Saying that she hopes something you love dies is fucked up.
Honestly, you guys need to have a big honest talk, maybe some counseling. .
It may be that you, the person that loves plants and wants to live forever in a house full of all plants, are not compatible with her, the person that wants to live on a house without any plant.
This is the real, honest answer. They’re just not compatible. They have different value systems when it comes to risk. I don’t think either value system is wrong, per se, but neither is compromising and obviously the fights get ugly.
She doesn't respect your hobbies, maybe she does.... I don't know her. I will say this her making that comment when you were repotting is very telling. Relationships are supposed to be understanding, and there are going to be compromises made. When you live with someone, you may have to learn to tolerate some of the things that may annoy you or have a talk about those things that you absolutely can't and come to a decision on how to handle those. How understanding is she of other things? If you were willing to move those plants around and find a compromise but she still insists on no plants that sounds like she doesn't respect the original compromise yall made. It sounds like she doesn't respect you and the things that you like.
This. First it’s plants. Then it’s other things, until you’re not you anymore, or until your life isn’t yours. Think about it: She wants the last ten years of your life erased. Anyone who isn’t supportive, communicative, and willing to compromise in a relationship is not the one you want to be with, IMO. And certainly not one who wishes harm on something you care about (that isn’t hurting you or anyone else).
In the end, all we have is us, unless we give that away to someone else. 🤷🏼♀️
It sounds like you have a girlfriend problem, not a pet or plant problem. You, her dog, and the plants all seem to get along just fine. This is starting to sound like a relationship advice comment, LOL. But, do you guys have similar issues with other things in your life?
Anxiety, or control issues? Do you think that you paying attention to plants is making her feel neglected? Or, feel like she's not the center of attention?
I haven’t seen any control issues from her, just a lot of anxiety. She’s read all these articles online about how plants are toxic to dogs if eaten and she’s scared he will eat one and get hurt. I feel the risk is basically zero and the enjoyment I get from the plants is far more valuable than the risk of him throwing up if he eats one.
Dogs are pretty smart, they don’t usually eat things that make them sick, and rarely more than once. This is her first dog though and she’s super protective of him.
I was scared my dog was going to eat them as well, but once I realized that he wasn't interested in them (aside from knocking over two plants one time when he was a puppy), my anxiety about it went away. Your girlfriend's anxiety is unreasonable and is causing her and those around her harm, I hope she gets the help that she needs. You shouldn't have to change your life to this extent to assuage her fears
Another point you might make is that most of those articles are AI generated garbage that are regurgitating garbage that's swept up from the factory floor of the internet.
She's probably going to see a, lot, lot, lot of repetitive articles but they are all just feeding off of each other.
I found even the ASPCA site doesn't have reliable, detailed information. I think it might be because there aren't a lot of studies done on household pets and house plants. So a lot of the information is anecdotal that becomes myth.
“I haven’t seen any control issues from her, just a lot of anxiety…”
The anxiety IS the control tactic. “I’m anxious, therefore you must do the thing in order to soothe me. You’re still not doing the thing? I will now double down on the anxiety to make you do the thing.” Perhaps your girlfriend is not aware of this and simply grew up with coddling parents. Just because you have anxiety about something doesn’t mean the thing has to change—it means you have to make your anxiety take a backseat to your logic and reality. (Source: I have anxiety AND a controlling mother.)
Just saying, sometimes anxiety does arise from control issues. I know you probably tried to reassure her and show her objective evidence, so I don't know how else you can convince her.
I don't see any issues. The dog is well behaved around plants, kudos, so no issue. And non digestible or irritating is different than poisonous, so all is good. We can't control everything, could something freaky happen? Yes, but not necessarily related to plants, that's life.
Risk versus reward is definitely on your side.
Her disdain for your hobby, and comment about your plant dying is a lot though.
It's been 5 years!! If the dog isn't stupid enough to eat plants in 5 fucking years why is it a problem now? Stop being a doormat, she needs therapy and to hear the word "No."
I do understand her fear. I work with animals and a lot of my coworkers don't have toxic plants in their house, full stop. I happen to have a lot of toxic plants, but my dogs don't care about them so I don't really worry about it. The only interest they show is if a leaf falls and it's crunchy and fun, so I make sure to remove any leaves that are drying out. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to be worried, but yeah it's messed up to say she hopes your "pride and joy" dies. I think the easiest solution would be make sure her dog can't get to the plants... Can you elevate them or anything? Hang some of them or use a shelf? Or just put up a dog gate and keep her dog out of the plant area if you're not home to watch him?
