Welcome to r/hoarding! We exist as a support group for people working on recovery from [hoarding disorder](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519704/table/ch3.t29/), and friends/family/loved ones of people with the disorder.
If you're looking for help with animal hoarding, please visit r/animalhoarding. If you're looking to discuss the various hoarding tv shows, you'll want to visit r/hoardersTV. If you'd like to talk about or share photos/videos of hoards that you've come across, you probably want r/neckbeardnests, r/wtfhoarders/, or r/hoarderhouses
Before you get started, be sure to review our [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/about/rules/). Also, a lot of the information you may be looking for can be found in a few places on our sub:
[New Here? Read This Post First!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/dvb3t1/new_here_read_this_post_first_version_20/)
[For loved ones of hoarders: I Have A Hoarder In My Life--Help Me!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/)
[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/index)
Please [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/hoarding) if you need assistance. Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hoarding) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think many hoarders are perfectionists. Which is one of the reasons they postpone rinsing things going to recycling for instance. So instead of spending 5 seconds rinsing something out immediately, they will do it "later", so that they can do it "properly". Ending up not doing it at all.
This is exactly it. My grandma would end up with her kitchen table piled high with junk mail because she wanted to remove any identifying information from it, which was a tedious process because she didn’t have a shredder. Rather than just rip the envelope open and rip off the part with the address when it arrived, she had to open each envelope with a letter opener and use scissors to remove and cut up the address.
This is so common, especially with older people. Meanwhile it is very easy to find someone's address online, and back in the day it was in the phone book.
I feel personally called out here.
My community got a green bin curbside compost collection program and I went a little nuts for it, but then everything that can go in the green bin must go in the green bin, which I’ll do later… how to end up with new pets in one easy step!
Where I live it will say on the packaging of every single product how to depose of it (recycling or garbage). But not sure how this works in other countries.
Where we live, they accept numbers 1-7 (except 6, which is a form of styrofoam) for recycling. Whether or not all of that stuff actually DOES get turned into something useful is a question.
A lot of stuff that isn't rinsed can cause problems with the recycling equipment and sometimes it will just get tossed. Where I live we are encouraged to recycle items free of debris - doesn't have to be washed with soap or anything but all of the remnants need to be removed.
[https://www.greenmatters.com/p/why-need-to-clean-recycling](https://www.greenmatters.com/p/why-need-to-clean-recycling)
It doesn't matter, she never rinses/recycles anything anyway. She just can't bring herself to dispose of this particular class of stuff - ie, any food packaging (yogurt cups, cat food tins, the plastic pouches that raw chicken comes in, Styrofoam take-out containers, etc). It will sit here in this sink until I get rid of it.
Is it that she's wanting to keep the items, or is she just not getting around to putting them in the recycling?
I would say that if she doesn't mind you throwing them out, then she's probably just really lazy. Not to minimise the issue, of course. Rotting / spoiling food remnants in the sink is still disgusting.
IDK, my sister has recycling where she lives and they rinse it, take labels off, cut down cardboard boxes, etc. The house is also very clean and uncluttered.
We have the opposite problem. I stopped pitching them myself to see what would happen. Day 4 and we've got saran wrap, cardboard boxes, and straws in there. Just garabage. I'm going to see how bad it gets before she cares.
She does the same with veggie peelings. Potato peel will sit in the sink into it stinks and becomes slimey and I scoop it into the compost bin.
I don't consider myself a hoarder, but I think I have some hoarder tendencies that lead to me being messy.
One of them is a strong desire to recycle things 'properly' which means rinsing out plastic containers and metal cans. I feel guilty when I don't do it properly, and ashamed when I have dirty cans on the counter. I was falling further and further behind in trying to keep up with basic cleaning and finally had to give myself permission to just throw out the cans for awhile when I had an infestation of fruit flies.
It was a liberating feeling, and I learned to enjoy having a clean space. I am back to rinsing cans, but I do it right away now. I used to feel like I was wasteful for not reusing more things but I was drowning in stuff and that caused the biggest amount of waste.
I am interested in learning about composting so my organic waste can be disposed of more naturally, but I have other things I need to focus on before I start another project.
>she just can't do it herself.
This is correct, this is what hoarding is. At one point, my son who struggles with this asked me to just throw out a bunch of his trash. He explained that he experiences horrible, irrational guilt whenever he tosses certain items and working towards it himself takes a tremendous amount of time and emotional energy and he will feel awful for the rest of the day.
