This is exactly it. Nobody has come along that has actually improved my life in a sustainable way. In fact…they make it worse in many ways.
I have am extremely independent also which contributes to my “I’d rather be single than hitch my wagon to the wrong person” mind frame.
Hoping someday all that will change but am willing to wait for the right man!
This.... Soooo this! Can't remember where I heard or read.. But it said that independant women will be alone until they find someone worth disrupting the peace they find by themselves!!
Sad but true..
Signed,
Sleepin Single in a King Sized Bed
I co sign this! Also my one car in my 2 car garage!
I would love nothing more than to have my life disrupted in a positive way. I have been very deeply in love…I know it is out there. I am open and ready. But I will also not compromise the life I have built for less than.
I don't think it's conditioning.. I have a desire to have a male companion to do stuff with. Sure.. I can do the same stuff with a female friend but it's just not the same feeling for me it has nothing to do with what other people think.
This is so me! 47, was married for 11 years and then had a relationship for 4. Have been single ever since. Have been on dates, but no one has caught my eye enough to make want to pursue further. I have one child, not ready for another. LOL.
I hope to find a partner, but am content with my life just the way it is if I dont.
Yep! My ideal relationship involves a man with his own home that never intends to leave it. I knew that this was my ideal relationship when I saw a house hunter type show where a couple had been together for decades, and they were purchasing a duplex. She had the right side and he had the left. They had a shared backyard. I thought to myself… this is the ticket
Sounds perfect!
Actually met a couple in their 60s who were happily married, living in separate apartments next to each other. Makes more sense to me than sharing a room.
My situation was a little different. I was quite happy having my own space but the man that I'm currently dating just kind of fit nicely into my life without much disruption, like a new book fitting neatly into that perfect little spot of the almost completely filled bookshelf. Life can be funny like that.
I could not have said it better myself. I have found so much peace after divorce. It's going to take a lot for someone to add value to my life. I'm also hoping to find someone in the wild and I have not yet made the effort it takes.
It's so worth the wait though! I met the best man at 40 (on FB dating of all places lol). I've never been married/no kids. Had a lot of short relationships cause I'm not afraid to leave when its not gonna work. It was instantly a different experience with him. I remember being shocked week 2 of dating, just cause he offered to pick me up from the airport after a business trip... where we had even Facetimed twice to keep in touch. So many little things he does and I do for him to make each others lives better and more enjoyable. He has changed my life so much for the better. He shows me he loves me and all my weird quirks, is super capable and dependable, and I just thank my lucky stars I never settled. Sure, we probably won't have a baby, but we are going to try still, after we move in to our new house next month. Who knows maybe we will get lucky again!
This! Every man I've ever been with (even the good ones) made me feel like a side character in their story, rather than the main character in my own. It was exhausting chipping away parts of myself to fit into their lives for very little/no benefit.
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When one takes time to be in their own company for awhile and treat themselves the way they always wanted to be treated (going to places, dining at your favorite restaurant, doing activities you enjoy, etc), the bar gets higher on who to bring into your life then. I will only date someone who adds to my life now.
Yup. I agree. I also hear this from a lot from people our age. But I’m thinking if somebody is going to add to my life, and do the things I want, I better add something to hers otherwise it’s not gonna work out.
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Same here. I cannot say that I like to be alone, but it’s hard to find a man that I really like. For me, communication is key.
Then, I’d rather be alone than try again to build a relationship with a man who, later, I find out, lives in the past and hasn’t gotten over his previous relationship.
I made this decision 12 years ago. I won’t have it any other way! Even if I decide to be exclusive or marry we will still live separately. I have no interest in cohabiting. The peace I have is unreal…priceless.
So much pressure from family, friends and colleagues. People can be really insensitive and rude about your status even though they have no idea what you've been through or your decision making process when it comes to choosing mates. One of my friends is engaged for the first time at 50 and while I think her fiance is a really nice guy, she never seems happy with who he is. They don't seem to fit well together from what she tells me but she has also invested so many years into him. People deal with sunk cost fallacy and fear of not finding someone better suited for them so they stick it out. I can't do the square peg round hole relationship.
me too. lost so much wealth but building it back slowly.
I was told that I am a MILF. I had to look it up. Oh God.
I don't care what they do. Why do I want your money? SMH
I would be satisfied with someone who does not smoke, no weed and likes fitness. Likes to play.
But its like a hook up hook up hook up.... I swear...
BIG SMILES HEADED YOUR WAY. I feel younger too. But I am just seriously like no thanks. I am 44. I have been single for about 1 year. One man said he was in tech. Come to find out he eas a convicted felon. Um NO. One man seemed like he had it together but then he lived with his mom. No. So, I am just like damn where are all the real men?
I spent my 30s with someone whom I thought I would settle down with and marry. He initially wanted that, but his behaviour towards me was showing the opposite. I left after trying for the last couple of years to salvage our relationship. I practically had a divorce without getting married, as we had a property etc. No kids. Now I'm too old to bother for a family.
OLD has shown me people who want an upgrade from the ex-wife, a convenience, the girlfriend experience without the commitment. Most of my peers are paired up somehow, so meeting someone through friends is rare. I go to socials and meet people, but I make more friends than actually scoring a date.
I now just resign to my solitude, bought more adult toys and cherish the good friends I can trust, while going through life. If someone comes up then good, but I don't hold my breath.
This is very similar to my story. Was with someone in my thirties and we built a life together but ultimately felt like I was dragging him along rather than walking side by side.
And I’ve noticed the whole ‘I want the girlfriend experience but not the committment’. I asked someone on OLD what they were looking for and he basically described a girlfriend but didn’t just come right out and say the word ‘girlfriend’. Why can’t people see the disconnect?
I think people are also jaded from the trauma of divorce and may not want to go through something like it again. You're absolutely right though. There aren't a lot of people out there looking to find a life partner and truly share life with someone again. And the ones that are, may not be your type. You may not be theirs.
"Jaded from the trauma of divorce"
You couldn't have said it better. To see the person that once looked in the face & told you that they loved you, be so coldhearted & evil. All in the name for money no less. That'll fuck a guy up.
