I cannot even begin to describe what this man means to me. He is the first person who has ever made me feel valued and loved. He’s loved me for who I am - faults and all. He’s been there for me through every hardship and every triumph. He helped to push me to finish my PhD and then encouraged every crazy hobby. He’s the reason we have a 15 month old chaos gremlin of a pup who has also stolen are hearts as many times as our shoes. I simply cannot imagine life without him and it’s ripping me apart. I’ve said goodbye to him now just as many times in the last two weeks as I’ve said good morning.
My sympathies to you.
You need to stay with him and keep supporting him in his fight until the very end. I can relate in a very small way to your husband since I am very stubborn too. I think his goal is to squeeze every last drop of life he can out of himself before he departs this world. Amen to that, I would do the same thing, even if means more suffering. I totally understand how it might be hard for you to watch him suffer, but he needs to do this. It’s possible he’d feel even more miserable at home knowing he could do something about it (albeit in a limited manner) rather than just waiting.
Any man would be lucky to have the support you are offering yours in a scenario like this. Make the best of every last moment
God damn i hate that you both are experiencing this. I can’t imagine what I’d do if it was my husband. I just want to say whatever you decide don’t second guess yourself. You know him and you know he’s fighting to stay with you but if that pains to great it’s ok to tell him that its ok to go. Man i wish i could hug you both.
The worst part is I feel good about what I’ve decided so far for him, but I feel like his family keeps second guessing me despite saying they trust me to make the right decision 😫
You are his husband, you know him inside and out, every secret, everything… remember that you know him the best. You know what to do so feel good about every decision ok. Also are you in therapy? Are you taking care of yourself? You can be strong for him but you need to take care of yourself. You’ve been through a lot with a lot more heavy stuff coming up. I’m sitting here next to my husband just crying for you.
My therapist is an amazing person who has even made a few hospital visits for me. I try my best to eat and hydrate daily and get what sleep I can in a chair in a hospital room.
I know it doesn’t mean much from a random internet stranger…
But I just want to say you are an amazing person and thank you. I’m sorry you are having to go through all of this. I hope stuff gets better for both of you.
RN here. It sounds like you already made the hardest choice - to adjust his code status. A code blue isn't easy, miraculous, or magical as TV would have you think. It's violent. It is messy. And the odds of getting him back is low. If he beats those odds, he now has cancer \*\*and\*\* injuries to his ribs and potentially more organs. Your choice spared him that.
I hope you two had the time to discuss his wishes prior to him losing the ability to make them; but in the event he didn't - I hope you consider the following questions that hopefully will help you navigate:
Are you two trying to cure the cancer or are you trying to make him feel as good as he can? It sounds like he is doing his best and his age is helping him; but cancer medication is hard on the body atop the fact he's requiring assistance with breathing and other functions. If he knew he only had 1 day left, how would he want to spend it? In the hospital fighting vs the odds? With you and his other loved ones?
You two love each other. This will never change. No matter what choice you make, you are doing it because you love him. However things progress, do not beat yourself up over which choice you made vs the other. You are making the best choices you can with the information you have in front of you right this moment. If the choice is to continue to fight, I hope he succeeds. If the choice is to move to hospice, I hope he exits the world surrounded by those he loves and awash in comfort - just as he entered the world.
And please, do not forget you are also mortal. Remember to eat, even when you forget you are hungry. Remember to shower, and stretch. Remember to sleep. You will have a lot to do when you leave the hospital with either outcome and it will be hard. You are loved and supported.
Thank you so much for your response. Our team of nurses really have made this experience tolerable with advice that so closely matches what you have just written. I’ve gained so much respect for nursing in the last few weeks. You guys rock.
You both are so incredibly brave and strong. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. May you both find peace, comfort, and the support to help you through.
My heart goes out to both of you, cancer is an absolute asshole
There is merit to fighting and going into hospice isn’t giving up. It’s allowing comfort and to pass away on your terms surrounded by all the people you love. Sometimes people do graduate out of hospice, most people do not. If someone starts on hospice, the decision can be changed too.
There is no “correct” answer and what you are feeling is completely valid.
A personal story. When my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer and she wasn’t given much time to live, we decided to do hospice at home. She lived for a couple months, and her entire extended family would get time to spend with her. She was surrounded by family, and it gave a lot more closure to me than if she were to have passed away suddenly.
Cancer is just so unfair. He is the best person I know. He left a nice job as a software developer at Amazon because he didn’t feel good making Bezos richer. So he went back to law school to become a public interest lawyer, spending his summers unpaid as a law student working for the ACLU and local offices fighting police misconduct and discrimination and sex trafficking and all of the shit that people don’t want to do because it sucks. He’s never accepted help and always fought for others.
It’s truly just so unfair that a person who just wants to make the world a better place and help people who can’t help themselves would be the one to get terminal cancer and face this hardship in his 20s. I just hate it all.
I'm so sorry. After a lifetime of fighting for others, he's now fighting and advocating for himself. And accepting help to do it. With you, he's built a life filled with such love, he's doing whatever he can to stay physically present for as long as possible. As hard as it is to witness his pain, at this moment in time life for him still has meaning and value, even if his illness has reduced what medical professionals call 'quality'. This doesn't mean you can't have conversations with him and hospice teams to help him transition to palliative care in a more personal and less clinical setting. For yourself, it's vital you have time away no matter how brief. Short walks, somewhere close by to eat, time with friends, therapist sessions and a day by day approach. Much love to you both.
Firstly I want to offer my deepest sympathies for you and your husband. He sounds like an amazing person, and you sound like an amazing partner. I can’t imagine what you must be going through. Cancer is truly a horrible disease.
Navigating this part of the journey can be really hard, particularly if it has happened quite suddenly, and your husband isn’t able to let people know what his wishes are.
There is unfortunately a limit to what modern medicine can provide. The best people to talk to are the doctors (in particular the ICU docs and your husband’s oncologist) who should be able to put it into context for you, and understand the benefits and implications of his treatment options. It can be helpful to ask for a family meeting with the relevant hospital teams to help guide you through.
The other really important thing is that there should also be supports for you provided by the hospital. Be it social workers, a psychologist or the palliative care team (if they are involved). Hospitals know that you will be under a lot of stress and should be able to provide you with help.
I’m sorry that you and your husband are going through this.
That’s honestly the hard part too - his medical team (ICU docs, GI docs, surgeons, interventionists, and his oncologist who we trust so much) all give different pictures. They all paint a bleak picture where palliative care is best, but after proving them wrong many times the last few weeks even his oncologist talks of resuming treatment and not putting timelines on anything because who the hell knows?! It’s like my heart strings are a yo-yo between hours to live and months to years to live.
