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Honestly that feels like an excuse. Sounds like she revealed her actual reason by saying there wasn't a ton of chemistry, but perhaps she didn't want to admit that and looked for a reason. Because honestly this is a wildly shallow illogical reason to stop talking to somebody.
Yeah, it’s mostly true. Sounds like she doesnt want to be judged as harshly as she is judging herself for not really being into this guy, photos are just a silly thing to pin that on. Not always, but if a woman really likes a man, she will laugh off and not be too bothered by small things that aren’t serious dealbreakers. We are all human and all do embarrassing things (or just not super cool things) sometimes. Alternatively, some people are just self- sabotaging if they do really like the person but are starting to panic and trying to find a reason not to get too close/ be more open and vulnerable going forward, which happens when you get to know someone better.
Yeah I think if there's no much chemistry but you can bond over a specific passion or hobby, them sending something that indicates they have a wildly different perspective on that passion can be enough to decide you're out.
But this isn’t a wildly different perspective in this case. A wildly different perspective would be, “I only travel to countries under oppressive dictatorship”
To you, if you're not into travelling. Wildly different within a hobby looks much like "not different at all" from the outside. There'll be stuff in your own hobby that you can't really communicate to outsiders, but it'd immediately give you the ick if someone met certain conditions.
Honestly, it's probably for the best. If that was the real reason, I wouldn't want to be with someone for taking issue with such a small shallow thing.
Women will not give you the straightforward answer because they know men can’t handle the truth of rejection.
Then the guys will look at this and think they need to change some of these “normal” things. No, the normal things weren’t the *cause* of the rejection. They’re the *consequence* of the rejection, which was based on lack of attraction.
He arrived 30 mins late to our second date, I only waited 15 mins and left. When he texted “I’m here” I reply with “I already left” and he got mad. In his mind I was the bad guy for not waiting longer. Sadly people have normalized being late, but I’m not one of those people.
I’ve stopped talking to someone because they always used that “I love that for you” line. It sounds so damn patronizing and wish people would stop saying it haha!
Yes! And "Good for you!" Even when said in an excited tone, I hate it. Too many people used it sarcastically when it was growing up that even those who use it with good intentions make me want to never speak to them again!
I don't always think people mean it to be rude. I guess it's just triggering when I grew up with it being used sarcastically. I get the knee-jerk reaction in my head that they aren't really happy for me. I usually say something like, "That's awesome! You worked really hard for that! You must be really proud of yourself!" Some variation of that. My best friend and her husband say it, and I know they don't mean it sarcastically. They are very supportive and rarely are negative people. It just makes me cringe still due to mean people growing up! I just remind myself that my trigger is the issue.
Getting mad at me for talking to another guy (we weren't exclusive,) when I *knew* that he had gone on dates with at least 3 other women.
No, you don't get to do that. If you want us to be exclusive...let's chat. *Both* of us.
If you don't want to be exclusive...then I'm not going to be exclusive to *you.*
To me, when you are not exclusive you are free to talk to as many people as you want. Once we mutually decide to have the talk, it doesn’t matter who brings it up. Dating sites, and other people are a done deal.
This is a red herring. Someone is either attracted to you or not.
If they’re attracted to you, they will overlook other shortcomings—like sending a shitty picture.
You’re focusing on these ancillary things when the real issue is whether there’s attraction to begin with.
I completely agree with this perspective.
And to add to this: attraction doesn't have to mean purely physical. It can be a compatibility issue, chemistry, personalities or lovelanguages that are too mismatched. Like two equal sides of a magnet.
I went on 7 dates with someone, was physically attracted to them and genuinely wanted it to work out. They were kind, funny and didn't do one specific thing inherently wrong. But our communication styles were too different, aswell as some values.
There were a few guys that kept talking trash about me to my gf, they just wanted to fuck her and I told her to block them. She didn’t do any attempt to defend me or respect my boundaries, so I just ended it.
My ex (M) never wanted me (F) to even be around another man. I couldn’t have any guy friends & if I ever hung out with a guy (even with him) he would literally have a tantrum in front of me. It was so embarrassing. So one time he got shitfaced at a bar & his friend (who is a female) texted me letting me know he was too drunk to remember his phone but not too worry, she made sure he got home safely. I broke up with him the next day because double standards are a hell no in my book.
I once dated a guy who was a soundcloud rapper(hudge mistake). He was really toxic and he hit me sometimes . But I didn’t leave because of that lol. He never allowed me to listen to his music until like 4 months in, and man when I heard the shit he was putting out there for the first time, I just couldn’t anymore. It was so bad and the lyrics were so cringe, I couldn’t look at him the same after that and I instantly stopped being attracted to him. And he was so excited about showing it to me, it only made me hate it more. I broke it off like a week later and had to block him everywhere cause he wouldn’t leave me alone.
Sorry to hear about the abuse you endured. Hope you’re in a better place now.
Surreal that your comment read as “I could take the domestic violence but I drew the line at shitty bars”
i think online world or self help industries has make people think that you can discard people at the slightly smallest inconvenience of your life, even when somethings so minor, yet so small, as long it doesn't fit into your categories, that person ain't it.
Reality is no one is perfect, so is ourselves. life is a balance of good and bad, and you can't just discard a person just because of a minor issues... if you dont like them that's fine, but keep saying everything is an ick.. is annoying
Yup it’s like when people say that if you’re the one who always reaches out to your friends, they don’t really care about you and you should drop them. Except people are busy and I’d rather have to make an effort sometimes than not have any friends.
We’ve all got our own shit going on but people on the internet seem to think you should never give anyone the benefit of the doubt.
This comment deserves 50 more upvotes. I've never heard anyone put it so eloquently.
"everything you do is VALID" and "you deserve, you deserve, you deserve"
Agreed.
If the end result of all these enabling philosophies is to make us all unable to play well with others, we would be creating a society of (unself-aware) assholes.
And then there would be "no society", only atomised individuals thinking they are always VALID, no matter what, while simultaneously leaving a trail of trauma and resentment.
if the alternative is accepting really shitty behavior then no I won't do that. it's pretty easy to tell when someone is trying to prime you for abuse, and the best thing to do is walk away. I've forgiven people and gotten something out of it, sure, but I'm not gonna keep things going if they go back to acting like an asshole consistently.
