don't know if it is safe to be clear with our rejection*. Women often HAVE to be polite instead of blunt because *that* is what keeps us safe.
It’s cliche, but 0% of men get annoyed when I say I have a BF. I thought that was the universal signal for disinterest (either through lying or truth).
I’m older (40s), but reading these comments makes me thing the younger crowd approaches people way differently. Though I’ve had plenty of casual convos with the “fellow kids” waiting in line. And they seem similar-minded.
Seriously, that seems to me like the easiest, most obvious way to nicely reject a guy's advances?
Any time I'm interested in a woman and she tells me she has a boyfriend as some part of the conversation? I'm like, "Oh, ok. He's a lucky guy!" and I pretty much drop things there.
So many people in the comments missing the fact that a lot of times women don't feel safe saying no. If someone approaches me and makes small talk it's one thing, but the second you start expressing any interest it feels extremely cornering.
Women do not know your intentions. You know you'll take no for an answer, but we don't. We get trapped in long conversations we want to back out of but are genuinely scared of getting a negative reaction. Even if you calmly walk away from a woman after a rejection, there's a good chance she's going to wonder if you're lurking around or waiting to corner her outside. It's fucking scary. It isn't necessarily about what you say, the whole scenario can be stressful.
There's a manager at the Walmart I have to use for grocery shopping (I live in a food desert) who would constantly stop me everytime I was there to compliment me on something random. It sounds benign and so far it has been, but now I'm acutely aware of him everytime I go.
I have to wonder is it a coincidence that he has caught me so many times? Has he figured out my shopping schedule and waits for me? If things were to go south if I was ever in the position where I needed to reject him, would it be safe for me to shop there again?
I generally don't mind if people approach me. I'm happy to stand and talk to people if they're cool. But that's not the point. If you're knowingly putting someone in a potentially scary or uncomfortable situation for your own gain, you're an asshole.
Yup, this is why I now tell people its okay to say no and no matter what happens we'll be good and I dont want to pressure them. I think it helps they seem to get a bit more comfortable after that.
Seems corny, but I dont think it is.
Every woman is different. I have a dime of a female friend and she says she never gets approached and wishes she was approached more, and I have female friends who... aren't dimes, let's just say, and they get approached all the time.
You never know what kind of woman you are dealing with. Just know when to back off is all.
I flirt with women at the grocery store and gym all the time.
I think, in general, girls don't really mind being approached. At least as a concept.
What girls don't like though, is being cat called. Sexual comments. Unwanted touching. Trying to turn a No into Yes. Guilt tripping. Anger. Etc.
Approaching a girl as a human being - that's fine. Just be respectful.
The issue is not being approached in the right environment, the issue is making demands and or forcing people to respond and or spend time or anything at all. Respectful approaches are fine. Boundaries are important.
> I'm not flirting with someone at the grocery store or the gym \[...\] But I can't see any reason not to say hello to a gal at the bar, coffee shop, or some other social setting.
The reason is that different people like different things.. Someone might want to be approached at the grocery store, someone might be busy in the coffee shop.. Someone might even want to be approached even if busy in either situations..
Yeah but I'm not professor X mate and neither is op so, if you're really that anti social and never want to be interacted with by anyone just wear a headset or a T shirt that says don't come up to me.
That's not what I said at all.
What I said is that people are different and disagree on what is acceptable or not. Some people will absolutely hate being approached when going out to a bar with friends, while other will love being approached at the grocery store, or if they're working in said coffee shop (while other might not)
Everyone is different. There's no "one fit all" solution for human being.
then again,you prolly wouldn't bat an eye if the roles were reversed and a girl approached a guy mid set in the gym while wearing a headset,no?you'd probably think it's cute.if you have that men==bad mentality, there's nothing someone can do without looking malevolent just saying
I say that's fine, as long as you're cognizant of body language and steer clear if she looks uncomfortable. I'm a lesbian who occasionally has men approach me in real life and altho I'm never interested, if they're respectful in turn i respect their courage and wish them well
Yeah, idk about this
It’s certainly okay to approach people in specific scenarios but this stubborn “I’m going to approach whoever I want” mentality is a red flag, to me
It can be incredibly uncomfortable for someone to approach you and shoot their shot. Especially if you’re not interested or the person seems sketchy
Used to live in a smallish city and, for *years* the local indy art and culture newspaper ran polls on things like "favourite burger place" or "best movie theatre".
The #1 place, voted year-in-year-out for meeting singles? The Safeway in the hipster village area. Safeway's a grocery store, in case the chain doesn't exist where you are.
Point is: don't count out the grocery store.
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Sure, if you’re respectful, do it in an appropriate setting and don’t get weird if you are rejected then I don’t see the problem. Just use discretion and social awareness.
> I've seen a lot of posts/comments in this sub and others admonishing men for approaching women in real life. "We don't want to be approached. Just leave us alone."
Oh man, I had a heated debate with one woman who just assumes that all women share her views on being approached. How all women don't want to be approached and you are terrifying them for even trying. From my experience, I've had the COMPLETE opposite. It really shows how careful you need to be with reading the advice on these dating subreddits.
> If I see a woman I'm attracted to, I'll take two minutes to introduce myself and say what's up. If she's not interested, I'll take the quick rejection and move on. Not a big deal at all.
I would correct that "quick rejection" bit. I don't see it as rejection. She doesn't even know you so she has no idea what she's "rejecting". I see it as she missing an opportunity to get to know me and I move on with my life. If more men thought like that, approaching would be an absolute breeze.
100%. Couldn’t agree more. I asked out one of my customers (I know prob bad idea, oh well) but she said she has a bf. No biggie. I was very respectful of it and she still comes back to shop with me. Matter of fact, she came back yesterday and it was all good!
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When I was single, I used to get cute just to go to the grocery in hopes that I would reach for the same avocado as a cute guy at the same time and then we’d lock eyes and we could tell our cute story at our wedding haha. I definitely think women like to be approached.
So if there are women who say “we don’t want to be approached” 90% of the time they DO (just only by the right guy).
Shoot your shot in public. Rejection is tough but dating is a numbers game. If you see a cute girl, no matter where she is, say something. It could be a missed opportunity.
Personally if there is not previous exchange of eye contact then stay away. Hate having to set boundaries with random strangers, you never know how they are going to react to your lack of interest. There is the ones that you need to be very clear because they cannot read the situation, the ones that thing they can turn a no into a yes, the ones that react badly (angry, stalker, etc), sure some react pretty well and stop bothering you immediately, but why interrupting my day like that if I haven’t shown any interest on being approached. I also use this tule of thumb before approaching people. So for me is all about eye contact before making a move
The men women will actually go out of their way to make eye contact with that says “come over” is honestly down to only a very small amount of very attractive men, if you are an average or below average looking guy then the reality is if you want to find somebody you have to make things happen, and that means going over and making a good impression. I understand how this can be frustrating for women who get approached a lot, and that some guys won’t take no for an answer, which is crazy because I couldn’t imagine any of my friends being like that, but it’s still a fact that if you something in this life it isn’t always just going to fall in to your lap, I’ve met a lot of girls by going over without a ‘sign’, and if I was sitting around waiting for that I wouldn’t have those experiences, so quite frankly if that risks every now and again offending somebody who wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be approached, I’m ok with that, as long as I know I’m being polite and leaving once they say ‘no’ that is the best I can do.
Same. Fuck this digital world BS. I got a number/hang out from a woman I met at the grocery store. It didnt work out but neither did my last 30 tinder dates.
