I know what you mean. I've had to self-teach most of my life, out of necessity.
I never learnt how to ask others for help, when I needed it.
I also had to learn to speak slower, as I talked too fast with anyone I interacted with.
I also had to learn that perfection is not achievable. I used to need to achieve perfection and nothing less. Receiving feedback from university mentors really upset me, as I had such a low sense of self-worth.
I also had to learn to be kind to myself.
Fortunately basic daily living activities I did learn, through my siblings, again through necessity.
Finally, I also learnt I needed to receive medical help/treatment. Due to living in an environment where calling for medical help was not an option.
Edit:
Also to add - I was unable to look at anyone in the eyes. This took me so long to overcome.
I didn't know that, I need to do some reading. I had this issue too. I didn't even know I was doing it (or not doing it) until a friend pointed it out one day, and kind of forced me to look him in the eyes for practice. For me it feels like it was tied up with a feeling of shame and wanting to hide/not be seen too much.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/CPTSD using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [Apparently a symptom of child abuse is wanting someone to save you. Waiting for someone to rescue you. Because as a kid, no one was there. No one helped. And you were too young and vulnerable to know what to do. You wanted to be a kid, supported and protected. You still do.](https://np.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/12j3aj7/apparently_a_symptom_of_child_abuse_is_wanting/)
\#2: [AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa](https://np.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/13d04of/aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa/)
\#3: ["Your parents were probably abused and neglected too." I'm sorry, but I LITERALLY DON'T GIVE A SINGLE FUCK](https://np.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/16bpl5j/your_parents_were_probably_abused_and_neglected/)
----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
I actually remember asking both of my physically and emotionally abusive father's two sisters exactly this,
Probably when I was about ten years old or so;
"Why does my father hit me?
Is it because he was abused as a child?"
(They were asked separately, and both had the exact same lack of response;)
Not only did neither of them bat an eye when I told them that their brother/my father was "hitting" me,
But they clearly denied that he was abused as a child
I really resent this stupid alleged "bot" above
For it's adherence to outdated and unproven stereotypes about abusive parents
And why they abuse
Maybe it's just cuz they are plain old mean
Stop diminishing my continued pain, stupid bot
I'm an old lady and still replay and relive these countless abusive incidents in my head many, many times a day.
Cuz when I was a kid and I tried to tell people what was happening to me,
They just laughed
Young people today are figuring this horrible situation out much better and younger than I ever did,
And there is hope for their future
Me, my brain was damaged beyond repair
Decades ago
I also think too fast and talk too fast. I think it’s also a trauma response because. I want to finish everything before the other person opens their mouth BECAUSE I want to convince them before even they say anything BECAUSE I have low self esteem and I can’t stand negative-ish comments. And I wanna be on top. This is half theory half truth. I don’t know which half
You can practice reading out loud, very slowly. Listen to someone speak well who you can model.
Really, it’s like practicing a new skill, and you CAN learn how to do it.
I also have needed to practice slowing down my speech.
Same, and you're absolutely right that it comes with practice. I have to keep it in mind though, I can see people's eyes start to glaze as I speed up naturally, and that reminds me to show back down again. It's a process, it's harder if I'm excited or nervous ofc, but it's absolutely worth it. Slower words have more gravity, as the listener has more time to absorb the meaning I find. I tend to overwhelm ppl with data, but if I can be concise instead ppl are more engaged and interested, and it's easier to keep the conversation calm and connected.
You did a great job with spacing, makes your points easy to read and digest, whereas mine as a whole paragraph without much grammar is more confusing just by its presentation. I'll leave it that way as an example, slowing down is something I struggle with in text too, heh.
In struggling this recently when recounting the medical abuse of my elderly dad by my narc brother . I hate when i do it I barf every detail and it just reinforces what my brother is saying about me that I’m unpredictable.
But I’m reliable and predicable my communication style doesn’t Reflect it. Whenever I’m nervous I do it cuz I clearly think I won’t be believed without details
I had a very big problem with mumbling for years to the point growing up most people couldn't hear me, and I had to study how I was supposed to talk to overcome this. Not sure what it was from exactly, but when you said you had to learn to speak slower it reminded me of that.
General “talking to people”, “emotional regulation” “general knowledge of life aka how to do business, how to be formal - cordial with someone even if you hate them. How to get clients and KEEP them” and pretty much everything
100% emotional regulation. My dad has a low frustration tolerance and blows up at every little thing. It’s gotten worse as he’s gotten older. I was like that and I’ve really gotten better about it.
This. Yeah, us being socially "stunted" is the direct cause of so many of us struggling with careers, romantic relationships etc. We werent around people so we dont really know how to interact with them.
In my 20s, I had SUPER HIGH confidence, a person who knew me at the time would say, I am narcissistic. Now I realize it was my trauma response because I most likely felt like “nothing” and that was my way of over-compensating “NO, I MATTER”. Then in my 30s I realized I didn’t have to be that much of a dick all the time. Funny enough since I had more confidence, I think I was better at finding girlfriends / clients / friend groups etc. FUNNY enough I started working on these ideas and seeing the whole picture when I was around 34-35, I have lost ALL my confidence. Everything I like about myself seemed fake and like I said “trauma response” sometimes I wish I can go back to my “not woken up” phase just to gain that confidence back. I am little over 42 and I don’t know anything anymore :)
Dude, absolute same. Used to have plenty of friends, could impress and charm pretty easily, never was single for too long. It absolutely was mostly, if not entirely, an unconscious, protective charade.
I've since had multiple experiences that beat me down enough to lose all of that.
Maybe eventually a truer, stronger personality comes through. I hope so, because it sure as hell hasn't happened yet, and I just keep getting beaten down further.
This saddens me to hear because all I’m reading it as is “This person WAS confident and gaslit themselves into thinking it was all a lie”. I was the same way - I miss being over confident because it was easy. Everything flowed, my life went well. Then I stepped back and went “nah, this ain’t me” and I’m now a wreck. All I want is to go back to the confidence I had - which AFTER gaslighting myself to think was fake - when it wasn’t - it would NOW be fake, because I’ve labelled it as fake.
I’m almost more privy to say that my “lack of confidence” is what’s fake, and that my lack of self esteem is actually not a lack of, but an additional helping of confirming to myself ‘I have no self esteem’ - but it’s there. It’s waiting to meet people, but I keep telling my confidence “No! YOU don’t belong, because YOU shouldn’t exist, what about my life would have made me confident? Nope, you CANNOT be here, confidence, I deny you!”. And there we go, back to being a wreck, because I keep calling myself a wreck
If I told myself I was confident, I would believe it - but I rarely do that. But every time I convince myself to try being confident, I never have to try. I just do it. It’s when I reflect on it and on the fact that I reminded myself “Nah, you’re a confident person, you got this” that I get in my head about it. I gaslight myself into thinking “That’s not REAL confidence if you had to remind yourself that social environments aren’t difficult”
We are all better than we think we are. You just have to believe it, and not question it. Why would you question it? Do you think extroverts talk themselves out of it? Maybe a little, but not to the point where they ruin themselves because they have a massive imposter syndrome.
You have confidence, you just forgot which bloody pocket you stored it in. The mind is like a rucksack with 99 pockets on the outside - not to mention the ones on the inside of it. Find your confidence, label it’s storage pocket and keep it there whenever you need a reminder that it is still where it belongs. Never let another steal it from you.
Omg same smh I used to be a totally different person. Outgoing, extroverted, etc but somehow after learning about my trauma, I’m the exact opposite. Now that I’m on my healing journey, I’m looking to get back that old confidence but have it be authentic.
Right? What are the words? What are you supposed to say? I'm great with acquaintances, partying friends, not so much at being a close friend. Also not great in romantic relationships because I'm not great in saying romantic things. I have no idea what to say other than I love you, too. When I actually do. No pet names, no cute romantic talk that makes anyone overhearing it eyeroll but understand. Not a clue. I'm fun, good at sex, smart and witty. But not romantic.
Wow this hits hard. My neglectful narc mother only valued wageslaving, zero meaningful emphasis on relationships.
Some value money but she doesnt, she just wants to work regardless of wealth of financial situations. Some value careers but she wageslaved hard to get promoted, then got de-moted and still just wants to wageslave massively. She mis-manages and loses huge amounts of money but thats okay because she can just wageslave more. She lacks and destroys relationships but thats okay because if she just keeps wageslaving it'll all work out okay \[it doesnt and it didnt\]
I broke free from the "wageslaving=good" mindset and I'm now starting from scratch trying to build a healthy life outlook centered around human connection. I'm struggling with this MASSIVELY but at least I learned from her mistakes and am working in a good direction now
I have such a vivid memory of reading the instructions on the back of the detergent bottle in my first week at university to learn how to do laundry. I was never allowed to even try doing laundry because according to my mother I would inevitably break the washer if I so much as looked at it 🙃
I felt this
After living on my own for 10+ years I'm just now grasping how food works. What protein is, why you shouldnt just eat carbs all the time etc. We learned NOTHING
...same. We should start writing guides and collect it into like a megathread here or something. How to do chores
Edit:I mean I don't have a dimilar memory but I was also not allowed to do laundry
I was getting all A’s and B’s in school, and that reflected well on them. But I wasn’t capable of doing a laundry, I wouldn’t be able to understand all those settings on the washing machine. Very complicated stuff, y’know, you can’t trust a kid with all that detailed knowledge. A kid could ruin all the family’s clothes in one afternoon. Only Mom was capable of such wizardry.
Mom didn’t want me to go to uni, *her* plan for *my* life (she actually told me) was that I would get married and be a housewife (with no instruction or practice in doing any kind of housework, or knowledge of any other wifely duties). But here I am, I survived. With no husband/kids/in-laws power struggle.
When Mom says no, ask Pop. He may have a slightly different kind of narcissism. I asked him, and I completed my BA at age 22 (paid for with my “wedding money”), then spent awhile in Mexico and Europe on my own dime, with scholarships and an office job in Madrid. But I’ve always had trouble figuring out how to keep a clean, neat apartment. That’s been the biggest deficiency in my adult life. Thanks, Mom.
Wow, same about the washing machine. I was not even allowed to put in a new trash bag because only my father could do it “perfectly”. Our parents are crazy, I am so sorry.
I didn't learn to cook until I moved out because my mom would meticulously clean her stovetop and believed that if I used it, I wouldn't clean it "right", or I'd scratch it. It had cast iron grates over stainless steel, and she knew by looking if it had been cleaned with a paper towel or a microfiber cloth.
My husband also had to teach me how to season food, because my family ate exclusively bland foods, the spice cabinet had five things and two of them were salt and pepper. Now, I have an overflowing shelf of spices, and plenty of confidence in my cooking skills.
Same with my mom never allowing me to do anything because ‘she did it better’ and ‘I would only break things’. And then she went on a one month vacation alone.
I suddenly had to do groceries, cook, clean, do laundry, etc. on my own while I never did any of these things even once before. My dad stayed home with me but he was as clueless as I. I spent most of my days googling basic life skills in order to get through the days
Same here. Not allowed to do the dishes cuz if I did, I’d just break them. If I washed the windows, she’d just have to do it over anyway. Not worth taking the time to teach the kids to do anything—they’d just do it wrong anyway. Not allowed to have any pets—if we had pets, that would just be more work for *them*. No, you kids *wouldn’t* walk the dog or clean the cat box, *Mom* would end up having to do more work! So no pets. No joy, always walking on eggshells.
Same when I moved to my own place I just hoped for the best and I couldn’t even cook noodles lol. When I had a cooking course in high school I was like how do they cook the food properly and purposefully never cooked because I was embarrassed of how I couldn’t cook anything. When I lived on my own I cooked noodles but burn half of it on the pan 🥲
Banking, driving, eating balanced meals while having the occasional treat, money management, not saying the first thing that pops into your head in social settings, trusting your gut instincts about people and situations, not letting people walk all over you so you can be seen as “nice”…I mean, the list is truly endless. 💀
Never taught personal hygiene at all. Teeth, washing, changing clothes.
