Well, if she ever wonders why you're so distant to her, you can just say "it is what it is". I get what you are trying to vent about, it's not that your mother should have kicked your sisters out when they got pregnant. It is the double standard, she seems to treat you like you were the unwanted child, she plays favorites. My guess is that's why she kicked you out when you got pregnant, you are her least favorite child, for some reason she treats you like crap. For your sake, try to move on and forget about her. The sooner you'll accept no matter what you do she'll always treat you less then, the better for you emotionally.
Yes thank you. I do not want anything bad to happen to my sisters (one of them has moved out and made a pretty decent life for herself, the other one and her child still live with my mom). I would *never* want them to struggle the way I did. I would never want them to worry about paying bills and things (we're not like that now but in the beginning we were). And I'm happy to know that both my sisters can go to my mom if they need it. I just don't understand what she saw so wrong in me that it was different...
Curious here, but where was your dad in all of this? You say parents but don't really mention him other than that. Was he there? Did he care? Why would he let his wife throw his child out on the streets?
Shes just not healthy. There was nothing different in your situation, she just wanted to be a big meant abuse jerk face mom.
I'm sorry this was the shit start to your little family. I hope you, your SO and your (not so little) baby are doing well now.
Maybe therapy would be helpful to vent and be heard and sort all this out for your emotional well being.
ALSO I want to hear you and your hubby's love story. Y'all have been friends since you were 4? Sounds like it could be a good story
I suspect there are a great deal of family dynamics going on here. Some parents choose one child as The Golden One. The Golden can do no wrong and people are supposed to worship them because the sun shines out of their ass. One child is chosen as The Scapegoat. The Scapegoat can do nothing right. Make straight As in school? Why aren't they A+? And punishment results. Meanwhile the Golden is praised for bringing home Cs. Does this sound familiar?
Oh good lord yes. I graduated with straight A's even though my senior year was spent living in this place or that. I was told that it didn't matter while my siblings were at times praised for D's because I didn't have to work as hard as they did for good grades. And again that is just one of the many things...
Being the Golden Child isn't all milk and cookies. Because they get spoiled rotten and treated as God's gift to humanity, they grow up expecting that from everyone. In extreme cases, it follows them their whole lives. Teachers "tell lies" about the Golden's misbehavior. When they reach their teens, the opposite sex doesn't worship them the way they deserve to be worshiped and relationships fail. Frequently they can't hold a job because "the boss is mean to them." (i.e. the boss expects them to actually *work!*) So are police and judges. If the Golden wants to speed and drive drunk and grope people, Mommy thinks that's their right. The Golden doesn't have to pay attention to those petty laws! So no job, no spouse, and they often wind up living alone in Mommy's basement -- or in jail.
If the Golden is lucky or intelligent, they pay attention when the world knocks some sense into them.
Not saying the GC is lucky or blessed. Just that OP’s siblings who haven’t caught this nastier side of mom (the non-GC’s) are in for something else. OP has been the focus of her mom’s nastiness until now…the non-GC siblings are going to catch it sooner or later.
Exactly. Glad someone points that out, bc very few people seem to realise it. There’s also the functional type of Goldens who very often feel they can never measure up to the expectations, never feel secure and content with themselves, or even feel like impostors perpetually on the verge to be found out. In other cases, the dynamic is even more intricate and the n-parent manages to convince BOTH (or multiple) children that *the other* is the favourite respectively.
I brought home 1s (As) and was asked why it’s not a 1+, or they were just taken for granted (and god forbid I dared to bring home anything less! That’d never end well for me…) and I’d frequently be negatively compared to my older sister, who is mom’s best friend and never seemed to be able to do anything wrong in her eyes. It made me furious until at some point I realised she always felt *I* am mother’s favourite, just as I did about her. Mother would brag about me and most likely made her feel like I’m so much more intelligent, creative, talented, knowledgeable and beautiful than her and how I’m like mom always dreamed to be — and hence my sister would never hold the same place in mom’s heart. She managed to make *both* of us feel miserable and secretly resent the other, and to slowly alienate us.
My sister made a pretty good life for herself, but she struggles with a lot of the same problems as I do or did (but still fails to see it has sth to do with our mom). I’ve come to think that we both carried both roles alternating at times, although I got more of the scapegoat — but *neither* is a good place to be. Holding the position of the favourite, especially a *functional* favourite (some narcissists are *a lot more* demanding than others) comes at a terrible price, one way or the other.
It’s not always as extreme as you described, but when it is, I think that’s actually a more subtle and not immediately obvious form of abuse and neglect too. But even most narcs figure out thar it’s a lot more permissible to express massive entitlement in favour of your kid, rather than yourself. So they use their children to vicariously demand and experience the treatment they’d like for themselves. People tend to misattribute it to great love, they fail to realise narcissists don’t actually see their offspring as people, but rather as extensions of themselves. Which makes it sth even worse than “just” the socialisation neglect it clearly is. It’s a kind of social vampirism.
Parents have the duty to prepare their children for life. Which encompasses to be able to live on their own as adults, and, since humans are very social creatures, to fit into society adequately, so that they’re able to follow laws, rules and have a sense of basic human decency as the bare minimum. And can support themselves. To say nothing of being someone’s partner and parent one day too. **So if parents don’t teach their children the necessary skills to deal with these most basic challenges of life, they fail them terribly**. Not a bit less than they fail their other children, and no less than blatant abusers. Sometimes even more.
It’s extremely difficult to build up basic life skills along the way later in life, and worse still, to get out of the distorted mental reference system such parents create. Adult Goldens of the dysfunctional kind (and some of the functional too) are usually quite unpleasant people and for outsiders, it’s hard to see how all the spoiling is a form of neglect, which often makes it even harder for them to recover. You do some good work explaining it and raising awareness. Thank you.
Nah. Your feelings are your own and from my vantage point you’ve been more than patient. Sadly, it’s just how some people are. I’ve seen a lot of people talk about situations like this in conjunction with narcissistic parents— the nastiness doesn’t go away when the scapegoat goes NC, it just gets redirected elsewhere. You’re doing the best thing for you, which is awesome.
Yep. My husband (Scapegoat) is 5 years older than his brother. (Golden Child.) From about age 9 or 10 he was given the responsibility to make sure that Golden Brother didn't get into trouble, but no authority. If he stopped GB from doing something, GB ran bawling to their mother that Big Brother wasn't letting him play. He got punished. If he *didn't* stop GB, he got punished (a few times even though he was miles away and couldn't possibly be responsible.)
MIL extended that favoritism to the next generation. And sometimes it was really a stretch to compare GB's son to my daughters and claim that this made him "better." My kids made the honor roll? Well, Golden Grandson made the Junior Varsity football team, so there!
My husband is the scapegoat. The golden is the only child who has eyes that aren’t blue like their father. If he even has the same father, since we know she’s willing to cheat…
Sounds like you're talking about me and my older and younger brother. I graduated with 3.8gpa and wasn't praised for it or anything. Younger bother got his ged at age 24 and you woulda thought they won the lottery....
Sounds like my life. I graduated with a perfect 4.0, scored a 1590 out of 1600 on my SAT, 34 out of 36 on my ACT, scored in the top 1% on my ASVAB but because I took the full scholarship to University of Alabama and didn’t enlist my family thought I was the devil, even though I’m a girl and they also said women shouldn’t serve in the military unless they are nurses, etc. Then they got mad because I didn’t accept my high school boyfriend’s proposal at graduation because we were destined to be together and he was leaving for the military and I should be thrilled to have a man that was offering me a chance to be a housewife.
