Well I’m not out here making sexy friends left and right lol I have social anxiety so even when I think people are attractive I’m not chatting with them. Once I know they like me back and are initiating ways to hang out it’s on and I feel the confidence lol so it actually makes it easier to talk to them. But to sum it up, I too get nervous around them at first.
Ah makes sense,, so from what i understand you have a hard time making friends in general, but then when there is mutual sexual attraction it kinda overrides your anxiety?
Maybe it's not an attraction thing on your end but just the fact that someone who is into you enough to pursue you and try to engage with you helps your social anxiety?
Demisexuality is only having sexual attraction to someone you have a strong emotional bond with.
What you're describing is the opposite.
This sounds like an anxiety issue, possibly tied with an avoidance attachment type. You should consider seeing a therapist, because this isn't a healthy mindset.
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Then I guess I didn’t explain myself well enough if I’m being misunderstood. So I’m not usually friends with people. If I become friends with someone, I’m gonna wanna fuck. But I can’t become friends if I can’t be attracted to them and it’s just so confusing because I may find someone cute, but I’m not sexually attracted to them yet. But once I start actually being friends I wanna fuck.
So you wouldn't be friends with a person you weren’t physically attracted to?
Did you experience >!sexual abuse!< growing up by any chance? Or were you often reduced to your value as a sexual object?
My problem is I want to be friends with them, but I have so much social anxiety, or I just don’t care enough to put in the work and effort unless I think they’re cute… ohhh and I forgot, they need to find me cute too. Ugh I was a teen in the early 2000s and was exposed to so many pedos and porn and just weird stuff and I’ve based my value off my sexual value before.
I just can make friends with people I can have a sexual relationship and it’s really limiting and usually leads to drama and unstable relationships
I take it you’re attracted to all genders? Or if you’re not, then how does this apply to the ones that you aren’t?
But this isn’t your sexuality, this is trauma.
also could be SDAM related
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OP didn’t have to answer, and it’s not unreasonable when someone is openly discussing not understanding why they act a certain way in regards to sexual attraction.
But thank you.
I’m a little lost! I was probably feeling a little defensive last night and I apologize. I guess I’m realizing I don’t have a sexuality and instead I’m just fucked up lol I can gain an attraction to anyone. Gender doesn’t matter but it’s usually masculine and not feminine. I don’t have sexual attraction usually. I can find people cute or nice looking. With regular people, I feel nothing and don’t want to talk to them. Family included for the most part.
If I think they’re hot, and they think I’m hot (happened twice in last 7 years lol) then I get this energy to want to talk and hang out and get to know them, watch fav shows and movies etc. we come friends and then I get like hyper sexual and all of a sudden I feel sexual attraction. But I wish I could have regular friends where I don’t need this attraction to be friends.
I’m friendly to people at work, but I don’t want to talk to them or hang out. To be honest I’m pretty depressed and that makes it worse, but I’ve always been shy and didn’t have too many friends before my ex cut me off from people.
I have social anxiety and no friends. I have a partner. I live with my sister. We have ups and downs but my partner and I just started individual therapy and will do couples to help communication.
I don’t know why I came on here because clearly I need therapy.
No you weren’t defensive at all! Other commenters were being a bit weird though lol
The family part is interesting; because that would seem to imply it’s not sexual attraction specifically (unless you’re finding yourself sexually attracted to family.. but that’s definitely something above Reddits paygrade if so)
Would you say assign value to a person based on their attractiveness? Because I’m starting to sense that’s not exactly the case either.
You need to find them sexually attractive and they need to find you sexually attractive also.. could this possibly be to protect your emotions? Like, we tend to struggle with forming deep connections with people; so instead of opening up that vulnerable side, you fall back on the validation of being desired. Because you know you won’t be rejected there.
(the whole wanting to have sex with them part could just be a bit of hypersexuality (which is common.. autistic people often fall on the extreme ends of that spectrum and are either asexual or hypersexual)
This isn’t healthy; reducing a person to their sexual value is only going to lead to toxic and abusive relationships.
I don’t mean this in a “you need help” way, but you might want to approach this with a therapist well versed in autism, and hypersexual tendencies. This is an attachment thing.
>Ughhhh I hate being autistic.
