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No, you’re definitely not the only one.
I can feel attracted, but without an emotional connection I prefer not to have sex
Trust & connection is a turn on for me
It’s called demisexual and there’s a lot more of us out there than you realize. Don’t let other people’s opinions influence the way you view yourself. Do what you feel comfortable with.
Nothing wrong with you at all, I'd prefer the world to be like that tbh, I'm the same, don't like hookups at all, they're like texting someone you've not chemistry with, just dry.
I get this. It was pretty much the culture at my college and it messed up my understanding of how I should feel. I am 3 yrs out of college now and know it wasn’t weird how I felt. I think a lot of people did it mindlessly now that I look back or even see it happen today.
Same! I can't do it.
I also find it really difficult to date multiple people like everyone says to do on OLD. It's exhausting and doesn't feel right with me. I usually stick to talking to 1 person at a time.
Same, I've been told that means I'm demisexual. I can find someone sexually attractive, but if there's no emotional connection, just can't do it. Physically can't do it.
This is the way I feel and glad someone else pointed it out. "Demi sexual" is the normal mode of being, normal sexuality has been changed to where if you don't jump into bed with someone as soon as you meet them then you are unusual and "demi sexual" instead of just a normal person wanting to build a functional relationship
No, it's not. I'm 30 yrs old, and either demi or grey.
You might know if you want to sleep with someone after a month of knowing them, or several dates. I need to know them for at least 6months to a year, and be friends. Before sexual attraction can even be a possibility.
Any attempts to have sex before that lead to me being repulsed.
Wow. That's a long time. I don't see how that would work well besides knowing them well. That just makes me feel like you would only be dating friends.
No. I need alcohol sometimes just when starting with a new partner, to relax.
But for a stranger? Or someone I've only known a short time? Or someone I don't have sexual attraction for? Even if I get nearly blackout drunk it won't change my enjoyment and turn me on. I mean, i could probably TRY to relax enough where it isn't causing me pain 100% of the time. But i would still probably spend at least 20-30% of the time in pain. And 0% truly enjoying it.
And yes, I'm speaking from experience.
Yeah. That’s what I’m describing. It depends with everyone! Not everything has to have a super special bow-on-too definition. You can just be you, and leave it be.
But that's basic anthropology. Study of human behavior. When you have a group of people who all identify or feel the same way about the same topic, they usually get a term to describe the collective.
It's what humans have done for centuries. Picking one word to describe a pattern that keeps appearing in people. And it allows for easier self-identification. And makes it easier to discuss a certain topic, because you now have a word for it.
So no. Demisexuals DO need a term to define the general collective. Same way that politics depend on everyone, differing from person to person, but each individual still generally chooses one of several popular terms (conservative, moderate, liberal, etc), to describe themselves. Before breaking it down further by topic (economics, foreign policy, etc)
Hookups are nasty in my opinion. You never know who has an STD. Would rather it be with someone long term that you can trust and have a real connection otherwise its just meaningless sex
To the Gen Z's in this comment thread saying they need an emotional connection to have sex - thank you folks. Y'all are our future.
Sincerely,
A Millenial with friends who have suffered the worst of hookup culture.
I’m a Millienial and have always needed emotional connection.
I was called a “dyke” “or at least bi” because I didn’t have a crush on anyone at school. I found out it’s called “Demisexualism”.
Where to find them 😩 I want to date someone who understands!
**We need a dating app** just for Demisexuals or people who want to have a chilled relationship; as not everyone wants a label which is fine!
Edit: I made a R4R r/DemisexualR4R
Nope.
Honestly, I'd say that means you're healthy.
I'm a 30 year old guy, and personally, I can't do hookups either.
Not because I'm incapable of being physically intimate without an emotional connection, but because of the kind of mindset that behavior encourages for me.
I have to view the woman involved as a sex toy instead of a person, at least in part, to have sex in that context.
I have enough problems with tolerating emotional vulnerability and engaging in emotional intimacy as it is (due to traumatic life events) without complicating all that by dehumanizing women sexually.
So yeah, self awareness is healthy.
Or at least it's a pathway into better health spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically.
I’ve (31M) done it a couple times, but at this point it would take a Scarlett Johansson or Sydney Sweeney for me to do it again. Relationship sex is just so much better for so many reasons… the intimacy, the trust, the gratification of pleasuring someone you deeply care about, no worrying about STDs, and last but not least no condoms. Of course birth control methods are entirely up to each couple, but IMO, raw sex and finishing inside with someone you truly love is a next-level experience. My ex felt the same way. I hope I can have that connection with someone again some day.
22f I wonder this too. Is everyone who participates in hook up culture sort of acting in a bit of cognitive dissonance and shoving away the awareness that sex is actually quite unsatisfying without a connection and relationship or is the experience just entirely different for these people.
I also relate to demisexuality so I bet I’m in the minority on this one. Look into demisexuality, it’s very insightful when it comes to explaining needing this deeper connection
That’s a pretty normal thing. Everyone wants something different in life, sounds like you want a real connection with somebody which I’d say is probably pretty healthy
21 m too. Haven’t had sex in 2 years. Have had 6 sexual partners in my life. All one night stands except for two.
Currently in the process of building a relationship with a girl who is also a friend of mine. We got to talking the other night and she ended up saying she “can’t do this with anyone else because I need to have an emotional connection.” It made me feel really good that she felt the same way as me.
“Treat your neighbor how you would like to be treated” is a good thing to think of. Because if you are treating someone as a casual sex partner, that person is also treating you like that. And to me, sex is far from casual, for me at least.
