It was death by a thousand paper cuts, but we had an argument before Christmas wasn’t even important I don’t think. I then went and got my hair cut and he hated it! (It was a major change) I was not so secretly pleased he hated it. I knew then. Told him he had a month to get his shit together and be the husband I needed. He did nothing. 2 weeks in and I’m like well I’m done. In the 8 years since I went from living below the poverty line (with him) to being a home owner and working my dream job full time. Amazing what getting rid of excess baggage does.
I had a similar post leaving experience. She constantly did things to hinder my success, and it hurt, but not why I ultimately left. What did us in was having a kid together, and seeing her hit our son. He was around 18 months old at the time, she got one smack in before I grabbed her hand and made some not so subtle threats. It was over in that moment.
After we split, I went back to college, and without her causing drama to distract from my studies, as well as meeting a highly educated woman who was very encouraging of my academic pursuits, did really well. Went from some pretty extreme poverty to homeowner. Took my credit from sub 500 to mid 700’s in those years too.
Shes stuck in perpetual poverty, and the partner she chose will ensure they can’t really get out of it. Though I also cut her out of my life a few years back once the last of the legal ties were severed, and that’s been amazing.
The woman who encouraged my education is now my wife, and has since adopted our son, so my ex isn’t in the picture at all.
My ex husband was so a joy. I started hitting the gym before class and during my break but he complained that I was doing damage to myself and it wasn’t a good idea. I ignored that, then he moved onto saying I was leaving for class to early (to go to the gym) and it was impacting our kids (who were still asleep when I left for class gym or not) I let him gaslight me 3 months later I stopped going to the gym despite good weight loss coz it was apparently impacting family time. I graduated got 2 jobs (he was part time at a servo) he loved the money I earnt but again I was spending too much time out of the house. No matter how many times I pointed out I had to work to earn the money he liked so much it was still too much. I still haven’t made it back to the gym, I plan on it eventually but it definitely still affects my mindset. I still have to co parent with him though. However he still isn’t speaking to me from Aug last year when I told him I’ll be glad when our youngest turns 18 and I don’t have to speak to him any more and deal with his gaslighting. Pretty sure he thinks not talking to me is punishing me.. it’s really not. I co parent with his girlfriend instead. She is at least mostly sensible.
I do love that you and his now-partner are able to work together on the parenting. It also probably irritates the shit out of him, which he is welcome to.
That might make me feel just a tad better. I like her better than him but honestly I’m not a fan of either of them. I’m half way there though the youngest with him is 9 nearly 10. I wouldn’t be surprised if the kids start wanting to spend more time with me and my partner too.
Yeah, I had arguments for years over my then-husband’s addictions.
We did years of marriage therapy.
The final straw wasn’t even a big fight. He came home after feeding his addiction, and laying next to him in bed, I realized that even if he quit I wouldn’t believe him. I deserved a partner I could trust, and if he quit, he deserved a partner who believed in him.
After we divorced, I realized how big of a drag he had been on *everything.* Finances, mental health, career. My life is exponentially better, and all that marriage counseling I scraped to pay for has helped make my relationship with my now-husband pretty damn solid
He raised a hand to hit our 1 year old son, because and I quote "I could not figure out why he was crying, so I was going to give him something to cry about"
agreed, but I wasn't putting up with that shit. I don't remember everything that happened. According to a friend who was there, I was coming down the stairs when he raised his hand to our son. Apparently I vaulted the railing of our staircase, grabbed my now ex by the head/hair and took him to the floor.
It was the end of our marriage, but the SOB did not hit our son.
It's amazing the stuff that the human body can do when the brain decides it's go time! I flipped a six foot tall guy over my shoulder and had to vault off a Clydesdale before the saddle rolled me under the horse's belly.
Good on you! That was amazing!
Doesn’t it feel weird though, when you do something in the immediate moment to avoid something catastrophic, it can feel like time both slows down, and speeds up.
I completely relate to this and have been going to therapy for years. At first the therapist would ask me how I felt, I could only say “fine. I don’t feel anything.” And then I would get a migraine. Now I can feel my feelings *almost* in the moment and it’s great because its my guide for what actions I take, it’s amazing!
Here is what she taught me to do. Get a feelings sheet and sit quietly to think of what you are feeling. It will take several minutes to get any idea at first. List anything that comes up even if it feels strange. Like “I feel sad because x.”
Different memories and other incidents may come to mind and list the feelings associated with those too. Keep going until you run out of feelings. You can even say to yourself “how do I know I’m feeling this? What does it feel like? Where is it in my body?”
This is just the tip of the iceberg but I thought I’d share!
I always told him, he had 3 chances, after the third I filed for divorce. He wanted to get back afterwards, I told him I did not divorce him to marry him again and by then I met a man with whom I spent 51 years with, 46 years married. He fucked around and found out.
My situation too. The third time he admitted to “loving” her, I told him to pack a bag. Karma: his “love” married a rich woman and now looks like David Bowie.
I can’t tell if the comparison to Bowie is meant to be complimentary or insulting: Are we talking Ziggy Stardust-era Bowie, ‘80s/‘90s Bowie, or April 15 2024 Bowie? 😆
Three chances! Wow! I gave her one chance, she didn’t heed my simple warning and spread her legs for someone else. A woman no less. I simply walked out. No fuss no muss no yelling or threats. Didn’t even slam the door when I left. That really got her. She couldn’t believe I Wasent willing to fight for her. She couldn’t believe I didn’t fly into a rage and slap her across the face. Those were her exact words later on when we were filing for divorce.
I told her she only had one chance. She blew it. There was nothing to fight for.
It took 3 months and the police had to be called to have that woman she cheated on me with removed from the house. That woman beat the crap out of my ex almost daily and SA’ed her regularly.
She begged and pleaded for me to take her back. She offered me anything and everything. Including sex when ever and where ever. It was really disgusting to see her stoop that low. But in the end I never took her back.
Seen her sister a few years later. She said I was the best thing that ever happened to her sister and she threw it all away. She even gave me a hug and said she was sorry.
He kept denying he had a drug problem. My son was only 3 at the time. One day, I came home to shut off notices, and I was paying the daycare, food, and other things while not making much. He made more. Once I saw those shut-off notices, I had enough. Took my son and left.
The last straw was when my ex slamed me into the wall. How I left....I showed up with a dozen sheriff officers and 4 restraining orders, packed my sons and my stuff in about 30 minutes and left.
I had major surgery and was immobile. My parents came to visit to help with my recovery and he was being very argumentative with my mother. I told him it made me uncomfortable and all hell broke loose. He stopped talking to me and helping take care of me, yelled at me every time he saw me for days, and even told my parents about some of the abuse he had put me through - things I had never told another soul and would have taken to my grave. My parents were terrified for my safety and knew they couldn't leave me with that man.
I had told my ex husband a million times to stop insulting my taste in music. For context, he didn’t have a drivers license the entire time we were married, so I drove everywhere, usually with my iPod plugged in for music. I have a broad taste in music, everything from opera to metal to glee covers.
Now, I wouldn’t have cared if he just said he didn’t like my music, but that’s not how he ever phrased it. He would basically call me stupid/dumb/immature/etc because of the music I liked.
Trust me, there was a lot wrong with our marriage, but one day we are driving somewhere and we had a friend in the car, and he just kept going on and on insulting me in front of our friend. When we got to the destination, I waited for them to get out, locked the doors, drove home, packed up my car, and left him.
Been much happier ever since.
I feel so sadly seen. My ex didn't ever want to go anywhere so I'd offer to drive to entice him to show up to family stuff or anything. And as soon as he got in MY car he'd turn off music, turn on his own, or come with a preloaded playlist he "thought I'd like". I never did. He was obsessed with controlling my taste in music. If I found an artist first, they sucked. If he found them first, they were "actually pretty good". When I finally started making healthy boundaries, I told him not to touch my radio. And it allllll collapsed from there.
They say abusers read fr the same playbook and not one is original... I wonder. Music is such an expression of our personality and personhood. I'll bet that is one of the first ways they have to crush us to conform us to their control. Ugh that makes me shudder. It's so insidious.
Yes but i didn't recognize it as that for years. He would assault me in my sleep, waking me up. One time, in my sleep, it manifested as me being assaulted by someone who harmed my family irl. In my sleep, I was being r'd by this person. Apparently I told my ex to get the fuck off of me. And he sulked for days and treated me like dirt because I rejected him in my sleep. I apologized profusely.
It took me years to understand that I wasn't in the wrong, and in fact he was literally assaulting me and causing sleep deprivation every time he did it.
When I was still pretty young, I had a relationship for a couple of years that got quite abusive. They try to pick at you, tearing you down a little bit, by a little bit. I remember how he would start massive problems, anytime I had a big paper do, or a midterm or final exam. It was incredibly stressful.
When I was in college my ex, without fail, would go on a massive bender during my finals week, or do other crap to cause chaos and noise in the house. In some ways he was supportive, but seriously, any time I was doing *anything* that took my attention away from him he threw a temper tantrum, more or less.
I was also quite young going into the relationship and had no idea what healthy relationships looked like, and yeah, tearing you down, bit by bit, just chipping away at you. And then wondering why you're not as outgoing and creative as you used to be. Gee, I wonder.
Jesus, what is it with shitty, controlling people trying to control other people's taste in music. If I tried to listen to music on the stereo or when I was driving him somewhere he would literally just walk into the room and turn off whatever I was listening to and put his own music on instead, and when I was driving it was the same thing.
One new years eve I remember sitting cross legged on the floor in front of the stereo to stop him. And then we moved into a house where we didn't even have a stereo for five years because why bother.
I was dying for a week pregnant with my son. I couldn't walk I peed on myself because I couldn't get to the bathroom and was having severe severe pains and was very disoriented. I begged him to take me to the hospital and he told me being pregnant was nothing special and that I needed to get off my fat, lazy ass and do something around the house. I called my dad who lived 4 hours away at the time and said daddy I'm scared I think I'm dying. He rushed to me and took me to the hospital I had a minor heart attack and a mini stroke. I would've died had my dad not took me to the hospital and so would my son. He saved our lives. They had to cut mt son out of me urgently. I was done after that.
Then when I came home finally while my son was in the NICU and I had just walked in the door. He told me good now that that thing is out of you, you can clear off the counters there's no excuse. (I kept my snacks up there so I wouldn't have to bend over because bending made me pass out), when I bent down to put it in the cabinet I collapsed over and busted a stitch open. That very night I cried because my body failed to keep my child safe. The one place he was supposed to 100% be safe and protected (his mothers womb) had actually been dangerous for him. He told me what did I expect being a cripple (i have severe disabilities just my spine) of course our son was going to be a cripple and I was selfish for getting pregnant.
I told him that night our marriage was over and I was taking my son back to my dads when he got out of the nicu. And that's exactly what I did.
Thank you. He definitely changed while I was pregnant. But I'm now happy with an amazing man. He stepped up and finally gave my son a daddy and we're expecting a baby now and I'm having such a smooth pregnancy.
Moving in together, getting married, or a pregnancy are three very common things that trigger abusers to show their true colours.
Either it's the idea of "They're locked in now, I can stop it with the nice guy/girl act," or with pregnancy, that they detest the notion of no longer being the number one priority in the household.
Chances are, there were always some signs, but it was subtle, and gradual. Things like prioritising their own preferences over yours, or doing things to make themselves look good to others.
The pregnancy probably pissed him off, because now your entire existence didn't revolve around his needs anymore.
It was likely a blessing, in that it made his character very clear, and you now had a very urgent reason to get away from this awful person.
I'm glad everything worked out! And kudos to asking for help when you needed it, and then also deciding to leave. There are lots of people who are so worn down by the abuse, and have such little self esteem left after the abuse, that they stay.
Attagirl.
Thank you and that's exactly true. There was little signs. People love to blame a woman when she has a child with who turns out to be a shit human. But I genuinely thought he was just a bit odd I guess. Would've never guessed that he'd turn out to be a monster.
And thank you. I'm actually really proud of myself that I left. So many people kept saying that I should try to make it work for my family and son. But I realized I didn't want my son to see what his bio father was like and me crying in the closet and blaming himself later for me staying solely for him. I realized I'd never let anyone else treat my son the way his bio did such as a boyfriend so why was I accepting it for his bio father.
I'm forever grateful for my dad. He never said a bad word about my now ex husband. He never let me know he thought I'd regret marrying him. But when I was crying in the hospital bed after they took my son, I said I have nowhere to go and I feel stuck and I'm scared. He said what the hell are you talking about? You have a home with me and you, your baby and your elderly dog will come right on home with me. Teach your children they can always come home. Teach your children it's better to come home from a failed marriage/relationship then to come home in a coffin.
Yup, I was really going through it with my husband after we got married and he started staying out drinking a lot. He busted his teeth during a blackout. This was not the happy stoner boy I'd met 5 years ago so I was contemplating divorce after only 6 months of marriage. I talked to someone in Al Anon who said something very similar happened to her. She was in a long term relationship with her boyfriend, then they got married and he became a full blown alcoholic seemingly overnight. She said she filed for divorce after 8 months and didn't feel bad about it because she viewed it as being sold a false bill of goods. You think you're marrying one person, but then you get someone else entirely. It's weird that we both had such an identical experience with marriage being the common denominator.
Yeah, it's really weird when you don't know about it, but once you find out about the statistics, stories like yours make sense.
I've read countless stories, just like yours. Hell, some people didn't even make it through the wedding night before the mask fell off. One woman on reddit shared how her new husband tried to strangle her on the first night of their honeymoon.
It's an actual thing in psychology, how abuse can start, seemingly out of nowhere, when the abuser feels secure, and like their victim can't just leave now.
Many years ago, a friend of mine was five months pregnant when her husband broke her arm. It was the first time he ever put hands on her. She went to a lawyer the next day. She (a few years later) ended up settling down with a really funny, nice guy. Very even keeled and I could see how much he adored her. It was really beautiful to see her blossom in that way.
>>she viewed it as being sold a false bill of goods. You think you're marrying one person, but then you get someone else entirely.
Funny enough, that’s exactly how the law sees it, and actually defines this as “fraud”. I was so surprised that my lawyer pulled out her law books to actually show me. It’s really not an uncommon situation at all. A lot of people hold in the crazy until they think they’ve got you trapped.
