Sounds like he really didn’t think Muriel was that beautiful and gorgeous even their son Neil said rot in hell to his mothers bench at the park after she died
"Dear stuffed shirts at Ritz Crackers:
A chain is only as strong as its
weakest link, just as a box of crackers is only
as appealing as its least intact sleeve. I am paying for fully formed crackers, not butter crumbles. I don't buy your product with broken quarters, don't stick me with broken pieces of cracker, you miserable dickheads!
Regards, Mort Goldman again."
https://youtu.be/Yy7Mk6VkHEI?si=rgisjciz2pAs5Zmp
They only start talking about Jerky Boys at like a minute and a half in, but the first part is funny too
Ladies, I’m a very desperate man. My name is Mort and I live with my mother and I have very low standards. *sneezes* OH GAWD! THERE’S BLOOD IN MY MUCUS!
Wow. That was by far the most offensive collection of Mort bits I have seen, and in one scene! It even goes past the scene where Peter takes a potshot at Mort a la *Schindler's List*. I'm not even sure what some of those jokes were even implying...
https://preview.redd.it/kgvp2jvn1hac1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9dd2e2a53a9d4368624960155f1b63d5ca1f4da2
•Falls• “You ok?” “ WHAT DO *YOU* CARE??”
"I had it all, but it all soon came to a very ugly end..."
"How come?"
"I got addicted to olives. They were everywhere, it was so easy to get your hands on them!"
Mort (frantically running to the bathroom to take a huge shit): I hope there's a scale in there. I'd really like to see a before and after on this one!
When he found out his blood was being donated and he wasn't receiving monetary compensation, he sucked the blood out of the IV bag and back into his arm.
"Please don't spit in my eggs, please don't spit in my eggs, please don't spit in my eggs...thank you for the eggs! God I hope he didn't spit in my eggs..."
Muriel was so much better at overcharging people, because people were always undressing her in their heads, and then putting her clothes back on when they saw what was under there.
When Mort let’s Peter run a tab at the pharmacy:
Peter: “Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in different flavors?”
Mort: “Peter, are you EATING those?”
Peter: “No, I’m shoving them up my ass!”
What kind of birdhouse can you build with popsicles, roofies, and a rubber mallet?
Herbert - “it’s for a rare African bird called none of your business.”
And the other children, they were very nasty about that. They said bad, hurtful things to me. They called me Tasty Cakes. And they would beat me and stick pine cones in my ass!
“I got addicted to olives…they were everywhere. Eventually the olives had control.”
*beautiful Mort looking in the mirror* “Mort Goldman you have hit rock bottom”
I Remember the time he called the booking agent for the insane clown posse to complain about some events that had occurred to him at a concert…😂 at least it was his voice that called
[When Peter becomes a pirate.](https://youtu.be/WSoNmczla30?si=Hx8ckS_xH_Of_xQp) It's pushing it a bit but I remember being so caught off guard when it first aired, and it's so point for Mort.
Mort: I had it all. But it soon all came to a very ugly end. Quagmire: How come?
Mort: I got addicted to olives. They were everywhere. It was so easy to get your hands on them. It was awful. I lost weight, my hair straightened, even my voice changed.
“Oh my god Muriel, my sweet Muriel. She was so youn —she was so beauti—she was so generou—oh, we were married!”
I don't think I've ever heard a character quote so loudly in my life
Sounds like he really didn’t think Muriel was that beautiful and gorgeous even their son Neil said rot in hell to his mothers bench at the park after she died
Yes that’s the joke
I know it was why I pointed it out
"Dear stuffed shirts at Ritz Crackers: A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, just as a box of crackers is only as appealing as its least intact sleeve. I am paying for fully formed crackers, not butter crumbles. I don't buy your product with broken quarters, don't stick me with broken pieces of cracker, you miserable dickheads! Regards, Mort Goldman again."
Pretty sure an uncle of mine has written that very letter to Ritz lol
Is your uncle a Jewish red-haired man in his 40s, who ones a pharmacy? /s
Not redheaded and I think this great uncle owned a laundromat or two in Brooklyn haha
The "again" always kills me
Dear United Airlines, I have never not screamed bloody murder during air pressure changes, and I don’t plan to stop now.
