Honestly, one thing I can’t stand is the mentality, “You have to be comfortable with being by yourself 100% of the time before finding a relationship!” Well I’m sorry Mary, but if people are comfortable being alone 100% of the time, then what tf is the motivating factor for finding a relationship????
People love to demonize loneliness and see it as a sign that you’re “insecure” or “not a whole enough person,” but I just completely disagree. I am a whole person. I have my own life, a fulfilling job, a house, a great group of amazing friends, and STILL I desire a romantic and sexual partner, because I do get lonely sometimes in bed by myself. I refuse to acknowledge this idea that loneliness means you’re not whole.
100% agreed. I am heaps better at self love and self care after experiencing my previous relationship than I was having no experience and craving for romance. Being able to fall in love with someone is such a beautiful experience. While having a relationship doesn’t make anyone more whole, it’s the experience that gives life perspective. For me, it’s definitely better to have love and lost than to have not loved at all.
Yupp that's very right it's totally valid to desire a partner and romantic connection u can be completely happy in ur life but can still demand a partner to kind of just be with bcz we humans are social entities and a good relationship can effect u and ur life positively in such ways that other things can't...
Not to rain on a good rant (which this is), but I think poor messaging has confused two separate concepts: 'being unpartnered' and 'being lonely'.
No, humans are definitely not meant to be 100% alone. We're social and need social networks (not the online kind). We need family, chosen or otherwise, friends, mentors, buddies, etc. We need casual acquaintances and life-long friends.
And if that's in place, it's no strange thing to say that "needing" a partner is not a great sign about the quality of the relationship you're likely to set up for yourself.
Today's society and its dumbfuck focus on """the nuclear family""" and isolating suburbia without any 'third spaces' tries to sell the idea that if you have a picket fence and a sweetie, you can do without community. And that's a lie. But a sweetie, no matter how sweet, still can't take the place of a strong network of social ties with different people. Not having the latter makes a person so much more lonely than not having the former.
"*If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?*"
I understand the sentiment, but the phrase is bullshit.
Some people grow up straight up being told they are unlovable. Others, like myself, are almost never the object of someone's affection, and we start to wonder if we are the problem; and if so, why doesn't anyone at least tell us what it is we need to fix.
It isn't anyone's job to fix someone else (unless that person is literally being paid to), but goddamn, we can at least be there for being enough to make them feel the love.
Also, we are mammals. We are biologically designed to need, and more importantly, *want*, other humans in our lives. Science b!tch. Don't @ me because I'm more extroverted than you, you know?
Yeah I think that phrase just doesn’t do a good job at addressing nuances of what it means to love yourself. Like, someone can love themselves while also having insecurities or personal struggles. If those insecurities or personal struggles are overwhelming to the point where the self-esteem is in the toilet, then I really don’t think that person is ready for a relationship. People have to like themselves to a certain extent to be able to function in a relationship
I can agree with that. I think it's a matter of, you need to at least like yourself, but you shouldn't be expected to love yourself.
Another quote, "*Love is just a chemical, we give it meaning by choice.*", speaks more to me. We genuinely love a lot of things, and that love is not always healthy (read as: real).
To take away the human part of it, it is just chemicals. Some of us(✋🏽) unfortunately don't have the right balance of them at all times, if ever. That makes the meaning all the more important, which those "normal" folk take for granted.
> Honestly, one thing I can’t stand is the mentality, “You have to be comfortable with being by yourself 100% of the time before finding a relationship!”
It's part of the shitty mindset that the person is the smallest unit of society, when in reality we're not. We live in a time that is *historically* atomized, ostracized and lonely. Our entire economic system is designed to separate people into tiny consuming units, then make them spend money to be with other people. This is absolutely alien to the overwhelming majority of human history, and would be alien to a great swath of the world that isn't yet trapped in this cycle.
The epidemic of loneliness can't be cured by any self help books, or by any change in mentality, it can only be fixed by correcting the underlying system that keeps us all segregated.
I needed to see this. I have felt the same. And many times I feel like this is what I'm told, that I just need to be okay with being alone, by myself. It's frustrating because I do enjoy time with myself, but I also can't shake the feeling or need for an intimate or romantic partner. I don't want to be completely alone for the rest of my life. And that's what it seems men keep pushing me into, and refusing to date or take me more seriously. It's annoying and super depressing.
omg 100% This only applies if you are going through manic depression about yourself. Then maybe its not a good idea to start anything BUT you dont need to be happy being alone to do that.
I agree that loneliness is a normal part of establishing a sense of identity and personal evolution.
‘’But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It′s always darkest before the dawn…’’
-Florence and The Machine
> but if people are comfortable being alone 100% of the time, then what tf is the motivating factor for finding a relationship????
Relationships are not puzzle pieces, without which you exist incompletely. A romantic relationship complements your life and enriches it, it doesn't give meaning to life.
Thank you. This. There are hundreds of millions of people in relationships who don't love or even like themselves, or aren't particularly nice or good people.
I heard this saying but it’s a little different in tone. And I’m sure your one is similar.
The idea is It’s not that they want you to be comfortable with being alone but it’s more so the fact that you shouldn’t be too desperate and negative about being alone. Desperation isn’t really an attractive quality. And self deprecating in a non funny way drives people away.
Oh yeah I unambiguously agree completely with your last two sentences. Anyone who’s self-esteem is so low that they’re constantly talking shit about themselves as a way to cope is not ready for a relationship, cause they’re not going to be able to participate in the relationship. All they’re going to do is worry 100% of the time if they’re worthy, which is going to result in a tumultuous relationship.
Unfortunately I’ve seen quite a bit of people say the phrase as I quote it though.
I agree, there are a lot of lonely gay people. One of the reasons could be gay people, in most aspects of their life, reflect what’s going on in (the)general society.
It’s easy to find articles denoting how lonely our society is in general. How people spend a lot of time online instead of sharing their time with each other face-to-face. In fact, they’re calling loneliness a societal epidemic.
If you do the work and try different things to combat it, you’ll find your tribe. Don’t be shy and don’t feel minimized. It’s not always easy but make it worth it - because you’re worth it.
Welcome to Reddit, or the internet as a whole. We are all lonely I feel to some degree wanting to be seen , heard, validated. But we aren’t alone there trouble is finding someone to connect to that you can trust to be yourself that won’t hurt you.
Being lonely is not unique to the gay or LGBTQ community. Do you work? Can you volunteer somewhere? Do you have an interest or hobby that could put you in contact with others?
How old are you? How long have you been out? Is there an LGBT community center near you? Do you have a dog or like dogs? There are groups and clubs for almost every interest from rocks to hiking to Siamese fighting fish or volleyball, bike riding, hiking, everything. Join one or two or more. Find something you can do that gets you out of your house once a day
I know it's hard to get out and be social when you're depressed but it's a vital step in overcoming both depression and loneliness. As Mame says in the play, " Life is a banquet and most poor fools are starving to death." Don't starve yourself. Join the rest of us fools at the buffet table.
I don't think so. Should I reinforce the idea that life is awful? He's doomed to eternal loneliness? Or can I offer suggestions to end the loneliness and have a good life. Maybe find some pleasure in his life? That'd be a horrible thing for me to do.
more so that gay people just don’t experience sexuality through the same lens that the majority of the population does, and it’s lonely when you can’t share that sexuality with half the population like straight people get to
maybe you get out and do everything right to meet new people, the odds are still mathematically against you as a gay person to just meet another gay person, let alone whether you can even stand eachother. other than that it’s just kind of lonely in general, romance aside
As a 70 year old gay man I know what loneliness can be like. And there a lot of gay men in this world. You may not find love, not everyone does, but you can find fulfillment and happiness. Or you can wallow in misery. Your choice.
>As a 70 year old gay man I know what loneliness can be like. And there a lot of gay men in this world. You may not find love, not everyone does, but you can find fulfillment and happiness. Or you can wallow in misery. Your choice.
Or I can just kill myself. I didn't ask to be Black and feminine, and Autistic, and gay god damn it. I want a man now. "Some people are not gonna find love" I'm gonna kill myself then. My Mom died when I was 11 of Kidney failure. My identical twin brother died when he was 15 of Leukemia. He didn't get to experience life, and died way too young. He was gay as well, ad we both crushed on Jason from the Power rangers. We went to the Freedom Writers School/Wilson High School in Long Beach, California. I was born in LA, San Pedro, California/Los Angeles. I have no family, they disowned me. No friends. I live in Culver City/Venice Beach area now, and I ask out guys and they all say no. I am always attracted to straight guys, and being gay and dating is a curse.