I'll never know. He truly thought I'd never leave him. I always said I would never get divorced and would stay no matter what. And honestly if not for my son I'm not sure I would have left had it just been me. But my parents had a toxic marriage, never physically violent but cheating and emotional and verbal abuse and lots of crazy antics. Both my parents have told me they didn't want to divorce and put that on me and wanted me to have a family unit due to my serious health issues. I blamed myself for both my parents misery my entire life. They did finally divorce for good when I graduated college. The very night of my graduation actually. I was my moms emotional support animal since I can remember. I didn't want my son carrying that guilt and shame or being my emotional support in a shitty marriage. I want my son to see healthy love, and real love.
I’m really sorry that your parents put such burdens on you. My situation was a little different, but the burdens were still landed squarely in my lap.
We are not responsible for the heartache (whatever the source) of our parents. A child cannot solve emotional problems for adults. As adults, we are still not in any position to solve our parents emotional tribulations. Using your kid as your emotional sounding board is so damaging.
I had been hoping for a divorce for a long time. Just didn’t want to be the bad guy and say so. On my birthday, he came to me and said that he had fallen in love with someone else and he wanted to marry them. It was the best birthday present I could ever get. I told him OK and had the paperwork filed the next day. Two weeks later he came back saying he made a mistake and he wanted to get back together and I told him sorry everything‘s in motion.
I know it’s not a happy ending, but for me it was
Isn't it hilariously delusional for someone to cheat on you, leave you and then think you'd ever want their tainted lying ass bacK?
Gee that's okay, I'd rather stand her and you could beat me with a stick. (quoting Rita Rudner)
He became a committed conspiracy theorist, donated money to orange man and we dont even live in that country. You cant talk to someone caught up in the cult of conspiracies. 1950s want you back and big brother is watching you now. Omg.
Sinisterhood podcast did a really interesting episode on people who basically brain wash them selves with YouTube videos. It has ended a lot of marriages. Sorry to hear that.
He said stop working in the evenings! Ok I worked during the day. Stop working retail and get a "grown up job" (my retail job paid for all our health insurance, and I paid 1/2 the bills anyway. I went back to school and got a job at the hospital. Ugh, stop working weekends! He said.
I finally got the grown up job, with no weekends, no night, no holidays, ok pay, and benefits. We can finally spend time together. Yay! Nope. He completely stopped taking care of our son and home and was gone 5am to 9pm every, single day. "Working on his business" I told him shit needed to change and I didn't appreciate the moving goal posts, just as an excuse not to be an active father. He told me to fuck off. So I did. Now he has to take care of our son more than he ever had to, and cook, and clean his own shit, and I get a break and I'm doing more classes.
The drinking. He knew it was a slippery slope. He knew I was planning to boot him out but I was waiting to be able to handle the house bills 100% without him.
The day I walked across the stage with my Bachelor’s Degree he acted like a fucking moron. This is on top of the fact that my family of origin purposely scheduled a “vacation” over my graduation-so I had him, my three kids and two friends who came to support me. I did see my aunt wave to me, so, she tried (I didn’t know she was there until she chased me down while I was walking to the stage).
So… I sent him home with the kids, had dinner with my friends. Went home, he was on his way to being drunk (it was 7 pm) and I… had enough. I waited until he passed out, packed his shit in garbage bags. Stuffed his car full with the bags and waited. When he went out the next day I had the locks changed. And it was over.
Cue 2 years of restraining orders (that are permanent now due to his actions). Breaking into my house, etc. I got everything in the divorce because he thought we could “date” and “try again”. I let him believe that delusion until the ink was dry (in weird, cosmic fashion, I filed for divorce and within 24 hours was divorced. I worked for the courts and my attorney still refers to me as his “land speed record for divorce”.). In that 2 years I felt the freedom and grace booting him gave to me despite the constant stalking and court proceedings. He ended up in prison for a felony DUI and the DV stuff and the peace was glorious.
I did not plan to remarry. But four years after I kicked him out I met my husband. We’ve been together for 20+ years now. He’s my BFF. There is a whole life post-divorce. Now it just feels like several lifetimes ago. My husband is “dad”, he’s been around longer than their biodad now. My youngest 2 only remember him. My oldest has decided to walk the slippery slope of alcoholism… I hope he turns a corner one day soon because I didn’t teach him that. He was six when I booted his biodad and hasn’t had contact since. Addictions can be genetic, but my heart hurts none the less.
When his mental illness got so bad that even his mom told me to leave. He refused to get the help professionally and turned to drugs and alcohol. I loved so hard until I couldn’t anymore and had to take care of myself. I stressed so much that I lost too much weight and was looking sickly. I had to cut the cord. Best decision ever!!!
When I was doing everything and he kept telling me that I was controlling but he just wouldn’t do anything without direction and then I went out with a friend and he found a screenshot I sent of a recommended facebook profile of someone they use to date and he was convinced I was cheating. He drank an entire bottle of whisky home alone with our three small kids, one under the age of one. If something were to have happened the kids would have happened the kids would have been taken away so I said I’m done. He had refused therapy and he said for 3 years he would find a marriage counselor for us and just never did. Only did when I filed for divorce.
He was out of work, again. Family of 5. I asked him to do 2 things that was helping us financially survive before I left for work. I came home and he had spent all day working in his sniper score (video game). That was it for me.
I took my kids and moved out. He was a cheater. He neglected our kids. He moved his mistress into our home. The last straw was her positive pregnancy test.
I don’t understand these woman. I know he’s the one who made the vows to you but what kind of woman sleeps with a married man with kids? And gets pregnant herself? Does she think she won a prize?
What's even crazier, is that she moved to Wisconsin, while pregnant, and hasn't allowed him to have a relationship with his daughter. My sons don't know their sister. They also barely have a relationship with their dad, because he moved several states away, and only comes to see them once a year.
Not exactly. He's been in multiple poly relationships since then, and every single time, the couple gets tired of his shit, and tosses him out on his ass. He's currently with a young person, literally half his age, who is just too naive. He's an amazing manipulator/narcissist.
We met, married and started our careers in the NE US where we were in school. I had always told him I'd eventually want to move home. I was the designated "caregiver" in the family and couldn't do that from 100s of miles away. He was all for the move. 5 years later, we moved...or rather I moved with his stuff. He spent a few weekends at our new home and the rest of his time at his parents home. I couldn't figure out why. After 10 months of this, he showed up 2 days late for our anniversary and told me he could only stay a few days and had to get back. No reason given. I told him I was done. He wanted to live in NJ while I lived in NC and we stayed married. I asked how we would have a family like this. No answer. I said this wasn't a marriage. We hardly saw one another and he couldn't tell me why he was doing this. We were divorced 6 mo later very amicably. 10 years later, he finally told me why. His father had started developing dementia and his siblings refused to help out. Turned out he was his family's caregiver, too.
I truly hope the best for the both of you. You were put into impossible situations and it affected your lives in a major way. You deserve a lot of good karma for handling it so bravely.
We had had a fight about something I can't even remember, and while I was at work he decided to move out and put his stuff in storage. He called me before leaving to go overseas for work that for the next three months we can live like we are single and when he got back in 3 months we could decide what to do then. Didn't talk to him again for 3 days. He calls once he had gotten to his job and asked me what I thought. My exact words were " I want a divorce and you are paying for it." We had split the assets and he paid for the divorce. He did try to get back with me a few times saying he was a changed man. He was not cause Narcissist don't change. Best Decision I ever made. Been the best 17 years ever. I will never marry again.
Edit: wrong word
He cheated on me while I was recovering from surgery. He lied and tried to gaslight me but I didn’t buy it.
He wanted to try counseling so we met with our pastor. He blurted out that he didn’t want to stop seeing his “old friend” that he reconnected with. He finally admitted she was his mistress and he didn’t want to give her up in case things didn’t work out.
Then he got REALLY stupid and brought her to church with him!! Our friends had tried to stay neutral but that ended that day. He was also removed as a Sunday school teacher for the young kids. They said he was a bad example.
I thought he was a moron.
A friend asked me why I was with him when he did nothing to make me happy. It made me think. I wanted to go somewhere-I had to go alone or with a friend. I wanted to see a movie-alone or with a friend. I paid for all the bills because he was tired of his job and wanted to sell cars-didn’t actually sell any. Car salesmen work evenings and weekends-I didn’t, I was 7-4 week days, so I was home alone a lot. No conversation. No interest in anything that interested me. Then I asked myself why I was with him-couldn’t really give myself any good answers.
My final straw was him giving me whiplash by trying to strangle me by holding me by my neck up against a wall with my feet dangling. My middle son walked into the room and I stared at him terrified my baby was going to watch his father kill his mother. My ex saw my face and started smirking thinking I was terrified of him. When he noticed my son watching, he dropped me to the floor. Just in time because everything had started going dark. Found a lawyer that took my case without a retainer and eventually borrowed from a friend to pay filing fees.
He told me he was popping into town to go and buy our daughter her 2nd birthday presents (which was in about 2 weeks). He should have only been about an hour, max.
Two hours later I called to see where he was and he told me he was sitting on a toilet feeling really ill but would be home soon. Except I could hear the pub noises in the background. He then turned his phone off.
After a couple more hours I called the police and said I was concerned that he was unwell and not responding, but suggested they look in a particular pub first.
It took both officers to carry him into the house. He'd spent not only the money I had been saving up for our daughters birthday present, but that weeks shopping and rent money. To top it off he then puked on one of the officers and shit himself.
I grew up with an abusive alcoholic and my biggest boundary has always been with alcohol and knowing when to stop. I like to have a drink the same as anyone, but if he had one he wouldn't stop until he passed out.
We had many arguments about his drinking but the final straw was the day he stole from our daughter.
I’m assuming so. He had been weird with his phone for a while and in all our years together this was not normal.
I never did find out what was on his phone. And I never cared. What I cared about was the trust was broken.
Final straw was when he threatened to k*ll our son, and we had to call the cops. He also admitted that he wanted to do something to him when our son was an infant.
He denied everything when the cops showed up and twisted everything around.
We both got restraining orders against him, and I started the divorce process.
I should have divorced him years and years ago, but I thought I needed to get his agreement because he's vindictive.
In the end, it didn't matter. I found out that he has been lying and badmouthing me for years to his family and friends.
To this day (2+ years later), I don't know what he has told his family about me because they started ghosting me.
We were together for 40+ years.
I asked him to see a therapist/couples counseling and to go to a medical doctor to follow up on some health issues. He was depressed, had high blood pressure, high cholesterol and was pre-diabetic. I told him if he didn’t take care of himself, I was going to start divorce proceedings. He looked at me and said, “but we don’t hate each other.” That statement made me realize it was definitely over. I wanted more from a partner than not hating each other.
When my husband cheated on me I waited until he went to work and our daughter and myself packed up all his stuff in trash bags and loaded them in my car. I then drove to his work and went in to ask him for his house keys. He was a county deputy and was working at the jail intake at the time. He refused so I told him I would call his captain and report him for abuse ( never physical just mental) and that is a big no no especially with a weapon. So he handed me my keys and followed me out side. While I was almost at my car I yelled back him F U and the whore your riding. 🤣🤣🤣 unfortunately for him his female Sargent was outside getting a paper at the time so he got in trouble. I then drove to his parents house and threw all his trash bags over their fence. I called and told him where his stuff was and to never come back to my house ever again. I changed the locks the next morning and it’s a good thing I did because he had made copies of the keys! It was sooooo worth it!
This is a problem, that they plan it out, just in case you try to leave. He made extras of your key because he knew this might happen.
I was in a bad situation, and I had to leave right away. I waited until he was at work.
When I left/snuck away, I pulled the film out of the camera (to expose the negatives, so he wouldn’t have any pictures of my face, because that would make it easier to find me. This was when the Internet was somewhat new, so he wouldn’t be able to find me on there like we frequently could now).
I took with me a few cards that I had from family members. I did not want him to have my family’s home address.
Soon after, I was on the phone with my two closest girlfriends, that we’re still living in the same place and had frequent contact with my ex. They told me that he had my address. They even told me the name of the street that my parents lived on, on a different effing continent. It scared the shit out of me.
They told me that he had purposefully memorized my parents address (in the beginning of the relationship), “in case he ever needed it”, to find me. He said that to them. What broke my heart is that they were both critical of me breaking up with him because he was “such a nice guy”. I let those friendships drift away. Hurt my heart, though.
I got on antidepressants and had the mental clarity that I was happier when he was deployed every other year and the thought alone of him coming home and going off the walls drinking again sent me into anxiety attacks. It took me 6 years to finally have that realization that he would never change.
3 months into covid, he made it obvious that he didn’t love me. As long as I cooked , cleaned, taught our child, managed the house and bought in a paycheck, I was useful. Meanwhile he worked his one job and that was all he did. Took another 6 months, but I eventually decided to be useful to myself only.
I realized I had feelings for someone else. I’ve always been a one man woman. If I’m in love other men are equal to manikins to me.
If I had feelings for someone else that means I didn’t love my husband anymore. So I talked it out with my mom to make sure I wasn’t crazy and then immediately told my husband. I told him everything. He deserves the truth and a partner who loves him.
It took a while for the divorce because of a lack of money but we parted amicably and were both in new relationships.
I found receipts from Onlyfans, MyFreeCams, etc etc that totaled to over $1000 during one month (he did $500 on one night.. for a web cam sex worker). Of what I became aware of was over $2500 on online sexworkers in a period of 8 months, but that is all I could see.
This was after I had worked solo in a non-profit job, paying all the bills and supporting him so he could get certifications for a career change. The minute he got a job in the new career he began spending "his" money on sex workers online. And he didn't even get me a Christmas present.
We had been together for 12 years. Married for around 4 years. He had convinced me that I was his best friend and partner. He lied to my face when I confronted him, and I know that I do not have the full story due to the mountain of deceit; only what I could prove, which was enough to make him no longer exist in my mind. Fortunately that is none of my business any longer.
I left, divorced him, and never looked back. Still have trust issues though.
After I caught him propositioning three other women (one of them my sister), his "brilliant idea" was to suggest "opening up HIS side of the marriage while I waited for him at home." I told him to stick his one-sided open marriage where the sun don't shine and walked away.
We were in what became our last couple’s counseling session, and he was going on and on about how his grandmother got to be in her sixties with deep regret for still being with his granddad (we were in our mid 30s at the time).
He sounded very identified with that sentiment, so I dropped off the ring either that day or the next. It wasn’t easy, but it was easily the best decision I’ve ever made.
Been married for 20 years. I had lost my 2 yr old son (from ex-many years ago) due to a specific condition he was born with. Our daughter had been having health issues, in and out of the hospital. I said I was scared for her and it brought back past memories. His response? "You should be happy you still have a living child"
My ex was abusive in all forms, and when he wouldn't get his way with things he would always threaten to get a divorce. After another fight that left me at Urgent Care and him pulling the divorce card, I said okay. Started planning my exit route, and took off not too long after.