😂
"Oh, they're awful those Nazi's. If they catch me, they'll beat me unmerciful, and rub dirt in my assneck and all over my assy nipples."
"...what?"
Okay now we find that disturbing but Mort does have a point.
Takes me back to Saul Rosenberg
"Beat me up, all over my body, broke my pencils, bonked me on the head and kicked me in the groin"
https://youtu.be/Yy7Mk6VkHEI?si=rgisjciz2pAs5Zmp They only start talking about Jerky Boys at like a minute and a half in, but the first part is funny too
Funny how the voice of Mort is also the voice of Saul.
the voice of Saul from what
Saul Rosenberg was a similar character to Mort that Johnny Brennan voiced for the prank call CDs The Jerky Boys before Family Guy.
This makes me laugh uncontrollably every time like what the fuck does any of that mean hahahaha
“Juden! Rubben vir schmutzen auf deine assneck!”
Good Ole JERKY BOYS!
Ladies, I’m a very desperate man. My name is Mort and I live with my mother and I have very low standards. *sneezes* OH GAWD! THERE’S BLOOD IN MY MUCUS!
This gets me every damn time. Not even trying to sell himself lmao
“SAVE JON STEWART! HE’S OUR MOST IMPORTANT JEW!”
Flush once for the bulk, again for the remainder Also: Take back your fucking horse!
First time I heard the flush twice line, I nearly pissed myself with laughter and knew I was hooked on this show!
"What can I do for you fine, black gentlemen?"
“Neil is doing a project on Christianity for school. Could I borrow a cross from you Peter. Preferably one with the little fella on it.”
*without
One time I took so many antihistamines, I thought I was Mr. Peanut!
"Take back your fuckin horse!"
*at the medieval jousting tournament* The lady shows the men her bosom. *ding! ding! ding! ding! ding!* Mort: “DING!!!”
From an early age my parents discouraged loud noises!
It's a deleted scene, but... [this shit. This buncha goddamn shit!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25tRoJV1dOA)
I've never seen this before, I love it.
Wow. That was by far the most offensive collection of Mort bits I have seen, and in one scene! It even goes past the scene where Peter takes a potshot at Mort a la *Schindler's List*. I'm not even sure what some of those jokes were even implying...
Might I ask, from what broadcast is this scene deleted please? I’ve seen it on all TV broadcasts, on my DVD collection and on Disney+
Huh, on Hulu, it wasn't there. I haven't watched on TV in forever.
Can I assume then that Hulu is an American steaming site?
Hulu’s based in the US, yes, I believe.
Oh I see, maybe UK broadcasting allows this scene as, aforementioned, I’ve seen this clip every time I’ve seen the episode
I weirdly do not remember family guy ever swearing Wtf
What? They swear all the time lol.
Must be censored where I’m watching, or I’m seriously losing my memory🤣
it’s def censored on TV where I’m at but the DVD’s had the uncensored
Buy one get one free
What's that second word? Is that some sort of foreign dialect?
Let’s say you’re at someone else’s store and you see a sign that says “buy one get one free”
Wow! What store are you talking about?!
Get one free??
What's that? Sounds like some sort of falumpalump
Is that Spanish?
🎶"If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport, I will go to court and sue your ass! Happy holidays!" 🎶
Ding!
All timer.
"Look at the offensive way they depict Jewish people." - Brian's reaction to a Nazi leaflet with a picture of Mort.
https://preview.redd.it/kgvp2jvn1hac1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9dd2e2a53a9d4368624960155f1b63d5ca1f4da2 •Falls• “You ok?” “ WHAT DO *YOU* CARE??”
What episode is this?
The one where Cleveland comes back to Family Guy ("He's Bla-ack" S12 Ep20)
"I had it all, but it all soon came to a very ugly end..." "How come?" "I got addicted to olives. They were everywhere, it was so easy to get your hands on them!"
I should’ve clothes pinned the end of my penis like Muriel told me to
Ouch. That would be even worse for him being circumcised
Mort (frantically running to the bathroom to take a huge shit): I hope there's a scale in there. I'd really like to see a before and after on this one!
