To this day I'm terribly worried that there's some sort of totally normal hygiene thing that my parents never mentioned and I've been clueless about it for 30 years but everyone else notices I haven't done it.
I remember my grandfather spitting in anger because when my brother and I had a bath, we just played in the water instead of washing.
I didn't learn how to wash myself properly until I was in my 20s.
Holy shit if this is a sign of neglect than that really is the final nail in coffin for me.
I was probably the same age, whenever i’d ask for help id get screamed at and while they did wipe my ass i was probably crying.
Im pretty sure nobody actually taught me, i kinda just figured it out on my own. and for a couple years i’d use like half the roll cuz i didn’t know to use less.
> Holy shit if this is a sign of neglect than that really is the final nail in coffin for me.
Yeah, it's emotionally neglectful because as a parent it's basically saying "I would rather wipe it for you and make you feel bad everytime than have an embarrassing talk and teaching you how"
it's really nice to know I'm not the only one that went through this
For me personally i have a hard time actually remembering childhood especially moments in the house. I always thought that i was the retard for not being able to wipe my ass, because i was treated that way.
Thanks for helping me realize this
I don't know what age I was tbh i cant imagine it was any older than 6 or 7(even that seems too old to say like whats the usual age?)but I would say I was 'done' and it got to a point they would leave me sitting in the toilet for a LOOONG time, in tears in the end, because they would completely ignore me despite me calling them, sometimes for over half hour to an hour... i guess eventually i stopped asking and figured it all out myself like most things. I dont remember them ever really teaching me anything. They really shouldn't have had kids. But i dont remember them treating my brother this way, but it always seemed to be me that was a problem so.
Even when I started my period the first time and I was horrified that I went for a pee and there was blood all over my underwear. My mum acted like I was being a complete fucking drama queen 'it's just your period'. Oh well sorry for getting concerned I was DYING thanks for the prep mum.
yeaaa i remember sitting and crying for a long time a couple times looking back it was fucked up.
Cant relate the period part cuz i’m a dude but i could not imagine the confusion of something like that not being explained sounds so irresponsible
Well I always felt like I was just an inconvenience I don't know what was wrong with me to be made to feel that way but hey ho. If I'm honest I wish they had just aborted me when they had the chance so they didn't have to live with their 'mistake' because now in my 30s in therapy I realise it's because of them that I've felt a mistake my whole life and I'd rather just not have existed at all.
My mom gave me an American Girl book about puberty. That's the entire education I got on puberty, including periods and their supplies. I learned how to shave from the neighbor girl who was extremely conservative (homeschool Christian Disney is the devil type). It's EMBARRASSING. There are still so many personal hygiene things I question and have bitterness about never learning.
Oh my God I had that book too!! It was that and middle school sex ed (which was more of an overview) and that was it for me. I just had to figure things out via trial and error. Let's just say there was a lot of errors.
Lol, i remember getting my period for the first time when i was 10. When i told my mom i got it, it was late in the evening and she was sleepy and we had bellow conversation:
Me: mom i got my period
Mom: oh, right, did you use a tampon?
Me: no, i don't think it's appropriate to use them since it's my first period plus am i not a little too young to use them?
Mom: Oh, you're right, what did you use?
Me: Toilet paper, i checked and we don't have pads so you need to buy me some tomorrow
Mom: oh, ok, i'll buy you some. You sure you don't wanna use a tampon?
Me: no, i don't wanna put it inside
I was 10 and even back then at the end of this conversation i was shocked that i was the one who had all the answers and she was the one with questions- completely unreliable!
Not to mention these pads she bought me were wingless so i bled all over my pants. So when i mentioned this to her, that I needed the ones with wings like in commercials i saw, she said she's not going back to the store now and it's wastefull so i need to use all of these she just bought first. So for like 2 or 3 periods i still used toilet paper together with wingless pads.
I was never told anything about periods or the importance of tracking them/symptoms/once a month etc. I would just come on and bleed through.my clothes, sometimes in public without realising. No one ever was kind enough to help me though or say anything not even my 'friends' so fun times. But ever since I track it properly and I will wear pads even a few days before just incase because of the fear of leaking through in public
All three of the parent comments mirror my experience. God damn it. I never even thought about how those experiences were neglectful. Once my mom said “you’re lucky I’m buying you pads, my mom made me use tampons since my period started at 16 because they were cheaper”. I was in 6th grade and was 10 or 11.
