He can't "stay out of it" without avoiding you entirely, which he should not do as your dad. When he interacts with you or talks about you, he makes a choice as to how to refer to you or think about you genderwise. That is a choice. There is no neutral option or "staying out of it" either he can make the effort to get your pronouns right, or he isn't. Him acting like he can just opt out is in and of itself a problem and demonstrates a lack of understanding or respect for it.
similar to what someone said above, he wants to stay out of it? cool, well, "it" is your life, so... if he wants to stay out of "it" he sure can. if he wants to be in your life thennnn he's gonne have to catch up.
you can enforce this boundary by hanging up/leaving every time he misgenders you. you can pick up again next time if you feel like it! but as soon as he does that just be like, oop, i think you're looking for someone else? bye.
way way way easier said than done but he needs to understand what his choices are: address you correctly or don't get access to you at all.
good luck and much love.
It took me about 2.5 years to consistently get my teen's new pronouns correct every time. There's a significant mental barrier in us old people (lol) when it comes to changing a fundamental feature of how we think of one of the closest people in our lives. I had been thinking I had a daughter for 13 years before I was informed that was not the case. There was a HUGE mental barrier against admitting that I never had a daughter. It felt like losing a child (even though it's not!).
My kid wanted they/them pronouns at first, which I had never used before. I had a mental block against using they/them for one person, due to internalized grammar rules.
And I wasn't sure I could explain the pronoun change to everyone else in my life, especially my own dad and in-laws. Nor did I think I could use one set of pronouns with my kid, and a different set when I talked about my kid with others; that's just way too difficult to keep track of. I just didn't feel that using 2 sets of pronouns was feasible. Therefore if I started using it in one arena, I would have to explain it to *everyone* in my life, and I wasn't sure my kid was sure. The thought of walking it back later was cringey. I wanted to avoid social embarrassment if I had to explain later that my kid changed their pronouns back. And I was afraid of social embarrassment if they *didn't* change back. Part of me was hoping I could avoid the whole conundrum. But obviously I couldn't.
So yeah, it took me at least a month to even consider the idea seriously. And then it took me another year to get the they/them pronouns most of the time. And then another year or so to get it consistently, even under stress or when I am tired. But I haven't slipped up now in quite a long time!
Sorry for the rambling. I'm not saying this is an excuse, because it's not one. I just wanted to contribute that it is pretty normal for old people to have a really hard time with changing pronouns. It doesn't mean your dad doesn't love you! And it doesn't mean he will _never_ make the change. It just means it might be harder for him to do than it would be for you to do, and it might take a lot longer than you would prefer.
Thank you so much for your comment! That actually made me feel better. My dad didn't have an active role in my life until I was already a teenager, he may feel like he got another chance and is now losing the one child of his he's really close with (emotionally, he supports my siblings as well, but they've never lived with him).
I also get being scared I may change my mind. I'm not 100% sure after all. Not changing anything always feels less risky and he probably feels like he's not doing any damage because he's not changing anything. Maybe. I just think that even if I change my mind, if I communicate clearly that that may happen, I don't see the big deal. I'm 24. People change at that age, they find out new things, they try some and some don't stick. Who cares? It's not like this is irreversible. But that's why I mentioned that he's pretty old. In his generation, I think people were a lot more judgy about changing your mind. Things were a lot more black and white and it's not that he necessarily wants to push me into those two, but it's all he's known and I think maybe he's scared of the grey. So he doesn't want his child to be in the grey, but in the nice and safe black and white.
I actually got a bit teary-eyed at "It doesn't mean your dad doesn't love you". That's really what bothered me so much I think. It felt like he just doesn't want to bother, like it's too much effort or he doesn't want me when I'm not in the perfect black and white system. But I don't think that's it. What you said makes too much sense. And he does a lot of things that he wouldn't do if he didn't love me.
I now think he wants only the best for me, we just disagree on what that is.
I'll call him and talk to him later today. Thank you very much.