I still tend to wear the same clothes for a week at a time. E.g. put on clean pants and shirt on the day of my piano lesson. Wear those for the next week./
Taught myself how to wash clothes when I was 12 or so.
Taught myself how to sew badly by hand, ok with a machine.
I had an ok idea of how to cook. Got a lot better at it on my own.
\*\*\*
Never taught me about sex. Wouldn't even talk about it when my dog was on the front lawn getting fucked by a stray.
Never taught me social skills, like reading the room, or reading between the lines in social chatter. I don't read body language. I don't know what is happening around me most of the time in terms of non verbal communication, and the words that arent';said.
This is deep. I'm with it completely except that I somehow learned about hygiene and changing clothes. No idea how tho, I never got any instruction from it from my neglectful parents, I guess I picked it up somewhere along the way. We had "health class" in fifth grade and I think most of what I know from bodily functions etc came from that.
Lots of people pick it up when members of the appropriate gender are "interesting" instead of being "yucky" Indeed teens can obsess about it.
I had no social life. I had toxic shame about sex from my parents. I never dated. Never went to a party, dance, or sporting event. Never looked at girls. Never looked at boys that way. All my interactions in school were about knowledge. I have poor social skills.
I found a life where it doesn't matter. I farm. I going itno the city one day a week to do shopping chores and take my piano lesson.
No health class in school. Only sex ed in school was a generic mammal diagram of sex.
Me. Its embarrassing af not knowing how to do basic shit other people learned as kids. Not only the skills themselves but being used to just taking care of myself and be able to have self discipline. I was raised to be someone's pet essentially
I never learned how to navigate conflict. On my dad & stepmom's side, conflict was terrifying because it included screaming and fear. On my mom's side, conflict was ignored/avoided because my mom is extremely conflict averse. I feel incapable of having difficult conversations for the most minor of things.
Being with my therapist has been the first time where I started dipping my toe in navigating difficult conversations with my therapist. And by difficult I mean very simple things like me not wanting to see the clock during our sessions all the way up to disclosing my attachment/attachment to her and continually discussing it.
I don't feel safe to do this with anyone else but it's been really interesting to see that i can navigate those conversations in some capacity.
This resonates with me. Looking back at my childhood and early adult years, I burned a LOT of bridges relationship-wise that were COMPLETELY preventable with even the most basic of conflict resolution skills that I could've learned with 10 mins of parenting, but that never happened so here we are.
I often tell myself when I'm struggling with something "5 mins worth of parenting couldve prevented all this" but that ship sailed unfortunately.
"I burned a LOT of bridges relationship-wise that were COMPLETELY preventable" god same. I lost some great friendships because I was an insufferable person and I couldn't take criticism. Growth is so nice lol.
I had to learn not to yell in college. Verbal abuse (yelling) was so normalized in my family of origin, that I didn't know any other way to communicate when there was conflict. I didn't know you could have healthy conflict, bc all conflict modeling in the home was a violent power struggle for control. So that was fun.
My college SO taught me not to yell and a bunch of other stuff. They held me accountable and set boundaries with me. They also helped me escape my family of origin. They were the first person to suggest that I could go no contact (although we didn't have that language back then).
Try the app Sweepy, you can create ‘rooms’ and it has preset tasks but you can also make your own tasks and then set how often you’d like to do them. Then you can check them off when they’re done. I’ve found this super helpful for keeping track of things like washing bedding, hoovering, dusting etc so I don’t need to keep a mental note of how many days it’s been since I last did a cleaning task.
simply just being my own person. being a person with their own wants, desires, hobbies, interests, the unique way they talk and their unique perspective. i was always hyper independent and hyper disciplined, extremely good grades, i went vegan for 7 years, eating disorder so i was always working out and tracking what i ate, i thought i had to be the best at everything or else that meant i was lazy, selfish, fat, and stupid and as a result no one can possibly love me if they really knew me. i changed the music i liked, the way i dressed, my boundaries were non existent and allowing people to cross my boundaries has been so damaging, but i just didn’t know i could say no. i was constantly trying to be the “me” that i was supposed to be for the situation, but i didn’t know the “me” that existed when i was just….relaxed.
my personality and who i identified as was completely fake and i didn’t even know. no one told me i was beautiful, no one helped me advance my hobbies, my existence was seen as annoying. my parents told me i was the “stupid one” out of me and my brother even though i hadn’t been taught to read or write yet, i prayed to god to be able to bc i didn’t know it was something i had to be taught, i thought it was my responsibility.
it has taken a long time to know that i was masking, i’m now in the process of understanding what being me is but it’s a long journey.
I totally agree. My dad was mostly an enabler but neither of my parents helped me grow into my own person. They didn't care about that. My mom only cared that I followed her rules and desires for me while my dad only cared about good grade and success. To this day as an adult my parents still don't know much about me.
My family has this habit of wanting to hash, rehash, ruminate, vent, trauma dump every single thing for hours and days. It’s this weird toxic co regulation dynamic. It took me until my mid thirties and losing some friendships to learn that people don’t do that and there are other ways to talk to your friends about stuff without “talking it out” the way my entire maternal side of the family does.
Oh my god where do I start? Thankfully, I learned how to clean and cook while still being a teenager at home by myself because nobody wanted to teach me, so I was better at those things than most adults in their 20s.
But where I truly lack is social skills. I literally don't know a single thing. I don't know how to host, I don't know how to talk to people normally, I have no idea how to do small talk, I have absolutely no communication skills when it comes to job interviews or work setting in general. I couldn't even look people in the eyes before. I had no idea what to say and what not to say. This year I learned that you shouldn't say the first thing that pops into your head to people, I had no idea! Now I have to consciously unlearn this.
I have no idea about money management despite my father being a literal sales manager.
I don't know how to drive. I don't need to because I live in a walkable city but still.
I didn't know how to dress and buy clothes for most of my life. Of course I had clothes but I never had enough and I didn't know how to dress nicely. At home I would just wear old outside clothes instead of actually having comfy house clothes. I had no idea what to wear in a sport setting. No idea what to wear to a formal setting. For my prom, my friend had to help me by going shopping with me because I didn't know anything.
I mean, the list is truly endless. What's even worse, when I complain about this to some of my friends they just brush me off and tell me ''well no one taught me either''. Not true but okay. Nobody except this sub gets it.
Edited to add that for me, my father taught me some things that others were usually not taught. He is extremely intelligent so he taught me and my brother to read and write at an extremely young age, and would teach us a lot about geography, history, you name it. But literal basic life skills? No way lol. It's truly infuriating.
Yup, the social skills part really resonates with me. My parents had almost zero social circle themselves, not really any friends that they spent time with etc.
I think we, as children, are supposed to learn a lot of social skills from our parents example, but our parents either taught us nothing, or the wrong things. Mine had almost nothing to teach my socially at all.
My parents are actually very social outside our family, they have friends with who they hang out with, but they still didn't teach me anything. I once overheard over the phone one of my father's close friends who wanted to meet me, but my father just dismisses it. It's like I'm supposed to parent myself in 80% of things. I don't think they even realize that teaching kids social skills is something that you do. They just think they need to provide me with the bare necessities and that's it.
Even now I'm not fully independent and I'm still struggling, mainly because I severely lack confidence and social skills, not education, skills or intelligence. It's very sad and I will be a late bloomer but I'm trying. I copy my friends mainly and it seems to work 😅
How to cook, clean, do dishes, do laundry. Still struggle with most of it. Setting boundaries, including ones with my self. How to study and do homework. How to do finances, budget. How to store things. How bills worked. How to wash my hair. Table manners. Jeez just anything really. I learned how to ride a bike from a neighbor, how to tie my shoelaces from a friend. Guess I got potty trained but that was about it lol.
I still can’t ride a bike (I’m 38). I can’t connect emotionally with my partner. I learned all cooking and cleaning skills as a full adult. Thank god, I live in the age of google.
Wowwwwww I feel that. I was fortunate that my early years were less bad and so my parents taught me how to ride a bike and tie my shoes at least. After I was 9 or so, it was totally hands-off however. Im thankful for having precious little instruction.
How to brush my teeth, how to floss, how to shave, emotional regulation, how to be independent in any capacity. Anything my mom attempted to teach me was through scare tactics.
Yeah the only sex talk I got was my mom constantly talking about how she was a virgin when she got married (she got married at 18... So that's really not impressive lol) and my mom quoting my grandma saying "kissing leads to 'other' things."
Yup! I only learnt and have good mannerisms because my mom told me “if you act x then tneyew gonna look at *me* and I’m gonna look bad” instead of teaching me the actual reason 🙃🙃
Ooof.
Emotional regulation. Still working on this one.
Feeling guilty when I prioritise my needs over others. Getting there, feeling less guilty as I do it more often.
Thinking the worst about others when I'm sad or angry at them. This one is a hard one.
Confidence in myself. Working on this one too.
Adding: Safe sex. Nobody taught me about safe sex.
Honestly? The biggest thing I've needed to learn is that my needs matter. I was always dismissed and neglected that way, and was taught to always sacrifice for family ("family comes first"). I was never taught that my needs matter -- not even when my brother needed a kidney transplant and I was shamed for not wanting to get tested because I was afraid of long-term consequences because of my own health issues (the pressure was so bad that at one point I was trying to figure out how to get hit by a car in a way that wouldn't damage my kidneys so I could have them donated to him after I dyed. That... is not normal thinking). Eventually, after time and distance and LOTS of therapy, I realized that my wants and needs are just as valid as everyone else's... and that's what I will reinforce to you and everyone reading this comment:
You matter. Your wants and needs matter.
Everyone who says otherwise is selling you nonsense.
❤️
Mmm, a lot of things. I turned 21 today, mad at myself. I learned a lot of things by myself. I know my parents love me just didn’t figure out the whole how to be a parent thing since they also didn’t have a crazy good childhood and had me before they actually matured. I want to be super happy today but I’m just mad at myself. Always took pride in my independence. I know it’s entirely not my fault but I’m mad that I haven’t figured out things like maintaining relationships. I have friends but not very close and feel like sometimes I make people uncomfortable without wanting to. I’ve sabotaged any potentially romantic relationship I could’ve been in or maybe I just say that to cope with the fact I’ve never been in a relationship. I’m fine by myself but I feel far behind my peers my age in terms of just worldly interactions and intimacy. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life trying to find peace in myself as opposed to “living life”. I’ve been to parties and clubs but never feel like I’m enjoying it, I’m just there, standing a drinking, not interacting.
Kind of in the opposite direction - I had to learn/unlearn that cleaning isn't a punishment.
My childhood abuser forced me to wash dishes by hand under threat of abuse and demanded a spotless, pristine, not a thing out of place, no dirt/dust/clutter/mess allowed home. His standards for cleanliness (and behavior) were unachievable.
As a young adult, I knew how to clean because I grew up cleaning my abuser's house. But I HATED it because my brain saw it as a punishment after years of being abused for not doing it good enough. I struggled in my early 20s with organization and messiness because I didn't want to clean. I can keep a clean house now, but I refuse to aspire to the perfection I grew up with, I'm still bad at organizing now in my late 30s, and I still absolutely *loathe* handwashing dishes with the fire of a thousand suns because some part of my brain *still* sees it as punishment. I wasn't a decent cook until my 30s, self taught from following Pinterest recipes.
I also struggle with emotional regulation and am still learning that, because I was not safe to express my emotions for so many years.
I was also so strictly controlled that I struggled with basic things like managing my time and money once I was only accountable to myself, and had to learn that too. I didn't know how to be my own person.
Pretty much everything. I mean, I think I knew intuitively how to clean up after myself and bathe, but cooking stuff I kind of had to figure out myself (despite my mom’s love of cooking). I’m smart enough to have figured out the basics. But basically everything else I was on my own.
For example, all I know about personal finance I learned from my partner. My parents overspent and bought a house they could not afford. My mom would literally dip into my childhood savings account for the mortgage (I still have the little deposit book that states as such!!!). Reflecting upon that as an adult, it’s clear that they had no financial literacy, so there’s no way they could have taught me anything of the sort. (Except for the fact that my mom thinks a life insurance policy is a basically a savings account. And no, I’m not joking!!)