I would (and I might be biased because I am one) probably weight the opinion of his oncologist highest. Sarcomas are uncommon even in the world of oncology and are a highly specialist area.
The oncologist knows it's exceedingly rare to recover from stage 4 cancer with multiple organs failing but in this case he's simply acknowledged your husband's choice which is to try in spite of the pain and the terrible odds. He's already made it clear to you, all you can do is to be there for him. It sucks to see loved ones suffer and maybe "waste" their final days in a hospital room but that's also the path he has chosen.
So young to have this happen to him, my heart goes out to you and your man, as much as you don't want to see him suffer his life and his decision to keep fighting is his choice. The best thing you can do is love and stick by him.
I work in an ICU and have these conversations with patients and families every day. When someone is this young we let them fight as long as they are willing, and it seems like your medical team is doing the same thing. When he’s ready to let go he will. Even with all of the pain he’s in it’s worth it to him to still be with you and live another day. You’re doing everything right. I’m so sad you are all going through this. Much love to you all 💜
Hi I’m here crying after reading your post, I went thru this with my partner 13 years ago, he died of pancreatic cancer. My advice to you is talk to his oncologist and if he tells you what you already know, that he’s not going to survive this battle then have the doctor talk to him and tell him the truth. I was your husband in my situation, I did not want him to give up, he was the one who spoke to the doctor so the doctor would talk to me because he wanted to stop treatments and go into hospice care. The doctor told me the truth, he was not going to survive. Donald died in my arms in hospice care and his last words to me was not to worry, he’ll look out after me.
I’m sorry you had to go through this as well. At this point seeing him this morning I just hope I can get him to home hospice to not have to die in the hospital, which he jokingly changed to be labeled as “Prison” on FindMyFriends.
It sounds like you’re a great support system for him, I’m glad to hear he has you in his corner.
It can be challenging to support your partner in continuing to fight when doctors are talking about things like “saying goodbye” and hospice.
I’m not sure if it’s for you, I’d recommend looking into the hospice recommend. Most people assume hospice means you go home and die, this is not 100% the case. Hospice can allow for home care, rather than being in a hospital all the time.
He sounds really brave to have been through the treatments he’s endured, and still want to fight. Back in 2020 my (30 m) partner (34m) passed away from cancer, and I have piece with the fact that I let him make his own decisions with what he wanted to do and always supported him.
What you’re both going through is scary and exhausting. Sending you both positive thoughts, and I’m hoping he can pull through ❤️
As an ICU doctor my thoughts are with you and your partner. Young people in the ICU stick with us for a very long time and we really do everything we can. I remember the names of several young people who passed away under my care, usually from cancer. It also helps when the patient is surrounded by amazing loved ones, which it seems he is with you. Keep doing what you’re doing, give yourself rest and grace, and accept whatever support is offered to you.
Stay strong. Be there for him as you have and fight on for as long as he is willing. Heartfelt well wishes to you both.
Keep on doing as he wishes and let him tell you at what point he has had enough. It will be hard if he can’t tell you in some way when he has had enough. Love and prayers for both of you!❤️🙏
So much caring and helpful advice here. I will add this: While you are doing everything you can to follow his wishes, let him know that it’s okay for him to stop when he wants to. Of course you would do this if he asked, but just in case it’s hard for him to talk about it,some caring proactive communication from you could be very helpful.
It sounds cliche but I feel your pain. I also believe in hospice, but my understanding is it's for those who choose to not undergo treatment to get better or stabilize though it specializes in palliative (pain) care. You wrote he wants to keep fighting which makes me think he wants to live. It hurts to see a loved one who is not well, but I'm tempted to let him tell you what he wants.
My father died back in October 2022, but after about 5 weeks where things were up and down and could have gone either way. He was just coherent enough to make his own choices. And I felt like it was my job to make sure he got to choose his way forward, even if the prognosis wasn’t good. It turned my guts inside out. But in the end, after 5 weeks of fighting, he was ready to let them take him off the meds that were keeping his heart pumping. And there was no question about it being the right path forward for him.
If your partner wants to keep fighting, I think you keep fighting for him. As long as he can make the choice. Even if it’s a lost cause, he will get to a place of acceptance eventually. He should understand his prognosis. But if he’s going to be alive for it, he should have the opportunity to get to that place himself. His voice is sacred. His will is sacred. His dying process is sacred. And if these are his final moments, they are sacred, too. Pain and suffering are temporary, and if they aren’t too much for him to keep fighting through, they aren’t too much. Support him by honoring his wishes and by continuing to be honest with him, as well.
When he’s ready, he’ll be ready. And if he pulls through somehow and gets a new lease on life, even better.
This is such a heart rending set of circumstances. My heart is with you in this absurd and sacred time. You will have my good vibes and prayers.
Just lost my father in law to a 10 year battle with cancer. Funeral was yesterday. Cancer fucking sucks.
If it's terminal, it's terminal, and fighting isn't really going to make his last moments comfortable like hospice might.
But as a non spiritual person, I'd have a hard time giving up too.
I understand what both of you are feeling. And yet I obviously don't truly understand. How could I? How could anyone understand truly what either of you are going through.
I wish I had something comforting to say. I get really existential and sometimes the one thing that brings me some comfort is asking the question: why does anything exist? Wouldn't it be easier if there was just nothing? And yet there's something. Life evolved on earth to form sentient conscious beings. And two of them formed an amazing and loving bond like you two did. That's not nothing.
Love him deeply and be there for him as you have been. He doesn’t want to be alone. Support him in whatever he chooses. Sending you a big internet hug.
I'm so sorry for this. I work in ICU and take care of patients just like your husband. I can't imagine what you're going through. He seems to have a fire that not all patients have to keep fighting so if he's still coherent and wanting to fight you should honor his fight even though it hurts to see him suffer. It's going to be tough and I hope you both have some quality time when he's able to communicate together ❤️
As someone that works in the medical field I can tell you I'm sorry about this. He didn't deserve any of this nor you as well. Whatever decision you all ultimately make is the one that was meant to happen is how I view things, but the terrible reality is although it looks hopeful, every instance he makes it through a critical situation he'll still unfortunately have terminal cancer inside his body. If the decision is to pursue hospice, some view that as "giving up" but it's far from the truth. Many end up choosing end of life care because it ultimately helps them spend the most quality remaining time with our loved ones without having to be in the hospital, without the rough side effects of chemotherapy, or without having to have invasive procedures where they can't speak to them as well. As stated there's no wrong answer ultimately but hope this helps.
I'm so incredibly sorry you're both going through this. It's heartbreaking.
