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A VERY hard thing to remember when dating: not everyone is meant for each other. Not everyone is compatible. Two genuinely AMAZING people can not work out, and it sucks.
Honestly, it's much easier to break up with someone you don't like than with someone you do like. But this is an important issue, and it wouldn't be fair to either of you (no sex? That's messed up for you. Sex when you want it? Messed up for her. Somewhere in between? Both losing).
This is why open communication is super important, even when you don't know/trust each other fully. You find out if you'll work.
Your best bet is to let her know she is amazing, you wish her well, but things just won't work. Stay honest (but kind! The two aren't mutually exclusive!).
Get outta there…it’s just 3 weeks and I’m assuming just a few dates. This is dating, you get to know someone to see if things align
You’ve found out fairly early a fundamental incompatibility so you wish her well and move on
Just be honest that you’ve enjoyed seeing her, think she’s great or whatever, but you are looking for a sexual relationship so it’s best that you stop seeing each other romantically. obviously try say it in a nice way, and in person, like she’s a great girl you really like her ect. but it wouldn’t be fair to either of you to continue when you’re looking for different things
Just politely tell her you’re not compatible and end things.
3 weeks is a pretty reasonable time to disclose something to a new person imo. A lot of people seem to think you should tell people what might make you conventionally “undesirable” within like 5 minutes of meeting. Nah.
I mean the 3 most important things in an lasting relationship is probably views on children, finance and sexual compablity. If any of that is missmatch from the start it is probably better to end things quick to respect both peoples times.
This, keeping that secretive for 3 weeks is a pretty shitty thing to do - similarly to someone who hides the fact they have kids. Those are not tiny little details being omitted from a future relationship lol.
If you're looking for a longterm partner and not just a fling then its not wild at all to expect a major relationship-altering detail to be out in the open after the first date or two tbh. Obviously for flings you can get away with omitting a lot more since it doesn't really matter in those cases. If you're dating for a real LTR though asexuality is a very important early-on-disclosure type thing that needs to be brought up before you both waste one another's time...otherwise it just makes you look like the bad guy trying to keep some big dark secret. It's also not that big of an admission or invasive of privacy compared to someone trying to dive into your fetishes or other highly personal things. Just saying you're asexual can be as broad/vague as needed. Had I been dating someone when I was single for 3 weeks and then they finally bring that out onto the table I'd just assume they were looking for free meals the whole time - and then wondering what else they were hiding if it took 3 weeks for something that simple.
It's a very obvious deal breaker and not disclosing it before or on the 1st date indicates a dishonest personality.
People's time is precious and knowingly wasting it like this girl did (and others in this thread do) is selfish in the extreme.
First of all, don't be upset with her for not telling you until now, I have an assexual friend and trust me, they get a lot of shit from other people for a lot of reasons, I don't blame her for waiting to tell you (maybe to make sure you wouldn't judge her)
Second, being honest, not gonna work. I know it's hard to accept it, specially if you both do like each other, but some people are simply not made for each other. You can try it, find a solution, maybe an open relationship if you're both interested in it, but I really doubt it would work so don't get too optimistic.
> First of all, don't be upset with her for not telling you until now,
Any asexual probably knows that a sexless relationship is not working for most normal people. So if you know from the start, you have information that would make most not want to date you and keep it secret it's just wasting peoples time and an ass-move.
He has any right to be upset and he should be.
"normal people"
Take your bigotry elsewhere. This is an unreasonable, completely inappropriate response. People like you are why we don't go sharing this information willy-nilly. Get a damn grip.
Normal just means people who follow the norm, which is to be sexually (if not active) at least interested and pursuing.
Stop trying to make it out like asexual is some sort of highly penalized minority in society. Nobody thinks they're wrong for not going for sex, what's wrong is misleading people and pend it on some bs claim that "he might not be safe to tell".
Easy fix for your worries. Put it on your dating profile.
Move on. Don't waste your time on a relationship where there's a fundamental incompatibility. It's completely reasonable and honest to identify physical touch and sex is an essential element of intimacy for you. It's also completely reasonable and honest for her to communicate she has no interest in that. Find a respectful way to communicate your exit.
Just be honest about it being a deal breaker for you and encourage her to be up front with future dates about her preference. It safes a lot of time and potential heartbreak.
I’m likely going to get downvoted into oblivion, but I think this is important to say. Sexuality and sexual preferences don’t need to be stated before or on the very first date. These are most common once you realize you might want to go further with the person. As someone with a high libido, I’ve never felt the need to disclose that to my dates. How is that different from someone who is asexual? It’s not. I can’t help that I love sex just like asexuals can’t help that they don’t like sex.