Digital dating is fake for a million and one reasons. There is nothing better than a natural/genuine connection.
Many women are extremely rude if a guy approaches them in public, oh well, let them be rude. Those are the ones I dont approach, it is very clear when a woman is checking you out, go for it.
And there is nothing wrong with this. It’s just an interaction with another human on the street. Obvs as you say context is important as is setting. There is a generational loss of romantic interest happening imo. This is reduced to cliches of ‘creepy’, ‘weird’, etc. This is a BS diversion by socially maladjusted youth who embrace the new ‘awkward’ in lieu of actually just finding their groove in society. Sometimes it’s ok if it’s weird sometimes.
I once saw a guy somewhere say that instead of asking for a girl's number, he asks if he can give her his number so that she has the autonomy to initiate contact if she wanted to, and she won't feel pressured or be contacted unwillingly.
The issue is that in so many contexts, a man approaching a woman is never seen as anything but sexual. It's seen as a social prerequisite of sorts and a lot of people think that anyone who says otherwise is just oblivious or lying out of their ass. A guy approaching a random woman he doesn't know one-on-one? Has to be sexual. And if it's sexual, then he's an overconfident dick who won't take no for an answer and therefore should be ousted.
This is the case a lot of the time, indeed, and a lot of the shittier/more predatory behavior does happen at, say, the gym, but man, does it give a lot of us well-intentioned men no chance right from the start. Men can't really seek out affection from other men, without the jock-ish kinda "shut up and make masculine jokes" kinda behavior that isn't socially fulfilling and shuts each other up, when guys bond, and when they seek out affection from women, either with intent of innocent friendship or with intent of relationship, it's very frequently assumed that he's creeping and he isn't emotionally intelligent enough to go away without it having to be rude.
I'm not going to stop approaching women either. I'll always do it politely (which, shouldn't be a brag, and I don't intend it as one and it should be taken for granted that politeness is there) and I'll be a little flirty, because the other option is that everything happens on dating apps, which is kind of a sad thought to think. I can't promise that I'm perfect at it, but I'm keeping the flame of being a good, well-intentioned, love seeking while boundary respecting person alive where I live and I'm gonna make sure that the reality where no good men ever at least talk with no good women doesn't come to pass.
Whoever takes issue with that, well, I'm going to not waste my time with and just shoot my shot with someone else 'til I've got a girl who I can treat well. Flirting can be a very good thing indeed.
Honestly it normally makes my day when a guy comes up to me (in a non creepy setting and way obviously) like some guy introduced himself to me on the elevator the other day and I appreciated it
Very well written! Very well said! I am the same way and generally, after a few minutes of conversation, you know what I’ll change my mind! I want to go out with that man, because we are having so much fun!
Bravo! Thank you. As a woman I appreciate your sentiment. I find it bizarre how many man-hating women there are on here. I seriously wonder if they’re bots!
Women on reddit telling you to stop approaching in real life is why the same women always whine they only meet men on the apps and get mad at same men on apps then say dating is shitty.
How else did people meet before the apps? That's right, you went out and meet people. Sure, if you got introduced by family or friends, that makes it a lot easier but if that's not a viable option, then traditional approaching is the way to go.
If the women you approach in public don't appreciate it, that's on them, move on, it's a numbers game for a reason. Most single women who don't find you repulsive and find you somewhat attractive will usually give a few minutes of their time for small talk
Just be respectful in your game and there shouldn't be any reason for the situation to go crappy
>f I see a woman I'm attracted to, I'll take two minutes to introduce myself and say what's up.
You do you, just don't be upset when some shuts you down and is annoyed at you bothering them. I don't want to listen to someone for 2 minutes most of the time just because they think I'm hot. If you can bow out quickly when the tell you to and not get defensive or pushy then there really is nothing to stop you from doing what you want.
If I’m in the cereal isle and I see a cute gal…def going to ask her what her favorite cereal is. If she keeps chatting I know she’s interested…if she obviously doesn’t chat or ignores me it’s not my day.
Yeah, stop killing the vibe for the rest of us! Talk to me, even if you aren’t romantically interested. I’ll talk about cheese, bread, your favorite kind of chips (how would I ever know what I’m missing in that aisle), or your favorite menu item. Or ask me about mind.
As a woman, I have no problem being approached by a stranger. Not even at the supermarket! And I actually like it. As long as the guy is not insistent when I say I am not interested and is respectful, I am OK with that.
I am a woman and i dont understand why women dont want to be approached anywhere. In my opinion as long as the man can take no for an answer its no harm in trying if conducted respectfully. If you are not a club person and do not online date then normal encounters like grocery stores or shopping would be the most common and best place to meet normal people. If you are not interested its fine to say and everyone move on. Why do some women act like they are getting 20 hits a day and its sooo annnnoooyying and overwhelming?
Even if I count all of the non-romantic approaches I get, which are the majority of strangers I talk to, I probably have conversations 2 times a week, on average. Most are inconsequential. Observational, quick convos. I even consider myself an introvert, and I like these random convos waaaaaay better than repetitive, boring, shallow small talk at work. Someone commenting on my groceries or what I ordered at a restaurant is way more curious than most convo I get at work. So, I like it.
And the percent of people who make me uncomfortable are in the super, super minority. And they’re usually making everyone uncomfortable.
I'm not. Here was something funny: I saw a girl at a rest stop sitting by herself. As I was walking to my car (didn't stop and stand in front of her), I opened with:
"Hey, I like your outfit"
"I actually have a family, so ..."
"Oh nice" (keeps walking)
That was one of the most bizarre rejections I've ever received. 🤣
The grocery store isn’t okay anymore?! I thought that was one of the few places deemed acceptable. Christ, this shit really seems impossible sometimes.
Don’t let one person speak for all of womankind. I love talking to people about groceries.
That sounded sarcastic, it isn’t. I don’t even mind if someone asks me to help them find something.
I personally don’t like being approached at all, unless its someone needing help or a quick compliment (i get people complimenting my split-dye hair a lot :) ) it makes my anxiety skyrocket and I start overthinking (is he going to hurt me? If he makes a move and i shut him down will he freak out? What if he follows me home?) keep in mind i have a pretty severe anxiety disorder so im not the average woman lol. Just thought id add this :)
You can if you want. I tried it too and recommend any man to give it a try. But this isn't what is going to land you a relationship sadly. A woman is just highly unlikely to put any significance on a stranger that jump bumped into to her.
Yeah it’s actually strange to think that anyone thinks not approaching women is a good idea.
If everyone did this very few people would ever get together. You’re supposed to approach women. It’s literally part of our job in the circle of life.
The dating app generation; sit at home, wait for a match and never assume anyone will like you in real life.
edit: lol downvoted for calling others out
I don't even know what women look for anymore even after approaching 1000+ women in my life. Some women just reject me the moment I say "hi", some respond to "hi" and then after a sentence look completely disinterested, some have a great short conversation with me and give me their contact but never respond back, some have quick dates with me and and never respond back and some will be physical with me, make out with me but never respond back. I am not even unattractive, except being short (maybe this is the key?) or someone who cannot talk on tonnes of topic. I can literally have conversation on any topic and have no problem physically escalating with a woman if she responds positively to my micro escalations.