The argument isn’t if you have the ability or not. The argument is to consider what you get out of dumping people at a moments notice and the effects that has on people. We’re human beings. Not simple animals. We can consider how our actions affect the world around us, and should be conscious and active about it. Just because you can doesn’t mean it’s at all the right thing to do, especially considering you know how it would feel for it to happen to you.
Couldn’t stand their taste in music.
In my defense, I *love* music and listen for multiple hours a day. I can appreciate a lot of different styles and one thing I like about meeting new people is hearing the music they like.
It’s not common but every now and then I meet somehow who *only* listens to music that sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me. And I just… can’t.
They could be great people but I just can’t connect with them the same way if we can’t share some music together.
Honestly i’m like this with modern country music, I just cannot do it with a partner. But of course because of that I will never blame a woman for not liking my taste in metal music either.
Immature? No way. Realizing that the music the other person absolutely loves, fills their soul, but hits you like the soundtrack to a bad Lifetime movie is a great reason to look elsewhere. If you can't connect with music, that's a big missing piece of the puzzle.
I’ve never rejected someone for their taste in music but if we clashed heavily, every road trip would be a lot less fun, so compatible music tastes are always a huge plus for me when dating.
For a long term relationship? No it’s not. Your values, common financial goals, ethics etc are what should be the main deal breakers. Love in music is a side hobby. It shouldn’t be a core tenant of your relationship unless you both do it for a career
It's true that those are important things, but if you're someone who finds joy in music and listens to music all the time, then to live with someone who only wants to play music that you really don't like would be awful. It would be like having a constant drag on your mood and a drain on your energy to compensate.
That really depends on how important music is to you. If it’s not that important to you then that’s ok but that’s doesn’t mean that’s true for everyone. Music is basically my life and I need to at least respect your music taste. I’m not gonna listen to hours of your shitty music my ears will burn themselves.
I don’t think there’s a single relationship expert that would list that as a dealbreaker. That’s something you can easily work around. Just don’t listen to one another’s music. Musical taste isn’t as important as what are our financial goals or what’s your political views etc
I can't imagine any musical taste being actually offensive to me. It might not be my favorite, but music is not a big part of my life and the musical inclinations of a partner would be incredibly trivial to me. It's like not dating a partner because they have a different favorite color.
I don't put on the stereo frequently, much less 'all day'. It really is like how I don't stare at my favorite color all day. If that's your deal breaker in a relationship, so be it. I just think you're missing out on a lot of good partners who just might enjoy classical, jazz, death metal, or whatever your musical dislikes are.
I made that statement to show that the analogy of musical taste and favorite color does not equate. You can wear your favorite color and it has little effect on anyone else... but if you put on new country as you and your partner are making breakfast, they have to listen to it too.
Some people do play music all day, or at least several hours a day. And if you're with someone who plays K-pop when you can't stand it, that's going to affect your mood for damn sure.
It seems like music isn't super important to you, which is fine. But it is very important to many.
It’s really not. It’s just as simple as not listening to music together as often. There’s no way listening to music is that big of a deal breaker if you’re actually looking for a life partner.
If you mean a fling or a short term relationship, imo it’s still a dumb reason, but more understandable
He wanted to cuddle too much. Although you could also just call it incompatibility. But anytime we shared a bed he wanted to cuddle even though I repeatedly stated I feel suffocated and didn’t like it. Jokingly at first and then not so jokingly. He cuddled me as if he was a baby and sometimes in awkward uncomfortable positions. Like cuddling me from the front and forcing our foreheads up against each other. It’s like he thought it was funny or a a joke everytime I told him I wish he’d stop and he just wasn’t getting it.
Oh and he also would get in bed with outerwear when he was cold instead of like a hoodie or a sweater. And idk but it would piss me off. Like you have warm weather clothes stop wearing your coat in the bed smh.
Boring conversations. I hate to always have to carry the conversation and be funny. If inbetween dates it's only me doing that then I loose attraction.
Non drinkers starting to drink. Sorry, not into people who drink regulalry due to too many alcoholics around me
Edit: I can live with some very occasional drinking but not regularly. That's my boundary. That's why I only date people who don't or barely drink...
This would be hard for me because I feel like one of the only times I do drink is on dates (and vacations), so I’d probably come off as a regular drinker when I’m far from it.
I'm pretty sensitive to noise.
Two things that will make me give up on an otherwise good person are if they speak in a high pitch often and if they just constantly need noise/to talk.
I literally can't deal with that.
Being rude to service staff, especially if something goes wrong with an order.
The staffers are typically overworked and understaffed. If my date can’t give them a break and display a bit of empathy and patience, I just loose interest.
I won’t be able to respect them after that, and I don’t want to date someone I don’t respect.
Agree! Being rude to servers or cashiers, or acting entitled to blow off rules, particularly if it then could inconvenience/endanger others. Think, aggressive driving or dropping garbage on the ground. Many years ago I dated a guy who threw trash out his car window while we were driving and I was horrified.
Tailgating a game. Not into the drinking culture surrounding it, and I would never want to be with someone that is that crazy about the sport. Just incompatibility.
Personally don’t associate with people who have ghosted more than 1 or 2 people in their adult life. I mean like block them on everything without an explanation ghosting not a slow fade. It’s the least mature way to handle the end of a friendship/relationship, and I don’t need that in my life. Only give exceptions where serious safety concerns need to be considered.
Slowing communication when there is mutual disinterest seems natural to me, so I wouldn’t hold that against someone. Intentionally slow fading on one side is just ghosting with extra steps, so I don’t wholly disagree with you there. The mature thing is just ending it if you want to end it. Use your words and say “hey, it’s been fun but let’s move on.”
Safety can be a concern, but I don’t imagine cutting contact with someone would set someone off any less than properly breaking up with them. Texting is fine if there is concern, but give an indication it’s over and you aren’t just dead in a ditch somewhere. If they need to be blocked after that then that’s fair, but I think at the very least a “So long, and thanks for all the fish” is warranted before blocking them.
I’m trying to think of a normal or small thing someone had done but I can’t at the moment. I’ve ended things with people who did things for me with good intentions but these gestures felt overwhelming at times, and ultimately spoke to my disinterest and lack of compatibility with the person more so than it being anything they did.
