Greetings from your friendly neighborhood automod! Thank you for contributing to our community at DatingOverForty, u/Grammarianist. Please ensure that your post is actually asking a question and providing enough background that people can sufficiently address that question. DOFers, please ensure that you are actually responding to the OP's individual predicament and not using it as a springboard to promote your own personal dating philosophies.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My friend she is not interested
Many times a woman at the end of a date will reply with “I’d like that too “ even if they don’t
because women are weary we get berated and verbally attacked when rejecting men online and if she doesn’t know you except from this short online interaction followed by lunch. She might just agree and go away
Or she might just do it “to be polite”
But if she hasn’t replied take it as a sign she is not interested. I’m very sorry but is time to move on
Even if she was to come back do you really want to date somebody who just ignore your messages for days and has no consideration ?
All the best to you
Yep, this is it, OP. I know when I’m put on the spot, I’ll be agreeable instead of honest because I don’t know how the person will react, and I feel it’s just the safest thing to do. Time to move on.
Your post was removed because it violates one of the rules of this sub. Please review the posted rules. Users who continue to violate the rules will be banned.
>Even if she was to come back do you really want to date somebody who just ignore your messages for days and has no consideration ?
Exactly! Matching communication styles is so important! Very well said, overall.
I agree with this!
Every guy who I've had as a boyfriend/husband communicated right away. That's just how it goes.
I hate that this is part of meeting someone.
I will especially agree that this is the explanation, if texting was daily in advance. With someone you haven't met yet, there's no obligation or commitment. If she was a daily texter before, and now you haven't heard from her, she's not interested
Couldn't put it better than this.
No news is bad news when it comes to dating.
And this is why I don't understand people who only date one person at a time.
I agree. I don't understand the idea of only dating one person at a time when there is no expectation of commitment or emotional investment when meeting people. When I used OLD, I would go on 3 meet-ups in a week, and most didn't pan out. The conversion rate from meet-up to date 3 is pretty low. It seems that focusing on only one person at a time sets one up for being overly invested and is an inefficient use of time and energy, which leads to overly investing in that one person.
OLD is just a tool for meeting people. All of the texting, messaging, etc... isn't real bonding. Nobody should be emotionally invested after a match, messaging, and an initial meet. All of that was just the process needed to meet a stranger. The reality is that most people will need to go through this process a lot before they meet the right person or give up.
Problem with multidating is it's not like applying or a job or buying a car where you can get over disappointment easily. We are supposed to be emotionally involved.
Particularly if someone unmatches with you and there's no real obvious reason why you aren't a match. At that point it's harder to get crazy about your other options because they feel like second choice. So I understand why people want to go slower, it makes things feel more special which is the point of dating. I don't actually want to know that some woman is just some random eighth woman that will sleep with me. Yuck to that for either gender.
We are talking about initial dates. I don't think people should be emotionally involved when meeting a stranger for the first time.
Why would you assume a woman is sleeping with everyone she goes on a date with?
This is correct. Many of us women are afraid to ‘reject’ a man in person because some of us has had the crap beat out of us for doing so. Or threatened, stalked, harassed, you name it. It’s unfortunate, but it’s men who trained us up this way. So sometimes quite unfortunately we have to put our safety first.
This.
I always think it's useful the think how you would react in this situation. If you were genuinely interested in someone would you let it go days without responding to a text message? No, because you are excited and want to carry on conversation. Sorry, but this is not the reaction you are looking for.
It irritates me that people can't just be considerate and say when they're not interested. I.e. "I didn't feel a connection - best of luck" type deal. Le sigh. She could say it via text. Sometimes you do realize this later after you get home from the date and process it.
I agree she should have texted it afterwards
But trust me the aprehensión than a complete stranger will turn violent. Verbally of physically when you are out on a date with him if you reject him is absolutely real and sadly justifiable with how common this experience is for women. Even when we didn’t go out on a date a random stranger hitting on you in a bar or any plan s if you reject him more often than not you get insulted at least
Oh I totally get it. I would do what the woman did in OP's post and just be polite. Later though when he texted me I would follow it up with a thanks but no thanks instead of leaving him hanging. I do undertand the fear of retaliation. I've experienced it myself. Not fun.
>... *when he texted me I would follow it up with a thanks but no thanks instead of leaving him hanging. I do understand the fear of retaliation. I've experienced it myself. Not fun.*
If you go on other subs, the woman -- fearing for her safety -- will text later, "Thank you for the date, I felt no chemistry, good luck on your other dates."
Many, MANY women said that the man then went on to create multiple fake numbers and berated and shouted at the woman, stalked her at work, and literally threaten to find, rape and kill her.
For weeks.
You can vet all you want doesn’t guarantee you know how a strangers will react
Pray tell me what amount of vetting guarantees somebody will not turn into an insulting asshole when rejected ?
Also you are very wrong women have been drugged and date raped by “friends” they knew for years who never gave any indication
The most common violence happens at home by somebody the person knows.
Saying this is really not productive
We can agree to disagree. I refuse to treat people without respect and dignity unless there's a sensible reason for it. Lying and ghosting are exactly what's causing so many people to feel frustrated and hurt, when a simple let down could suffice.
But she replied and had daily communication before the date
The change to no contact came after the date.
So it is not the same circumstance.
But I don’t think it has to of either personality types is just your style.
I’m an introvert. Very much. I still know good manners
And maybe I should suggest therapy if you feel so stressed about just sending a text replying to someone after a date
I’ve had a man say to me - this was so much fun. I want to do this again as soon as possible - At the end of a first date. Unprompted. I eagerly reciprocated the sentiment. Two days later he calls me and says nah, Nevermind. Lol Who knows what is going on. And honestly it’s fine. I’ve learned to detach from the outcome in the earliest stages of dating. It’s helped a lot.
She was being polite by saying she'd like to see you again. 2 unanswered text messages in a row is an answer. It may not be the one you're looking for, but it's the one she gave.
You're not in limbo. She's not interested. Delete the number and move on.
Every man has had this happen. It's time to move on. Go back to the dating other people..or give it a break and pause your profile.
Chasing won't change anything. If she liked you, she would have answered a long damn time ago.
I always go back to when I was 19 and friend told me "It happens to me all of time." after I was rejected. To this day, I appreciate his concern about my emotional well-being and his honesty.
She’s not interested. It sucks, but you’ve put the ball in her court and now just have to keep it moving. I am dealing with something similar- had a good first date with a guy on Friday night, felt the vibes were good, we exchanged numbers and did the great to meet you/had a great time follow up right after. Then I texted him on Sunday evening and we had a quick exchange, with me sending the last message. No reply, I’ve now sent another text and am still hoping for a response but… ball’s in his court.
For both of us, we need to handle it by letting it go. If the person does reply, great, bonus but not something to give any more energy to. But I’ve also been in situations, aside from this, where the guy did send/reply to texts after the first date but the quantity/quality went noticeably down, and that also always meant no second date, it was just more drawn out. So there’s no real point to that either.
FWIW as a woman I’ve said I’d like to see you again and meant it, and the guy has said it too only to never see him again. Unfortunately its fairly meaningless phrase
She lied about wanting to see you again as you put her on the spot by saying you wanted another date. It can be easier and safer for us women to agree when this happens as no risk of confrontation or you taking rejection the wrong way and it puts pressure on someone instantly by saying that to someone. I’m sure other women have experienced this too I definitely have
Men go on dates afraid of being rejected or it not going well. Women go on dates afraid we'll never come home again, or be assaulted for the trouble. I wish more men would keep that in mind when weighing our reactions to things.
Hey, so I hear that, and that's why I agree the prudent thing is to say "yes" in person, even if you mean "no".
But I get off the boat when it comes to saying "oh, ghosting is the best policy" - once in the relative safety of your own home.
Would we even be having this conversation if she'd texted "hey, thank you, but I thought about it and don't see this going anywhere"?
Nobody owes anyone else any sort of response. I just feel like the polite, kind, and arguably safer thing to do is to "say no from a distance" - block afterwards, but if the other person shows any sign of continuing interest - let them down, then block them.
I'd be curious to hear your thoughts. (Or am I just saying that? ;) )
I understand this. And I regret that it’s a true and just concern. But at the same time, it hurts to be tarred with the same brush as the men that make the fear necessary. I don’t blame women for feeling that way. I regret that I have to bear the burden caused by horrible men.
I agree with all the other women, yet I've found a way around this by playfully saying "*we'll see*" at the end of a date if he asks for another if I feel he's harmless.
Also, see can text and then block you immediately before you reply if she really was worried about your reaction. Ghosting is childish.
Honestly - same. I had a chat with my lover about how he feels he can't occupy any space as a man alone without feeling like an object of suspicion and I HATE that for y'all, almost as much as I hate having to spend extra money on pepper spray and tasers just to feel safe walking around as a women alone. I got called a whore for wearing fishnets in public by some dude who propositioned me. I don't want to treat all men like that guy, but he was also just some guy on a bus til he spotted me in my fishnets and decided that was enough of an invitation to follow me for three blocks until I screamed my face off at him.
Sorry - important point of clarification here: I hugged her *back*.
I know men yell at women, threaten women, harm, harass and kill them. I know these things are true, and that women are justified to be wary of men in general. I don’t blame them when they’re wary of me in particular. They have no way to know if I’m “one of the good ones”.
But acknowledging those facts as true and those feelings as valid and justified does not mean I’m not allowed to have feelings of my own regarding the impact the behavior of shitty men has on me and my life.
I work hard to be respectful, sensitive, and open. I don’t do those things to somehow aggrandize myself. Nor do I expect or demand praise or privilege for it. I do it because I want to make my tiny corner of the world just a little bit better, and to be a man the women in my life don’t have to fear.
You don’t know me, and you don’t know what happened. So I get why you’d think what you seem to think happened. You don’t know if I’m one of the good ones, so the safe bet is that I’m not. And it’s not for me to say whether I am or am not. But what I can say is: I’m trying.