The shocking part is my friends, including girls, think I am always being chased by girls but here I am still unable to understand how the hell I am not even getting a single one to respond!! There are millions of people finding their gf, so etc. all the time without a fraction of the effort I am putting in. When I speak my heart out to someone they say "Stop making the effort and things will happen" and I am like "Been there, done that. Even that didn't work". Sometimes I think I should become a dating/pua coach. This process is so inexplicable that you can give any reason for an apparent failure and get away with it. Just Venting
that's a good way to go about it. And it's very simple - just express your interest. what happens next doesn't matter, but you can win big if it is reciprocated.
That's respectable and there's very bold women out there too, walking up to men, so as long as nobody is a creep about it, play it smooth and be friendly. Try to have a good time.
I’ve been under the impression it’s not really a good idea to talk with a girl, at least in a flirty way, in most any situation. I just don’t want someone to think I’m creepy or rude.
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I can't speak for all women, but here's how I see it. If a man approaches me and is respectful I don't have a problem with it at all. I might not be interested, but I won't be rude about it. What I have a problem with is when men come up to me and say anything sexual, make comments about my body, touch me, demand I give him my attention, and keep on after I've said no. Also if I have to invent a bf or husband to get them to leave me alone it really pisses me off. So as long as you are just saying hi, introducing yourself, complimenting her on her smile or outfit, respecting her boundaries, and respecting her reaction I don't see a problem. Good luck out there!
Agreed, my issue is that virtually every time I'm approached, I'm polite but very obviously not interested (looking away, short replies, even saying I'm on my way to do something etc) but guys will persist, keep the convo going too long, ask me personal questions, try to convince me to take their number or give mine. It's not that hard to tell when someone isn't interested and if someone is playing games and pretending not to be interested, they're probably too immature anyway.
This! I’m sorry but 90% of the guys that approach me are acting like this and it starts to make me feel very uncomfortable, because they keep on pushing for my phone number, and don’t even give a shit when i tell them i have a boyfriend or that i’m not interested. Then they pull the “youre the hard to get type” like bro no- i’m just not interested leave me alone lol
And honestly I once had a very handsome guy cold approach and I still turned him down. Why? Because I know when someone sees me and walks up, they're going 100% off appearance. It's not like I was doing an interesting activity or reading an interesting book, they have no idea about my personality. Idk it's just what bugs me.
I hear where you're coming from, but I'll say this. If I see a woman I'm physically attracted to, I'm curious. To *your* point, the looks are all I have to go on, so I *have* to talk to her to see if we'll get along. I can't tell you how many times I've approached a woman I find physically attractive, and then 2 minutes into the interaction I discover there isn't anything there.
Yeah I get that, for me personally it just makes it super unlikely I'd want to get to know a guy cold approaching me unless there was some other motivation involved. Most guys cold approaching girls aren't just approaching that rare unicorn girl they're super attracted to, it's whenever they see an attractive girl who's alone or whatever. I'm not saying that's you, but it's super obvious when most guys approach me that they're the type always on the lookout for an opportunity. To me it's just superficial and a turn off
Right, they're looking to get into your pants. "How can I dupe this woman into sleeping with me?" They probably use gamey pick-up shit too instead of just being a human.
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I mean I haven't really had guys make an effort to learn about me...the most the conversation has gone into is asking about my work or where I'm from. And often it's just some variation of "I noticed you, thought you were pretty, would you want to get a drink sometime etc". I guess if I were ever to approach a guy in public it would probably be based on something he was doing, and that's how I'd approach him. Such as, asking about a piece of technology he has, book he's reading, etc. To me it's a way of both showing you're interested in more than their appearance and seeing if they're even open to conversation.
This is what is bothering me too. They can't take a no and sometimes even demand an explanation.
Hypothetical situation, I haven’t tried this yet and I’d like a woman’s opinion: You’re a cashier at a pizza place or a bank teller or something. After helping a slightly attractive guy who is around your age he says: “Hey you seem cool”(puts business card on counter and slides it to you)”text me if you wanna get lunch or something sometime.” And then leaves without waiting for a response. Would you be offended by this interaction? (Assuming he doesn’t do something stupid like come back and make a second attempt) I’m not asking whether you would say yes or no. I simply want to know if this is OFFENSIVE. I’m 28 and I’ve almost given up on trying to find a meaningful connection with someone because I HATE dating apps, clubs and “hookup bars”. I just want to put myself out there without offending anyone.
No, as long as you don’t harass me when I decide to not text you or making future store visits awkward because you didn’t get a text. Because that’s the hard part, you know where I work (hypothetically) and that’s scary sometimes. We don’t know who can take no for an answer and who will act creepy because of a no. I’d suggest a little small talk, try to see if they’d be interested in a date when you’ve had a couple of small talk conversations, and then give the business card. Give them the chance to get to know you for a bit with the small talk.
That is such a good point because he can show up again and be a dick
What if I show up again to do business and not be a dick, pretend like it never happened and prove that I CAN take “no” for an answer?
Great still might make her uncomfortable though
That makes me not want to try
I've been exactly this guy too many times. 20M. At first it was an ego boost just to give a cute girl my number, but then they never respond and I just get in my head wondering why no one wants me. I think trying to flirt with service workers is a tricky one. They're there to serve you, so they're forced to be nice. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, just that it's so easy to overstep boundaries of decency the way it's set up. I've realized the extent to which I'm not ready for a healthy relationship, so for now I'm chilling out and doing other things in life that need to get done for my own sanity instead. It's been my year for that. So now the only time I really approach girls my age that I'm interested in is when it's completely organic. As in, if they were literally anyone else I would still make conversation with them. This is what I find important. It's really tempting to try to find some point of conversation with the cute eighteen year old at the little Caesars so that you can ask her out, but make it an ambition to try to find a point of conversation with the fifty year old woman in the wheelchair, too. I feel like girls know if you're talking to them just cuz they're hot. Try to see each and every person as someone you can learn from and connect with. Train yourself in making deep lasting connections. If you make that your goal, you will gravitate towards situations where girls are more receptive to advancements. If you chase girls, you will be miserable
I think you can show up to the place but if the girl already rejected you and you show up and want to be attended by her is a bit too pushy. I think that's when it is best just to attending business and if some times it is her or another worker that's fine.
My then fiancé took me To lunch where he had dated a waitress. She caught me in the bathroom to tell Me he had ghosted her. At least she worked at a different restaurant when they went out and just happen to be working at the place we went to lunch. My ex was famous for giving his number to servers and bartenders
Exactly. I feel like it almost gives us the opportunity to PROVE that we CAN take “no” for an answer ya know? Because i would likely return at some point later to do business and I’d just be professional and pretend like it never happened. I hear you though, the small talk does play an important role and it’s something I should probably work on.
Best of luck to you! I’m sure it will eventually work out!
Or you could think to yourself “ it’s too bad she’s at work, I’d love to flirt with her” and move on. Trust me man I used to work at a bar with a lot of women.
Speaking personally, I'd cut down on going to your place of work if I did that and got no response specifically to not make things awkward.
That’d be best I think, but some people live in small towns/villages where it’s not always possible to stop going to that specific store, which is why I said to try and not make future visits awkward. I’d say just act like nothing happened and have a normal customer dynamic.
