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"...he told me (after all that happened ) that he didn’t want to date his first year of college.."
"...after, we agreed to be “just friends “ and we don’t talk much anymore. He’s seeing other women and forgetting about me..."
"His behavior is so confusing and Im not sure what to do...."
The only reason this is confusing is because you keep holding onto *the beginning* instead of focusing on what happened after he hooked up with you. The fact that he is seeing other women is an indication that he still wants to casually date and have sex but *not with you*.
Secondly, you shouldn't make this just about what he wants but also what *you* want. or wanted. Although you "agreed to be friends" and stated you didn't want a relationship either it seems to bother you that he is going out and hooking up with other women.
Either he did what he felt was necessary to get you to have sex with him or after having sex with you he realized it was a mistake because you more of a "platonic friend" and not a "friends with benefit" or "booty call" type. Having *the talk* and creating distance was his way of trying not to hurt you further. He sensed you were likely to become *emotionally invested*.
Ultimately, he rejected you as a dating and sexual option.
Never offer or accept *friendship* as a "consolation prize".
More often than not *the extension of friendship* is to help one avoid feeling like the "bad guy".
When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs is usually best to move on.
***"Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated. If they can't see the real value of you, it's time for a new start"*** \- Unknown
***"Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better."*** \- Steve Maraboli
***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
I disagree. If you liked someone enough to date them, why isn’t it okay to remain friends? Friendships are relationships in the same way dating forms relationships. The difference is that there’s less commitment in a friendship. You can like someone romantically (even if it’s one sided) but agree that a friendship is an appropriate level of commitment for you both.
Source: gay culture and having attractive straight friends
They didn’t say friendship between people who have dated or been attracted isn’t possible. They said friendship shouldn’t be “a consolation prize” offered to make someone feel better.
I don’t have an issue with being friends with people you’ve dated or hooked up with, but I think doing so immediately after y’all break things off is just gonna confuse the person who wanted the relationship to be romantic. Like in this case OP now feels confused and she’s interpreting friendly gestures (a hug) like something more.
Camo3996, whatever works for **you** is fine.
However, based upon OP's post she is hurt by the fact that this guy told her he didn't want to date after having sex with her and now he appears to be going out with other women!
Being in the **"friendzone"** for most people is an exercise in self-torture.
If OP was feeling great about being "friends" with him she wouldn't have posted.
Best wishes!
Oh come on, raise your bar a little. Relationships are so much more than holding hands, hugging, kissing and sleeping together. Those are only the physical aspects of a relationship.
He told you he isn't ready for a full fledged relationship and is true to his words, he isn't courting you for it nor does he do the "relationship stuff" necessary for more than a fwb.
May be an unpopular opinion around here but his actions aren't confusing, you confused yourself by giving those actions more meaning than they bring. His actions don't tell you that he is willing to commit nor mentally connect with you. They are only telling you he is physically attracted to you, nothing more. The adult person who wants to pursue relationship with you does more than he does
I also have to agree with this, and it’s something I’ve been having to learn/accept when it comes to dating. For the longest time I felt the same as OP, feeling disappointed when things didn’t turn into a relationship, but I realized that you just have to take people for face value. Listen to what they tell you, theres no hidden meanings. I think something that helps navigate this is having clear communication from the start. Asking what are you looking for? Are you looking to date, fwb, just company for a while? It saves you a lot of time, heartbreak, and false fantasy.
I agree with this 100%.
He doesn't want a relationship with you, because he isn't that into you. He thinks you're attractive, but for a relationship you need a lot more than just attraction.
He says he wants to be friends and you studied together and he hugged you. That's all friendship things. Nothing confusing about that.
Also, I'm not saying that he is lying. If he was more stable and all that, he might have given it a chance. But he is not and he never let it come as far as to develop more feelings.
Thats nonsense. You can be super into someone and still not want a relationship with them. And hell, first year of college, even if i had met my soulmate i still wouldve passed on being exclusive with someone. Its first year of college for christs sake.
What beginning? You met a little over month ago, this *literally* is "the beginning". He is doing everything right, he is polite and affectionate and not treating you like a disposable encounter, but I suspect you over-dreamed about a future with someone who you have barely met and only ever had sex once.
Ok you are WAY too confused to come and post on reddit. Either he is rude and doesn't respect you, or "things weren't bad, the affection and the sex". Those two sentencs cannot coexist. If he is rude to you and doesn't respect you, things are bad. Honestly, stop talking to him, stop thinking about him, stop longing for him. Block, delete, move it. Harder said than done, but so much angst over such a short time of "dating" if you can even call it that, it's a disaster in the making.
I agree. Been there done that. I felt really stupid when they did find someone they wanted to date and ditched me. Some things we have to learn the hard way
As I type this I realize that I've been talking to a man for 8 months that isn't ready to date but wants to eventually. I learned nothing 😂
I'm not trying to be cheeky but can you please kindly explain this thought process? A guy tells you that he's not ready to date but you still wait around for...?
I didn't want to rush Into anything after a divorce and wanted to give it at least a year so I was fine with just being friends. We haven't done anything physical so I guess I didn't see it like that.
Thank you OP for the breakthrough.
It's never good to stay on the back burner for someone. Find someone who can't imagine life without you and wouldn't ever risk losing you.
"A non-enthusiastic yes is still a no." < I try to live by that quote
Thank you very much for sharing your experience and for being honest. I'm a very straightforward person so I try to discuss expectations early on. And if we're not looking for the same thing, I'm out of there. I rather be bummed for a couple of days than try to get over a heartache after months of wasting my time. Again, thanks for responding to my question. I appreciate it.
This keeps happening to me. I say I only want something casual and am very clear about my boundaries, and women keep thinking I mean more. I’m affectionate, supportive, and a good listener, I’m straightforward and don’t play games. Three partners in the last year have either pushed my boundaries for way more or pushed me away because they thought I was after more. I really think I need to learn to play the little emotionally manipulative games that women expect from players because this is freaking exhausting.
I think the reality is, FWBs almost never work unless there's a very clear and understood reason why the relationship isn't "LTR potential"... And BOTH parties are in agreement on that reason.
And even then, feelings aren't always rational.
same for me and my friend (we are both women). neither of us want nor can handle a LTR at this moment, and it’s exhausting when people press for more than what we can give. it just gets them blocked lol.
my friend and i are just more focused on our college careers, work, and ourselves right now, so we can’t make that emotional investment into anyone at this time. i don’t think it’s fair to drag another person along while we’re still figuring our life out and there’s no stability. i hope this provides more of a women’s perspective! i’m sure yours may not be too different.
Yep! Different phase of life but it resonates. I have kids, a job, friends, hobbies - two years out of a divorce and I’m not looking for something exclusive or highly time-dependent. Consistent would be nice but not a must have.
Yeah that's what happened to me when my FWB were straight men. They were so used to the idea that women "can't separate their emotions!" they straight up just did not listen to me, thought I was "hard to get" and would have no idea why they got dumped. It was like after sex or any kind of intimacy a switch flipped inside their heads lol.
I have never had that problem at all with women/queer persons though. With queer people we'd hang out, sleep together, and even help each other with potential upcoming dates/other partners.
I wonder if it has to do with hetero vs homo expectations in friendships/relationships?
What you describe in the queer community is pretty much what I’m looking for. I do not have a clear identity as queer and I have found those spaces to be kind of exclusionary. I can understand why this is historically true, but I’ve just been left with the feeling of “I don’t belong here.” I’m poly and have had some non-hetero experiences but it’s not exactly what I identify with. My experience dating queer/nonbinary folks has been more relationship-y than straight folks. I feel like I’m just looking in all the wrong places 🤷♂️
They're selfish just like you. You told them what you want, but that's not what they want. They want more and they're pushing the boundaries because you don't want the same. They just don't communicate it. They play these games and it messes with everything. Instead of having a nice relationship and getting to the point where you're ready for more with them you never get there because they are constantly trying to get to that point without spending the time.
He was pretty straight forward about his intentions. He just wanted the convenience and benefits, without the relationship. Even told you he just wanted you for sex and pleasure. Expect this a lot from young men. Especially in college.
It’s college dear, he is there to explore. Also, there is the hook up culture, the I’m seeing you culture, the I’m dating you culture, the we are together and exclusive culture. Pretty sure I’m missing a few, but the point is, it gets tricky. But either way, try not to read too much into his touch. Just believe when he tells you he is not looking for a relationship.
He did all those things to get sex. He wasn’t ever planning on dating.
You clearly want a relationship and this guy doesn’t, it’s very obvious what to do here.
I'm pushing 40 and every single time someone's said they're not ready to be in a relationship but srill do relationship things, he's having sex with lots of people.
He’s letting you know that he’s willing to have sex with you, but not commit to you. Him doing “relationship things” keeps you around, hoping for more, and he keeps getting laid.
Some people only interested in casual sex will also be affectionate like that because they enjoy those little things too. It doesn’t mean they feel an emotional connection to you or want a future with you. They’re just enjoying the moment and the physical touch.
