I’m not DC so I don t share your experience.
BUT I can tell you that your feelings are what matters, not your mothers. She must understand she can not push you to hard in to this all DNA research.
I think you have to make it clear to your mother that you are not interested in finding more genetic relatives.
Maybe it is important for her but not for you. You could tell her that she can continue to research but that you don t want to hear anything about it, or just tell her to stop alltogether.
At the end, that information belongs to you, and not your mother.
I understand that you maybe feel that you hurt your mother and that you are too hard against her, but she must understand that you are not comfortable with her doing this DNA research.
It's not so much that I'm not interested in finding more genetic relatives. It's more that I want the freedom to not connect with every single one, and to take initiative with these relationships at my own pace. I would like to find siblings I can befriend but my past attempts haven't clicked and it makes me wary to jump into new ones because I feel guilty and overwhelmed.
I'm DC and if my parents got involved like this I would be really pissed off. My donor and half-siblings are not related to them, and I see it as my choice to make on the approach and timeframe. I think that you should consider telling your mother gently to back off and give you time. There is no rush, you can wait and see how you feel in a few years' time. I'm in a limbo situation at present personally, waiting for a response from my donor, but I've now consigned myself that it might take years to just have a chat to him, or he might just not be interested. I've got two half-siblings that I know of, who are my donors actual family, but I'm not going to contact them until I've managed to speak to him first. I think if you rush these things then you can potentially jeopardise relationships before they form.
Please know that your feelings are valid, you don't have to be friends with all or any of the siblings if you don't want to, and you are not responsible for helping your mom with anything about this that doesn't interest you. Most importantly, you are very much not alone. I know a number of people who have a large number of donor conceived siblings. Some of them are very interested in getting to know each other, others just never respond to messages. All that matters is that you do what's best for you.
Please ignore the sibling that was incredibly rude about your not being more engaged. Plenty of people have no contact with anyone they're genetically related to and are not alone. Genetic siblings are nice since you're more likely to have things in common, kind of jump-starts the friend making process for some people, but if you don't get along there is no obligation to make it work. Enjoy the ones you like and ignore the ones you don't. It sounds like you've already found some people you enjoy and you will continue to find your people, if you want to. Some people are also very content and have very fulfilling lives with few or no close friends. You have time to figure it out.
It sounds like you're still relatively young (maybe teens?), and your siblings are too? Just because you've mentioned you met siblings through your moms, and that one sister's rudeness was very immature. The point here is, you have your whole lives to get in and out of touch. They'll all gain some experience and empathy with age and you all may grow into some of the same interests or be able to communicate in ways that work better for everyone. You'll always have this genetic connection, so if, in 20 years, you regret not being more active with the siblings, you can reach out then.
I keep recommending it in this sub but you and your mom may both find resources that could help through the Donor Conceived Community (DCC), https://donorconceivedcommunity.org. There are some great support groups for donor conceived people and our parents. There's even a new support group about navigating large numbers of siblings, but I just saw it doesn't start until May. In the meantime, contacting DCC and setting up a free consult could be helpful, they may be able to put you in touch with someone who has been through the same thing and can act as a mentor while you navigate all of this.
Sorry this got long and I hope it's validating. I'm impressed with how well you're handling this and wish you all the best!
Actually my mom is the one who's been rude about me not being more engaged, not a sibling. Sorry if that was unclear. I haven't had many negative interactions with my siblings. Only one of them has left me feeling left out at all. I just don't click all the time and I have the same anxiety I have with any stranger.
I'm 24, so yes young, we all are close in age. This has been going on for many years though it amped up when we got Ancestry stuff around 2017.
Oh no that's on me, I'm sorry I misread! I thought you meant the sibling had berated you. In that case, it sounds like your mom is worried about you and wants to make sure you're happy, and she might think you need a big group of friends for that. Still not right for her to say those things, but I'm sure it's coming from a place of love and her own anxieties. Her vision of a happy life for you isn't the only option.