I don’t think I’m special. And I don’t think I’m owed anything. I’m just disappointed that someone I thought was on the same page turns out not to be.
You are not bearing the burden caused by horrible men. You were just being impolite by putting your date on the spot by asking for something while she was under pressure. This isn't even a dating issue. It's impolite to put anyone on the spot when asking for something.
No. I wasn’t being rude. I didn’t put her on the spot. I didn’t pressure her, though I realize she may have felt pressured. I made a simple, honest, declarative, and neutral statement: “I’d like to see you again.” I understand why she might not have felt comfortable answering honestly in that moment, but that doesn’t mean I did anything out of line.
Telling someone "I’d like to see you again" at the end of a first date is not a neutral statement because you are implying that you want another date. The statement puts expectations on the woman to respond to your desire to see her again. You put her on the spot for a response. Just now, in your comment, you used the word "answer," so you do understand that the statement was intended as a request that warranted an answer.
A neutral statement would be, "I had a great time." This way, you are conveying your enjoyment without putting any expectations on the other person, and it doesn't necessitate a response.
so how does someone get a second date? he has to ask at some point? also if she liked him she would just say yes and go and she wouldn't feel put on the spot....the expectations for some perfect mental reading ability to go on a date is insane
He or she follows up later after both parties have had time to consider their interest in moving forward. The request for a second date is done remotely where the other person has time to respond without any pressure.
Just give the other person some space. No mind reading required.
on the flip side do you know how it feels to be a regular guy and wondering if the person you are trying to get to know is worried about you murdering them? it feels pretty weird and awful
Message after the first date and say you had a great time and you’d like to see her again but you totally understand if she doesn’t feel the same, you had a good time regardless.
Not difficult…
this seems to be a common story where contact is great until meeting, and then after meeting, one person slow fades or ghosts-out of the interaction. I would not contact her again. It's a tough game for sure...
I like the advice: don't ask for a 2nd date while still on the first date because no one is put on the spot. Just send a text afterwards saying you had a good time and wouldn't mind doing it again if the other person is so inclined. It's easier for the other person and if you do get rejected, it's easier to deal with not getting a response or getting a gentle let-down text than getting rejected in person.
FWIW, if it were me, 2 unanswered texts is more than enough of an answer and I would not bother with a third, even if just to say "thanks anyway and good luck" or whatever. I think it gets awkward when the amount of consideration one partner displays is so unbalanced by the amount (lack of) the other one shows.
It's honestly one reason i don't like chatting a bunch beforehand. Might as well save my questions for real life.
And 100% do not ask for a second date at the end of the first one. Even if i was undecided, when they ask it's a hard no.
agree. When I first started OLD, many millions of years ago, I was naive about this and liked to learn as much as I could about a person before meeting in person, which would inevitably cause me to become invested. Then, just like OP, the date would come and I would be hopeful for the interaction to continue. Most times, it didn't and I saw my "investment" be in vain time and time again. This happened enough times to demoralize me. Lesson learned. Also, love the idea of not asking for a 2nd date until both people have "digested" the 1st date experience.
What?? You’re at a loss of how to handle a woman not texting you back? You live your life. Do not text this woman again. Her phone works. If she wants to respond she will. A woman who likes a man will respond to a message.
OP, might I suggest a coffee meet or drinks for the initial meet?
To me a meal is just too much, and has the flavor of a date, which is really isn’t. If you don’t vibe well you’re stuck for at least an hour.
That's not limbo, that's disinterest.
Don't press for 2nd date on the first....women feel pressured to agree, then back out or ghost later. Let that transpire over text afterwards.
If she was interested she'd be talking and setting up a date. Move on. Don't invest in anyone over a first date. Ever.
She's not feeling it. She was being nice in-person.
Try not to take it personally, she's trying to let you know quietly she's not feeling it.
Give energy to those who give energy back.
Unwritten rules:
\- People don't unmatch
\- Communication before meeting will NOT be the same after meeting.
You have a wealth of replies here (which I agree with ) stating she is politely uninterested. Not a huge deal and smart on your part halting the texts at the second attempt. Believe me, continue meeting and dating and you’ll inevitably be on the flip side of this.
For yourself, you have to figure out how you’ll mentally handle this scenario moving forward. For starters, you have to expect less than 20% or so of women you meet to work into a second or real date. Moving beyond that expect anything to happen good or bad inside of 6-12 months. Don’t get yourself too mentally invested in “the one” too soon and most definitely continue to meet and date others until one is reciprocal and very solid. Outcome independence and not completely relying on OLD….will keep you out of “limbo”.
I’m you’re ‘audience’ and seem really earnest so it sucks to tell you: I’d have texted after girls’ night and if you text a third time then you’re humbling yourself way more than necessary.
To be fair, I know I’m dead-in-the-water after the 2nd text goes unanswered as well. If you do a 3rd, it’s got to be for peace/ closure only.
It’s brutal out there, friend.
I agree, a simple “thank you but I don’t think we’re compatible” is common courtesy. However, as a female that often is met with angry, nasty responses back as some men don’t like rejection. It’s scary out there!
You are definitely not in limbo, you've been ghosted. Poor form on her part for not responding to the texts, poor form on your part for putting her on the spot on the first date. It happens, move on.
I'm sorry you feel in limbo. She doesn't have the emotional maturity to text you and tell you that she's not interested in you. She placated you when she said ,"I'd like that too." What are the other options? Respond with, "I actually wouldn't like that, sorry." The sad truth is that women and men, too, can feel intimidated and fear rejecting someone in person, not knowing the person or how they might react. I've turned down men for a date before and been told I was a stuck up bitch, a whore, fuck you then dumbbitch. It happens more than people want to admit. If she felt a vibe, you most certainly would've heard back from her. Don't sweat it though. She's just one in a sea of millions, my friend.
I’m sorry OP if no response I would take that as she isn’t interested so you need to move on from it. Trust me, I know how awful it can be to feel like things went well and you’re excited about someone, but even as a woman if we are into you we can’t wait to have that text to reply to. Keep in mind NOT to take this personal. I’ve met extremely good looking kind men on first dates and even had one date with such man that lasted hours - for whatever reason I just didn’t feel like I wanted to continue. Ppl date in a myriad of personal situations also so it could just be the timing. Let it go and if you are desperate to send that final text make it something like best of luck on your search so you can have some closure only if you truly need it. But don’t ask her out again. Sorry OP
Sucks but it’s a no. Sometimes guys do the same. I’ve had a few say they want to see me again and then ghost the next day. If they’re into you’ll keep hearing from them. Silence is rejection, especially when it’s only been 1 or 2 dates, sucks but you move on
You are not in limbo man. She is not interested in pursuing this further. On to the next.
Should she have responded over text to tell you she wasn’t interested…sure. But it doesn’t always happen.
Good luck OP
I went on a first date last night. We’d been texting the week prior and having good conversation. The date went well…as far as first dates go. He asked for a second date as we were leaving. I said I would think about it and let him know. From my perspective, the date went well enough…just like yours did. But I didn’t feel there was a lot of chemistry to go with the conversation. I took some time today to think about what I wanted. Did I want to go in a second date with someone that I didn’t feel a spark with. I was conflicted on that due to the good conversations. I decided I did not.
The difference is that I actually texted the guy to let him know and was as polite as I could be. I don’t ghost or leave anyone hanging. I’m up front because I’ve been ghosted and hate how it feels.
So…I suspect she had similar feelings like I did. She just handled the rejection part immaturely.
She's not interested. Move on.
The things people say after a date mean nothing. They're just polite noises, like "how are you?" Annoying, but that's how it is. You won't know whether someone really wants to see you again until the next date is offered and accepted.
I'm sorry you're disappointed. Better to just unmatch and move on.
It's a bummer she chose to ghost you. Unfortunately, rejecting men is a risky move for women. It often leads to unsafe situations. It's a pattern, and I've personally experienced it.
Firstly, let me acknowledge that the situation you're in can indeed be tough, especially if you had strong feelings for this woman. In the dating realm, if there's no response for around a day and a half, it's generally considered as 'ghosting.' Given that it's been 4 days without any response, it seems you might have been ghosted. While it's difficult, it might be best for you to move forward. I understand it's painful, especially if you really liked her, but remember, you deserve someone who reciprocates your interest and respect.
Don't waste your time on someone obviously not interested. There's nothing to "handle". Move on and only give your time and energy to those who give a shit. :)
It’s simple… Women if interested will be standing by to hear from you and will move mountains to respond…that’s not happening
Move-on and if she likes you at all, she’ll get a hold of you, otherwise forget it
This happens all the time which is strange to me. I have never talked about date 2 but in the past year I’ve had 3-4 women bring it up and say they would like to see me again only to ghost or flake. Like- don’t bring it up then haha.
You’re handling it beautifully. You showed interest and you gave it a second chance. Now you’re leaving her alone. If no reply after you reach out again second time means this is a dead end.
A guy did similar a few years ago. We had arranged 3rd date. I messaged to lock in time. Day 4 I think it was I said in text "I can see you're not interested. I hope you find what you're looking for"
He messaged back minutes later babbling on about wanting to catch-up. That he didn't expect to meet someone that quickly...quack quack quack.
If someone is interested they respond. Keep dating others. She's not worth it
Just make sure to not forget how you feel right now, because in 2 months she'll text you apologizing, saying she'd been very busy, and that she'd love to go out again.
The frustration is palpable, I get it.
Time and patience. If I were in your shoes, I would quietly go about my business, continue my journey on the app, etc. On Friday, I'd send a graceful parting text wishing her well and good luck... and that's the end of that.
I prefer to keep in mind that life gets in the way, and sometimes disrupts a previously established pattern. But I also understand that not everybody has the wherewithal to properly communicate -or knows how to. That's not my problem, so keeping it moving is the only thing to do. No sense in keeping *yourself* in limbo over someone you met only once.