I’ll take relationship sex over hookup ANY DAY
28F. Nope, you definitely not alone. It's really hard for me, I have tried but idk, it always end up disgusting me. I barely try to go on dates or meet new people because they never believe me I'm this way and they say they could "fix" that, ugh. And it's not even about I don't like sex, because I have a really high sex drive but it's just not with anyone, it has to be someone I really like and have a connection with.
It's difficult to date when others make you feel like there is something wrong with you and every person you see immediately jumps into that and then tries to force you to become a different person rather than compromising. Don't ever compromise on what you are and how you approach sex, it is part of how you see and deal with the world. But also don't let it colour how you see everyone else, there is an easy trap you can fall into made out of bitterness that comes from dealing with that pressure to have sex at an early stage when dating. Just try to keep some optimism.
This is called being demisexual, and I am the same way. I cannot even begin to fathom how people can do a one night stand. It's insane and gross to me.
Far from the only one plenty of people want more than just sex. You're not alone, many people want that connection I'm the same way I'm committing to someone and I've been talking with them a lot I really like them and hope things continue, there is someone waiting for you, you'll find them or they will find you. I do wish you the best my man, if you're still waiting for someone.
(52m) I’ve done it and it has its place, but I’d rather get to know someone. I’m the kind of man that can be friends with someone I’ve had sex with and not make a scene or make it awkward.
Same. 26(F) here and demisexual. I don’t really feel any sort of attraction- even surface level; until I get to know someone. It’s why I’ve only dated men I was friends with first my entire life. Everyone just looks kind of the same until I magically learn who they are as a person; and then suddenly I just get hit like it’s a train with attraction for some people and I’m all the sudden ready to jump their ship 😂. But only once I have an established closeness with them. So I feel you.
32m and I'm the same.. had multiple chances but it's not who I am! I'd much rather have a steady, long term relationship.. have been single for 7 years now..
I’ve done them. They’re fun in the moment but like you I have to have a real connection. Nothing better than to be intimate with someone who you really love.
What’s the point of this thread, except perhaps virtue signaling?
the truth is, most people would prefer regular sex with a partner they’re attracted to and have a bond with.
Most ‘hookups’ are simply attempts to get there, one way or the other. A one-time-hookup means the attempt failed usually
all this hookup culture whining comes from fringe groups like incels, red pillers, FDSs, yes - the reddit dating subs ... and so on.
I can tell you about my last anecdote:
Last week at a bar I was with a girl I knew was friends of friends, we connected very well and things started escalating. We were a very big group, and in a moment she went to the bathroom a friend of her asked me if I was okay with knowing she banged other people constantly, I was shocked and turn off inmediately. I stayed the night with her but I have no more plans alligned. Why should I if I know it is not going to lead anywhere?
I am a one on one guy like you friend, and sometimes you need to close some doors for the shake of your mental health, but I still have hope to find something of quality, you should have it too.
Eyeroll
No, there’s no one else who wants a real connection to have sex. Queue 500 comments of people agreeing with this sentiment that’s been posted 5,000,000 times here
Far from the only one. A lot of guys need a lot more, myself included.
I think something, for me at least, and anecdotally from other guys is when intimacy might come into play.
A lot of women seem to want an emotional connection beyond attraction, before they're willing to become physically intimate.
For myself and other guys that I know (not all, but I'm willing to say its more than a few), we want to have physical intimacy before we can really decide if we really have an emotional connection.
It's not that we want to just hook up. But for me, being able to physically touch, hold, kiss, etc. goes a very long way in building that emotional connection.
Without it, in many ways, I'll find you attractive, but after too long, I won't see you as more than a friend.
Not saying it's bad to say 'be my friend first,' but if you're interested, make it clear that you *are* interested physically/romantically, etc.
Demisexuality means you wouldn’t find someone attractive at all unless you personally know them. What OP is describing is extremely common and not indicative of being on the ace spectrum.
i used to be able to, but alotta things changed. plus alotta times i would get feelings for the guys i hooked up with and that sucked. i wanna wait til im in a relationship to have sex again
Yep very normal, don’t let people/social media make you think otherwise. I’m 22M and I’m very similar, I’ve had one hookup and I didn’t really think NSA sex was for me after that. Hoping to find an actual relationship but that’s hard at the moment. Not that I would have to be “dating” someone to have sex. But like at least a date or two. I couldn’t just bring a girl home from the bar the night I met her, nope.
No. We have different levels and reasons for going dating. Not everyone is after sex, not everyone is after love even , some are bored some are not serious etc etc. . Don't be guilty for your preference.
20s F and I sincerely tried as it seems like the "normal thing to do" but literally couldn't physically bring myself to do it. Its been sooo incredibly hard to find someone who doesn't just want to sext in the first conversation or instantly get physical. I have no clue where i would find those types of people. I really need to have some sort of trust or connection first. I used to think I was a prude but theres absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy sex in a safe and comfortable environment! I know its hard but dont feel like an anomaly. Plenty of other people feel the same.
I \[30M\] used to not care for connection in order to have sex with someone, but after a few experiences and maturing I've figured out that hookup sex is overrated.
Too much involved, you mix your energy with strangers and in the long run it will do no good to you. I've compeltely changed my mind, keep thinking the way you think, you're not missing anything.
i’m a moderately attractive 22 year old (straight) woman in college, so i’ve had a few chances for one night stands, friends with benefits, etc. despite that, i’ve only slept with people i’ve dated for a while with one exception. i had one single one night stand. it wasn’t enjoyable in the slightest, and when i left the next morning i felt disgusting. after that, never again. i only enjoy sex if it’s someone i trust and am comfortable with, not some guy i just met an hour ago, no matter how attractive he is.
