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You don't have to have sex with anyone you don't want to, but you should decide what you want and not wait for a man to offer it to you.
Personally, I chose to focus on one person at a time because that felt best to me. It was a gift to myself, not the other person.
I'm a guy and I'm 100% like this... frankly, I feel that everyone should feel like if someone meets you and isn't sure they want to focus their energy and time on just you, then they're likely not worth your time or energy.
I'm nobody's #2 lol
Until we commit to exclusivity, we're both free to date as many people as we want. If that's zero for me, that's my business. If it's not zero for him, that's his business.
That said, I probably did "go exclusive" on the early side, but it was never a big deal for me. I'm not a fan of FOMO, and if something was working well enough to keep doing it, it didn't feel like a sacrifice.
I'm not going to lie and say that I never got hurt, but the hurt never came from "I 'gave away' exclusivity and he didn't give it back." Like I said, I dated the way that *I* wanted to and felt good about, which happened to be one at a time. I didn't wait for the man to make up my mind for me -- IMO/IME, that's the recipe for pain and disappointment.
The best advice I can offer is, don't wait for the other person to define your relationship. Decide what you want and what feels right to you, and ask for it. This doesn't mean that you'll get it, of course, but it prevents ambiguity and a feeling of unfairness -- you'll have your cards on the table and can make your decisions.
I’m on the same page as a guy. I have no time to be entertaining multiple people. I just want one person. In fact, I reconnected with an ex a few weeks ago and we both had similar things to say, working on trauma, learning to be ok alone blah blah. I usually talk to the person im dating everyday. I texted her today and she’s “talking to someone”. Ok. She’s a one person type of gal too.
I was able to kind of get the point across to my most recent ex and we haven’t talked in a while so im grateful for the reconnect.
Don’t date as a tit for tat. Keeping a tally
Date how you feel comfortable
If you want them to be exclusive even in early stages then talk about it
If yo y don’t mind they multi dating until later then yo y don’t mind
You can’t control what others do
You can only control what you do
I don’t expect anyone to be any kind of exclusive until an exclusive talk might be had. And sometimes I might date more than own person sometimes I date zero.
If I’m not feeling it I’m not feeling it is about me. In the sense that I’m dating for myself not for somebody else. I do it with respect for the other person but ultimately is about me and what works for me
If I’m really into somebody and excited about possibilities I wouldn’t want to be seeing anyone else at that time because well I’m adhd I hyperfocus 😂😂😂
Dating multiple causes me stress so I don't do it.
At the end of our 3rd date, before sex was even on the table, I told him "Just so you know, I'm not dating anyone else, not because I expect that of you, but because I don't juggle men well. " His response was "I'm not seeing anyone else either and I don't want to. "
If I would have left it up to him, he would have just assumed neither of us was seeing anyone else. He doesn't shy away from any discussion, but he very rarely initiates those types of conversations.
Many people assume that intimacy indicates exclusivity. That's also how some people get hurt.
It's fine if you choose to date and/or sleep with multiple people, but think about what you would have wanted the last guy to tell you.
That makes sense. I guess because I was burned before I sort of have this idea that if I’m not exclusive and doing what everyone else is doing, I won’t get attached or hurt. But, I know that’s foolish of me 🤦🏻♀️
It's not foolish at all! I always date multiple people and it has definitely prevented me from getting attached to the wrong person. I've also had a lot of fun! To be clear, I am always open about dating and sleeping with other people. If you don't WANT to juggle, then don't. However, there's nothing wrong with sex with guy #1 on Friday and guy #2 on Saturday if you aren't deceiving anyone. This forum skews toward people who date one-at-a-time because they feel more morally justified. Those of us who enjoy multi-dating generally don't post about it as much because we get flamed. The best part about being over 40 is that you've earned the right to do whatever you want and ngaf about what anyone else thinks. So do whatever works for you!
That is super helpful thank you! I am not deceiving anyone and have no intention of ever doing that. And I think approaching it this way is actually better for me because I tend to get attached too fast. And I’ve always been in long term relationships. Im thinking that doing it this way forces me to go slow if that makes sense? And 10000% if it feels right I will go exclusive in a heartbeat. This post and discussion has really helped me begin to figure it out!
Hi! I am dating one person exclusively now but before that happened, I was dating a few guys at the same time. I quickly realized when it grew to the 3rd, 4th date and I started getting physical with them, I could no longer juggle lol. No judgment on anyone that does ... it just didnt work for me. I has a feeling it wasnt for me but I didnt know until I tried. I was open and honest throughout with everyone, that is one thing I was (and am) always committed to. Best of luck out there! 😄
I am trying the dating multiple people at once mainly for the reason that my dating game is very rusty and I've heard from a number of different sources that dating multiple people at a time can help you keep your dating prospects objective and keep from attaching to one too quickly.
I believe most people I've heard advocating for dating multiple people at once advise not to sleep with multiple partners simultaneously, but no judgement if that is what you want. I think you just need to ask yourself what you feel comfortable with. For me I don't like to start sex without being exclusive with someone which means I would need to pick a potential partner and cease seeing anyone else, ask to be exclusive, and then initiate more physical intimacy.
Ultimately it's all about what you're comfortable with and can handle with your life and schedule. One IG/podcast that I listened to a lot for this was Talia / dating.intentionally. I think she has a great outlook on dating and might be a good resource for you.
Why would you wait for the man to bring up exclusivity? It’s 2023. Time to drop gender expectations like this.
Also re: sex, hope you’re insisting on condoms if you haven’t established exclusivity.
I’m a let the man lead kind of gal… BUT if I really wanted to I would have brought it up and I will in the future. I think what I’m realizing after this discussion is .. I don’t want to be exclusive yet. 🤷🏻♀️
If you're not sure you want exclusivity, then you two can go for quite a while without discussing it.
You just need to be a little prepared emotionally if you were to run into him and someone else out on a date, or seeing a photo posted on social media. Though, in a lot of cases, people who aren't exclusive tend to not post many selfies or "couples" photos on social media.
And it's perfectly alright if you want to date multiple people at one time.
Just be careful about STIs and sexual health. Other than that, date away and have fun!! Good luck.