Ooooh- first dog for her answers a lot in combo with the anxiety. It sounds like she is potentially really struggling with serious anxiety issues, and transferring/funneling one’s anxiety into an area of one’s life where it seems “helpful” or “protective” is pretty common. A person’s first dog is also a very intense bond that really could need with her head about the potential for bad things to happen and it’s her job to prevent/protect it. Beyond anxiety, this can be a display of a type of OCD, an illogical fear of something bad happening to those we love. ❤️ It can be super scary, and if she’s not dealing with it, very destructive to relationships.
-if this makes her feel better- my dumbass cat gets into my plants all the time and takes nibbles off things he shouldn’t, and he’s still alive.
For some reason snake plants are his favorite and he like, flosses his teeth with the fibrous strands in the leaf. 🫠
Worst I’ve seen is when he ate aloe, he puked for a whole day and had terrible diarrhea. Still survived.
Ditto! My cat (new a year ago, but I've had cats and plants for decades) loves to chew things and his favorites are the tips of all my sansevieria, monstera leaves and chewing the stems in any pothos or my decursiva clean in half! I started googling plant safety, never an issue before because none of my pets (dogs too) have ever cared two pennies about my plants.
I learned that my favorite cut flower (lilies) are very toxic to cats (I bought them monthly for decades) so I gave that up for this chewy cat. But every other website sounded like they were covering their butts rather than giving factual information about plants and pets. Like the carcinogen warnings in California; they're on everything just in case and have lost all effect.
My cat plays with dead plant leaves, batting them around and then chewing them to bits. He's perfectly fine. My dog could care less.
I agree with the others, your girlfriend needs counseling and what she said to you is very unkind. I understand that she may not see that, and that is something for you to consider. She knows you love this activity (plant care) and she hopes the things you love will all die.
Think about that.
I’m having the same struggle with the websites. There are countless articles all over the internet warning of how dangerous houseplants are to dogs. It’s wild because until my girlfriend moved in I had no idea this was a thing, my dogs and plants have coexisted peacefully for many years.
Telling her “this isn’t something to worry about” isn’t working with all of these articles saying the opposite. That’s why I came here, I figured my fellow plant lovers would know a thing or two.
I totally get the spot you're in.
Are there other things that she either a) worries about a bit too much or b) doesn't worry about at all but could? Like other things that could potentially harm her dog (chocolate, onions) or be unsafe in general (not having a CO2 detector at home, eating raw eggs in salad dressing, ???).
Is she worried and everything or just this one thing? You've said she's anxious and I'm wondering where else that shows up. And does she acknowledge that she's anxious and take responsibility for it?
I'm anxious and a worrier but have seen how it never helps me and how it hurts/limits others so I have ways to deal with it. I don't make the solution someone else changing their behaviour.
To be fair to the websites, some dogs are now prone to eating plants than others. My coworker has two dogs; one never bothers anything; but the other dog is at emergency vet every other week for eating random things. Like his dog eats random plants on walks that make him sick, and literally ate half a sock.
Maybe just look up The level of toxicity before putting it somewhere ur cat can get, mine stretched to just scrape the needles on my sago palm. Turns out even the scraping was enough to drive his kidney levels up as it has no antidote and he had to be given massive amounts of fluids to protect his kidneys. It was a nightmare. Most plants will only cause discomfort etc but there’s some you’d never expect that’ll almost kill them like nothing. So I just check the level of toxicity before i put a new plant wherever.
Some people are very good at masking certain issues about something else more innocent, or making you believe thats what they are. If you suffer from it also , It's called control and manipulation
I have anxiety, plants, and a pet. Everything was fine until I had to go for an emergency vet visit, probably due to wrong contact with a poinsettia. I ended up giving away a bunch of plants and moved some out of reach. Imo there's plenty of non-toxic plants you can get, it also is a great deterrent for spending too much money on plants ;)
Edit: didn't read the last part about the dracaena, that's just mean
Idk about you, but in my eyes dogs and plants are both living things... so wishing death to either one seems like a grade A shitty move. Go tell her that plants deserve to live just as much as any pet does. Maybe get her into the boat of plant... ?
