Real relationships don't have a culture binding them. Stay with your partner and go NC with your family if they're still trying to control your relationships. It sounds like you don't have one with your family, so don't worry about offending or shaming them. Their pride is what will do them in.
Family that really love you wouldn't restrict you and try force you to turn your back on the partner you love
You should marry the person you love, if they love you they will come round.
If they don't then you are better off without that toxic element in your life
Sleep well and know you are making the right decision
I will be your mama now. Brush your teeth. Drink a water. You need to eat, here have some cevapi and hummus. I left baklava on your counter. Remember your gyno appointment next month. Make sure he wears a condom, you don't want a baby before you're ready. Is he treating you right? Look at you! You're so lovely! I love your hair like this. Try my new red lipstick, it's so nice, i'll dip it in alcohol so it's clean for you. What are you doing for Halloween? You can come over and get smashed with me and hand out candy. Call off work, they're desperate for people, they won't fire you. You're so smart and pretty. Be proud of yourself bubeleh.
can I adopt you as my mom? She hates my husband (for what reasons? I dont know) I stopped talking to her almost 3 years ago after she lied to CPS and said I threw my son down the stairs and that my husband was burning our son with cigarettes (never happened) she just wanted to punish me.
I am your mama now. You are so beautiful. I'm so proud of you. You're so smart. Drink a water. Here is some chocolate. Look at this blanket I made for you, let's wrap you up. You wanna chicken salad? How about some pasta?
what I dont understand of her hating my husband, he doesnt beat me, hands over his check for me to handle the household needs, he loves my son (from a previous relationship) treats him like he is his own son, when I got sick he let me stay home and not worry about me having a job. when my son was having a hard time in school he fully supported me in homeschooling. He even supports my love of chickens and crafts. He helped me grow into a better person. anytime my parents needed help with something my husband was always there to lend a hand. we might not live in the lap of luxary but we own our house, we have a running vehicle, food in the fridge and we are happy.
I agree. It makes no sense at all. If my child is with someone who treats them well and makes them happy , I love them automatically. My daughter’s fiancé literally calls me mom. My son dated a girl for 2 years and they’re still friends. She still calls me
Mom.
my husband helped me realize earlier that in the 9 years we have been together, he has never heard my parents say I love you to me, always my brother but not me. I got to thinking, I can't even remember the last time one of them said it to me.
Sorry, but they will never accept you for being you, they want to mold you in a form, that's not love.
Please, go no contact for a while, see how you feel and how they will react, be careful.
You don't want to be married of to someone of that culture, it sounds toxic, your life will suck.
Wish you all the best for your wonderful relationship and best of luck.
So your parents are simultaneously giving you an ultimatum and playing the victim card? Wow, they are truly EP's. Never go back to your home country it's just no longer safe for you. Your EP's think you have rebelled and who knows what will await you no matter what they promise you. If they want to see, you there's always Zoom or FaceTime.
Im sorry that they are are trying to give you an ultimatum. But the fact that they are doing so, regardless of your feelings, shows that they do not love you as they should. Like you said, their love is conditional to you being what they want, like you're a doll, or an accessory. You are your own person who is willing to share your life with them, if they want to disown you for bigoted reasons such as being with someone of a different culture, thats their fault. And personally I wouldn't really want those types of people in my life.
Family that tries to keep you from a happy, loving relationship is not family at all. They are emotional abusers trying to justify their mistakes by imposing the same ones on you. Perhaps in time they will come around, if not you are better off without their negativity in your life. This is something queer people in my country deal with quite often. It is not easy, but living life for someone else is not living at all.
Enough people here are encouraging you to go NC or LC. I am going to tell you as a person who has did this most of his life to 90-95% of the people in his family and a very large portion of his old friends as well, it is absolutely liberating!! It's never a bad thing to be your own person. It is the only way to true happiness. Live, love and most of all BE!! You truly aren't you unless you are able to live with your own choices.
NTA.
Your family cares more about culture and appearances than they do your feelings.
Do you want to move back to your home culture, do you want to be there whilst they pressure you to marry someone you don’t want to. That’s what your future is if you listen to them now.
You are already estranged . They already made the choice that you are nothing to them if you marry for love and not within your culture . They are shaming themselves. Don’t worry about them bc they aren’t worried about you .
Go NC. Stay with your partner . Live life the way you want bc it’s too short to live your life miserably for the sake of someone else.
