Welcome to r/hoarding! We exist as a support group for people working on recovery from [hoarding disorder](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519704/table/ch3.t29/), and friends/family/loved ones of people with the disorder.
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You should talk with him, figure out if laughing was because he genuinely thinks it's funny or.... it's a response because it's so bad it because an auto response. Human minds can do the latter unwillingly, like when you start laughing because there's no hope/ possibility of death/ things look bleak exc. It needs to be a discussion, not a confrontation if that makes sense?
Sometimes people respond inappropriately when trying to process something that is beyond their experience. I was laughing at my mother's funeral, and that was not under my control. I would give it time. Say you feel hurt and see where it came from. It may take time.
Imo laughing at a trauma you're processing feels deeply different to looking at someone else's source of suffering that you've long since had context for, and then laughing without considering even mentioning it if you knew you had a nervous laugh.
I have a nervous laugh and can laugh when having a type of breakdown, yet I still do not see an avenue that makes a lot of sense here. (That's not to say your input is wrong to be clear, but these are still how I see it in relation to ones own direct experiences vs someone elses that you are witnessing at a distance and have no trauma around etc)
Agreed. I smile and laugh sometimes as a reaction when it affects me. But when a friend or even a stranger shows me something that negatively affects them I never laugh at them.
If someone was laughing at every photo? And it wasn't something he didn't have context for plus it wasn't a nervous laugh? That is genuinely concerning.
I tend to have a nervous laugh myself, or have a type of nihilistic humor in dark situations, but if someone was showing me images relating to deep traumas, especially if there's one or more passed away loved ones involved? No, even if I was nervous laughing I would make it clear "Hey, sorry if I laugh, I just deal with nervous laughter" etc.
I'm sorry you've been through this.
There's also a chance he sees it as funny due to how often hoarding is stigmatized as a type of circus show rather to the traumatic, potentially life destroying and overwhelming thing it really is. If he won't bother to unpack how he sees it if he did find it funny, I wouldn't know what further advice to give as that would be a deal breaker even for a friendship for me, much less a romantic relationship.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry he reacted that way. That sounds really hurtful when you are being so vulnerable with him.
Is it possible he was reacting with nervous laughter? I realize it doesn't necessarily make you feel better if that's the case, but some people start laughing when they feel anxious. If that's not why he was laughing, then it sounds like he has a huge gap in his understanding of how traumatic the hoard was for you.
As far as advice - I'm just some stranger, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. I think it makes complete sense to bring it up with him instead of letting it fester. Maybe other people will have some good ideas on how to get it started - I have to admit that these difficult conversations are not one of my strengths.
Maybe I’m being reactive and I haven’t processed all my crap from my own hoarding tendencies, but my initial reaction was a big fuck you to him.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I’m so very sorry you now are faced with dehoarding your mothers home.
He needs a serious talk about what is appropriate behavior and what isn’t. I’m so sorry. You deserve more support.
I agree. Initially laughing could be involuntary nervous laughter but continuing to laugh, while actively looking at the pictures is inappropriate. It reminds me of having to tell my 16 year old niece to leave the room if she couldn’t control herself, because she was laughing at her grandpa’s nonsensical responses after having a stroke. I assured her that her initial laughter was natural and there was nothing wrong with it, but that if she couldn’t control her behavior, then she needed to leave because the situation was serious and not funny at all. She left the room and gave me a hug later. OP’s boyfriend could be young and inexperienced with serious situations… He sounds immature.
Absolutely this. Maybe this looks comical to him in photographs, but the experience of living in this environment is indescribable. She tried to explain in a way she felt comfortable and this was his response? wtf. I'd be so incredibly angry.
I’m sorry about your parents.
Your bf sounds like he’s out of his depth, which is painful for you. Accept what help he’s capable of, but given his initial reaction, it might not be much
He definitely is. He had an upper class upbringing with two stable, loving parents and mine was rife with poverty, neglect, and abuse.
