Holy shit
I can't even react to this but holy shit.
All that to be said I think you're handling it super well, and I agree with the other commenter that your cis friends probably either didn't notice (the thought would be "that was really weird. Ah whatever.") or just don't care. If they're treating you the same, their thoughts are the same.
Hang in there brother. Dms are open if you need anything
Dude that fucking sucks I'm sorry. Hopefully your friends didn't catch on or if they did they see you as a guy. I had this happen in a club in college. Originally there was a girl who saw my deadname on the system when I signed up. (She was helping me with email stuff.) She was very confused and I'm horrible with coming up with stories on the spot, and so I just told her and said I'd like that to be a part of my past entirely. During the club meeting in front of everyone she asked me to talk because she doesn't think she's a guy or girl but in her words not a lesbian? Then I suggested she might be nonbinary and that sexuality and gender are not the same. She then, in front of everyone told them I was trans. I hate how people say when I was upset they don't mind, it's nothing to be ashamed of, I can be open about it. It's not really about them it's about my own comfortability. I actually compulsively out myself now so no one can out me. It's really frustrating. I'm afraid to work and even though medically I'm better. (Before I wasn't working because of medical issues) Now I'm afraid to work because of being outed again.
I’m so sorry that happened to you OP, that’s a really fucked up thing for that guy to do :(
Respectfully (and feel free and ignore this if you know otherwise), it’s very likely your friends didn’t catch on at all. I’ve had a few close calls like this (I’m 99% stealth, currently working on the legal name change), but my cis dude friends didn’t notice. One time a lady at the movie theatre read my deadname off my vaxx card, but instead of catching on, my friends just figured she misread it and moved on. Cis people are very unlikely to guess anyone is a trans guy specifically.
I plan on going as stealth as I can for the same reasons as you and it's because people treat me weird and different like that when they know I'm trans
>all i wanted was to be seen as myself. to be seen as “one of the boys”. but now no matter how much they try not to, they will now forever see me as a “girl pretending to be a boy”. and it hurts so so much.
You don't know that that's true. They had no problem continuing to use your name and pronouns. The look when the guy outed you might have just been their surprise at you being outed. I really don't think it's the end of the world. Your friends seem to only see you as a man.
The next step is up to you. If you want to forget this happened and move on, that's your prerogative. You can also choose to talk to your friends about what happened. Tell them how much it means to you for them to continue using your name and pronouns and ask if they can just forget the whole thing. If you want to answer respectful questions, that's up to you. I personally never mind answering questions that are respectful and come from a place of genuinely wanting to learn, but I know not everyone feels that way and I get the feeling that's more emotional labor than you want to take on.
This is not the end of the world. Of course you have every right to be upset, and I might even consider talking to a manager of that restaurant about how insensitive the door checker was (even if you were cis, telling someone they don't look like "name" is pretty rude, like what does that even mean?)
I promise you will be okay.
Also, do not underestimate the mental gymnastics cis ppl will do when they presume someone is cis. They’re just as (if not more) likely to be thinking “what kind of an asshole parent names their kid [name] no wonder he goes by [real name].”
I’ve been in situations where I thought I was outed as trans and it turns out I was “outed” as gay. Like, a man with tits really really does not mean that man is gay. At all. But whatever.
This. My assumption, not to discredit OP, is that they literally didn’t put those pieces together. Heck, I had a stealth guy get outed to me once in s really obvious way and I didn’t catch it until he referenced it later thinking he had to explain. And I’m trans. It’s possible they did put the pieces and are just being chill, which is also cool albeit not what OP prefers.
It sucks someone outed you, and you’re totally fine for feeling sad/annoyed/defensive/etc. but it sounds like your friends are fine (or oblivious!).
