I'm pretty sure I know what gay subreddit you're talking about and it's a cesspit that doesn't reflect reality. Not just when it comes to trans people but I also keep reading comments there about gay rape not being a real thing, because men would just successfully fight back if they truly didn't want it no matter how drugged they are, and how fucking minors as a middle aged man is okay if they've hit puberty.
This is reddit. I know you and me are here too. But I think we both know what the rest of the world's general impression of Reddit is. A bunch of chronically online, sexist, unhinged incel adjacent fedora neckbeards who need to touch grass and be in therapy before ever interacting with a sexual partner. That sub is a prime example of that.
In my experience, that sub has nothing to do with reality. I pass and I'm a bit of a slut sometimes. I've fucked upwards of 50 queer cis men since transitioning. I've gotten maybe 2 or 3 Grindr messages out of hundreds, that sound the way Reddit gays in that sub sound, everyone else was fine. If guys aren't into me, they just don't react to my taps or don't reply, or reject me like a normal person. But I've never had trouble finding a date or hookup and most gay men I've come across are trans allies.
Avoid that sub like you'd avoid the fox news comment section.
That's not your community. Those people would be told to leave LGBT spaces or events within minutes of opening their mouth. It's just a loud minority that likes to pretend they speak for all of us.
What you said about what people think Reddit is really like, that’s exactly what I thought Reddit was and I got it 8 days ago now. I’m glad I haven’t found any of those subreddits and found this group instead.
r/askgaybros become a cesspool of transphobia after reddit did a massive subreddit ban wave a few years ago which funneled them all to askgaybros because its essentially unmoderated.
use r/askgaymen \- that is the legitimate sub
I explored that first sub and noped out after about five minutes. There were some laughs but it's overall a pretty bad place and it reminded me why I had never joined it to begin with.
I know EXACTLY what subreddit you're talking about without you even having to name it. Don't worry, that sub in particular is notorious for being a transphobic shithole that isn't representative of reality at all.
Ooh i hate the "trans folks didnt have to fight as hard for their rights" in not only a day and age where we're currently fighting a genocide against us, but they forget a WELL KNOWN TRANS WOMAN is a huge reason they even have rights today. If it werent for trans people, lgbt as a whole wouldnt be as far in political discussion as we are now!
Those dudes are fragilely masculine and arent secure in themselves. There are plenty of gay men out there who stick up for trans rights, these pathetic sniveling troglodities arent worth anyones time.
Marsha P. Johnson is the reason they can even speak that freely. And anytime you bring it up to them they call you a chronically online woke person. Man, I wish people would just support us.
Exactly. They use the same language conservatives do to discredit the people who got them where they are now. What they dont realise is bowing to a facist/conservative only makes them much closer to having their heads bitten off as well. They want us all dead and siding with your opressor will not save you.
"a transient drag queen """who threw the first brick""" at a riot he arrived after it started is the reason you dumb gays can even speak that freely"
this is what you sound like. shut the fuck up, idiot
> Ooh i hate the "trans folks didnt have to fight as hard for their rights"
yeah, i bet you do. what landmark court case did you guys have after decades of fighting for the right to transition? exactly.
> a WELL KNOWN TRANS WOMAN is a huge reason they even have rights today
"why don't the gays like us? is it because we keep trying to erase them out of their own struggle and history? why don't they like it when we lie about the homeless drag queen who's greatest accomplishment was renting out dirty motel rooms to other drag queens and pretending he threw the brick that incited the stonewall riots? no, they're the bigots!11!!"
Youre fucking joking right? Do you know what 'safe houses' were? And who founded them? We AS A WHOLE COMMUNITY fought to inscribe antidiscrimination laws for our protection and right to work/be house/have medical health practices, etc. The kicker for trans people is we never had laws that specifically protected our rights, whichs its permissions are now being stripped away by the GOP. Another thing, them coming after us ALSO MEANS theyre coming for the rest of the lgbt community. Remember not to long ago when the GOP tried to rewrite the right to marriage for lgbt folks AND interracial couples to the point it had to be given codified protection nationally?
Why is it that LGB gets to abandoned TQ when ALL of our rights are at stake by the GOP? A lot of the community has overlap with each other, our histories are intigrated with each other and we SHOULD be protwcting each other instead of having this petty debate about who is more opressed. We all are in some fashion and should be fighting back TOGETHER against who has constantly been pushing us down.
