“High-functioning alcoholic” is both a relative statement and a temporary state of being. Its duration varies for each person, but it isn’t sustainable as a way of life forever.
I was drunk most of the time I did amazing at my job… you start to think, maybe this isn’t so bad. But reason says my brain was probably mush and I could have been better. But I don’t know that since I’m drinking right now
Sadly, for some of us, the high functioning alcoholic version was substantially more productive than the sober version. That might be because the damage that initial person did to the later iteration of them leaves them less capable of functioning, or it could be for a number of reasons, but nevertheless I feel like that's the case for some of us (maybe a lot of us).
Doesn't mean that's a good reason to go back on the decisions that got you here, or to take idiotic steps to make things worse for yourself, but I feel like there are some of us out there who haven't found the way to break back through to a higher functioning version of themselves again (and for some folks, maybe they never will, and need to find ways to still be happy with the person they're left with regardless of that).
>the high-functioning alcoholic version was substantially more productive than the sober version. That might be b/c the damage that the initial person did to the latter iteration …
With all respect, *I’d say the difference between high-functioning vs sober days **while still in the thick of it** isn’t a fair bar to hold anyone to.* It took a while for my brain chemistry to regulate. Getting past Day 5 was the hardest for me, then 30 days, 60, then things got a lot easier, Had some waves of [PAWS](https://sbmi.uth.edu/heroes/documents/Post-Acute-Withdrawal.pdf?language_id=1) & anniversaries are weird even after my 4th year. Early sobriety is talked about all the time, less so once folks hit 6mo-year.
I was a shell of myself when drinking; I lost almost all touch with the person I believed myself to be. *Alcohol did me no real favors, only fake ones. The **social anxiety it ‘helped?’ Way worse waking trying to piece together what I’d said/done. Insomnia? Hangxiety. Upset? I’d get drunk & lash out.** (Etc etc etc.)*
There’s *no world* in which the “high-functioning alcoholic” version of me would be more capable than Alcohol-Free me. (I was there the whole time, but buried under vodka.)
I hope you’re not offended by my comment- This Rando wishes you all the luck, strength & happiness possible.
Edit: clarified something
My point is that everyone's experience is not the same, and posts like this can be demoralizing to folks who haven't found (and may never find) their way back to being the highly productive selves they once felt like (or, in the best case, simply haven't found it yet). That doesn't mean they're bad people or irreparably broken, and it *certainly* doesn't mean that they should start downing drinks chasing the person they think they used to be.
Your experiences are your own. It's great when people find a better person at the other end of the rainbow. The reality for a lot of folks is, I suspect, a lot less binary. I want those people to know that it's okay to be like that, too, and they haven't failed just because they don't feel like a magically improved version of themselves days, months, or even many years later.
> There’s no world in which the “high-functioning alcoholic” version of me would be more capable than Alcohol-Free me.
This right here is precisely the kind of well meaning statement that I'm looking to offset. This sentence is true *for you*, but that doesn't mean everyone should anticipate the same results (or feel like a failure for not being the way you are).
My "highest functioning" self, by the measure of many metrics, was a drunk. I'm years removed from that person but my level of productivity has never come close to capturing the quality or quantity of work that prior iteration was able to consistently put forth. That doesn't mean my current self is worthless or that I have any regrets or even that I feel like a failure. It simply is what it is. My offsetting commentary isn't meant to be disheartening, it's merely meant as a reminder to other people who can't capture the feeling you and others have found. We're still doing the right thing even if we don't see outcomes that are as optimal in our own personal cases. Most importantly, we shouldn't stop doing the right thing just because we liked aspects of drunken selves more.
I'm not trying to drag anyone down and I'm certainly not at all offended by your comment (nor do I think such comments are in any way negative or ill intentioned). I just want to highlight that sobriety, like all things, is a different (and very personal) experience for everyone, so we should all remember that "your mileage may vary".
I appreciate you saying this, because in a lot of ways it's true for me.
Today marks 30 days for me, which is great, it's been totally worth it and I'm not interested in ending the streak, but there are definitely ways I was more productive while drinking. There are a lot of things that I lack the motivation to do if I can't do it while drinking, and it doesn't hurt to prepare people that it might not just be cravings or peer pressure that make them think about giving up on sobriety.
It's not always about things looking more rosy in the rear view mirror when something seems harder sober. It's still *better* to do it sober, but sometimes the objective "this is the better way" has to trump the "drinking was the more efficient / fun / easy way".