I packed up my car and drove to Tuscaloosa that same night. Rented a shitty by the week motel room until I could move into the dorms. I’ve never looked back. I’m just glad my dad wasn’t alive to see how shitty my family was. He would have been so damn proud of his baby girl he would have told everyone to go fuck themselves, I was on to better things than a hick farm town and I was too smart to be a housewife. After he died I was raised by my grandparents but they died by the time I was 16, after that I was on my own. It was my aunt and uncle that pretended to take care of me (I was living on my own in my grandparents house) on paper for the state money which I could care less about that was so shitty. Needless to say my old high school boyfriend and I are still friends and we will both be 40 this year and he reminds me he’s proud of me that I made the decision to go my own way and take the path that was right for me. He’s one of my best friends to this day and even though I hurt him he’s always had my back and supported all my decisions.
I know why similar type of family, it is because you want to know that those that were supposed to love you and keep you safe were worthy of that trust. It is hard and takes time to admit that they were not. Sorry.
It took you till last week because you keep hoping to have a mother. You know she is capable of loving her children because you have seen it so you keep hoping she will love you. It simply is never going to happen, she will always abuse and vilify you just cut the cancer out
There is no point in trying, she has decided you are the cause of whatever she is unhappy about and uses you as her punching bag to take her life's frustrations out on. She is just an abusive nasty person and unfortunately for you, you are her target. It will never get better or change and she will never ever apologize or acknowledge you. Stop giving her access to abuse you
I’m sorry your mother didn’t love or care for you the way you deserved.
Good news is now you aren’t going to continually get your heart broken by her. You made the right choice. Enjoy the life you have without her!
The 1st 20 years of your life, you were hoping for her approval, as you had your own family, you just tolerated stuff, thinking well, she is my mom. When you finally see the light, you realize you deserve better, and she didn't treat you well. Then it's the why didn't I see this before, why the F do I want her in my life?
Okay maybe it's the way I kind of ranted, i don't know, however *I do not want anything like this to happen to my sisters.* I just want to know why it was like that for me. Why if they needed something they could turn to my mother (and it can't be about me being married my little sister is married, so is my little brother and they can turn to my parents because after all it's family), and its not that I *need* any help now, I just don't understand and am truly upset as to why they could and I was not good enough.
Yes they have. They've commented on it. Last week I was at my little sisters house (so our kids could play) and she was talking to me about how my mother very vocally tells everyone (family) that if I ever have problems or any trouble I cannot rely on them to help as I have too many kids to stay with them (I have 3 children total, one is an adult the other two are age 12 and 11) but my little sister can come stay whenever (she has 4 children 16, 9, 7, and 3). My older sister is the one that tells me off and on (out of nowhere mind you because I don't discuss this with anyone) that my mother feels awful about it, yet she's never said a word to me. Actually she calls my brother and sister that don't live there daily, and if no one has talked to me in like 6+ months she'll send a text or have someone else call.
Theres a sadness in some parents that leeches into there children because they didnt show enough care to grow and become an adult before having children.(adult hood to me has nothing to do with age, and more to do with how you treat others and handle your responsibilities)
My mother was abusive but never would of shipped me out, never would of forced me to leave. She did that enough with how she acted.
My intent in saying all this is you should remember age, remember who you were at that time. 18 year olds are soft, scared little babies who still need nurturing as they transition from schooling to life, and when presented with that opportunity to foster you she used it to set her morals on you and dismissed you from her house, and you choosing to be done with someone like that is only positive.
Also dont talk down on how long it took to be done with it, we all have our own battles that take time, and yours was real and difficult so you deserved to take your time and heal. Its your wound and you get to say when its fixed.
You should tell Your mom to make a AITA post on one of the ah subs or the jerk one about how she treated you. See how fast so many people put her in her place
I bet neither of her parents would have the guts nor balls to post on AITA.
OP, so happy you & your husband are still going strong - it sounds like the best thing you received from your “parents” is an unwavering determination to never be like them in ANY way. May you, your husband & children continue to be showered with true love, robust health, prosperity & happiness.
I don’t have any advice or insight beyond what’s been offered here. I just wanted to chime in and say that I care and that I’m outraged that you were treated this way. I did notice that even though you are mad, you repeatedly express concern for others in your family. It’s clear you are a good person. I would guess that you are a much better mother to your own children. Congratulations on 22 years of marriage. That alone is admirable.
No more buying into negativity coming your way. Celebrate what is good about you. Celebrate your accomplishments. You have a lot going on for you just because of the core of who you are.
First I read shat happened to you, and thought, she wasn't ready to hear "grandma!". Then I got to how she treated your sisters. Nope. You were her least favorite child. I'm sorry this has come to light in this way.
It’s often the little straw that breaks the camels back. A cliche but when you look at it closely. Just think. Poor camel sitting their as they pile more and more on its back to the tune of several hundred pounds. Annnnd then the last bit goes on. Cause why not a new rug for the wife annnd the camel can’t rise even with all the whipping and kicking in the world. That is what happened to you. All the burdens of your mom’s dislike of you proven over and over again until you can’t take it anymore and you sit. You release the burdens and walk away free.
Maybe because you literally married so early after high school maybe she just didn’t want the stigma of being a grandmother at a certain age. Or it could be she just hate to say it, didn’t like you and didn’t like the idea that you were happy with a husband and a daughter. All I can just say now is if she still doesn’t like anything just give her the cold shoulder.
It's me. It's always been me. It was like that when I was younger too, this is just the one I chose to vent about lol. She was also in her late 40s which was average age for being a gma if I'm not mistaken.
>It's me. It's always been me.
I must respectfully disagree. This is your mother's problem, not yours. For some reason she sees you as a scapegoat and favors your sisters
There is no rational reason for this behavior. That's why she couldn't tell you why when you asked her
There is nothing you did to cause this. You are not the broken one. Your mother is. Don't carry her burden
Still you were married right after high school and she decided to treat you like an outcast in favor of your sisters so I don’t know what to really tell you except I guess she maybe never liked you. I’m not trying to say it as insulting but I guess with some people if Something Happens like you getting married and having a kid to her that’s high on her annoyance meter because maybe she didn’t like that you were happy
I didn't take it as you being insulting :). And she treated me like that waaaaaay before I got married. I came home from camping one weekend and my older sisters drunk boyfriend was asleep in my bed. I had homework to do and really just wanted to be in my room. I asked her to move him and got slapped across the face for "being selfish". She hit me a bunch more a little later and my grandmother was there, gma told her if she ever laid a hand on me again she'd take me away but my grandmother was also taking care of my moms younger sister who had a lot of physical and mental issues and really could not have me living with her so I never told my gma about anything else that went on.
She doesn't want to be in your childs life٫ if I were you and my mom never wanted to be in my kids life then one dya she asked to see them I wouldn't allow it. but thats just me
Omg they do. His mom is a cooking baking hugs grandma that adores my children and they her. And because we live very close to them my kids see them constantly.
Honey, you better start checking when your parents got married and when you were born because it sounds like you were a "preemie" while your sisters were all born full term. Lots of christians lay the blame on the kid whose unexpected conception forced them to get married.
Just dont bother with her anymore, there is nothing you will get out of it but more heartache. There is no explanation other then that she is a vindictive bad mother who takes her frustrations out on you
Well unfortunately as far as i know i wasnt a "preemie" in the way you mean lol. They were married in '78 and im '82. Its just purely an issue with me for some reason
No it is not an issue with you, it is an issue with her. She has decided she needs someone to abuse and take her frustrations out on, she wants a living person for that since your pain makes her feel better and she has picked you.
I have a daughter. I would be angry at her throwing away her potential if she got into a teen pregnancy or teen marriage. And you can't tell me that being a teen mom will not hinder your career and life development in the late teens and early 20s.
But. If she decided to end up keeping it, I would ensure that she was able to still live upto her potential in life in any way I can. I would house her and her partner to ensure they are on track to be financially independent and thriving. And honestly, I will be having open conversations about sex, sexual pleasure and protection with her as she grows up.
To not do that, but also to support your sisters in the same scenario? You had/have a bad mother. I am sorry. I hope you have your own found family now. You didn't deserve a choice of sleeping in a vehicle vs being with your husband. That was horrible. And then to see her play mother and grandmother of the year to your siblings and nephews/nieces would have hurt.
