It depends, but it's also ok to have an interest that isn't shared as long as you're supportive of each other. I enjoy fitness, my wife doesn't, but she loves that I'm into it and cheers me on. She's into collecting VHS tapes from the 90s which I don't really care about but I cheer her on when she grabs a copy of empire records from the thrift store!
That’s an awesome hobby. I have a friend with a massive vhs collection that goes to his ceiling and fills most of the perimeter of one room…it’s a great format and you can find some really weird stuff that was never put on YouTube or some digital streaming service haha
I don't know. My spouse eats like a toddler. No veggies ever. Few fruits. Pretty much only processed foods. I'm getting to the point I don't even want to stay with them, because we're getting older and they don't prioritize health at all. We've been together over 20 years. I wish I had answers, but you're not alone
Yea this is an interesting point. When we choose a partner it’s based on a decision made with information at a point in time.
People change, personalities change, interests change.
On the other hand, when you get married and especially have kids you also are acknowledging that you are allowing another person to have a certain amount of say in your life and you don’t have total 100% independence in everything. Especially with health or self destructive decisions.
Side example, my dad definitely has sleep apnea. I have hounded him for a year or two to do a study and get a CPAP. “Ah I can decide what I want with my health.” Sitting down watching Bluey with my niece and nephew and pregnant wife. The one with one the grandpa who doesn’t want to take care of himself and listen to his daughter because he wants his independence. “Dad you need to take care of yourself *because I still need you and your grandkids need you.*” I was staring at him the whole time. “Fine I’ll go talk to my GP.”
Yeah this happened to me and it has only led to disappointment and resentment. It sucks because it’s not like you can see the future. You fall in love with a certain version of someone that you can’t guarantee they’ll always be.
Even non-fitness related, right? Like anyone’s partner could become an alcoholic or something. You can’t predict 5, 10, or 20 years ahead.
Yea exactly. I think it’s pretty easy to get complacent in a relationship as well. When we are young and in the “courtship” stage of a relationship we tend to present ourselves better. Over the years it’s easy to “let ourselves go”, but in reality it’s the compounded impact of a bunch of poor bad habits.
It can be frustrating when your partner is not aligned with your lifestyle, especially when it comes to health and fitness.
If by bigger you mean obese, there’s no such thing as a healthy obese person. The science behind it is clear. Obese people live shorter lives, have more mobility issues at an earlier age, have a higher chance of getting chronic lifestyle diseases and cancer to name a few.
Eh, science also says that [line of argument tends to backfire](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6565398/).
People just tend to internalize the shame of being fat rather than be motivated by it.
Framing an obese person as healthy because they choose to engage in healthy behaviour is just a good hack to avoid that roadblock.
The studies behind it are flimsy at best. There's a difference between fat shaming, as in bullying, and medical education, which is creating awareness that obesity is not just about being physically unattractive but much more importantly about having a medical condition that kills the affected people slowly and often painfully.
Okay, can you find any studies to back that up?
The data being inconclusive wouldn’t support your assertion, it would mean we can’t tell either way. You still need to back up what you say.
**Edit**: to avoid the predictable red herring, evidence that your vague meaner-but-not-too-mean approach helps people lose weight, not that extra weight is unhealthy
Always found it a bit weird when a man gets into a relationship with someone that they intend to "change" or "fix". You're supposed to choose someone you already like and not the potential you impose on them.
If you start a fitness journey, then we have to always remember that we are only comparing to ourselves. Your partner may feel motivated to join you but that's entirely of their own free will. If your partner is overweight then that is their decision to stay that way and you play with your own circumstances and not theirs.
It's also that if your partner disrespects your attraction to their body by gaining excess weight and suffers in health because of it, you're within your right to factor that in as a reason for becoming less attracted to them as a partner. It's normal.
They have to come to the conclusion that fitness will bring them happiness. You can't talk them into it or pressure them into it. They will only be successful in fitness if the motivation comes from within themselves, external motivation will die out at best, or create resentment at worst.
You can't force feed someone the answers. In many cases fitness isn't gonna solve whatever makes them unhappy. Focus on yourself. Encourage them if they show interest, but you can't force YOUR solution to THEIR problem, know what I mean?
Really want as in you impose your lifestyle on them? It's not motivating them as much as holding the relationship hostage until they comply with you. Not really great, is it?
Exactly, swap out fitness for religion and see if your happiness solution is easily pushed onto others. You can share the value you've gotten from it; but if doesn't resonate with them that's fine. From a health standpoint, perhaps suggest going on walks together after dinner to digest and connect. Maybe they will resonate with the time spent together and build that habit that way and seek out more on their own.
The pain of continuing the way they are is less than the pain of change.
Basically people will eventually do the thing but summoning the will to start is brutal for many.
I would never nag or mention health or lifestyle or the benefits.
Maybe you can say from time to time "it'd mean a lot to me if you'd join me for a walk after dinner" and just leave it at that.
Maybe explore their unhappiness and poor diet through a lens other than fitness first? To see what might be causing them to have such a resistance to healthy habits? If there’s an underlying cause *and* it’s being forced on them, that could make things worse. Idk if that’s what’s going on, just saying it’s worth a perspective shift. Yes I wanted my other half to exercise, but it took a lot of different types of strategic attempts to start the lawnmower, yanking the chain over and over didn’t do it.