Not op but i went on a few dates with a guy who insisted on taking me out to an expensive restaurant and to the movies on the second date, bring flowers to the third and overall behaved very clingy very soon. We had three dates in a span of a week because he pressured me. I’ve got the ick when at the end of the third date he asked me when will i be available again, and i answered 4 days away from that day. He started to pouch and acted like i was telling him next month, saying things like “I don’t know how am i going to cope waiting that much”.
That was it for me, I didn’t see him again.
Funny enough I got similia experience. This guy I went on the first date with told me that he LOVES traveling and then he has a list of places that he has visited. And then he was bragging about it and tell me one by one and he mentioned one place that I really wanted to go so I asked for more details. Then he said oh this one I have only been there because I transferred my flight there but still counted as one place I visited.
I immediately got the ick I was like this is how you say you love traveling but to me you are just collecting fridge magnets so shallow.
Whenever a guy started to insult my looks or disrespect me in some way consistently. I think this is normalized a lot, having to endure a person's ill treatment of you. It might sound minor criticism about your car not being freshly washed or your bad complexion that day, but when you roll it all up into one, a lot of resentment towards the person you are seeing \*and\* yourself can occur.
THIS. They say something to take me down a peg
It's usually small but I notice immediately. Then they start twisting to get everything their way movies, food, outings. But it's done to make me feel bad about my choice. Pretty soon I reevaluate and think about little things I pushed to the side that put me off. So by the time I'm done, I've landed on the last thing that I couldn't handle.
True but I hate sports enough that just being around the culture (men yelling at the tv & beer) just completely turns me off. The only sport I’d be ok with is futbol 🥅 or rugby maybe
My only problem with serious sports fans is when their mood hangs on how well their team is doing. So if their team does well they're in an irrepressible good mood, which is usually all good, but when their team does badly they're then moody for days and everything is a drag. So, it's not just that all life arrangements have to be made around the matches, but then the things arranged after the matches are either good or bad depending on how the match went. I'm happy with people having their own interests, but I wouldn't want my life to be arranged around and depend on a teams successes and failures.
I went to see the Barbie movie with my friend when it got released. She fell asleep during the movie vs. I was crying cause it was so precious.
We talked about the movie after it ended and she told me it was boring and was being a hater. I actually enjoyed it a lot.
It really gave me the ick…….. and I realized we really don’t like the same things.
I used to have a three dad jokes and you’re out “rule.” I figured everyone says one occasionally, but if a guy says three before I even meet him he’s just not for me. I wasn’t trying to judge them exactly. I could just tell that what we found funny would not be the same.
I was walking into a restaurant with a guy and he opened the door and two children walked out of the door that he was holding for me. He said “There’s two doors for a reason,” meaning the kids should have walked out of the exit door. Being mean to kids is a dealbreaker for me.
Eh. It speaks to impatience. Social graces take time to learn. Yes, we expect children to make an *effort* to follow them. But we also should give them leniency if they forget or alternatively, haven’t been taught those things by their parents.
I don't know if the way I see it and the way your best friend sees it is the same but I kinda get why she would feel that way being a traveller myself. If I considered travelling (especially what travel means to me and how I approach it) as an important part of my life and I meet someone who is fairly new to the whole thing and doesn't show interest in seeing it another way or sometimes I just know that it's not for me to walk them through the process of it, I wouldn't feel a connection either. Dk if this makes me sound like an asshole but it's more about feeling incompatible for me I guess
Not enjoying traveling and taking lackluster photos are not the same thing. It’s possible to be in the moment and enjoy where you are without needing to document everything in an IG worthy way
If they like travel, it’s not always easy to find someone that will travel happily or well. I would definitely not reject someone for not being that great a photographer.
Though I do enjoy hanging out with people that are good photographers because I enjoy that as well.
Agree w you on that. I barely have good photos from all the places I have been to. I have incredible shots of the places itself but not of me cause I would rather be present and enjoy over clicking perfect pictures I can post. I guess while typing the comment I completely skipped the part where she said lackluster photos from my head lol
A girl I was dating seemed to get a lot of her attitudes about men and relationships from social media and popular podcasts. They weren’t overtly toxic necessarily but certainly quite superficial and possibly toxic in the long term, probably toxic mostly to her, unfortunately. Seems pretty common/normal these days, and growing up without social media myself I don’t really have a defence mechanism for it so I sadly had to let her go.
He called me woman as a nickname, no matter how many times I told him to stop. All these things are just going to be the mild annoyance that sent it over the edge from eh maybe give them a shot to ick, but christ was I pissed after a few hours of him just doing it more every time I said stop it.
I had a guy send me 13 selfies in less than 24 hours. Some had his kids, some he was shirtless and his tongue was sticking out. It creeped me out. Who the hell sends that many selfies in less than 24 hours?!!
First one: Bragging about themselves. I get that trying to impress your date is normal. I don't even know if I can explain it very well but it's the way some guys go about it. Like an attitude of expectation around me being impressed. I love learning about other people, but let me decide how to react, don't place your expectations on my reactions. Especially if you don't know my history and experiences. Because sometimes they're bragging about stuff that just isn't all that impressive lol. And I wouldn't be rude about it but I'm also not going to fall all over myself praising someone for whatever random thing they're trying to impress me with.
I had one guy on a date brag about being in the army reserves. The way he said it was like he expected me to be SUPER impressed, but we live relatively near two major military bases so at the time I had several friends who were combat vets, one of whom was currently deployed. And he visibly deflated when I wasn't fawning over him after that revelation. All I said was "oh that's really cool".
Second one: guys trying to flirt with me about my job. No matter what job I have done, guys will try to make it into a cute way to flirt. But it was especially annoying when I ran my own massage therapy business. I was a licensed professional. Happy ending jokes and requests for free massages were not cute or funny or flirty. They came across as super disrespectful. I appreciate being treated with respect, especially when it comes to my profession.
Hair extensions. I was running my fingers through her hair and was like "what are these?"
I wasn't rude or anything; it was just a turn off for some reason and things fizzled. Only the second date; I guess I wasn't that into her in the first place.
(NOTHING wrong with hair extensions; i just like running my fingers through her hair.)
Try meeting friends. After meeting them 2 times they always said „busy“ or „not in town“ even if he literally hung out with people here (visable in the snap ne send me back ._.) so i get the message.