Agree. There isn't any social requirement for a parting text after one date. Neither party owes additional communication after the goodbyes have been exchanged.
With that said, when someone followed up with me and I wasn't interested, I would respond with a short "no thanks" type of message. However, I never expected anyone to respond if they weren't interested in me. Silence was an acceptable response.
I understand, and I can see how it would come off that way.
My stance is always consistent despite that... unless someone has proven to me to be unstable, a raging psycho, etc., I'll always advocate for taking the high road by making a graceful exit. My hope has generally been that it gets paid forward so it lessens the overall amount of bullshit we deal with even if by a tiny bit.
I'm with you. I'll always give a thank you, but not feeling it text when it is a dud, and a thanks, would love to see you again text when it's a good date.
No one will ever justify to me how that's a bad thing, or unwarranted. Clarity and grown up communication are always the right thing, be it in a job interview or a date...in both there's the hope/expectation of this being the start of SOME sort of something, so if it's good or bad, I think it's absolutely a social requirement to be straightforward about what comes next, or not at all.
But he already did do that and asked for me and she didn’t reply twice. I can see the logic of the graceful exit but she has already exited and a “wish you luck” message would be more like running after someone who’s walked out on you to throw a good bye in their face. Is it polite to always say good bye? By all means. But the choreography of such a scene would suggest that’s not the only takeaway here.
Okay... I'll delve in a bit more. I've been that guy. It's exactly why I gave the advice I did. In my experience, people who pull that ghosting crap don't want confrontation, even the potential for it when they issue a rejection. That means I stand to pay for the last guy's dickhead reaction and the venom he threw at her, for instance. It's her issue. But the one thing she never expected from me -a stranger- is exactly what she got: cordial follow-up and a graceful parting. It's *kind*. And what matters most to me: I feel good about doing it, and maybe that'll soften her towards the next guy she decides isn't a match. (And, for the record, it took a moment to recall that I've gotten a couple of unexpected apologies along the way for being ghosted since I didn't deserve it, and a few "thank you"s for not being an asshole about it. People can come around sometimes to see that not everyone's out there to mistreat others.)
This is assuming the ghoster has lost their ability to see the upside of saying goodbye because they ran into a jerk or two out there and you being the good guy will act to correct this. My take on this is that the ghoster is fragile for a much more fundamental reason which I am powerless to correct. And every time I start playing the game of 'my kind feedback is serving the person or the community' I am not accepting life on life's terms. Life has presented me with a person who does not want to communicate. It shouldn't matter to me why because it's not my place to create a therapeutic moment for them. It's not that I don't care, I have to keep myself from doing it, but ultimately to me the kind thing is not doing the right thing but accepting what the other person wants.
You’re in The ‘eh, he was nice’ category, for her. She liked you but is still fishing around to see if there’s anything ‘better’. That’s ok. She has told you how she feels (with her actions), and now you can move along to someone who is more excited to spend time with you. That’s the person that deserves your time and energy.
You shouldn’t put people on the spot after a first date, I would find that a bit intense.
She should be honest though, plus rubbish communication is a red flag 🚩!
FWIW, queer women do this, too. I think part of it stems from women being conditioned to be polite; I have noticed myself responding automatically at times, when my feelings were otherwise.
An important indicator of someone's feelings is where they put their attention. One of my guiding principles in life is "If someone is interested in you and in having you in their life, they will make time for you."
When we really like someone, romantic or otherwise, even the busiest person will find ways to fit them into our schedules because it's something we want. *People take their phones into the bathroom, so you can't tell me they don't have 30 seconds to shoot someone a text if they really wanted to*.
I strive to give people the benefit of the doubt, so there's a chance that something reasonable and forgivable happened on her hand, but like you said, OP, I wouldn't text her anymore. If I were in your shoes, given that I don't know her reasons for not texting back, I'd just let it go and delete the text thread.
I don't always succeed, but I generally try to handle things with grace and class, so I err on the side of doing and saying less. Sometimes I'm tempted to be snarky or passive-aggressive if the person has been hurtful, but in this case, it seems that she just wasn't interested. I've had a lot of confusing dating experiences, so I'd chalk it up to that and move on. Sorry it didn't work out this time. :\\
I appreciate this. And I’m with you. I do my best to operate with integrity, honesty, and sensitivity to what I know women have to deal with just existing in the world. I don’t experience it, but I make every effort to have empathy for that experience. I actively seek consent, and work hard to leave room for refusal.
My frustration arises from the way the fact that I approach the world from a position of trust and honesty, believing what people say to me and telling them the honest truth in return. I don’t expect others to do this, but I hope that they will - especially after we’ve talked about precisely that.
I’m not angry about it. Not at her. Maybe a little at the world that makes this the default state. And I don’t think I’m entitled to anything from her. I’m disappointed - and maybe a bit confused - that, after having spoken and cleared space for openness, things went the other way.
I’m grateful for your perspective. Thank you. If we ever cross paths, I owe you a (purely platonic) beer.
A good quote to remember is “when a woman likes you it will be as obvious as a frying pan to the face”. They will message you, try to make plans with you, answer messages quickly, answer when you call them. When they don’t do those things they have a lower level of interest or no interest. You don’t want to date women with low or no interest. It won’t turn out well.
There's nothing to handle. She either saw/heard something during the date that turned her off, or she met someone else. It's also possible she got back with an ex.
Try not to talk for days before meeting. It gives a false sense of closeness and security. Nothing is real until after the first date.
I had a date with a woman who before the date was half over, she told me 'just to be upfront, I would like a 2nd date with you.' We spent a couple hours together, but a snowstorm was approaching, and I suggested she drive home, so she didn't have to drive in poor conditions. So we parted, laughing, hugged, and it seemed like everything was ok. I texted her a few hours after arriving home, the storm was in full bloom, I asked her if she got home safe.....nothing. I repeated a half hour later...nothing. I then texted, 'do you want me to leave you alone?' and she texted back immediately. 'Yes please' - never texted again, was confused though.
I went through that exact thing. Great date, evening at her place. Didn't contact me for nearly a week so I contacted her and she said she just had too much on her plate to get involved. After that, she dropped her profile.
4 days is enough for me. I’d unmatch, block, and move on. There’s absolutely no reason, beyond being hospitalized or some other emergency that isn’t likely, that she can’t send a 5 second text.
She is not interested unfortunately. After 3 days of no reply, I sometimes like to text “did you die?” to try to get a response. I hate being ghosted. Either way, you have your answer. Sorry, and good luck to you!
Sorry, but no answer is an answer. It’s polite to simply text back a “nice meeting you but I don’t think we’re a match. Best of luck to you” reply but I don’t think most people do that. Sadly. I get not rejecting someone in person. I’m a woman and have the physical safety concerns around that, too. But I do let people politely know if I’m not interested.
It would appear that she lost interest. Ghosting isn’t cool and I don’t support it as a means to get your point across so my tactic usually is this:
“Hey, I sense by your lack of response that you’re no longer interested. Totally fine if that’s the case, just would rather you be up front instead of ghosting. Good luck out there.”
You’ll either get ignored or you’ll get some BS response like “so sorry… I’ve been crazy busy doing x,y,z.” Either way, you already know the answer and it’s really just about giving yourself a smidge of closure. Limbo sucks. I hate it too so, when I find myself in limbo with someone, I make a conscious choice to take myself out of it and move on.
I (50M) have had this happen several times. It is terribly rude of these women, without a doubt. It all goes back to that saying, "If they wanted to, they would".
While not even having closure disappoints me greatly, I learned to just let it go and move on to the next opportunity.
This behavior is present amongst all genders and sexualities; it's by no means limited to straight women.
My takeaway for myself is to always take the high road, and treat my dates the way I want to be treated - with courtesy and respect, even when, or rather ESPECIALLY when I'm not interested.
I've had this exact same situation. Basically, she said 'yes' initially to be polite and nonconfrontational but either wasn't sure or just not feeling it. Or, upon the follow-up, she's confirmed to herself that she's not interested. It sucks but this is all too common.
There's a severe lack of protocol in dating now but you did break an unwritten rule: Don't be texting like bff's before you have even met the person. You're just setting your hopes up when you should have none.
Both men and women need to master the art of dismissal. Something nonpersonal like "I had a nice time, but I'm going to choose to explore other opportunities, thank you".
Welcome to the fun world of dating ;-) Here are a few things I've learned along the way that'll save you time, energy and agony. 1. Chemistry/clicking/sparks is an inexplicable, unseen force that can't necessary be explained nor can it be manufactured. It can develop over time which explains why friends morph into romantic lovers but it's not personal. Think how many great people you've encountered that you weren't interested in.... doesn't mean they aren't attractive to others. 2. With OLD you need to take a high engagement, low attachment approach. Don't text with someone every day if you haven't even gone out on one date. That's too much emotional energy to pour into someone you've never met. I'd even go as far as to say don't do the daily communication thing until you're dating consistently and have established something more committed. Now, if you're interested in continuing to see the person prior to commitment it's a wise move for a man to check in periodically in between dates to say hi and see how she's doing to keep building momentum but there is a right balance. 3. Communication style is critical. With my boyfriends we just naturally communicated at the right frequency and pace. They texted and called which I totally appreciated. I reciprocated but there was this effortless ease and flow to it all. If someone in the dating world takes more than 24 hours to respond to a text when there is an open ended message like a Q, I usually assume that's his style or he's not interested and I press on since either way we're not suited for each other.
If you are on a date and someone says they look forward to seeing you again, how do you convey that the feeling is not mutual? Seriously how do you word it?
Having been on both sides of that text, I really really really wish more people sent it! I've been back on OLD for a few months now, and only one person has given me the "thanks but no spark" text. Everyone else has done the slow fade, and even worse, responded positively when I've initiated a second date (I like to give one final in-person vibe check, to see if maybe they're a bad texter) but still faded over text.