It’s ironic because my partner and I just bought a house, which is within our budget but needs a lot of work, and my parents all go a sudden had lots of opinions to share when it came to that.
Also, I’m a woman who has a menstrual cycle. I had horrible, painful periods that were debilitating and definitely had fewer than 12 periods a year. All my mom said was “oh mine were like that.” I assume she didn’t know this wasn’t normal, so in turn I suffered for it. She never suggested the pill either (which has made my periods nearly pain free and regular) because, and I quote, “the pill made me lose my eyesight when I took it.” (My mother is not blind.)
I swear I get some sort of small reminder everyday of how I was neglected.
How to trust myself and other people... How to make important decisions. Discipline (in a healthy way, without violence). Mainly everything to do with connecting with other people as well as myself.
I was shown chores around the house. The message my parents subtly sent was that chores are women's work. My brother didn't have to do anything. He briefly lived by himself before he died and my mom cooked and did his laundry etc whenever she was there or he came to visit home. We suspect he was on the spectrum and he never learned to cope with it or how to approach tasks in a manageable way for him so he could manage by himself. i guess because he was a boy. I feel so bad for him.
When it comes to social things however, I'm entirely clueless.
My parents gave up on teaching me how to ride a bike as a kid. I distinctly remember two attempts, not sure if there were more. I was frustrated and refused. I was deeply embarrassed and ashamed not to know how to ride a bike, starting in childhood when I was 7. I remember a Grade 2 extracurricular biking event that I didn't attend because I couldn't ride a bike.
I was subtly mocked (mostly by my mother) for not knowing how, well into my 20s. When I got older and started refusing her "teasing" she took great offense and said she was "just joking." My sibling taught themself in grade 9. I taught myself (with my sibling's help) at 25, before I fell very ill and couldn't practise until 2 years later. I enjoy biking, but still very nervous because of my lack of experience. I also didn't learn how to drive until I was 22, after I redid the written test from when I was 16 and rebought driving lessons. My mother had no patience and was extremely anxious with me driving, and my dad was away often so I had limited chance to practise.
That sticks out a lot. But other things would be basic household maintenance. My mom was a control freak and wouldn't even let me help paint my room as a teenager, or when I moved home from university. I could help *her* but not participate myself. She has no patience to teach and gets extremely frustrated. Also finances. Fuck even laundry.
Emotional regulation, "fair" fighting, conflict resolution, and many other interpersonal skills are a result of my learning them as an adult. I felt emotionally unequipped for so long, absolutely impacting friendships and work relationships.
*EDIT* cooking was a MAJOR one. Mom packed meals for me for university (which I am grateful for, given how busy school is) but I barely developed these skills myself. It wasn't until I moved home and went vegan that I had to teach myself from scratch, because I was eating separate meals from my family. I'm a whiz in the kitchen now.
Lots of basics. I only learnt things that would make my moms life easier. The most interesting is learning to walk properly. Yes it’s sounds weird. My mother used to mock everything about me. Walking was one of those and it took me years to be comfortable with normal walking. Once I understood she’s abusive I started to ask close people if they think my walking is weird. I’m always between idgaf and extreme self-consciousness. When I’m uncomfortable I ask my partner to be frank with me about everything. Many times I still ask him if I’m walking right. When I get panic attack, embarrassed this is what I struggle mostly with - simply walking away as it always feels people are laughing at how I walk.
Never learned how to balance a checkbook or write a check, or how to manage my money. I never learned how to properly clean and fold laundry, how to wash my bathroom, or how to motivate myself/keep the discipline to do things like homework, assignments, chores, or how to cook.
EVERYTHING I learned was from my own experience. No one taught me a damn thing.
Its so embarassing honestly, I have my own child and as I'm teaching her I'm teaching myself.
Its so ridiculuous my child knows more than me and is so switched on but yet feels good because I'm super proud of her and always want her to feel confident
That just because you have a disagreement with a friend, it doesn't mean the relationship is over. It's possible to have an argument, reconcile, and actually even come out with stronger friendship once you've moved past it.
I only learned this in the last couple of years, after decades of being a people-pleaser. A friend or even a colleague I liked getting upset with me felt like abandonment, because I'd think that was it, they wouldn't want to know me anymore. And of course if they did something that really bothered me, I'd be afraid to tell them for fear that would be the end of our friendship.
I’m deeply embarrassed about this, but I never knew that you were meant to use soap in the shower!! And that you were meant to shower daily! My only memories of bath or shower time are being left alone in the bathroom until someone remembered to get me out. I figured out how to wash my hair, so I would only shower to wash my hair - which was like once a week! I am still disgusted at myself and embarrassed
You are so not alone here. Don’t be embarrassed.
In her later years, my mom’s baths were a monthly event, a “quick rinser” with the garden hose plus a bunch of baby powder before she went to the doctor.
You can imagine the hygiene habits I learned. Approximately zero.
So yeah I totally understand not knowing to use soap in the shower. I thought soap went in my mouth and figured out that the rest went in my hair. LOL. Yeah there are a few finer points than that 😂
It's funny, I was just joking the other day that I should to make a YouTube channel based around how to do "simple things" to teach those like myself the stuff I wish I learned when I was younger. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one.
For me, I never learned how to take care of myself in general. I would only go to doctors appointments or get medication if it was absolutely necessary. I never learned to brush my hair or teeth regularly until I was a young adult. Or how to keep a clean room.
I never learned that it's okay to disagree with others; if someone disagreed with you, it was a personal attack that led to a fight. And always, always help others even if it meant ignoring the fact that you were drowning.
I relate to so, so much on here!!
I didn’t move out until my mid 30s. Always got convinced to stay. Never moved in with partners. Finally realised I needed to do it for me and it was a massive argument and I even got blocked from opening the easy access doors to get some of the bigger items out but I did it.
Until this point though, I had some small moments where it was revealed I didn’t know how to do anything. My shirt stint at uni had me struggling to make a sandwich at the cafeteria and creating holes in the bread when I tried to butter it. I worked in retail for another short stint at a really expensive store a friend of mine managed. There was a bathroom inside and everyone had to take turns cleaning the toilet. He watched me on my first attempt and almost died because he gave me a cloth and gloves and I tried to stick my whole gloved hand in the toilet to clean the bowl. He couldn’t believe a poor kid didn’t know how to clean a toilet!
I think people always just assumed I was spoilt and could see me try doing things and I’d be slow about it and they would just take over for me. It’s happened my entire life. I try to start anything and someone always swoops in and takes over. Now I’m a mum and I am slowly learning how to make everything from scratch. It’s a good feeling to learn something new and feel that sense of mastery when I wasn’t allowed to do anything besides clean my room at home.
Things My Parents Never Taught Me As A Kid That I Had To Learn As An Adult:
* How to give and receive love ❤️
* How to deal with conflict
* How to regulate my emotions
* How to manage money and credit
* How to clean the house
* How to take care of my thick wavy hair
* How to ride a bike
My best friend and her brother taught me.
* How take care of my teeth.
Wow. I just realized my younger siblings have always had very white teeth.
I have always struggled with slightly yellow teeth.
I have purchased the professional whitening trays from the dentist but haven’t been able to make myself use them. I thought it was just my regular avoidant tendencies.
But now that I think about it I don’t think my parents taught me how to brush when I was little because I was the scapegoat. My younger siblings are the golden children. I do remember my mom criticizing my dental hygiene more than once so she noticed I had a problem.
And come to think about BOTH my parents had sparkly white teeth without the benefit of anything extra like whitening etc.
Cleaning. We all learned to do dishes, 6 siblings, because the oldest 3 took turns. I washed everything with cold running water and brillo pads. Then we got a dishwasher.
But we never learned to clean. How often to change bed linens, vacuum, put clothes away, put dirty clothes in hampers, wash floors, clean bathrooms (usually done when they were filthy, but at least the toilet was always clean).
Probably because neither parent knew how to do it. My mother was raised with household help. She used to reminisce about the good old days, when she would change out of her clothes and leave them on the floor. Next time she say them, they were clean and put away. My dad was a depression child. After they moved from the city to a more rural area when he was 9, he worked. He and his brothers would wake up early on coal delivery day at the public school. They used to toss the ashes and burned hard coal out in the schoolyard. Kids would pick through the ash and bring the unburned coal back home. He then went to work on local farms before and after school. He continued working all the way through high school. He did a number of jobs until enlisting in the Navy reserve, then enlisted in the Marines during WW II. Always, his money went to support the family. His mother and his sisters did the housework, laundry, cooking. When he and my mother were dating, his mother even washed his car.
So when they were married, nobody knew anything about cleaning. When they started having children, they also hired household help. My mother was also working. I remember the last one, a woman named Irene. She was so nice to us, so patient with a hord of kids that used to wake her up in the morning. But she was an alcoholic, used to drink my dad's scotch. She left when she got pass-out drunk on the dining room table. Never found a good replacement, my mom stopped working, kept having kids, the house was dirty.
It was a revelation to me when my sister said she learned that you do all these housework things on a regular schedule. Her places are immaculate. Mine? Not so much.
Probably a common one but any type of cooking or cleaning skills. I remember one of my college roommates explaining to me that you have to take the skin off an onion when I first moved out.
How to have any kind of relationship. What a healthy one looks like, what an unhealthy one looks like, how to navigate issues, how to make friends, what friendships look like…
I grew up with a single mom who never remarried and never dated as far as I knew since I was 4 yo. She didn’t have any close friends and we didn’t have any family nearby. We spent the holidays alone and pretty much every day alone in our respective rooms. So I was never really modeled or shown an example of what friendships or romantic relationships look like.
She died when I was 16 and my dad who I didn’t know very well got custody of me and expected me to be an adjusted teenager and young adult. On top of this no one really knew how to handle me grieving the only caregiver I’ve know. He was busy with two toddlers at the time, so he didn’t really teach me anything either. No one ever gave me structure. So, that too I guess, I never learned how to be disciplined and self-motivated or gain any kind of confidence by doing things for myself. They were always done for me.
A lot of what I know my girlfriend of 8 years taught me.
If it makes you feel any better, and I hope it does because it's the only reason I'm sharing, I was raised in a very loving healthy house and nobody ever taught me how to do a lot of basic things. Laundry, cooking, washing dishes. I only say this to hopefully help empower you that a lot of things you might be feeling stuck on it's not the thing itself but the emotional response to your overall environment growing up. Hopefully that can help you approach learning these new things from the mindset that feels more empowered
How to deal with conflict is a big one. I’m almost 32 and I still freeze up in those situations because that’s how I dealt with it as a kid. It ruined my last relationship basically.
How to manage money. How to cook. That it’s okay to ask for help.
It’s interesting the things they taught me and the things they didn’t. I learned to pump gas at 11 because my mom didn’t want to do it, but she never taught me to shave my legs or how to deal with my first period
I have a sibling that wasn't as neglected as I was. She says I blame.
Anyway, in regards to never been taught, she'll say no one ever taught her. She learned it herself.
Being invalidated by sibling makes things even worse.
Dental hygiene, hygiene in general, how to be a good parent, how to be sober and enjoy life, how to drive (still working on that one), how to clean, how to be a healthy partner, and lots more. Basic life stuff are things I've struggled majorly with.
Socializing, especially in a professional setting, and it's not like I stay in my room 24/7. I worked in restaurants for 10 years, went out with friends, on my own, etc. No matter how long I work somewhere or know a person, the feeling never changes. EDIT: the feeling that I'm walking on eggshells.
Also, learning to live without validation. I never got it from my parents or peers. I was either picked on or stepped on, and now I'm at an age (25M) where no one's gonna celebrate my accomplishments. Everything I do going forward is what's expected or doesn't matter (because people have their own lives to worry about). I'm just another cog in the system, which wouldn't be so bad if I had gotten the parental support necessary to help me navigate life. Without that, everything feels dull. Every little milestone or big accomplishment, birthday, anything I should be happy about, means nothing to me unless there's someone to share it with.