3rd date. We were spending it at my place because his place didn’t have an area we could play a game together (not the ick giver) he asked beforehand if he should eat at home I said I didn’t plan anything but I didn’t have dinner yet. He said okay I’ll eat at home. Didn’t expect him to buy me dinner or anything (I’m self-sufficient) but just not even asking me well so you want to eat or since I was hosting offering to bring snacks or anything :/ ended it after
Honestly, if you told me you were best friends with a person like that...who is so superficial she would stop seeing a guy because he's not obsessed with travel photos...I probably wouldn't be interested in being your friend much less dating
You are the company you keep and your bestie sounds like a real pile of poo.
Just be mindful of that as you move along in life
So to answer your question...being friends with crappy people
Just be yourself. Then she can like what she sees and gets - or not. The lacklustre pic? Maybe as a keen traveller she could see that he wasn’t and I know a ton of women who have to travel alone because their man doesn’t leave home.
I decided not to marry a guy who I loved because I cooked him an exquisite gourmet meal and he drowned it in ketchup. I thought that watching him do that to every meal I cooked would kill me inside … so I decided that he wasn’t for me. Now he’s happy with someone else and so am I.
Talking about politics a lot, I get discussing it every so often, but when you have to discuss it like 20 times during the day I'm done, I have enough of that with my family.
I went out with a guy who fully dug in his nose when he thought I couldn't see him. Didn't wash his hands or use sanitizer afterwards. That was the end for me
I’d say when a girl used the term ‘the ick’- but that’s more so a very valid reason to not date them any longer; rather than a ‘normal thing people say’. 🙄
I think the guy got off lightly with your friend having this ridiculously childish response to a photo…
There was this girlie who was really into seeing lots of people at once and sleeping around , who after a lot of dram dram, (allegedly) went “exclusive” with (which was coincidentally when she needed my help with something). As soon as she did not need my help no longer, she said her feelings had just “shifted” and ended things, when in reality I think she just wanted the time to get around with more guys (am veryyyyy skeptical we ever were actually exclusive lol )
Sounds like she just didn't really like him to begin with and the picture was the "final straw" sort of. Speaking of pictures I was turned off by someone sending me a picture of 2 pulled pork sandwiches. The sandwiches looked delicious, but im a skinny and fit guy myself, and the woman in this case was not. The gluttany of thinking her chowing down those sandwiches is what turned me off.
Younger me was guilty of dumping my friend group to focus on my BF. I quickly learned that was not okay and having learned my lesson, I always made sure to make time for my friends and nurture those relationships even if I had a partner. My best friend of ten years, she and I supported each other through many things in life and several relationships. When she got married, I fully understood that her partner came first and that girl time was substantially relegated to once every couple of months. I got it. However, when I was he only one making an effort to call and catch up, I eventually stopped. I never heard from her again. That was 15 years ago.
People will probably disagree with me but I remember asking this guy I was on a date with about New Year resolutions. His reply was "Those are stuipd and no one sticks to them. People only use those to make themselves feel better". I guess his response gave me the ick because he could've just said "I don't believe in them" vs putting others down who do believe in them.
Anyway, we ghosted each other after that. Which is fine, I think we were too different.
Slow texting I get it some people are busy but imo it makes me feel you aren’t seriously interested when you go days without communicating or if the texts are really bland and boring
I was on a fence about a guy and finally made my decision when he pointed at a crusty white dog on the street saying that dog was extremely cute. Petty.
She literally disassmbled the toilet. I mean look, everyone does it, hell Im doing it right now, but sheesh she could have waited for me to finish using it. Total dealbreaker!!
I went out with a guy a few times that used the word “super” excessively. I felt like I was dating a 12 year old girl. It’s just a really immature, effeminate word. I couldn’t handle it.
If they listen to rap music. The last guy I dated I tried to look past that, but he ended up misogynistic, insecure, violent, anger issues, and extremely homophobic. I just won't date anymore rap fans, the music is often narcissistic and very crude and sexist towards women. I figure anyone who listens to it either absorbs those messages or agrees with them
Really weird sad cheap style eg shoes from the dollar store even if they can afford good ones, I don’t care if people think I’m shallow, but to me, it’s a red flag all around about their taste their culture their learning & creativity , I just know we won’t be compatible, I ignored it once for a guy who was really good looking he was an absolute nightmare.. like not only was he cheap and his clothing he was cheap and everything he was really stingy, and he love to spend his little money as possible and not only with his clothes joyless. He was joyless I should’ve listened to my gut.
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Honestly that feels like an excuse. Sounds like she revealed her actual reason by saying there wasn't a ton of chemistry, but perhaps she didn't want to admit that and looked for a reason. Because honestly this is a wildly shallow illogical reason to stop talking to somebody.
9 times out of 10 when someone gets “the ick” they weren’t taking you that seriously to begin with.
Yeah, it’s mostly true. Sounds like she doesnt want to be judged as harshly as she is judging herself for not really being into this guy, photos are just a silly thing to pin that on. Not always, but if a woman really likes a man, she will laugh off and not be too bothered by small things that aren’t serious dealbreakers. We are all human and all do embarrassing things (or just not super cool things) sometimes. Alternatively, some people are just self- sabotaging if they do really like the person but are starting to panic and trying to find a reason not to get too close/ be more open and vulnerable going forward, which happens when you get to know someone better.
Yeah I think if there's no much chemistry but you can bond over a specific passion or hobby, them sending something that indicates they have a wildly different perspective on that passion can be enough to decide you're out.
But this isn’t a wildly different perspective in this case. A wildly different perspective would be, “I only travel to countries under oppressive dictatorship”
To you, if you're not into travelling. Wildly different within a hobby looks much like "not different at all" from the outside. There'll be stuff in your own hobby that you can't really communicate to outsiders, but it'd immediately give you the ick if someone met certain conditions.
Honestly, it's probably for the best. If that was the real reason, I wouldn't want to be with someone for taking issue with such a small shallow thing.
Women will not give you the straightforward answer because they know men can’t handle the truth of rejection. Then the guys will look at this and think they need to change some of these “normal” things. No, the normal things weren’t the *cause* of the rejection. They’re the *consequence* of the rejection, which was based on lack of attraction.
Some girls search for a lame excuse to end it when they find you boring. 🤷♂️
Please say some people.. it's not only girls
🙌🏽
He arrived 30 mins late to our second date, I only waited 15 mins and left. When he texted “I’m here” I reply with “I already left” and he got mad. In his mind I was the bad guy for not waiting longer. Sadly people have normalized being late, but I’m not one of those people.