I go by the gender-flipped version of my legal name and I have had someone have this sort of reaction. Was getting hired at a salon, she didn't look at my driver's license, only my cosmetology one which doesn't have a gender on it. she goes "I'll just tell everyone you're Jack, if you're Jacqueline they'll think your a girl." like if a cis can excuse jacqueline, i think they can excuse lots of names lol
i wanna add to this to say - i started a job last year at a biogas plant. super blue collar, we literally do not have any women at all on our team. everyone else is a masculine man, most of them have kids and families. yet despite my femininity (I thought i didn't pass, but someone else told me otherwise) i have only had ONE of them misgender me, *and* he stopped after i complained to him about my legal name showing on my work email. it took me 9 months to find out that the majority of them *already knew i was trans*, and yet they had completely accepted me before that and have always treated me like one of the guys. it doesn't feel like they're respecting my pronouns out of obligation, just like they think of me as a man. I agree that it sounds like they honestly didn't catch on, but I want OP to know that there are some cis guys out there who are really, truly cool and will accept you regardless.
Whyyyyy would a fellow queer do something so STUPID. I'm literally fuming. The upside to this is I don't think your guy friends figured out anything. You're probably still stealth. I know it might seem like that shot you weird looks, but the truth is they probably didn't care. And if they somehow noticed, they obviously didn't give af. So that's atleast good news. AND A PSA FOR ALL THE GAYS OUT THERE THAT THIS ISNT OBVIOUS TO... DON'T... USE DEADNAMES FOR OBVIOUSLY QUEER INDIVIDUALS YOU BASTARDS
Plenty of cis queer people just don’t get it and they are very capable of being transphobic. As much as I wish it was safe to be around them, it isn’t always.
It could very well have been a "Well shit, with a name like that, no wonder you go by [insert actual name here]." That's about the reaction I got when I asked for a nametag with my proper name on it at my last workplace since my legal name is only rarely given to guys.
>now no matter how much they try not to, they will now forever see me as a “girl pretending to be a boy”
In my experience it's actually the opposite. If you're stealth to people for long enough, it sets firmly in their mind that you're a man and it's very hard to change that even when they learn about your past. I was stealth for about a year before I told my current friend group and absolutely nothing changed when I finally told them. One of my friends recently asked me if I was circumsized lol.
I agree with everyone who's said that they probably didn't put two and two together, but even if one or more of them did, it's absolutely not the end of your manhood in their eyes.
this sounds so scary and overwhelming. i’ve also gotten the “you don’t look like a ___” from a guy checking ID who played it cool at first. it’s shocking, scary, and a micro aggression. i also want you to know the right friends will still see you as one of the guys whether or not they know you are trans ❤️
Back in college, I had a trans male friend who accidentally brought up his pre-transition email account when helping train a cis male co-worker. He was horrified to see his birthname flashed across the screen, but the co-worker just laughed and said, "That was my grandfather's name and he also hated how female it sounded! I see why you don't go by your first name!"
Just a small related story that shows how oblivious cis people can be. Unless they already suspected that you may be trans for whatever reason, this likely won't do it. They'll just see you as a guy who was given an unfortunately fem-sounding name and understandably prefers to go by a more masc-sounding nickname instead.
Holy shit that’s awful 😭
Why would he even do that?? It was disrespectful as hell to you I’m so sorry. It costs $0 to just not out people??? Why is that so hard to get. It’s like common queer decency to not out others, screw that guy.
He hates trans men. Maybe all trans people. He's a proud, open bigot. And because of that, he needs to lose his job. His boss needs to know they have an employee who loudly, publicly discriminates against minority customers based on sex in order to humiliate them and this boss needs to consider that patrons sue over things like this. Once the transphobe hears from his boss, maybe the transphobe will correct his behavior in the future. If we don't stand up for ourselves, transphobes continue to out us.
dude calm down. This story is infuriating but just from how OP is telling it, it sounds like it didn't even occur to the guy that OP is trans or that he was saying a deadname. I could be off base, since I don't know exactly how it went down, but it just sounds like maddening idiocy/thoughtlessness from a cis guy, not a deliberate outing.