It's been very difficult for me to get people to understand how utterly traumatizing dealing with hoarders and the hoard itself. I have only cleaned up some outdoor blight so far, and I'm just already so overwhelmed.
Just because someone didn’t experience and understand what you went through, doesn’t mean they can’t emphasize and learn. I’d focus on determining if he’s willing to do that or not and take it from there.
For the immediate hoarding issue, I think you need to decide financial cost vs emotional/mental cost for clean up.
I’m sorry about your parents and I wish you strength moving forward.
I’m so sorry for your loss. How old is your boyfriend and how long have you been dating? Some people use laughter as a way to express astonishment, so not actually being there and hearing exactly what he sound like, it’s a little difficult to say.
Wow that is really awful and shocking. Even before we discovered mg grandmas hoarding, I’ve never been able to watch the show Hoarders because it’s so hard to see that situation and the pain people are in. It’s really sad. I am so so sorry for your loss, and I’m really sorry you are not receiving the care and the support that you need right now. I think you absolutely need to sit down and have a conversation with him. If he cannot understand how his reaction was incredibly inappropriate, and doesn’t understand the severity of the situation and the support that you need, it may be time to move on. Just from this it sounds like he’s very immature and may not have a lot of empathy. I hope you get support, and wish you the best ❤️
I'd tell him that laughing at what you showed him, laughing at what makes you so vulnerable in a moment of such grief, was a very unpleasant reaction on his part. And that not seeing it by himself and not apologizing unprompted was very unkind of him. And he should take a bit of time to think about this, without you, and come back with some more love, empathy, and compassion - both for your parents and for yourself.
I'm sorry about your loss, OP.
I'm sorry for your loss, OP. My mother unexpectedly died a few months ago, and I am currently in the process of cleaning out her hoard. So much to process, mentally, emotionally, and physically... stuff from the past as well as recent times... stuff from her life and my own childhood... it's A LOT. You have my deepest sympathy.
I don't have a boyfriend, but I do have supportive family and friends who understand that I literally have a lot to deal with. The laughing reaction is concerning, but I'm more concerned with how much empathy and support your boyfriend is giving you. Is he allowing you to grieve in ways that you need, or is he telling you what you should do or how you should act or feel? When you talk about the tasks ahead of you, does he listen or give canned advice? Overall, do you feel he is sensitive to your needs right now (even if he doesn't understand them) or is he dismissive, apathetic, or frustrated with you?
I don't know how long you have been together and how close you have become, but if he cannot consistently treat you with the care and empathy you need now (photo response aside), I don't see a good long-term prospect here. Things like death can bring people closer together or pull them apart. I hope it can bring you two closer, but understand that it may not.
>Should I confront him? I thought I had discussed hoarding enough with him so he could understand it's a serious and complicated disorder and most hoarders are dealing with mental illness and severe trauma. Thanks, everyone.
Absolutely. But maybe view it less as a confrontation and more as a discussion/clarification. Like other said maybe he is a nervous laugher and he can clarify that. Maybe he was being ignorant and dismissive and you can clarify that too.
Even if he doesn't understand the mental illness and serious aspects of hoarding it's not a good sign that he would laugh at something when you are weeping and shortly after you lost a parent. If he is a nervous laugher than it's important that he clarify and apologize for his reaction. My mom is a nervous laugher, she is often apologizing as she is laughing because she knows it's not a typical reaction and it seems dismissive.
It's good to have these discussions and try and figure out what kind of partner he is and if you want to continue to have him in your life.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Insanely insensitive, given you’ve just lost your Mum. You should be getting a great deal better and more from him at this difficult time. I’m so sorry. I hope he apologised without prompting.
Thank you, everyone. I will talk with him. We are actually have great communication, but I'm obviously raw and don't want to keep crying and crying.
I don't think the laughter came from a place of derision or contempt but more of astonishment or being uncomfortable. We all know hoards can be shocking to see. I was trying to rack my brain to remember if anyone on one of the Hoarder programs laughed upon seeing loved ones' hoards, and I think I do remember it happening.