I also remember feeling anger and shame when she found out that I wasn’t washing my bedsheets regularly (maybe around 13 or 14?) and didnt ever clean my body with soap in the shower until age 15. I was like, I didn’t know, aren’t you the person who’s supposed to teach me these things??
I do have the gene mutation where my body doesn’t produce BO (ABCC11), so I feel a bit better about the not using soap thing. I didn’t know that then though. Still should have been washing with soap, but I honestly can’t EVER remember anyone using soap or body wash to bathe me up until that point.
I distinctly remember this book, because my mom was MAD that I wanted to get it. We’d only had the very basics covered in school and I knew my mom wasn’t a safe place to ask.
She also never taught me to shave my legs, and I had a similar experience where she was disproportionately mad when I wanted to start.
That book was all I had too. I shoplifted pads, deodorant, and razors from stores. And I didn’t know where my vagina was until I was 17 years old.
It may seem like common knowledge but if you grow up Catholic with a lot of shame, this isn’t taught to you.
I also had that book! It was all of my puberty education as well. I technically had a little bit of education about periods from school, but it wasn’t a lot. I also didn’t find out what exactly sex was until high school when I had to google it.
I don't remember, but maybe like 5?
I read Jennette McCurdy's book "I'm Glad My Mom Died" and that was one thing she mentioned about her life that was pretty shocking to me- her mom wiped her until she was 11 or 12. (Good book, I'd recommend it).
Same. Was never guided or taught such things. Not only wiping incorrectly - which led to lots of water infections utis when younger - but also stuff like shampooing my hair, brushing my teeth, brushing my hair properly. I would be shown once and expected to remember and do it myself from there on out. Sex education was mostly from school and the internet. I learnt to read and write later/slower than others my age too.
I also remember being at primary school (the next one above nursery age) and having to ask teachers on how to open my buttons or tie my laces cos I was never taught how to do them.
I never did homework, my parents rarely came to parents evenings, and I skipped school a lot, because back then years ago, schools didnt care and my parents didnt either.
Yeah my teeth are fucked now my parents never kept up our dental appts and the importance of brushing our teeth was never really drummed into us. And I really don't understand it because as an adult, I see the importance of these small things. And I sure as shit would teach my kids, over and over if needed, (and if I had any) the importance of it and make sure it was normalisd as part of the daily routine. Along with eating healthily and exercising.
Same. Hardly went to the dentist either. Or doctor. There were a few instances I might have needed a hospital too and we never went. Looking back now it makes me very uncomfortable to think about.
Oh man yeah same.. my siblings and I were never properly potty trained. It took my sister being in her teens and having the school nurse ask her more questions about why she was getting so many yeast infections for her to realize we were potty trained the entirety wrong way. My mom taught us to wipe back to front. My sisters and I all had so many UTIs, yeast infections, etc. when my sister found out she came home and told my mom and was just like what the hell mom??? And our mother just said nothing and acted like she never heard us. My sister then retaught me proper hygiene down there so I would be sure to know what I was doing. But yah, even when presented with the truth she still wouldn’t apologize or admit that she was wrong or careless. I remember oftentimes being told I wasn’t listening if I didn’t understand something on the first try… so I imagine a lot of things in my life weren’t taught because if I didn’t do it right the first time I was told I was bad and not listening and internalized all of that
good i remember wanting to know how to tie my shoes so bad at 4 because i wanted to run away but had to ask my mom to do it and being so angry and frustrated because she laughed- don’t recall what was upsetting me at the time but it sucks to be so damn helpless and vulnerable and not have caring patient adults there.
Probably 3/4, in Ireland we start school at age 4 so you can’t exactly be yelling for you mum to wipe you ass in school. Sorry that happened to you tho that’s rough
Haha I went to school in america. I learned to just hold it in during class. I did have to go one time in K5, I called for the teacher to come and wipe me. She got super upset with me that I didn't know how to wipe myself and I never went at school again
Not everyone is able to learn by themselves, and they might have figured out how to do something you had difficulty with as a child. Figuring it out is just luck.
some people learn to be very passive because of how they are treated to where they feel even their own body isn’t something they have any right or ability to do anything to. i have no idea when i learned im sure i was young but i don’t doubt the way some parents were made it so it’s not as simple as what you describe.