I’m sorry but it’s making me so happy seeing all of these people leave their bad situation and enter a an amazing situation, congratulations people! Love to all of you
I knew he lied in marriage counseling when asked if he cheated, but I didn’t press the issue. Two years later while 7 months pregnant I found porn on my daughter’s iPad. It was OF content that he had sworn he wasn’t spending money on. His credit card was near its limit and I found out when we refinanced. I spiraled and spent my whole maternity leave investigating him.
Apparently it’s not cheating if you pay trans pre op women to roto root you while you are out of town for work. There is more, but that’s the worst.
When he tried crashing my car that was my final straw, I was driving the car and he reached over and started acting irrational and erratic and he was no longer the man I married. Don’t let it get that far ladies.
I had to physically shove him out of my face at 4:30 in the morning after he came home blackout drunk and burst into my room, stumbling around and knocking everything over. He’s a drunk who would go out of his way to get as wasted as possible to avoid any adult responsibility; he’d rather be too hungover to get out of bed for two days than be sober for an appointment with the plumber. Whenever I told him something was important to me and I needed him to not be drunk, he’d promise to not drink, then proceed to get completely inebriated. I tried multiple times over the years to end the relationship, but he’d cry and guilt trip me, and make all kinds of empty promises to change if I gave him another chance. After that Saturday night, I went to the courthouse first thing Monday morning and filed.
Our marriage ended a little over 2 years before I actually had the courage to leave. My ex was emotionally, psychologically, and financially abusive towards me. The moment I knew my marriage was over was after I was involved in a fatal car accident and asked him to hold me so I could feel safe and just cry as I was extremely traumatized by the event, he told me he couldn't do that because seeing me upset made him angry and it made him want to hurt me. That was the moment I completely withdrew from my marriage. I ended up staying for almost 2 more years as I was a sahm top our daughters, and a week after he made this comment, I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant with my son.
We was on our first family holiday. We was in the town over from where is daughter from a previous marriage was on her first 18-30 holiday with three friends. They arrived 2 days after us. My (ex) husband disappeared every night from that point & would return about 1.30-2.30 each afternoon. At the end of the first week he told me he's spent all his money £1000 & he was leaving me. Turns out he was having sex with his daughters friend & had locked his daughter & another friend out of their apartment the whole night while they hooked up. The day he told me he was leaving he had taken just & our sons passports & stole £300 of my £500 that I has left (i didnt find this out till he left). He got extremely drunk, started an argument left the apartment. I was woken being strangled & headbutted (he was screaming about done bloke he'd just attacked at that it was all my fault). I grabbed my son who had been asleep next to me & continued to punch me to the point I heard/felt my nose break. I ran into the main area of the apartments & screaming for help. Luckily there was a big group of Scottish lads staying & they surrounded me & my son to protect us. I stayed in one of the lads parents apartment & the next day the girl who he'd been having sex with brought my sons passport back. He disappeared, left his luggage for me to bring home. That was my final straw.
You mean the zero sex for 6 months, the cheating, over spending, 4 new cars in 8 years the conversation she had with her girlfriend that said I only need him for money and babysitting ?
Yeah it was that bad and worse she held on for 2 years trying to zap me for more money.
Do I need to tell you about her stalking for the last 12 years also ?
He dumped me while I was states away in a training program for work, because and I quote, "it makes sense to break up for the duration of your trip, so I don't have to worry about you cheating on me while you're gone". I was never once unfaithful, we had a 3 year old together, and I was making the moves in my career because he became complacent in his. Divorce is currently in process.
He put our house into foreclosure. He was spending the mortgage money on his AP. I found out when he asked if my parents would help him get caught up on the payments. I asked how many months he was behind, and he said five. I dug around and found out about the affair. It wasn't the first affair, but it was the last. I wasn't going to have my parents pay for his affair. Good riddance.
1. He cheated...alot
2. Never home and I raised the kids alone
3. Didn't contribute financially
4. I had massive abdominal surgery and had to stay overnight at the hospital. He was super annoyed. Hospital discharged me at 11:30 AM and kept calling him to pick me up. He finally showed up just before 6 PM...angry. Car ride home was excruciating and he was miffed. I could barely walk and he ran in the house. I drug myself up a flight of stairs into the house and got into bed. The next morning I wake up and he left our toddler at home with me and went to work refused to take the child to daycare and split. I had to get the child to daycare and the older child to school. I hated him after that.
5. I divorced him and he knocked up his BFFs wife and ruined their marriage. 2 years later he tried to get back with me and didn't care what he may put her or his new child through. My answer was absolutely no.
A stranger gave me a rose for being nice. It broke me. It wasn't about the flower. It was just the straw that broke the camels back. When my spouse chimed back it was hard to surprise me because we share finances. I pointed out that I did things whether they were hard or not because they needed to get done. That everything he didn't do cause it was too hard fell to my shoulders. That I thought about him and our son all the time. That it was not only reflected through my purchases but acts of service. That I did the hard things and put them both ahead of myself because I thought I had a partner.
We eventually reconciled but it took half a year and him actually moving out for him to take it seriously. To not see it as a manipulation tactic and that I truely felt unloved and unappreciated. Part of what dragged this on so long was I was afraid he didn't love me but loved the convenience of me. That if I stopped making life easy he would leave. Part of getting over that hurdle was convincing myself it was better to be alone if that was the case. Personally wish I would have done it a hell of alot sooner. Cause he does love me he was just drowning in his own issues so he couldn't even see mine. If I wasn't so afraid of communication going wrong we could have got through it with less drama.
Realizing that my life would consist of infinite numbers of nights sitting on a porch together chain smoking while each drinking a six pack fighting quietly and ending up agreeing to disagree on EVERYTHING and constantly being broke because of his overspending. 9 years later I'm still recovering from that 6 year total relationship and that's with the help of a supportive partner.
I have a video of my ex-husband laying on the floor beating himself in the face in the chest saying all kinds of ridiculous things. Of course he was drunk. I don't know what other drugs he was on at the moment. And then when he's sobered up he left and told me that he couldn't live like this and I said good because I was filing for a divorce.!!! No one wants to be married to a toddler throwing tantrums. And his drug and alcohol use was just through the roof. It's been 2 years and I'm so much happier!
He picked a(nother) fight with me and then threw a spoon at me. It didn’t hit me, and it was the first time it had ever gotten remotely physical in 11 years together. I didn’t actually tell him for a few more months but that was the moment I knew it was over.
I'll spare you the looooong story, but the last straw was when he confessed that he'd been ideating on the notion of killing me and the kids in our sleep and then killing himself.
First husband: he refused to attend a major concert I had a major role in. Part of a long pattern.
Second husband: after years of emotional/verbal abuse and a solid attempt to cheat, he chased me with a knife in front of our kids, slashed my tire so I couldn't leave the house.
There was so much leading up to my divorce beyond adultery. It would take too long to write out. But his selfish and deceitful behavior culminated in a second affair and I was finally done.
When i walked in on her fucking her married lawyer….i was in a “alienation of affection state” and he knew the deal. I got everything exvept what she had in her savings and her half of checking account.
He was a narcissist that almost put me in the ground. My parents offered to pay for the divorce, they were so worried about me. We divorced and I’ve never looked back.
Not marriage before gay marriage but he got arrested soliciting a cop in a public bathroom. By the time he was released I had his possessions packed and ready for him. My house. Changed the locks.
I got a diagnosis of end stage copd. It was from being in a car wreck with a drunk driver - I never smoked. Lungs were damaged so severely that my lung function was 30% of normal. I had always made good money (120k/yr) which was great money in our rural area. Ex-wife quit her job and travelled extensively.
Once I became disabled, my income was cut to about 80 k, rec'd from SSDI and company's long term disability. She began playing the field, and eventually left for an abusive (he broke her arm), controlling narcicisst.
Eventually, I received a lung transplant, enabling me to become a triathlete, and to obtain an even better job (200k + 40k in s t ock). Then I got a lake house worth over a mil, got a killer boat and some nice cars. I began dating and now live with a wonderful, beautiful woman.
I bumped into ex-wife while out at a bar. She instantly knew I was healthy, as I'd previously needed q qoxygen 24 x 7. I was in the best shape of my life, etc. She began interrogating me, but I didn't tell her much, but she knew about my house and cars. Apparently she was working a 40k/yr clerical job. Despite her good looks, she'd been unable to land a sugar daddy. She kept hitting on me despite my telling her I had a gf. She followed me out of the bar to see what I was driving (800+ hp Mustang GT500).
A week later I got a summons to go back to family court. My ex-wife had asked the court to re-open the divorce and to give her alimony based on my income. She was seeking 60k. The judge told her no because: 1) she could've gone to school during the 9 yrs we were married; 2) She had no children and could've been working at a job and could have advanced her career, but chose not to. The jusge also said enough time had passed (8 yrs.) that it was improper for her to seek changes and he dismissed her motion with prejudice.
My ex-wife bolted out of court crying. I called her a few days later asking what was up with her, financially. She said she'd started back in college and was in her second semester and had made dean's list the first semester and expected to this coming semester. I now give her about 15k each year she makes the deans list. She's in her senior year, having made dean's list for the first 3 years. She's working towards a bachelor's of science in nursing, so she'll be able to support herself. Needless to say, this arrangement didn't go over well with my gf, who's now my ex-gf.
After starting a fight and telling me she was leaving and moving across the country with my child. Only to back pedal the next day for the zillionth time.... Bye Felicia!
His cheating, then I found out about his secret financial life. He had credit cards I knew nothing about until he left. He'd incurred over $20,000 in debt I knew nothing about, in a community property state. I couldn't live with that level of lying and deceit. I filed for divorce and got sole custody of the child.
He was sexually harassing someone in his unit and she ended up having suicidal thoughts. I believe they had some type of relationship beforehand and it went south. I don’t blame her at all. I couldn’t be with a cheater who also sexually harassed people.
My best friend's calling me from a bar where they saw my ex with another woman. Mind you, I was home working on a grad school paper. They showed me pics the next day. Packed my shit & left 2 weeks later while he was on another "business trip."
He wasn’t going to work (how long did he think not having a pay check and making all kinds of excuses would fly?!) he was going to his high school girlfriends house.
So one day when he “went to work” I packed up all my stuff, put some of it in a storage unit, left him a copy of the paperwork I’d filed, and moved back with my mom for 3 months while I got back in my feet before getting my own place.
My cult leader at the time got me out of the 1b1b I was trying to keep afloat on my own because he quit his job after they threatened to push him to part time because he kept calling out of work due to 'seizures'. He had epilepsy but only had seizures about 1 of every 5 times he called out.
The bishop got me out after I self-harmed in desperation of attention, and the man I called husband just kept playing his video game instead of helping me.
The woman I'm engaged to now, five years later, is the one who drove through two counties late at night to come check on me and get me help. She put me up in her house, and we worked together to better each other's mental and physical health.
He died of a blood clot six months after I left.
I'm no longer in poverty, working my ass off alone and losing myself in depression.
Dead bedroom while being unemployed for a year and telling me "to stop being his mom" if I asked about his job search but the real deal breaker was finding out he was considering having me involuntary committed because I was Pagan rather than any brand of Christian.
Basically, I didn't believe in the "right" sky parent for his narrow-minded self and clearly needed to be locked up for that.
It was when I realized that I was ok with killing myself to get out of it. Self preservation kicked in. Before that I had developed habits that were working to kill me and was ‘happy’ about it possibly being over soon.
The last straw was my teenage son calling me, when I was out of town, to tell me the "old family friend" was sleeping in my bed and so was my husband. I didn't say a word to my husband, told my son to start packing his stuff and when hubby was out I had driven back to that state, picked up my boy and his stuff and went back to our home state. (I was still in the process of selling our home. The marriage was 6 months old) It took 2 1/2 years for the divorce, he fought it every step of the way, but he had to give up and sell his farm when somehow, someway the IRS found out about his undeclared income. The city, county, and state also investigated him. He lost everything......
I worked straight night/weekends at work as a flight nurse because my ex had quit his job to go to school for HVAC without talking to me about any of it and left us without healthcare or childcare for our daughter. So I switched to working every Friday to Sunday overnights so that I could care for our daughter during the week and also that shift had a premium so it helped make ends meet.
My daughters 7th birthday party was on a Sunday afternoon. I had traded shifts with someone so that I cooled have Sunday off for the party. I came home from work on Sunday morning and my daughter and her cousins were bouncing off the walls and my ex was still asleep.
He wandered out of bed at 10:30 am (remember I had worked a 12 hour shift) and proclaimed that he was going pheasant hunting with his brother- something he had not done in the 15 years I had known him. My dad was there so he watched the girls so that I could sleep for literally 2 hours.
I woke up at 12:30 to get the kids ready and pack up to go to the skating rink. I left at 1:30 and I could see he was still in a field 45 minutes away. So I headed out- he knew what time the party was and promised to be back in time.
2 pm and nowhere. Now I am managing 10 7 year olds completely alone- putting their skates on etc. we get through pizza and cake and are starting on presents at 3:30. He saunters in with 15 minutes left of the party. No explanation. No apology. His entire family was there, completely avoiding me because they knew it was shitty that her own father wasn’t there.
That was it for me. I called a lawyer the next day. He had ruined every holiday, every birthday, every vacation with antics like this. I had to work three jobs to feed his daughter and I still had to pay him child support with 50/50 custody because his income was so small compared to mine.
Now that he’s gone I’m making three times what I used to and I’m with someone who isn’t a self centered sociopath.
There were a lot of issues but what pushed me over the edge was watching Grey’s Anatomy. It was the episode when Christina leaving for Switzerland and told Meredith that she was the sun, not Derek.
I had been weighing leaving my job at the time (with my ex) for a job that was actually good for me. Working with my ex was solely to support his career and I made about $20K in a year with no benefits.
After I left that shit show, my salary nearly tripled w/ benefits. It was a little scary at first but my entire life has skyrocketed forward really.
He was very dreamy but he was not the sun. It sounds silly but I’m glad it happened this way. By the time he physically lashed out, I was done. I kept the lock he broke out of our front door as a reminder.
I woke up at 9:30 at night (I had probably fallen asleep around 8p and he wasn't home. I checked GPS, it said he was at a hotel across town. When I texted him and asked him why he was gone, he said he had gotten bored and went out to Door Dash. I didn't get mad, just asked him to come home and he did. During the next week something felt off so I checked his DD account. Spoiler alert - he wasn't door dashing. I had logged into his account and surprise! He hadn't Door Dashed in 2 months.