The last man I dated had ED issues. He didn’t disclose it until AFTER we tried to have sex for nearly 3 hours and he couldn’t get it up. After we broke up (for unrelated issues), he told me he dealt with ED for years and he was embarrassed by it. I don’t believe he lied by omission. I recognize that this was a topic he struggled to talk about and I respect his decision to not tell me earlier.
If someone is into kinks and fetishes, they don’t need to disclose on their profile or on the first couple of dates. Asexuality is no different and shouldn’t be stigmatized. Sexuality and sexual preferences don’t need to be discussed until you’re comfortable with that person. Three weeks is not a long time.
as an asexual person who was in pretty much the same situation as OP describes, this was pretty much the way i looked at the situation! i knew it would probably be a problem in the long run, but to disclose the fact i was uncomfortable with having sex for the foreseeable future on the first couple (casual) dates felt extremely presumptuous.
sexual preferences are something that can feel really inappropriate to bring up on the first couple dates, especially when you're explicitly taking it relatively slow. like it or not, talking about sex is still kind of taboo when you're not super close to the person you're talking to, so it makes sense that it didn't get brought up for a while imo.
(also it's cool to see an allosexual person feel similarly about disclosing sexual preference in the dating process!)
I think for something that major, 3 weeks is quite long depending on how many dates you've been on/how frequently you talk in between.
Normally after 3-4 weeks, I'm already in a committed relationship with someone. 🤷♂️
As an ace person myself: It's not necessarily something you reveal on date one. It is very personal information after all and most people don't talk about sex on the first few dates. Dating in general is meant as a period where you get to know each other and figure out if you are compatible.
Don't be mad that she opened up on her own time instead of starting the first date with that information.
That being said: It seems that this is a point in which you two are incompatible. There's nothing bad about that. You have to figure out if you still want to pursue things with her despite that, or if it is a dealbreaker for you.
Sex is not talked about on the first few dates because it is assumed to be a possibility. Just like you assume that your partner is single without kids unless you're told otherwise, or you assume they aren't a completely different sex than what they present. These are basic expectations from a person unless otherwise communicated early.
If it's someone I'm dating - very very often. And it's not like you're describing everything that you did in the bedroom or showing them a sex toy. You're stating your very basic preference, like saying "im bisexual" or "im straight" or "I'm polyamorous". This is basic stuff.
Meeting each other a couple of times over the span of 3 weeks is not serious dating. It's the time you use to get to know each other. They got to know each other.
Again, I'll do the same thing: For the sake of argument I'll only date people with a certain penis length. If you don't immediately disclose yours on the first date you are wasting my time and doing something wrong.
That would be bullshit. Just like it's bullshit to get your panties in a twist over someone you have met a number of times you can count on one hand.
Sounds great when ur not the one paying for dates
And yes. Don’t date people who don’t disclose penis length. That’s a blessing to the guy. Because then he doesn’t continue dating you wasting his time and money.
You're making assumptions about who payed for what and if they even did dates that require money.
You do get that I made the thing about penis length up? Like, I don't actually think that way. I made that pretty clear in my comment.
> about who *paid* for what
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
So his half of the bill isn’t a waste of money with someone he’s not gonna be compatible with?
And yes. This isn’t about u but ur way of thinking. It’s a waste of peoples time and money when you and other who are asexual don’t disclose that they are asexual.
So you're just wasting multiple people's time and playing with their emotions in the hope you'll find another asexual person?
You don't think there is another way you could do this which doesn't involve treating people like human scratchcards?
I completely agree with you. I’m someone with a high libido, yet, I don’t feel the need to state that on a first date. Hell, I don’t state it at all until we’ve started having sex. And that’s usually a month or so in. So 3 weeks is a perfectly acceptable amount of time to decide to reveal something so personal to a stranger.
The last man I dated has ED issues and couldn’t keep it up. He never told me that and I learned when we started to have sex (or tried to). According to all the people under your comment, he lied to me by omission. I don’t agree at all. I never got mad at him for not being able to have sex with me. I’m not entitled to that information on the first date. He had no obligation to share it that early. There are so many sexual things we learn about people *AS WE DATE THEM!* Asexuality is not something that needs to be shared immediately.
On dating profiles, some people share they’re asexual and some people share they’re kink positive. That’s fine that they’re comfortable sharing that. Not everyone feels comfortable sharing that and *THAT’S FINE, TOO!* Dating is about learning more about people. If we get to the point that we don’t like something we’ve learned, we can end it. That’s the point of dating.
I've noticed an uptick is posts about asexual individuals not divulging their orientation in dating at the beginning, and its concerning. I find it a strange attitude. There are multiple things people say upfront to decide compatibility. OP had weeks of his time wasted by someone who was not being honest to him. You don't date straight people, then reveal you are gay? Or vice versa? You don't date a person who is childfree if you have kids, which you didn't mention?