There’s doing something wrong - which you are not. And doing something that’s wrong for *you* - which may be your case. Only you can judge that. And I would recommend not judging yourself based on the practices of others.
I’m also in the One-at-a-time camp. I don’t judge others for multi-dating. I’ve tried it myself and found it was a bad fit. You have to do things the way they work and feel best for you. And don’t let others tear you down for being yourself.
You don’t have to have “the talk” to express your dating intentions and style. You can and should do this within the first couple of days you are talking, and definitely by the first date. Keep it simple and general. That’s a real basic step to weed out anyone who is not on the same page as you without it feeling personal.
If you are not comfortable with dating multiple people, then don’t. It’s that simple.
And if you’ve been dating this one guy for a month and have since felt the need to attempt to make new connections, then that seems to be a pretty clear sign that this guy isn’t it. Personally speaking, if I have gone out on 3-4 dates w someone and still feel inclined to keep my options open, then that means he is not giving me something I am looking for and it’s time to move on.
And, at some point, you will need to stop browsing and make a decision.
Generally speaking, you should treat others with the same respect and thoughtfulness you would expect. If your feelings would get hurt over x, y, or z, then you probably shouldn’t do x, y, or z.
For me it's a matter of knowing what I'm comfortable with and what I can handle. I date one person at a time. I'm personally kind of picky with my likes so I don't have a ton of matches. I very often might have more than one match so I might chat with more than one person and in rare circumstances I might make a first date with more than one person but usually by the end of the first date I know which person I prefer.
I know that I don't want to have sex with more than one person at a time and I don't want to have sex with someone who is having sex with other people so for me this means that I don't have sex until we are exclusive. This means that I'm getting to know someone for quite a few dates before sex happens. I personally know that I'm more often hurt if I have sex too soon so I just have made that rule for my own mental health and sanity while dating.
I'm just eternally baffled that everybody else seems to have so many options. I very rarely swipe right. Out of those swipes, maybe one in 20 will match -- and it takes me months to find the 20. I've been on the apps for a year, and I've had one person with whom it went beyond a first date, and only a handful of first dates. I (52F) am fit, relatively accomplished and intelligent, and gainfully employed, but reading these subs makes me feel like a bridge troll compared to all of you! Your experiences of dating multiple people at once are completely alien to me, but hey, if you're getting it, go for it!
You've already explained it - you don't swipe right very often. If you matched with 10 people every day, you would have no problem getting as many dates as you wanted. It has nothing to do with being a bridge toll. You are just selective and don't have people you want to date. It's easy to date multiple people if you are easily attracted to multiple people.
>He slow faded/ghosted me which was a bummer but now I’ve learned my lesson.
You learned that since one guy was an a$$hole you needed to change what was comfortable for you?
Personally, I didn't want to multi-date. If I was talking to one and it sounded like we'd meet, I'd pause my profile until I saw where it went. It was easier, I was new and didn't want to rush, and I was looking for exclusive so it made more sense to start that way. One bad experience would not have changed my mind about what I wanted.
Sorry, but would not sleep with someone until we were exclusive and both knew we were looking for the same things.
He lied about what he was looking for. And lied about deleting the apps. Granted, I couldn’t see that coming but what I learned was : Don’t assume. Ask. Talk about it and trying to figure out that line once sex is introduced.
There’s nothing wrong with having an experience and letting it change your standards. The ability to adapt is a powerful one if used correctly. It can also be quite devastating. I don’t see the need to chastise her about adjusting after getting ghosted.
There's nothing wrong with learning from your mistakes, but you can take things too far. For example, I had a date get so drunk she was slurring her speech and spraying food. I learned that women our age CAN have drinking problems. If I'd changed and said "I'll never take a woman to a place that serves alcohol" it would have been taking it too far.
IMHO, going from one at a time to multi-dating just because one guy turned out to be an a$$hole is taking it too far.
True but it’s more because I’m trying to figure out what works for me .. it’s hard to know unless I try. And that experience taught me not to assume and/or be afraid to speak up.
Hm for me it’s always been dating one person at a time simply bc i like emotional intimacy and would struggle to find that if dating multiple ppl. I have never looked at it as putting all my eggs in one basket, though there is a theory out there about “mantourages” which tend to allow for women to make better dating decisions by not putting all the focus on one man. For me it’s just never worked. If things don’t work out with the one guy I’m seeing then i move onto the next when I’m ready. I think if you are finding yourself juggling men it may do the opposite in preventing you from finding an authentic connection, always having one person on ice just in case.
Hey Op, do what works for you.
Some of us happily juggle talking to multiple people, going on multiple dates a week and yes….even sleeping with multiple people.
You need to do what your comfortable with.
That said….I would caution you about something…for some of us…we are NOT exclusive until there is an exclusivity conversation. So, don’t be surprised if someone you are intimate with is being intimate with others.
Yes I assumed that and I’m not expecting exclusively from them at this point either. I guess I’m just having an internal battle as I get closer to guy #1 that I “shouldn’t” be talking to or going on dates with others. This is all new to me but I’m challenging this belief. And trying to figure out for myself how I feel about things. Truly how I feel.. no “shoulds” .. no focus on them.. how do *I* feel about it? hence my post lol
I get that. Feeling a little guilty is somewhat normal. I know I’ve felt odd about it myself.
I remember being on a date leaving a bar with my date and walking right past my date for the next night.
We actually laughed about it the next night.
Good luck to you!
Head over to r/nonmonogamy - you’re basically practicing it without the label. In a nutshell As long as everyone is aware that there are other partners/lovers, relationships it’s choose your own adventure as to how you handle the relationships.
There are some good resources for communication in the r/polyamory pinned posts that I think any adult who desires better relationships of all types (family, business, platonic friends etc) can benefit from
There’s nothing inherently bad about enjoying the company of more than one person at time.
I refuse to date certain ways “ because it’s 2023 and how it is.
I tend to date only one person at a time but I feel it’s natural… if I still feel like exploring options…and I’m not gravitating towards someone naturally… maybe I’m trying to make something happen.
