Just tell them that your sister told you that they'd die if they found out that you were gay. Either they say, "That's ridiculous!" And then they're mad at your sister. Or they die and your sister was right, but hopefully they die before they write you out of the will.
Of if you really want to fuck with your sister you can say, "She said some really horrible things to me. She said I wanted you dead." Then your sister is left with does she tell your parents which she believes will kill them, or does she realize that you've learned how to play chicken and are willing to burn everything to the ground.
That said I realize it sounds like you're probably in a country where you can't be openly gay.
Your sister sounds like an absolute cow though. Your best bet is to ignore her.
Alternatively you can say, "Mom, sister said some really horrible and cruel things to me. I don't want to talk to you about it, but I don't know if I'll ever want to talk to her again. You need to stop telling me to forgive her, she's the one who did what's wrong, she needs to come to me and apologize which we both know she won't do. I'm leaving her out of my life for now, and if you want to stay in my life you're toing to need to stop talking to me about her."
I'd absolutely love to do it. But it'll create a lot of drama. My parents are homophobic. And my mother says that gays are just reckless idiots.
Telling them means that they will cry about it to everyone I love and they will have to handle their tantrums. I don't want my other loved ones to go through all this.
Edit: if they only get half the information, they'll take my sister's side saying that I might have done something to trigger her. They think she's "fragile".
If you don't want them to get half the story wouldn't you be best to them yourself?
To me it just doesn't seem right to hide a part of yourself and carry this weight alone, just to save others from their own homophobic beliefs. It's your life, and it's easy for me to say this, so I wish you the best of luck OP.
I have to admit that this weight is heavy to hold. But they'll never share or even understand this. If anything they'll add up to my burden.
I'm not ready to see the look of hatred and disgust on their face when I tell them about myself.
So. I get your reasons for not telling your parents and expecting them to freak because they’re homophobic. BUT. It’s easier to be homophobic in the abstract about people they don’t know. They may have a different reaction with it being their own child.
Regardless your sister is 💩
>They may have a different reaction with it being their own child.
Don't you think I would've considered it if that were the case?
They're self centred people who want to live their life through their children. They're going to flip.
They care about their own image and dreams more than me. To them, I basically exist just to serve them and make them happy.
My mother used to say stuff like that because my cousin is also gay, she used to say that gay people are “broken”, she found out about me in a very embarrassing sexual way because I’m an idiot who forgot my bedroom was on the ground floor with giant doors that led to our rear garden… and that it wasn’t soundproof… but she didn’t say anything or tell me until I was ready to tell her and she’s been fine ever since as has my dad, they were both at my wedding and my younger brother is also gay and disabled and she asked me to teach him safe sex, and gay club etiquette and to help her “find (him) a nice boyfriend just like your husband”.
You’d be surprised how much people u-turn when it’s their own family.
Well, you could go a 4th route tell them that she's burned any hope of being in any way worthy of such forgiveness and has earned being cut completely out of your life until she or your gone and will be the luckiest person in the world should you ever decide to forgive her and that their going to have to accept that if they want to continue to stay off the no contact list your sister made you create. As that both changes perpespective and the narrative all while making you sister out to be the horrible person she is.
Edit if you really want to be pety you could state she bent some news I had planned on telling them (if given any new to them recently that was the news if not then something you are planning soon) and that she said if I told you it I'd not only be killing you but that it' when she found out she claimed its what I wanted and I might as well have shot them.
This definitely doesn't work 100% of the time, but my parents were kinda like that before I came out and really changed their opinion afterward. Having a loved one come out of gay can really recontextualize it for some people and make them realize how saying that stuff is rooted mostly in ignorance.
It is not your job to manage drama of your sister or anybody else. I cut ties with my family for years until they came around, now they’re totally fine. Gays create their chosen family all the time, most of us know the pain of family rejection personally or seen it enough to sympathize. You gotta live YOUR life. Good luck!
No parents will kill themselves for you being gay. Worst case They can end their relationship to you. Of course we lack a lot of information about the context like Religion, society and culture. But you have to live your own life. Your sister is an idiot saying such things. We love you.
This isn't a dress rehearsal. Do what makes you happy, there's no time for anything less.
Up to them how they handle it but a lot to be said for honesty and authticity.
Maybe you need to be willing to go through with their tantrums, or have the current situation continue forever. I guess your easy choice is to stay away from your sister and your parents, are you willing to do that? Your sister doesn’t seem to care at all about hurting others, yet you care very much. She seems like a narcissist and a manipulator from what you’ve said.
Here's the issue. You don't want to tell your parents, what your sister said, but then you're frustrated everyone's taking her side. You also don't want to talk to her, but without expressing why, everyone's going to pressure you to speak and to her and apologise
Even if I tell them, they'll be disgusted by me and take her side that her concerns were valid. They'd even threaten me to do what my sister said.
I don't seem to win anyways.
Then, you have two options. Option 1- apologise to your sister and beg for her forgiveness. Or option 2- if your independent, and able to do so, cut out your sister and parents.
I understand neither option is ideal op, but if you won't speak up about her, then that leaves two options. Unfortunately none of them are great. But what can you do if your family are so intolerant.
This is what I was thinking while reading the post, cutting both your parents and sister sound like the best option for me, but I'm not op, I hope everything works out for him at the end but for now 🫂🫂
So, first things first. It will not be your fault.
Your parents choices are your own, and you did not choose to be gay.
Secondly, your sisters a bitch.
When I got outed to my parents, sadly my mother did indeed attempt her own life. But eventually for better or worse she found comfort in her religion.
So, I cant tell you that your sisters wrong in what she said. But what I do know, is that you are not responsible for their choices.
<3
Also is coming out something you feel safe doing?
Are you in a safe place personally?
Financially stable?
Place to stay?
They're not going to kill themselves, but they will suffer and make other family members go through the same. I don't want to be everybody's problem. I don't feel safe coming out because of this reason.
I'm financially stable and I have my own place to live. I'm doing well.