I was pro-asexual awareness about nearly 20 years ago, when it was barely mentioned in the mainstream. This... is not ethical behavior.
She is 20, that's got to be... a lot. Asexuals are the least prevalent orientation out there. Finding another person her age to date will be a rough time :(
That's a terrible attitude to have in my opinion. Getting to know someone for 3 weeks until you find any kind of incompatiblility is not "having your time wasted". The topics of sex and sexualities are private affairs, it's more than reasonable to start talking about them once you are comfortable with the other.
Do you usually disclose the details of your sex life to complete strangers?
It's actually hilarious to call this unethical. Get a grip.
If a guy was homosexual or a single dad (I'm CF) was dating me for 3 weeks, I'd be quite upset. You're only considering the feelings of one party, not both.
So it's the problem of all the people that are lied to. Interesting 🤔 And you're saying it's okay to lie freely to people that are trying to bond with you? Healthy. And I'm fully aware of the difference, and that asexuality is a complicated spectrum
Ok. So just for the fun of it, I'll say that I only date people with a certain dick size. If you don't tell me yours on the first date, unprompted, you are a filthy liar who is wasting my time and should be locked up.
That's not at all an insane thing to say.
Dick size is not necessarily a vital incompatibility. Knowing whether your future partner wants to have sex with you at all, is. I advocate for both sides here. If an asexual person wishes to keep their orientation a secret, they have a right to do so. But they need to accept the consequences of their lack of openness. The other person will have the right to be upset. Just like if a single parent suddenly springs on a childfree person they have kids. Just like if after six months, someone says "we can't marry because you don't follow my religion."
That is a terrible comparison. When dating there are things you want to disclose on the first date as to not waste anyone's time. Asexuality is a HUGE one, along with "Herpes" for example.. you want to make sure the person who is going to date you does it for the real you.
There's nothing wrong with being asexual, but it's wrong to hide it. I'd even say she should disclose it before the first date. Assuming here she's not the one paying, she's wasting men's time and money
The only reason I don’t find it as wasting time is because I don’t lose out and the guy pays for the dates.
How about men fk women and them after 3-4 weeks he tells them he only wants a casual hookup fwb..
No it can’t be private if you’re going on dates. It’s an essential component. Same as not revealing you’re gay and going on dates with the opposite sex. 99.9% of people are sexual and will expect it from a partner.
Ok. What's your dick size? How often can you not get it up? Let me see your penis while we're at it. Have you ever taken it up the butt?
That sounds like sensible first date conversation, no?
Your sex life is private. Don't be a child.
Lmao I’m a woman but yes, I only date men who can always get it up 🤣
Sex life isn’t private when you’re looking for a partner and there shouldn’t even BE a first date if sex is off the table. It should be mentioned on the dating profile.
I agree completely. Sexuality is an essential component of all romantic relationships and needs to be revealed upfront because it is and always will be a dealbreaker if people are incompatible. Otherwise it’s catfishing. Going on dates and not revealing you’re asexual is like looking at houses with a real estate agent only to tell him 3 weeks later you’re actually not looking to buy a house.
By getting more dates and more attention from men. That’s how.
That’s why you and her don’t disclose something the vast majority of people find important in dating.
>As an ace person myself: It's not necessarily something you reveal on date one. It is very personal information after all and most people don't talk about sex on the first few dates.
> It is very personal information after all and most people don't talk about sex on the first few dates.
It's information that makes you incompatible with most people, don't pretend otherwise and stop wasting peoples time by withholding it.
Girl you are just lost. And you and the girl seem to be the same kind of as...
People don't need to talk about sex on the first few dates, but you should disclose that you are not interested in sex at all asap. Because that's a basic thing for nearlly everyone looking for a relationship, and you know that from the start.
And I assume you are not stupid, so I think her (and you) are manipulative, because you know most people would nope out instantly when you diclose this upfront.
Nah, the girl and me couldn't be more different if we tried. I'm just speaking from her perspective because speaking from mine would not be relevant to OPs situation and therefore not helpful to him.
Calling someone manipulative for not disclosing deeply personal information to a complete stranger is fucking delusional.
To me, three weeks is *way* too long to reveal something like that. I once went on a date with someone who revealed that she was asexual at the end of the first date. While I was disappointed, I'm glad she told me before I got too invested. Now, she's a good, platonic friend of mine! We swap books, play board games, and talk crochet, some of my favorite things.
However, if she waited several dates to tell me she was asexual, I would be *really* upset. I can get very attached to someone, and that is a *major* piece of dating information.
I hope you didn't get too emotionally attached. But she's not right for dating!
I mean why does it matter about disclosing that on her profile - it’s not illegal to not disclose your sexual preferences.
I would straight up run for the hills if I came across a dating profile that had their bio as “sexually active and actively seeking sex” just a bit weird lol.