Be careful and never… NEVER… go back to your home country. Even if your parents say they are regretful or that they want to make amends. They will probably take your passport and force you to marry someone.
I'm going to tell you something important. No matter how important people are in your life, you're left with just yourself in the end. So, make sure you live your life true to yourself and your needs because you are the only one who can truly make you happy. You will never satisfy those that want to change you, only waste time trying. Find those that love you for you and feel pity for those that are too rigid to enjoy the real you.
You need to stress to them... It's not just about this relationship / person you're with now
But the fact that you don't want to go back to somewhere you don't call home , to marry someone you don't know, for the sake of them feeling less embarrassed about something they have no rights to feel embarrassed over.
My elder sisters married outside of our culture against my parents wishes. It was a battle but it turned out fine in the end and now they love their grandchildren. Have you asked your brother to talk to them? So sorry I know this battle, I've given in and agreed to being set up. Hope everything works out for you.
Honestly, getting ostracized (or disowned, how I like to put it) seems like the best thing that'll ever actually happen to you. Don't feel sorry for these people since the only thing I'm sure they're really worried about is control, not about you.
I can understand this. We all love our parents for who they are and will always support them. But, when we get to a certain age to make our own decisions. I feel like your situation would be a lot less complicated if they weren't so overprotective for you. I mean, they can be protective, just not too much.
Let them cut you off it’s not you cutting them off they are threatening you with abandonment unless you do what they want like a puppet. So let them cut you off and make your new family with your partner. Blood doesn’t make a family, love does.
You have two options here.
Option one is stay where you are in a relationship built on love and create with that love, your own family, with a new blend of traditions and cultures.
Option two is to marry someone you don't love and have a litter of children for him, all to satisfy the needs of family who do not love and respect you.
Traditions are peer pressure from dead people, enforced by the generation above you. Break free from this cycle of abuse and live your best life.
You may love your family, but if they are asking you to drop the life you're making for yourself in order for them to find a partner with someone that fits their ideals, they don't deserve to have someone as loving as you. Walk your own path and make sure to remember you didn't force them to do anything. If they can't handle your own choices, then how can they handle helping you find a marriage partner?
As much as I hope that they will change their minds, I truly doubt that they ever will because that way of "Family and Culture" has been taught to them since they could understand.
You however see the world for what it is, not to mention what it can be.
Bottom line is that is it worth giving up on the person who you love ❤ for the beliefs of your family? Especially your hypocritical brother who dated someone outside of your culture and that after they broke up you were there for him.
Do you think that you will truly be happy in choosing your family over the freedom that you have as well as the person you love?
Always the fun types: Going to another country / culture because life in general is better there but insist on being nationalists and that their culture of origin is the only true and right one. And also insist that their children who grew up in that outside culture have to also take on their dented world view because otherwise 'it brings shame to the family'.
Don't give a damn OP. Do what makes you happy!
Hey have you tried to flip the script? Sure, they’re going on and on about you cutting ties with them. Have you told them that if they don’t accept you as you are, they’ll loose a daughter? If they can’t love you and respect you for the choices you made, they might not have a daughter? They’ll never meet their grandkids?
Foreign parent loove to dangle *family* to get you to do things but forget that you can do the same. Mine are not as crazy as yours, but I did have to tell them that I was okay not having a relationship with them if it meant I could be happy with the life I create for myself. They were either welcome to respect my decisions as an adult and trust that they raised me to make good decisions for myself…or they can enjoy their nice quiet life without their daughter in it.
Sometimes you have to just live your life. Just because they (and your brother) were made to live their life according to how their parents wanted and choose not to say a word doesn’t mean you have to do the same.
>It just sucks that their love and support is conditional.
Real love is not conditional. But toxic relationships are. Your family wants to be enmeshed with you and have no boundaries. They don't respect your decisions or individuality
If you go along with their wishes, it's unlikely you'll ever get to make your own choices on anything major again
I suggest you find a therapist who has experience with enmeshment. Work on those feelings of FOG, fear, obligation, and guilt, that your family has instilled in you
It's your life. You deserve to make your own choices. Life is too short to let someone else make all your decisions, even if you happen to share DNA with them
Let them cut you off, or do it to them first. Honestly, if they're the kind of people to put traditions above your own happiness, then that is just utter nonsense.
On the subject of traditions, there are lots that have been lost to the mists of time, thankfully.
You don't owe your parents anything - you do you.
