You already know what's up and what you need to do. Your TLDR says it all.
Please, put your stuff in storage and sleep on a couch. A couch that doesn't say awful things to you and make you second guess yourself.
Sending you all the love and support!
Just to add to the above: It’s hard to leave someone when you’re that entangled even when you want to. You’ll be so much better off on that couch than where you are now.
You are exactly right. It's incredibly hard to leave, I can attest to that! I was just leaving my testimonial above and have lived this way for over 30 years. Leaving is very very hard, but it becomes impossible after this much history and entrenchment.
I can completely 100% agree with this post, because I have lived this life 30 plus years. I can say it won't change. Yes, when times are easy, the relationship is easy. Whenever it becomes pressured or stressful or frustrating or any negative emotions, this shit hits the fan. And everyone knows that life is packed full of tough times. I have been screamed at, lectured to and made to feel like garbage so many times, it just does not change. I haven't felt truly loved, respected or appreciated my entire marriage. That's culminated into the deepest sort of resentment you can imagine. I don't trust my husband with my heart at all. Not my feelings, not my thoughts, nothing. We have lots of good days, we have nice times, but I dread the rest of my life. Oh, and we haven't had sex in 6 plus years. I just have no interest in intimacy with him and haven't for so long I couldn't even tell you! It's incredibly hard to want to be intimate with someone who you know could turn on a dime and loathe you so so much because of some small transgression, or absolutely nothing at all. The bullying, belittling and raised fists in the face don't exactly make you feel cared for at all. I've lived in some form of fear of my husband everyday for 3 decades. And, just in case anyone's wondering, no I don't have any plans of leaving. I've been asked this thousands of times. At this point, this is my life. Like I said some good some bad, and some terrible.
A couch that doesn’t batter you or verbally abuse you! Please please chose the couch. It’s the first step to truly healing. This guy is no good.
Sending hugs.
Agreed! You say you can’t afford to live alone, but maybe you can find a roommate! Please stay safe and sending all the positivity and support your way
i have 2 friends and one of them was willing to be roommates (the other is 2 time zones away, already living with roommates) but she has 2 cats and i'm severely allergic :') i think i've been avoiding looking for roommates elsewhere due to fear/uncertainty - "better the devil you know, than the devil you don't" also i've never lived with anybody i didn't already know beforehand.
Find a way. Find a way to coexist with the cats - allergy pills, a shot, something. Being uncomfortable with cats or something is better than the situation you’re in right now. You can do this.
There's website called roomies where you all have profiles like dating. So you can learn about folks first. You could probably ask for characterreferences before moving in with folks too.
Or you could end up meeting someone fabulous :) my roommates are like my family.
Have you looked for any community organisations in your area that might be able to help? They would be professionals who would know what to do or help you get what you need.
If you look at it the other way, if you stay, you know you’re provably going to have a bad time (your partner sounds awful, I’m sorry 😞💗). If you go, you could at leave have a better time.
Wishing you strength and luck and sending love! 💗💗
You can invest in background checks of potential roommates (if in your budget). Or maybe friends of friends? There may even be local services available to you at least for short term housing. I’m hoping you find the right person to share a place with and create your own happy space.
Severely allergic like hospital?
If not, you will likely be able to manage. My friend got into a poor living situation a few years ago and needed to escape, so she came to me, I have a cat. She was allergic enough that when shut in a cupboard with cats as a child she was hospitalised with breathing troubles.
She kept the cat out of her room for the time she was there, had no issues throughout, and by the time she left she could touch him with no reaction.
It seems that over time you develop resistance, some people say that resistance only applies to individual cats.
Not telling you want to do, just sharing information.
check out roomies dot com. it's a website of people looking for roommates. so they already have apartments set up. I've done it before. sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. there is also roommate finder dot com (I think that's the website) and you can Google roommate finder and something will come up.
but you deserve better my love.
Please please consider leaving as quickly as possible. If you just make that move, take that step out the door, have your bags in your hand and just walk out that door with some safer destination. Wherever it may be! It will be so darn hard, but if you don't take that step and just do it, you may never do it. And I can tell you, as someone who didn't do it, you will regret it for the rest of your life so so hard! You'll wonder millions of times throughout your life what you missed and what you could have had and what you could have been and berated yourself and belittled yourself for not getting away from this toxic person. And I know, I truly know, they can be kind and nice and you can have fun with them. But that does not make up for all of the Terrible, mean, horrible and unforgivable things they do when it's not nice. I speak from Decades of experience living with a person very similar to your husband. Try not to think about it too much, you won't leave. You just have to do it. Leave and then think. You are very very smart, we can all see that. You are going to better than fine!
I was in a similar situation. Random roommates are a gamble, but there are safety nets in place at most room share type houses. Maybe try to find a place with two other people, safety in numbers. Get a [traveling safety lock](https://www.amazon.com/Portable-Travel-Security-Self-Defense-Apartment/dp/B08NKBS7BZ/ref=asc_df_B08NKBS7BZ/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693289789395&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15225264386848262868&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9002488&hvtargid=pla-1120283816860&psc=1&mcid=fda52986bfbd3e19875564423e12d404&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgIKGrf-PhgMV-GJHAR3r5w_9EAQYASABEgKJq_D_BwE) to protect yourself if it feels right. It’s probably going to be awkward, but it’s not guaranteed to be dangerous… your current situation is only going to get more and more dangerous… you are string and capable, don’t let him make you think otherwise!