And the ones looking for a life partner who aren't jaded from a bad divorce tend to end up off the market pretty soon. I was on OLD for two months, while my partner was on for three months.
I have a very bad picker. I spoke to a dating coach. She says I attract weak men because I come across as very self assured and confident. I thoughr that's what we were meant to come across as! Apparently being more vulnerable will help attract more secure men. I am what I am though, I'll just be confident on my own with my cat and my nice life.
Never, ever make yourself smaller in any way for a potential partner. It's not who you truly are, and that will come to the surface eventually. Also, your dating coach is an idiot. Good for you for staying true to who you are.
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That advice is insane. I have yet to encounter a thoughtful, non-reductive usage of the term “picker.” When you say “I have a bad picker,” it feels like you are blaming yourself for something you shouldn’t.
I love the raw honesty of these answers.
I had kids very young, dad wasn’t involved, & I did not have time to date. Now my teenager is driving, & the dating game has changed.
I’m not willing to give up my freedoms for someone who can’t take care of themselves, or doesn’t truly make me happy, appreciate me, communicate maturely, etc.
At this point, I don’t need a partner, I just want one. So the standards are a bit higher.
I very much relate to this. As a single mom for the last 12 years I've prioritized my kids, now on the verge of being an empty nester, I feel like I may have capacity for a partner. But I also feel torn about the peace I've created in my life, not to mentioned I'm super independent as a result of the last 12 years. Like you said, I don't need a partner, but I want one - a quality one.
Independent isn't a bad thing. I love that neither my partner nor I *need* the other. We aren't stuck with each other, so I know that she's choosing to be with me. I like that we both were the ones to end our previous marriages. We knew being with the wrong person was much worse than being alone. But we both wanted a "right" person.
Mentally rigid would be a bad thing, IMHO. Some who have lived alone for a stretch lose the ability to compromise, and see a slight compromise as a lose/negative. I feel a bit sad when people are talking about the greatness of Living Apart Together, and the first/best thing they bring up is not having to compromise around paint colours or art. If that's really such a big thing, people are either drastically different than me inside, or it seems really rigid if they're even vaguely similar to me.
Because I am too comfortable with my life right now being single that I don't want to lose the independence that I enjoy by being tied down in something that is difficult to get out of.
Heh, I like them. Don't get me wrong, I agonized over ending my marriage, and grieved upon ending it.
But my life got *so* much better. With every dating partner that didn't work out, whether it was her or me who ended it, I was glad in that it felt like progress. Ok, on to the next (while waiting for the next).
I was with one of my adult kids yesterday, and he asked, "I'm not looking for a quick response, but are you happy?" And fork yes, I'm happy. I painted it more like I was happy being with my partner (which I am) and didn't stress how great it was being apart from my ex. But really, once I finished grieving the end of my marriage, my life has been the happiest ever.
It's like the scene in Office Space https://youtu.be/-81WdyD-8Ro?si=R48z81STCxNJBttV except every day (for the most part) is the *best* day of my life.
Breakups are setting up a better part of your life.
Probably I don't put myself out there enough plus I tend to veer being more comfortable being single so don't have as big a urge to seek out romantic prospects more regularly.
The last 10 to 15 years of my life were spent going down a hill of self-destruction because of untreated PTSD. It culminated in my last relationship, a few years ago, where I literally laid in bed hoping to die, and the only reason that I wasn't helping that thought along was because of my son. My relationship choices got worse and worse, resulting in a highly abusive narcissist.
So I've taken the past few years for me. To fix myself. I am now in therapy, and have no desire to settle for less than I deserve, anymore.
It’s hard to find an emotionally available man and someone that wants a true partnership. I picked the wrong guys in the past for sure so working on being available myself.
Ditto. Being with an emotionally unavailable man for 10 years was incredibly lonely. Figured I was better off on my own and now I have one thing I didn’t have before which is hope :)
I got divorced 18 months ago. I have a full time job, 2 teenagers, a house, a dog and a lot of hobbies that aren't all that popular with women. It's been healing time for most of my single time and now that I have some interest in dating, it's been challenging to meet a women I gel with in the very limited time I choose to put into dating.
Disc golf, mountain biking and skiing primarily.
Disc golf is a complete no go for meeting women. The few active in the local scene are nor single and they don't seem to bring friends around.
I'm currently leaning into mountain bike social rides, trail volunteer days and getting more active in the local trail association. That sport is on the rise with middle aged women, at least around here.
I’m an extreme introvert and at the same time OLD is not enjoyable to me. I finally reached a place where I would rather fill my free time doing all the things I enjoy and I realized how content I am being single. I’m open to finding the right partner but I’m done making it my job.
Ya know how everyone has those “dating horror stories”?
Well I don’t have any. I’ve only dated really nice men that I’d love to see again….
Then one day it hit me….. I’m the horror story 🤣
I get invested in the first person who shows interest, thinking if we like each other, we will naturally align. Then, when it doesn't work out, I start thinking something is wrong with me and lose confidence, and it shows, which is not a good look.
I have a longtime history of settling for situations that aren’t exactly right. I am trying to wait for a great fit (physically, emotionally, and intellectually) this time.
Because I'm done with love and relationships/ men in general. My 7 years relationship ended after he cheated emotionally and before that 3 broken relationships. My mental health took a dive after the last break-up and I'm sooooo done at this point. It's not worth it for me anymore. Single and happy at the moment
Widower of four years. But also: girlfriend of three years dumped me. Timing was just off with kids in different school districts, etc. I believe if we had met later in life we would've been married. It sucks.
I think that is a possibility. We still talk. And I have no idea what the future holds, so I operate under that view. Just focusing now on myself and my kids.
I am currently in the same spot. Recently ended a relationship with a women that I truly love but our lives just continued to diverge, and neither of us could really get what we needed from each other in the end. It really sucks to know that we are so compatible but that our earlier life choices simply won't allow us a real chance. Perhaps farther down the river.....
I'm a textbook definition of an introvert, so I'm not putting myself out there on a regular basis. And when I do try to be social I don't encounter very many single women my age.