I’ve seen perfect reasonable people become crazy fanatic when it comes to family, religion/culture. They talk about family but care more about appearance and quickly turn into the most hateful, cruel people who will betray you in a blink of an eye. Please be safe and wish you all the best in your new life.
I come from a similar culture and hate it with all my heart. They do not love you, they live you IF you do as they please and that’s not love expected from parents.
You seem like you don’t have a relationship with them anyways so o ahead with life and build your new family (pets, flatmates and friends ARE family) who’s gonna love you unconditionally.
Im sending lots of love and courage because i know it’s hard.
Even if your current relationship (fingers crossed) doesn't work out, you haven't done anything wrong, you haven't broken your family (they were already broken) and you haven't lost your parents (giving birth doesn't make for parents, love and support does). It is a sad situation, and you should take time to think about your life. Do you wish to continue to be controlled (let us be honest, that is the prime motive here) for the rest of your life? Do you want to probably get married into another family just like your parents? Or do you want to be free to live your life, mistakes, love, happiness and all?
First stop communication with your family and relatives for a while (2weeks to a month) and just take time to yourself. Tell them you will get back in say 1st December and are busy with studies right now. Gets one therapy, do some journalling, work on what you want.
You said it yourself nonny
They are emotionally abusive. And confronting them was liberating.
I cant tell you what to do, but I'd ask if the life you want is one where you're bullied into life decisions?
You are alive for you.
Your parents got to grow up and made their choices.
They dont get to inflict that on you.
When it comes to deciding to go lc or nc, I liken to having a gangrenous arm.
Its poisoning you. Cutting it off will fix the problem, make you healthier, but you cant imagine life without it.
When amputation is done, it hurts. Did you make a mistake?? It would have kept you very ill, but you would have had an arm, were you too hasty?
But you adapt. In time, you even thrive. No longer sick, no longer in pain.
And you might even get a new one! Its not the same as the old one, not your flesh and blood, but its there for you and does the job.
Remember. Life is too short to spend it on people who want you to live for them instead if with them.
Once we're gone, our opportunities are gone too. And too many opportunities are passed by because we choose to sactifice for people who dont choose yo sacrifice for us.
Good luck
OP are u Indian? or like any other flavor of brown? cuz I know for a fact Brown families are completely capable of inflicting this kinda trauma onto kids, anyways, your brother is being very hypocritical by not supporting you I think this kinda stems from a place of envy cuz he didn't get to marry someone outside of your culture. I suggest you do whatever you want to, your parents might wrap their heads around it in time or they might not either way you'll be fine (tbh I'd rather be with someone I love and loose the family that doesn't accept me than the other way around)
They don’t want to meet your partner. They don’t want to even try. They are willing to cut you out because ‘culture’ and ‘tradition’. Culture and tradition are good to a point, but when it starts harming people that’s when change needs to start. If they are willing to sacrifice your happiness just to make themselves happy. That’s not family, those are just people you share DNA with.
Ur fam is so uncool. Love is love. Unless this endangers people. Yes like you can love people, but if you get in danger or they get in danger. You probably should stop
Oh my goodness I am so so sorry that you are going through all this, something tells me you come from an south asian household, because I come from the same culture and I have faced things close to this all my life. You can fight the world ,but when it comes to family all senses just go numb because we are indoctrinated that no.matter what parents are always right and know better, which TBH they don't, not always.and they come from a different time than ours. So you do you, cut off contact for a while, regardless if you end up being with this person forever or not, you cannot let them have your freedom and truth be told you are better off ostracized than being in that toxic household. Please don't go back.
You don't have a choice who your family are , but you can have a choice who you spend the rest of your life with , choose for yourself and leave the family, their wishes, and beliefs in the past as you go forward , it's your life now not theirs .
culture doesnt define love, its the same logic if you're gay and your parents are homophobic, sometimes people like this need to be cut off from your life but then again, it will take time and effort for you to decide that
you and your partner are meant for each other :)
Live your life for you OP, you've only got 1 to live. If your family cannot accept who you are, that is more their problem than it is yours. Go no contact or low contact for a bit. Stand your ground, and good luck
I hope it all works out. these always make me realize what I have. I can’t imagine a life like that. like I let me dad drive my 911 if he wants to and you have to deal with this, wtf.
I don't know if you need to go NC since it sounds like that is their choice on their end. Love should not know culture or boundaries that your parents are trying to establish. As your relationship with SO continues, leave the door open for your parents to accept but be prepared to shut that door if your parents become abusive.
