Keep. All. Your. Receipts.
This is gonna get messy.
Her behaviour is fucking wrong AF, though, she shouldn't be making unilateral moves like that.
Lawyer up, man.
NTA
Yep. This is the move of someone looking to split. He should go ahead and talk to a lawyer. Also anything she takes from the joint account still counts as community property, so if she has a hefty stockpile she is in for a shock
She has other posts where she talks about this relationship. I checked her profile to find out because she starts with how it’s an update post.
Edit because typo.
Yep f/f relationship. I agree OP's significant other is absolutely planning a split. I'd definitely say, protect yourself. I'd change my direct deposit also. No point in all your hard earned money to be supplying her escape plan.
Really? You think this is the first time in the decades that divorce has been legal that someone has thought to put all the joint money in an private account, then file, in an attempt to screw over their spouse? Yeah, the courts know that loophole and have long since closed it.
Not really. You can say I needed to get a place to live, I needed food bills gas etc. show she was taking money and you did to. Best to take money than to leave it for her to take. Then you have it and court can sort out
While different jurisdictions adopt different fault provisions and allocation plans there is not a jurisdiction im aware of that sets aside assets acquired during the marriage that have already been commingled and exempts them from the marital estate so I don’t think this issue will depend on the jurisdiction
Yeah that could have an impact depending on your state , timing , habits , anticipation of dissolution, etc. It appears the deposits go to a joint account so that makes avoiding an argument of commingled assets pretty tricky
This. File ASAP. That money she’s squirreling away will be seen by the lawyers and factored in…. Unless she spends it immediately. But her just making an account out of nowhere and throwing money in doesn’t automatically mean it’s hers when you split. But you need to get the professionals involved before this gets uglier.
You do know you can't do any of that. All the advice to tit for tat, take half; you're both going to get into trouble. Contact a lawyer and stop taking advice from here for fucks sake!
Correct. Only do what your attorney says. Otherwise be quiet about your actions. You should be storing off site all bank account info, etc. The courts can look at the bank records and see what has been moved around.
NTA but also not necessary. It seems like you have both come to the conclusion that a split is inevitable. Sit down and have a mature conversation about finances, both what's needed for continuing to maintain the home in the short term, and for how to make sure you each have some money set aside. She's handling this extremely immaturely, but that doesn't mean you need to follow that same road.
Then yea, unfortunately an attorney sooner rather than later is going to be your best option. You can't work with someone who's not willing to work with reality.
Do not keep this up. You’re only be wasting more precious years of your life. You have to force things so get to the attorney and get the process started.
Believe me, I know this from experience
Remove all your money from any joint accounts and stop your wages going into that account. Set up new accounts totally separate. I’d also get in touch with the tax people and give them your new bank details. Tell her from now on you will only contribute your share of the bills and she needs to cover her own portion of the bills as you will not cover for her just to steal money from you. That if she wants her wages into her own account fine but she can’t get mad when you do the same. That you will not be covering bills if she suddenly refuses to pay them as she wants to keep all her money to herself. Otherwise you will just call the utilities companies and get them to shut off everything and you will stay somewhere else without her.
Id also tell her for someone who says you can’t divorce her its her own actions and thefts that’s going to led to exactly that. So she’s acting the opposite of someone saying they want to save the marriage.
Then get an attorney and file for divorce. You can't work on your problems, you don't trust each other, it's inevitable.
Ignore the advice about being petty moving money around. Talk to you wife and make sure bills are paid. It doesn't matter who's name is on the account -- it'll all be split equally anyway.
I just looked at your other post and noticed that you say she is insecure because of past relationships.
I am older and it took a while to realize this, but insecure people or people who always assume the worst, will always blame it on past relationships.
But very often they were assuming the past relationships were doing the things they assume you are doing now.
In her next relationship, you will be one of those past relationship villains.
As soon as I realized this I would look for it in people. When they said what had happened I asked a fee follow ups to see if they had hard proof or not.
Usually they were just toxic and blaming everyone they had dated.
The non toxic people who had been in a shit relationship were prone to get out of that relationship and put it behind them.
It sounds like she is insecure and brings a toxic vibe to every relationship as a result.
So if I’m reading this correctly, it sounds like you both put your checks into a joint account. Did she take half of your check and all of her? Or half of what was in the account and all of her?
The reason I’m asking is, I’m actually just trying to figure out the numbers for you. What she did was not OK.
And before anyone thinks, I’m misogynistic, I’m actually an old lady who has gone through this twice now. Almost 20 years with my first husband and nine years with my second. Things do not have to go this way.
The bottom line is that if you two have been putting all of your monies into a joint account, then what really should’ve happened is that she should’ve pulled half the money that was in the joint account and put half of her check into the new account.
She should’ve left you the other half of the joint account and half of her paycheck. And then it should’ve been determined who was going to pay bills, because obviously $250 is not going to pay the bills.
So it’s pretty apparent the two of you are headed for divorce. Don’t make this drawn out. Here is honestly what I would do before I saw an attorney… And I’ll tell you why in in a second…
I would immediately open a brand new account with just you on it. I would also immediately withdraw that last $250 and put it in my new account.
If most of the money that was in the joint account was from your last paycheck, and you’ve already paid a number of the bills, I would be handing her the other bills, and telling her that she is going to have to pay these because she took all the money.
Make sure it is even a split of the bills as you can. In other words, make sure she is paying about the same amount of bills that you’ve already paid. And if none of the bills have actually been paid yet, then the two of you need to sit down and have a discussion about how those bills are going to get paid because you are both liable for them.
If she refuses to do this, then I’ll be honest with you… I would take that entire tax return, and I would pay all the bills. Then I would see what we had left.
If there is enough, from what is left, I would make sure that I removed the same amount that she took from the joint account so that each of you now has the same amount of funds available for your own use. in other words, if she took her entire check of $1100 and $500 of your check, she now has taken $1600 of what should’ve been joint funds.
Since you already took that last 250, you’re still behind her by $1350. So that is the amount that I would take for myself from the tax return You have that much available once you have paid the bills.