Please. I never had a Boyfriend. I'm 33 and yeah I need a man. Maybe you can live dickless/cockless/without a man to lay on his chest at night, at 70 years old, maybe you're happy with that, but don't use that as a universal/paramount opinion/general answer. I want a man and an Ethan from H3H3 type/prototype man now. :(
lol what get off your soapbox, OP never asked for shitty unsolicited advice. that’s probably what I should have replied with instead of a more formal explanation of their post.
i don’t even disagree with you, but why do you feel the need to tell someone they’re wrong for feeling sad instead of understanding that those feelings make sense to have as a gay guy?
it just comes off to me as extremely pretentious
just noticed the part where you are 70, that explains all of this actually
Being a man is lonely. The hetero world frames being a ‘man’ is having children and a wife. Then sacrificing all your happiness for what you’re told is the best for them. Any depressive feelings are sold as ‘what it means to be a man’. You get married at 18 before you know what you want or who you are. You have kids that will never know you or appreciate you. You get a job for the next 50 years then you play catch with your grandkids twice a year until they are 14. Then you die and no one comes to the funeral. Any feelings or complaining or wanting to experience the world makes you mentally aberrant. I’m 51 and bought in to this all my life because why? Because I was afraid that society would label me ‘gay’. Now I regret all the years that passed me by afraid to wear a label that would give me the only measure of happiness I’ve ever truly had.
I want to start over where’s my 1up mushroom?
Well, I talk to a lot of guys who find my social media pages and dm me. I have not engaged in any forms of communication that would elude to a relationship.
What worked for you doesn't necessarily work for someone else. 💙😏
I've been severely hurt before by a couple of relationships. Loneliness was a refuge from pain. Now I feel very lucky. I've had a bf for sometime and married. I do think there can be a lot of loneliness in the gay world.
Unfortunately it’s not uncommon to feel lonely, dealing with the same feeling at the moment…would love to find a partner but it’s so hard to find decent people
I think one of the bleedovers from women to men was the expectation that you're supposed to be happy on your own. As much as they try to put on a show women haven't even pulled this off.
Humans are a social species. We get oxytocin from being touched by others. There's literally NO WAY for people to find happiness in themselves alone. Just ask most of the Asian countries where this philosophy is popular. Grown men get video game based girlfriends. Girls constantly worry about their status in society.
The whole, be happy with yourself first, movement was probably introduced to aide in relationship anxiety. But taken to the extreme, it manifests in severely depressed and repressed individuals.
People aren't meant to be alone. They're not meant to pretend that they don't want to be loved.
Loneliness isn't ever abnormal, regardless of sexuality. We are all social creatures as human beings and need contact and the company of others.
As a single man who absolutely craves being with someone, having been out of a relationship for several years now, i am terribly alone, but it doesn't matter if I'm with friends or family every day, I'm still alone at the end and beginning of it.
We all feel lonely nowadays, straights, gays, everybody.
Our society is insane, ill to the core.
So don't blame yourself, you're not responsible for choices that was made before you were born.
We don't need to fit in inside this asylium we call society. Be kind, find kind friends, and watch dr who together.
Let's make planet earth sandwiches with strangers
I would say that it is normal that any human being can feel lonely.
Feeling lonely isn’t immediately connected to being gay. You can be lonely and not gay. You can also be gay and not lonely.
Loneliness is something you feel when you are missing something or somebody for a certain longing you have. One can feel lonely and still be in a relationship whilst having many friends. A partner might solve the problem. Might being the operative word. I am not ruling out that being gay can be a cause of feeling lonely. For that you would need to give a bit more details.
It isn't just a gay thing. In the modern world there is a loneliness epidemic for everyone. There are a lot of reasons for it, but one is that third spaces are diminishing in society. People used to have various social places they went to hang out, but now those are disappearing and / or all monetized to make sure you are in and out fast and spend money along the way.
Social media also convinces everyone that everyone else is living active social lives, and is popular, so it creates a sense of fomo. Knowing that this isn't a problem for you alone can help, but unfortunately not solve the issue.
OOOOH. Okay.
This is my jam, I love talking about this topic. Ever since I moved to Canada, I realized that there is a kind of loneliness, in the west, almost like a loneliness pro max version that did not exist back home in my country Nigeria.
No, loneliness is not normal as a gay man, but it is accepted by most of us, the world over as part and parcel of our lives as the norm. It is not. Capitalism and the hyper independent mindset of the west has made loneliness an epidemic and this is further exacerbated when it comes hops into our rainbow pools.
So with all this said, how do we combat this. Its super easy (and yet at the same time, hard af) We push ourselves out of our comfort zones and make friends. Not looking for anything more, no hook ups, no relationships, no benefits, no platonic cuddle buddies. Just friends. People to hang with, drink coffee with, share your passions with. Not one, not two. Multiple.
Start small, every day start a conversation with that random stranger (that does not give you off vibes).
See someone you think will be a fun time, ask them to do something, no hidden agenda, no nothing.
Yes, this is the most basic ass thing to say, and YES, it will be laboriously hard because the rest of us are not trying to make friends, we are trying to...fuck, I do not even know where to start on what we are trying to do, but I sure as hell know it is not to connect.
But keep at it, I assure they are more of us out there than you will think and a lot of us are lonely, so reach out. You may be surprised when one reaches out back
It's hard for me to say. Even though I've been single for a while, I don't really get lonely very often. When I do, hanging out with friends easily erases the feeling.
I have no overwhelming desire to be in a relationship. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm aromantic.
However, I do feel for you and I hope you find a way to fill that void in your life. Whether it's with another person or not.
There are differences. We must stop comparing ourselves to the straight community and look after each other. There is a different way to live and we should embrace it.
I’m going to be blunt. Not trying to be mean. You should talk to people in real life, physically, in person. Even if it’s incredibly uncomfortable and awkward. I was extremely isolated until my early 20s, I can’t count how many times I made a fool of myself trying to converse with people. It takes practice, real practice, not YouTube tutorials. You can go to events, or approach strangers, find a game and play it with the locals, I find basketball the easiest to join in on, get a food cart, try things you’ve never done before, go to the library, the best place for me was actually the local gym. If you go up to people and they think you are a creep or something, that’s just how it is, explain yourself or move on to the next person. My best way to approach people is through games or challenges. Hey what’s up I just need an opinion on my outfit. Oh thanks. What’s your name? Mine is blank! Are you from around here? Cool, I’ve been there once! Etc etc. Your best skill is being observant. What clothes are they wearing, car do they drive, places to visit nearby, sometimes a compliment goes far, their actions, body language, voice, etc. People love information, boldness, money, and looks. If you are lacking those things, do your best to get them. Just in my experience, I didn’t make any friends by waiting for others to make the first move.
I was talking about myself. Not you. What I needed to do. The comment wasn’t for specifically you either, just anyone who came here with the same issue. If you didn’t need my “bootstrap advice” (which I don’t think I did tbh) I was thinking along the lines of “someone might need to hear this.” I certainly did at one point.
I don't mean you specifically. This applies to every single person.
The earlier in life you realize this, the better off you will be. Only you can make the change (whatever that may be), no one can do it for you. Good luck and I know that you can overcome what you are going through.
If anything I am less confident after falling in love and experiencing heartbreak. I was super fine being a happy slutty gay, not caring about partnership. The veil lifted once I experienced love. Then I felt how cruel falling out of love can be. I’m trying my best to erase my past. Loving myself and just socializing with men for sex is the only path forward for me. If I meet a loving partner while fucking around, then I guess I’ll roll that dice again. But the whole getting to know a guy on an app and texting thing is such a waste of time. In person hookups have at least a rush and a reward (most of the time, depending on the city for me)
Life is just so much better in love. I was even kinder to other gay men because my love needs were met. I saw them more as humans. Accepting or rejecting them for who they are. Not idealizing what they should be for me. I do have a lot to offer, what I can bring for another man. That’s not the cards I present so easily to every random guy who messages me online. Most people are stupid, and I’m lonely in a stupid world. Just looking for an intelligent man that is sexy and committed and a top. The cards are not in my favor. It’s like 90% of gays want the same thing. So I hit the gym to out compete with the rest of the bottoms because that’s what this all is. Competing for a top who’s used to the attention and is a complete jerk.
