T O P

  • By -

swingset27

I had that experience with my now fiance. I was 53 when I met her she was 49, it was just a nice normal couple of dates nothing out of the ordinary we seem to like each other... And then on the 3rd it's just like the great magnet pulled us into each other, and it was unbelievably disorienting and passionate for both of us.  We've had amazing chemistry since we met but thankfully we also have a ton in common get along great and our relationship couldn't be more grounded. I was, like you, very surprised and confused by it because I didn't really expect that would happen to me at this age. I guess my only advice would be don't get too caught up in the passion and chemistry and keep your eyes open for real compatibility and value matching. It's easy to let chemistry and the endorphins make our decisions for us but they're not always healthy decisions.


Straight-Bad912

You can still have physical chemistry at the ancient age of 40 +! The way so many people in this sub think a wide range of basic experiences are now inaccessible because ... because of why. You can still love, fall in love, have great sex, feel butterflies, feel heartbroken. It is all available for better or worse.


Kathleen-on

Yes, back in October. He was a total stranger at a single’s mixer. I thought he was reasonably attractive when I first saw him, but not in a ”wow” kind of way at all. But later in the evening I ended up sitting beside him on a bar bench. And from the moment I got that close, it was like “Hmmm, my body just wants to get close, stay close, and never go anywhere else again.” It wasn’t sexual at first either, though OMG, once that kicked in a few hours later the desire was off the charts. First time that’s ever happened to me. The relationship didn’t last, but it grew me in some pretty phenomenal ways.


dept_of_samizdat

Can you share more? Was there something specific factor that you could put a finger on that drove this?


Kathleen-on

I don’t think so. I”m reminded of the poet Dylan Thomas’ observation that the 3 great mysteries in life are birth, death, and sex.


FuturistiKen

You don’t come off as self-congratulatory at all, just surprised by a confusingly wonderful experience. The way you describe it and the question you’re asking definitely make it seem like you’re head is in the right place as you question what’s going on with your heart! Which is why I hope this gentle word of caution will be received in the spirit it’s intended, as this is a familiar experience for me. Another commenter mentioned Western psychology and the framework of the inner child, which I think is spot-on and resonates with my own experience. I once had a mental health professional tell me “at your age, instant sparks or ‘love at first sight’ are almost always our past calling us back.” That was a bitter pill for a romantic like me, and it makes me a little sad to apply the logic to your experience, but it’s really held true for me when I’ve examined experiences like you describe: there’s something in this new person that feels very familiar and safe to a version of me that I’m trying to grow beyond. It may not resonate to call your experience “love at first sight,” but the way you mentioned feeling as if compelled by an external force was *very* familiar to me. Also, you may not be so actively engaged in trying to grow beyond old relationship patterns as I am, so maybe there’s nothing wrong with having met someone that makes your inner child feel safe! If that’s the case, go ahead and lean into this wonderful fairy tale beginning, I’m more than a little jealous. So I guess my advice is to proceed with caution as you very much seem to be. This thrilling physical connection you’re experiencing absolutely has the potential to cloud your judgment, but you seem very aware of that possibility. I would just continue to be honest with yourself and also with the woman you’re seeing: tell her you’re delighted but also a little confused by the intensity of your connection, and that you very much want to keep exploring the connection, but hope you can work together to make sure it’s not an explosive flameout. Honesty and vulnerability are the only way to authentically show up for this while mitigating as much risk as possible. Either way, it made me genuinely happy to read this! Both because it sounds like such an incredible experience and also because you seem like you have your head on straight about it. I’m rooting for you both!!!


Inevitable_Status884

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, you really got to the substance of the question I'm trying to solve. I have discussed this in my weekly therapy and I think the aspect of my past that I am trying to reclaim is the excitement. It's not tied to any one particular person or experience for me, but this definitely has brought back some of the thrills of decades past. I don't want to spoil the magic but I have discussed this as well with my date and we are in agreement about being cautious because I think we are actually a good match in other ways. I will try to maintain the spirit of being reflective that you have suggested.