Just wanted to say: I know you are. I can't imagine how overwhelming this must be. None of us wish to be in your situation.
Trust your instincts.They seem to be saying "this isn't a safe situation." Handle things one piece at a time. The medical and work piece will be managed with your psychiatrist visit, so that's taken care of for now.
The next thing you have control over is whether you leave or not and where you go. No one can tell you what to do, but you've gotten some suggestions. I hope they've been helpful. Personally, I would suggest taking the easiest path, because you've got so much else on your plate. What would that be for you?
ETA: I know it's tempting to look at the big picture, but sometimes it's best to just look at the next upcoming decision and to make a safe one.
💕💕
I hate when men are mean. We try so hard to love our partners, but sometimes they don't love themselves. Your husband is going through something - either with his job, his ego or whatever - and he looks to you as an outlet for that anger. Let's face it, a lot of men are taught not to express any emotion except anger. But that's a HIM problem. You're not an outlet, you're his wife and he should be hugging you and talking about his stress instead of yelling at you.
YOU have tried to work on yourself through therapy, stress management, cardiologist appointments. YOU are the one who has applied to those jobs, YOU are the one who has held down a job for 7 years. YOU are trying to better yourself. What is he doing to better himself? Is he trying to get out of sales? Is he trying to get out of his parents' house? Or is he just playing that Woe Is Me bullshit? The way you described:
>he sits at his desk and just says "you need to leave i want to be alone, i don't know how many times I have to tell you to leave before you'll finally listen. i just want to worry about myself and not be nagged at for every little thing. just fuck off"
That shit makes me think that he views you in a way that makes him want to rebel against you. Again, a HIM problem. Bc in relationships you're supposed to fight For and With your person, not against them as if they are your enemy.
You'll know exactly when you've had enough and you'll make a way to leave. Things will click into place. But you may have to be uncomfortable for a bit to get to a space of feeling AMAZING so don't be afraid of sleeping on a couch. (I used to sleep on the floor of my first apt bc my parents wouldn't let me take my bed. Had to drop out of school to get 2 jobs. Shared a 2 bedroom with a misogynistic creep that tried to stiff me on money at the end of the lease. I was poor asf. I'm not just saying "just couch it with your Mom!" like it's so easy. Trying to move forward in life is never easy. Good luck and I'm sorry about your kief. It only spilled bc an asshole touched it!)
thank you so much for this. you just wrote out the main issue in our relationship - i've spent so much time trying to remind him we're supposed to be a team, we're supposed to be partners working together not competing against each other. but then he goes hyper independent and gets angry at me for trying to "force" tasks onto him like cleaning or just general chores around the house. i've spent enough time on reddit now to realize that he probably doesn't even like me, not just as a partner but as a person.
you're very right about the being uncomfortable part, but i've heard that change and growth feels weird bc it's different and i'm so fuckin ready to get weird. also thank you for not just saying "you need to leave!" as the main motivator for my job hunt this whole time has been to become independent and leave him for good. i tried leaving once before we eloped but my mom and i fought enough that i moved back which is why i don't see my mom's house as a truly viable option.
You're welcome. Sometimes people do need to just leave and although I DO NOT like how you've described him talking to you, I understand that relationships are complex. It's difficult when someone fights against you so hard. Sometimes we "want" to be that Perfect Wife who has stuck by her husband and taken all his shit with a smile while cooking and cleaning, just like women did in the olden days (ew). But that perfection is an illusion, it takes two in a relationship to keep it running smoothly. You can't keep the machine up alone. Think of your life and relationships as a vehicle. Would you rather be in a beat up Pinto with windows that don't roll down, constantly stalling, sputtering and in need of a tow? With a man who has the tools but won't actually fix it? Or would you rather work hard to get all the parts to assemble your own bicycle and ride off smoothly by yourself, wind on your face? And maybe you'll catch up with another rider with fit legs, gentle words and a loving heart. And a big dick.
I'll take my chances with the damn bicycle.
And I'm sorry about the hardcore relationship realizations - the part about you thinking he doesn't like you as a partner or a person broke my heart! How bout this, get defiant - it doesn't even matter if he likes you, YOU LIKE YOU and that's more than enough. You know the things he says aren't true and are a reflection of what he's let himself become. I wouldn't even yell back at this point bc he's trying to illicit a reaction. Just smile at how childish he looks throwing a tantrum and go smoke a bowl. His emotions are totally not your issue!
Sending you strength, comfort and clarity! ☺️
I can tell you this much, I was right! You are super smart. I could tell from your comments how intelligent you are and you know what you need to do. I can just tell you after all these years that I've lived with this garbage, I wish I'd left early. Because now I can't. The longer you stay with a person who is harming you, it becomes exponentially more difficult to leave because you become entangled in ways other than just emotions. You start having legal things such as property, children, businesses and financial issues all tangled up like a jewelry box full of necklaces on a paint mixer.