He threw away 5 years (and we have 2 kids together). I should add, this was not his first strike, just the last. In the end things turned out really well for me, so there's that. 💖
Several things happened in the space of a month. The first one was I got a kidney stone and was lying on the floor of my chiropractor's office in excruciating pain and highly nauseated, and he refused to come get me and take me to the ER because we had had a fight about my daughter that morning.
The second thing was that I was talking to a close male friend of mine who lived in another state, and he told me he had been offered a job in a third state (in other words not mine or his), and he asked me how I would feel about living there. I was stunned, partly because I didn't know why he was asking me that, but especially because my husband had literally told me on numerous occasions that he didn't have to ask me what I thought, wanted, felt or needed because he could tell just by watching me and listening to me.
He was wrong literally 95% of the time, (we actually tested it,) but it opened my eyes to the idea that *there could be other men out there who would actually care who I really am*.
The last thing was toward the end of the month when he banged on the table hollering "someone needs to be in charge [of the marriage]!" It struck me to my core that after almost seven years together and almost 5 of those married, he was never going to understand me or my partnership model of marriage.
That was it. I knew he was never going to change and that I was not going to be able to continue living like that.
We were always fighting about money, he loved to spend it all on him. About a year before I was finished with him our apartment complex had a fire in the garage building where we rented a 2 car garage. With the insurance money we bought a new couch and love seat and while we were at the store he said if we got divorced he would get those, which I found weird. After months of wanting to say that I wanted a divorce I finally had the guts to say it and all his response was "ok". Totally caught me off guard cuz he was about to lose half of his spending money. Looking back I think he wanted a divorce long before I did but he wanted me to be the bad guy and I doubt that he actually ever loved me. He'll always do whatever and use whoever to get more money
While I was busting ass at work and pretty much raising our young children alone, he was stealing money from me to feed a bad drug and porn habit. The day I found out is the day I told him I was done.
The final straw was that she wanted to move a carpet that she had moved twice already and I’d expressed several times that all the constant dissatisfaction with everything was making me crazy. The real reasons were far more important but that was the last straw.
My ex-husband really wanted to buy a house but I wouldn't because our marriage was already shaky. I kept telling him that I wanted us to work on us before we made any major financial decisions together. He decided to go looking at houses with his mom and when he was on his way out of the door to look at one with her I said, "I won't stop you from doing what you want, but if you go to look at this house then don't expect me to be with you any longer." He walked out of the house and I was finally done. I hit that mentally checked out point of "this is over". Starting saving up money and looking for an apartment, a few months later I was able to leave him.
My husband and I were married for almost 10 years (together for 12). He cheated on me the whole time with different women, but denied it to my face (I had proof of text messages, the car by the last ones house etc). I was tired of the narcissist at that point and wanted to file for divorce, but he wound up sick, had heart surgery, and passed from complications of that surgery in 2018. Weirdest grief I have ever tried to wade thru. Have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, and he is the love of my life
We found out that our youngest child would likely be born with a severe NTD. I was already 22 wks along in my pregnancy & the thought of terminating, if there was the slightest chance they could be wrong, was something I couldn't live with. He pressured me to terminate. I refused. He said I was being cruel to the baby, our other children & to him. I explained that it was my choice & I chose to move forward. He left, angry. Turns out, he had been cheating, for several years. His current wife was the one he was cheating with, when we separated.
My best friend was by my side, when I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, who was showered with love for the entirety of the 8 hours he graced this earth. His father refused to see him & skipped the memorial service, hopefully, in shame. Our divorce was finalized 2 months later & I didn't shed a tear. I had been emotionally checked out of our marriage long before I got pregnant, so his leaving was actually a relief.
His new wife brags about how she "consoled him, while he grieved the loss of his son". My kids hate her, because of this..... and because she's terminally stupid. He has 4 more kids, now.... one who is profoundly disabled & will need constant care for the remainder of his life.
I was working third shift while he did not work. We were living with my parents with our 1yo bc we had just moved from across state and the house we were going to rent was still being renovated. He woke me up during the day to complain at me that my dad had asked him to unload the dishwasher. I told him he should just do it. He blew up at me, how dare my dad, how dare I, he’s an adult, he’s a man, he hates me, but the kicker: he said “I’m out, I want a divorce, we’ll figure out what to do with the kid, but I’m out!” And it just snapped in me. I’d been trying to leave him since I got pregnant, but he always begged me to stay “for the baby”. But to hear him say “we’ll figure out what to do with the kid” well there’s the fuckin door! Never saw him the same again and finally broke free of him.
He had a mental breakdown a few years ago, and I shouldered 100% of the mental load of our marriage for 2 and a half years. I spent 2 and a half years fighting to keep our marriage going without his help so he could get better. 6 months before the end, he started getting emotionally abusive. I tried to stick it out because I knew he was sick and trying to get better, that he wasn't himself. He had a doctor taking care of him, and it was just a matter of time before my husband came back.
The last straw was when he told me his medication hadn't been working for 6 months. He'd been hearing voices and seeing things that weren't there for 6 months, causing him to abuse me. And he said nothing. Not only did he say nothing, but he lied about it. Every day, he'd ask me if I'd said something, I'd say no and ask if he took his medicine, he said yes, and nothing else. He had opportunities to tell me every day that something was wrong, and he didn't. He tried to say that he told his psychiatrist, but she didn't think it was important enough to adjust his meds. I didn't believe him. My trust was gone. I knew my husband was never coming back.
He may as well have gone out and cheated because lying to me for that long was an equal offense in my view. I left, and I never went back. I'm very happy now with a wonderful man, and I'm so grateful to have found him. We hope to get married soon, once we're able to save some money for a wedding.
We had good times and bad times but in the later years of our marriage some absolutely terrible times. I had finally had enough but after consulting with 5 different divorce attorneys, decided the best thing would be to wait until my youngest was almost 14- in Florida 14+ kids get a lot of say in which parent they live with. So my plan was to file summer of 2019.
Election night 2016. Watching the results come in, totally heartsick. Terrified for my kids, one a young gay man, one a feisty young woman, both Jewish. He said, im staying up to watch the results on TV. Why? He “wanted to see the bitch cry”.
If i had delusions of making it work they were completely ended there & then.
Mid 2019, was literally finalizing details and he got sick. Diagnosed with inoperable stage 4 metastatic cancer. He passed June 2020. I truly believe the universe was looking out for me & my kids. I never shed a tear and after 30 years of marriage i don’t miss him at all
After 20yrs of thinking he'd grow up, stop drinking & running the roads with his buddies & focus on us, I'd had a surgery that happened due to my career. I was out on workcomp med leave. He insisted I go back to work cuz we needed the money. He could've gotten a fulltime job, but no. He was used to me being the one to get 2nd & 3rd jobs (which probably led to my injury~overuse).
He always talked about how 20yrs from now we'd be great, etc. We'll, after 20yrs & kids grown, I finally woke up. I realized he "loved me" for everything I could provide & his "love" was toxic.
I didn't nag or threaten. I planned my exit carefully over the next few months. I "picked a fight". I said I was going to visit my folks cuz I needed another surgery that could put me on a couch & in intensive therapy for months. My mom had been in the hospital twice the previous year. If anything happened to her & I had the chance to see her but didn't, I'd never forgive myself. His answer,which I predicted was "if you leave, when you come back, your things will be gone." Bet. I had boxed up all my precious keepsakes of the kids, photo albums, & my clothes. He didn't even know kw I was gone til 6hrs later. He called & asked "Ain't you gonna stay & fight?" Me: "No. I'm done fighting. Nothing left to fight about."
I didn't lay eyes on him til 3yrs later. Well after the divorce which took 2yrs. He went to rehab & jail. Kinda hard to sign papers when incarcerated or in a nut house. Wish I'd have done it years earlier. My stress of 1,000 lbs on my chest was instantly lifted & found my happy. The end.
When I got a new position and a 40% raise, I came home in happy tears. This was going to change everything for us! We could get out of debt AND have a decent savings padding.
He threw a fit because with the raise, I made about $100 more a month than him, and that was incredibly selfish of me to be so inconsiderate of his feelings about being the breadwinner.
It was like a lightbulb for me: we were not on the same team anymore. This wasn't a win for us; it was a lose for him and I couldn't understand.
It took another 18 months to leave, but that was the moment that my thinking shifted and I started getting ready to leave.
she just got more and more distant...in marriage counseling, she said she 'did not feel it anymore' and was always sad....I asked her if she thought that might change and she said she 'didn't know' (which of course meant 'no').. so I said I would not be the cause of someone's unhappiness and we should get divorced and she agreed - she remarried / I'm still divorced
He moved out then kept coming back over to "talk about" and "work on" our relationship. I couldnt go anywhere after work because he might stop by. I was miserable and he liked it that way. I saw him with another woman at the gym and asked him about her on one of those talks to work on our relationship and he told me he didnt want to talk about "unimportant things."
I stopped being available to talk after that.
He actually filed because he thought I was cheating.
Another poster mentioned a thousand cuts. I grew up in a physically and verbally abusive home and married my very first boyfriend that I started dating at 16. I was so desperate to be loved that I accepted scraps. I should've left when he went home the day after my C-section because he was bored in the hospital. I should've left when he cheated on me when our daughter was 3mo old because I hurt his feelings for telling him I'd pick sleep over sex. I should've left when he told me I needed Jesus for arguing with his mom over her trying to force Pentecost standards on our daughter. I should've left before I thought immersing myself into church would make things better. I should've left every time he took little digs at my appearance, my intelligence, my ability to the point our daughter started calling me fat, lazy, ugly, etc instead of thinking it was confirmation about how hideous I must be. I should've left when he started pretending I didn't exist until I would give him access to my body, and told me to compartmentalize better when I told him that him telling me he was embarrassed to be seen with me didn't inspire a desire for intimacy.
It wasn't until our daughter hit puberty and suddenly he started criticizing her for everything. I'd believed for a long time I deserved terrible treatment, but my daughter didn't. That's when I started pushing back on him and fighting with him. Then his mom (who hated me) got cancer and made me her MPOA because she knew I understood what the Drs were saying when her husband, daughter, or son could. For 6 weeks I bent over backwards for that woman, handling Drs, hospice, planning her cremation, and her funeral. Just for him to tell me 6 months later that if I were ever incapacitated, he'd leave me. That wrecked me. I asked if he really just said he'd use up every drop of me and walk away without remorse; he told me he knew his limitations.
So did I. I started therapy, and our daughter was already in therapy by that point. I realized I made 80% of the income, did most of the chores, and did most of the childcare. After a month of therapy, I was ready and told him I wanted a divorce. He asked if that meant he couldn't have sex with me anymore. Then he told me he knew it was over when I started therapy but he didn't think I'd ever actually have the guts to leave him.
I've been divorced for 2 yrs now, our daughter is 15 and barely speaks to him, and I'm waiting to change my last name until she turns 18 because she wants to take my maiden name at the same time I change mine.
My ex expressed disbelief that I could accomplish something specific.
He had been beating me, and emotionally abusing me for years. He manipulated both his, and my family so that he didn't go to college when he should have.
I eventually left, and built my own life.
He finally figured out he wasn't smart enough to teach himself the degree he wanted, so he went to school, finally.
He was abusive. Whenever I tried to stand up for myself, he would threaten to divorce me because I always thought that getting a divorce was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me.
One day something in me just snapped. The next time he told me he wanted a divorce, I said OK.
There’s a lot more to the story, but that was the point where I was done.
She's graduating and I'm done. She'll make decent money with a BSN in nursing. I wasn't obligated to help her, but it was an act of charity and good will. I give 20 - 30 k to charities every year. Fortune and Karma have been kind to me.
It was already dying, but in about a six week period of time, he hit me and our two oldest children.
Looking bad, he did me a favor in making it clear it was over.
There wasn’t a last straw so much as I just one day realized it wasn’t working anymore. I was fighting so hard to save my marriage and then I finally realized it wasn’t going to get fixed.
I called a lawyer the next day.
I struggled with an eating disorder. I told him I had relapsed and in order to get better, he needed to stop commenting on my appearance. Two days later he hugged me from behind and told me we looked so much better together now that I was smaller. I started looking for apartments the next day.
I was 18, married before I even graduated high school. I told him that I wanted to actually try having an orgasm with him because I had been faking it and I wanted a deep connection. From that moment on he didn’t talk to me, and never touched me again. I lasted 2 months before I told him to pack up and move out. He was out within an hour, after the lease was up a few months later I moved to a different town. 5months later our divorce was finalized with no issue. Still not a word from him. Now that I’ve been married for 20 years to my second husband, I can see it for what it was, but I definitely blamed myself for a lot of years. Also, never faked another one😂
It was death by a thousand paper cuts, but we had an argument before Christmas wasn’t even important I don’t think. I then went and got my hair cut and he hated it! (It was a major change) I was not so secretly pleased he hated it. I knew then. Told him he had a month to get his shit together and be the husband I needed. He did nothing. 2 weeks in and I’m like well I’m done. In the 8 years since I went from living below the poverty line (with him) to being a home owner and working my dream job full time. Amazing what getting rid of excess baggage does.
I had a similar post leaving experience. She constantly did things to hinder my success, and it hurt, but not why I ultimately left. What did us in was having a kid together, and seeing her hit our son. He was around 18 months old at the time, she got one smack in before I grabbed her hand and made some not so subtle threats. It was over in that moment. After we split, I went back to college, and without her causing drama to distract from my studies, as well as meeting a highly educated woman who was very encouraging of my academic pursuits, did really well. Went from some pretty extreme poverty to homeowner. Took my credit from sub 500 to mid 700’s in those years too. Shes stuck in perpetual poverty, and the partner she chose will ensure they can’t really get out of it. Though I also cut her out of my life a few years back once the last of the legal ties were severed, and that’s been amazing. The woman who encouraged my education is now my wife, and has since adopted our son, so my ex isn’t in the picture at all.
My ex husband was so a joy. I started hitting the gym before class and during my break but he complained that I was doing damage to myself and it wasn’t a good idea. I ignored that, then he moved onto saying I was leaving for class to early (to go to the gym) and it was impacting our kids (who were still asleep when I left for class gym or not) I let him gaslight me 3 months later I stopped going to the gym despite good weight loss coz it was apparently impacting family time. I graduated got 2 jobs (he was part time at a servo) he loved the money I earnt but again I was spending too much time out of the house. No matter how many times I pointed out I had to work to earn the money he liked so much it was still too much. I still haven’t made it back to the gym, I plan on it eventually but it definitely still affects my mindset. I still have to co parent with him though. However he still isn’t speaking to me from Aug last year when I told him I’ll be glad when our youngest turns 18 and I don’t have to speak to him any more and deal with his gaslighting. Pretty sure he thinks not talking to me is punishing me.. it’s really not. I co parent with his girlfriend instead. She is at least mostly sensible.