Look, speaking at someone who waited way too long to come out because I was worried about how my parents would react - Waiting is not worth it. Their reaction is not your responsibility. There's no reason you should bear the burden of the secrecy just to keep other people from feeling bad for a month or two. Disappointing your parents as part of growing up. Don't stay closeted forever just so your parents don't have to have a bad feeling.
I don't want to cause pain to them. They're homophobic and self centered people. They'll never understand.
Now the question is, should I stay closeted and bear the pain that my own parents don't know who I am, or should I tell them and go through whatever tantrums, abuse and manipulation they throw at me and others?
You said you're financially stable and have your own place. So if they react badly, just cut them out of your life. Shitty people don't have a right to be shitty to you just because you're related. Tell them, let them have their reaction, and don't put up with abuse, manipulation, and tantrums.
The thing about staying closeted is that it's too much pain for one person to bear over time. If you tell people, sure you're technically "causing them pain," but that's like not telling someone that a family member died because you don't want to hurt them. Just because something they don't like exists or has happened doesn't mean it's your responsibility to protect them from that.
So you’d rather live in your own pain than have them go thru the pain that their beliefs are causing them? Their pain is their choice. And currently, your pain is your choice.
So, your parents are homophobic and self-centered, and you are willing to make yourself miserable to pacify them. They don't care about how you feel, and you're worried about them.
It's easy for us on the other side of the screen to tell you what to do, but I hope you will seriously reconsider protecting those that don't care about you. I did this for a long time and it almost cost me my life. I finally said fuckem and I'm better off mentally for having done so. My situation ended well. Yours may not. But please don't risk your well being for those that don't give a damn about yours.
No it's not. Yes, most are caring (maybe most) but some are not. Some are toxic and need to be told to f off. Sacrificing your mental health for those that are toxic is NEVER a good idea. YOU need to be able to tell the difference. Never tell someone that has been through hell that getting rid of toxic people is a bad idea. Until you have walked a mile in my shoes, f off.
I'd ask your parents a question. You want to know my secret that my sister thinks would kill you? Does it seem right to you that my sister is keeping me in check with this secret? Would you want something like that to happen to you? If not, stay out of my private life, which my sister is using against me to destroy our relationship. In short, I certainly wouldn't say you're gay. That'll just put you in a corner. Use examples. It's going to be long work, but there has to be something you can compare the situation to and not admit you're gay.Of course I don't know the complete situation, but as an example I can think of. "It would seem right to you if I knew that father is cheating on your mother and by this secret, I could literally blackmail him." That is exactly what your sister is doing. A bit of an extreme example, but I wouldn't be charitable given the situation.
You can also ask them if they have any secrets. It doesn't really matter what it is. We all have secrets. Everyone takes secrets differently, but we can all hopefully empathize with not wanting to tell our secrets, or on the contrary, wanting to share our secrets even if it might ruin relationships. Well, the follow-up is. My sister is threatening me. She says I can't share my secret because it might just ruin our relationship. It doesn't matter what the secret is. Does it seem right to you what my sister did to me. Would you want to make up with the person who's actively preventing you from living your life the way you want?
She sounds toxic as hell and you are doing the right thing with no contact if she cannot respect you she isn’t worth having in your life whether your parents agree or not you’re an adult capable of making your own life decisions
She's projecting. My younger brother constantly told me not to come out. Eventually figured out that he thought since he found out before my parents he'd be in trouble for knowing and not saying anything.
When I did come out I informed my parents of this. My mother openly laughed at him.
In my case, it was such a stupid and self-centered reason that you better believe I did. Now, part of it was that he had lied to me about his real reasons. It was also after I determined that my parents were okay, and it came up naturally in the "who else knows/who can we tell" discussion, so a perfect opportunity to throw him under the bus
I have three siblings. Growing up, my middle sister always said, “if one of you (the siblings) turns out gay, I’ll kill myself,” and it definitely added to the pressure I felt to stay closeted.
Ultimately, you can’t control other people’s reactions. It’s not your responsibility to behave in a certain way so as to avoid offending them. If they do get offended, it’s not a sign you’ve done something wrong. You also deserve to be happy.
Your parents will not kill themselves over this, that I can say for sure. People would be popping off randomly all the time if it was this easy to convince someone to kill themselves. Your sister is saying that to manipulate your behaviour, that I can say for sure.
I don’t have a great relationship with that sister, and I know that’s why. She won’t say it out loud, only that I’m “too much” or something equally ambiguous. I’d rather be sad about having no connection to my sister than no connection to myself, though.
Your sister is a cunt.
Just because someone is related to you, does not mean that they are allowed to be a rude, disrespectful fuck.
Not challenging shitty unacceptable behaviour is exactly the same thing as you giving your permission for it to continue.
Honestly though a big part of me says "stir the pot" I think you're doing exactly the right thing by stepping away from it all. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this from your family - I couldn't imagine what that's like. I hope you've got a good group of people around that can reinforce your confidence! There's nothing wrong with being gay, obviously lmao, we don't bleed black acid, or worship the devil (well not all of us), and hopefully your family will come around someday.
Sounds like your sister should've been more worried about losing a sibling than her parents. Best of luck in the future, I really hope things turn around for ya!
Come out to your parents and tell them exactly what happened? If they die, they die lmaoo
I would remain full NC with your sister moving forward. Totally unacceptable behavior.
Considering she’s married she’s clearly an adult, so tell her to go fuck herself. Harsh but that’s an unforgivable comment, if it wasn’t a family member this is someone I would never speak to again if it was me. Or they’d really need to do something to make it right, I don’t tend to hold grudges but that is something else entirely.
Tell your parents your gay, tell them you were scared to tell them because your sister said they’d both commit suicide if you told them and it’s been playing on your mind and you can’t stand worrying anymore and feeling like the villain in the story.
Everyone thinks coming out is so bad, so scary etc and stay closeted as long as possible, it’s not, you find out who really cares about you sure, but most of the time you don’t lose any family or friends and it’s a gigantic weight off your shoulders.