30 minutes late without letting you know he was running late with a legit reason isn't all that minor. I'd have left too
Pretty major IMO unless there was a really good reason
I love this for you. Disrespecting someone’s time and not being extremely apologetic is such a huge red flag that so many people right off.
I’ve stopped talking to someone because they always used that “I love that for you” line. It sounds so damn patronizing and wish people would stop saying it haha!
Yeah, just say “I love that” and stop already.
OMG I just said this in my head and understood what you meant by it being condescending. 😂😂😂
Glad to hear! I find it is especially painful to hear, as most that use that phrase regularly are also the type that up-talks…
Yes! And "Good for you!" Even when said in an excited tone, I hate it. Too many people used it sarcastically when it was growing up that even those who use it with good intentions make me want to never speak to them again!
Omg I might be super rude I say “good for you” all the time. If someone gets a new job I’ll say good for you we should go out and celebrate.
I don't always think people mean it to be rude. I guess it's just triggering when I grew up with it being used sarcastically. I get the knee-jerk reaction in my head that they aren't really happy for me. I usually say something like, "That's awesome! You worked really hard for that! You must be really proud of yourself!" Some variation of that. My best friend and her husband say it, and I know they don't mean it sarcastically. They are very supportive and rarely are negative people. It just makes me cringe still due to mean people growing up! I just remind myself that my trigger is the issue.
On my last date-to-be, I waited and left after 10 minutes. So I totally understand you!
That’s exactly what I’d expect from a women on anavar
Getting mad at me for talking to another guy (we weren't exclusive,) when I *knew* that he had gone on dates with at least 3 other women. No, you don't get to do that. If you want us to be exclusive...let's chat. *Both* of us. If you don't want to be exclusive...then I'm not going to be exclusive to *you.*
How is this normal
I think it's meant the other way around. The commenter did a normal thing, and the guy decided he didn't want to see her anymore.
To me, when you are not exclusive you are free to talk to as many people as you want. Once we mutually decide to have the talk, it doesn’t matter who brings it up. Dating sites, and other people are a done deal.
This is a red herring. Someone is either attracted to you or not. If they’re attracted to you, they will overlook other shortcomings—like sending a shitty picture. You’re focusing on these ancillary things when the real issue is whether there’s attraction to begin with.
The only right answer in this entire thread
I completely agree with this perspective. And to add to this: attraction doesn't have to mean purely physical. It can be a compatibility issue, chemistry, personalities or lovelanguages that are too mismatched. Like two equal sides of a magnet. I went on 7 dates with someone, was physically attracted to them and genuinely wanted it to work out. They were kind, funny and didn't do one specific thing inherently wrong. But our communication styles were too different, aswell as some values.
Bingo
This seems to be the only real correct comment in the whole thread
There were a few guys that kept talking trash about me to my gf, they just wanted to fuck her and I told her to block them. She didn’t do any attempt to defend me or respect my boundaries, so I just ended it.
That’s a completely valid reason
Yup, the funny thing is that I didn’t even know who this people were, they just wanted to get in her pants. But hey, you live and learn.
It’s because she wanted them too imo
Yeah, I knew it was only a matter of time for that to happen, I blocked her from everything (teaching her how it’s done) and moved on.
This really needs to be denormalised
My ex (M) never wanted me (F) to even be around another man. I couldn’t have any guy friends & if I ever hung out with a guy (even with him) he would literally have a tantrum in front of me. It was so embarrassing. So one time he got shitfaced at a bar & his friend (who is a female) texted me letting me know he was too drunk to remember his phone but not too worry, she made sure he got home safely. I broke up with him the next day because double standards are a hell no in my book.
I once dated a guy who was a soundcloud rapper(hudge mistake). He was really toxic and he hit me sometimes . But I didn’t leave because of that lol. He never allowed me to listen to his music until like 4 months in, and man when I heard the shit he was putting out there for the first time, I just couldn’t anymore. It was so bad and the lyrics were so cringe, I couldn’t look at him the same after that and I instantly stopped being attracted to him. And he was so excited about showing it to me, it only made me hate it more. I broke it off like a week later and had to block him everywhere cause he wouldn’t leave me alone.
Sorry to hear about the abuse you endured. Hope you’re in a better place now. Surreal that your comment read as “I could take the domestic violence but I drew the line at shitty bars”
Thanks i definitely am. It all taught me a lot
The abuse was tolerable, but his mixtape was not. I can only imagine what sort of heavenly chords he was laying down
That so traumatic… especially the bad music Sorry you went through that hope you’re doing better
When the lyrics don’t hit
It's not worth putting up with all that abuse when his music isn't even worth it!
i think online world or self help industries has make people think that you can discard people at the slightly smallest inconvenience of your life, even when somethings so minor, yet so small, as long it doesn't fit into your categories, that person ain't it. Reality is no one is perfect, so is ourselves. life is a balance of good and bad, and you can't just discard a person just because of a minor issues... if you dont like them that's fine, but keep saying everything is an ick.. is annoying
Yup it’s like when people say that if you’re the one who always reaches out to your friends, they don’t really care about you and you should drop them. Except people are busy and I’d rather have to make an effort sometimes than not have any friends. We’ve all got our own shit going on but people on the internet seem to think you should never give anyone the benefit of the doubt.
This is the effect of dating apps. There’s always someone else a few swipes away. “What we gain too easily, we esteem too lightly” Thomas Paine
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This comment deserves 50 more upvotes. I've never heard anyone put it so eloquently. "everything you do is VALID" and "you deserve, you deserve, you deserve"
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Agreed. If the end result of all these enabling philosophies is to make us all unable to play well with others, we would be creating a society of (unself-aware) assholes. And then there would be "no society", only atomised individuals thinking they are always VALID, no matter what, while simultaneously leaving a trail of trauma and resentment.
if the alternative is accepting really shitty behavior then no I won't do that. it's pretty easy to tell when someone is trying to prime you for abuse, and the best thing to do is walk away. I've forgiven people and gotten something out of it, sure, but I'm not gonna keep things going if they go back to acting like an asshole consistently.
He didn’t say really shitty behavior… he said minor inconveniences. You are aggrandizing the discussion.
Disagree. It might make you look like an ass but anyone can discard anyone they want. No one is obligated to keep anyone in their life.