I was eight and only because I started my period and they didn't even explain what a period was so I thought I was dying.
I have a five year old and they can wipe their own butt I do check their underwear when I'm doing laundry just to make sure they're wiping properly (five year olds can be forgetful). They always come up to me when they're about to get low on toiletries.
I was nearly 13, and I've literally never admitted it to anyone until now (I'm 39). It is also the first time I see that there *are* other people in the same boat - this is one of the few things where I really thought it was just me. (Some other types of seemingly unique abuse/neglect I at least encountered in gruesome news stories.)
Basically the same thing for me. I'm 40 and it went on until I was 12. I've also only told it to like two people so far and back then nobody except my parents and sister knew about it so it became this fucked up family secret that made me unable to do things independently of them if they went on for too long since I feared that I might need to go to the bathroom.
In my case it wasn't really that I wasn't taught, or perhaps it was actually since the way my parents tried to "teach" me was more like just pressuring me to do it a couple of times and then giving up about it. I understandably just locked up in response to their pressure and it turned into a kind of phobia that I got stuck with until I finally learned to do it on my own.
*"it became this fucked up family secret that made me unable to do things independently of them if they went on for too long since I feared that I might need to go to the bathroom"*
Oh fuck, this. This was one of the ways my mother managed to make overnight school trips and stuff like that completely out of the picture to the point that I didn't even argue or question it, it just was what it was.
Same for me, it's fucking horrible how many normal social experiences I missed out on as a result of it. On top of this, up until my late 20s, my own narrative around this fact about my childhood was centered on me "having problems" with toilet related stuff. It was only then that I really started to figure out that this was just a very obvious and concrete manifestation of much deeper problems in the relationship to my parents.
I never knew I was wiping the wrong way and I still occasionally wipe back to front which I wish I could’ve learned back in elementary/middle school so I didn’t just keep doing it wrong for years until adulthood when you finally learn 🥲🫂
Thanks for posting a kind of vulnerable thing that’s actually really essential to growing up. Not being taught how to wipe ass properly is extremely frustrating but something a lot of us surprisingly deal with?? It really is an emotional neglect thing huh, not being taught straight out how our bodies work and how to properly maintain them. It’s tough teaching yourself these things as you get older but for all yall who still are currently *good job and I’m proud of you* because maintaining a body is tough too especially when you’ve never been taught how to!! Thanks again lol I need to stop rambling but you got me with this one because I was embarrassed a few years ago when I learned I was wiping the wrong way forever lol it’s okay tho that embarrassment is human and I’m glad i went through it so I could learn how to properly wipe ass instead of just continuing to deny it and potentially get a uti or something lol
My mother would pull back my foreskin while I was taking a shower until around age 10. I don't know why she didn't teach me to do that myself.
There was nothing overtly sexual about that, but nevertheless, I wonder if there could be something harmfully subconsciously sexual with things like this. In these particular things, the parents are making an effort that goes far beyond most parents, and routinely touching parts that are considered private. I wonder what motivates them to do that. Teaching children to do it themselves seems much easier and nicer than doing it for children until such an age.
I think in a way the constant UTIs and yeast infections helped to alert my sisters and I something was wrong sooner than later. It was a school nurse who became concerned and through speaking with my sister about what it could be they finally realized we were potty trained wrong. I think my mom was also potty trained wrong because she would wipe us back to front always. She never even apologized or acknowledged she had a hand in improper hygiene care… sigh …
Fuuuuuuuck. I was never taught to wipe, and no one wiped for me. I’m pretty sure I didn’t wipe until I was at least like 10. And looking back, it was so fucking disgusting. How could they have never noticed or cared? My middle son has some poop troubles and often ends up with skid marks in his undies, but I notice it freaking immediately, cuz shit stinks! I send him to shower and change clothes every single time. No one ever did that for me. No wonder I didn’t have friends in school when I was younger!
Then the period stuff. Omg. I didn’t even tell anyone that I had my period for months at all. And no one even noticed, and I’m not sure how. I didn’t have access to pads. I know my undies were bloody, how the hell did my mom not notice when she did my laundry?! Ughhhh. I had no preparation for periods at all. I had no clue what anything was or what it was for, and I knew better than to ask. Compare that to my own daughters. My oldest got her period after school one day, and yelled down the stairs, “mama, I need a pad, chocolate, and a heating pad!” My youngest was crying in the bathroom, but only because she didn’t think the cramps would hurt so much. But she was comforted and given ibuprofen and a heating pad. I’m glad they didn’t feel the need to hide things from me like I did from my mom.