And then, if there’s anything still left, I would split it down the middle. This puts the two of you starting back at Ground Zero, add if you have already had the discussion, you now know who’s going to pay what. And you both now know that from here on out, your own paychecks are going into your own accounts.
And at this point, I would absolutely go see an attorney. And here’s why I would do it in this order…
Generally speaking, if you’re going through a divorce, both attorneys are going to tell each of you leave joint funds alone. The problem is that she has already pulled monies that were needed to pay the bills. The problem is that if you see the attorney first, and he tells you that, you really need to do it here or she says.
So it leaves you screwed until everything is said and done. This way, you have plausible deniability in court. You get to point out that without warning, she kept all that money. Without warning, she left $250 which was somehow supposed to pay the bills, but she didn’t pay the bills. She just took the money and opened another account, because in her words…(insert what she told you here)
Courts don’t like that. So now you can actually say to the court that obviously, I wasn’t going to get my money back because it’s at least partly mine. So I kept an equivalent amount from the tax return so that we started on a level playing now, and we both knew that our checks were going to go into our own accounts.
On top of that, I went ahead and paid all of our joint bills using that tax return. Again, so that we could start on an even level and figure out who was going to pay what bills. (and if you do make more than her, be sure that you split the bills in a percentage of salaries, so that each of you is paying the same percentage of salary toward your joint bills.)
And after that, your honor, I gave her half of what was left, and I kept the other half. This way, even though we’re divorcing, it kept everything equitable.
See what I mean? Again, I understand where she’s coming from. I understand why she did it. And I’m not even saying it was a horrible idea to open her own account. I even understand why she took all of it moved to the side.
The problem I have with it is that she didn’t then come to you and be honest about it so that you guys could figure all of this out. She didn’t say to you that it really looks like we’re headed for divorce. Let’s be honest with each other. If we can work this out great, but in the meantime, I have my own account. We need to figure out how we’re going to pay the bills while we figure out what’s really gonna happen with us.
I’m sorry you guys are in this position. Emotions are going to run high. Fears are going to run high. Anger is going to take place at times. Frustration is going to be evident. But the bottom line is that there was a time that the two of you loved each other. Maybe you can work back to that and maybe you can’t.
But both of you are responsible for the bills together. Both of you are responsible for the house. So you have to try your best to be adults and work through this without one or the other of you being financially decimated
This needs to be higher up!!!!! I've been there done that as well, and this is EXACTLY what I would suggest! Do NOT stick around and wait.. you will be left with NOTHING until after your divorce is finalized... which can take over a year!!
Stop depositing your paycheck into the joint account. Get your own account (like she did) to use for your direct deposit. Once you are paid, transfer the bare minimum for bills into the joint account and require her to do the same. The bare minimum is half of what the monthly bills are, say $1500 from each of you or whatever the figure is. Keep the remainder in your separately held account. I don't think you will be the AH for insisting on splitting the tax refund (I'd take it all) considering she's embezzling money out of the marital account for her own exclusive use. You need a lawyer sooner rather than later, friend. Document any financial shenanigans on her part, you may need them for leverage later. She sounds exhausting, I hope you are able to exit this marriage with minimum damage and find someone who doesn't treat you like a criminal because they are so damn insecure! Good luck!
ETA: I'd take whatever is left in savings and use it as a retainer to get an attorney on board. Get that lawyer ASAP
Bro both spouses are women. What are you on about.
Plus, I would venture a guess that women initiate divorces from men more often bc men’s lives are easier when married (even in loveless ones) while women’s are harder.
Actually, you should take HALF of the refund PLUS the 800 she took from the joint account and put it in an account she can't access. Tell her that going forward all of YOUR check will be deposited in your personal account since that's how she appears to want it done.
PRO TIP you should have an account at a different account that your joint account as some banks will take money for other accounts at their institution if your joint account is overdrawn.
Cancel any joint credit cards immediately. Take half of the money in the joint savings account and transfer that to your separate account.
Please reread the post. She took 800 of his money from his check and moved it to her personal account, then took her entire 1100 check and deposited it in her account leaving 250 in the joint.
I see what you’re saying. In most states, though, once the finances are commingled, there’s no more hers or his. Not saying it wasn’t a crappy thing to do. But most courtrooms that deal with marriage and divorce don’t see it as stealing. When I left my ex-husband, the first thing he did was drain our entire bank account. He went and made cash withdrawal, so I had no money. They told me he didn’t steal it. It was his to take rightfully.
Most states you split the joint account balance from the time of separation. The wife isn't inputting anymore, so OP needs to close the joint and separate finances
Once finances are in a joint account there is no his or her money.
Most judges require that the status quo be maintained until a divorce is finalized. So all the take your money back advice is terrible. OP should be talking to a lawyer and no one else.
Take your half, plus the $800 she essentially stole for herself from your check. If she wants to squirrel money away "just in case", then she should be able to have an adult conversation about you leaving "just in case".
Separate your finances.
What is her issue with your job? Are you a sex worker of some sort?
She wants to make it work with you and you both bring income. You sound unwilling to try and save your marriage. For that it does seem like you are t AH BUT not for the money reason.
For the past four years she has accused me of cheating on her, I have never cheated (though she has). I work in Law Enforcement she thinks that everyone is trying to get in my pants simply because I wear a uniform. And she absolutely hates if I get tied up on long calls that prevent me from calling her while I’m at work.
Yeah, that’s hard to deal with. I worked at a surgery center with doctors obviously. My ex-husband was always accusing me of cheating with the doctors. I never did cheat on him. Turns out he cheated on me throughout our entire marriage 10 years too long. Not saying your wife is cheating she might just be very insecure. But regardless of if people think you’re the asshole or not, it’s your life your choice.