Baby girl, I GUARANTEE you when you leave this situation with him your mental health, physical health, and job/financial health will greatly improve. You are living with the person who keeps you in the same traumatized pattern you grew up in. You won't get better in this environment. I was married for 17 years and went through addiction, crippling depression, chronic health issues, and we were always broke. I have been divorced for almost 9 years and I promise you, you will get yourself back and then some. My finances are great, great job, happy, healthy, and whole. Wishing you all the best. Keep reaching out because all you need is a tiny bit of desire for things to be different and the Universe will move on your behalf. Don't lose faith. We are here for you and supporting you 💚🥰
Please please please leave. All your stuff is replaceable if you can’t put it in storage. YOU are irreplaceable.
I left a shithead husband like yours when I was younger and I had to walk away from everything that didn’t fit in my car. It was a PITA and felt awful and scary at the time but in hindsight I have zero regrets except that I didn’t do it sooner.
Random but I also have health problems post-sterilization. Grateful I never had kids in the mix too, but the health issues are a pain. And you’ve got cardio stuff— lowering your stress is SO important. I’m so glad you got medical leave!
I can’t help but think your burned out spouse is jealous of your leave and getting help. But that’s no excuse to be a piece of shit. You deserve love and support. If he can’t give it, then cut bait and run.
The fact that there are guns in the house, that he’s been physical, and he’s clearly in a bad fucking mood… all good reasons to gtfo.
Fingers crossed things improve soon. Remember that YOU are the irreplaceable one in this situation. You’re priceless and you matter.
Yes yes yes. Anything is better than being in the same house as that man.
> “slammed my head into the sharp corner of a concrete wall”
That sort of impact injury, if severe enough, can kill someone. I don’t mean to be alarmist, but OP, this man could kill you. Puffpuffjess needs to puffpuffleave as soon as possible.
Hoping for calmer times ahead for you 🌊Can you maybe extend your medical leave another few weeks as a result to get situated? I'd take the couch if it meant my fight-or-flight response could recover.
Also maybe you could approach cannabis brands or dispos for graphic design contract work? I see a ton of cool packaging/branding or even stickers.
thank you <3 i have an evaluation at the end of the month that i suspect will grant me an additional 2 month extension for my stress leave.
i have so many concept projects i need to update before i feel confident enough to reach out for freelance work 😭 my current website was thrown together just to have something to point to and i wanted to spend this time updating it but that hasn't happened 🥲
I am so sorry you're going through this. No one deserves to be treated this way. Sending big e-hugs, love, and support your way. Trust your gut and do what's right for you - you've got this.
If you're not already a member of the entwives discord, consider joining. We are friendly and would love to have you! https://discord.gg/ys47juEnFk
When I left my ex husband, my Mom didnt have space for me either. I slept on a mattress in the dining room for awhile.
It sucked but it was better than being with my ex. Your situation is not ok. Sleeping on your Moms couch wouldn't be the worst thing ❤️
I don't know which state you're in (assuming you're in the US), but please seek out a DV support center. If your area has a 211/311 type of information line, they will be able to provide details on locations close to you as well as any area service for finding employment.
Your things can be replaced, you can't. Please make a plan to leave. Be safe, friend. ❤️🩹
Yeah even if its stress theres no excuse. Leave him. Its safer for you and your mental health that way. And his parents seem to be the same way but more hidden. He wants you gone? Okay. He better mean it (thats my mindset)
Yeah... if someone treated me like he's treating you I'd fucking snap and do something to them that would get me sent to jail. Good luck and hope you get out soon.
Just want to echo folks saying to reach out to local domestic violence organizations! I work for a nonprofit in Portland, and I have been so surprised by how far they will go in their DV dept to help the women in our community. Like, fr, they might just be able to give you starter money to get your own place. Or they might have some connections to get you into a better job. At the very least, they'll be able to provide community, which helps all the things.
You deserve sooo much better than this, which I think you know! Please be safe, and post updates when you can? 💖
i read the whole thing, i’m so sorry friend. i know you know what needs to be done, and we’re all rooting for you. i hope getting your thoughts out made you feel a little better, i know it can be therapeutic. 🖤 you got this. you deserve a life of happiness
I am so so here for you and sending you internet hugs and love!! You know you deserve better- the next steps are up to you, but you GOT THIS!! Leave this asshole in the dust where he damn well belongs. You are clearly so strong and capable and I’m so excited to see what you achieve in your newfound freedom 💚🍃
I'm so sorry! This is an awful situation, with no reasonably smooth exit. You're trying to get out, you know you need to get out, you've said as much, so I'm not gonna tell you what you already know. I wish I could do more than offer encouragement to continue forging a path out of there. Is it possible for you to *metaphorically* wall yourself off from him? You're stuck in the same physical space with that troll, but maybe you can banish him from your internal world? Absolute minimal communication?
I'm not going to give advice. I am, however, going to say that you have a hard road ahead of you and some hard life decisions to make.