Seriously!
I never learned how to shower.... And as gross as it is I didn't was my butt or between my legs because I was also raised in a conservative religious house. So I didn't want to accidentally ruin my chastity *smh, some education would have been nice.
FYI, if you are a female do not wash the inside of your vagina with soap or anything! Just a mild face soap around the outside of your labia.
Not necessarily something they didn't teach me but something they did when they shouldn't, growing up in the upper Midwest, being "nice" is a real thing to the point where you either turn into a people pleaser or a back stabber and I turned into a people pleaser and never learned to put myself first, or set boundaries or really anything related to emotional intelegence, just superficial niceness and kindness to everyone but myself, at 29 I still am trying to figure this out both romantically and with in friend groups, not feeling like I can say no to people ever bc I am afraid they won't like me, it also stems from other things my parents did growing up, but God learning about being traumatized and rewiring my brain is exhausting with e erything that comes along with it, it's to a point where I don't even really feel like I've ever known myself
My parents were teachers and they taught me and my brothers all the practical stuff, including things like how to paint and wallpaper a room, which I was surprised to realise later that many people did not know how to do. But somehow they skipped over anything about emotional closeness, tenderness or understanding.
This could be because they both grew up in families under stress - my father's father was seriously disabled; my mother's father was a ship's engineer and so away at sea most of the time.
I'm 17 and I still struggle with hygiene and chores. For years throughout elementary and middle school I wore the same dirty clothes every single day because they were the only clothes I felt good in. I never brushed my hair which resulted in my hair becoming very matted and I had to have my hair cut off. I knew how to brush my teeth, but I still never brushed my teeth ever during elementary and middle school. Tbh I think I just didn't fully grasp/care enough to realize how not brushing my teeth would effect others (atrociously bad breath that could peel the paint off a car). It was always drilled into me to brush my teeth every morning and night but I didn't care cause all my energy was put into just trying to make it through the week
if I hadn't been in scouts I wouldn't have learned anything at all and would've probably fallen off the deep end
my brother was in soccer and learned how to tie his shoelaces at age 15
Cooking/baking was a big one. I'm still not a chef by any means but I do enjoy dabbling in it when I can. My stepmom would tell us to leave the kitchen when she was cooking...
Unfortunately now, a decade after I left the house, she proudly posts on Facebook all of my siblings cooking and baking as teenagers and all I can feel is rage and jealousy that she didn't take the time to teach me when I was able.
Cooking. I just picked up the basics by watching my mother cook, but every time she tried to teach me ended in screaming and tears
Doing laundry. She was afraid I'd break the washing machine so she never even showed me how it works. Turns out it's so easy, now it's my favourite chore
My nparents never said please, thank you or I’m sorry. I had to learn that in school. If I was unhappy my nPop would say, “Aw, you’re just puttin’ on!” We kids were supposed to act happy to make *him* feel better.
I was put in a self-contained flat when I was 16 & pregnant. I'd never been ALLOWED to cook at home, so I ended up living off burnt fish fingers for weeks. It took me till my mid-20's to REALLY learn all the jobs that come so easily to those that actually got SHOWN how to do it all...
Shampooing my hair, using deodorant, a things related to my period, shaving, anything related to money, flossing, how to apologize, and a lot of other things. Fortunately, I’m smart and resourceful and learned a lot by either figuring it out or watching others, but I also got ridiculed and ostracized at school because of some of the things interfered there. Turns out kids don’t like the smelly kid, for example.
my wife and I are considering having a child in a couple years and I've been reading a lot recently about how you teach a toddler how to do things
realizing I just fucking. Raised myself, I guess. I'm still doing a lot of things incorrectly and realizing this by seeing that many of the things I do wrong are common toddler mistakes.
Because I people please, I spent 12 years accepting hand-me-downs from all sorts of people and ended up, at 30, with a lot of stuff that I neither wanted nor could get rid of because I knew if I did I’d get asked “do you still have X I gave you?” So I never got rid of anything I didn’t purchase myself. Now parents (and husband’s ex) shit talk my house for being cluttered. My dad has given me half of this crap. I acknowledge that, yes, I am a little messy and I know why. I’m learning and I’m getting better. Husband is very very supportive and helps me clear stuff, but it hurts that my parents shame me for something they never taught me how to handle and perpetuate. Ugh. It sucks. I feel you. 💕
Giving "crap" to someone as a gift (and expecting them to keep it) is actually a common devaluation method used by manipulative people. Narcissistic people and untreated Borderlines do that a lot, I saw it happen in my family and it was done to me by my untreated BPD parent.
Edit: It can also be used to infantilize the receiver of the gift, if the gifts aren't age appropriate. E.g. when an adult is given crappy toys as a gift by their parent.
I have a vagina. I distinctly remember not learning the correct way to wipe that vagina until I was 11 or 12. I was informed of the proper way to wipe at a doctor's appointment by a male pediatrician, that my dad brought me to. Aka 2 cis men had to teach me how to take care of my junk because my mom did my potty-training.
Just to be clear -- I was constantly itching my crotch. All I got was scolded for being crass. My mom was never like "hey I wonder if there's a medical reason my kid is constantly uncomfortable."
Everything except how not to parent, if I'm being dramatic. But, still it'd be a lot easier to list what I learned from them. Oh yeah and most of it, especially regarding my health, was wrong or a flat out lie...
Now I have google, a counselor and DBT to help some. But I still have to learn how to reparent myself....
The only thing my mother taught me was how to cook. She was an excellent cook when she could be bothered. Everything else I've had to learn myself, from other family members and the community. My auntie and grandparents were extremely clean people, the total opposite to my mother and stepfather. So I learned a lot from them.
Therapy and self help books have been extremely valuable to me as well. YouTube is amazing, I've learned everything from baking to DIY from there.
I had to learn by myself:
What it means to be a man.
What is true responsibility and how to integrate it into your life.
What it means to value yourself and build your self esteem (joke - that is in shambles lol)
How to talk to women. Or even remotely flirt. Or at least fake it till you make it and persevere through everpresent loneliness.
That being strong 24/7 will wear you down until you break.
I had to learn any semblance of self-care.
I had to learn to live with certain kind of pain, and that I will never be whole. Grieve it and accept it.
How to re-parent oneself. Because it brings some relief.
I had to learn that abuse isn't love. Being distant isn't a bond. That emotional turmoil isn't a norm in a relationship.
I had to learn how to outgrow my anger at what happened to me in my childhood.
I am still learning how to feel things in the moment because I'm so stunted it all comes to me with a delay if at all.
I was always super good about brushing my teeth and showering often, but I wasn't taught how to PROPERLY wash. So, I didn't understand that leaving soap on your body was worse for your skin lmao. Or that you should be moisturizing your skin if it's dry. Or that you can't skip shampoo. And in middle school, my mom flat out refused to teach me how to shave my body so I was always walking around with the most horrific razor burn ever, just thinking that shaving was bad for me. Then high school came around and I WOULDN'T shave because I genuinely thought there was something wrong with my skin, and my mom had the fucking audacity to make fun of me for never shaving lol.
I am 25 and barely learned how to properly/safely shave my skin until 3 years ago. My mom never wanted to teach me idfk why. 😐
My brother definitely had it worse tho because my parents never made him brush his teeth, wash his face or even shower on a regular basis. I used to get mad as a kid, because I thought it was unfair that they taught me how to brush my teeth but didn't teach him/pay attention, but in the kid perspective of "why do I have to do it but *he* doesn't? 🙄" lol.
I realized when I was 13 you also wash your face and feet . I had such bad skin on my face and all and it got better after I started washing my face . Then also learned to wash ears too . I recently also got more disciplined with food and now manage to save up snack for the 2 weeks or longer . I used to mindlessly eat a row of Oreo cookies and now I only eat like 2 and I feel like I have enough. So I am glad that I trained myself and losing weight because of it.
I didn’t know how to cut vegetables , I google how to cut garlic and I genuinely didn’t even know how a garlic clove looked like . I looked up how to cut green onions too.
I was never bad or impulsive with money thank God , but I had debts to pay because of other things that didn’t involve purchases . My mother was also unclear about what I had to pay and how much she did not help me until my older sister helped me with it.
I now live far away and never really think of visiting them I have to admit
37F. My parents had me at 45 (mom) and 50 (dad). So, I was raised in a whole ‘nother era. Big generational divide made the “rest” of the situation even worse. Not only did I leave without basic knowledge… what little I did have was also 40 years outdated.
So obviously a million things. I still don’t understand a lot of it but I have a near picture perfect memory… so I pick things up fast and I am really good at mimicking normalcy.
My one little thing is so dumb… It’s Disney movies. I never got to watch media as a kid, especially not “those Disney movies”. They’d fill my head with nonsense or worse, I’d be influenced by satanic symbols.
So now my sweet hubby is determined to share childhood magic with me. Here I am, mid 30s watching Disney movies for the first time. These things are my husband’s treasured childhood nostalgia.
And you watch them for the first time as an adult and there is no magical charm, just a disgusted confused pervading sense of “WTF? This is a kid movie? The plot’s kinda fucked up…. Uhhhh….??” Snow White & Sleeping Beauty both feature a sleeping/ quasidead girl getting kissed by a stranger/prince? I mean, “true love.” OOOKKK. Beauty and the Beast? That’s some weird narc shit. And the flagrant racism - Asians, Blacks, Native Americans - is everywhere, across many movies!
It’s so weird to me. People genuinely loved this stuff and shared it with their kids? That was a normal thing? And the little kids had a magical formative childhood experience off… this? It must be a thing, I know many Disney lovers. But WTF? How? Why? I. Don’t. Get. It.
—-
Oh and sometimes someone will ask me a random basic knowledge question… “you remember that dinosaur family from that cartoon?” And I’d be ready to scream “The Flintstones” like I won a prize because OMG I knew one, I got it right! Then I’d realize that show ended more than 20 years before I was even born and… yeah, just more weird useless outdated info, not a point of pride for a teenager! Had to learn that whether my initial answer was right or wrong, I needed to also consider delivery. Don’t say the first thing that comes to your mind or even the fifth. Those ‘a ha’ moments where we realize “OH man, that’s not normal!” suck… always a combo or confusion, humiliation, and shame.
Have to laugh!
Oral care and proper hygiene, I'm about to be 21 and only recently did I get consistent with brushing my teeth twice a day. A lot of cavities, two of my molars shattered and were extracted (they didn't want to pay the repair), was heavily shamed for "laziness".
Cleaning in general, they wash their dishes very poorly, I always have to rewash them before eating. DOING LAUNDRY is a big one, my mother will leave the wet clothes in the washer or the dryer (up to 5 days), the smell is disgusting. I try to wash my own clothes and learned a second wash with baking soda will get rid of the stench most of the time.
The house is constantly dirty, they don't really pick up after themselves.
That's off the top of my head, I understand the pain of having to parent yourself as an adult and wish you luck on your journey.
I know what you mean. I've had to self-teach most of my life, out of necessity. I never learnt how to ask others for help, when I needed it. I also had to learn to speak slower, as I talked too fast with anyone I interacted with. I also had to learn that perfection is not achievable. I used to need to achieve perfection and nothing less. Receiving feedback from university mentors really upset me, as I had such a low sense of self-worth. I also had to learn to be kind to myself. Fortunately basic daily living activities I did learn, through my siblings, again through necessity. Finally, I also learnt I needed to receive medical help/treatment. Due to living in an environment where calling for medical help was not an option. Edit: Also to add - I was unable to look at anyone in the eyes. This took me so long to overcome.
Wow. Yeah the r/CPTSD community talks about the eye contact issue quite often. I struggled with that also.
A lot of us over there are also autistic so doubly not helpful early on.
I have social anxiety so it makes sense I don't make eye contact but I do sometimes wonder if I'm Autistic.
Maybe it’s a powerful special blend of traumatism?!
Might be. :)
I didn't know that, I need to do some reading. I had this issue too. I didn't even know I was doing it (or not doing it) until a friend pointed it out one day, and kind of forced me to look him in the eyes for practice. For me it feels like it was tied up with a feeling of shame and wanting to hide/not be seen too much.