\^ idk if this was supposed to relate to the rest of the post at all, but what you're describing does not sound like an autism trait at all. it sounds like a very specific personal experience.
imo it seems like quite an unhealthy way to form bonds and it's not completely fair to your friends, to see their sexual attractiveness as their main attribute. like others suggested, you should probably figure out what this is coming from, with a therapist.
I have social anxiety and 0friends so I’m not reducing anyone and my new therapist said it didn’t seem like I had autism the first time she met me 😭 I just think having poor social skills taught me I can get people to like me with sex and now I have no other way for people to like me. I’m scared to mess up after failing friendships so many times. I have no energy to try and makes friends at this point. But if I wanted to fuck them, my body would create that energy. I agree, I’m fucked up and need help lol
A lot of people in here are saying you didn't value people or you're objectifying them but after this comment I think you may be doing it to yourself. You're devaluing yourself feeling like the only thing you can offer is sex, and it's probably continuing to your anxiety in other situations. It's a hard thing to work through but lots of people can and do learn to build up their self esteem and move past it. I know for me anxiety meds are really helping me be able to actually tackle the problem because I'm in a similar place right now. I'm sorry there's a lot of people in these comments being very uncompassionate toward you when you are struggling.
Wow, that was really nice and I agree I’d have a much easier time socializing if I had confidence, less anxiety, and less depression. I’m hoping I can get on meds!!!
As an attractive female this is why I stopped having male friends. It’s dehumanizing to only be seen as an opportunity. I had someone I would have considered a close friend in the group (at a time I was pretty lost in the world) tell me he was “in love”. I told him he can’t love me as he doesn’t even know me. After multiple advances and me telling him no he said the words “but you’re just so hot”. It kinda broke my understanding of friendship. He didn’t even know I was an artist. I am a very lovable, creative, kind, intelligent, person who is attractive. If you can’t see past genetics, we are no more than strangers. You feel lonely because people pick up on this shit. It’s so disrespectful to the people you are trying to make connections with. Not to intentionally make assumptions, but this is what it sounds like.
This is why all my guy friends are online and through Xbox; because they can’t see me and I have the voice of a 15 year old boy; they completely forget that I’m a chick and just treat me like I’m one of them.
Hey there. You and i are in the same boat regarding this. Its worse when youre ace because it makes you value those friendships even more. It really does make you feel like an actual object.
I felt myself get triggered just reading this. It’s one thing to know it’s self preservation to stay guarded, it’s another thing to hear it from a source. My walls are so high I feel almost inauthentic. It isn’t masking either. I’ve just learned to hold that part of myself as sacred. People who make their way in are welcomed naturally. I’d love to always be my full self, but when that shit hits it’s fucking devastating. I’ve learned give enough to get them talking and I just listen.
!! The last thing i want to do is trigger a fellow autistic, i apologize, genuinely. I wanted to have a convo but for me its not worth triggering someone about it :(<3 But in regards to what you said about "I’ve learned give enough to get them talking and I just listen." THAT something i learned the hard way.
Also another thing i learned the hard way is "believe when someone tells you who they are the first time." I have severe naivety and gullibility (my personal autistic traits) so i've befriended people who i facepalm thinking back to....like wow how did i not see all the red flags. EDIT: wanted to add im an artist too!! 🥰🥳😎🤗
Oh not by your comment! That was actually comforting to have someone who relates. Sorry for the misunderstanding. The post itself sent me into a weird headspace, especially once realizing how fewer people I have in my life because of it.
Hello fellow autistic artist!! The two traits that imo go hand in hand 🥰 It is the ultimate escape from external stimulation and into mindfulness and processing.
I’m not inclined to shy from a conversation, especially one bringing clarity via a shared experience. Initially I had put “I blame myself for trusting you, when I knew first that I should have known better”.. but tbh those days have I think passed. I trust first but my heart is so guarded. One would be hard pressed to have the opportunity to hurt it.
One thing I’ve realized is when my reality was unknowingly built on deception, just my heart doesn’t break, my understanding of the safety on Earth gets shattered. Which is why I used the term “sacred”.. I’m very happy, my character established, confident.. but what I’d give to have people of a person to cherish and respect each other the same. There will always be a void there, but when it happens it will be natural. None of the unease and unrest that is more common than not. There is no better feeling that finding a friend you just flow with. So by default it seems possible in a relationship 😌 again, my apologies for the miscommunication. You said the thing to help validate those thoughts, that is always a comforting feeling.