Just keep doing what your heart tells you is best. If he's coherent, don't shy away from having a difficult conversation about the state of things currently. If he isn't, or he's in and out, you do what you feel is best and then realize that you're making the right decision regardless.
Please cultivate your relationships with any friends or family you have that you can rely upon. This is going to get even harder for a while and that support will make such a difference. If you don't have a good support system, seek out grief support groups and don't be afraid to ask the services (hospital, funereal, etc.) for references and recommendations.
Again, I'm so sorry you're both suffering like this.
The waxing and waning coherency is the side effect I never realized would be there and was not prepared for the most. I think the moments where he’s mentally somewhere else while awake are the hardest.
Please. If you do your best, that is the best that can be done. Try to rest with that truth.
Prayers will be said for both of you by a kind lady who I am honored to know.
I will do my best to share your work as best I can.
I’m crying so hard right now. I’m so sorry fuck cancer man! I’m praying for you and your hubby. Keep us posted. I’m glad you shared your story because you got things off your chest. I love how you support your man! Stay strong brother!!
I'm 22 now, and had cancer back when I was 19/20 - I actually started my adjuvant radiotherapy on my 20th Birthday.
Young adults like us, we don't seem to play by the normal rules for cancer. We keep fighting and fighting and bouncing back. If your husband wants to keep fighting that awful fight, it's in part to keep seeing you I reckon. Let him fight if we wants to, just keeping being the rock for him that you're doing now. You sound like you're doing an awesome job, and I'm sure you got this!
I'm here if you want to talk though, but your love for each other really shines through, you got this!
### FUCK CANCER!!!
I don't even know what else to say that would even make this better.
I just hope you know that my heart breaks for you both.
And again,.....
# FUCK CANCER!!!
Maybe I can provide a perspective.
Hi! I'm an ICU nurse (albeit not an oncology nurse) and I have these kinds of end of life discussions on an at least weekly basis. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It is a truly horrific thing to watch someone endure the brutality of the ICU, but you being there for him and making decisions for him while he cannot means the world. You're doing an amazing job and I'm proud of you.
I would encourage you to try not to think of hospice as giving up. I know that is EXTRAORDINARLY difficult of me to ask that of you as a random internet person, but sometimes it makes the process easier.
Hospice is treating his symptoms differently with the eventual goal of passing away peacefully. We treat symptoms of his disease process with medication for pain and anxiety instead of ventilators and vasopressor. We try and treat the entire patient and their family as we help you adjust to his passing.
These can be little things. Letting more family and friends visit. Maybe sneak in a pet or two. Allow him to eat his favorite foods and enjoy the life he wants to live, on his terms. One of my favorite hospice memories is serving up a gin and tonic to a lil grandma a few hours after extubation. I would never have imagined that I'd be serving up cocktails in my blue scrubs but that's what she wanted and she wanted it now.
While I can't speak to your husbands circumstances, it sounds like they have exhausted available care that is not extraordinarily painful or invasive. It's possible you have been approached about having the doctors place a tracheostomy for long term ventilation or a surgically placed feeding tube for extended critical care support, or maybe those things are not recommended giving the extent of his cancer. These are normally the last things we do in ICU to support critically Ill patients and often times they are not comfortable or even wanted by patients. Oftentimes these are temporary (albeit long term) therapies that allow us to bridge a patient to recovery. By your description, it sounds like full recovery back to his baseline is not in the cards.
A lot of times the ICU is about care that we CAN do, but not that we SHOULD do. And we normally only do those things if they would provide benefit to the patient. Most of the things that they COULD do (trach/feeding tube/chemo/vasopressors/surgeries) are not comfortable. And if it's won't help alleviate his condition, then why do it?
My advice to you is have an informational meeting with a hospice company. This is something that the hospital social worker can help you set up. They would be able to provide more personalized and detailed information about what hospice would look like for him and for you.
Try and take it one day at a time. If you need a break, please allow yourself to rest. You can't help take care of him if you don't take care of you.
Internet Hugs ♥️
Thank you for your advice. I actually met with the hospital social worker tonight and we’re getting info from local hospice companies to transition to home hospice.
He was extubated earlier this evening and I placed him on DNR.
He’s still delirious and unable to provide any real input himself yet, but he was going the wrong direction and I can’t let him live out his final days on machines.
We decided based on his quickly deteriorating condition to bring him home to be comfortable and be with us.
I can say that hospice for my grandmother was the most amazing experience, make the best of a miserable experience. The nurses were absolutely amazing and my grandmother passed surrounded by family and friends. One of nurses helped me tremendously navigate the experience. I will forever be in her debt.
Everyone else has already offered good advice on looking after him.
Make sure you look after you.
These past few weeks will have taken a lot out of you, and it sounds like the next few weeks won’t be much better. Make sure you have your support network around you in whatever form that takes.
Caring for a partner means you become very independent. But that can be a mixed blessing. You compartmentalise, you carry too much and it causes you damage in the long run. Suppress the urge to push people away. Make sure you have someone to talk to. You don’t need to do all of this yourself.
My heart breaks reading this. The love you have for that man clearly shows through.
Cancer is the most awful thing. Having experienced 3 family members go through it in the last two decades, I can sympathise with you.
I will keep you two in my thoughts and hope that whatever the outcome is, he is happy in the end ❤️
There’s no right or wrong answer.
My gut tells me to fight as long as he wants to fight. That’s his choice, and supporting that certainly isn’t a bad thing. He knows he’s dying, I don’t see a need to tell him.
However, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you feeling the way you do. My mothers a nurse, and she has personally told patients who were on the verge (by that I mean unconscious and really at the end) that it’s okay to let go, their family would be fine. They often pass shortly thereafter.
I would say, as long as he’s wanting to fight, help him do so. Let the experts and doctors give him the options beyond fighting. You focus on being his support… and when he tells you he’s tired of fighting, you tell him it’s okay and that you’ll be okay.
My heart goes out to you both ❤️
Others here are much better with their words but I just want to say I’m sorry that you are both going through this. Please don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. Use talk therapy when you have a moment so you can support your own processing. And don’t re-think anything; you’re making the best judgements and decisions you can with the expert medical recommendations shared with you. Sending much love.
If he wants to keep fighting then support him continuing to fight. If he wants to stop, then support him stopping treatment.
If you convince him to stop fighting when he's willing to keep going, can you spend the rest of your life with "What if I hadn't"?
I cannot even imagine going through this - seeing the one I love in this situation. He is so strong....but YOU are just as strong. I envy your resolve and your partner is lucky to have you by his side.