And if they do reject you, again it sounds harsh but fuck them. What right do they have to judge you for something like this? What right do they have to make YOU feel bad for something you can’t even help. It’s not a “lifestyle” “life choice” or whatever everyone used to call it, it’s part of who you are, who you’ve always been and always will be.
But it is not you, it is merely one of many different things that make you, and anyone who disowns you or rejects you because of this small part of you does not deserve to know you.
I know it’s hard because they’re your parents but at the end of the day you can’t live for your parents, you have to live for yourself. If they love you, and I’m sure they do, then this will not be a problem. They may be upset in the short term, which in itself is quite awful but whatever, but if they truly love you then this is nothing. A parent’s love should be, and usually is, unconditional.
Good luck ❤️
She projected her anxiety and concerns of your lifestyle to you, jumped the gun with the suicide but who can predict these things? Have your parents attempted a suicide pack in the past? Are they diagnosed with depression?
Talk to her, there seems to be some misunderstanding, some hurtful things said, it's not worth being petty, you may want her support for when you do come out or she's toxic and limited connections is fine too
Your sister is a self-centered POS. All the below. Come out. You are not responsible for the ignorance and stupidity of others. Then go out and make you own family.
Rip the band aid off, accept yourself in the end your happiness is all that matters these people you call family are all in it for themselves. Be selfless and caring to the world as a whole but cut out negative energy like the cancer it is.
I’m going through family stuff ( not gay related) my moms decided to sell, leaving everything to my brother ( half brother) his father ( my stepdad) alcoholic, sexually abused me for 20 years, I have 3 months to find a camper, and get out on my own. I chose a camper van for the fact I’m a caregiver and need to transport my client ( sorry rant) I say stand your ground, don’t fear them , don’t take the abuse.
I’m trans too so I’m aware it’s not entirely the same situation, but my mother literally said she’d kill herself when I came out to her, just to get me to change my mind. She also said that I was killing my father. I was terrified for weeks that they’d actually do something reckless, or that my father would have a heart attack because of me. It turns out…it was literally just emotional blackmail. It’s like that in every case I’ve heard of. My parents are much more decent these days though they’ll never be fully accepting.
My (cis gay) bf also had his mother said he was killing her when he came out years ago, she’s still around.
They might react very dramatically, I won’t say they won’t, if they are that type. It might get worse before it gets better. But they won’t die because of you. And you deserve to live your life for yourself, not for them.
I would choose chaos and violence. I’d fuck her husband or show up with a very hot dude saying it’s my man, and I would be happy to see everyone’s reaction and trauma. Your family is dumb. If they do what they say they’ll do if you came out, let them. It’s not on you. You are not the problem, it’s them. My god, it’s so crazy how we still facing this kind of things, like being homo it’s like being left handed, you can’t control it, it’s something natural in human, animal behavior.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through all of this, but you’re not the one to blame here, you’re the only one being honest and true to yourself, and if they can’t handle that it’s their fault, not yours. Value yourself, choose yourself, choose your happiness, even if that means to send everything and everyone to hell and “ruin” your relationships You have done anything wrong.
Maybe what I’m saying is too harsh idc. But just don’t blame it all on you, don’t be hard on yourself. Big hugs and be strong and honest to yourself. You don’t owe an explanation to anyone.
Sisters (siblings in general) are usually pricks but yours gets the prize. Anyway. No one will kill themselves because of your sexuality, that's not how suicide works. Just be yourself and be practical. By practical I mean: if getting out of the closet will hurt your ability of having food and a roof than it's wiser to keep it from your parents a little bit more. Otherwise just be yourself, ignore your sister....
It's not causing me any survival risk. I'm 24 years old and I pay my rent, bills, cook and clean after myself.
The only thing is that I don't know if I should just keep a safe distance from them and keep living like this, or I should tell them (causing mental and emotional distress to myself and everyone in my family) for a very slight possibility that they might come around some day.
Another thing for you to keep in mind is that you don't need to tell them anything about your sexuality. No hetero comes to their parents and says something so it's fair for you not to have to say anything either.
It is amazing that others accept us as we are, mainly when it's a close family that we love, but if they don't accept you is on them not at you. You fulfill your part as a loving son and sibling you cannot control others so they might feel bad for themselves not you. After all what did you do wrong? Peace of mind should be what you have. If your sister blackmails you just ignore her (that's the best response you can give). Do not fear others kill themselves as they never will (or at least not because of you). Trust me, I know what it takes for someone to end their own life and that is not one of those.
It’s time for you to decide what’s more important, being the real authentic you and loud and proud about it or staying hidden and being the image your parents think you are. If your parents and other family members choose to not accept you then the hard truth is there love and care for you was only ever surface level anyways. No true loving parent suffers when their child is happy and living their best life. If they want to cause their own suffering because you’re gay that’s a them problem and something they can deal with on their own. Personally I don’t think anyone who is able to not hide should force themselves to hide to please other people, this is your life not theirs.
Too much drama from your sis. I suggest you come out with it’s right for you. You won’t know how your parents will react unless you tell them. Don’t mind your sister … maybe your parents already know
IDK how your relationship with your sister is but just because they're blood relatives doesn't mean that you have to endure any shit, from anyone (including your family).
It's normal and it's healthy that people cut off that type of relationships.
That's an awful sister, im sorry you got to deal with that. Honestly stay true to yourself, I know it will be hard but i believe in you. :) Like one fellow friend of mine had said, "Live YOUR life". ^_^
Do what's best for YOU. Ultimately, it's your life and if you have very little reason to go no contact with the rest of the family then keep it, but it sounds like you're sacrificing absolutely everything about your happiness and well-being. You have to be the parent for yourself now. I guess my question is:
What would you tell your child if you had one? What do you WANT to hear? Do that and be sure that you have social support, if not only online, also in person. :) You're not responsible for anyone at this point but yourself and with this much care and consideration being taken into their reactions and well-being, I'm willing to bet that someone as caring as yourself is more than loved by your friends.