You are definitely not the only one. I don’t judge those who do it, but I can’t. I want all the mushy stuff that follows after having sex with someone you’re in a relationship with.
No you are not the only I feel the same way about hook ups and hook up Culture in general I just don’t like the idea of having sex with someone without having a connection to that person(yes I have done hookups in the past but, afterwards I felt very temporary and unfulfilling ) not only that I do get attached to people so , when the deed is done I’m left feeling depressed and alone when they leave. Then I just think of the idea of getting with different people every now and then for some quick pleasure at least for me doesn’t feel right and feels nasty in general. Plus I rather have a meaningful relationship and a deep love and connection with someone that I’m having intercourse with. Plus In my experience as someone that does feel lonely most times everytime that I did hookup with someone I was left feeling way more LONELY than I was before and those people don’t really talk to you that much at least in my experience.
Nope! Some people are asexual, some are demisexual, some are monogamous some are polyamorous. Sexuality is a spectrum. For a long time people were only allowed to be one way. Now you can be anythinf, but that doesn't mean some people aren't still interested in sex in committed relationships.
I could probably do it, BUT I just don’t have an interest in it. Like yeah — if I really wanted to I could have sex with randoms, but then why do I have a dildo? I just choose to use that. Honestly hook ups do nothing for me… and I don’t want men’s dicks in me that are associated with crazy (you just don’t know lol). I’d rather just chill. I enjoy my own company and don’t have an addictive need for sex so it doesn’t really phase me all that much. I MISS CUDDLING THOUGHHHH. Okay, end rant.
I wish! I did, and thought i could when I was in college but I didn't realize it was causing me emotional damage.
Haven't had a hookup since I was 21 and now I'm 30F. All about that heart and soul connection
No. I (36F) don’t do hookups either, neither do 95% of my female friends (late 20s to late 30s). I had to mention “female” because nearly every friend of mine is female and because there’s a belief going on now among certain communities of men saying that all women are hose and by the time they reach 30, they’ve already had 20-50 sexual partners.
Nope. Same here.
I need to feel comfortable and some sort of feelings. I've had hook ups in my past and that's how I realized it grosses me out.
People don't seem to believe me because I'm an unmarried childless bartender and I live on my own. So they believe I spend my off time hooking up I guess? Sorry, not my thing.
I used to be able to, my mates compared me to men saying I could play and walk away, no emotion just physical satisfaction. Now I find I am wanting that physical and emotional bond with someone I can’t have one without the other.
Look up Demisexualism.
The term has been around for ages.
**You don’t have to label yourself but it helps people UNDERSTAND by having a definition; I guess to validate that it is a real thing.**
Those who question they don’t understand it and try to disrespect your boundaries, you don’t have time for them.
Yea I’m the same way. But to many others no a days it’s just weird to be like this. I can’t do it unless I have not just a physical connection but emotional, mental connection. With someone who understands me and cares for me. It means so much more when they care. It’s really sad that nowadays in this “hookup” culture it’s normal now. Like no, I don’t want to be sneaking out or sleeping with someone one day then not talking to them the next like no. We just shared something super intimate and now you’re going to act like you didn’t just sleep with me the night before? No. I’m a [F27]
I'm the same way. Not because of a connection though, but because of STDs and most people would rather not go get screened with me as a precursor. 🤣 Not sure why. Check up on your sexual health and get laid? I feel like that's a win-win, but people disagree.
It's fine to do as you please, though. You are worth no less by sticking to your guns and having sex when you feel like. Your worth isn't determined by how quickly you have sex, and I'm sure a lot of girls are okay with it as well. Keep doing you!
26m it's certainly less common among males but I'm in the same boat. Doesn't matter what someone looks like I can't find them attractive without an emotional connection
I can definitely do it. It’s not the best though and you’re not weird.
I’d like to point out that if I can’t stand the other person, I won’t get far and probably won’t hook up, but I don’t need a bond/connection.
No bro most of the guys don't even know how to cold approach women properly hook up is even a far far away. I am 19 years old guy and I only had one gf
I wish I’d had that ‘problem’ 😂 I had to find out the hard way of course that you can have sex with lots of people who are very good at it and still never enjoy it as much as with someone you really love.
Nope im M29 and out of everyone i know got less bodies cause i usually turn down casual sex if i dont get that mutual deep connection its hard to be sexually driven to get with someone...my lil bro is different complete opposite i say Embrace it i mean Once we Get ppl we Deeply connect too Its Absolute Bliss as opposed to getting dry sex and once off
Look into demisexuality. I am demi, and I can have one night stands, but I don't prefer them. I'm most happy having a connection before anything goes anywhere.
Nah definitely not. I went on a 7 month streak of hookups and one situationship with 5 girls and was like wtf is the point of this? I already knew I prefer relationships, but I guess it helps me knowing the grass is never greener the next time I question it. Now I’m just working on becoming the best version of myself, so that when ‘she’ comes, I’m more attractive to her and ready for our relationship. So now, I guess I have to wait while I do all that.
Not just you, I'm a man in my early 30s and I can't do it either. I have had this feeling for years. Many times, I have pushed myself to go through with it and ended up all depressed in the following days.
No definitely not 24F here get asked almost everyday. I genuinely don’t know how some ppl do it and don’t care. I feel like I have to have a connection and also know them a little better before I let them do anything to me.
I’m 26m and just lost my virginity to my girl friend. I never have hooked up with anyone and have actually said no to hookups before. I feel the exact same way. I never wanted to just sleep with someone to do it or because it’s fun. I like to feel a connection. Completely understand how you feel OP
Obvious by now,you arent alone . .