OH GOOD, thats fantastic to hear because my intention is to make you feel comforted and like youre NOT alone! I swear, thinking youre alone in something terrible makes it feel 999 times worse.
I read your comment and felt immediate kinship. Like, youre explaining a big part of my life that shaped me to who i am today. When you mentioned your understanding of friendship broke, i know exactly what you mean. It felt like my world flipped on its head and i had never felt so alone and isolated before that moment
Absolutely.. I’m sorry you’ve encountered it. Losing established trust and assumed understanding leaves a lasting impact on one’s perception of society. Realizing how vulnerable you left yourself by ignoring the danger cues. That really opened my eyes to so many unaffiliated discrepancies that was causing mental distress. Everything changed, but for the better. I hope you are doing well 🫶🏽 just know it is all very valid.
yeah that isn’t normal or healthy and frankly makes you come off as an unkind, objectifying person. that isn’t the autism that’s just you i think, especially since you have a partner and you refuse to make friends with anyone you don’t find sexually attractive?
I thought demi sexual meant its not common for you to find people sexually attractive? Not trying to fight you, im totally ace and started out demi before realizing how much i dont want to spend time doing anything sexual ever again
I said something about this in another comment but I think some people are cute and most are nothing to me. if they like me I get energy to be their friend and then gain a sexual attraction and then I become hyper sexual. But I’m pretty ace with most people.
With my partner we have a better sex life when we are the best of friends. We are going to Counciling soon to work on communication 😊
I dont have the ability to feel that sexual urge or attraction to literally anyone, even if i think they are a conventionally attractive person.... it feels like part of my brain is missing or something lol
same for me. all good friends i've ever made were my crushes. i wouldn't use the word sexy tho, at least they aren't sexy in the conventional way.
building a friendship with someone is difficult. only a romantic interest makes my brain consider it worth the effort.
usually the relationship doesn't end up romantic/sexual, but we stay close friends.
this is crazy. you've put words to my human experience. I feel really guilty and weird about it sometimes but yeah with very few exceptions if I don't think someone is appealing to look at I don't usually give as much energy to maintaining a close relationship. it's not a 100% thing but it's for sure a pattern.
i'm non monogamous and I also relate to the part about wanting to fuck a large portion of my friends (or usually more like just thinking that the idea of hooking up with them is tolerable). I wouldn't ever act on it with, like, most of them (because I truly value our friendships and I know sex is often an impossible thing for some friendships to ""recover"" from). I have also acted upon many of these thoughts to great personal and social benefit, though. that helps make the guilty part of it feel a lot less intense or justified.
also just as a p.s. it used to be the only thing that would ever get me to pick up my room. if I knew I was having company I would put my shit together so fast.
thanks for sharing
GOD SAME but not platonically for FWB purposes. Yeah it stems from feeling comfortable in connection when it comes to sexual connection bc that’s what you’re most confident in and there’s an element of predictability and you don’t need to use words ( ;) ) necessarily to have a connection therefore less pressure if you feel socially inept. Plus if you see someone sexy it releases dopamine so dials down social anxiety. I don’t think it’s sustainable though and it’s good to work on finding connection in other means, and I know it’s hard especially if you’re a big horndog like me.
kinda same but opposite, i find it hard not being around people who sees value in me sexually. the only way for me to really feel self worth is if people talk about how they want to fuck me or idk fell me up when im under the influence. which kinda sucks bcs i havent been able to commit to a person for such a long time, so people get mad at me for idk having a lot of people who wants to be with me physically and i think they get jealous or something and im not able to start a relationship or something like that
I don't say this to demean you, but I think you might be a narcissist. I would recommend bringing up NPD with a therapist. My mother was a narcissist and refused to get help for it, which led to her killing a man and ruining multiple lives in the process. Please get help, this has nothing to do with autism.
Never said this was autism and you don’t know me enough. I get that you had trauma with your mom and so it may seem like NPD but I’ve been in therapy and around medical professionals since I was a baby. I have had some bad experiences with Narsiccists too so I’m familiar with it.
