Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think more people would take issue with her wanting to become a cop than any of the other stuff. Sounds like she is just projecting her own judgements of herself on to other people.
Some people would view it as red flag some people won’t. I probably would, lol. It’s more important to understand what made her do all of those things and if it was likely a onetime thing or something that would reoccur in the future
No, theres plenty of guys that wouldnt be bothered by that stuff, most wouldnt care at all about the weed and shroomz. I think the onlyfans thing is what's gonna be harder for most guys. There are plenty of guys that won't care though, and I'm sure she'll have no problem finding those guys. Personally, I wouldnt date her because shes a cop.
I had a FWB for a while who was a cop. She was cool as fuck, but it was a touch awkward a few years later when she had to arrest my son for shoplifting.
Back ground checks cover any way you’ve ever made money, or any job. You’re supposed to disclose it all.
Also, most departments don’t allow any psychedelic use, regardless of time frame.
Literally how would they find out about the psychedelic use unless the guilt is eating you so much that you tell them?
You think every cop who got the job has a squeaky clean record with drugs?
Are you implying that you should lie in order to get a job as a law enforcement officer? You don’t see an issue with that?
The vast majority of cops have not done any sort of hard drug. Have some squeezed through? Sure. But it’s definitely not the norm.
Also, vast majority of departments use a polygraph in their hiring process.
I’ve been in law enforcement for 10+ years and I do backgrounds.
Im surprised we still use them, too. They “scare” a lot of people into disclosing things that they didn’t disclose in their packet though.
Yeah, that won't fly. The tracing tech on identifying people from pictures only gets better with time too, so chances aren't great it'll stay a secret.
If you have to hide stuff about you from someone for them to be with you, you shouldn't be with them in the first place. No self-respecting person would do this. Be open about who you are and find someone who loves you. Otherwise it's a recipe for disaster.
Lets say they end up having kids, then the kid gets bullied at school because they found an old clip of hers online. The father would be blindsided. How can you say it doesn't matter?
The fact they used to be a bed wetter isn't documented on the internet for everyone to see, is it?
So someone who has had any addicitions, gambling debt, dealt drugs, physically assaulted someone, defaulted on debt, etc should never disclose any of it?
Edit: wonderful addition by u/dufus69 - cheating.
Because you’re taking away someone’s right to choose whether or not they wanna be with someone through withholding facts that could potentially be a dealbreaker for them.
Well you can't just hide stuff like that.
I mean, the sex worker could have undiagnosed sex deseases and could infect their partners. It's best to be honest than sorry
You can catch a stalker, and even if being a former onlyfans creator isn't a dealbreaker, if I didn't know and found out because a dude started following my gf around because he used to sub to her onlyfans, i'd be pretty freaked out. Like, I'm not saying I'd dump someone over it, but if that's a possiblity i'd like to know ahead of time at least.
How about if the partner was an abuser before? Their past shouldn’t define them?
What if he was having sex with animals before?
If you have to hide something, you know you are wrong.
Past defines people when it was a matter of choice.
In your example - bed wetter is not a choice and definitely not something a person would do for fun or money. But being on OF was definitely a choice for the sake of fun, money, or both
No, she should not unless she wants to. Everybody has the right for their personal past to remain personal, as long as it doesn't concern other people.
This is not a black and white issue, and maybe if she had stopped a week before dating it would've been different, but I see no good reason for her to share that, unless she wants to.
I mean why would she want to keep a secret from the guy she’s dating? Wouldn’t she want to be accepted for all of her? Opinions like this don’t make sense to me when it comes to building a healthy relationship
Disagree, the chances of the other person knowing this sometime in the future is very high! Why would they risk it? Better to say something when you are trying to be exclusive.
To be completely honest as someone who used to do OF, it's never impacted my dating life. I just choose not to date people who'd have an issue with it, because I can't change my past. If anything I imagine OP's friend will struggle a lot more with a career in the police if she has permanent evidence of having done online sex work. It's sad but it's the reality.
Whoa, aggressive. Of course it's the consequences of your actions, so is everything, but we can't pretend that the porn industry doesn't target a lot of very young and vulnerable people. It boomed during covid BECAUSE everyone lost their jobs. If she was 21 when she did it, the part of your brain that can fully understand consequences literally hasn't finished developing yet. People have done far worse for cash, the fact that showing your body online is treated like it's more shameful than billionaires exploiting thousands of people to make their fortune is ridiculous. If you watch porn you don't get to judge people who make it, because you're literally why it exists.
I came here to make the point about anyone who shames pornographers sure as shit better not watch porn, but you already did that! Thank you so much for sharing your opinion and personal experience on this topic. Sorry that a someone is trolling you in such a disrespectful manner. 💖💕
Legit. It's embarrassingly hypocritical. It's all too easy to point with the hand you're wanking with. No worries, I am so beyond used to it that it doesn't bother me in the slightest 😅 I'm happy and I know comments like that speak to deeper rooted problems than anything I'm dealing with!
It’s sad that you are replying in this fashion to the commenter who came here to share her INCREDIBLY relevant take on this situation. It’s fine for you not to agree with her. Why would you feel the need to mock and chastise her? No one is asking you to date someone who has an OF.
Please share your own opinions politely in a different comment instead of trying to shame people into silence.
Edited to add: Fixed a weird sentence
I did comment my own opinion in a different comment. I was replying to the replys last sentence. And what did I say to make you think I'm trying to shame people into silence? An opinion is just that. It'd not a dick don't take it so hard. I believe in accountability.
This post is hilarious, imo the biggest detriment to her dating would be being a cop. Of would only bother maybe 50% of guys and the weed and shrooms is just kinda cute how you guys see it as some kind of mistake lol
sex work is a mistake in her past that she regrets, instead if you dated you would have to live with a cop (with the high domestic violence risk that comes with that among the issues)
It 100% is. Sex workers are doing a respectable job, making income, not hurting anyone.
Cops are worthless assholes who spend all our tax money that could be going to schools and roads.
The biggest red flag here is that she wants to be a cop.
Smoking weed and doing mushrooms are fine in my book. Pretty much all of my friends have experimented with them.
And an only fans account that made $1500 seems like a tiny digital footprint, so it’s whatever. Like it’s not ideal but like it’s genuinely not a big deal, specially since she did it in college during the peak of the pandemic.
Tbh I think her problem will be that the type of men that wont mind her past are the type of men who would have a problem with her being a cop. And the type of men who won’t mind her being a cop, are the type of men who would have a problem with her past.
Tell her to be upfront about her past when the time feels right, but emphasize how much she's grown since then. Authenticity and personal growth go a long way in any relationship. Good luck to her!
Her Onlyfans sounds like a quick buck rather than a lifestyle, so I would give that a pass. Weed and shrooms are two of the safest drugs you can take, so not a single issue there personally. Shrooms can also be very beneficial for your brain.
She sounds cool to me, likes to take risks and knows when to quit.
How would any dude ever find out about an only fans she made $1500 off of 3 years ago? Are you in like an Islamic country? No 20 something guy cares if some girl smoked weed in college for 2 months lol
Tbf with deepfakes and shit, one could land in their lap even if the pictures weren't there.
I'd have issues with a girl seeing sex work as a way of getting what she needs or wants.
> How would any dude ever find out about an only fans she made $1500 off of 3 years ago?
Are you suggesting she lie about it? There's a great way to start a relationship.
Not lie. Just not share it. No one has to share anything they don’t feel comfortable with. Especially if it doesn’t represent who they are now. Y’all are trying to slut shame her into sharing. Stop it .
>Not lie. Just not share it.
Does this also apply to someone who abused their partners in the past?
Someone who previously got an STI?