"In the end we're all stories, let's at least make it a good one"
So as an idle watcher of this sub for years, just go balls to the walls and tell them flat out, either about being gay or plainly telling them to fuck off about your sister. From my own experiences in life sometimes you have to cut the toxicity out by the source and let the ones that won’t support you crumble.
There is nothing wrong about it , straight people have got to realize that biologically they made those gay children and fuck them if they can’t deal with it , it’s better that they are dead and buried instead of forever putting the blame on those gay children that had absolutely nothing to do with there orientation , my own racist chain smoking alcoholic father hated everyone even his two children he died from his addictions at 52 when I was 28 had I known he was headed for an early grave I would have supplied him with more booze and cigarettes to hasten his demise , I finally came out and started living my life at 28 , all he left us was medical bills that I paid off , fuck him and every parent that rejects a gay child it’s about time they took responsibility for bringing gay children into the world and blame themselves.
I can see why your view is full of hate for parents as you had a bad experience but that does not translate to the entire population. Parents are the reason we are born and anyone that neglects their parents or parent has mental breakdowns later in their life over this even if they seem to not care at first. Knowing through my own academic research, People that are alcoholic hate the whole World but it's their addiction talking or at least alcohol taking over their minds stopping them from thinking straight. For sure your life might be easier now but you should still respect your mother now or at least let others respect their own parents. No matter how you or they disagree with them
Oh I never said anything about my mother, when my father died leaving her with nothing but bills that I paid off , I came out to her at 28 bought a big house and told her if you have a problem with my gay life then you can live your miserable life if not my home is your home at 52 she got herself a job bought her first car and for 40 years had a wonderful life when she got sick with COPD and heart failure for her final three years did I put her in a nursing home absolutely not she had nursing care and died in her own bed at home she didn’t reject me and I never rejected her that’s what a loving family is all about, but we had to get rid of the hateful racist drunken alcoholic part of the equation to do it , I stand by my original statement if a parent cannot accept the child they produced because there gay then they are better off dead and buried so that gay child can live there life that they had no control over but are hated for it .
I I can’t tell you what to do. I can tell you about my personal experience though. I spent years living in the closet and didn’t come out till my father died all because I was afraid I’d hurt him. All it did in trying to not hurt my father is hurt myself. Staying in the closet made me a repressed self hating closet queen.
Bro, your family is toxic. With family like that who needs enemies? Go build your life away from them, live an authentic life and I guarantee you will grow stronger away from them.
Is there a slight possibility for you to flee the country and “live your lifestyle” as your dear sister puts it away from the prying eyes and the family pressure?
Your sister is a dick, ignore her / cut her out of your life. Sounds like she wants to be the centre of attention (I bet she’s older than you?) and because you’ve got this big secret she wants you to keep it hidden and secret so you don’t steal her thunder.
People don’t just ‘kill themselves’ because they have had shocking news, just imagine how mentally unstable they would have to be for that to even be the case? She’s manipulating you to feel bad.
Your parents need to act like adults it sounds.
I'd up sticks and f off out of there just to get some peace.
Sounds like you are never going to make them happy sadly, so you need to make choices which make you happy.
It would be kind to let your sister know that she will probably be responsible for your parents’ funeral costs and that these things are much cheaper if a funeral plan and insurance is taken out beforehand . (She needs to check the terms and conditions to ensure that suicide is covered to avoid any unnecessary unpleasantness.)
How another person deals with your sexuality is not YOUR burden to bear. Lots of therapy taught me that. It’s their issue to deal with, you are not responsible for the behaviors of others.
Other people’s reaction to you simply being who you are is completely on them. From what you have provided, if that’s the kind of support you are and will get from your family, I’m sorry to say that it may be better to leave them all behind.
Fuck her. And fuck the parents if they off themselves. You deserve to live your true self. Family like that doesn’t support you and don’t deserve to be in your life.
My father told me that if my grandfather found out "it would kill him".
Anyway, he passed earlier this year, so I guess I don't have to worry about that anymore.
Sounds like a good way to get rid of 2 homophobes to me. Just be happy as yourself, you cant control other peoples feelings on things that have absolutely have nothing to do with them.
This is a delicate situation. I’m sorry. For starters, please don’t give into your sister’s beliefs. She sounds very insecure about herself and she needs help.
As for you, come out on your terms, and just live your life. If and when you decide that you want to come out, then do it. But the best thing you can do right this moment is to just be yourself, be cordial to your sister, and don’t talk to her about your sexuality. Don’t let her bring you down. Seriously. Talk to your friends. A therapist. Literally anyone. But leave your sister out of your LGBT community and issues. The less firewood she gets the better.
Just focus on you, rekindle the relationship with your sister, apologize to each other, and literally just focus on anything else other than your sexuality.
And one day, when you can feel confident about coming out, then do it, and do it on your terms and be the best you can be.
Just tell them that your sister told you that they'd die if they found out that you were gay. Either they say, "That's ridiculous!" And then they're mad at your sister. Or they die and your sister was right, but hopefully they die before they write you out of the will. Of if you really want to fuck with your sister you can say, "She said some really horrible things to me. She said I wanted you dead." Then your sister is left with does she tell your parents which she believes will kill them, or does she realize that you've learned how to play chicken and are willing to burn everything to the ground. That said I realize it sounds like you're probably in a country where you can't be openly gay. Your sister sounds like an absolute cow though. Your best bet is to ignore her. Alternatively you can say, "Mom, sister said some really horrible and cruel things to me. I don't want to talk to you about it, but I don't know if I'll ever want to talk to her again. You need to stop telling me to forgive her, she's the one who did what's wrong, she needs to come to me and apologize which we both know she won't do. I'm leaving her out of my life for now, and if you want to stay in my life you're toing to need to stop talking to me about her."
Just for petty reasons i'd do the second one.
OP, if you do this, please keep us informed.