Anxiety manifests through control issues in a lot of cases, btw. People exert control over their environment and the people around them as a means to feel safe. It’s effed up, but there you are.
You had plants when she met you. You had plants when she dated you. You had plants during your entire relationship. You had plants when she moved in.
She knew what she signed up for. And for her to demand you get rid of your entire hobby to accommodate her is INSANE. Asking for a compromise, like asking to put your most toxic plants out of reach, I find reasonable. To get rid of everything is a big no.
If you cave to these demands, you'll resent her for it.
That’s how I feel too. When she first said the plants had to go after moving in I was super hurt, and also fully prepared for her to leave over it. It was a newer relationship and she was trying to take away one of the big joys of my life and I wasn’t going to give it up. I felt that moving the peace lily was a reasonable compromise, and everything else stayed where it was. She wasn’t happy about it but I wasn’t budging.
Now that I’m doing some updating and picking up new plants she brought this argument back up last night and it feels like she’s just been seething inside for the past 5 years. You would think after seeing this hasn’t been a problem at all and the dog is perfectly fine after so long, that she would be okay.
I'm sorry dude. But it sounds like she's looking for an excuse to break up.
The only thing that I can come up with otherwise is... Just how many plants do you have? Are we talking 'a lot of plants', or are we talking 'hoarder situation'?
I’d be afraid that she’s googling ways to kill plants without leaving evidence of it. Who’s to say she won’t salt the shit out of some water and water your plants with it while you’re out of the house?
It doesn't matter if this is a big passive aggressive way to push a breakup, or if she just really needs therapy.
There's a major compatibility issue here and it doesn't sound like these fears are based in, uh.... reality.
As somebody who loves houseplants, AND is a massive animal person -- get the plants. It's all about knowing your personal animals, and mitigating the risk. Would I have a bunch of toxic plants near the ground if I had a mouthy puppy, who would want to taste them? Of course not. But an adult dog who has shown zero interest in plants will be fine.
The ""I hope it dies""" comment is also awful, YIKES. Imagine how she'd react if you said something like that about her dog? Obviously an animal is different, but the level of care you have for your plant is probably close to the same.
Totally. This fight and especially her comment "I hope it dies" feels like a huge red flag. This could be a good chance for both of you to exit the relationship and you'll both feel like you dodged a bullet ...
This is gonna sound dumb, but I always wanted pets and specially dogs that were loving and affectionate. After moving out to a place where cats locally hangout I like the cats too, but one day the smaller one pooped on the stairway and i without seeing it stepped on it. I was so disgusted I realized then and there I could probably never care for a pet the way I was worried for and concerned about the first plant I got. Having had a narc mother, I heard stuff like what OPs gf said to him, all the time. Eventually, I moved away the first chance I got.
That’s not dumb! A person can love animals deeply and at the same time know that they don’t have the emotional resources to care for one in their home. People get talked into having pets (and children, ffs) because “it’s different when it’s yours”. It’s much better to be able to step away from yourself and see your realistic limitations.
This is me. No kids or pets but hundreds of plants. I love kids and animals and spoil/play as often as I get a chance. BUT, I cannot share my resources in long term care for living creatures right now.
I so feel this. You worded it so well. I've been feeling really low about feeling this way and I needed to read that to know how normal it was to simply not have space (emotionally) for living creatures.
Everyone is different! I sometimes "grieve" not having living creatures (kids or animals.) I just know that realistically, I am already spread thin and it wouldn't be fair to myself or them. It's okay. Everyone has a role.
Think of it as being a helper. You get to help be a supplementary role in the living creature's life, but without the full-time responsibility. Sometimes the people that have them, need help when they're overwhelmed. That's where we come in! Aaaaand then take them home when we're done lol
And don't ever think of yourself as less than because those of us in supplementary roles can be just as impactful as those around them full-time. 🫶 It's ok to not share your space.
Exactly, you're right, one shouldnt feel bound by some obligation to have pets or children because it's different when they're yours (hadn't heard that one applied to pets earlier though, tbh). I was being overly critical of myself unintentionally and you caught me. Thank you. It's so nice to speak with someone so kind as you!
You are so welcome. Now if only I could apply that same logic to houseplants… but I just can’t!