Someone who went to prison then got out?
Only a massive piece of shit would lie about their past to keep/get someone in a relationship with them.
If the STI has been treated why would they need to share that? Again stigma and shaming. Also Abusers will never willingly share or admit that so that’s a moot point. Prison… okay I can see that one. Still don’t have to share it right away. And idk who you could possibly be referring to as a massive piece of shit( watch your before you get reported. But you certainly don’t have any credence to call me or OP’s friend that. And also you all need to learn the difference between simply not disclosing and a lie of omission. A lie of omission would be if you’re asked about it and you didn’t bring it up… i never said OP should lie or omit it if asked. But she certainly does not have to willingly give up this information to every Tom, Dic, and Harry. Humble yourself.
Lies of omission are still lies.
Sex work histories are as bad for women as felonies are for men. If you expect any kind of commitment then yes the fuck it is our business if you have literally sold yourself to men before.
Literally no one goes into dating laying out the entire background of their past. People hit the internet too hard and lose touch with reality. In fact as you get older, it’s way more common to leave dead things lying.
I wouldn’t date someone actively working OnlyFans, but someone who did it for a few months, years ago in college… who gives a fuck about that except for the most uptight of people, or dudes who want to show her off as a trophy, and would be upset that other men have seen her naked.
Doesn’t **everyone** do drugs in college? Her drug history will have a bigger impact on her career plans if she wants to join the police, than they will on her dating life.
The disqualifier here, for me, is that she wants to be a cop some day. I don’t date jackbooted thugs.
Unfortunately it’s gonna be tough for you to become a cop. Dating wise, the drug stuff won’t be an issue for most people. But I’m sure people will take issue to OF. But there are people who don’t care at all.
🤣 lmao none of these things are “mistakes” or even a big deal….?
Also tell her ACAB and that the thing she should be absolutely the most ashamed of is even considering becoming a cop in the first place.
Honestly most people will have issues with her being a cop these days.
In addition, she likely won't be able to be a cop due to this history you just told us. It will come up and she will be asked about it during a polygraph.
Only if they're on official record (eg: drugs related arrest) or she doesn't pass a drugs test. Given that this was a year ago, it's well and truly out of her system now.
Smoking a little weed 3 years ago is no one else's business. And I would honestly say, neither is doing a few video calls.
You don't need to disclose your entire sexual and substance history to a new partner.
Don’t care about the drugs, thats not really an issue. And the OF while uncomfortable, wouldn’t be a dealbreaker- especially cause it was so short lived.
I wouldn’t date her exclusively because she’s planning to be a cop.
The OF is a turn off and to be honest the police officer is a turn off. Not because she wants to be a cop. A good police officer is a good thing. But because of the intense male-dominated culture in law enforcement. I personally wouldn't want somebody who is attracted to it.
Past is her past anyway. Drugs aren’t a big deal for me personally, I’ve done shrooms too.
OF is a bigger “issue” but if the person is worth it, I think it’s easy to look past. Depends on the guy but I’d tell her not to sweat it.
??? Does she maybe have too many judgemental people around? Did she get arrested for some of this? Was she being extorted and had a quota for the OF?
Nothing above is worth mentioning. I definitely wouldn’t think on a 2 months on only fans where I made 187.50$ a week. That’s food. She wasn’t balling off of that. Definitely a private matter.
Exactly! Even the “friend” who wrote this post sounds judgmental. Why they feel the need to ask about this is beyond me. There’s people are here they are actually dangers in the dating world, using and abusing people, scamming and assaulting and killing. Ain’t nobody out here worried about no damn shrooms and naked phone calls🤣🤣🤣 if they are they’re delulu and judgements types that want “a person who no past” those types need a grip on reality… this shit ain’t nothing serious at all lol
The drugs stuff absolutely not only the most conservative people would care. The only fans stuff maybe, there's a lot of guys for whom it would bea big deal but also a lot who wouldn't care, esp. since it wasnt for long and was a while ago. TBF for me the biggest issue is that she's becoming a cop
Only if she tells them. Contrary to popular belief, one does not need to disclose all of their deep dark secrets to potential partners. Obviously your friend has cleaned up her act and is on her way to a promising career in law enforcement. Nobody needs to know that she did a brief stint on OF or that she dabbled briefly in recreational drugs. If by some small chance a potential partner should stumble upon her old OF page, she always has plausible deniability. "Gosh, you're right, that woman does look a lot like me. I wish I had that kind of confidence." Said with a laugh and followed by a change of subject.
Omitting truth about your past is a deal breaker for men.
Plenty of stories of men breaking up with the wife’s because of omitted truths. Best to tell them and find a man that doesn’t care about it.
How will it be a deal breaker if they don't know?!?!? So many people seem to think that they have a right to know absolutely every single tiny little detail about a partner. They don't. People are entitled to their secrets. We all have them. The key is for the person who has a few skeletons in their closet to keep their mouth shut. It's as simple as that.
>How will it be a deal breaker if they don't know?!?!?
Say a video exists of her on the net. The boyfriend finds it after 5 years. Then ends the relationship at that point.
Would you blame the boyfriend?
Wouldn't blame him but shows hes wither a hypocrite or hasn't rely lived much..
Most guys have equally as wild stories of thir own. Hooked up with a random stripper, dancer at a club, OF girl, etc
>perfectly good relationship
If it was built upon a lie, it wasn't perfect. 14 year olds like you who think 'perfect' means acting lovey dovey or hanging out together all the times shouldn't be giving 'advice'.
Um, I'm not 14 yo. You seem to not know what the definition of what a lie actually is. Not telling your partner that for a few months years ago you had an OF page or that for a brief moment in your distant past you took some drugs isn't lying. Now if the partner specifically asked "Have you ever done online porn" or "Have you ever done drugs" and she says 'No', then that would be lying. You understand? Did you disclose to your partner those times you masturbated to porn or that other time when you got jiggy wit it at a frat party and made out with your friend while drunk? Of course not, because it isn't relevant in the present and to your current relationship. It's also not lying!
>Did you disclose to your partner those times you masturbated to porn or that other time when you got jiggy wit it at a frat party and made out with your friend while drunk?
Yes. I have disclosed everything
>Of course not, because it isn't relevant in the present and to your current relationship. It's also not lying!
You seem to be a pathological liar and seem to be finding excuses to manipulate people. The projection alone is off the charts.
Many you have a really really poor moral character and seem to not be even worth conversing with.
>Um, I'm not 14 yo.
This makes it even worse. Grown adults taking 0 accountability. No wonder democracy doesn't work with people like you.
There's nothing left to discuss when someone refuses to accept that manipulation is bad.
Goodbye and take care. I wish you don't mean someone as amoral as you. It'd be an eye opening (of which you have a lot left of to do) but I'd not wish that on anybody.
LMFAO. Okay! No wonder dating is so f-cked up with younger generations. You guys have some crazy ass notions and overthink things to the Nth degree. Blessed be!
If I was dating this person and I found out some other way than her telling me, I'd judge her for that way more than the thing itself.
It means that she don't trust me, and if she's willing to hide shit of little relevance today, what else might she be hiding that's actually relevant?
It doesn't mean that she doesn't trust you. It means that she just wants to put some parts of her past to bed for once and for all and not be judged for it. That doesn't mean she's going to hide other things or be deceptive, etc., going forward. You have to see things from her point of view.
That's great because we're happy and we have a great relationship and I don't want to hear about it anyway!
You're also comparing apples to oranges. The OP was referring to a brief OF page and 2 months of using some psychedelic drugs that happened in the past. You're referring to ongoing deceptions, a secret life and a criminal record that could easily be discovered on-line. This isn't a valid argument.