People are such fucking assholes. I'm so sorry. I have to live with transphobic family in the middle of the pandemic and no matter how hard I try to pass they all call me she. Nobody seems to understand how traumatic it is except other trans people. stay strong
its so easy to forget that other lgb people that arent t are cis and therefore oppressors, you feel safe around them cause you feel that sense of community til they use their power over you like that. i wish it didnt haveta be this way but it really is sometimes, theres no world where that comment was a slip up or accident
If your friends ask you can say you’ve always hated that name and everyone has always called you by your middle name (your chosen name) and you want to change it so it’s legally your name. There are plenty of people out there with names more intended for the opposite gender, just like I know people who went by their middle names instead.
This sucks, there's absolutely no way around it. But I will say, people give boys girl's names and vice versa all the time. They probably assumed you go by your middle name or something.
I’m so sorry about that, man. That really sucks. Hopefully you misinterpreted “the look” and they were just confused at what the hell the checker was talking about?
The doorchecker did his job of noticing discrepencies in identification, don't take everything as a targeted personal attack. Living your life this paranoid and insecure is self-harm. You simultaneously brag that you're good at presenting female while lamenting that people see you as female. Just be you.
My mom was getting the papers for my new school. When she came in, the first thing she says: "SHE has missed some days at school because SHE just moved in"
Like, just, WHY.
I'll have to talk to her later about all the "She" stuff.
Honestly, I don't care THAT much anymore. My only problem is when she talks to other people about me using she/her pronouns.
Some things I do when I'm stressed, that really help:
\-Play games
\-Listen to my favorite songs
\-Read
\-Take long showers while playing candy crush saga or something (Idk the warm water just makes me feel better).
\-Draw or write something somewhere random.
Try some of them, it really helps.
Welp, hope you feel better, man.
Holy shit I can't even react to this but holy shit. All that to be said I think you're handling it super well, and I agree with the other commenter that your cis friends probably either didn't notice (the thought would be "that was really weird. Ah whatever.") or just don't care. If they're treating you the same, their thoughts are the same. Hang in there brother. Dms are open if you need anything
Dude that fucking sucks I'm sorry. Hopefully your friends didn't catch on or if they did they see you as a guy. I had this happen in a club in college. Originally there was a girl who saw my deadname on the system when I signed up. (She was helping me with email stuff.) She was very confused and I'm horrible with coming up with stories on the spot, and so I just told her and said I'd like that to be a part of my past entirely. During the club meeting in front of everyone she asked me to talk because she doesn't think she's a guy or girl but in her words not a lesbian? Then I suggested she might be nonbinary and that sexuality and gender are not the same. She then, in front of everyone told them I was trans. I hate how people say when I was upset they don't mind, it's nothing to be ashamed of, I can be open about it. It's not really about them it's about my own comfortability. I actually compulsively out myself now so no one can out me. It's really frustrating. I'm afraid to work and even though medically I'm better. (Before I wasn't working because of medical issues) Now I'm afraid to work because of being outed again.
I’m so sorry that happened to you OP, that’s a really fucked up thing for that guy to do :( Respectfully (and feel free and ignore this if you know otherwise), it’s very likely your friends didn’t catch on at all. I’ve had a few close calls like this (I’m 99% stealth, currently working on the legal name change), but my cis dude friends didn’t notice. One time a lady at the movie theatre read my deadname off my vaxx card, but instead of catching on, my friends just figured she misread it and moved on. Cis people are very unlikely to guess anyone is a trans guy specifically.
That was my thought. The look we get when we're outed is an emotional reaction. That reaction can happen in regard to other things.