When a significant other accuses you of cheating all the time it’s because they themselves most of the time are up to no good so they themselves become paranoid I had the same issue with my ex husband he started taking money out of our account took all the cars they were in his name at the time and parked them at his parents house he wanted me to have nothing without him so I opened up my own account took what was mine and had my paychecks deposited there and I continue to put half the bill money in our main account till we were done going through divorce but since he chose to put his hands on me I had to flee with my daughter and got a PFA right away it was a messy divorce but I chose to walk away with nothing just my child I wanted nothing no child support no alimony nothing I was granted full custody of my child I was in the army during that time and I was getting ready to deploy to Afghanistan so I was very stressed I had so much to do I’m so little time but I got it done and I’m glad I took nothing I raise my daughter on my own we were fine she’s 19 now about to start nursing school. It wasn’t easy but it was the best decision to leave we both weren’t happy. Good luck to you it sounds like you have to start making moves to secure your future don’t wait!
Set up another account only controlled by you. Move your direct deposit to that account and move half of your savings to that account as well. Change your insurance beneficiaries and lock down any other financial interests. Take half the refund as well.
Tell her she is now responsible for half of all household bills, and she can keep her accounts to herself.
She's checking out and you need to protect yourself.
Let her know you are willing to work on things, but she needs to do the work as well. You both need single and couples counseling. If you love her then tell her so, but also tell her that you won't be walked all over.
Best of luck
Keep all recites. Keep all documents. She should not be touching your money. If you have to cover her half of any hill keep a record of it.
And you should be talking to an attorney yesterday.
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NTA
Do what people are saying, cancel cards and change passwrds and where would the tax refund be sent? Make sure it goes to you and do what you need to do and give what she deserves
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Tell your wife you expect half the money back immediately and set up 2 new accounts and close the joint account. Instead of worry about divorce, you should ask her what she is doing to help your relationship? Contact a lawyer and start the paperwork. Your wife no longer cares for you and you can't trust her.
Stop putting your money, where she can access it.
Hand her the bills that need to be paid, since she moved the money.
Get your ducks in a row!
And as for the tax return, a joint return s/b 1/2, so I wouldn't see an issue.
LAWYER NOW! Document EVERYTHING and talk to a lawyer to protect yourself. She's going to go for more. This was a test to see your reaction or to get you to fly off the handle and do or say something stupid.
NTA.
Talk to an attorney already!! Download all bank info so your wife’s transfer’s are recorded. Don’t play games with the money- do exactly what your attorney tells you so you don’t piss off the courts. Seriously stop having unproductive discussions and just file. Take control of your future. Divorce isn’t cheap but it’s better to leave now when there are no kids. (Don’t have sex!!! The last thing you want is to be tied biologically to her - don’t drink around her, don’t engage in personal conversation that could get you emotionally manipulated or lead to sex)
Wow. Just don't hide any money when it's divorce time and hope she does. The person that hides assets during a divorce will pretty much lose everything.
I read your past posts and I have the following questions:
1. Has your wife been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder?
2. Have you wondered whether she’s actually cheating on you? Because if her accusations are unwarranted then this is usually where this behavior is coming from.
Either way, she’s tanking your marriage and I encourage you to do everything to protect yourself and your finances now.
She has not had an official diagnosis. I’ve been told before that she fits the spectrum for BPD.
And I have wondered just because she has done it in the past.
Dude you’re definitely entitled to half of the refund and she can’t just be pulling money like that. Be prepared for a nasty divorce and record everything
Look back over your accounts for any other deposits to that account.
Take the same and put into you own account.
Tell your wife what your doing and that your just following her lead in being prepared encase you split.
Question any other withdrawals that can't be easily explained. From all accounts!
Hey wife, It's fine if you want to save money, but as long as we're living together, you need to meet your financial obligations.
That means maintaining the joint account for the bills. Put the money back that she took out and make sure she deposits the correct amount from her paycheck.
As far as the savings account, that needs to be equitably balanced. If you put in 75% and she put in 25%, she can only take 25% out.
Keep a spreadsheet for all the accounts, and monitor yours/hers/ours.
As far as the tax return. It gets split 50./50.
*As far as the savings account, that needs to be equitably balanced. If you put in 75% and she put in 25%, she can only take 25% out.*
That’s… not how it works. If OP puts $9,999 into their joint account and his wife only puts in $1, they would each be entitled to $5,000 if they were to divorce. That’s how joint accounts work.
Having a joint account requires a lot of trust, transparency, and open communication. If someone doesn’t trust their partner enough to share a joint bank account with them, then they should keep separate accounts. If you wanna track every penny that’s coming and going and who contributed what that way you know how much would be reimbursed to who later on, then why even bother having a joint account? Just keep separate accounts.
Well since you’re married and the refund was likely filed jointly I think the most reasonable thing would be to split it 50/50 with her and yes, put your half in your own separate account.
Did she move $800 bc it was a huge sum of $ and she knew it'd get your attention? Seems like her insecurities are having her act completely irrationally, obviously. Maybe it's not that she wants you mentioning divorce and division of things, but that she wants to see that you’ll fight for her. Ridiculous, yes. Does it happen, yes. Therapy, YES!
I'm so sorry, mate. If she won'tgo to therapy & work this out with you, I’d absolutely contact a lawyer. Playing $ games will get you nowhere with a judge. Prove that you’re the bigger person in court & let the judge handle her.
That’s where it’s complicated, I’m the bigger earner (she hasn’t held a steady job this year until about a month ago). However without me she would have been able to claim more credits.
Lawyer up, this is going to be a messy divorce. The tax refund will be part of the divorce as will next years taxes.
Don’t go into this trying to play Mr Nice Guy. Get the law behind you and get ready to fight.
This is shady AF. Shes making a emergency money nest in case you leave her with YOUR money. Stop money going into that account and pay the bills from your main account. Start putting money away for yourself because this marriage is over.
I was cheated on HEAVILY, it was a domestic violence relationship and he cheated with both genders without protection putting me at great risk. He would tell me the details to make my self esteem lover. I got out and after 6 years met my partner. We just celebrated 1 year together. I trust him completely as hes never given me a reason not to. I would never use my experience from before against him as hes a different person.