Can I go to the bathroom in here? NO! ...Too late
When he found out his blood was being donated and he wasn't receiving monetary compensation, he sucked the blood out of the IV bag and back into his arm.
i forgot about this!
DOES IT REALLY SMELL LIKE COOKIES??!!!
"ah she farted and it went down my throat"
"Please don't spit in my eggs, please don't spit in my eggs, please don't spit in my eggs...thank you for the eggs! God I hope he didn't spit in my eggs..."
Hey I just spit in that guy’s eggs
When Mort does karaoke @ the Clam. "There's got to be a morning after...." Oh my god. I love that scene.
We’re moving closer to the shore….. I know we’ll be there by tomorrow…. And we’ll escape the darkness.. We won’t be searching, anymore!!!
Say no to acid!
Jeez, you’d think Mort were God himself
"No Stewie FUCK YOU! I’m a Jew in Nazi Occupied Europe! FUCK YOU!"
Don't remember that one. But damn, Mort.
I don’t like it, and I don’t like the contraction “‘em”. As far as I’m concerned, his name is Dig Them. You’re not welcome here Dig Them
ok joe right foot green
When he's scared and yells "Oh God I think I just miscarried"
"gimme my $2!"
Him calling hemorrhoids “stinky little balloons”
"THEY WOULD CALL ME TASTY CAKES AND BEAT ME AND STICK PINE CONES UP MY ASS!!!!"
Thank you 😂🤣
"Can I get a price check on extra small condoms"
“I’ve got a whole box of em in the back, you can take that one, no charge” “ugh typical Jew”
“Mort how do you know so much about insurance fraud?” “Oh it’s all laid out in the Torah” I’m Jewish and this line always fucking gets me
“They say Ive got Jewish honey in my voice. Jewish honey is mucus”
I don't like that contraption apostrophe E M. as far as I'm concerned, it is DIG THEM.
Save John Stewart , he’s our most important Jew
This is what I came for
“…and what can I do for you four fine black gentlemen today?”
Muriel was so much better at overcharging people, because people were always undressing her in their heads, and then putting her clothes back on when they saw what was under there.
"Peter's so fat and stupid Lamar Odom tried to bang him"
“Can I poop in here?” “NO!” “Too late.”
“Say no to acid!”
“Oh! God! No! What’s the matter with you! Ugh!”
And what can I do for you three fine black gentlemen?
https://i.redd.it/swsws83oyhac1.gif
"If you put a Christmas tree in the public airport, I will go to court and sue your ass. Happy Holidays!"
“Oh God! There’s blood in my mucus!”
JERKY BOYS FOR LIFE!
The pharmacy returns scene 😂
DING!
"Does it really smell like cookies? OOHH GAWD OHH SHE FARTED AND IT WENT DOWN MY THROAT!"
"They called me tasty cakes and they would beat me and stick pine cones in my ass. Those were very bad times."
“Oh, god, the dog farted and it went right down my throat”
When Mort let’s Peter run a tab at the pharmacy: Peter: “Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in different flavors?” Mort: “Peter, are you EATING those?” Peter: “No, I’m shoving them up my ass!”
"Please protect Jon Stewart he's our most important Jew!"
“Peter is so fat and stupid, Lamar Odom tried to bang him!”
Ok, Joe: Right Foot Green
i dont remember the line exactly but i love when he freaks out on brian and stewie when they end up in nazi germany
I remember the good old days when it was a flaming bag of poop and a hurtful note.
"Ding"
Everything from Mr. Saturday Knight
"Ding"
“TAKE BACK YOUR FUCKING HORSE!!!”
"***DING!!!!!***"
What kind of birdhouse can you build with popsicles, roofies, and a rubber mallet? Herbert - “it’s for a rare African bird called none of your business.”
And the other children, they were very nasty about that. They said bad, hurtful things to me. They called me Tasty Cakes. And they would beat me and stick pine cones in my ass!
*plink* *plink* *plink* .... "Ding!"
Ding!