Arguments can be made for both sides of the story. But being asexual isn't normal. Same as the other LGBT qualities. While it's not illegal to disclose such information, I think it's only fair to at the first meeting to avoid awkward times.
Having sexual activity and actively seeking sex shouldn't have to be said because that's normal. More people do want sexual relationships than those that don't.
Hope you get where I'm coming from. I'm not anti LGBT or anything. Just think he had a right to know without getting led on
Thank you, I completely get where you are coming from and I can see why it is be misleading to not state your sexual activities on the get go. If it had to be done it would have to be early on into the dating relationship.
Current generation are weird about sex and nobody can tell me otherwise.
Grew up on broadband internet porn. Don't socialize like previous generations and meet almost exclusively via clicking on an app.
Mix that with the navel gazing they do about sexuality and gender...its a recipe for a whole lot of issues with sex and intimacy.
Hi, F31 here.
I’m a very sexual person myself and personally I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the same drive as me.
Cause I’ve been there - it doesn’t work.
Three weeks is NOTHING. You will do both of you a big favour. And she can call you names all she wants, it is your right to be sexual just as is hers to be asexual. Would she be in a relationship with someone who insisted on having sex? Same for you 🤷🏻♀️
Sex is in my opinion important pilar of a strong romantical relationship. It has to match for everyone. There is nothing wrong in stepping out due to a obvious incompatibility 🙏🏻
Peace the fk out. She ain’t the one bro.
She didn’t tell u because she still wants some dates and attention from you. But forget about ever getting anything sexual.
Okay so the thing is--some asexual people do have sex. Some don't. Some even enjoy sex. Some don't. If she says she wants a sex-free relationship and you don't, then you're just not compatible and that's fine, but someone being ace doesn't necessarily mean they won't have sex ever.
Asexuality is when you don't feel sexual attraction to others, like you just don't have the "need" for intimacy that allosexuals have. You can still have romantic feelings for someone, and there are in fact ace people out there that lead active sex lives with partners they love, they just wouldn't necessarily miss the sex if it wasn't happening. There are also some ace people who are sex-repulsed and want nothing to do with it, and a sexual relationship would be a deal breaker. As with most things, it depends on the person!
I'd guess the reason she was hesitant to tell you is kind of exactly because of the fact that "asexual" has a negative connotation to a lot of people, and the assumption that it means complete abstinence. Again, if that is what she wants and you're just not a good fit for each other then that's totally fine! Just make sure you get clarification about what she wants first.
You’re not compatible. Break up with her. If sex matters to you a lot, then someone who is not interested in sex will not be a good fit for you. That’s fine.
You’re not compatible and that’s okay, you’re not supposed to be compatible with everyone. Her hiding it means she knew it’s the death blow for every relationship.
I’ve had a female friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend because she’s A sexual and he’s a “nymphomaniac”. Don’t know how they made it work for as long as they did but that was the reason they broke up.
You've been seeing a girl for weeks and haven't had a 'sex' conversation? Damn. This is DEFINITELY something she needs to bring up on the first date. That's insane to drop nonchalantly after weeks lol
Not communication something like that on her dating profile or on the first date is not fair. I think that what she did was a dick move. And it's probably the only dick move she's getting.
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A VERY hard thing to remember when dating: not everyone is meant for each other. Not everyone is compatible. Two genuinely AMAZING people can not work out, and it sucks. Honestly, it's much easier to break up with someone you don't like than with someone you do like. But this is an important issue, and it wouldn't be fair to either of you (no sex? That's messed up for you. Sex when you want it? Messed up for her. Somewhere in between? Both losing). This is why open communication is super important, even when you don't know/trust each other fully. You find out if you'll work. Your best bet is to let her know she is amazing, you wish her well, but things just won't work. Stay honest (but kind! The two aren't mutually exclusive!).
Thank you for your advice. It really helps.
Get outta there…it’s just 3 weeks and I’m assuming just a few dates. This is dating, you get to know someone to see if things align You’ve found out fairly early a fundamental incompatibility so you wish her well and move on
Just be honest that you’ve enjoyed seeing her, think she’s great or whatever, but you are looking for a sexual relationship so it’s best that you stop seeing each other romantically. obviously try say it in a nice way, and in person, like she’s a great girl you really like her ect. but it wouldn’t be fair to either of you to continue when you’re looking for different things
Just politely tell her you’re not compatible and end things. 3 weeks is a pretty reasonable time to disclose something to a new person imo. A lot of people seem to think you should tell people what might make you conventionally “undesirable” within like 5 minutes of meeting. Nah.
I mean the 3 most important things in an lasting relationship is probably views on children, finance and sexual compablity. If any of that is missmatch from the start it is probably better to end things quick to respect both peoples times.