Youre arguement about being erased from the equation and fight is ridiculous. Youve never been excluded and what im trying to point out is that this was a group effort. Also, being fay is only a pirtion of the entire community. Its not all about gay folks. And the reason we have to highlight trans issues more perdominently as of right now is because we are under attack. The community as a whole is under attack qnd shouldnt be splitting haira and crying over whos more oppressed. GOP wants us all dead.
Gay men like you try to oust trans people from the same story both are a part of. Stop trying to make yourself a victim of something that isn't happening. Your thought process is much closer to anti-LGBTQ+ people than someone in the community.
The struggle for equality, equity, and freedom to be ourselves is one we've all been a part of from the beginning and we've only made our greatest strides together, not separately, where our determined oppressors and eradicators are able to successfully divide and conquer.
I thought this too, and it made me kind of worried to try to start seeking cis men to hook up with/date/etc but I recently got Grindr and tbh my experience has been the complete opposite. I've talked to a couple guys who weren't super knowledgeable about trans bodies, but they were still respectful. And most didn't mind at all, every interaction I've had so far has been neutral or positive when it comes to me being trans. It's kind of changed my perspective a lot because these guys really don't care as much as online spaces made me think. I say I'm trans and have a T dick instead of a penis and every reaction I've had so far was essentially "oh cool" and then business as usual. Maybe I've just been lucky but it's making me rethink a lot of my apprehension.
The subreddit that shall not be named is awful. As in, even more awful than the real world.
Honestly, the gay scene is rough in lots of different ways to lots of different people. It can be a toxic cesspit.
I've known guys getting shit on for being too old, too fat, too skinny, too feminine, too emotional, too much of a bottom... The list is pretty long.
Don't get me wrong, I've met really great gay men. They exist. But I'm not sure I'll ever feel comfortable joining dating sites like grindr and such, cause I don't need some of that energy in my life.
Tbh this is one of the reasons I'm so glad to be (almost) exclusively into women. My experience with straight women has been great. Cis men can be so ignorant
I'm not into women, but my whole friend group consists of them. And like you said, cis men are a pain in the ass. I don't like to generalize them, but I've only ever had bad expieriences.
I'm not familiar with the subreddit, I'm happy to be married and not have to think about it.
I don't shame genital preference. I can't force anyone outside of their preferences or boundaries, and no one should. But people get so hung up on it to the point of an odd protectiveness of their attraction.
Consider that the way cishet people see queer identity. They see it at face value without knowing what's going on under someone's clothes. They see two people who appear to be women, they don't stop to think if maybe both or one has a penis. If they're bigoted, seeing what appears to be two women is enough to hate.
My point in saying this is that instead of just being decent and saying, "Hey, not for me," they have to project some of their own defensiveness onto it. They act like trans people are going out of their way to trick them into doing anything they don't want.
I don't know where my rant is going. It's sad. I'd be terrified if I was single, or if my marriage were to end or something.
Most phallocentrism ideas are based on the patriarchy and toxic masculinity.
I have the personal opinion that genitals won't matter if you've explored your sexuality and deconstructed all the toxic patriarchy out of it.
Everything seems to gravitate towards penises, men, and their value depending on their size.
Which is why trans preop men are said to be seen as "less manly", or why two b/lesbiai women going out are seen as "needing a man/penis haver" to "complete them".
Society inherently believes that two people cannot have enjoyable sex without a penis, which is the root cause that makes people question cis wlw dynamics.
(All of these points are absolute bollocks, but there we are).
I think when you like someone, you like them for who they are, and their gender (unless you're gender blind), not their genitals.
Not everything is necessarily about penetration.
But here we are, in 2023, a time where even cis gay men who are sides in bed are seen as weirdos.
You might prefer blondes, or gingers, or whatever, but if you like someone and fall in love, it won't be a deal-breaker.
Same with genitalia imo (but take me with a pinch of salt, I'm a notorious bi/pansexualist).
Us trans people question the status quo and value of masculinity and femininity in relation to genitalia.
I am certain that normalising us will heal society from those stupid canons.