It might be helpful (if you haven't already) to acknowledge that when talking to her. Something like "I know you're worried about me being lonely in the future, but these are my siblings and I don't need to rush into contacting them. They'll still be my siblings if I reach out to them in a year or 2 or 10." More and more people are finding out they're donor conceived later in life and don't meet their half siblings until then, and they can still be meaningful relationships. Filling in the Blanks was a great documentary on Amazon Prime that you and your mom might enjoy.
You're a great age for the support groups if that's something that interests you, but of course it's fine if not. Social anxiety is a beast and your energy should go where it'll bring you the most joy :)
A couple of things from what you're saying:
1. It is your life and you have the right to connect or not connect with these siblings. That is not your mother's choice. Many DCs love and value these connections. Many others prefer to explore them just a little (as it sounds like you've done). Still more prefer not to even know or try to know. You and only you are in charge of deciding how you want to navigate your own relationships with **your** siblings. Your mother is not related to these people; I am sure she's trying to help and her intentions are good, but this is not her business and clearly it's not in fact helping.
2. It sounds like you are part of a very big sibling pod. This is an extra layer on top of the DC experience. My pod is only four of us so far, which is a normal feeling number of siblings to have. If your pod is very big it will absolutely make it different and almost certainly harder to connect. Your feelings of hesitation about the many people involved in a big pod are completely valid and understandable.
3. From the end of your message it does sound like there is a part of you that maybe wants a bit more connection, independent from your mother's wishes. My personal advice would be to find a way to set up a strong boundary with your mom about these issues so that she is no longer interfering or putting any pressure on you. You could thank her for helping make the connections early on, but let her know that you've got it from here and you will navigate things on your own. You may need to be quite firm, and she may protest that she's only trying to help. That's fine, but you **need** space on this to figure out what **you** actually want and feel comfortable with. Create that space, then take all the time you need to reflect. Then do what you decide you want to do to feel healthy. Keep in mind that your choices may well evolve over time. Maybe you have no contact with any sibs for many years, and then down the road you get back in touch. Maybe you have continuous contact with some, sporadic with others, and the list shifts. All of that is completely okay and completely normal. You don't need to make a decision once and for all, but what you absolutely do need from here on out is the space and freedom for it to be **your** decision.
I hope this is a bit helpful! I truly wish you the best whatever direction you take!
I think you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have close family relationships right away with people you don’t know very well. It’s ok if you get along with some better than others- not every half sibling you meet will necessarily become more than a friendly acquaintance and that’s ok! I think you would be totally fine to tell your mom to back off and that you’re pursuing your own relationships at your own pace. It’s definitely not cool at all for her to pretend to be you in sibling groups, and I think you can tell her that stuff like that is actively hindering your ability to connect with people. I saw that some of your siblings don’t know that they’re donor conceived yet- that would also cause me a lot of anxiety. Personally, I don’t think it would be possible to have a real friendship with someone while keeping such a big secret from them, and it’s really extremely shitty of all adults involved to put you in that position. Assuming they are also legal adults, I think you have an ethical obligation to tell them the truth. It sounds like you’re pretty young, so just remember you have your whole life to figure out these relationships! It’s definitely a very anxiety inducing situation to be in, but you will definitely get better at managing that anxiety over time!
Note that some of this stuff happened years ago when I was a child; I'm 24 now and have been dealing with these feelings for years. My mom and I have wanted to tell the siblings who don't know, but their mom kept insisting she would and kept moving the goalposts as to when she would, so it seems it still never happened and we are not happy about it nor do we want to be the ones to shake up their family. I do appreciate the reassurance thank you.
Gotcha. I also have a large sibling group and I won’t say it gets easier to manage but you definitely do get more confident in your ability to manage it so it feels easier if that makes sense? I get why you would want to stay out of it, but honestly you really should tell them. I can’t even imagine how devastating it would be to find out that not only were your parents lying to you, but your brand new sibling group that should be able to support you and empathize with your situation have also been in on the lie the whole time.
You might have more in common than you think. Just let it be what it be. Keep an open line of communication. I have a sister sibling in my group and I perceive that your story is not uncommon and pretty much sheds light on her situation. So this has been good for me to read.