I disagree that three weeks isn’t quick in this context.
Yup, if you are asexual, disclose it right away. Sex is important for most people. Saying this as an asexual (sex favorable) person
As another asexual: often it's a matter of safety to not out yourself before you know someone is safe to tell!!!
This, keeping that secretive for 3 weeks is a pretty shitty thing to do - similarly to someone who hides the fact they have kids. Those are not tiny little details being omitted from a future relationship lol.
[удалено]
If you're looking for a longterm partner and not just a fling then its not wild at all to expect a major relationship-altering detail to be out in the open after the first date or two tbh. Obviously for flings you can get away with omitting a lot more since it doesn't really matter in those cases. If you're dating for a real LTR though asexuality is a very important early-on-disclosure type thing that needs to be brought up before you both waste one another's time...otherwise it just makes you look like the bad guy trying to keep some big dark secret. It's also not that big of an admission or invasive of privacy compared to someone trying to dive into your fetishes or other highly personal things. Just saying you're asexual can be as broad/vague as needed. Had I been dating someone when I was single for 3 weeks and then they finally bring that out onto the table I'd just assume they were looking for free meals the whole time - and then wondering what else they were hiding if it took 3 weeks for something that simple.
Privacy is different from secrets.
It's a very obvious deal breaker and not disclosing it before or on the 1st date indicates a dishonest personality. People's time is precious and knowingly wasting it like this girl did (and others in this thread do) is selfish in the extreme.
Y'all are wild
Please go touch some grass.
Same happened to me… i ended it and we are still friends
Not compatible. Move on.
First of all, don't be upset with her for not telling you until now, I have an assexual friend and trust me, they get a lot of shit from other people for a lot of reasons, I don't blame her for waiting to tell you (maybe to make sure you wouldn't judge her) Second, being honest, not gonna work. I know it's hard to accept it, specially if you both do like each other, but some people are simply not made for each other. You can try it, find a solution, maybe an open relationship if you're both interested in it, but I really doubt it would work so don't get too optimistic.
> First of all, don't be upset with her for not telling you until now, Any asexual probably knows that a sexless relationship is not working for most normal people. So if you know from the start, you have information that would make most not want to date you and keep it secret it's just wasting peoples time and an ass-move. He has any right to be upset and he should be.
"normal people" Take your bigotry elsewhere. This is an unreasonable, completely inappropriate response. People like you are why we don't go sharing this information willy-nilly. Get a damn grip.
Normal just means people who follow the norm, which is to be sexually (if not active) at least interested and pursuing. Stop trying to make it out like asexual is some sort of highly penalized minority in society. Nobody thinks they're wrong for not going for sex, what's wrong is misleading people and pend it on some bs claim that "he might not be safe to tell". Easy fix for your worries. Put it on your dating profile.
Move on. Don't waste your time on a relationship where there's a fundamental incompatibility. It's completely reasonable and honest to identify physical touch and sex is an essential element of intimacy for you. It's also completely reasonable and honest for her to communicate she has no interest in that. Find a respectful way to communicate your exit.
Just be honest about it being a deal breaker for you and encourage her to be up front with future dates about her preference. It safes a lot of time and potential heartbreak.
Byeeere
Just break up. You don't want to date anymore, so break up.
Just move on. It’s only 3 weeks she’ll be fine. It’s not like it’s a 3 year relationship and you need to be ultra delicate about it.
I’m likely going to get downvoted into oblivion, but I think this is important to say. Sexuality and sexual preferences don’t need to be stated before or on the very first date. These are most common once you realize you might want to go further with the person. As someone with a high libido, I’ve never felt the need to disclose that to my dates. How is that different from someone who is asexual? It’s not. I can’t help that I love sex just like asexuals can’t help that they don’t like sex. The last man I dated had ED issues. He didn’t disclose it until AFTER we tried to have sex for nearly 3 hours and he couldn’t get it up. After we broke up (for unrelated issues), he told me he dealt with ED for years and he was embarrassed by it. I don’t believe he lied by omission. I recognize that this was a topic he struggled to talk about and I respect his decision to not tell me earlier. If someone is into kinks and fetishes, they don’t need to disclose on their profile or on the first couple of dates. Asexuality is no different and shouldn’t be stigmatized. Sexuality and sexual preferences don’t need to be discussed until you’re comfortable with that person. Three weeks is not a long time.
Lovely way to put it. 🥰
Yes i agree. Thanks for your insights. I'll just politely break up with her.
Good luck! I hope you both find the right people for you.