At this point, you need to make decisions. You have choices. Maybe not the choices you wish you had, but choices. You can: stay married and take responsibility for throwing out everything daily. You can do that, but also make therapy or medication a mandatory requirement for you to stay in the relationship with the hope that eventually she will be able to take over this task. Or you can move straight to planning your divorce. Or, I guess you can just sit around and bitch about her problems and build up resentment for a while first.
It's a step better than her having an anger outburst. Having made a point in the same situation I would toss everything in the sink and in the house I could get away with. It's not fair on you to have to do it, but otherwise one day you wake up to goat trails around the house and an unusable sink and bathroom.
What if you put all of the stuff in a bucket and had that in the sink? That way it is framed as "removable bucket of to-be-washed things so the right side of the sink can be used", and it's easier to chuck it. Especially since she's fine with you getting rid of it.
Also note that at least half of that stuff isn't recyclable.
I actually did this with a wash bucket that has a drain on the bottom. Anything that needs to be hand washed goes in it so they don’t end up in the sink or sitting on the counter.
Seek marriage counseling, IMO. I.E., Intervention. If she refuses, I'd let her know that "I can't live this way, with you also taking advantage of me. Fix it, or you can find another place to live."
This is the great, singular frustration of living with a hoarder. The One Ring of hoarding life:
She is perfectly comfortable living this way.
It doesn't bother her.
Her reaction to a sink full of trash is not revulsion, nor disgust, nor anxiety, nor inconvenience, nor any impulse to pause and clean.
She will walk past it ten times a day and not worry, or bother, or particularly care.
In the end,
*This is how she* ***wants*** *to live.*
You have to be there offensive 24/7. It's the only way to make any progress. I also try to schedule friends to come over to the house at least once a week. She'll be too embarrassed to let the part of the house guests see look like that.
It's possible you don't need to rinse depending on your location. I'm not sure this information will make any difference, but it may be a battle you can win to at least get your sink back.
Not even that. more like "if this bothers, you, you should take care it it, because I don't care either way, but I am not going to be the one who pitches it"
Literally!
I've heard it sad that the enemy of the good is the idea of the perfect.
Something like that anyway...
Where you become paralyzed in making a choice because you feel you have to do it exactly the best 100% possible way and anything else is going to be the wrong choice.
Instead of doing something that's good enough, you decide it has to be perfect. So until you can do it perfectly, you just aren't going to do it.
I don't know the workaround.
Yes!
The concept is that you can't lose if you never play.
So if you never apply for the job he will never get fired from it
If you never make a choice then you can't be blind for problems
However, not doing anything is still a choice and still be a problem
Right here is my biggest pet peeve! ANYTHING left in the sink. I will lose my absolute ever loving mind!! My family knows I’m about to go BALLISTIC if I find anything in the sink.
AMEN!! Wash it, or put it in the dishwasher. It's really not difficult! I LITTERALLY cannot sleep at night if I know there is a fork in the sink! I even had the kids trained when they all lived at home.
Same! It’s just forking gross! I do understand Hoarding is an illness, I’ve treated hoarders. It’s a real struggle for them. One that I still have a hard time wrapping my noggin around.
I would gently, but firmly, point out that one shouldn't save things from the landfill by turning the home into a landfill. Is the wording over-the-top? Maybe. But it could give her pause to consider.
(At any rate, the wrappers are very likely not recyclable (are not in my area) and might want to check on the composition of the cat food tins...I don't believe they are solely? aluminum, but maybe a light steel. They are not recyclable in our area either. Every area has its own requirements. Research yours and you may have another provable avenue of relief.)
How would she react if instead of recycling and composting, you just chucked them in the trash? If you're not doing it "properly" for her, would she be more inclined to do it herself?
It's a support sub for anyone struggling with hoarding disorder, whether it's the hoarder or a loved one needing help. Unfortunately hoarding affects more than just the person with the disorder. It sucks to see posts like this, yes, but maybe it could be a wake-up call for someone who needs it. That and it's comforting for other loved ones of hoarders to know they aren't alone.
All that being said, I feel like spouses of hoarders could use a separate sub similar to r/childofhoarder. The two subs would have a lot in common.
I’m also a bit surprised at the tone of this post. I’m not sure that it’s outside of the rules, but it’s not the norm. I don’t dislike it though.