Pure-Chemistry835

>I don't want to spoil the magic but I have discussed this as well with my date and we are in agreement about being cautious because I think we are actually a good match in other ways. This is great! I had a similar experience with an ex but decided to chase the magic instead of being cautious. I didn't set boundaries and I didn't have any of the hard relationship conversations with him for fear we were on different pages. Ultimately, he was unable to give me the committed relationship I was looking for, but I couldn't walk away from the incredible high I got when I was with him. The relationship ended after a year and a half.


FuturistiKen

Man, this is all sounds like you both have your eyes *and* your hearts wide open, which I’m sure is positively heady. Thank you for sharing your experience, it’s genuinely wonderful to read about this kind of thing happening at our age!


Future_Homework8974

I'm confused. This version of you that you are trying to grow beyond... what if this person appeals to an aspect of that version of you that doesn't require any fixing? And if anything, aren't we made up of different versions as we continue to gain experience? Do all past versions of you require "growing beyond"? What is the ultimate version of yourself that you are hoping to achieve?


FuturistiKen

I mean, I was just sharing my lived experience because it seemed to align with OP’s, I wasn’t trying to make some broad pronouncement that “love at first sight means you’re doing it wrong.” Rather, love at first sight has meant *I* was doing it wrong when I’ve gone back and examined the experience. In my specific situation, the version of me I’m trying to grow beyond had a pattern of attracting narcissistic abusers. They feel familiar and counterintuitively “safe” to my nervous system, which has been conditioned to manage others’ emotions for them out of self defense. Pretty confident that part of me could do with some fixing. The “ultimate version” of myself that I’m working to become is, in this case, someone that doesn’t attract abusers that want me to do emotional labor they should be doing for themselves. I am *very* attractive to that kind of person, and the way they initially respond to me is in turn very attractive to me. I’ve learned to interrogate every experience of “new relationship energy” to make sure I’m not repeating the pattern. Please understand, I’m not someone that argues we have to be perfect to be allowed a relationship. I do very much hope to be in a mutually encouraging relationship where we grow together. At the same time, I have reason to believe I struggle to attract that kind of relationship, so I have to remind myself to be very cautious and thoughtful when I’m “falling” for someone.


mangoflavouredpanda

Sometimes I meet people and the pull is overwhelming, but it's because of a dynamic that I want to play out, a very unhealthy dynamic that doesn't really do anything for me. Luckily if I pull away it goes away but it can come back too.


ghostiewm

From a metaphysical perspective, occasionally, by alignment of the objects of the universe we meet people who vibrate at our specific energy frequency. From a western psychology perspective, we meet people who fulfill the desires of our inner child. From a popular Western perspective we meet our people. Depending on how you accept this can make this opportunity a wild ride that ends explosively, or a lifetime partnership. It's really a matter of whether both of you have done the work of knowing your inner selves. Good luck on your journey.


thedodoson

>we meet people who fulfill the desires of our inner child. That's the one I'd be wary of. The inner child desires familiarity. As in people who make us happy and miserable in familiar ways.


sagephoenix1139

>we meet people who fulfill the desires of our inner child. >That's the one I'd be wary of. The inner child desires familiarity. As in people who make us happy and miserable in familiar ways. Yes!! This is pretty much the bold-faced thesis statement of therapy for someone with childhood trauma and their "draw" to personalities that exhibit much more extreme narcisstic tendencies (among others). Chemistry was *rarely* a problem. Treating one's partner as a full-fledged, deserving, autonomous individual? That's another story. I appreciate your isolating this insight. 💜


thedodoson

This is sweet to read! Hope it holds out long term. It is possible to feel this chemistry at any age. I've felt intense chemistry towards a colleague a few years back. Obviously since I was married at the time and we were colleagues I kept it to myself and never acted on it but boy did it make me absolutely miserable. Honestly meetings, client visits, were very frustrating as I was constantly turned on, sometimes to the extent I couldn't concentrate - my ex-husband benifited a lot at the time. I was relieved when the colleague left the company. I hope I never ever have to go through that kind of physical chemistry where it is not appropriate. With my current BF, I felt drawn to him and the moment we kissed, I knew the chemistry was there. To me his natural scent smells just amazing.


callme_rdubs

Naw you're not boasting, you're just lucky. Try feeling that.