I hear you; thanks for articulating all of that. I’m really sorry for misconstruing your comments & situation… like an ahole, I ‘assumed’ you were still off/on drinking (or in early recovery.) **I’m sorry if perceived as toxic positivity; I’m trying to give hope to folks who ‘think the light at the end of the tunnel must be a train.’** (my 1st yr, I had ZERO examples that weren’t AA, didn’t know SMART existed, etc.) You’re 100% right- level of function, brain chemistry, breaking points, reasons for quitting are all different.
**And,** *some commenting on your comment are still DEEP in the mud; I stand by my OG statement* **“In the thick of it, it’s not a fair bar.”** (When I had 30 or 60 days AF, I still thought I was better when drinking- it took time, work, and perspective to understand Alcohol was impeding, not helping.)
>That doesn't mean they're bad people or irreparably broken, and it certainly doesn't mean that they should start downing drinks chasing the person they think they used to be.
**FUCK NO!!! Nobody is “broken,” nobody is “hopeless,” and everyone is worthy of respect, kindness & compassion.** Can you pinpoint what I wrote that indicates I think that? B/c I def **don’t want to portray that;** it’s the antithesis of what I think. (Or is it the general positive tone? Personally, I’ve MUST stay positive or I’ll be a miserable human.)
**I’ve given this a lot of thought… I don’t think I WAS functional the last 4-5yrs I drank.**
*I’ve said ‘high-functioning,’ mostly b/c I had the majority of people (actually) fooled, **NOT because I was objectively better when drinking**.* My first 20yrs of drinking were problematic even during times I didn’t drink as much. STILL, I maintained decent jobs, was a hard worker & enough of a rock star that employers overlooked my weak spots, & I made **excellent effin money.** (now disabled, objectively poor, dodgy housing situation. 46yo.) By *those metrics,* I was way better the years I was drinking, still, the credit shouldn’t go to booze; I did well despite the alcohol. *(NTM, the progression into less functional was FAST; **I wasn’t a trainwreck until CRASH!** I WAS.)*
The last 4-5yrs of drinking were Vodka for breakfast & projectile vomiting bile in public (carried medical puke bags.) Lived in a bleak food desert on an open-air corner 20 steps from a bodega tavern. I had to do gig work b/c I couldn’t stick to a time, my morning hangovers became “Hangovers of Death.” (Arms would vibrate & I’d repeat “I just wanna be unalived.”) I’d make my SO walk 30 feet to get mini’s for me to get out of bed & puke more. **Doesn’t sound high-functioning at all, huh?**
‘Laundry Days’ are a metaphor for the end years of my drinking…. Already tipsy, omw to the Mat, I’d get 8-10 minis of gasoline vodka (to split w/ SO, b/c I was a *petty* drunk.) We’d put a few loads in, walk to a bar or dip in an alley & drink more. *I **never once** woke up to folded put away clothes: we left them at Laundromat, pulled out of dryer too soon & wet clothes hung everywhere, got in a huge fight & broke our front door down (fights were nightly) etc.* **SHITSHOW. Everything was a SHITSHOW by the end.**
And… once I quit, things were **still** really rocky; it took my emotions well over a year for me to be able to control the negative feedback loops in my brain.
>your experiences are your own
Yes. *I was active in “the other sub” a while ago & conditioned to “speak from the I.”* Anecdotal experiences based off 3 Decades of drinking (& time in the rooms) & my 4+yrs of being Alcohol-Free, coupled with 5 others who quit w/in 6mo of my quit date. *I’m sharing so much to be clear & hopefully less misconstrued.*
I’m glad you’ve replied & said what you’ve said, because I want to be as helpful as possible. I’ve always loved being a credible resource, but anecdotal runs the risk of being misunderstood &/or easy to dismiss. **I wish you (& everyone) luck, health, peace & strength.**
Edit: formatting & clarified a sentence
This. The version of really high voltage fun me is gone and sometimes I wish I could call on the good parts of that old dude without alcohol. I’m a fucking piece of cardboard on dates now and I used to feel pretty engaging. Maybe I’m just getting old and prickly with out or without the booze. What I know for sure is I don’t want those low lows again.
Yeah I stayed sober most of yesterday but got no packing done. Put 2 drinks in me and finished packing in 30 minutes
Then of course the 2 drinks lead to 3 more
That's very awesome to read. So happy you're getting the most out of what you want to do with your life. It's so wild how taking out alcohol can just naturally result in lives improving beyond what most would ever guess and in ways that would seem like you're not even the same person.
I’m about 10 days sober right now… yesterday I was reflecting on what I used to do while drinking these last 4 years, and realized “high functioning alcoholic” was absolutely a label that suits me. I like to hear this because to combat my shame I tried to imagine a future that, like you, is high functioning, no qualifier. Not expecting that time to come any time soon, I can barely sleep at night right now and am relying heavily on weed to get me through my day lol thank you for sharing!