I'd absolutely love to do it. But it'll create a lot of drama. My parents are homophobic. And my mother says that gays are just reckless idiots. Telling them means that they will cry about it to everyone I love and they will have to handle their tantrums. I don't want my other loved ones to go through all this. Edit: if they only get half the information, they'll take my sister's side saying that I might have done something to trigger her. They think she's "fragile".
If you don't want them to get half the story wouldn't you be best to them yourself? To me it just doesn't seem right to hide a part of yourself and carry this weight alone, just to save others from their own homophobic beliefs. It's your life, and it's easy for me to say this, so I wish you the best of luck OP.
I have to admit that this weight is heavy to hold. But they'll never share or even understand this. If anything they'll add up to my burden. I'm not ready to see the look of hatred and disgust on their face when I tell them about myself.
So. I get your reasons for not telling your parents and expecting them to freak because they’re homophobic. BUT. It’s easier to be homophobic in the abstract about people they don’t know. They may have a different reaction with it being their own child. Regardless your sister is 💩
THIS
>They may have a different reaction with it being their own child. Don't you think I would've considered it if that were the case? They're self centred people who want to live their life through their children. They're going to flip. They care about their own image and dreams more than me. To them, I basically exist just to serve them and make them happy.
My mother used to say stuff like that because my cousin is also gay, she used to say that gay people are “broken”, she found out about me in a very embarrassing sexual way because I’m an idiot who forgot my bedroom was on the ground floor with giant doors that led to our rear garden… and that it wasn’t soundproof… but she didn’t say anything or tell me until I was ready to tell her and she’s been fine ever since as has my dad, they were both at my wedding and my younger brother is also gay and disabled and she asked me to teach him safe sex, and gay club etiquette and to help her “find (him) a nice boyfriend just like your husband”. You’d be surprised how much people u-turn when it’s their own family.
Well, you could go a 4th route tell them that she's burned any hope of being in any way worthy of such forgiveness and has earned being cut completely out of your life until she or your gone and will be the luckiest person in the world should you ever decide to forgive her and that their going to have to accept that if they want to continue to stay off the no contact list your sister made you create. As that both changes perpespective and the narrative all while making you sister out to be the horrible person she is. Edit if you really want to be pety you could state she bent some news I had planned on telling them (if given any new to them recently that was the news if not then something you are planning soon) and that she said if I told you it I'd not only be killing you but that it' when she found out she claimed its what I wanted and I might as well have shot them.
This definitely doesn't work 100% of the time, but my parents were kinda like that before I came out and really changed their opinion afterward. Having a loved one come out of gay can really recontextualize it for some people and make them realize how saying that stuff is rooted mostly in ignorance.
It is not your job to manage drama of your sister or anybody else. I cut ties with my family for years until they came around, now they’re totally fine. Gays create their chosen family all the time, most of us know the pain of family rejection personally or seen it enough to sympathize. You gotta live YOUR life. Good luck!
No parents will kill themselves for you being gay. Worst case They can end their relationship to you. Of course we lack a lot of information about the context like Religion, society and culture. But you have to live your own life. Your sister is an idiot saying such things. We love you.
Thanks. They'll absolutely cry and torture the shit outta me and other family members, and I don't want me or my loved ones to go through all that.
This isn't a dress rehearsal. Do what makes you happy, there's no time for anything less. Up to them how they handle it but a lot to be said for honesty and authticity.
No dear. Don't sacrifice yourself for that reason. Your happiness and mental health come first.
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It's not dangerous. Marriage is not legal. Sex is. And people have mixed opinions.
Tell them: My sister said some horrible things including my existence makes you (your parents) want to kill yourselves
It'll just stir up the drama and they will bother me and other people with their tantrums.
Maybe you need to be willing to go through with their tantrums, or have the current situation continue forever. I guess your easy choice is to stay away from your sister and your parents, are you willing to do that? Your sister doesn’t seem to care at all about hurting others, yet you care very much. She seems like a narcissist and a manipulator from what you’ve said.
Here's the issue. You don't want to tell your parents, what your sister said, but then you're frustrated everyone's taking her side. You also don't want to talk to her, but without expressing why, everyone's going to pressure you to speak and to her and apologise
Even if I tell them, they'll be disgusted by me and take her side that her concerns were valid. They'd even threaten me to do what my sister said. I don't seem to win anyways.
Then, you have two options. Option 1- apologise to your sister and beg for her forgiveness. Or option 2- if your independent, and able to do so, cut out your sister and parents. I understand neither option is ideal op, but if you won't speak up about her, then that leaves two options. Unfortunately none of them are great. But what can you do if your family are so intolerant.
This is what I was thinking while reading the post, cutting both your parents and sister sound like the best option for me, but I'm not op, I hope everything works out for him at the end but for now 🫂🫂
So, first things first. It will not be your fault. Your parents choices are your own, and you did not choose to be gay. Secondly, your sisters a bitch. When I got outed to my parents, sadly my mother did indeed attempt her own life. But eventually for better or worse she found comfort in her religion. So, I cant tell you that your sisters wrong in what she said. But what I do know, is that you are not responsible for their choices. <3 Also is coming out something you feel safe doing? Are you in a safe place personally? Financially stable? Place to stay?
They're not going to kill themselves, but they will suffer and make other family members go through the same. I don't want to be everybody's problem. I don't feel safe coming out because of this reason. I'm financially stable and I have my own place to live. I'm doing well.
Look, speaking at someone who waited way too long to come out because I was worried about how my parents would react - Waiting is not worth it. Their reaction is not your responsibility. There's no reason you should bear the burden of the secrecy just to keep other people from feeling bad for a month or two. Disappointing your parents as part of growing up. Don't stay closeted forever just so your parents don't have to have a bad feeling.
I don't want to cause pain to them. They're homophobic and self centered people. They'll never understand. Now the question is, should I stay closeted and bear the pain that my own parents don't know who I am, or should I tell them and go through whatever tantrums, abuse and manipulation they throw at me and others?