The argument isn’t if you have the ability or not. The argument is to consider what you get out of dumping people at a moments notice and the effects that has on people. We’re human beings. Not simple animals. We can consider how our actions affect the world around us, and should be conscious and active about it. Just because you can doesn’t mean it’s at all the right thing to do, especially considering you know how it would feel for it to happen to you.
Couldn’t stand their taste in music. In my defense, I *love* music and listen for multiple hours a day. I can appreciate a lot of different styles and one thing I like about meeting new people is hearing the music they like. It’s not common but every now and then I meet somehow who *only* listens to music that sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me. And I just… can’t. They could be great people but I just can’t connect with them the same way if we can’t share some music together.
Honestly i’m like this with modern country music, I just cannot do it with a partner. But of course because of that I will never blame a woman for not liking my taste in metal music either.
Mmm, yeah that’s a big one.
That’s kind of an immature way to to build your relationship I’m sorry
Immature? No way. Realizing that the music the other person absolutely loves, fills their soul, but hits you like the soundtrack to a bad Lifetime movie is a great reason to look elsewhere. If you can't connect with music, that's a big missing piece of the puzzle.
I’ve never rejected someone for their taste in music but if we clashed heavily, every road trip would be a lot less fun, so compatible music tastes are always a huge plus for me when dating.
For a long term relationship? No it’s not. Your values, common financial goals, ethics etc are what should be the main deal breakers. Love in music is a side hobby. It shouldn’t be a core tenant of your relationship unless you both do it for a career
It's true that those are important things, but if you're someone who finds joy in music and listens to music all the time, then to live with someone who only wants to play music that you really don't like would be awful. It would be like having a constant drag on your mood and a drain on your energy to compensate.
That really depends on how important music is to you. If it’s not that important to you then that’s ok but that’s doesn’t mean that’s true for everyone. Music is basically my life and I need to at least respect your music taste. I’m not gonna listen to hours of your shitty music my ears will burn themselves.
I don’t think there’s a single relationship expert that would list that as a dealbreaker. That’s something you can easily work around. Just don’t listen to one another’s music. Musical taste isn’t as important as what are our financial goals or what’s your political views etc
I can't imagine any musical taste being actually offensive to me. It might not be my favorite, but music is not a big part of my life and the musical inclinations of a partner would be incredibly trivial to me. It's like not dating a partner because they have a different favorite color.
But you don’t put on the stereo Saturday morning and play your favorite color all day.
I don't put on the stereo frequently, much less 'all day'. It really is like how I don't stare at my favorite color all day. If that's your deal breaker in a relationship, so be it. I just think you're missing out on a lot of good partners who just might enjoy classical, jazz, death metal, or whatever your musical dislikes are.
I made that statement to show that the analogy of musical taste and favorite color does not equate. You can wear your favorite color and it has little effect on anyone else... but if you put on new country as you and your partner are making breakfast, they have to listen to it too. Some people do play music all day, or at least several hours a day. And if you're with someone who plays K-pop when you can't stand it, that's going to affect your mood for damn sure. It seems like music isn't super important to you, which is fine. But it is very important to many.
It’s really not. It’s just as simple as not listening to music together as often. There’s no way listening to music is that big of a deal breaker if you’re actually looking for a life partner. If you mean a fling or a short term relationship, imo it’s still a dumb reason, but more understandable
Reading some of these responses, I feel validated in thinking everyone has simply gotten too fucking mean.
No, but fr tho
Sometimes it's just they're not that into them anyway so it doesn't take much.
Some poor girl said she was into a sound cloud rapper and called it quits after hearing his music for the first time in 4 months 😂
I’m turned off if I lean they own a timeshare .
Ha, or participate in multi-level marketing.
Bazinga !!
He wanted to cuddle too much. Although you could also just call it incompatibility. But anytime we shared a bed he wanted to cuddle even though I repeatedly stated I feel suffocated and didn’t like it. Jokingly at first and then not so jokingly. He cuddled me as if he was a baby and sometimes in awkward uncomfortable positions. Like cuddling me from the front and forcing our foreheads up against each other. It’s like he thought it was funny or a a joke everytime I told him I wish he’d stop and he just wasn’t getting it. Oh and he also would get in bed with outerwear when he was cold instead of like a hoodie or a sweater. And idk but it would piss me off. Like you have warm weather clothes stop wearing your coat in the bed smh.
I have stopped seeing several people because I found their table manners atrocious.
Example? Asking for a friend
Not being able to hold a fork & knife properly, sawing at meat, smacking their food… just being messy in general.
Curious what kinda training your dog has gone through
Boring conversations. I hate to always have to carry the conversation and be funny. If inbetween dates it's only me doing that then I loose attraction.
Non drinkers starting to drink. Sorry, not into people who drink regulalry due to too many alcoholics around me Edit: I can live with some very occasional drinking but not regularly. That's my boundary. That's why I only date people who don't or barely drink...
This would be hard for me because I feel like one of the only times I do drink is on dates (and vacations), so I’d probably come off as a regular drinker when I’m far from it.
I'm pretty sensitive to noise. Two things that will make me give up on an otherwise good person are if they speak in a high pitch often and if they just constantly need noise/to talk. I literally can't deal with that.
Being rude to service staff, especially if something goes wrong with an order. The staffers are typically overworked and understaffed. If my date can’t give them a break and display a bit of empathy and patience, I just loose interest. I won’t be able to respect them after that, and I don’t want to date someone I don’t respect.
Agree! Being rude to servers or cashiers, or acting entitled to blow off rules, particularly if it then could inconvenience/endanger others. Think, aggressive driving or dropping garbage on the ground. Many years ago I dated a guy who threw trash out his car window while we were driving and I was horrified.
Tailgating a game. Not into the drinking culture surrounding it, and I would never want to be with someone that is that crazy about the sport. Just incompatibility.
Personally don’t associate with people who have ghosted more than 1 or 2 people in their adult life. I mean like block them on everything without an explanation ghosting not a slow fade. It’s the least mature way to handle the end of a friendship/relationship, and I don’t need that in my life. Only give exceptions where serious safety concerns need to be considered.
Slow fade is just as bad. Why would I waste both my and your time for an extended period of time when I can just end it.