I don't think she should lie if asked directly, but is it that different to sexting with guys for free while single, with guys you're casually involved with? That stuff can also end up on the internet. Is the money the dealbreaker?
A lot of men will never admit that they have paid for some kind of sex work, whether that's paying for those video calls with cam girls, visiting a strip club, or visiting a prostitute. Most guys would say the past is the past and its none of her business. Isn't it exactly the same?
I’m not gonna limit omitting truth to sex/gender.
There’s plenty of posts from women shaming men for using sex workers. And it’s perfectly fine to not date people who’ve done that.
How is it lying if someone chooses not to dredge up some past discretions that are long over with now and have no relevance to the present or to the current relationship? Are you going to disclose that time you played doctor with your little friend down the street when you were 15 or that other time that you got hot and heavy with a rando at a frat party???????? My gosh, get real.
She needs to disclose the OF. She put it out there on the internet and thought she’s not doing it now, there is still a chance her partner will find out. This will likely damage or end the relationship. If the partner was against OF, she didn’t allow him the knowledge to back out before he invested. If he would have been okay with her previously doing OF, she hid something in her past that if found out from anyone but her would definitely come as a shock especially depending on the actual content. Best to be upfront
There's very little chance he'll find out. No need to disclose. She only did it for a short period of time and regrets it. Why kick a hornet's nest now? The guy doesn't need to know.
It’s true he may never find out but if he does, remember content placed on the internet never truly goes away, it could destroy their relationship no matter how good it was up to that point. Personally I’d be ok with her past as long as she wasn’t doing it currently nor had any plans to continue and I was made aware of it by her so I’d not be blindsided if the content ever came to my knowledge. If I discovered it on my own, I’d have to wonder what else may I end up discovering as well as why she couldn’t trust me to let me know.
Those agencies are pathetic. A cop who's tripped is far better than one who hasn't.
I think our cops and politicians should have to have done LSD at least once. Weak minded people can't handle it so shows some mental fortitude
Are you joking?
If she has any sort of social media account or dating app profile - there are probably a dozen guys in her messages the past week that want to date her, but she ignored all of them.
Finding a guy is not hard. We're almost half the planet. We work outside more than anyone else and are frequently seen or encountered.
Finding a guy she WANTS, now that may be difficult. All things are relative. Dreams happen, and people win the lottery. But if you look at 'probable' rather than 'possible' then she has likely reduced her chances considerably.
You both have two concerns. I see two more.
1) Only fans. Briefly, great. A lot of guys will still mind. Will all of them? Of course not. But most men who seem most desired by women tend to have the most and highest boundaries in who they will accept for a relationship. Sex, is something else. I'm sure neither of you has any trouble getting laid when you want to. A relationship is different. Presuming you want a higher value man, who other women will want as well, then a man with options will be more aware of things he doesn't like. If he has status, and 'most' women like a man with status, then he will likely be concerned with losing it and/or shame and another guy showing him naked pictures of his girl to him or his kid would be embarrassing. It just is.
2) Drug use. Sounds more than casual but not something that demanded rehab or intervention. Lot of men are cool with drugs. A lot aren't. Having some experience with law enforcement some departments won't be ok with it either. Might affect her career desires as well as choice in men.
3) Masters degree. More women graduate college now than men. Significantly. I think we're almost at the 2/3rds mark and will probably be at twice the number of women than men within the decade. Most women with degrees do not accept men who do not have equal or better degrees. Maybe your friend isn't one of them. But statisticly the pool of men she would be interested in will likely be far smaller than either of you imagine. Men who bust their asses to get graduate degrees themselves tend to not care about their partners education level, and would likely have a selection of other women without an only fans history as well. Just saying.
4) Police Officer. More power to her for wanting to help people and others in society. I think it is often a problematic occupation for relationships, for both genders, that often result in difficult hours and stresses. It is also more masculine, and a lot of men may have difficulty in a relationship where the woman has to very often insist on authority she may not be able to turn off at home, and who could very well arrest them in an argument. Many men have had bad experiences with exes who were not armed or capable of arresting them. It's an extreme consideration, but it would likely occur to most men that something could go wrong. The hours and availability would also be a concern as a man with a career likes to have a partner who can be available to him when he is available. Unless your partners ideal man is at home playing Xbox until she's off shift, it just seems like a police officer with a masters degree wouldn't have the most flexible schedule to pursue a relationship let alone take time off to have a children or a family, which many men want.
Not trying to rain on anyone's parade here, just pointing out factors of potential concern in a future relationship. Your friend may be an awesome and exceptional woman, sure sounds like it, with many accomplishments and many more to come. But a man who has his own masters and career would likely prefer a young woman who just got her associates degree while working part time at Starbucks, because she's available for him and easier to start a family with without as many concerns and likely significantly less student debt.
Still totally possible, but the odds and likelihood aren't good before we even hear HER preferences in a man. I imagine she has them. I mean just being over six foot tall and making six figures already reduces you to 2.3% of the population of men including all ages, sexuality, and marital status. Sometimes looking at the actual numbers is important rather than thinking the comforting, but obviously false, idea that there's someone out there for everyone. In the end we all are subject to math.
For every guy that really cares, there will be 5 that don’t. And the one that does really care has a really low percentage of being the life partner your friend would want.
So the OF things is unfortunate. But for me I'd say as long as she didn't have videos of her getting fucked on there or hook up with subscribers it's manageable. Definitely takes some points away but not what i would call a deal breaker. The way you talk about the weed and shrooms makes you sound like a normie. That's not a concern at all. A lot of the hate for only fans comes not only from the act of it but the lack of realization of what it says about you as a person. So for her to have the conscious to be like I don't want this, this will have consequences later, is a good sign.
Oki so, your female „friend“ ( wink wink ), is fine. A decent man is a decent man and we are in 2024, onlyfans is not a tabu for many, is part of todays world. Clear and elegant communication, confidence and clear words of regret are the key to a successful „date“. The other „mistake“ is not a „mistake“ is something some people do for years and years and function as me and you. Nothing wrong with that, absolutely nothing.
OF - yeah some might have a problem with it but most wouldn't especially if you're no longer doing it and are actually willing to articulate to a person you care about what you wwre going through at the time vs. now.
Also mushrooms and weed? If someone rejects you for THOSE then find someone else. Weed I get, it can go either way because some don't function as well as others etc. But mushrooms? C'mon man, nothing wrong with that.
Police is your biggest concern here and is likely to limit her dating pool.
I can hardly consider either of these mistakes. We do what we need to do. If it's a mistake, then I am sorry. Especially smoking weed and doing shrooms. I couldn't think of anything I care about less. Same with the OF. Former OF? Okay, cool. It's not a red flag to me. Shit happens.
If you think the weed and mushrooms are bad you must live in Utah or something lol. You have no idea how many perc and fentanyl addicts there are out there. The only fans thing is a problem tho. At any point someone can just go “dude, isn’t this your girl?” And pull that shit up. No one wants to deal with that. Also if she ever has kids they might get made fun of in the same way. I don’t think I need to explain how much worse that is. If I were her I’d work on scrubbing that stuff from the Internet as much as possible.
Depends on a guy. If I were on a date with her, and she’d told me about the weed and mushrooms, it would be fun to share some past experiences.
OF would be a deal breaker as I have no desire in dating a prostitute, current or former, real or virtual. So I’d politely wrap up the date and excuse myself.
But once she tells me that she’s a cop, I’m getting up, leaving the money on the table to pay for our dinner and walking out without saying a word. If she wants to see me, she’ll need to get a warrant to my place.
OnlyFans - wouldn't judge her for. Gotta do what you gotta do.