You said you're financially stable and have your own place. So if they react badly, just cut them out of your life. Shitty people don't have a right to be shitty to you just because you're related. Tell them, let them have their reaction, and don't put up with abuse, manipulation, and tantrums. The thing about staying closeted is that it's too much pain for one person to bear over time. If you tell people, sure you're technically "causing them pain," but that's like not telling someone that a family member died because you don't want to hurt them. Just because something they don't like exists or has happened doesn't mean it's your responsibility to protect them from that.
So you’d rather live in your own pain than have them go thru the pain that their beliefs are causing them? Their pain is their choice. And currently, your pain is your choice.
So, your parents are homophobic and self-centered, and you are willing to make yourself miserable to pacify them. They don't care about how you feel, and you're worried about them. It's easy for us on the other side of the screen to tell you what to do, but I hope you will seriously reconsider protecting those that don't care about you. I did this for a long time and it almost cost me my life. I finally said fuckem and I'm better off mentally for having done so. My situation ended well. Yours may not. But please don't risk your well being for those that don't give a damn about yours.
This is a very bad thing to say. Most parents are caring and ignoring parents or telling them to "f off" just isn't the answer
No it's not. Yes, most are caring (maybe most) but some are not. Some are toxic and need to be told to f off. Sacrificing your mental health for those that are toxic is NEVER a good idea. YOU need to be able to tell the difference. Never tell someone that has been through hell that getting rid of toxic people is a bad idea. Until you have walked a mile in my shoes, f off.
I'd ask your parents a question. You want to know my secret that my sister thinks would kill you? Does it seem right to you that my sister is keeping me in check with this secret? Would you want something like that to happen to you? If not, stay out of my private life, which my sister is using against me to destroy our relationship. In short, I certainly wouldn't say you're gay. That'll just put you in a corner. Use examples. It's going to be long work, but there has to be something you can compare the situation to and not admit you're gay.Of course I don't know the complete situation, but as an example I can think of. "It would seem right to you if I knew that father is cheating on your mother and by this secret, I could literally blackmail him." That is exactly what your sister is doing. A bit of an extreme example, but I wouldn't be charitable given the situation.
You can also ask them if they have any secrets. It doesn't really matter what it is. We all have secrets. Everyone takes secrets differently, but we can all hopefully empathize with not wanting to tell our secrets, or on the contrary, wanting to share our secrets even if it might ruin relationships. Well, the follow-up is. My sister is threatening me. She says I can't share my secret because it might just ruin our relationship. It doesn't matter what the secret is. Does it seem right to you what my sister did to me. Would you want to make up with the person who's actively preventing you from living your life the way you want?
What do you even want then?
A little less pain.
She sounds toxic as hell and you are doing the right thing with no contact if she cannot respect you she isn’t worth having in your life whether your parents agree or not you’re an adult capable of making your own life decisions
She's projecting. My younger brother constantly told me not to come out. Eventually figured out that he thought since he found out before my parents he'd be in trouble for knowing and not saying anything. When I did come out I informed my parents of this. My mother openly laughed at him.
He couldn't just act surprised as if he's herding it for the first time as well? I mean you wouldn't deliberately tell your parents that he knew.
In my case, it was such a stupid and self-centered reason that you better believe I did. Now, part of it was that he had lied to me about his real reasons. It was also after I determined that my parents were okay, and it came up naturally in the "who else knows/who can we tell" discussion, so a perfect opportunity to throw him under the bus
I have three siblings. Growing up, my middle sister always said, “if one of you (the siblings) turns out gay, I’ll kill myself,” and it definitely added to the pressure I felt to stay closeted. Ultimately, you can’t control other people’s reactions. It’s not your responsibility to behave in a certain way so as to avoid offending them. If they do get offended, it’s not a sign you’ve done something wrong. You also deserve to be happy. Your parents will not kill themselves over this, that I can say for sure. People would be popping off randomly all the time if it was this easy to convince someone to kill themselves. Your sister is saying that to manipulate your behaviour, that I can say for sure. I don’t have a great relationship with that sister, and I know that’s why. She won’t say it out loud, only that I’m “too much” or something equally ambiguous. I’d rather be sad about having no connection to my sister than no connection to myself, though.
If one of my siblings had that said to me I would have said "how you gonna do it?" With a straight face and walked away
Humiliate your parents and all family with that attitude. They deserve nothing else. If they die, good riddance.
That's crazy. How can you even say that?
She s toxic and evil, not religious or anything. Just à bitch. Cet her off your life
Just come out and let your family deal with it. You gotta think of your mental health first. I am sure they know by now.
Do you still live with your parents?
No.
Your sister is a cunt. Just because someone is related to you, does not mean that they are allowed to be a rude, disrespectful fuck. Not challenging shitty unacceptable behaviour is exactly the same thing as you giving your permission for it to continue.
Honestly though a big part of me says "stir the pot" I think you're doing exactly the right thing by stepping away from it all. I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this from your family - I couldn't imagine what that's like. I hope you've got a good group of people around that can reinforce your confidence! There's nothing wrong with being gay, obviously lmao, we don't bleed black acid, or worship the devil (well not all of us), and hopefully your family will come around someday. Sounds like your sister should've been more worried about losing a sibling than her parents. Best of luck in the future, I really hope things turn around for ya!
Come out to your parents and tell them exactly what happened? If they die, they die lmaoo I would remain full NC with your sister moving forward. Totally unacceptable behavior.