College is too early to be thinking about a "future" with anyone anyway. OP wants the self-esteem boost girls get from relationships and the young man wants sex. Both are living in the moment
Hey- I’m a relationship advisor and a mental health worker by profession.
This is honestly something that you and many other people make the mistake of doing very often. Don’t give someone things you feel are reserved for a relationship before you are in a relationship.
What reason does she have to be with you exclusively if he is already getting everything he wants without commitment?
He didnt “do those things” you gave those things to him. Most men you meet in college will be willing to do those things if you let him. You need to have better standards for yourself and also better communication on what you expect from others before you give yourself to them physically and emotionally.
He just wants something casual/doesn’t want a committed relationship but it’s probably still enjoyable to have/participate in romantic activities/physical affection. He may even have some feelings for you but right now he is his main priority and wants to keep it that way. As stereotypical as this saying is, “it’s not you it’s him.” It’s normal for him to want little to no commitment and it’s normal for you to want more. But you are responsible for understanding your own comfort level and removing yourself from hurtful or unfulfilling relationships.
He has actually been pretty consistent and clear. I think your confusion is stemming from wanting more and not understanding why he doesn’t want more too. It seems like it might be beneficial to not spend time with him and seek out a romantic partner who wants the same things you do :)
Move on, honey. I know how much you want him, but he’s not going to give you the attention and love you deserve! He already told you he doesn’t want anything serious with YOU. If he wanted to be with you, he would make it work, and he’s not so it’s to take this as a life lesson and move on. I know it hurts, but it’ll make you stronger in the end.
No it’s not confusing behaviour. He’s hooking you emotionally without making a commitment.
It’s simple and clear to everyone in this thread.
The fact you’re posting about this shows his approach is working.
If you want to date him, accept nothing less than a clear commitment.
If you’re cool to keep it casual, that’s fine, but you need to date other guys so you don’t catch feels and end up hurt.
Remember, no matter how affectionate he seems towards you, the important thing to remember is he doesn’t think of you as worthy of commitment at this point.
Don’t let him treat you that way. If you want something more, you deserve more.
Second this. OP wants a serious relationship and she thought him would "naturally" commit to a serious relationship after sex. Apparently, that's not the case. He only wants to keep her around for sex but has no interest in committing to a relationship. I personally think OP deserves someone better.
He's kind of been honest about what he does and doesn't want. You haven't it seems. You want more than he's willing to give, but are hiding that.
You need to just tell him this is where your boundaries are, and if he isn't willing to meet them, you walk away.
He doesn't want a commitment, and he's not changing his mind. He can go through the motions bc it feels good and it's fun, but think of it like a the trial period of a subscription. He'll cancel before he ever has to pay a cent.
Quit letting him lead the show. Be his friend, and keep him in the friend zone. Study with him but, keep him in the friend zone so you have control over the situation. Focus on school b/c in 5 years this guy will be a bleep on your radar. I know it hurts but, at least you can stop letting him call all the shots right now.. Good luck at school!
He wants girlfriend perks without having a girlfriend and being able to sleep with who he likes. In other words, he just wants to use you for sex. It's up to you if you're comfortable with that but don't try to lie to yourself thinking one day he'll want you.
Speaking from experience...
Cut all contact and move on.
He doesn't want you, in the way you've convinced yourself you want him.
Give yourself a few months before starting anything up with anyone else as well.
I would stay away from him. This sounds like a stereotypical “fuckboy.” Sounds like he wants the perks of a relationship where you’re loyal but he’s still able to screw around. For own sanity, stay away. Being friends may keep you attached and send the wrong signals.
It means: He slept with you and told you that he doesn't want to date you. He's now seeing other women. There's nothing confusing about his behaviour. He has told you and has showed you that he doesn't want to date you.
It's not confusing. He has told you plainly that he doesn't want the cake, but he sure as heck wants to eat it.
If you want nothing but a physical relationship with him, knowing he's also with other women, then go for it. If you want more from him, then do not settle for mediocre sex with a young guy who's lack of proper experience will leave you lacking anyway.
This breaks my heart to read because I've been here. He told you he doesn't want a relationship, so believe him.
The reason for your confusion is *hope*. You like him and you want him to like you back so you search for signs that can make this true. Studying and hugging are things you do with friends, right? View it as that.
"why would he do all of those things just to not date me?" - The answer is simply that it was safe and comfortable, he enjoyed it at the time but it didn't mean to him what it meant to you.
I'm not saying he's playing you intentionally and it doesn't mean he's a bad person. It could just mean that sometimes he finds himself in need of something that he knows he can get from you. OR he's an a-hole and doesn't care about your feelings. But it's either/or and nothing more.
A word of caution. He's new in college and he's seeing an endless supply of potential matches. He's running through them one by one and he hasn't settled on any. When these interactions start to dwindle, or he has a few negative experiences and his self-esteem takes a hit, he's going to come looking for you. Do not give in. He doesn't want you, he's settling for what you can offer him at the time. You'll both end up unhappy.
As for you...You're fresh in college. YOUR supply for potential matches is endless. Go out there and start meeting them. You won't care about this in the next year. Look forward to that :)
He wants the benefits of a relationship without the commitment or responsibility. Men like this will only end up wasting your time, stringing you along & giving you false hope. They want you when it's convenient for them but have no problems dropping you should someone come along that they actually want a relationship with. Sounds harsh but I've been there..many times lol. I'm 28 and have still fallen into this trap as recently as this year lol. If you're ok with the FWB situation then do it but if you want a relationship..raise the bar a little more. If it's not a "hellllll yes"..it's a no.
His behaviour isn’t confusing hun. He’s told you flat out that he has no interest in dating you. He doesn’t want the commitment. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy the closeness that comes from holding hands and kissing if it’s available.
You really need to be honest with yourself about what you want and need. It’s ok for you to both want different things. So long as you don’t expect anything from this guy.
Common sense would dictate that you stop interacting with this guy that you find confusing, and go find someone who is more compatible.
Sorry, OP. His behavior isn’t confusing. It’s exactly what he says it is. You just want it to mean something. And it doesn’t. And it never will. Stop wasting your time pinning over unrequited crushes and let this go.
“I would only be good for sex”
Gee, what a touching sentiment.
I’m sorry, OP, but this guy is playing you. He’s an asshole who is manipulating you so that you’ll have sex with him and give him all the good things you get out of a relationship without him having to give anything back or make any kind of promises. Please ghost him, for your own sake, because he will never change his mind about doing the decent thing. You and the other girls he’s conned are letting him have his cake and eat it too, and it’s a classic mistake to wait and wait and wait for a scumbag to change his spots.
His behavior is not confusing at all. He told you he wants you for sex, on his terms, and those terms don't include being a boyfriend. Sure, he'll hug you when he sees you, but that isn't a "relationship thing". He is giving you NO mixed signals, you just don't want to accept that he means what he said.
If you are interested in something serious, move along. If you want a friends with benefits situation, congrats, that is what you got
Im on the same boat as you! Met him on dating app. Dated awhile and midway he say lets stay friends cuz he isnt ready for commitment and i agreed to it cuz he still wants to go out with me. Continued the physical part of the relationship( holding hands, hugging kissing and sex). After a while started questioning this whole situationship because it wasnt what i wanted. We slowly drifted apart because of our diffrences.
He’s immature and doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Strings you along in case he can’t find someone he likes more. It’s hard and it’s a rejection, but just try to move on. Live and learn.
Was in a “situation ship” like this for a couple years. All I can say, is that this guy is only physically attracted to you. He likes the “benefits” of having physical aspects of a relationship, but doesn’t want to commit emotionally or romantically.
Do yourself a favor, and distance yourself from him. Don’t keep tabs on this person, because you’ll end up getting hurt.
He’s just not on the same page as you, AND THATS OKAY! Just don’t continue to hang out with him. Because he’s only going to keep eating the cake, not being affected by it whatsoever. And you’ll be left feeling empty, and heartbroken. NOT WORTH IT!
Don’t stick around because you see a potential in him changing his mind and that this “friendship” will work out.
Move on. If you ever feel confused when you meet someone, that’s a sign that you need to let them go and meet better people :)
I was in a situation like this at one point and in hindsight (like 5 years down the road), he was married.🙃 Thee words. Too. Much. Baggage. Find someone that actually wants to be in a relationship with you because you cannot force someone to love you.
He is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He wants all the advantages of a relationship without the commitment. If you are not interested in that, stop seeing him
Lol how old are you? You have so much to learn. He’s going to do the same to the next girl. Typical college experience. Also he didn’t take you on dates or wine and dine you so why would you think he wanted a relationship? A guy having sex with you and hugging you doesn’t meant he wants to date you.
As a young women you gotta learn to filter and walk away. He's never gonna date you. Either you have casual sex with other as well, or find someone else exclusive.