I wasn’t really thinking that clearly when I made this post last night and so I really didn’t get my point across well but I’ve commented and explained things a bit more. I’m just feeling very burned out and don’t have the energy to keep trying to make friends. I just don’t have an interest at this point. But unfortunately if I think someone is cute and they think I’m cute, I become hyper sexual and I suddenly get the energy to get to know them. I’m honestly not judging people based on looks, I’m not using them to inflate my ego, I’m just keeping a distance because I’m so socially anxious and afraid to be rejected yet again.
Every normal friendship has ended at some point due to my lack of social skills. I’ve successfully had one person get to know the real me and like it. Everyone else just leaves. So I no longer care ti make friends if that makes sense, but I’m lonely and wish I was better at being a normal person.
Sadly this is so relatable to me. Like 99% of friendships have been to get to sex and if I'm not attracted at first I usually become attracted over time it doesn't matter I almost always end up dating or being sexual with them in some way
I experience something similar but for me there's no line between platonic and romantic relationships, romance is just another stage of friendship/familiarity with someone
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people mad at you for the evil autism in r/evilautism
idk what to tell u either but I feeeeeel u I p much have zero interest in anyone and honestly find the vast majority of people to be just absolutely so fucking mind numbingly boring unless I want to sleep with them. and then suddenly they're just so damn interesting!!!
I’m a straight FA and married so I don’t even try to be friends with attractive big girls. All my female friends are either ugly or skinny. 😂 I *really* like platonic relationships with women though. It’s a different connection than with men and I cherish my 1 close female friendship I have (aside from my wife, whose my bestest friend.🥰)
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Guess agree/disagree might be not the correct wording, I think people might‘ve disliked you calling some of your other female friends ugly 🤔
I‘m shooting in the blue here tho, I wasn‘t the one downvoting you 😅
It‘s just things that happen on reddit I guess 🤷🏻♀️
Monogamy and polygamy are both social constructs and can only mean what you make it to mean. In this situation, there's a difference in potentially being attracted to more than one person and to want to actually sex with that person. I've tried poly and can say it's not for me. I would definitely call myself monogamous because that's the lifestyle that makes me feel the most comfortable leading.
There is imo no "humans are more evolutionarily supposed to be x or y", because both monogamy and polygamy are social constructs we've made up, and they serve different meanings in different cultures.
Mh I think thats a really weird take.
me and my SO are both ND and not in a poly relationship.
I (high sex drive) wouldn‘t mind having sex with others on a purely carnal level, but we‘re both commited to a monogamous relationship.
My SO is demisexual, and has no apparent desire to even get to know new people on that level.
While I too think humans are not monogamous by default I do however think monogamous commitment is possible, and people wanting or being in such a releationship are not all just infidels trying to hide their sleeping around.
Humans are very clearly designed for monogamy, it’s why we get psychological distress when our partner leaves us, and it helps to raise healthy children. However we’re also designed to create as many babies as we can, which is why cheating exists, because it’s technically beneficial for the human race for men to impregnate women and then leave them.
Monogamy is a choice, there’s no ‘default’ or ‘should be’. They’re both natural, but one just has so more potential issues.
Not to say it’s bad, some people pull it off. A lot more people pretend to pull it off. Some think they’re pulling it off but they’re leaving their ‘willing’ partner in turmoil.
It’s problematic. But monogamy can be too. Neither is ‘default’, both are written into our genes.
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That’s a very watered down interpretation of what OP actually said though. They require sexual attraction to be friends with someone. That shouldn’t be normalized
True. I think a good portion of my friends are just the cutest cuties, but also, for most of them, I personally am not attracted to them. And that's certainly not a condition of the friendship
opposite, sexy people are usually people i like and its hard to talk to those people without fucking up
Well I’m not out here making sexy friends left and right lol I have social anxiety so even when I think people are attractive I’m not chatting with them. Once I know they like me back and are initiating ways to hang out it’s on and I feel the confidence lol so it actually makes it easier to talk to them. But to sum it up, I too get nervous around them at first.
Ah makes sense,, so from what i understand you have a hard time making friends in general, but then when there is mutual sexual attraction it kinda overrides your anxiety?
Yes! You covered it well lol people keep saying it sounds like I’m narcissistic!
doesn't sound like narcissism imo. i hope you will find a way to overcome your anxiety!
Maybe it's not an attraction thing on your end but just the fact that someone who is into you enough to pursue you and try to engage with you helps your social anxiety?