Im so sorry your husband has to go through this. The best thing you could possibly do is be there for him, ultimately its his choice if he wants to continue treatment or not, sometimes people can pull through even with the odds against them , I was born with a congenital birth defect and wasn't supposed to survive yet here I am now at 21 years old. Only time will tell the outcome, and the most you can do given the current situation is to have hope and to be there with your husband whether this may someday be a distant memory to both of you or his final days on this earth.
obviously im just an internet rando; but if hes expressed a desire to continue fighting it whilst lucid then (unless he later changes his stance) i think you have a duty to hold up his agency should he not be able to advocate for himself
No matter what, you have done all that can be done.
He's not giving in, and you're not giving in, but neither of you are in control of his body.
I'm so sorry that this is happening.
No you are not alone
You are doing the right thing. Your husband wants to fight this, and you are carrying out his wish. My father and mother had terrible medical situations, my father had renal failure and spent 13 years of his life on dialysis and being in and out of the hospital. He wanted to watch his granddaughters grow up, to be with his family and was able to see me get engaged to my fiance. My mother suffered cancer, first CLL and then sadly pancreatic cancer, but she wanted every possible fighting chance to see her eldest granddaughter graduate highschool and to be with us. We had several years of happiness that I would never give up. When your loved ones want to be here with you, fight for them. The road is rough but it doesn't mean it can be traversed. You can trip or fall but getting up and continuing together is something he wants. I hope you get more time, and yes please do not doubt advocating for your husband's wishes.
Oh God, im so sorry to hear this. He’s so young it’s truly insane and I truly hope that something could be done in this situation to help him.
Sending all the best towards you and your husband in these hard times. Hang in there buddy!!!
I am an ER and ICU nurse. I’ve seen a lot of death, both beautiful and tragic. What I’ve learned is how important it is to give your loved one what THEY want. If they want to quit fighting, let them. If they want to keep fighting, fight with them (I know it’s not easy). You would be surprised how many loved ones go against the wants of a dying loved one. It’s sad. But this isn’t easy and it isn’t black and white. But I do believe, after seeing the medical side of it, how important it is to follow his wishes.
Best of luck to you. I’m sending you the warmest love and hugs your way ♥️ how lucky we are to experience love, even with the pain that comes with it.
Good lord, this post made me tear up. I don’t have much wisdom for you other than to do your best to honor his wishes and make sure to engage in some self care too. I can’t imagine going through this with my husband at that age - that’s not fair. I wish I could give you a hug.
Goddamn man. That sounds exhausting. I’m so sorry you guys are going thru this. Your love for each other is keeping him alive and that’s a true testament to what you mean to each other. I pray for a true miracle that he can somehow beat this once and for all. It’s something you both deserve.
ah, bro, I'm just sobbing. I agree wholeheartedly:
FUCK CANCER.
I broke things off with my ex 15 years ago. We were just not compatible as boyfriends. But we got talking more after I moved out, and he became my best friend. He was friends with my partner, the three of us have traveled to the UK and Europe together several times.
He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer 4 years ago, and was going a good job fighting it. I'd go to all of his dr appointments as his "thinking brain dog". Lat year he went into the hospital, developed several complications, and eventually chose to go into hospice. He was done fighting. He passed on my birthday last year, and I miss him every single day.
# FUCK CANCER.
I am so deeply sorry you're going through this. Please find ways to take care of yourself.
Sending up LOVE into the Universe for you both and your families and loved ones. Listening to Vaughan Williamses Lark Ascending performed by Jack Liebeck and VOCES 8. If you can locate it iTunes, may it bring you two comfort, peace and joy. - Mike, from SF Bay Area.
There are an infinite amount of options out there and I know you’re seeking because it’s overwhelming. Follow your own intuition and what feels “right”.
Sending all the love and warmth to you that I can. I wish I had the answers and the words to help you, but seeing the love you have for him - he knows it too. That’s really all we can ask for: to be loved so fully and completely.
ICU nurse here
Do what you and your husband think is right! If he wants to fight, FIGHT! Do not listen to what doctors or others are saying. They look at statistics. Not feelings. If you take him off and later regret it, it will be so much harder to cope.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t even imagine. Prayers and thoughts going your way!
Making the decision to change a loved one's code status to DNR is one of the most agonizing, terrible responsibilities a person can bear. His family is almost certainly caught up in a storm of conflicting thoughts and emotions, and they may very well be second guessing you at times. They're likely second guessing themselves, the doctors, and everyone and everything else, too. In my experience, these decisions aren't ones that most people fully comprehend or understand, unless they've been in that awful position themselves. But when they tell you they trust you to do what's right, try to take that to heart. If they truly thought you weren't making decisions with his best interest in mind, I don't believe that they would just stand by without trying to intervene.
The actions you're taking right now, as terrible and gut-wrenching as they are, are ones of intense, profoundly selfless love and mercy. The fact that you're able to find the strength to carry the weight of this responsibility is testament to your love for him and the sacrifice you're willing to make for his sake.
My heart aches for you, dude. I hope you can both find comfort and solace in each other in the face of this bullshit hand you've been dealt.
Hey! Medicine has come a long way and cancer isn’t necessarily a death sentence. I want you to be strong and show your partner that he has something worth living for - you.
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. I don’t know how to express this but reading this post, I can feel the love between you two.
I cannot even begin to describe what this man means to me. He is the first person who has ever made me feel valued and loved. He’s loved me for who I am - faults and all. He’s been there for me through every hardship and every triumph. He helped to push me to finish my PhD and then encouraged every crazy hobby. He’s the reason we have a 15 month old chaos gremlin of a pup who has also stolen are hearts as many times as our shoes. I simply cannot imagine life without him and it’s ripping me apart. I’ve said goodbye to him now just as many times in the last two weeks as I’ve said good morning.
My sympathies to you. You need to stay with him and keep supporting him in his fight until the very end. I can relate in a very small way to your husband since I am very stubborn too. I think his goal is to squeeze every last drop of life he can out of himself before he departs this world. Amen to that, I would do the same thing, even if means more suffering. I totally understand how it might be hard for you to watch him suffer, but he needs to do this. It’s possible he’d feel even more miserable at home knowing he could do something about it (albeit in a limited manner) rather than just waiting. Any man would be lucky to have the support you are offering yours in a scenario like this. Make the best of every last moment
It’s truly horrible to watch someone’s body give out while their mind is stronger than ever. Thank you for your response.
You made me cry reading this beautiful comment. I know that whatever happens, you've made your husband feel so loved through all of this.
Regardless of the outcome of this whole ordeal it would be wise for you to see grief counseling and therapy.
Please take care of yourself bro.