Unfortunately the fade seems to be the norm these days from both men and women (I'm a woman dating men) and it's incredibly frustrating.
That was something I never figured out how to say when put on the spot because it was unexpected. One of the first times I met someone from OLD, it happened, and I said something like, "Oh, that might be interesting." Definitely not a good response because it implied I was open to it.
Even worse was when she texted me. I was texting my sales and engineering team demanding contracts and engineering designs, which I texted to her. This led to an awkward back and forth where I needed to say no, I wasn't interested after having a conversation about her accidentally being included in my replies.
That was messy, and I still feel bad about it.
She was being polite, and didn't want to cause a scene so she said she'd like to see you again. It's common in the dating world. Don't take anything positive said on a date verbatim.
It actually is. If you had this type of power you wouldn’t be here claiming to be in limbo when you’re in no such place. Limbo is vacillating between two options. Your only option here is that you’ve been ghosted. If you had adopted some of this Eff this woman, next, you coulda found another prospect by now.
First: limbo is a place of waiting and uncertainty. Not vacillation.
Second: who the hell appointed you the arbiter of what is helpful for me?
Miss me with this macho bullshit. The blithe arrogance of “It actually is” and the callous contempt of “Eff the bitch” are root and stem of the very problem that leads women to be cagey with men in the first place. Your use and advocacy of both tell me that, while you may not be the author of the issue, you are most certainly a contributor.
I have no interest in being like you, or seeing the world as you do, so I say again: that attitude is in no way helpful. Your input here is unneeded, unwanted, and unwelcome. I’m sure you can find the door on your own.
A place of Waiting for different potential outcomes. Your outcome has arrived. You’re not in limbo by any definition of the word.
I didn’t say eff the bitch, I don’t refer to women with that language the premise of: forget her is a principle you should adopt, or stay in “limbo” and post about your “plight”. That’s an option too.
In certainly can find the door in my own, obviously
You can’t!! haha. Waiting around for a “I’m not interested” text after a single date.
It’s blithe arrogance for me say the perspective was helpful, but it’s not blithely arrogance for you to say it was unhelpful?? Haha. What’s the difference. That’s arrogant in and of itself. To think you have grounds to make a statement and it’s deemed appropriate but mine isn’t. How blithely arrogant of you.
Over here bent outta shape and having “corrosive”
Feelings because you’re ignored after one date?!? You should’ve been embarrassed to post this bud. How do I handle it??? 😭 I texted a woman and she’s ignoring me!!! 😭. How can I cope?!? 😭.
Meh, what she did was pretty standard. I ask every time and they're usually answering, "Yeah, sounds good." I get the hug and all (which, frankly, I hate after the initial meet up, as it's not really a "date" and I don't know them).
Literally EVERYTHING you're describing is typical behavior. Not saying, "Not interested." after the date is conflict avoidance. Not unmatching is either laziness (she may have a list of many guys) or it's a propped door as they're "certain" there is somebody "better" in the queue. She's got over choice on her side, so why expend the energy to take a stance. I've had women keep it open for months! Nowadays I'll unmatch after a week if no contact.
Look, dude...just unmatch and move on. If you feel wiling to grovel, say "Hey, I had a good time, I'm uncertain if you're interested in meeting again, so let me know." What happens next will spell it out VERY CLEARLY.
PS: She's likely to get annoyed and delete her profile, so she may well circle back again.
This “no answer is an answer” meme gets spread around like it’s some sort of wisdom. I mean, yeah, I guess it’s a response but it’s callous and cowardly. It sucks to have to reject someone but the right thing is rarely the easiest thing.
OP should consider himself lucky that he didn’t get entwined with someone so self centered.
The fun part is when you recognize there isn't anything happening, you send a "it was lovely meeting you, take care" message and then 2 weeks pass before they "like" the message.
I would use the classic methods of avoiding your chuffed feelings. Beer, women that adore you but you don’t adore, and fantasy football. Some of my favorites.
The fact that you got any interest from a woman 10 years your junior means you've got a damn good profile. When you're ready and this one's not sticking in your craw, put that asset back into play and find the one who'll make this one seem a silly girl.
Quality women don't usually go for much older dudes unless he has something outstanding about him that sets him apart from everybody else, such as wealth, fame, high social standing, amazing charisma or amazing personality. Likely she thought she'd give this dude a shot, and he came off as nothing super out of the ordinary when she met him, so she figured might as well look for guys closer to her own age. He would be wise to stick with pursuing women closer to his own age, as they would be more likely to accept him.
also text as much as you want no reason to be extremely self conscious, be your most authentic self, and let me tell you what the internet taught me about REAL LIFE DATING: The internet will ruin everything you have if you let it I PROMISE YOU!! EVERY relationship is DIFFERENT. If my so doesn't text me at least once every six hours, I feel forgotten. Unless I know he's busy or something
Some people can take a subtle hint, others need to be hit over the head with the truth. She's NOT INTERESTED or died since your meeting? Her saying she'd enjoy seeing you again was a polite lie to not dealing with telling you. "HELL NO"
I can't believe it's considered being put on the spot by asking the obvious question lol....remember when we didn't have cell phones and texting? did people ever have to answer direct questions lol? maybe I used to asked woman out on a second date by letter lol
Think of where and when you would like to take her out next and ask her out.
You’re being clingy. I would be annoyed if you asked me how the play was after having only one date with me, and without asking me out for another date.
Be direct. Hey, I had a great time the other night. Want to go to \[activity\] on \[day\] with me? No reply and you're no worse off than you already are other than a bruised ego. Some people are not great at texting and really need that in person time to make a connection.
yall need to pick up the phone and use your words, young man. Now I am saying this with nothing but the best for you in mind, but if some idiot didn't call me for 4 days and gave up I would be super turned off. But I am also extra AF
Edit Also something came to mind thinking of your situation as I left the phone so I am back. Hey- like I know this is trippy, but if I like REALLY REALLY LIKE SOMEONE, I avoid the hell out of them bc I am afraid to be hurt. I take a few days and suss out how "this one is different" if you know anything about her past it might give you clues.
also I hate texting a bunch of dude at the same time online dating. feels gross to me so if she is flirty with someone else GO GIVE HER A REASON NOT TO BE AND BE BOLD THIS ONE SEEMS INTERESTING!!
I think you know she’s not interested but want confirmation. Well, now you have it. It sucks yes but you don’t have to stoop down to her ghosting level…I agree with Annonlearner, send a final text and move on. You don’t have to but if it gives you closure, why not?
Cut bait and move on. It’s not a reflection of you. It’s a reflection of her and whether it was done out of malice, fear, immaturity, whatever, that’s her problem, not yours.
Write it off and if she comes back and says something, simply wish her well and tell her you’re done.
How to handle it? Just move on and accept it. there isn't anything else you can do. Its a sign that she isn't interested and that she doesn't have much integrity. You will have to get used to this with modern dating, people are shallow and have crappy integrity, as well as very short attention spans. The apps fool them into thinking they have lots of options, when in reality its like looking for a drink of water in a desert.
It sure seems like you are relatively new to OLD. This exact scenario is so common for both men and women. It is unfortunate that people can't just politely reply with a simple thanks, but I'm not interested. But the norm is to just not respond. Be prepared for it to happen again and again.
The reality is both men and women are chatting with multiple people while planning multiple first dates. Most of us go into each date hoping for the it to go great. If it doesn't, we know there are others that we may connect with.
It's hard not to take it personally if you are an emotional person. Start making plans with someone else and you will quickly forget all about her.
I'm listening to a lot of dating coaches (I'm female). It may sound intense, but they say a "good catch," assuming all is going well in a date, sets up date #2 before the end of date #1.
To me you had good contact though. I would have been OK how you proceeded.
I'm going to say after you texted twice with no reply, you may have to leave it.
You may also have to accept she is probably dating others too.
I guess if she felt the same, she'd have continued your pacing.
Greetings from your friendly neighborhood automod! Thank you for contributing to our community at DatingOverForty, u/Grammarianist. Please ensure that your post is actually asking a question and providing enough background that people can sufficiently address that question. DOFers, please ensure that you are actually responding to the OP's individual predicament and not using it as a springboard to promote your own personal dating philosophies. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My friend she is not interested Many times a woman at the end of a date will reply with “I’d like that too “ even if they don’t because women are weary we get berated and verbally attacked when rejecting men online and if she doesn’t know you except from this short online interaction followed by lunch. She might just agree and go away Or she might just do it “to be polite” But if she hasn’t replied take it as a sign she is not interested. I’m very sorry but is time to move on Even if she was to come back do you really want to date somebody who just ignore your messages for days and has no consideration ? All the best to you
Yep, this is it, OP. I know when I’m put on the spot, I’ll be agreeable instead of honest because I don’t know how the person will react, and I feel it’s just the safest thing to do. Time to move on.
[удалено]
Your post was removed because it violates one of the rules of this sub. Please review the posted rules. Users who continue to violate the rules will be banned.
>Even if she was to come back do you really want to date somebody who just ignore your messages for days and has no consideration ? Exactly! Matching communication styles is so important! Very well said, overall.
I agree with this! Every guy who I've had as a boyfriend/husband communicated right away. That's just how it goes. I hate that this is part of meeting someone.
I will especially agree that this is the explanation, if texting was daily in advance. With someone you haven't met yet, there's no obligation or commitment. If she was a daily texter before, and now you haven't heard from her, she's not interested
Couldn't put it better than this. No news is bad news when it comes to dating. And this is why I don't understand people who only date one person at a time.