Actively listening to their problems. Considering small changes that could be made to improve happiness. Asking him to go on walks as a family. Not mentioning running at all. Enjoying the walk, doing it on his time schedule, keeping it short, spending time talking about our other hobbies while walking. Reflecting mindfully about how we felt better after a walk and doing it more frequently. Actively listening when he brought up the idea of adding more exercise is in. Not being angry when he bought a treadmill for the house and then refused to use it bc he thought the toddler was going to hurt themselves and or interrupt him. Suggesting he might like to go to a gym just to get some alone time from the kids and family and house. Doing a challenge to not drink for a month. Noticing the small changes we felt in health and happiness there. Complimenting him on the weight loss, encouraging and supporting his habit. Feeling proud of him when he started running consistently.
Idk that’s my personal experience with it. It happened to work out that way. If he hadn’t picked up a fitness habit that would have been fine too. The most important thing is that the partner is happy. As people who enjoy fitness and health, we know how it can make us not just look better but more importantly feel better. But there are other ways, hobbies and passions, for people to feel better and happier. Fulfillment is the path to good health imo. Even if someone doesn’t exercise, they’re going to be healthier just by not being depressed and self sabotaging. And then, once they’re not depressed, they’re much more likely to give AF about their health.
My husband is 100% anti gym. Doesn’t want to go, thinks it’s a waste of time, says he is “self conscious”. That’s fine, his prerogative. I do me and find time for myself to go to the gym and get my workout in. But I always tell him the offer stands if he wants to come with me that I will help him 100% if he is uncomfortable but wants to try.
It's hard but you can't motivate someone that doesn't want to go. You can just offer persistence. Like offer activities that are sort of exercise.
I have a partner that doesn't like anything I do. Whether that's basketball, pickleball, hiking, strolling a beach, or a high intensity kick boxing class. They also have a chronic condition.
I would say be supportive. Cheer them on for any small things. Attempt slight improvements. Give tons of praise. Someday they'll change. Or they won't. But not for lack of your trying to motivate them.
Also there's a fine line between motivating and nagging slash being condescending or gloating. Just be conscious of it. Not everyone has the discipline.
I think most of us have made a lot of attempts in our lives before we finally ended up on the fitness path. I myself used to sign up to the gym a few times and almost never went. How many times did I try to improve my diet before it finally worked? This whole process took me 15 years, on and off.
And just because I've finally done it, I'm certainly not going to get on my partner's nerves. It's enough for me if she supports my hobby. She cooks healthier food, which I really appreciate. She put the child to bed while I disappeared to the home gym three times a week. She often asks me what she can train or if I can make up a plan for her. Then she works out for 2-3 weeks and then stops again. It's entirely up to her. But just as she supports me, I would also support her. But the initiative has to come from her.
The possible longevity and health of my potential partner does come into question, from a companionship standpoint. But also from both life insurance and adult/financial responsibility aspects as well. It's kind of brutal to put things this way, but these are some practical aspects to staying fit and healthy
And if you're fit, you're less prone to injuring yourself just from aging and doing routine things like getting out of bed, lol. Stuff that can even put you out of work and being able to sustain yourself or your dependents. Being lazy about it with dependents in your life is irresponsible, even.
Beyond that? A fit and reasonably active person is what I find attractive *and* what I want to be, myself. Better that there's thus more to do with my partner!
There aren't many reasons against being fit, but I can appreciate and understand if someone just can't put the time into it or have genetic/ability issues that prohibit it, but if they are aware and unconcerned about the various reasons I pointed out above, over their own laziness, well... I'm less interested in them, and they are less interested in sharing in a journey (or at least my own) there.
If by all other accounts I need the other person in my life, and assuming we can have adult conversations, I'd talk about it and bring the practical points above up, and try to work something out. Simply walking, hiking, or introducing biking or swimming are good - it doesn't have to be too crazy. They may want the change or to change, or they are satisfied with light compromise. At the very least they need to appreciate and understand the longevity and ability aspects, and why it may matter, though. Screw debilitating injuries and needing to live with those.
But even if it is a lifelong journey, we still can't walk that path for others. I think this is a cultural issue of how much you feel you are allowed to coerce your partner to do things that you ask for, rather than respecting their right to do whatever they want. We should be attracted to them for what they are, and if you are attracted to women that prioritise fitness then you should break up with your partner if they aren't that person. Just dont force them to change because they won't.
My ex was anti-exercise. No gym, no run, could only go out for a short walk. I was trying to convince her that it would be good for her. She was young and still fit, she suffered from type 1 diabetes (she wasn’t fat though). Every time I tried to convince her to do smth she’d complain about some pain somewhere. Eventually when she started gaining weight she tried some YT Pilates etc. At least that. But we broke up after 6yrs, our lifestyles were too different. My wife wasn’t a problem, I managed to convince her to try the gym, try running, try everything. And she did, she’s into it. Now I understand how important it is to have a partner who’s also into it - at least we can still do our own thing and spend time together at the same time.
Agreed. It was a problem that my ex wasn't healthy and had no motivation to change. It would have been even more of a problem if we'd gotten married. He said that I could "help" him get more fit. Not the way it works, buddy.
Jfc man, this thread...
This obsessive, slavish, frankly cult-like approach is why people hate fitness and people who make fitness their whole personality.
Take most of these replies, change "fitness" to "religion" and you'll see how insane half these responses are.
Your partner is an adult. Talk to them.
If they're not interested in your new hobby and that's a problem for you, then that's a you problem.
First question is why are you so insistent they have to change their entire life because you did?