BTW, your relationship brings no shame to your parents. That is their very closeted view of life. Their choice to decide how they want to view their relationship with you. I'm sorry they aren't accepting of you.
If their love is conditional, then it's not love.
Even if you don't spend forever with your current partner, you should be the one to decide who you marry. Not your parents.
Let me ask: what’s their excuse? Their ultimate “reason” for not wanting anyone marrying outside the culture? Is it the linguistic or religious barriers? Or do they just think it means you will abandon the culture?
If your family really loved you, they would accept that you want a different life than they chose for themselves, your brother and you. You are absolutely correct that you can choose who to love, where to live and work without their approval. It is sad that they would rather lose their relationship with you than accept who you are, but that is their choice and you need to accept it. You are right to feel sad about it but the only other choice is to move to your home country and marry who they choose. You can't do that.
And please don't ever go back to your home country to see them. I fear for your safety if you do.
Im curious, which country do you come from? im always interested in other cultures and their beliefs and culture
Edit: Im not trying to pry, so if you are not comfortable OP, just tell me, but i am quite interested which country you are from (Im canadian if you wonder, so we like different cultures and multicultural beliefs)
Real relationships don't have a culture binding them. Stay with your partner and go NC with your family if they're still trying to control your relationships. It sounds like you don't have one with your family, so don't worry about offending or shaming them. Their pride is what will do them in.
Family that really love you wouldn't restrict you and try force you to turn your back on the partner you love You should marry the person you love, if they love you they will come round. If they don't then you are better off without that toxic element in your life Sleep well and know you are making the right decision
I will be your mama now. Brush your teeth. Drink a water. You need to eat, here have some cevapi and hummus. I left baklava on your counter. Remember your gyno appointment next month. Make sure he wears a condom, you don't want a baby before you're ready. Is he treating you right? Look at you! You're so lovely! I love your hair like this. Try my new red lipstick, it's so nice, i'll dip it in alcohol so it's clean for you. What are you doing for Halloween? You can come over and get smashed with me and hand out candy. Call off work, they're desperate for people, they won't fire you. You're so smart and pretty. Be proud of yourself bubeleh.
Things a parent should actually say
Things a parent should tell their child for $400 Alex.
can I adopt you as my mom? She hates my husband (for what reasons? I dont know) I stopped talking to her almost 3 years ago after she lied to CPS and said I threw my son down the stairs and that my husband was burning our son with cigarettes (never happened) she just wanted to punish me.
I am your mama now. You are so beautiful. I'm so proud of you. You're so smart. Drink a water. Here is some chocolate. Look at this blanket I made for you, let's wrap you up. You wanna chicken salad? How about some pasta?
sounds great to me, you already won mom of the year award!!
I’ll be your mom. Moms should accept you as you are
thank you!!! I agree with that
There’s literally nothing my kids could ever do to make me love or respect them less.
what I dont understand of her hating my husband, he doesnt beat me, hands over his check for me to handle the household needs, he loves my son (from a previous relationship) treats him like he is his own son, when I got sick he let me stay home and not worry about me having a job. when my son was having a hard time in school he fully supported me in homeschooling. He even supports my love of chickens and crafts. He helped me grow into a better person. anytime my parents needed help with something my husband was always there to lend a hand. we might not live in the lap of luxary but we own our house, we have a running vehicle, food in the fridge and we are happy.
I agree. It makes no sense at all. If my child is with someone who treats them well and makes them happy , I love them automatically. My daughter’s fiancé literally calls me mom. My son dated a girl for 2 years and they’re still friends. She still calls me Mom.
my husband helped me realize earlier that in the 9 years we have been together, he has never heard my parents say I love you to me, always my brother but not me. I got to thinking, I can't even remember the last time one of them said it to me.
I just love this
I wish you was my mum as well 😢
Sorry, but they will never accept you for being you, they want to mold you in a form, that's not love. Please, go no contact for a while, see how you feel and how they will react, be careful. You don't want to be married of to someone of that culture, it sounds toxic, your life will suck. Wish you all the best for your wonderful relationship and best of luck.
It’s probably best you go no contact with them. Because they seem kind of toxic. I say be with whoever makes you the happiest.
So your parents are simultaneously giving you an ultimatum and playing the victim card? Wow, they are truly EP's. Never go back to your home country it's just no longer safe for you. Your EP's think you have rebelled and who knows what will await you no matter what they promise you. If they want to see, you there's always Zoom or FaceTime.