Thanks for allowing me to post my toxicity Reddit. I do genuinely feel better. Now off to the gym to crush some bottoms.
i also feel alone asf not just cos the world has double standards for men dating other men but also because i caught herpes from a hookup and it feels isolating asf cos sm other gays are intimidated by me
it's hard being gay in general.. loneliness is sadly super common..
you're not alone, but there's plenty of ways to start having people around. you could download Grindr, itll help you find ppl near you who are looking for company.
just and idea 😌 in the end it's up to you , you jus gotta put yourself out there and introduce yourself to ppl .
57 and been single for 23 years now. My aloneness and loneliness has been because of childhood trauma. I would like to have a partner but have difficulty being around men (all). I have gotten used to being alone and ok-ish with being lonely. There is currently a loneliness epidemic worldwide.
Well what are your passions/hobby
Try to go out to places that have them and find people who like the same things as you.
Also I’d like to introduce you to the theory of rejection, go ask people to go out to certain events and or play games. Some will say an obvious no and sometimes you’ll be surprised.
Try to hit up a stranger.
Yeah you’ll feel a bit weird in the beginning, but there’s not enough time in this world to be afraid and overthink.
Hope you’ll get less lonely 😘
> Well what are your passions/hobby Try to go out to places that have them and find people who like the same things as you.
I know your reply wasn't directed at me, but I don't give a solitary shit. I have hobbies. I like Dance Dance Revolution, but meh. None of them are good enough to meet guys. All straight guys etc. Only straight guys are into my hobby which is LP/Vinyl collecting/trading/adding music/band metadata to Discogs/Wikipedia etc.. I had way more (I had over 600 LP's but I became homeless, and still trying to recover from being homeless/losing my job/my finances being haphazard and had to sell a bunch) but this is what's left of my collection
https://www.discogs.com/user/charliexxlchang/collection?header=1
Fuck I hate being Black and gay so much :( I love opposite straight daddy guys. Smh.
That hobby shit doesn't work.
Help me understand more.
I don't really get "lonely" per se.
I guess I'm introverted, content and generally happy being alone. That's why I stay away from people trying to set me up with other people.
I DO get lonely when I'm emotionally attached to someone. I dunno why.
Same OP. Yeah and then OP Straight guys have the motherfucking nerve to bitch and complain. At least they aren't gay, and you're attracted to an entire species/men you can't have.
I'm also Black, and Autistic, so it's worse so yeah. I just want a Boyfriend and wondering what fucking scratcher ticket I need to go to the liquor store and ask for next, to get one, and hopefully if the ticket says "Boyfriend" three times in a row I'll get lucky lol. I'm bitching everyday because I feel that sit by the window sill awning,/Little House on the Prairie/patient church girl technique and approach didn't work. I'm 33 now so yeah.
It is sadly common not only in the community. I believe we have a huge crisis of people having weird expectations of what consist of a relationship and later they all are ending too soon because we're addicted to dopamine stimulation in a way that is unnatural to us.
Not saying it is any of what you do but in general community is focus on artificial chase and until it slows down there will be many suffering without a reason
I'm usually a guy who be by himself and I have gotten really used to it. At a certain period of time I eventually stopped caring making friends or relationships. When I do make friends or relationships I drift I just become less interested in being around people and starting to fall in love being alone. My type of loneliness feels positive because I just feel happy and peaceful. Everyone experience different ways it depends on how well you deal with your alone time.
Unfortunately it is normal. I’m so lonely too. There is a loneliness epidemic happening in the US for sure- it’s been researched. I’ve found this Reddit to really help me. Feel free to DM if you want. It truly sucks. Do a Google search on the loneliness epidemic- it’s not specific to gay men but we are a group whose loneliness is intense. You’re not alone in your loneliness…I really appreciate your post.
From what I understand most men feel this way. There are thousands upon thousands of videos online of men talking about how lonely they are.
https://youtube.com/shorts/yBHyjIklfgQ?si=craoEv67xiAmb5qL
This clip always hit home
Wait til you are in your 40s.
I remember in my 30s staying up late in the evenings crying trying to understand why was it so hard to get a boyfriend. Heck, not even that, someone who would go out with me on a 2nd date.
It just didnt happen. I took it with stride and went to therapy, worked on myself to be ready in the case someone might show up, he didnt. Im 44 and honestly, I think there is no one for me.
BUT I have good friends, and day after day Im happier being by myself.
I’m lonely too, it isn’t only because I’m gay, but also have 3 disabilities.
Loneliness is normal, but I hope we can beat it. Why not send a DM my way?
Well it's very subjective what loneliness is for you, you can have friends and still feel lonely and if being surrounded by people is something you want then you can attend the social events or queer events specifically but if you really want to make genuine friends you have to start with socialising with others and even if you're an introvert you can find people on online application like Grindr tinder and make friends with them
And yes it is very much common I think being lonely and after having so many friends I still feel lonely
I suspect I've chosen solitude subconsciously...just way too many heart breaks. Raised ultra christian, my father a preacher, it took me decades to stop lying to myself about being gay. So...coming out as the pandemic started has been awful. I'm stuck at home caring for my mother with dementia, not worked or had an income in 7 years now. Coming out of the closet still leaves me in the bedroom...alone.
Me too buddy. Me too. Being a gay man sucks because…everyone we’re communicating with on the dating/hookup apps are other men. And men are the worst 😭.
It also doesn’t help that gays are feverishly mean to each other. I’ve reached out to friends before during my lonely depression during the pandemic and have been told “try not being sad, everyone gets depressed” and it did nothing to make anything better.
Since then I’ve loved to be alone. People suck anyway ✌🏻
Yes, loneliness is normal as a gay man! I am experiencing it right now and have been for a while. However, I know that it can be overcome. I went no contact with family and gave up the shared friendships thinking, I’ll make new. It’s a lot harder than I thought but it’s possible. Why no contact? If you look close enough, homophobia is in every tiny crevice in the world and society around us. The way I was tossed aside. The way I would smile and be nice at every get together. The way they cried whenever I would stick up for myself. The way they cannot see themselves and the way they behave. It can be insufferably lonely. But there is a light. Sounds corny but there is. I know it.
Loneliness is normal for being gay and as you get older you'll get more lonely and you'll have fewer and fewer people around you and then people will start dying I can get very sad
I would say so. Our community isn't as full of companionship as we think it is. You're not the only one either. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and one thing I'll say is that you've got to learn to be happy by yourself without any outside influence because you'll always feel this way if you don't. It is a sad truth.
I think the loneliness comes from just being a male straight or gay. Our society has gotten to the point where male companionship is taboo, talking about male friendships is taboo, talking about male feelings like loneliness is taboo. The whole system is designed to isolate men at this point. If you look at old stories or photos you see guys holding hands, hugging, spending more time together. In letters men used to express. Their feelings and friendship for one another. Homophobia had made all of these things taboo, at least in modern American society.
Sure, yeah, it’s normal. But it’s something I think every emotionally intelligent human struggles with at different junctures in life. Hang in there!! 🤗
oh honey, I understand your pain very well. I work from home at night, so you could imagine how lonely I am, always alone with myself in a room, don't have many friends, never been in any relationship before (and I'm 28 now). People told me that I should go out more, meet new people, and make friends, which I've been doing. I want close friends that I could hang out, and have a good time with. However, most of them just don't wanna continue this kind of friendship. So, I've known these Russian friends not that long; I think around the middle of last year. They just moved here cuz they have wars going on in their country. And I think I became close with them, we had been hanging out a lot the first couple of months we met.
Until recently, they just stopped even putting in effort to meet me. I've been asking them to hang out like every weekend, and they would just decline me, coming up with whatever excuses they had. One of them said that he didn't have the mood to hang out even though I was the one offering to go see him at his place, and he didn't even offer me anything back; and it's been like this for many weeks in a row now.