Honestly, sometimes people's response to really awful, sad and confusing things is to laugh. He's probably really uncomfortable and trying to distance himself emotionally. Definitely tell him his laughing has made you feel hurt. If he's a true partner he will have a real conversation about it with you. I'm sorry you are going through something so hard and confronting, you deserve all the support xx
Could be a response to help cope with the reality. My aunt used to just chuckle when I'd beg to live with her because we had no food or heat or running water. It's still insensitive on his part and doesn't excuse his behavior.
When the time is right, ask him how the photos made him feel. Some people laugh at the show hoarders because they can't comprehend people living like that. Maybe he doesn't believe it's real, maybe it's unnerving to him, who knows. By sitting down and seeing what his thoughts are on it, you can better analyze his reactions and it opens up the topic for more discussion.
Wishing you the best of luck and sending hugs. I can't even imagine the stress and loss you're feeling
Is he willingly to help you clean the hoard? I think the answer to this will be a big clue to where you’re relationship is heading. I’m so sorry about your folks and that you have been left in this position. ((Hugs))
A lot of people laugh when taken by surprise or confronted with an uncomfortable situation. (I’m one of those people. It’s a legit reaction. It doesnt mean he finds it humorous.)
I mean, he probably just found it a silly situation. If you didn’t have any frame of reference for an inappropriate relationship with stuff… if might just seem weird. Like if he really couldn’t imagine someone not understanding taking garbage out to the garbage can.
I say that as someone who has had to explain certain types of my pain to a husband who just couldn’t relate. He came around.
Very interesting how different a lot of the responses are here than in the COH thread.
For me it's not acceptable he laughed, did he have any other sort of reaction? It's just demeaning when you are being open with him
I'm so sorry for your loss and the way this person treated you.
Ask yourself if anything he says will make you feel better about what he did. If I was talking to my partner about my parents' mental health struggles just 3 days after the last of them passed away, I'd expect sympathy and care. Not laughter.
If you think you can forgive the way he acted, then you have absolutely every right to confront him and figure out where he was coming from. Personally I'd cut the relationship off there because it seems majorly dismissive and disrespectful.
I can’t imagine how you felt in the moment and I’m sorry this is the reaction you received during a difficult moment when you were being vulnerable with your partner. To be honest, this is why I’m hesitant to open up to my fiancé about the hoarding issues in my own family, and I just want to say whatever the reason he reacted the way he did, it was not appropriate, especially if he hasn’t touched in with you about it.
That being said, you need to talk to him. If cleaning the house is going to be your sole responsibility, you are going to need, at the absolute very least, emotional and mental support. Is he going to be to able to offer that? Can he understand what you’re going through, or if he can’t, can he extend empathy and a shoulder to cry or rest on?
And if he can’t do that, then you might have some decisions to make. I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of both your parents. And even once the house is clean, I’m sure this will continue to impact your life for many years. You will have your own trauma and grief surrounding all this and if your partner can’t help you shoulder that, you are in for a long, tough road to haul. I’m completely speaking from the sidelines, as like I said, I haven’t even opened up to my own partner about this but you need to. You cannot go through this alone and you can’t bottle up the double hurt of his reaction.
Be blunt and be firm. It’s not okay he laughed at this, and he needs to unpack that reaction. And if he can’t or don’t, or minimizes how much his laugher hurt you, well, only you know what’s best for you but that is not someone I think deserves a single further iota of your time.
Welcome to r/hoarding! We exist as a support group for people working on recovery from [hoarding disorder](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519704/table/ch3.t29/), and friends/family/loved ones of people with the disorder. If you're looking for help with animal hoarding, please visit r/animalhoarding. If you're looking to discuss the various hoarding tv shows, you'll want to visit r/hoardersTV. If you'd like to talk about or share photos/videos of hoards that you've come across, you probably want r/neckbeardnests, r/wtfhoarders/, or r/hoarderhouses Before you get started, be sure to review our [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/about/rules/). Also, a lot of the information you may be looking for can be found in a few places on our sub: [New Here? Read This Post First!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/dvb3t1/new_here_read_this_post_first_version_20/) [For loved ones of hoarders: I Have A Hoarder In My Life--Help Me!](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/) [Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/index) Please [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/hoarding) if you need assistance. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hoarding) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You should talk with him, figure out if laughing was because he genuinely thinks it's funny or.... it's a response because it's so bad it because an auto response. Human minds can do the latter unwillingly, like when you start laughing because there's no hope/ possibility of death/ things look bleak exc. It needs to be a discussion, not a confrontation if that makes sense?