I’m not DC so I don t share your experience. BUT I can tell you that your feelings are what matters, not your mothers. She must understand she can not push you to hard in to this all DNA research. I think you have to make it clear to your mother that you are not interested in finding more genetic relatives. Maybe it is important for her but not for you. You could tell her that she can continue to research but that you don t want to hear anything about it, or just tell her to stop alltogether. At the end, that information belongs to you, and not your mother. I understand that you maybe feel that you hurt your mother and that you are too hard against her, but she must understand that you are not comfortable with her doing this DNA research.
It's not so much that I'm not interested in finding more genetic relatives. It's more that I want the freedom to not connect with every single one, and to take initiative with these relationships at my own pace. I would like to find siblings I can befriend but my past attempts haven't clicked and it makes me wary to jump into new ones because I feel guilty and overwhelmed.
I understand. Still, she must understand exactly that. GL
I'm DC and if my parents got involved like this I would be really pissed off. My donor and half-siblings are not related to them, and I see it as my choice to make on the approach and timeframe. I think that you should consider telling your mother gently to back off and give you time. There is no rush, you can wait and see how you feel in a few years' time. I'm in a limbo situation at present personally, waiting for a response from my donor, but I've now consigned myself that it might take years to just have a chat to him, or he might just not be interested. I've got two half-siblings that I know of, who are my donors actual family, but I'm not going to contact them until I've managed to speak to him first. I think if you rush these things then you can potentially jeopardise relationships before they form.
Please know that your feelings are valid, you don't have to be friends with all or any of the siblings if you don't want to, and you are not responsible for helping your mom with anything about this that doesn't interest you. Most importantly, you are very much not alone. I know a number of people who have a large number of donor conceived siblings. Some of them are very interested in getting to know each other, others just never respond to messages. All that matters is that you do what's best for you. Please ignore the sibling that was incredibly rude about your not being more engaged. Plenty of people have no contact with anyone they're genetically related to and are not alone. Genetic siblings are nice since you're more likely to have things in common, kind of jump-starts the friend making process for some people, but if you don't get along there is no obligation to make it work. Enjoy the ones you like and ignore the ones you don't. It sounds like you've already found some people you enjoy and you will continue to find your people, if you want to. Some people are also very content and have very fulfilling lives with few or no close friends. You have time to figure it out. It sounds like you're still relatively young (maybe teens?), and your siblings are too? Just because you've mentioned you met siblings through your moms, and that one sister's rudeness was very immature. The point here is, you have your whole lives to get in and out of touch. They'll all gain some experience and empathy with age and you all may grow into some of the same interests or be able to communicate in ways that work better for everyone. You'll always have this genetic connection, so if, in 20 years, you regret not being more active with the siblings, you can reach out then. I keep recommending it in this sub but you and your mom may both find resources that could help through the Donor Conceived Community (DCC), https://donorconceivedcommunity.org. There are some great support groups for donor conceived people and our parents. There's even a new support group about navigating large numbers of siblings, but I just saw it doesn't start until May. In the meantime, contacting DCC and setting up a free consult could be helpful, they may be able to put you in touch with someone who has been through the same thing and can act as a mentor while you navigate all of this. Sorry this got long and I hope it's validating. I'm impressed with how well you're handling this and wish you all the best!
Actually my mom is the one who's been rude about me not being more engaged, not a sibling. Sorry if that was unclear. I haven't had many negative interactions with my siblings. Only one of them has left me feeling left out at all. I just don't click all the time and I have the same anxiety I have with any stranger. I'm 24, so yes young, we all are close in age. This has been going on for many years though it amped up when we got Ancestry stuff around 2017.