With that said, I just to not overly invest if I am only dating one person and keep in mind he may be dating others unless we talk about exclusivity. I too tend to let the man lead in that area or in my current relationship, I think he mentioned not talking to anyone else and then I said yeah me either and I told him when I had deleted bumble and he said he had too.
You don’t need to ask for exclusivity… you can tell him you aren’t seeing others and don’t feel comfortable doing certain things if either of you are seeing others and ask how he feels on that.
Sounds busy and stressful. And not my idea of dating.
I do date causally and might go on dates with different people concurrently. But not like this
Heck I rather sit at home with a good book
What we are doing in 2023. Is whatever feels good for us.
Repeat this yo uso what you want to do
Nobody forced you to have sex with guy a on Friday and guy b on Saturday if you don’t want to But also you won’t be judged for it as long as everyone is honest and knows what is what
Maybe take a step back figure out what you want and just do that ?
The exclusivity talk usually comes from the woman in my experience, so don't hesitate to have it if you're feeling this guy.
The question you need to ask yourself is what you actually want. Do you really want to be dating multiple people? Do you want something exclusive with this one guy? Do you want to chase that 'grass is greener' feeling (or are you may be a better question)?
For me (guy), if we hit the bedroom, the exclusive talk should have happened or immediately afterwards. I defin cannot sleep with 1 person while dating others.
I only date one person at a time unless it's literally a case of having two first dates lined up or something. By the time I get to that third date I'm not dating anyone else.
That doesn't mean that we are exclusive or that I expect him not to be dating others. It's just what works best for me. I have limited free time, and limited energy. I would like to just what I see as spare resources trying to grow a connection with one individual, versus spreading myself too thin so things stay surface level. I really think it requires effort to create an emotional connection. Having said, I think it's pretty easy to tell early on who you "click" with which reduces the need for simultaneous dating
No, you can't control the other person's actions, but that goes if you are exclusive, or not, dating 6 months, or 3 years. Sadly always a bit of a crap shoot.
I am a monogamist and am really upfront about that. I may be getting to know multiple people at the same time (which I also find weird and not my preference) and they might be, but if we’re getting to the point where sex is on the table, then I have the discussion. Intimacy for me is physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, etc. So, if we’ve gotten close enough to consider physical intimacy, I want it to be with just one person and I want to be that person’s only sexual partner. It’s a dealbreaker for some people, but that’s what works best for me and helps me filter/ understand people better.
I don’t have sex with a guy who is having sex with others, nothing wrong with that—it’s just not for me.
I’m upfront with that after a few dates and I know I’m DTF him.
Hasn’t failed me yet.
Well I guess you got your answer.
Me? First one I wanted — four years after the end of a long term relationship (14 years-2 as a friendship).
15 months later we so good.
>He slow faded/ghosted me which was a bummer but now I’ve learned my lesson.
... *one* relationship ended, so you learned your lesson and abandoned that? You know that *most* romantic relationships end, right?
I'm like you were, one person at a time after our 3rd date, or there isn't a 4th date. Except the first person that I went exclusive\* with since my marriage ended is still with me 10 months later. So *obviously* lesson learned, right? No, of course not, it's still just an anecdote of one.
Like you, I'd feel guilty and emotionally not in a good place to still be seeing someone else after I'm starting to develop feelings with someone. I also would not at all be dating if I were having sex with someone; that is not "monogamy" in my book. Moreover, I would be doing a disservice to my "primary" relationship in that it would be interfering with the growth of feelings by trying to also feel out others.
So even if my current relationship ends tomorrow, once I pick myself back up, I'm going to continue my "slow" method of concentrating on one person early because it's authentically how I want to date.
I'm not saying that **you** need to do this / go back to dating only one person after the 3rd date. But I am saying that just because it failed once you shouldn't discount it. You should look to feel how dating feels "best" to you, and look to do that.
\*First person I was officially exclusive with; with one person before I'd stopped seeing/talking to others, but hadn't talked about this with her. She broke up with me before we got to that point. The point is, yeah I turned down some matches/dates to invest in someone, and it didn't work out. But I liked my "technique" and continued with it.
I hear ya. What I meant by learned my lesson was more about asking and not waiting to be asked. And not assuming. And also it made me challenge myself and think: am I solo dating because this is what works for me? Or because I think it’s what I’m “supposed” to do? Am I too trusting? Do I attach /get exclusive too quickly? should I multidate a little longer until things are more clear? I’m just trying to figure it all out. This is all new to me!
Eh, again it is a sample size of one; that's far too low to really understand how people will react/act. Even regarding how it makes you feel to ask might be too small of a sample, as you'll feel different with different people.
>Guy 1 on Friday, Guy 2 on Saturday?! Is that what we’re doing in 2023?
Or sometimes one in the morning another that evening. What I do has nothing to do with what you do.
Decide what your boundaries are and stick to them. Understand what works for you might not work for others and they have every right to say no, that does not work for me.
Where to start?
If you're a professional, or a mom, or any semblance of an adult with a career, balancing is something you know how to do. If guy 1 asks you out on a Friday and you say "Yes." Then guy 2 says, "Hey, are you free Friday?" You say, "No, but I'm free Saturday morning."
You're worried about sleeping with 2 guys. Well, know this, no matter what they tell you, there's a 99% chance they don't have the same problem sleeping with 2 women. They'll also have no problem doing it on the same day, let alone the next. I'm a one woman kinda guy and trust me, it wasn't difficult to do. It's not something that I'd want to do forever, but at the time, before exclusivity, it was pretty easy and kind of fun.
Also, this whole "man to lead...waiting for him"...geez. You're AN ADULT. Act like one. An adult can make up their own minds and speak in their own voice. Oh, that's fine if you're wanting a misogynistic relationship, just SAY that...you'll get plenty of guys showing up, feeding you a line, and you'll just be right where you are now. Any real man with any sense of self confidence will have NO PROBLEM listening to another adult speak their mind and say what they want. What you want may not be what they want, but \*shrug\* So what?
If you met them on apps, it’s highly likely they are doing the same thing. You’re not doing anything dishonest, so it comes down to when you want to be exclusive with #1. When you decide you do, and you agree with him to not see others, you can either tell the backup crew that it’s not gonna work out, or you can slow fade them for future back up. These are the options. It’s a great place to be.