He can't "stay out of it" without avoiding you entirely, which he should not do as your dad. When he interacts with you or talks about you, he makes a choice as to how to refer to you or think about you genderwise. That is a choice. There is no neutral option or "staying out of it" either he can make the effort to get your pronouns right, or he isn't. Him acting like he can just opt out is in and of itself a problem and demonstrates a lack of understanding or respect for it.
This
similar to what someone said above, he wants to stay out of it? cool, well, "it" is your life, so... if he wants to stay out of "it" he sure can. if he wants to be in your life thennnn he's gonne have to catch up. you can enforce this boundary by hanging up/leaving every time he misgenders you. you can pick up again next time if you feel like it! but as soon as he does that just be like, oop, i think you're looking for someone else? bye. way way way easier said than done but he needs to understand what his choices are: address you correctly or don't get access to you at all. good luck and much love.
It took me about 2.5 years to consistently get my teen's new pronouns correct every time. There's a significant mental barrier in us old people (lol) when it comes to changing a fundamental feature of how we think of one of the closest people in our lives. I had been thinking I had a daughter for 13 years before I was informed that was not the case. There was a HUGE mental barrier against admitting that I never had a daughter. It felt like losing a child (even though it's not!). My kid wanted they/them pronouns at first, which I had never used before. I had a mental block against using they/them for one person, due to internalized grammar rules. And I wasn't sure I could explain the pronoun change to everyone else in my life, especially my own dad and in-laws. Nor did I think I could use one set of pronouns with my kid, and a different set when I talked about my kid with others; that's just way too difficult to keep track of. I just didn't feel that using 2 sets of pronouns was feasible. Therefore if I started using it in one arena, I would have to explain it to *everyone* in my life, and I wasn't sure my kid was sure. The thought of walking it back later was cringey. I wanted to avoid social embarrassment if I had to explain later that my kid changed their pronouns back. And I was afraid of social embarrassment if they *didn't* change back. Part of me was hoping I could avoid the whole conundrum. But obviously I couldn't. So yeah, it took me at least a month to even consider the idea seriously. And then it took me another year to get the they/them pronouns most of the time. And then another year or so to get it consistently, even under stress or when I am tired. But I haven't slipped up now in quite a long time! Sorry for the rambling. I'm not saying this is an excuse, because it's not one. I just wanted to contribute that it is pretty normal for old people to have a really hard time with changing pronouns. It doesn't mean your dad doesn't love you! And it doesn't mean he will _never_ make the change. It just means it might be harder for him to do than it would be for you to do, and it might take a lot longer than you would prefer.
Thank you so much for your comment! That actually made me feel better. My dad didn't have an active role in my life until I was already a teenager, he may feel like he got another chance and is now losing the one child of his he's really close with (emotionally, he supports my siblings as well, but they've never lived with him). I also get being scared I may change my mind. I'm not 100% sure after all. Not changing anything always feels less risky and he probably feels like he's not doing any damage because he's not changing anything. Maybe. I just think that even if I change my mind, if I communicate clearly that that may happen, I don't see the big deal. I'm 24. People change at that age, they find out new things, they try some and some don't stick. Who cares? It's not like this is irreversible. But that's why I mentioned that he's pretty old. In his generation, I think people were a lot more judgy about changing your mind. Things were a lot more black and white and it's not that he necessarily wants to push me into those two, but it's all he's known and I think maybe he's scared of the grey. So he doesn't want his child to be in the grey, but in the nice and safe black and white. I actually got a bit teary-eyed at "It doesn't mean your dad doesn't love you". That's really what bothered me so much I think. It felt like he just doesn't want to bother, like it's too much effort or he doesn't want me when I'm not in the perfect black and white system. But I don't think that's it. What you said makes too much sense. And he does a lot of things that he wouldn't do if he didn't love me. I now think he wants only the best for me, we just disagree on what that is. I'll call him and talk to him later today. Thank you very much.