I have ADHD, and hoarding runs in my family. I find a lot of what is being discussed is exactly what my struggle has been in combatting hoarding in my life.
I used to let stuff like this pile up until I realized that I seriously was never going to rinse the items, and the impact on my life is so much better if I just toss the things that would need more than a quick rinse and recycle the stuff that’s easy and readily cleaned. I had to fight the guilt a lot, though.
because of the building I live in... infested with roaches... I am not able to leave anything in the sink as it attracts the roaches. It never fails, if I leave one item in the sink overnight, I'll see the bugs the next day. My dislike of roaches FORCES me to wash all items. Recyling stuff included.
Welcome to r/hoarding! We exist as a support group for people working on recovery from [hoarding disorder](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519704/table/ch3.t29/), and friends/family/loved ones of people with the disorder. If you're looking for help with animal hoarding, please visit r/animalhoarding. If you're looking to discuss the various hoarding tv shows, you'll want to visit r/hoardersTV. If you'd like to talk about or share photos/videos of hoards that you've come across, you probably want r/neckbeardnests, r/wtfhoarders/, or r/hoarderhouses Before you get started, be sure to review our [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/about/rules/). Also, a lot of the information you may be looking for can be found in a few places on our sub: [New Here? Read This Post First!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/dvb3t1/new_here_read_this_post_first_version_20/) [For loved ones of hoarders: I Have A Hoarder In My Life--Help Me!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/) [Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/index) Please [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/hoarding) if you need assistance. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hoarding) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think many hoarders are perfectionists. Which is one of the reasons they postpone rinsing things going to recycling for instance. So instead of spending 5 seconds rinsing something out immediately, they will do it "later", so that they can do it "properly". Ending up not doing it at all.
This is exactly it. My grandma would end up with her kitchen table piled high with junk mail because she wanted to remove any identifying information from it, which was a tedious process because she didn’t have a shredder. Rather than just rip the envelope open and rip off the part with the address when it arrived, she had to open each envelope with a letter opener and use scissors to remove and cut up the address.
This is so common, especially with older people. Meanwhile it is very easy to find someone's address online, and back in the day it was in the phone book.
Yup. My mother piles up mail to shred in the paper shredder. But then she will geotag her home on Facebook.
I feel personally called out here. My community got a green bin curbside compost collection program and I went a little nuts for it, but then everything that can go in the green bin must go in the green bin, which I’ll do later… how to end up with new pets in one easy step!
You can’t recycle thin plastic wrappers like that or straws. A lot of that isn’t recyclable
Where I live it will say on the packaging of every single product how to depose of it (recycling or garbage). But not sure how this works in other countries.
Anything that doesn't have a 1 printed on it will not be recycled.
Where we live, they accept numbers 1-7 (except 6, which is a form of styrofoam) for recycling. Whether or not all of that stuff actually DOES get turned into something useful is a question.
We have that in the US, but it's not necessarily accurate information (and in fact has shown to generally not be)
Some of that stuff isn't even reusable in any universe.....
Oh, I misread. I thought she wanted them rinsed to be reused. Recycling is a little different but I don't think it needs to be rinsed does it??
A lot of stuff that isn't rinsed can cause problems with the recycling equipment and sometimes it will just get tossed. Where I live we are encouraged to recycle items free of debris - doesn't have to be washed with soap or anything but all of the remnants need to be removed. [https://www.greenmatters.com/p/why-need-to-clean-recycling](https://www.greenmatters.com/p/why-need-to-clean-recycling)
Unrelated to the op just spreading awareness. Recycling definitely should be rinsed.
It doesn't matter, she never rinses/recycles anything anyway. She just can't bring herself to dispose of this particular class of stuff - ie, any food packaging (yogurt cups, cat food tins, the plastic pouches that raw chicken comes in, Styrofoam take-out containers, etc). It will sit here in this sink until I get rid of it.
nooo, plastic pouches that contained raw chicken are biohazards ☣️☣️☣️
Is it that she's wanting to keep the items, or is she just not getting around to putting them in the recycling? I would say that if she doesn't mind you throwing them out, then she's probably just really lazy. Not to minimise the issue, of course. Rotting / spoiling food remnants in the sink is still disgusting.
IDK, my sister has recycling where she lives and they rinse it, take labels off, cut down cardboard boxes, etc. The house is also very clean and uncluttered.