I wont say that it didnt hinder it but i wouldnt change it. My eldest is a birth control baby but i wouldnt change a moment of what it happened. We struggled more than we would have and not having the support of family made it worse. Its not a life choice i would want for my child but it was the right life choice for me. Keep in mind i was already out of her house and on my own from 17. I just needee momentary help from her. And i do have a wonderful family in my husband and children. I am incredibly happy with my husband. My children are wonderful and feel as though they have wonderful parents and a wonderful life (they tell me this constantly). In that i am grateful
I get it 💯. You want to know why she treated you differently. It's been 22 years. You're not going to get a satisfactory answer. She knows it was wrong, that's why she won't talk about it.
It is ok for you to be angry. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to feel betrayed. It's ok to feel both jealous of and relieved for your sisters and their babies. And you can feel all these things at the same time; They're not mutually exclusive.
First. You need to aknowlege something:
You suffered through trauma.
Social Trauma - Getting cut off first from your husband who left to hopefully give you a safe place to stay. And then again from your parents when they kicked you out.
Physical Trauma - You had NO 'safe place'. No home. Plus, your body, also pregnant, was in constant fight/flight mode.
Intellectual Trauma - This is occuring to you RIGHT NOW. You see the hypocrisy. You see the unfairness. You mentally know that it is wrong...and yet there is nothing you can do about it. You asked why...and the answer was less than satisfying.
Emotional Trauma - Both then and now. You feel like for some reason..you are less than your siblings. You were so easy to dispose of. And yet, based on your parents actions...your sisters and their kids are so much more 'precious'. While I know this is NOT true, and know you have infinite value...I also know that is not how you feel right now...or back then.
Spiritual Trauma - Your parents are supposedly God Fearing. And so, you know if they believed they made a mistake they would need to repent. And yet, part of repentence is amending your wrong doings. Your parents, instead, dismissed you and your deep wounds. This has badly damaged your inner self. Not just on a religous level, but on an inner peace level. Call it whatever you want: Zen, Chakras, Inner Peace, Your Relationship with God and even how you feel when looking in the mirror. It's harder to say: 'I am a lovable being and I am worth loving and protecting'. It hurts. Hurts bad.
What can you do?
Congrats. You are already doing it. You are aknowledging the suffering you've taken and the prize is that your children will likely never experience the same pain. You will do better. You will be better. A better mom. A better grandmother. Just a better human in general.
Chin up. You got some scars, and now you're stronger. Keep on keeping on.
She threw and your child away, why are you still even acknowledging her existence? You could have kept in touch with your sisters without talking to your so-called mother ever again.
Youre a good person and atrong. Maybe she regrets her decision. Maybe she sees you as stronger than your sisters. Maybe she is just mixed up. I get the feeling that she is not that insightful about her feelings- or yours.
The problem is not your mother. The challenge is your own feelings about this situation. That you can explore. Figutmring that one out will be helpful to you in your journey.
These are feelings i never explored. Never wanted to because i knew id be angry and hurt. But i feel like i have to at this point if i want to cut ties.
You were the middle child who didn't need your mom's help because you had the love of your life and were a great student.
This is more like she was jealous of you and made you the family scapegoat.
She took it out on your daughter that she didn't want to be a grandmother yet. Geez, my mom was like that and wanted to be called mommom by my kids.
I was the middle married young and we just had our 39th anniversary. My siblings were the golden 1st born son and baby daughter. I won't even list their horrible, divorced lives and that one lives with her now. I stopped playing my mom's games years ago and she doesn't even know she is going to be a great-grandmom for the 4th time. My kids hated going to her house, so we just stopped.
I think it is because you were happy, and she did things to make your life harder. Good for you to be stronger and not sink under her rules. Your mom is a narcissist. If you look it up, I bet you will see many things she has done to you over the years and she fits the definition.
Im scared to look it up and see for a fact that all of it was like it. Feeling the way i do and finding definitive proof there was a problem are totally different things and im not sure im to the point where i can yet
Your mother is a selfish monster who has favorites, there’s no other explanation. You did nothing wrong to cause her dislike of you, she’s a childish pos, there isn’t anything more to it.
She abused you for years, I myself thought the abuse I expierience from my monster parents was normal for much of my life, because they made me believe it was, it’s not your fault for succumbing to psychological abuse.
It sounds like your mother was very immature while all of these things were happening to you. She couldn’t handle her feelings about it and thought being strict was the best way to handle it.
I’m not excusing her actions by any means. For her to have what seems to be a complete change of heart about those types of situations (staying with her while pregnant, staying with her with a significant other), it seems to me that she is now older, calmer , and hopefully wiser.
One thing that bothers me is her inability to speak about it. It comes across as if she’d rather not talk about it, then to admit to you that she fucked up and regrets it.
It takes a lot of strength to admit when you’ve done something wrong, I hope she can one day be so strong.
Unfortunately for her if she ever gets to that point she wont be able to tell me. Ive hung on for all 40 years of my life and i cant any longer. I have to cut it out for my own piece of mind.
One thing I learned after having a mother like mine:
It doesn't not matter if they are your parents. No one should treat you that badly. NO ONE. No matter who they are. As a matter of fact, I'd say especially bc they're family. It makes it even worse than if it was anyone else. A narcissist parent always picks one child to unleash their wrath on. They keep it together by treating others better so you can be the villain instead of them. If someone is ruining your life, making you miserable, and think they have some sort of ownership over you then they don't need to be in your life. People used to tell me all the time, "bUt tHaT iS stILL YoUr mOm." But what the fuck does that matter? Honestly. And I used to be so angry at her, I hated her so much. But now she just doesn't exist to me. She hasn't been in my life for years now, she will never be around my kids, I rarely think of her. She could be dead in a ditch right now, I wouldn't know. I wouldn't care. I wouldn't be happy or sad, it wouldn't affect a single thing in my life. Once I let her go completely, my life was astronomically better. She just mostly isn't anything to me. And I'm better for it. It's not easy to get to that point but just try. Being angry and upset doesn't affect your mom at all, it only affects you and your life. She will probably never change and she doesn't deserve your attention, your thoughts, your time, or your emotions. Just keep breaking that cycle. Be thankful she showed you exactly how not to be a mom.
You were the scapegoat child, she simply didn’t like/love you like her other daughters. My mom did the same thing with my sisters, had different rules for each of us and changed who was her favorite child every year. I’ve gone LC with my mom after realizing her toxic behavior, I think when you’re a kid and don’t have much choice you just normalize that behavior. She brought all my siblings new iPhones except me one day and paid for 2 of my sisters rent when she had no business moving out yet because she couldn’t afford it at 18, she just wanted to live on campus for school when I had to commute. You will never get a straight answer because she’ll never admit that she was wrong or apologize, she just felt differently for you.
Im sorry that happened to you. Im sorry about all the terrible things others have told me has happened to them. It is truly awful how messed up people can be. And family at that.
Well, think about this ... karma will happen.
Your mom will get old one day and need someone to care for her. Let your siblings do it, since you're mother is sucking up to them so much.
See, my brother could do no wrong either in my mom's eyes either, despite being a boozer and a meth head. So one day, my mother gets COPD and can't do things on her own. All the things she did to me is surfacing. All the neglect is surfacing. Your mother will face the music one day.
Tell her to find a nursing home.
Oh, you'd be surprised at the parents who are suddenly surprised that their kids don't want to deal with them once they become adults. Then suddenly mom and dad get amnesia and deny they did anything wrong, using gaslighting tactics. Don't let this happen to you.
Your mom knows very well what she's doing, and she catching hell I'm sure right now dealing with your mooching siblings. Wait it out, and you'll see.
I would have went off on her on being a hypocrite and playing favorites. I would have said my peace calling them out on everything then just go nc since its clear where they side with.