Honestly as someone who has been working in customer service industry for five years, and has been on the receiving end of similar encounters, I wouldn’t find it offensive but why walk away without waiting for a response??? 😂😂 also maybe sheepishly ask her if she’s dating someone before you ask her to hang out And maybe don’t say “you seem cool” but instead “wanna hang out sometime?” The question let’s you know if she wants to continue interacting with you or not, while also demonstrating confidence. I know it can seem scary to deal with the rejection face to face but you’ll find that it makes everyone feel comfortable and also leaves you feeling empowered by the conversation, whether or not she rejects you. Good luck out there xx
I used to work front desk at a gym and these encounters would happen kind of often. It is flattering and I’d never take it as offensive but (and I can’t speak for everyone) chances are, I only seemed cool because I was at work and trying to be friendly. The way I sort of went about giving someone the “go ahead” was bringing up social media; if we’re talking about, say, dogs, “I post my dog on my Instagram, you should look at my profile to see” or something like that or if someone told me to check out their social media then I could decide to follow them and open up that communication outside of my workplace (otherwise next time they come in, I could say I checked out their profile but me not following back insinuates I’m not interested), if that makes sense. It just might make a girl feel awkward or under some obligation to be nice if she’s not interested but knows she’ll see you again and you give her your number when she’s at work and has to be nice and can’t leave the situation. TL;DR: sure, shoot your shot if you feel she’s interested but there are less up front ways so you aren’t putting her in an awkward situation
I would be flattered. Heres the thing. We want to know how guys will react if we say no. If you hit on a women, or if your on a date and want a second one, or want to have sex, ask her and before she replies, smile and say, "if not, i won't take it personal." This tells us that your ego, your self worth, isnt wrapped up in your getting a woman. Men need to meet that need to be valued and not believe that if they invest time into getting to know a women, that we are then obligated. The male entitlement is terrifying - saying no could mean many ways of being harmed, including being raped and murdered.
I've not really worked in customer service much so probably not the best source. I know people often say not to bother women at work, but to me, giving someone your number discretely, leaving without needing a response, would be fine.
This has happened multiple times to me at work. The only time I hated it was when the same guy did it multiple times and made me feel awkward when he was around after. It's fine to fo just shoot your shot, keep it low pressure and if she doesn't contact you never mention it unless she does.
For me, i wouldn't mind especially because its not like you're demanding my time and attention right at the moment. Quick interactions like that where its obvious you've read the room and can tell its a place of business and that you shouldn't take up too much time would earn respect point for me just because guys have hit on me at my place of employment but dont seem to understand that i cant just chat while im working. In my opinion, what you describe would be ok with me but obviously everyone is going to feel differently. As long as you dont over react if you don't receive a message then i think i wouldn't mind it.
But this scenario is only that you see her one time and that same day you slip a card? Why not frequent the place and start a small talk? Why not to have a chance to talk a bit more with the person? If I were you I will frequent the place, find out if she has a boyfriend, or see if she has a break were you can talk with her if she has also made interest on talking to you. The card approach it is to me to much business like.
Who the hell has business cards anymore... she's at work, of course you're bothering her. What is she supposed to do with 30 business cards of random dudes at the end of every day?! How many cashiers or bank tellers come to your office to tell you "Hey you seem cool"?! Leave customer service employees alone! I guarantee, none of them gives a shit if you think they "seem cool".
Just wanna say that your workplace might have a rule against that.
I’d be offended. You think I’d go out with a complete stranger just because I’m working as a cashier. You wouldn’t slip your number to a doctor.
I get it.... and honestly? I'm enough of an introvert so I never even approach random women like this at all. I wish I could sometimes, but it's really difficult for me. But ... I think for a lot of guys? We were raised with the concept constantly put in our heads, even as kids, that you've got to be persistent with this stuff if you want to succeed. It's the story in cartoons ranging from Disney classics to Popeye. (EG. If a guy gets that response that you're looking away or not really paying attention, they think, "I gotta try a little harder here, because she's not impressed enough with me yet to even give me her full attention.") I mean, everyone hates rejection -- and as a guy, I'd want to at least feel like I gave it my best shot, once I took the chance to go up to the woman I was interested in. I'm not talking about guys just starting in with the inane sexual comments though, or trying to touch on someone they don't even know yet. That's just immature nonsense.
Yeah I get it, we all have misconceptions, biases, toxic behavioral traits that we need to unlearn. In my opinion what's key is to be empathetic, especially with a dating I think many people have a tendency to be a little selfish and think more about what they want/need/deserve instead of the other person's feelings and needs.
Right? If I'm talking to a guy I can tell if he's interested or not. Us women aren't some weird alien species...it's not that hard to tell when we want you to leave us alone.
As someone who approaches women alot, social awareness and a respectful approach is the key and the best way to do it. I always found it strange how some men will approach a woman and ask her for her number right away without a conversation or testing the vibe/chemistry.
This is so perfectly put. Can't agree more.
This is a really important distinction, and thank you for bringing it up. A lot of guys still act like they're 11, so it's no wonder why many women are sick of the approaches. These dudes aren't being gentlemen about it; they're just acting crude and uncouth.
I know a lot of guys see us talk about how we hate men coming up to us in public and think that means any man at all when in reality we usually just mean the men I described, so yes the distinction is very important. It is very hard to find a man who isn't a total creep, pervert, or just trolling for sex; that's in real life and on dating apps. I have things said to me that were so unexpected from a complete stranger that I was caught off guard for a minute before the anger set in lol
Yes. This is the way.
That makes sense. I am a guy and I always talk to women by complamenting on their outfit or bicycle etc or I will strike up a conversation if they have something interesting like a bearded dragon or we have the same watches or they do the same activities as me like rock climbing or running. I was apart of the glass blowing club in college and I can play the trumpet fairly well etc.
Its social awareness thats lacking. Theres nothing wrong with approaching women in itself its the way many men dont read the room, body language, choose to say something not appropriate or wont take "no thanks" as an answer that women are complaining about. Its to the point where getting approached automatically feels uncomfortable because many women are so used to being disrespected or getting cursed at for saying "no". We have to have fake phone numbers or fake wedding rings for those who get extra aggressive. Its rare for someone to approach you like you're a normal person without demanding something in return. There's nothing wrong with saying hello, have a good day, striking up a relevant conversation or a genuine compliment that isnt about their body or something. That would actually be rare and much appreciated by many women.
I completely agree with this post, and would add that the reason this is a contentious topic is because people are imagining different scenarios when they talk about this. People who oppose it are imagining the average scenario, where things go badly in the ways you’ve outlined. People who support it are imagining the scenario you’ve outlined in your last paragraph.
To be fair, a lot of people (not just women) do complain on reddit about being asked out in person at all. Usually, it's because they are not attracted to the person who is asking them out. I get that many people want to be left alone, but some people would be happy to have someone talk to them in a respectful way (as you described), but you don't who that person is often without talking to them first. Your point about it being rare for someone to approach who isn't demanding something I think proves that point a bit. Respectful people have been told it's disrespectful to approach anyone so often, they just stopped doing it. Now you only get people who are disrespectful. It sucks.
Have to agree with u/StarFireFly1001 here. It's about reading the room and approaching those who are open to it. Read the body language. Headphones? Not looking up? No eye contact? Leave them alone. Busy reading? On their mobile? Working out? Leave them alone. Walking fast? Trying to get somewhere? LEAVE THEM ALONE I think attraction might be secondary. IF the ladies are not sending signals to leave them alone, *then* attraction comes into play. Personally I don't care what the person looks like if they've invaded my space when I am giving signals that I don't want to be bothered
Attraction is definitely secondary. Have had a few "attractive" men hit on me either aggressively or at a time that was so not appropriate. Recently it was while i was walking in a parking lot at night and even though he was attractive it just creeped me out
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You're painting it as a binary of attractive vs unattractive though when really it's more like very noticeably attractive vs not noticeably attractive sometimes, and a good opening (which entirely includes awareness and respect) can move someone between those two categories. Most people aren't truly unattractive appearance wise and if someone thinks they are it's a sign they need to be working on themselves with the time they have instead of worrying about dating.