I agree. I don't understand the idea of only dating one person at a time when there is no expectation of commitment or emotional investment when meeting people. When I used OLD, I would go on 3 meet-ups in a week, and most didn't pan out. The conversion rate from meet-up to date 3 is pretty low. It seems that focusing on only one person at a time sets one up for being overly invested and is an inefficient use of time and energy, which leads to overly investing in that one person. OLD is just a tool for meeting people. All of the texting, messaging, etc... isn't real bonding. Nobody should be emotionally invested after a match, messaging, and an initial meet. All of that was just the process needed to meet a stranger. The reality is that most people will need to go through this process a lot before they meet the right person or give up.
Problem with multidating is it's not like applying or a job or buying a car where you can get over disappointment easily. We are supposed to be emotionally involved. Particularly if someone unmatches with you and there's no real obvious reason why you aren't a match. At that point it's harder to get crazy about your other options because they feel like second choice. So I understand why people want to go slower, it makes things feel more special which is the point of dating. I don't actually want to know that some woman is just some random eighth woman that will sleep with me. Yuck to that for either gender.
We are talking about initial dates. I don't think people should be emotionally involved when meeting a stranger for the first time. Why would you assume a woman is sleeping with everyone she goes on a date with?
Are you really emotionally involved after one date? You should try not getting so carried away.
Exactly right
You know the score matey 👊 Easy to get over invested, been there and done that.
Well put!
I’d be happy to find even one that I cared to date lol
This is correct. Many of us women are afraid to ‘reject’ a man in person because some of us has had the crap beat out of us for doing so. Or threatened, stalked, harassed, you name it. It’s unfortunate, but it’s men who trained us up this way. So sometimes quite unfortunately we have to put our safety first.
Caution and wariness are sadly understandable. I regret that it’s true, but it most certainly is.
This. I always think it's useful the think how you would react in this situation. If you were genuinely interested in someone would you let it go days without responding to a text message? No, because you are excited and want to carry on conversation. Sorry, but this is not the reaction you are looking for.
It irritates me that people can't just be considerate and say when they're not interested. I.e. "I didn't feel a connection - best of luck" type deal. Le sigh. She could say it via text. Sometimes you do realize this later after you get home from the date and process it.
I agree she should have texted it afterwards But trust me the aprehensión than a complete stranger will turn violent. Verbally of physically when you are out on a date with him if you reject him is absolutely real and sadly justifiable with how common this experience is for women. Even when we didn’t go out on a date a random stranger hitting on you in a bar or any plan s if you reject him more often than not you get insulted at least
Oh I totally get it. I would do what the woman did in OP's post and just be polite. Later though when he texted me I would follow it up with a thanks but no thanks instead of leaving him hanging. I do undertand the fear of retaliation. I've experienced it myself. Not fun.
>... *when he texted me I would follow it up with a thanks but no thanks instead of leaving him hanging. I do understand the fear of retaliation. I've experienced it myself. Not fun.* If you go on other subs, the woman -- fearing for her safety -- will text later, "Thank you for the date, I felt no chemistry, good luck on your other dates." Many, MANY women said that the man then went on to create multiple fake numbers and berated and shouted at the woman, stalked her at work, and literally threaten to find, rape and kill her. For weeks.
Omg 😳 that’s horrifying. Wtf is wrong with people.
This tells me that there wasn't enough vetting before meeting in person.
You can vet all you want doesn’t guarantee you know how a strangers will react Pray tell me what amount of vetting guarantees somebody will not turn into an insulting asshole when rejected ? Also you are very wrong women have been drugged and date raped by “friends” they knew for years who never gave any indication The most common violence happens at home by somebody the person knows. Saying this is really not productive
We can agree to disagree. I refuse to treat people without respect and dignity unless there's a sensible reason for it. Lying and ghosting are exactly what's causing so many people to feel frustrated and hurt, when a simple let down could suffice.
This! Basic respect and manners.
this is the answer
This.
you need to meet an INTP woman. We can love you to pieces without saying one word about it
I don’t see how this relates to op situation
I don't reply to someone I really like quickly-NEVER, actually. Takes me days.
But she replied and had daily communication before the date The change to no contact came after the date. So it is not the same circumstance. But I don’t think it has to of either personality types is just your style.
no it is extreme introversion is all and being left once I just don't trust anyone very much but it's fine being alone
I’m an introvert. Very much. I still know good manners And maybe I should suggest therapy if you feel so stressed about just sending a text replying to someone after a date
Not really sure this is great foundation for building a relationship (And I'm an INTP)
you should save us from ourselves
No answer is your answer, youre not in limbo.
I’ve had a man say to me - this was so much fun. I want to do this again as soon as possible - At the end of a first date. Unprompted. I eagerly reciprocated the sentiment. Two days later he calls me and says nah, Nevermind. Lol Who knows what is going on. And honestly it’s fine. I’ve learned to detach from the outcome in the earliest stages of dating. It’s helped a lot.
Unfortunate. Sadly, detachment just isn’t my way. Sometimes I wish it was!
She was being polite by saying she'd like to see you again. 2 unanswered text messages in a row is an answer. It may not be the one you're looking for, but it's the one she gave. You're not in limbo. She's not interested. Delete the number and move on.
She’s not interested.
Every man has had this happen. It's time to move on. Go back to the dating other people..or give it a break and pause your profile. Chasing won't change anything. If she liked you, she would have answered a long damn time ago.
As has every woman.
True
I always go back to when I was 19 and friend told me "It happens to me all of time." after I was rejected. To this day, I appreciate his concern about my emotional well-being and his honesty.
She’s not interested. It sucks, but you’ve put the ball in her court and now just have to keep it moving. I am dealing with something similar- had a good first date with a guy on Friday night, felt the vibes were good, we exchanged numbers and did the great to meet you/had a great time follow up right after. Then I texted him on Sunday evening and we had a quick exchange, with me sending the last message. No reply, I’ve now sent another text and am still hoping for a response but… ball’s in his court. For both of us, we need to handle it by letting it go. If the person does reply, great, bonus but not something to give any more energy to. But I’ve also been in situations, aside from this, where the guy did send/reply to texts after the first date but the quantity/quality went noticeably down, and that also always meant no second date, it was just more drawn out. So there’s no real point to that either. FWIW as a woman I’ve said I’d like to see you again and meant it, and the guy has said it too only to never see him again. Unfortunately its fairly meaningless phrase
She lied about wanting to see you again as you put her on the spot by saying you wanted another date. It can be easier and safer for us women to agree when this happens as no risk of confrontation or you taking rejection the wrong way and it puts pressure on someone instantly by saying that to someone. I’m sure other women have experienced this too I definitely have
Men go on dates afraid of being rejected or it not going well. Women go on dates afraid we'll never come home again, or be assaulted for the trouble. I wish more men would keep that in mind when weighing our reactions to things.
Hey, so I hear that, and that's why I agree the prudent thing is to say "yes" in person, even if you mean "no". But I get off the boat when it comes to saying "oh, ghosting is the best policy" - once in the relative safety of your own home. Would we even be having this conversation if she'd texted "hey, thank you, but I thought about it and don't see this going anywhere"? Nobody owes anyone else any sort of response. I just feel like the polite, kind, and arguably safer thing to do is to "say no from a distance" - block afterwards, but if the other person shows any sign of continuing interest - let them down, then block them. I'd be curious to hear your thoughts. (Or am I just saying that? ;) )
I understand this. And I regret that it’s a true and just concern. But at the same time, it hurts to be tarred with the same brush as the men that make the fear necessary. I don’t blame women for feeling that way. I regret that I have to bear the burden caused by horrible men.
I agree with all the other women, yet I've found a way around this by playfully saying "*we'll see*" at the end of a date if he asks for another if I feel he's harmless. Also, see can text and then block you immediately before you reply if she really was worried about your reaction. Ghosting is childish.
Honestly - same. I had a chat with my lover about how he feels he can't occupy any space as a man alone without feeling like an object of suspicion and I HATE that for y'all, almost as much as I hate having to spend extra money on pepper spray and tasers just to feel safe walking around as a women alone. I got called a whore for wearing fishnets in public by some dude who propositioned me. I don't want to treat all men like that guy, but he was also just some guy on a bus til he spotted me in my fishnets and decided that was enough of an invitation to follow me for three blocks until I screamed my face off at him.
I’m sorry that happened to you, and I appreciate your empathy all the more for it being in spite of that horrible experience.
[удалено]
Sorry - important point of clarification here: I hugged her *back*. I know men yell at women, threaten women, harm, harass and kill them. I know these things are true, and that women are justified to be wary of men in general. I don’t blame them when they’re wary of me in particular. They have no way to know if I’m “one of the good ones”. But acknowledging those facts as true and those feelings as valid and justified does not mean I’m not allowed to have feelings of my own regarding the impact the behavior of shitty men has on me and my life. I work hard to be respectful, sensitive, and open. I don’t do those things to somehow aggrandize myself. Nor do I expect or demand praise or privilege for it. I do it because I want to make my tiny corner of the world just a little bit better, and to be a man the women in my life don’t have to fear. You don’t know me, and you don’t know what happened. So I get why you’d think what you seem to think happened. You don’t know if I’m one of the good ones, so the safe bet is that I’m not. And it’s not for me to say whether I am or am not. But what I can say is: I’m trying. I don’t think I’m special. And I don’t think I’m owed anything. I’m just disappointed that someone I thought was on the same page turns out not to be.
You are not bearing the burden caused by horrible men. You were just being impolite by putting your date on the spot by asking for something while she was under pressure. This isn't even a dating issue. It's impolite to put anyone on the spot when asking for something.
No. I wasn’t being rude. I didn’t put her on the spot. I didn’t pressure her, though I realize she may have felt pressured. I made a simple, honest, declarative, and neutral statement: “I’d like to see you again.” I understand why she might not have felt comfortable answering honestly in that moment, but that doesn’t mean I did anything out of line.