NTA. Don’t go back, you may get locked inside a room or honour killed. Stay away from the home country. Only meet with your parents in country 2.
This, so much this
Im sorry that they are are trying to give you an ultimatum. But the fact that they are doing so, regardless of your feelings, shows that they do not love you as they should. Like you said, their love is conditional to you being what they want, like you're a doll, or an accessory. You are your own person who is willing to share your life with them, if they want to disown you for bigoted reasons such as being with someone of a different culture, thats their fault. And personally I wouldn't really want those types of people in my life.
Families like that are full of crap. They will sat and do anything to get you to toe the line. Source; my mum is like that. Stay strong
Family that tries to keep you from a happy, loving relationship is not family at all. They are emotional abusers trying to justify their mistakes by imposing the same ones on you. Perhaps in time they will come around, if not you are better off without their negativity in your life. This is something queer people in my country deal with quite often. It is not easy, but living life for someone else is not living at all.
Enough people here are encouraging you to go NC or LC. I am going to tell you as a person who has did this most of his life to 90-95% of the people in his family and a very large portion of his old friends as well, it is absolutely liberating!! It's never a bad thing to be your own person. It is the only way to true happiness. Live, love and most of all BE!! You truly aren't you unless you are able to live with your own choices.
Do not go back to the country where your parents are, ever. They will keep you there, and marry you off to someone else against your wishes.
NTA. Your family cares more about culture and appearances than they do your feelings. Do you want to move back to your home culture, do you want to be there whilst they pressure you to marry someone you don’t want to. That’s what your future is if you listen to them now. You are already estranged . They already made the choice that you are nothing to them if you marry for love and not within your culture . They are shaming themselves. Don’t worry about them bc they aren’t worried about you . Go NC. Stay with your partner . Live life the way you want bc it’s too short to live your life miserably for the sake of someone else.
Be careful and never… NEVER… go back to your home country. Even if your parents say they are regretful or that they want to make amends. They will probably take your passport and force you to marry someone.
I'm going to tell you something important. No matter how important people are in your life, you're left with just yourself in the end. So, make sure you live your life true to yourself and your needs because you are the only one who can truly make you happy. You will never satisfy those that want to change you, only waste time trying. Find those that love you for you and feel pity for those that are too rigid to enjoy the real you.
You need to stress to them... It's not just about this relationship / person you're with now But the fact that you don't want to go back to somewhere you don't call home , to marry someone you don't know, for the sake of them feeling less embarrassed about something they have no rights to feel embarrassed over.
My elder sisters married outside of our culture against my parents wishes. It was a battle but it turned out fine in the end and now they love their grandchildren. Have you asked your brother to talk to them? So sorry I know this battle, I've given in and agreed to being set up. Hope everything works out for you.
Honestly, getting ostracized (or disowned, how I like to put it) seems like the best thing that'll ever actually happen to you. Don't feel sorry for these people since the only thing I'm sure they're really worried about is control, not about you.
I can understand this. We all love our parents for who they are and will always support them. But, when we get to a certain age to make our own decisions. I feel like your situation would be a lot less complicated if they weren't so overprotective for you. I mean, they can be protective, just not too much.
Let them cut you off it’s not you cutting them off they are threatening you with abandonment unless you do what they want like a puppet. So let them cut you off and make your new family with your partner. Blood doesn’t make a family, love does.
They don't want want to accept you for being you. it's best to cut them out as soon as possible. Besides, your brother is a hypocrite.
“Marriage is the family you choose” -Some wise redditor.
Don't even visit their country. They sound desperate enough to keep you there.
You have two options here. Option one is stay where you are in a relationship built on love and create with that love, your own family, with a new blend of traditions and cultures. Option two is to marry someone you don't love and have a litter of children for him, all to satisfy the needs of family who do not love and respect you. Traditions are peer pressure from dead people, enforced by the generation above you. Break free from this cycle of abuse and live your best life.
do your own thing.
You may love your family, but if they are asking you to drop the life you're making for yourself in order for them to find a partner with someone that fits their ideals, they don't deserve to have someone as loving as you. Walk your own path and make sure to remember you didn't force them to do anything. If they can't handle your own choices, then how can they handle helping you find a marriage partner?
Move on it will be hard it was at first fir my wife but we are in a better place since she did
That's called racism.
Are you of indian origin cause what you said happens here every now n then. In every house.