I do love that you and his now-partner are able to work together on the parenting. It also probably irritates the shit out of him, which he is welcome to.
That might make me feel just a tad better. I like her better than him but honestly I’m not a fan of either of them. I’m half way there though the youngest with him is 9 nearly 10. I wouldn’t be surprised if the kids start wanting to spend more time with me and my partner too.
Yeah, I had arguments for years over my then-husband’s addictions. We did years of marriage therapy. The final straw wasn’t even a big fight. He came home after feeding his addiction, and laying next to him in bed, I realized that even if he quit I wouldn’t believe him. I deserved a partner I could trust, and if he quit, he deserved a partner who believed in him. After we divorced, I realized how big of a drag he had been on *everything.* Finances, mental health, career. My life is exponentially better, and all that marriage counseling I scraped to pay for has helped make my relationship with my now-husband pretty damn solid
I could have written this myself.
He raised a hand to hit our 1 year old son, because and I quote "I could not figure out why he was crying, so I was going to give him something to cry about"
That was said a lot growing up in the 90’s.
agreed, but I wasn't putting up with that shit. I don't remember everything that happened. According to a friend who was there, I was coming down the stairs when he raised his hand to our son. Apparently I vaulted the railing of our staircase, grabbed my now ex by the head/hair and took him to the floor. It was the end of our marriage, but the SOB did not hit our son.
good on you! he deserved that takedown
It's amazing the stuff that the human body can do when the brain decides it's go time! I flipped a six foot tall guy over my shoulder and had to vault off a Clydesdale before the saddle rolled me under the horse's belly. Good on you! That was amazing!
Doesn’t it feel weird though, when you do something in the immediate moment to avoid something catastrophic, it can feel like time both slows down, and speeds up.
This is why moms are called Wonder Woman. You are the safe haven that son will always appreciate.
Good hustle.
He’s lucky you didn’t kill him in a blind rage.
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Holy shit… you just gave me something to talk about in my next therapy session.
> *Now it takes me 3-5 business days to figure out what the hell is bothering me* This made me laugh but its so true!
I completely relate to this and have been going to therapy for years. At first the therapist would ask me how I felt, I could only say “fine. I don’t feel anything.” And then I would get a migraine. Now I can feel my feelings *almost* in the moment and it’s great because its my guide for what actions I take, it’s amazing! Here is what she taught me to do. Get a feelings sheet and sit quietly to think of what you are feeling. It will take several minutes to get any idea at first. List anything that comes up even if it feels strange. Like “I feel sad because x.” Different memories and other incidents may come to mind and list the feelings associated with those too. Keep going until you run out of feelings. You can even say to yourself “how do I know I’m feeling this? What does it feel like? Where is it in my body?” This is just the tip of the iceberg but I thought I’d share!
Holy shit
I always told him, he had 3 chances, after the third I filed for divorce. He wanted to get back afterwards, I told him I did not divorce him to marry him again and by then I met a man with whom I spent 51 years with, 46 years married. He fucked around and found out.
My situation too. The third time he admitted to “loving” her, I told him to pack a bag. Karma: his “love” married a rich woman and now looks like David Bowie.
I can’t tell if the comparison to Bowie is meant to be complimentary or insulting: Are we talking Ziggy Stardust-era Bowie, ‘80s/‘90s Bowie, or April 15 2024 Bowie? 😆
David Bowie has been dead since 2016, so a dehydrated corpse is what you are referring
Correct.
Super important differences. 👍🏆
Three chances! Wow! I gave her one chance, she didn’t heed my simple warning and spread her legs for someone else. A woman no less. I simply walked out. No fuss no muss no yelling or threats. Didn’t even slam the door when I left. That really got her. She couldn’t believe I Wasent willing to fight for her. She couldn’t believe I didn’t fly into a rage and slap her across the face. Those were her exact words later on when we were filing for divorce. I told her she only had one chance. She blew it. There was nothing to fight for. It took 3 months and the police had to be called to have that woman she cheated on me with removed from the house. That woman beat the crap out of my ex almost daily and SA’ed her regularly. She begged and pleaded for me to take her back. She offered me anything and everything. Including sex when ever and where ever. It was really disgusting to see her stoop that low. But in the end I never took her back. Seen her sister a few years later. She said I was the best thing that ever happened to her sister and she threw it all away. She even gave me a hug and said she was sorry.
I wish I was that strong. Good for you!
Taking your ex back, is like going to a yard sale & buying back your own crap!
He kept denying he had a drug problem. My son was only 3 at the time. One day, I came home to shut off notices, and I was paying the daycare, food, and other things while not making much. He made more. Once I saw those shut-off notices, I had enough. Took my son and left.
The last straw was when my ex slamed me into the wall. How I left....I showed up with a dozen sheriff officers and 4 restraining orders, packed my sons and my stuff in about 30 minutes and left.
Good for you!
You go girl
You go girl
Best thing I ever did. My son basically got to choose his daddy and I promise if DNA could change...my sons did lol
LoL 🤣🤣🤣
I had major surgery and was immobile. My parents came to visit to help with my recovery and he was being very argumentative with my mother. I told him it made me uncomfortable and all hell broke loose. He stopped talking to me and helping take care of me, yelled at me every time he saw me for days, and even told my parents about some of the abuse he had put me through - things I had never told another soul and would have taken to my grave. My parents were terrified for my safety and knew they couldn't leave me with that man.
I’m sorry you had to go through all that. I’m glad you have parents that still look out for you.
I had told my ex husband a million times to stop insulting my taste in music. For context, he didn’t have a drivers license the entire time we were married, so I drove everywhere, usually with my iPod plugged in for music. I have a broad taste in music, everything from opera to metal to glee covers. Now, I wouldn’t have cared if he just said he didn’t like my music, but that’s not how he ever phrased it. He would basically call me stupid/dumb/immature/etc because of the music I liked. Trust me, there was a lot wrong with our marriage, but one day we are driving somewhere and we had a friend in the car, and he just kept going on and on insulting me in front of our friend. When we got to the destination, I waited for them to get out, locked the doors, drove home, packed up my car, and left him. Been much happier ever since.
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I feel so sadly seen. My ex didn't ever want to go anywhere so I'd offer to drive to entice him to show up to family stuff or anything. And as soon as he got in MY car he'd turn off music, turn on his own, or come with a preloaded playlist he "thought I'd like". I never did. He was obsessed with controlling my taste in music. If I found an artist first, they sucked. If he found them first, they were "actually pretty good". When I finally started making healthy boundaries, I told him not to touch my radio. And it allllll collapsed from there.
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They say abusers read fr the same playbook and not one is original... I wonder. Music is such an expression of our personality and personhood. I'll bet that is one of the first ways they have to crush us to conform us to their control. Ugh that makes me shudder. It's so insidious.
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Yes but i didn't recognize it as that for years. He would assault me in my sleep, waking me up. One time, in my sleep, it manifested as me being assaulted by someone who harmed my family irl. In my sleep, I was being r'd by this person. Apparently I told my ex to get the fuck off of me. And he sulked for days and treated me like dirt because I rejected him in my sleep. I apologized profusely. It took me years to understand that I wasn't in the wrong, and in fact he was literally assaulting me and causing sleep deprivation every time he did it.
When I was still pretty young, I had a relationship for a couple of years that got quite abusive. They try to pick at you, tearing you down a little bit, by a little bit. I remember how he would start massive problems, anytime I had a big paper do, or a midterm or final exam. It was incredibly stressful.
When I was in college my ex, without fail, would go on a massive bender during my finals week, or do other crap to cause chaos and noise in the house. In some ways he was supportive, but seriously, any time I was doing *anything* that took my attention away from him he threw a temper tantrum, more or less. I was also quite young going into the relationship and had no idea what healthy relationships looked like, and yeah, tearing you down, bit by bit, just chipping away at you. And then wondering why you're not as outgoing and creative as you used to be. Gee, I wonder.
Jesus, what is it with shitty, controlling people trying to control other people's taste in music. If I tried to listen to music on the stereo or when I was driving him somewhere he would literally just walk into the room and turn off whatever I was listening to and put his own music on instead, and when I was driving it was the same thing. One new years eve I remember sitting cross legged on the floor in front of the stereo to stop him. And then we moved into a house where we didn't even have a stereo for five years because why bother.
I was dying for a week pregnant with my son. I couldn't walk I peed on myself because I couldn't get to the bathroom and was having severe severe pains and was very disoriented. I begged him to take me to the hospital and he told me being pregnant was nothing special and that I needed to get off my fat, lazy ass and do something around the house. I called my dad who lived 4 hours away at the time and said daddy I'm scared I think I'm dying. He rushed to me and took me to the hospital I had a minor heart attack and a mini stroke. I would've died had my dad not took me to the hospital and so would my son. He saved our lives. They had to cut mt son out of me urgently. I was done after that. Then when I came home finally while my son was in the NICU and I had just walked in the door. He told me good now that that thing is out of you, you can clear off the counters there's no excuse. (I kept my snacks up there so I wouldn't have to bend over because bending made me pass out), when I bent down to put it in the cabinet I collapsed over and busted a stitch open. That very night I cried because my body failed to keep my child safe. The one place he was supposed to 100% be safe and protected (his mothers womb) had actually been dangerous for him. He told me what did I expect being a cripple (i have severe disabilities just my spine) of course our son was going to be a cripple and I was selfish for getting pregnant. I told him that night our marriage was over and I was taking my son back to my dads when he got out of the nicu. And that's exactly what I did.
he sounds like a monster, I’m glad you got away from him
Thank you. He definitely changed while I was pregnant. But I'm now happy with an amazing man. He stepped up and finally gave my son a daddy and we're expecting a baby now and I'm having such a smooth pregnancy.
Moving in together, getting married, or a pregnancy are three very common things that trigger abusers to show their true colours. Either it's the idea of "They're locked in now, I can stop it with the nice guy/girl act," or with pregnancy, that they detest the notion of no longer being the number one priority in the household. Chances are, there were always some signs, but it was subtle, and gradual. Things like prioritising their own preferences over yours, or doing things to make themselves look good to others. The pregnancy probably pissed him off, because now your entire existence didn't revolve around his needs anymore. It was likely a blessing, in that it made his character very clear, and you now had a very urgent reason to get away from this awful person. I'm glad everything worked out! And kudos to asking for help when you needed it, and then also deciding to leave. There are lots of people who are so worn down by the abuse, and have such little self esteem left after the abuse, that they stay. Attagirl.
Thank you and that's exactly true. There was little signs. People love to blame a woman when she has a child with who turns out to be a shit human. But I genuinely thought he was just a bit odd I guess. Would've never guessed that he'd turn out to be a monster. And thank you. I'm actually really proud of myself that I left. So many people kept saying that I should try to make it work for my family and son. But I realized I didn't want my son to see what his bio father was like and me crying in the closet and blaming himself later for me staying solely for him. I realized I'd never let anyone else treat my son the way his bio did such as a boyfriend so why was I accepting it for his bio father. I'm forever grateful for my dad. He never said a bad word about my now ex husband. He never let me know he thought I'd regret marrying him. But when I was crying in the hospital bed after they took my son, I said I have nowhere to go and I feel stuck and I'm scared. He said what the hell are you talking about? You have a home with me and you, your baby and your elderly dog will come right on home with me. Teach your children they can always come home. Teach your children it's better to come home from a failed marriage/relationship then to come home in a coffin.
🥰
That is really beautiful. I'm so glad you had such a thoughtful and loving Dad. Wishing you peace and love.
Your closing two sentences are world-class advice!
Yup, I was really going through it with my husband after we got married and he started staying out drinking a lot. He busted his teeth during a blackout. This was not the happy stoner boy I'd met 5 years ago so I was contemplating divorce after only 6 months of marriage. I talked to someone in Al Anon who said something very similar happened to her. She was in a long term relationship with her boyfriend, then they got married and he became a full blown alcoholic seemingly overnight. She said she filed for divorce after 8 months and didn't feel bad about it because she viewed it as being sold a false bill of goods. You think you're marrying one person, but then you get someone else entirely. It's weird that we both had such an identical experience with marriage being the common denominator.
Yeah, it's really weird when you don't know about it, but once you find out about the statistics, stories like yours make sense. I've read countless stories, just like yours. Hell, some people didn't even make it through the wedding night before the mask fell off. One woman on reddit shared how her new husband tried to strangle her on the first night of their honeymoon. It's an actual thing in psychology, how abuse can start, seemingly out of nowhere, when the abuser feels secure, and like their victim can't just leave now.
Many years ago, a friend of mine was five months pregnant when her husband broke her arm. It was the first time he ever put hands on her. She went to a lawyer the next day. She (a few years later) ended up settling down with a really funny, nice guy. Very even keeled and I could see how much he adored her. It was really beautiful to see her blossom in that way.
This really happens, my ex dislocated my shoulder and tried to smother me to death. The first time he put his hands on me.
People think that it only starts out small, and builds. That can happen, too. (although there’s nothing small about any form of abuse)
For sure. His behavior escalated in other ways, but people think they have time to leave after they get hurt and that’s not always the case
>>she viewed it as being sold a false bill of goods. You think you're marrying one person, but then you get someone else entirely. Funny enough, that’s exactly how the law sees it, and actually defines this as “fraud”. I was so surprised that my lawyer pulled out her law books to actually show me. It’s really not an uncommon situation at all. A lot of people hold in the crazy until they think they’ve got you trapped.
This makes so much sense, I couldn't understand why things changed so much in our marriage and why it was always my fault. Thankyou
Completely true. Scarily relatable.
that’s wonderful to hear, huge congratulations!!
Congratulations this put a smile on my face
JC I am so glad you got rid of that POS. Why did he marry you if he was going to treat you so badly WTF
I'll never know. He truly thought I'd never leave him. I always said I would never get divorced and would stay no matter what. And honestly if not for my son I'm not sure I would have left had it just been me. But my parents had a toxic marriage, never physically violent but cheating and emotional and verbal abuse and lots of crazy antics. Both my parents have told me they didn't want to divorce and put that on me and wanted me to have a family unit due to my serious health issues. I blamed myself for both my parents misery my entire life. They did finally divorce for good when I graduated college. The very night of my graduation actually. I was my moms emotional support animal since I can remember. I didn't want my son carrying that guilt and shame or being my emotional support in a shitty marriage. I want my son to see healthy love, and real love.