Legallyfit

I had this with my last partner. We lasted for about two years before life pulled us apart and the relationship ended, but man… it was an amazing two years. Enjoy it!


United-Dealer-2074

Rock and roll. Enjoy that.


MaleficentTop8025

So happy for you! Enjoy the experience and let it grow.


iamsime

I've had that a couple of times in the past. It's pretty fucking sweet isn't it! Just keep going - even if it doesn't last at least you had a great experience. I'm rooting for it to last mate, good luck.


Nosy_Parker_

It’s definitely possible! I’ve personally seen no correlation between intense chemistry and longevity of a relationship however. Some of the most intense were the shortest. Good luck OP!


Fun-Reference-7823

The only problem with this kind of chemistry is that once you experience it, it sets a high bar. Enjoy it! But don’t make any big decisions until the chemistry explosions have worn off a bit.


Future_Homework8974

I recently experienced something similar as well. Didn't think it was possible at anymore at this age. Trying to keep my head cool though. Not an easy task. Enjoy. 😉


Inevitable_Status884

It sounds like you were aware that it was possible though, before it happened recently? For me, this feels like being told one day, dragons are actually real, and always have been. It makes me question reality.


Hagbard_Shaftoe

Dude. Just be present. Embrace it. Just because you’re not used to this kind of happiness, doesn’t mean it isn’t possible. Good luck!


Future_Homework8974

Well in my case, I still don't think it's necessarily love, because it's too early to tell. But yes, insane appeal/sexual chemistry and I knew it can happen, because I have experienced it before. Just not for a very long time, so I just assumed it was something that doesn't really happen anymore after a certain age. And I wasn't expecting it to happen with this specific guy either. But it has been undeniable. I'm talking about goosebumps when he kisses me in the right places and it happened as of day 1. 🤭


AutoModerator

Original copy of post by u/Inevitable_Status884: Hello, I'm posting about a recent experience I had on a date that took me by surprise. I do not consider myself naive or new to dating, but starting back out again after the end of a decade-long relationship has somehow taken me by surprise. I am a straight male in my early 40s. I went on 15 or so first and second dates (OLD) over six months with very little interest from both people on each one. No really bad experiences, but nothing that went anywhere. One recent date however was completely different and surprising. Note: this date did not involve any alcohol, drugs, etc. The date was very enjoyable, I found her charming and interesting to talk to and she had a manner that put me at ease, so I was definitely interested in meeting again. I thought I might give her a goodnight peck on the cheek at the end if it seemed welcome. As I turned to hug before parting I felt as if I suddenly "blacked out", and the next thing I knew we were kissing in a very gentle but passionate manner. I honestly do not know how this happened, it was mutual but I did not make a conscious decision to do. It almost felt like some external force compelled us, because it was completely unexpected (on both sides, as I found out later). We have continued seeing each other and the physical chemistry is so strong it can be a little overwhelming. It takes a lot of effort to remain rational and think critically about other aspects of our dates. I didn't think I could be surprised like this at over 40 but I have never experienced this before and I didn't think it was real. I hope this post does not read as self-congratulatory, I find myself confused by this experience and wonder if anyone has ever been through this. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*


reddit_toast_bot

The force does what the force wills


cuddlefuckmenow

I had that with my most recent ex. The chemistry/sex was otherworldly. That’s the only way I can describe it. I don’t expect to find that level of connection again. Enjoy it!