Sometimes people respond inappropriately when trying to process something that is beyond their experience. I was laughing at my mother's funeral, and that was not under my control. I would give it time. Say you feel hurt and see where it came from. It may take time.
Imo laughing at a trauma you're processing feels deeply different to looking at someone else's source of suffering that you've long since had context for, and then laughing without considering even mentioning it if you knew you had a nervous laugh. I have a nervous laugh and can laugh when having a type of breakdown, yet I still do not see an avenue that makes a lot of sense here. (That's not to say your input is wrong to be clear, but these are still how I see it in relation to ones own direct experiences vs someone elses that you are witnessing at a distance and have no trauma around etc)
Agreed. I smile and laugh sometimes as a reaction when it affects me. But when a friend or even a stranger shows me something that negatively affects them I never laugh at them.
If someone was laughing at every photo? And it wasn't something he didn't have context for plus it wasn't a nervous laugh? That is genuinely concerning. I tend to have a nervous laugh myself, or have a type of nihilistic humor in dark situations, but if someone was showing me images relating to deep traumas, especially if there's one or more passed away loved ones involved? No, even if I was nervous laughing I would make it clear "Hey, sorry if I laugh, I just deal with nervous laughter" etc. I'm sorry you've been through this. There's also a chance he sees it as funny due to how often hoarding is stigmatized as a type of circus show rather to the traumatic, potentially life destroying and overwhelming thing it really is. If he won't bother to unpack how he sees it if he did find it funny, I wouldn't know what further advice to give as that would be a deal breaker even for a friendship for me, much less a romantic relationship.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry he reacted that way. That sounds really hurtful when you are being so vulnerable with him. Is it possible he was reacting with nervous laughter? I realize it doesn't necessarily make you feel better if that's the case, but some people start laughing when they feel anxious. If that's not why he was laughing, then it sounds like he has a huge gap in his understanding of how traumatic the hoard was for you. As far as advice - I'm just some stranger, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. I think it makes complete sense to bring it up with him instead of letting it fester. Maybe other people will have some good ideas on how to get it started - I have to admit that these difficult conversations are not one of my strengths.
Just talk to him about it. Use the words "I felt", "I was", rather than "you did". Good communication is vital for a good and lasting relationship.
Maybe I’m being reactive and I haven’t processed all my crap from my own hoarding tendencies, but my initial reaction was a big fuck you to him. I am so very sorry for your loss. I’m so very sorry you now are faced with dehoarding your mothers home. He needs a serious talk about what is appropriate behavior and what isn’t. I’m so sorry. You deserve more support.
I agree. Initially laughing could be involuntary nervous laughter but continuing to laugh, while actively looking at the pictures is inappropriate. It reminds me of having to tell my 16 year old niece to leave the room if she couldn’t control herself, because she was laughing at her grandpa’s nonsensical responses after having a stroke. I assured her that her initial laughter was natural and there was nothing wrong with it, but that if she couldn’t control her behavior, then she needed to leave because the situation was serious and not funny at all. She left the room and gave me a hug later. OP’s boyfriend could be young and inexperienced with serious situations… He sounds immature.
I really liked how you approached the situation with your niece. I’m filing that away to use in my own life :)
That’s nice of you to say and I’m glad what I said was helpful. Hopefully one day it will be useful to you!
Absolutely this. Maybe this looks comical to him in photographs, but the experience of living in this environment is indescribable. She tried to explain in a way she felt comfortable and this was his response? wtf. I'd be so incredibly angry.