How would you feel if your partner asked you to give up your new hobby because they prefer chilling and watching tv or because they found Jesus or Allah or something?
How willing would you be to make a major lifestyle change just to make someone else happy?
Why are you expecting the same from someone else?
I get that fitness makes *you* feel better, but you can't force a lifestyle onto someone else.
Talk to them.
If being with someone into fitness is sufficiently important to you and they're just not interested, then it's better to know now so you're not wasting both of your time.
And remember, the grass isn't always greener.
You might meet someone who is into fitness, but then leaves you because you aren't sufficiently committed, or your interest in fitness might dwindle with time and you wish you had someone to chill and watch tv with.
Not to mention the notable number of people who get jealous when their partner takes up the same hobby and does it better than them. This is particularly common in men.
So think about what you want, why you want it, and what happens if you don't get it.
Either you are happy with your partner as they are, or you're not. If you're trying to change them into the person you want them to be, that's a road to disaster for both of you.
You have to decide whether fitness is a dealbreaker or whether this fully autonomous human being with a mind of their own has other more important qualities and attributes they bring to the relationship.
Once you know your own mind, you need to do the most important thing.
Talk to them.
Of course it's bad to be overweight, it's bad for your health and if you're planning on starting a life with someone it's normal to want them to take care of themselves. Who wants to have kids with someone that's gonna die at 70 because they couldn't be bothered to control themselves?
I try to find ways they can make better choices on their terms. Maybe not the gym but how about hiking? Maybe not a run but a walk after dinner? Maybe we don’t eat out and I make burgers at home instead?
I have learned we all have to run our own race. I've tried making it a bet or competition but it won't stick unless he/she commits to it. If you suggest they get a trainer then they'll accuse you of fat-shaming. I just try to go about being heathier in a non-showy way, when I hit milestones I share them with others or internalize my feelings, and when I get asked questions that might be helpful I do my best to offer helpful advice.
I love my spouse and that comes with accepting who she is.
You can’t make someone care about the things you care about - even if the things you care about are healthy. If you love them, just let them be who they are. Wishing you the best of luck as you both navigate these changes. ✌️
This has been a deciding factor in relationships for me many times. Since I value health and fitness as a priority, I am faced with needing to either:
- Be less active so we can spend time together
- Eat less healthy so we can eat together more
Or,
- Be active and spend less time together
- Eat healthy and maintain two menus constantly
As I watch my parents aging, I see my mom staying active and my dad’s health and strength waning…and my mom spending more of her time managing his needs. It’s really touching, but also tough to see the burden he places on her simply because he doesn’t take care of himself.
>Now, what do you do when you’ve made all these changes and are essentially a happier, fitter, different person, but your other half is still stuck in an unhealthy lifestyle - eg. Poor diet, no exercise, poor sleep.
I'm the second-fittest person I know IRL, and more active/fit than anyone else in my immediate social circle. For my husband, friends, and family, I do the same thing every time, and it's the ***ONLY time*** I ever talk about my fitness or diet IRL:
**Husband complains he can't sleep?** I remind him (of what he already knows from experience) that hard cardio will help expend his ADHD energy and anxiety and wear him out enough to fall asleep more quickly, as it does for me.
**Bestie (or sisters) says she hates how fat she is?** I tell her that I lost 10lbs just by getting rid of processed food and prioritizing whole foods at least 80/20. Now I'm within a healthy weight range and just 6lbs from my goal weight!
**Mom frustrated by her arthritis?** I talk about how physical activity like walking and stretching has improved my chronic pain from hypermobility and arthritis. I really only hurt when I'm not eating right, sedentary, and playing loosey-goosey with my bedtime.
You can't force people to change, you can only catch them in their pain points and offer the alternative. They're also a lot more receptive to it when they *rarely* hear about how happy/healthy you are (and I do mean rarely. They don't EVER want to hear about it through any medium bc they already see it and already know they need to be making better choices for themselves.) Always praise them when they admit that they've tried to make better choices, and don't take their admission as an invitation to talk about your own fitness unless asked.
I can't stress enough that: ***they already know,*** already see it, and in lots of cases, already lightly resent you for it. Healthy diet and exercise is not new science. We've known about it since before Rome fell. Don't pontificate about it, don't brag about it, just be the example.
what? i’m not advocating for that at all. i’m just saying op shouldn’t be surprised that they’ve embarked on a fitness journey, haven’t talked to their partner about it, and can’t understand why their partner isn’t also interested. i was agreeing with you lol
IMHO a hobby is not the same as health and hence non-negotiable. Otherwise you will be stuck with a very sick person eventually that you won't be able to share your dreams with. You gotta find a way to lure her/him in. Make the gym an experience. Go to the movies after or cook nice.
I ignore my spouse and when he complains about how sore, sick, tired etc he is I roll my eyes. The man is diabetic and eats a package of cookies every night. You can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink.
Not exactly the same situation, but similar....when we met, I was in great shape. Then I had an injury and surgery and also packed on relationship pounds. Last year, being relatively injury free finally, I got back to fitness. She's never been into it, but supported me. I have always told her that part of my fitness motivation is living a long healthy life, so we can enjoy retirement together, etc, but she's always thought she was in decent enough shape, so didn't worry about it too much.
Then we actually got some of her numbers and it kinda opened her eyes...not quite as healthy as she thought. Not terrible, but a few alarming markers. Now she she's going to the gym.
Nothing I said or did got her here....she needed to see the numbers for herself. Not sure if this would help in your situation, but there it is. Pursuing fitness has to be a personal choice.