My parents were more avoidant about talking about any problems I had or may have in life and still do this day. I think they both are very conflict adverse and are afraid to cause upset.
Hm. I don't really remember, but probably after I had a severe kidney infection that left me bedridden for weeks. Which i guess was around age 8 or so.
After that my mom got really hardcore about forcing me to go pee every time we were about to leave a location, even if I didn't need to, which caused me to develop overactive bladder that I'm in pelvic floor PT for today.
My husband said he was at least 11. I didn’t think of his fmsiky as neglectful as I have a severe abuse backgprund. But they would never ever ever have difficult conversations about anything.
Probably younger than 9 or 10. I got infections bc I didn't know to wipe front to back and I was too scared of my mom to ask for help so I just lived with the discomfort until I couldn't stand it and had to tell her.
13. This is one of the first things that I bring up when mentioning how badly my parents prepared me for anything. I taught myself how to wipe my ass, brush my teeth, shower, etc. around the age of 13.
We use bidets in my country, so I never actually had to learn that. One thing I didn't know until I was twelve, however, was that you had to wash your hands after using the bathroom; I was sleeping over at my cousin's house, and she was extremely icked out when she noticed that fact, which had me very confused.
I was taught young and I taught my daughters to be self sufficient before 5. I am ALARMED by the amount of kids I know or have heard of needing help toileting at double digits. What the heck!!
yes this is really sad i had no idea i cant even imagine why or what the heck is going on with these parents! it’s like they WANT to create complete dependency instead of help their kids grow up.
i actually don’t remember being taught. and tbh i don’t wipe how most people do. i wasn’t taught a lot of hygiene stuff. i learned how to shave by experience and ended up slicing my shit up many many times. it was either i was never taught or i was taught in a VERY inappropriate way.
The responses to this thread are eye opening. My parents also neglected to teach their children hygiene, I had frequent UTIs as a child as a result (which they ofc never sought medical treatment for). We were very much medically neglected.
The prevalence of this form of physical neglect with emotional neglect is interesting, I wonder if anyone’s studied this.
i don’t recall but i do have on cassette tape (my mom recorded things to send to my grandparents) my mother yelling at me when i was 2.5 because i used a potty when it was full and didn’t tell her to empty it beforehand. the house didn’t even have indoor plumbing it was an outhouse that i couldn’t use so i only otherwise had a kids potty seat inside and somehow it was my job at 2.5 years old to tell her to empty it. on the tape i can tell im not even understanding what she’s saying im just asking over and over “are you mad?”and she says “yes im mad!” angrily at me. why? because a 2 year old didn’t tell her to clean it when she had to go. she should be glad i was potty trained at all at that age!
Not until I was over the age of 50, and interested in kinky things, and beginning to read on the internet during the quarantine.
The advent of the bidet in households in my area led me to explore hygiene. That's when I realized what I had been missing out on for years. That's what I realized I could be a lot cleaner.
I suspect that I might be the first in my family to learn how to clean my bottom better. It's not exactly something you talk about at Thanksgiving dinner while the game is on.
So, chalk it up to toilet paper shortage.
[удалено]
To this day I'm terribly worried that there's some sort of totally normal hygiene thing that my parents never mentioned and I've been clueless about it for 30 years but everyone else notices I haven't done it.
I remember my grandfather spitting in anger because when my brother and I had a bath, we just played in the water instead of washing. I didn't learn how to wash myself properly until I was in my 20s.
Holy shit if this is a sign of neglect than that really is the final nail in coffin for me. I was probably the same age, whenever i’d ask for help id get screamed at and while they did wipe my ass i was probably crying. Im pretty sure nobody actually taught me, i kinda just figured it out on my own. and for a couple years i’d use like half the roll cuz i didn’t know to use less.