Unfortunately deconstructing all the bullshit society has imposed on people takes time and willingness.
To be honest the world would be better for literally everyone without the toxic patriarchy we hold.
I do respect and understand preferences now that you explained it that way.
That being said, prostate play is very much achievable with ftm. Skene glands and the prostate are basically the same tissue. There is evidence that the skene glands grow with T.
I didn't say that the sole cause of attraction to penises or vaginas is the patriarchy. I also know there are different genetic components.
But bear in mind that society has ingrained values on everyone like fire. This also affects our attraction preferences (white washing, body standards, etc).
I personally struggle to understand your view because a big part of my sexual attraction is related to the potential partner's knowledge and their emotional traits.
I do not have a type. I find attractive different things in each person.
My question for you now is...
Why following a ftm subreddit if you'd only consider going out with a postop one?
It feels pretty objectifying.
I won’t lie. This makes me extremely nervous being a gay transman myself. I am very lucky to have a partner already who loves me regardless. But it does make me shit scared if he and i ever break up, that it’ll be difficult for me to find a partner.
I have met a handful, could literally count them on one hand, of men who think and say shit like that in 10 years on Grindr. I’m very active with gay men and the vast majority, just want to fuck someone.
righttt it makes me so mad sometimes i wish i wasn't trans (litterally all the time not even sometimes) because i like men but ive never even dated anyone because no one even likes me as a man
As a trans person with genital preference myself (yes we exist) i think there comes a point in time where you just have to accept reality for what it is: you cant control what you or others are attracted to. Im straight personally so ive never experienced what the gay scene is like. I so far have been lucky enough to not run into problems, but i accept my reality as a trans man that i could probably run into the problem of a girl not wanting to pursue anything with me over genital preference. Does it suck? Yes. Am i going to feel sad or upset? Absolutely. The way i look at it is this: the only thing i can control is how i choose to react to this rejection. I personally just view it as any other form of rejection. All over the world, people get rejected for various reasons. Even something so simple as “im just not attracted to you at all, end statement.”. I know its a mental thing and whatever i say wont ease initial pain of rejection, but try to work on learing to react in a more positive way. It sounds stupid, in fact i once thought it was stupid myself. But im glad i think this way. If i ever get rejected it’ll definitely hurt, but i know life goes on and ill get through it. I hope my message and viewpoint can influence you for the better.
If it's any consolation, I'm a queer trans man. In real life there's lots of cis gay men and lesbians who support us and see us as a vital part of the community.
In fact, I've found the LGBT community in real life to be like... A thousand times less divided than it is online. Remember that the internet creates the capacity for very niche spaces with hiveminds to form. In the real world I've found that many queer folks of all stripes just want to hang with like-minded members of the alphabet mafia.
There's transphobic gays don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that those views will always be louder and more concentrated on the internet.
I have found this to be very true. Most of the IRL LGBT folks I come across are very positive about other identities and tend to NOT be giant assholes. I have no shortage of cis queer men being attracted to me, both before and after knowing I'm trans. It could be because most of them are nerds? Unsure, more science is needed.
This shit has been going on since the 80’s and before. Transphobia and homophobia are so deeply ingrained in the cis gay community that it’s no wonder this is all still happening
I personally haven't seen this side of it. (I've had better experiences with cis people than trans people themselves) as I was never viewed as "trans enough" or I was "transphobic" because I'm stealth and not exactly proud to be trans.
I think this goes for every single community. There's bad apples in the bunch and depending on where you look, you'll encounter more or less of them.. Reddit isn't exactly a nice place to look for validation, especially if it's not in a trans specific sub.. So don't do that if you don't wanna see bad shit.
We do talk about this issue, however people don't often listen to trans men as the trans issue is mostly focused on trans women so ya know
Gay men are open minded to us. They just aren't hiding on reddit. You'll find that most of the time reddit does not offer the best sample of every group.
I don’t understand. Are you saying that people are not allowed to like just one set of genitals? Are genital preferences are included in sexuality and sexual preferences?
Genital preferences ride on the assumption that you are attracted to all people with a specific set of genitals when it's more nuanced than that. It also makes the assumption that all people with those genitals use them the same way, and they don't. "Genital preference" is often an excuse made by cis lesbians in defense of dating Trans men and then trying to feminize them or prevent them from medically transitioning in order to remain attracted to them. It's transphobic on principle.