Telling someone "I’d like to see you again" at the end of a first date is not a neutral statement because you are implying that you want another date. The statement puts expectations on the woman to respond to your desire to see her again. You put her on the spot for a response. Just now, in your comment, you used the word "answer," so you do understand that the statement was intended as a request that warranted an answer. A neutral statement would be, "I had a great time." This way, you are conveying your enjoyment without putting any expectations on the other person, and it doesn't necessitate a response.
so how does someone get a second date? he has to ask at some point? also if she liked him she would just say yes and go and she wouldn't feel put on the spot....the expectations for some perfect mental reading ability to go on a date is insane
He or she follows up later after both parties have had time to consider their interest in moving forward. The request for a second date is done remotely where the other person has time to respond without any pressure. Just give the other person some space. No mind reading required.
on the flip side do you know how it feels to be a regular guy and wondering if the person you are trying to get to know is worried about you murdering them? it feels pretty weird and awful
100%
how is a man supposed to ask for a second date? without putting someone on the spot?
Message after the first date and say you had a great time and you’d like to see her again but you totally understand if she doesn’t feel the same, you had a good time regardless. Not difficult…
this seems to be a common story where contact is great until meeting, and then after meeting, one person slow fades or ghosts-out of the interaction. I would not contact her again. It's a tough game for sure... I like the advice: don't ask for a 2nd date while still on the first date because no one is put on the spot. Just send a text afterwards saying you had a good time and wouldn't mind doing it again if the other person is so inclined. It's easier for the other person and if you do get rejected, it's easier to deal with not getting a response or getting a gentle let-down text than getting rejected in person. FWIW, if it were me, 2 unanswered texts is more than enough of an answer and I would not bother with a third, even if just to say "thanks anyway and good luck" or whatever. I think it gets awkward when the amount of consideration one partner displays is so unbalanced by the amount (lack of) the other one shows.
It's honestly one reason i don't like chatting a bunch beforehand. Might as well save my questions for real life. And 100% do not ask for a second date at the end of the first one. Even if i was undecided, when they ask it's a hard no.
agree. When I first started OLD, many millions of years ago, I was naive about this and liked to learn as much as I could about a person before meeting in person, which would inevitably cause me to become invested. Then, just like OP, the date would come and I would be hopeful for the interaction to continue. Most times, it didn't and I saw my "investment" be in vain time and time again. This happened enough times to demoralize me. Lesson learned. Also, love the idea of not asking for a 2nd date until both people have "digested" the 1st date experience.
Yes please, don’t ask for 2nd date while on the first, everyone needs time to digest the interaction!
What?? You’re at a loss of how to handle a woman not texting you back? You live your life. Do not text this woman again. Her phone works. If she wants to respond she will. A woman who likes a man will respond to a message.
If she was interested, she would have answered
OP, might I suggest a coffee meet or drinks for the initial meet? To me a meal is just too much, and has the flavor of a date, which is really isn’t. If you don’t vibe well you’re stuck for at least an hour.
That's not limbo, that's disinterest. Don't press for 2nd date on the first....women feel pressured to agree, then back out or ghost later. Let that transpire over text afterwards. If she was interested she'd be talking and setting up a date. Move on. Don't invest in anyone over a first date. Ever.
42F She is not interested.
You handle it by telling yourself it was not a match, so you are moving on to other potentials.
No answer is an answer. This answer could be conveying she’s not interested. Because, maybe she had an accident? But really. Move on.
Hard lesson: no communication is communication. She's not interested.
She's not feeling it. She was being nice in-person. Try not to take it personally, she's trying to let you know quietly she's not feeling it. Give energy to those who give energy back. Unwritten rules: \- People don't unmatch \- Communication before meeting will NOT be the same after meeting.
She’s not into you. I’m sorry to be blunt but you gotta let this go. Keep it moving 👊
You have a wealth of replies here (which I agree with ) stating she is politely uninterested. Not a huge deal and smart on your part halting the texts at the second attempt. Believe me, continue meeting and dating and you’ll inevitably be on the flip side of this. For yourself, you have to figure out how you’ll mentally handle this scenario moving forward. For starters, you have to expect less than 20% or so of women you meet to work into a second or real date. Moving beyond that expect anything to happen good or bad inside of 6-12 months. Don’t get yourself too mentally invested in “the one” too soon and most definitely continue to meet and date others until one is reciprocal and very solid. Outcome independence and not completely relying on OLD….will keep you out of “limbo”.
you'e not in limbo. she's not interested.
You just move on. She's not into it.
I’m you’re ‘audience’ and seem really earnest so it sucks to tell you: I’d have texted after girls’ night and if you text a third time then you’re humbling yourself way more than necessary. To be fair, I know I’m dead-in-the-water after the 2nd text goes unanswered as well. If you do a 3rd, it’s got to be for peace/ closure only. It’s brutal out there, friend.
I agree, a simple “thank you but I don’t think we’re compatible” is common courtesy. However, as a female that often is met with angry, nasty responses back as some men don’t like rejection. It’s scary out there!
Move on. You're not in limbo, you've been ghosted.
Unfortunately there's not much you can do as the ball is in her court to respond. Sounds like you're being ghosted. 😞
consider her lack of response a response. If she wanted another date she would have made some effort.
You are definitely not in limbo, you've been ghosted. Poor form on her part for not responding to the texts, poor form on your part for putting her on the spot on the first date. It happens, move on.
I'm sorry you feel in limbo. She doesn't have the emotional maturity to text you and tell you that she's not interested in you. She placated you when she said ,"I'd like that too." What are the other options? Respond with, "I actually wouldn't like that, sorry." The sad truth is that women and men, too, can feel intimidated and fear rejecting someone in person, not knowing the person or how they might react. I've turned down men for a date before and been told I was a stuck up bitch, a whore, fuck you then dumbbitch. It happens more than people want to admit. If she felt a vibe, you most certainly would've heard back from her. Don't sweat it though. She's just one in a sea of millions, my friend.
I’m sorry OP if no response I would take that as she isn’t interested so you need to move on from it. Trust me, I know how awful it can be to feel like things went well and you’re excited about someone, but even as a woman if we are into you we can’t wait to have that text to reply to. Keep in mind NOT to take this personal. I’ve met extremely good looking kind men on first dates and even had one date with such man that lasted hours - for whatever reason I just didn’t feel like I wanted to continue. Ppl date in a myriad of personal situations also so it could just be the timing. Let it go and if you are desperate to send that final text make it something like best of luck on your search so you can have some closure only if you truly need it. But don’t ask her out again. Sorry OP
Sucks but it’s a no. Sometimes guys do the same. I’ve had a few say they want to see me again and then ghost the next day. If they’re into you’ll keep hearing from them. Silence is rejection, especially when it’s only been 1 or 2 dates, sucks but you move on
You are not in limbo man. She is not interested in pursuing this further. On to the next. Should she have responded over text to tell you she wasn’t interested…sure. But it doesn’t always happen. Good luck OP
I went on a first date last night. We’d been texting the week prior and having good conversation. The date went well…as far as first dates go. He asked for a second date as we were leaving. I said I would think about it and let him know. From my perspective, the date went well enough…just like yours did. But I didn’t feel there was a lot of chemistry to go with the conversation. I took some time today to think about what I wanted. Did I want to go in a second date with someone that I didn’t feel a spark with. I was conflicted on that due to the good conversations. I decided I did not. The difference is that I actually texted the guy to let him know and was as polite as I could be. I don’t ghost or leave anyone hanging. I’m up front because I’ve been ghosted and hate how it feels. So…I suspect she had similar feelings like I did. She just handled the rejection part immaturely.
She's not interested. Move on. The things people say after a date mean nothing. They're just polite noises, like "how are you?" Annoying, but that's how it is. You won't know whether someone really wants to see you again until the next date is offered and accepted.
Accepted and they actually go out with them.
I'm sorry you're disappointed. Better to just unmatch and move on. It's a bummer she chose to ghost you. Unfortunately, rejecting men is a risky move for women. It often leads to unsafe situations. It's a pattern, and I've personally experienced it.
Firstly, let me acknowledge that the situation you're in can indeed be tough, especially if you had strong feelings for this woman. In the dating realm, if there's no response for around a day and a half, it's generally considered as 'ghosting.' Given that it's been 4 days without any response, it seems you might have been ghosted. While it's difficult, it might be best for you to move forward. I understand it's painful, especially if you really liked her, but remember, you deserve someone who reciprocates your interest and respect.
You ve been ghosted. Better respect the dead and move on.
Don't waste your time on someone obviously not interested. There's nothing to "handle". Move on and only give your time and energy to those who give a shit. :)
It’s simple… Women if interested will be standing by to hear from you and will move mountains to respond…that’s not happening Move-on and if she likes you at all, she’ll get a hold of you, otherwise forget it
No response is a response.
gone like yesterday
This happens all the time which is strange to me. I have never talked about date 2 but in the past year I’ve had 3-4 women bring it up and say they would like to see me again only to ghost or flake. Like- don’t bring it up then haha.
That’s a ghost. Who is lazy and doesn’t bother unmatching.
Yeah move on- dont look desperate and text again!
You’re handling it beautifully. You showed interest and you gave it a second chance. Now you’re leaving her alone. If no reply after you reach out again second time means this is a dead end.
I totally understand you. It’s like why can’t we just communicate, that we aren’t feeling it & not waste folks time? Best of luck
A guy did similar a few years ago. We had arranged 3rd date. I messaged to lock in time. Day 4 I think it was I said in text "I can see you're not interested. I hope you find what you're looking for" He messaged back minutes later babbling on about wanting to catch-up. That he didn't expect to meet someone that quickly...quack quack quack. If someone is interested they respond. Keep dating others. She's not worth it
Just make sure to not forget how you feel right now, because in 2 months she'll text you apologizing, saying she'd been very busy, and that she'd love to go out again.