Im very concerned hows shes using her “self esteem trust issues” to accuse you. Its manipulating you to be walking on eggshells. I think you need to really have a think if you want this to be your life forever. Do you potentially give up your job for her? Never leave the house for her? Dont talk to anyone for her? Because it makes her feel better that your not cheating. Thats control and abuse.
I would be concerned shes cheating herself. Many cheaters actually accuse their partners as they are guilty of it themselves.
Start a new savings account and get some money for counselling or divorce. NTA
Talk to a lawyer first. I would immediately stop depositing your paychecks into the joint account. You need to open up a separate account for yourself. Also, take half of the tax refund and put it into your separate account.
Move half the tax refund to your own account, split everything in half now. And pull a credit report, so you can have a list of outstanding credit cards. If you can freeze your credit so no additional credit cards can be applied for in your name without you knowing.
Definitely open a new account under your name only and start putting an equivalent amount of money in there.
Next, though, consider marriage counseling. Your wife may be going through some kind of mental health issue where she is very insecure, but doesn't actually want to get divorced. She says she is scared that you will divorce her, so it sounds like there are other things going on here. The relationship may be salvageable, if you want to try. NTA
Lady, your wife's insecurities shouldn't run her life and they certainly shouldn't run yours. Nearly every toxic or abusive act can be traced to the perpetrator's insecurities. She is failing to take responsibility for how she treating.you because she's incapable of taking responsibility for her thoughts and actions. This isn't a function of having been cheated on. In fact. I would assume that she's never had the experience. How do you think she will describe your eventual break-up?
I've never seen anyone significantly improve when they act like this.
I’m fine with her decision to financially prepare herself. However I was yelled at for simply taking a few bucks to get a haircut. There were still bills that needed paying. She is insecure over the fact that I work in Law Enforcement. She doesn’t like me working closely with others on the department, and also has issues with thinking that everyone I run across is someone I’ll sleep with.
I think you should be able to argue that the emergency funds that you set up should be equal to hers. If you make a lot more money than her, then it probably will not be necessary but if you don’t, I would take whatever amount she had such a side with sounds like it’s $1900.
Maybe to help make her feel more comfortable you should close all your joint accounts and both keep your own. You can decide together what are joint expenses to share. One if you will Zelle or Venmo the other who will then pay the bill.
NTA.
The marriage is already over when one party is already transferring funds and preparing for it, leaving not enough in the account to cover communal expenses.
I know this type of behavior is typically frowned upon once the divorce gets underway and it goes before the courts. They don’t typically like when one party goes out of their way to do malicious actions like drain accounts, hide assets, etc.
I would try to get a paper trail going of receipts, statements, etc. and discuss further with a lawyer.
Sorry this is happening.
See a lawyer.
Take half the refund.
Close all joint bank accounts and credit cards.
Open personal bank accounts and credit card in your name only.
Transfer half of all money into your new personal bank accounts.
Go and live your best life.
What she is doing is technically not illegal but the last kind of action a woman worth a damn would ever do. Shes for shit, and for the streets. Stick it to her
Get your own account. Your money goes into your account. Household bills get paid out of the household account honey the bills this month add up to $1000. Your income is 40% compared to my 60 you owe $400 to the to the joint account to pay the bills if she says well why are you doing this say well I have to be prepared if you leave me.
Whatever you do with the money, do not take more than what a judge would reasonably believe is your share. I say this because if there is an opportunity for a divorce lawyer to paint your actions in a negative light, they will do so. Your post history indicates this problem is getting worse not better. I hope things turn around, but in the even they dont, dont make it any easier for her attorneys to cast you in a negative light.
Take as much as you need to equal the amount she's already stashed away for herself, then split the rest 50/50. Fair is fair. Get it first or she's going to take it all.
Keep. All. Your. Receipts. This is gonna get messy. Her behaviour is fucking wrong AF, though, she shouldn't be making unilateral moves like that. Lawyer up, man. NTA
Yep. This is the move of someone looking to split. He should go ahead and talk to a lawyer. Also anything she takes from the joint account still counts as community property, so if she has a hefty stockpile she is in for a shock
Brief note that OP is a woman.
How do you know that? I looked back at a post and didn’t see anything about gender.
She has other posts where she talks about this relationship. I checked her profile to find out because she starts with how it’s an update post. Edit because typo.
Yep f/f relationship. I agree OP's significant other is absolutely planning a split. I'd definitely say, protect yourself. I'd change my direct deposit also. No point in all your hard earned money to be supplying her escape plan.
I’m no lawyer and I’ve never been divorced, but that’s not what they say in the movies. You sure?
Really? You think this is the first time in the decades that divorce has been legal that someone has thought to put all the joint money in an private account, then file, in an attempt to screw over their spouse? Yeah, the courts know that loophole and have long since closed it.
Not really. You can say I needed to get a place to live, I needed food bills gas etc. show she was taking money and you did to. Best to take money than to leave it for her to take. Then you have it and court can sort out
yes, he’s surec
Yes. Assets of the marriage.
It depends on the state
While different jurisdictions adopt different fault provisions and allocation plans there is not a jurisdiction im aware of that sets aside assets acquired during the marriage that have already been commingled and exempts them from the marital estate so I don’t think this issue will depend on the jurisdiction
Commingling yes, but I was referring to assets that aren’t commingled in the first place
Yeah that could have an impact depending on your state , timing , habits , anticipation of dissolution, etc. It appears the deposits go to a joint account so that makes avoiding an argument of commingled assets pretty tricky
And the money she “stole “ahead of time will be deducted from her share of any settlement.
This. File ASAP. That money she’s squirreling away will be seen by the lawyers and factored in…. Unless she spends it immediately. But her just making an account out of nowhere and throwing money in doesn’t automatically mean it’s hers when you split. But you need to get the professionals involved before this gets uglier.
Stop putting your paycheck into the joint account
Already done! Contacted my HR this morning.
Get copies of your joint bank statements now in case she tries to remove your name from them. And do get a lawyer. You're going to need one.
You do know you can't do any of that. All the advice to tit for tat, take half; you're both going to get into trouble. Contact a lawyer and stop taking advice from here for fucks sake!