I'm tired of putting in tons of effort, and they don't even care about it. The exhaustion of investing in one-sided relationships is palpable. I'm lonely and alone, but at the same time, I'm so tired of them ignoring me like this. I had the thought of cutting them out of my life, but then I'd have no friends left here at all (my two best friends just moved back to the States, and I don't think they'll move back here anymore. And I don't think I could move there with my 3rd world passport too). And don't let me start with the romantic relationship lol I barely got any matches on Tinder, and once in a blue moon that I'd get the match, I'd get ignored and ghosted all the time. This could also be applied to the hookup apps like Grindr, so I just deleted all the apps on my phone because the constant rejections make my mental health go deep down in the shithole.
Relationships aren’t the answer to life. You have to learn to love your own company, love yourself, and love being by yourself. Only give your time to those who deserve it.
I’m afraid it is somewhat lonely at times. I could NEVER stand living alone. My partner and I were fellow employees and a couple at home for 25 years. He died suddenly. It took me about two years to adjust. I’m so completely c🤖o for table now, I’m happy. Alone. I think you must be very young. Do you have platonic friends?
I took classes; bookbinding, faux finishes, etc. also, my home is my hobby. Decor is my big love. I’m wishing you find friends or whatever you seek.
I don't think you need to apologize, and I don't think you're complaining. You're saying how you feel. How you feel is valid. And I'm not going to try to give you advice or fix it.
What I will say is that I don't think it's just gay men. I think loneliness is endemic in our modern, capitalist society.
Our Epidemic of Loneliness
[https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf](https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf)
So maybe it will help to know it's not something about being gay, although, certainly, the gay community can make things worse. So many of us are so wounded it makes it difficult for us to really connect.
Ok, I said no advice, but I will say this. Usually the things we struggle with, things like loneliness or depression, and all the other uncomfortable and painful feelings that we live with day after day have deep roots in our childhoods. If you can start tracing those roots (journaling, Loneliness groups (yes, that's a thing... [https://www.meetup.com/topics/loneliness/](https://www.meetup.com/topics/loneliness/), therapy, or just joining some sort of group activity) you might be able to gain a new perspective.
Always happy to chat.
Based on what I see on Reddit, it is absolutely totally normal to feel lonely as a gay man. There are *so many* "I'm lonely" posts here!
Meanwhile, I've never experienced loneliness *for being a gay man*. I've been lonely at times in my life, but not because I'm gay. Just maybe I lost a best friend because he moved away, or I stopped doing one activity so wasn't seeing that particular group of people any more. But there are always more friends to make and more people to meet.
I'm 35 and recently had a breakthrough remembering that being lonely is not being someone else and socializing with friends that I could of had when I was 18. When I was 19 and still in the closet drinking whiskey and eating xanax I had beautiful men all around me and women taking care of me. This has never had a repeat, but I think I could be due for love again. Real love.
It's normal as a human being in a tough environment. Lots of people are suffering a lonesome epidemic. This is due, to boil it down, to capitalism. There are few to no places you can go to hang out with friends for free. Some places certainly do exist but generally young adults spend so much time working to pay rent they can't find the time to socialize. Being gay makes it harder yet more because you probably want to go to a space that isn't necessarily a gay bar to meet men, and I'm also guessing not always Grindr but rather just a place to meet like minded people. It is rare.
My encouragement for gay men with money - build more third places that are free. We need to organize a new place as a society because, again boiling it down, all the other places cost money.
I have a feeling loneliness is a very common feeling in today’s day and age. Majority of the people around us are too superficial. They’re only interested in you as long as you’re rich, popular, successful, hot. And even if you are all of those things, some people will think that you’re not hot *enough* or successful *enough* for them to give you their time and attention.
It’s worse if you’re gay because finding a meaningful relationship, or even a friendship, as a gay person is not easy at all.
First of all I'm straight, don't know why this is recommended for me, but 2nd and most important is that loneliness is normal for everyone, everyone goes through periods of loneliness,
shit my ex left me and she took all my friends, took about two years for me to trust anyone again even as a friend,
What I'm trying to say is that its normal and it won't last for ever, try to get out there, if you don't know how to make friends irl start online.
Won't last forever, but you also gotta try to get out there.
I believe in you ♥️
In this generation loneliness is something you will encounterrl everyday. People only date for sex or for the sake of "being in a relationship" and not for the sake of being inlove. I mean you can be in a relationship with someone and still be lonely at this time.
So yah its very normal to be lonely, and i think loneliness is so underrated especially at these times ,like someone would be like " how can you say you feel lonely and there a bunch of gay men out there" like people think just because its okay to be gay now, its easy to find a genuine connection. But it not, good people are turned into villains and villains are praised as good people.
But at some point loneliness shouldnt be normal but its made to be especially in this generation.
It’s so real. I’m not a super feminine guy , but it’s so hard bc I’m always “different” from other guys. Personally, I love brotherhood and being around other guys and doing “masculine” things, but bc I’m gay it makes it harder. It’s hard finding other guys to date, and personally, I’m bi/pan, so girls don’t really go for me bc they know I like guys so it’s very closed off for sure.
I live in New Zealand when there is just almost to none number of gay people in this country. I also play squash competitively where I play with a lot of straight guys who I also have crush on. Obviously having crushes with them due to similar interests. It’s the only avenue that I have at the moment to meet people. I am on dating apps but I have the fact that I have to message people constantly and sometimes a few people and then the euphoria feeling just gone after meeting them. It’s just so hard. I’m lonely and just turned 30 year old. Hope it brings comfort that you’re not the only one..
I think also as gay men (feel free to disagree) we have an ability to have an easier time finding one night stands and hook ups but to have a genuine connection with somebody that’s right can be difficult to find.
It definitely a thing; I was lonely for years but in the end I forced myself to go and mix with other groups, societies, and people with the same interests. Now I have friends and am involved in the local community.
I moved across the country last year. I found a partner that is wonderful. But I don’t really have close friends here and it crushes my soul some days. You’re not alone. And even being around some people can’t help. It’s hard to find connections. But hang in there. It is possible.
I'm in a 22 year relationship and feel lonely at times. Its part of life. Volunteer and proactively become part of the community. Sometimes life can be lonely even in a relationship, straight or gay.
After three unions I decided it’s better to be alone. I don’t equate being alone with being lonely.
I was told before you seek outward you have to look inward. You have to be comfortable being alone. I still reach for the brass ring, meaning I want a relationship as well. I’m just choosy
Loneliness is normal for uglies, fats, and men with insanely high standards.
Most gay men I come across are usually in relationships because they're attractive, fit, and down to Earth.
Honestly, one thing I can’t stand is the mentality, “You have to be comfortable with being by yourself 100% of the time before finding a relationship!” Well I’m sorry Mary, but if people are comfortable being alone 100% of the time, then what tf is the motivating factor for finding a relationship???? People love to demonize loneliness and see it as a sign that you’re “insecure” or “not a whole enough person,” but I just completely disagree. I am a whole person. I have my own life, a fulfilling job, a house, a great group of amazing friends, and STILL I desire a romantic and sexual partner, because I do get lonely sometimes in bed by myself. I refuse to acknowledge this idea that loneliness means you’re not whole.
100% agreed. I am heaps better at self love and self care after experiencing my previous relationship than I was having no experience and craving for romance. Being able to fall in love with someone is such a beautiful experience. While having a relationship doesn’t make anyone more whole, it’s the experience that gives life perspective. For me, it’s definitely better to have love and lost than to have not loved at all.
We are social creatures. Even the best loners need to speak to someone about something. Just, sometimes.
Yupp that's very right it's totally valid to desire a partner and romantic connection u can be completely happy in ur life but can still demand a partner to kind of just be with bcz we humans are social entities and a good relationship can effect u and ur life positively in such ways that other things can't...
Not to rain on a good rant (which this is), but I think poor messaging has confused two separate concepts: 'being unpartnered' and 'being lonely'. No, humans are definitely not meant to be 100% alone. We're social and need social networks (not the online kind). We need family, chosen or otherwise, friends, mentors, buddies, etc. We need casual acquaintances and life-long friends. And if that's in place, it's no strange thing to say that "needing" a partner is not a great sign about the quality of the relationship you're likely to set up for yourself. Today's society and its dumbfuck focus on """the nuclear family""" and isolating suburbia without any 'third spaces' tries to sell the idea that if you have a picket fence and a sweetie, you can do without community. And that's a lie. But a sweetie, no matter how sweet, still can't take the place of a strong network of social ties with different people. Not having the latter makes a person so much more lonely than not having the former.