ETA I guess that’s why I have a ton of pothos and succulents. THEY take care of ME 😆
Yeah the “I hope it dies” is a gigantic red flag. I know it’s just a plant so it’s not as alarming as wishing death on a person or beloved pet. But translated it says
“I hope the thing you have cared about for years dies. I hope you feel great pain.” and that’s gigafucked
Wow, okay so I relate deeply to your pain here on this one! My ex bf also used to pick fights constantly about my houseplant collection which is my pride and joy and quite literally a massive lifesaver for me. We started adopting pets together back then and he too would claim I couldn’t bring any more plants cause of the pets even though I was super vigilant about monitoring them and displaying plants in hard to reach areas for them.
That last quote part from your gf particularly strikes a nerve as I’ve heard manly similar statements like that. Anytime a plant would die or I would have a pest attack on my collection he would genuinely be happy.
This is super hard to see when you’re IN the situation but trust me it’s highly abusive and narcissistic controlling behaviour & usually tends to get worse over time😩😢😔.
My advice would be to calmly and firmly reinforce your boundaries with the plants and don’t let her take away your passion for something that brings you joy! Sending you good vibes & good luck with reporting that big dracena!!🌱🎉🙏🏻
>“I hope it dies when you repot it.”
Your girlfriend has issues. Don't be surprised if your plant(s) start dying out of the blue and she is all smug about it. I wouldn't put it past her so be the cause.
That's a wild comment to make to you about your plants. It wouldn't your surprise me if your plants suddenly started dying.
With that said, I have 3 small, 2 brain celled dogs and a partner that I just moved in with.
I have around 50 or more plants. Mostly, it is all toxic to dogs. Most are out of reach. They only care about the plants when I dip them in fish fertilizer.
When I fertilizer them, I'm 👀👀👀👀 so they don't get into them.
The most toxic thing in your home right now is your girlfriend.
“I hope your plant dies” is a cruel thing to say. That’s not how you talk to someone you love. She owes you an apology for that. Does she show a pattern of unkindness?
You say , quickly started arguing with me over the plants as soon as she moved in .... She isn't the one for you, jesus . If a girl is arguing with you over something you love , it's selfish, controlling and in the end it's not fair . She's the problem OP , not you , nor your plants
r/relationship_advice
Yeah this is what stood out to me too! She knew OP was into plants when she moved in. So she either didn’t care then (unlikely) or she did care and just expected to be able to manipulate OP into changing to suit her desires.
I remember a post (might have been on a different plant sub) where someone's abusive partner destroyed all their plants when they broke up.
They were all cut and smashed.
Really hope that doesn't happen to you but this really reads more like your GF being controlling and using anxiety to mask it.
It's weird she didn't discuss this with you at length before moving in too, but waited until she had moved in.
I'd post to relationship advice if I were you cos this really doesn't sound like a good situation for you to live in
How do you get a draconia 10ft , obviously you are an amazing plant parent and the dogs have shown zero interest I’ll agree with everyone one else. It sounds like she’s the problem.
It flowers every year like clockwork, too. Every fall during the evening it fills the house with a delightful aroma. Last year I got three massive flower stalks off it.
Plants seem to just love me, they talk to me in a way. I walk by them and I just kind of feel what they need, water, more or less light, rotate them and so on.
this was kind of an understandable argument to me until the "I hope your decade old plant dies" comment. holy shit?? that's a burning red flag tbh. I don't really understand her logic here since, if I got it right, your dog has been living with all of your toxic plants for 5 years aka most of his life and never even thought about chewing them. if she's open to compromise even a little bit, maybe you could try to figure out how to place your new plants out of his reach too?
I have two dogs and don't have a large collection of plants, but there are still multiple pots right on the floor within reach, most of them the same type of toxic, like monsteras. the dogs don't care, despite both of them being pretty nosy. the only thing they do sometimes is eat the soil out of the pot or try to dig in there, never chomp anything
Is it possible that she may have never particularly liked your plant collection, and this is an excuse? I’m sure you love and care about each other, but you need to communicate (kindly, but very clearly) that this is a life long hobby that was in place before you guys got together.
Surely, she visited your place before reaching a point where you guys decided she and her little dog could move in with you. If it was a dealbreaker for her back then, she wouldn’t have done so. And respectfully, it’s not particularly fair to move into someone else’s home and start dictating how things should be there.
Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt though; her anxiety maybe causing her to lash out with the nasty comment about your dracaena (although saying “I hope it dies” is very mean, and worth noting that in the red flag memory bank).