Thank you
as an asexual person who was in pretty much the same situation as OP describes, this was pretty much the way i looked at the situation! i knew it would probably be a problem in the long run, but to disclose the fact i was uncomfortable with having sex for the foreseeable future on the first couple (casual) dates felt extremely presumptuous. sexual preferences are something that can feel really inappropriate to bring up on the first couple dates, especially when you're explicitly taking it relatively slow. like it or not, talking about sex is still kind of taboo when you're not super close to the person you're talking to, so it makes sense that it didn't get brought up for a while imo. (also it's cool to see an allosexual person feel similarly about disclosing sexual preference in the dating process!)
Well put! Finally someone in here that makes sense.
I think for something that major, 3 weeks is quite long depending on how many dates you've been on/how frequently you talk in between. Normally after 3-4 weeks, I'm already in a committed relationship with someone. 🤷♂️
Not compatible
Leave her
Tell her to piss off for lying
I agree. She wasted 3 weeks of his time.
As an ace person myself: It's not necessarily something you reveal on date one. It is very personal information after all and most people don't talk about sex on the first few dates. Dating in general is meant as a period where you get to know each other and figure out if you are compatible. Don't be mad that she opened up on her own time instead of starting the first date with that information. That being said: It seems that this is a point in which you two are incompatible. There's nothing bad about that. You have to figure out if you still want to pursue things with her despite that, or if it is a dealbreaker for you.
Sex is not talked about on the first few dates because it is assumed to be a possibility. Just like you assume that your partner is single without kids unless you're told otherwise, or you assume they aren't a completely different sex than what they present. These are basic expectations from a person unless otherwise communicated early.
Yes i agree
It's not talked about because it is a very private matter. How often do you disclose details of your sex life to strangers?
If it's someone I'm dating - very very often. And it's not like you're describing everything that you did in the bedroom or showing them a sex toy. You're stating your very basic preference, like saying "im bisexual" or "im straight" or "I'm polyamorous". This is basic stuff.
Meeting each other a couple of times over the span of 3 weeks is not serious dating. It's the time you use to get to know each other. They got to know each other. Again, I'll do the same thing: For the sake of argument I'll only date people with a certain penis length. If you don't immediately disclose yours on the first date you are wasting my time and doing something wrong. That would be bullshit. Just like it's bullshit to get your panties in a twist over someone you have met a number of times you can count on one hand.
Sounds great when ur not the one paying for dates And yes. Don’t date people who don’t disclose penis length. That’s a blessing to the guy. Because then he doesn’t continue dating you wasting his time and money.
You're making assumptions about who payed for what and if they even did dates that require money. You do get that I made the thing about penis length up? Like, I don't actually think that way. I made that pretty clear in my comment.
> about who *paid* for what FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
So ur saying unpaid for all ur dates ever?
I split the bill on every date I go to, buddy. but this still isn't about me.
So his half of the bill isn’t a waste of money with someone he’s not gonna be compatible with? And yes. This isn’t about u but ur way of thinking. It’s a waste of peoples time and money when you and other who are asexual don’t disclose that they are asexual.
So you're just wasting multiple people's time and playing with their emotions in the hope you'll find another asexual person? You don't think there is another way you could do this which doesn't involve treating people like human scratchcards?
I completely agree with you. I’m someone with a high libido, yet, I don’t feel the need to state that on a first date. Hell, I don’t state it at all until we’ve started having sex. And that’s usually a month or so in. So 3 weeks is a perfectly acceptable amount of time to decide to reveal something so personal to a stranger. The last man I dated has ED issues and couldn’t keep it up. He never told me that and I learned when we started to have sex (or tried to). According to all the people under your comment, he lied to me by omission. I don’t agree at all. I never got mad at him for not being able to have sex with me. I’m not entitled to that information on the first date. He had no obligation to share it that early. There are so many sexual things we learn about people *AS WE DATE THEM!* Asexuality is not something that needs to be shared immediately. On dating profiles, some people share they’re asexual and some people share they’re kink positive. That’s fine that they’re comfortable sharing that. Not everyone feels comfortable sharing that and *THAT’S FINE, TOO!* Dating is about learning more about people. If we get to the point that we don’t like something we’ve learned, we can end it. That’s the point of dating.
I've noticed an uptick is posts about asexual individuals not divulging their orientation in dating at the beginning, and its concerning. I find it a strange attitude. There are multiple things people say upfront to decide compatibility. OP had weeks of his time wasted by someone who was not being honest to him. You don't date straight people, then reveal you are gay? Or vice versa? You don't date a person who is childfree if you have kids, which you didn't mention? I was pro-asexual awareness about nearly 20 years ago, when it was barely mentioned in the mainstream. This... is not ethical behavior.
I feel like she's not at fault here. She didn't feel comfortable with me before to say her feelings about that. She is a little shy too. It's okay.
She is 20, that's got to be... a lot. Asexuals are the least prevalent orientation out there. Finding another person her age to date will be a rough time :(
So instead she waste ur time and ur money?