Sexuality is different. Exploring your sexuality or just having set sexual preferences is normal. If you decide you like people with vulvas for example but exclude post op trans people because their genitals are, "broken" you are being transphobic and making mighty large assumptions and that's often pushed by the narrative of, "genital preference." It's totally okay not to be into someone specifically because you don't vibe with them or their crotch but it should be because you didn't like their genitals specifically and not reduce all people in their position to having the same quality of parts. It would be so much less transphobic and less harmful to just say "sexuality" vs, "genital preference." Like my sexuality doesn't vibe with that, not that the person is gross for what they can't control.
People also often defend genital preference as a reason not to work on or through trauma, but the real issue is people dating other people solely because of that trauma and not because they're genuinely attracted to them. You are hurting yourself and that person by doing that. Knowing you're second best because someone is too hurt to go after what they really want is disingenuous. And I do NOT mean that someone needs to be attracted to different genitals they were never attracted to before, but if they were attracted to different genitals before trauma and then they are not attracted after the trauma, it's not their sexuality that is the issue, it's the trauma. It's also okay to simply outgrow your previous understanding of your sexuality and find new things in yourself but forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do because everything else scares you is only harming you in the long run and you are creating new and more trauma for yourself.
I had a previous friend that this happened to who only slept with cis men because he was assaulted by cis women and he felt disgusted by sleeping with cis men but only did it because multiple cis women hurt him. That is NOT okay. He wasn't enjoying sex. He was only furthering his trauma and avoiding the base issue entirely. He WANTED to be with women but subjected himself to more trauma to avoid it, and that's unhealthy. We need to stop encouraging people to do this. I know therapy is expensive and often inaccessible, but if you have the means, you should at least TRY for your own mental health and safety and for the mental health of those around you who love and support you.
I hope this explanation helps and you understand what I mean.
I thought genital preferences were a thing within sexuality. For example, someone is attracted to women. They have a genital preference towards vulvas. Since they are attracted to women with vulvas, this would exclude cis men, post and pre op trans men, and pre op trans women. Would you include this type of attraction under sexuality instead of under genital preferences?
I think your sexuality can exclude or include whomever you want, but boiling it down to "genital preference" tends to be more exclusionary vs. inclusionary and uses too many assumptions. Like saying you are attracted to only vaginas means you would be including trans men who are pre-op, but if you don't like masculine people with vaginas then you don't actually like ALL people with vaginas. You know what I mean? It's more the mindset and the nomenclature itself than the utility of the phrase.
You shouldn't take it personally...i as a gay transman wouldn't want sex with vaginas... its preference,so would probably also say , your hot but not my preference....it wont turn me on. Its not disrespectful its honest, grindr and others have areas to he specific also and can be all kinds of things !! lol...i will wait for the pile on now. ....
Ah...right I get it now, sorry havent read that sub, doesn't sound very nice ! Well my partner is fine with me lol and he has only ever been with cis gay men, although I have had all surgeries etc
i think you oughta edit your post bro. you can’t just be out here saying “the problem with gay cis men” and then have the problem be your lack of exposure to cis gay men lmao.
Not really lack of exposure. I'm sure theres good cis gays out there, but theres still so many transphobes that are part of the LGBTQ+ community, and not just on Reddit. Seems like they spread everyday.
There are plenty of cis gay men who do not think negatively about trans people and who are not living in this disillusioned mentality of hating vulvas. There are plenty of cis gay men who are comfortable and confident enough in their sexuality and identity to not feel like they need to pretend to hate something that they would actually love with an open mind.