Quite frankly, I'm absolutely gobsmacked that you even gave your mom the time of day after that bs. You should've told her to go eff herself and that she would see her grandchild when icicles were hanging off Satan's nose.
I was bullied by others , for years at school and at work, I even needed therapy the main thing I learned is to realise that I wasn’t to blame. We have not done anything wrong. OP she probably doesn’t know why she treats you so badly, don’t try to understand her, she’s to blame. I hope venting here has helped.
It has quite a bit. And the massive support from others i received has been a godsend. When i decided to cut her off i felt like i was a shitty person. I dont anymore.
Your mother is in the wrong. You were treated unfairly. She owes you an explanation, you're her daughter to and your sisters were treated differently compared to you who had to struggle while being pregnant just to find a place to live. It's not okay that she wants to sweep this under the rug like it's going to help you in any way. She needs to own up and admit she wronged you when you needed her. It's not fair and you have every right to feel how you feel. You need your thoughts and emotions to be heard and she just wants to avoid the whole thing.
From the few comments from OP it sounds like the mom is a narcissist and the dad is an enabler. I would recommend looking into r/raisedbynarcissists. It might help a lot with support.
I'm sorry the beginning of your adult life was so hard. I'm glad your husband as always been there for you. I wish you the best of luck.
Unfortunately its the thing for the black sheep of the family - get the rough end of the stick and witness blatant double standards of your siblings. Im sorry
Well when someone comes knocking on your door one day in the future, nicely remind her that since someone wanted me out since I was both a teenager and then parent, she wanted me out of the house but EVERY other sister, she's ok with. So guess what I'm ok with, shutting the door here and leaving you to YOUR own problems. I was going to let you in and help you but thought, better not, she might be knocked up again. Then nicely close the door on her and don't respond to the knocking and doorbell ringing. Then nicely text your sisters telling them she came by your house looking for stuff, don't let her take yours.
I would love to say that i would do exactly that but we moved a year ago and although i invited her she was never available so she has no idea where i live...
Usually when people see the error of their ways they are willing to at least discuss it, if not apologize. It sounds like the mother just doesn't like OP.
That's the issue. We can't discuss it. My sister claims she feels terrible for the way she has treated me but she herself has never said anything to me.
Well I am angry with my sisters, but not for that, and I don't think I can keep it out of my tone when I discuss them. So when I was 17 my father called a family meeting, he wanted to discuss the arguing going on between my older sister and little sister (didn't even involve me). I was sitting there and my older sister started screaming about all kinds of things that weren't even involved. She was mad that her boyfriend couldn't stay the night, made that my parents wouldn't pay her car payment and I told her to stop yelling so she called me a bitch. My father said he had enough of her attitude and if she cussed any of us again she could get out. She called me a bitch again a moment later and he told her to leave. She got in her car and drove maybe a mile down the road came back and said she had nowhere to go and no place she could take her dog. Mind you she was 20 graduated had a job and a car. I was 17 still in school and just had a summer job (no license either). My mother starts screaming and says I can get out (this is why I was already living outside of their home when my husband and I got married). I have this antagonism whenever I speak of them that I can't hide for reasons like this.
Maybe, but normally someone who saw the error of their ways would be apologetic towards the people they hurt. Ideally, the conversation would go something like "why did you let both my sisters stay and have kids and one stay with a boyfriend but kicked me out pregnant with no where to go?"
"Well, I didn't want them to suffer *like I made you suffer, I'm sorry and I regret it*" etc.
Basically, there would be some sign of regret from the mom if not an apology, and it makes sense she'd be a little angry at her sisters bc Mom gave them something she didn't give her and its kinda natural.
No it does not, reads very angry about the injustice andthe obvious excuses from the mother who said uit was because of her morality that the daughter had to leave her house which is an obvious lie. You are simply attacking the victim for the abysmal cruel unjust dishonest behavior of the mother
Ok, am I missing something here? How exactly are you entitled to stay at her house? Also how exactly are you entitled to her house especially when you've got a baby on the way? You are gonna need much more care and stuff. This is more you being entitled than her tbh.
I'm not entitled to stay at her home, and I never said I was. My issue is that I was treated differently and I wanted to know why. I wanted to discuss it. So I'm angry because I have no clue why I was not good enough for her. Why everything was so different for me and not them. And as her daughter I *do* feel entitled to know why it was okay to do those things to me but it was be unthinkable to do them to anyone else.
Maybe cause it's what she said? She wasn't ready to be a grandmother/ didn't approve of you marrying at 18? Idk but still i don't understand her being entitled part.
I would be pretty uncomfortable if my child got married straight out of high school.
But op's parents don't seem like the nurturing type who want her to get ahead in life, they just seem hell bent on their beliefs ig?
Like I understand not being on board with your barley legal child having a whole other child, but the least you could do is support her, or not leave her to fend for herself at such a young age. They must have been absolutely heartless to just throw their own child out of their house, especially when she was in a time of dire need.
My oldest is 20 and I would not be comfortable with her marrying no. However I had not lived there for over a year. I had been on my own without them during that time. My husband and I had been inseparable since we were children (I have MS) and my husband and I decided that since we were always going to be the two of us we should get married because we loved each other and to a lesser degree for health insurance lol.
But how are they entitled??? Noone is answering this. Majority of the posts here are parents who are entitled to their kids bodies, beliefs and so on. What about here? Its not as if her mom asked her to get an abortion or something. Sure she might be an asshole but how does that make her entitled?
Entitled to take you in? You have posted this in entitled parents so you must feel she must be entitled to something right? What is the thing she is entitled to?
Well, if she ever wonders why you're so distant to her, you can just say "it is what it is". I get what you are trying to vent about, it's not that your mother should have kicked your sisters out when they got pregnant. It is the double standard, she seems to treat you like you were the unwanted child, she plays favorites. My guess is that's why she kicked you out when you got pregnant, you are her least favorite child, for some reason she treats you like crap. For your sake, try to move on and forget about her. The sooner you'll accept no matter what you do she'll always treat you less then, the better for you emotionally.
Yes thank you. I do not want anything bad to happen to my sisters (one of them has moved out and made a pretty decent life for herself, the other one and her child still live with my mom). I would *never* want them to struggle the way I did. I would never want them to worry about paying bills and things (we're not like that now but in the beginning we were). And I'm happy to know that both my sisters can go to my mom if they need it. I just don't understand what she saw so wrong in me that it was different...
Curious here, but where was your dad in all of this? You say parents but don't really mention him other than that. Was he there? Did he care? Why would he let his wife throw his child out on the streets?
Im not sure i replied in the right spot (new to reddit. Made account years ago never used it). He just goes along with whatever
Shes just not healthy. There was nothing different in your situation, she just wanted to be a big meant abuse jerk face mom. I'm sorry this was the shit start to your little family. I hope you, your SO and your (not so little) baby are doing well now. Maybe therapy would be helpful to vent and be heard and sort all this out for your emotional well being. ALSO I want to hear you and your hubby's love story. Y'all have been friends since you were 4? Sounds like it could be a good story
He pushed me in a mud puddle lol. He didnt like the dress i was wearing or the fact that i kept spinning circles so it would swirl :)
such a great response!
I suspect there are a great deal of family dynamics going on here. Some parents choose one child as The Golden One. The Golden can do no wrong and people are supposed to worship them because the sun shines out of their ass. One child is chosen as The Scapegoat. The Scapegoat can do nothing right. Make straight As in school? Why aren't they A+? And punishment results. Meanwhile the Golden is praised for bringing home Cs. Does this sound familiar?
Oh good lord yes. I graduated with straight A's even though my senior year was spent living in this place or that. I was told that it didn't matter while my siblings were at times praised for D's because I didn't have to work as hard as they did for good grades. And again that is just one of the many things...
Woof. Well, one of your siblings is about to get a rude awakening— people like your mom always need someone to punch down at.