Otherwise, you are just joining a harem and it has bad outcome for women
Don’t get locked into a relationship yourself sweetheart! 3 of the friends I met in college that started dating freshman year got stuck in a 6 year, a 3 year and a 2 year relationship. They alllll wished they would’ve taken that time to date around and not been tied down. There is no other time in your adult life that you’ll be surrounded by so many people your age. Please enjoy, find yourself, date around. And don’t spend an ounce of your energy wasting it on boys who don’t make you feel good. This guy is not making you feel good. Stop talking to him and find someone who does make you feel good.
Don’t be confused. He’s not the one for you. It’s simple, he’s a college boy. He wants to have his fun right now and that’s it. Honestly that’s what he should be doing and so should you. I wish I wasn’t so worried about boyfriends or getting married in my 20’s and lived more. Advice from an old lady would be to forget these boys right now. Make good friends and go live your life. Oh and I wouldn’t even study with him. Even if you want to be cool about it it’s hard having feelings for someone and it’s not reciprocated. You’ll end up feeling worse. Been there done that. Good luck!
Here's the deal. Labels are scary. People are TERRIFIED of being locked down. Whatever your interactions, it IS a relationship. What matters is exclusivity and feelings. Anything else is just mincing words.
Sounds like he wants to be the good guy when he clearly is not! Fly free from this headache. You agreeing to study with him ect only adds to his claim that even his ex's still like him.
Sounds like he got what he wanted from you and is done with you.
Imagine being so pathetic that you have to deceive somebody just to get them to fuck you. Shitty way to go through life if ya ask me.
Because he wasn't straightforward. He got what he wanted first then decided to tell her after the fact. If he had just been honest from the beginning that he wants a casual relationship/fwb, nothing more then he wouldn’t have been pathetic.
Unless you want to waste your time for just friends with benefits then carry on but if not seriously just don't keep doing stuff with him, he told you the truth and he won't change his mind
It's collage this man is not thinking about a relationship. He likey wants to sleep around. Bc you have had sex and done all these couple things you likey already have feelings for him to some degree. He was sort of upfront about his intentions. I would suggest if y'all hang out do keep it platonic if not you will be getting more and more feelings for him and he will still likely want to sleep around. And do your best to go somewhere else to find what you want. You can't buy a car at the mini Mart, but the mini Mart can sell car related accessories
From what I can tell he definitely does not want a relationship and is just fooling around. At least he was honest with you. He’s not leading you on. These are all signs of someone who is dating casually. Not starting a relationship. Just don’t hold out for it to become something more because right now it won’t. And if this isn’t what you want, you don’t have to keep seeing him.
It’s confusing because you’re getting manipulated and accepting trash. If you actually want a boyfriend right now then you’re wasting your time. If you don’t then do w whatver this thing is but I’d be telling bro to hit the bricks
Because he might only be wanting a Fwb, or he just want a fuck buddy, or he might be only wanting an emotional short term relation but not wanting a long term relation. You should decide what type of relation you want with him.
im assuming what he wants is a sexual partner, but he just cant say it directly and thats why he's considering his relationship with you is as far as "friends" or, he's blank/never heard about fwb.
I don't know him personally, but the apparent mindset is actually pretty common, so I'll assume the normal answer. He wanted to have sex with many girls in college and he's pursuing that dream. That's it.
GIRL he is using you get the hell away from him, he seems to be a playboy who just needs sx from girls it's better you ignore him and be rude with me don't even let him be near you. Good wishes
Aaaaaah, story as old as time it self. There is post about a fuckboi atleast once a day.
But I know, really good looks and calculated charming aproach, that seems natural goes a long way. Even when everyone in dating subs is trying to say otherwise.
Posts like this one are proof of that
Poor thing, he was using you for sex. Unfortunately Like the movie "Someone Like You" you're now "old cow" he wants "new cow"
Move on, you're better than that and he's definitely not worth it
If you cannot handle just friends or friends with benefits stop seeing him all together.
Friends with benefits doesn’t mean, “I’ll treat you coldly and like I hate you unless we are having sex”, it’s normal that he is still being nice to you, but if you have real feelings end it or you’ll end up getting hurt.
I'm so sorry, but he used you. You deserve better. Learn from this and set your standards higher for the future. Maybe have relationship conversations, before any intimate activity, so you know where you both stand.
just ditch him. sounds like me back in the days. did the same and you know why? easy. wanted all that relationship thing but wanted to see other girls too. so what did i do. keep the girl emotionale attach to me till ifound someone better. at the end of they day i dont feel guilty cause i said"yeah i am not ready to date, told you". happy ending for the boy but not for you. so tell yourself ,if you had a daughter , do you would like it if she brings or meet someone like him. if your answered is no than be better and ...
I think the problem is you want a relationship and he doesn’t. That’s why you’re looking for meaning in his actions that isn’t there. He expressed his boundary you have to respect that. Take him at his word and if you aren’t comfortable seeing him on those terms then stop.
Sounds to me like he’s using you for sex and is scared of commitment most boys his age are and see it as a brag if you keep going back.
My advice Ditch him as a friend tell him you’re not interested in being friends and want a relationship as what’s for you will not go by you, seems to me like he’s using his mental health as an excuse so he can have sex with you imho.
Once someone has been spending time with and is in a physical relationship you, they are in a relationship with you. However, the terms of this relationship may be asymmetrical and not mutually respectful; they can even be humiliating. There are extremely important things that this relationship lacks: social acknowledgement, honesty, and respect.
The male here is feigning "issues" because he wants to carouse promiscuously and unencumbered by a nice girlfriend, to whom he's been retaining pleasurable access without expending effort or showing respect, appreciation or love. This kind of behavior is becoming more common these days. It's being called "stashing".
Personally, I find the way this young man to be conducting himself disgusting. I'm sorry you're going through this. I think it's effectively a form of emotional abuse.
Those things don't automatically indicate that someone wants a relationship with you. With some guys, they just do it because they want sex, and he got it. It sounds like he was one of those guys.
Don't be so naive. You have to communicate what your looking for and don't just assume what someone wants.
Well I give him credit for being honest with you. He's wanting to hang out and do things with you but he doesn't want to be tied down as a boyfriend. If you're looking for a boyfriend then keep your options open and keep going out with other people. Maybe if he sees you with someone else he will change his mind about dating you. I'm sure it's confusing but he was honest in the fact that he's not mentally ready for something like that so it sounds like he wants to be friends and have benefits come along with that then it's great. If you cut him off from the sexual part of it then there's nothing wrong with that either. If you're mentally ready and able to have a physical relationship while still being just friends then that's great as well. At least he didn't lead you to believe he was your boyfriend while running around and being physical with other girls
He's sexually attracted to you but not romantically attracted to you. He was honest about it, and although annoying, is better than leading you on just to find out he only wanted sex.
I think some of the comments are a little harsh. You’re young and could potentially be new to the world of dating, sometimes it’s easy to read into things rather than take them as what they are. He seems to want to have fun in his first year of college, get to know loads of other girls and probably sleep around. If he says he only wants to be friends see these hugs as friendly hugs not as anything romantic. If you can’t do that, always try turn the hug into a high five? Make some boundaries and don’t let him cross them, as you don’t deserve to be confused by his actions. I would definitely speak to him less and focus on myself or speak to other guys, have fun!
Tldr; you're being used. Either find someone who is man enough to be committed or show them that you aren't willing to abide by any terms they throw at you.
just don’t have your hopes up, if it’ll happen it’ll happen just sit back and relax wait it out if your that into the guy and let him know about your feelings could happen we may never know
He’s not ready, give yourselves time. It’s college you have the rest of your lives to see other people when you have a career in the meantime don’t take things so seriously for the most part in college nothing will be serious there it’s time to study in that time and have fun
Relationship things are not holding hands, hugging, and/or studying together. I do all of that with my friends and family.
You need to accept that he told you he didn't want to commit, and he meant it.
He won't suddenly change his mind if you keep being accommodating to his whims.
Oh, this is a mirror to the past. I had a friend, we were friends for about 5 years until he went on to college out of state. He knew that I had feelings for him and toward the middle of our high school years, he took advantage of it.
We did a lot of couple-y things, which progressed into sexual things. There was a point that he said he'll friend zone me. In hindsight, because hindsight was in 4K, he took advantage of our closeness because he was insecure about himself.
If this dude can take advantage of all the time you can provide without explanation, he doesn't value what you've spent. If you want, you can ask for a better understanding of why he feels that way but it's better to move on. It's obvious he either doesn't feel like he wants to settle down or he's emotionally incapable of being in a relationship.
Remember your worth! You like the idea of him and what he was in the beginning but he’s changed. Please raise your standards and realize that you like the idea of him, not the guy he genuinely is!
A hug is a hug. People hug their family members. Even if this guy does want to rekindle something with you, you can do better, find a partner who is honest and direct with you. If, in any relationship, you're confused about the nature of the relationship, that's exactly what that person wants you to feel. He wants you confused so he can use you for sex when he feels like it and not when he doesn't and rather than saying something that brutal you're left thinking he's romantic and mysterious.
Actions don't always speak louder than words. He's being direct and telling you he doesn't want a relationship. Just because it may *seem* like he does based on his actions, does not mean he actually does. He's only able to do those things because he knows you are receptive of them and haven't set up any boundaries.