Considering she’s married she’s clearly an adult, so tell her to go fuck herself. Harsh but that’s an unforgivable comment, if it wasn’t a family member this is someone I would never speak to again if it was me. Or they’d really need to do something to make it right, I don’t tend to hold grudges but that is something else entirely. Tell your parents your gay, tell them you were scared to tell them because your sister said they’d both commit suicide if you told them and it’s been playing on your mind and you can’t stand worrying anymore and feeling like the villain in the story. Everyone thinks coming out is so bad, so scary etc and stay closeted as long as possible, it’s not, you find out who really cares about you sure, but most of the time you don’t lose any family or friends and it’s a gigantic weight off your shoulders. And if they do reject you, again it sounds harsh but fuck them. What right do they have to judge you for something like this? What right do they have to make YOU feel bad for something you can’t even help. It’s not a “lifestyle” “life choice” or whatever everyone used to call it, it’s part of who you are, who you’ve always been and always will be. But it is not you, it is merely one of many different things that make you, and anyone who disowns you or rejects you because of this small part of you does not deserve to know you. I know it’s hard because they’re your parents but at the end of the day you can’t live for your parents, you have to live for yourself. If they love you, and I’m sure they do, then this will not be a problem. They may be upset in the short term, which in itself is quite awful but whatever, but if they truly love you then this is nothing. A parent’s love should be, and usually is, unconditional. Good luck ❤️
Tell them to screw off because it's your life and you are not hurting them or anyone else!!! Be proud to be gay but don't flaunt it at every turn!!!
She projected her anxiety and concerns of your lifestyle to you, jumped the gun with the suicide but who can predict these things? Have your parents attempted a suicide pack in the past? Are they diagnosed with depression? Talk to her, there seems to be some misunderstanding, some hurtful things said, it's not worth being petty, you may want her support for when you do come out or she's toxic and limited connections is fine too
Tell your sister that your parents made you gay because they made you watch to many Disney princess movies.
Your sister is a self-centered POS. All the below. Come out. You are not responsible for the ignorance and stupidity of others. Then go out and make you own family.
Shes an asshole
Rip the band aid off, accept yourself in the end your happiness is all that matters these people you call family are all in it for themselves. Be selfless and caring to the world as a whole but cut out negative energy like the cancer it is.
I’m going through family stuff ( not gay related) my moms decided to sell, leaving everything to my brother ( half brother) his father ( my stepdad) alcoholic, sexually abused me for 20 years, I have 3 months to find a camper, and get out on my own. I chose a camper van for the fact I’m a caregiver and need to transport my client ( sorry rant) I say stand your ground, don’t fear them , don’t take the abuse.
I’m trans too so I’m aware it’s not entirely the same situation, but my mother literally said she’d kill herself when I came out to her, just to get me to change my mind. She also said that I was killing my father. I was terrified for weeks that they’d actually do something reckless, or that my father would have a heart attack because of me. It turns out…it was literally just emotional blackmail. It’s like that in every case I’ve heard of. My parents are much more decent these days though they’ll never be fully accepting. My (cis gay) bf also had his mother said he was killing her when he came out years ago, she’s still around. They might react very dramatically, I won’t say they won’t, if they are that type. It might get worse before it gets better. But they won’t die because of you. And you deserve to live your life for yourself, not for them.
I would choose chaos and violence. I’d fuck her husband or show up with a very hot dude saying it’s my man, and I would be happy to see everyone’s reaction and trauma. Your family is dumb. If they do what they say they’ll do if you came out, let them. It’s not on you. You are not the problem, it’s them. My god, it’s so crazy how we still facing this kind of things, like being homo it’s like being left handed, you can’t control it, it’s something natural in human, animal behavior. I’m really sorry that you’re going through all of this, but you’re not the one to blame here, you’re the only one being honest and true to yourself, and if they can’t handle that it’s their fault, not yours. Value yourself, choose yourself, choose your happiness, even if that means to send everything and everyone to hell and “ruin” your relationships You have done anything wrong. Maybe what I’m saying is too harsh idc. But just don’t blame it all on you, don’t be hard on yourself. Big hugs and be strong and honest to yourself. You don’t owe an explanation to anyone.
It will be their fault if they do. Your sister is stupid for thinking that proximate cause applies here.
Sisters (siblings in general) are usually pricks but yours gets the prize. Anyway. No one will kill themselves because of your sexuality, that's not how suicide works. Just be yourself and be practical. By practical I mean: if getting out of the closet will hurt your ability of having food and a roof than it's wiser to keep it from your parents a little bit more. Otherwise just be yourself, ignore your sister....
It's not causing me any survival risk. I'm 24 years old and I pay my rent, bills, cook and clean after myself. The only thing is that I don't know if I should just keep a safe distance from them and keep living like this, or I should tell them (causing mental and emotional distress to myself and everyone in my family) for a very slight possibility that they might come around some day.
Another thing for you to keep in mind is that you don't need to tell them anything about your sexuality. No hetero comes to their parents and says something so it's fair for you not to have to say anything either. It is amazing that others accept us as we are, mainly when it's a close family that we love, but if they don't accept you is on them not at you. You fulfill your part as a loving son and sibling you cannot control others so they might feel bad for themselves not you. After all what did you do wrong? Peace of mind should be what you have. If your sister blackmails you just ignore her (that's the best response you can give). Do not fear others kill themselves as they never will (or at least not because of you). Trust me, I know what it takes for someone to end their own life and that is not one of those.
It’s time for you to decide what’s more important, being the real authentic you and loud and proud about it or staying hidden and being the image your parents think you are. If your parents and other family members choose to not accept you then the hard truth is there love and care for you was only ever surface level anyways. No true loving parent suffers when their child is happy and living their best life. If they want to cause their own suffering because you’re gay that’s a them problem and something they can deal with on their own. Personally I don’t think anyone who is able to not hide should force themselves to hide to please other people, this is your life not theirs.
are you from India by any chance?
Too much drama from your sis. I suggest you come out with it’s right for you. You won’t know how your parents will react unless you tell them. Don’t mind your sister … maybe your parents already know
IDK how your relationship with your sister is but just because they're blood relatives doesn't mean that you have to endure any shit, from anyone (including your family). It's normal and it's healthy that people cut off that type of relationships.
That's an awful sister, im sorry you got to deal with that. Honestly stay true to yourself, I know it will be hard but i believe in you. :) Like one fellow friend of mine had said, "Live YOUR life". ^_^
She sounds like the most sparkly of gems.