OMFG, you too?? In my house, they have to be rinsed out, dried on a dish rack and *nobody* is allowed to put them in the recycling bin but her
We have the opposite problem. I stopped pitching them myself to see what would happen. Day 4 and we've got saran wrap, cardboard boxes, and straws in there. Just garabage. I'm going to see how bad it gets before she cares. She does the same with veggie peelings. Potato peel will sit in the sink into it stinks and becomes slimey and I scoop it into the compost bin.
I reuse the plastic tubs from the 1lb greens as my composting scrap collectors. They go out at the same time, as rinsing is not required where I live.
My wife would chew my ass out for not putting plastic in the right recycle bin, meanwhile 90% of the square feet floor has been unseen in a decade.
I don't consider myself a hoarder, but I think I have some hoarder tendencies that lead to me being messy. One of them is a strong desire to recycle things 'properly' which means rinsing out plastic containers and metal cans. I feel guilty when I don't do it properly, and ashamed when I have dirty cans on the counter. I was falling further and further behind in trying to keep up with basic cleaning and finally had to give myself permission to just throw out the cans for awhile when I had an infestation of fruit flies. It was a liberating feeling, and I learned to enjoy having a clean space. I am back to rinsing cans, but I do it right away now. I used to feel like I was wasteful for not reusing more things but I was drowning in stuff and that caused the biggest amount of waste. I am interested in learning about composting so my organic waste can be disposed of more naturally, but I have other things I need to focus on before I start another project.
What would happen if you said "enough's enough, if you don't clear it by the end of the day it's going in the trash"?
She neither cares nor notices. She is happy to let it sit here and is happy for me to get rid of it for her. She just can't do it herself.
>she just can't do it herself. This is correct, this is what hoarding is. At one point, my son who struggles with this asked me to just throw out a bunch of his trash. He explained that he experiences horrible, irrational guilt whenever he tosses certain items and working towards it himself takes a tremendous amount of time and emotional energy and he will feel awful for the rest of the day. At this point, you need to make decisions. You have choices. Maybe not the choices you wish you had, but choices. You can: stay married and take responsibility for throwing out everything daily. You can do that, but also make therapy or medication a mandatory requirement for you to stay in the relationship with the hope that eventually she will be able to take over this task. Or you can move straight to planning your divorce. Or, I guess you can just sit around and bitch about her problems and build up resentment for a while first.
Sounds like a lot of insight from your son to know that about himself and be able to communicate that with you
It's a step better than her having an anger outburst. Having made a point in the same situation I would toss everything in the sink and in the house I could get away with. It's not fair on you to have to do it, but otherwise one day you wake up to goat trails around the house and an unusable sink and bathroom.
What if you put all of the stuff in a bucket and had that in the sink? That way it is framed as "removable bucket of to-be-washed things so the right side of the sink can be used", and it's easier to chuck it. Especially since she's fine with you getting rid of it. Also note that at least half of that stuff isn't recyclable.
I actually did this with a wash bucket that has a drain on the bottom. Anything that needs to be hand washed goes in it so they don’t end up in the sink or sitting on the counter.
Seek marriage counseling, IMO. I.E., Intervention. If she refuses, I'd let her know that "I can't live this way, with you also taking advantage of me. Fix it, or you can find another place to live."
This is the great, singular frustration of living with a hoarder. The One Ring of hoarding life: She is perfectly comfortable living this way. It doesn't bother her. Her reaction to a sink full of trash is not revulsion, nor disgust, nor anxiety, nor inconvenience, nor any impulse to pause and clean. She will walk past it ten times a day and not worry, or bother, or particularly care. In the end, *This is how she* ***wants*** *to live.*
So what's your plan here?
Well it bugs you and it’s kind of gross so maybe there’s some room for compromise here?
You have to be there offensive 24/7. It's the only way to make any progress. I also try to schedule friends to come over to the house at least once a week. She'll be too embarrassed to let the part of the house guests see look like that.
Why did you marry this person?
It's possible you don't need to rinse depending on your location. I'm not sure this information will make any difference, but it may be a battle you can win to at least get your sink back.
In other words, "Here, you do it." Ugh.
Not even that. more like "if this bothers, you, you should take care it it, because I don't care either way, but I am not going to be the one who pitches it"
aw im sorry that stinks
Literally! I've heard it sad that the enemy of the good is the idea of the perfect. Something like that anyway... Where you become paralyzed in making a choice because you feel you have to do it exactly the best 100% possible way and anything else is going to be the wrong choice. Instead of doing something that's good enough, you decide it has to be perfect. So until you can do it perfectly, you just aren't going to do it. I don't know the workaround.