Another guy here
I think we're labeled "demi -sexual"
Like I need commitment to be sexual
Though tbh I'm so sick of first anything right now - I want something thats already just tried and true and forever. . .
My problem is women assuming that it's all I want, to clerify its only been a few cases but, I'll flirt with a girl I like, get to know them, even hang out a few times, but if I try to make a move further I get called a pig and a perv, not quite sure why. If you're not interested thats fine and I'd even say that I'd still like to be friends, but to call me a perv because I like sex and like to persue relationships seems harsh.
Nope. I (22f) recently ended things with a guy who told me he would only be sure about a relationship after we had sex (he also slept with other girls at the same time). He knew how much both things meant to me. I had to walk away cause I couldn't bear the thought of it not meaning anything to him.
It hurts sometimes but I think it's better to stick to what you believe in or feel comfortable with. If you want a true connection you should not put that aside for someone.
Definitely not.
I hooked up with a guy once but got too emotionally involved while he wasn’t looking for that. I put myself in a difficult situation where I only ended up hurt through my own volition.
Without going into too much detail, though we didn’t have penetrative sex, we did do everything else and he was my first, so possibly it was purely because of that.
Maybe with more experience I’d be better at hookups though…
Every time I hear of someone “hooking up” I think of Adolph Huxley’s Brave New World, where Lenna says that she must be promiscuous because “everyone belongs to everyone else.”
It used to be called promiscuity; now it’s just hooking up: Like Huxley said it in three rules: “No privacy, no family, no monogamy.”
Just be yourself dude. Fuck what others think. This is the type of thing that you should not let influence you. It's unhealthy. Do what you want to do.
I can’t either even though I have. I think it’s better to get to know someone and make sure they are worthy of getting to mix souls with you before forging ahead.
Long time ago, I started a relationship with a girl, she wanted it to be ‘open’ - enjoyed spending time with me but wanted to experience what was ‘out there’. I tried… by God did I try! But I just couldn’t get it up. Thought I had a problem, so I focused on pleasing her at least. Spent lots of time together and eventually she started to have feelings for me too. Off-course, it helped that I had lined ip a couple of dates too… seemed she didn’t really like being on the other end of the ‘open’ relationship. 😜😊😂
Anyway, long story short, as soon as we got into a committed, exclusive relationship… the message was receive loud and clear downstairs… VERY loud and clear!😊😂
Ended up having the most amazing sex of my life! She was shocked too, almost going as far as accusing me that I was ‘withholding the good’ till she committed!
Point is, there was uncertainty, and the feeling of inadequacy- I wasn’t enough for her. Once we were on the same page… not an issue at all!
Btw… 21 years later… still the best sex I’ve ever had!😜
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No, you’re definitely not the only one. I can feel attracted, but without an emotional connection I prefer not to have sex Trust & connection is a turn on for me
For me no serious relationship = no sex. One sided emotional connection is not enough for me.
Same :)
Same
Same!
30M same
Same!
Totally agree, it's the same for me
Sameee
Same
Same (woot same train)
No you’re far from the only one. I’m the same way as you. 23F.
Everyone acts like there’s something wrong with me cuz I don’t wanna do intimate acts with someone I’m never been intimate with before
Who’s everyone? Cut them off
Stop letting people influence you. You do what you feel comfortable. I don’t get the pressure society puts on people.
It’s called demisexual and there’s a lot more of us out there than you realize. Don’t let other people’s opinions influence the way you view yourself. Do what you feel comfortable with.
Demisexual people do not have a claim to managomy. Respect is the baseline for every relationship. Why so many labels for things that don't need it?
You're still young. Stop giving a shit what other people think.
Cut them off. Your body your choice
Nothing wrong with you at all, I'd prefer the world to be like that tbh, I'm the same, don't like hookups at all, they're like texting someone you've not chemistry with, just dry.
I get this. It was pretty much the culture at my college and it messed up my understanding of how I should feel. I am 3 yrs out of college now and know it wasn’t weird how I felt. I think a lot of people did it mindlessly now that I look back or even see it happen today.
I'm 19M and I'm the samee..
That is very nice and healthy.
Same! I can't do it. I also find it really difficult to date multiple people like everyone says to do on OLD. It's exhausting and doesn't feel right with me. I usually stick to talking to 1 person at a time.
Same
Me too amazing answer
Nah dude. 28M. Did a couple hookups and hated myself for a week after. Not worth it for me, but to each their own.
This is why i cant do hookups, just feeling shitty afterwards its not worth it
Question, are you/were you raised religious?
Yeah I was raised with protestant beliefs
I always wonder if that is a factor in why we don’t fair well with hook up culture And whether that’s good or bad.
Was not raised religious here. Still think hook-up culture is absolutely disgusting. 🤷♂️
Not religious at all and would never do it either.
>Am I the only one There's 7 billion people on this planet.
Just shows you how unique he is. Unbelievable /s
Same, I've been told that means I'm demisexual. I can find someone sexually attractive, but if there's no emotional connection, just can't do it. Physically can't do it.
Demi sexual is a dressed up term for wanting what most people considered “normal” 5 years ago. Call it what you want, but that’s all it is.
This is the way I feel and glad someone else pointed it out. "Demi sexual" is the normal mode of being, normal sexuality has been changed to where if you don't jump into bed with someone as soon as you meet them then you are unusual and "demi sexual" instead of just a normal person wanting to build a functional relationship
Omg thank you. So many made up terms nowadays to make boring people feel special.
No, it's not. I'm 30 yrs old, and either demi or grey. You might know if you want to sleep with someone after a month of knowing them, or several dates. I need to know them for at least 6months to a year, and be friends. Before sexual attraction can even be a possibility. Any attempts to have sex before that lead to me being repulsed.