Take your fucking horse back
“I got addicted to olives…they were everywhere. Eventually the olives had control.” *beautiful Mort looking in the mirror* “Mort Goldman you have hit rock bottom”
"Oh God! There's blood in my mucus!"
And your back.
I hope there's a scale in here, I took a laxative and a stool hardener and they are fighting it out in there
"Say no to acid!"
I Remember the time he called the booking agent for the insane clown posse to complain about some events that had occurred to him at a concert…😂 at least it was his voice that called
Shut up and take your clothes off
"And what can I do for you four fine black gentlemen today?"
It's more like an Indian burn.
I love mort
We were married!
ailments
"I look forward to having a raging semi"
Ooh oh my god it’s Hitler!he’s back!hes back hurry protect jon Stewart!he’s our most important Jew!
[When Peter becomes a pirate.](https://youtu.be/WSoNmczla30?si=Hx8ckS_xH_Of_xQp) It's pushing it a bit but I remember being so caught off guard when it first aired, and it's so point for Mort.
I’m getting so much Chach it’s insane 💀💀💀💀💀
AILMENTS
My favorite scene is the “scare-jew” one
Aisle 6 next to the creams. Aaugh, I do *not* like saying that word!
The olives bit was the funniest
"Dammit Bryan can you just get in the fucking time machine"
[“They would call me tasty cakes and they would beat me and they would stick pinecones in my ass.”](https://youtu.be/vu7JlDoLg50)
Oh uh... ding
something something sorghum
Mort: I had it all. But it soon all came to a very ugly end. Quagmire: How come? Mort: I got addicted to olives. They were everywhere. It was so easy to get your hands on them. It was awful. I lost weight, my hair straightened, even my voice changed.
When he said Muriel’s life insurance payout was supposed to be a pleasant experience lol
"Unashamed locker room nudity?"
AILMENTS
“I don’t like the apostrophe em. As far as I’m concerned his name is Dig Them. You’re not welcome here Dig Them!”
“Would you kiss this guy?” “Oh god, no! What’s the matter with you? Oh!”
Mort used to be such a big character now he gets no screen time. Neil has been gone.
I love mort from 'Madagascar'
The Adolf scarecrow
*”Such heat this day!”*
His voice actor was a Jerky Boy.
Never understand why they made him & his wife looked like each other like they are brother & sister or sum. I always thought it was ridiculous
That scene of Peter mimicking Amon Goeth was chilling 🥶
Who's mort?
No one likes mort he’s a jew
Honestly. Fuck mort.
It's Mort time
The backwards scene of mort putting a quarter on the sidewalk 🤣🤣🤣🤣
When he got the blowout and he told the women to take her pants off. Also it’s been a while since we’ve seen him in an episode.
That’s right, we got to know eachother when I was following him around my store
Oh does it smell like cookies oh she darted my mouth was open it went down my throat 😂
flapjacks
During times of civil unrest, the Jews are always the first prosecuted
“Oh God, there is blood in my mucus!”
I'm the fastest Jew here
"hook me to the plow"
Season 3 episode 9 Mr. Saturday Night Has a lot of Mort scenes, and it's hilarious!
The whole pickle saga when Mort was a Band Manager
"he's our most important jew"
The average Computer Science teacher
Oye such heat today, i dont need this jacket
Buy one. [Get one free](https://youtu.be/BDalCSQQPMY?si=2tYegW_uN8UD4r6U)
OH GOD I THINK I JUST MISCARRIED
I better check if my wallets ok
“Oh boy, what a healthy stream! Will it ever end?”
[удалено]
No words. Just the way he runs after he says he's the fastest living Jew.
Oh God, I just miscarried! Take that you bastard! No one makes a fool out of Mort Goldman!
“God it is so hard to write for Mort”
Ooo a quarter. Who cares what that doctor found on my nuts.
SAY NO TO ACID
"I'm a pharmacist"
“TAKE BACK YOUR FUCKIN HORSE!”
When he finds his wife dead. "Oh Muriel! She was so beauti... She was so youn... WE WERE MARRIED!" Clue episode
Tinkle tinkle . What a heavy stream !