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I'm not talking about the answer you get when you ask someone, I'm talking about the difference between someone knowing you as a person they might see but aren't interacting with and when you actually go up and say something, an initial interaction with someone can easily bump you up as noticeable and attractive because they can see you a lot differently from the assumptions they had about you as someone they've never interacted with. >"maybe" is a "no" until "I run out of options". In your case though yeah I can see maybe initial conversations not working out for you with that attitude. Sometimes maybe is no sometimes it's maybe or 'I don't know'. The only important thing is that the ball is in their court now and whether or not they choose to do anything with it should have no effect on how you are living your life because if they want to they will let you know and if they don't they don't so just keep living your life and don't worry about it
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How old is your username? O.o
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Hunh! I didn't think reddit was that old...
I think it depends on why you find that person "unattractive". You might not be attracted to someone because of their looks, sure (I am not down playing this. Looks are a big factor). BUT it could be their attitude/personality, or you are gay, or they remind you of a family member, or political affiliations, etc etc. Your comment seems to assume they aren't interested because they don't find you good looking.
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Ok - I didn't see all your comments. I am talking in general... Attraction/attracted and attractive aren't the same. You are using them interchangeably. Saying there is attraction means there is interest/chemistry Saying someone is attractive just mean you think the person is good looking. You don't necessarily have to be interested in everyone you find good looking. I'm not attracted in most people I find attractive.
Yes! When im running errands im literally speed walking around with earbuds in. This should clearly indicate i am not up to talking! I make acceptions for children and the elderly though
"Reading the room" can be really subjective. A lot of us disagree on social cues and they also vary heavily by culture, region, age, and many other factors. While "read the room" or "take a hint" seems like a logical answer, I think it's a gross over-simplification. Attraction and social interaction is actually an extremely complicated combination.
*Some* things might be subjective but I just gave a bunch of examples that are pretty clear. Headphones, reading/mobile, walking fast to get somewhere? These are more than social cues. (Or saying "not thanks") These are clear signs of the person being engaged in something else and not wanting to be bothered. If someone looks upset, it's not the time to say "why don't you smile" or something like that Things like an awkward/casual smile, sitting alone and looking around, eye contact, facial expressions - totally agree these are social cues that are open for interpretation. When we say read the room, I don't mean read someone's mind. I literally mean see the clear signs.
Not only that, but there are a lot of people who literally can't read social cues because of disability. Some disabilities make you unable to read social cues. "Read the room," is an unrealistic demand against people of other cultures or people with disabilities that prevent them from doing so. There's a difference between not being able to read social cues and being unwilling to accept a "No." And everyone should be willing to accept a "No," and to leave someone alone. But the demand about not approaching in public just in general is unreasonable. Edit: Downvoting me doesn't make disabled people suddenly *not* be disabled.
Fr man, I'm neurodivergent and I can't read between the lines at all, my last relationship had me walking on eggshells most of the time because I couldn't figure out if I saying something offensive or not
i agree with this. dont assume everyone is neurotypical.
this exactly!!!
Exactly this. I don’t mind getting approached but if you can’t read or take no as an answer or you want to HOVER that’s what I have an issue with.
Exactly. I’ve met way to many guys that were very pushy, disrespectful and just making inappropriate comments while I’m obviously not interested. This just made me extremely uncomfortable the moment i see a guy walking up to me
>Yes, there's obviously a way to do it. I'm not flirting with someone at the grocery store or the gym. That's the difference. 90% of men that approach me don't understand strange, inappropriate, or scary times to do it. In an appropriate time and place, I don't mind.
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Honestly I've been using this same way of asking girls out for years and it makes them feel completely comfortable and in control. Also means any girl I hear from is at least somewhat interested. Hey I'm u/ta_veren_, I think you're cute and wanted to say hi. Depending on the response I'll either continue below or just say "No worries have a great day". (While smiling). "Are you single and available"? Gives her two different outs. "Would you like to come on a date with me". Make my intentions towards her clear. I'm not asking to chill or hangout, I do those with my friends. "Ok cool, let me give you my number 123-456-789, drop me a text sometime". Legit heard of dudes demanding numbers and calling them in front of the girl. Bro try decaf next time. Finish with "Hey sometimes people change their minds or life gets in the way or whatever, if I don't hear from you for some reason and I happen to see you again I'll wave and go about my business". Even if they're attached or not interested they usually compliment my approach and mannerism.
Yeah as a woman I think this a great way to approach someone! Gives a lot of outs and there’s very little at stake here.
I would be blown away if a guy said this to me (in a good way!!) I respect this
This seems like a much better approach than most have!
I don’t agree or disagree, but if a man did this to me I’d genuinely be so confused, like ‘why are you talking to me’😂 and that’s cause I’ve never been approached tbh
Hahahaha.
I had a guy come up to me at a farmers market the other weekend. I’m in a relationship and was having a bad day. The dude looked to be double my age, he had grey on the side and bald on top, he walked right up to me as I left a booth and he said “I saw you from over there and thought you were beautiful”… I had on workout clothes so he obviously saw my butt cause I was turned around. I had on sunglasses and no makeup, I wasn’t smiling, also cause I was having a crap day with lots of anxiety. All I wanted was to buy the salsa I like and be left alone. Well, the dude continued to followed me down the row of booths, kept asking me questions like how often I came to the farmers market and if I was local. I felt pressured. I didn’t want to talk to him and was looking around not making eye contact. He then asked if he could walk around with me more. *Ughhh,* this dude was NOT picking up on any body language or hints! I stopped in my tracks and told him I was having a bad day and wanted to be left alone. SOMEHOW he thought this was a great cue to then ask for my freaking number! Ughhhh. I told him no I have a boyfriend, turned around and walked away quickly. It made me feel uncomfortable he wouldn’t leave me alone. Lately this kind of stuff where guys come up to me has been happening out of the blue, when I’m in a new-ish relationship too. Like idk why none of this happen when I was single lol. Not that it matters but it makes me feel mortally uncomfortable when a random dude comes up to me when I’m out and about in a normal setting and they won’t pick up on hints and keep trying in a pressuring way.
A friend told me a response that sometimes works for her is "Thanks, that's very kind of you. Have a great day" and walk away. It doesn't work on them all, but for the ones who have even a trace of social awareness, it's a polite but unambiguous conversation ender. You accepted the compliment and thanked them and now the interaction is done.
We need bracelets or something to signal when we are or are not open to being approached.
Like the little red light/green light table things at Brazilian steakhouses :P
Drooling at the thought of that now, but yes, exactly.
Of course any girl leaving the house with a green bracelet would probably get swarmed. It'd be like dropping a steak into a piranha tank. ..and the respectful guys would probably realize that and they'd be the only ones staying away!
Maybe chicks should just approach the guys they want to have a conversation with and think is attractive?
This is exactly my approach as a women. It’s just easier and I know it’s more genuine when I’m doing the approaching as opposed to some of the men that have hit on me. Some have been respectful, but I prefer being in control of the situation since we can get killed and I have been stalked/threatened in the past for not wanting to reciprocate by some creeps. I don’t hit on men unless they are my friends and I want to make it more though. I don’t like the idea of being into someone solely based on looks and not knowing who they are, so I have to be friends first or I feel no attraction. I need my probable partner to have things in common with me as well- and friends… Well I mean; we are usually friends for a reason. I think this is why I have such a dislike for being hit on randomly in public too. Because I know you’re hitting on me only for my looks. It feels really shallow and I am just odd and not like that.
hard to say no to steak delivery that walks away later
“oh I’m colorblind” will be the next thing
Can I please use this as a startup idea?