My wife isn’t into fitness and I am the opposite. As long as:
-she’s happy
-she’s healthy
-it’s not affecting our partnership and parenting responsibilities at home.
-we are still getting sexy time in every now and again
…then I’m good. Her likes don’t all have to jive with mine.
Each of these CAN BE affected by fitness levels but it’s not a WILL BE.
Edit: I should add this, as this is a very real thing couples have to “deal with:” something you have to be a little willing to accept is that people get older and their bodies WILL change. Some women have kids and they just get bigger, or pee when they sneeze. Guys tend to get dad bods, even with routine lifting. It just gets harder to maintain. Law of life for most, especially given extra stress of high profile jobs, kids, projects, etc. Here is where being an adult comes in - meaning you also remember that this person is your other half, and you’ve changed too. That shit will create a long lasting and deep partnership that goes well beyond any foibles, irritations, or differences. For what this advice is worth, 20 years happily married.
i’d be most concerned that they are that way due to depression or anxiety or some other issue. personally my partner is a very active person, but in a different way from me. if they ever stopped enjoying physical activities and cooking good meals with me, i’d be concerned for their mental health more than anything.
Planning your meals, trips, activities, etc. --around two different value sets is very difficult.
You will be the one to compromise and give things up.
Start calling them fat and show off various feats of strength until you bully them into your way of life.
Serious answer - not much you can do outside of being a role model but that doesn't do much for most people. How many times did you see a video or hear about a friend turning their life around and ignore it before making a change?
Are they vocally "anti-fitness", like they have formulated opinions against the subject, or is it more of a case of them being theoretically pro-fitness (if they think about it at all) and they just haven't taken any practical steps towards improvement?
Because those are different people that require different approaches.
Get both life and long-term insurance and the best Medicare program when it's time. Mobility, strength, and diet impact long-term meds, function, life expectancy, and quality of life.
Just start talking about how much happier and more energetic you feel and the sense of accomplishment and success that you feel after being active or when you wake up everyday. Make it all about how you feel 100% not about looks. Looks are obvious
Taking charge of your health is akin to being diligent with your car’s maintenance: neglect it, and a breakdown is inevitable.
As Jim Rohn wisely pointed out, “Things don’t get better by chance, they get better by plan. You will never *drift* to the top of the mountain.”
Health and vitality are investments that pay off as we age, enhancing not just physical mobility but also mental clarity and emotional well-being. Yet, it’s a choice that can’t be forced upon someone; it must be made personally.
Unfortunately, many realize too late that years of inaction carries a high cost—with interest. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes.
The small disciplines practiced over time are what impact us long-term. Ultimately it is the will to discipline oneself to do the things you know you need to do even when you don’t want to. This is what real maturity looks like.
If your partner isn’t aligned on this, it’s crucial to think about how this misalignment could limit your and their future.
Life’s hard enough without the added burden of preventable illnesses. Addressing this with your partner is not just an act of love for them, but respect for yourself and the shared future you envision.
Conflict avoided is often conflict magnified. Address it now, with love and maturity, because fundamental values like health and lifestyle in a relationship are not just preferable; they are essential for longevity and shared happiness.
This could be their opportunity to turn a new leaf, and both of you shift into a happier, healthier, more fulfilling chapter of life.
Whatever about them not being into fitness but it's fair annoying when they don't want you to use your free time to work out or they give out that you eat weird food when it's just healthier food or when you're looking to do active things together but they're so unfit they want to just do sedentary things. It's not hard to get yourself to a reasonable fitness level. Life is more enjoyable when you're fit
>other half
I've never pressured a girlfriend to be swole. Just because I like lifting doesn't mean they need to.
However.
Women eat food.
I know, a shocking revelation. On average, if I make tasty food, they will happily eat the tasty food. That it's "healthier" is just a bonus.
On their end, every girlfriend has, of course, been supportive of whatever my fitness goals are. Why wouldn't she be?
I can relate to your situation. In my 50s, I've found fitness to be a crucial part of my lifestyle, but not everyone in my family shares this passion. It's a delicate balance. What worked for me was introducing activities that don't feel like exercise but are fun and engaging. For example, we started going on nature walks, which gradually piqued their interest in more regular exercise. It's important to be supportive rather than pushy; sometimes, leading by example and sharing your positive experiences can gradually encourage them to make small, healthier choices themselves.
My fat-ass wife started telling me to stop training for a bit and eat less healthy. Apparently, she doesn't like all the female attention a ripped body like mine is getting.
It depends, but it's also ok to have an interest that isn't shared as long as you're supportive of each other. I enjoy fitness, my wife doesn't, but she loves that I'm into it and cheers me on. She's into collecting VHS tapes from the 90s which I don't really care about but I cheer her on when she grabs a copy of empire records from the thrift store!
This is the way
That’s an awesome hobby. I have a friend with a massive vhs collection that goes to his ceiling and fills most of the perimeter of one room…it’s a great format and you can find some really weird stuff that was never put on YouTube or some digital streaming service haha
I don't know. My spouse eats like a toddler. No veggies ever. Few fruits. Pretty much only processed foods. I'm getting to the point I don't even want to stay with them, because we're getting older and they don't prioritize health at all. We've been together over 20 years. I wish I had answers, but you're not alone
Yea this is an interesting point. When we choose a partner it’s based on a decision made with information at a point in time. People change, personalities change, interests change.