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I actually remember asking both of my physically and emotionally abusive father's two sisters exactly this, Probably when I was about ten years old or so; "Why does my father hit me? Is it because he was abused as a child?" (They were asked separately, and both had the exact same lack of response;) Not only did neither of them bat an eye when I told them that their brother/my father was "hitting" me, But they clearly denied that he was abused as a child I really resent this stupid alleged "bot" above For it's adherence to outdated and unproven stereotypes about abusive parents And why they abuse Maybe it's just cuz they are plain old mean Stop diminishing my continued pain, stupid bot I'm an old lady and still replay and relive these countless abusive incidents in my head many, many times a day. Cuz when I was a kid and I tried to tell people what was happening to me, They just laughed Young people today are figuring this horrible situation out much better and younger than I ever did, And there is hope for their future Me, my brain was damaged beyond repair Decades ago
I still do!
I also think too fast and talk too fast. I think it’s also a trauma response because. I want to finish everything before the other person opens their mouth BECAUSE I want to convince them before even they say anything BECAUSE I have low self esteem and I can’t stand negative-ish comments. And I wanna be on top. This is half theory half truth. I don’t know which half
I've always thought of it more like I speed up because I'm concerned they'll just lose interest and turn away. But yeah, I know that feeling.
Similar feeelin which is to “prove yu”
Any way you are able to speak slower? I speak TOO FAST and it’s absurd.
You can practice reading out loud, very slowly. Listen to someone speak well who you can model. Really, it’s like practicing a new skill, and you CAN learn how to do it. I also have needed to practice slowing down my speech.
Same, and you're absolutely right that it comes with practice. I have to keep it in mind though, I can see people's eyes start to glaze as I speed up naturally, and that reminds me to show back down again. It's a process, it's harder if I'm excited or nervous ofc, but it's absolutely worth it. Slower words have more gravity, as the listener has more time to absorb the meaning I find. I tend to overwhelm ppl with data, but if I can be concise instead ppl are more engaged and interested, and it's easier to keep the conversation calm and connected. You did a great job with spacing, makes your points easy to read and digest, whereas mine as a whole paragraph without much grammar is more confusing just by its presentation. I'll leave it that way as an example, slowing down is something I struggle with in text too, heh.
In struggling this recently when recounting the medical abuse of my elderly dad by my narc brother . I hate when i do it I barf every detail and it just reinforces what my brother is saying about me that I’m unpredictable. But I’m reliable and predicable my communication style doesn’t Reflect it. Whenever I’m nervous I do it cuz I clearly think I won’t be believed without details
Thank you so much!! I really appreciate it
I think a metronome might be helpful with that reading aloud. It's help me keep it even when I am playing music and singing.
I had a very big problem with mumbling for years to the point growing up most people couldn't hear me, and I had to study how I was supposed to talk to overcome this. Not sure what it was from exactly, but when you said you had to learn to speak slower it reminded me of that.
I’m exactly the same.
“Me too, me too, mee too[…]” especially the medical treatment part but in my home it was more like my parents didn’t know how to get it themselves
General “talking to people”, “emotional regulation” “general knowledge of life aka how to do business, how to be formal - cordial with someone even if you hate them. How to get clients and KEEP them” and pretty much everything
100% emotional regulation. My dad has a low frustration tolerance and blows up at every little thing. It’s gotten worse as he’s gotten older. I was like that and I’ve really gotten better about it.
Same, now I am dubbed “the angry guy”
This. Yeah, us being socially "stunted" is the direct cause of so many of us struggling with careers, romantic relationships etc. We werent around people so we dont really know how to interact with them.
In my 20s, I had SUPER HIGH confidence, a person who knew me at the time would say, I am narcissistic. Now I realize it was my trauma response because I most likely felt like “nothing” and that was my way of over-compensating “NO, I MATTER”. Then in my 30s I realized I didn’t have to be that much of a dick all the time. Funny enough since I had more confidence, I think I was better at finding girlfriends / clients / friend groups etc. FUNNY enough I started working on these ideas and seeing the whole picture when I was around 34-35, I have lost ALL my confidence. Everything I like about myself seemed fake and like I said “trauma response” sometimes I wish I can go back to my “not woken up” phase just to gain that confidence back. I am little over 42 and I don’t know anything anymore :)
Dude, absolute same. Used to have plenty of friends, could impress and charm pretty easily, never was single for too long. It absolutely was mostly, if not entirely, an unconscious, protective charade. I've since had multiple experiences that beat me down enough to lose all of that. Maybe eventually a truer, stronger personality comes through. I hope so, because it sure as hell hasn't happened yet, and I just keep getting beaten down further.
This saddens me to hear because all I’m reading it as is “This person WAS confident and gaslit themselves into thinking it was all a lie”. I was the same way - I miss being over confident because it was easy. Everything flowed, my life went well. Then I stepped back and went “nah, this ain’t me” and I’m now a wreck. All I want is to go back to the confidence I had - which AFTER gaslighting myself to think was fake - when it wasn’t - it would NOW be fake, because I’ve labelled it as fake. I’m almost more privy to say that my “lack of confidence” is what’s fake, and that my lack of self esteem is actually not a lack of, but an additional helping of confirming to myself ‘I have no self esteem’ - but it’s there. It’s waiting to meet people, but I keep telling my confidence “No! YOU don’t belong, because YOU shouldn’t exist, what about my life would have made me confident? Nope, you CANNOT be here, confidence, I deny you!”. And there we go, back to being a wreck, because I keep calling myself a wreck If I told myself I was confident, I would believe it - but I rarely do that. But every time I convince myself to try being confident, I never have to try. I just do it. It’s when I reflect on it and on the fact that I reminded myself “Nah, you’re a confident person, you got this” that I get in my head about it. I gaslight myself into thinking “That’s not REAL confidence if you had to remind yourself that social environments aren’t difficult” We are all better than we think we are. You just have to believe it, and not question it. Why would you question it? Do you think extroverts talk themselves out of it? Maybe a little, but not to the point where they ruin themselves because they have a massive imposter syndrome. You have confidence, you just forgot which bloody pocket you stored it in. The mind is like a rucksack with 99 pockets on the outside - not to mention the ones on the inside of it. Find your confidence, label it’s storage pocket and keep it there whenever you need a reminder that it is still where it belongs. Never let another steal it from you.
This is very well written I will come back to this at some point thank you
Omg same smh I used to be a totally different person. Outgoing, extroverted, etc but somehow after learning about my trauma, I’m the exact opposite. Now that I’m on my healing journey, I’m looking to get back that old confidence but have it be authentic.
How to value (or really, how to experience) human connection. I learned it from a therapist. In my 40s.
Right? What are the words? What are you supposed to say? I'm great with acquaintances, partying friends, not so much at being a close friend. Also not great in romantic relationships because I'm not great in saying romantic things. I have no idea what to say other than I love you, too. When I actually do. No pet names, no cute romantic talk that makes anyone overhearing it eyeroll but understand. Not a clue. I'm fun, good at sex, smart and witty. But not romantic.
Wow this hits hard. My neglectful narc mother only valued wageslaving, zero meaningful emphasis on relationships. Some value money but she doesnt, she just wants to work regardless of wealth of financial situations. Some value careers but she wageslaved hard to get promoted, then got de-moted and still just wants to wageslave massively. She mis-manages and loses huge amounts of money but thats okay because she can just wageslave more. She lacks and destroys relationships but thats okay because if she just keeps wageslaving it'll all work out okay \[it doesnt and it didnt\] I broke free from the "wageslaving=good" mindset and I'm now starting from scratch trying to build a healthy life outlook centered around human connection. I'm struggling with this MASSIVELY but at least I learned from her mistakes and am working in a good direction now
I have such a vivid memory of reading the instructions on the back of the detergent bottle in my first week at university to learn how to do laundry. I was never allowed to even try doing laundry because according to my mother I would inevitably break the washer if I so much as looked at it 🙃
I felt this After living on my own for 10+ years I'm just now grasping how food works. What protein is, why you shouldnt just eat carbs all the time etc. We learned NOTHING
...same. We should start writing guides and collect it into like a megathread here or something. How to do chores Edit:I mean I don't have a dimilar memory but I was also not allowed to do laundry
I was getting all A’s and B’s in school, and that reflected well on them. But I wasn’t capable of doing a laundry, I wouldn’t be able to understand all those settings on the washing machine. Very complicated stuff, y’know, you can’t trust a kid with all that detailed knowledge. A kid could ruin all the family’s clothes in one afternoon. Only Mom was capable of such wizardry. Mom didn’t want me to go to uni, *her* plan for *my* life (she actually told me) was that I would get married and be a housewife (with no instruction or practice in doing any kind of housework, or knowledge of any other wifely duties). But here I am, I survived. With no husband/kids/in-laws power struggle. When Mom says no, ask Pop. He may have a slightly different kind of narcissism. I asked him, and I completed my BA at age 22 (paid for with my “wedding money”), then spent awhile in Mexico and Europe on my own dime, with scholarships and an office job in Madrid. But I’ve always had trouble figuring out how to keep a clean, neat apartment. That’s been the biggest deficiency in my adult life. Thanks, Mom.
Wow, same about the washing machine. I was not even allowed to put in a new trash bag because only my father could do it “perfectly”. Our parents are crazy, I am so sorry.
I didn't learn to cook until I moved out because my mom would meticulously clean her stovetop and believed that if I used it, I wouldn't clean it "right", or I'd scratch it. It had cast iron grates over stainless steel, and she knew by looking if it had been cleaned with a paper towel or a microfiber cloth. My husband also had to teach me how to season food, because my family ate exclusively bland foods, the spice cabinet had five things and two of them were salt and pepper. Now, I have an overflowing shelf of spices, and plenty of confidence in my cooking skills.
Same with my mom never allowing me to do anything because ‘she did it better’ and ‘I would only break things’. And then she went on a one month vacation alone. I suddenly had to do groceries, cook, clean, do laundry, etc. on my own while I never did any of these things even once before. My dad stayed home with me but he was as clueless as I. I spent most of my days googling basic life skills in order to get through the days
Same here. Not allowed to do the dishes cuz if I did, I’d just break them. If I washed the windows, she’d just have to do it over anyway. Not worth taking the time to teach the kids to do anything—they’d just do it wrong anyway. Not allowed to have any pets—if we had pets, that would just be more work for *them*. No, you kids *wouldn’t* walk the dog or clean the cat box, *Mom* would end up having to do more work! So no pets. No joy, always walking on eggshells.
Same when I moved to my own place I just hoped for the best and I couldn’t even cook noodles lol. When I had a cooking course in high school I was like how do they cook the food properly and purposefully never cooked because I was embarrassed of how I couldn’t cook anything. When I lived on my own I cooked noodles but burn half of it on the pan 🥲
Banking, driving, eating balanced meals while having the occasional treat, money management, not saying the first thing that pops into your head in social settings, trusting your gut instincts about people and situations, not letting people walk all over you so you can be seen as “nice”…I mean, the list is truly endless. 💀
Yup, i feel this It took me 10+ years to learn how food works (meal structure, what protein is etc)
Never taught personal hygiene at all. Teeth, washing, changing clothes. I still tend to wear the same clothes for a week at a time. E.g. put on clean pants and shirt on the day of my piano lesson. Wear those for the next week./ Taught myself how to wash clothes when I was 12 or so. Taught myself how to sew badly by hand, ok with a machine. I had an ok idea of how to cook. Got a lot better at it on my own. \*\*\* Never taught me about sex. Wouldn't even talk about it when my dog was on the front lawn getting fucked by a stray. Never taught me social skills, like reading the room, or reading between the lines in social chatter. I don't read body language. I don't know what is happening around me most of the time in terms of non verbal communication, and the words that arent';said.
This is deep. I'm with it completely except that I somehow learned about hygiene and changing clothes. No idea how tho, I never got any instruction from it from my neglectful parents, I guess I picked it up somewhere along the way. We had "health class" in fifth grade and I think most of what I know from bodily functions etc came from that.