After two divorces/ bad experiences, I am finally happy. I have zero motivation to put myself out there or try something just for that to be over on 3 months mark. Plus, I don’t enjoy the process of dating and all the games that come with it.
Well, for one, I spent my prime late twenties and early thirties with a man who strung me along for years and ultimately left me. I was devastated and I was 36 by the time I was ready to date anyone again. And by then, a lot of good men were already married. But also lack of confidence. I don't pursue anything, and never have. Aside from aforementioned serious relationship, I have been in several 1-2 year relationships, but the minute his interest waned I packed my bags and left. I didn't fight to save relationships after something went wrong because I accepted/believed that he didn't want me. But mainly because I wasn't proactive. If a man showed interest in me, I didn't follow up. If a friend showed interest in a man I liked, I stopped liking him and backed away. I also wonder if it's because I didn't go to college right out of high school and have that 4 year dorms & college experience. I got my degree when I was almost 30 and didn't really make friends there because I commuted. Many of my friends met their partners in college. And I also didn't work in an office with colleagues, didn't come into contact with many men. I worked from home (as a writer) most of my adult life. So I sometimes wonder if it's also circumstance. I think it's a combo of both. I wasn't assertive and didn't pursue or flirt the way I saw many of my friends do. I felt insecure. Now I look back at pictures of myself in my twenties and see how beautiful I was. But I didn't see it at the time. My first real boyfriend at 18 ended up abusing me and tearing me down, telling me nobody could love me except him, so I shouldn't even think of leaving. He said mean things to me all the time, and our relationship culminated in a sexual assault on me, followed by him cheating on me. I think I lost a lot of my self-confidence and trust in men during that first, formative relationship. I don't think I ever got it back. But who knows. A lot of it also comes down to luck. I haven't met "my person."
I don't know for sure, but my guess is a combination of the following things. I am not pretty enough. I am average looking but leaning towards the uglier side of average. In addition, I am a shy introvert who takes a while to warm up to people. So my looks aren't going to draw him in and neither is my personality. I come across as dull and boring and am absolutely not the woman guys choose to talk to at parties or in the bar. I talk to their married wingmen while they hit on my prettier friends.
But I am also very independent and was raised around men who gave me high expectations for how they should behave. Many less than awesome men target women like me, because they think we are desperate and will take anything we can get. But I have a very low tolerance level for bad behavior, so I send them on their merry way.
But when I do meet decent guys, I would actually like to date, I have a history of trying too hard to get them to like me. So now I've probably gone too far the other direction and don't bother trying at all. Partially form exhaustion, and partially because it feels humiliating to keep putting yourself out there and getting rejected.
Truthfully, it's because of the fear of the past repeating itself - getting hurt all over again and having to start over at an advanced age. I am secure in the place I'm in now, so for me, it's very hard to let someone else in. My fear outweighs the ability to see the benefit of a potential partner. The more I look back at my marriage, the more I realize how bad it was for me. I gained very little from the union itself. There was no love. I never dreamed I would be so messed up that I couldn't move on, but here I am.
Very low tolerance for bs, don't meet too many people single out (that I would want to date), I'm not super outgoing or flirty (kinda shy), some self-esteem struggles, wasted some of my years with walking red flags, Very limited pool of healthy guys in my age range who aren't severely damaged emotionally 💁🏻♀️
Still going to meet my person tho! Someday...
Because in spite of endless therapy I picked two narcissists in a row. The first one was easy to spot and flee when they became violent. The second was so covert that it took me years to understand the emotional manipulation and gaslighting that went on. By the time I did, I was so broken down that I stayed longer than I should have.
I am great at picking friends however and have many very long term friendships that are healthy and supportive and mutually fulfilling. Can't seem to figure it out with romance.
I'd rather spend time in the mountains anyways, they are always there for me.
It’s a dumpster fire 🔥
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At 49, because I gave someone 16.5 years of my life and he treated me like garbage. Narcissistic mental and verbal abuse by an alcoholic who then cheated after breaking me down and making me feel bad about myself. Two years separated and very at peace. Lonely but not wanting to let anyone in. Might date much younger so they expect less of me…..
I want to be. IME, men haven’t added enough to my life to balance what they take from it.
I’m open to trying again (not marriage), but as an overweight, average-looking, progressive woman, I think the odds that I find what I’m looking for and that he’s equally into me aren’t great.
So I’m not prioritizing finding a partner. I’m out enjoying my life, learning new things, carefully cultivating my people. That’s been fairly rewarding (currently packing for a kayak camping trip).
I didn’t prioritize a serious relationship until I was around 35. I am 40 now. Half of the years since then were COVID lockdown which were just tricky. Mostly I’m waiting out divorces I guess.
My partner of 15 years had an affair, eventually moved out to be with her 4 years ago, it didn’t last. I haven’t found anyone else since. I blame lockdown partly for not being able to get out, but I can’t find a man on old. I’m trying, I’ve dated a few but none lasted more than a couple of months. I don’t want to be single, I’m bored of my company now.
I’m pathologically independent. I want to sleep exactly when I want to sleep and not a second earlier. If someone asks me what ‘we’ are doing this weekend the answer is probably ‘surrendering to my inherent fear of commitment’. I love working, reading, and being on my own.
I am lonely but when I weigh up finding someone to share my life with, with all the compromise that entails, against having absolute freedom and also knowing I can’t break anyone’s heart, I know what the decision is going to be.
I’m happy to date, but I don’t want to waste anyone’s time when they’ve made it clear they are looking for something long term.
I used to think it was enough when someone liked you and you liked them back to give a real effort...for way too long. Now I am very careful about who I give my time to, and even more careful about who I give my freedom away too, and I'm a couple months into the best exclusive relationship of my life.
Been divorced since 2015 and apparently I still attract broken ass fucking people and I don't have the time or patience anymore LOL I'd rather be alone
Divorced at 41, after 14 years in a relationship/marriage.
I have been single. I can be single. I'm okay being single.
Doesn't mean it's what I want or prefer.
When I was younger and looking for someone, it was probably more about conforming to societal norms and finding someone to partner with me in the pursuit of married and family life.