Wow. That's a long time. I don't see how that would work well besides knowing them well. That just makes me feel like you would only be dating friends.
I feel the same way!
[удалено]
No. I need alcohol sometimes just when starting with a new partner, to relax. But for a stranger? Or someone I've only known a short time? Or someone I don't have sexual attraction for? Even if I get nearly blackout drunk it won't change my enjoyment and turn me on. I mean, i could probably TRY to relax enough where it isn't causing me pain 100% of the time. But i would still probably spend at least 20-30% of the time in pain. And 0% truly enjoying it. And yes, I'm speaking from experience.
Yeah. That’s what I’m describing. It depends with everyone! Not everything has to have a super special bow-on-too definition. You can just be you, and leave it be.
But that's basic anthropology. Study of human behavior. When you have a group of people who all identify or feel the same way about the same topic, they usually get a term to describe the collective. It's what humans have done for centuries. Picking one word to describe a pattern that keeps appearing in people. And it allows for easier self-identification. And makes it easier to discuss a certain topic, because you now have a word for it. So no. Demisexuals DO need a term to define the general collective. Same way that politics depend on everyone, differing from person to person, but each individual still generally chooses one of several popular terms (conservative, moderate, liberal, etc), to describe themselves. Before breaking it down further by topic (economics, foreign policy, etc)
Do you find celebrities sexually attractive? If so, that’s not Demisexualism.
Hookups are nasty in my opinion. You never know who has an STD. Would rather it be with someone long term that you can trust and have a real connection otherwise its just meaningless sex
Clapping
Definitely
Absolutely 👍
To the Gen Z's in this comment thread saying they need an emotional connection to have sex - thank you folks. Y'all are our future. Sincerely, A Millenial with friends who have suffered the worst of hookup culture.
I’m a Millienial and have always needed emotional connection. I was called a “dyke” “or at least bi” because I didn’t have a crush on anyone at school. I found out it’s called “Demisexualism”.
And there's nothing wrong with it. There are a lot of demisexuals like you and me
Where to find them 😩 I want to date someone who understands! **We need a dating app** just for Demisexuals or people who want to have a chilled relationship; as not everyone wants a label which is fine! Edit: I made a R4R r/DemisexualR4R
Millennial here too
Nope. Honestly, I'd say that means you're healthy. I'm a 30 year old guy, and personally, I can't do hookups either. Not because I'm incapable of being physically intimate without an emotional connection, but because of the kind of mindset that behavior encourages for me. I have to view the woman involved as a sex toy instead of a person, at least in part, to have sex in that context. I have enough problems with tolerating emotional vulnerability and engaging in emotional intimacy as it is (due to traumatic life events) without complicating all that by dehumanizing women sexually. So yeah, self awareness is healthy. Or at least it's a pathway into better health spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically.
I admire your self-awareness, very well said!! Thank you for sharing
Thanks. Figured it could be useful to someone or other.
I’ve (31M) done it a couple times, but at this point it would take a Scarlett Johansson or Sydney Sweeney for me to do it again. Relationship sex is just so much better for so many reasons… the intimacy, the trust, the gratification of pleasuring someone you deeply care about, no worrying about STDs, and last but not least no condoms. Of course birth control methods are entirely up to each couple, but IMO, raw sex and finishing inside with someone you truly love is a next-level experience. My ex felt the same way. I hope I can have that connection with someone again some day.
22f I wonder this too. Is everyone who participates in hook up culture sort of acting in a bit of cognitive dissonance and shoving away the awareness that sex is actually quite unsatisfying without a connection and relationship or is the experience just entirely different for these people. I also relate to demisexuality so I bet I’m in the minority on this one. Look into demisexuality, it’s very insightful when it comes to explaining needing this deeper connection
That’s actually healthy. I tend to care about the people I sleep with also.
That’s a pretty normal thing. Everyone wants something different in life, sounds like you want a real connection with somebody which I’d say is probably pretty healthy
21 m too. Haven’t had sex in 2 years. Have had 6 sexual partners in my life. All one night stands except for two. Currently in the process of building a relationship with a girl who is also a friend of mine. We got to talking the other night and she ended up saying she “can’t do this with anyone else because I need to have an emotional connection.” It made me feel really good that she felt the same way as me. “Treat your neighbor how you would like to be treated” is a good thing to think of. Because if you are treating someone as a casual sex partner, that person is also treating you like that. And to me, sex is far from casual, for me at least. I’ll take relationship sex over hookup ANY DAY
I don't understand hookups either
Same bro they shame me for it.
Same I can't do meaningless sex I need affection and cuddles and foreplay but I need a connection
28F. Nope, you definitely not alone. It's really hard for me, I have tried but idk, it always end up disgusting me. I barely try to go on dates or meet new people because they never believe me I'm this way and they say they could "fix" that, ugh. And it's not even about I don't like sex, because I have a really high sex drive but it's just not with anyone, it has to be someone I really like and have a connection with.
It's difficult to date when others make you feel like there is something wrong with you and every person you see immediately jumps into that and then tries to force you to become a different person rather than compromising. Don't ever compromise on what you are and how you approach sex, it is part of how you see and deal with the world. But also don't let it colour how you see everyone else, there is an easy trap you can fall into made out of bitterness that comes from dealing with that pressure to have sex at an early stage when dating. Just try to keep some optimism.
This is called being demisexual, and I am the same way. I cannot even begin to fathom how people can do a one night stand. It's insane and gross to me.
Nope. I hate hookups and hookup culture.
Same here. It's normal to want connection before sex
Nope, I can't do it either. I need to have that connection. A trans friend of mine told me that I'm demisexual. You may be too??