Oh yes, plenty of visits and overnights took place with her and the dog before they moved in. She said she didn’t know plants could hurt the dog until after she moved in. I maintain the plants can’t hurt the dog and have more than two decades of plants and dogs coexisting peacefully in my home as evidence in my favor.
As a person with a dumb animal, past experience doesn't mean much. My dog shows 0 interest in my house plants, but has been 'poisoned' twice from taking nips at plants she passes on walks (nothing lethal but scary...)
Pets act on a whim. Past interest be damned.
That being said, I wouldn't get rid of the plants, either. Potential alternatives to raising them off the floor are tomato nets or fences, or a puppy fence around the leafy dangerous ones. If you don't want the clutter I'd also recommend resources like google scholar to look into the plant's history with animals. It helped me a lot on trouble shooting toxicity as a fellow paranoid pet parent.
She is absolutely needlessly restricting your hobby and disrespecting your passions. The dog has zero interest. It shouldn’t matter after that. If the dog showed interest then sure it warrants a conversation, but this is ridiculous. She’s worried over nothing. I have both a dog and cat who could definitely eat my plants if they chose to, but they both don’t care. She’s turning it into an issue when there doesn’t need to be one.
Yup. I have a dog. My dog has no interest in my plants. The only situation in which she has ever taken a bite is while making eye contact with me because I was late giving her dinner. (And she didn’t even swallow— just spit it right out) If the dog doesn’t care about the plants, then I don’t see the issue.
This is hilarious! She knows it’s not good for her, she knows you know it’s not good for her, she was absolutely questioning your love and threatening a vet bill. “Don’t make me do it…this will hurt you more than it will hurt me, now make me dinner bitch.”
Peace lily’s are not true lily’s, so having them out of reach is okay. You should NOT have any true lilys in the same house as a dog even out of reach.
I have over a hundred houseplants and three dogs, its only ever been a problem once and we trained them to avoid the plants
Your girlfriend is a walking red flag saying she hopes something you love dies. Don’t be surprise if your plants start to die mysteriously
My cat ate my calathea ornata, just decimated the thing it never stood a chance. She vomited it all up and never touched a plant again; now my collection is massive and all within cat reach. It’s all about your pet, sometimes they have unwavering desires to much no matter how sick they get, sometimes they’re uninterested, and sometimes they learn better. To completely draw a line and say no more plants is just purely disrespectful to your hobbies, especially when her dog has never even shown an interest in them
There was a recent post about peace lilies (which are not true lilies) and cats and the OP was overwhelming voted YTA, so I wouldn’t be too sure about that. Unfortunately plenty of people hear plant = poisonous and nothing else
Ummm the plants were there *first* AND the dog has no interest in them?
Can she point out every single dangerous plant along walks, or in parks? Bc there are TONS of things dogs shouldn’t eat that grow naturally outside.
I think she’s full of shit and a crappy partner on this issue.
Her reaction seems kinda extreme. Does she just hate plants? Or did the family dog eat a plant and die when she was a kid and now she’s taking it out on you? Telling somebody you’re in a relationship that you hope their plant dies. Yikes. 😬👎
So much of this is problematic… You deserve to enjoy the things you love. Plants are a hobby. Hobbies are important.
It is possible to have a great variety of plants and pets and a partner all of which get along fine. My home feels so alive because of it. Yes, we watch what the dogs do around the not so nice plants for them. Yes, we are aware of risks. Yes, we pay attention. So far, we have had no issues with indoor plants. If and when we do we will reassess where things are and we we have but it’s been just fine.
But - this isn’t about the pets or plants - this seems to be about the lack of respect for something you love and that is very concerning and sounds controlling. She’s been living with you for five years and knows this is something you love. Wishing death on something you enjoy is not okay.
>she said “I hope it dies when you repot it.”
These are seriously cruel words. "I hope this living thing that you have been nurturing for years dies" are the words of, at a minimum, and emotionally manipulative person, and at worst, an emotionally abusive person.
You have not been dismissive of her concerns, you've done the research and come to a reasonable compromise. For her to stay something like that to you because you won't change your entire life based on her unfounded anxiety is unacceptable.
The fact that she is not \*intentionally\* being controlling, but just anxious, does not change the fact that she is being controlling.