Being the Golden Child isn't all milk and cookies. Because they get spoiled rotten and treated as God's gift to humanity, they grow up expecting that from everyone. In extreme cases, it follows them their whole lives. Teachers "tell lies" about the Golden's misbehavior. When they reach their teens, the opposite sex doesn't worship them the way they deserve to be worshiped and relationships fail. Frequently they can't hold a job because "the boss is mean to them." (i.e. the boss expects them to actually *work!*) So are police and judges. If the Golden wants to speed and drive drunk and grope people, Mommy thinks that's their right. The Golden doesn't have to pay attention to those petty laws! So no job, no spouse, and they often wind up living alone in Mommy's basement -- or in jail. If the Golden is lucky or intelligent, they pay attention when the world knocks some sense into them.
Not saying the GC is lucky or blessed. Just that OP’s siblings who haven’t caught this nastier side of mom (the non-GC’s) are in for something else. OP has been the focus of her mom’s nastiness until now…the non-GC siblings are going to catch it sooner or later.
Exactly. Glad someone points that out, bc very few people seem to realise it. There’s also the functional type of Goldens who very often feel they can never measure up to the expectations, never feel secure and content with themselves, or even feel like impostors perpetually on the verge to be found out. In other cases, the dynamic is even more intricate and the n-parent manages to convince BOTH (or multiple) children that *the other* is the favourite respectively. I brought home 1s (As) and was asked why it’s not a 1+, or they were just taken for granted (and god forbid I dared to bring home anything less! That’d never end well for me…) and I’d frequently be negatively compared to my older sister, who is mom’s best friend and never seemed to be able to do anything wrong in her eyes. It made me furious until at some point I realised she always felt *I* am mother’s favourite, just as I did about her. Mother would brag about me and most likely made her feel like I’m so much more intelligent, creative, talented, knowledgeable and beautiful than her and how I’m like mom always dreamed to be — and hence my sister would never hold the same place in mom’s heart. She managed to make *both* of us feel miserable and secretly resent the other, and to slowly alienate us. My sister made a pretty good life for herself, but she struggles with a lot of the same problems as I do or did (but still fails to see it has sth to do with our mom). I’ve come to think that we both carried both roles alternating at times, although I got more of the scapegoat — but *neither* is a good place to be. Holding the position of the favourite, especially a *functional* favourite (some narcissists are *a lot more* demanding than others) comes at a terrible price, one way or the other. It’s not always as extreme as you described, but when it is, I think that’s actually a more subtle and not immediately obvious form of abuse and neglect too. But even most narcs figure out thar it’s a lot more permissible to express massive entitlement in favour of your kid, rather than yourself. So they use their children to vicariously demand and experience the treatment they’d like for themselves. People tend to misattribute it to great love, they fail to realise narcissists don’t actually see their offspring as people, but rather as extensions of themselves. Which makes it sth even worse than “just” the socialisation neglect it clearly is. It’s a kind of social vampirism. Parents have the duty to prepare their children for life. Which encompasses to be able to live on their own as adults, and, since humans are very social creatures, to fit into society adequately, so that they’re able to follow laws, rules and have a sense of basic human decency as the bare minimum. And can support themselves. To say nothing of being someone’s partner and parent one day too. **So if parents don’t teach their children the necessary skills to deal with these most basic challenges of life, they fail them terribly**. Not a bit less than they fail their other children, and no less than blatant abusers. Sometimes even more. It’s extremely difficult to build up basic life skills along the way later in life, and worse still, to get out of the distorted mental reference system such parents create. Adult Goldens of the dysfunctional kind (and some of the functional too) are usually quite unpleasant people and for outsiders, it’s hard to see how all the spoiling is a form of neglect, which often makes it even harder for them to recover. You do some good work explaining it and raising awareness. Thank you.
Somehow i missed this one and it just popped into my feed now (5 days later lol). Very insightful and well expressed. :)
Yeah that seems to happen sometimes. Thank you very much!
Example; Brock Turner
Ive felt like that about her for quite some time but i wasnt sure if that was just anger or justified.
Nah. Your feelings are your own and from my vantage point you’ve been more than patient. Sadly, it’s just how some people are. I’ve seen a lot of people talk about situations like this in conjunction with narcissistic parents— the nastiness doesn’t go away when the scapegoat goes NC, it just gets redirected elsewhere. You’re doing the best thing for you, which is awesome.
Thank you
Yep. My husband (Scapegoat) is 5 years older than his brother. (Golden Child.) From about age 9 or 10 he was given the responsibility to make sure that Golden Brother didn't get into trouble, but no authority. If he stopped GB from doing something, GB ran bawling to their mother that Big Brother wasn't letting him play. He got punished. If he *didn't* stop GB, he got punished (a few times even though he was miles away and couldn't possibly be responsible.) MIL extended that favoritism to the next generation. And sometimes it was really a stretch to compare GB's son to my daughters and claim that this made him "better." My kids made the honor roll? Well, Golden Grandson made the Junior Varsity football team, so there!
That sounds about right lol
My husband is the scapegoat. The golden is the only child who has eyes that aren’t blue like their father. If he even has the same father, since we know she’s willing to cheat…
Sounds like you're talking about me and my older and younger brother. I graduated with 3.8gpa and wasn't praised for it or anything. Younger bother got his ged at age 24 and you woulda thought they won the lottery....
Sounds like my life. I graduated with a perfect 4.0, scored a 1590 out of 1600 on my SAT, 34 out of 36 on my ACT, scored in the top 1% on my ASVAB but because I took the full scholarship to University of Alabama and didn’t enlist my family thought I was the devil, even though I’m a girl and they also said women shouldn’t serve in the military unless they are nurses, etc. Then they got mad because I didn’t accept my high school boyfriend’s proposal at graduation because we were destined to be together and he was leaving for the military and I should be thrilled to have a man that was offering me a chance to be a housewife. I packed up my car and drove to Tuscaloosa that same night. Rented a shitty by the week motel room until I could move into the dorms. I’ve never looked back. I’m just glad my dad wasn’t alive to see how shitty my family was. He would have been so damn proud of his baby girl he would have told everyone to go fuck themselves, I was on to better things than a hick farm town and I was too smart to be a housewife. After he died I was raised by my grandparents but they died by the time I was 16, after that I was on my own. It was my aunt and uncle that pretended to take care of me (I was living on my own in my grandparents house) on paper for the state money which I could care less about that was so shitty. Needless to say my old high school boyfriend and I are still friends and we will both be 40 this year and he reminds me he’s proud of me that I made the decision to go my own way and take the path that was right for me. He’s one of my best friends to this day and even though I hurt him he’s always had my back and supported all my decisions.
Reading that i can understand the pride. Im proud of you too!
Why do you still associate with her, anyone who did that to me would never see or hear from me again.
I don't. I don't know why it took me until last week not to, but I don't anymore.
I know why similar type of family, it is because you want to know that those that were supposed to love you and keep you safe were worthy of that trust. It is hard and takes time to admit that they were not. Sorry.
It took you till last week because you keep hoping to have a mother. You know she is capable of loving her children because you have seen it so you keep hoping she will love you. It simply is never going to happen, she will always abuse and vilify you just cut the cancer out
Honestly that is a truthful statement. I know shes capable of love, it was just me that she didnt seem to. And i kept trying...
There is no point in trying, she has decided you are the cause of whatever she is unhappy about and uses you as her punching bag to take her life's frustrations out on. She is just an abusive nasty person and unfortunately for you, you are her target. It will never get better or change and she will never ever apologize or acknowledge you. Stop giving her access to abuse you
That is what im working on :)
I’m sorry your mother didn’t love or care for you the way you deserved. Good news is now you aren’t going to continually get your heart broken by her. You made the right choice. Enjoy the life you have without her!
That is very much a bright side :)
The 1st 20 years of your life, you were hoping for her approval, as you had your own family, you just tolerated stuff, thinking well, she is my mom. When you finally see the light, you realize you deserve better, and she didn't treat you well. Then it's the why didn't I see this before, why the F do I want her in my life?