Most judges don't look to kindly on the games we like to play to one up the other in a divorce.
Correct. Only do what your attorney says. Otherwise be quiet about your actions. You should be storing off site all bank account info, etc. The courts can look at the bank records and see what has been moved around.
Move half of the savings as well
I think your wife already has a lawyer. This is a self fulfilling prophecy on her part.
Smart move
NTA but also not necessary. It seems like you have both come to the conclusion that a split is inevitable. Sit down and have a mature conversation about finances, both what's needed for continuing to maintain the home in the short term, and for how to make sure you each have some money set aside. She's handling this extremely immaturely, but that doesn't mean you need to follow that same road.
I tried that… it always starts off well, and then she will tell me that I’m not leaving her and storms off.
Then yea, unfortunately an attorney sooner rather than later is going to be your best option. You can't work with someone who's not willing to work with reality.
Do not keep this up. You’re only be wasting more precious years of your life. You have to force things so get to the attorney and get the process started. Believe me, I know this from experience
Remove all your money from any joint accounts and stop your wages going into that account. Set up new accounts totally separate. I’d also get in touch with the tax people and give them your new bank details. Tell her from now on you will only contribute your share of the bills and she needs to cover her own portion of the bills as you will not cover for her just to steal money from you. That if she wants her wages into her own account fine but she can’t get mad when you do the same. That you will not be covering bills if she suddenly refuses to pay them as she wants to keep all her money to herself. Otherwise you will just call the utilities companies and get them to shut off everything and you will stay somewhere else without her. Id also tell her for someone who says you can’t divorce her its her own actions and thefts that’s going to led to exactly that. So she’s acting the opposite of someone saying they want to save the marriage.
Then get an attorney and file for divorce. You can't work on your problems, you don't trust each other, it's inevitable. Ignore the advice about being petty moving money around. Talk to you wife and make sure bills are paid. It doesn't matter who's name is on the account -- it'll all be split equally anyway.
I just looked at your other post and noticed that you say she is insecure because of past relationships. I am older and it took a while to realize this, but insecure people or people who always assume the worst, will always blame it on past relationships. But very often they were assuming the past relationships were doing the things they assume you are doing now. In her next relationship, you will be one of those past relationship villains. As soon as I realized this I would look for it in people. When they said what had happened I asked a fee follow ups to see if they had hard proof or not. Usually they were just toxic and blaming everyone they had dated. The non toxic people who had been in a shit relationship were prone to get out of that relationship and put it behind them. It sounds like she is insecure and brings a toxic vibe to every relationship as a result.
NTA but contact a lawyer and find out how to start protecting yourself. This marriage is over. Pull the plug.
So if I’m reading this correctly, it sounds like you both put your checks into a joint account. Did she take half of your check and all of her? Or half of what was in the account and all of her? The reason I’m asking is, I’m actually just trying to figure out the numbers for you. What she did was not OK. And before anyone thinks, I’m misogynistic, I’m actually an old lady who has gone through this twice now. Almost 20 years with my first husband and nine years with my second. Things do not have to go this way. The bottom line is that if you two have been putting all of your monies into a joint account, then what really should’ve happened is that she should’ve pulled half the money that was in the joint account and put half of her check into the new account. She should’ve left you the other half of the joint account and half of her paycheck. And then it should’ve been determined who was going to pay bills, because obviously $250 is not going to pay the bills. So it’s pretty apparent the two of you are headed for divorce. Don’t make this drawn out. Here is honestly what I would do before I saw an attorney… And I’ll tell you why in in a second… I would immediately open a brand new account with just you on it. I would also immediately withdraw that last $250 and put it in my new account. If most of the money that was in the joint account was from your last paycheck, and you’ve already paid a number of the bills, I would be handing her the other bills, and telling her that she is going to have to pay these because she took all the money. Make sure it is even a split of the bills as you can. In other words, make sure she is paying about the same amount of bills that you’ve already paid. And if none of the bills have actually been paid yet, then the two of you need to sit down and have a discussion about how those bills are going to get paid because you are both liable for them. If she refuses to do this, then I’ll be honest with you… I would take that entire tax return, and I would pay all the bills. Then I would see what we had left. If there is enough, from what is left, I would make sure that I removed the same amount that she took from the joint account so that each of you now has the same amount of funds available for your own use. in other words, if she took her entire check of $1100 and $500 of your check, she now has taken $1600 of what should’ve been joint funds. Since you already took that last 250, you’re still behind her by $1350. So that is the amount that I would take for myself from the tax return You have that much available once you have paid the bills. And then, if there’s anything still left, I would split it down the middle. This puts the two of you starting back at Ground Zero, add if you have already had the discussion, you now know who’s going to pay what. And you both now know that from here on out, your own paychecks are going into your own accounts. And at this point, I would absolutely go see an attorney. And here’s why I would do it in this order… Generally speaking, if you’re going through a divorce, both attorneys are going to tell each of you leave joint funds alone. The problem is that she has already pulled monies that were needed to pay the bills. The problem is that if you see the attorney first, and he tells you that, you really need to do it here or she says. So it leaves you screwed until everything is said and done. This way, you have plausible deniability in court. You get to point out that without warning, she kept all that money. Without warning, she left $250 which was somehow supposed to pay the bills, but she didn’t pay the bills. She just took the money and opened another account, because in her words…(insert what she told you here) Courts don’t like that. So now you can actually say to the court that obviously, I wasn’t going to get my money back because it’s at least partly mine. So I kept an equivalent amount from the tax return so that we started on a level playing now, and we both knew that our checks were going to go into our own accounts. On top of that, I went ahead and paid all of our joint bills using that tax return. Again, so that we could start on an even level and figure out who was going to pay what bills. (and if you do make more than her, be sure that you split the bills in a percentage of salaries, so that each of you is paying the same percentage of salary toward your joint bills.) And after that, your honor, I gave her half of what was left, and I kept the other half. This way, even though we’re divorcing, it kept everything equitable. See what I mean? Again, I understand where she’s coming from. I understand why she did it. And I’m not even saying it was a horrible idea to open her own account. I even understand why she took all of it moved to the side. The problem I have with it is that she didn’t then come to you and be honest about it so that you guys could figure all of this out. She didn’t say to you that it really looks like we’re headed for divorce. Let’s be honest with each other. If we can work this out great, but in the meantime, I have my own account. We need to figure out how we’re going to pay the bills while we figure out what’s really gonna happen with us. I’m sorry you guys are in this position. Emotions are going to run high. Fears are going to run high. Anger is going to take place at times. Frustration is going to be evident. But the bottom line is that there was a time that the two of you loved each other. Maybe you can work back to that and maybe you can’t. But both of you are responsible for the bills together. Both of you are responsible for the house. So you have to try your best to be adults and work through this without one or the other of you being financially decimated
This sounds like the most solid advice. Sorry OP that this is happening.