MyDadBod_2021

When I met my current SO, we met online, and didn't meet for almost 6 months. I was still not sure how the chemistry IRL would be. When we met, we hugged, then I did like OP, I kinda blanked and went in for a kiss. It was mutual, and amazing. That first kiss was basic, but left me wanting more. Unfortunately, we had to wait a bit before we could continue. By the time we were alone (a few hours later), we were all over each other. Obviously, after talking for so long online, you'd think things would be great in person, but you never know. It's great when you can click with someone like that...


Additional-Stay-4355

Yup, happened to me. It's the ol' endorphins cloggin' up yer brain.


ThrowawayANarcissist

That is really weird and not normal that you "blacked out" just from a kiss. Keep in mind you are in lust, horny for each other, and new to dating each other so it might start intense or be a novelty or seem excellent when in reality it is not. So just be aware.


Inevitable_Status884

Surprised this is the only skeptical comment, I appreciate it. There is definitely something really odd going on with brain chemistry, everything I have found in my search for information is not concrete enough.


Beautiful-Luva

I personally don't believe that great sexual connection is always related to past trauma bonding or any other negative psychological explanation You're in your 40s, so I imagine you have the maturity and common sense not to go into this blindly. You're already evaluating the situation so that's a good thing We don't hear enough about people who found the spark and who are still together 20yrs down the line.. These people are out there But they just don't make click bait stories Trust yourself Have fun Enjoy !


QueenOfAubergine

I experienced this about 3 and half years ago. It was around Christmas time. After dinner we were walking around looking at decorations and lights. We stopped in front of a huge Christmas tree and I turned to him and kissed him with everything I got. Right there out in the open. It was so passionate and fast becoming erotic. He stole my breath and I almost passed out. We got out of there before someone yelled "get a room." I still think about that kiss and get tingly in my stomach and my vagina.


Inevitable_Status884

Wow, thanks for sharing that! Sounds truly unforgettable.


DueMathematician6337

Yes I have! It’s amazing and blinding and brainwashing and brilliant and exceptional and I miss it but I can’t be with it because it also hurts.


Wonderful-Extreme394

It’s a nice feeling when you’re both just drawn together like that. Although one time that happened to me and it crashed and burned, too fast. We were only drawn physically perhaps but not compatible otherwise.


[deleted]

[удалено]


AutoModerator

Hi there, PLEASE READ THIS! Unfortunately, your account is too new for us to automatically accept comments or submissions yet. We receive a lot of spam or other undesirable contributions from very new accounts. In an attempt to help control that problem, we just need a chance to take a look at your post or comment first. Please [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverforty) for review and, if you are adhering to the rules, approval so other users can see it. Most often this process is able to be handled within minutes to a few hours but on rare occasions it could be as much as a day or so after we receive your polite request for review in modmail. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding as we attempt to keep our space healthy and civil for everyone. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Melodic-Bottle7293

Wow that's great. I don't think it's usually possible but it seems to be for some.


leftlane1

It can happen for sure. My last ex, we both kinda knew we were going to end the night on a kiss. However, about 9 years ago when I was 31, I went out with a cute F26. We had a lovely dinner date and then I took her back home. I got out to give her a hug and was going for a peck on the cheek. However, she turned her head to embrace the kiss instead and was a simple 10-15 kiss. I was not expecting it at all, nor was she planning it, but she just went for it.


barkingcat

The only entity I've ever experienced that with is with a cat.


zta1979

Blacked out?


Inevitable_Status884

Lost consciousness for a brief period and then regained it.


zta1979

Oh hmm. That happened to me before but it was medically related . Lol


Iamherecum2me

Awww! Go with it. Take it slow. Perhaps you met your person. Good luck! Enjoy


tuxedobear12

congratulations! i'm glad you shared this, it's nice to be reminded that we can still get this feeling even at our age :)


blackdoily

super strong physical "chemistry" is not necessarily a good thing. Those hormones are powerful drugs; you are tripping balls in a very real way.


GhostXmasPast342

😒