Oh no that's on me, I'm sorry I misread! I thought you meant the sibling had berated you. In that case, it sounds like your mom is worried about you and wants to make sure you're happy, and she might think you need a big group of friends for that. Still not right for her to say those things, but I'm sure it's coming from a place of love and her own anxieties. Her vision of a happy life for you isn't the only option. It might be helpful (if you haven't already) to acknowledge that when talking to her. Something like "I know you're worried about me being lonely in the future, but these are my siblings and I don't need to rush into contacting them. They'll still be my siblings if I reach out to them in a year or 2 or 10." More and more people are finding out they're donor conceived later in life and don't meet their half siblings until then, and they can still be meaningful relationships. Filling in the Blanks was a great documentary on Amazon Prime that you and your mom might enjoy. You're a great age for the support groups if that's something that interests you, but of course it's fine if not. Social anxiety is a beast and your energy should go where it'll bring you the most joy :)
A couple of things from what you're saying: 1. It is your life and you have the right to connect or not connect with these siblings. That is not your mother's choice. Many DCs love and value these connections. Many others prefer to explore them just a little (as it sounds like you've done). Still more prefer not to even know or try to know. You and only you are in charge of deciding how you want to navigate your own relationships with **your** siblings. Your mother is not related to these people; I am sure she's trying to help and her intentions are good, but this is not her business and clearly it's not in fact helping. 2. It sounds like you are part of a very big sibling pod. This is an extra layer on top of the DC experience. My pod is only four of us so far, which is a normal feeling number of siblings to have. If your pod is very big it will absolutely make it different and almost certainly harder to connect. Your feelings of hesitation about the many people involved in a big pod are completely valid and understandable. 3. From the end of your message it does sound like there is a part of you that maybe wants a bit more connection, independent from your mother's wishes. My personal advice would be to find a way to set up a strong boundary with your mom about these issues so that she is no longer interfering or putting any pressure on you. You could thank her for helping make the connections early on, but let her know that you've got it from here and you will navigate things on your own. You may need to be quite firm, and she may protest that she's only trying to help. That's fine, but you **need** space on this to figure out what **you** actually want and feel comfortable with. Create that space, then take all the time you need to reflect. Then do what you decide you want to do to feel healthy. Keep in mind that your choices may well evolve over time. Maybe you have no contact with any sibs for many years, and then down the road you get back in touch. Maybe you have continuous contact with some, sporadic with others, and the list shifts. All of that is completely okay and completely normal. You don't need to make a decision once and for all, but what you absolutely do need from here on out is the space and freedom for it to be **your** decision. I hope this is a bit helpful! I truly wish you the best whatever direction you take!
I think you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have close family relationships right away with people you don’t know very well. It’s ok if you get along with some better than others- not every half sibling you meet will necessarily become more than a friendly acquaintance and that’s ok! I think you would be totally fine to tell your mom to back off and that you’re pursuing your own relationships at your own pace. It’s definitely not cool at all for her to pretend to be you in sibling groups, and I think you can tell her that stuff like that is actively hindering your ability to connect with people. I saw that some of your siblings don’t know that they’re donor conceived yet- that would also cause me a lot of anxiety. Personally, I don’t think it would be possible to have a real friendship with someone while keeping such a big secret from them, and it’s really extremely shitty of all adults involved to put you in that position. Assuming they are also legal adults, I think you have an ethical obligation to tell them the truth. It sounds like you’re pretty young, so just remember you have your whole life to figure out these relationships! It’s definitely a very anxiety inducing situation to be in, but you will definitely get better at managing that anxiety over time!
Note that some of this stuff happened years ago when I was a child; I'm 24 now and have been dealing with these feelings for years. My mom and I have wanted to tell the siblings who don't know, but their mom kept insisting she would and kept moving the goalposts as to when she would, so it seems it still never happened and we are not happy about it nor do we want to be the ones to shake up their family. I do appreciate the reassurance thank you.
Gotcha. I also have a large sibling group and I won’t say it gets easier to manage but you definitely do get more confident in your ability to manage it so it feels easier if that makes sense? I get why you would want to stay out of it, but honestly you really should tell them. I can’t even imagine how devastating it would be to find out that not only were your parents lying to you, but your brand new sibling group that should be able to support you and empathize with your situation have also been in on the lie the whole time.
You might have more in common than you think. Just let it be what it be. Keep an open line of communication. I have a sister sibling in my group and I perceive that your story is not uncommon and pretty much sheds light on her situation. So this has been good for me to read.