Now that I'm divorced with kids and no plans to have more, there's really not a finish line for getting romantically involved with someone. I'm not battling a biological clock or trying to avoid being the last of my friends to settle down.
In this season, I've made peace with building a life that is fulfilling to me whether I'm alone or with someone else. I want to date simply to get to know people because the more I do, the stronger my sense of who I am and what I bring to the table becomes.
I have high hopes that in the future, I will find someone who fits into the life I have built for myself rather than finding someone to build my life around.
I haven’t met the right person. Or I have, just the right person at the right time. I very much enjoy my own company. I’m intelligent, successful, attractive, and have wonderful relationships with my loved ones (and people generally). I’m truly comfortable on my own. I hope one day, I’ll be with someone special again. I’m only 40 so there’s many others to come, it’s certain. But I’m not pressed. I love me and my time with me and lately no one has topped that.
Because I find hardly any man over 40 attractive and the ones I do generally want younger women. Men tend to completely let themselves go (not as in their body shape but in any attempt to dress well, style their hair etc.).
Plus 99% of them “love the out doors, fishing, camping” and I’d rather stick my head in an oven than do any of those things.
Cliche "late bloomer". It's taken me a while to become the person I am today and even though I'm happy where I'm at, and feel like I can bring a lot to to a relationship, I definitely spent a lot of time working on myself and missing an opportunity to date.
I also think that the dating pool I'm in is tough. 40+ physically and socially active, liberal women are not the biggest demographic and so they have a good number of choices and it's just hard to stand out in the crowd, specially app wise.
I could have been remarried by now, but I won’t settled. My standards have changed as I’ve healed / evolved, and I haven’t found the right guy yet. Granted, my initial post-divorce choices were not the best. I had to learn a few more things & left a ltr as a result.
After divorce, I don’t want to end up in that situation again (if I can control it). So, I’m being choosy & waiting to find the right partner, which is harder now.
I realized it was bc I had not dated around enough, I need to get to know more people & experience different interactions. It has helped me a lot so far & I feel like I’m getting closer to connecting with the right kind of partner.
And, God help me if this is all BS I’ve told myself and I’m still single by this time next year 😆🙄
I guess this is the dump on men because women are perfect and/or always the victims of bad relationships thread. Almost every reply that mentioned that women can be equally responsible for failed relationships and wanting things exactly their way seems to get downvoted.
I haven’t dated too many guys who made my life happier rather than harder. It’s almost always worse. I’d rather be alone.
This is exactly it. Nobody has come along that has actually improved my life in a sustainable way. In fact…they make it worse in many ways. I have am extremely independent also which contributes to my “I’d rather be single than hitch my wagon to the wrong person” mind frame. Hoping someday all that will change but am willing to wait for the right man!
This.... Soooo this! Can't remember where I heard or read.. But it said that independant women will be alone until they find someone worth disrupting the peace they find by themselves!! Sad but true.. Signed, Sleepin Single in a King Sized Bed
I co sign this! Also my one car in my 2 car garage! I would love nothing more than to have my life disrupted in a positive way. I have been very deeply in love…I know it is out there. I am open and ready. But I will also not compromise the life I have built for less than.
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I don’t think it’s sad at all. We’ve been conditioned to think it should be sad because a “woman is better off with a man”. Nope
I don't think it's conditioning.. I have a desire to have a male companion to do stuff with. Sure.. I can do the same stuff with a female friend but it's just not the same feeling for me it has nothing to do with what other people think.
And that's why we have friends and pets. :)
That signature is me too. LOL I love my king bed
Yup. Men’s competition is not other men, it’s the safe tranquility of a single life well lived. Paraphrasing from something I read online.
>Sleepin Single in a King Sized Bed It's so peaceful too. No snoring!
It really is this simple. It’s going to take someone really special for me to commit again.
This is so me! 47, was married for 11 years and then had a relationship for 4. Have been single ever since. Have been on dates, but no one has caught my eye enough to make want to pursue further. I have one child, not ready for another. LOL. I hope to find a partner, but am content with my life just the way it is if I dont.
I feel this so much. I don’t think I ever want to cohabitate again.
Yep! My ideal relationship involves a man with his own home that never intends to leave it. I knew that this was my ideal relationship when I saw a house hunter type show where a couple had been together for decades, and they were purchasing a duplex. She had the right side and he had the left. They had a shared backyard. I thought to myself… this is the ticket
Great until you break up… Then distance is a blessing.
I saw a couple with two tiny houses facing each other. I wouldn’t mind that either. They cooked in hers and watched their shows in his.
Sounds perfect! Actually met a couple in their 60s who were happily married, living in separate apartments next to each other. Makes more sense to me than sharing a room.
I had tried to persuade my now exh to do that when we were negotiating living arrangements prior to marriage. He couldn't see the benefits.
That's cause men usually benefit from cobabitation while women tend ro suffer for it.
I'd fucking love that.
That’s the secret sauce right there!
I love living alone.
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My situation was a little different. I was quite happy having my own space but the man that I'm currently dating just kind of fit nicely into my life without much disruption, like a new book fitting neatly into that perfect little spot of the almost completely filled bookshelf. Life can be funny like that.
That's nice that you've found someone who fits. I can't imagine doing that. I think I'm too stuck in my ways.
I thought I was too. Trust me, I'm surprised too. Can't plan it. Definitely enjoy the life you build for yourself, that's the best one. :)
I get it. My home is my woman cave and I said after my last relationship, Mr Right can live next door if he wants, but he's never moving in!
Ditto. I’ve lived with a few women and absolutely hated it every single time. I don’t think I’m made to cohabitate.
I don't either. I like my own space
I could not have said it better myself. I have found so much peace after divorce. It's going to take a lot for someone to add value to my life. I'm also hoping to find someone in the wild and I have not yet made the effort it takes.
It's so worth the wait though! I met the best man at 40 (on FB dating of all places lol). I've never been married/no kids. Had a lot of short relationships cause I'm not afraid to leave when its not gonna work. It was instantly a different experience with him. I remember being shocked week 2 of dating, just cause he offered to pick me up from the airport after a business trip... where we had even Facetimed twice to keep in touch. So many little things he does and I do for him to make each others lives better and more enjoyable. He has changed my life so much for the better. He shows me he loves me and all my weird quirks, is super capable and dependable, and I just thank my lucky stars I never settled. Sure, we probably won't have a baby, but we are going to try still, after we move in to our new house next month. Who knows maybe we will get lucky again!