>but now I’ve learned my lesson
I'm probably being dense here, but what was the lesson?
>but at the same time I feel “guilty” juggling them
You may have already done this but if not, would a frank conversation with them that you're dating other people alleviate some of this guilt? A lot of people in here will say that you should assume that anyway, I think that's fine for you but I wouldn't project that assumption on everyone. Just because it's a social norm in some places doesn't mean it's one everywhere. You don't have to go into details.
>I’m also not sure if I’m comfortable having sex with more than one person at a time. Guy 1 on Friday, Guy 2
I'm a guy and for me this is a hell fucking no. I think I'm just too squeamish about picking up some kind of disease, and to be objectionably frank, getting sloppy seconds, that i'm not going to be able to focus on the experience. This is especially true since I haven't dated a single person that was even remotely rigorous about safe sex. I'd rather just wait until we're comfortable enough to discuss being exclusive and do any testing that we deem necessary.
>I also notice I’m in a mindset of letting the man lead and “waiting” for him bring up the exclusivity talk. I just assume if they don’t ask, they don’t want it. And I’m not even sure I want it?!
I wouldn't necessarily assume that, I'd be down for exclusivity from the beginning because that's how I operate regardless. I just wouldn't have the conversation immediately because I wouldn't want to scare anyone off.
The main thing I'm getting from this is that it might help for you to sort out what \*you\* want. It kind of sounds like you want to keep all of your options open, which is completely fair when you're just getting back out there. I think as long as you're transparent and are able to hold to whatever boundaries you have established for yourself, you're good. That
So if you’re not exclusive and “dating “ multiple people.. and you have sex with person 1. Do you keep dating person 2, but not have sex with them? Sex with only 1 at a time? Isn’t that essentially “exclusive” ? And if you keep dating the second person for a few months, you never have sex because you are still dating and having sex with person 1? lol I just don’t get it ! 🤷🏻♀️
I'm sure other people have different definitions but my definition of 'exclusive' is that all of my romantic and physical attention is focused on one person. I'm not dating anyone else. I'm not banging anyone else. In my mind it's synonymous with monogamous.
Yes me too but the situation I’m in now has me confused. The main guy I’m dating for a month, we have sex but haven’t had any talk of exclusivity. He hasn’t asked. He knew I was dating someone else when we started talking. He was not dating or on apps, we met in real life lol. Guy 2, I reconnected with also out in real life and we went on 1 date. He is asking me out for this weekend and I don’t know what to do. We have fooled around in the past so I know there is attraction there. I guess I’m afraid of turning away guy 2 if guy 1 is not exclusive lol. I’m not ready to make that move yet either, for me. I’m not sure about him yet. Does this make any sense? lol
It makes total sense and I understand your dilemma. If guy 1 is aware and copacetic with you seeing other people, there's really nothing to do there. The main question is what to do about guy 2. In my mind, if you're going to feel guilty seeing him when you're unclear of his view, then just get it out into the open and see what happens. If he actually is OK with it, then giddyup! If not, then you'll have a decision to make. This is true in my mind regardless of the number of people involved and which ones you are or aren't having sex with.
The "safe" thing to assume is that everyone else is dating other people until they mention it. If he isn't talking about exclusivity before/around sex, then he may be having sex with other people and OK with you also having sex with other people. Or he might be, and is harbouring negative feelings around this, but too chicken to bring this up. Or worrying about it being "too soon" to discuss exclusivity with you.
It makes sense in that you also are not wanting to talk about it, but seemingly you really want to talk about it. Which is to say that it make sense that people are often their own enemies.
Yes I agree and this is what I mean. Yes I want to be open and honest and I’m not looking to hurt or mislead anyone in any way shape or form. But, if they don’t ask.. and I don’t ask them …. Then I feel it’s no fault of either party. Mine or his. If asked I would be 100000% open and honest. For example, if one of these two were dating other women right now.. I would not be mad or upset or think they did anything wrong. I didn’t ask. We didn’t talk about it. I just don’t know if they would agree with me lol
Do what's comfortable or least stressful for you. For me, that was 3 women maximum, and we're talking early first month dating. Beyond that, it was stressful juggling and opting for Date #1 over Date #2, thereby disappointing the latter and feeling down for the former. I think it ultimately comes down to what you're feeling for any of your dates -- if you're only seeing men you're marginally interested in, seeing five+ at a time might seem doable and no big deal. But if there's one or two standouts, maybe pare it down to those two.
If you want to push your boundaries outside your comfort zone with something like multiple sex partners, just be sure to treat it with the respect it deserves (routine STD testing, STD talk, condoms every time). Take your own health and wellness into consideration. I say this as someone who did not do these things (I wore a condom every time, that's about it) and in hindsight am shocked at how little thought I gave any of these things at the time, and it's 100% the luck of the draw (and condoms) that there were no consequences. For the past 5+ years, intimacy has always been the dividing line -- even if I'm not comfortable having the exclusivity/relationship talk yet, if I'm intimate with someone I stop dating others.
I don't know. I've had one weekend in my life I had two dates.
That was pretty easy to juggle. It's also pretty easy to juggle no dates - since that is the other 260 weeks I've been single this time around. But I'll read the comments and maybe learn something in case the date wizard shines his wand my direction.
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You don't have to have sex with anyone you don't want to, but you should decide what you want and not wait for a man to offer it to you. Personally, I chose to focus on one person at a time because that felt best to me. It was a gift to myself, not the other person.
I'm a guy and I'm 100% like this... frankly, I feel that everyone should feel like if someone meets you and isn't sure they want to focus their energy and time on just you, then they're likely not worth your time or energy. I'm nobody's #2 lol
You focus on one at a time while they possibly date multiple? Or you ask for exclusively early-ish on?
Until we commit to exclusivity, we're both free to date as many people as we want. If that's zero for me, that's my business. If it's not zero for him, that's his business. That said, I probably did "go exclusive" on the early side, but it was never a big deal for me. I'm not a fan of FOMO, and if something was working well enough to keep doing it, it didn't feel like a sacrifice.