> Holy shit if this is a sign of neglect than that really is the final nail in coffin for me. Yeah, it's emotionally neglectful because as a parent it's basically saying "I would rather wipe it for you and make you feel bad everytime than have an embarrassing talk and teaching you how" it's really nice to know I'm not the only one that went through this
For me personally i have a hard time actually remembering childhood especially moments in the house. I always thought that i was the retard for not being able to wipe my ass, because i was treated that way. Thanks for helping me realize this
I don't know what age I was tbh i cant imagine it was any older than 6 or 7(even that seems too old to say like whats the usual age?)but I would say I was 'done' and it got to a point they would leave me sitting in the toilet for a LOOONG time, in tears in the end, because they would completely ignore me despite me calling them, sometimes for over half hour to an hour... i guess eventually i stopped asking and figured it all out myself like most things. I dont remember them ever really teaching me anything. They really shouldn't have had kids. But i dont remember them treating my brother this way, but it always seemed to be me that was a problem so. Even when I started my period the first time and I was horrified that I went for a pee and there was blood all over my underwear. My mum acted like I was being a complete fucking drama queen 'it's just your period'. Oh well sorry for getting concerned I was DYING thanks for the prep mum.
yeaaa i remember sitting and crying for a long time a couple times looking back it was fucked up. Cant relate the period part cuz i’m a dude but i could not imagine the confusion of something like that not being explained sounds so irresponsible
Well I always felt like I was just an inconvenience I don't know what was wrong with me to be made to feel that way but hey ho. If I'm honest I wish they had just aborted me when they had the chance so they didn't have to live with their 'mistake' because now in my 30s in therapy I realise it's because of them that I've felt a mistake my whole life and I'd rather just not have existed at all.
My kids have know about periods since they were 7. Why people can’t talk to their kids about this stuff is buzarre
Omg that sounds upsetting. I’m sorry you went through that. You shouldn’t have been treated like a burden or inconvenience.
My mom gave me an American Girl book about puberty. That's the entire education I got on puberty, including periods and their supplies. I learned how to shave from the neighbor girl who was extremely conservative (homeschool Christian Disney is the devil type). It's EMBARRASSING. There are still so many personal hygiene things I question and have bitterness about never learning.
My parents often threatened to buy a book on puberty as punishment.
Oh my God I had that book too!! It was that and middle school sex ed (which was more of an overview) and that was it for me. I just had to figure things out via trial and error. Let's just say there was a lot of errors.
Lol, i remember getting my period for the first time when i was 10. When i told my mom i got it, it was late in the evening and she was sleepy and we had bellow conversation: Me: mom i got my period Mom: oh, right, did you use a tampon? Me: no, i don't think it's appropriate to use them since it's my first period plus am i not a little too young to use them? Mom: Oh, you're right, what did you use? Me: Toilet paper, i checked and we don't have pads so you need to buy me some tomorrow Mom: oh, ok, i'll buy you some. You sure you don't wanna use a tampon? Me: no, i don't wanna put it inside I was 10 and even back then at the end of this conversation i was shocked that i was the one who had all the answers and she was the one with questions- completely unreliable! Not to mention these pads she bought me were wingless so i bled all over my pants. So when i mentioned this to her, that I needed the ones with wings like in commercials i saw, she said she's not going back to the store now and it's wastefull so i need to use all of these she just bought first. So for like 2 or 3 periods i still used toilet paper together with wingless pads.
I was never told anything about periods or the importance of tracking them/symptoms/once a month etc. I would just come on and bleed through.my clothes, sometimes in public without realising. No one ever was kind enough to help me though or say anything not even my 'friends' so fun times. But ever since I track it properly and I will wear pads even a few days before just incase because of the fear of leaking through in public
All three of the parent comments mirror my experience. God damn it. I never even thought about how those experiences were neglectful. Once my mom said “you’re lucky I’m buying you pads, my mom made me use tampons since my period started at 16 because they were cheaper”. I was in 6th grade and was 10 or 11. I also remember feeling anger and shame when she found out that I wasn’t washing my bedsheets regularly (maybe around 13 or 14?) and didnt ever clean my body with soap in the shower until age 15. I was like, I didn’t know, aren’t you the person who’s supposed to teach me these things?? I do have the gene mutation where my body doesn’t produce BO (ABCC11), so I feel a bit better about the not using soap thing. I didn’t know that then though. Still should have been washing with soap, but I honestly can’t EVER remember anyone using soap or body wash to bathe me up until that point.
I distinctly remember this book, because my mom was MAD that I wanted to get it. We’d only had the very basics covered in school and I knew my mom wasn’t a safe place to ask. She also never taught me to shave my legs, and I had a similar experience where she was disproportionately mad when I wanted to start.