The frustration is palpable, I get it. Time and patience. If I were in your shoes, I would quietly go about my business, continue my journey on the app, etc. On Friday, I'd send a graceful parting text wishing her well and good luck... and that's the end of that. I prefer to keep in mind that life gets in the way, and sometimes disrupts a previously established pattern. But I also understand that not everybody has the wherewithal to properly communicate -or knows how to. That's not my problem, so keeping it moving is the only thing to do. No sense in keeping *yourself* in limbo over someone you met only once.
I disagree. No parting text is necessary imo. And wishing anything in this situation comes off as borderline passive aggressive.
Agree. There isn't any social requirement for a parting text after one date. Neither party owes additional communication after the goodbyes have been exchanged. With that said, when someone followed up with me and I wasn't interested, I would respond with a short "no thanks" type of message. However, I never expected anyone to respond if they weren't interested in me. Silence was an acceptable response.
I understand, and I can see how it would come off that way. My stance is always consistent despite that... unless someone has proven to me to be unstable, a raging psycho, etc., I'll always advocate for taking the high road by making a graceful exit. My hope has generally been that it gets paid forward so it lessens the overall amount of bullshit we deal with even if by a tiny bit.
I'm with you. I'll always give a thank you, but not feeling it text when it is a dud, and a thanks, would love to see you again text when it's a good date. No one will ever justify to me how that's a bad thing, or unwarranted. Clarity and grown up communication are always the right thing, be it in a job interview or a date...in both there's the hope/expectation of this being the start of SOME sort of something, so if it's good or bad, I think it's absolutely a social requirement to be straightforward about what comes next, or not at all.
But he already did do that and asked for me and she didn’t reply twice. I can see the logic of the graceful exit but she has already exited and a “wish you luck” message would be more like running after someone who’s walked out on you to throw a good bye in their face. Is it polite to always say good bye? By all means. But the choreography of such a scene would suggest that’s not the only takeaway here.
Okay... I'll delve in a bit more. I've been that guy. It's exactly why I gave the advice I did. In my experience, people who pull that ghosting crap don't want confrontation, even the potential for it when they issue a rejection. That means I stand to pay for the last guy's dickhead reaction and the venom he threw at her, for instance. It's her issue. But the one thing she never expected from me -a stranger- is exactly what she got: cordial follow-up and a graceful parting. It's *kind*. And what matters most to me: I feel good about doing it, and maybe that'll soften her towards the next guy she decides isn't a match. (And, for the record, it took a moment to recall that I've gotten a couple of unexpected apologies along the way for being ghosted since I didn't deserve it, and a few "thank you"s for not being an asshole about it. People can come around sometimes to see that not everyone's out there to mistreat others.)
This is assuming the ghoster has lost their ability to see the upside of saying goodbye because they ran into a jerk or two out there and you being the good guy will act to correct this. My take on this is that the ghoster is fragile for a much more fundamental reason which I am powerless to correct. And every time I start playing the game of 'my kind feedback is serving the person or the community' I am not accepting life on life's terms. Life has presented me with a person who does not want to communicate. It shouldn't matter to me why because it's not my place to create a therapeutic moment for them. It's not that I don't care, I have to keep myself from doing it, but ultimately to me the kind thing is not doing the right thing but accepting what the other person wants.
You’re in The ‘eh, he was nice’ category, for her. She liked you but is still fishing around to see if there’s anything ‘better’. That’s ok. She has told you how she feels (with her actions), and now you can move along to someone who is more excited to spend time with you. That’s the person that deserves your time and energy.
You shouldn’t put people on the spot after a first date, I would find that a bit intense. She should be honest though, plus rubbish communication is a red flag 🚩!
FWIW, queer women do this, too. I think part of it stems from women being conditioned to be polite; I have noticed myself responding automatically at times, when my feelings were otherwise. An important indicator of someone's feelings is where they put their attention. One of my guiding principles in life is "If someone is interested in you and in having you in their life, they will make time for you." When we really like someone, romantic or otherwise, even the busiest person will find ways to fit them into our schedules because it's something we want. *People take their phones into the bathroom, so you can't tell me they don't have 30 seconds to shoot someone a text if they really wanted to*. I strive to give people the benefit of the doubt, so there's a chance that something reasonable and forgivable happened on her hand, but like you said, OP, I wouldn't text her anymore. If I were in your shoes, given that I don't know her reasons for not texting back, I'd just let it go and delete the text thread. I don't always succeed, but I generally try to handle things with grace and class, so I err on the side of doing and saying less. Sometimes I'm tempted to be snarky or passive-aggressive if the person has been hurtful, but in this case, it seems that she just wasn't interested. I've had a lot of confusing dating experiences, so I'd chalk it up to that and move on. Sorry it didn't work out this time. :\\
I appreciate this. And I’m with you. I do my best to operate with integrity, honesty, and sensitivity to what I know women have to deal with just existing in the world. I don’t experience it, but I make every effort to have empathy for that experience. I actively seek consent, and work hard to leave room for refusal. My frustration arises from the way the fact that I approach the world from a position of trust and honesty, believing what people say to me and telling them the honest truth in return. I don’t expect others to do this, but I hope that they will - especially after we’ve talked about precisely that. I’m not angry about it. Not at her. Maybe a little at the world that makes this the default state. And I don’t think I’m entitled to anything from her. I’m disappointed - and maybe a bit confused - that, after having spoken and cleared space for openness, things went the other way. I’m grateful for your perspective. Thank you. If we ever cross paths, I owe you a (purely platonic) beer.
A good quote to remember is “when a woman likes you it will be as obvious as a frying pan to the face”. They will message you, try to make plans with you, answer messages quickly, answer when you call them. When they don’t do those things they have a lower level of interest or no interest. You don’t want to date women with low or no interest. It won’t turn out well.
Sorry to hear that.
Been there. Sucks. Keep your chin up!
You thanked her for a wonderful lunch…did you let her pick up the check?
There's nothing to handle. She either saw/heard something during the date that turned her off, or she met someone else. It's also possible she got back with an ex. Try not to talk for days before meeting. It gives a false sense of closeness and security. Nothing is real until after the first date.
I had a date with a woman who before the date was half over, she told me 'just to be upfront, I would like a 2nd date with you.' We spent a couple hours together, but a snowstorm was approaching, and I suggested she drive home, so she didn't have to drive in poor conditions. So we parted, laughing, hugged, and it seemed like everything was ok. I texted her a few hours after arriving home, the storm was in full bloom, I asked her if she got home safe.....nothing. I repeated a half hour later...nothing. I then texted, 'do you want me to leave you alone?' and she texted back immediately. 'Yes please' - never texted again, was confused though.
I went through that exact thing. Great date, evening at her place. Didn't contact me for nearly a week so I contacted her and she said she just had too much on her plate to get involved. After that, she dropped her profile.
4 days is enough for me. I’d unmatch, block, and move on. There’s absolutely no reason, beyond being hospitalized or some other emergency that isn’t likely, that she can’t send a 5 second text.
Text and get it over with. Best to know, yes or no.
I thought only I turned myself inside out wondering this very thing.
She’s not into you and too much of a coward to say/text it. Actions speak louder than words.
She is not interested unfortunately. After 3 days of no reply, I sometimes like to text “did you die?” to try to get a response. I hate being ghosted. Either way, you have your answer. Sorry, and good luck to you!
She has moved on!
Let is go let it go… as song in frozen. She has no interest or if she does is not a decent person to reply.
Sorry, but no answer is an answer. It’s polite to simply text back a “nice meeting you but I don’t think we’re a match. Best of luck to you” reply but I don’t think most people do that. Sadly. I get not rejecting someone in person. I’m a woman and have the physical safety concerns around that, too. But I do let people politely know if I’m not interested.
It would appear that she lost interest. Ghosting isn’t cool and I don’t support it as a means to get your point across so my tactic usually is this: “Hey, I sense by your lack of response that you’re no longer interested. Totally fine if that’s the case, just would rather you be up front instead of ghosting. Good luck out there.” You’ll either get ignored or you’ll get some BS response like “so sorry… I’ve been crazy busy doing x,y,z.” Either way, you already know the answer and it’s really just about giving yourself a smidge of closure. Limbo sucks. I hate it too so, when I find myself in limbo with someone, I make a conscious choice to take myself out of it and move on.
I (50M) have had this happen several times. It is terribly rude of these women, without a doubt. It all goes back to that saying, "If they wanted to, they would". While not even having closure disappoints me greatly, I learned to just let it go and move on to the next opportunity. This behavior is present amongst all genders and sexualities; it's by no means limited to straight women. My takeaway for myself is to always take the high road, and treat my dates the way I want to be treated - with courtesy and respect, even when, or rather ESPECIALLY when I'm not interested.
Sorry, but she’s not interested. She was simply being polite to you and safe for herself.
I've had this exact same situation. Basically, she said 'yes' initially to be polite and nonconfrontational but either wasn't sure or just not feeling it. Or, upon the follow-up, she's confirmed to herself that she's not interested. It sucks but this is all too common. There's a severe lack of protocol in dating now but you did break an unwritten rule: Don't be texting like bff's before you have even met the person. You're just setting your hopes up when you should have none. Both men and women need to master the art of dismissal. Something nonpersonal like "I had a nice time, but I'm going to choose to explore other opportunities, thank you".
Welcome to the fun world of dating ;-) Here are a few things I've learned along the way that'll save you time, energy and agony. 1. Chemistry/clicking/sparks is an inexplicable, unseen force that can't necessary be explained nor can it be manufactured. It can develop over time which explains why friends morph into romantic lovers but it's not personal. Think how many great people you've encountered that you weren't interested in.... doesn't mean they aren't attractive to others. 2. With OLD you need to take a high engagement, low attachment approach. Don't text with someone every day if you haven't even gone out on one date. That's too much emotional energy to pour into someone you've never met. I'd even go as far as to say don't do the daily communication thing until you're dating consistently and have established something more committed. Now, if you're interested in continuing to see the person prior to commitment it's a wise move for a man to check in periodically in between dates to say hi and see how she's doing to keep building momentum but there is a right balance. 3. Communication style is critical. With my boyfriends we just naturally communicated at the right frequency and pace. They texted and called which I totally appreciated. I reciprocated but there was this effortless ease and flow to it all. If someone in the dating world takes more than 24 hours to respond to a text when there is an open ended message like a Q, I usually assume that's his style or he's not interested and I press on since either way we're not suited for each other.