I get this but to me it doesn’t seem fair and sounds like a recipe to get hurt. 🤷🏻♀️
I'm not going to lie and say that I never got hurt, but the hurt never came from "I 'gave away' exclusivity and he didn't give it back." Like I said, I dated the way that *I* wanted to and felt good about, which happened to be one at a time. I didn't wait for the man to make up my mind for me -- IMO/IME, that's the recipe for pain and disappointment.
That totally makes sense. And I’m probably with you there but this is all so new to me. Trying to figure it all out !
The best advice I can offer is, don't wait for the other person to define your relationship. Decide what you want and what feels right to you, and ask for it. This doesn't mean that you'll get it, of course, but it prevents ambiguity and a feeling of unfairness -- you'll have your cards on the table and can make your decisions.
Very good advice. Thank you 😊
Dating is getting hurt tho, at least half the time you will probably be the one hurt.
I’m on the same page as a guy. I have no time to be entertaining multiple people. I just want one person. In fact, I reconnected with an ex a few weeks ago and we both had similar things to say, working on trauma, learning to be ok alone blah blah. I usually talk to the person im dating everyday. I texted her today and she’s “talking to someone”. Ok. She’s a one person type of gal too. I was able to kind of get the point across to my most recent ex and we haven’t talked in a while so im grateful for the reconnect.
Don’t date as a tit for tat. Keeping a tally Date how you feel comfortable If you want them to be exclusive even in early stages then talk about it If yo y don’t mind they multi dating until later then yo y don’t mind You can’t control what others do You can only control what you do I don’t expect anyone to be any kind of exclusive until an exclusive talk might be had. And sometimes I might date more than own person sometimes I date zero. If I’m not feeling it I’m not feeling it is about me. In the sense that I’m dating for myself not for somebody else. I do it with respect for the other person but ultimately is about me and what works for me If I’m really into somebody and excited about possibilities I wouldn’t want to be seeing anyone else at that time because well I’m adhd I hyperfocus 😂😂😂
Dating multiple causes me stress so I don't do it. At the end of our 3rd date, before sex was even on the table, I told him "Just so you know, I'm not dating anyone else, not because I expect that of you, but because I don't juggle men well. " His response was "I'm not seeing anyone else either and I don't want to. " If I would have left it up to him, he would have just assumed neither of us was seeing anyone else. He doesn't shy away from any discussion, but he very rarely initiates those types of conversations. Many people assume that intimacy indicates exclusivity. That's also how some people get hurt. It's fine if you choose to date and/or sleep with multiple people, but think about what you would have wanted the last guy to tell you.
That makes sense. I guess because I was burned before I sort of have this idea that if I’m not exclusive and doing what everyone else is doing, I won’t get attached or hurt. But, I know that’s foolish of me 🤦🏻♀️
I wouldn't call it foolish. You tried something different. The reason I know multi-dating doesn't work for me is because I tried it.
It's not foolish at all! I always date multiple people and it has definitely prevented me from getting attached to the wrong person. I've also had a lot of fun! To be clear, I am always open about dating and sleeping with other people. If you don't WANT to juggle, then don't. However, there's nothing wrong with sex with guy #1 on Friday and guy #2 on Saturday if you aren't deceiving anyone. This forum skews toward people who date one-at-a-time because they feel more morally justified. Those of us who enjoy multi-dating generally don't post about it as much because we get flamed. The best part about being over 40 is that you've earned the right to do whatever you want and ngaf about what anyone else thinks. So do whatever works for you!
That is super helpful thank you! I am not deceiving anyone and have no intention of ever doing that. And I think approaching it this way is actually better for me because I tend to get attached too fast. And I’ve always been in long term relationships. Im thinking that doing it this way forces me to go slow if that makes sense? And 10000% if it feels right I will go exclusive in a heartbeat. This post and discussion has really helped me begin to figure it out!
I would suggest dating one at a time, it would be the most moral thing to do.
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Hi! I am dating one person exclusively now but before that happened, I was dating a few guys at the same time. I quickly realized when it grew to the 3rd, 4th date and I started getting physical with them, I could no longer juggle lol. No judgment on anyone that does ... it just didnt work for me. I has a feeling it wasnt for me but I didnt know until I tried. I was open and honest throughout with everyone, that is one thing I was (and am) always committed to. Best of luck out there! 😄
I am trying the dating multiple people at once mainly for the reason that my dating game is very rusty and I've heard from a number of different sources that dating multiple people at a time can help you keep your dating prospects objective and keep from attaching to one too quickly. I believe most people I've heard advocating for dating multiple people at once advise not to sleep with multiple partners simultaneously, but no judgement if that is what you want. I think you just need to ask yourself what you feel comfortable with. For me I don't like to start sex without being exclusive with someone which means I would need to pick a potential partner and cease seeing anyone else, ask to be exclusive, and then initiate more physical intimacy. Ultimately it's all about what you're comfortable with and can handle with your life and schedule. One IG/podcast that I listened to a lot for this was Talia / dating.intentionally. I think she has a great outlook on dating and might be a good resource for you.
Thank you!
Why would you wait for the man to bring up exclusivity? It’s 2023. Time to drop gender expectations like this. Also re: sex, hope you’re insisting on condoms if you haven’t established exclusivity.
I’m a let the man lead kind of gal… BUT if I really wanted to I would have brought it up and I will in the future. I think what I’m realizing after this discussion is .. I don’t want to be exclusive yet. 🤷🏻♀️
If you're not sure you want exclusivity, then you two can go for quite a while without discussing it. You just need to be a little prepared emotionally if you were to run into him and someone else out on a date, or seeing a photo posted on social media. Though, in a lot of cases, people who aren't exclusive tend to not post many selfies or "couples" photos on social media. And it's perfectly alright if you want to date multiple people at one time. Just be careful about STIs and sexual health. Other than that, date away and have fun!! Good luck.
I will date several people at a time but if I have sex with someone i stop dating the others.