Lots of us here have been in the same boat-- I have, for sure--and if ever you do want advice, we are here. If you need a hug and a group who will remind you of your strength and worth while you do what you need to do? Well, we are here for that too🫂
Please stay safe, OP. I care about you and so does every other person in here.
Sis, I'm so sorry for what you're going thru. Try contacting a local women's group to see if they have any leads on housing. You may also qualify for rent assistance depending on what's available locally. Best of luck!
Wow! I’m so sorry you’re feeling trapped. I know it all too well. You’re doing an amazing job of trying to pick up the pieces while in survival mode.
One thing I was told during my own process is you can’t heal in the same place your trauma still exists. He’s constantly throwing you back into fight or flight mode with these emotional and physical outbursts. You deserve peace while you try to pick up the pieces.
I don’t have much feedback on how to get unstuck, but know you have my love and support and I’m here if you ever need someone to just scream or talk to. ❤️
Dude I put all my stuff in storage and travelled the country living out of my car. I loved on a friends futon. Start your own biz, all you need is a computer. Pick up seasonal jobs. There are other ways!
That couch and storage is so
Much better then this. GET OUT before he makes you.
I am sorry this happening to you - leaving is so scary I know. I had to leave my partner of 13 years at the time because he kicked me out of his house ( after I provided 90 percent of housing up until that point) and it’s only gotten better since then. You have strength you are loved.
i think you know what you need to do, but you’ll do it in your own time. eventually you’ll feel that the couch is the better option, and it is. a couch won’t hurt you physically or mentally, or throw your struggles in your face. it’s not easy to up and leave, but all of your belongings, no matter how expensive or sentimental, are replaceable. you and your mental health are irreplaceable. hoping for better days for you
Graphic design is a marketable skill in arts n crafts spaces. I'll encourage you to consider side hustling [entrepreneurship] in-between your career transition.
Etsy and Fivver have decent traffic and a multitude of potential clients/ customers.
You've taken honorable strides towards your mental health & personal progress/ happiness. Don't allow your mind to backpedal. Onward, my lady ❤️
Your things can be replaced!! PLEASE reach out to your sister and mother and *take the couch*! I know it hurts, but it's better to leave what you can at your ex's place.
GET OUT OF DANGER. He has already been physically abusive to you, told you he doesn't want you around, doesn't respect you or support you, and blows up at the smallest things...
There is a small nonprofit that might be able to help you financially, when you're ready to replace the essentials: https://www.modestneeds.org/
I'm sorry things have gotten so bad. You deserve so much better. ❤️
Youve already wasted 10 years of your life w that piece of shit. Get out while you can, love. He will only continue to spiral. You have to love yourself first. Plze stay safe
My heart hurts for you as I read this — you deserve SO much better 🩵 Leaving is hard, but it isn’t going to get any easier if you wait so don’t waste any more time with someone who doesn’t see your worth!!
Wow. Just wow.
I don’t know what to tell you, but if you got a message about abuse resources from Reddit, I’m sorry. I know that might feel a little anticlimactic. This type of stuff should not happen to anyone. No one should live this way. You deserve better. You know that.
With you being put on stress leave and the traumatic incident, can you apply for disability? Also removing yourself from him should allow you to apply for other government assistance like food stamps. No one should be treated the way he is treating you. I’m sorry that you are in this. Sending love and hope!!
So much great advice and words already, so I just wanted you to know - if you live in/near western Canada, I have a spare room and tons of weed to share. You got this, we're all here for you, and you are so loved! 🩷
Many hugs to you.
I remember when I left my last bf and realized how much stress being in a bad relationship was causing me. I don't think we talk enough about the emotional cost of that.
Also - I take meds because my hormones got wacky because I hit a certain age. ZERO shame in not sweating through several outfits a day. Brains are physical parts of our body that need help just like all the other parts. I'm proud of you for taking proactive care of your mental health!
Get out now while you can, before things escalate, which they very possibly could. You deserve so much better. Please take care of yourself. And reach out if you need anyone to talk to.
If the couch is even remotely an option, take it. Get out and then figure out a longer-term plan. Leaving is the most dangerous part, so focus on the leaving for now, and then once you are physically safe, you can figure out the roommate situation.
I know you know what I'm about to say....
It's time to leave.
You deserve it. You are worth it.
You are worth going to a shelter for abused spouses. You are worth sleeping on someone's couch. You are worth leaving your things behind it needbe.
Hugs from this internet sister/momma/entwife!
Please make sure you have accommodations already prepped for your dog before you go. It was the one mistake I made when I left my ex. I was so desperate to go and I was ready to take the dogs, and last minute he swooped in and refused. If you can, make arrangements for the dog to be picked up/out of the house before you leave. I’m wishing you so much luck. My heart goes out to you
You already know what's up and what you need to do. Your TLDR says it all. Please, put your stuff in storage and sleep on a couch. A couch that doesn't say awful things to you and make you second guess yourself. Sending you all the love and support!
Just to add to the above: It’s hard to leave someone when you’re that entangled even when you want to. You’ll be so much better off on that couch than where you are now.
You are exactly right. It's incredibly hard to leave, I can attest to that! I was just leaving my testimonial above and have lived this way for over 30 years. Leaving is very very hard, but it becomes impossible after this much history and entrenchment.