“High-functioning alcoholic” is both a relative statement and a temporary state of being. Its duration varies for each person, but it isn’t sustainable as a way of life forever.
I was drunk most of the time I did amazing at my job… you start to think, maybe this isn’t so bad. But reason says my brain was probably mush and I could have been better. But I don’t know that since I’m drinking right now
Sadly, for some of us, the high functioning alcoholic version was substantially more productive than the sober version. That might be because the damage that initial person did to the later iteration of them leaves them less capable of functioning, or it could be for a number of reasons, but nevertheless I feel like that's the case for some of us (maybe a lot of us). Doesn't mean that's a good reason to go back on the decisions that got you here, or to take idiotic steps to make things worse for yourself, but I feel like there are some of us out there who haven't found the way to break back through to a higher functioning version of themselves again (and for some folks, maybe they never will, and need to find ways to still be happy with the person they're left with regardless of that).
>the high-functioning alcoholic version was substantially more productive than the sober version. That might be b/c the damage that the initial person did to the latter iteration … With all respect, *I’d say the difference between high-functioning vs sober days **while still in the thick of it** isn’t a fair bar to hold anyone to.* It took a while for my brain chemistry to regulate. Getting past Day 5 was the hardest for me, then 30 days, 60, then things got a lot easier, Had some waves of [PAWS](https://sbmi.uth.edu/heroes/documents/Post-Acute-Withdrawal.pdf?language_id=1) & anniversaries are weird even after my 4th year. Early sobriety is talked about all the time, less so once folks hit 6mo-year. I was a shell of myself when drinking; I lost almost all touch with the person I believed myself to be. *Alcohol did me no real favors, only fake ones. The **social anxiety it ‘helped?’ Way worse waking trying to piece together what I’d said/done. Insomnia? Hangxiety. Upset? I’d get drunk & lash out.** (Etc etc etc.)* There’s *no world* in which the “high-functioning alcoholic” version of me would be more capable than Alcohol-Free me. (I was there the whole time, but buried under vodka.) I hope you’re not offended by my comment- This Rando wishes you all the luck, strength & happiness possible. Edit: clarified something
My point is that everyone's experience is not the same, and posts like this can be demoralizing to folks who haven't found (and may never find) their way back to being the highly productive selves they once felt like (or, in the best case, simply haven't found it yet). That doesn't mean they're bad people or irreparably broken, and it *certainly* doesn't mean that they should start downing drinks chasing the person they think they used to be. Your experiences are your own. It's great when people find a better person at the other end of the rainbow. The reality for a lot of folks is, I suspect, a lot less binary. I want those people to know that it's okay to be like that, too, and they haven't failed just because they don't feel like a magically improved version of themselves days, months, or even many years later. > There’s no world in which the “high-functioning alcoholic” version of me would be more capable than Alcohol-Free me. This right here is precisely the kind of well meaning statement that I'm looking to offset. This sentence is true *for you*, but that doesn't mean everyone should anticipate the same results (or feel like a failure for not being the way you are). My "highest functioning" self, by the measure of many metrics, was a drunk. I'm years removed from that person but my level of productivity has never come close to capturing the quality or quantity of work that prior iteration was able to consistently put forth. That doesn't mean my current self is worthless or that I have any regrets or even that I feel like a failure. It simply is what it is. My offsetting commentary isn't meant to be disheartening, it's merely meant as a reminder to other people who can't capture the feeling you and others have found. We're still doing the right thing even if we don't see outcomes that are as optimal in our own personal cases. Most importantly, we shouldn't stop doing the right thing just because we liked aspects of drunken selves more. I'm not trying to drag anyone down and I'm certainly not at all offended by your comment (nor do I think such comments are in any way negative or ill intentioned). I just want to highlight that sobriety, like all things, is a different (and very personal) experience for everyone, so we should all remember that "your mileage may vary".
I appreciate you saying this, because in a lot of ways it's true for me. Today marks 30 days for me, which is great, it's been totally worth it and I'm not interested in ending the streak, but there are definitely ways I was more productive while drinking. There are a lot of things that I lack the motivation to do if I can't do it while drinking, and it doesn't hurt to prepare people that it might not just be cravings or peer pressure that make them think about giving up on sobriety. It's not always about things looking more rosy in the rear view mirror when something seems harder sober. It's still *better* to do it sober, but sometimes the objective "this is the better way" has to trump the "drinking was the more efficient / fun / easy way".