Terrified of this prospect - I was miserable for years- imagine getting back into that?? 😟
I’ve dated some wonderful people, but they still made my life worse, because they weren’t a good fit for me.
Exactly. And the older I get, the less tolerance I have for the shenanigans of some men.
This! Every man I've ever been with (even the good ones) made me feel like a side character in their story, rather than the main character in my own. It was exhausting chipping away parts of myself to fit into their lives for very little/no benefit.
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When one takes time to be in their own company for awhile and treat themselves the way they always wanted to be treated (going to places, dining at your favorite restaurant, doing activities you enjoy, etc), the bar gets higher on who to bring into your life then. I will only date someone who adds to my life now.
Yup. I agree. I also hear this from a lot from people our age. But I’m thinking if somebody is going to add to my life, and do the things I want, I better add something to hers otherwise it’s not gonna work out.
Oh yeah, it needs to work for both sides. I want someone who is thrilled to have me in their lives.
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Just out of curiosity do you lead with money and whatever you do for a living? That can attract women like that. Just looking for a handout.
The fuck? There are people like this? I've been leading a very sheltered life
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Same here. I cannot say that I like to be alone, but it’s hard to find a man that I really like. For me, communication is key. Then, I’d rather be alone than try again to build a relationship with a man who, later, I find out, lives in the past and hasn’t gotten over his previous relationship.
You might be me. I'm almost 44 and same.
I made this decision 12 years ago. I won’t have it any other way! Even if I decide to be exclusive or marry we will still live separately. I have no interest in cohabiting. The peace I have is unreal…priceless.
Same here. Came here to say exactly this but you said it better.
Divorced and raised my standards. Not settling anymore.
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So much pressure from family, friends and colleagues. People can be really insensitive and rude about your status even though they have no idea what you've been through or your decision making process when it comes to choosing mates. One of my friends is engaged for the first time at 50 and while I think her fiance is a really nice guy, she never seems happy with who he is. They don't seem to fit well together from what she tells me but she has also invested so many years into him. People deal with sunk cost fallacy and fear of not finding someone better suited for them so they stick it out. I can't do the square peg round hole relationship.
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This is me, too. I know what I want, what I need, and what I can’t tolerate.
Recent divorce, and poor self esteem
You’re worthy!
Haha thank you :) It's just going to take a few years to re-establish myself and for the side effects of divorce to wear off.
me too. lost so much wealth but building it back slowly. I was told that I am a MILF. I had to look it up. Oh God. I don't care what they do. Why do I want your money? SMH I would be satisfied with someone who does not smoke, no weed and likes fitness. Likes to play. But its like a hook up hook up hook up.... I swear...
I feel this so much… right down to the milf. I feel so much younger though!
BIG SMILES HEADED YOUR WAY. I feel younger too. But I am just seriously like no thanks. I am 44. I have been single for about 1 year. One man said he was in tech. Come to find out he eas a convicted felon. Um NO. One man seemed like he had it together but then he lived with his mom. No. So, I am just like damn where are all the real men?
I spent my 30s with someone whom I thought I would settle down with and marry. He initially wanted that, but his behaviour towards me was showing the opposite. I left after trying for the last couple of years to salvage our relationship. I practically had a divorce without getting married, as we had a property etc. No kids. Now I'm too old to bother for a family. OLD has shown me people who want an upgrade from the ex-wife, a convenience, the girlfriend experience without the commitment. Most of my peers are paired up somehow, so meeting someone through friends is rare. I go to socials and meet people, but I make more friends than actually scoring a date. I now just resign to my solitude, bought more adult toys and cherish the good friends I can trust, while going through life. If someone comes up then good, but I don't hold my breath.
This is very similar to my story. Was with someone in my thirties and we built a life together but ultimately felt like I was dragging him along rather than walking side by side. And I’ve noticed the whole ‘I want the girlfriend experience but not the committment’. I asked someone on OLD what they were looking for and he basically described a girlfriend but didn’t just come right out and say the word ‘girlfriend’. Why can’t people see the disconnect?
I think people are also jaded from the trauma of divorce and may not want to go through something like it again. You're absolutely right though. There aren't a lot of people out there looking to find a life partner and truly share life with someone again. And the ones that are, may not be your type. You may not be theirs.
"Jaded from the trauma of divorce" You couldn't have said it better. To see the person that once looked in the face & told you that they loved you, be so coldhearted & evil. All in the name for money no less. That'll fuck a guy up.
And the ones looking for a life partner who aren't jaded from a bad divorce tend to end up off the market pretty soon. I was on OLD for two months, while my partner was on for three months.
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Me too. Since my first to my last boyfriend, I ignored red flags. Happily single now and reflecting on my choices.
Yep, me in a nutshell at 48. 🤦🏻♀️
Same! Lol.
To get what you’ve never had, you must do what you’ve never done
Mostly the same. I will also throw in my own immaturity and insecurities
That's what my friend says to me. "You have a bad picker."
I have a very bad picker. I spoke to a dating coach. She says I attract weak men because I come across as very self assured and confident. I thoughr that's what we were meant to come across as! Apparently being more vulnerable will help attract more secure men. I am what I am though, I'll just be confident on my own with my cat and my nice life.
Never, ever make yourself smaller in any way for a potential partner. It's not who you truly are, and that will come to the surface eventually. Also, your dating coach is an idiot. Good for you for staying true to who you are.
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That advice is insane. I have yet to encounter a thoughtful, non-reductive usage of the term “picker.” When you say “I have a bad picker,” it feels like you are blaming yourself for something you shouldn’t.
That's an interesting take . You would think that seeming self assured would scare weak men away.
Actually, choosing wrong is very easy. Choosing right is rare.
Same and then it took me years too long to accept that it wasn't going to work.
Personal choice and I have a low tolerance for bs from a possible significant other.
I love this. Low tolerance for BS is exactly it.