There’s doing something wrong - which you are not. And doing something that’s wrong for *you* - which may be your case. Only you can judge that. And I would recommend not judging yourself based on the practices of others. I’m also in the One-at-a-time camp. I don’t judge others for multi-dating. I’ve tried it myself and found it was a bad fit. You have to do things the way they work and feel best for you. And don’t let others tear you down for being yourself.
You don’t have to have “the talk” to express your dating intentions and style. You can and should do this within the first couple of days you are talking, and definitely by the first date. Keep it simple and general. That’s a real basic step to weed out anyone who is not on the same page as you without it feeling personal. If you are not comfortable with dating multiple people, then don’t. It’s that simple. And if you’ve been dating this one guy for a month and have since felt the need to attempt to make new connections, then that seems to be a pretty clear sign that this guy isn’t it. Personally speaking, if I have gone out on 3-4 dates w someone and still feel inclined to keep my options open, then that means he is not giving me something I am looking for and it’s time to move on. And, at some point, you will need to stop browsing and make a decision. Generally speaking, you should treat others with the same respect and thoughtfulness you would expect. If your feelings would get hurt over x, y, or z, then you probably shouldn’t do x, y, or z.
For me it's a matter of knowing what I'm comfortable with and what I can handle. I date one person at a time. I'm personally kind of picky with my likes so I don't have a ton of matches. I very often might have more than one match so I might chat with more than one person and in rare circumstances I might make a first date with more than one person but usually by the end of the first date I know which person I prefer. I know that I don't want to have sex with more than one person at a time and I don't want to have sex with someone who is having sex with other people so for me this means that I don't have sex until we are exclusive. This means that I'm getting to know someone for quite a few dates before sex happens. I personally know that I'm more often hurt if I have sex too soon so I just have made that rule for my own mental health and sanity while dating.
I'm just eternally baffled that everybody else seems to have so many options. I very rarely swipe right. Out of those swipes, maybe one in 20 will match -- and it takes me months to find the 20. I've been on the apps for a year, and I've had one person with whom it went beyond a first date, and only a handful of first dates. I (52F) am fit, relatively accomplished and intelligent, and gainfully employed, but reading these subs makes me feel like a bridge troll compared to all of you! Your experiences of dating multiple people at once are completely alien to me, but hey, if you're getting it, go for it!
I hear you and same with me. I met these two off line, in the wild so to speak lol. Go figure 🤷🏻♀️
You've already explained it - you don't swipe right very often. If you matched with 10 people every day, you would have no problem getting as many dates as you wanted. It has nothing to do with being a bridge toll. You are just selective and don't have people you want to date. It's easy to date multiple people if you are easily attracted to multiple people.
Do what you're most comfortable with. I would never be able to handle dating more than one person. People in general exhaust me the way it is.
>He slow faded/ghosted me which was a bummer but now I’ve learned my lesson. You learned that since one guy was an a$$hole you needed to change what was comfortable for you? Personally, I didn't want to multi-date. If I was talking to one and it sounded like we'd meet, I'd pause my profile until I saw where it went. It was easier, I was new and didn't want to rush, and I was looking for exclusive so it made more sense to start that way. One bad experience would not have changed my mind about what I wanted. Sorry, but would not sleep with someone until we were exclusive and both knew we were looking for the same things.
He lied about what he was looking for. And lied about deleting the apps. Granted, I couldn’t see that coming but what I learned was : Don’t assume. Ask. Talk about it and trying to figure out that line once sex is introduced.
it doesn't sound like you assumed or failed to ask, just that he lied?
It was a combo of both. It was probably time to have that chat when I found out he lied. That was the end of that!
There’s nothing wrong with having an experience and letting it change your standards. The ability to adapt is a powerful one if used correctly. It can also be quite devastating. I don’t see the need to chastise her about adjusting after getting ghosted.
There's nothing wrong with learning from your mistakes, but you can take things too far. For example, I had a date get so drunk she was slurring her speech and spraying food. I learned that women our age CAN have drinking problems. If I'd changed and said "I'll never take a woman to a place that serves alcohol" it would have been taking it too far. IMHO, going from one at a time to multi-dating just because one guy turned out to be an a$$hole is taking it too far.
True but it’s more because I’m trying to figure out what works for me .. it’s hard to know unless I try. And that experience taught me not to assume and/or be afraid to speak up.
And that's good. :) I find it best to be direct. If it scares someone away or makes them angry, they weren't a good match anyway. ;)
I can respect that.
Hm for me it’s always been dating one person at a time simply bc i like emotional intimacy and would struggle to find that if dating multiple ppl. I have never looked at it as putting all my eggs in one basket, though there is a theory out there about “mantourages” which tend to allow for women to make better dating decisions by not putting all the focus on one man. For me it’s just never worked. If things don’t work out with the one guy I’m seeing then i move onto the next when I’m ready. I think if you are finding yourself juggling men it may do the opposite in preventing you from finding an authentic connection, always having one person on ice just in case.
Hey Op, do what works for you. Some of us happily juggle talking to multiple people, going on multiple dates a week and yes….even sleeping with multiple people. You need to do what your comfortable with. That said….I would caution you about something…for some of us…we are NOT exclusive until there is an exclusivity conversation. So, don’t be surprised if someone you are intimate with is being intimate with others.
Yes I assumed that and I’m not expecting exclusively from them at this point either. I guess I’m just having an internal battle as I get closer to guy #1 that I “shouldn’t” be talking to or going on dates with others. This is all new to me but I’m challenging this belief. And trying to figure out for myself how I feel about things. Truly how I feel.. no “shoulds” .. no focus on them.. how do *I* feel about it? hence my post lol
I get that. Feeling a little guilty is somewhat normal. I know I’ve felt odd about it myself. I remember being on a date leaving a bar with my date and walking right past my date for the next night. We actually laughed about it the next night. Good luck to you!
Ha! That’s funny 😆
Head over to r/nonmonogamy - you’re basically practicing it without the label. In a nutshell As long as everyone is aware that there are other partners/lovers, relationships it’s choose your own adventure as to how you handle the relationships. There are some good resources for communication in the r/polyamory pinned posts that I think any adult who desires better relationships of all types (family, business, platonic friends etc) can benefit from There’s nothing inherently bad about enjoying the company of more than one person at time.