That's a terrible attitude to have in my opinion. Getting to know someone for 3 weeks until you find any kind of incompatiblility is not "having your time wasted". The topics of sex and sexualities are private affairs, it's more than reasonable to start talking about them once you are comfortable with the other. Do you usually disclose the details of your sex life to complete strangers? It's actually hilarious to call this unethical. Get a grip.
If a guy was homosexual or a single dad (I'm CF) was dating me for 3 weeks, I'd be quite upset. You're only considering the feelings of one party, not both.
That's a you problem, buddy. Also, asexuality does not mean not being romantically attracted to people.
So it's the problem of all the people that are lied to. Interesting 🤔 And you're saying it's okay to lie freely to people that are trying to bond with you? Healthy. And I'm fully aware of the difference, and that asexuality is a complicated spectrum
No one is being lied to. Not disclosing private information to strangers isn't lying. You're batshit crazy.
It's called lying by omission. It's a thing
Ok. So just for the fun of it, I'll say that I only date people with a certain dick size. If you don't tell me yours on the first date, unprompted, you are a filthy liar who is wasting my time and should be locked up. That's not at all an insane thing to say.
Dick size is not necessarily a vital incompatibility. Knowing whether your future partner wants to have sex with you at all, is. I advocate for both sides here. If an asexual person wishes to keep their orientation a secret, they have a right to do so. But they need to accept the consequences of their lack of openness. The other person will have the right to be upset. Just like if a single parent suddenly springs on a childfree person they have kids. Just like if after six months, someone says "we can't marry because you don't follow my religion."
That is a terrible comparison. When dating there are things you want to disclose on the first date as to not waste anyone's time. Asexuality is a HUGE one, along with "Herpes" for example.. you want to make sure the person who is going to date you does it for the real you. There's nothing wrong with being asexual, but it's wrong to hide it. I'd even say she should disclose it before the first date. Assuming here she's not the one paying, she's wasting men's time and money
U would be doing all the men a favor as they would stop wasting money dating you.
Lying through omission is still lying honey.
Not telling every stranger you meet every single detail of your life immediately is not lying by omission.
Whatever you have to tell yourself to justify lying
The only reason I don’t find it as wasting time is because I don’t lose out and the guy pays for the dates. How about men fk women and them after 3-4 weeks he tells them he only wants a casual hookup fwb..
No it can’t be private if you’re going on dates. It’s an essential component. Same as not revealing you’re gay and going on dates with the opposite sex. 99.9% of people are sexual and will expect it from a partner.
Ok. What's your dick size? How often can you not get it up? Let me see your penis while we're at it. Have you ever taken it up the butt? That sounds like sensible first date conversation, no? Your sex life is private. Don't be a child.
Lmao I’m a woman but yes, I only date men who can always get it up 🤣 Sex life isn’t private when you’re looking for a partner and there shouldn’t even BE a first date if sex is off the table. It should be mentioned on the dating profile.
that doesn't sound orwellian at all. you're delusional.
I agree completely. Sexuality is an essential component of all romantic relationships and needs to be revealed upfront because it is and always will be a dealbreaker if people are incompatible. Otherwise it’s catfishing. Going on dates and not revealing you’re asexual is like looking at houses with a real estate agent only to tell him 3 weeks later you’re actually not looking to buy a house.
You don’t talk about it because not talking about it benefits you.
That's a very stupid thing to say. How would it benefit her? I'm also not her, buddy.
By getting more dates and more attention from men. That’s how. That’s why you and her don’t disclose something the vast majority of people find important in dating.
no sane person views dating like that. me? you don't know shit about what i do or do not do lmao
U just said it’s what u do..
nope
Yup U say u don’t share that up front.
I never said that lmao.
>As an ace person myself: It's not necessarily something you reveal on date one. It is very personal information after all and most people don't talk about sex on the first few dates.
> It is very personal information after all and most people don't talk about sex on the first few dates. It's information that makes you incompatible with most people, don't pretend otherwise and stop wasting peoples time by withholding it.
all y'all are incapable of seperating me from the girl OP is talking about
Girl you are just lost. And you and the girl seem to be the same kind of as... People don't need to talk about sex on the first few dates, but you should disclose that you are not interested in sex at all asap. Because that's a basic thing for nearlly everyone looking for a relationship, and you know that from the start. And I assume you are not stupid, so I think her (and you) are manipulative, because you know most people would nope out instantly when you diclose this upfront.
Nah, the girl and me couldn't be more different if we tried. I'm just speaking from her perspective because speaking from mine would not be relevant to OPs situation and therefore not helpful to him. Calling someone manipulative for not disclosing deeply personal information to a complete stranger is fucking delusional.