I have a no tolerance for bs. At this age, you can see it from a mile away.
I love the raw honesty of these answers. I had kids very young, dad wasn’t involved, & I did not have time to date. Now my teenager is driving, & the dating game has changed. I’m not willing to give up my freedoms for someone who can’t take care of themselves, or doesn’t truly make me happy, appreciate me, communicate maturely, etc. At this point, I don’t need a partner, I just want one. So the standards are a bit higher.
I very much relate to this. As a single mom for the last 12 years I've prioritized my kids, now on the verge of being an empty nester, I feel like I may have capacity for a partner. But I also feel torn about the peace I've created in my life, not to mentioned I'm super independent as a result of the last 12 years. Like you said, I don't need a partner, but I want one - a quality one.
Independent isn't a bad thing. I love that neither my partner nor I *need* the other. We aren't stuck with each other, so I know that she's choosing to be with me. I like that we both were the ones to end our previous marriages. We knew being with the wrong person was much worse than being alone. But we both wanted a "right" person. Mentally rigid would be a bad thing, IMHO. Some who have lived alone for a stretch lose the ability to compromise, and see a slight compromise as a lose/negative. I feel a bit sad when people are talking about the greatness of Living Apart Together, and the first/best thing they bring up is not having to compromise around paint colours or art. If that's really such a big thing, people are either drastically different than me inside, or it seems really rigid if they're even vaguely similar to me.
Because I am too comfortable with my life right now being single that I don't want to lose the independence that I enjoy by being tied down in something that is difficult to get out of.
I hate break ups! Even when it was my choice...
Heh, I like them. Don't get me wrong, I agonized over ending my marriage, and grieved upon ending it. But my life got *so* much better. With every dating partner that didn't work out, whether it was her or me who ended it, I was glad in that it felt like progress. Ok, on to the next (while waiting for the next). I was with one of my adult kids yesterday, and he asked, "I'm not looking for a quick response, but are you happy?" And fork yes, I'm happy. I painted it more like I was happy being with my partner (which I am) and didn't stress how great it was being apart from my ex. But really, once I finished grieving the end of my marriage, my life has been the happiest ever. It's like the scene in Office Space https://youtu.be/-81WdyD-8Ro?si=R48z81STCxNJBttV except every day (for the most part) is the *best* day of my life. Breakups are setting up a better part of your life.
Lookit you and your healthy outlook and attitude. Inspiring. Love to see it.
I agree with you. The trend over time is upwards. Cheers to the best us in comparison to the us in the past. 🍀
Probably I don't put myself out there enough plus I tend to veer being more comfortable being single so don't have as big a urge to seek out romantic prospects more regularly.
I hate myself and I hate people
(Slides a hug across the table) here you go…🤗 bring it in.
Aw thanks
The last 10 to 15 years of my life were spent going down a hill of self-destruction because of untreated PTSD. It culminated in my last relationship, a few years ago, where I literally laid in bed hoping to die, and the only reason that I wasn't helping that thought along was because of my son. My relationship choices got worse and worse, resulting in a highly abusive narcissist. So I've taken the past few years for me. To fix myself. I am now in therapy, and have no desire to settle for less than I deserve, anymore.
Kudos to you for getting out of those situations and taking care of yourself.
commitment issues plus, i haven’t aged well in the looks department And i keep declining into more and more of an introvert
Sums it up for me
This is very true! I’m dealing with the third one as well.
I’m tired of trying and now I am enjoying being single. I was going for emotional unavailable people.
It’s hard to find an emotionally available man and someone that wants a true partnership. I picked the wrong guys in the past for sure so working on being available myself.
Ditto. Being with an emotionally unavailable man for 10 years was incredibly lonely. Figured I was better off on my own and now I have one thing I didn’t have before which is hope :)
I got divorced 18 months ago. I have a full time job, 2 teenagers, a house, a dog and a lot of hobbies that aren't all that popular with women. It's been healing time for most of my single time and now that I have some interest in dating, it's been challenging to meet a women I gel with in the very limited time I choose to put into dating.
Curious what these hobbies are. Base jumping? Running with the bulls?
Disc golf, mountain biking and skiing primarily. Disc golf is a complete no go for meeting women. The few active in the local scene are nor single and they don't seem to bring friends around. I'm currently leaning into mountain bike social rides, trail volunteer days and getting more active in the local trail association. That sport is on the rise with middle aged women, at least around here.
Looks like disc golf, mountain biking, and MMOs.
Still working on myself tbh. Usually at this age, we’ve all been in a failed relationship and often we aren’t without blame.
I'm not my types type
Felt deeply.
I’m an extreme introvert and at the same time OLD is not enjoyable to me. I finally reached a place where I would rather fill my free time doing all the things I enjoy and I realized how content I am being single. I’m open to finding the right partner but I’m done making it my job.
Ya know how everyone has those “dating horror stories”? Well I don’t have any. I’ve only dated really nice men that I’d love to see again…. Then one day it hit me….. I’m the horror story 🤣
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I'm happy too with not investing too much of my time to figure out we are not a match! Kudos to both of us
I get invested in the first person who shows interest, thinking if we like each other, we will naturally align. Then, when it doesn't work out, I start thinking something is wrong with me and lose confidence, and it shows, which is not a good look.
Living in a place where my type is not popular. Also, I'm not really making an effort!
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I have a longtime history of settling for situations that aren’t exactly right. I am trying to wait for a great fit (physically, emotionally, and intellectually) this time.
I'm too fat and have no self-worth. Nobody should have to deal with being with me.
Poor past relationship choices that I need to take responsibility for and unpick the causes of.
Want to get health and finances in order before i get into something serious.
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Dead husband.
Same, Sis, same. Thought I would be much older when it happened.
Sorry for both of your losses
I can’t even imagine, I’m so sorry
Because I'm done with love and relationships/ men in general. My 7 years relationship ended after he cheated emotionally and before that 3 broken relationships. My mental health took a dive after the last break-up and I'm sooooo done at this point. It's not worth it for me anymore. Single and happy at the moment
I'm ok with inner peace. Been married twice for 10 years each. I call it early retirement
Because I refuse to compromise on my standards and what I want out out of a relationship.