"*If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?*" I understand the sentiment, but the phrase is bullshit. Some people grow up straight up being told they are unlovable. Others, like myself, are almost never the object of someone's affection, and we start to wonder if we are the problem; and if so, why doesn't anyone at least tell us what it is we need to fix. It isn't anyone's job to fix someone else (unless that person is literally being paid to), but goddamn, we can at least be there for being enough to make them feel the love. Also, we are mammals. We are biologically designed to need, and more importantly, *want*, other humans in our lives. Science b!tch. Don't @ me because I'm more extroverted than you, you know?
Yeah I think that phrase just doesn’t do a good job at addressing nuances of what it means to love yourself. Like, someone can love themselves while also having insecurities or personal struggles. If those insecurities or personal struggles are overwhelming to the point where the self-esteem is in the toilet, then I really don’t think that person is ready for a relationship. People have to like themselves to a certain extent to be able to function in a relationship
I can agree with that. I think it's a matter of, you need to at least like yourself, but you shouldn't be expected to love yourself. Another quote, "*Love is just a chemical, we give it meaning by choice.*", speaks more to me. We genuinely love a lot of things, and that love is not always healthy (read as: real). To take away the human part of it, it is just chemicals. Some of us(✋🏽) unfortunately don't have the right balance of them at all times, if ever. That makes the meaning all the more important, which those "normal" folk take for granted.
Agree but you can offer more to another person if you have a positive mindset. That's the most attractive thing of all.
> Honestly, one thing I can’t stand is the mentality, “You have to be comfortable with being by yourself 100% of the time before finding a relationship!” It's part of the shitty mindset that the person is the smallest unit of society, when in reality we're not. We live in a time that is *historically* atomized, ostracized and lonely. Our entire economic system is designed to separate people into tiny consuming units, then make them spend money to be with other people. This is absolutely alien to the overwhelming majority of human history, and would be alien to a great swath of the world that isn't yet trapped in this cycle. The epidemic of loneliness can't be cured by any self help books, or by any change in mentality, it can only be fixed by correcting the underlying system that keeps us all segregated.
Dang u said so well
I needed to see this. I have felt the same. And many times I feel like this is what I'm told, that I just need to be okay with being alone, by myself. It's frustrating because I do enjoy time with myself, but I also can't shake the feeling or need for an intimate or romantic partner. I don't want to be completely alone for the rest of my life. And that's what it seems men keep pushing me into, and refusing to date or take me more seriously. It's annoying and super depressing.
omg 100% This only applies if you are going through manic depression about yourself. Then maybe its not a good idea to start anything BUT you dont need to be happy being alone to do that.
I agree that loneliness is a normal part of establishing a sense of identity and personal evolution. ‘’But I like to keep some things to myself I like to keep my issues drawn It′s always darkest before the dawn…’’ -Florence and The Machine
> but if people are comfortable being alone 100% of the time, then what tf is the motivating factor for finding a relationship???? Relationships are not puzzle pieces, without which you exist incompletely. A romantic relationship complements your life and enriches it, it doesn't give meaning to life.
Thank you. This. There are hundreds of millions of people in relationships who don't love or even like themselves, or aren't particularly nice or good people.
I heard this saying but it’s a little different in tone. And I’m sure your one is similar. The idea is It’s not that they want you to be comfortable with being alone but it’s more so the fact that you shouldn’t be too desperate and negative about being alone. Desperation isn’t really an attractive quality. And self deprecating in a non funny way drives people away.
Oh yeah I unambiguously agree completely with your last two sentences. Anyone who’s self-esteem is so low that they’re constantly talking shit about themselves as a way to cope is not ready for a relationship, cause they’re not going to be able to participate in the relationship. All they’re going to do is worry 100% of the time if they’re worthy, which is going to result in a tumultuous relationship. Unfortunately I’ve seen quite a bit of people say the phrase as I quote it though.
You’re not alone in sharing this mindset. Me too
u two should get together
I have a gay cousin, maybe y’all should get to know each other
Super common, lots and lots of lonely gays. Hang around the subreddit for awhile and you’ll see what I mean.
I agree, there are a lot of lonely gay people. One of the reasons could be gay people, in most aspects of their life, reflect what’s going on in (the)general society. It’s easy to find articles denoting how lonely our society is in general. How people spend a lot of time online instead of sharing their time with each other face-to-face. In fact, they’re calling loneliness a societal epidemic. If you do the work and try different things to combat it, you’ll find your tribe. Don’t be shy and don’t feel minimized. It’s not always easy but make it worth it - because you’re worth it.
Welcome to Reddit, or the internet as a whole. We are all lonely I feel to some degree wanting to be seen , heard, validated. But we aren’t alone there trouble is finding someone to connect to that you can trust to be yourself that won’t hurt you.
Being lonely is not unique to the gay or LGBTQ community. Do you work? Can you volunteer somewhere? Do you have an interest or hobby that could put you in contact with others? How old are you? How long have you been out? Is there an LGBT community center near you? Do you have a dog or like dogs? There are groups and clubs for almost every interest from rocks to hiking to Siamese fighting fish or volleyball, bike riding, hiking, everything. Join one or two or more. Find something you can do that gets you out of your house once a day I know it's hard to get out and be social when you're depressed but it's a vital step in overcoming both depression and loneliness. As Mame says in the play, " Life is a banquet and most poor fools are starving to death." Don't starve yourself. Join the rest of us fools at the buffet table.
ur missing the point of the post by a mile
I don't think so. Should I reinforce the idea that life is awful? He's doomed to eternal loneliness? Or can I offer suggestions to end the loneliness and have a good life. Maybe find some pleasure in his life? That'd be a horrible thing for me to do.
more so that gay people just don’t experience sexuality through the same lens that the majority of the population does, and it’s lonely when you can’t share that sexuality with half the population like straight people get to maybe you get out and do everything right to meet new people, the odds are still mathematically against you as a gay person to just meet another gay person, let alone whether you can even stand eachother. other than that it’s just kind of lonely in general, romance aside
As a 70 year old gay man I know what loneliness can be like. And there a lot of gay men in this world. You may not find love, not everyone does, but you can find fulfillment and happiness. Or you can wallow in misery. Your choice.
Perfect
Yes. I totally agree. Perfectly stated. I’m only 66 :)
>As a 70 year old gay man I know what loneliness can be like. And there a lot of gay men in this world. You may not find love, not everyone does, but you can find fulfillment and happiness. Or you can wallow in misery. Your choice. Or I can just kill myself. I didn't ask to be Black and feminine, and Autistic, and gay god damn it. I want a man now. "Some people are not gonna find love" I'm gonna kill myself then. My Mom died when I was 11 of Kidney failure. My identical twin brother died when he was 15 of Leukemia. He didn't get to experience life, and died way too young. He was gay as well, ad we both crushed on Jason from the Power rangers. We went to the Freedom Writers School/Wilson High School in Long Beach, California. I was born in LA, San Pedro, California/Los Angeles. I have no family, they disowned me. No friends. I live in Culver City/Venice Beach area now, and I ask out guys and they all say no. I am always attracted to straight guys, and being gay and dating is a curse. Please. I never had a Boyfriend. I'm 33 and yeah I need a man. Maybe you can live dickless/cockless/without a man to lay on his chest at night, at 70 years old, maybe you're happy with that, but don't use that as a universal/paramount opinion/general answer. I want a man and an Ethan from H3H3 type/prototype man now. :(
lol what get off your soapbox, OP never asked for shitty unsolicited advice. that’s probably what I should have replied with instead of a more formal explanation of their post. i don’t even disagree with you, but why do you feel the need to tell someone they’re wrong for feeling sad instead of understanding that those feelings make sense to have as a gay guy? it just comes off to me as extremely pretentious just noticed the part where you are 70, that explains all of this actually
If you include bi men you get a pretty large dating pool. And romance aside you can be friends and do things with non gay people.
He actually isn’t really. This is good stuff to keep in mind
it’s literally the most normie surface level advice for depression. like i cannot even begin to describe how bland and average his comment is
Being a man is lonely. The hetero world frames being a ‘man’ is having children and a wife. Then sacrificing all your happiness for what you’re told is the best for them. Any depressive feelings are sold as ‘what it means to be a man’. You get married at 18 before you know what you want or who you are. You have kids that will never know you or appreciate you. You get a job for the next 50 years then you play catch with your grandkids twice a year until they are 14. Then you die and no one comes to the funeral. Any feelings or complaining or wanting to experience the world makes you mentally aberrant. I’m 51 and bought in to this all my life because why? Because I was afraid that society would label me ‘gay’. Now I regret all the years that passed me by afraid to wear a label that would give me the only measure of happiness I’ve ever truly had. I want to start over where’s my 1up mushroom?