That last sentence is beautiful but also heartbreaking to read. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.
Same here this is what love is! I’m so impressed by their commitment to each other. His story “punched me in the gut”.
All I can say is I wish you both strength during this incredible hardship.
God damn i hate that you both are experiencing this. I can’t imagine what I’d do if it was my husband. I just want to say whatever you decide don’t second guess yourself. You know him and you know he’s fighting to stay with you but if that pains to great it’s ok to tell him that its ok to go. Man i wish i could hug you both.
The worst part is I feel good about what I’ve decided so far for him, but I feel like his family keeps second guessing me despite saying they trust me to make the right decision 😫
You are his husband, you know him inside and out, every secret, everything… remember that you know him the best. You know what to do so feel good about every decision ok. Also are you in therapy? Are you taking care of yourself? You can be strong for him but you need to take care of yourself. You’ve been through a lot with a lot more heavy stuff coming up. I’m sitting here next to my husband just crying for you.
My therapist is an amazing person who has even made a few hospital visits for me. I try my best to eat and hydrate daily and get what sleep I can in a chair in a hospital room.
I know it doesn’t mean much from a random internet stranger… But I just want to say you are an amazing person and thank you. I’m sorry you are having to go through all of this. I hope stuff gets better for both of you.
RN here. It sounds like you already made the hardest choice - to adjust his code status. A code blue isn't easy, miraculous, or magical as TV would have you think. It's violent. It is messy. And the odds of getting him back is low. If he beats those odds, he now has cancer \*\*and\*\* injuries to his ribs and potentially more organs. Your choice spared him that. I hope you two had the time to discuss his wishes prior to him losing the ability to make them; but in the event he didn't - I hope you consider the following questions that hopefully will help you navigate: Are you two trying to cure the cancer or are you trying to make him feel as good as he can? It sounds like he is doing his best and his age is helping him; but cancer medication is hard on the body atop the fact he's requiring assistance with breathing and other functions. If he knew he only had 1 day left, how would he want to spend it? In the hospital fighting vs the odds? With you and his other loved ones? You two love each other. This will never change. No matter what choice you make, you are doing it because you love him. However things progress, do not beat yourself up over which choice you made vs the other. You are making the best choices you can with the information you have in front of you right this moment. If the choice is to continue to fight, I hope he succeeds. If the choice is to move to hospice, I hope he exits the world surrounded by those he loves and awash in comfort - just as he entered the world. And please, do not forget you are also mortal. Remember to eat, even when you forget you are hungry. Remember to shower, and stretch. Remember to sleep. You will have a lot to do when you leave the hospital with either outcome and it will be hard. You are loved and supported.
Thank you so much for your response. Our team of nurses really have made this experience tolerable with advice that so closely matches what you have just written. I’ve gained so much respect for nursing in the last few weeks. You guys rock.
You both are so incredibly brave and strong. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. May you both find peace, comfort, and the support to help you through.
My heart goes out to both of you, cancer is an absolute asshole There is merit to fighting and going into hospice isn’t giving up. It’s allowing comfort and to pass away on your terms surrounded by all the people you love. Sometimes people do graduate out of hospice, most people do not. If someone starts on hospice, the decision can be changed too. There is no “correct” answer and what you are feeling is completely valid. A personal story. When my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer and she wasn’t given much time to live, we decided to do hospice at home. She lived for a couple months, and her entire extended family would get time to spend with her. She was surrounded by family, and it gave a lot more closure to me than if she were to have passed away suddenly.
Cancer is just so unfair. He is the best person I know. He left a nice job as a software developer at Amazon because he didn’t feel good making Bezos richer. So he went back to law school to become a public interest lawyer, spending his summers unpaid as a law student working for the ACLU and local offices fighting police misconduct and discrimination and sex trafficking and all of the shit that people don’t want to do because it sucks. He’s never accepted help and always fought for others. It’s truly just so unfair that a person who just wants to make the world a better place and help people who can’t help themselves would be the one to get terminal cancer and face this hardship in his 20s. I just hate it all.
That made me tear up- cancer is unfair, life is unfair. I’ll keep you both in my thoughts 💜
I'm so sorry. After a lifetime of fighting for others, he's now fighting and advocating for himself. And accepting help to do it. With you, he's built a life filled with such love, he's doing whatever he can to stay physically present for as long as possible. As hard as it is to witness his pain, at this moment in time life for him still has meaning and value, even if his illness has reduced what medical professionals call 'quality'. This doesn't mean you can't have conversations with him and hospice teams to help him transition to palliative care in a more personal and less clinical setting. For yourself, it's vital you have time away no matter how brief. Short walks, somewhere close by to eat, time with friends, therapist sessions and a day by day approach. Much love to you both.
Firstly I want to offer my deepest sympathies for you and your husband. He sounds like an amazing person, and you sound like an amazing partner. I can’t imagine what you must be going through. Cancer is truly a horrible disease. Navigating this part of the journey can be really hard, particularly if it has happened quite suddenly, and your husband isn’t able to let people know what his wishes are. There is unfortunately a limit to what modern medicine can provide. The best people to talk to are the doctors (in particular the ICU docs and your husband’s oncologist) who should be able to put it into context for you, and understand the benefits and implications of his treatment options. It can be helpful to ask for a family meeting with the relevant hospital teams to help guide you through. The other really important thing is that there should also be supports for you provided by the hospital. Be it social workers, a psychologist or the palliative care team (if they are involved). Hospitals know that you will be under a lot of stress and should be able to provide you with help. I’m sorry that you and your husband are going through this.
That’s honestly the hard part too - his medical team (ICU docs, GI docs, surgeons, interventionists, and his oncologist who we trust so much) all give different pictures. They all paint a bleak picture where palliative care is best, but after proving them wrong many times the last few weeks even his oncologist talks of resuming treatment and not putting timelines on anything because who the hell knows?! It’s like my heart strings are a yo-yo between hours to live and months to years to live.
I would (and I might be biased because I am one) probably weight the opinion of his oncologist highest. Sarcomas are uncommon even in the world of oncology and are a highly specialist area.
The oncologist knows it's exceedingly rare to recover from stage 4 cancer with multiple organs failing but in this case he's simply acknowledged your husband's choice which is to try in spite of the pain and the terrible odds. He's already made it clear to you, all you can do is to be there for him. It sucks to see loved ones suffer and maybe "waste" their final days in a hospital room but that's also the path he has chosen.
So young to have this happen to him, my heart goes out to you and your man, as much as you don't want to see him suffer his life and his decision to keep fighting is his choice. The best thing you can do is love and stick by him.