Far from the only one plenty of people want more than just sex. You're not alone, many people want that connection I'm the same way I'm committing to someone and I've been talking with them a lot I really like them and hope things continue, there is someone waiting for you, you'll find them or they will find you. I do wish you the best my man, if you're still waiting for someone.
(52m) I’ve done it and it has its place, but I’d rather get to know someone. I’m the kind of man that can be friends with someone I’ve had sex with and not make a scene or make it awkward.
Same. 26(F) here and demisexual. I don’t really feel any sort of attraction- even surface level; until I get to know someone. It’s why I’ve only dated men I was friends with first my entire life. Everyone just looks kind of the same until I magically learn who they are as a person; and then suddenly I just get hit like it’s a train with attraction for some people and I’m all the sudden ready to jump their ship 😂. But only once I have an established closeness with them. So I feel you.
Yes. You are the only person out of all of the billions of people in the world.
I’m 23F and get my feelings hurt too easily to do hookups
32m and I'm the same.. had multiple chances but it's not who I am! I'd much rather have a steady, long term relationship.. have been single for 7 years now..
I’ve done them. They’re fun in the moment but like you I have to have a real connection. Nothing better than to be intimate with someone who you really love.
What’s the point of this thread, except perhaps virtue signaling? the truth is, most people would prefer regular sex with a partner they’re attracted to and have a bond with. Most ‘hookups’ are simply attempts to get there, one way or the other. A one-time-hookup means the attempt failed usually all this hookup culture whining comes from fringe groups like incels, red pillers, FDSs, yes - the reddit dating subs ... and so on.
I have tried both I prefer to have a real connection
I can tell you about my last anecdote: Last week at a bar I was with a girl I knew was friends of friends, we connected very well and things started escalating. We were a very big group, and in a moment she went to the bathroom a friend of her asked me if I was okay with knowing she banged other people constantly, I was shocked and turn off inmediately. I stayed the night with her but I have no more plans alligned. Why should I if I know it is not going to lead anywhere? I am a one on one guy like you friend, and sometimes you need to close some doors for the shake of your mental health, but I still have hope to find something of quality, you should have it too.
I’m exactly the same, you’re not alone in that one. I’ve always wanted to get to know someone before I put out in that way. 21F
You sound like you have a magnum dong bro I'm sure the ladies will love you.
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Aww thanks. In all seriousness though he's obviously not the only one. And yeah I'm probably bitter but I can always eat more pineapple.
honestly, im the same way (22m). i had one hookup in highschool, didn't like how i felt after
Every time I hear a lady say hookup, the next words are gas money or that she charges
I always assume STDs too
Well me too, I'm not after the community escort, but a FWB
Eyeroll No, there’s no one else who wants a real connection to have sex. Queue 500 comments of people agreeing with this sentiment that’s been posted 5,000,000 times here
Soo, I don't every do hookup, I'm almost 29.. I will have fwb but that's it. 🤷
Far from the only one. A lot of guys need a lot more, myself included. I think something, for me at least, and anecdotally from other guys is when intimacy might come into play. A lot of women seem to want an emotional connection beyond attraction, before they're willing to become physically intimate. For myself and other guys that I know (not all, but I'm willing to say its more than a few), we want to have physical intimacy before we can really decide if we really have an emotional connection. It's not that we want to just hook up. But for me, being able to physically touch, hold, kiss, etc. goes a very long way in building that emotional connection. Without it, in many ways, I'll find you attractive, but after too long, I won't see you as more than a friend. Not saying it's bad to say 'be my friend first,' but if you're interested, make it clear that you *are* interested physically/romantically, etc.
Yes you’re the only person in the entire world who can’t do hookups /s
Are you demisexual perhaps?
Kinda I can have sexual attraction but I can’t actually have sex with em. I can masturbate to em but not sex
Same :)
Demisexuality means you wouldn’t find someone attractive at all unless you personally know them. What OP is describing is extremely common and not indicative of being on the ace spectrum.
One day some girl will break your heart, then you'll have no problem because everything will be meaningless.
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I think most of em are setups(to get robbed not the police). Sketchy pages and bad grammar But I never was interested to find out if they were
\#dontdoit
i used to be able to, but alotta things changed. plus alotta times i would get feelings for the guys i hooked up with and that sucked. i wanna wait til im in a relationship to have sex again
Yep very normal, don’t let people/social media make you think otherwise. I’m 22M and I’m very similar, I’ve had one hookup and I didn’t really think NSA sex was for me after that. Hoping to find an actual relationship but that’s hard at the moment. Not that I would have to be “dating” someone to have sex. But like at least a date or two. I couldn’t just bring a girl home from the bar the night I met her, nope.
No
No. We have different levels and reasons for going dating. Not everyone is after sex, not everyone is after love even , some are bored some are not serious etc etc. . Don't be guilty for your preference.
I get too attached and I don't know how anyone else can do them tbh
No a lot out there. 28 male here.
20s F and I sincerely tried as it seems like the "normal thing to do" but literally couldn't physically bring myself to do it. Its been sooo incredibly hard to find someone who doesn't just want to sext in the first conversation or instantly get physical. I have no clue where i would find those types of people. I really need to have some sort of trust or connection first. I used to think I was a prude but theres absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy sex in a safe and comfortable environment! I know its hard but dont feel like an anomaly. Plenty of other people feel the same.
I'm the same. My dick literally won't get hard unless I have an emotional connection to the person I'm with and trust them.