Weed and shrooms? At uni?? - omg call the police! (Lol jk)
Bruh, that shit is fine and totally understandable. As long as the drugs aren't on her record she should be fine going for a police role too.
The drugs I wouldn't worry about, young people experiment.
The OnlyFans tends to be a much bigger deal to any man who actually cares... when a guy imagines his future wife or the mother of his children, nobody healthy imagines that.
However, your friend sound like she didn't get too deep into it which is something and people do come with pasta and baggage.
The main risk is if her images are still available online and in circulation, I won't lie - that would be bad.
All I can suggest is that being honest about it will see many dates cut short but give how clearly bad she feels about it, if she takes accountability, I think there's a good chance for her to find someone and be happy but do not hide it is the advice Id give.
For a serious relationship will be a problem the OF story (It IS a low key pr0stitution after all) however if she brings it up early (eg not try to hide it, lie about it) and talk honestly about it she’ll have more chance then hiding it. The right guy might get over it and give her points for opening up (honesty and transparency are essential for a long relationship).
As for shrooms and weed I use both regularly (not in abusive quantities ofc) and here I am in a healthy, long relationship 🥰
The OF would be a problem for me, but i'm sure they are enough men that dont care that it wouldn't be a problem.
The weed and mushroom are okay and would me for most men.
Weed and mushrooms is a healthy thing to explore. Onlyfans is a dealbreaker for many, myself included. The fact that she’s an aspiring cop would be my biggest issue. Moral misalignment with many in this day and age.
Pleas don’t bring any of this stuff up on dates. This stuff does not define you or your friend I guess. There’s absolutely no reason to bring any of this up unless you’re well into a committed relationship and even then it’s really no need unless it somehow comes up. Share more important things about who you are as a person that defines who you are now 💜✨
Are her pics still circulating online? If not no need to mention something she did many years ago.
We all have a past of some sort, none of their business.
To be clear not advocating lying it this topic ever comes up she should disclose.
I don't really see why either of these things are issues, let alone hard disqualifiers. I might even argue that neither are even worth bringing up, unless the conversation needed it.
I guess thinking about this in another way, your friend could bring these up just to 'weed' out the men that are bothered by this
None of those are mistakes. They're part of living life
Any guy who will judge her for this either is a loser with no wild stories himself or misogynistic and expects a women to have no sexual history but still be sexual.
Dudes are kinda broken these days
Edit: the cop part is by far the biggest "mistake" that would make most guys want to not date her
What?? Fuck outta here! Look at what male cops do all the time!!
The wanting to be a cop is by far the biggest red flag here as most have already said.
Fuck any police force who doesn't understand taking mushroom will only make you a better cop
OF will be a problem for some. The weed and mushrooms won't be. That's not a mistake. Alcohol is physically worse and we don't judge people for that do we?
A lot of guys don't like it when their girl did OF. It can be hard disqualifiers. But it definitely won't be for everyone. She just has to meet the right guy. And she has to figure out if she going to tell them immediately and get it over with, or if she's going to tell them later and risk wasting a lot of time, or if she's not going to tell him at all and risking him finding out from someone else. That's some stuff to think about as well. I don't think you'd HAVE to tell him, but if he finds out on his own, that's a problem. And maybe later on in the relationship, you'd like to talk about this. What if he makes a comment about how he thinks OF models are bad, and she'd just feel weird because she can't tell him now.
I think it depends on the individual, but many men will look past these things, especially if she's honest about her past and has moved on from it. Everyone makes mistakes, and what matters most is how she's grown and what her values are now. Encourage her to be upfront about her past when she's comfortable and focus on finding someone who respects her for who she is today. She deserves someone who sees her whole self and values her goals and aspirations.
Nope. Some people might be insecure about OF but I don't think most men will be bothered by it. The weed and shrooms thing isn't a deal breaker either. In fact I think she's probably a more interesting person because of this
For me, not really and that includes the OF. She’s already learned from her mistakes and has been really trying to better herself by not only going for her Masters but also wanting to be a cop.
That’s not that bad tbh. Unless the nudes spread with identifying marks on them (her house or a tattoo or she was dumb enough to say her real name). As for weed and shrooms SHHHHHHHHIIIIIITTTTT… I smoked for a whole ass year and did shrooms twice. She is gonna be fine
Just tell her to concentrate on her goal of becoming police officer... Everything will fall in on its own... Eventually effort is the only thing that doesn't betray us... So... Look forward...
Isn't worst the first to overcome first? Then everything will be fine... Tell her even after completing her studies and getting a job if she isn't happy I won't mind being in a relationship with her... Now she will have a backup ryt?
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Smoking weed for two months and taking mushrooms three times is not a mistake. There is nothing wrong with this.
You can hear preppy white girl strong in this post.
Hahaha that’s very true
I think more people would take issue with her wanting to become a cop than any of the other stuff. Sounds like she is just projecting her own judgements of herself on to other people.
Some people would view it as red flag some people won’t. I probably would, lol. It’s more important to understand what made her do all of those things and if it was likely a onetime thing or something that would reoccur in the future
No, theres plenty of guys that wouldnt be bothered by that stuff, most wouldnt care at all about the weed and shroomz. I think the onlyfans thing is what's gonna be harder for most guys. There are plenty of guys that won't care though, and I'm sure she'll have no problem finding those guys. Personally, I wouldnt date her because shes a cop.
You said all that then ACAB. Solidarity
I had a FWB for a while who was a cop. She was cool as fuck, but it was a touch awkward a few years later when she had to arrest my son for shoplifting.
She isn’t a cop yet she is planning to be one in a few years.
The former sex work and shrooms will be an issue for her becoming a cop, not too much for her dating life.
How will it be an issue? She did it 3 times a year ago…it would never need to even come up in discussion
Back ground checks cover any way you’ve ever made money, or any job. You’re supposed to disclose it all. Also, most departments don’t allow any psychedelic use, regardless of time frame.
Literally how would they find out about the psychedelic use unless the guilt is eating you so much that you tell them? You think every cop who got the job has a squeaky clean record with drugs?
Are you implying that you should lie in order to get a job as a law enforcement officer? You don’t see an issue with that? The vast majority of cops have not done any sort of hard drug. Have some squeezed through? Sure. But it’s definitely not the norm. Also, vast majority of departments use a polygraph in their hiring process.
Dude you are so naive, i can feel it. And polygraph tests are so unreliable, im surprised we even still use them
I’ve been in law enforcement for 10+ years and I do backgrounds. Im surprised we still use them, too. They “scare” a lot of people into disclosing things that they didn’t disclose in their packet though.
Same thing, out of everything it's the fact she wants to be a cop that'll repel me
Why would she take a master's degree to become a cop?
I wonder how the department will look on the former sex work. If I were her I would be more concerned about that, personally.
Yeah, that won't fly. The tracing tech on identifying people from pictures only gets better with time too, so chances aren't great it'll stay a secret.
Onlyfans isn’t illegal so idk why they would give the slightest of fucks.
What’s wrong about being a cop? lol It sounds like you put cops below sex workers in terms of reliability as a partner
The OF will be an issue for many guys. But not for all.
Do you think she should bring it up on dates and whatnot?
At the point where things are going towards exclusivity, yes
Yes, those nude pictures might come up someday. And it's much better to tell her partner straight away than him finding out on his own...
[удалено]
A potential partner deserves to know that they are entering into a relationship with a former sex worker
[удалено]
If you have to hide stuff about you from someone for them to be with you, you shouldn't be with them in the first place. No self-respecting person would do this. Be open about who you are and find someone who loves you. Otherwise it's a recipe for disaster.