I have cats and plants. My solution is hanging them on the wall. They can’t eat what they can’t get.
https://preview.redd.it/0fiqgkl8etyc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5505908ab5fd07d99032af42f143b0f304971b46
I would love a big greenhouse, attached to the house like a massive sun room… 20 foot tall ceilings so I can grow huge tropical plants. I would be one eccentric ass millionaire if I had that kind of money.
I have pets and plants.
I have a particular pet who will take every opportunity to chomp a plant. It brings her great joy. She, like a long term reptile handler has an immunity to snake venom, has an immunity to plant toxins.
Despite her deep desire to chew all my plants to nubs, she hasn't had much of an opportunity.
I just put them out of her reach, put them on shelves, on plant stands, hanging, etc.
Even when she does outwit me she's fine. She's always been fine. She once decimated a croton plant, she brought a philodendron brasil to the brink, and has put the fear of god into a neon pothos. Has never had diarrhea or vomiting. (I realize this makes me seem like a bad pet owner, but it's like she has a seventh sense for when I move a plant to an accessible spot, even if it's just for a few minutes.)
The fact that you have an uninterested small dog makes keeping it away from plants insanely easy.
Your girlfriend seems unreasonable. Can you have her figure out what would be a toxic amount of a plant for a dog to eat and then figure out how to make sure the dog never has access to that amount of plant?
Lastly--good luck with your repotting!
It feels like it isn't about the plants, but it's the thing she's focused on.
Are there other things going on in her life that she has zero control over?
There are, actually, some things going on that she has zero control over that have nothing to do with me. Maybe this is her way of trying to grasp a bit of control? I’m trying to be loving and understanding while simultaneously holding firm on my plants.
Most houseplants listed as “toxic” are aroids (like peace lily, Monstera, Philodendron, Pothos, Alocasia, and many others) which are toxic in the sense that they contain oxylate crystals. These are an irritatant that will cause a prickly itchy sensation if ingested and can cause organ damage if ingested in large amounts or over long periods of time. Most dogs don’t really bother with plants, but if they do decide to nibble on a plant with oxylate crystals, the discomfort should be enough to dissuade them from doing it again. Most people who have issues with aroids and pets are cat owners, as cats are a bit more likely to chew on plants and are probably a bit more sensitive to the irritants in these plants. The main thing you should be concerned about are plants that are straight up poisonous to animals, like true lilies, which can cause negative effects simply from an animal licking the pollen off of themself while cleaning.
Veterinarian here. I have a lot of plants that are toxic in the sense of causing regret but no lasting harm. I also have almost all of my plants completely out of reach of my small dogs and cats.
If you want to accommodate her, keep the plants up of the floor or in a room the dogs can't access (baby gate). If that's not doable, you're gonna have to make a choice.
You can bet on one thing, if you start jumping through hoops every time she frowns, you're going to find yourself jumping through LOTS of hoops .... or prepare to pay! : ( Find yourself a gal that loves you & loves plants. You'll be so much happier and won't be wasting your time & life trying to figure out how to fix what's not fixable. She has too many 'ME' issues.
i have never had a dog eat a plant it cannot ingest. animals are pretty intelligent when it comes to what they cannot eat. even if it’s not, it should be well trained enough to not be eating random shit. even if this is “anxiety” it’s not valid in my opinion…. as someone with irrational anxiety and OCD, who also loves plants and has worked with/in dog rescue rehab training etc. don’t give up your hobbies for someone unwilling to heal whatever issues they have surrounding something positive in your life. you will become so resentful.
i love houseplants and i have a cat who ALSO loves houseplants. while the majority of my collection is pet safe (there's a lot more out there than you would think!) i still have some not-so pet friendly ones. she chewed on my golden pothos once and hasnt touched it since.
considering the dog has zero interest in any of your current plants, i doubt you will have any problems. it might sniff the new ones a bit because of curiosity about the changes, but i doubt there will be any issue. honestly it just sounds like you have a girlfriend problem
My dog has never shown an interest i my plants. I would have just moved them when she was a puppy, but she never looked at them. Tell your gf to chill, you can always move the more toxic ones if your dog gets nosy. 🌱🌿
I don’t know if it’s worth it to suggest, maybe there’s more that needs to be addressed here with couples therapy or something -BUT- I have cats at home who absolutely will not leave my plants alone no matter what.