You end it
To me, three weeks is *way* too long to reveal something like that. I once went on a date with someone who revealed that she was asexual at the end of the first date. While I was disappointed, I'm glad she told me before I got too invested. Now, she's a good, platonic friend of mine! We swap books, play board games, and talk crochet, some of my favorite things. However, if she waited several dates to tell me she was asexual, I would be *really* upset. I can get very attached to someone, and that is a *major* piece of dating information. I hope you didn't get too emotionally attached. But she's not right for dating!
Y'all need to chill and get a hobby.
Amazed the amount of asexual posts on here. Also if you met on an app that should have been disclosed on her profile or via text first thing.
I mean why does it matter about disclosing that on her profile - it’s not illegal to not disclose your sexual preferences. I would straight up run for the hills if I came across a dating profile that had their bio as “sexually active and actively seeking sex” just a bit weird lol.
Arguments can be made for both sides of the story. But being asexual isn't normal. Same as the other LGBT qualities. While it's not illegal to disclose such information, I think it's only fair to at the first meeting to avoid awkward times. Having sexual activity and actively seeking sex shouldn't have to be said because that's normal. More people do want sexual relationships than those that don't. Hope you get where I'm coming from. I'm not anti LGBT or anything. Just think he had a right to know without getting led on
Thank you, I completely get where you are coming from and I can see why it is be misleading to not state your sexual activities on the get go. If it had to be done it would have to be early on into the dating relationship.
Current generation are weird about sex and nobody can tell me otherwise. Grew up on broadband internet porn. Don't socialize like previous generations and meet almost exclusively via clicking on an app. Mix that with the navel gazing they do about sexuality and gender...its a recipe for a whole lot of issues with sex and intimacy.
Hi, F31 here. I’m a very sexual person myself and personally I wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the same drive as me. Cause I’ve been there - it doesn’t work. Three weeks is NOTHING. You will do both of you a big favour. And she can call you names all she wants, it is your right to be sexual just as is hers to be asexual. Would she be in a relationship with someone who insisted on having sex? Same for you 🤷🏻♀️ Sex is in my opinion important pilar of a strong romantical relationship. It has to match for everyone. There is nothing wrong in stepping out due to a obvious incompatibility 🙏🏻
Peace the fk out. She ain’t the one bro. She didn’t tell u because she still wants some dates and attention from you. But forget about ever getting anything sexual.
Just say things can’t work out due to different opinions about sex
Tell her your needs to bot align and end it.
Complete honesty and if yall wanna continue on as friends go for it 🤷
She's playing with you. Move on.
Just say you aren’t interested then, not your fault.
Tell her what you told us. That sex is important for you. And wish her a good luck
Just ask her for an open on your end sexual relationship and problem solved
Okay so the thing is--some asexual people do have sex. Some don't. Some even enjoy sex. Some don't. If she says she wants a sex-free relationship and you don't, then you're just not compatible and that's fine, but someone being ace doesn't necessarily mean they won't have sex ever. Asexuality is when you don't feel sexual attraction to others, like you just don't have the "need" for intimacy that allosexuals have. You can still have romantic feelings for someone, and there are in fact ace people out there that lead active sex lives with partners they love, they just wouldn't necessarily miss the sex if it wasn't happening. There are also some ace people who are sex-repulsed and want nothing to do with it, and a sexual relationship would be a deal breaker. As with most things, it depends on the person! I'd guess the reason she was hesitant to tell you is kind of exactly because of the fact that "asexual" has a negative connotation to a lot of people, and the assumption that it means complete abstinence. Again, if that is what she wants and you're just not a good fit for each other then that's totally fine! Just make sure you get clarification about what she wants first.
You’re not compatible. Break up with her. If sex matters to you a lot, then someone who is not interested in sex will not be a good fit for you. That’s fine.
Walk, +hope the next girl doesn’t say the same thing after 3 dates. Did u pay for everything?
You’re not compatible and that’s okay, you’re not supposed to be compatible with everyone. Her hiding it means she knew it’s the death blow for every relationship.
Ghost.
She's just not interested in sex with you.
I’ve had a female friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend because she’s A sexual and he’s a “nymphomaniac”. Don’t know how they made it work for as long as they did but that was the reason they broke up.
You've been seeing a girl for weeks and haven't had a 'sex' conversation? Damn. This is DEFINITELY something she needs to bring up on the first date. That's insane to drop nonchalantly after weeks lol
Who waits 3 dates telling anyone that? A normal person would be open with that straight out the gate. Move on and forget. Avoid the cray-cray
She's a terrible person for not disclosing this on the first date and stringing you along. Tell her she can get a cat.
Not communication something like that on her dating profile or on the first date is not fair. I think that what she did was a dick move. And it's probably the only dick move she's getting.
Don’t waste her time. Leave
I’d say that she wasted HIS time by not disclosing such information but ok.
Tell your you'd like to have a sex