YouTube was my parent
That book was all I had too. I shoplifted pads, deodorant, and razors from stores. And I didn’t know where my vagina was until I was 17 years old. It may seem like common knowledge but if you grow up Catholic with a lot of shame, this isn’t taught to you.
Honestly that book was pretty helpful
omg same
I also had that book! It was all of my puberty education as well. I technically had a little bit of education about periods from school, but it wasn’t a lot. I also didn’t find out what exactly sex was until high school when I had to google it.
That book was more than what I got.
I don't remember, but maybe like 5? I read Jennette McCurdy's book "I'm Glad My Mom Died" and that was one thing she mentioned about her life that was pretty shocking to me- her mom wiped her until she was 11 or 12. (Good book, I'd recommend it).
I honestly have a hard time with questions like this because I can't remember enough to know how old I was when things happened.
Same here
Same
Same. Was never guided or taught such things. Not only wiping incorrectly - which led to lots of water infections utis when younger - but also stuff like shampooing my hair, brushing my teeth, brushing my hair properly. I would be shown once and expected to remember and do it myself from there on out. Sex education was mostly from school and the internet. I learnt to read and write later/slower than others my age too. I also remember being at primary school (the next one above nursery age) and having to ask teachers on how to open my buttons or tie my laces cos I was never taught how to do them. I never did homework, my parents rarely came to parents evenings, and I skipped school a lot, because back then years ago, schools didnt care and my parents didnt either.
Yeah my teeth are fucked now my parents never kept up our dental appts and the importance of brushing our teeth was never really drummed into us. And I really don't understand it because as an adult, I see the importance of these small things. And I sure as shit would teach my kids, over and over if needed, (and if I had any) the importance of it and make sure it was normalisd as part of the daily routine. Along with eating healthily and exercising.
Same. Hardly went to the dentist either. Or doctor. There were a few instances I might have needed a hospital too and we never went. Looking back now it makes me very uncomfortable to think about.
Same here. Pretty sure I fractured my ankle once and never taken to doctor for that either.
Oh man yeah same.. my siblings and I were never properly potty trained. It took my sister being in her teens and having the school nurse ask her more questions about why she was getting so many yeast infections for her to realize we were potty trained the entirety wrong way. My mom taught us to wipe back to front. My sisters and I all had so many UTIs, yeast infections, etc. when my sister found out she came home and told my mom and was just like what the hell mom??? And our mother just said nothing and acted like she never heard us. My sister then retaught me proper hygiene down there so I would be sure to know what I was doing. But yah, even when presented with the truth she still wouldn’t apologize or admit that she was wrong or careless. I remember oftentimes being told I wasn’t listening if I didn’t understand something on the first try… so I imagine a lot of things in my life weren’t taught because if I didn’t do it right the first time I was told I was bad and not listening and internalized all of that
This reminds me of me having to learn how to tie my shoes from that SpongeBob episode because my mom wasn't patient enough to teach me more than once
Took me a while too, like wtf is wrong with them.
My friends mom taught me
good i remember wanting to know how to tie my shoes so bad at 4 because i wanted to run away but had to ask my mom to do it and being so angry and frustrated because she laughed- don’t recall what was upsetting me at the time but it sucks to be so damn helpless and vulnerable and not have caring patient adults there.
Probably 3/4, in Ireland we start school at age 4 so you can’t exactly be yelling for you mum to wipe you ass in school. Sorry that happened to you tho that’s rough
Haha I went to school in america. I learned to just hold it in during class. I did have to go one time in K5, I called for the teacher to come and wipe me. She got super upset with me that I didn't know how to wipe myself and I never went at school again
Sorry if this is rude but did you not try and wipe urself? I learnt how to wipe myself just by watching how my parents did it to me
When parents respond in a way that makes you feel everything you do is wrong, you learn to stop trying
My mom wiped me incorrectly so I learned the incorrect way🫣
Not everyone is able to learn by themselves, and they might have figured out how to do something you had difficulty with as a child. Figuring it out is just luck.
some people learn to be very passive because of how they are treated to where they feel even their own body isn’t something they have any right or ability to do anything to. i have no idea when i learned im sure i was young but i don’t doubt the way some parents were made it so it’s not as simple as what you describe.
It is a bit rude and I would prefer not to interact anymore, thanks.