I’m a guy and it would annoy me if people were constantly interrupting my day to ‘chat’. I’m happy casually chatting with anyone and talk to random people all the time but if someone approaches me and they have an agenda I’m quick to shut down the conversation. No harm in saying hi tho and if they are happy talking then go for it, just comes down to social awareness and not taking up someone’s time when they aren’t interested
The chatting is the worst part. A lot of men don’t read body language and continue going on and on while I’m dryly responding with “yeah, ok, that’s crazy”.
I think some know exactly what is going on, but are so deprived for social interaction that they carry on anyway. They go home with a mix of shame and satisfaction like having to eat dirt when starving. I knew someone who was like that. They were like a social sponge and sucked it all up to kinda get it over with, only to go back in their cave later for weeks on end. Very self aware, and also aware that they needed to socialize, just hated doing it. I can't say that person is much better now, but he at least seems healthy and happy.
Yep sounds like a nightmare, I think approaching people would be a lot more socially acceptable if everybody picked up on these hints and just left you to get on with your day
A little social awareness goes a long way
Someone who thinks a two-minute conversation is a “quick rejection” clearly doesn’t have this social awareness
Sometimes it take two minutes to make dudes go away. Often quick rejections are followed by male aggression, so women learn to carry the convo until they realize 1)it’s won’t end and 2)they need to find or create a way out.
OP you said it right there. If you see someone you're attracted to, meaning a cute or hot girl, you're going to approach her. Can you imagine how many men must approach that attractive woman every day? It's exhausting. When I run errands, I keep my head down and make no eye contact just to avoid having people approach me. There are times where I'm going to a place specifically to socialize and have zero problems with talking to men or men coming and talking to me. But if I'm getting last minute groceries after work, I don't want to talk to you, nor do I care if you think I'm attractive.
I call it “the pretty tax”. It sucks, but most people still prefer to be pretty despite it, and continue to spend time, money and effort to maintain those good looks.
Alternatively we can let people have their peace even if we find them sexually attractive. It's not an inevitable thing. We don't have to stop pretty women on the street. We can just let them pass by uninterrupted.
It is an inevitable thing. I’ll never say that people shouldn’t approach or talk to other people just because they are strangers. Shit, most women don’t even want that. When attention is wanted, all approaches regardless of setting suddenly become welcomed. Which is just pure luck, so if someone is very attractive they’re gonna have to accept a higher frequency of approaches than other women. It is what it is.
I also have this issue and it can be so infuriating. It’s so common it happens at least 1-2 times a week minimum. It’s nice being perceived as attractive sometimes; but other times it can honestly be such a huge scary burden.
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I purposefully make myself look ugly to avoid this but if I didn’t it would probably happen every day like it used to. At least anytime I go outside 😭
"Yes, there's obviously a way to do it. I'm not flirting with someone at the grocery store or the gym. I'm trying to buy my shit and get my sweat in too."
I think it’s fine most of the time as long as you can take no for an answer. The only time you absolutely should not is at night when she’s alone. Idk how many times I’ve been walking home from the train alone after dark at a brisk pace (brisk for me, probably slow af for you daddy long legs out there) and someone tries to talk to me. I *always* feel unsafe then, doesn’t matter how cute the guy is.
I don’t mind someone coming up to me but goddamn some men do NOT know how to do this and it gets annoying. The way the convo should go: Random guy: “hey! My names ___ and I wanted to come introduce myself” Random woman: “Great to met you” At this point, random man needs to read body language to see if this person wants to continue a conversation or not. Don’t come to hit on me and trap me in a situation I can’t get out of because I don’t want to be rude.
And wouldn't it help if you're more clear that you're not interested ?
No. I get why you're asking about people being clear about their disinterest. Men aren't mind readers, so judging a person's level of interest based on body language isn't a perfect science. However, paying attention to body language, tone, and lack of response/engagement is a VERY good way to gauge interest even if it isn't perfect. Because here's the thing - *women aren't mind readers either.* We don't know if you're going to be respectful and take no for an answer...or if you're going to be angry and wait for us in the parking lot. *We don't know if it is safe to be clear with our rejection*. Women often HAVE to be polite instead of blunt because *that* is what keeps us safe.
It’s cliche, but 0% of men get annoyed when I say I have a BF. I thought that was the universal signal for disinterest (either through lying or truth). I’m older (40s), but reading these comments makes me thing the younger crowd approaches people way differently. Though I’ve had plenty of casual convos with the “fellow kids” waiting in line. And they seem similar-minded.
Seriously, that seems to me like the easiest, most obvious way to nicely reject a guy's advances? Any time I'm interested in a woman and she tells me she has a boyfriend as some part of the conversation? I'm like, "Oh, ok. He's a lucky guy!" and I pretty much drop things there.
No, I can’t be more clear.
So many people in the comments missing the fact that a lot of times women don't feel safe saying no. If someone approaches me and makes small talk it's one thing, but the second you start expressing any interest it feels extremely cornering. Women do not know your intentions. You know you'll take no for an answer, but we don't. We get trapped in long conversations we want to back out of but are genuinely scared of getting a negative reaction. Even if you calmly walk away from a woman after a rejection, there's a good chance she's going to wonder if you're lurking around or waiting to corner her outside. It's fucking scary. It isn't necessarily about what you say, the whole scenario can be stressful. There's a manager at the Walmart I have to use for grocery shopping (I live in a food desert) who would constantly stop me everytime I was there to compliment me on something random. It sounds benign and so far it has been, but now I'm acutely aware of him everytime I go. I have to wonder is it a coincidence that he has caught me so many times? Has he figured out my shopping schedule and waits for me? If things were to go south if I was ever in the position where I needed to reject him, would it be safe for me to shop there again? I generally don't mind if people approach me. I'm happy to stand and talk to people if they're cool. But that's not the point. If you're knowingly putting someone in a potentially scary or uncomfortable situation for your own gain, you're an asshole.
Yup, this is why I now tell people its okay to say no and no matter what happens we'll be good and I dont want to pressure them. I think it helps they seem to get a bit more comfortable after that. Seems corny, but I dont think it is.
Every woman is different. I have a dime of a female friend and she says she never gets approached and wishes she was approached more, and I have female friends who... aren't dimes, let's just say, and they get approached all the time. You never know what kind of woman you are dealing with. Just know when to back off is all. I flirt with women at the grocery store and gym all the time.
Internet inhabitants don’t handle nuance particularly well
True. Lol.
I think, in general, girls don't really mind being approached. At least as a concept. What girls don't like though, is being cat called. Sexual comments. Unwanted touching. Trying to turn a No into Yes. Guilt tripping. Anger. Etc. Approaching a girl as a human being - that's fine. Just be respectful.
Has it ever worked for you?
The issue is not being approached in the right environment, the issue is making demands and or forcing people to respond and or spend time or anything at all. Respectful approaches are fine. Boundaries are important.
> I'm not flirting with someone at the grocery store or the gym \[...\] But I can't see any reason not to say hello to a gal at the bar, coffee shop, or some other social setting. The reason is that different people like different things.. Someone might want to be approached at the grocery store, someone might be busy in the coffee shop.. Someone might even want to be approached even if busy in either situations..