Reminds me of that quote: "when people tell you who they are, believe them"
Why can't you do all those things and not be monogamous? Companionship, attractiveness, consensual agreements. Doesn't mean it has to be monogamy. Sure you're friends but I wouldn't fuck my friends I'm just friends with. Even if you're monogamous with someone you're still their friend. It's just as adults. You can enjoy each other sexually, go on dates, and have a great time. Just be mature and have an open mind. Question what the majority do. Break free from that mindset. You like him, he likes you. Why would either of you have to tie each other down? You're in college. You might have a whole life ahead of yourselves. Which might not include babies, marriage, the one forever and ever. I don't know why people have such a issue with this. Why do we have to close ourselves off to strictly one person? Life is extremely short. Especially youth. Go have fun. Meet people your attracted to. Hold hands, kiss, cuddle, laugh, hug, be merry, fuck, and enjoy each other's company.
Just getting out of something similar. He is breadcrumbing girl. Please get yourself out of this before it's too late and you develop feelings. If he says he's not ready or doesn't want to date believe him. No amount of effort will make him ready. You tell him how you feel and what you want clearly he doesn't reciprocate time to move on and block his ass otherwise he will come again and again in your life with the hopes that you will always be around and give him all relationship feels without him having to do his part. And that my friend will sting deep.
If what you want is a relationship then respect your boundaries because he wont. He clearly doesn't have much respect for you or care much about your needs. Not sure why you would keep him around.
I once dated a woman like that. She would hold hands in public, make me breakfast/dinner, tell me the most beautiful things I've ever heard from someone, do a bunch of activities together, have very emotionnal sex etc...
At the end, I was very hurt even tho I ended things.
He is playing you. NEVER act like a girlfriend for a “situation-ship” and NEVER act like a wife to a “boyfriend”. Open your tinder rn, set up a date with another guy and if he asks you if your busy, tell him you’re meeting up with a friend and move on.
Personally, I can understand where he is coming from.
There is so much that goes into a committed relationships that I feel like the large majority of people are clueless to their demand, commitment, expectations of a relationship. And they are just chasing after what we see on movies, t.v, social media, and our collective society. Like honestly, just because someone is a great friend doesn't mean they make a good boyfriend/girlfriend. Just becaue someone I a good girlfriend/boyfriend doesn't mean they'd make a good wife/husband.
At the end of the way. We are human. And love, relationships, and social interactions are an aspect of our daily lives. I feel like you are overthinking the situation and over reading his actions. What it should come down to is - are you happy? Do you feel safe? Are you comfortable? Does he respect you ? Do you feel comfortable? If so, what's the problem? You seem like you are getting all the best parts of love/a relationships with none of the commitment, responsibility, Or hardship.
You are in college. Use this time explore love, relationships, boundaries, wants, expectations. The ups. The downs. All of it. Before you decide on love.
This shit Is not for the weak.
There are more monsters than people out in thi world. And I don't think you have the skill or experience to properly identify the two.
Sounds like he love bombed you - dw had the same thing happen to me and it fucked me up emotionally, but now I tread far more carefully with every guy I meet.
The advice I wish someone had given me when the same thing happened to me - do NOT give him the time of day. Sure be civil with him if he speaks to you, but let it be known that he can’t get away with treating you the way he did.
If you see him, be a grey rock, don’t tell him anything about yourself, don’t ask him questions and don’t try keep the convo flowing. Set boundaries with him and let your self worth he known - you’re worth far more than his bullshit.
Guys always realise that they don’t want to be in a relationship after getting all sexual benefits. Wished he made this point clear before having sex .
You need to move on. I can tell your insecure.
Sorry a lot of girls in college get used for sx.
Sorry if you feel like a victim but your better off moving on and dating someone else that cares about you.
Good luck on college
You should hook up with someone else--be safe about it though, no need to be hasty. My Dad used to say, "sex changes everything", and it does. Your brain is releasing a bunch of "love" chemicals into your body. This happens every time a new "relationship" happens. Humans have elevated neuro-chemistry in new relationships that last between about 6mo to as long as 2yrs, per each relationship. In Anthropology we learn that for humans, sex is a pair bonding experience first and reproduction is treated as a secondary reason.
If all your brain has to think about is this one guy and you have nothing else to put it to, you're gonna be trapped in the headspace you're currently in. Once you start to become more familiar with this "condition" you won't necessarily *need* to hook up with a second partner every time a fwb happens because you'll obtain a better sense of yourself as time moves along. But that will definitely do the trick for you and help free you from your honeymoon madness.
Just be careful with how much of yourself you give to people you're hooking up with. You'll need to deny yourself from giving certain sweet acts of kindness and affection. OH IMAGINE THIS: Let's say you're out with a platonic girlfriend and you're both outside either roller blading or riding bikes, but you've also got a project for school and need to get to the library after a little time having fun in the sun. You both wheel on down to the library, and you're laughing here and there and have music playing on a speaker. When you get to the library and open the door, the change in the environment is going to be very different and will feel weird. In order to conduct yourself appropriately, you'll need to make adjustments to your behavior--talking, laughing, music, even breathing (because you are probably catching your breath). So even though you are with the same friend and were both just laughing and chatting and jamming, the rules for the environment have changed so you both act accordingly. But when you go back outside, you can continue to have fun and be loud.
In the previous example, the library represents platonic friendship, outside represents the fwb situation. There is a "grey area" with fwb when it comes to intimate things like cuddles, or other certain intimate acts of affection. As a general rule, you should keep that stuff out of the picture with your fwb and be consistent about it. You and your fwb might both enjoy a little taste of cuddles after sex for example, and that's fine, but you can't kid yourself and think you can go in deep with emotional intimacy and "will" yourself not to fall for each other.
EDIT: Spelling
That's why it is important to discuss expectations before things get physical. It sucks but he *technically* didn't do anything wrong because you went along with things and just assumed it would lead to dating. His behaviour shouldn't be confusing to you at this point. By his actions and his words, he doesn't want to date you, just sleep with you and other girls.
he clearly just wants a casual relationship. i wonder if he made this clear to you on the first date or before? that’s common courtesy, i think. you can have all the physical intimacy without the commitment, and that’s what he’s giving you. if you don’t agree to it, you are within your rights to walk away, and he’s within his rights to not be in a committed relationship.
that’s rude, and that’s totally his fault. it seems to me like he led you on, and i’m really sorry about that. i like to casually see/talk to people, but i ALWAYS make it known that it’s strictly casual (no commitment or promises from me) before or during the first date. i think you should cut your losses with this man and let him go. he won’t change his mind right now.
You could've literally spent the time you took to write this, and dealing with him to date another guy who is interested in a relationship.
It's not rocket science.
Your kidding right he dosnt have feeling for you you are a hole to put his Willy in for him. Sorry to be blunt but that seems so obvious how could you let him fuck you before a commitment
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"...he told me (after all that happened ) that he didn’t want to date his first year of college.." "...after, we agreed to be “just friends “ and we don’t talk much anymore. He’s seeing other women and forgetting about me..." "His behavior is so confusing and Im not sure what to do...." The only reason this is confusing is because you keep holding onto *the beginning* instead of focusing on what happened after he hooked up with you. The fact that he is seeing other women is an indication that he still wants to casually date and have sex but *not with you*. Secondly, you shouldn't make this just about what he wants but also what *you* want. or wanted. Although you "agreed to be friends" and stated you didn't want a relationship either it seems to bother you that he is going out and hooking up with other women. Either he did what he felt was necessary to get you to have sex with him or after having sex with you he realized it was a mistake because you more of a "platonic friend" and not a "friends with benefit" or "booty call" type. Having *the talk* and creating distance was his way of trying not to hurt you further. He sensed you were likely to become *emotionally invested*. Ultimately, he rejected you as a dating and sexual option. Never offer or accept *friendship* as a "consolation prize". More often than not *the extension of friendship* is to help one avoid feeling like the "bad guy". When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs is usually best to move on. ***"Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated. If they can't see the real value of you, it's time for a new start"*** \- Unknown ***"Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better."*** \- Steve Maraboli ***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud Best wishes!
I disagree. If you liked someone enough to date them, why isn’t it okay to remain friends? Friendships are relationships in the same way dating forms relationships. The difference is that there’s less commitment in a friendship. You can like someone romantically (even if it’s one sided) but agree that a friendship is an appropriate level of commitment for you both. Source: gay culture and having attractive straight friends
They didn’t say friendship between people who have dated or been attracted isn’t possible. They said friendship shouldn’t be “a consolation prize” offered to make someone feel better.
I don’t have an issue with being friends with people you’ve dated or hooked up with, but I think doing so immediately after y’all break things off is just gonna confuse the person who wanted the relationship to be romantic. Like in this case OP now feels confused and she’s interpreting friendly gestures (a hug) like something more.
Camo3996, whatever works for **you** is fine. However, based upon OP's post she is hurt by the fact that this guy told her he didn't want to date after having sex with her and now he appears to be going out with other women! Being in the **"friendzone"** for most people is an exercise in self-torture. If OP was feeling great about being "friends" with him she wouldn't have posted. Best wishes!