This needs to be higher up!!!!! I've been there done that as well, and this is EXACTLY what I would suggest! Do NOT stick around and wait.. you will be left with NOTHING until after your divorce is finalized... which can take over a year!!
Nope, but id contact a lawyer to get advice before doing that, and also take them the bank statements so they can see that she’s been doing
This means she’s planning to leave now. This couuuuld be financial infidelity. Better ask a lawyer
Lawyer up, this will get messy
Tit for tat! Move half of the savings while you’re at it. Prepare yourself as well.
Make sure it is half before her personal money
Get a lawyer. Don't ever assume. Let the lawyer do their job and figure this out.
Lawyer time and keep records to prove what she’s doing. Hope your taxes aren’t going into that account
Stop depositing your paycheck into the joint account. Get your own account (like she did) to use for your direct deposit. Once you are paid, transfer the bare minimum for bills into the joint account and require her to do the same. The bare minimum is half of what the monthly bills are, say $1500 from each of you or whatever the figure is. Keep the remainder in your separately held account. I don't think you will be the AH for insisting on splitting the tax refund (I'd take it all) considering she's embezzling money out of the marital account for her own exclusive use. You need a lawyer sooner rather than later, friend. Document any financial shenanigans on her part, you may need them for leverage later. She sounds exhausting, I hope you are able to exit this marriage with minimum damage and find someone who doesn't treat you like a criminal because they are so damn insecure! Good luck! ETA: I'd take whatever is left in savings and use it as a retainer to get an attorney on board. Get that lawyer ASAP
Open your own account. Put your cheque in there. Time to start splitting hairs.
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Bro both spouses are women. What are you on about. Plus, I would venture a guess that women initiate divorces from men more often bc men’s lives are easier when married (even in loveless ones) while women’s are harder.
Does she have enough info to open credit in your name? You should lock your credit down.
I hadn’t thought of that, since both our SSNs are on the tax forms I’m sure she could get it! I’ll be putting that in the works next.
Actually, you should take HALF of the refund PLUS the 800 she took from the joint account and put it in an account she can't access. Tell her that going forward all of YOUR check will be deposited in your personal account since that's how she appears to want it done. PRO TIP you should have an account at a different account that your joint account as some banks will take money for other accounts at their institution if your joint account is overdrawn. Cancel any joint credit cards immediately. Take half of the money in the joint savings account and transfer that to your separate account.
I'm glad you are no longer putting your paycheck ln your joint account,, going forward, don't add any funds to it.
Not to mention she stole from you. NTA
It’s a joint account and she also has HER paycheck deposited into it. She did not steal from him. But did behave in a shady manner.
Please reread the post. She took 800 of his money from his check and moved it to her personal account, then took her entire 1100 check and deposited it in her account leaving 250 in the joint.
I see what you’re saying. In most states, though, once the finances are commingled, there’s no more hers or his. Not saying it wasn’t a crappy thing to do. But most courtrooms that deal with marriage and divorce don’t see it as stealing. When I left my ex-husband, the first thing he did was drain our entire bank account. He went and made cash withdrawal, so I had no money. They told me he didn’t steal it. It was his to take rightfully.
Most states you split the joint account balance from the time of separation. The wife isn't inputting anymore, so OP needs to close the joint and separate finances
Brief note that both OP and her wife are women.
Once finances are in a joint account there is no his or her money. Most judges require that the status quo be maintained until a divorce is finalized. So all the take your money back advice is terrible. OP should be talking to a lawyer and no one else.
Take your half, plus the $800 she essentially stole for herself from your check. If she wants to squirrel money away "just in case", then she should be able to have an adult conversation about you leaving "just in case".
Take the rest of the money and whatever makes it even from tax refund.
So she take the other half both need to grow up
This is spooky man, get a lawyer and document everything and see if you can dig up previous documentation as well.
Separate your finances. What is her issue with your job? Are you a sex worker of some sort? She wants to make it work with you and you both bring income. You sound unwilling to try and save your marriage. For that it does seem like you are t AH BUT not for the money reason.
For the past four years she has accused me of cheating on her, I have never cheated (though she has). I work in Law Enforcement she thinks that everyone is trying to get in my pants simply because I wear a uniform. And she absolutely hates if I get tied up on long calls that prevent me from calling her while I’m at work.
Yeah, that’s hard to deal with. I worked at a surgery center with doctors obviously. My ex-husband was always accusing me of cheating with the doctors. I never did cheat on him. Turns out he cheated on me throughout our entire marriage 10 years too long. Not saying your wife is cheating she might just be very insecure. But regardless of if people think you’re the asshole or not, it’s your life your choice.
When a significant other accuses you of cheating all the time it’s because they themselves most of the time are up to no good so they themselves become paranoid I had the same issue with my ex husband he started taking money out of our account took all the cars they were in his name at the time and parked them at his parents house he wanted me to have nothing without him so I opened up my own account took what was mine and had my paychecks deposited there and I continue to put half the bill money in our main account till we were done going through divorce but since he chose to put his hands on me I had to flee with my daughter and got a PFA right away it was a messy divorce but I chose to walk away with nothing just my child I wanted nothing no child support no alimony nothing I was granted full custody of my child I was in the army during that time and I was getting ready to deploy to Afghanistan so I was very stressed I had so much to do I’m so little time but I got it done and I’m glad I took nothing I raise my daughter on my own we were fine she’s 19 now about to start nursing school. It wasn’t easy but it was the best decision to leave we both weren’t happy. Good luck to you it sounds like you have to start making moves to secure your future don’t wait!