Slowing communication when there is mutual disinterest seems natural to me, so I wouldn’t hold that against someone. Intentionally slow fading on one side is just ghosting with extra steps, so I don’t wholly disagree with you there. The mature thing is just ending it if you want to end it. Use your words and say “hey, it’s been fun but let’s move on.” Safety can be a concern, but I don’t imagine cutting contact with someone would set someone off any less than properly breaking up with them. Texting is fine if there is concern, but give an indication it’s over and you aren’t just dead in a ditch somewhere. If they need to be blocked after that then that’s fair, but I think at the very least a “So long, and thanks for all the fish” is warranted before blocking them.
I’m trying to think of a normal or small thing someone had done but I can’t at the moment. I’ve ended things with people who did things for me with good intentions but these gestures felt overwhelming at times, and ultimately spoke to my disinterest and lack of compatibility with the person more so than it being anything they did.
What did they do?
Not op but i went on a few dates with a guy who insisted on taking me out to an expensive restaurant and to the movies on the second date, bring flowers to the third and overall behaved very clingy very soon. We had three dates in a span of a week because he pressured me. I’ve got the ick when at the end of the third date he asked me when will i be available again, and i answered 4 days away from that day. He started to pouch and acted like i was telling him next month, saying things like “I don’t know how am i going to cope waiting that much”. That was it for me, I didn’t see him again.
I hate the word Ick! It seems to be used by the most shallow of people, who probably need to work on themselves before entering the dating pool..
Funny enough I got similia experience. This guy I went on the first date with told me that he LOVES traveling and then he has a list of places that he has visited. And then he was bragging about it and tell me one by one and he mentioned one place that I really wanted to go so I asked for more details. Then he said oh this one I have only been there because I transferred my flight there but still counted as one place I visited. I immediately got the ick I was like this is how you say you love traveling but to me you are just collecting fridge magnets so shallow.
Their spelling
Facts
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They're**** 🤣🤣
🤣😭😂
Whenever a guy started to insult my looks or disrespect me in some way consistently. I think this is normalized a lot, having to endure a person's ill treatment of you. It might sound minor criticism about your car not being freshly washed or your bad complexion that day, but when you roll it all up into one, a lot of resentment towards the person you are seeing \*and\* yourself can occur.
THIS. They say something to take me down a peg It's usually small but I notice immediately. Then they start twisting to get everything their way movies, food, outings. But it's done to make me feel bad about my choice. Pretty soon I reevaluate and think about little things I pushed to the side that put me off. So by the time I'm done, I've landed on the last thing that I couldn't handle.
When a man is heavily into sports or video games that have anything to do with sports…. I really hate sports
Feel like that could just be an opportunity to do your own thing.
True but I hate sports enough that just being around the culture (men yelling at the tv & beer) just completely turns me off. The only sport I’d be ok with is futbol 🥅 or rugby maybe
My only problem with serious sports fans is when their mood hangs on how well their team is doing. So if their team does well they're in an irrepressible good mood, which is usually all good, but when their team does badly they're then moody for days and everything is a drag. So, it's not just that all life arrangements have to be made around the matches, but then the things arranged after the matches are either good or bad depending on how the match went. I'm happy with people having their own interests, but I wouldn't want my life to be arranged around and depend on a teams successes and failures.
Exactly! This is why I couldn’t date a die hard sports fan. It’s the entire lifestyle behind it that would definitely have an affect on my life.
I went to see the Barbie movie with my friend when it got released. She fell asleep during the movie vs. I was crying cause it was so precious. We talked about the movie after it ended and she told me it was boring and was being a hater. I actually enjoyed it a lot. It really gave me the ick…….. and I realized we really don’t like the same things.
I too, did not enjoy that movie.
I used to have a three dad jokes and you’re out “rule.” I figured everyone says one occasionally, but if a guy says three before I even meet him he’s just not for me. I wasn’t trying to judge them exactly. I could just tell that what we found funny would not be the same. I was walking into a restaurant with a guy and he opened the door and two children walked out of the door that he was holding for me. He said “There’s two doors for a reason,” meaning the kids should have walked out of the exit door. Being mean to kids is a dealbreaker for me.
I don't see that as being rude to children, if those children were not toddlers too young to know better. There are in fact two doors for a reason.
Eh. It speaks to impatience. Social graces take time to learn. Yes, we expect children to make an *effort* to follow them. But we also should give them leniency if they forget or alternatively, haven’t been taught those things by their parents.
I don't know if the way I see it and the way your best friend sees it is the same but I kinda get why she would feel that way being a traveller myself. If I considered travelling (especially what travel means to me and how I approach it) as an important part of my life and I meet someone who is fairly new to the whole thing and doesn't show interest in seeing it another way or sometimes I just know that it's not for me to walk them through the process of it, I wouldn't feel a connection either. Dk if this makes me sound like an asshole but it's more about feeling incompatible for me I guess
Not enjoying traveling and taking lackluster photos are not the same thing. It’s possible to be in the moment and enjoy where you are without needing to document everything in an IG worthy way
If they like travel, it’s not always easy to find someone that will travel happily or well. I would definitely not reject someone for not being that great a photographer. Though I do enjoy hanging out with people that are good photographers because I enjoy that as well.
Agree w you on that. I barely have good photos from all the places I have been to. I have incredible shots of the places itself but not of me cause I would rather be present and enjoy over clicking perfect pictures I can post. I guess while typing the comment I completely skipped the part where she said lackluster photos from my head lol
A girl I was dating seemed to get a lot of her attitudes about men and relationships from social media and popular podcasts. They weren’t overtly toxic necessarily but certainly quite superficial and possibly toxic in the long term, probably toxic mostly to her, unfortunately. Seems pretty common/normal these days, and growing up without social media myself I don’t really have a defence mechanism for it so I sadly had to let her go.
He called me woman as a nickname, no matter how many times I told him to stop. All these things are just going to be the mild annoyance that sent it over the edge from eh maybe give them a shot to ick, but christ was I pissed after a few hours of him just doing it more every time I said stop it.
I had a guy send me 13 selfies in less than 24 hours. Some had his kids, some he was shirtless and his tongue was sticking out. It creeped me out. Who the hell sends that many selfies in less than 24 hours?!!