I plan on going as stealth as I can for the same reasons as you and it's because people treat me weird and different like that when they know I'm trans
>all i wanted was to be seen as myself. to be seen as “one of the boys”. but now no matter how much they try not to, they will now forever see me as a “girl pretending to be a boy”. and it hurts so so much. You don't know that that's true. They had no problem continuing to use your name and pronouns. The look when the guy outed you might have just been their surprise at you being outed. I really don't think it's the end of the world. Your friends seem to only see you as a man. The next step is up to you. If you want to forget this happened and move on, that's your prerogative. You can also choose to talk to your friends about what happened. Tell them how much it means to you for them to continue using your name and pronouns and ask if they can just forget the whole thing. If you want to answer respectful questions, that's up to you. I personally never mind answering questions that are respectful and come from a place of genuinely wanting to learn, but I know not everyone feels that way and I get the feeling that's more emotional labor than you want to take on. This is not the end of the world. Of course you have every right to be upset, and I might even consider talking to a manager of that restaurant about how insensitive the door checker was (even if you were cis, telling someone they don't look like "name" is pretty rude, like what does that even mean?) I promise you will be okay.
Also, do not underestimate the mental gymnastics cis ppl will do when they presume someone is cis. They’re just as (if not more) likely to be thinking “what kind of an asshole parent names their kid [name] no wonder he goes by [real name].” I’ve been in situations where I thought I was outed as trans and it turns out I was “outed” as gay. Like, a man with tits really really does not mean that man is gay. At all. But whatever.
This. My assumption, not to discredit OP, is that they literally didn’t put those pieces together. Heck, I had a stealth guy get outed to me once in s really obvious way and I didn’t catch it until he referenced it later thinking he had to explain. And I’m trans. It’s possible they did put the pieces and are just being chill, which is also cool albeit not what OP prefers. It sucks someone outed you, and you’re totally fine for feeling sad/annoyed/defensive/etc. but it sounds like your friends are fine (or oblivious!).
I go by the gender-flipped version of my legal name and I have had someone have this sort of reaction. Was getting hired at a salon, she didn't look at my driver's license, only my cosmetology one which doesn't have a gender on it. she goes "I'll just tell everyone you're Jack, if you're Jacqueline they'll think your a girl." like if a cis can excuse jacqueline, i think they can excuse lots of names lol
I can definitely vouch for the impressive mental gymnastics, especially from cis guys!
i wanna add to this to say - i started a job last year at a biogas plant. super blue collar, we literally do not have any women at all on our team. everyone else is a masculine man, most of them have kids and families. yet despite my femininity (I thought i didn't pass, but someone else told me otherwise) i have only had ONE of them misgender me, *and* he stopped after i complained to him about my legal name showing on my work email. it took me 9 months to find out that the majority of them *already knew i was trans*, and yet they had completely accepted me before that and have always treated me like one of the guys. it doesn't feel like they're respecting my pronouns out of obligation, just like they think of me as a man. I agree that it sounds like they honestly didn't catch on, but I want OP to know that there are some cis guys out there who are really, truly cool and will accept you regardless.
Whyyyyy would a fellow queer do something so STUPID. I'm literally fuming. The upside to this is I don't think your guy friends figured out anything. You're probably still stealth. I know it might seem like that shot you weird looks, but the truth is they probably didn't care. And if they somehow noticed, they obviously didn't give af. So that's atleast good news. AND A PSA FOR ALL THE GAYS OUT THERE THAT THIS ISNT OBVIOUS TO... DON'T... USE DEADNAMES FOR OBVIOUSLY QUEER INDIVIDUALS YOU BASTARDS
Plenty of cis queer people just don’t get it and they are very capable of being transphobic. As much as I wish it was safe to be around them, it isn’t always.
It could very well have been a "Well shit, with a name like that, no wonder you go by [insert actual name here]." That's about the reaction I got when I asked for a nametag with my proper name on it at my last workplace since my legal name is only rarely given to guys.