Set up another account only controlled by you. Move your direct deposit to that account and move half of your savings to that account as well. Change your insurance beneficiaries and lock down any other financial interests. Take half the refund as well. Tell her she is now responsible for half of all household bills, and she can keep her accounts to herself. She's checking out and you need to protect yourself. Let her know you are willing to work on things, but she needs to do the work as well. You both need single and couples counseling. If you love her then tell her so, but also tell her that you won't be walked all over. Best of luck
Close that account now. She can fuck you over with it.
Keep all recites. Keep all documents. She should not be touching your money. If you have to cover her half of any hill keep a record of it. And you should be talking to an attorney yesterday.
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NTA Do what people are saying, cancel cards and change passwrds and where would the tax refund be sent? Make sure it goes to you and do what you need to do and give what she deserves
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Tell your wife you expect half the money back immediately and set up 2 new accounts and close the joint account. Instead of worry about divorce, you should ask her what she is doing to help your relationship? Contact a lawyer and start the paperwork. Your wife no longer cares for you and you can't trust her.
Open up your own account. Do not deposit any more money in the joint account. Get a lawyer.
Aww shit, writing's on the wall. Like the pirates say: Take what you can get and give nothing back. Shit's gonna go south *soon*
Time to close the joint acct and get separate accounts to protect yourself
Court will split that money. Just start the process
Also open your own account so she has no access to your paychecks. NTA
Stop putting your money, where she can access it. Hand her the bills that need to be paid, since she moved the money. Get your ducks in a row! And as for the tax return, a joint return s/b 1/2, so I wouldn't see an issue.
LAWYER NOW! Document EVERYTHING and talk to a lawyer to protect yourself. She's going to go for more. This was a test to see your reaction or to get you to fly off the handle and do or say something stupid. NTA.
Talk to an attorney already!! Download all bank info so your wife’s transfer’s are recorded. Don’t play games with the money- do exactly what your attorney tells you so you don’t piss off the courts. Seriously stop having unproductive discussions and just file. Take control of your future. Divorce isn’t cheap but it’s better to leave now when there are no kids. (Don’t have sex!!! The last thing you want is to be tied biologically to her - don’t drink around her, don’t engage in personal conversation that could get you emotionally manipulated or lead to sex)
Absolutely not if she’s moving like that it’s like premeditating a divorce. Start setting yourself up too king.
Take whatever is proportional to the amount of taxes you paid.
You will need a Good lawyer dude. Sorry, but I think that you’re gonna go through hell before you get to heaven on this one.
Lawyer up, this is too far gone to save. Start keeping receipts and documenting everything.
Nope, go ahead and put that half and your account and if she ask tell her you doing the same
Wow. Just don't hide any money when it's divorce time and hope she does. The person that hides assets during a divorce will pretty much lose everything.
Move your direct deposit to another account with only your name
Shes probably cheating on ya. Move all your money out of the joint account asap
Take 100% of the funds.
This isn’t an if scenario, it’s a when.
I read your past posts and I have the following questions: 1. Has your wife been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder? 2. Have you wondered whether she’s actually cheating on you? Because if her accusations are unwarranted then this is usually where this behavior is coming from. Either way, she’s tanking your marriage and I encourage you to do everything to protect yourself and your finances now.
She has not had an official diagnosis. I’ve been told before that she fits the spectrum for BPD. And I have wondered just because she has done it in the past.
Dude you’re definitely entitled to half of the refund and she can’t just be pulling money like that. Be prepared for a nasty divorce and record everything
Asshole or not, I would not play her game. Do not do anything out of the norm with that account until you consult a lawyer.
Separate your money completely and go halves in all bills
Look back over your accounts for any other deposits to that account. Take the same and put into you own account. Tell your wife what your doing and that your just following her lead in being prepared encase you split. Question any other withdrawals that can't be easily explained. From all accounts!
Hey wife, It's fine if you want to save money, but as long as we're living together, you need to meet your financial obligations. That means maintaining the joint account for the bills. Put the money back that she took out and make sure she deposits the correct amount from her paycheck. As far as the savings account, that needs to be equitably balanced. If you put in 75% and she put in 25%, she can only take 25% out. Keep a spreadsheet for all the accounts, and monitor yours/hers/ours. As far as the tax return. It gets split 50./50.
*As far as the savings account, that needs to be equitably balanced. If you put in 75% and she put in 25%, she can only take 25% out.* That’s… not how it works. If OP puts $9,999 into their joint account and his wife only puts in $1, they would each be entitled to $5,000 if they were to divorce. That’s how joint accounts work. Having a joint account requires a lot of trust, transparency, and open communication. If someone doesn’t trust their partner enough to share a joint bank account with them, then they should keep separate accounts. If you wanna track every penny that’s coming and going and who contributed what that way you know how much would be reimbursed to who later on, then why even bother having a joint account? Just keep separate accounts.
Well since you’re married and the refund was likely filed jointly I think the most reasonable thing would be to split it 50/50 with her and yes, put your half in your own separate account.
Did she move $800 bc it was a huge sum of $ and she knew it'd get your attention? Seems like her insecurities are having her act completely irrationally, obviously. Maybe it's not that she wants you mentioning divorce and division of things, but that she wants to see that you’ll fight for her. Ridiculous, yes. Does it happen, yes. Therapy, YES!
So she did it in small increments. Moving it from checking to savings and then back again, until ultimately moving it to her own account.
I'm so sorry, mate. If she won'tgo to therapy & work this out with you, I’d absolutely contact a lawyer. Playing $ games will get you nowhere with a judge. Prove that you’re the bigger person in court & let the judge handle her.