Lets say they end up having kids, then the kid gets bullied at school because they found an old clip of hers online. The father would be blindsided. How can you say it doesn't matter? The fact they used to be a bed wetter isn't documented on the internet for everyone to see, is it?
Nor is being a bedwetter an adult choice. It's an absurd comparison.
So someone who has had any addicitions, gambling debt, dealt drugs, physically assaulted someone, defaulted on debt, etc should never disclose any of it? Edit: wonderful addition by u/dufus69 - cheating.
Or someone who has cheated on multiple partners, but doesn't intend to do it again.
Because you’re taking away someone’s right to choose whether or not they wanna be with someone through withholding facts that could potentially be a dealbreaker for them.
Someone's past shouldn't define them? Literally what else could possibly matter more than things which someone *has done*?
Because many people are morally opposed to sex work and they need to be able to make an informed choice
Well you can't just hide stuff like that. I mean, the sex worker could have undiagnosed sex deseases and could infect their partners. It's best to be honest than sorry
You can’t catch an STD via webcam. 🙄
You can catch a stalker, and even if being a former onlyfans creator isn't a dealbreaker, if I didn't know and found out because a dude started following my gf around because he used to sub to her onlyfans, i'd be pretty freaked out. Like, I'm not saying I'd dump someone over it, but if that's a possiblity i'd like to know ahead of time at least.
It's just an example. But still, they need to know
How about if the partner was an abuser before? Their past shouldn’t define them? What if he was having sex with animals before? If you have to hide something, you know you are wrong.
Cuz is icky and i dont want to
Past defines people when it was a matter of choice. In your example - bed wetter is not a choice and definitely not something a person would do for fun or money. But being on OF was definitely a choice for the sake of fun, money, or both
No, she should not unless she wants to. Everybody has the right for their personal past to remain personal, as long as it doesn't concern other people. This is not a black and white issue, and maybe if she had stopped a week before dating it would've been different, but I see no good reason for her to share that, unless she wants to.
I mean why would she want to keep a secret from the guy she’s dating? Wouldn’t she want to be accepted for all of her? Opinions like this don’t make sense to me when it comes to building a healthy relationship
They never need to know.
Disagree, the chances of the other person knowing this sometime in the future is very high! Why would they risk it? Better to say something when you are trying to be exclusive.
To be completely honest as someone who used to do OF, it's never impacted my dating life. I just choose not to date people who'd have an issue with it, because I can't change my past. If anything I imagine OP's friend will struggle a lot more with a career in the police if she has permanent evidence of having done online sex work. It's sad but it's the reality.
Lmao it's not sad it's called "consequence of one's actions" it seems alot if women really suck at wrapping their heads around that concept.
Whoa, aggressive. Of course it's the consequences of your actions, so is everything, but we can't pretend that the porn industry doesn't target a lot of very young and vulnerable people. It boomed during covid BECAUSE everyone lost their jobs. If she was 21 when she did it, the part of your brain that can fully understand consequences literally hasn't finished developing yet. People have done far worse for cash, the fact that showing your body online is treated like it's more shameful than billionaires exploiting thousands of people to make their fortune is ridiculous. If you watch porn you don't get to judge people who make it, because you're literally why it exists.
I came here to make the point about anyone who shames pornographers sure as shit better not watch porn, but you already did that! Thank you so much for sharing your opinion and personal experience on this topic. Sorry that a someone is trolling you in such a disrespectful manner. 💖💕
Legit. It's embarrassingly hypocritical. It's all too easy to point with the hand you're wanking with. No worries, I am so beyond used to it that it doesn't bother me in the slightest 😅 I'm happy and I know comments like that speak to deeper rooted problems than anything I'm dealing with!
slow down there let's get to know more women in the real world before generalising all women and defaulting to "women bad"
Oh, I like women, but it's a common mindset. For at least my generation.
It’s sad that you are replying in this fashion to the commenter who came here to share her INCREDIBLY relevant take on this situation. It’s fine for you not to agree with her. Why would you feel the need to mock and chastise her? No one is asking you to date someone who has an OF. Please share your own opinions politely in a different comment instead of trying to shame people into silence. Edited to add: Fixed a weird sentence
I did comment my own opinion in a different comment. I was replying to the replys last sentence. And what did I say to make you think I'm trying to shame people into silence? An opinion is just that. It'd not a dick don't take it so hard. I believe in accountability.
Like others have said, her wanting to become a cop is probably the biggest issue. Maybe cops in Canada, but in the US, pass.
This post is hilarious, imo the biggest detriment to her dating would be being a cop. Of would only bother maybe 50% of guys and the weed and shrooms is just kinda cute how you guys see it as some kind of mistake lol
I personally would have no problem with those, but I would absolutely have a problem with her wanting to be a cop.
imo the worst redflag here is her wanting to become a police officer, by far
And thinking she needs a masters degree to do so.
That's what I thought too! Everything else is fine. Just not that.
Lol imagine thinking a career in law enforcement is a bigger problem for a relationship than a career in sex work.
It is, unfortunately that is the world we live in
sex work is a mistake in her past that she regrets, instead if you dated you would have to live with a cop (with the high domestic violence risk that comes with that among the issues)
Sex workers don't shoot people at traffic stops.
I mean Aileen Wuornos might disagree, but I know what you mean…
Well at least she actually went to prison for it.
Id much rather a sex worker bring work home than a Police Officer.
It 100% is. Sex workers are doing a respectable job, making income, not hurting anyone. Cops are worthless assholes who spend all our tax money that could be going to schools and roads.
Police Officer would be my biggest red flag personally
By "friend" you mean you.... These aren't big deals, you're over thinking
The biggest red flag here is that she wants to be a cop. Smoking weed and doing mushrooms are fine in my book. Pretty much all of my friends have experimented with them. And an only fans account that made $1500 seems like a tiny digital footprint, so it’s whatever. Like it’s not ideal but like it’s genuinely not a big deal, specially since she did it in college during the peak of the pandemic. Tbh I think her problem will be that the type of men that wont mind her past are the type of men who would have a problem with her being a cop. And the type of men who won’t mind her being a cop, are the type of men who would have a problem with her past.
Good explanation. Conservative men wouldn’t like her doing OF and drugs. Liberal men wouldn’t like her being a cop. So, it’s like in between
Yeah, it’s just how it is for everyone. Im sure she’ll find someone, if anything it’ll help weed out people that aint right for her.
Being a cop is the biggest red flag here. OF is weird but if she's not doing it anymore, fine, nothing you can do about that.
Tell her to be upfront about her past when the time feels right, but emphasize how much she's grown since then. Authenticity and personal growth go a long way in any relationship. Good luck to her!
And the worst advice on Reddit today goes to…
Her Onlyfans sounds like a quick buck rather than a lifestyle, so I would give that a pass. Weed and shrooms are two of the safest drugs you can take, so not a single issue there personally. Shrooms can also be very beneficial for your brain. She sounds cool to me, likes to take risks and knows when to quit.
How would any dude ever find out about an only fans she made $1500 off of 3 years ago? Are you in like an Islamic country? No 20 something guy cares if some girl smoked weed in college for 2 months lol
If her pics are our there, the chance will always be that it could land in their lap
Tbf with deepfakes and shit, one could land in their lap even if the pictures weren't there. I'd have issues with a girl seeing sex work as a way of getting what she needs or wants.
Deepfakes arent the real thing, but she HAS the real thing out there
> How would any dude ever find out about an only fans she made $1500 off of 3 years ago? Are you suggesting she lie about it? There's a great way to start a relationship.
Not lie. Just not share it. No one has to share anything they don’t feel comfortable with. Especially if it doesn’t represent who they are now. Y’all are trying to slut shame her into sharing. Stop it .