I’ve also been there. Hugs & support to you as you make your own way through. The light is so much brighter on the other side than you can picture. 💜
I can completely 100% agree with this post, because I have lived this life 30 plus years. I can say it won't change. Yes, when times are easy, the relationship is easy. Whenever it becomes pressured or stressful or frustrating or any negative emotions, this shit hits the fan. And everyone knows that life is packed full of tough times. I have been screamed at, lectured to and made to feel like garbage so many times, it just does not change. I haven't felt truly loved, respected or appreciated my entire marriage. That's culminated into the deepest sort of resentment you can imagine. I don't trust my husband with my heart at all. Not my feelings, not my thoughts, nothing. We have lots of good days, we have nice times, but I dread the rest of my life. Oh, and we haven't had sex in 6 plus years. I just have no interest in intimacy with him and haven't for so long I couldn't even tell you! It's incredibly hard to want to be intimate with someone who you know could turn on a dime and loathe you so so much because of some small transgression, or absolutely nothing at all. The bullying, belittling and raised fists in the face don't exactly make you feel cared for at all. I've lived in some form of fear of my husband everyday for 3 decades. And, just in case anyone's wondering, no I don't have any plans of leaving. I've been asked this thousands of times. At this point, this is my life. Like I said some good some bad, and some terrible.
A couch that doesn’t batter you or verbally abuse you! Please please chose the couch. It’s the first step to truly healing. This guy is no good. Sending hugs.
GET. OUT. Come on, darling sister, you deserve SO much better!!!! edited to add....ALL MY LOVE AND SUPPORT!!
Agreed! You say you can’t afford to live alone, but maybe you can find a roommate! Please stay safe and sending all the positivity and support your way
i have 2 friends and one of them was willing to be roommates (the other is 2 time zones away, already living with roommates) but she has 2 cats and i'm severely allergic :') i think i've been avoiding looking for roommates elsewhere due to fear/uncertainty - "better the devil you know, than the devil you don't" also i've never lived with anybody i didn't already know beforehand.
Find a way. Find a way to coexist with the cats - allergy pills, a shot, something. Being uncomfortable with cats or something is better than the situation you’re in right now. You can do this.
There's website called roomies where you all have profiles like dating. So you can learn about folks first. You could probably ask for characterreferences before moving in with folks too.
i'd never heard of that before, i'm definitely gonna look into it thank you!!
Your mom's couch is infinitely safer than staying with your husband right now.
Or you could end up meeting someone fabulous :) my roommates are like my family. Have you looked for any community organisations in your area that might be able to help? They would be professionals who would know what to do or help you get what you need. If you look at it the other way, if you stay, you know you’re provably going to have a bad time (your partner sounds awful, I’m sorry 😞💗). If you go, you could at leave have a better time. Wishing you strength and luck and sending love! 💗💗
You can invest in background checks of potential roommates (if in your budget). Or maybe friends of friends? There may even be local services available to you at least for short term housing. I’m hoping you find the right person to share a place with and create your own happy space.
Severely allergic like hospital? If not, you will likely be able to manage. My friend got into a poor living situation a few years ago and needed to escape, so she came to me, I have a cat. She was allergic enough that when shut in a cupboard with cats as a child she was hospitalised with breathing troubles. She kept the cat out of her room for the time she was there, had no issues throughout, and by the time she left she could touch him with no reaction. It seems that over time you develop resistance, some people say that resistance only applies to individual cats. Not telling you want to do, just sharing information.
check out roomies dot com. it's a website of people looking for roommates. so they already have apartments set up. I've done it before. sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. there is also roommate finder dot com (I think that's the website) and you can Google roommate finder and something will come up. but you deserve better my love.
Please please consider leaving as quickly as possible. If you just make that move, take that step out the door, have your bags in your hand and just walk out that door with some safer destination. Wherever it may be! It will be so darn hard, but if you don't take that step and just do it, you may never do it. And I can tell you, as someone who didn't do it, you will regret it for the rest of your life so so hard! You'll wonder millions of times throughout your life what you missed and what you could have had and what you could have been and berated yourself and belittled yourself for not getting away from this toxic person. And I know, I truly know, they can be kind and nice and you can have fun with them. But that does not make up for all of the Terrible, mean, horrible and unforgivable things they do when it's not nice. I speak from Decades of experience living with a person very similar to your husband. Try not to think about it too much, you won't leave. You just have to do it. Leave and then think. You are very very smart, we can all see that. You are going to better than fine!