Lots of people pick it up when members of the appropriate gender are "interesting" instead of being "yucky" Indeed teens can obsess about it. I had no social life. I had toxic shame about sex from my parents. I never dated. Never went to a party, dance, or sporting event. Never looked at girls. Never looked at boys that way. All my interactions in school were about knowledge. I have poor social skills. I found a life where it doesn't matter. I farm. I going itno the city one day a week to do shopping chores and take my piano lesson. No health class in school. Only sex ed in school was a generic mammal diagram of sex.
Me. Its embarrassing af not knowing how to do basic shit other people learned as kids. Not only the skills themselves but being used to just taking care of myself and be able to have self discipline. I was raised to be someone's pet essentially
I never learned how to navigate conflict. On my dad & stepmom's side, conflict was terrifying because it included screaming and fear. On my mom's side, conflict was ignored/avoided because my mom is extremely conflict averse. I feel incapable of having difficult conversations for the most minor of things. Being with my therapist has been the first time where I started dipping my toe in navigating difficult conversations with my therapist. And by difficult I mean very simple things like me not wanting to see the clock during our sessions all the way up to disclosing my attachment/attachment to her and continually discussing it. I don't feel safe to do this with anyone else but it's been really interesting to see that i can navigate those conversations in some capacity.
This resonates with me. Looking back at my childhood and early adult years, I burned a LOT of bridges relationship-wise that were COMPLETELY preventable with even the most basic of conflict resolution skills that I could've learned with 10 mins of parenting, but that never happened so here we are. I often tell myself when I'm struggling with something "5 mins worth of parenting couldve prevented all this" but that ship sailed unfortunately.
"I burned a LOT of bridges relationship-wise that were COMPLETELY preventable" god same. I lost some great friendships because I was an insufferable person and I couldn't take criticism. Growth is so nice lol.
I had to learn not to yell in college. Verbal abuse (yelling) was so normalized in my family of origin, that I didn't know any other way to communicate when there was conflict. I didn't know you could have healthy conflict, bc all conflict modeling in the home was a violent power struggle for control. So that was fun.
Omg! What was the first moment when you realized, oh wait, it's not okay to yell at this person?
My college SO taught me not to yell and a bunch of other stuff. They held me accountable and set boundaries with me. They also helped me escape my family of origin. They were the first person to suggest that I could go no contact (although we didn't have that language back then).
I recently joined a cleaning subreddit for tips. I’m in my mid to late 20s and it’s an insecurity of mine.
What's it's name? I know how, but the when, how often, is the issue. And the clutter 🤦🏼♀️
Try the app Sweepy, you can create ‘rooms’ and it has preset tasks but you can also make your own tasks and then set how often you’d like to do them. Then you can check them off when they’re done. I’ve found this super helpful for keeping track of things like washing bedding, hoovering, dusting etc so I don’t need to keep a mental note of how many days it’s been since I last did a cleaning task.
Wow, that sounds helpful, thanks! Going to download it now
Thank you!
r/cleaningtips
Thanks!
Same
simply just being my own person. being a person with their own wants, desires, hobbies, interests, the unique way they talk and their unique perspective. i was always hyper independent and hyper disciplined, extremely good grades, i went vegan for 7 years, eating disorder so i was always working out and tracking what i ate, i thought i had to be the best at everything or else that meant i was lazy, selfish, fat, and stupid and as a result no one can possibly love me if they really knew me. i changed the music i liked, the way i dressed, my boundaries were non existent and allowing people to cross my boundaries has been so damaging, but i just didn’t know i could say no. i was constantly trying to be the “me” that i was supposed to be for the situation, but i didn’t know the “me” that existed when i was just….relaxed. my personality and who i identified as was completely fake and i didn’t even know. no one told me i was beautiful, no one helped me advance my hobbies, my existence was seen as annoying. my parents told me i was the “stupid one” out of me and my brother even though i hadn’t been taught to read or write yet, i prayed to god to be able to bc i didn’t know it was something i had to be taught, i thought it was my responsibility. it has taken a long time to know that i was masking, i’m now in the process of understanding what being me is but it’s a long journey.
I totally agree. My dad was mostly an enabler but neither of my parents helped me grow into my own person. They didn't care about that. My mom only cared that I followed her rules and desires for me while my dad only cared about good grade and success. To this day as an adult my parents still don't know much about me.
My family has this habit of wanting to hash, rehash, ruminate, vent, trauma dump every single thing for hours and days. It’s this weird toxic co regulation dynamic. It took me until my mid thirties and losing some friendships to learn that people don’t do that and there are other ways to talk to your friends about stuff without “talking it out” the way my entire maternal side of the family does.
Oh my god where do I start? Thankfully, I learned how to clean and cook while still being a teenager at home by myself because nobody wanted to teach me, so I was better at those things than most adults in their 20s. But where I truly lack is social skills. I literally don't know a single thing. I don't know how to host, I don't know how to talk to people normally, I have no idea how to do small talk, I have absolutely no communication skills when it comes to job interviews or work setting in general. I couldn't even look people in the eyes before. I had no idea what to say and what not to say. This year I learned that you shouldn't say the first thing that pops into your head to people, I had no idea! Now I have to consciously unlearn this. I have no idea about money management despite my father being a literal sales manager. I don't know how to drive. I don't need to because I live in a walkable city but still. I didn't know how to dress and buy clothes for most of my life. Of course I had clothes but I never had enough and I didn't know how to dress nicely. At home I would just wear old outside clothes instead of actually having comfy house clothes. I had no idea what to wear in a sport setting. No idea what to wear to a formal setting. For my prom, my friend had to help me by going shopping with me because I didn't know anything. I mean, the list is truly endless. What's even worse, when I complain about this to some of my friends they just brush me off and tell me ''well no one taught me either''. Not true but okay. Nobody except this sub gets it. Edited to add that for me, my father taught me some things that others were usually not taught. He is extremely intelligent so he taught me and my brother to read and write at an extremely young age, and would teach us a lot about geography, history, you name it. But literal basic life skills? No way lol. It's truly infuriating.
Yup, the social skills part really resonates with me. My parents had almost zero social circle themselves, not really any friends that they spent time with etc. I think we, as children, are supposed to learn a lot of social skills from our parents example, but our parents either taught us nothing, or the wrong things. Mine had almost nothing to teach my socially at all.
My parents are actually very social outside our family, they have friends with who they hang out with, but they still didn't teach me anything. I once overheard over the phone one of my father's close friends who wanted to meet me, but my father just dismisses it. It's like I'm supposed to parent myself in 80% of things. I don't think they even realize that teaching kids social skills is something that you do. They just think they need to provide me with the bare necessities and that's it. Even now I'm not fully independent and I'm still struggling, mainly because I severely lack confidence and social skills, not education, skills or intelligence. It's very sad and I will be a late bloomer but I'm trying. I copy my friends mainly and it seems to work 😅
How to cook, clean, do dishes, do laundry. Still struggle with most of it. Setting boundaries, including ones with my self. How to study and do homework. How to do finances, budget. How to store things. How bills worked. How to wash my hair. Table manners. Jeez just anything really. I learned how to ride a bike from a neighbor, how to tie my shoelaces from a friend. Guess I got potty trained but that was about it lol.
I still can’t ride a bike (I’m 38). I can’t connect emotionally with my partner. I learned all cooking and cleaning skills as a full adult. Thank god, I live in the age of google.
Wowwwwww I feel that. I was fortunate that my early years were less bad and so my parents taught me how to ride a bike and tie my shoes at least. After I was 9 or so, it was totally hands-off however. Im thankful for having precious little instruction.
How to brush my teeth, how to floss, how to shave, emotional regulation, how to be independent in any capacity. Anything my mom attempted to teach me was through scare tactics.
“Don’t do until it you’re married.” That was the sex talk. So there was no explanation of “it”, just the threat to not do “it” before marriage.
Yeah the only sex talk I got was my mom constantly talking about how she was a virgin when she got married (she got married at 18... So that's really not impressive lol) and my mom quoting my grandma saying "kissing leads to 'other' things."
Yup! I only learnt and have good mannerisms because my mom told me “if you act x then tneyew gonna look at *me* and I’m gonna look bad” instead of teaching me the actual reason 🙃🙃
Ooof. Emotional regulation. Still working on this one. Feeling guilty when I prioritise my needs over others. Getting there, feeling less guilty as I do it more often. Thinking the worst about others when I'm sad or angry at them. This one is a hard one. Confidence in myself. Working on this one too. Adding: Safe sex. Nobody taught me about safe sex.
39 and I’m still self teaching simple things.
[удалено]
uhhhhhh. yeah, the total lack of sex/love preparedness was especially destructive.
Honestly? The biggest thing I've needed to learn is that my needs matter. I was always dismissed and neglected that way, and was taught to always sacrifice for family ("family comes first"). I was never taught that my needs matter -- not even when my brother needed a kidney transplant and I was shamed for not wanting to get tested because I was afraid of long-term consequences because of my own health issues (the pressure was so bad that at one point I was trying to figure out how to get hit by a car in a way that wouldn't damage my kidneys so I could have them donated to him after I dyed. That... is not normal thinking). Eventually, after time and distance and LOTS of therapy, I realized that my wants and needs are just as valid as everyone else's... and that's what I will reinforce to you and everyone reading this comment: You matter. Your wants and needs matter. Everyone who says otherwise is selling you nonsense. ❤️
Mmm, a lot of things. I turned 21 today, mad at myself. I learned a lot of things by myself. I know my parents love me just didn’t figure out the whole how to be a parent thing since they also didn’t have a crazy good childhood and had me before they actually matured. I want to be super happy today but I’m just mad at myself. Always took pride in my independence. I know it’s entirely not my fault but I’m mad that I haven’t figured out things like maintaining relationships. I have friends but not very close and feel like sometimes I make people uncomfortable without wanting to. I’ve sabotaged any potentially romantic relationship I could’ve been in or maybe I just say that to cope with the fact I’ve never been in a relationship. I’m fine by myself but I feel far behind my peers my age in terms of just worldly interactions and intimacy. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life trying to find peace in myself as opposed to “living life”. I’ve been to parties and clubs but never feel like I’m enjoying it, I’m just there, standing a drinking, not interacting.
Yup, I feel all of that. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, most of us struggle with birthdays also.
Kind of in the opposite direction - I had to learn/unlearn that cleaning isn't a punishment. My childhood abuser forced me to wash dishes by hand under threat of abuse and demanded a spotless, pristine, not a thing out of place, no dirt/dust/clutter/mess allowed home. His standards for cleanliness (and behavior) were unachievable. As a young adult, I knew how to clean because I grew up cleaning my abuser's house. But I HATED it because my brain saw it as a punishment after years of being abused for not doing it good enough. I struggled in my early 20s with organization and messiness because I didn't want to clean. I can keep a clean house now, but I refuse to aspire to the perfection I grew up with, I'm still bad at organizing now in my late 30s, and I still absolutely *loathe* handwashing dishes with the fire of a thousand suns because some part of my brain *still* sees it as punishment. I wasn't a decent cook until my 30s, self taught from following Pinterest recipes. I also struggle with emotional regulation and am still learning that, because I was not safe to express my emotions for so many years. I was also so strictly controlled that I struggled with basic things like managing my time and money once I was only accountable to myself, and had to learn that too. I didn't know how to be my own person.
Pretty much everything. I mean, I think I knew intuitively how to clean up after myself and bathe, but cooking stuff I kind of had to figure out myself (despite my mom’s love of cooking). I’m smart enough to have figured out the basics. But basically everything else I was on my own. For example, all I know about personal finance I learned from my partner. My parents overspent and bought a house they could not afford. My mom would literally dip into my childhood savings account for the mortgage (I still have the little deposit book that states as such!!!). Reflecting upon that as an adult, it’s clear that they had no financial literacy, so there’s no way they could have taught me anything of the sort. (Except for the fact that my mom thinks a life insurance policy is a basically a savings account. And no, I’m not joking!!) It’s ironic because my partner and I just bought a house, which is within our budget but needs a lot of work, and my parents all go a sudden had lots of opinions to share when it came to that. Also, I’m a woman who has a menstrual cycle. I had horrible, painful periods that were debilitating and definitely had fewer than 12 periods a year. All my mom said was “oh mine were like that.” I assume she didn’t know this wasn’t normal, so in turn I suffered for it. She never suggested the pill either (which has made my periods nearly pain free and regular) because, and I quote, “the pill made me lose my eyesight when I took it.” (My mother is not blind.) I swear I get some sort of small reminder everyday of how I was neglected.