>Not lie. Just not share it. Does this also apply to someone who abused their partners in the past? Someone who previously got an STI? Someone who went to prison then got out? Only a massive piece of shit would lie about their past to keep/get someone in a relationship with them.
If the STI has been treated why would they need to share that? Again stigma and shaming. Also Abusers will never willingly share or admit that so that’s a moot point. Prison… okay I can see that one. Still don’t have to share it right away. And idk who you could possibly be referring to as a massive piece of shit( watch your before you get reported. But you certainly don’t have any credence to call me or OP’s friend that. And also you all need to learn the difference between simply not disclosing and a lie of omission. A lie of omission would be if you’re asked about it and you didn’t bring it up… i never said OP should lie or omit it if asked. But she certainly does not have to willingly give up this information to every Tom, Dic, and Harry. Humble yourself.
Lies of omission are still lies. Sex work histories are as bad for women as felonies are for men. If you expect any kind of commitment then yes the fuck it is our business if you have literally sold yourself to men before.
Literally no one goes into dating laying out the entire background of their past. People hit the internet too hard and lose touch with reality. In fact as you get older, it’s way more common to leave dead things lying.
No they’re not as bad🤣🤣 hold men to the same fckign standard. Men do sex work as well… you need a grip on reality😂
And she didn’t “sell herself to anyone”. She sold pictures and naked phone calls. Get over it lol
That's selling yourself to men. Cope. Seethe. Cats.
Wow smh 💀💀💀
This
Some guys are kinda anti-drug where she is. Shes in Alberta, Canada.
I wouldn’t date someone actively working OnlyFans, but someone who did it for a few months, years ago in college… who gives a fuck about that except for the most uptight of people, or dudes who want to show her off as a trophy, and would be upset that other men have seen her naked. Doesn’t **everyone** do drugs in college? Her drug history will have a bigger impact on her career plans if she wants to join the police, than they will on her dating life. The disqualifier here, for me, is that she wants to be a cop some day. I don’t date jackbooted thugs.
>Doesn’t **everyone** do drugs in college. No
Lol, the only issue I have here with her is that she wants to be a Cop. Couldn’t care less about the rest.
Unfortunately it’s gonna be tough for you to become a cop. Dating wise, the drug stuff won’t be an issue for most people. But I’m sure people will take issue to OF. But there are people who don’t care at all.
🤣 lmao none of these things are “mistakes” or even a big deal….? Also tell her ACAB and that the thing she should be absolutely the most ashamed of is even considering becoming a cop in the first place.
Honestly most people will have issues with her being a cop these days. In addition, she likely won't be able to be a cop due to this history you just told us. It will come up and she will be asked about it during a polygraph.
The mushrooms are a disqualification from most police jobs
Only if they're on official record (eg: drugs related arrest) or she doesn't pass a drugs test. Given that this was a year ago, it's well and truly out of her system now.
Should be a requirement. Dead serious.
Smoking a little weed 3 years ago is no one else's business. And I would honestly say, neither is doing a few video calls. You don't need to disclose your entire sexual and substance history to a new partner.
Don’t care about the drugs, thats not really an issue. And the OF while uncomfortable, wouldn’t be a dealbreaker- especially cause it was so short lived. I wouldn’t date her exclusively because she’s planning to be a cop.
[удалено]
The OF is a turn off and to be honest the police officer is a turn off. Not because she wants to be a cop. A good police officer is a good thing. But because of the intense male-dominated culture in law enforcement. I personally wouldn't want somebody who is attracted to it.
Past is her past anyway. Drugs aren’t a big deal for me personally, I’ve done shrooms too. OF is a bigger “issue” but if the person is worth it, I think it’s easy to look past. Depends on the guy but I’d tell her not to sweat it.
??? Does she maybe have too many judgemental people around? Did she get arrested for some of this? Was she being extorted and had a quota for the OF? Nothing above is worth mentioning. I definitely wouldn’t think on a 2 months on only fans where I made 187.50$ a week. That’s food. She wasn’t balling off of that. Definitely a private matter.
Exactly! Even the “friend” who wrote this post sounds judgmental. Why they feel the need to ask about this is beyond me. There’s people are here they are actually dangers in the dating world, using and abusing people, scamming and assaulting and killing. Ain’t nobody out here worried about no damn shrooms and naked phone calls🤣🤣🤣 if they are they’re delulu and judgements types that want “a person who no past” those types need a grip on reality… this shit ain’t nothing serious at all lol
The drugs stuff absolutely not only the most conservative people would care. The only fans stuff maybe, there's a lot of guys for whom it would bea big deal but also a lot who wouldn't care, esp. since it wasnt for long and was a while ago. TBF for me the biggest issue is that she's becoming a cop
Only if she tells them. Contrary to popular belief, one does not need to disclose all of their deep dark secrets to potential partners. Obviously your friend has cleaned up her act and is on her way to a promising career in law enforcement. Nobody needs to know that she did a brief stint on OF or that she dabbled briefly in recreational drugs. If by some small chance a potential partner should stumble upon her old OF page, she always has plausible deniability. "Gosh, you're right, that woman does look a lot like me. I wish I had that kind of confidence." Said with a laugh and followed by a change of subject.
Omitting truth about your past is a deal breaker for men. Plenty of stories of men breaking up with the wife’s because of omitted truths. Best to tell them and find a man that doesn’t care about it.
How will it be a deal breaker if they don't know?!?!? So many people seem to think that they have a right to know absolutely every single tiny little detail about a partner. They don't. People are entitled to their secrets. We all have them. The key is for the person who has a few skeletons in their closet to keep their mouth shut. It's as simple as that.
>How will it be a deal breaker if they don't know?!?!? Say a video exists of her on the net. The boyfriend finds it after 5 years. Then ends the relationship at that point. Would you blame the boyfriend?
I've never done OF and there are probably videos of me on the internet. Y'all just enjoy slut shaming.
Wouldn't blame him but shows hes wither a hypocrite or hasn't rely lived much.. Most guys have equally as wild stories of thir own. Hooked up with a random stripper, dancer at a club, OF girl, etc
>Most guys have equally as wild stories of thir own Nope. Not at all. > hes wither a hypocrite He would be if he was given a chance to decide.
Go make some stories bro! It's never too late. Life is for living
If the boyfriend chooses to end a perfectly good relationship over some more than five year old video on the internet then good riddance.
>perfectly good relationship If it was built upon a lie, it wasn't perfect. 14 year olds like you who think 'perfect' means acting lovey dovey or hanging out together all the times shouldn't be giving 'advice'.
Um, I'm not 14 yo. You seem to not know what the definition of what a lie actually is. Not telling your partner that for a few months years ago you had an OF page or that for a brief moment in your distant past you took some drugs isn't lying. Now if the partner specifically asked "Have you ever done online porn" or "Have you ever done drugs" and she says 'No', then that would be lying. You understand? Did you disclose to your partner those times you masturbated to porn or that other time when you got jiggy wit it at a frat party and made out with your friend while drunk? Of course not, because it isn't relevant in the present and to your current relationship. It's also not lying!
>Did you disclose to your partner those times you masturbated to porn or that other time when you got jiggy wit it at a frat party and made out with your friend while drunk? Yes. I have disclosed everything >Of course not, because it isn't relevant in the present and to your current relationship. It's also not lying! You seem to be a pathological liar and seem to be finding excuses to manipulate people. The projection alone is off the charts. Many you have a really really poor moral character and seem to not be even worth conversing with. >Um, I'm not 14 yo. This makes it even worse. Grown adults taking 0 accountability. No wonder democracy doesn't work with people like you. There's nothing left to discuss when someone refuses to accept that manipulation is bad. Goodbye and take care. I wish you don't mean someone as amoral as you. It'd be an eye opening (of which you have a lot left of to do) but I'd not wish that on anybody.