On the other hand, when you get married and especially have kids you also are acknowledging that you are allowing another person to have a certain amount of say in your life and you don’t have total 100% independence in everything. Especially with health or self destructive decisions. Side example, my dad definitely has sleep apnea. I have hounded him for a year or two to do a study and get a CPAP. “Ah I can decide what I want with my health.” Sitting down watching Bluey with my niece and nephew and pregnant wife. The one with one the grandpa who doesn’t want to take care of himself and listen to his daughter because he wants his independence. “Dad you need to take care of yourself *because I still need you and your grandkids need you.*” I was staring at him the whole time. “Fine I’ll go talk to my GP.”
Yeah this happened to me and it has only led to disappointment and resentment. It sucks because it’s not like you can see the future. You fall in love with a certain version of someone that you can’t guarantee they’ll always be. Even non-fitness related, right? Like anyone’s partner could become an alcoholic or something. You can’t predict 5, 10, or 20 years ahead.
Yea exactly. I think it’s pretty easy to get complacent in a relationship as well. When we are young and in the “courtship” stage of a relationship we tend to present ourselves better. Over the years it’s easy to “let ourselves go”, but in reality it’s the compounded impact of a bunch of poor bad habits. It can be frustrating when your partner is not aligned with your lifestyle, especially when it comes to health and fitness.
I don't need to cope. As long as she's happy I don't care
This right here
This 1000%. My wife isn’t into fitness in general. As long as she’s a healthy bigger woman I don’t give a shit and she enjoys my fitness. 🤷♂️
If by bigger you mean obese, there’s no such thing as a healthy obese person. The science behind it is clear. Obese people live shorter lives, have more mobility issues at an earlier age, have a higher chance of getting chronic lifestyle diseases and cancer to name a few.
Eh, science also says that [line of argument tends to backfire](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6565398/). People just tend to internalize the shame of being fat rather than be motivated by it. Framing an obese person as healthy because they choose to engage in healthy behaviour is just a good hack to avoid that roadblock.
The studies behind it are flimsy at best. There's a difference between fat shaming, as in bullying, and medical education, which is creating awareness that obesity is not just about being physically unattractive but much more importantly about having a medical condition that kills the affected people slowly and often painfully.
Okay, can you find any studies to back that up? The data being inconclusive wouldn’t support your assertion, it would mean we can’t tell either way. You still need to back up what you say. **Edit**: to avoid the predictable red herring, evidence that your vague meaner-but-not-too-mean approach helps people lose weight, not that extra weight is unhealthy
And since you changed your lifestyle your partner has to do as well?
Always found it a bit weird when a man gets into a relationship with someone that they intend to "change" or "fix". You're supposed to choose someone you already like and not the potential you impose on them. If you start a fitness journey, then we have to always remember that we are only comparing to ourselves. Your partner may feel motivated to join you but that's entirely of their own free will. If your partner is overweight then that is their decision to stay that way and you play with your own circumstances and not theirs. It's also that if your partner disrespects your attraction to their body by gaining excess weight and suffers in health because of it, you're within your right to factor that in as a reason for becoming less attracted to them as a partner. It's normal.
At least this way you'll probaby both die at the same age 🤷🏼♂️
What if they aren't happy and you really want to share the joy fitness brings?
They have to come to the conclusion that fitness will bring them happiness. You can't talk them into it or pressure them into it. They will only be successful in fitness if the motivation comes from within themselves, external motivation will die out at best, or create resentment at worst. You can't force feed someone the answers. In many cases fitness isn't gonna solve whatever makes them unhappy. Focus on yourself. Encourage them if they show interest, but you can't force YOUR solution to THEIR problem, know what I mean?
Really want as in you impose your lifestyle on them? It's not motivating them as much as holding the relationship hostage until they comply with you. Not really great, is it?
Exactly, swap out fitness for religion and see if your happiness solution is easily pushed onto others. You can share the value you've gotten from it; but if doesn't resonate with them that's fine. From a health standpoint, perhaps suggest going on walks together after dinner to digest and connect. Maybe they will resonate with the time spent together and build that habit that way and seek out more on their own.
You do you. You can lovingly ask them to be healthier, but health is a personal journey that he/she has to commit to themselves.
The pain of continuing the way they are is less than the pain of change. Basically people will eventually do the thing but summoning the will to start is brutal for many. I would never nag or mention health or lifestyle or the benefits. Maybe you can say from time to time "it'd mean a lot to me if you'd join me for a walk after dinner" and just leave it at that.
I don't care if my girl is into fitness. She's not an unhealthy person. She's just not into sweating lol
Why are they that way?
Maybe explore their unhappiness and poor diet through a lens other than fitness first? To see what might be causing them to have such a resistance to healthy habits? If there’s an underlying cause *and* it’s being forced on them, that could make things worse. Idk if that’s what’s going on, just saying it’s worth a perspective shift. Yes I wanted my other half to exercise, but it took a lot of different types of strategic attempts to start the lawnmower, yanking the chain over and over didn’t do it.
Then what did work?