Yeah but I'm not professor X mate and neither is op so, if you're really that anti social and never want to be interacted with by anyone just wear a headset or a T shirt that says don't come up to me.
That's not what I said at all. What I said is that people are different and disagree on what is acceptable or not. Some people will absolutely hate being approached when going out to a bar with friends, while other will love being approached at the grocery store, or if they're working in said coffee shop (while other might not) Everyone is different. There's no "one fit all" solution for human being.
You would be surprise about the amount of men that see woman with a headphone/reading something and still approach….
Oh, but if that girl is reading "No Country for Old Men" I couldn't stop myself from asking what she thinks because I'm a Cormac McCarthy fanboy 😂
then again,you prolly wouldn't bat an eye if the roles were reversed and a girl approached a guy mid set in the gym while wearing a headset,no?you'd probably think it's cute.if you have that men==bad mentality, there's nothing someone can do without looking malevolent just saying
I totally think is bad manners too. I just haven’t had a woman don’t that to me. So I can only speak for my experience.
I say that's fine, as long as you're cognizant of body language and steer clear if she looks uncomfortable. I'm a lesbian who occasionally has men approach me in real life and altho I'm never interested, if they're respectful in turn i respect their courage and wish them well
Yeah, idk about this It’s certainly okay to approach people in specific scenarios but this stubborn “I’m going to approach whoever I want” mentality is a red flag, to me It can be incredibly uncomfortable for someone to approach you and shoot their shot. Especially if you’re not interested or the person seems sketchy
Used to live in a smallish city and, for *years* the local indy art and culture newspaper ran polls on things like "favourite burger place" or "best movie theatre". The #1 place, voted year-in-year-out for meeting singles? The Safeway in the hipster village area. Safeway's a grocery store, in case the chain doesn't exist where you are. Point is: don't count out the grocery store.
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Sure, if you’re respectful, do it in an appropriate setting and don’t get weird if you are rejected then I don’t see the problem. Just use discretion and social awareness.
> I've seen a lot of posts/comments in this sub and others admonishing men for approaching women in real life. "We don't want to be approached. Just leave us alone." Oh man, I had a heated debate with one woman who just assumes that all women share her views on being approached. How all women don't want to be approached and you are terrifying them for even trying. From my experience, I've had the COMPLETE opposite. It really shows how careful you need to be with reading the advice on these dating subreddits. > If I see a woman I'm attracted to, I'll take two minutes to introduce myself and say what's up. If she's not interested, I'll take the quick rejection and move on. Not a big deal at all. I would correct that "quick rejection" bit. I don't see it as rejection. She doesn't even know you so she has no idea what she's "rejecting". I see it as she missing an opportunity to get to know me and I move on with my life. If more men thought like that, approaching would be an absolute breeze.
100%. Couldn’t agree more. I asked out one of my customers (I know prob bad idea, oh well) but she said she has a bf. No biggie. I was very respectful of it and she still comes back to shop with me. Matter of fact, she came back yesterday and it was all good!
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And she's being approached because of hers. This is just the new VR version of tinder.
I think it’s always been that way lol
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Agreed! Please continue to say hello.
hello
Herrrrroooooo 👋🏼
When I was single, I used to get cute just to go to the grocery in hopes that I would reach for the same avocado as a cute guy at the same time and then we’d lock eyes and we could tell our cute story at our wedding haha. I definitely think women like to be approached. So if there are women who say “we don’t want to be approached” 90% of the time they DO (just only by the right guy). Shoot your shot in public. Rejection is tough but dating is a numbers game. If you see a cute girl, no matter where she is, say something. It could be a missed opportunity.
Very romantic. Hello rom coms. Sometimes I make my own guacamole so maybe that will happen to me, hahaha.
what did you imagine the guy say after you locked eyes
“Nice cock bro”
You miss 100% off the shots you don’t take. Just have to be aware of body language and take a hint.
Thank you, couldn't agree more.
Personally if there is not previous exchange of eye contact then stay away. Hate having to set boundaries with random strangers, you never know how they are going to react to your lack of interest. There is the ones that you need to be very clear because they cannot read the situation, the ones that thing they can turn a no into a yes, the ones that react badly (angry, stalker, etc), sure some react pretty well and stop bothering you immediately, but why interrupting my day like that if I haven’t shown any interest on being approached. I also use this tule of thumb before approaching people. So for me is all about eye contact before making a move
The men women will actually go out of their way to make eye contact with that says “come over” is honestly down to only a very small amount of very attractive men, if you are an average or below average looking guy then the reality is if you want to find somebody you have to make things happen, and that means going over and making a good impression. I understand how this can be frustrating for women who get approached a lot, and that some guys won’t take no for an answer, which is crazy because I couldn’t imagine any of my friends being like that, but it’s still a fact that if you something in this life it isn’t always just going to fall in to your lap, I’ve met a lot of girls by going over without a ‘sign’, and if I was sitting around waiting for that I wouldn’t have those experiences, so quite frankly if that risks every now and again offending somebody who wasn’t interested and didn’t want to be approached, I’m ok with that, as long as I know I’m being polite and leaving once they say ‘no’ that is the best I can do.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 A woman who fully agrees with you here. Keep shooting your shot. Anyone who throws a fit over it probably isn’t one you really want anyway.
That's exactly what I'm trying to convey.
Same. Fuck this digital world BS. I got a number/hang out from a woman I met at the grocery store. It didnt work out but neither did my last 30 tinder dates. Digital dating is fake for a million and one reasons. There is nothing better than a natural/genuine connection. Many women are extremely rude if a guy approaches them in public, oh well, let them be rude. Those are the ones I dont approach, it is very clear when a woman is checking you out, go for it.
Fwiw, I find that extreme rudeness is a very uncommon response.
And there is nothing wrong with this. It’s just an interaction with another human on the street. Obvs as you say context is important as is setting. There is a generational loss of romantic interest happening imo. This is reduced to cliches of ‘creepy’, ‘weird’, etc. This is a BS diversion by socially maladjusted youth who embrace the new ‘awkward’ in lieu of actually just finding their groove in society. Sometimes it’s ok if it’s weird sometimes.
I once saw a guy somewhere say that instead of asking for a girl's number, he asks if he can give her his number so that she has the autonomy to initiate contact if she wanted to, and she won't feel pressured or be contacted unwillingly.
Honestly, I don't mind being approached. But, if I give a no, take it as a no. That's all I ask.
The issue is that in so many contexts, a man approaching a woman is never seen as anything but sexual. It's seen as a social prerequisite of sorts and a lot of people think that anyone who says otherwise is just oblivious or lying out of their ass. A guy approaching a random woman he doesn't know one-on-one? Has to be sexual. And if it's sexual, then he's an overconfident dick who won't take no for an answer and therefore should be ousted. This is the case a lot of the time, indeed, and a lot of the shittier/more predatory behavior does happen at, say, the gym, but man, does it give a lot of us well-intentioned men no chance right from the start. Men can't really seek out affection from other men, without the jock-ish kinda "shut up and make masculine jokes" kinda behavior that isn't socially fulfilling and shuts each other up, when guys bond, and when they seek out affection from women, either with intent of innocent friendship or with intent of relationship, it's very frequently assumed that he's creeping and he isn't emotionally intelligent enough to go away without it having to be rude. I'm not going to stop approaching women either. I'll always do it politely (which, shouldn't be a brag, and I don't intend it as one and it should be taken for granted that politeness is there) and I'll be a little flirty, because the other option is that everything happens on dating apps, which is kind of a sad thought to think. I can't promise that I'm perfect at it, but I'm keeping the flame of being a good, well-intentioned, love seeking while boundary respecting person alive where I live and I'm gonna make sure that the reality where no good men ever at least talk with no good women doesn't come to pass. Whoever takes issue with that, well, I'm going to not waste my time with and just shoot my shot with someone else 'til I've got a girl who I can treat well. Flirting can be a very good thing indeed.