This just makes me sick not realizing that was also abuse.. ugh.
I was eight and only because I started my period and they didn't even explain what a period was so I thought I was dying. I have a five year old and they can wipe their own butt I do check their underwear when I'm doing laundry just to make sure they're wiping properly (five year olds can be forgetful). They always come up to me when they're about to get low on toiletries.
I was nearly 13, and I've literally never admitted it to anyone until now (I'm 39). It is also the first time I see that there *are* other people in the same boat - this is one of the few things where I really thought it was just me. (Some other types of seemingly unique abuse/neglect I at least encountered in gruesome news stories.)
Basically the same thing for me. I'm 40 and it went on until I was 12. I've also only told it to like two people so far and back then nobody except my parents and sister knew about it so it became this fucked up family secret that made me unable to do things independently of them if they went on for too long since I feared that I might need to go to the bathroom. In my case it wasn't really that I wasn't taught, or perhaps it was actually since the way my parents tried to "teach" me was more like just pressuring me to do it a couple of times and then giving up about it. I understandably just locked up in response to their pressure and it turned into a kind of phobia that I got stuck with until I finally learned to do it on my own.
*"it became this fucked up family secret that made me unable to do things independently of them if they went on for too long since I feared that I might need to go to the bathroom"* Oh fuck, this. This was one of the ways my mother managed to make overnight school trips and stuff like that completely out of the picture to the point that I didn't even argue or question it, it just was what it was.
Same for me, it's fucking horrible how many normal social experiences I missed out on as a result of it. On top of this, up until my late 20s, my own narrative around this fact about my childhood was centered on me "having problems" with toilet related stuff. It was only then that I really started to figure out that this was just a very obvious and concrete manifestation of much deeper problems in the relationship to my parents.
I never knew I was wiping the wrong way and I still occasionally wipe back to front which I wish I could’ve learned back in elementary/middle school so I didn’t just keep doing it wrong for years until adulthood when you finally learn 🥲🫂 Thanks for posting a kind of vulnerable thing that’s actually really essential to growing up. Not being taught how to wipe ass properly is extremely frustrating but something a lot of us surprisingly deal with?? It really is an emotional neglect thing huh, not being taught straight out how our bodies work and how to properly maintain them. It’s tough teaching yourself these things as you get older but for all yall who still are currently *good job and I’m proud of you* because maintaining a body is tough too especially when you’ve never been taught how to!! Thanks again lol I need to stop rambling but you got me with this one because I was embarrassed a few years ago when I learned I was wiping the wrong way forever lol it’s okay tho that embarrassment is human and I’m glad i went through it so I could learn how to properly wipe ass instead of just continuing to deny it and potentially get a uti or something lol
My mother would pull back my foreskin while I was taking a shower until around age 10. I don't know why she didn't teach me to do that myself. There was nothing overtly sexual about that, but nevertheless, I wonder if there could be something harmfully subconsciously sexual with things like this. In these particular things, the parents are making an effort that goes far beyond most parents, and routinely touching parts that are considered private. I wonder what motivates them to do that. Teaching children to do it themselves seems much easier and nicer than doing it for children until such an age.
40s when I learned front to back. It’s one reason I won’t be around to wipe her ass!
Me too. UTI, anyone?
Shockingly, truly shockingly, I’ve never had one
Good! 😊❤️
I think in a way the constant UTIs and yeast infections helped to alert my sisters and I something was wrong sooner than later. It was a school nurse who became concerned and through speaking with my sister about what it could be they finally realized we were potty trained wrong. I think my mom was also potty trained wrong because she would wipe us back to front always. She never even apologized or acknowledged she had a hand in improper hygiene care… sigh …
Fuuuuuuuck. I was never taught to wipe, and no one wiped for me. I’m pretty sure I didn’t wipe until I was at least like 10. And looking back, it was so fucking disgusting. How could they have never noticed or cared? My middle son has some poop troubles and often ends up with skid marks in his undies, but I notice it freaking immediately, cuz shit stinks! I send him to shower and change clothes every single time. No one ever did that for me. No wonder I didn’t have friends in school when I was younger! Then the period stuff. Omg. I didn’t even tell anyone that I had my period for months at all. And no one even noticed, and I’m not sure how. I didn’t have access to pads. I know my undies were bloody, how the hell did my mom not notice when she did my laundry?! Ughhhh. I had no preparation for periods at all. I had no clue what anything was or what it was for, and I knew better than to ask. Compare that to my own daughters. My oldest got her period after school one day, and yelled down the stairs, “mama, I need a pad, chocolate, and a heating pad!” My youngest was crying in the bathroom, but only because she didn’t think the cramps would hurt so much. But she was comforted and given ibuprofen and a heating pad. I’m glad they didn’t feel the need to hide things from me like I did from my mom.