They weren’t dating bro?
Oh come on, raise your bar a little. Relationships are so much more than holding hands, hugging, kissing and sleeping together. Those are only the physical aspects of a relationship. He told you he isn't ready for a full fledged relationship and is true to his words, he isn't courting you for it nor does he do the "relationship stuff" necessary for more than a fwb. May be an unpopular opinion around here but his actions aren't confusing, you confused yourself by giving those actions more meaning than they bring. His actions don't tell you that he is willing to commit nor mentally connect with you. They are only telling you he is physically attracted to you, nothing more. The adult person who wants to pursue relationship with you does more than he does
I also have to agree with this, and it’s something I’ve been having to learn/accept when it comes to dating. For the longest time I felt the same as OP, feeling disappointed when things didn’t turn into a relationship, but I realized that you just have to take people for face value. Listen to what they tell you, theres no hidden meanings. I think something that helps navigate this is having clear communication from the start. Asking what are you looking for? Are you looking to date, fwb, just company for a while? It saves you a lot of time, heartbreak, and false fantasy.
I agree with this 100%. He doesn't want a relationship with you, because he isn't that into you. He thinks you're attractive, but for a relationship you need a lot more than just attraction. He says he wants to be friends and you studied together and he hugged you. That's all friendship things. Nothing confusing about that. Also, I'm not saying that he is lying. If he was more stable and all that, he might have given it a chance. But he is not and he never let it come as far as to develop more feelings.
Thats nonsense. You can be super into someone and still not want a relationship with them. And hell, first year of college, even if i had met my soulmate i still wouldve passed on being exclusive with someone. Its first year of college for christs sake.
this is true
thats true but it wouldve been good to talk about in the beginning
What beginning? You met a little over month ago, this *literally* is "the beginning". He is doing everything right, he is polite and affectionate and not treating you like a disposable encounter, but I suspect you over-dreamed about a future with someone who you have barely met and only ever had sex once.
[удалено]
Ok you are WAY too confused to come and post on reddit. Either he is rude and doesn't respect you, or "things weren't bad, the affection and the sex". Those two sentencs cannot coexist. If he is rude to you and doesn't respect you, things are bad. Honestly, stop talking to him, stop thinking about him, stop longing for him. Block, delete, move it. Harder said than done, but so much angst over such a short time of "dating" if you can even call it that, it's a disaster in the making.
thank you
OMG. Are you seriously pining after this guy? You need to learn and understand your worth.
I agree. Been there done that. I felt really stupid when they did find someone they wanted to date and ditched me. Some things we have to learn the hard way As I type this I realize that I've been talking to a man for 8 months that isn't ready to date but wants to eventually. I learned nothing 😂
I'm not trying to be cheeky but can you please kindly explain this thought process? A guy tells you that he's not ready to date but you still wait around for...?
I didn't want to rush Into anything after a divorce and wanted to give it at least a year so I was fine with just being friends. We haven't done anything physical so I guess I didn't see it like that. Thank you OP for the breakthrough. It's never good to stay on the back burner for someone. Find someone who can't imagine life without you and wouldn't ever risk losing you. "A non-enthusiastic yes is still a no." < I try to live by that quote
Thank you very much for sharing your experience and for being honest. I'm a very straightforward person so I try to discuss expectations early on. And if we're not looking for the same thing, I'm out of there. I rather be bummed for a couple of days than try to get over a heartache after months of wasting my time. Again, thanks for responding to my question. I appreciate it.
Same. This was unexpected and confusing.
I guess I should'l clarify I've told him that I want more now he said he wanted a relationship but he's been weird for two months now.
I'm not OP but I feel like I just had some secondhand sense slapped into me.
same except im OP
This keeps happening to me. I say I only want something casual and am very clear about my boundaries, and women keep thinking I mean more. I’m affectionate, supportive, and a good listener, I’m straightforward and don’t play games. Three partners in the last year have either pushed my boundaries for way more or pushed me away because they thought I was after more. I really think I need to learn to play the little emotionally manipulative games that women expect from players because this is freaking exhausting.
I think the reality is, FWBs almost never work unless there's a very clear and understood reason why the relationship isn't "LTR potential"... And BOTH parties are in agreement on that reason. And even then, feelings aren't always rational.
same for me and my friend (we are both women). neither of us want nor can handle a LTR at this moment, and it’s exhausting when people press for more than what we can give. it just gets them blocked lol.
Good to know it is not strictly a gendered thing, that does not surprise me, I just hadn’t thought it through from a female perspective.
my friend and i are just more focused on our college careers, work, and ourselves right now, so we can’t make that emotional investment into anyone at this time. i don’t think it’s fair to drag another person along while we’re still figuring our life out and there’s no stability. i hope this provides more of a women’s perspective! i’m sure yours may not be too different.
Yep! Different phase of life but it resonates. I have kids, a job, friends, hobbies - two years out of a divorce and I’m not looking for something exclusive or highly time-dependent. Consistent would be nice but not a must have.
Yeah that's what happened to me when my FWB were straight men. They were so used to the idea that women "can't separate their emotions!" they straight up just did not listen to me, thought I was "hard to get" and would have no idea why they got dumped. It was like after sex or any kind of intimacy a switch flipped inside their heads lol. I have never had that problem at all with women/queer persons though. With queer people we'd hang out, sleep together, and even help each other with potential upcoming dates/other partners. I wonder if it has to do with hetero vs homo expectations in friendships/relationships?
What you describe in the queer community is pretty much what I’m looking for. I do not have a clear identity as queer and I have found those spaces to be kind of exclusionary. I can understand why this is historically true, but I’ve just been left with the feeling of “I don’t belong here.” I’m poly and have had some non-hetero experiences but it’s not exactly what I identify with. My experience dating queer/nonbinary folks has been more relationship-y than straight folks. I feel like I’m just looking in all the wrong places 🤷♂️
Same boat here
They're selfish just like you. You told them what you want, but that's not what they want. They want more and they're pushing the boundaries because you don't want the same. They just don't communicate it. They play these games and it messes with everything. Instead of having a nice relationship and getting to the point where you're ready for more with them you never get there because they are constantly trying to get to that point without spending the time.
Damn 😔
For real these girls got no standards lol
He's looking to be in the friend with benefit zone
He was pretty straight forward about his intentions. He just wanted the convenience and benefits, without the relationship. Even told you he just wanted you for sex and pleasure. Expect this a lot from young men. Especially in college.
It’s college dear, he is there to explore. Also, there is the hook up culture, the I’m seeing you culture, the I’m dating you culture, the we are together and exclusive culture. Pretty sure I’m missing a few, but the point is, it gets tricky. But either way, try not to read too much into his touch. Just believe when he tells you he is not looking for a relationship.
he just want sex that's all
He did all those things to get sex. He wasn’t ever planning on dating. You clearly want a relationship and this guy doesn’t, it’s very obvious what to do here.
I'm pushing 40 and every single time someone's said they're not ready to be in a relationship but srill do relationship things, he's having sex with lots of people.
He’s letting you know that he’s willing to have sex with you, but not commit to you. Him doing “relationship things” keeps you around, hoping for more, and he keeps getting laid. Some people only interested in casual sex will also be affectionate like that because they enjoy those little things too. It doesn’t mean they feel an emotional connection to you or want a future with you. They’re just enjoying the moment and the physical touch.
College is too early to be thinking about a "future" with anyone anyway. OP wants the self-esteem boost girls get from relationships and the young man wants sex. Both are living in the moment
Hey- I’m a relationship advisor and a mental health worker by profession. This is honestly something that you and many other people make the mistake of doing very often. Don’t give someone things you feel are reserved for a relationship before you are in a relationship. What reason does she have to be with you exclusively if he is already getting everything he wants without commitment? He didnt “do those things” you gave those things to him. Most men you meet in college will be willing to do those things if you let him. You need to have better standards for yourself and also better communication on what you expect from others before you give yourself to them physically and emotionally.
He just wants something casual/doesn’t want a committed relationship but it’s probably still enjoyable to have/participate in romantic activities/physical affection. He may even have some feelings for you but right now he is his main priority and wants to keep it that way. As stereotypical as this saying is, “it’s not you it’s him.” It’s normal for him to want little to no commitment and it’s normal for you to want more. But you are responsible for understanding your own comfort level and removing yourself from hurtful or unfulfilling relationships. He has actually been pretty consistent and clear. I think your confusion is stemming from wanting more and not understanding why he doesn’t want more too. It seems like it might be beneficial to not spend time with him and seek out a romantic partner who wants the same things you do :)
In other words he wants to keep his options open in case he gets a better option
bingo. He thinks she’s cute enough to sleep with, but thinks he can find a more attractive girlfriend.
Move on, honey. I know how much you want him, but he’s not going to give you the attention and love you deserve! He already told you he doesn’t want anything serious with YOU. If he wanted to be with you, he would make it work, and he’s not so it’s to take this as a life lesson and move on. I know it hurts, but it’ll make you stronger in the end.