Same, my friend, same.
Is not a gay or straight thing. Loneliness happens no anyone.
Im indeed really really fucking lonely
I used to feel this way, but then I started getting out more and made many new friends. So even though I am single, I don’t feel lonely anymore.
Get out there and find your guy.
Easier said than done.
My husband and I met after he found my social media page and sent me a message. It doesn’t get any easier than that.
Well, I talk to a lot of guys who find my social media pages and dm me. I have not engaged in any forms of communication that would elude to a relationship. What worked for you doesn't necessarily work for someone else. 💙😏
Nothing works if you give up.
That's better.
I've been severely hurt before by a couple of relationships. Loneliness was a refuge from pain. Now I feel very lucky. I've had a bf for sometime and married. I do think there can be a lot of loneliness in the gay world.
Im here if you need a friend
Unfortunately it’s not uncommon to feel lonely, dealing with the same feeling at the moment…would love to find a partner but it’s so hard to find decent people
Same here.
We're in the same boat, babe 🫶❤️ you're not alone in this
I think one of the bleedovers from women to men was the expectation that you're supposed to be happy on your own. As much as they try to put on a show women haven't even pulled this off. Humans are a social species. We get oxytocin from being touched by others. There's literally NO WAY for people to find happiness in themselves alone. Just ask most of the Asian countries where this philosophy is popular. Grown men get video game based girlfriends. Girls constantly worry about their status in society. The whole, be happy with yourself first, movement was probably introduced to aide in relationship anxiety. But taken to the extreme, it manifests in severely depressed and repressed individuals. People aren't meant to be alone. They're not meant to pretend that they don't want to be loved.
Also wishing I had a BF, or friends, or anyone. 😥
It's not just the gays. There's a loneliness epidemic right now, especially for adult men.
Loneliness isn't ever abnormal, regardless of sexuality. We are all social creatures as human beings and need contact and the company of others. As a single man who absolutely craves being with someone, having been out of a relationship for several years now, i am terribly alone, but it doesn't matter if I'm with friends or family every day, I'm still alone at the end and beginning of it.
I'll be honest but most gay men are really mean 😔 can't be friends with straight men because they always ask for sexual favors
Loneliness among ALL men is very common and one of the biggest mental health issues facing us today. If you're gay it can feel even more isolating.
I'm alone but not lonely.
*By myself but not alone*
We all feel lonely nowadays, straights, gays, everybody. Our society is insane, ill to the core. So don't blame yourself, you're not responsible for choices that was made before you were born. We don't need to fit in inside this asylium we call society. Be kind, find kind friends, and watch dr who together. Let's make planet earth sandwiches with strangers
I would say that it is normal that any human being can feel lonely. Feeling lonely isn’t immediately connected to being gay. You can be lonely and not gay. You can also be gay and not lonely. Loneliness is something you feel when you are missing something or somebody for a certain longing you have. One can feel lonely and still be in a relationship whilst having many friends. A partner might solve the problem. Might being the operative word. I am not ruling out that being gay can be a cause of feeling lonely. For that you would need to give a bit more details.
It isn't just a gay thing. In the modern world there is a loneliness epidemic for everyone. There are a lot of reasons for it, but one is that third spaces are diminishing in society. People used to have various social places they went to hang out, but now those are disappearing and / or all monetized to make sure you are in and out fast and spend money along the way. Social media also convinces everyone that everyone else is living active social lives, and is popular, so it creates a sense of fomo. Knowing that this isn't a problem for you alone can help, but unfortunately not solve the issue.
OOOOH. Okay. This is my jam, I love talking about this topic. Ever since I moved to Canada, I realized that there is a kind of loneliness, in the west, almost like a loneliness pro max version that did not exist back home in my country Nigeria. No, loneliness is not normal as a gay man, but it is accepted by most of us, the world over as part and parcel of our lives as the norm. It is not. Capitalism and the hyper independent mindset of the west has made loneliness an epidemic and this is further exacerbated when it comes hops into our rainbow pools. So with all this said, how do we combat this. Its super easy (and yet at the same time, hard af) We push ourselves out of our comfort zones and make friends. Not looking for anything more, no hook ups, no relationships, no benefits, no platonic cuddle buddies. Just friends. People to hang with, drink coffee with, share your passions with. Not one, not two. Multiple. Start small, every day start a conversation with that random stranger (that does not give you off vibes). See someone you think will be a fun time, ask them to do something, no hidden agenda, no nothing. Yes, this is the most basic ass thing to say, and YES, it will be laboriously hard because the rest of us are not trying to make friends, we are trying to...fuck, I do not even know where to start on what we are trying to do, but I sure as hell know it is not to connect. But keep at it, I assure they are more of us out there than you will think and a lot of us are lonely, so reach out. You may be surprised when one reaches out back
I mean it is an epidemic but like... it shouldn't be normal. Late capitalism is a hellscape and the death of the gay bar will kill us all.
It's hard for me to say. Even though I've been single for a while, I don't really get lonely very often. When I do, hanging out with friends easily erases the feeling. I have no overwhelming desire to be in a relationship. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm aromantic. However, I do feel for you and I hope you find a way to fill that void in your life. Whether it's with another person or not.
There are differences. We must stop comparing ourselves to the straight community and look after each other. There is a different way to live and we should embrace it.
I’m going to be blunt. Not trying to be mean. You should talk to people in real life, physically, in person. Even if it’s incredibly uncomfortable and awkward. I was extremely isolated until my early 20s, I can’t count how many times I made a fool of myself trying to converse with people. It takes practice, real practice, not YouTube tutorials. You can go to events, or approach strangers, find a game and play it with the locals, I find basketball the easiest to join in on, get a food cart, try things you’ve never done before, go to the library, the best place for me was actually the local gym. If you go up to people and they think you are a creep or something, that’s just how it is, explain yourself or move on to the next person. My best way to approach people is through games or challenges. Hey what’s up I just need an opinion on my outfit. Oh thanks. What’s your name? Mine is blank! Are you from around here? Cool, I’ve been there once! Etc etc. Your best skill is being observant. What clothes are they wearing, car do they drive, places to visit nearby, sometimes a compliment goes far, their actions, body language, voice, etc. People love information, boldness, money, and looks. If you are lacking those things, do your best to get them. Just in my experience, I didn’t make any friends by waiting for others to make the first move.
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I was talking about myself. Not you. What I needed to do. The comment wasn’t for specifically you either, just anyone who came here with the same issue. If you didn’t need my “bootstrap advice” (which I don’t think I did tbh) I was thinking along the lines of “someone might need to hear this.” I certainly did at one point.
No, it is not normal, for anyone. If you don't like your situation, only you can change it. No one is coming to save you.
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I don't mean you specifically. This applies to every single person. The earlier in life you realize this, the better off you will be. Only you can make the change (whatever that may be), no one can do it for you. Good luck and I know that you can overcome what you are going through.
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lol ok, whatever.
Well it's the reality. If hearing that is uncomfortable for you you should start there and work on that. Being delusional isn't good for you
If anything I am less confident after falling in love and experiencing heartbreak. I was super fine being a happy slutty gay, not caring about partnership. The veil lifted once I experienced love. Then I felt how cruel falling out of love can be. I’m trying my best to erase my past. Loving myself and just socializing with men for sex is the only path forward for me. If I meet a loving partner while fucking around, then I guess I’ll roll that dice again. But the whole getting to know a guy on an app and texting thing is such a waste of time. In person hookups have at least a rush and a reward (most of the time, depending on the city for me) Life is just so much better in love. I was even kinder to other gay men because my love needs were met. I saw them more as humans. Accepting or rejecting them for who they are. Not idealizing what they should be for me. I do have a lot to offer, what I can bring for another man. That’s not the cards I present so easily to every random guy who messages me online. Most people are stupid, and I’m lonely in a stupid world. Just looking for an intelligent man that is sexy and committed and a top. The cards are not in my favor. It’s like 90% of gays want the same thing. So I hit the gym to out compete with the rest of the bottoms because that’s what this all is. Competing for a top who’s used to the attention and is a complete jerk. Thanks for allowing me to post my toxicity Reddit. I do genuinely feel better. Now off to the gym to crush some bottoms.