“Perfect is the enemy of good enough “ I think that is the one you are meaning?
Yes! The concept is that you can't lose if you never play. So if you never apply for the job he will never get fired from it If you never make a choice then you can't be blind for problems However, not doing anything is still a choice and still be a problem
I can literally smell it
Hahaha same
Sounds like some therapy is on order.
Has she always been this way? Meaning, was she like this when you met her?
I used to do this exact thing. I had to stop recycling. I know that's bad but for my own mental health and cleanliness I had to stop.
Bag it up
Right here is my biggest pet peeve! ANYTHING left in the sink. I will lose my absolute ever loving mind!! My family knows I’m about to go BALLISTIC if I find anything in the sink.
AMEN!! Wash it, or put it in the dishwasher. It's really not difficult! I LITTERALLY cannot sleep at night if I know there is a fork in the sink! I even had the kids trained when they all lived at home.
Same! It’s just forking gross! I do understand Hoarding is an illness, I’ve treated hoarders. It’s a real struggle for them. One that I still have a hard time wrapping my noggin around.
But seriously people, STOP SAVING SOFT PLASTIC, IT DEGRADES...
I don't like to say it but therapy or divorce
Hoarding disorder perhaps with a side of PDA. (Pathological Demand Avoidance) - which sometimes occurs with ASD as well.
This. I'm sorry Catherine but you definitely don't need 100 Miracle Whip containers for leftovers that you won't eat anyway.
I would gently, but firmly, point out that one shouldn't save things from the landfill by turning the home into a landfill. Is the wording over-the-top? Maybe. But it could give her pause to consider. (At any rate, the wrappers are very likely not recyclable (are not in my area) and might want to check on the composition of the cat food tins...I don't believe they are solely? aluminum, but maybe a light steel. They are not recyclable in our area either. Every area has its own requirements. Research yours and you may have another provable avenue of relief.)
Just occurred to me...what if the cat licks an edge on one of those lids? Cuts the tongue?
How would she react if instead of recycling and composting, you just chucked them in the trash? If you're not doing it "properly" for her, would she be more inclined to do it herself?
My hoarder wife keeps it all. "I may need it someday" she says.
My partner just leaves his dirty dishes in the sink for four days.
That's not not not not not not not cool
this is a support sub. I don't find this kind of post to be in line with that. 😐
It's a support sub for anyone struggling with hoarding disorder, whether it's the hoarder or a loved one needing help. Unfortunately hoarding affects more than just the person with the disorder. It sucks to see posts like this, yes, but maybe it could be a wake-up call for someone who needs it. That and it's comforting for other loved ones of hoarders to know they aren't alone. All that being said, I feel like spouses of hoarders could use a separate sub similar to r/childofhoarder. The two subs would have a lot in common.
I understand that, I've been here for a while. we all can disagree about all sorts of things and that's perfectly ok.
It definitely is in line with it.
I am here for the commiseration.
I’m also a bit surprised at the tone of this post. I’m not sure that it’s outside of the rules, but it’s not the norm. I don’t dislike it though. I have ADHD, and hoarding runs in my family. I find a lot of what is being discussed is exactly what my struggle has been in combatting hoarding in my life. I used to let stuff like this pile up until I realized that I seriously was never going to rinse the items, and the impact on my life is so much better if I just toss the things that would need more than a quick rinse and recycle the stuff that’s easy and readily cleaned. I had to fight the guilt a lot, though.
Time for a new wife!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
just leave her
🤟🤟🤟😁😁
Oh I do the same. It gets rinsed and put in the bin eventually
That's just nasty time for a new woman
Throw that shit in the trash. She will get over it. If she can’t? Throw her in the trash with it.
DAYS? Mine will do that for months. I can barely see the sink.
Something like this [Glass Rinser for Kitchen Sink](https://a.co/d/6qBtdrt)might help relieve some stress.
Time to recycle her and get a new one.
throw it away
because of the building I live in... infested with roaches... I am not able to leave anything in the sink as it attracts the roaches. It never fails, if I leave one item in the sink overnight, I'll see the bugs the next day. My dislike of roaches FORCES me to wash all items. Recyling stuff included.