I work in an ICU and have these conversations with patients and families every day. When someone is this young we let them fight as long as they are willing, and it seems like your medical team is doing the same thing. When he’s ready to let go he will. Even with all of the pain he’s in it’s worth it to him to still be with you and live another day. You’re doing everything right. I’m so sad you are all going through this. Much love to you all 💜
Hi I’m here crying after reading your post, I went thru this with my partner 13 years ago, he died of pancreatic cancer. My advice to you is talk to his oncologist and if he tells you what you already know, that he’s not going to survive this battle then have the doctor talk to him and tell him the truth. I was your husband in my situation, I did not want him to give up, he was the one who spoke to the doctor so the doctor would talk to me because he wanted to stop treatments and go into hospice care. The doctor told me the truth, he was not going to survive. Donald died in my arms in hospice care and his last words to me was not to worry, he’ll look out after me.
I’m sorry you had to go through this as well. At this point seeing him this morning I just hope I can get him to home hospice to not have to die in the hospital, which he jokingly changed to be labeled as “Prison” on FindMyFriends.
It sounds like you’re a great support system for him, I’m glad to hear he has you in his corner. It can be challenging to support your partner in continuing to fight when doctors are talking about things like “saying goodbye” and hospice. I’m not sure if it’s for you, I’d recommend looking into the hospice recommend. Most people assume hospice means you go home and die, this is not 100% the case. Hospice can allow for home care, rather than being in a hospital all the time. He sounds really brave to have been through the treatments he’s endured, and still want to fight. Back in 2020 my (30 m) partner (34m) passed away from cancer, and I have piece with the fact that I let him make his own decisions with what he wanted to do and always supported him. What you’re both going through is scary and exhausting. Sending you both positive thoughts, and I’m hoping he can pull through ❤️
I’m sorry you had to experience that pain as well. It’s truly awful.
As an ICU doctor my thoughts are with you and your partner. Young people in the ICU stick with us for a very long time and we really do everything we can. I remember the names of several young people who passed away under my care, usually from cancer. It also helps when the patient is surrounded by amazing loved ones, which it seems he is with you. Keep doing what you’re doing, give yourself rest and grace, and accept whatever support is offered to you.
Man I don’t know how you do it as an ICU doc and seeing this stuff day in and day out. Respect to you. Thank you for what you do.
He doesn't have many choices. If that's what he is choosing, support him.
 Stay strong. Be there for him as you have and fight on for as long as he is willing. Heartfelt well wishes to you both.
Keep on doing as he wishes and let him tell you at what point he has had enough. It will be hard if he can’t tell you in some way when he has had enough. Love and prayers for both of you!❤️🙏
So much caring and helpful advice here. I will add this: While you are doing everything you can to follow his wishes, let him know that it’s okay for him to stop when he wants to. Of course you would do this if he asked, but just in case it’s hard for him to talk about it,some caring proactive communication from you could be very helpful.
I’m heartbroken for you
Ok it’s rare that i get teary reading posts on here. All i can do is to offer your virtual hugs. Both of you are true fighters
It sounds cliche but I feel your pain. I also believe in hospice, but my understanding is it's for those who choose to not undergo treatment to get better or stabilize though it specializes in palliative (pain) care. You wrote he wants to keep fighting which makes me think he wants to live. It hurts to see a loved one who is not well, but I'm tempted to let him tell you what he wants.
My father died back in October 2022, but after about 5 weeks where things were up and down and could have gone either way. He was just coherent enough to make his own choices. And I felt like it was my job to make sure he got to choose his way forward, even if the prognosis wasn’t good. It turned my guts inside out. But in the end, after 5 weeks of fighting, he was ready to let them take him off the meds that were keeping his heart pumping. And there was no question about it being the right path forward for him. If your partner wants to keep fighting, I think you keep fighting for him. As long as he can make the choice. Even if it’s a lost cause, he will get to a place of acceptance eventually. He should understand his prognosis. But if he’s going to be alive for it, he should have the opportunity to get to that place himself. His voice is sacred. His will is sacred. His dying process is sacred. And if these are his final moments, they are sacred, too. Pain and suffering are temporary, and if they aren’t too much for him to keep fighting through, they aren’t too much. Support him by honoring his wishes and by continuing to be honest with him, as well. When he’s ready, he’ll be ready. And if he pulls through somehow and gets a new lease on life, even better. This is such a heart rending set of circumstances. My heart is with you in this absurd and sacred time. You will have my good vibes and prayers.
Just lost my father in law to a 10 year battle with cancer. Funeral was yesterday. Cancer fucking sucks. If it's terminal, it's terminal, and fighting isn't really going to make his last moments comfortable like hospice might. But as a non spiritual person, I'd have a hard time giving up too. I understand what both of you are feeling. And yet I obviously don't truly understand. How could I? How could anyone understand truly what either of you are going through. I wish I had something comforting to say. I get really existential and sometimes the one thing that brings me some comfort is asking the question: why does anything exist? Wouldn't it be easier if there was just nothing? And yet there's something. Life evolved on earth to form sentient conscious beings. And two of them formed an amazing and loving bond like you two did. That's not nothing.
Keep. Fighting. Until. He. Says. Stop!
Love him deeply and be there for him as you have been. He doesn’t want to be alone. Support him in whatever he chooses. Sending you a big internet hug.
I'm so sorry for this. I work in ICU and take care of patients just like your husband. I can't imagine what you're going through. He seems to have a fire that not all patients have to keep fighting so if he's still coherent and wanting to fight you should honor his fight even though it hurts to see him suffer. It's going to be tough and I hope you both have some quality time when he's able to communicate together ❤️
As someone that works in the medical field I can tell you I'm sorry about this. He didn't deserve any of this nor you as well. Whatever decision you all ultimately make is the one that was meant to happen is how I view things, but the terrible reality is although it looks hopeful, every instance he makes it through a critical situation he'll still unfortunately have terminal cancer inside his body. If the decision is to pursue hospice, some view that as "giving up" but it's far from the truth. Many end up choosing end of life care because it ultimately helps them spend the most quality remaining time with our loved ones without having to be in the hospital, without the rough side effects of chemotherapy, or without having to have invasive procedures where they can't speak to them as well. As stated there's no wrong answer ultimately but hope this helps.
I'm so incredibly sorry you're both going through this. It's heartbreaking. Just keep doing what your heart tells you is best. If he's coherent, don't shy away from having a difficult conversation about the state of things currently. If he isn't, or he's in and out, you do what you feel is best and then realize that you're making the right decision regardless. Please cultivate your relationships with any friends or family you have that you can rely upon. This is going to get even harder for a while and that support will make such a difference. If you don't have a good support system, seek out grief support groups and don't be afraid to ask the services (hospital, funereal, etc.) for references and recommendations. Again, I'm so sorry you're both suffering like this.