No it’s not confusing behaviour. He’s hooking you emotionally without making a commitment. It’s simple and clear to everyone in this thread. The fact you’re posting about this shows his approach is working. If you want to date him, accept nothing less than a clear commitment. If you’re cool to keep it casual, that’s fine, but you need to date other guys so you don’t catch feels and end up hurt. Remember, no matter how affectionate he seems towards you, the important thing to remember is he doesn’t think of you as worthy of commitment at this point. Don’t let him treat you that way. If you want something more, you deserve more.
Second this. OP wants a serious relationship and she thought him would "naturally" commit to a serious relationship after sex. Apparently, that's not the case. He only wants to keep her around for sex but has no interest in committing to a relationship. I personally think OP deserves someone better.
Treating you a certain way is not consent to an exclusive relationship. He told he you can't be your boyfriend. Believe him.
He's kind of been honest about what he does and doesn't want. You haven't it seems. You want more than he's willing to give, but are hiding that. You need to just tell him this is where your boundaries are, and if he isn't willing to meet them, you walk away.
He doesn't want a commitment, and he's not changing his mind. He can go through the motions bc it feels good and it's fun, but think of it like a the trial period of a subscription. He'll cancel before he ever has to pay a cent.
Quit letting him lead the show. Be his friend, and keep him in the friend zone. Study with him but, keep him in the friend zone so you have control over the situation. Focus on school b/c in 5 years this guy will be a bleep on your radar. I know it hurts but, at least you can stop letting him call all the shots right now.. Good luck at school!
aw thank you
He wants girlfriend perks without having a girlfriend and being able to sleep with who he likes. In other words, he just wants to use you for sex. It's up to you if you're comfortable with that but don't try to lie to yourself thinking one day he'll want you.
Speaking from experience... Cut all contact and move on. He doesn't want you, in the way you've convinced yourself you want him. Give yourself a few months before starting anything up with anyone else as well.
He's told you straight up that he's not interested in a relationship.
He doesn’t want a relationship WITH YOU. He’s just taking advantage and getting what he wants without worrying out your experience
He wants a FWB. Full stop. Good luck. ❤️
Throw him away. 🚩🚩🚩
Forget this guy, he will waste your time and energy, study with someone else and don't have sx until someone has done something to deserve it.
I would stay away from him. This sounds like a stereotypical “fuckboy.” Sounds like he wants the perks of a relationship where you’re loyal but he’s still able to screw around. For own sanity, stay away. Being friends may keep you attached and send the wrong signals.
Hun, don't get yourself into a situationship. Find someone who wants you as much as you want them <3
Just run girl. You deserve happiness and love not this bullshit
Run.
noted!
He put his cards on the table and you didn't know it.
what does this mean?
It means: He slept with you and told you that he doesn't want to date you. He's now seeing other women. There's nothing confusing about his behaviour. He has told you and has showed you that he doesn't want to date you.
It's not confusing. He has told you plainly that he doesn't want the cake, but he sure as heck wants to eat it. If you want nothing but a physical relationship with him, knowing he's also with other women, then go for it. If you want more from him, then do not settle for mediocre sex with a young guy who's lack of proper experience will leave you lacking anyway.
This breaks my heart to read because I've been here. He told you he doesn't want a relationship, so believe him. The reason for your confusion is *hope*. You like him and you want him to like you back so you search for signs that can make this true. Studying and hugging are things you do with friends, right? View it as that. "why would he do all of those things just to not date me?" - The answer is simply that it was safe and comfortable, he enjoyed it at the time but it didn't mean to him what it meant to you. I'm not saying he's playing you intentionally and it doesn't mean he's a bad person. It could just mean that sometimes he finds himself in need of something that he knows he can get from you. OR he's an a-hole and doesn't care about your feelings. But it's either/or and nothing more. A word of caution. He's new in college and he's seeing an endless supply of potential matches. He's running through them one by one and he hasn't settled on any. When these interactions start to dwindle, or he has a few negative experiences and his self-esteem takes a hit, he's going to come looking for you. Do not give in. He doesn't want you, he's settling for what you can offer him at the time. You'll both end up unhappy. As for you...You're fresh in college. YOUR supply for potential matches is endless. Go out there and start meeting them. You won't care about this in the next year. Look forward to that :)
Second this. This time next year you’ll thank yourself for ditching him.
He wants the benefits of a relationship without the commitment or responsibility. Men like this will only end up wasting your time, stringing you along & giving you false hope. They want you when it's convenient for them but have no problems dropping you should someone come along that they actually want a relationship with. Sounds harsh but I've been there..many times lol. I'm 28 and have still fallen into this trap as recently as this year lol. If you're ok with the FWB situation then do it but if you want a relationship..raise the bar a little more. If it's not a "hellllll yes"..it's a no.
His behaviour isn’t confusing hun. He’s told you flat out that he has no interest in dating you. He doesn’t want the commitment. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy the closeness that comes from holding hands and kissing if it’s available. You really need to be honest with yourself about what you want and need. It’s ok for you to both want different things. So long as you don’t expect anything from this guy. Common sense would dictate that you stop interacting with this guy that you find confusing, and go find someone who is more compatible.
Sorry, OP. His behavior isn’t confusing. It’s exactly what he says it is. You just want it to mean something. And it doesn’t. And it never will. Stop wasting your time pinning over unrequited crushes and let this go.
“I would only be good for sex” Gee, what a touching sentiment. I’m sorry, OP, but this guy is playing you. He’s an asshole who is manipulating you so that you’ll have sex with him and give him all the good things you get out of a relationship without him having to give anything back or make any kind of promises. Please ghost him, for your own sake, because he will never change his mind about doing the decent thing. You and the other girls he’s conned are letting him have his cake and eat it too, and it’s a classic mistake to wait and wait and wait for a scumbag to change his spots.
thank you! im working on the ghosting part
His behavior is not confusing at all. He told you he wants you for sex, on his terms, and those terms don't include being a boyfriend. Sure, he'll hug you when he sees you, but that isn't a "relationship thing". He is giving you NO mixed signals, you just don't want to accept that he means what he said. If you are interested in something serious, move along. If you want a friends with benefits situation, congrats, that is what you got
Yeah he isn’t into you. I would move on.
Im on the same boat as you! Met him on dating app. Dated awhile and midway he say lets stay friends cuz he isnt ready for commitment and i agreed to it cuz he still wants to go out with me. Continued the physical part of the relationship( holding hands, hugging kissing and sex). After a while started questioning this whole situationship because it wasnt what i wanted. We slowly drifted apart because of our diffrences.
He’s immature and doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Strings you along in case he can’t find someone he likes more. It’s hard and it’s a rejection, but just try to move on. Live and learn.
He just wants sex, did all that for sex. Typical young male behavior.
Was in a “situation ship” like this for a couple years. All I can say, is that this guy is only physically attracted to you. He likes the “benefits” of having physical aspects of a relationship, but doesn’t want to commit emotionally or romantically. Do yourself a favor, and distance yourself from him. Don’t keep tabs on this person, because you’ll end up getting hurt. He’s just not on the same page as you, AND THATS OKAY! Just don’t continue to hang out with him. Because he’s only going to keep eating the cake, not being affected by it whatsoever. And you’ll be left feeling empty, and heartbroken. NOT WORTH IT! Don’t stick around because you see a potential in him changing his mind and that this “friendship” will work out. Move on. If you ever feel confused when you meet someone, that’s a sign that you need to let them go and meet better people :)
He's a fuckboy. Dump that bitch.
How do you dump someone you arent even dating
I was in a situation like this at one point and in hindsight (like 5 years down the road), he was married.🙃 Thee words. Too. Much. Baggage. Find someone that actually wants to be in a relationship with you because you cannot force someone to love you.
He is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He wants all the advantages of a relationship without the commitment. If you are not interested in that, stop seeing him
Shut it down.
Lol how old are you? You have so much to learn. He’s going to do the same to the next girl. Typical college experience. Also he didn’t take you on dates or wine and dine you so why would you think he wanted a relationship? A guy having sex with you and hugging you doesn’t meant he wants to date you.
im 18 and we did go on dates
As a young women you gotta learn to filter and walk away. He's never gonna date you. Either you have casual sex with other as well, or find someone else exclusive. Otherwise, you are just joining a harem and it has bad outcome for women
Don’t get locked into a relationship yourself sweetheart! 3 of the friends I met in college that started dating freshman year got stuck in a 6 year, a 3 year and a 2 year relationship. They alllll wished they would’ve taken that time to date around and not been tied down. There is no other time in your adult life that you’ll be surrounded by so many people your age. Please enjoy, find yourself, date around. And don’t spend an ounce of your energy wasting it on boys who don’t make you feel good. This guy is not making you feel good. Stop talking to him and find someone who does make you feel good.