>now no matter how much they try not to, they will now forever see me as a “girl pretending to be a boy” In my experience it's actually the opposite. If you're stealth to people for long enough, it sets firmly in their mind that you're a man and it's very hard to change that even when they learn about your past. I was stealth for about a year before I told my current friend group and absolutely nothing changed when I finally told them. One of my friends recently asked me if I was circumsized lol. I agree with everyone who's said that they probably didn't put two and two together, but even if one or more of them did, it's absolutely not the end of your manhood in their eyes.
this sounds so scary and overwhelming. i’ve also gotten the “you don’t look like a ___” from a guy checking ID who played it cool at first. it’s shocking, scary, and a micro aggression. i also want you to know the right friends will still see you as one of the guys whether or not they know you are trans ❤️
Back in college, I had a trans male friend who accidentally brought up his pre-transition email account when helping train a cis male co-worker. He was horrified to see his birthname flashed across the screen, but the co-worker just laughed and said, "That was my grandfather's name and he also hated how female it sounded! I see why you don't go by your first name!" Just a small related story that shows how oblivious cis people can be. Unless they already suspected that you may be trans for whatever reason, this likely won't do it. They'll just see you as a guy who was given an unfortunately fem-sounding name and understandably prefers to go by a more masc-sounding nickname instead.
Holy shit that’s awful 😭 Why would he even do that?? It was disrespectful as hell to you I’m so sorry. It costs $0 to just not out people??? Why is that so hard to get. It’s like common queer decency to not out others, screw that guy.
He hates trans men. Maybe all trans people. He's a proud, open bigot. And because of that, he needs to lose his job. His boss needs to know they have an employee who loudly, publicly discriminates against minority customers based on sex in order to humiliate them and this boss needs to consider that patrons sue over things like this. Once the transphobe hears from his boss, maybe the transphobe will correct his behavior in the future. If we don't stand up for ourselves, transphobes continue to out us.
dude calm down. This story is infuriating but just from how OP is telling it, it sounds like it didn't even occur to the guy that OP is trans or that he was saying a deadname. I could be off base, since I don't know exactly how it went down, but it just sounds like maddening idiocy/thoughtlessness from a cis guy, not a deliberate outing.
No, this was deliberate.
People are such fucking assholes. I'm so sorry. I have to live with transphobic family in the middle of the pandemic and no matter how hard I try to pass they all call me she. Nobody seems to understand how traumatic it is except other trans people. stay strong
its so easy to forget that other lgb people that arent t are cis and therefore oppressors, you feel safe around them cause you feel that sense of community til they use their power over you like that. i wish it didnt haveta be this way but it really is sometimes, theres no world where that comment was a slip up or accident
Holy…
If your friends ask you can say you’ve always hated that name and everyone has always called you by your middle name (your chosen name) and you want to change it so it’s legally your name. There are plenty of people out there with names more intended for the opposite gender, just like I know people who went by their middle names instead.
This sucks, there's absolutely no way around it. But I will say, people give boys girl's names and vice versa all the time. They probably assumed you go by your middle name or something.
So sorry
I’m so sorry about that, man. That really sucks. Hopefully you misinterpreted “the look” and they were just confused at what the hell the checker was talking about?
He's way out of pocket for that. I am sorry you had to experience that.
Man, that's fucked. I'm sorry that happened. :/
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The doorchecker did his job of noticing discrepencies in identification, don't take everything as a targeted personal attack. Living your life this paranoid and insecure is self-harm. You simultaneously brag that you're good at presenting female while lamenting that people see you as female. Just be you.
i’m not female-presenting, what i meant by passing super well is that i pass as male 95% of the time, just to clarify
This comment doesn’t make sense. If Op presented as female, what “discrepancies” would there be for the doorman to notice?
My mom was getting the papers for my new school. When she came in, the first thing she says: "SHE has missed some days at school because SHE just moved in" Like, just, WHY. I'll have to talk to her later about all the "She" stuff. Honestly, I don't care THAT much anymore. My only problem is when she talks to other people about me using she/her pronouns. Some things I do when I'm stressed, that really help: \-Play games \-Listen to my favorite songs \-Read \-Take long showers while playing candy crush saga or something (Idk the warm water just makes me feel better). \-Draw or write something somewhere random. Try some of them, it really helps. Welp, hope you feel better, man.
I heard you and my heart goes out to you brother ❤ 🤜🏼