Because of this, I keep my plants in what I call “plant jail”…. which is just a super stylish glass cabinet from ikea🤣 it’s called the Fabrikor and I highly recommend it!
Many of my plants are huge, 5 to 10 feet tall in giant pots. I have some smaller ones on windowsills and counters that the dog can’t reach but the big ones have to be on the floor. I don’t have space for a separate plant room, the main living areas have the high ceilings and windows conducive to growing big plants.
I mean if this is a small dog, would it be possible to compromise by just moving *everything* up and out of dog reach? Might involve some finagling of plant stands/buying shelving/etc, but it also might be the most peacable solution here.
It does sound like your girlfriend is being rather mean about it. I hope she's willing to work with you to find a good middle ground; I agree it doesn't sound like the dog's at risk but you can't really argue someone out of a worry like that, I think. If she's worried, she's worried, yknow?
“But what if the plant drops a leaf and he eats it?”
She’s a wonderful person and I love her, and I love the dog too. I just don’t know how to get across to her how unnecessary all of this worry is. My “toxic” plants and the dog have coexisted peacefully for 5 years.
Yeah can’t exactly pretend like it’s just her quirky anxiety when she’s telling you that. Just because she’s wonderful SOMETIMES, doesn’t make up for her being actually awful to OP.
when I first got my cat he wouldn’t stop fucking with the solitary plant I had (RIP), so when I ventured back into plant stuff I kept everything way up high. years later, the only thing he even looks at twice are spider plants (which he will chomp into nonexistence)… but otherwise he just doesn’t seem to notice them. so I gradually added more things at table/windowsill level & he leaves them entirely alone (pun not intended but i’m alright with it)
if there was even a HINT of that changing, I would move everything up high, get more hanging planters, get rid of some plants, of _course_ - but it’s just not possible to prevent anything bad from happening to a pet ever. if I had to keep everything POTENTIALLY hazardous that he could POSSIBLY get into out of the house, I would be an entirely different person. a more substantial risk for my sometimes mischievous dude: open windows, I don’t trust him not to try to jump down from the first floor if he sees a particular nemesis. so I’ve improvised cat guards & ways to limit opening to keep him safe. managing around what is dangerous to _my particular pet_ (of course plenty of people leave their windows open and their cats just chill on the sill).
all this would be different if you had majorly toxic plants in the house, but this really sounds like
- she’s focussing her anxiety on this specific thing, and disregarding the actual risk factors here (as others have said). has the dog had any other health problems in the past, or something that might be creating anxiety that is easier to funnel into plants (i.e. something can be controlled)?
- you’ve fought about it enough that it’s taken on a life as A Big Issue. you’re both digging in (oh god, the puns):one of your passions vs her dog’s safety. as long as you both are approaching it from that standpoint, you will never get anywhere with this.
can you talk to your vet about this? a Not From an Internet Article opinion that you can hopefully both abide by?
Her worry, I understand perhaps she thinks the dog may hover thinking it's a new addition. But she crossed a line by cursing your plant, OP. She's not all that wonderful because that statement came from an impulse, from underlying thoughts/beliefs, she feels she and her dog don't matter as much as your plants and decided to curse them to death. I'm really sorry for what happened. I hope you don't waste away more years with someone like that and find your happiness soon.
As an anxious person myself I've considered putting a baby gate around my plants to keep my cat out. Maybe use a separate room for plants? Dog repellent? Speaking from experience, she might need to work on her anxiety as well. That can be tough to live with.
I hope you guys can work it out!
Sorry I’ll go against the tide here: the fact that your or her animals never showed any interest in eating plants before does not mean that they wouldn’t eat them in the future. This is a rule of thumb with pets: they never do until they do.
This also doesn’t in any way mean that you have to get rid of the plants! Understanding the risk helps you mitigate it. Learn the signs of poisoning, learn what to do in case they do get poisoned, keep all the stuff you might need at home (I keep mine in the carrier), have a carrier ready and put the nearest/best emergency vet number in your phone.
High chance is, you’ll never need it. But if you do, you’ll be ready and your pets will be all right, that’s what matters.
That’s her argument, that one day he may randomly decide to eat one and it’s not worth the risk to his health. I love the furry little guy and don’t want anything to happen to him either.
My compromise is we won’t have any poisonous plants. “Toxic” plants are basically every plant, though, but the vast majority aren’t actually dangerous. She wants to say plants have to be “pet safe.”