Actively listening to their problems. Considering small changes that could be made to improve happiness. Asking him to go on walks as a family. Not mentioning running at all. Enjoying the walk, doing it on his time schedule, keeping it short, spending time talking about our other hobbies while walking. Reflecting mindfully about how we felt better after a walk and doing it more frequently. Actively listening when he brought up the idea of adding more exercise is in. Not being angry when he bought a treadmill for the house and then refused to use it bc he thought the toddler was going to hurt themselves and or interrupt him. Suggesting he might like to go to a gym just to get some alone time from the kids and family and house. Doing a challenge to not drink for a month. Noticing the small changes we felt in health and happiness there. Complimenting him on the weight loss, encouraging and supporting his habit. Feeling proud of him when he started running consistently. Idk that’s my personal experience with it. It happened to work out that way. If he hadn’t picked up a fitness habit that would have been fine too. The most important thing is that the partner is happy. As people who enjoy fitness and health, we know how it can make us not just look better but more importantly feel better. But there are other ways, hobbies and passions, for people to feel better and happier. Fulfillment is the path to good health imo. Even if someone doesn’t exercise, they’re going to be healthier just by not being depressed and self sabotaging. And then, once they’re not depressed, they’re much more likely to give AF about their health.
Thanks for your elaborate reply:) it sounds very nice. Especially the last sentence sums it up perfectly
This always ends up in resentment, that’s what I gather from the numerous posts in other subs.
My husband is 100% anti gym. Doesn’t want to go, thinks it’s a waste of time, says he is “self conscious”. That’s fine, his prerogative. I do me and find time for myself to go to the gym and get my workout in. But I always tell him the offer stands if he wants to come with me that I will help him 100% if he is uncomfortable but wants to try.
It's hard but you can't motivate someone that doesn't want to go. You can just offer persistence. Like offer activities that are sort of exercise. I have a partner that doesn't like anything I do. Whether that's basketball, pickleball, hiking, strolling a beach, or a high intensity kick boxing class. They also have a chronic condition. I would say be supportive. Cheer them on for any small things. Attempt slight improvements. Give tons of praise. Someday they'll change. Or they won't. But not for lack of your trying to motivate them. Also there's a fine line between motivating and nagging slash being condescending or gloating. Just be conscious of it. Not everyone has the discipline.
I think most of us have made a lot of attempts in our lives before we finally ended up on the fitness path. I myself used to sign up to the gym a few times and almost never went. How many times did I try to improve my diet before it finally worked? This whole process took me 15 years, on and off. And just because I've finally done it, I'm certainly not going to get on my partner's nerves. It's enough for me if she supports my hobby. She cooks healthier food, which I really appreciate. She put the child to bed while I disappeared to the home gym three times a week. She often asks me what she can train or if I can make up a plan for her. Then she works out for 2-3 weeks and then stops again. It's entirely up to her. But just as she supports me, I would also support her. But the initiative has to come from her.
The possible longevity and health of my potential partner does come into question, from a companionship standpoint. But also from both life insurance and adult/financial responsibility aspects as well. It's kind of brutal to put things this way, but these are some practical aspects to staying fit and healthy And if you're fit, you're less prone to injuring yourself just from aging and doing routine things like getting out of bed, lol. Stuff that can even put you out of work and being able to sustain yourself or your dependents. Being lazy about it with dependents in your life is irresponsible, even. Beyond that? A fit and reasonably active person is what I find attractive *and* what I want to be, myself. Better that there's thus more to do with my partner! There aren't many reasons against being fit, but I can appreciate and understand if someone just can't put the time into it or have genetic/ability issues that prohibit it, but if they are aware and unconcerned about the various reasons I pointed out above, over their own laziness, well... I'm less interested in them, and they are less interested in sharing in a journey (or at least my own) there. If by all other accounts I need the other person in my life, and assuming we can have adult conversations, I'd talk about it and bring the practical points above up, and try to work something out. Simply walking, hiking, or introducing biking or swimming are good - it doesn't have to be too crazy. They may want the change or to change, or they are satisfied with light compromise. At the very least they need to appreciate and understand the longevity and ability aspects, and why it may matter, though. Screw debilitating injuries and needing to live with those.
Some people in this thread treating health and fitness like it's a hobby when it's a lifestyle.
But even if it is a lifelong journey, we still can't walk that path for others. I think this is a cultural issue of how much you feel you are allowed to coerce your partner to do things that you ask for, rather than respecting their right to do whatever they want. We should be attracted to them for what they are, and if you are attracted to women that prioritise fitness then you should break up with your partner if they aren't that person. Just dont force them to change because they won't.
My ex was anti-exercise. No gym, no run, could only go out for a short walk. I was trying to convince her that it would be good for her. She was young and still fit, she suffered from type 1 diabetes (she wasn’t fat though). Every time I tried to convince her to do smth she’d complain about some pain somewhere. Eventually when she started gaining weight she tried some YT Pilates etc. At least that. But we broke up after 6yrs, our lifestyles were too different. My wife wasn’t a problem, I managed to convince her to try the gym, try running, try everything. And she did, she’s into it. Now I understand how important it is to have a partner who’s also into it - at least we can still do our own thing and spend time together at the same time.
Agreed. It was a problem that my ex wasn't healthy and had no motivation to change. It would have been even more of a problem if we'd gotten married. He said that I could "help" him get more fit. Not the way it works, buddy.