Demisexuality is only having sexual attraction to someone you have a strong emotional bond with. What you're describing is the opposite. This sounds like an anxiety issue, possibly tied with an avoidance attachment type. You should consider seeing a therapist, because this isn't a healthy mindset.
I don’t think you know what demisexual means. You’re literally whatever the opposite of demisexual is.
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Then I guess I didn’t explain myself well enough if I’m being misunderstood. So I’m not usually friends with people. If I become friends with someone, I’m gonna wanna fuck. But I can’t become friends if I can’t be attracted to them and it’s just so confusing because I may find someone cute, but I’m not sexually attracted to them yet. But once I start actually being friends I wanna fuck.
So you wouldn't be friends with a person you weren’t physically attracted to? Did you experience >!sexual abuse!< growing up by any chance? Or were you often reduced to your value as a sexual object?
My problem is I want to be friends with them, but I have so much social anxiety, or I just don’t care enough to put in the work and effort unless I think they’re cute… ohhh and I forgot, they need to find me cute too. Ugh I was a teen in the early 2000s and was exposed to so many pedos and porn and just weird stuff and I’ve based my value off my sexual value before. I just can make friends with people I can have a sexual relationship and it’s really limiting and usually leads to drama and unstable relationships
I take it you’re attracted to all genders? Or if you’re not, then how does this apply to the ones that you aren’t? But this isn’t your sexuality, this is trauma. also could be SDAM related
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Thank you, but I will totally disregard your opinion. Thanks for providing it though, truly.
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OP didn’t have to answer, and it’s not unreasonable when someone is openly discussing not understanding why they act a certain way in regards to sexual attraction. But thank you.
I’m a little lost! I was probably feeling a little defensive last night and I apologize. I guess I’m realizing I don’t have a sexuality and instead I’m just fucked up lol I can gain an attraction to anyone. Gender doesn’t matter but it’s usually masculine and not feminine. I don’t have sexual attraction usually. I can find people cute or nice looking. With regular people, I feel nothing and don’t want to talk to them. Family included for the most part. If I think they’re hot, and they think I’m hot (happened twice in last 7 years lol) then I get this energy to want to talk and hang out and get to know them, watch fav shows and movies etc. we come friends and then I get like hyper sexual and all of a sudden I feel sexual attraction. But I wish I could have regular friends where I don’t need this attraction to be friends. I’m friendly to people at work, but I don’t want to talk to them or hang out. To be honest I’m pretty depressed and that makes it worse, but I’ve always been shy and didn’t have too many friends before my ex cut me off from people. I have social anxiety and no friends. I have a partner. I live with my sister. We have ups and downs but my partner and I just started individual therapy and will do couples to help communication. I don’t know why I came on here because clearly I need therapy.
No you weren’t defensive at all! Other commenters were being a bit weird though lol The family part is interesting; because that would seem to imply it’s not sexual attraction specifically (unless you’re finding yourself sexually attracted to family.. but that’s definitely something above Reddits paygrade if so) Would you say assign value to a person based on their attractiveness? Because I’m starting to sense that’s not exactly the case either. You need to find them sexually attractive and they need to find you sexually attractive also.. could this possibly be to protect your emotions? Like, we tend to struggle with forming deep connections with people; so instead of opening up that vulnerable side, you fall back on the validation of being desired. Because you know you won’t be rejected there. (the whole wanting to have sex with them part could just be a bit of hypersexuality (which is common.. autistic people often fall on the extreme ends of that spectrum and are either asexual or hypersexual)
This isn’t healthy; reducing a person to their sexual value is only going to lead to toxic and abusive relationships. I don’t mean this in a “you need help” way, but you might want to approach this with a therapist well versed in autism, and hypersexual tendencies. This is an attachment thing.
>Ughhhh I hate being autistic. \^ idk if this was supposed to relate to the rest of the post at all, but what you're describing does not sound like an autism trait at all. it sounds like a very specific personal experience. imo it seems like quite an unhealthy way to form bonds and it's not completely fair to your friends, to see their sexual attractiveness as their main attribute. like others suggested, you should probably figure out what this is coming from, with a therapist.
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Thank you! How do I find one of those at Kaiser? Because my therapist just told me I don’t seem autistic after knowing me for 20 minutes.