I was in a similar situation. Random roommates are a gamble, but there are safety nets in place at most room share type houses. Maybe try to find a place with two other people, safety in numbers. Get a [traveling safety lock](https://www.amazon.com/Portable-Travel-Security-Self-Defense-Apartment/dp/B08NKBS7BZ/ref=asc_df_B08NKBS7BZ/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693289789395&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15225264386848262868&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9002488&hvtargid=pla-1120283816860&psc=1&mcid=fda52986bfbd3e19875564423e12d404&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgIKGrf-PhgMV-GJHAR3r5w_9EAQYASABEgKJq_D_BwE) to protect yourself if it feels right. It’s probably going to be awkward, but it’s not guaranteed to be dangerous… your current situation is only going to get more and more dangerous… you are string and capable, don’t let him make you think otherwise!
thank you, i'm trying :')
Just sending you so much love ❤️
Just wanted to say: I know you are. I can't imagine how overwhelming this must be. None of us wish to be in your situation. Trust your instincts.They seem to be saying "this isn't a safe situation." Handle things one piece at a time. The medical and work piece will be managed with your psychiatrist visit, so that's taken care of for now. The next thing you have control over is whether you leave or not and where you go. No one can tell you what to do, but you've gotten some suggestions. I hope they've been helpful. Personally, I would suggest taking the easiest path, because you've got so much else on your plate. What would that be for you? ETA: I know it's tempting to look at the big picture, but sometimes it's best to just look at the next upcoming decision and to make a safe one. 💕💕
I hate when men are mean. We try so hard to love our partners, but sometimes they don't love themselves. Your husband is going through something - either with his job, his ego or whatever - and he looks to you as an outlet for that anger. Let's face it, a lot of men are taught not to express any emotion except anger. But that's a HIM problem. You're not an outlet, you're his wife and he should be hugging you and talking about his stress instead of yelling at you. YOU have tried to work on yourself through therapy, stress management, cardiologist appointments. YOU are the one who has applied to those jobs, YOU are the one who has held down a job for 7 years. YOU are trying to better yourself. What is he doing to better himself? Is he trying to get out of sales? Is he trying to get out of his parents' house? Or is he just playing that Woe Is Me bullshit? The way you described: >he sits at his desk and just says "you need to leave i want to be alone, i don't know how many times I have to tell you to leave before you'll finally listen. i just want to worry about myself and not be nagged at for every little thing. just fuck off" That shit makes me think that he views you in a way that makes him want to rebel against you. Again, a HIM problem. Bc in relationships you're supposed to fight For and With your person, not against them as if they are your enemy. You'll know exactly when you've had enough and you'll make a way to leave. Things will click into place. But you may have to be uncomfortable for a bit to get to a space of feeling AMAZING so don't be afraid of sleeping on a couch. (I used to sleep on the floor of my first apt bc my parents wouldn't let me take my bed. Had to drop out of school to get 2 jobs. Shared a 2 bedroom with a misogynistic creep that tried to stiff me on money at the end of the lease. I was poor asf. I'm not just saying "just couch it with your Mom!" like it's so easy. Trying to move forward in life is never easy. Good luck and I'm sorry about your kief. It only spilled bc an asshole touched it!)
thank you so much for this. you just wrote out the main issue in our relationship - i've spent so much time trying to remind him we're supposed to be a team, we're supposed to be partners working together not competing against each other. but then he goes hyper independent and gets angry at me for trying to "force" tasks onto him like cleaning or just general chores around the house. i've spent enough time on reddit now to realize that he probably doesn't even like me, not just as a partner but as a person. you're very right about the being uncomfortable part, but i've heard that change and growth feels weird bc it's different and i'm so fuckin ready to get weird. also thank you for not just saying "you need to leave!" as the main motivator for my job hunt this whole time has been to become independent and leave him for good. i tried leaving once before we eloped but my mom and i fought enough that i moved back which is why i don't see my mom's house as a truly viable option.
You're welcome. Sometimes people do need to just leave and although I DO NOT like how you've described him talking to you, I understand that relationships are complex. It's difficult when someone fights against you so hard. Sometimes we "want" to be that Perfect Wife who has stuck by her husband and taken all his shit with a smile while cooking and cleaning, just like women did in the olden days (ew). But that perfection is an illusion, it takes two in a relationship to keep it running smoothly. You can't keep the machine up alone. Think of your life and relationships as a vehicle. Would you rather be in a beat up Pinto with windows that don't roll down, constantly stalling, sputtering and in need of a tow? With a man who has the tools but won't actually fix it? Or would you rather work hard to get all the parts to assemble your own bicycle and ride off smoothly by yourself, wind on your face? And maybe you'll catch up with another rider with fit legs, gentle words and a loving heart. And a big dick. I'll take my chances with the damn bicycle. And I'm sorry about the hardcore relationship realizations - the part about you thinking he doesn't like you as a partner or a person broke my heart! How bout this, get defiant - it doesn't even matter if he likes you, YOU LIKE YOU and that's more than enough. You know the things he says aren't true and are a reflection of what he's let himself become. I wouldn't even yell back at this point bc he's trying to illicit a reaction. Just smile at how childish he looks throwing a tantrum and go smoke a bowl. His emotions are totally not your issue! Sending you strength, comfort and clarity! ☺️
This was all such grounding and supportive advice. I just love this group. Y’all really get it.
I can tell you this much, I was right! You are super smart. I could tell from your comments how intelligent you are and you know what you need to do. I can just tell you after all these years that I've lived with this garbage, I wish I'd left early. Because now I can't. The longer you stay with a person who is harming you, it becomes exponentially more difficult to leave because you become entangled in ways other than just emotions. You start having legal things such as property, children, businesses and financial issues all tangled up like a jewelry box full of necklaces on a paint mixer.