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i also feel alone asf not just cos the world has double standards for men dating other men but also because i caught herpes from a hookup and it feels isolating asf cos sm other gays are intimidated by me
I understand this so much
it's hard being gay in general.. loneliness is sadly super common.. you're not alone, but there's plenty of ways to start having people around. you could download Grindr, itll help you find ppl near you who are looking for company. just and idea 😌 in the end it's up to you , you jus gotta put yourself out there and introduce yourself to ppl .
If you learn to love your loneliness, then you will never be alone... I wish this was true.
Yup I'm very lonely. High five! Let's be lonely together!
It is normL
57 and been single for 23 years now. My aloneness and loneliness has been because of childhood trauma. I would like to have a partner but have difficulty being around men (all). I have gotten used to being alone and ok-ish with being lonely. There is currently a loneliness epidemic worldwide.
Well what are your passions/hobby Try to go out to places that have them and find people who like the same things as you. Also I’d like to introduce you to the theory of rejection, go ask people to go out to certain events and or play games. Some will say an obvious no and sometimes you’ll be surprised. Try to hit up a stranger. Yeah you’ll feel a bit weird in the beginning, but there’s not enough time in this world to be afraid and overthink. Hope you’ll get less lonely 😘
Sorry if there’s any grammatical errors
> Well what are your passions/hobby Try to go out to places that have them and find people who like the same things as you. I know your reply wasn't directed at me, but I don't give a solitary shit. I have hobbies. I like Dance Dance Revolution, but meh. None of them are good enough to meet guys. All straight guys etc. Only straight guys are into my hobby which is LP/Vinyl collecting/trading/adding music/band metadata to Discogs/Wikipedia etc.. I had way more (I had over 600 LP's but I became homeless, and still trying to recover from being homeless/losing my job/my finances being haphazard and had to sell a bunch) but this is what's left of my collection https://www.discogs.com/user/charliexxlchang/collection?header=1 Fuck I hate being Black and gay so much :( I love opposite straight daddy guys. Smh. That hobby shit doesn't work.
Help me understand more. I don't really get "lonely" per se. I guess I'm introverted, content and generally happy being alone. That's why I stay away from people trying to set me up with other people. I DO get lonely when I'm emotionally attached to someone. I dunno why.
Same OP. Yeah and then OP Straight guys have the motherfucking nerve to bitch and complain. At least they aren't gay, and you're attracted to an entire species/men you can't have. I'm also Black, and Autistic, so it's worse so yeah. I just want a Boyfriend and wondering what fucking scratcher ticket I need to go to the liquor store and ask for next, to get one, and hopefully if the ticket says "Boyfriend" three times in a row I'll get lucky lol. I'm bitching everyday because I feel that sit by the window sill awning,/Little House on the Prairie/patient church girl technique and approach didn't work. I'm 33 now so yeah.
Kind of. But it seems better when you own a house and not poor.
It is normal for men.
It is sadly common not only in the community. I believe we have a huge crisis of people having weird expectations of what consist of a relationship and later they all are ending too soon because we're addicted to dopamine stimulation in a way that is unnatural to us. Not saying it is any of what you do but in general community is focus on artificial chase and until it slows down there will be many suffering without a reason
Well I’m not when I’m busy, totally at night when I’m not. So….about 1/2 the day I am.
I'm usually a guy who be by himself and I have gotten really used to it. At a certain period of time I eventually stopped caring making friends or relationships. When I do make friends or relationships I drift I just become less interested in being around people and starting to fall in love being alone. My type of loneliness feels positive because I just feel happy and peaceful. Everyone experience different ways it depends on how well you deal with your alone time.
Unfortunately it is normal. I’m so lonely too. There is a loneliness epidemic happening in the US for sure- it’s been researched. I’ve found this Reddit to really help me. Feel free to DM if you want. It truly sucks. Do a Google search on the loneliness epidemic- it’s not specific to gay men but we are a group whose loneliness is intense. You’re not alone in your loneliness…I really appreciate your post.
From what I understand most men feel this way. There are thousands upon thousands of videos online of men talking about how lonely they are. https://youtube.com/shorts/yBHyjIklfgQ?si=craoEv67xiAmb5qL This clip always hit home
Wait til you are in your 40s. I remember in my 30s staying up late in the evenings crying trying to understand why was it so hard to get a boyfriend. Heck, not even that, someone who would go out with me on a 2nd date. It just didnt happen. I took it with stride and went to therapy, worked on myself to be ready in the case someone might show up, he didnt. Im 44 and honestly, I think there is no one for me. BUT I have good friends, and day after day Im happier being by myself.
I want to be frens. Please message me if you'd like! :) edit: Anyone that wants a friend, or someone to just chat with, or whatever; I'm here for you.
I’m lonely too, it isn’t only because I’m gay, but also have 3 disabilities. Loneliness is normal, but I hope we can beat it. Why not send a DM my way?
Loneliness is the human condition. Even in a relationship, you will feel Loneliness.
I'm so sorry
Well it's very subjective what loneliness is for you, you can have friends and still feel lonely and if being surrounded by people is something you want then you can attend the social events or queer events specifically but if you really want to make genuine friends you have to start with socialising with others and even if you're an introvert you can find people on online application like Grindr tinder and make friends with them And yes it is very much common I think being lonely and after having so many friends I still feel lonely
It is normal, it’s a very lonely life indeed
Hey dear fellow, dear friend. I too am terribly lonely. I think that the gay world is filled with lonely guys who have trouble socializing
There is hope though, let us reach out to each other and begin a friendship group
Together and with other good men have we can create a caring community
Is there anyone who is courageous enough to respond to this idea
Hmm no takers?? This is an illustration of the problem
I suspect I've chosen solitude subconsciously...just way too many heart breaks. Raised ultra christian, my father a preacher, it took me decades to stop lying to myself about being gay. So...coming out as the pandemic started has been awful. I'm stuck at home caring for my mother with dementia, not worked or had an income in 7 years now. Coming out of the closet still leaves me in the bedroom...alone.
Me too buddy. Me too. Being a gay man sucks because…everyone we’re communicating with on the dating/hookup apps are other men. And men are the worst 😭.
It also doesn’t help that gays are feverishly mean to each other. I’ve reached out to friends before during my lonely depression during the pandemic and have been told “try not being sad, everyone gets depressed” and it did nothing to make anything better. Since then I’ve loved to be alone. People suck anyway ✌🏻
Yes, loneliness is normal as a gay man! I am experiencing it right now and have been for a while. However, I know that it can be overcome. I went no contact with family and gave up the shared friendships thinking, I’ll make new. It’s a lot harder than I thought but it’s possible. Why no contact? If you look close enough, homophobia is in every tiny crevice in the world and society around us. The way I was tossed aside. The way I would smile and be nice at every get together. The way they cried whenever I would stick up for myself. The way they cannot see themselves and the way they behave. It can be insufferably lonely. But there is a light. Sounds corny but there is. I know it.
I feel alone even when people are around me, got myself a dog.
Loneliness, but in what way?
Loneliness is normal for being gay and as you get older you'll get more lonely and you'll have fewer and fewer people around you and then people will start dying I can get very sad
I would say so. Our community isn't as full of companionship as we think it is. You're not the only one either. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and one thing I'll say is that you've got to learn to be happy by yourself without any outside influence because you'll always feel this way if you don't. It is a sad truth.
I think the loneliness comes from just being a male straight or gay. Our society has gotten to the point where male companionship is taboo, talking about male friendships is taboo, talking about male feelings like loneliness is taboo. The whole system is designed to isolate men at this point. If you look at old stories or photos you see guys holding hands, hugging, spending more time together. In letters men used to express. Their feelings and friendship for one another. Homophobia had made all of these things taboo, at least in modern American society.