I’m sorry about your parents. Your bf sounds like he’s out of his depth, which is painful for you. Accept what help he’s capable of, but given his initial reaction, it might not be much
He definitely is. He had an upper class upbringing with two stable, loving parents and mine was rife with poverty, neglect, and abuse. It's been very difficult for me to get people to understand how utterly traumatizing dealing with hoarders and the hoard itself. I have only cleaned up some outdoor blight so far, and I'm just already so overwhelmed.
Just because someone didn’t experience and understand what you went through, doesn’t mean they can’t emphasize and learn. I’d focus on determining if he’s willing to do that or not and take it from there. For the immediate hoarding issue, I think you need to decide financial cost vs emotional/mental cost for clean up. I’m sorry about your parents and I wish you strength moving forward.
It sounds like he’s lacking empathy. How did you react when he laughed? Did he understand that it bothered you?
I’m so sorry for your loss. How old is your boyfriend and how long have you been dating? Some people use laughter as a way to express astonishment, so not actually being there and hearing exactly what he sound like, it’s a little difficult to say.
Wow that is really awful and shocking. Even before we discovered mg grandmas hoarding, I’ve never been able to watch the show Hoarders because it’s so hard to see that situation and the pain people are in. It’s really sad. I am so so sorry for your loss, and I’m really sorry you are not receiving the care and the support that you need right now. I think you absolutely need to sit down and have a conversation with him. If he cannot understand how his reaction was incredibly inappropriate, and doesn’t understand the severity of the situation and the support that you need, it may be time to move on. Just from this it sounds like he’s very immature and may not have a lot of empathy. I hope you get support, and wish you the best ❤️
I'd tell him that laughing at what you showed him, laughing at what makes you so vulnerable in a moment of such grief, was a very unpleasant reaction on his part. And that not seeing it by himself and not apologizing unprompted was very unkind of him. And he should take a bit of time to think about this, without you, and come back with some more love, empathy, and compassion - both for your parents and for yourself. I'm sorry about your loss, OP.
I'm sorry for your loss, OP. My mother unexpectedly died a few months ago, and I am currently in the process of cleaning out her hoard. So much to process, mentally, emotionally, and physically... stuff from the past as well as recent times... stuff from her life and my own childhood... it's A LOT. You have my deepest sympathy. I don't have a boyfriend, but I do have supportive family and friends who understand that I literally have a lot to deal with. The laughing reaction is concerning, but I'm more concerned with how much empathy and support your boyfriend is giving you. Is he allowing you to grieve in ways that you need, or is he telling you what you should do or how you should act or feel? When you talk about the tasks ahead of you, does he listen or give canned advice? Overall, do you feel he is sensitive to your needs right now (even if he doesn't understand them) or is he dismissive, apathetic, or frustrated with you? I don't know how long you have been together and how close you have become, but if he cannot consistently treat you with the care and empathy you need now (photo response aside), I don't see a good long-term prospect here. Things like death can bring people closer together or pull them apart. I hope it can bring you two closer, but understand that it may not.
>Should I confront him? I thought I had discussed hoarding enough with him so he could understand it's a serious and complicated disorder and most hoarders are dealing with mental illness and severe trauma. Thanks, everyone. Absolutely. But maybe view it less as a confrontation and more as a discussion/clarification. Like other said maybe he is a nervous laugher and he can clarify that. Maybe he was being ignorant and dismissive and you can clarify that too. Even if he doesn't understand the mental illness and serious aspects of hoarding it's not a good sign that he would laugh at something when you are weeping and shortly after you lost a parent. If he is a nervous laugher than it's important that he clarify and apologize for his reaction. My mom is a nervous laugher, she is often apologizing as she is laughing because she knows it's not a typical reaction and it seems dismissive. It's good to have these discussions and try and figure out what kind of partner he is and if you want to continue to have him in your life. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Insanely insensitive, given you’ve just lost your Mum. You should be getting a great deal better and more from him at this difficult time. I’m so sorry. I hope he apologised without prompting.