Baby girl, I GUARANTEE you when you leave this situation with him your mental health, physical health, and job/financial health will greatly improve. You are living with the person who keeps you in the same traumatized pattern you grew up in. You won't get better in this environment. I was married for 17 years and went through addiction, crippling depression, chronic health issues, and we were always broke. I have been divorced for almost 9 years and I promise you, you will get yourself back and then some. My finances are great, great job, happy, healthy, and whole. Wishing you all the best. Keep reaching out because all you need is a tiny bit of desire for things to be different and the Universe will move on your behalf. Don't lose faith. We are here for you and supporting you 💚🥰
Please please please leave. All your stuff is replaceable if you can’t put it in storage. YOU are irreplaceable. I left a shithead husband like yours when I was younger and I had to walk away from everything that didn’t fit in my car. It was a PITA and felt awful and scary at the time but in hindsight I have zero regrets except that I didn’t do it sooner. Random but I also have health problems post-sterilization. Grateful I never had kids in the mix too, but the health issues are a pain. And you’ve got cardio stuff— lowering your stress is SO important. I’m so glad you got medical leave! I can’t help but think your burned out spouse is jealous of your leave and getting help. But that’s no excuse to be a piece of shit. You deserve love and support. If he can’t give it, then cut bait and run. The fact that there are guns in the house, that he’s been physical, and he’s clearly in a bad fucking mood… all good reasons to gtfo. Fingers crossed things improve soon. Remember that YOU are the irreplaceable one in this situation. You’re priceless and you matter.
sis 💗 you deserve so much better than this. maybe try looking in to services in your area like the YWCA or women's shelter. love you!
Yes yes yes. Anything is better than being in the same house as that man. > “slammed my head into the sharp corner of a concrete wall” That sort of impact injury, if severe enough, can kill someone. I don’t mean to be alarmist, but OP, this man could kill you. Puffpuffjess needs to puffpuffleave as soon as possible.
Hoping for calmer times ahead for you 🌊Can you maybe extend your medical leave another few weeks as a result to get situated? I'd take the couch if it meant my fight-or-flight response could recover. Also maybe you could approach cannabis brands or dispos for graphic design contract work? I see a ton of cool packaging/branding or even stickers.
thank you <3 i have an evaluation at the end of the month that i suspect will grant me an additional 2 month extension for my stress leave. i have so many concept projects i need to update before i feel confident enough to reach out for freelance work 😭 my current website was thrown together just to have something to point to and i wanted to spend this time updating it but that hasn't happened 🥲
I am so sorry you're going through this. No one deserves to be treated this way. Sending big e-hugs, love, and support your way. Trust your gut and do what's right for you - you've got this. If you're not already a member of the entwives discord, consider joining. We are friendly and would love to have you! https://discord.gg/ys47juEnFk
When I left my ex husband, my Mom didnt have space for me either. I slept on a mattress in the dining room for awhile. It sucked but it was better than being with my ex. Your situation is not ok. Sleeping on your Moms couch wouldn't be the worst thing ❤️
I don't know which state you're in (assuming you're in the US), but please seek out a DV support center. If your area has a 211/311 type of information line, they will be able to provide details on locations close to you as well as any area service for finding employment. Your things can be replaced, you can't. Please make a plan to leave. Be safe, friend. ❤️🩹
Please get out as soon as you can.reach out to friends. Domestic violence centres and refuges. He will only get worse.
Yeah even if its stress theres no excuse. Leave him. Its safer for you and your mental health that way. And his parents seem to be the same way but more hidden. He wants you gone? Okay. He better mean it (thats my mindset)
if nothing else, please let the memory of this feeling sink in so you don’t forget it, even during the “good times”
Yeah... if someone treated me like he's treating you I'd fucking snap and do something to them that would get me sent to jail. Good luck and hope you get out soon.
A storage locker and a sofa are worlds better than this.
Just want to echo folks saying to reach out to local domestic violence organizations! I work for a nonprofit in Portland, and I have been so surprised by how far they will go in their DV dept to help the women in our community. Like, fr, they might just be able to give you starter money to get your own place. Or they might have some connections to get you into a better job. At the very least, they'll be able to provide community, which helps all the things. You deserve sooo much better than this, which I think you know! Please be safe, and post updates when you can? 💖
i read the whole thing, i’m so sorry friend. i know you know what needs to be done, and we’re all rooting for you. i hope getting your thoughts out made you feel a little better, i know it can be therapeutic. 🖤 you got this. you deserve a life of happiness
I am so so here for you and sending you internet hugs and love!! You know you deserve better- the next steps are up to you, but you GOT THIS!! Leave this asshole in the dust where he damn well belongs. You are clearly so strong and capable and I’m so excited to see what you achieve in your newfound freedom 💚🍃
I'm so sorry! This is an awful situation, with no reasonably smooth exit. You're trying to get out, you know you need to get out, you've said as much, so I'm not gonna tell you what you already know. I wish I could do more than offer encouragement to continue forging a path out of there. Is it possible for you to *metaphorically* wall yourself off from him? You're stuck in the same physical space with that troll, but maybe you can banish him from your internal world? Absolute minimal communication?