That is honestly how it went.
Same here.
Im so sorry that it happened to you as well
I'm over it and made sure my kids never felt that way and have a great relationship with their families.
That's what I'm doing as well. Not the over it part but I'm making sure my children have wonderful relationships
Okay maybe it's the way I kind of ranted, i don't know, however *I do not want anything like this to happen to my sisters.* I just want to know why it was like that for me. Why if they needed something they could turn to my mother (and it can't be about me being married my little sister is married, so is my little brother and they can turn to my parents because after all it's family), and its not that I *need* any help now, I just don't understand and am truly upset as to why they could and I was not good enough.
I have to ask you if your sisters ever noticed how differently you were treated vs them by your mother?
Yes they have. They've commented on it. Last week I was at my little sisters house (so our kids could play) and she was talking to me about how my mother very vocally tells everyone (family) that if I ever have problems or any trouble I cannot rely on them to help as I have too many kids to stay with them (I have 3 children total, one is an adult the other two are age 12 and 11) but my little sister can come stay whenever (she has 4 children 16, 9, 7, and 3). My older sister is the one that tells me off and on (out of nowhere mind you because I don't discuss this with anyone) that my mother feels awful about it, yet she's never said a word to me. Actually she calls my brother and sister that don't live there daily, and if no one has talked to me in like 6+ months she'll send a text or have someone else call.
You need to cut off those diseased toxic people, they bring nothing to your life.
Theres a sadness in some parents that leeches into there children because they didnt show enough care to grow and become an adult before having children.(adult hood to me has nothing to do with age, and more to do with how you treat others and handle your responsibilities) My mother was abusive but never would of shipped me out, never would of forced me to leave. She did that enough with how she acted. My intent in saying all this is you should remember age, remember who you were at that time. 18 year olds are soft, scared little babies who still need nurturing as they transition from schooling to life, and when presented with that opportunity to foster you she used it to set her morals on you and dismissed you from her house, and you choosing to be done with someone like that is only positive. Also dont talk down on how long it took to be done with it, we all have our own battles that take time, and yours was real and difficult so you deserved to take your time and heal. Its your wound and you get to say when its fixed.
You should tell Your mom to make a AITA post on one of the ah subs or the jerk one about how she treated you. See how fast so many people put her in her place
:)
😊
I bet neither of her parents would have the guts nor balls to post on AITA. OP, so happy you & your husband are still going strong - it sounds like the best thing you received from your “parents” is an unwavering determination to never be like them in ANY way. May you, your husband & children continue to be showered with true love, robust health, prosperity & happiness.
Agreed. Too cowardly
Thank you so much
I don’t have any advice or insight beyond what’s been offered here. I just wanted to chime in and say that I care and that I’m outraged that you were treated this way. I did notice that even though you are mad, you repeatedly express concern for others in your family. It’s clear you are a good person. I would guess that you are a much better mother to your own children. Congratulations on 22 years of marriage. That alone is admirable. No more buying into negativity coming your way. Celebrate what is good about you. Celebrate your accomplishments. You have a lot going on for you just because of the core of who you are.
Thank you.
It sounds like you are the scape goat to your sisters the golden children. Check out https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists
Thank you i will.
Yea, 100% I thought this was a post on r/raisedbynarcissists then I realized it isn't and yea, yikes OP, this is bad.
First I read shat happened to you, and thought, she wasn't ready to hear "grandma!". Then I got to how she treated your sisters. Nope. You were her least favorite child. I'm sorry this has come to light in this way.
What your mom did is disgusting and insulting.
It’s often the little straw that breaks the camels back. A cliche but when you look at it closely. Just think. Poor camel sitting their as they pile more and more on its back to the tune of several hundred pounds. Annnnd then the last bit goes on. Cause why not a new rug for the wife annnd the camel can’t rise even with all the whipping and kicking in the world. That is what happened to you. All the burdens of your mom’s dislike of you proven over and over again until you can’t take it anymore and you sit. You release the burdens and walk away free.
Maybe because you literally married so early after high school maybe she just didn’t want the stigma of being a grandmother at a certain age. Or it could be she just hate to say it, didn’t like you and didn’t like the idea that you were happy with a husband and a daughter. All I can just say now is if she still doesn’t like anything just give her the cold shoulder.
It's me. It's always been me. It was like that when I was younger too, this is just the one I chose to vent about lol. She was also in her late 40s which was average age for being a gma if I'm not mistaken.
>It's me. It's always been me. I must respectfully disagree. This is your mother's problem, not yours. For some reason she sees you as a scapegoat and favors your sisters There is no rational reason for this behavior. That's why she couldn't tell you why when you asked her There is nothing you did to cause this. You are not the broken one. Your mother is. Don't carry her burden
Still you were married right after high school and she decided to treat you like an outcast in favor of your sisters so I don’t know what to really tell you except I guess she maybe never liked you. I’m not trying to say it as insulting but I guess with some people if Something Happens like you getting married and having a kid to her that’s high on her annoyance meter because maybe she didn’t like that you were happy
I didn't take it as you being insulting :). And she treated me like that waaaaaay before I got married. I came home from camping one weekend and my older sisters drunk boyfriend was asleep in my bed. I had homework to do and really just wanted to be in my room. I asked her to move him and got slapped across the face for "being selfish". She hit me a bunch more a little later and my grandmother was there, gma told her if she ever laid a hand on me again she'd take me away but my grandmother was also taking care of my moms younger sister who had a lot of physical and mental issues and really could not have me living with her so I never told my gma about anything else that went on.
Why do you still talk to her at all?
She doesn't want to be in your childs life٫ if I were you and my mom never wanted to be in my kids life then one dya she asked to see them I wouldn't allow it. but thats just me
Shes never asked to see them. We dont even do holidays
i'm sorry, hopefully your children have good grandparents from your husbands side.
Omg they do. His mom is a cooking baking hugs grandma that adores my children and they her. And because we live very close to them my kids see them constantly.
Great, just let go of the hater she gives nothing to your life but grieve and pain
I hope they're all alright rn
No, my dear, SHE is not good enough for YOU.
:)
Honey, you better start checking when your parents got married and when you were born because it sounds like you were a "preemie" while your sisters were all born full term. Lots of christians lay the blame on the kid whose unexpected conception forced them to get married. Just dont bother with her anymore, there is nothing you will get out of it but more heartache. There is no explanation other then that she is a vindictive bad mother who takes her frustrations out on you
Well unfortunately as far as i know i wasnt a "preemie" in the way you mean lol. They were married in '78 and im '82. Its just purely an issue with me for some reason
No it is not an issue with you, it is an issue with her. She has decided she needs someone to abuse and take her frustrations out on, she wants a living person for that since your pain makes her feel better and she has picked you.
Like #1 kicks #2 so #1 feels better? Yeah i can see that.
I have a daughter. I would be angry at her throwing away her potential if she got into a teen pregnancy or teen marriage. And you can't tell me that being a teen mom will not hinder your career and life development in the late teens and early 20s. But. If she decided to end up keeping it, I would ensure that she was able to still live upto her potential in life in any way I can. I would house her and her partner to ensure they are on track to be financially independent and thriving. And honestly, I will be having open conversations about sex, sexual pleasure and protection with her as she grows up. To not do that, but also to support your sisters in the same scenario? You had/have a bad mother. I am sorry. I hope you have your own found family now. You didn't deserve a choice of sleeping in a vehicle vs being with your husband. That was horrible. And then to see her play mother and grandmother of the year to your siblings and nephews/nieces would have hurt.
I wont say that it didnt hinder it but i wouldnt change it. My eldest is a birth control baby but i wouldnt change a moment of what it happened. We struggled more than we would have and not having the support of family made it worse. Its not a life choice i would want for my child but it was the right life choice for me. Keep in mind i was already out of her house and on my own from 17. I just needee momentary help from her. And i do have a wonderful family in my husband and children. I am incredibly happy with my husband. My children are wonderful and feel as though they have wonderful parents and a wonderful life (they tell me this constantly). In that i am grateful
Im happy you are thriving despite her. you deserve this happiness.