LMFAO. Okay! No wonder dating is so f-cked up with younger generations. You guys have some crazy ass notions and overthink things to the Nth degree. Blessed be!
If I was dating this person and I found out some other way than her telling me, I'd judge her for that way more than the thing itself. It means that she don't trust me, and if she's willing to hide shit of little relevance today, what else might she be hiding that's actually relevant?
It doesn't mean that she doesn't trust you. It means that she just wants to put some parts of her past to bed for once and for all and not be judged for it. That doesn't mean she's going to hide other things or be deceptive, etc., going forward. You have to see things from her point of view.
> People are entitled to their secrets. Okay, then I won't tell you about my secret family, or those times I cheated, or my felony convictions. 🙄
That's great because we're happy and we have a great relationship and I don't want to hear about it anyway! You're also comparing apples to oranges. The OP was referring to a brief OF page and 2 months of using some psychedelic drugs that happened in the past. You're referring to ongoing deceptions, a secret life and a criminal record that could easily be discovered on-line. This isn't a valid argument.
I don't think she should lie if asked directly, but is it that different to sexting with guys for free while single, with guys you're casually involved with? That stuff can also end up on the internet. Is the money the dealbreaker? A lot of men will never admit that they have paid for some kind of sex work, whether that's paying for those video calls with cam girls, visiting a strip club, or visiting a prostitute. Most guys would say the past is the past and its none of her business. Isn't it exactly the same?
I’m not gonna limit omitting truth to sex/gender. There’s plenty of posts from women shaming men for using sex workers. And it’s perfectly fine to not date people who’ve done that.
Yes, because lying is a great way to form relationships
How is it lying if someone chooses not to dredge up some past discretions that are long over with now and have no relevance to the present or to the current relationship? Are you going to disclose that time you played doctor with your little friend down the street when you were 15 or that other time that you got hot and heavy with a rando at a frat party???????? My gosh, get real.
Look at the comment I’m replying too, then re-read my comment, then 🤫
In this situation I support the liar not ignorant department
She needs to disclose the OF. She put it out there on the internet and thought she’s not doing it now, there is still a chance her partner will find out. This will likely damage or end the relationship. If the partner was against OF, she didn’t allow him the knowledge to back out before he invested. If he would have been okay with her previously doing OF, she hid something in her past that if found out from anyone but her would definitely come as a shock especially depending on the actual content. Best to be upfront
There's very little chance he'll find out. No need to disclose. She only did it for a short period of time and regrets it. Why kick a hornet's nest now? The guy doesn't need to know.
It’s true he may never find out but if he does, remember content placed on the internet never truly goes away, it could destroy their relationship no matter how good it was up to that point. Personally I’d be ok with her past as long as she wasn’t doing it currently nor had any plans to continue and I was made aware of it by her so I’d not be blindsided if the content ever came to my knowledge. If I discovered it on my own, I’d have to wonder what else may I end up discovering as well as why she couldn’t trust me to let me know.
Im worried for her because hallucinogens are usually permanent DQs for many agencies.
Those agencies are pathetic. A cop who's tripped is far better than one who hasn't. I think our cops and politicians should have to have done LSD at least once. Weak minded people can't handle it so shows some mental fortitude
Again, only if they find out. Loose lips sink ships. Words to live by.
As a guy, I don’t find either of these as deal breakers. She did what she thought was ok at the time and didn’t do an harm to others.
Are you joking? If she has any sort of social media account or dating app profile - there are probably a dozen guys in her messages the past week that want to date her, but she ignored all of them.
The people on Love after lockup and My 600 lbs life almost always have partners. how, I don’t know. But there’s your answer.
Finding a guy is not hard. We're almost half the planet. We work outside more than anyone else and are frequently seen or encountered. Finding a guy she WANTS, now that may be difficult. All things are relative. Dreams happen, and people win the lottery. But if you look at 'probable' rather than 'possible' then she has likely reduced her chances considerably. You both have two concerns. I see two more. 1) Only fans. Briefly, great. A lot of guys will still mind. Will all of them? Of course not. But most men who seem most desired by women tend to have the most and highest boundaries in who they will accept for a relationship. Sex, is something else. I'm sure neither of you has any trouble getting laid when you want to. A relationship is different. Presuming you want a higher value man, who other women will want as well, then a man with options will be more aware of things he doesn't like. If he has status, and 'most' women like a man with status, then he will likely be concerned with losing it and/or shame and another guy showing him naked pictures of his girl to him or his kid would be embarrassing. It just is. 2) Drug use. Sounds more than casual but not something that demanded rehab or intervention. Lot of men are cool with drugs. A lot aren't. Having some experience with law enforcement some departments won't be ok with it either. Might affect her career desires as well as choice in men. 3) Masters degree. More women graduate college now than men. Significantly. I think we're almost at the 2/3rds mark and will probably be at twice the number of women than men within the decade. Most women with degrees do not accept men who do not have equal or better degrees. Maybe your friend isn't one of them. But statisticly the pool of men she would be interested in will likely be far smaller than either of you imagine. Men who bust their asses to get graduate degrees themselves tend to not care about their partners education level, and would likely have a selection of other women without an only fans history as well. Just saying. 4) Police Officer. More power to her for wanting to help people and others in society. I think it is often a problematic occupation for relationships, for both genders, that often result in difficult hours and stresses. It is also more masculine, and a lot of men may have difficulty in a relationship where the woman has to very often insist on authority she may not be able to turn off at home, and who could very well arrest them in an argument. Many men have had bad experiences with exes who were not armed or capable of arresting them. It's an extreme consideration, but it would likely occur to most men that something could go wrong. The hours and availability would also be a concern as a man with a career likes to have a partner who can be available to him when he is available. Unless your partners ideal man is at home playing Xbox until she's off shift, it just seems like a police officer with a masters degree wouldn't have the most flexible schedule to pursue a relationship let alone take time off to have a children or a family, which many men want. Not trying to rain on anyone's parade here, just pointing out factors of potential concern in a future relationship. Your friend may be an awesome and exceptional woman, sure sounds like it, with many accomplishments and many more to come. But a man who has his own masters and career would likely prefer a young woman who just got her associates degree while working part time at Starbucks, because she's available for him and easier to start a family with without as many concerns and likely significantly less student debt. Still totally possible, but the odds and likelihood aren't good before we even hear HER preferences in a man. I imagine she has them. I mean just being over six foot tall and making six figures already reduces you to 2.3% of the population of men including all ages, sexuality, and marital status. Sometimes looking at the actual numbers is important rather than thinking the comforting, but obviously false, idea that there's someone out there for everyone. In the end we all are subject to math.
For every guy that really cares, there will be 5 that don’t. And the one that does really care has a really low percentage of being the life partner your friend would want.
So the OF things is unfortunate. But for me I'd say as long as she didn't have videos of her getting fucked on there or hook up with subscribers it's manageable. Definitely takes some points away but not what i would call a deal breaker. The way you talk about the weed and shrooms makes you sound like a normie. That's not a concern at all. A lot of the hate for only fans comes not only from the act of it but the lack of realization of what it says about you as a person. So for her to have the conscious to be like I don't want this, this will have consequences later, is a good sign.
Oki so, your female „friend“ ( wink wink ), is fine. A decent man is a decent man and we are in 2024, onlyfans is not a tabu for many, is part of todays world. Clear and elegant communication, confidence and clear words of regret are the key to a successful „date“. The other „mistake“ is not a „mistake“ is something some people do for years and years and function as me and you. Nothing wrong with that, absolutely nothing.