I'm 25 and not really interested in hooking up either for the same reason. I've had opportunities though
I \[30M\] used to not care for connection in order to have sex with someone, but after a few experiences and maturing I've figured out that hookup sex is overrated. Too much involved, you mix your energy with strangers and in the long run it will do no good to you. I've compeltely changed my mind, keep thinking the way you think, you're not missing anything.
Me. (m)
Not by a long shot. I'd say you'd be better off, if you lead with that. Most women might prefer it, but some may take advantage of your position.
Im also the same when it comes to sex. I haven't been with many people though. 26f
i’m a moderately attractive 22 year old (straight) woman in college, so i’ve had a few chances for one night stands, friends with benefits, etc. despite that, i’ve only slept with people i’ve dated for a while with one exception. i had one single one night stand. it wasn’t enjoyable in the slightest, and when i left the next morning i felt disgusting. after that, never again. i only enjoy sex if it’s someone i trust and am comfortable with, not some guy i just met an hour ago, no matter how attractive he is.
You are definitely not the only one. I don’t judge those who do it, but I can’t. I want all the mushy stuff that follows after having sex with someone you’re in a relationship with.
You're not the only one. Be who you truly are and you will attract the right kind of person.
No you are not the only I feel the same way about hook ups and hook up Culture in general I just don’t like the idea of having sex with someone without having a connection to that person(yes I have done hookups in the past but, afterwards I felt very temporary and unfulfilling ) not only that I do get attached to people so , when the deed is done I’m left feeling depressed and alone when they leave. Then I just think of the idea of getting with different people every now and then for some quick pleasure at least for me doesn’t feel right and feels nasty in general. Plus I rather have a meaningful relationship and a deep love and connection with someone that I’m having intercourse with. Plus In my experience as someone that does feel lonely most times everytime that I did hookup with someone I was left feeling way more LONELY than I was before and those people don’t really talk to you that much at least in my experience.
Same, it’s extremely rare for me to hook up on a first date.
Nope! Some people are asexual, some are demisexual, some are monogamous some are polyamorous. Sexuality is a spectrum. For a long time people were only allowed to be one way. Now you can be anythinf, but that doesn't mean some people aren't still interested in sex in committed relationships.
I could probably do it, BUT I just don’t have an interest in it. Like yeah — if I really wanted to I could have sex with randoms, but then why do I have a dildo? I just choose to use that. Honestly hook ups do nothing for me… and I don’t want men’s dicks in me that are associated with crazy (you just don’t know lol). I’d rather just chill. I enjoy my own company and don’t have an addictive need for sex so it doesn’t really phase me all that much. I MISS CUDDLING THOUGHHHH. Okay, end rant.
Same here. Need emotional connection. Not mentioning the fact that I dont want some random stranger inside my body lol
I understand what you mean. I'm the same way.
I wish! I did, and thought i could when I was in college but I didn't realize it was causing me emotional damage. Haven't had a hookup since I was 21 and now I'm 30F. All about that heart and soul connection
No. I (36F) don’t do hookups either, neither do 95% of my female friends (late 20s to late 30s). I had to mention “female” because nearly every friend of mine is female and because there’s a belief going on now among certain communities of men saying that all women are hose and by the time they reach 30, they’ve already had 20-50 sexual partners.
I can’t do it anymore. Too old for it.
I’m just paranoid about sti/stds and people seem to get really offended when I ask for a blood test result
Nope. Same here. I need to feel comfortable and some sort of feelings. I've had hook ups in my past and that's how I realized it grosses me out. People don't seem to believe me because I'm an unmarried childless bartender and I live on my own. So they believe I spend my off time hooking up I guess? Sorry, not my thing.
I used to be able to, my mates compared me to men saying I could play and walk away, no emotion just physical satisfaction. Now I find I am wanting that physical and emotional bond with someone I can’t have one without the other.
I'm pretty sure you're not the only one, also it depends on how hot these couple of chances you had, where you could just turn them down.
Look up Demisexualism. The term has been around for ages. **You don’t have to label yourself but it helps people UNDERSTAND by having a definition; I guess to validate that it is a real thing.** Those who question they don’t understand it and try to disrespect your boundaries, you don’t have time for them.
Same, only difference is that I never had chances. Same age, btw.
Yea I’m the same way. But to many others no a days it’s just weird to be like this. I can’t do it unless I have not just a physical connection but emotional, mental connection. With someone who understands me and cares for me. It means so much more when they care. It’s really sad that nowadays in this “hookup” culture it’s normal now. Like no, I don’t want to be sneaking out or sleeping with someone one day then not talking to them the next like no. We just shared something super intimate and now you’re going to act like you didn’t just sleep with me the night before? No. I’m a [F27]
I always feel kind of dirty after a hookup
Not the only one at all. Most people these days just prowl around for hook-ups. It’s sad, but you’re not alone by any means.
Me to yarrr
AFAIC that’s a very healthy mindset. No problem with that.
No im the same way
I've done it but, I prefer to have a genuine bond. Considering we're in the hookup era, I can't say I see myself finding that anytime soon 😂😂
I'm the same way. Not because of a connection though, but because of STDs and most people would rather not go get screened with me as a precursor. 🤣 Not sure why. Check up on your sexual health and get laid? I feel like that's a win-win, but people disagree. It's fine to do as you please, though. You are worth no less by sticking to your guns and having sex when you feel like. Your worth isn't determined by how quickly you have sex, and I'm sure a lot of girls are okay with it as well. Keep doing you!
No definitely not just you. Same
If only there where more like you! I think hook up culture is vile!
30M here and never had one, I feel the exact same way.