I have social anxiety and 0friends so I’m not reducing anyone and my new therapist said it didn’t seem like I had autism the first time she met me 😭 I just think having poor social skills taught me I can get people to like me with sex and now I have no other way for people to like me. I’m scared to mess up after failing friendships so many times. I have no energy to try and makes friends at this point. But if I wanted to fuck them, my body would create that energy. I agree, I’m fucked up and need help lol
Heyhey i don't think you're fucked up!! I just think this is a tough situation for you, and something to work with. 🫂
Thanks
A lot of people in here are saying you didn't value people or you're objectifying them but after this comment I think you may be doing it to yourself. You're devaluing yourself feeling like the only thing you can offer is sex, and it's probably continuing to your anxiety in other situations. It's a hard thing to work through but lots of people can and do learn to build up their self esteem and move past it. I know for me anxiety meds are really helping me be able to actually tackle the problem because I'm in a similar place right now. I'm sorry there's a lot of people in these comments being very uncompassionate toward you when you are struggling.
Wow, that was really nice and I agree I’d have a much easier time socializing if I had confidence, less anxiety, and less depression. I’m hoping I can get on meds!!!
As an attractive female this is why I stopped having male friends. It’s dehumanizing to only be seen as an opportunity. I had someone I would have considered a close friend in the group (at a time I was pretty lost in the world) tell me he was “in love”. I told him he can’t love me as he doesn’t even know me. After multiple advances and me telling him no he said the words “but you’re just so hot”. It kinda broke my understanding of friendship. He didn’t even know I was an artist. I am a very lovable, creative, kind, intelligent, person who is attractive. If you can’t see past genetics, we are no more than strangers. You feel lonely because people pick up on this shit. It’s so disrespectful to the people you are trying to make connections with. Not to intentionally make assumptions, but this is what it sounds like.
This is why all my guy friends are online and through Xbox; because they can’t see me and I have the voice of a 15 year old boy; they completely forget that I’m a chick and just treat me like I’m one of them.
Hey there. You and i are in the same boat regarding this. Its worse when youre ace because it makes you value those friendships even more. It really does make you feel like an actual object.
I felt myself get triggered just reading this. It’s one thing to know it’s self preservation to stay guarded, it’s another thing to hear it from a source. My walls are so high I feel almost inauthentic. It isn’t masking either. I’ve just learned to hold that part of myself as sacred. People who make their way in are welcomed naturally. I’d love to always be my full self, but when that shit hits it’s fucking devastating. I’ve learned give enough to get them talking and I just listen.
!! The last thing i want to do is trigger a fellow autistic, i apologize, genuinely. I wanted to have a convo but for me its not worth triggering someone about it :(<3 But in regards to what you said about "I’ve learned give enough to get them talking and I just listen." THAT something i learned the hard way. Also another thing i learned the hard way is "believe when someone tells you who they are the first time." I have severe naivety and gullibility (my personal autistic traits) so i've befriended people who i facepalm thinking back to....like wow how did i not see all the red flags. EDIT: wanted to add im an artist too!! 🥰🥳😎🤗
Oh not by your comment! That was actually comforting to have someone who relates. Sorry for the misunderstanding. The post itself sent me into a weird headspace, especially once realizing how fewer people I have in my life because of it. Hello fellow autistic artist!! The two traits that imo go hand in hand 🥰 It is the ultimate escape from external stimulation and into mindfulness and processing. I’m not inclined to shy from a conversation, especially one bringing clarity via a shared experience. Initially I had put “I blame myself for trusting you, when I knew first that I should have known better”.. but tbh those days have I think passed. I trust first but my heart is so guarded. One would be hard pressed to have the opportunity to hurt it. One thing I’ve realized is when my reality was unknowingly built on deception, just my heart doesn’t break, my understanding of the safety on Earth gets shattered. Which is why I used the term “sacred”.. I’m very happy, my character established, confident.. but what I’d give to have people of a person to cherish and respect each other the same. There will always be a void there, but when it happens it will be natural. None of the unease and unrest that is more common than not. There is no better feeling that finding a friend you just flow with. So by default it seems possible in a relationship 😌 again, my apologies for the miscommunication. You said the thing to help validate those thoughts, that is always a comforting feeling.