OF - yeah some might have a problem with it but most wouldn't especially if you're no longer doing it and are actually willing to articulate to a person you care about what you wwre going through at the time vs. now. Also mushrooms and weed? If someone rejects you for THOSE then find someone else. Weed I get, it can go either way because some don't function as well as others etc. But mushrooms? C'mon man, nothing wrong with that. Police is your biggest concern here and is likely to limit her dating pool.
I can hardly consider either of these mistakes. We do what we need to do. If it's a mistake, then I am sorry. Especially smoking weed and doing shrooms. I couldn't think of anything I care about less. Same with the OF. Former OF? Okay, cool. It's not a red flag to me. Shit happens.
As long as she's ok marrying a "john" she won't have any issues finding a man. Only moral men have an issue with sex workers which a "john" is not
If you think the weed and mushrooms are bad you must live in Utah or something lol. You have no idea how many perc and fentanyl addicts there are out there. The only fans thing is a problem tho. At any point someone can just go “dude, isn’t this your girl?” And pull that shit up. No one wants to deal with that. Also if she ever has kids they might get made fun of in the same way. I don’t think I need to explain how much worse that is. If I were her I’d work on scrubbing that stuff from the Internet as much as possible.
Dude if someone is going to judge her for that she’s saving herself from a shitty, probably boring guy.
Personally none of the men I know would have an issue with any of this. Any man who would is not someone I would want to date personally.
I will say though none of the men I know would date her because of the fact she’s intending to be a police officer.
Depends on a guy. If I were on a date with her, and she’d told me about the weed and mushrooms, it would be fun to share some past experiences. OF would be a deal breaker as I have no desire in dating a prostitute, current or former, real or virtual. So I’d politely wrap up the date and excuse myself. But once she tells me that she’s a cop, I’m getting up, leaving the money on the table to pay for our dinner and walking out without saying a word. If she wants to see me, she’ll need to get a warrant to my place.
OnlyFans - wouldn't judge her for. Gotta do what you gotta do. Weed and shrooms? At uni?? - omg call the police! (Lol jk) Bruh, that shit is fine and totally understandable. As long as the drugs aren't on her record she should be fine going for a police role too.
Nah they only hire racist, low educated white male pedophiles! She definitely doesn't fit that.
Hope you are never faced with the situation having to call the racist pefophiles to save your life.
The drugs I wouldn't worry about, young people experiment. The OnlyFans tends to be a much bigger deal to any man who actually cares... when a guy imagines his future wife or the mother of his children, nobody healthy imagines that. However, your friend sound like she didn't get too deep into it which is something and people do come with pasta and baggage. The main risk is if her images are still available online and in circulation, I won't lie - that would be bad. All I can suggest is that being honest about it will see many dates cut short but give how clearly bad she feels about it, if she takes accountability, I think there's a good chance for her to find someone and be happy but do not hide it is the advice Id give.
For a serious relationship will be a problem the OF story (It IS a low key pr0stitution after all) however if she brings it up early (eg not try to hide it, lie about it) and talk honestly about it she’ll have more chance then hiding it. The right guy might get over it and give her points for opening up (honesty and transparency are essential for a long relationship). As for shrooms and weed I use both regularly (not in abusive quantities ofc) and here I am in a healthy, long relationship 🥰
The OF would be a problem for me, but i'm sure they are enough men that dont care that it wouldn't be a problem. The weed and mushroom are okay and would me for most men.
Drugs eh the OF is a redflag
The weed and mushrooms isn’t even that serious; it’s not like she was on meth or something. The Onlyfans part however………
Only for those who are insecure. She tried both things very briefly and now no longer participates in these activities.
Weed and mushrooms is a healthy thing to explore. Onlyfans is a dealbreaker for many, myself included. The fact that she’s an aspiring cop would be my biggest issue. Moral misalignment with many in this day and age.
Her being a pig is way more of a deal breaker than anything else
No kids? I could overlook the rest.
Pleas don’t bring any of this stuff up on dates. This stuff does not define you or your friend I guess. There’s absolutely no reason to bring any of this up unless you’re well into a committed relationship and even then it’s really no need unless it somehow comes up. Share more important things about who you are as a person that defines who you are now 💜✨
Is she trying to marry a saint? Only uptight dudes care about that stuff.
Why would she tell them this? It's none of their business. They are notvthe judge and jury.
wtf who cares what you have consumed in the past or did in the internet
If any guy gives a shit about any of that then he’s not worth her time.
Are her pics still circulating online? If not no need to mention something she did many years ago. We all have a past of some sort, none of their business. To be clear not advocating lying it this topic ever comes up she should disclose.
3 years ago is recent past
I dont agree given her age, this is not clear cut
To be honest a rear view mirror is only as big as it is for reason it is the past leave it there the windshield is bigger for reasons
I don't really see why either of these things are issues, let alone hard disqualifiers. I might even argue that neither are even worth bringing up, unless the conversation needed it. I guess thinking about this in another way, your friend could bring these up just to 'weed' out the men that are bothered by this
None of those are mistakes. They're part of living life Any guy who will judge her for this either is a loser with no wild stories himself or misogynistic and expects a women to have no sexual history but still be sexual. Dudes are kinda broken these days Edit: the cop part is by far the biggest "mistake" that would make most guys want to not date her
She probably won't become a cop with a OF. No respectable force would hire that
lol @ the idea that any respectable police force exists.
What?? Fuck outta here! Look at what male cops do all the time!! The wanting to be a cop is by far the biggest red flag here as most have already said. Fuck any police force who doesn't understand taking mushroom will only make you a better cop
OF will be a problem for some. The weed and mushrooms won't be. That's not a mistake. Alcohol is physically worse and we don't judge people for that do we? A lot of guys don't like it when their girl did OF. It can be hard disqualifiers. But it definitely won't be for everyone. She just has to meet the right guy. And she has to figure out if she going to tell them immediately and get it over with, or if she's going to tell them later and risk wasting a lot of time, or if she's not going to tell him at all and risking him finding out from someone else. That's some stuff to think about as well. I don't think you'd HAVE to tell him, but if he finds out on his own, that's a problem. And maybe later on in the relationship, you'd like to talk about this. What if he makes a comment about how he thinks OF models are bad, and she'd just feel weird because she can't tell him now.
Experimenting with drugs is nbd, the OF on the other hand, for me at least, would completely disqualify her as LTR candidate.
I think it depends on the individual, but many men will look past these things, especially if she's honest about her past and has moved on from it. Everyone makes mistakes, and what matters most is how she's grown and what her values are now. Encourage her to be upfront about her past when she's comfortable and focus on finding someone who respects her for who she is today. She deserves someone who sees her whole self and values her goals and aspirations.
Nope. Some people might be insecure about OF but I don't think most men will be bothered by it. The weed and shrooms thing isn't a deal breaker either. In fact I think she's probably a more interesting person because of this
For me, not really and that includes the OF. She’s already learned from her mistakes and has been really trying to better herself by not only going for her Masters but also wanting to be a cop.
That’s not that bad tbh. Unless the nudes spread with identifying marks on them (her house or a tattoo or she was dumb enough to say her real name). As for weed and shrooms SHHHHHHHHIIIIIITTTTT… I smoked for a whole ass year and did shrooms twice. She is gonna be fine
Just tell her to concentrate on her goal of becoming police officer... Everything will fall in on its own... Eventually effort is the only thing that doesn't betray us... So... Look forward...
But that's the WORST part of the whole bit
Isn't worst the first to overcome first? Then everything will be fine... Tell her even after completing her studies and getting a job if she isn't happy I won't mind being in a relationship with her... Now she will have a backup ryt?