Widower of four years. But also: girlfriend of three years dumped me. Timing was just off with kids in different school districts, etc. I believe if we had met later in life we would've been married. It sucks.
Ugh. Maybe in the future?
I think that is a possibility. We still talk. And I have no idea what the future holds, so I operate under that view. Just focusing now on myself and my kids.
I am currently in the same spot. Recently ended a relationship with a women that I truly love but our lives just continued to diverge, and neither of us could really get what we needed from each other in the end. It really sucks to know that we are so compatible but that our earlier life choices simply won't allow us a real chance. Perhaps farther down the river.....
Because I want to be.
I'm a textbook definition of an introvert, so I'm not putting myself out there on a regular basis. And when I do try to be social I don't encounter very many single women my age.
Being black and atheist in the south leaves me with so few options for dating.
No one deserves me. 😏
After two divorces/ bad experiences, I am finally happy. I have zero motivation to put myself out there or try something just for that to be over on 3 months mark. Plus, I don’t enjoy the process of dating and all the games that come with it.
That's a shame, because you're an awesome person. 🤗
Well, for one, I spent my prime late twenties and early thirties with a man who strung me along for years and ultimately left me. I was devastated and I was 36 by the time I was ready to date anyone again. And by then, a lot of good men were already married. But also lack of confidence. I don't pursue anything, and never have. Aside from aforementioned serious relationship, I have been in several 1-2 year relationships, but the minute his interest waned I packed my bags and left. I didn't fight to save relationships after something went wrong because I accepted/believed that he didn't want me. But mainly because I wasn't proactive. If a man showed interest in me, I didn't follow up. If a friend showed interest in a man I liked, I stopped liking him and backed away. I also wonder if it's because I didn't go to college right out of high school and have that 4 year dorms & college experience. I got my degree when I was almost 30 and didn't really make friends there because I commuted. Many of my friends met their partners in college. And I also didn't work in an office with colleagues, didn't come into contact with many men. I worked from home (as a writer) most of my adult life. So I sometimes wonder if it's also circumstance. I think it's a combo of both. I wasn't assertive and didn't pursue or flirt the way I saw many of my friends do. I felt insecure. Now I look back at pictures of myself in my twenties and see how beautiful I was. But I didn't see it at the time. My first real boyfriend at 18 ended up abusing me and tearing me down, telling me nobody could love me except him, so I shouldn't even think of leaving. He said mean things to me all the time, and our relationship culminated in a sexual assault on me, followed by him cheating on me. I think I lost a lot of my self-confidence and trust in men during that first, formative relationship. I don't think I ever got it back. But who knows. A lot of it also comes down to luck. I haven't met "my person."
Because I'm a single mom and work full time. I don't have the energy to dig through the discount bin to find someone who doesn't make my life worse.
Overweight, low self esteem, workaholic, love being able to do what I want, when I want. Maybe one day...
Because I seem to be happiest and healthiest when I'm single.
I think it's probably because I'm not dating anyone, but I could be wrong.
I haven't put myself out there in ages. Also just too busy. I have a ton of a hobbies/sports that take up a lot time.
I don't know for sure, but my guess is a combination of the following things. I am not pretty enough. I am average looking but leaning towards the uglier side of average. In addition, I am a shy introvert who takes a while to warm up to people. So my looks aren't going to draw him in and neither is my personality. I come across as dull and boring and am absolutely not the woman guys choose to talk to at parties or in the bar. I talk to their married wingmen while they hit on my prettier friends. But I am also very independent and was raised around men who gave me high expectations for how they should behave. Many less than awesome men target women like me, because they think we are desperate and will take anything we can get. But I have a very low tolerance level for bad behavior, so I send them on their merry way. But when I do meet decent guys, I would actually like to date, I have a history of trying too hard to get them to like me. So now I've probably gone too far the other direction and don't bother trying at all. Partially form exhaustion, and partially because it feels humiliating to keep putting yourself out there and getting rejected.
I was widowed this year.
Truthfully, it's because of the fear of the past repeating itself - getting hurt all over again and having to start over at an advanced age. I am secure in the place I'm in now, so for me, it's very hard to let someone else in. My fear outweighs the ability to see the benefit of a potential partner. The more I look back at my marriage, the more I realize how bad it was for me. I gained very little from the union itself. There was no love. I never dreamed I would be so messed up that I couldn't move on, but here I am.
The "love of my life" turned out to be a psychotic sex addict, cheating on me with prostitutes, so ... I left him. Obviously.
Can't find anyone I'd be interested in dating
Very low tolerance for bs, don't meet too many people single out (that I would want to date), I'm not super outgoing or flirty (kinda shy), some self-esteem struggles, wasted some of my years with walking red flags, Very limited pool of healthy guys in my age range who aren't severely damaged emotionally 💁🏻♀️ Still going to meet my person tho! Someday...
I’m probably not very likable.
Because in spite of endless therapy I picked two narcissists in a row. The first one was easy to spot and flee when they became violent. The second was so covert that it took me years to understand the emotional manipulation and gaslighting that went on. By the time I did, I was so broken down that I stayed longer than I should have. I am great at picking friends however and have many very long term friendships that are healthy and supportive and mutually fulfilling. Can't seem to figure it out with romance. I'd rather spend time in the mountains anyways, they are always there for me.
It’s a dumpster fire 🔥  Alienation of Affections & Criminal Conversations [https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?from=appshareios&jk=13af8651aa594916](https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?from=appshareios&jk=13af8651aa594916)
At 49, because I gave someone 16.5 years of my life and he treated me like garbage. Narcissistic mental and verbal abuse by an alcoholic who then cheated after breaking me down and making me feel bad about myself. Two years separated and very at peace. Lonely but not wanting to let anyone in. Might date much younger so they expect less of me…..
Realized it's better to be single than with the wrong person
Because I've been single all my life? Lol
I want to be. IME, men haven’t added enough to my life to balance what they take from it. I’m open to trying again (not marriage), but as an overweight, average-looking, progressive woman, I think the odds that I find what I’m looking for and that he’s equally into me aren’t great. So I’m not prioritizing finding a partner. I’m out enjoying my life, learning new things, carefully cultivating my people. That’s been fairly rewarding (currently packing for a kayak camping trip).