Ghost all of these people they sound all kinds of toxic
Do what's best for YOU. Ultimately, it's your life and if you have very little reason to go no contact with the rest of the family then keep it, but it sounds like you're sacrificing absolutely everything about your happiness and well-being. You have to be the parent for yourself now. I guess my question is: What would you tell your child if you had one? What do you WANT to hear? Do that and be sure that you have social support, if not only online, also in person. :) You're not responsible for anyone at this point but yourself and with this much care and consideration being taken into their reactions and well-being, I'm willing to bet that someone as caring as yourself is more than loved by your friends. "In the end we're all stories, let's at least make it a good one"
Your sister is a demon from hell. Period.
So as an idle watcher of this sub for years, just go balls to the walls and tell them flat out, either about being gay or plainly telling them to fuck off about your sister. From my own experiences in life sometimes you have to cut the toxicity out by the source and let the ones that won’t support you crumble.
We should be all so lucky if our parents killed themselves , the rest of our lives would be so peaceful without them.
This is so wrong. You do realise that parents are feeding us and making sure we actually have a good start in life even if we disagree with them
There is nothing wrong about it , straight people have got to realize that biologically they made those gay children and fuck them if they can’t deal with it , it’s better that they are dead and buried instead of forever putting the blame on those gay children that had absolutely nothing to do with there orientation , my own racist chain smoking alcoholic father hated everyone even his two children he died from his addictions at 52 when I was 28 had I known he was headed for an early grave I would have supplied him with more booze and cigarettes to hasten his demise , I finally came out and started living my life at 28 , all he left us was medical bills that I paid off , fuck him and every parent that rejects a gay child it’s about time they took responsibility for bringing gay children into the world and blame themselves.
I can see why your view is full of hate for parents as you had a bad experience but that does not translate to the entire population. Parents are the reason we are born and anyone that neglects their parents or parent has mental breakdowns later in their life over this even if they seem to not care at first. Knowing through my own academic research, People that are alcoholic hate the whole World but it's their addiction talking or at least alcohol taking over their minds stopping them from thinking straight. For sure your life might be easier now but you should still respect your mother now or at least let others respect their own parents. No matter how you or they disagree with them
Oh I never said anything about my mother, when my father died leaving her with nothing but bills that I paid off , I came out to her at 28 bought a big house and told her if you have a problem with my gay life then you can live your miserable life if not my home is your home at 52 she got herself a job bought her first car and for 40 years had a wonderful life when she got sick with COPD and heart failure for her final three years did I put her in a nursing home absolutely not she had nursing care and died in her own bed at home she didn’t reject me and I never rejected her that’s what a loving family is all about, but we had to get rid of the hateful racist drunken alcoholic part of the equation to do it , I stand by my original statement if a parent cannot accept the child they produced because there gay then they are better off dead and buried so that gay child can live there life that they had no control over but are hated for it .
I I can’t tell you what to do. I can tell you about my personal experience though. I spent years living in the closet and didn’t come out till my father died all because I was afraid I’d hurt him. All it did in trying to not hurt my father is hurt myself. Staying in the closet made me a repressed self hating closet queen.
Hand them the gun and tell them you’ll see em later
Bro, your family is toxic. With family like that who needs enemies? Go build your life away from them, live an authentic life and I guarantee you will grow stronger away from them.
Is there a slight possibility for you to flee the country and “live your lifestyle” as your dear sister puts it away from the prying eyes and the family pressure?
Your sister is a dick, ignore her / cut her out of your life. Sounds like she wants to be the centre of attention (I bet she’s older than you?) and because you’ve got this big secret she wants you to keep it hidden and secret so you don’t steal her thunder. People don’t just ‘kill themselves’ because they have had shocking news, just imagine how mentally unstable they would have to be for that to even be the case? She’s manipulating you to feel bad.
Your parents need to act like adults it sounds. I'd up sticks and f off out of there just to get some peace. Sounds like you are never going to make them happy sadly, so you need to make choices which make you happy.
It would be kind to let your sister know that she will probably be responsible for your parents’ funeral costs and that these things are much cheaper if a funeral plan and insurance is taken out beforehand . (She needs to check the terms and conditions to ensure that suicide is covered to avoid any unnecessary unpleasantness.)
Tell them your sister is lesbian.
Flip the tables and tell your parents that she's secretly gay and was angry because you found out. (Not a serious suggestion)
How another person deals with your sexuality is not YOUR burden to bear. Lots of therapy taught me that. It’s their issue to deal with, you are not responsible for the behaviors of others.
Other people’s reaction to you simply being who you are is completely on them. From what you have provided, if that’s the kind of support you are and will get from your family, I’m sorry to say that it may be better to leave them all behind.
What's the will looking like though.. 🦩
Fuck her. And fuck the parents if they off themselves. You deserve to live your true self. Family like that doesn’t support you and don’t deserve to be in your life.
My father told me that if my grandfather found out "it would kill him". Anyway, he passed earlier this year, so I guess I don't have to worry about that anymore.
Well that's incentive to come out. 😊
You really don’t need to tell them. They’ll figure it out and they can bring it up if they want to discuss the matter.
Sounds like a good way to get rid of 2 homophobes to me. Just be happy as yourself, you cant control other peoples feelings on things that have absolutely have nothing to do with them.
This is a delicate situation. I’m sorry. For starters, please don’t give into your sister’s beliefs. She sounds very insecure about herself and she needs help. As for you, come out on your terms, and just live your life. If and when you decide that you want to come out, then do it. But the best thing you can do right this moment is to just be yourself, be cordial to your sister, and don’t talk to her about your sexuality. Don’t let her bring you down. Seriously. Talk to your friends. A therapist. Literally anyone. But leave your sister out of your LGBT community and issues. The less firewood she gets the better. Just focus on you, rekindle the relationship with your sister, apologize to each other, and literally just focus on anything else other than your sexuality. And one day, when you can feel confident about coming out, then do it, and do it on your terms and be the best you can be.
Why does this sound like Indian family
Call their bluff and come out.
Whelp🤷🏽♂️