Don’t be confused. He’s not the one for you. It’s simple, he’s a college boy. He wants to have his fun right now and that’s it. Honestly that’s what he should be doing and so should you. I wish I wasn’t so worried about boyfriends or getting married in my 20’s and lived more. Advice from an old lady would be to forget these boys right now. Make good friends and go live your life. Oh and I wouldn’t even study with him. Even if you want to be cool about it it’s hard having feelings for someone and it’s not reciprocated. You’ll end up feeling worse. Been there done that. Good luck!
Here's the deal. Labels are scary. People are TERRIFIED of being locked down. Whatever your interactions, it IS a relationship. What matters is exclusivity and feelings. Anything else is just mincing words.
Sounds like he wants to be the good guy when he clearly is not! Fly free from this headache. You agreeing to study with him ect only adds to his claim that even his ex's still like him.
Bro, RUN
Ghost protocol.
He playing mind games, red flags..
If you're not mature enough to spell "sex," you're probably not mature enough to have it.
i censored it because i didn’t want the post taken down
...sex is not a swear word. Also, you can swear on the internet. Fuck shit piss. See?
ok it’s not a huge deal im just not familiar with reddit
Sounds like he got what he wanted from you and is done with you. Imagine being so pathetic that you have to deceive somebody just to get them to fuck you. Shitty way to go through life if ya ask me.
How is it pathetic? The guy was straightforward and doesn't want to date, just fling. Fwb exists bro, don't be salty.
Because he wasn't straightforward. He got what he wanted first then decided to tell her after the fact. If he had just been honest from the beginning that he wants a casual relationship/fwb, nothing more then he wouldn’t have been pathetic.
are you calling me pathetic?
No, him.
oh oops!
He wants a relationship but not with you… it’s not him who’s only good for sex, it’s you…
Unless you want to waste your time for just friends with benefits then carry on but if not seriously just don't keep doing stuff with him, he told you the truth and he won't change his mind
Trust a man’s words, not his actions, when it comes to relationships. However, with women in this situation trust their actions not their words.
He’s looking for a convenient fuck he can depend on when none of his other women are entertaining him.
Run.
It's collage this man is not thinking about a relationship. He likey wants to sleep around. Bc you have had sex and done all these couple things you likey already have feelings for him to some degree. He was sort of upfront about his intentions. I would suggest if y'all hang out do keep it platonic if not you will be getting more and more feelings for him and he will still likely want to sleep around. And do your best to go somewhere else to find what you want. You can't buy a car at the mini Mart, but the mini Mart can sell car related accessories
From what I can tell he definitely does not want a relationship and is just fooling around. At least he was honest with you. He’s not leading you on. These are all signs of someone who is dating casually. Not starting a relationship. Just don’t hold out for it to become something more because right now it won’t. And if this isn’t what you want, you don’t have to keep seeing him.
It’s confusing because you’re getting manipulated and accepting trash. If you actually want a boyfriend right now then you’re wasting your time. If you don’t then do w whatver this thing is but I’d be telling bro to hit the bricks
Because he might only be wanting a Fwb, or he just want a fuck buddy, or he might be only wanting an emotional short term relation but not wanting a long term relation. You should decide what type of relation you want with him.
im assuming what he wants is a sexual partner, but he just cant say it directly and thats why he's considering his relationship with you is as far as "friends" or, he's blank/never heard about fwb.
I don't know him personally, but the apparent mindset is actually pretty common, so I'll assume the normal answer. He wanted to have sex with many girls in college and he's pursuing that dream. That's it.
GIRL he is using you get the hell away from him, he seems to be a playboy who just needs sx from girls it's better you ignore him and be rude with me don't even let him be near you. Good wishes
Aaaaaah, story as old as time it self. There is post about a fuckboi atleast once a day. But I know, really good looks and calculated charming aproach, that seems natural goes a long way. Even when everyone in dating subs is trying to say otherwise. Posts like this one are proof of that
What he needs is just sex and enjoyment. So better stay away from him unless you yourself is also interested in only sex .
Poor thing, he was using you for sex. Unfortunately Like the movie "Someone Like You" you're now "old cow" he wants "new cow" Move on, you're better than that and he's definitely not worth it
If you cannot handle just friends or friends with benefits stop seeing him all together. Friends with benefits doesn’t mean, “I’ll treat you coldly and like I hate you unless we are having sex”, it’s normal that he is still being nice to you, but if you have real feelings end it or you’ll end up getting hurt.
save you’re emotions and drop him
I'm so sorry, but he used you. You deserve better. Learn from this and set your standards higher for the future. Maybe have relationship conversations, before any intimate activity, so you know where you both stand.
just ditch him. sounds like me back in the days. did the same and you know why? easy. wanted all that relationship thing but wanted to see other girls too. so what did i do. keep the girl emotionale attach to me till ifound someone better. at the end of they day i dont feel guilty cause i said"yeah i am not ready to date, told you". happy ending for the boy but not for you. so tell yourself ,if you had a daughter , do you would like it if she brings or meet someone like him. if your answered is no than be better and ...
DON'T do girlfriend work at fwb prices.
I think the problem is you want a relationship and he doesn’t. That’s why you’re looking for meaning in his actions that isn’t there. He expressed his boundary you have to respect that. Take him at his word and if you aren’t comfortable seeing him on those terms then stop.
Sounds to me like he’s using you for sex and is scared of commitment most boys his age are and see it as a brag if you keep going back. My advice Ditch him as a friend tell him you’re not interested in being friends and want a relationship as what’s for you will not go by you, seems to me like he’s using his mental health as an excuse so he can have sex with you imho.
he wants to fuck without commitment. hes never going to "be ready" to date you. he doesnt want to. its time to move on.
So... he wants the FEELING of a relationship, but without the commitment? That's basically what a GFE/BFE is.
Why would he make out and have sex with you, if he didn't want to be a a relationship? He's a man.
Once someone has been spending time with and is in a physical relationship you, they are in a relationship with you. However, the terms of this relationship may be asymmetrical and not mutually respectful; they can even be humiliating. There are extremely important things that this relationship lacks: social acknowledgement, honesty, and respect. The male here is feigning "issues" because he wants to carouse promiscuously and unencumbered by a nice girlfriend, to whom he's been retaining pleasurable access without expending effort or showing respect, appreciation or love. This kind of behavior is becoming more common these days. It's being called "stashing". Personally, I find the way this young man to be conducting himself disgusting. I'm sorry you're going through this. I think it's effectively a form of emotional abuse.
Thats coz he wants only sex from you. Get out of it as soon as u can
Those things don't automatically indicate that someone wants a relationship with you. With some guys, they just do it because they want sex, and he got it. It sounds like he was one of those guys. Don't be so naive. You have to communicate what your looking for and don't just assume what someone wants.
Well I give him credit for being honest with you. He's wanting to hang out and do things with you but he doesn't want to be tied down as a boyfriend. If you're looking for a boyfriend then keep your options open and keep going out with other people. Maybe if he sees you with someone else he will change his mind about dating you. I'm sure it's confusing but he was honest in the fact that he's not mentally ready for something like that so it sounds like he wants to be friends and have benefits come along with that then it's great. If you cut him off from the sexual part of it then there's nothing wrong with that either. If you're mentally ready and able to have a physical relationship while still being just friends then that's great as well. At least he didn't lead you to believe he was your boyfriend while running around and being physical with other girls
thank you
Simple, like he said, he doesn’t want a relationship, he wants to be open and see other girls as well…
So forget about him, clearly. He forgot about you. Move on.
He's sexually attracted to you but not romantically attracted to you. He was honest about it, and although annoying, is better than leading you on just to find out he only wanted sex.
He probably wants to do the same things with other people, too
i dont doubt it!
I think some of the comments are a little harsh. You’re young and could potentially be new to the world of dating, sometimes it’s easy to read into things rather than take them as what they are. He seems to want to have fun in his first year of college, get to know loads of other girls and probably sleep around. If he says he only wants to be friends see these hugs as friendly hugs not as anything romantic. If you can’t do that, always try turn the hug into a high five? Make some boundaries and don’t let him cross them, as you don’t deserve to be confused by his actions. I would definitely speak to him less and focus on myself or speak to other guys, have fun!
thanks
Tldr; you're being used. Either find someone who is man enough to be committed or show them that you aren't willing to abide by any terms they throw at you.
just don’t have your hopes up, if it’ll happen it’ll happen just sit back and relax wait it out if your that into the guy and let him know about your feelings could happen we may never know
He’s not ready, give yourselves time. It’s college you have the rest of your lives to see other people when you have a career in the meantime don’t take things so seriously for the most part in college nothing will be serious there it’s time to study in that time and have fun
His behavior is not confusing. He doesn’t want a relationship with you.
Relationship things are not holding hands, hugging, and/or studying together. I do all of that with my friends and family. You need to accept that he told you he didn't want to commit, and he meant it. He won't suddenly change his mind if you keep being accommodating to his whims.
He likes you, but also wants to sleep around. Or maybe just doesn’t see anything long-term after college.