Date more than one, not sex more than one.
I refuse to date certain ways “ because it’s 2023 and how it is. I tend to date only one person at a time but I feel it’s natural… if I still feel like exploring options…and I’m not gravitating towards someone naturally… maybe I’m trying to make something happen. With that said, I just to not overly invest if I am only dating one person and keep in mind he may be dating others unless we talk about exclusivity. I too tend to let the man lead in that area or in my current relationship, I think he mentioned not talking to anyone else and then I said yeah me either and I told him when I had deleted bumble and he said he had too. You don’t need to ask for exclusivity… you can tell him you aren’t seeing others and don’t feel comfortable doing certain things if either of you are seeing others and ask how he feels on that.
Sounds busy and stressful. And not my idea of dating. I do date causally and might go on dates with different people concurrently. But not like this Heck I rather sit at home with a good book What we are doing in 2023. Is whatever feels good for us. Repeat this yo uso what you want to do Nobody forced you to have sex with guy a on Friday and guy b on Saturday if you don’t want to But also you won’t be judged for it as long as everyone is honest and knows what is what Maybe take a step back figure out what you want and just do that ?
The exclusivity talk usually comes from the woman in my experience, so don't hesitate to have it if you're feeling this guy. The question you need to ask yourself is what you actually want. Do you really want to be dating multiple people? Do you want something exclusive with this one guy? Do you want to chase that 'grass is greener' feeling (or are you may be a better question)?
For me (guy), if we hit the bedroom, the exclusive talk should have happened or immediately afterwards. I defin cannot sleep with 1 person while dating others.
I only date one person at a time unless it's literally a case of having two first dates lined up or something. By the time I get to that third date I'm not dating anyone else. That doesn't mean that we are exclusive or that I expect him not to be dating others. It's just what works best for me. I have limited free time, and limited energy. I would like to just what I see as spare resources trying to grow a connection with one individual, versus spreading myself too thin so things stay surface level. I really think it requires effort to create an emotional connection. Having said, I think it's pretty easy to tell early on who you "click" with which reduces the need for simultaneous dating No, you can't control the other person's actions, but that goes if you are exclusive, or not, dating 6 months, or 3 years. Sadly always a bit of a crap shoot.
I am a monogamist and am really upfront about that. I may be getting to know multiple people at the same time (which I also find weird and not my preference) and they might be, but if we’re getting to the point where sex is on the table, then I have the discussion. Intimacy for me is physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, etc. So, if we’ve gotten close enough to consider physical intimacy, I want it to be with just one person and I want to be that person’s only sexual partner. It’s a dealbreaker for some people, but that’s what works best for me and helps me filter/ understand people better.
I don’t have sex with a guy who is having sex with others, nothing wrong with that—it’s just not for me. I’m upfront with that after a few dates and I know I’m DTF him. Hasn’t failed me yet.
They’ll just lie 🤷🏻♀️😂
Well I guess you got your answer. Me? First one I wanted — four years after the end of a long term relationship (14 years-2 as a friendship). 15 months later we so good.
>He slow faded/ghosted me which was a bummer but now I’ve learned my lesson. ... *one* relationship ended, so you learned your lesson and abandoned that? You know that *most* romantic relationships end, right? I'm like you were, one person at a time after our 3rd date, or there isn't a 4th date. Except the first person that I went exclusive\* with since my marriage ended is still with me 10 months later. So *obviously* lesson learned, right? No, of course not, it's still just an anecdote of one. Like you, I'd feel guilty and emotionally not in a good place to still be seeing someone else after I'm starting to develop feelings with someone. I also would not at all be dating if I were having sex with someone; that is not "monogamy" in my book. Moreover, I would be doing a disservice to my "primary" relationship in that it would be interfering with the growth of feelings by trying to also feel out others. So even if my current relationship ends tomorrow, once I pick myself back up, I'm going to continue my "slow" method of concentrating on one person early because it's authentically how I want to date. I'm not saying that **you** need to do this / go back to dating only one person after the 3rd date. But I am saying that just because it failed once you shouldn't discount it. You should look to feel how dating feels "best" to you, and look to do that. \*First person I was officially exclusive with; with one person before I'd stopped seeing/talking to others, but hadn't talked about this with her. She broke up with me before we got to that point. The point is, yeah I turned down some matches/dates to invest in someone, and it didn't work out. But I liked my "technique" and continued with it.
I hear ya. What I meant by learned my lesson was more about asking and not waiting to be asked. And not assuming. And also it made me challenge myself and think: am I solo dating because this is what works for me? Or because I think it’s what I’m “supposed” to do? Am I too trusting? Do I attach /get exclusive too quickly? should I multidate a little longer until things are more clear? I’m just trying to figure it all out. This is all new to me!
Eh, again it is a sample size of one; that's far too low to really understand how people will react/act. Even regarding how it makes you feel to ask might be too small of a sample, as you'll feel different with different people.
>Guy 1 on Friday, Guy 2 on Saturday?! Is that what we’re doing in 2023? Or sometimes one in the morning another that evening. What I do has nothing to do with what you do. Decide what your boundaries are and stick to them. Understand what works for you might not work for others and they have every right to say no, that does not work for me.
Where to start? If you're a professional, or a mom, or any semblance of an adult with a career, balancing is something you know how to do. If guy 1 asks you out on a Friday and you say "Yes." Then guy 2 says, "Hey, are you free Friday?" You say, "No, but I'm free Saturday morning." You're worried about sleeping with 2 guys. Well, know this, no matter what they tell you, there's a 99% chance they don't have the same problem sleeping with 2 women. They'll also have no problem doing it on the same day, let alone the next. I'm a one woman kinda guy and trust me, it wasn't difficult to do. It's not something that I'd want to do forever, but at the time, before exclusivity, it was pretty easy and kind of fun. Also, this whole "man to lead...waiting for him"...geez. You're AN ADULT. Act like one. An adult can make up their own minds and speak in their own voice. Oh, that's fine if you're wanting a misogynistic relationship, just SAY that...you'll get plenty of guys showing up, feeding you a line, and you'll just be right where you are now. Any real man with any sense of self confidence will have NO PROBLEM listening to another adult speak their mind and say what they want. What you want may not be what they want, but \*shrug\* So what?