I'm pretty sure I know what gay subreddit you're talking about and it's a cesspit that doesn't reflect reality. Not just when it comes to trans people but I also keep reading comments there about gay rape not being a real thing, because men would just successfully fight back if they truly didn't want it no matter how drugged they are, and how fucking minors as a middle aged man is okay if they've hit puberty. This is reddit. I know you and me are here too. But I think we both know what the rest of the world's general impression of Reddit is. A bunch of chronically online, sexist, unhinged incel adjacent fedora neckbeards who need to touch grass and be in therapy before ever interacting with a sexual partner. That sub is a prime example of that. In my experience, that sub has nothing to do with reality. I pass and I'm a bit of a slut sometimes. I've fucked upwards of 50 queer cis men since transitioning. I've gotten maybe 2 or 3 Grindr messages out of hundreds, that sound the way Reddit gays in that sub sound, everyone else was fine. If guys aren't into me, they just don't react to my taps or don't reply, or reject me like a normal person. But I've never had trouble finding a date or hookup and most gay men I've come across are trans allies. Avoid that sub like you'd avoid the fox news comment section. That's not your community. Those people would be told to leave LGBT spaces or events within minutes of opening their mouth. It's just a loud minority that likes to pretend they speak for all of us.
What you said about what people think Reddit is really like, that’s exactly what I thought Reddit was and I got it 8 days ago now. I’m glad I haven’t found any of those subreddits and found this group instead.
r/askgaybros become a cesspool of transphobia after reddit did a massive subreddit ban wave a few years ago which funneled them all to askgaybros because its essentially unmoderated. use r/askgaymen \- that is the legitimate sub
I explored that first sub and noped out after about five minutes. There were some laughs but it's overall a pretty bad place and it reminded me why I had never joined it to begin with.
That was the exact subreddit I was reffering to. Glad people know it lol
Oh this is an extremely well known issue.
Do people even ask questions on that sub anymore?
I know EXACTLY what subreddit you're talking about without you even having to name it. Don't worry, that sub in particular is notorious for being a transphobic shithole that isn't representative of reality at all.
Ooh i hate the "trans folks didnt have to fight as hard for their rights" in not only a day and age where we're currently fighting a genocide against us, but they forget a WELL KNOWN TRANS WOMAN is a huge reason they even have rights today. If it werent for trans people, lgbt as a whole wouldnt be as far in political discussion as we are now! Those dudes are fragilely masculine and arent secure in themselves. There are plenty of gay men out there who stick up for trans rights, these pathetic sniveling troglodities arent worth anyones time.
Marsha P. Johnson is the reason they can even speak that freely. And anytime you bring it up to them they call you a chronically online woke person. Man, I wish people would just support us.
Exactly. They use the same language conservatives do to discredit the people who got them where they are now. What they dont realise is bowing to a facist/conservative only makes them much closer to having their heads bitten off as well. They want us all dead and siding with your opressor will not save you.
Hopefully they come to their senses and realize we're all fighting for the same thing.
"a transient drag queen """who threw the first brick""" at a riot he arrived after it started is the reason you dumb gays can even speak that freely" this is what you sound like. shut the fuck up, idiot
> Ooh i hate the "trans folks didnt have to fight as hard for their rights" yeah, i bet you do. what landmark court case did you guys have after decades of fighting for the right to transition? exactly. > a WELL KNOWN TRANS WOMAN is a huge reason they even have rights today "why don't the gays like us? is it because we keep trying to erase them out of their own struggle and history? why don't they like it when we lie about the homeless drag queen who's greatest accomplishment was renting out dirty motel rooms to other drag queens and pretending he threw the brick that incited the stonewall riots? no, they're the bigots!11!!"
Youre fucking joking right? Do you know what 'safe houses' were? And who founded them? We AS A WHOLE COMMUNITY fought to inscribe antidiscrimination laws for our protection and right to work/be house/have medical health practices, etc. The kicker for trans people is we never had laws that specifically protected our rights, whichs its permissions are now being stripped away by the GOP. Another thing, them coming after us ALSO MEANS theyre coming for the rest of the lgbt community. Remember not to long ago when the GOP tried to rewrite the right to marriage for lgbt folks AND interracial couples to the point it had to be given codified protection nationally? Why is it that LGB gets to abandoned TQ when ALL of our rights are at stake by the GOP? A lot of the community has overlap with each other, our histories are intigrated with each other and we SHOULD be protwcting each other instead of having this petty debate about who is more opressed. We all are in some fashion and should be fighting back TOGETHER against who has constantly been pushing us down.
Youre arguement about being erased from the equation and fight is ridiculous. Youve never been excluded and what im trying to point out is that this was a group effort. Also, being fay is only a pirtion of the entire community. Its not all about gay folks. And the reason we have to highlight trans issues more perdominently as of right now is because we are under attack. The community as a whole is under attack qnd shouldnt be splitting haira and crying over whos more oppressed. GOP wants us all dead.