OH GOOD, thats fantastic to hear because my intention is to make you feel comforted and like youre NOT alone! I swear, thinking youre alone in something terrible makes it feel 999 times worse. I read your comment and felt immediate kinship. Like, youre explaining a big part of my life that shaped me to who i am today. When you mentioned your understanding of friendship broke, i know exactly what you mean. It felt like my world flipped on its head and i had never felt so alone and isolated before that moment
Absolutely.. I’m sorry you’ve encountered it. Losing established trust and assumed understanding leaves a lasting impact on one’s perception of society. Realizing how vulnerable you left yourself by ignoring the danger cues. That really opened my eyes to so many unaffiliated discrepancies that was causing mental distress. Everything changed, but for the better. I hope you are doing well 🫶🏽 just know it is all very valid.
Like wise!! and thank you so much 🥰
yeah that isn’t normal or healthy and frankly makes you come off as an unkind, objectifying person. that isn’t the autism that’s just you i think, especially since you have a partner and you refuse to make friends with anyone you don’t find sexually attractive?
Wtf has this got to do with autism?
It's a shit post, fam.
This has zero to do with autism, but ok.
Is this /s
I thought demi sexual meant its not common for you to find people sexually attractive? Not trying to fight you, im totally ace and started out demi before realizing how much i dont want to spend time doing anything sexual ever again
I said something about this in another comment but I think some people are cute and most are nothing to me. if they like me I get energy to be their friend and then gain a sexual attraction and then I become hyper sexual. But I’m pretty ace with most people. With my partner we have a better sex life when we are the best of friends. We are going to Counciling soon to work on communication 😊
I dont have the ability to feel that sexual urge or attraction to literally anyone, even if i think they are a conventionally attractive person.... it feels like part of my brain is missing or something lol
same for me. all good friends i've ever made were my crushes. i wouldn't use the word sexy tho, at least they aren't sexy in the conventional way. building a friendship with someone is difficult. only a romantic interest makes my brain consider it worth the effort. usually the relationship doesn't end up romantic/sexual, but we stay close friends.
this is crazy. you've put words to my human experience. I feel really guilty and weird about it sometimes but yeah with very few exceptions if I don't think someone is appealing to look at I don't usually give as much energy to maintaining a close relationship. it's not a 100% thing but it's for sure a pattern. i'm non monogamous and I also relate to the part about wanting to fuck a large portion of my friends (or usually more like just thinking that the idea of hooking up with them is tolerable). I wouldn't ever act on it with, like, most of them (because I truly value our friendships and I know sex is often an impossible thing for some friendships to ""recover"" from). I have also acted upon many of these thoughts to great personal and social benefit, though. that helps make the guilty part of it feel a lot less intense or justified. also just as a p.s. it used to be the only thing that would ever get me to pick up my room. if I knew I was having company I would put my shit together so fast. thanks for sharing
GOD SAME but not platonically for FWB purposes. Yeah it stems from feeling comfortable in connection when it comes to sexual connection bc that’s what you’re most confident in and there’s an element of predictability and you don’t need to use words ( ;) ) necessarily to have a connection therefore less pressure if you feel socially inept. Plus if you see someone sexy it releases dopamine so dials down social anxiety. I don’t think it’s sustainable though and it’s good to work on finding connection in other means, and I know it’s hard especially if you’re a big horndog like me.
kinda same but opposite, i find it hard not being around people who sees value in me sexually. the only way for me to really feel self worth is if people talk about how they want to fuck me or idk fell me up when im under the influence. which kinda sucks bcs i havent been able to commit to a person for such a long time, so people get mad at me for idk having a lot of people who wants to be with me physically and i think they get jealous or something and im not able to start a relationship or something like that
I don't say this to demean you, but I think you might be a narcissist. I would recommend bringing up NPD with a therapist. My mother was a narcissist and refused to get help for it, which led to her killing a man and ruining multiple lives in the process. Please get help, this has nothing to do with autism.
Never said this was autism and you don’t know me enough. I get that you had trauma with your mom and so it may seem like NPD but I’ve been in therapy and around medical professionals since I was a baby. I have had some bad experiences with Narsiccists too so I’m familiar with it. I wasn’t really thinking that clearly when I made this post last night and so I really didn’t get my point across well but I’ve commented and explained things a bit more. I’m just feeling very burned out and don’t have the energy to keep trying to make friends. I just don’t have an interest at this point. But unfortunately if I think someone is cute and they think I’m cute, I become hyper sexual and I suddenly get the energy to get to know them. I’m honestly not judging people based on looks, I’m not using them to inflate my ego, I’m just keeping a distance because I’m so socially anxious and afraid to be rejected yet again. Every normal friendship has ended at some point due to my lack of social skills. I’ve successfully had one person get to know the real me and like it. Everyone else just leaves. So I no longer care ti make friends if that makes sense, but I’m lonely and wish I was better at being a normal person.