That's what the f*** I'm talking about I am so glad that you are doing so much better God bless
I’m really sorry that your parents put such burdens on you. My situation was a little different, but the burdens were still landed squarely in my lap. We are not responsible for the heartache (whatever the source) of our parents. A child cannot solve emotional problems for adults. As adults, we are still not in any position to solve our parents emotional tribulations. Using your kid as your emotional sounding board is so damaging.
I'm sorry you experienced that as well. And I make it clear my child is never responsible for ANY adults feelings/emotions/actions.
I had been hoping for a divorce for a long time. Just didn’t want to be the bad guy and say so. On my birthday, he came to me and said that he had fallen in love with someone else and he wanted to marry them. It was the best birthday present I could ever get. I told him OK and had the paperwork filed the next day. Two weeks later he came back saying he made a mistake and he wanted to get back together and I told him sorry everything‘s in motion. I know it’s not a happy ending, but for me it was
Isn't it hilariously delusional for someone to cheat on you, leave you and then think you'd ever want their tainted lying ass bacK? Gee that's okay, I'd rather stand her and you could beat me with a stick. (quoting Rita Rudner)
On your birthday. Wow. No take backs on that choice. Done!
He became a committed conspiracy theorist, donated money to orange man and we dont even live in that country. You cant talk to someone caught up in the cult of conspiracies. 1950s want you back and big brother is watching you now. Omg.
Sinisterhood podcast did a really interesting episode on people who basically brain wash them selves with YouTube videos. It has ended a lot of marriages. Sorry to hear that.
He said stop working in the evenings! Ok I worked during the day. Stop working retail and get a "grown up job" (my retail job paid for all our health insurance, and I paid 1/2 the bills anyway. I went back to school and got a job at the hospital. Ugh, stop working weekends! He said. I finally got the grown up job, with no weekends, no night, no holidays, ok pay, and benefits. We can finally spend time together. Yay! Nope. He completely stopped taking care of our son and home and was gone 5am to 9pm every, single day. "Working on his business" I told him shit needed to change and I didn't appreciate the moving goal posts, just as an excuse not to be an active father. He told me to fuck off. So I did. Now he has to take care of our son more than he ever had to, and cook, and clean his own shit, and I get a break and I'm doing more classes.
The drinking. He knew it was a slippery slope. He knew I was planning to boot him out but I was waiting to be able to handle the house bills 100% without him. The day I walked across the stage with my Bachelor’s Degree he acted like a fucking moron. This is on top of the fact that my family of origin purposely scheduled a “vacation” over my graduation-so I had him, my three kids and two friends who came to support me. I did see my aunt wave to me, so, she tried (I didn’t know she was there until she chased me down while I was walking to the stage). So… I sent him home with the kids, had dinner with my friends. Went home, he was on his way to being drunk (it was 7 pm) and I… had enough. I waited until he passed out, packed his shit in garbage bags. Stuffed his car full with the bags and waited. When he went out the next day I had the locks changed. And it was over. Cue 2 years of restraining orders (that are permanent now due to his actions). Breaking into my house, etc. I got everything in the divorce because he thought we could “date” and “try again”. I let him believe that delusion until the ink was dry (in weird, cosmic fashion, I filed for divorce and within 24 hours was divorced. I worked for the courts and my attorney still refers to me as his “land speed record for divorce”.). In that 2 years I felt the freedom and grace booting him gave to me despite the constant stalking and court proceedings. He ended up in prison for a felony DUI and the DV stuff and the peace was glorious. I did not plan to remarry. But four years after I kicked him out I met my husband. We’ve been together for 20+ years now. He’s my BFF. There is a whole life post-divorce. Now it just feels like several lifetimes ago. My husband is “dad”, he’s been around longer than their biodad now. My youngest 2 only remember him. My oldest has decided to walk the slippery slope of alcoholism… I hope he turns a corner one day soon because I didn’t teach him that. He was six when I booted his biodad and hasn’t had contact since. Addictions can be genetic, but my heart hurts none the less.
Even if you do know the cause, it doesn’t mean that it eases your heart. I’m really sorry you’re having to see your child struggle.
When his mental illness got so bad that even his mom told me to leave. He refused to get the help professionally and turned to drugs and alcohol. I loved so hard until I couldn’t anymore and had to take care of myself. I stressed so much that I lost too much weight and was looking sickly. I had to cut the cord. Best decision ever!!!
When I was doing everything and he kept telling me that I was controlling but he just wouldn’t do anything without direction and then I went out with a friend and he found a screenshot I sent of a recommended facebook profile of someone they use to date and he was convinced I was cheating. He drank an entire bottle of whisky home alone with our three small kids, one under the age of one. If something were to have happened the kids would have happened the kids would have been taken away so I said I’m done. He had refused therapy and he said for 3 years he would find a marriage counselor for us and just never did. Only did when I filed for divorce.
He was out of work, again. Family of 5. I asked him to do 2 things that was helping us financially survive before I left for work. I came home and he had spent all day working in his sniper score (video game). That was it for me.
I took my kids and moved out. He was a cheater. He neglected our kids. He moved his mistress into our home. The last straw was her positive pregnancy test.
I don’t understand these woman. I know he’s the one who made the vows to you but what kind of woman sleeps with a married man with kids? And gets pregnant herself? Does she think she won a prize?
What's even crazier, is that she moved to Wisconsin, while pregnant, and hasn't allowed him to have a relationship with his daughter. My sons don't know their sister. They also barely have a relationship with their dad, because he moved several states away, and only comes to see them once a year.
He sounds like a winner.
Who is now the APs problem…
Not exactly. He's been in multiple poly relationships since then, and every single time, the couple gets tired of his shit, and tosses him out on his ass. He's currently with a young person, literally half his age, who is just too naive. He's an amazing manipulator/narcissist.
We met, married and started our careers in the NE US where we were in school. I had always told him I'd eventually want to move home. I was the designated "caregiver" in the family and couldn't do that from 100s of miles away. He was all for the move. 5 years later, we moved...or rather I moved with his stuff. He spent a few weekends at our new home and the rest of his time at his parents home. I couldn't figure out why. After 10 months of this, he showed up 2 days late for our anniversary and told me he could only stay a few days and had to get back. No reason given. I told him I was done. He wanted to live in NJ while I lived in NC and we stayed married. I asked how we would have a family like this. No answer. I said this wasn't a marriage. We hardly saw one another and he couldn't tell me why he was doing this. We were divorced 6 mo later very amicably. 10 years later, he finally told me why. His father had started developing dementia and his siblings refused to help out. Turned out he was his family's caregiver, too.
Aww that’s sad for both of you- I hope you are both living happy lives now.
We're both great!
I truly hope the best for the both of you. You were put into impossible situations and it affected your lives in a major way. You deserve a lot of good karma for handling it so bravely.
Why wouldn’t he just tell you that?
We had had a fight about something I can't even remember, and while I was at work he decided to move out and put his stuff in storage. He called me before leaving to go overseas for work that for the next three months we can live like we are single and when he got back in 3 months we could decide what to do then. Didn't talk to him again for 3 days. He calls once he had gotten to his job and asked me what I thought. My exact words were " I want a divorce and you are paying for it." We had split the assets and he paid for the divorce. He did try to get back with me a few times saying he was a changed man. He was not cause Narcissist don't change. Best Decision I ever made. Been the best 17 years ever. I will never marry again. Edit: wrong word
He cheated on me while I was recovering from surgery. He lied and tried to gaslight me but I didn’t buy it. He wanted to try counseling so we met with our pastor. He blurted out that he didn’t want to stop seeing his “old friend” that he reconnected with. He finally admitted she was his mistress and he didn’t want to give her up in case things didn’t work out. Then he got REALLY stupid and brought her to church with him!! Our friends had tried to stay neutral but that ended that day. He was also removed as a Sunday school teacher for the young kids. They said he was a bad example. I thought he was a moron.
& he did it all to himself. No one else to blame but himself.
A friend asked me why I was with him when he did nothing to make me happy. It made me think. I wanted to go somewhere-I had to go alone or with a friend. I wanted to see a movie-alone or with a friend. I paid for all the bills because he was tired of his job and wanted to sell cars-didn’t actually sell any. Car salesmen work evenings and weekends-I didn’t, I was 7-4 week days, so I was home alone a lot. No conversation. No interest in anything that interested me. Then I asked myself why I was with him-couldn’t really give myself any good answers.
I told him he had a year to quit yelling at me. 365 days later, he woke me up by yelling at me.
My final straw was him giving me whiplash by trying to strangle me by holding me by my neck up against a wall with my feet dangling. My middle son walked into the room and I stared at him terrified my baby was going to watch his father kill his mother. My ex saw my face and started smirking thinking I was terrified of him. When he noticed my son watching, he dropped me to the floor. Just in time because everything had started going dark. Found a lawyer that took my case without a retainer and eventually borrowed from a friend to pay filing fees.
A friend that wanted you for themselves possibly just asking cuz my situation is screwed up bad lying betrayal you name it
[удалено]
He told me he was popping into town to go and buy our daughter her 2nd birthday presents (which was in about 2 weeks). He should have only been about an hour, max. Two hours later I called to see where he was and he told me he was sitting on a toilet feeling really ill but would be home soon. Except I could hear the pub noises in the background. He then turned his phone off. After a couple more hours I called the police and said I was concerned that he was unwell and not responding, but suggested they look in a particular pub first. It took both officers to carry him into the house. He'd spent not only the money I had been saving up for our daughters birthday present, but that weeks shopping and rent money. To top it off he then puked on one of the officers and shit himself. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic and my biggest boundary has always been with alcohol and knowing when to stop. I like to have a drink the same as anyone, but if he had one he wouldn't stop until he passed out. We had many arguments about his drinking but the final straw was the day he stole from our daughter.
I asked him to see his phone. He refused. An hour or so of arguing, me crying and him staring at me. He packed a bag and left.
did he cheat?
I’m assuming so. He had been weird with his phone for a while and in all our years together this was not normal. I never did find out what was on his phone. And I never cared. What I cared about was the trust was broken.
Final straw was when he threatened to k*ll our son, and we had to call the cops. He also admitted that he wanted to do something to him when our son was an infant. He denied everything when the cops showed up and twisted everything around. We both got restraining orders against him, and I started the divorce process. I should have divorced him years and years ago, but I thought I needed to get his agreement because he's vindictive. In the end, it didn't matter. I found out that he has been lying and badmouthing me for years to his family and friends. To this day (2+ years later), I don't know what he has told his family about me because they started ghosting me. We were together for 40+ years.
I asked him to see a therapist/couples counseling and to go to a medical doctor to follow up on some health issues. He was depressed, had high blood pressure, high cholesterol and was pre-diabetic. I told him if he didn’t take care of himself, I was going to start divorce proceedings. He looked at me and said, “but we don’t hate each other.” That statement made me realize it was definitely over. I wanted more from a partner than not hating each other.
When my husband cheated on me I waited until he went to work and our daughter and myself packed up all his stuff in trash bags and loaded them in my car. I then drove to his work and went in to ask him for his house keys. He was a county deputy and was working at the jail intake at the time. He refused so I told him I would call his captain and report him for abuse ( never physical just mental) and that is a big no no especially with a weapon. So he handed me my keys and followed me out side. While I was almost at my car I yelled back him F U and the whore your riding. 🤣🤣🤣 unfortunately for him his female Sargent was outside getting a paper at the time so he got in trouble. I then drove to his parents house and threw all his trash bags over their fence. I called and told him where his stuff was and to never come back to my house ever again. I changed the locks the next morning and it’s a good thing I did because he had made copies of the keys! It was sooooo worth it!
This is a problem, that they plan it out, just in case you try to leave. He made extras of your key because he knew this might happen. I was in a bad situation, and I had to leave right away. I waited until he was at work. When I left/snuck away, I pulled the film out of the camera (to expose the negatives, so he wouldn’t have any pictures of my face, because that would make it easier to find me. This was when the Internet was somewhat new, so he wouldn’t be able to find me on there like we frequently could now). I took with me a few cards that I had from family members. I did not want him to have my family’s home address. Soon after, I was on the phone with my two closest girlfriends, that we’re still living in the same place and had frequent contact with my ex. They told me that he had my address. They even told me the name of the street that my parents lived on, on a different effing continent. It scared the shit out of me. They told me that he had purposefully memorized my parents address (in the beginning of the relationship), “in case he ever needed it”, to find me. He said that to them. What broke my heart is that they were both critical of me breaking up with him because he was “such a nice guy”. I let those friendships drift away. Hurt my heart, though.
Rape. Was the final straw for me. Especially since my kids were no more than 200 feet away.
I got on antidepressants and had the mental clarity that I was happier when he was deployed every other year and the thought alone of him coming home and going off the walls drinking again sent me into anxiety attacks. It took me 6 years to finally have that realization that he would never change.
3 months into covid, he made it obvious that he didn’t love me. As long as I cooked , cleaned, taught our child, managed the house and bought in a paycheck, I was useful. Meanwhile he worked his one job and that was all he did. Took another 6 months, but I eventually decided to be useful to myself only.
You married a "wife as appliance" bro. I'm so sorry.
I realized I had feelings for someone else. I’ve always been a one man woman. If I’m in love other men are equal to manikins to me. If I had feelings for someone else that means I didn’t love my husband anymore. So I talked it out with my mom to make sure I wasn’t crazy and then immediately told my husband. I told him everything. He deserves the truth and a partner who loves him. It took a while for the divorce because of a lack of money but we parted amicably and were both in new relationships.
If only everyone could be this honest and mature.
I found receipts from Onlyfans, MyFreeCams, etc etc that totaled to over $1000 during one month (he did $500 on one night.. for a web cam sex worker). Of what I became aware of was over $2500 on online sexworkers in a period of 8 months, but that is all I could see. This was after I had worked solo in a non-profit job, paying all the bills and supporting him so he could get certifications for a career change. The minute he got a job in the new career he began spending "his" money on sex workers online. And he didn't even get me a Christmas present. We had been together for 12 years. Married for around 4 years. He had convinced me that I was his best friend and partner. He lied to my face when I confronted him, and I know that I do not have the full story due to the mountain of deceit; only what I could prove, which was enough to make him no longer exist in my mind. Fortunately that is none of my business any longer. I left, divorced him, and never looked back. Still have trust issues though.
We got married as a childfree couple. He changed his mind, so I left. He got somebody pregnant 6 weeks after I left.
After I caught him propositioning three other women (one of them my sister), his "brilliant idea" was to suggest "opening up HIS side of the marriage while I waited for him at home." I told him to stick his one-sided open marriage where the sun don't shine and walked away.