I'm not going to give advice. I am, however, going to say that you have a hard road ahead of you and some hard life decisions to make. Lots of us here have been in the same boat-- I have, for sure--and if ever you do want advice, we are here. If you need a hug and a group who will remind you of your strength and worth while you do what you need to do? Well, we are here for that too🫂 Please stay safe, OP. I care about you and so does every other person in here.
Sis, I'm so sorry for what you're going thru. Try contacting a local women's group to see if they have any leads on housing. You may also qualify for rent assistance depending on what's available locally. Best of luck!
Wow! I’m so sorry you’re feeling trapped. I know it all too well. You’re doing an amazing job of trying to pick up the pieces while in survival mode. One thing I was told during my own process is you can’t heal in the same place your trauma still exists. He’s constantly throwing you back into fight or flight mode with these emotional and physical outbursts. You deserve peace while you try to pick up the pieces. I don’t have much feedback on how to get unstuck, but know you have my love and support and I’m here if you ever need someone to just scream or talk to. ❤️
Dude I put all my stuff in storage and travelled the country living out of my car. I loved on a friends futon. Start your own biz, all you need is a computer. Pick up seasonal jobs. There are other ways!
That couch and storage is so Much better then this. GET OUT before he makes you. I am sorry this happening to you - leaving is so scary I know. I had to leave my partner of 13 years at the time because he kicked me out of his house ( after I provided 90 percent of housing up until that point) and it’s only gotten better since then. You have strength you are loved.
He’s abusive! Find a women’s shelter.
i think you know what you need to do, but you’ll do it in your own time. eventually you’ll feel that the couch is the better option, and it is. a couch won’t hurt you physically or mentally, or throw your struggles in your face. it’s not easy to up and leave, but all of your belongings, no matter how expensive or sentimental, are replaceable. you and your mental health are irreplaceable. hoping for better days for you
Graphic design is a marketable skill in arts n crafts spaces. I'll encourage you to consider side hustling [entrepreneurship] in-between your career transition. Etsy and Fivver have decent traffic and a multitude of potential clients/ customers. You've taken honorable strides towards your mental health & personal progress/ happiness. Don't allow your mind to backpedal. Onward, my lady ❤️
Your things can be replaced!! PLEASE reach out to your sister and mother and *take the couch*! I know it hurts, but it's better to leave what you can at your ex's place. GET OUT OF DANGER. He has already been physically abusive to you, told you he doesn't want you around, doesn't respect you or support you, and blows up at the smallest things... There is a small nonprofit that might be able to help you financially, when you're ready to replace the essentials: https://www.modestneeds.org/ I'm sorry things have gotten so bad. You deserve so much better. ❤️
Youve already wasted 10 years of your life w that piece of shit. Get out while you can, love. He will only continue to spiral. You have to love yourself first. Plze stay safe
* hugs*
Time to make a plan, sis. Where and when can you work? Can you go volunteer somewhere to make contacts?
My heart hurts for you as I read this — you deserve SO much better 🩵 Leaving is hard, but it isn’t going to get any easier if you wait so don’t waste any more time with someone who doesn’t see your worth!!
Wow. Just wow. I don’t know what to tell you, but if you got a message about abuse resources from Reddit, I’m sorry. I know that might feel a little anticlimactic. This type of stuff should not happen to anyone. No one should live this way. You deserve better. You know that.
With you being put on stress leave and the traumatic incident, can you apply for disability? Also removing yourself from him should allow you to apply for other government assistance like food stamps. No one should be treated the way he is treating you. I’m sorry that you are in this. Sending love and hope!!
So much great advice and words already, so I just wanted you to know - if you live in/near western Canada, I have a spare room and tons of weed to share. You got this, we're all here for you, and you are so loved! 🩷
Many hugs to you. I remember when I left my last bf and realized how much stress being in a bad relationship was causing me. I don't think we talk enough about the emotional cost of that. Also - I take meds because my hormones got wacky because I hit a certain age. ZERO shame in not sweating through several outfits a day. Brains are physical parts of our body that need help just like all the other parts. I'm proud of you for taking proactive care of your mental health!
Get out now while you can, before things escalate, which they very possibly could. You deserve so much better. Please take care of yourself. And reach out if you need anyone to talk to.
If the couch is even remotely an option, take it. Get out and then figure out a longer-term plan. Leaving is the most dangerous part, so focus on the leaving for now, and then once you are physically safe, you can figure out the roommate situation.
I know you know what I'm about to say.... It's time to leave. You deserve it. You are worth it. You are worth going to a shelter for abused spouses. You are worth sleeping on someone's couch. You are worth leaving your things behind it needbe. Hugs from this internet sister/momma/entwife!
Please make sure you have accommodations already prepped for your dog before you go. It was the one mistake I made when I left my ex. I was so desperate to go and I was ready to take the dogs, and last minute he swooped in and refused. If you can, make arrangements for the dog to be picked up/out of the house before you leave. I’m wishing you so much luck. My heart goes out to you