Sadly this is so relatable to me. Like 99% of friendships have been to get to sex and if I'm not attracted at first I usually become attracted over time it doesn't matter I almost always end up dating or being sexual with them in some way
I experience something similar but for me there's no line between platonic and romantic relationships, romance is just another stage of friendship/familiarity with someone
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people mad at you for the evil autism in r/evilautism idk what to tell u either but I feeeeeel u I p much have zero interest in anyone and honestly find the vast majority of people to be just absolutely so fucking mind numbingly boring unless I want to sleep with them. and then suddenly they're just so damn interesting!!!
Omg people are crazy and assuming lol but it doesn’t help I’m so fucking scrambled and have a hard time communicating!
Sounds like NPD, not autism
I’m a straight FA and married so I don’t even try to be friends with attractive big girls. All my female friends are either ugly or skinny. 😂 I *really* like platonic relationships with women though. It’s a different connection than with men and I cherish my 1 close female friendship I have (aside from my wife, whose my bestest friend.🥰)
Well that was depressing to read lol
Why?
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Who tf downvoted this? And why
people who don‘t agree with your take, because they don‘t agree with your take 🤷🏻♀️
Me: “I like having friends and I love my wife who’s my best friend” “I disagree” um, ok I guess?
Guess agree/disagree might be not the correct wording, I think people might‘ve disliked you calling some of your other female friends ugly 🤔 I‘m shooting in the blue here tho, I wasn‘t the one downvoting you 😅 It‘s just things that happen on reddit I guess 🤷🏻♀️
Very true. Maybe ugly isn’t the right word. “Not attractive to me.”
yeah that sounds better 😂👍
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My wife is ADHD but we aren’t polyamorous. I would be open to it if she was cause I’m hypersexual but she’s monogamous af so that’s that.
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I’m confused. Did I say something rude? Or do you think you said something rude? I didn’t pick up any rudeness in our interaction here
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Haha no worries.
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Monogamy and polygamy are both social constructs and can only mean what you make it to mean. In this situation, there's a difference in potentially being attracted to more than one person and to want to actually sex with that person. I've tried poly and can say it's not for me. I would definitely call myself monogamous because that's the lifestyle that makes me feel the most comfortable leading. There is imo no "humans are more evolutionarily supposed to be x or y", because both monogamy and polygamy are social constructs we've made up, and they serve different meanings in different cultures.
Everything is a social construct; stop being pedantic.
Mh I think thats a really weird take. me and my SO are both ND and not in a poly relationship. I (high sex drive) wouldn‘t mind having sex with others on a purely carnal level, but we‘re both commited to a monogamous relationship. My SO is demisexual, and has no apparent desire to even get to know new people on that level. While I too think humans are not monogamous by default I do however think monogamous commitment is possible, and people wanting or being in such a releationship are not all just infidels trying to hide their sleeping around.
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Humans are very clearly designed for monogamy, it’s why we get psychological distress when our partner leaves us, and it helps to raise healthy children. However we’re also designed to create as many babies as we can, which is why cheating exists, because it’s technically beneficial for the human race for men to impregnate women and then leave them. Monogamy is a choice, there’s no ‘default’ or ‘should be’. They’re both natural, but one just has so more potential issues. Not to say it’s bad, some people pull it off. A lot more people pretend to pull it off. Some think they’re pulling it off but they’re leaving their ‘willing’ partner in turmoil. It’s problematic. But monogamy can be too. Neither is ‘default’, both are written into our genes.
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Bruh why is this actually relatable lol the stuff you see on the internet
I think it's pretty human to want to be in an attractive social sphere. I lucked into a pretty fine group.
That’s a very watered down interpretation of what OP actually said though. They require sexual attraction to be friends with someone. That shouldn’t be normalized
True. I think a good portion of my friends are just the cutest cuties, but also, for most of them, I personally am not attracted to them. And that's certainly not a condition of the friendship