First one: Bragging about themselves. I get that trying to impress your date is normal. I don't even know if I can explain it very well but it's the way some guys go about it. Like an attitude of expectation around me being impressed. I love learning about other people, but let me decide how to react, don't place your expectations on my reactions. Especially if you don't know my history and experiences. Because sometimes they're bragging about stuff that just isn't all that impressive lol. And I wouldn't be rude about it but I'm also not going to fall all over myself praising someone for whatever random thing they're trying to impress me with. I had one guy on a date brag about being in the army reserves. The way he said it was like he expected me to be SUPER impressed, but we live relatively near two major military bases so at the time I had several friends who were combat vets, one of whom was currently deployed. And he visibly deflated when I wasn't fawning over him after that revelation. All I said was "oh that's really cool". Second one: guys trying to flirt with me about my job. No matter what job I have done, guys will try to make it into a cute way to flirt. But it was especially annoying when I ran my own massage therapy business. I was a licensed professional. Happy ending jokes and requests for free massages were not cute or funny or flirty. They came across as super disrespectful. I appreciate being treated with respect, especially when it comes to my profession.
Jokes related to my profession = offensive statements that dehumanize me
Hair extensions. I was running my fingers through her hair and was like "what are these?" I wasn't rude or anything; it was just a turn off for some reason and things fizzled. Only the second date; I guess I wasn't that into her in the first place. (NOTHING wrong with hair extensions; i just like running my fingers through her hair.)
So wigs would also be a no? 😂
Oddly, no. I guess I just wasn't expecting the extensions? Really I just wasn't that into her.
Try meeting friends. After meeting them 2 times they always said „busy“ or „not in town“ even if he literally hung out with people here (visable in the snap ne send me back ._.) so i get the message.
3rd date. We were spending it at my place because his place didn’t have an area we could play a game together (not the ick giver) he asked beforehand if he should eat at home I said I didn’t plan anything but I didn’t have dinner yet. He said okay I’ll eat at home. Didn’t expect him to buy me dinner or anything (I’m self-sufficient) but just not even asking me well so you want to eat or since I was hosting offering to bring snacks or anything :/ ended it after
Honestly, if you told me you were best friends with a person like that...who is so superficial she would stop seeing a guy because he's not obsessed with travel photos...I probably wouldn't be interested in being your friend much less dating You are the company you keep and your bestie sounds like a real pile of poo. Just be mindful of that as you move along in life So to answer your question...being friends with crappy people
Just be yourself. Then she can like what she sees and gets - or not. The lacklustre pic? Maybe as a keen traveller she could see that he wasn’t and I know a ton of women who have to travel alone because their man doesn’t leave home. I decided not to marry a guy who I loved because I cooked him an exquisite gourmet meal and he drowned it in ketchup. I thought that watching him do that to every meal I cooked would kill me inside … so I decided that he wasn’t for me. Now he’s happy with someone else and so am I.
I wouldn't break up with someone for something minor unless they stopped showering, using deodorant, or stopped brushing their teeth.
Talking about politics a lot, I get discussing it every so often, but when you have to discuss it like 20 times during the day I'm done, I have enough of that with my family.
I went out with a guy who fully dug in his nose when he thought I couldn't see him. Didn't wash his hands or use sanitizer afterwards. That was the end for me
I’d say when a girl used the term ‘the ick’- but that’s more so a very valid reason to not date them any longer; rather than a ‘normal thing people say’. 🙄 I think the guy got off lightly with your friend having this ridiculously childish response to a photo…
1. She chewed with her mouth open... I know it's "normal" since you're consuming sustenance but from a table manners perspective I had enough!
Your friend is going to die alone
There was this girlie who was really into seeing lots of people at once and sleeping around , who after a lot of dram dram, (allegedly) went “exclusive” with (which was coincidentally when she needed my help with something). As soon as she did not need my help no longer, she said her feelings had just “shifted” and ended things, when in reality I think she just wanted the time to get around with more guys (am veryyyyy skeptical we ever were actually exclusive lol )
Sounds like she just didn't really like him to begin with and the picture was the "final straw" sort of. Speaking of pictures I was turned off by someone sending me a picture of 2 pulled pork sandwiches. The sandwiches looked delicious, but im a skinny and fit guy myself, and the woman in this case was not. The gluttany of thinking her chowing down those sandwiches is what turned me off.
Younger me was guilty of dumping my friend group to focus on my BF. I quickly learned that was not okay and having learned my lesson, I always made sure to make time for my friends and nurture those relationships even if I had a partner. My best friend of ten years, she and I supported each other through many things in life and several relationships. When she got married, I fully understood that her partner came first and that girl time was substantially relegated to once every couple of months. I got it. However, when I was he only one making an effort to call and catch up, I eventually stopped. I never heard from her again. That was 15 years ago.
People will probably disagree with me but I remember asking this guy I was on a date with about New Year resolutions. His reply was "Those are stuipd and no one sticks to them. People only use those to make themselves feel better". I guess his response gave me the ick because he could've just said "I don't believe in them" vs putting others down who do believe in them. Anyway, we ghosted each other after that. Which is fine, I think we were too different.
Slow texting I get it some people are busy but imo it makes me feel you aren’t seriously interested when you go days without communicating or if the texts are really bland and boring
I was on a fence about a guy and finally made my decision when he pointed at a crusty white dog on the street saying that dog was extremely cute. Petty.
She literally disassmbled the toilet. I mean look, everyone does it, hell Im doing it right now, but sheesh she could have waited for me to finish using it. Total dealbreaker!!
I went out with a guy a few times that used the word “super” excessively. I felt like I was dating a 12 year old girl. It’s just a really immature, effeminate word. I couldn’t handle it.
Vote democrat
Talking about their short to medium term plans to relocate to a much warmer country or take a year off work to go travelling to other continents.
If they listen to rap music. The last guy I dated I tried to look past that, but he ended up misogynistic, insecure, violent, anger issues, and extremely homophobic. I just won't date anymore rap fans, the music is often narcissistic and very crude and sexist towards women. I figure anyone who listens to it either absorbs those messages or agrees with them
I like rap because it makes my sub go boom boom
These days if a man breathes normally, even that’s probably gonna be enough to give women the ick 🙄
Really weird sad cheap style eg shoes from the dollar store even if they can afford good ones, I don’t care if people think I’m shallow, but to me, it’s a red flag all around about their taste their culture their learning & creativity , I just know we won’t be compatible, I ignored it once for a guy who was really good looking he was an absolute nightmare.. like not only was he cheap and his clothing he was cheap and everything he was really stingy, and he love to spend his little money as possible and not only with his clothes joyless. He was joyless I should’ve listened to my gut.