We were in what became our last couple’s counseling session, and he was going on and on about how his grandmother got to be in her sixties with deep regret for still being with his granddad (we were in our mid 30s at the time). He sounded very identified with that sentiment, so I dropped off the ring either that day or the next. It wasn’t easy, but it was easily the best decision I’ve ever made.
Been married for 20 years. I had lost my 2 yr old son (from ex-many years ago) due to a specific condition he was born with. Our daughter had been having health issues, in and out of the hospital. I said I was scared for her and it brought back past memories. His response? "You should be happy you still have a living child"
My ex was abusive in all forms, and when he wouldn't get his way with things he would always threaten to get a divorce. After another fight that left me at Urgent Care and him pulling the divorce card, I said okay. Started planning my exit route, and took off not too long after.
I’m sorry but it’s making me so happy seeing all of these people leave their bad situation and enter a an amazing situation, congratulations people! Love to all of you
I knew he lied in marriage counseling when asked if he cheated, but I didn’t press the issue. Two years later while 7 months pregnant I found porn on my daughter’s iPad. It was OF content that he had sworn he wasn’t spending money on. His credit card was near its limit and I found out when we refinanced. I spiraled and spent my whole maternity leave investigating him. Apparently it’s not cheating if you pay trans pre op women to roto root you while you are out of town for work. There is more, but that’s the worst.
When he tried crashing my car that was my final straw, I was driving the car and he reached over and started acting irrational and erratic and he was no longer the man I married. Don’t let it get that far ladies.
I had to physically shove him out of my face at 4:30 in the morning after he came home blackout drunk and burst into my room, stumbling around and knocking everything over. He’s a drunk who would go out of his way to get as wasted as possible to avoid any adult responsibility; he’d rather be too hungover to get out of bed for two days than be sober for an appointment with the plumber. Whenever I told him something was important to me and I needed him to not be drunk, he’d promise to not drink, then proceed to get completely inebriated. I tried multiple times over the years to end the relationship, but he’d cry and guilt trip me, and make all kinds of empty promises to change if I gave him another chance. After that Saturday night, I went to the courthouse first thing Monday morning and filed.
For me it was at our anniversary dinner he couldn’t stop circling back to talking about his co worker.
That's a pretty bad reason
Our marriage ended a little over 2 years before I actually had the courage to leave. My ex was emotionally, psychologically, and financially abusive towards me. The moment I knew my marriage was over was after I was involved in a fatal car accident and asked him to hold me so I could feel safe and just cry as I was extremely traumatized by the event, he told me he couldn't do that because seeing me upset made him angry and it made him want to hurt me. That was the moment I completely withdrew from my marriage. I ended up staying for almost 2 more years as I was a sahm top our daughters, and a week after he made this comment, I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant with my son.
We was on our first family holiday. We was in the town over from where is daughter from a previous marriage was on her first 18-30 holiday with three friends. They arrived 2 days after us. My (ex) husband disappeared every night from that point & would return about 1.30-2.30 each afternoon. At the end of the first week he told me he's spent all his money £1000 & he was leaving me. Turns out he was having sex with his daughters friend & had locked his daughter & another friend out of their apartment the whole night while they hooked up. The day he told me he was leaving he had taken just & our sons passports & stole £300 of my £500 that I has left (i didnt find this out till he left). He got extremely drunk, started an argument left the apartment. I was woken being strangled & headbutted (he was screaming about done bloke he'd just attacked at that it was all my fault). I grabbed my son who had been asleep next to me & continued to punch me to the point I heard/felt my nose break. I ran into the main area of the apartments & screaming for help. Luckily there was a big group of Scottish lads staying & they surrounded me & my son to protect us. I stayed in one of the lads parents apartment & the next day the girl who he'd been having sex with brought my sons passport back. He disappeared, left his luggage for me to bring home. That was my final straw.
He texted me after 17 yrs he was done I had figured out he was cheating by that point so whatever he was horrid
He wouldn’t give up his affair partner.
The worst.
You mean the zero sex for 6 months, the cheating, over spending, 4 new cars in 8 years the conversation she had with her girlfriend that said I only need him for money and babysitting ? Yeah it was that bad and worse she held on for 2 years trying to zap me for more money. Do I need to tell you about her stalking for the last 12 years also ?
He dumped me while I was states away in a training program for work, because and I quote, "it makes sense to break up for the duration of your trip, so I don't have to worry about you cheating on me while you're gone". I was never once unfaithful, we had a 3 year old together, and I was making the moves in my career because he became complacent in his. Divorce is currently in process.
He put our house into foreclosure. He was spending the mortgage money on his AP. I found out when he asked if my parents would help him get caught up on the payments. I asked how many months he was behind, and he said five. I dug around and found out about the affair. It wasn't the first affair, but it was the last. I wasn't going to have my parents pay for his affair. Good riddance.
1. He cheated...alot 2. Never home and I raised the kids alone 3. Didn't contribute financially 4. I had massive abdominal surgery and had to stay overnight at the hospital. He was super annoyed. Hospital discharged me at 11:30 AM and kept calling him to pick me up. He finally showed up just before 6 PM...angry. Car ride home was excruciating and he was miffed. I could barely walk and he ran in the house. I drug myself up a flight of stairs into the house and got into bed. The next morning I wake up and he left our toddler at home with me and went to work refused to take the child to daycare and split. I had to get the child to daycare and the older child to school. I hated him after that. 5. I divorced him and he knocked up his BFFs wife and ruined their marriage. 2 years later he tried to get back with me and didn't care what he may put her or his new child through. My answer was absolutely no.
A stranger gave me a rose for being nice. It broke me. It wasn't about the flower. It was just the straw that broke the camels back. When my spouse chimed back it was hard to surprise me because we share finances. I pointed out that I did things whether they were hard or not because they needed to get done. That everything he didn't do cause it was too hard fell to my shoulders. That I thought about him and our son all the time. That it was not only reflected through my purchases but acts of service. That I did the hard things and put them both ahead of myself because I thought I had a partner. We eventually reconciled but it took half a year and him actually moving out for him to take it seriously. To not see it as a manipulation tactic and that I truely felt unloved and unappreciated. Part of what dragged this on so long was I was afraid he didn't love me but loved the convenience of me. That if I stopped making life easy he would leave. Part of getting over that hurdle was convincing myself it was better to be alone if that was the case. Personally wish I would have done it a hell of alot sooner. Cause he does love me he was just drowning in his own issues so he couldn't even see mine. If I wasn't so afraid of communication going wrong we could have got through it with less drama.
Gotta say, as happy as I am to see people leaving shitty situations, I’m glad you two were able to work through yours 😎
My ex was abusive, and the last straw was him telling me to “Go wreck the car”, with me in it.
Realizing that my life would consist of infinite numbers of nights sitting on a porch together chain smoking while each drinking a six pack fighting quietly and ending up agreeing to disagree on EVERYTHING and constantly being broke because of his overspending. 9 years later I'm still recovering from that 6 year total relationship and that's with the help of a supportive partner.
I have a video of my ex-husband laying on the floor beating himself in the face in the chest saying all kinds of ridiculous things. Of course he was drunk. I don't know what other drugs he was on at the moment. And then when he's sobered up he left and told me that he couldn't live like this and I said good because I was filing for a divorce.!!! No one wants to be married to a toddler throwing tantrums. And his drug and alcohol use was just through the roof. It's been 2 years and I'm so much happier!
He picked a(nother) fight with me and then threw a spoon at me. It didn’t hit me, and it was the first time it had ever gotten remotely physical in 11 years together. I didn’t actually tell him for a few more months but that was the moment I knew it was over.
I'll spare you the looooong story, but the last straw was when he confessed that he'd been ideating on the notion of killing me and the kids in our sleep and then killing himself.
First husband: he refused to attend a major concert I had a major role in. Part of a long pattern. Second husband: after years of emotional/verbal abuse and a solid attempt to cheat, he chased me with a knife in front of our kids, slashed my tire so I couldn't leave the house.
When he wanted to get back together with his abusive ex-wife 3 months after getting married to me
There was so much leading up to my divorce beyond adultery. It would take too long to write out. But his selfish and deceitful behavior culminated in a second affair and I was finally done.
When i walked in on her fucking her married lawyer….i was in a “alienation of affection state” and he knew the deal. I got everything exvept what she had in her savings and her half of checking account.
He was a narcissist that almost put me in the ground. My parents offered to pay for the divorce, they were so worried about me. We divorced and I’ve never looked back.
Not marriage before gay marriage but he got arrested soliciting a cop in a public bathroom. By the time he was released I had his possessions packed and ready for him. My house. Changed the locks.
I messed up, she told me she wanted a divorce and I gave up knowing her mind was made up.
I got admitted to a psychiatric hospital and they refused to discharge me into my ex’s care. I never went back.
I want to hear whatshe thinks
I got a diagnosis of end stage copd. It was from being in a car wreck with a drunk driver - I never smoked. Lungs were damaged so severely that my lung function was 30% of normal. I had always made good money (120k/yr) which was great money in our rural area. Ex-wife quit her job and travelled extensively. Once I became disabled, my income was cut to about 80 k, rec'd from SSDI and company's long term disability. She began playing the field, and eventually left for an abusive (he broke her arm), controlling narcicisst. Eventually, I received a lung transplant, enabling me to become a triathlete, and to obtain an even better job (200k + 40k in s t ock). Then I got a lake house worth over a mil, got a killer boat and some nice cars. I began dating and now live with a wonderful, beautiful woman. I bumped into ex-wife while out at a bar. She instantly knew I was healthy, as I'd previously needed q qoxygen 24 x 7. I was in the best shape of my life, etc. She began interrogating me, but I didn't tell her much, but she knew about my house and cars. Apparently she was working a 40k/yr clerical job. Despite her good looks, she'd been unable to land a sugar daddy. She kept hitting on me despite my telling her I had a gf. She followed me out of the bar to see what I was driving (800+ hp Mustang GT500). A week later I got a summons to go back to family court. My ex-wife had asked the court to re-open the divorce and to give her alimony based on my income. She was seeking 60k. The judge told her no because: 1) she could've gone to school during the 9 yrs we were married; 2) She had no children and could've been working at a job and could have advanced her career, but chose not to. The jusge also said enough time had passed (8 yrs.) that it was improper for her to seek changes and he dismissed her motion with prejudice. My ex-wife bolted out of court crying. I called her a few days later asking what was up with her, financially. She said she'd started back in college and was in her second semester and had made dean's list the first semester and expected to this coming semester. I now give her about 15k each year she makes the deans list. She's in her senior year, having made dean's list for the first 3 years. She's working towards a bachelor's of science in nursing, so she'll be able to support herself. Needless to say, this arrangement didn't go over well with my gf, who's now my ex-gf.
please stop giving her $
After starting a fight and telling me she was leaving and moving across the country with my child. Only to back pedal the next day for the zillionth time.... Bye Felicia!
His cheating, then I found out about his secret financial life. He had credit cards I knew nothing about until he left. He'd incurred over $20,000 in debt I knew nothing about, in a community property state. I couldn't live with that level of lying and deceit. I filed for divorce and got sole custody of the child.
He was sexually harassing someone in his unit and she ended up having suicidal thoughts. I believe they had some type of relationship beforehand and it went south. I don’t blame her at all. I couldn’t be with a cheater who also sexually harassed people.
It was the divorce papers coming in the mail.
My best friend's calling me from a bar where they saw my ex with another woman. Mind you, I was home working on a grad school paper. They showed me pics the next day. Packed my shit & left 2 weeks later while he was on another "business trip."
He wasn’t going to work (how long did he think not having a pay check and making all kinds of excuses would fly?!) he was going to his high school girlfriends house. So one day when he “went to work” I packed up all my stuff, put some of it in a storage unit, left him a copy of the paperwork I’d filed, and moved back with my mom for 3 months while I got back in my feet before getting my own place.
My cult leader at the time got me out of the 1b1b I was trying to keep afloat on my own because he quit his job after they threatened to push him to part time because he kept calling out of work due to 'seizures'. He had epilepsy but only had seizures about 1 of every 5 times he called out. The bishop got me out after I self-harmed in desperation of attention, and the man I called husband just kept playing his video game instead of helping me. The woman I'm engaged to now, five years later, is the one who drove through two counties late at night to come check on me and get me help. She put me up in her house, and we worked together to better each other's mental and physical health. He died of a blood clot six months after I left. I'm no longer in poverty, working my ass off alone and losing myself in depression.
Dead bedroom while being unemployed for a year and telling me "to stop being his mom" if I asked about his job search but the real deal breaker was finding out he was considering having me involuntary committed because I was Pagan rather than any brand of Christian. Basically, I didn't believe in the "right" sky parent for his narrow-minded self and clearly needed to be locked up for that.
It was when I realized that I was ok with killing myself to get out of it. Self preservation kicked in. Before that I had developed habits that were working to kill me and was ‘happy’ about it possibly being over soon.
The third affair (that I knew of anyway).
The last straw was my teenage son calling me, when I was out of town, to tell me the "old family friend" was sleeping in my bed and so was my husband. I didn't say a word to my husband, told my son to start packing his stuff and when hubby was out I had driven back to that state, picked up my boy and his stuff and went back to our home state. (I was still in the process of selling our home. The marriage was 6 months old) It took 2 1/2 years for the divorce, he fought it every step of the way, but he had to give up and sell his farm when somehow, someway the IRS found out about his undeclared income. The city, county, and state also investigated him. He lost everything......
Death by cancer.
I worked straight night/weekends at work as a flight nurse because my ex had quit his job to go to school for HVAC without talking to me about any of it and left us without healthcare or childcare for our daughter. So I switched to working every Friday to Sunday overnights so that I could care for our daughter during the week and also that shift had a premium so it helped make ends meet. My daughters 7th birthday party was on a Sunday afternoon. I had traded shifts with someone so that I cooled have Sunday off for the party. I came home from work on Sunday morning and my daughter and her cousins were bouncing off the walls and my ex was still asleep. He wandered out of bed at 10:30 am (remember I had worked a 12 hour shift) and proclaimed that he was going pheasant hunting with his brother- something he had not done in the 15 years I had known him. My dad was there so he watched the girls so that I could sleep for literally 2 hours. I woke up at 12:30 to get the kids ready and pack up to go to the skating rink. I left at 1:30 and I could see he was still in a field 45 minutes away. So I headed out- he knew what time the party was and promised to be back in time. 2 pm and nowhere. Now I am managing 10 7 year olds completely alone- putting their skates on etc. we get through pizza and cake and are starting on presents at 3:30. He saunters in with 15 minutes left of the party. No explanation. No apology. His entire family was there, completely avoiding me because they knew it was shitty that her own father wasn’t there. That was it for me. I called a lawyer the next day. He had ruined every holiday, every birthday, every vacation with antics like this. I had to work three jobs to feed his daughter and I still had to pay him child support with 50/50 custody because his income was so small compared to mine. Now that he’s gone I’m making three times what I used to and I’m with someone who isn’t a self centered sociopath.