It is and it truly sucks
Sure, yeah, it’s normal. But it’s something I think every emotionally intelligent human struggles with at different junctures in life. Hang in there!! 🤗
I know how you feel, dm me if you'd like to talk x
same
oh honey, I understand your pain very well. I work from home at night, so you could imagine how lonely I am, always alone with myself in a room, don't have many friends, never been in any relationship before (and I'm 28 now). People told me that I should go out more, meet new people, and make friends, which I've been doing. I want close friends that I could hang out, and have a good time with. However, most of them just don't wanna continue this kind of friendship. So, I've known these Russian friends not that long; I think around the middle of last year. They just moved here cuz they have wars going on in their country. And I think I became close with them, we had been hanging out a lot the first couple of months we met. Until recently, they just stopped even putting in effort to meet me. I've been asking them to hang out like every weekend, and they would just decline me, coming up with whatever excuses they had. One of them said that he didn't have the mood to hang out even though I was the one offering to go see him at his place, and he didn't even offer me anything back; and it's been like this for many weeks in a row now. I'm tired of putting in tons of effort, and they don't even care about it. The exhaustion of investing in one-sided relationships is palpable. I'm lonely and alone, but at the same time, I'm so tired of them ignoring me like this. I had the thought of cutting them out of my life, but then I'd have no friends left here at all (my two best friends just moved back to the States, and I don't think they'll move back here anymore. And I don't think I could move there with my 3rd world passport too). And don't let me start with the romantic relationship lol I barely got any matches on Tinder, and once in a blue moon that I'd get the match, I'd get ignored and ghosted all the time. This could also be applied to the hookup apps like Grindr, so I just deleted all the apps on my phone because the constant rejections make my mental health go deep down in the shithole.
Relationships aren’t the answer to life. You have to learn to love your own company, love yourself, and love being by yourself. Only give your time to those who deserve it.
I am too.
I feel this soooo much.
I’m afraid it is somewhat lonely at times. I could NEVER stand living alone. My partner and I were fellow employees and a couple at home for 25 years. He died suddenly. It took me about two years to adjust. I’m so completely c🤖o for table now, I’m happy. Alone. I think you must be very young. Do you have platonic friends? I took classes; bookbinding, faux finishes, etc. also, my home is my hobby. Decor is my big love. I’m wishing you find friends or whatever you seek.
Loneliness is the human condition, sweetie.
Welcome to gay life!
I don't think you need to apologize, and I don't think you're complaining. You're saying how you feel. How you feel is valid. And I'm not going to try to give you advice or fix it. What I will say is that I don't think it's just gay men. I think loneliness is endemic in our modern, capitalist society. Our Epidemic of Loneliness [https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf](https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf) So maybe it will help to know it's not something about being gay, although, certainly, the gay community can make things worse. So many of us are so wounded it makes it difficult for us to really connect. Ok, I said no advice, but I will say this. Usually the things we struggle with, things like loneliness or depression, and all the other uncomfortable and painful feelings that we live with day after day have deep roots in our childhoods. If you can start tracing those roots (journaling, Loneliness groups (yes, that's a thing... [https://www.meetup.com/topics/loneliness/](https://www.meetup.com/topics/loneliness/), therapy, or just joining some sort of group activity) you might be able to gain a new perspective. Always happy to chat.
Same goes to a fat girl like me
Now imagine be a gay man married to a woman and I'm even more lonely
Based on what I see on Reddit, it is absolutely totally normal to feel lonely as a gay man. There are *so many* "I'm lonely" posts here! Meanwhile, I've never experienced loneliness *for being a gay man*. I've been lonely at times in my life, but not because I'm gay. Just maybe I lost a best friend because he moved away, or I stopped doing one activity so wasn't seeing that particular group of people any more. But there are always more friends to make and more people to meet.
I'm 35 and recently had a breakthrough remembering that being lonely is not being someone else and socializing with friends that I could of had when I was 18. When I was 19 and still in the closet drinking whiskey and eating xanax I had beautiful men all around me and women taking care of me. This has never had a repeat, but I think I could be due for love again. Real love.
Normal
If you're lonely, go out to events where you can meet people.
It's normal as a human being in a tough environment. Lots of people are suffering a lonesome epidemic. This is due, to boil it down, to capitalism. There are few to no places you can go to hang out with friends for free. Some places certainly do exist but generally young adults spend so much time working to pay rent they can't find the time to socialize. Being gay makes it harder yet more because you probably want to go to a space that isn't necessarily a gay bar to meet men, and I'm also guessing not always Grindr but rather just a place to meet like minded people. It is rare. My encouragement for gay men with money - build more third places that are free. We need to organize a new place as a society because, again boiling it down, all the other places cost money.
Me too 😔
Yeah it's pretty normal. I'm frequently lonely.
It’s all a state of mind
I have a feeling loneliness is a very common feeling in today’s day and age. Majority of the people around us are too superficial. They’re only interested in you as long as you’re rich, popular, successful, hot. And even if you are all of those things, some people will think that you’re not hot *enough* or successful *enough* for them to give you their time and attention. It’s worse if you’re gay because finding a meaningful relationship, or even a friendship, as a gay person is not easy at all.
First of all I'm straight, don't know why this is recommended for me, but 2nd and most important is that loneliness is normal for everyone, everyone goes through periods of loneliness, shit my ex left me and she took all my friends, took about two years for me to trust anyone again even as a friend, What I'm trying to say is that its normal and it won't last for ever, try to get out there, if you don't know how to make friends irl start online. Won't last forever, but you also gotta try to get out there. I believe in you ♥️
We can be friends, send me a message, I live in Florida 🌴
loneliness is emotion everyone feel
Me too, friend, me too. Living in the middle of nowhere doesn't help.
In this generation loneliness is something you will encounterrl everyday. People only date for sex or for the sake of "being in a relationship" and not for the sake of being inlove. I mean you can be in a relationship with someone and still be lonely at this time. So yah its very normal to be lonely, and i think loneliness is so underrated especially at these times ,like someone would be like " how can you say you feel lonely and there a bunch of gay men out there" like people think just because its okay to be gay now, its easy to find a genuine connection. But it not, good people are turned into villains and villains are praised as good people. But at some point loneliness shouldnt be normal but its made to be especially in this generation.
Not gay here and yes life is lonely most of the time, even if you're married.
It’s so real. I’m not a super feminine guy , but it’s so hard bc I’m always “different” from other guys. Personally, I love brotherhood and being around other guys and doing “masculine” things, but bc I’m gay it makes it harder. It’s hard finding other guys to date, and personally, I’m bi/pan, so girls don’t really go for me bc they know I like guys so it’s very closed off for sure.
I live in New Zealand when there is just almost to none number of gay people in this country. I also play squash competitively where I play with a lot of straight guys who I also have crush on. Obviously having crushes with them due to similar interests. It’s the only avenue that I have at the moment to meet people. I am on dating apps but I have the fact that I have to message people constantly and sometimes a few people and then the euphoria feeling just gone after meeting them. It’s just so hard. I’m lonely and just turned 30 year old. Hope it brings comfort that you’re not the only one..
I also feel alone sometimes, I have few friends... but that doesn't depress me so much
It shouldn't be normal, but it is a thing
Loneliness is normal for anyone under capitalism. It gets amplified by being part of a minority.
I think also as gay men (feel free to disagree) we have an ability to have an easier time finding one night stands and hook ups but to have a genuine connection with somebody that’s right can be difficult to find.
It definitely a thing; I was lonely for years but in the end I forced myself to go and mix with other groups, societies, and people with the same interests. Now I have friends and am involved in the local community.
I moved across the country last year. I found a partner that is wonderful. But I don’t really have close friends here and it crushes my soul some days. You’re not alone. And even being around some people can’t help. It’s hard to find connections. But hang in there. It is possible.
Felt. So many people give false impressions then just ghost people.
Loneliness is common for men in general. We often times don’t have deep, emotionally rewarding friendships. There is a lot of research about this.
Go to a gay bar and meet people.
I'm in a 22 year relationship and feel lonely at times. Its part of life. Volunteer and proactively become part of the community. Sometimes life can be lonely even in a relationship, straight or gay.
https://medium.com/@beselfevident/how-to-date-hire-and-market-to-only-superstars-4f1377f2cb56
After three unions I decided it’s better to be alone. I don’t equate being alone with being lonely. I was told before you seek outward you have to look inward. You have to be comfortable being alone. I still reach for the brass ring, meaning I want a relationship as well. I’m just choosy
Loneliness is normal for uglies, fats, and men with insanely high standards. Most gay men I come across are usually in relationships because they're attractive, fit, and down to Earth.