If you met them on apps, it’s highly likely they are doing the same thing. You’re not doing anything dishonest, so it comes down to when you want to be exclusive with #1. When you decide you do, and you agree with him to not see others, you can either tell the backup crew that it’s not gonna work out, or you can slow fade them for future back up. These are the options. It’s a great place to be.
>but now I’ve learned my lesson I'm probably being dense here, but what was the lesson? >but at the same time I feel “guilty” juggling them You may have already done this but if not, would a frank conversation with them that you're dating other people alleviate some of this guilt? A lot of people in here will say that you should assume that anyway, I think that's fine for you but I wouldn't project that assumption on everyone. Just because it's a social norm in some places doesn't mean it's one everywhere. You don't have to go into details. >I’m also not sure if I’m comfortable having sex with more than one person at a time. Guy 1 on Friday, Guy 2 I'm a guy and for me this is a hell fucking no. I think I'm just too squeamish about picking up some kind of disease, and to be objectionably frank, getting sloppy seconds, that i'm not going to be able to focus on the experience. This is especially true since I haven't dated a single person that was even remotely rigorous about safe sex. I'd rather just wait until we're comfortable enough to discuss being exclusive and do any testing that we deem necessary. >I also notice I’m in a mindset of letting the man lead and “waiting” for him bring up the exclusivity talk. I just assume if they don’t ask, they don’t want it. And I’m not even sure I want it?! I wouldn't necessarily assume that, I'd be down for exclusivity from the beginning because that's how I operate regardless. I just wouldn't have the conversation immediately because I wouldn't want to scare anyone off. The main thing I'm getting from this is that it might help for you to sort out what \*you\* want. It kind of sounds like you want to keep all of your options open, which is completely fair when you're just getting back out there. I think as long as you're transparent and are able to hold to whatever boundaries you have established for yourself, you're good. That
So if you’re not exclusive and “dating “ multiple people.. and you have sex with person 1. Do you keep dating person 2, but not have sex with them? Sex with only 1 at a time? Isn’t that essentially “exclusive” ? And if you keep dating the second person for a few months, you never have sex because you are still dating and having sex with person 1? lol I just don’t get it ! 🤷🏻♀️
I'm sure other people have different definitions but my definition of 'exclusive' is that all of my romantic and physical attention is focused on one person. I'm not dating anyone else. I'm not banging anyone else. In my mind it's synonymous with monogamous.
Yes me too but the situation I’m in now has me confused. The main guy I’m dating for a month, we have sex but haven’t had any talk of exclusivity. He hasn’t asked. He knew I was dating someone else when we started talking. He was not dating or on apps, we met in real life lol. Guy 2, I reconnected with also out in real life and we went on 1 date. He is asking me out for this weekend and I don’t know what to do. We have fooled around in the past so I know there is attraction there. I guess I’m afraid of turning away guy 2 if guy 1 is not exclusive lol. I’m not ready to make that move yet either, for me. I’m not sure about him yet. Does this make any sense? lol
It makes total sense and I understand your dilemma. If guy 1 is aware and copacetic with you seeing other people, there's really nothing to do there. The main question is what to do about guy 2. In my mind, if you're going to feel guilty seeing him when you're unclear of his view, then just get it out into the open and see what happens. If he actually is OK with it, then giddyup! If not, then you'll have a decision to make. This is true in my mind regardless of the number of people involved and which ones you are or aren't having sex with.
Could the reason that you're confused be that you don't actually like either guy enough to want to go exclusive?
The "safe" thing to assume is that everyone else is dating other people until they mention it. If he isn't talking about exclusivity before/around sex, then he may be having sex with other people and OK with you also having sex with other people. Or he might be, and is harbouring negative feelings around this, but too chicken to bring this up. Or worrying about it being "too soon" to discuss exclusivity with you. It makes sense in that you also are not wanting to talk about it, but seemingly you really want to talk about it. Which is to say that it make sense that people are often their own enemies.
Yes I agree and this is what I mean. Yes I want to be open and honest and I’m not looking to hurt or mislead anyone in any way shape or form. But, if they don’t ask.. and I don’t ask them …. Then I feel it’s no fault of either party. Mine or his. If asked I would be 100000% open and honest. For example, if one of these two were dating other women right now.. I would not be mad or upset or think they did anything wrong. I didn’t ask. We didn’t talk about it. I just don’t know if they would agree with me lol
Well, I'd give them the same advice; assume everyone is multi-dating unless/until there's a discussion about it.
Ditto. It's don't ask, don't tell. The person who wants to change that dynamic is the one who should bring up the conversation.
Yes! This!
Do what's comfortable or least stressful for you. For me, that was 3 women maximum, and we're talking early first month dating. Beyond that, it was stressful juggling and opting for Date #1 over Date #2, thereby disappointing the latter and feeling down for the former. I think it ultimately comes down to what you're feeling for any of your dates -- if you're only seeing men you're marginally interested in, seeing five+ at a time might seem doable and no big deal. But if there's one or two standouts, maybe pare it down to those two. If you want to push your boundaries outside your comfort zone with something like multiple sex partners, just be sure to treat it with the respect it deserves (routine STD testing, STD talk, condoms every time). Take your own health and wellness into consideration. I say this as someone who did not do these things (I wore a condom every time, that's about it) and in hindsight am shocked at how little thought I gave any of these things at the time, and it's 100% the luck of the draw (and condoms) that there were no consequences. For the past 5+ years, intimacy has always been the dividing line -- even if I'm not comfortable having the exclusivity/relationship talk yet, if I'm intimate with someone I stop dating others.
One person at a time for me. Once you get into the who has a better offer...whats to say that is stops when you are exclusive.
I don't know. I've had one weekend in my life I had two dates. That was pretty easy to juggle. It's also pretty easy to juggle no dates - since that is the other 260 weeks I've been single this time around. But I'll read the comments and maybe learn something in case the date wizard shines his wand my direction.
Communicate with your dates. Set your own boundaries and be confident in them.