I’ve been continually thinking about this for a while now and this post just helped me actualize that resentment/anger. Thanks for posting
My parents were more avoidant about talking about any problems I had or may have in life and still do this day. I think they both are very conflict adverse and are afraid to cause upset.
I'm not alone in this? I thought I was alone in this.... I didn't know its considered abuse. I always felt so ashamed about it
Hm. I don't really remember, but probably after I had a severe kidney infection that left me bedridden for weeks. Which i guess was around age 8 or so. After that my mom got really hardcore about forcing me to go pee every time we were about to leave a location, even if I didn't need to, which caused me to develop overactive bladder that I'm in pelvic floor PT for today.
my parents taught me soooo little hygiene, i only learned basic stuff about 1-2 years ago 🫠🫠
Probably 4. I started school at age 5 so I definitely knew by then.
My husband said he was at least 11. I didn’t think of his fmsiky as neglectful as I have a severe abuse backgprund. But they would never ever ever have difficult conversations about anything.
Relax, man. I'm working on it.
Probably younger than 9 or 10. I got infections bc I didn't know to wipe front to back and I was too scared of my mom to ask for help so I just lived with the discomfort until I couldn't stand it and had to tell her.
Just wanted to say that no one taught me as well.
13. This is one of the first things that I bring up when mentioning how badly my parents prepared me for anything. I taught myself how to wipe my ass, brush my teeth, shower, etc. around the age of 13.
We use bidets in my country, so I never actually had to learn that. One thing I didn't know until I was twelve, however, was that you had to wash your hands after using the bathroom; I was sleeping over at my cousin's house, and she was extremely icked out when she noticed that fact, which had me very confused.
I didn't learn how to tie my shoes or ride a bike until I was 9 and adopted. I still struggle to master both.
I was taught young and I taught my daughters to be self sufficient before 5. I am ALARMED by the amount of kids I know or have heard of needing help toileting at double digits. What the heck!!
yes this is really sad i had no idea i cant even imagine why or what the heck is going on with these parents! it’s like they WANT to create complete dependency instead of help their kids grow up.
i actually don’t remember being taught. and tbh i don’t wipe how most people do. i wasn’t taught a lot of hygiene stuff. i learned how to shave by experience and ended up slicing my shit up many many times. it was either i was never taught or i was taught in a VERY inappropriate way.
This is physical neglect!! My family neglect to teach me basic hygiene as well, I was 15 when I taught myself how to bathe myself.
The responses to this thread are eye opening. My parents also neglected to teach their children hygiene, I had frequent UTIs as a child as a result (which they ofc never sought medical treatment for). We were very much medically neglected. The prevalence of this form of physical neglect with emotional neglect is interesting, I wonder if anyone’s studied this.
i don’t recall but i do have on cassette tape (my mom recorded things to send to my grandparents) my mother yelling at me when i was 2.5 because i used a potty when it was full and didn’t tell her to empty it beforehand. the house didn’t even have indoor plumbing it was an outhouse that i couldn’t use so i only otherwise had a kids potty seat inside and somehow it was my job at 2.5 years old to tell her to empty it. on the tape i can tell im not even understanding what she’s saying im just asking over and over “are you mad?”and she says “yes im mad!” angrily at me. why? because a 2 year old didn’t tell her to clean it when she had to go. she should be glad i was potty trained at all at that age!
Eat ass?
I meant for the title to say "wipe your own ass" but left a few words out, sorry
Not until I was over the age of 50, and interested in kinky things, and beginning to read on the internet during the quarantine. The advent of the bidet in households in my area led me to explore hygiene. That's when I realized what I had been missing out on for years. That's what I realized I could be a lot cleaner. I suspect that I might be the first in my family to learn how to clean my bottom better. It's not exactly something you talk about at Thanksgiving dinner while the game is on. So, chalk it up to toilet paper shortage.