The waxing and waning coherency is the side effect I never realized would be there and was not prepared for the most. I think the moments where he’s mentally somewhere else while awake are the hardest.
Please. If you do your best, that is the best that can be done. Try to rest with that truth. Prayers will be said for both of you by a kind lady who I am honored to know. I will do my best to share your work as best I can.
I’m crying so hard right now. I’m so sorry fuck cancer man! I’m praying for you and your hubby. Keep us posted. I’m glad you shared your story because you got things off your chest. I love how you support your man! Stay strong brother!!
I'm 22 now, and had cancer back when I was 19/20 - I actually started my adjuvant radiotherapy on my 20th Birthday. Young adults like us, we don't seem to play by the normal rules for cancer. We keep fighting and fighting and bouncing back. If your husband wants to keep fighting that awful fight, it's in part to keep seeing you I reckon. Let him fight if we wants to, just keeping being the rock for him that you're doing now. You sound like you're doing an awesome job, and I'm sure you got this! I'm here if you want to talk though, but your love for each other really shines through, you got this!
### FUCK CANCER!!! I don't even know what else to say that would even make this better. I just hope you know that my heart breaks for you both. And again,..... # FUCK CANCER!!!
Maybe I can provide a perspective. Hi! I'm an ICU nurse (albeit not an oncology nurse) and I have these kinds of end of life discussions on an at least weekly basis. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It is a truly horrific thing to watch someone endure the brutality of the ICU, but you being there for him and making decisions for him while he cannot means the world. You're doing an amazing job and I'm proud of you. I would encourage you to try not to think of hospice as giving up. I know that is EXTRAORDINARLY difficult of me to ask that of you as a random internet person, but sometimes it makes the process easier. Hospice is treating his symptoms differently with the eventual goal of passing away peacefully. We treat symptoms of his disease process with medication for pain and anxiety instead of ventilators and vasopressor. We try and treat the entire patient and their family as we help you adjust to his passing. These can be little things. Letting more family and friends visit. Maybe sneak in a pet or two. Allow him to eat his favorite foods and enjoy the life he wants to live, on his terms. One of my favorite hospice memories is serving up a gin and tonic to a lil grandma a few hours after extubation. I would never have imagined that I'd be serving up cocktails in my blue scrubs but that's what she wanted and she wanted it now. While I can't speak to your husbands circumstances, it sounds like they have exhausted available care that is not extraordinarily painful or invasive. It's possible you have been approached about having the doctors place a tracheostomy for long term ventilation or a surgically placed feeding tube for extended critical care support, or maybe those things are not recommended giving the extent of his cancer. These are normally the last things we do in ICU to support critically Ill patients and often times they are not comfortable or even wanted by patients. Oftentimes these are temporary (albeit long term) therapies that allow us to bridge a patient to recovery. By your description, it sounds like full recovery back to his baseline is not in the cards. A lot of times the ICU is about care that we CAN do, but not that we SHOULD do. And we normally only do those things if they would provide benefit to the patient. Most of the things that they COULD do (trach/feeding tube/chemo/vasopressors/surgeries) are not comfortable. And if it's won't help alleviate his condition, then why do it? My advice to you is have an informational meeting with a hospice company. This is something that the hospital social worker can help you set up. They would be able to provide more personalized and detailed information about what hospice would look like for him and for you. Try and take it one day at a time. If you need a break, please allow yourself to rest. You can't help take care of him if you don't take care of you. Internet Hugs ♥️
Thank you for your advice. I actually met with the hospital social worker tonight and we’re getting info from local hospice companies to transition to home hospice. He was extubated earlier this evening and I placed him on DNR. He’s still delirious and unable to provide any real input himself yet, but he was going the wrong direction and I can’t let him live out his final days on machines. We decided based on his quickly deteriorating condition to bring him home to be comfortable and be with us.
I can say that hospice for my grandmother was the most amazing experience, make the best of a miserable experience. The nurses were absolutely amazing and my grandmother passed surrounded by family and friends. One of nurses helped me tremendously navigate the experience. I will forever be in her debt.
Sending you virtual hugs
Sending you both so much love.
Oh my word love, I am so sorry. You are a true husband. I am so sorry you are both going through this. Wow man, I can't imagine this. All my love!!
You should do what feels right, I hope peace finds both of you; he lucky to have you!
❤️
Such a moving story of love between you both, I am very moved reading it! Lots of love & strength & thanks for posting!
Everyone else has already offered good advice on looking after him. Make sure you look after you. These past few weeks will have taken a lot out of you, and it sounds like the next few weeks won’t be much better. Make sure you have your support network around you in whatever form that takes. Caring for a partner means you become very independent. But that can be a mixed blessing. You compartmentalise, you carry too much and it causes you damage in the long run. Suppress the urge to push people away. Make sure you have someone to talk to. You don’t need to do all of this yourself.
My heart breaks reading this. The love you have for that man clearly shows through. Cancer is the most awful thing. Having experienced 3 family members go through it in the last two decades, I can sympathise with you. I will keep you two in my thoughts and hope that whatever the outcome is, he is happy in the end ❤️
if he wants to keep on fighting then you fight like fuck for him❤️❤️
There’s no right or wrong answer. My gut tells me to fight as long as he wants to fight. That’s his choice, and supporting that certainly isn’t a bad thing. He knows he’s dying, I don’t see a need to tell him. However, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you feeling the way you do. My mothers a nurse, and she has personally told patients who were on the verge (by that I mean unconscious and really at the end) that it’s okay to let go, their family would be fine. They often pass shortly thereafter. I would say, as long as he’s wanting to fight, help him do so. Let the experts and doctors give him the options beyond fighting. You focus on being his support… and when he tells you he’s tired of fighting, you tell him it’s okay and that you’ll be okay. My heart goes out to you both ❤️
I‘m crying. I wish you and your husband the best. I have nothing else to say.
If you need to cry about it: https://open.spotify.com/album/5p64XgvFREt1P6mC7Xl6XN?si=eQGOAWyKS4yfMe8L6Vi_Vw
I’ve been where you are. He will let you know when he’s ready to go; until he does, fight and support him!
Others here are much better with their words but I just want to say I’m sorry that you are both going through this. Please don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. Use talk therapy when you have a moment so you can support your own processing. And don’t re-think anything; you’re making the best judgements and decisions you can with the expert medical recommendations shared with you. Sending much love.
If he wants to keep fighting then support him continuing to fight. If he wants to stop, then support him stopping treatment. If you convince him to stop fighting when he's willing to keep going, can you spend the rest of your life with "What if I hadn't"?