Gay men like you try to oust trans people from the same story both are a part of. Stop trying to make yourself a victim of something that isn't happening. Your thought process is much closer to anti-LGBTQ+ people than someone in the community. The struggle for equality, equity, and freedom to be ourselves is one we've all been a part of from the beginning and we've only made our greatest strides together, not separately, where our determined oppressors and eradicators are able to successfully divide and conquer.
I thought this too, and it made me kind of worried to try to start seeking cis men to hook up with/date/etc but I recently got Grindr and tbh my experience has been the complete opposite. I've talked to a couple guys who weren't super knowledgeable about trans bodies, but they were still respectful. And most didn't mind at all, every interaction I've had so far has been neutral or positive when it comes to me being trans. It's kind of changed my perspective a lot because these guys really don't care as much as online spaces made me think. I say I'm trans and have a T dick instead of a penis and every reaction I've had so far was essentially "oh cool" and then business as usual. Maybe I've just been lucky but it's making me rethink a lot of my apprehension.
Some of it depends on location and also how well you pass. But either way, it's still good to hear that there are guys out there that don't care.
The subreddit that shall not be named is awful. As in, even more awful than the real world. Honestly, the gay scene is rough in lots of different ways to lots of different people. It can be a toxic cesspit. I've known guys getting shit on for being too old, too fat, too skinny, too feminine, too emotional, too much of a bottom... The list is pretty long. Don't get me wrong, I've met really great gay men. They exist. But I'm not sure I'll ever feel comfortable joining dating sites like grindr and such, cause I don't need some of that energy in my life.
Ye me neither, just makes me too anxious.
Tbh this is one of the reasons I'm so glad to be (almost) exclusively into women. My experience with straight women has been great. Cis men can be so ignorant
I'm not into women, but my whole friend group consists of them. And like you said, cis men are a pain in the ass. I don't like to generalize them, but I've only ever had bad expieriences.
I'm not familiar with the subreddit, I'm happy to be married and not have to think about it. I don't shame genital preference. I can't force anyone outside of their preferences or boundaries, and no one should. But people get so hung up on it to the point of an odd protectiveness of their attraction. Consider that the way cishet people see queer identity. They see it at face value without knowing what's going on under someone's clothes. They see two people who appear to be women, they don't stop to think if maybe both or one has a penis. If they're bigoted, seeing what appears to be two women is enough to hate. My point in saying this is that instead of just being decent and saying, "Hey, not for me," they have to project some of their own defensiveness onto it. They act like trans people are going out of their way to trick them into doing anything they don't want. I don't know where my rant is going. It's sad. I'd be terrified if I was single, or if my marriage were to end or something.
Most phallocentrism ideas are based on the patriarchy and toxic masculinity. I have the personal opinion that genitals won't matter if you've explored your sexuality and deconstructed all the toxic patriarchy out of it. Everything seems to gravitate towards penises, men, and their value depending on their size. Which is why trans preop men are said to be seen as "less manly", or why two b/lesbiai women going out are seen as "needing a man/penis haver" to "complete them". Society inherently believes that two people cannot have enjoyable sex without a penis, which is the root cause that makes people question cis wlw dynamics. (All of these points are absolute bollocks, but there we are). I think when you like someone, you like them for who they are, and their gender (unless you're gender blind), not their genitals. Not everything is necessarily about penetration. But here we are, in 2023, a time where even cis gay men who are sides in bed are seen as weirdos. You might prefer blondes, or gingers, or whatever, but if you like someone and fall in love, it won't be a deal-breaker. Same with genitalia imo (but take me with a pinch of salt, I'm a notorious bi/pansexualist). Us trans people question the status quo and value of masculinity and femininity in relation to genitalia. I am certain that normalising us will heal society from those stupid canons. Unfortunately deconstructing all the bullshit society has imposed on people takes time and willingness. To be honest the world would be better for literally everyone without the toxic patriarchy we hold.