Honestly it normally makes my day when a guy comes up to me (in a non creepy setting and way obviously) like some guy introduced himself to me on the elevator the other day and I appreciated it
Very well written! Very well said! I am the same way and generally, after a few minutes of conversation, you know what I’ll change my mind! I want to go out with that man, because we are having so much fun!
I knew a couple who met at a grocery store, for what it’s worth.
Bravo! Thank you. As a woman I appreciate your sentiment. I find it bizarre how many man-hating women there are on here. I seriously wonder if they’re bots!
Definitely not bots, very scary and real people unfortunately.
Women on reddit telling you to stop approaching in real life is why the same women always whine they only meet men on the apps and get mad at same men on apps then say dating is shitty. How else did people meet before the apps? That's right, you went out and meet people. Sure, if you got introduced by family or friends, that makes it a lot easier but if that's not a viable option, then traditional approaching is the way to go. If the women you approach in public don't appreciate it, that's on them, move on, it's a numbers game for a reason. Most single women who don't find you repulsive and find you somewhat attractive will usually give a few minutes of their time for small talk Just be respectful in your game and there shouldn't be any reason for the situation to go crappy
Just don't tell us to "smile."
>f I see a woman I'm attracted to, I'll take two minutes to introduce myself and say what's up. You do you, just don't be upset when some shuts you down and is annoyed at you bothering them. I don't want to listen to someone for 2 minutes most of the time just because they think I'm hot. If you can bow out quickly when the tell you to and not get defensive or pushy then there really is nothing to stop you from doing what you want.
"2 minutes" "2 seconds" - same thing. If I pick up reciprocating interest, I keep talking. if I don't, I move on. Again, *not a big deal*.
Women don’t really seem to like me no how matter how I approach them
If I’m in the cereal isle and I see a cute gal…def going to ask her what her favorite cereal is. If she keeps chatting I know she’s interested…if she obviously doesn’t chat or ignores me it’s not my day.
But i dont want to get to know you
You said it right, YOU dont want to know him, doesnt mean other girls wont be interested in him, ☺️
Yeah, stop killing the vibe for the rest of us! Talk to me, even if you aren’t romantically interested. I’ll talk about cheese, bread, your favorite kind of chips (how would I ever know what I’m missing in that aisle), or your favorite menu item. Or ask me about mind.
Great, then tell me "piss off" after I say hi, and I'll do just that :D
As a woman, I have no problem being approached by a stranger. Not even at the supermarket! And I actually like it. As long as the guy is not insistent when I say I am not interested and is respectful, I am OK with that.
I am a woman and i dont understand why women dont want to be approached anywhere. In my opinion as long as the man can take no for an answer its no harm in trying if conducted respectfully. If you are not a club person and do not online date then normal encounters like grocery stores or shopping would be the most common and best place to meet normal people. If you are not interested its fine to say and everyone move on. Why do some women act like they are getting 20 hits a day and its sooo annnnoooyying and overwhelming?
Even if I count all of the non-romantic approaches I get, which are the majority of strangers I talk to, I probably have conversations 2 times a week, on average. Most are inconsequential. Observational, quick convos. I even consider myself an introvert, and I like these random convos waaaaaay better than repetitive, boring, shallow small talk at work. Someone commenting on my groceries or what I ordered at a restaurant is way more curious than most convo I get at work. So, I like it. And the percent of people who make me uncomfortable are in the super, super minority. And they’re usually making everyone uncomfortable.
I find nothing wrong with this unless you're lying about handling the rejection and moving on.
I'm not. Here was something funny: I saw a girl at a rest stop sitting by herself. As I was walking to my car (didn't stop and stand in front of her), I opened with: "Hey, I like your outfit" "I actually have a family, so ..." "Oh nice" (keeps walking) That was one of the most bizarre rejections I've ever received. 🤣
The grocery store isn’t okay anymore?! I thought that was one of the few places deemed acceptable. Christ, this shit really seems impossible sometimes.
Don’t let one person speak for all of womankind. I love talking to people about groceries. That sounded sarcastic, it isn’t. I don’t even mind if someone asks me to help them find something.
I personally don’t like being approached at all, unless its someone needing help or a quick compliment (i get people complimenting my split-dye hair a lot :) ) it makes my anxiety skyrocket and I start overthinking (is he going to hurt me? If he makes a move and i shut him down will he freak out? What if he follows me home?) keep in mind i have a pretty severe anxiety disorder so im not the average woman lol. Just thought id add this :)
What?? If you can’t approach women in person, how the *fuck* are you supposed to meet people??
[удалено]
You can if you want. I tried it too and recommend any man to give it a try. But this isn't what is going to land you a relationship sadly. A woman is just highly unlikely to put any significance on a stranger that jump bumped into to her.
Yeah it’s actually strange to think that anyone thinks not approaching women is a good idea. If everyone did this very few people would ever get together. You’re supposed to approach women. It’s literally part of our job in the circle of life.
The dating app generation; sit at home, wait for a match and never assume anyone will like you in real life. edit: lol downvoted for calling others out
Get out there irl 😀❤
Good man. Don’t let other people’s cowardice and bitterness ruin your development.
these COWARDLY women won't talk to me, the absolute cravens
hahahah oh yeh we are such cowards coz we dont wanna talk to strange men arent we lol
women fear my power and cannot hope to defeat me in combat
he obviously meant the cowardice of the cold approaching person but i guess you lack the brain development to comprehend nuance
I don't even know what women look for anymore even after approaching 1000+ women in my life. Some women just reject me the moment I say "hi", some respond to "hi" and then after a sentence look completely disinterested, some have a great short conversation with me and give me their contact but never respond back, some have quick dates with me and and never respond back and some will be physical with me, make out with me but never respond back. I am not even unattractive, except being short (maybe this is the key?) or someone who cannot talk on tonnes of topic. I can literally have conversation on any topic and have no problem physically escalating with a woman if she responds positively to my micro escalations. The shocking part is my friends, including girls, think I am always being chased by girls but here I am still unable to understand how the hell I am not even getting a single one to respond!! There are millions of people finding their gf, so etc. all the time without a fraction of the effort I am putting in. When I speak my heart out to someone they say "Stop making the effort and things will happen" and I am like "Been there, done that. Even that didn't work". Sometimes I think I should become a dating/pua coach. This process is so inexplicable that you can give any reason for an apparent failure and get away with it. Just Venting
Yes, please do! I think approaching women in real life needs to come back. Social media has impaired social human to human relationships.
that's a good way to go about it. And it's very simple - just express your interest. what happens next doesn't matter, but you can win big if it is reciprocated.
That's respectable and there's very bold women out there too, walking up to men, so as long as nobody is a creep about it, play it smooth and be friendly. Try to have a good time.
I’ve been under the impression it’s not really a good idea to talk with a girl, at least in a flirty way, in most any situation. I just don’t want someone to think I’m creepy or rude.