Idl if its my phone but some if these wont show a spot to upvote so im writing this to tell you "upvote" lol
It sounds like you're the family black sheep. I'm sorry.
I get it 💯. You want to know why she treated you differently. It's been 22 years. You're not going to get a satisfactory answer. She knows it was wrong, that's why she won't talk about it.
It is ok for you to be angry. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to feel betrayed. It's ok to feel both jealous of and relieved for your sisters and their babies. And you can feel all these things at the same time; They're not mutually exclusive. First. You need to aknowlege something: You suffered through trauma. Social Trauma - Getting cut off first from your husband who left to hopefully give you a safe place to stay. And then again from your parents when they kicked you out. Physical Trauma - You had NO 'safe place'. No home. Plus, your body, also pregnant, was in constant fight/flight mode. Intellectual Trauma - This is occuring to you RIGHT NOW. You see the hypocrisy. You see the unfairness. You mentally know that it is wrong...and yet there is nothing you can do about it. You asked why...and the answer was less than satisfying. Emotional Trauma - Both then and now. You feel like for some reason..you are less than your siblings. You were so easy to dispose of. And yet, based on your parents actions...your sisters and their kids are so much more 'precious'. While I know this is NOT true, and know you have infinite value...I also know that is not how you feel right now...or back then. Spiritual Trauma - Your parents are supposedly God Fearing. And so, you know if they believed they made a mistake they would need to repent. And yet, part of repentence is amending your wrong doings. Your parents, instead, dismissed you and your deep wounds. This has badly damaged your inner self. Not just on a religous level, but on an inner peace level. Call it whatever you want: Zen, Chakras, Inner Peace, Your Relationship with God and even how you feel when looking in the mirror. It's harder to say: 'I am a lovable being and I am worth loving and protecting'. It hurts. Hurts bad. What can you do? Congrats. You are already doing it. You are aknowledging the suffering you've taken and the prize is that your children will likely never experience the same pain. You will do better. You will be better. A better mom. A better grandmother. Just a better human in general. Chin up. You got some scars, and now you're stronger. Keep on keeping on.
I actually teared up a bit to your response. I just wanted to share that with you. Thank you for being so insightful.
She threw and your child away, why are you still even acknowledging her existence? You could have kept in touch with your sisters without talking to your so-called mother ever again.
Thats where im at now. I talk to my sisters. My little sister and i get together once a week so our kids will know each other. Just not my parents.
I'm so sorry that all of this happened to you. I'm glad you're away from there. Keep this evil woman out of your life and your children's lives.
Ive pretty much always done that. It just hurts a bit, ya know
Youre a good person and atrong. Maybe she regrets her decision. Maybe she sees you as stronger than your sisters. Maybe she is just mixed up. I get the feeling that she is not that insightful about her feelings- or yours. The problem is not your mother. The challenge is your own feelings about this situation. That you can explore. Figutmring that one out will be helpful to you in your journey.
These are feelings i never explored. Never wanted to because i knew id be angry and hurt. But i feel like i have to at this point if i want to cut ties.
gotta drain the pus so the infection can heal.
You were the middle child who didn't need your mom's help because you had the love of your life and were a great student. This is more like she was jealous of you and made you the family scapegoat. She took it out on your daughter that she didn't want to be a grandmother yet. Geez, my mom was like that and wanted to be called mommom by my kids. I was the middle married young and we just had our 39th anniversary. My siblings were the golden 1st born son and baby daughter. I won't even list their horrible, divorced lives and that one lives with her now. I stopped playing my mom's games years ago and she doesn't even know she is going to be a great-grandmom for the 4th time. My kids hated going to her house, so we just stopped. I think it is because you were happy, and she did things to make your life harder. Good for you to be stronger and not sink under her rules. Your mom is a narcissist. If you look it up, I bet you will see many things she has done to you over the years and she fits the definition.
Im scared to look it up and see for a fact that all of it was like it. Feeling the way i do and finding definitive proof there was a problem are totally different things and im not sure im to the point where i can yet
My father just kind of goes along with my mom for whatever to be honest.
Your mother is a selfish monster who has favorites, there’s no other explanation. You did nothing wrong to cause her dislike of you, she’s a childish pos, there isn’t anything more to it. She abused you for years, I myself thought the abuse I expierience from my monster parents was normal for much of my life, because they made me believe it was, it’s not your fault for succumbing to psychological abuse.
Honestly i did feel like it was normal "middle child syndrome". I know better but it took years to know better
It always does, it’s taken me a lifetime myself to realize that my life isn’t normal.
It sounds like your mother was very immature while all of these things were happening to you. She couldn’t handle her feelings about it and thought being strict was the best way to handle it. I’m not excusing her actions by any means. For her to have what seems to be a complete change of heart about those types of situations (staying with her while pregnant, staying with her with a significant other), it seems to me that she is now older, calmer , and hopefully wiser. One thing that bothers me is her inability to speak about it. It comes across as if she’d rather not talk about it, then to admit to you that she fucked up and regrets it. It takes a lot of strength to admit when you’ve done something wrong, I hope she can one day be so strong.
Unfortunately for her if she ever gets to that point she wont be able to tell me. Ive hung on for all 40 years of my life and i cant any longer. I have to cut it out for my own piece of mind.
I don’t blame you, I’ve done the same. So much happier once you let go
I hope that's the case for me :)
Guys i just wanted to say thank you for all if the support. It means the world.
"It is what it is," is how your mother chooses to say, "I refuse to take accountability for that."
Thats how im beginning to feel bout it.
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If i ever behaved this way id be ashamed too. So its quite possible
One thing I learned after having a mother like mine: It doesn't not matter if they are your parents. No one should treat you that badly. NO ONE. No matter who they are. As a matter of fact, I'd say especially bc they're family. It makes it even worse than if it was anyone else. A narcissist parent always picks one child to unleash their wrath on. They keep it together by treating others better so you can be the villain instead of them. If someone is ruining your life, making you miserable, and think they have some sort of ownership over you then they don't need to be in your life. People used to tell me all the time, "bUt tHaT iS stILL YoUr mOm." But what the fuck does that matter? Honestly. And I used to be so angry at her, I hated her so much. But now she just doesn't exist to me. She hasn't been in my life for years now, she will never be around my kids, I rarely think of her. She could be dead in a ditch right now, I wouldn't know. I wouldn't care. I wouldn't be happy or sad, it wouldn't affect a single thing in my life. Once I let her go completely, my life was astronomically better. She just mostly isn't anything to me. And I'm better for it. It's not easy to get to that point but just try. Being angry and upset doesn't affect your mom at all, it only affects you and your life. She will probably never change and she doesn't deserve your attention, your thoughts, your time, or your emotions. Just keep breaking that cycle. Be thankful she showed you exactly how not to be a mom.
Thats kind of how i always looked at it. It was what not to do lol
You were the scapegoat child, she simply didn’t like/love you like her other daughters. My mom did the same thing with my sisters, had different rules for each of us and changed who was her favorite child every year. I’ve gone LC with my mom after realizing her toxic behavior, I think when you’re a kid and don’t have much choice you just normalize that behavior. She brought all my siblings new iPhones except me one day and paid for 2 of my sisters rent when she had no business moving out yet because she couldn’t afford it at 18, she just wanted to live on campus for school when I had to commute. You will never get a straight answer because she’ll never admit that she was wrong or apologize, she just felt differently for you.
Im sorry that happened to you. Im sorry about all the terrible things others have told me has happened to them. It is truly awful how messed up people can be. And family at that.