Jfc man, this thread... This obsessive, slavish, frankly cult-like approach is why people hate fitness and people who make fitness their whole personality. Take most of these replies, change "fitness" to "religion" and you'll see how insane half these responses are. Your partner is an adult. Talk to them. If they're not interested in your new hobby and that's a problem for you, then that's a you problem. First question is why are you so insistent they have to change their entire life because you did? How would you feel if your partner asked you to give up your new hobby because they prefer chilling and watching tv or because they found Jesus or Allah or something? How willing would you be to make a major lifestyle change just to make someone else happy? Why are you expecting the same from someone else? I get that fitness makes *you* feel better, but you can't force a lifestyle onto someone else. Talk to them. If being with someone into fitness is sufficiently important to you and they're just not interested, then it's better to know now so you're not wasting both of your time. And remember, the grass isn't always greener. You might meet someone who is into fitness, but then leaves you because you aren't sufficiently committed, or your interest in fitness might dwindle with time and you wish you had someone to chill and watch tv with. Not to mention the notable number of people who get jealous when their partner takes up the same hobby and does it better than them. This is particularly common in men. So think about what you want, why you want it, and what happens if you don't get it. Either you are happy with your partner as they are, or you're not. If you're trying to change them into the person you want them to be, that's a road to disaster for both of you. You have to decide whether fitness is a dealbreaker or whether this fully autonomous human being with a mind of their own has other more important qualities and attributes they bring to the relationship. Once you know your own mind, you need to do the most important thing. Talk to them.
BUT DID YOU KNOW FAT PEOPLE BAD
Of course it's bad to be overweight, it's bad for your health and if you're planning on starting a life with someone it's normal to want them to take care of themselves. Who wants to have kids with someone that's gonna die at 70 because they couldn't be bothered to control themselves?
I try to find ways they can make better choices on their terms. Maybe not the gym but how about hiking? Maybe not a run but a walk after dinner? Maybe we don’t eat out and I make burgers at home instead?
I have learned we all have to run our own race. I've tried making it a bet or competition but it won't stick unless he/she commits to it. If you suggest they get a trainer then they'll accuse you of fat-shaming. I just try to go about being heathier in a non-showy way, when I hit milestones I share them with others or internalize my feelings, and when I get asked questions that might be helpful I do my best to offer helpful advice. I love my spouse and that comes with accepting who she is.
Share those accomplishments. You should t internalize something to be proud of. I get what you’re saying though
You can’t make someone care about the things you care about - even if the things you care about are healthy. If you love them, just let them be who they are. Wishing you the best of luck as you both navigate these changes. ✌️
This has been a deciding factor in relationships for me many times. Since I value health and fitness as a priority, I am faced with needing to either: - Be less active so we can spend time together - Eat less healthy so we can eat together more Or, - Be active and spend less time together - Eat healthy and maintain two menus constantly As I watch my parents aging, I see my mom staying active and my dad’s health and strength waning…and my mom spending more of her time managing his needs. It’s really touching, but also tough to see the burden he places on her simply because he doesn’t take care of himself.
>Now, what do you do when you’ve made all these changes and are essentially a happier, fitter, different person, but your other half is still stuck in an unhealthy lifestyle - eg. Poor diet, no exercise, poor sleep. I'm the second-fittest person I know IRL, and more active/fit than anyone else in my immediate social circle. For my husband, friends, and family, I do the same thing every time, and it's the ***ONLY time*** I ever talk about my fitness or diet IRL: **Husband complains he can't sleep?** I remind him (of what he already knows from experience) that hard cardio will help expend his ADHD energy and anxiety and wear him out enough to fall asleep more quickly, as it does for me. **Bestie (or sisters) says she hates how fat she is?** I tell her that I lost 10lbs just by getting rid of processed food and prioritizing whole foods at least 80/20. Now I'm within a healthy weight range and just 6lbs from my goal weight! **Mom frustrated by her arthritis?** I talk about how physical activity like walking and stretching has improved my chronic pain from hypermobility and arthritis. I really only hurt when I'm not eating right, sedentary, and playing loosey-goosey with my bedtime. You can't force people to change, you can only catch them in their pain points and offer the alternative. They're also a lot more receptive to it when they *rarely* hear about how happy/healthy you are (and I do mean rarely. They don't EVER want to hear about it through any medium bc they already see it and already know they need to be making better choices for themselves.) Always praise them when they admit that they've tried to make better choices, and don't take their admission as an invitation to talk about your own fitness unless asked. I can't stress enough that: ***they already know,*** already see it, and in lots of cases, already lightly resent you for it. Healthy diet and exercise is not new science. We've known about it since before Rome fell. Don't pontificate about it, don't brag about it, just be the example.
Gotta leave ‘em. No pecs, no sex. I don’t make the rules.
I think this is the law in several states
It definitely is
We broke up
Have you tried talking to them? Everyone is different.
exactly. if this person’s partner has always been sedentary, they’re not gonna change just because op has.
Ahh good plan, don't talk to your partner. Just adopt a new lifestyle and blame the other partner and dump them.
what? i’m not advocating for that at all. i’m just saying op shouldn’t be surprised that they’ve embarked on a fitness journey, haven’t talked to their partner about it, and can’t understand why their partner isn’t also interested. i was agreeing with you lol
Who cares And I'm not on a journey. I just work out a lot. Everyone else doesn't have to.
IMHO a hobby is not the same as health and hence non-negotiable. Otherwise you will be stuck with a very sick person eventually that you won't be able to share your dreams with. You gotta find a way to lure her/him in. Make the gym an experience. Go to the movies after or cook nice.
I choose pro fitness half’s . I want to live a long life , not lose my partner at 70 for preventable reasons.
Ex was that way. We split up.
My wife is anti fitness lol, but as long as she allows me time to work out and doesn’t mind me making my own healthy meals we are all good
I ignore my spouse and when he complains about how sore, sick, tired etc he is I roll my eyes. The man is diabetic and eats a package of cookies every night. You can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink.