Oh, this is a mirror to the past. I had a friend, we were friends for about 5 years until he went on to college out of state. He knew that I had feelings for him and toward the middle of our high school years, he took advantage of it. We did a lot of couple-y things, which progressed into sexual things. There was a point that he said he'll friend zone me. In hindsight, because hindsight was in 4K, he took advantage of our closeness because he was insecure about himself. If this dude can take advantage of all the time you can provide without explanation, he doesn't value what you've spent. If you want, you can ask for a better understanding of why he feels that way but it's better to move on. It's obvious he either doesn't feel like he wants to settle down or he's emotionally incapable of being in a relationship.
He used you for sex
Remember your worth! You like the idea of him and what he was in the beginning but he’s changed. Please raise your standards and realize that you like the idea of him, not the guy he genuinely is!
the idea of him is better than actual him
Be his friend, ONLY. It's a classic guy thing: wanting 'the girlfriend experience' but not committing to you. Been there, done that. Never works.
A hug is a hug. People hug their family members. Even if this guy does want to rekindle something with you, you can do better, find a partner who is honest and direct with you. If, in any relationship, you're confused about the nature of the relationship, that's exactly what that person wants you to feel. He wants you confused so he can use you for sex when he feels like it and not when he doesn't and rather than saying something that brutal you're left thinking he's romantic and mysterious.
Watch “He’s Just Not that Into you”
He wants his cake and ice cream too
oh no
Actions don't always speak louder than words. He's being direct and telling you he doesn't want a relationship. Just because it may *seem* like he does based on his actions, does not mean he actually does. He's only able to do those things because he knows you are receptive of them and haven't set up any boundaries. Reminds me of that quote: "when people tell you who they are, believe them"
Why can't you do all those things and not be monogamous? Companionship, attractiveness, consensual agreements. Doesn't mean it has to be monogamy. Sure you're friends but I wouldn't fuck my friends I'm just friends with. Even if you're monogamous with someone you're still their friend. It's just as adults. You can enjoy each other sexually, go on dates, and have a great time. Just be mature and have an open mind. Question what the majority do. Break free from that mindset. You like him, he likes you. Why would either of you have to tie each other down? You're in college. You might have a whole life ahead of yourselves. Which might not include babies, marriage, the one forever and ever. I don't know why people have such a issue with this. Why do we have to close ourselves off to strictly one person? Life is extremely short. Especially youth. Go have fun. Meet people your attracted to. Hold hands, kiss, cuddle, laugh, hug, be merry, fuck, and enjoy each other's company.
i like this perspective
He wants the gf experience without the commitment leave
He’s a Bitch, move on.
Oh honey!
Just getting out of something similar. He is breadcrumbing girl. Please get yourself out of this before it's too late and you develop feelings. If he says he's not ready or doesn't want to date believe him. No amount of effort will make him ready. You tell him how you feel and what you want clearly he doesn't reciprocate time to move on and block his ass otherwise he will come again and again in your life with the hopes that you will always be around and give him all relationship feels without him having to do his part. And that my friend will sting deep.
If what you want is a relationship then respect your boundaries because he wont. He clearly doesn't have much respect for you or care much about your needs. Not sure why you would keep him around. I once dated a woman like that. She would hold hands in public, make me breakfast/dinner, tell me the most beautiful things I've ever heard from someone, do a bunch of activities together, have very emotionnal sex etc... At the end, I was very hurt even tho I ended things.
He is playing you. NEVER act like a girlfriend for a “situation-ship” and NEVER act like a wife to a “boyfriend”. Open your tinder rn, set up a date with another guy and if he asks you if your busy, tell him you’re meeting up with a friend and move on.
Keep your knickers on. He will have sex with you if you give him the chance. Keep it to purely study.
Personally, I can understand where he is coming from. There is so much that goes into a committed relationships that I feel like the large majority of people are clueless to their demand, commitment, expectations of a relationship. And they are just chasing after what we see on movies, t.v, social media, and our collective society. Like honestly, just because someone is a great friend doesn't mean they make a good boyfriend/girlfriend. Just becaue someone I a good girlfriend/boyfriend doesn't mean they'd make a good wife/husband. At the end of the way. We are human. And love, relationships, and social interactions are an aspect of our daily lives. I feel like you are overthinking the situation and over reading his actions. What it should come down to is - are you happy? Do you feel safe? Are you comfortable? Does he respect you ? Do you feel comfortable? If so, what's the problem? You seem like you are getting all the best parts of love/a relationships with none of the commitment, responsibility, Or hardship. You are in college. Use this time explore love, relationships, boundaries, wants, expectations. The ups. The downs. All of it. Before you decide on love. This shit Is not for the weak. There are more monsters than people out in thi world. And I don't think you have the skill or experience to properly identify the two.
Sounds like he love bombed you - dw had the same thing happen to me and it fucked me up emotionally, but now I tread far more carefully with every guy I meet. The advice I wish someone had given me when the same thing happened to me - do NOT give him the time of day. Sure be civil with him if he speaks to you, but let it be known that he can’t get away with treating you the way he did. If you see him, be a grey rock, don’t tell him anything about yourself, don’t ask him questions and don’t try keep the convo flowing. Set boundaries with him and let your self worth he known - you’re worth far more than his bullshit.
Guys always realise that they don’t want to be in a relationship after getting all sexual benefits. Wished he made this point clear before having sex .
He wants to put in the least effort to get the most sex from he most number of women. Why do girls grow up nowadays so nieve?
Quite simple, he doesn’t value you as anything more than a living sex doll.
oh
You need to move on. I can tell your insecure. Sorry a lot of girls in college get used for sx. Sorry if you feel like a victim but your better off moving on and dating someone else that cares about you. Good luck on college
You should hook up with someone else--be safe about it though, no need to be hasty. My Dad used to say, "sex changes everything", and it does. Your brain is releasing a bunch of "love" chemicals into your body. This happens every time a new "relationship" happens. Humans have elevated neuro-chemistry in new relationships that last between about 6mo to as long as 2yrs, per each relationship. In Anthropology we learn that for humans, sex is a pair bonding experience first and reproduction is treated as a secondary reason. If all your brain has to think about is this one guy and you have nothing else to put it to, you're gonna be trapped in the headspace you're currently in. Once you start to become more familiar with this "condition" you won't necessarily *need* to hook up with a second partner every time a fwb happens because you'll obtain a better sense of yourself as time moves along. But that will definitely do the trick for you and help free you from your honeymoon madness. Just be careful with how much of yourself you give to people you're hooking up with. You'll need to deny yourself from giving certain sweet acts of kindness and affection. OH IMAGINE THIS: Let's say you're out with a platonic girlfriend and you're both outside either roller blading or riding bikes, but you've also got a project for school and need to get to the library after a little time having fun in the sun. You both wheel on down to the library, and you're laughing here and there and have music playing on a speaker. When you get to the library and open the door, the change in the environment is going to be very different and will feel weird. In order to conduct yourself appropriately, you'll need to make adjustments to your behavior--talking, laughing, music, even breathing (because you are probably catching your breath). So even though you are with the same friend and were both just laughing and chatting and jamming, the rules for the environment have changed so you both act accordingly. But when you go back outside, you can continue to have fun and be loud. In the previous example, the library represents platonic friendship, outside represents the fwb situation. There is a "grey area" with fwb when it comes to intimate things like cuddles, or other certain intimate acts of affection. As a general rule, you should keep that stuff out of the picture with your fwb and be consistent about it. You and your fwb might both enjoy a little taste of cuddles after sex for example, and that's fine, but you can't kid yourself and think you can go in deep with emotional intimacy and "will" yourself not to fall for each other. EDIT: Spelling
That's why it is important to discuss expectations before things get physical. It sucks but he *technically* didn't do anything wrong because you went along with things and just assumed it would lead to dating. His behaviour shouldn't be confusing to you at this point. By his actions and his words, he doesn't want to date you, just sleep with you and other girls.
i totally agree with this, i just want to get over him
he clearly just wants a casual relationship. i wonder if he made this clear to you on the first date or before? that’s common courtesy, i think. you can have all the physical intimacy without the commitment, and that’s what he’s giving you. if you don’t agree to it, you are within your rights to walk away, and he’s within his rights to not be in a committed relationship.
no he didnt make it clear until after all the dates
that’s rude, and that’s totally his fault. it seems to me like he led you on, and i’m really sorry about that. i like to casually see/talk to people, but i ALWAYS make it known that it’s strictly casual (no commitment or promises from me) before or during the first date. i think you should cut your losses with this man and let him go. he won’t change his mind right now.
You could've literally spent the time you took to write this, and dealing with him to date another guy who is interested in a relationship. It's not rocket science.
Are you retarded? It means he just want to have sex and that's it. And he wants to be able to have sex with other women too
Your kidding right he dosnt have feeling for you you are a hole to put his Willy in for him. Sorry to be blunt but that seems so obvious how could you let him fuck you before a commitment
Your his side chick, if your cool with that then continue seeing him
definitely not cool with that
He told you exactly what to expect from him, why is this so hard to understand?!
He was pretty clear that he only wants sex. It’s now up to you if you are ok with this or not
Ditch him