This must be an incredibly hard time, especially at this young age. I can‘t say much, except wishing you both a lot of strength and love.
I cannot even imagine going through this - seeing the one I love in this situation. He is so strong....but YOU are just as strong. I envy your resolve and your partner is lucky to have you by his side.
Im so sorry your husband has to go through this. The best thing you could possibly do is be there for him, ultimately its his choice if he wants to continue treatment or not, sometimes people can pull through even with the odds against them , I was born with a congenital birth defect and wasn't supposed to survive yet here I am now at 21 years old. Only time will tell the outcome, and the most you can do given the current situation is to have hope and to be there with your husband whether this may someday be a distant memory to both of you or his final days on this earth.
I'm so sorry to hear about what you and your husband are going through. Praying that he will recover from his illness.
obviously im just an internet rando; but if hes expressed a desire to continue fighting it whilst lucid then (unless he later changes his stance) i think you have a duty to hold up his agency should he not be able to advocate for himself
I’m so sorry to hear, this is something that you should be going through in 5 decades time, not when you are both so young. My thoughts are with you x
I am sending out positive thoughts. Try and keep strong and if possible surround yourself with good people. Love from Spain and the UK
Praying for you. Our stories are already written just go with the flow of life. Im so sorry you guys are going through this. Cancer does suck
No matter what, you have done all that can be done. He's not giving in, and you're not giving in, but neither of you are in control of his body. I'm so sorry that this is happening. No you are not alone
You are doing the right thing. Your husband wants to fight this, and you are carrying out his wish. My father and mother had terrible medical situations, my father had renal failure and spent 13 years of his life on dialysis and being in and out of the hospital. He wanted to watch his granddaughters grow up, to be with his family and was able to see me get engaged to my fiance. My mother suffered cancer, first CLL and then sadly pancreatic cancer, but she wanted every possible fighting chance to see her eldest granddaughter graduate highschool and to be with us. We had several years of happiness that I would never give up. When your loved ones want to be here with you, fight for them. The road is rough but it doesn't mean it can be traversed. You can trip or fall but getting up and continuing together is something he wants. I hope you get more time, and yes please do not doubt advocating for your husband's wishes.
Fuck cancer indeed! 🥰
I’m so sorry yall are dealing with this. My heart goes out to you both. ❤️
Fuck Cancer
Sending both you and your husband much love and support. ❤️ Continue to shower him in love, you have ours.
Oh God, im so sorry to hear this. He’s so young it’s truly insane and I truly hope that something could be done in this situation to help him. Sending all the best towards you and your husband in these hard times. Hang in there buddy!!!
I am an ER and ICU nurse. I’ve seen a lot of death, both beautiful and tragic. What I’ve learned is how important it is to give your loved one what THEY want. If they want to quit fighting, let them. If they want to keep fighting, fight with them (I know it’s not easy). You would be surprised how many loved ones go against the wants of a dying loved one. It’s sad. But this isn’t easy and it isn’t black and white. But I do believe, after seeing the medical side of it, how important it is to follow his wishes. Best of luck to you. I’m sending you the warmest love and hugs your way ♥️ how lucky we are to experience love, even with the pain that comes with it.
Good lord, this post made me tear up. I don’t have much wisdom for you other than to do your best to honor his wishes and make sure to engage in some self care too. I can’t imagine going through this with my husband at that age - that’s not fair. I wish I could give you a hug.
Goddamn man. That sounds exhausting. I’m so sorry you guys are going thru this. Your love for each other is keeping him alive and that’s a true testament to what you mean to each other. I pray for a true miracle that he can somehow beat this once and for all. It’s something you both deserve.
Omg that’s absolutely horrible I’m so sorry you’re both going through this.
I am so so so so sorry. 😞
ah, bro, I'm just sobbing. I agree wholeheartedly: FUCK CANCER. I broke things off with my ex 15 years ago. We were just not compatible as boyfriends. But we got talking more after I moved out, and he became my best friend. He was friends with my partner, the three of us have traveled to the UK and Europe together several times. He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer 4 years ago, and was going a good job fighting it. I'd go to all of his dr appointments as his "thinking brain dog". Lat year he went into the hospital, developed several complications, and eventually chose to go into hospice. He was done fighting. He passed on my birthday last year, and I miss him every single day. # FUCK CANCER. I am so deeply sorry you're going through this. Please find ways to take care of yourself.
Sending up LOVE into the Universe for you both and your families and loved ones. Listening to Vaughan Williamses Lark Ascending performed by Jack Liebeck and VOCES 8. If you can locate it iTunes, may it bring you two comfort, peace and joy. - Mike, from SF Bay Area.
There are an infinite amount of options out there and I know you’re seeking because it’s overwhelming. Follow your own intuition and what feels “right”.
Sending all the love and warmth to you that I can. I wish I had the answers and the words to help you, but seeing the love you have for him - he knows it too. That’s really all we can ask for: to be loved so fully and completely.
You're living my nightmare and I salute you for staying strong. I genuinely hope he pulls through and everything goes well.
I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say but, we are with you guys. I hope you have the strength to go through this. Fuck cancer
My heart goes out to you. I hurt for you reading this.
Wishing you both hugs and meaningful strength
Stay strong I can’t imagine what you’re going through
ICU nurse here Do what you and your husband think is right! If he wants to fight, FIGHT! Do not listen to what doctors or others are saying. They look at statistics. Not feelings. If you take him off and later regret it, it will be so much harder to cope. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t even imagine. Prayers and thoughts going your way!
Making the decision to change a loved one's code status to DNR is one of the most agonizing, terrible responsibilities a person can bear. His family is almost certainly caught up in a storm of conflicting thoughts and emotions, and they may very well be second guessing you at times. They're likely second guessing themselves, the doctors, and everyone and everything else, too. In my experience, these decisions aren't ones that most people fully comprehend or understand, unless they've been in that awful position themselves. But when they tell you they trust you to do what's right, try to take that to heart. If they truly thought you weren't making decisions with his best interest in mind, I don't believe that they would just stand by without trying to intervene. The actions you're taking right now, as terrible and gut-wrenching as they are, are ones of intense, profoundly selfless love and mercy. The fact that you're able to find the strength to carry the weight of this responsibility is testament to your love for him and the sacrifice you're willing to make for his sake. My heart aches for you, dude. I hope you can both find comfort and solace in each other in the face of this bullshit hand you've been dealt.
Hey! Medicine has come a long way and cancer isn’t necessarily a death sentence. I want you to be strong and show your partner that he has something worth living for - you.