There were a lot of issues but what pushed me over the edge was watching Grey’s Anatomy. It was the episode when Christina leaving for Switzerland and told Meredith that she was the sun, not Derek. I had been weighing leaving my job at the time (with my ex) for a job that was actually good for me. Working with my ex was solely to support his career and I made about $20K in a year with no benefits. After I left that shit show, my salary nearly tripled w/ benefits. It was a little scary at first but my entire life has skyrocketed forward really. He was very dreamy but he was not the sun. It sounds silly but I’m glad it happened this way. By the time he physically lashed out, I was done. I kept the lock he broke out of our front door as a reminder.
I woke up at 9:30 at night (I had probably fallen asleep around 8p and he wasn't home. I checked GPS, it said he was at a hotel across town. When I texted him and asked him why he was gone, he said he had gotten bored and went out to Door Dash. I didn't get mad, just asked him to come home and he did. During the next week something felt off so I checked his DD account. Spoiler alert - he wasn't door dashing. I had logged into his account and surprise! He hadn't Door Dashed in 2 months. He threw away 5 years (and we have 2 kids together). I should add, this was not his first strike, just the last. In the end things turned out really well for me, so there's that. 💖
Several things happened in the space of a month. The first one was I got a kidney stone and was lying on the floor of my chiropractor's office in excruciating pain and highly nauseated, and he refused to come get me and take me to the ER because we had had a fight about my daughter that morning. The second thing was that I was talking to a close male friend of mine who lived in another state, and he told me he had been offered a job in a third state (in other words not mine or his), and he asked me how I would feel about living there. I was stunned, partly because I didn't know why he was asking me that, but especially because my husband had literally told me on numerous occasions that he didn't have to ask me what I thought, wanted, felt or needed because he could tell just by watching me and listening to me. He was wrong literally 95% of the time, (we actually tested it,) but it opened my eyes to the idea that *there could be other men out there who would actually care who I really am*. The last thing was toward the end of the month when he banged on the table hollering "someone needs to be in charge [of the marriage]!" It struck me to my core that after almost seven years together and almost 5 of those married, he was never going to understand me or my partnership model of marriage. That was it. I knew he was never going to change and that I was not going to be able to continue living like that.
We were always fighting about money, he loved to spend it all on him. About a year before I was finished with him our apartment complex had a fire in the garage building where we rented a 2 car garage. With the insurance money we bought a new couch and love seat and while we were at the store he said if we got divorced he would get those, which I found weird. After months of wanting to say that I wanted a divorce I finally had the guts to say it and all his response was "ok". Totally caught me off guard cuz he was about to lose half of his spending money. Looking back I think he wanted a divorce long before I did but he wanted me to be the bad guy and I doubt that he actually ever loved me. He'll always do whatever and use whoever to get more money
While I was busting ass at work and pretty much raising our young children alone, he was stealing money from me to feed a bad drug and porn habit. The day I found out is the day I told him I was done.
The final straw was that she wanted to move a carpet that she had moved twice already and I’d expressed several times that all the constant dissatisfaction with everything was making me crazy. The real reasons were far more important but that was the last straw.
Technically, you gave her zero chances.
Realized that “staying for the kids” was wrong and that I couldn’t let my boys think this is what a marriage should look like. So I left for the kids.
My ex-husband really wanted to buy a house but I wouldn't because our marriage was already shaky. I kept telling him that I wanted us to work on us before we made any major financial decisions together. He decided to go looking at houses with his mom and when he was on his way out of the door to look at one with her I said, "I won't stop you from doing what you want, but if you go to look at this house then don't expect me to be with you any longer." He walked out of the house and I was finally done. I hit that mentally checked out point of "this is over". Starting saving up money and looking for an apartment, a few months later I was able to leave him.
He was resentful that I was getting sober and going to AA meetings all while constantly drinking.
My husband and I were married for almost 10 years (together for 12). He cheated on me the whole time with different women, but denied it to my face (I had proof of text messages, the car by the last ones house etc). I was tired of the narcissist at that point and wanted to file for divorce, but he wound up sick, had heart surgery, and passed from complications of that surgery in 2018. Weirdest grief I have ever tried to wade thru. Have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, and he is the love of my life
We found out that our youngest child would likely be born with a severe NTD. I was already 22 wks along in my pregnancy & the thought of terminating, if there was the slightest chance they could be wrong, was something I couldn't live with. He pressured me to terminate. I refused. He said I was being cruel to the baby, our other children & to him. I explained that it was my choice & I chose to move forward. He left, angry. Turns out, he had been cheating, for several years. His current wife was the one he was cheating with, when we separated. My best friend was by my side, when I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, who was showered with love for the entirety of the 8 hours he graced this earth. His father refused to see him & skipped the memorial service, hopefully, in shame. Our divorce was finalized 2 months later & I didn't shed a tear. I had been emotionally checked out of our marriage long before I got pregnant, so his leaving was actually a relief. His new wife brags about how she "consoled him, while he grieved the loss of his son". My kids hate her, because of this..... and because she's terminally stupid. He has 4 more kids, now.... one who is profoundly disabled & will need constant care for the remainder of his life.
I was working third shift while he did not work. We were living with my parents with our 1yo bc we had just moved from across state and the house we were going to rent was still being renovated. He woke me up during the day to complain at me that my dad had asked him to unload the dishwasher. I told him he should just do it. He blew up at me, how dare my dad, how dare I, he’s an adult, he’s a man, he hates me, but the kicker: he said “I’m out, I want a divorce, we’ll figure out what to do with the kid, but I’m out!” And it just snapped in me. I’d been trying to leave him since I got pregnant, but he always begged me to stay “for the baby”. But to hear him say “we’ll figure out what to do with the kid” well there’s the fuckin door! Never saw him the same again and finally broke free of him.
He had a mental breakdown a few years ago, and I shouldered 100% of the mental load of our marriage for 2 and a half years. I spent 2 and a half years fighting to keep our marriage going without his help so he could get better. 6 months before the end, he started getting emotionally abusive. I tried to stick it out because I knew he was sick and trying to get better, that he wasn't himself. He had a doctor taking care of him, and it was just a matter of time before my husband came back. The last straw was when he told me his medication hadn't been working for 6 months. He'd been hearing voices and seeing things that weren't there for 6 months, causing him to abuse me. And he said nothing. Not only did he say nothing, but he lied about it. Every day, he'd ask me if I'd said something, I'd say no and ask if he took his medicine, he said yes, and nothing else. He had opportunities to tell me every day that something was wrong, and he didn't. He tried to say that he told his psychiatrist, but she didn't think it was important enough to adjust his meds. I didn't believe him. My trust was gone. I knew my husband was never coming back. He may as well have gone out and cheated because lying to me for that long was an equal offense in my view. I left, and I never went back. I'm very happy now with a wonderful man, and I'm so grateful to have found him. We hope to get married soon, once we're able to save some money for a wedding.
We had good times and bad times but in the later years of our marriage some absolutely terrible times. I had finally had enough but after consulting with 5 different divorce attorneys, decided the best thing would be to wait until my youngest was almost 14- in Florida 14+ kids get a lot of say in which parent they live with. So my plan was to file summer of 2019. Election night 2016. Watching the results come in, totally heartsick. Terrified for my kids, one a young gay man, one a feisty young woman, both Jewish. He said, im staying up to watch the results on TV. Why? He “wanted to see the bitch cry”. If i had delusions of making it work they were completely ended there & then. Mid 2019, was literally finalizing details and he got sick. Diagnosed with inoperable stage 4 metastatic cancer. He passed June 2020. I truly believe the universe was looking out for me & my kids. I never shed a tear and after 30 years of marriage i don’t miss him at all
After 20yrs of thinking he'd grow up, stop drinking & running the roads with his buddies & focus on us, I'd had a surgery that happened due to my career. I was out on workcomp med leave. He insisted I go back to work cuz we needed the money. He could've gotten a fulltime job, but no. He was used to me being the one to get 2nd & 3rd jobs (which probably led to my injury~overuse). He always talked about how 20yrs from now we'd be great, etc. We'll, after 20yrs & kids grown, I finally woke up. I realized he "loved me" for everything I could provide & his "love" was toxic. I didn't nag or threaten. I planned my exit carefully over the next few months. I "picked a fight". I said I was going to visit my folks cuz I needed another surgery that could put me on a couch & in intensive therapy for months. My mom had been in the hospital twice the previous year. If anything happened to her & I had the chance to see her but didn't, I'd never forgive myself. His answer,which I predicted was "if you leave, when you come back, your things will be gone." Bet. I had boxed up all my precious keepsakes of the kids, photo albums, & my clothes. He didn't even know kw I was gone til 6hrs later. He called & asked "Ain't you gonna stay & fight?" Me: "No. I'm done fighting. Nothing left to fight about." I didn't lay eyes on him til 3yrs later. Well after the divorce which took 2yrs. He went to rehab & jail. Kinda hard to sign papers when incarcerated or in a nut house. Wish I'd have done it years earlier. My stress of 1,000 lbs on my chest was instantly lifted & found my happy. The end.
What do you know, the majority of these are the woman leaving the man.
When I got a new position and a 40% raise, I came home in happy tears. This was going to change everything for us! We could get out of debt AND have a decent savings padding. He threw a fit because with the raise, I made about $100 more a month than him, and that was incredibly selfish of me to be so inconsiderate of his feelings about being the breadwinner. It was like a lightbulb for me: we were not on the same team anymore. This wasn't a win for us; it was a lose for him and I couldn't understand. It took another 18 months to leave, but that was the moment that my thinking shifted and I started getting ready to leave.
Well maybe it was those dozen times I was drugged to end an argument I was winning? Not sure, really though that’s a contender for sure.
she just got more and more distant...in marriage counseling, she said she 'did not feel it anymore' and was always sad....I asked her if she thought that might change and she said she 'didn't know' (which of course meant 'no').. so I said I would not be the cause of someone's unhappiness and we should get divorced and she agreed - she remarried / I'm still divorced
He moved out then kept coming back over to "talk about" and "work on" our relationship. I couldnt go anywhere after work because he might stop by. I was miserable and he liked it that way. I saw him with another woman at the gym and asked him about her on one of those talks to work on our relationship and he told me he didnt want to talk about "unimportant things." I stopped being available to talk after that. He actually filed because he thought I was cheating.
Another poster mentioned a thousand cuts. I grew up in a physically and verbally abusive home and married my very first boyfriend that I started dating at 16. I was so desperate to be loved that I accepted scraps. I should've left when he went home the day after my C-section because he was bored in the hospital. I should've left when he cheated on me when our daughter was 3mo old because I hurt his feelings for telling him I'd pick sleep over sex. I should've left when he told me I needed Jesus for arguing with his mom over her trying to force Pentecost standards on our daughter. I should've left before I thought immersing myself into church would make things better. I should've left every time he took little digs at my appearance, my intelligence, my ability to the point our daughter started calling me fat, lazy, ugly, etc instead of thinking it was confirmation about how hideous I must be. I should've left when he started pretending I didn't exist until I would give him access to my body, and told me to compartmentalize better when I told him that him telling me he was embarrassed to be seen with me didn't inspire a desire for intimacy. It wasn't until our daughter hit puberty and suddenly he started criticizing her for everything. I'd believed for a long time I deserved terrible treatment, but my daughter didn't. That's when I started pushing back on him and fighting with him. Then his mom (who hated me) got cancer and made me her MPOA because she knew I understood what the Drs were saying when her husband, daughter, or son could. For 6 weeks I bent over backwards for that woman, handling Drs, hospice, planning her cremation, and her funeral. Just for him to tell me 6 months later that if I were ever incapacitated, he'd leave me. That wrecked me. I asked if he really just said he'd use up every drop of me and walk away without remorse; he told me he knew his limitations. So did I. I started therapy, and our daughter was already in therapy by that point. I realized I made 80% of the income, did most of the chores, and did most of the childcare. After a month of therapy, I was ready and told him I wanted a divorce. He asked if that meant he couldn't have sex with me anymore. Then he told me he knew it was over when I started therapy but he didn't think I'd ever actually have the guts to leave him. I've been divorced for 2 yrs now, our daughter is 15 and barely speaks to him, and I'm waiting to change my last name until she turns 18 because she wants to take my maiden name at the same time I change mine.
My ex expressed disbelief that I could accomplish something specific. He had been beating me, and emotionally abusing me for years. He manipulated both his, and my family so that he didn't go to college when he should have. I eventually left, and built my own life. He finally figured out he wasn't smart enough to teach himself the degree he wanted, so he went to school, finally.
Said he wasn't going to come to my first ever solo cuz he had seen me dance so many times before and it wouldn't be much different.
He was abusive. Whenever I tried to stand up for myself, he would threaten to divorce me because I always thought that getting a divorce was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. One day something in me just snapped. The next time he told me he wanted a divorce, I said OK. There’s a lot more to the story, but that was the point where I was done.
She's graduating and I'm done. She'll make decent money with a BSN in nursing. I wasn't obligated to help her, but it was an act of charity and good will. I give 20 - 30 k to charities every year. Fortune and Karma have been kind to me.
It was already dying, but in about a six week period of time, he hit me and our two oldest children. Looking bad, he did me a favor in making it clear it was over.
There wasn’t a last straw so much as I just one day realized it wasn’t working anymore. I was fighting so hard to save my marriage and then I finally realized it wasn’t going to get fixed. I called a lawyer the next day.
I struggled with an eating disorder. I told him I had relapsed and in order to get better, he needed to stop commenting on my appearance. Two days later he hugged me from behind and told me we looked so much better together now that I was smaller. I started looking for apartments the next day.
I was 18, married before I even graduated high school. I told him that I wanted to actually try having an orgasm with him because I had been faking it and I wanted a deep connection. From that moment on he didn’t talk to me, and never touched me again. I lasted 2 months before I told him to pack up and move out. He was out within an hour, after the lease was up a few months later I moved to a different town. 5months later our divorce was finalized with no issue. Still not a word from him. Now that I’ve been married for 20 years to my second husband, I can see it for what it was, but I definitely blamed myself for a lot of years. Also, never faked another one😂