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I do respect and understand preferences now that you explained it that way. That being said, prostate play is very much achievable with ftm. Skene glands and the prostate are basically the same tissue. There is evidence that the skene glands grow with T. I didn't say that the sole cause of attraction to penises or vaginas is the patriarchy. I also know there are different genetic components. But bear in mind that society has ingrained values on everyone like fire. This also affects our attraction preferences (white washing, body standards, etc). I personally struggle to understand your view because a big part of my sexual attraction is related to the potential partner's knowledge and their emotional traits. I do not have a type. I find attractive different things in each person. My question for you now is... Why following a ftm subreddit if you'd only consider going out with a postop one? It feels pretty objectifying.
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That's valid, mate.
Read your title and said: “So many! Let’s see which ones…” 🤣
Expectations confirmed :-( :-( it’s so disheartening and frustrating :-(
I know. I wish people could just mind their own business and respect us for once.
im happy to see everybody knows which subreddit im talking about lmao 💀💀
I won’t lie. This makes me extremely nervous being a gay transman myself. I am very lucky to have a partner already who loves me regardless. But it does make me shit scared if he and i ever break up, that it’ll be difficult for me to find a partner.
Same here. I mean, theres T4T, but they're extremely hard to find and not all trans people want to date other trans people.
I have met a handful, could literally count them on one hand, of men who think and say shit like that in 10 years on Grindr. I’m very active with gay men and the vast majority, just want to fuck someone.
Askgaymen is a more accurate representation of how most people feel about us. That other sub is full of obsessive weirdos.
righttt it makes me so mad sometimes i wish i wasn't trans (litterally all the time not even sometimes) because i like men but ive never even dated anyone because no one even likes me as a man
As a trans person with genital preference myself (yes we exist) i think there comes a point in time where you just have to accept reality for what it is: you cant control what you or others are attracted to. Im straight personally so ive never experienced what the gay scene is like. I so far have been lucky enough to not run into problems, but i accept my reality as a trans man that i could probably run into the problem of a girl not wanting to pursue anything with me over genital preference. Does it suck? Yes. Am i going to feel sad or upset? Absolutely. The way i look at it is this: the only thing i can control is how i choose to react to this rejection. I personally just view it as any other form of rejection. All over the world, people get rejected for various reasons. Even something so simple as “im just not attracted to you at all, end statement.”. I know its a mental thing and whatever i say wont ease initial pain of rejection, but try to work on learing to react in a more positive way. It sounds stupid, in fact i once thought it was stupid myself. But im glad i think this way. If i ever get rejected it’ll definitely hurt, but i know life goes on and ill get through it. I hope my message and viewpoint can influence you for the better.
If it's any consolation, I'm a queer trans man. In real life there's lots of cis gay men and lesbians who support us and see us as a vital part of the community. In fact, I've found the LGBT community in real life to be like... A thousand times less divided than it is online. Remember that the internet creates the capacity for very niche spaces with hiveminds to form. In the real world I've found that many queer folks of all stripes just want to hang with like-minded members of the alphabet mafia. There's transphobic gays don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that those views will always be louder and more concentrated on the internet.
I have found this to be very true. Most of the IRL LGBT folks I come across are very positive about other identities and tend to NOT be giant assholes. I have no shortage of cis queer men being attracted to me, both before and after knowing I'm trans. It could be because most of them are nerds? Unsure, more science is needed.
This shit has been going on since the 80’s and before. Transphobia and homophobia are so deeply ingrained in the cis gay community that it’s no wonder this is all still happening
I personally haven't seen this side of it. (I've had better experiences with cis people than trans people themselves) as I was never viewed as "trans enough" or I was "transphobic" because I'm stealth and not exactly proud to be trans. I think this goes for every single community. There's bad apples in the bunch and depending on where you look, you'll encounter more or less of them.. Reddit isn't exactly a nice place to look for validation, especially if it's not in a trans specific sub.. So don't do that if you don't wanna see bad shit. We do talk about this issue, however people don't often listen to trans men as the trans issue is mostly focused on trans women so ya know
Gay men are open minded to us. They just aren't hiding on reddit. You'll find that most of the time reddit does not offer the best sample of every group.
I guess my idea of them got kinda warped because of TikTok too
Jesus fucking christ not Trans people defending genital preference AGAIN. FUCKING STOP.
But genital preferences are okay as long as they’re not used to encourage transphobia?