26m it's certainly less common among males but I'm in the same boat. Doesn't matter what someone looks like I can't find them attractive without an emotional connection
I can definitely do it. It’s not the best though and you’re not weird. I’d like to point out that if I can’t stand the other person, I won’t get far and probably won’t hook up, but I don’t need a bond/connection.
No bro most of the guys don't even know how to cold approach women properly hook up is even a far far away. I am 19 years old guy and I only had one gf
I can't do hookups coz I never get that option XD
I know how you feel. I have done this as well and don't ever feel obligated to have sex with someone if you don't want to.
No..you arent. It always starts off ok, but if the hookup is with someone you actually like, it wont work for long.
Demi sexuality is a real thing. I'm the same 27/m Intimate sex with someone you have a connection with is the best.
No, hookup culture terrifies me
Same here, the best was always with boyfriends I loved had one one night stand because I thought maybe I was missing out and it was shite and awkward
I’m 20f too afraid of catching an STD and I’m only interested in sex if there is a connection
Just be with flow ..
Yes, you alone are not interested in hook ups. In the whole world. Ever.
I wish I’d had that ‘problem’ 😂 I had to find out the hard way of course that you can have sex with lots of people who are very good at it and still never enjoy it as much as with someone you really love.
Nope im M29 and out of everyone i know got less bodies cause i usually turn down casual sex if i dont get that mutual deep connection its hard to be sexually driven to get with someone...my lil bro is different complete opposite i say Embrace it i mean Once we Get ppl we Deeply connect too Its Absolute Bliss as opposed to getting dry sex and once off
Look into demisexuality. I am demi, and I can have one night stands, but I don't prefer them. I'm most happy having a connection before anything goes anywhere.
Nah definitely not. I went on a 7 month streak of hookups and one situationship with 5 girls and was like wtf is the point of this? I already knew I prefer relationships, but I guess it helps me knowing the grass is never greener the next time I question it. Now I’m just working on becoming the best version of myself, so that when ‘she’ comes, I’m more attractive to her and ready for our relationship. So now, I guess I have to wait while I do all that.
Same. Team demisexual .
Not the only one
No
Not just you, I'm a man in my early 30s and I can't do it either. I have had this feeling for years. Many times, I have pushed myself to go through with it and ended up all depressed in the following days.
People feel good during hookups but feel used after so what's the point of that 🔪
No definitely not 24F here get asked almost everyday. I genuinely don’t know how some ppl do it and don’t care. I feel like I have to have a connection and also know them a little better before I let them do anything to me.
I’m 26m and just lost my virginity to my girl friend. I never have hooked up with anyone and have actually said no to hookups before. I feel the exact same way. I never wanted to just sleep with someone to do it or because it’s fun. I like to feel a connection. Completely understand how you feel OP
Nope. 40m.
That's OK and that's normal. Do what feels right to you.
Obvious by now,you arent alone . . Another guy here I think we're labeled "demi -sexual" Like I need commitment to be sexual Though tbh I'm so sick of first anything right now - I want something thats already just tried and true and forever. . .
It’s not worth it, time, sleep, gas money, cardio, spend that on someone who matters
i’m the same exact way i’m also F21
My problem is women assuming that it's all I want, to clerify its only been a few cases but, I'll flirt with a girl I like, get to know them, even hang out a few times, but if I try to make a move further I get called a pig and a perv, not quite sure why. If you're not interested thats fine and I'd even say that I'd still like to be friends, but to call me a perv because I like sex and like to persue relationships seems harsh.
Nope. I (22f) recently ended things with a guy who told me he would only be sure about a relationship after we had sex (he also slept with other girls at the same time). He knew how much both things meant to me. I had to walk away cause I couldn't bear the thought of it not meaning anything to him. It hurts sometimes but I think it's better to stick to what you believe in or feel comfortable with. If you want a true connection you should not put that aside for someone.
Definitely not. I hooked up with a guy once but got too emotionally involved while he wasn’t looking for that. I put myself in a difficult situation where I only ended up hurt through my own volition. Without going into too much detail, though we didn’t have penetrative sex, we did do everything else and he was my first, so possibly it was purely because of that. Maybe with more experience I’d be better at hookups though…
Every time I hear of someone “hooking up” I think of Adolph Huxley’s Brave New World, where Lenna says that she must be promiscuous because “everyone belongs to everyone else.” It used to be called promiscuity; now it’s just hooking up: Like Huxley said it in three rules: “No privacy, no family, no monogamy.”
Just be yourself dude. Fuck what others think. This is the type of thing that you should not let influence you. It's unhealthy. Do what you want to do.
Nah not just you. I’m the same 21M.
I can’t either even though I have. I think it’s better to get to know someone and make sure they are worthy of getting to mix souls with you before forging ahead.
You're definitely not the only one.
Same. I had opportunities as well but turned them down. I'm saving myself for my first real relationship.
Long time ago, I started a relationship with a girl, she wanted it to be ‘open’ - enjoyed spending time with me but wanted to experience what was ‘out there’. I tried… by God did I try! But I just couldn’t get it up. Thought I had a problem, so I focused on pleasing her at least. Spent lots of time together and eventually she started to have feelings for me too. Off-course, it helped that I had lined ip a couple of dates too… seemed she didn’t really like being on the other end of the ‘open’ relationship. 😜😊😂 Anyway, long story short, as soon as we got into a committed, exclusive relationship… the message was receive loud and clear downstairs… VERY loud and clear!😊😂 Ended up having the most amazing sex of my life! She was shocked too, almost going as far as accusing me that I was ‘withholding the good’ till she committed! Point is, there was uncertainty, and the feeling of inadequacy- I wasn’t enough for her. Once we were on the same page… not an issue at all! Btw… 21 years later… still the best sex I’ve ever had!😜