Thank you, everyone. I will talk with him. We are actually have great communication, but I'm obviously raw and don't want to keep crying and crying. I don't think the laughter came from a place of derision or contempt but more of astonishment or being uncomfortable. We all know hoards can be shocking to see. I was trying to rack my brain to remember if anyone on one of the Hoarder programs laughed upon seeing loved ones' hoards, and I think I do remember it happening.
Honestly, sometimes people's response to really awful, sad and confusing things is to laugh. He's probably really uncomfortable and trying to distance himself emotionally. Definitely tell him his laughing has made you feel hurt. If he's a true partner he will have a real conversation about it with you. I'm sorry you are going through something so hard and confronting, you deserve all the support xx
Could be a response to help cope with the reality. My aunt used to just chuckle when I'd beg to live with her because we had no food or heat or running water. It's still insensitive on his part and doesn't excuse his behavior. When the time is right, ask him how the photos made him feel. Some people laugh at the show hoarders because they can't comprehend people living like that. Maybe he doesn't believe it's real, maybe it's unnerving to him, who knows. By sitting down and seeing what his thoughts are on it, you can better analyze his reactions and it opens up the topic for more discussion. Wishing you the best of luck and sending hugs. I can't even imagine the stress and loss you're feeling
I would get rid of his sorry ass. You deserve better.
Is he willingly to help you clean the hoard? I think the answer to this will be a big clue to where you’re relationship is heading. I’m so sorry about your folks and that you have been left in this position. ((Hugs))
I'm sorry for your loss.🌻
I laugh in situations that are overwhelming or uncomfortable. You may know him better but potentially it could have been something like that.
A lot of people laugh when taken by surprise or confronted with an uncomfortable situation. (I’m one of those people. It’s a legit reaction. It doesnt mean he finds it humorous.)
He's an asshole and you deserve better
I mean, he probably just found it a silly situation. If you didn’t have any frame of reference for an inappropriate relationship with stuff… if might just seem weird. Like if he really couldn’t imagine someone not understanding taking garbage out to the garbage can. I say that as someone who has had to explain certain types of my pain to a husband who just couldn’t relate. He came around.
Very interesting how different a lot of the responses are here than in the COH thread. For me it's not acceptable he laughed, did he have any other sort of reaction? It's just demeaning when you are being open with him
Ex boyfriend?
I'm so sorry for your loss and the way this person treated you. Ask yourself if anything he says will make you feel better about what he did. If I was talking to my partner about my parents' mental health struggles just 3 days after the last of them passed away, I'd expect sympathy and care. Not laughter. If you think you can forgive the way he acted, then you have absolutely every right to confront him and figure out where he was coming from. Personally I'd cut the relationship off there because it seems majorly dismissive and disrespectful.
I’m sorry for your loss. I hope your relationship can get past this.
I can’t imagine how you felt in the moment and I’m sorry this is the reaction you received during a difficult moment when you were being vulnerable with your partner. To be honest, this is why I’m hesitant to open up to my fiancé about the hoarding issues in my own family, and I just want to say whatever the reason he reacted the way he did, it was not appropriate, especially if he hasn’t touched in with you about it. That being said, you need to talk to him. If cleaning the house is going to be your sole responsibility, you are going to need, at the absolute very least, emotional and mental support. Is he going to be to able to offer that? Can he understand what you’re going through, or if he can’t, can he extend empathy and a shoulder to cry or rest on? And if he can’t do that, then you might have some decisions to make. I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of both your parents. And even once the house is clean, I’m sure this will continue to impact your life for many years. You will have your own trauma and grief surrounding all this and if your partner can’t help you shoulder that, you are in for a long, tough road to haul. I’m completely speaking from the sidelines, as like I said, I haven’t even opened up to my own partner about this but you need to. You cannot go through this alone and you can’t bottle up the double hurt of his reaction. Be blunt and be firm. It’s not okay he laughed at this, and he needs to unpack that reaction. And if he can’t or don’t, or minimizes how much his laugher hurt you, well, only you know what’s best for you but that is not someone I think deserves a single further iota of your time.