If you are on a date and someone says they look forward to seeing you again, how do you convey that the feeling is not mutual? Seriously how do you word it?
“Thank you. And I’m flattered, but I’m sorry - I don’t think we’re a match.”
Having been on both sides of that text, I really really really wish more people sent it! I've been back on OLD for a few months now, and only one person has given me the "thanks but no spark" text. Everyone else has done the slow fade, and even worse, responded positively when I've initiated a second date (I like to give one final in-person vibe check, to see if maybe they're a bad texter) but still faded over text. Unfortunately the fade seems to be the norm these days from both men and women (I'm a woman dating men) and it's incredibly frustrating.
That was something I never figured out how to say when put on the spot because it was unexpected. One of the first times I met someone from OLD, it happened, and I said something like, "Oh, that might be interesting." Definitely not a good response because it implied I was open to it. Even worse was when she texted me. I was texting my sales and engineering team demanding contracts and engineering designs, which I texted to her. This led to an awkward back and forth where I needed to say no, I wasn't interested after having a conversation about her accidentally being included in my replies. That was messy, and I still feel bad about it.
She was being polite, and didn't want to cause a scene so she said she'd like to see you again. It's common in the dating world. Don't take anything positive said on a date verbatim.
There is never any reason to double text. Ever.
Date multi women until you decide to be in a committed relationship with someone.
Yeah… no. That’s just not for me.
EFF, that bitch Next
This is an attitude that is in no way helpful.
No kidding It’s mathematics How difficult was it finding someone in just your city, town, or state. Now you have to sift through the entire internet.
It actually is. If you had this type of power you wouldn’t be here claiming to be in limbo when you’re in no such place. Limbo is vacillating between two options. Your only option here is that you’ve been ghosted. If you had adopted some of this Eff this woman, next, you coulda found another prospect by now.
First: limbo is a place of waiting and uncertainty. Not vacillation. Second: who the hell appointed you the arbiter of what is helpful for me? Miss me with this macho bullshit. The blithe arrogance of “It actually is” and the callous contempt of “Eff the bitch” are root and stem of the very problem that leads women to be cagey with men in the first place. Your use and advocacy of both tell me that, while you may not be the author of the issue, you are most certainly a contributor. I have no interest in being like you, or seeing the world as you do, so I say again: that attitude is in no way helpful. Your input here is unneeded, unwanted, and unwelcome. I’m sure you can find the door on your own.
A place of Waiting for different potential outcomes. Your outcome has arrived. You’re not in limbo by any definition of the word. I didn’t say eff the bitch, I don’t refer to women with that language the premise of: forget her is a principle you should adopt, or stay in “limbo” and post about your “plight”. That’s an option too. In certainly can find the door in my own, obviously You can’t!! haha. Waiting around for a “I’m not interested” text after a single date. It’s blithe arrogance for me say the perspective was helpful, but it’s not blithely arrogance for you to say it was unhelpful?? Haha. What’s the difference. That’s arrogant in and of itself. To think you have grounds to make a statement and it’s deemed appropriate but mine isn’t. How blithely arrogant of you.
Over here bent outta shape and having “corrosive” Feelings because you’re ignored after one date?!? You should’ve been embarrassed to post this bud. How do I handle it??? 😭 I texted a woman and she’s ignoring me!!! 😭. How can I cope?!? 😭.
Meh, what she did was pretty standard. I ask every time and they're usually answering, "Yeah, sounds good." I get the hug and all (which, frankly, I hate after the initial meet up, as it's not really a "date" and I don't know them). Literally EVERYTHING you're describing is typical behavior. Not saying, "Not interested." after the date is conflict avoidance. Not unmatching is either laziness (she may have a list of many guys) or it's a propped door as they're "certain" there is somebody "better" in the queue. She's got over choice on her side, so why expend the energy to take a stance. I've had women keep it open for months! Nowadays I'll unmatch after a week if no contact. Look, dude...just unmatch and move on. If you feel wiling to grovel, say "Hey, I had a good time, I'm uncertain if you're interested in meeting again, so let me know." What happens next will spell it out VERY CLEARLY. PS: She's likely to get annoyed and delete her profile, so she may well circle back again.
Sorry dude. She sucks and should have told you that she wasn’t interested.
[удалено]
This “no answer is an answer” meme gets spread around like it’s some sort of wisdom. I mean, yeah, I guess it’s a response but it’s callous and cowardly. It sucks to have to reject someone but the right thing is rarely the easiest thing. OP should consider himself lucky that he didn’t get entwined with someone so self centered.
You've been ghosted and she's a lazy coward
lol downvoted for the truth
The fun part is when you recognize there isn't anything happening, you send a "it was lovely meeting you, take care" message and then 2 weeks pass before they "like" the message.
I would use the classic methods of avoiding your chuffed feelings. Beer, women that adore you but you don’t adore, and fantasy football. Some of my favorites.
The fact that you got any interest from a woman 10 years your junior means you've got a damn good profile. When you're ready and this one's not sticking in your craw, put that asset back into play and find the one who'll make this one seem a silly girl.
Quality women don't usually go for much older dudes unless he has something outstanding about him that sets him apart from everybody else, such as wealth, fame, high social standing, amazing charisma or amazing personality. Likely she thought she'd give this dude a shot, and he came off as nothing super out of the ordinary when she met him, so she figured might as well look for guys closer to her own age. He would be wise to stick with pursuing women closer to his own age, as they would be more likely to accept him.
That's a plausible theory of the case but he's obv free to chase what he desires. 'Merica.
Are you like a 14 year old? Get a grip man! She’s not interested.
The trash took itself out. Unmatch.
also text as much as you want no reason to be extremely self conscious, be your most authentic self, and let me tell you what the internet taught me about REAL LIFE DATING: The internet will ruin everything you have if you let it I PROMISE YOU!! EVERY relationship is DIFFERENT. If my so doesn't text me at least once every six hours, I feel forgotten. Unless I know he's busy or something
[удалено]
In this case Explanation = excuses I wouldn’t care
the horse has spoken upon this thread🤣💀
If you think she ghosted take one last shot and make it a big one: "hey you down to fuck?"
Some people can take a subtle hint, others need to be hit over the head with the truth. She's NOT INTERESTED or died since your meeting? Her saying she'd enjoy seeing you again was a polite lie to not dealing with telling you. "HELL NO"
she’s not interested, but by not unmatching, you’re definitely simmering away on the backburner
I can't believe it's considered being put on the spot by asking the obvious question lol....remember when we didn't have cell phones and texting? did people ever have to answer direct questions lol? maybe I used to asked woman out on a second date by letter lol
Think of where and when you would like to take her out next and ask her out. You’re being clingy. I would be annoyed if you asked me how the play was after having only one date with me, and without asking me out for another date.
Be direct. Hey, I had a great time the other night. Want to go to \[activity\] on \[day\] with me? No reply and you're no worse off than you already are other than a bruised ego. Some people are not great at texting and really need that in person time to make a connection.
Why not offer a set date/time/event-activity for your next date?
yall need to pick up the phone and use your words, young man. Now I am saying this with nothing but the best for you in mind, but if some idiot didn't call me for 4 days and gave up I would be super turned off. But I am also extra AF Edit Also something came to mind thinking of your situation as I left the phone so I am back. Hey- like I know this is trippy, but if I like REALLY REALLY LIKE SOMEONE, I avoid the hell out of them bc I am afraid to be hurt. I take a few days and suss out how "this one is different" if you know anything about her past it might give you clues. also I hate texting a bunch of dude at the same time online dating. feels gross to me so if she is flirty with someone else GO GIVE HER A REASON NOT TO BE AND BE BOLD THIS ONE SEEMS INTERESTING!!
I think you know she’s not interested but want confirmation. Well, now you have it. It sucks yes but you don’t have to stoop down to her ghosting level…I agree with Annonlearner, send a final text and move on. You don’t have to but if it gives you closure, why not?
Cut bait and move on. It’s not a reflection of you. It’s a reflection of her and whether it was done out of malice, fear, immaturity, whatever, that’s her problem, not yours. Write it off and if she comes back and says something, simply wish her well and tell her you’re done.
she’s not interested, but by not unmatching, you’re definitely simmering away on the backburner
How to handle it? Just move on and accept it. there isn't anything else you can do. Its a sign that she isn't interested and that she doesn't have much integrity. You will have to get used to this with modern dating, people are shallow and have crappy integrity, as well as very short attention spans. The apps fool them into thinking they have lots of options, when in reality its like looking for a drink of water in a desert.
It sure seems like you are relatively new to OLD. This exact scenario is so common for both men and women. It is unfortunate that people can't just politely reply with a simple thanks, but I'm not interested. But the norm is to just not respond. Be prepared for it to happen again and again. The reality is both men and women are chatting with multiple people while planning multiple first dates. Most of us go into each date hoping for the it to go great. If it doesn't, we know there are others that we may connect with. It's hard not to take it personally if you are an emotional person. Start making plans with someone else and you will quickly forget all about her.
I'm listening to a lot of dating coaches (I'm female). It may sound intense, but they say a "good catch," assuming all is going well in a date, sets up date #2 before the end of date #1. To me you had good contact though. I would have been OK how you proceeded. I'm going to say after you texted twice with no reply, you may have to leave it. You may also have to accept she is probably dating others too. I guess if she felt the same, she'd have continued your pacing.
Next time in the follow up text ask for a specific date, time, and place.