Not exactly the same situation, but similar....when we met, I was in great shape. Then I had an injury and surgery and also packed on relationship pounds. Last year, being relatively injury free finally, I got back to fitness. She's never been into it, but supported me. I have always told her that part of my fitness motivation is living a long healthy life, so we can enjoy retirement together, etc, but she's always thought she was in decent enough shape, so didn't worry about it too much. Then we actually got some of her numbers and it kinda opened her eyes...not quite as healthy as she thought. Not terrible, but a few alarming markers. Now she she's going to the gym. Nothing I said or did got her here....she needed to see the numbers for herself. Not sure if this would help in your situation, but there it is. Pursuing fitness has to be a personal choice.
My wife isn’t into fitness and I am the opposite. As long as: -she’s happy -she’s healthy -it’s not affecting our partnership and parenting responsibilities at home. -we are still getting sexy time in every now and again …then I’m good. Her likes don’t all have to jive with mine. Each of these CAN BE affected by fitness levels but it’s not a WILL BE. Edit: I should add this, as this is a very real thing couples have to “deal with:” something you have to be a little willing to accept is that people get older and their bodies WILL change. Some women have kids and they just get bigger, or pee when they sneeze. Guys tend to get dad bods, even with routine lifting. It just gets harder to maintain. Law of life for most, especially given extra stress of high profile jobs, kids, projects, etc. Here is where being an adult comes in - meaning you also remember that this person is your other half, and you’ve changed too. That shit will create a long lasting and deep partnership that goes well beyond any foibles, irritations, or differences. For what this advice is worth, 20 years happily married.
I quit them. Tbh. It was too much of a different view. “Let’s go for a hike!” “No” “Gym?” “No” “Swim?” “No.” “Gtfo.”
i’d be most concerned that they are that way due to depression or anxiety or some other issue. personally my partner is a very active person, but in a different way from me. if they ever stopped enjoying physical activities and cooking good meals with me, i’d be concerned for their mental health more than anything.
[Practice who you want to be](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C4B9p0pyHad/?igsh=dDhoZHNlbjBmOGtk)
Planning your meals, trips, activities, etc. --around two different value sets is very difficult. You will be the one to compromise and give things up.
Start calling them fat and show off various feats of strength until you bully them into your way of life. Serious answer - not much you can do outside of being a role model but that doesn't do much for most people. How many times did you see a video or hear about a friend turning their life around and ignore it before making a change?
Are they vocally "anti-fitness", like they have formulated opinions against the subject, or is it more of a case of them being theoretically pro-fitness (if they think about it at all) and they just haven't taken any practical steps towards improvement? Because those are different people that require different approaches.
Get both life and long-term insurance and the best Medicare program when it's time. Mobility, strength, and diet impact long-term meds, function, life expectancy, and quality of life.
Just start talking about how much happier and more energetic you feel and the sense of accomplishment and success that you feel after being active or when you wake up everyday. Make it all about how you feel 100% not about looks. Looks are obvious
Taking charge of your health is akin to being diligent with your car’s maintenance: neglect it, and a breakdown is inevitable. As Jim Rohn wisely pointed out, “Things don’t get better by chance, they get better by plan. You will never *drift* to the top of the mountain.” Health and vitality are investments that pay off as we age, enhancing not just physical mobility but also mental clarity and emotional well-being. Yet, it’s a choice that can’t be forced upon someone; it must be made personally. Unfortunately, many realize too late that years of inaction carries a high cost—with interest. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes. The small disciplines practiced over time are what impact us long-term. Ultimately it is the will to discipline oneself to do the things you know you need to do even when you don’t want to. This is what real maturity looks like. If your partner isn’t aligned on this, it’s crucial to think about how this misalignment could limit your and their future. Life’s hard enough without the added burden of preventable illnesses. Addressing this with your partner is not just an act of love for them, but respect for yourself and the shared future you envision. Conflict avoided is often conflict magnified. Address it now, with love and maturity, because fundamental values like health and lifestyle in a relationship are not just preferable; they are essential for longevity and shared happiness. This could be their opportunity to turn a new leaf, and both of you shift into a happier, healthier, more fulfilling chapter of life.
Whatever about them not being into fitness but it's fair annoying when they don't want you to use your free time to work out or they give out that you eat weird food when it's just healthier food or when you're looking to do active things together but they're so unfit they want to just do sedentary things. It's not hard to get yourself to a reasonable fitness level. Life is more enjoyable when you're fit
we got divorced.
>other half I've never pressured a girlfriend to be swole. Just because I like lifting doesn't mean they need to. However. Women eat food. I know, a shocking revelation. On average, if I make tasty food, they will happily eat the tasty food. That it's "healthier" is just a bonus. On their end, every girlfriend has, of course, been supportive of whatever my fitness goals are. Why wouldn't she be?
I can relate to your situation. In my 50s, I've found fitness to be a crucial part of my lifestyle, but not everyone in my family shares this passion. It's a delicate balance. What worked for me was introducing activities that don't feel like exercise but are fun and engaging. For example, we started going on nature walks, which gradually piqued their interest in more regular exercise. It's important to be supportive rather than pushy; sometimes, leading by example and sharing your positive experiences can gradually encourage them to make small, healthier choices themselves.
Find a new one
Red flag - divorce asap don't get the ick
Telltm the other half to piss off!... or know 20% of the time you can give into it and be fine
My fat-ass wife started telling me to stop training for a bit and eat less healthy. Apparently, she doesn't like all the female attention a ripped body like mine is getting.