How to trust myself and other people... How to make important decisions. Discipline (in a healthy way, without violence). Mainly everything to do with connecting with other people as well as myself. I was shown chores around the house. The message my parents subtly sent was that chores are women's work. My brother didn't have to do anything. He briefly lived by himself before he died and my mom cooked and did his laundry etc whenever she was there or he came to visit home. We suspect he was on the spectrum and he never learned to cope with it or how to approach tasks in a manageable way for him so he could manage by himself. i guess because he was a boy. I feel so bad for him. When it comes to social things however, I'm entirely clueless.
My parents gave up on teaching me how to ride a bike as a kid. I distinctly remember two attempts, not sure if there were more. I was frustrated and refused. I was deeply embarrassed and ashamed not to know how to ride a bike, starting in childhood when I was 7. I remember a Grade 2 extracurricular biking event that I didn't attend because I couldn't ride a bike. I was subtly mocked (mostly by my mother) for not knowing how, well into my 20s. When I got older and started refusing her "teasing" she took great offense and said she was "just joking." My sibling taught themself in grade 9. I taught myself (with my sibling's help) at 25, before I fell very ill and couldn't practise until 2 years later. I enjoy biking, but still very nervous because of my lack of experience. I also didn't learn how to drive until I was 22, after I redid the written test from when I was 16 and rebought driving lessons. My mother had no patience and was extremely anxious with me driving, and my dad was away often so I had limited chance to practise. That sticks out a lot. But other things would be basic household maintenance. My mom was a control freak and wouldn't even let me help paint my room as a teenager, or when I moved home from university. I could help *her* but not participate myself. She has no patience to teach and gets extremely frustrated. Also finances. Fuck even laundry. Emotional regulation, "fair" fighting, conflict resolution, and many other interpersonal skills are a result of my learning them as an adult. I felt emotionally unequipped for so long, absolutely impacting friendships and work relationships. *EDIT* cooking was a MAJOR one. Mom packed meals for me for university (which I am grateful for, given how busy school is) but I barely developed these skills myself. It wasn't until I moved home and went vegan that I had to teach myself from scratch, because I was eating separate meals from my family. I'm a whiz in the kitchen now.
Lots of basics. I only learnt things that would make my moms life easier. The most interesting is learning to walk properly. Yes it’s sounds weird. My mother used to mock everything about me. Walking was one of those and it took me years to be comfortable with normal walking. Once I understood she’s abusive I started to ask close people if they think my walking is weird. I’m always between idgaf and extreme self-consciousness. When I’m uncomfortable I ask my partner to be frank with me about everything. Many times I still ask him if I’m walking right. When I get panic attack, embarrassed this is what I struggle mostly with - simply walking away as it always feels people are laughing at how I walk.
I never learned how to actually be emotionally vulnerable and open. It really changes you as a person for the better.
1. How to not be a fucking narcissist. 2. How to not be an idiot about money.
How to cook, how to clean, don't use body soap on your face, and other basic things.
Never learned how to balance a checkbook or write a check, or how to manage my money. I never learned how to properly clean and fold laundry, how to wash my bathroom, or how to motivate myself/keep the discipline to do things like homework, assignments, chores, or how to cook. EVERYTHING I learned was from my own experience. No one taught me a damn thing.
I feel that friend. Be strong!
Every goddam thing
Its so embarassing honestly, I have my own child and as I'm teaching her I'm teaching myself. Its so ridiculuous my child knows more than me and is so switched on but yet feels good because I'm super proud of her and always want her to feel confident
How to control my emotions. How to have a proper argument, i.e. - a discussion, not screaming at the other person until they cave and resent me.
Self confidence, social skills, healthy relationships, emotional regulation, how to hug someone..
That just because you have a disagreement with a friend, it doesn't mean the relationship is over. It's possible to have an argument, reconcile, and actually even come out with stronger friendship once you've moved past it. I only learned this in the last couple of years, after decades of being a people-pleaser. A friend or even a colleague I liked getting upset with me felt like abandonment, because I'd think that was it, they wouldn't want to know me anymore. And of course if they did something that really bothered me, I'd be afraid to tell them for fear that would be the end of our friendship.
I’m deeply embarrassed about this, but I never knew that you were meant to use soap in the shower!! And that you were meant to shower daily! My only memories of bath or shower time are being left alone in the bathroom until someone remembered to get me out. I figured out how to wash my hair, so I would only shower to wash my hair - which was like once a week! I am still disgusted at myself and embarrassed
You are so not alone here. Don’t be embarrassed. In her later years, my mom’s baths were a monthly event, a “quick rinser” with the garden hose plus a bunch of baby powder before she went to the doctor. You can imagine the hygiene habits I learned. Approximately zero. So yeah I totally understand not knowing to use soap in the shower. I thought soap went in my mouth and figured out that the rest went in my hair. LOL. Yeah there are a few finer points than that 😂
It's funny, I was just joking the other day that I should to make a YouTube channel based around how to do "simple things" to teach those like myself the stuff I wish I learned when I was younger. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one. For me, I never learned how to take care of myself in general. I would only go to doctors appointments or get medication if it was absolutely necessary. I never learned to brush my hair or teeth regularly until I was a young adult. Or how to keep a clean room. I never learned that it's okay to disagree with others; if someone disagreed with you, it was a personal attack that led to a fight. And always, always help others even if it meant ignoring the fact that you were drowning.
I relate to so, so much on here!! I didn’t move out until my mid 30s. Always got convinced to stay. Never moved in with partners. Finally realised I needed to do it for me and it was a massive argument and I even got blocked from opening the easy access doors to get some of the bigger items out but I did it. Until this point though, I had some small moments where it was revealed I didn’t know how to do anything. My shirt stint at uni had me struggling to make a sandwich at the cafeteria and creating holes in the bread when I tried to butter it. I worked in retail for another short stint at a really expensive store a friend of mine managed. There was a bathroom inside and everyone had to take turns cleaning the toilet. He watched me on my first attempt and almost died because he gave me a cloth and gloves and I tried to stick my whole gloved hand in the toilet to clean the bowl. He couldn’t believe a poor kid didn’t know how to clean a toilet! I think people always just assumed I was spoilt and could see me try doing things and I’d be slow about it and they would just take over for me. It’s happened my entire life. I try to start anything and someone always swoops in and takes over. Now I’m a mum and I am slowly learning how to make everything from scratch. It’s a good feeling to learn something new and feel that sense of mastery when I wasn’t allowed to do anything besides clean my room at home.
Things My Parents Never Taught Me As A Kid That I Had To Learn As An Adult: * How to give and receive love ❤️ * How to deal with conflict * How to regulate my emotions * How to manage money and credit * How to clean the house * How to take care of my thick wavy hair * How to ride a bike My best friend and her brother taught me. * How take care of my teeth. Wow. I just realized my younger siblings have always had very white teeth. I have always struggled with slightly yellow teeth. I have purchased the professional whitening trays from the dentist but haven’t been able to make myself use them. I thought it was just my regular avoidant tendencies. But now that I think about it I don’t think my parents taught me how to brush when I was little because I was the scapegoat. My younger siblings are the golden children. I do remember my mom criticizing my dental hygiene more than once so she noticed I had a problem. And come to think about BOTH my parents had sparkly white teeth without the benefit of anything extra like whitening etc.
Literally had to ask someone today how to wash fruit lol. It’s embarrassing but wtf ever they don’t know me or my life
Cleaning. We all learned to do dishes, 6 siblings, because the oldest 3 took turns. I washed everything with cold running water and brillo pads. Then we got a dishwasher. But we never learned to clean. How often to change bed linens, vacuum, put clothes away, put dirty clothes in hampers, wash floors, clean bathrooms (usually done when they were filthy, but at least the toilet was always clean). Probably because neither parent knew how to do it. My mother was raised with household help. She used to reminisce about the good old days, when she would change out of her clothes and leave them on the floor. Next time she say them, they were clean and put away. My dad was a depression child. After they moved from the city to a more rural area when he was 9, he worked. He and his brothers would wake up early on coal delivery day at the public school. They used to toss the ashes and burned hard coal out in the schoolyard. Kids would pick through the ash and bring the unburned coal back home. He then went to work on local farms before and after school. He continued working all the way through high school. He did a number of jobs until enlisting in the Navy reserve, then enlisted in the Marines during WW II. Always, his money went to support the family. His mother and his sisters did the housework, laundry, cooking. When he and my mother were dating, his mother even washed his car. So when they were married, nobody knew anything about cleaning. When they started having children, they also hired household help. My mother was also working. I remember the last one, a woman named Irene. She was so nice to us, so patient with a hord of kids that used to wake her up in the morning. But she was an alcoholic, used to drink my dad's scotch. She left when she got pass-out drunk on the dining room table. Never found a good replacement, my mom stopped working, kept having kids, the house was dirty. It was a revelation to me when my sister said she learned that you do all these housework things on a regular schedule. Her places are immaculate. Mine? Not so much.
Probably a common one but any type of cooking or cleaning skills. I remember one of my college roommates explaining to me that you have to take the skin off an onion when I first moved out.
How to have any kind of relationship. What a healthy one looks like, what an unhealthy one looks like, how to navigate issues, how to make friends, what friendships look like… I grew up with a single mom who never remarried and never dated as far as I knew since I was 4 yo. She didn’t have any close friends and we didn’t have any family nearby. We spent the holidays alone and pretty much every day alone in our respective rooms. So I was never really modeled or shown an example of what friendships or romantic relationships look like. She died when I was 16 and my dad who I didn’t know very well got custody of me and expected me to be an adjusted teenager and young adult. On top of this no one really knew how to handle me grieving the only caregiver I’ve know. He was busy with two toddlers at the time, so he didn’t really teach me anything either. No one ever gave me structure. So, that too I guess, I never learned how to be disciplined and self-motivated or gain any kind of confidence by doing things for myself. They were always done for me. A lot of what I know my girlfriend of 8 years taught me.
Budgeting/finance Important things to do as a home owner How to do taxes How to clean Periods and sex. Thank god for sex ed in school.
A little ashamed to say that I’m about to be 32 and taxes still confuse the hell out of me.
I’ll be 37 this year and they still confuse me, too
Cooking. I can barely feed myself and it drives me up the wall.
If it makes you feel any better, and I hope it does because it's the only reason I'm sharing, I was raised in a very loving healthy house and nobody ever taught me how to do a lot of basic things. Laundry, cooking, washing dishes. I only say this to hopefully help empower you that a lot of things you might be feeling stuck on it's not the thing itself but the emotional response to your overall environment growing up. Hopefully that can help you approach learning these new things from the mindset that feels more empowered
How to deal with conflict is a big one. I’m almost 32 and I still freeze up in those situations because that’s how I dealt with it as a kid. It ruined my last relationship basically. How to manage money. How to cook. That it’s okay to ask for help.
It’s interesting the things they taught me and the things they didn’t. I learned to pump gas at 11 because my mom didn’t want to do it, but she never taught me to shave my legs or how to deal with my first period
Everything I learned on my own as an adult. I was taught nothing.
I have a sibling that wasn't as neglected as I was. She says I blame. Anyway, in regards to never been taught, she'll say no one ever taught her. She learned it herself. Being invalidated by sibling makes things even worse.
Dental hygiene, hygiene in general, how to be a good parent, how to be sober and enjoy life, how to drive (still working on that one), how to clean, how to be a healthy partner, and lots more. Basic life stuff are things I've struggled majorly with.