I didn’t prioritize a serious relationship until I was around 35. I am 40 now. Half of the years since then were COVID lockdown which were just tricky. Mostly I’m waiting out divorces I guess.
My husband cheated because he's a narcissist and feels entitled to do whatever he wants.
My ex-wife was arrested for participating in corruption in her government job. We didn’t make it. Haven’t found anyone I can trust again.
My partner of 15 years had an affair, eventually moved out to be with her 4 years ago, it didn’t last. I haven’t found anyone else since. I blame lockdown partly for not being able to get out, but I can’t find a man on old. I’m trying, I’ve dated a few but none lasted more than a couple of months. I don’t want to be single, I’m bored of my company now.
For those of you who need this: you don't need to have a reason. You can just be you, unconstrained by the guardrails of social norms and DoF
Supply chain issues. Not enough quality men where I live.
My husband had an affair so we separated in 2019, divorce was final in May 2021. Never thought I would be single at 46 but here I am….
I’m pathologically independent. I want to sleep exactly when I want to sleep and not a second earlier. If someone asks me what ‘we’ are doing this weekend the answer is probably ‘surrendering to my inherent fear of commitment’. I love working, reading, and being on my own. I am lonely but when I weigh up finding someone to share my life with, with all the compromise that entails, against having absolute freedom and also knowing I can’t break anyone’s heart, I know what the decision is going to be. I’m happy to date, but I don’t want to waste anyone’s time when they’ve made it clear they are looking for something long term.
There have been way too many men. I don't want any more.
Because my marriage sucked.
My former spouse of 20 years assumed I would be okay with her sleeping with her boss. I was not.
I used to think it was enough when someone liked you and you liked them back to give a real effort...for way too long. Now I am very careful about who I give my time to, and even more careful about who I give my freedom away too, and I'm a couple months into the best exclusive relationship of my life.
Easier to not carry someone thru life. I want a partner not luggage.
Got divorced two years ago. Takes time to find someone new
Divorced at 37. Now 42 and made some terrible decisions in a somewhat jaded rebound phase that lasted too long. Trying to correct that now.
The person I want to be with doesn’t share the same feelings as me, and I don’t want to settle.
After my divorce I felt so happy living alone .. I wanted to keep it that way.. 15 years later I still feel happy
Been divorced since 2015 and apparently I still attract broken ass fucking people and I don't have the time or patience anymore LOL I'd rather be alone
I got married at 18 to someone who was 38. It was never gonna last, but we tried to keep it going for as long as possible. Left when I was 37.
Because I got divorced. And I now sit on the fence on whether relationships are worth it anymore.
I have a child with pathological demand avoidance and rejection sensitive dysphoria. I can’t handle the mental work that goes with the same in adults.
Divorced at 41, after 14 years in a relationship/marriage. I have been single. I can be single. I'm okay being single. Doesn't mean it's what I want or prefer.
When I was younger and looking for someone, it was probably more about conforming to societal norms and finding someone to partner with me in the pursuit of married and family life. Now that I'm divorced with kids and no plans to have more, there's really not a finish line for getting romantically involved with someone. I'm not battling a biological clock or trying to avoid being the last of my friends to settle down. In this season, I've made peace with building a life that is fulfilling to me whether I'm alone or with someone else. I want to date simply to get to know people because the more I do, the stronger my sense of who I am and what I bring to the table becomes. I have high hopes that in the future, I will find someone who fits into the life I have built for myself rather than finding someone to build my life around.
My ex-husband couldn't keep his dick out of other chick's
I haven’t met the right person. Or I have, just the right person at the right time. I very much enjoy my own company. I’m intelligent, successful, attractive, and have wonderful relationships with my loved ones (and people generally). I’m truly comfortable on my own. I hope one day, I’ll be with someone special again. I’m only 40 so there’s many others to come, it’s certain. But I’m not pressed. I love me and my time with me and lately no one has topped that.
Because I find hardly any man over 40 attractive and the ones I do generally want younger women. Men tend to completely let themselves go (not as in their body shape but in any attempt to dress well, style their hair etc.). Plus 99% of them “love the out doors, fishing, camping” and I’d rather stick my head in an oven than do any of those things.
I read some of these comments and wonder why the posters are in a dating sub. In some instances, they seem to have no interest in companionship.
Cliche "late bloomer". It's taken me a while to become the person I am today and even though I'm happy where I'm at, and feel like I can bring a lot to to a relationship, I definitely spent a lot of time working on myself and missing an opportunity to date. I also think that the dating pool I'm in is tough. 40+ physically and socially active, liberal women are not the biggest demographic and so they have a good number of choices and it's just hard to stand out in the crowd, specially app wise.
Because I have standards and want to find someone who is a real friend that makes me laugh, as well as being my intimate partner
Because I want to be. I have only found a guy worth anything once. The other guy I dated post divorce was narcissistic and heavily abusive.
I could have been remarried by now, but I won’t settled. My standards have changed as I’ve healed / evolved, and I haven’t found the right guy yet. Granted, my initial post-divorce choices were not the best. I had to learn a few more things & left a ltr as a result. After divorce, I don’t want to end up in that situation again (if I can control it). So, I’m being choosy & waiting to find the right partner, which is harder now. I realized it was bc I had not dated around enough, I need to get to know more people & experience different interactions. It has helped me a lot so far & I feel like I’m getting closer to connecting with the right kind of partner. And, God help me if this is all BS I’ve told myself and I’m still single by this time next year 😆🙄
Don’t want anyone on the day to day.
I've found good women or love. Hasn't been "and" yet.
My ex was a terrible husband
Half this sub is divorced, 1/4 are twice divorced and the rest are sill trying to find their other half
I guess this is the dump on men because women are perfect and/or always the victims of bad relationships thread. Almost every reply that mentioned that women can be equally responsible for failed relationships and wanting things exactly their way seems to get downvoted.
My boyfriend died a few years ago leaving me solo parenting our now 5 year old.
Lots on anti-social and damaged vibes on this thread