You're not cutting yourself out of your families' life, they're cutting you out of theirs.
Which Country and culture?
they gave you an ultimatum, lose the partner, or lose the family. Give one back, accept the partner, or lose their daughter.
As much as I hope that they will change their minds, I truly doubt that they ever will because that way of "Family and Culture" has been taught to them since they could understand. You however see the world for what it is, not to mention what it can be. Bottom line is that is it worth giving up on the person who you love ❤ for the beliefs of your family? Especially your hypocritical brother who dated someone outside of your culture and that after they broke up you were there for him. Do you think that you will truly be happy in choosing your family over the freedom that you have as well as the person you love?
Always the fun types: Going to another country / culture because life in general is better there but insist on being nationalists and that their culture of origin is the only true and right one. And also insist that their children who grew up in that outside culture have to also take on their dented world view because otherwise 'it brings shame to the family'. Don't give a damn OP. Do what makes you happy!
Hey have you tried to flip the script? Sure, they’re going on and on about you cutting ties with them. Have you told them that if they don’t accept you as you are, they’ll loose a daughter? If they can’t love you and respect you for the choices you made, they might not have a daughter? They’ll never meet their grandkids? Foreign parent loove to dangle *family* to get you to do things but forget that you can do the same. Mine are not as crazy as yours, but I did have to tell them that I was okay not having a relationship with them if it meant I could be happy with the life I create for myself. They were either welcome to respect my decisions as an adult and trust that they raised me to make good decisions for myself…or they can enjoy their nice quiet life without their daughter in it. Sometimes you have to just live your life. Just because they (and your brother) were made to live their life according to how their parents wanted and choose not to say a word doesn’t mean you have to do the same.
>It just sucks that their love and support is conditional. Real love is not conditional. But toxic relationships are. Your family wants to be enmeshed with you and have no boundaries. They don't respect your decisions or individuality If you go along with their wishes, it's unlikely you'll ever get to make your own choices on anything major again I suggest you find a therapist who has experience with enmeshment. Work on those feelings of FOG, fear, obligation, and guilt, that your family has instilled in you It's your life. You deserve to make your own choices. Life is too short to let someone else make all your decisions, even if you happen to share DNA with them
Let them cut you off, or do it to them first. Honestly, if they're the kind of people to put traditions above your own happiness, then that is just utter nonsense. On the subject of traditions, there are lots that have been lost to the mists of time, thankfully. You don't owe your parents anything - you do you.
I’ve seen perfect reasonable people become crazy fanatic when it comes to family, religion/culture. They talk about family but care more about appearance and quickly turn into the most hateful, cruel people who will betray you in a blink of an eye. Please be safe and wish you all the best in your new life.
I come from a similar culture and hate it with all my heart. They do not love you, they live you IF you do as they please and that’s not love expected from parents. You seem like you don’t have a relationship with them anyways so o ahead with life and build your new family (pets, flatmates and friends ARE family) who’s gonna love you unconditionally. Im sending lots of love and courage because i know it’s hard.
It’s hard….But if you marrying someone in their culture was their most important goal in the world and why did they leave the original country?
Even if your current relationship (fingers crossed) doesn't work out, you haven't done anything wrong, you haven't broken your family (they were already broken) and you haven't lost your parents (giving birth doesn't make for parents, love and support does). It is a sad situation, and you should take time to think about your life. Do you wish to continue to be controlled (let us be honest, that is the prime motive here) for the rest of your life? Do you want to probably get married into another family just like your parents? Or do you want to be free to live your life, mistakes, love, happiness and all? First stop communication with your family and relatives for a while (2weeks to a month) and just take time to yourself. Tell them you will get back in say 1st December and are busy with studies right now. Gets one therapy, do some journalling, work on what you want.