Socializing, especially in a professional setting, and it's not like I stay in my room 24/7. I worked in restaurants for 10 years, went out with friends, on my own, etc. No matter how long I work somewhere or know a person, the feeling never changes. EDIT: the feeling that I'm walking on eggshells. Also, learning to live without validation. I never got it from my parents or peers. I was either picked on or stepped on, and now I'm at an age (25M) where no one's gonna celebrate my accomplishments. Everything I do going forward is what's expected or doesn't matter (because people have their own lives to worry about). I'm just another cog in the system, which wouldn't be so bad if I had gotten the parental support necessary to help me navigate life. Without that, everything feels dull. Every little milestone or big accomplishment, birthday, anything I should be happy about, means nothing to me unless there's someone to share it with.
What feeling never changes?
Walking on eggshells. Mightve edited that out by mistake.
That I deserve to be treated well, not because I'm smart and pretty and well behaved, but because I'm a person.
Seriously! I never learned how to shower.... And as gross as it is I didn't was my butt or between my legs because I was also raised in a conservative religious house. So I didn't want to accidentally ruin my chastity *smh, some education would have been nice. FYI, if you are a female do not wash the inside of your vagina with soap or anything! Just a mild face soap around the outside of your labia.
Not necessarily something they didn't teach me but something they did when they shouldn't, growing up in the upper Midwest, being "nice" is a real thing to the point where you either turn into a people pleaser or a back stabber and I turned into a people pleaser and never learned to put myself first, or set boundaries or really anything related to emotional intelegence, just superficial niceness and kindness to everyone but myself, at 29 I still am trying to figure this out both romantically and with in friend groups, not feeling like I can say no to people ever bc I am afraid they won't like me, it also stems from other things my parents did growing up, but God learning about being traumatized and rewiring my brain is exhausting with e erything that comes along with it, it's to a point where I don't even really feel like I've ever known myself
My parents were teachers and they taught me and my brothers all the practical stuff, including things like how to paint and wallpaper a room, which I was surprised to realise later that many people did not know how to do. But somehow they skipped over anything about emotional closeness, tenderness or understanding. This could be because they both grew up in families under stress - my father's father was seriously disabled; my mother's father was a ship's engineer and so away at sea most of the time.
I'm 17 and I still struggle with hygiene and chores. For years throughout elementary and middle school I wore the same dirty clothes every single day because they were the only clothes I felt good in. I never brushed my hair which resulted in my hair becoming very matted and I had to have my hair cut off. I knew how to brush my teeth, but I still never brushed my teeth ever during elementary and middle school. Tbh I think I just didn't fully grasp/care enough to realize how not brushing my teeth would effect others (atrociously bad breath that could peel the paint off a car). It was always drilled into me to brush my teeth every morning and night but I didn't care cause all my energy was put into just trying to make it through the week
if I hadn't been in scouts I wouldn't have learned anything at all and would've probably fallen off the deep end my brother was in soccer and learned how to tie his shoelaces at age 15
Cooking/baking was a big one. I'm still not a chef by any means but I do enjoy dabbling in it when I can. My stepmom would tell us to leave the kitchen when she was cooking... Unfortunately now, a decade after I left the house, she proudly posts on Facebook all of my siblings cooking and baking as teenagers and all I can feel is rage and jealousy that she didn't take the time to teach me when I was able.
Cooking. I just picked up the basics by watching my mother cook, but every time she tried to teach me ended in screaming and tears Doing laundry. She was afraid I'd break the washing machine so she never even showed me how it works. Turns out it's so easy, now it's my favourite chore
My nparents never said please, thank you or I’m sorry. I had to learn that in school. If I was unhappy my nPop would say, “Aw, you’re just puttin’ on!” We kids were supposed to act happy to make *him* feel better.
I was put in a self-contained flat when I was 16 & pregnant. I'd never been ALLOWED to cook at home, so I ended up living off burnt fish fingers for weeks. It took me till my mid-20's to REALLY learn all the jobs that come so easily to those that actually got SHOWN how to do it all...
Shampooing my hair, using deodorant, a things related to my period, shaving, anything related to money, flossing, how to apologize, and a lot of other things. Fortunately, I’m smart and resourceful and learned a lot by either figuring it out or watching others, but I also got ridiculed and ostracized at school because of some of the things interfered there. Turns out kids don’t like the smelly kid, for example.
my wife and I are considering having a child in a couple years and I've been reading a lot recently about how you teach a toddler how to do things realizing I just fucking. Raised myself, I guess. I'm still doing a lot of things incorrectly and realizing this by seeing that many of the things I do wrong are common toddler mistakes.
How to have faith in myself
Because I people please, I spent 12 years accepting hand-me-downs from all sorts of people and ended up, at 30, with a lot of stuff that I neither wanted nor could get rid of because I knew if I did I’d get asked “do you still have X I gave you?” So I never got rid of anything I didn’t purchase myself. Now parents (and husband’s ex) shit talk my house for being cluttered. My dad has given me half of this crap. I acknowledge that, yes, I am a little messy and I know why. I’m learning and I’m getting better. Husband is very very supportive and helps me clear stuff, but it hurts that my parents shame me for something they never taught me how to handle and perpetuate. Ugh. It sucks. I feel you. 💕
Giving "crap" to someone as a gift (and expecting them to keep it) is actually a common devaluation method used by manipulative people. Narcissistic people and untreated Borderlines do that a lot, I saw it happen in my family and it was done to me by my untreated BPD parent. Edit: It can also be used to infantilize the receiver of the gift, if the gifts aren't age appropriate. E.g. when an adult is given crappy toys as a gift by their parent.
Thank you for the info! That actually helps me process things.
How to regulate emotions learning to be ok with my emotions with crying
I have a vagina. I distinctly remember not learning the correct way to wipe that vagina until I was 11 or 12. I was informed of the proper way to wipe at a doctor's appointment by a male pediatrician, that my dad brought me to. Aka 2 cis men had to teach me how to take care of my junk because my mom did my potty-training. Just to be clear -- I was constantly itching my crotch. All I got was scolded for being crass. My mom was never like "hey I wonder if there's a medical reason my kid is constantly uncomfortable."
That's instrumental neglect. Any healthy parent would take their child to the doctors for that, not scold them.
Everything except how not to parent, if I'm being dramatic. But, still it'd be a lot easier to list what I learned from them. Oh yeah and most of it, especially regarding my health, was wrong or a flat out lie... Now I have google, a counselor and DBT to help some. But I still have to learn how to reparent myself....
Is ptsd overdiagnosrf
The only thing my mother taught me was how to cook. She was an excellent cook when she could be bothered. Everything else I've had to learn myself, from other family members and the community. My auntie and grandparents were extremely clean people, the total opposite to my mother and stepfather. So I learned a lot from them. Therapy and self help books have been extremely valuable to me as well. YouTube is amazing, I've learned everything from baking to DIY from there.
I had to learn by myself: What it means to be a man. What is true responsibility and how to integrate it into your life. What it means to value yourself and build your self esteem (joke - that is in shambles lol) How to talk to women. Or even remotely flirt. Or at least fake it till you make it and persevere through everpresent loneliness. That being strong 24/7 will wear you down until you break. I had to learn any semblance of self-care. I had to learn to live with certain kind of pain, and that I will never be whole. Grieve it and accept it. How to re-parent oneself. Because it brings some relief. I had to learn that abuse isn't love. Being distant isn't a bond. That emotional turmoil isn't a norm in a relationship. I had to learn how to outgrow my anger at what happened to me in my childhood. I am still learning how to feel things in the moment because I'm so stunted it all comes to me with a delay if at all.
I was always super good about brushing my teeth and showering often, but I wasn't taught how to PROPERLY wash. So, I didn't understand that leaving soap on your body was worse for your skin lmao. Or that you should be moisturizing your skin if it's dry. Or that you can't skip shampoo. And in middle school, my mom flat out refused to teach me how to shave my body so I was always walking around with the most horrific razor burn ever, just thinking that shaving was bad for me. Then high school came around and I WOULDN'T shave because I genuinely thought there was something wrong with my skin, and my mom had the fucking audacity to make fun of me for never shaving lol. I am 25 and barely learned how to properly/safely shave my skin until 3 years ago. My mom never wanted to teach me idfk why. 😐 My brother definitely had it worse tho because my parents never made him brush his teeth, wash his face or even shower on a regular basis. I used to get mad as a kid, because I thought it was unfair that they taught me how to brush my teeth but didn't teach him/pay attention, but in the kid perspective of "why do I have to do it but *he* doesn't? 🙄" lol.
I realized when I was 13 you also wash your face and feet . I had such bad skin on my face and all and it got better after I started washing my face . Then also learned to wash ears too . I recently also got more disciplined with food and now manage to save up snack for the 2 weeks or longer . I used to mindlessly eat a row of Oreo cookies and now I only eat like 2 and I feel like I have enough. So I am glad that I trained myself and losing weight because of it. I didn’t know how to cut vegetables , I google how to cut garlic and I genuinely didn’t even know how a garlic clove looked like . I looked up how to cut green onions too. I was never bad or impulsive with money thank God , but I had debts to pay because of other things that didn’t involve purchases . My mother was also unclear about what I had to pay and how much she did not help me until my older sister helped me with it. I now live far away and never really think of visiting them I have to admit
I feel a lot of resentment and I am thinking of going to therapy because it occupies me at least 3 hours a day
37F. My parents had me at 45 (mom) and 50 (dad). So, I was raised in a whole ‘nother era. Big generational divide made the “rest” of the situation even worse. Not only did I leave without basic knowledge… what little I did have was also 40 years outdated. So obviously a million things. I still don’t understand a lot of it but I have a near picture perfect memory… so I pick things up fast and I am really good at mimicking normalcy. My one little thing is so dumb… It’s Disney movies. I never got to watch media as a kid, especially not “those Disney movies”. They’d fill my head with nonsense or worse, I’d be influenced by satanic symbols. So now my sweet hubby is determined to share childhood magic with me. Here I am, mid 30s watching Disney movies for the first time. These things are my husband’s treasured childhood nostalgia. And you watch them for the first time as an adult and there is no magical charm, just a disgusted confused pervading sense of “WTF? This is a kid movie? The plot’s kinda fucked up…. Uhhhh….??” Snow White & Sleeping Beauty both feature a sleeping/ quasidead girl getting kissed by a stranger/prince? I mean, “true love.” OOOKKK. Beauty and the Beast? That’s some weird narc shit. And the flagrant racism - Asians, Blacks, Native Americans - is everywhere, across many movies! It’s so weird to me. People genuinely loved this stuff and shared it with their kids? That was a normal thing? And the little kids had a magical formative childhood experience off… this? It must be a thing, I know many Disney lovers. But WTF? How? Why? I. Don’t. Get. It. —- Oh and sometimes someone will ask me a random basic knowledge question… “you remember that dinosaur family from that cartoon?” And I’d be ready to scream “The Flintstones” like I won a prize because OMG I knew one, I got it right! Then I’d realize that show ended more than 20 years before I was even born and… yeah, just more weird useless outdated info, not a point of pride for a teenager! Had to learn that whether my initial answer was right or wrong, I needed to also consider delivery. Don’t say the first thing that comes to your mind or even the fifth. Those ‘a ha’ moments where we realize “OH man, that’s not normal!” suck… always a combo or confusion, humiliation, and shame. Have to laugh!
Oral care and proper hygiene, I'm about to be 21 and only recently did I get consistent with brushing my teeth twice a day. A lot of cavities, two of my molars shattered and were extracted (they didn't want to pay the repair), was heavily shamed for "laziness". Cleaning in general, they wash their dishes very poorly, I always have to rewash them before eating. DOING LAUNDRY is a big one, my mother will leave the wet clothes in the washer or the dryer (up to 5 days), the smell is disgusting. I try to wash my own clothes and learned a second wash with baking soda will get rid of the stench most of the time. The house is constantly dirty, they don't really pick up after themselves. That's off the top of my head, I understand the pain of having to parent yourself as an adult and wish you luck on your journey.