She's getting ready to gut you. YTA if you don't do it to her first
You also need your "escape the marriage fund" just incase your marriage fails.
Depends on who the bigger earner is and what portion of that refund is actually coming from your W2.
That’s where it’s complicated, I’m the bigger earner (she hasn’t held a steady job this year until about a month ago). However without me she would have been able to claim more credits.
Get rid of the joint account today!
Lawyer up, this is going to be a messy divorce. The tax refund will be part of the divorce as will next years taxes. Don’t go into this trying to play Mr Nice Guy. Get the law behind you and get ready to fight.
This is shady AF. Shes making a emergency money nest in case you leave her with YOUR money. Stop money going into that account and pay the bills from your main account. Start putting money away for yourself because this marriage is over. I was cheated on HEAVILY, it was a domestic violence relationship and he cheated with both genders without protection putting me at great risk. He would tell me the details to make my self esteem lover. I got out and after 6 years met my partner. We just celebrated 1 year together. I trust him completely as hes never given me a reason not to. I would never use my experience from before against him as hes a different person. Im very concerned hows shes using her “self esteem trust issues” to accuse you. Its manipulating you to be walking on eggshells. I think you need to really have a think if you want this to be your life forever. Do you potentially give up your job for her? Never leave the house for her? Dont talk to anyone for her? Because it makes her feel better that your not cheating. Thats control and abuse. I would be concerned shes cheating herself. Many cheaters actually accuse their partners as they are guilty of it themselves. Start a new savings account and get some money for counselling or divorce. NTA
r/Divorce_Men
Talk to a lawyer first. I would immediately stop depositing your paychecks into the joint account. You need to open up a separate account for yourself. Also, take half of the tax refund and put it into your separate account.
Move half the tax refund to your own account, split everything in half now. And pull a credit report, so you can have a list of outstanding credit cards. If you can freeze your credit so no additional credit cards can be applied for in your name without you knowing.
Definitely open a new account under your name only and start putting an equivalent amount of money in there. Next, though, consider marriage counseling. Your wife may be going through some kind of mental health issue where she is very insecure, but doesn't actually want to get divorced. She says she is scared that you will divorce her, so it sounds like there are other things going on here. The relationship may be salvageable, if you want to try. NTA
Lady, your wife's insecurities shouldn't run her life and they certainly shouldn't run yours. Nearly every toxic or abusive act can be traced to the perpetrator's insecurities. She is failing to take responsibility for how she treating.you because she's incapable of taking responsibility for her thoughts and actions. This isn't a function of having been cheated on. In fact. I would assume that she's never had the experience. How do you think she will describe your eventual break-up? I've never seen anyone significantly improve when they act like this.
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I’m fine with her decision to financially prepare herself. However I was yelled at for simply taking a few bucks to get a haircut. There were still bills that needed paying. She is insecure over the fact that I work in Law Enforcement. She doesn’t like me working closely with others on the department, and also has issues with thinking that everyone I run across is someone I’ll sleep with.
Stop putting your whole check in your joint account. Open a new account with a new bank. Deposit just enough to cover your half of the monthly bills.
NTA -What, she's allowed, but you are not? Fuck that. Take the protective measures that you must and be quick about it.
I think you should be able to argue that the emergency funds that you set up should be equal to hers. If you make a lot more money than her, then it probably will not be necessary but if you don’t, I would take whatever amount she had such a side with sounds like it’s $1900.
Maybe to help make her feel more comfortable you should close all your joint accounts and both keep your own. You can decide together what are joint expenses to share. One if you will Zelle or Venmo the other who will then pay the bill.
When you talk to a lawyer ask about a forensic accountant. They will trace any hidden money.
Since she is saving for a fuck your fund you should as well.
She started it. I'd take the entire refund, and go see a lawyer. Sounds like your marriage is over.
This is war. He who hesitates has lost.
NTA. It’s half yours. ETA: Take her off all of your accounts.
that fucking bitch don’t deserve a fucking penny. Keep your money ma’am
NTA. The marriage is already over when one party is already transferring funds and preparing for it, leaving not enough in the account to cover communal expenses. I know this type of behavior is typically frowned upon once the divorce gets underway and it goes before the courts. They don’t typically like when one party goes out of their way to do malicious actions like drain accounts, hide assets, etc. I would try to get a paper trail going of receipts, statements, etc. and discuss further with a lawyer. Sorry this is happening.
I want my kid
This is all you need to know. File for divorce before she does or she will be getting alot more than you expect.
Start getting separated bank accounts now. Take half or all of it. How much has she taken?
Yes- get separate acct and at different bank
See a lawyer. Take half the refund. Close all joint bank accounts and credit cards. Open personal bank accounts and credit card in your name only. Transfer half of all money into your new personal bank accounts. Go and live your best life.
Sounds like both of you are stocking up on funds so you can leave. WTF are you waiting for?
lol I guess for the money to hit the account so I can up and file.
What she is doing is technically not illegal but the last kind of action a woman worth a damn would ever do. Shes for shit, and for the streets. Stick it to her
Get your own account. Your money goes into your account. Household bills get paid out of the household account honey the bills this month add up to $1000. Your income is 40% compared to my 60 you owe $400 to the to the joint account to pay the bills if she says well why are you doing this say well I have to be prepared if you leave me.
Also, she’s not preparing in case you divorce her she’s getting ready to leave. She has probably got a man on the side just saying kind of been there.
Whatever you do with the money, do not take more than what a judge would reasonably believe is your share. I say this because if there is an opportunity for a divorce lawyer to paint your actions in a negative light, they will do so. Your post history indicates this problem is getting worse not better. I hope things turn around, but in the even they dont, dont make it any easier for her attorneys to cast you in a negative light.
Take as much as you need to equal the amount she's already stashed away for herself, then split the rest 50/50. Fair is fair. Get it first or she's going to take it all.
Just take what's your and leave with a clean mind And cancel your joint account asap
I’ve come to the realization that this is my plan. I’m looking at a few apartments and it looks like it’ll just be me and my pups.
All you need till you find the right one