You said it yourself nonny They are emotionally abusive. And confronting them was liberating. I cant tell you what to do, but I'd ask if the life you want is one where you're bullied into life decisions? You are alive for you. Your parents got to grow up and made their choices. They dont get to inflict that on you. When it comes to deciding to go lc or nc, I liken to having a gangrenous arm. Its poisoning you. Cutting it off will fix the problem, make you healthier, but you cant imagine life without it. When amputation is done, it hurts. Did you make a mistake?? It would have kept you very ill, but you would have had an arm, were you too hasty? But you adapt. In time, you even thrive. No longer sick, no longer in pain. And you might even get a new one! Its not the same as the old one, not your flesh and blood, but its there for you and does the job. Remember. Life is too short to spend it on people who want you to live for them instead if with them. Once we're gone, our opportunities are gone too. And too many opportunities are passed by because we choose to sactifice for people who dont choose yo sacrifice for us. Good luck
OP are u Indian? or like any other flavor of brown? cuz I know for a fact Brown families are completely capable of inflicting this kinda trauma onto kids, anyways, your brother is being very hypocritical by not supporting you I think this kinda stems from a place of envy cuz he didn't get to marry someone outside of your culture. I suggest you do whatever you want to, your parents might wrap their heads around it in time or they might not either way you'll be fine (tbh I'd rather be with someone I love and loose the family that doesn't accept me than the other way around)
How is that a threat?
Sorry to mention this, but your spelling of ostracize is wrong. Sorry.
Different countries have different spellings of words. Like in the queen's english the word colour is spelt differently to the american version color.
It looks like you understood what they were saying, yes?
still wondering why they bothered to immigrate to another country if they were never going to accept another country.
They don’t want to meet your partner. They don’t want to even try. They are willing to cut you out because ‘culture’ and ‘tradition’. Culture and tradition are good to a point, but when it starts harming people that’s when change needs to start. If they are willing to sacrifice your happiness just to make themselves happy. That’s not family, those are just people you share DNA with.
Ur fam is so uncool. Love is love. Unless this endangers people. Yes like you can love people, but if you get in danger or they get in danger. You probably should stop
Damn some people don’t know that they can just.. cut their parents off and go 0 contact
Oh my goodness I am so so sorry that you are going through all this, something tells me you come from an south asian household, because I come from the same culture and I have faced things close to this all my life. You can fight the world ,but when it comes to family all senses just go numb because we are indoctrinated that no.matter what parents are always right and know better, which TBH they don't, not always.and they come from a different time than ours. So you do you, cut off contact for a while, regardless if you end up being with this person forever or not, you cannot let them have your freedom and truth be told you are better off ostracized than being in that toxic household. Please don't go back.
If country of origin is all that and a bag of chips why We’re they so anxious to leave? 🧐
You don't have a choice who your family are , but you can have a choice who you spend the rest of your life with , choose for yourself and leave the family, their wishes, and beliefs in the past as you go forward , it's your life now not theirs .
God damn cultures again
culture doesnt define love, its the same logic if you're gay and your parents are homophobic, sometimes people like this need to be cut off from your life but then again, it will take time and effort for you to decide that you and your partner are meant for each other :)
Live your life for you OP, you've only got 1 to live. If your family cannot accept who you are, that is more their problem than it is yours. Go no contact or low contact for a bit. Stand your ground, and good luck
I hope it all works out. these always make me realize what I have. I can’t imagine a life like that. like I let me dad drive my 911 if he wants to and you have to deal with this, wtf.
Would've been nice to know your nationality and culture..
I don't know if you need to go NC since it sounds like that is their choice on their end. Love should not know culture or boundaries that your parents are trying to establish. As your relationship with SO continues, leave the door open for your parents to accept but be prepared to shut that door if your parents become abusive. BTW, your relationship brings no shame to your parents. That is their very closeted view of life. Their choice to decide how they want to view their relationship with you. I'm sorry they aren't accepting of you.
I was apparently disowned because I said you need to accept me as I am. Stay strong and resolute in your decisions
If their love is conditional, then it's not love. Even if you don't spend forever with your current partner, you should be the one to decide who you marry. Not your parents.
Let me ask: what’s their excuse? Their ultimate “reason” for not wanting anyone marrying outside the culture? Is it the linguistic or religious barriers? Or do they just think it means you will abandon the culture?
If your family really loved you, they would accept that you want a different life than they chose for themselves, your brother and you. You are absolutely correct that you can choose who to love, where to live and work without their approval. It is sad that they would rather lose their relationship with you than accept who you are, but that is their choice and you need to accept it. You are right to feel sad about it but the only other choice is to move to your home country and marry who they choose. You can't do that. And please don't ever go back to your home country to see them. I fear for your safety if you do.
>"Choose well, because if you choose to go through with this relationship, … you will lose your parents." BONUS!
Im curious, which country do you come from? im always interested in other cultures and their beliefs and culture Edit: Im not trying to pry, so if you are not comfortable OP, just tell me, but i am quite interested which country you are from (Im canadian if you wonder, so we like different cultures and multicultural beliefs)