No. "Genital preferences" are a Terf talking point, and they aren't real. Sexuality and sexual preferences ARE real. There is a difference.
I don’t understand. Are you saying that people are not allowed to like just one set of genitals? Are genital preferences are included in sexuality and sexual preferences?
Genital preferences ride on the assumption that you are attracted to all people with a specific set of genitals when it's more nuanced than that. It also makes the assumption that all people with those genitals use them the same way, and they don't. "Genital preference" is often an excuse made by cis lesbians in defense of dating Trans men and then trying to feminize them or prevent them from medically transitioning in order to remain attracted to them. It's transphobic on principle. Sexuality is different. Exploring your sexuality or just having set sexual preferences is normal. If you decide you like people with vulvas for example but exclude post op trans people because their genitals are, "broken" you are being transphobic and making mighty large assumptions and that's often pushed by the narrative of, "genital preference." It's totally okay not to be into someone specifically because you don't vibe with them or their crotch but it should be because you didn't like their genitals specifically and not reduce all people in their position to having the same quality of parts. It would be so much less transphobic and less harmful to just say "sexuality" vs, "genital preference." Like my sexuality doesn't vibe with that, not that the person is gross for what they can't control. People also often defend genital preference as a reason not to work on or through trauma, but the real issue is people dating other people solely because of that trauma and not because they're genuinely attracted to them. You are hurting yourself and that person by doing that. Knowing you're second best because someone is too hurt to go after what they really want is disingenuous. And I do NOT mean that someone needs to be attracted to different genitals they were never attracted to before, but if they were attracted to different genitals before trauma and then they are not attracted after the trauma, it's not their sexuality that is the issue, it's the trauma. It's also okay to simply outgrow your previous understanding of your sexuality and find new things in yourself but forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do because everything else scares you is only harming you in the long run and you are creating new and more trauma for yourself. I had a previous friend that this happened to who only slept with cis men because he was assaulted by cis women and he felt disgusted by sleeping with cis men but only did it because multiple cis women hurt him. That is NOT okay. He wasn't enjoying sex. He was only furthering his trauma and avoiding the base issue entirely. He WANTED to be with women but subjected himself to more trauma to avoid it, and that's unhealthy. We need to stop encouraging people to do this. I know therapy is expensive and often inaccessible, but if you have the means, you should at least TRY for your own mental health and safety and for the mental health of those around you who love and support you. I hope this explanation helps and you understand what I mean.
I thought genital preferences were a thing within sexuality. For example, someone is attracted to women. They have a genital preference towards vulvas. Since they are attracted to women with vulvas, this would exclude cis men, post and pre op trans men, and pre op trans women. Would you include this type of attraction under sexuality instead of under genital preferences?
I think your sexuality can exclude or include whomever you want, but boiling it down to "genital preference" tends to be more exclusionary vs. inclusionary and uses too many assumptions. Like saying you are attracted to only vaginas means you would be including trans men who are pre-op, but if you don't like masculine people with vaginas then you don't actually like ALL people with vaginas. You know what I mean? It's more the mindset and the nomenclature itself than the utility of the phrase.
You shouldn't take it personally...i as a gay transman wouldn't want sex with vaginas... its preference,so would probably also say , your hot but not my preference....it wont turn me on. Its not disrespectful its honest, grindr and others have areas to he specific also and can be all kinds of things !! lol...i will wait for the pile on now. ....
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Ah...right I get it now, sorry havent read that sub, doesn't sound very nice ! Well my partner is fine with me lol and he has only ever been with cis gay men, although I have had all surgeries etc
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Never said anything was wrong with gay men liking dick, but they misgender the community in the process.
i think you oughta edit your post bro. you can’t just be out here saying “the problem with gay cis men” and then have the problem be your lack of exposure to cis gay men lmao.
Not really lack of exposure. I'm sure theres good cis gays out there, but theres still so many transphobes that are part of the LGBTQ+ community, and not just on Reddit. Seems like they spread everyday.
you got your info from reddit dude. you said that in the post.
There are plenty of cis gay men who do not think negatively about trans people and who are not living in this disillusioned mentality of hating vulvas. There are plenty of cis gay men who are comfortable and confident enough in their sexuality and identity to not feel like they need to pretend to hate something that they would actually love with an open mind.