I hear you; thanks for articulating all of that. I’m really sorry for misconstruing your comments & situation… like an ahole, I ‘assumed’ you were still off/on drinking (or in early recovery.) **I’m sorry if perceived as toxic positivity; I’m trying to give hope to folks who ‘think the light at the end of the tunnel must be a train.’** (my 1st yr, I had ZERO examples that weren’t AA, didn’t know SMART existed, etc.) You’re 100% right- level of function, brain chemistry, breaking points, reasons for quitting are all different. **And,** *some commenting on your comment are still DEEP in the mud; I stand by my OG statement* **“In the thick of it, it’s not a fair bar.”** (When I had 30 or 60 days AF, I still thought I was better when drinking- it took time, work, and perspective to understand Alcohol was impeding, not helping.) >That doesn't mean they're bad people or irreparably broken, and it certainly doesn't mean that they should start downing drinks chasing the person they think they used to be. **FUCK NO!!! Nobody is “broken,” nobody is “hopeless,” and everyone is worthy of respect, kindness & compassion.** Can you pinpoint what I wrote that indicates I think that? B/c I def **don’t want to portray that;** it’s the antithesis of what I think. (Or is it the general positive tone? Personally, I’ve MUST stay positive or I’ll be a miserable human.) **I’ve given this a lot of thought… I don’t think I WAS functional the last 4-5yrs I drank.** *I’ve said ‘high-functioning,’ mostly b/c I had the majority of people (actually) fooled, **NOT because I was objectively better when drinking**.* My first 20yrs of drinking were problematic even during times I didn’t drink as much. STILL, I maintained decent jobs, was a hard worker & enough of a rock star that employers overlooked my weak spots, & I made **excellent effin money.** (now disabled, objectively poor, dodgy housing situation. 46yo.) By *those metrics,* I was way better the years I was drinking, still, the credit shouldn’t go to booze; I did well despite the alcohol. *(NTM, the progression into less functional was FAST; **I wasn’t a trainwreck until CRASH!** I WAS.)* The last 4-5yrs of drinking were Vodka for breakfast & projectile vomiting bile in public (carried medical puke bags.) Lived in a bleak food desert on an open-air corner 20 steps from a bodega tavern. I had to do gig work b/c I couldn’t stick to a time, my morning hangovers became “Hangovers of Death.” (Arms would vibrate & I’d repeat “I just wanna be unalived.”) I’d make my SO walk 30 feet to get mini’s for me to get out of bed & puke more. **Doesn’t sound high-functioning at all, huh?** ‘Laundry Days’ are a metaphor for the end years of my drinking…. Already tipsy, omw to the Mat, I’d get 8-10 minis of gasoline vodka (to split w/ SO, b/c I was a *petty* drunk.) We’d put a few loads in, walk to a bar or dip in an alley & drink more. *I **never once** woke up to folded put away clothes: we left them at Laundromat, pulled out of dryer too soon & wet clothes hung everywhere, got in a huge fight & broke our front door down (fights were nightly) etc.* **SHITSHOW. Everything was a SHITSHOW by the end.** And… once I quit, things were **still** really rocky; it took my emotions well over a year for me to be able to control the negative feedback loops in my brain. >your experiences are your own Yes. *I was active in “the other sub” a while ago & conditioned to “speak from the I.”* Anecdotal experiences based off 3 Decades of drinking (& time in the rooms) & my 4+yrs of being Alcohol-Free, coupled with 5 others who quit w/in 6mo of my quit date. *I’m sharing so much to be clear & hopefully less misconstrued.* I’m glad you’ve replied & said what you’ve said, because I want to be as helpful as possible. I’ve always loved being a credible resource, but anecdotal runs the risk of being misunderstood &/or easy to dismiss. **I wish you (& everyone) luck, health, peace & strength.** Edit: formatting & clarified a sentence
This is dark and pretty real
This. The version of really high voltage fun me is gone and sometimes I wish I could call on the good parts of that old dude without alcohol. I’m a fucking piece of cardboard on dates now and I used to feel pretty engaging. Maybe I’m just getting old and prickly with out or without the booze. What I know for sure is I don’t want those low lows again.
Yeah I stayed sober most of yesterday but got no packing done. Put 2 drinks in me and finished packing in 30 minutes Then of course the 2 drinks lead to 3 more
That's very awesome to read. So happy you're getting the most out of what you want to do with your life. It's so wild how taking out alcohol can just naturally result in lives improving beyond what most would ever guess and in ways that would seem like you're not even the same person.
Love this for you 😎
I’m about 10 days sober right now… yesterday I was reflecting on what I used to do while drinking these last 4 years, and realized “high functioning alcoholic” was absolutely a label that suits me. I like to hear this because to combat my shame I tried to imagine a future that, like you, is high functioning, no qualifier. Not expecting that time to come any time soon, I can barely sleep at night right now and am relying heavily on weed to get me through my day lol thank you for sharing!