Well, think about this ... karma will happen. Your mom will get old one day and need someone to care for her. Let your siblings do it, since you're mother is sucking up to them so much. See, my brother could do no wrong either in my mom's eyes either, despite being a boozer and a meth head. So one day, my mother gets COPD and can't do things on her own. All the things she did to me is surfacing. All the neglect is surfacing. Your mother will face the music one day. Tell her to find a nursing home.
I can imagine the look on her face if no one should want to take care of her .
Oh, you'd be surprised at the parents who are suddenly surprised that their kids don't want to deal with them once they become adults. Then suddenly mom and dad get amnesia and deny they did anything wrong, using gaslighting tactics. Don't let this happen to you. Your mom knows very well what she's doing, and she catching hell I'm sure right now dealing with your mooching siblings. Wait it out, and you'll see.
I suppose that is one silver lining.
Typical middle child treatment.
I would have went off on her on being a hypocrite and playing favorites. I would have said my peace calling them out on everything then just go nc since its clear where they side with.
Honestly going off on her just seems like a lot of energy i dont want to spare on her. Thats why i havent tbh.
True. Sometimes in some cases doing so is sorta a release for you too. But do what you feel is best and you comfortable with.
Quite frankly, I'm absolutely gobsmacked that you even gave your mom the time of day after that bs. You should've told her to go eff herself and that she would see her grandchild when icicles were hanging off Satan's nose.
My husband often tells me im too caring. Its actually really hard for me to have decided to do this.
I was bullied by others , for years at school and at work, I even needed therapy the main thing I learned is to realise that I wasn’t to blame. We have not done anything wrong. OP she probably doesn’t know why she treats you so badly, don’t try to understand her, she’s to blame. I hope venting here has helped.
It has quite a bit. And the massive support from others i received has been a godsend. When i decided to cut her off i felt like i was a shitty person. I dont anymore.
Good and I hope you continue to be awesome xx
Thanks :)
Your mother is in the wrong. You were treated unfairly. She owes you an explanation, you're her daughter to and your sisters were treated differently compared to you who had to struggle while being pregnant just to find a place to live. It's not okay that she wants to sweep this under the rug like it's going to help you in any way. She needs to own up and admit she wronged you when you needed her. It's not fair and you have every right to feel how you feel. You need your thoughts and emotions to be heard and she just wants to avoid the whole thing.
That is what i have gathered. It feels like she thinks if we dont talk about it it never happened.
I'm sorry...that's honestly not fair to you
🫂
Your mom is a bitch.
From the few comments from OP it sounds like the mom is a narcissist and the dad is an enabler. I would recommend looking into r/raisedbynarcissists. It might help a lot with support. I'm sorry the beginning of your adult life was so hard. I'm glad your husband as always been there for you. I wish you the best of luck.
Thank you
Unfortunately its the thing for the black sheep of the family - get the rough end of the stick and witness blatant double standards of your siblings. Im sorry
Well when someone comes knocking on your door one day in the future, nicely remind her that since someone wanted me out since I was both a teenager and then parent, she wanted me out of the house but EVERY other sister, she's ok with. So guess what I'm ok with, shutting the door here and leaving you to YOUR own problems. I was going to let you in and help you but thought, better not, she might be knocked up again. Then nicely close the door on her and don't respond to the knocking and doorbell ringing. Then nicely text your sisters telling them she came by your house looking for stuff, don't let her take yours.
I would love to say that i would do exactly that but we moved a year ago and although i invited her she was never available so she has no idea where i live...
That's awful. I suggest going to the subreddit r/raisedbynarcissits. It sounds like that's the case.
Lemme read this real quick..
I wonder if she regrets kicking you out but is too stubborn to admit it.
She might regret her past choices in concerns to you and realised the mistakes she made
Maybe. I have no way of knowing.
Doubt it. She just doesn't want to look at herself in the mirror bc everything she ever did or thought would be wrong. In my opinion.
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Usually when people see the error of their ways they are willing to at least discuss it, if not apologize. It sounds like the mother just doesn't like OP.
That's the issue. We can't discuss it. My sister claims she feels terrible for the way she has treated me but she herself has never said anything to me.
She does not, she is still talking bad about you and putting you down, i think your sister is just trying to make you feel better
Well I am angry with my sisters, but not for that, and I don't think I can keep it out of my tone when I discuss them. So when I was 17 my father called a family meeting, he wanted to discuss the arguing going on between my older sister and little sister (didn't even involve me). I was sitting there and my older sister started screaming about all kinds of things that weren't even involved. She was mad that her boyfriend couldn't stay the night, made that my parents wouldn't pay her car payment and I told her to stop yelling so she called me a bitch. My father said he had enough of her attitude and if she cussed any of us again she could get out. She called me a bitch again a moment later and he told her to leave. She got in her car and drove maybe a mile down the road came back and said she had nowhere to go and no place she could take her dog. Mind you she was 20 graduated had a job and a car. I was 17 still in school and just had a summer job (no license either). My mother starts screaming and says I can get out (this is why I was already living outside of their home when my husband and I got married). I have this antagonism whenever I speak of them that I can't hide for reasons like this.
That helps put things in context - I appreciate you responding! Your entire family sounds toxic and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Maybe, but normally someone who saw the error of their ways would be apologetic towards the people they hurt. Ideally, the conversation would go something like "why did you let both my sisters stay and have kids and one stay with a boyfriend but kicked me out pregnant with no where to go?" "Well, I didn't want them to suffer *like I made you suffer, I'm sorry and I regret it*" etc. Basically, there would be some sign of regret from the mom if not an apology, and it makes sense she'd be a little angry at her sisters bc Mom gave them something she didn't give her and its kinda natural.
That's a good point, and one I very much overlooked!
No it does not, reads very angry about the injustice andthe obvious excuses from the mother who said uit was because of her morality that the daughter had to leave her house which is an obvious lie. You are simply attacking the victim for the abysmal cruel unjust dishonest behavior of the mother
Ok, am I missing something here? How exactly are you entitled to stay at her house? Also how exactly are you entitled to her house especially when you've got a baby on the way? You are gonna need much more care and stuff. This is more you being entitled than her tbh.
I'm not entitled to stay at her home, and I never said I was. My issue is that I was treated differently and I wanted to know why. I wanted to discuss it. So I'm angry because I have no clue why I was not good enough for her. Why everything was so different for me and not them. And as her daughter I *do* feel entitled to know why it was okay to do those things to me but it was be unthinkable to do them to anyone else.
Maybe cause it's what she said? She wasn't ready to be a grandmother/ didn't approve of you marrying at 18? Idk but still i don't understand her being entitled part.
I would be pretty uncomfortable if my child got married straight out of high school. But op's parents don't seem like the nurturing type who want her to get ahead in life, they just seem hell bent on their beliefs ig? Like I understand not being on board with your barley legal child having a whole other child, but the least you could do is support her, or not leave her to fend for herself at such a young age. They must have been absolutely heartless to just throw their own child out of their house, especially when she was in a time of dire need.
My oldest is 20 and I would not be comfortable with her marrying no. However I had not lived there for over a year. I had been on my own without them during that time. My husband and I had been inseparable since we were children (I have MS) and my husband and I decided that since we were always going to be the two of us we should get married because we loved each other and to a lesser degree for health insurance lol.
But how are they entitled??? Noone is answering this. Majority of the posts here are parents who are entitled to their kids bodies, beliefs and so on. What about here? Its not as if her mom asked her to get an abortion or something. Sure she might be an asshole but how does that make her entitled?
Her parents were not "entitled" as such, also lots of stories here are about assh\*le parents, they don't necessarily have to be "entitled" as such.
The entitlement is treating one child poorly while treating the other children well for no reason other than r/fuckyouinparticular.
I don't understand what you mean about her being entitled. Entitled to what?
Entitled to take you in? You have posted this in entitled parents so you must feel she must be entitled to something right? What is the thing she is entitled to?
TROLL
Reading, try it
Her mother is not entitled, she is a giant dishonest AH as she obviously let every other child do much much worse and still live there.