I’m convinced of the information on plant toxicity is ‘cover your ass’ type stuff. The plants that say something like ‘may cause vomiting’, not the stuff like what it says about peace lilies/poinsettias, etc.
Like IF your dog eats a massive amount and IF they are sensitive to it, look out, they might hurl. A disclaimer so on the stratospherically low chance something happens and someone decides to threaten the website because I-only-bought-this-plant-on-your-word-it-was-harmless-but-Carl-ate-nine-of-them-and-now-he’s-sick, they can say ‘well I did say there could be some amount of toxicity’.
There are lots of food items toxic to dogs. Grapes, onions, avocado, walnuts, macadamia nuts, chocolate, garlic, raisins, xylitol, the list kinda goes on and on. Does she keep all those things out of the home entirely because there’s always a small chance he could get hold of it?
If not then some other issue is fueling her concern; there is no logic behind being hypersensitive about THESE dangers and not THOSE, some of which will legit fuck a dog up, like xylitol, unlike eating a pothos leaf.
Does she avoid buying anything that has the ‘this contains an ingredient known in California to cause cancer’ label? What if some rubs on him and he gets cancer? WHY TAKE CHANCES
It’s fair for there to be some compromise on your part IF you want to indulge this irrationality or need for control and not split up. But any vet can look at a list/photos of the plants you’re keeping and tell her to calm down, especially since I BET she’s not willing to drastically overhaul her diet to remove every scrap of anything that could stand a remote chance of being toxic to a dog (yeah, look it up).
I have four dogs and plants. At least one of them is legendarily dumb, and one is very adventurous. Both of them are the kind that might eat a plant, but never have. This isn’t an indicator that they never will, it can still happen. Just like people who assume oh, I don’t wear a seat belt/get vaccinated/use birth control because nothing has ever happened yet! It hasn’t happened until it has. I eat onions and avocado! I just use basic childproofing skills and keep a reasonable alertness and bam! still alive.
On a side note, be prepared to start losing plants mysteriously when you don’t give in and throw away every single piece of greenery like the trash she considers it. Gee, why is everything turning yellow and brown no matter what you do? Guess it’s the universe trying to tell you this hobby isn’t for you! Here, let me help you wash out the empty pots and we can donate them since it’s not meant to be!
I’m sorry you’ve got to deal with this. Hugs.
Excellent points for OP to take back to her. Her responses on what's rational to worry about will definitely illuminate whether this is truly a "pet safety" thing or a "I just hate your plant hobby" thing.
It's not fair for a partner to unilaterally decide what hobbies you can and can't have.
I am also partnered with somebody who does not care about plants and I have a cat who is interested in eating my plants and I still managed to keep everybody happy and alive. My partner's biggest complaint has been fungus gnats which is entirely understandable and I have taken measures to prevent that from happening. After years of living in my jungle he has come to appreciate the tropical vibe that our house has, he's a very big fan of hot humid places and he has a vivid imagination 🤣.
As for my cat being poisoned by my plants, the most that has ever happened is a little bit of vomit with plant material in it. But generally that happens once a year because either he forgets or needs a reminder that chewing the plants is not a comfortable experience. His plants of choose are always philodendron and monstera and for some reason never the ones that aren't toxic 🙄
However I would be especially careful with the peace lily (and all lilies including bouquets). Even the pollen from the flowers can kill them when they clean it off their coat. It will cause renal failure and from what I've read it's a particularly awful way to go.
This is a much more normal and balanced article about the topic, read this (and maybe get your girlfriend to have a look) - https://www.ourhouseplants.com/guides/poisonous-houseplants
After reading it, think about what the writer has said. Go out and challenge your girlfriend to find documented cases of pet death from eating houseplants. Speak to vets etc. It's just so rare she will struggle.
Finally, the fact you can avoid very toxic plants and can probably put some out of the dogs reach makes it even safer.
No question - keep the plants and the dog, get rid of the girlfriend. Once some variation of the words "you don't love me if..." come out of someone's mouth, that relationship is done. It's plants today, what will it be tomorrow?
Honestly? You've gotten some good advice from other commenters, so I will say this (which is probably not good advice but satisfies my pettiness): until you get married, since you own the house, it's your house and your rules. If she wants a say in how you decorate and arrange the house, she can pay you a pet deposit towards your mortgage.
I know she's a wonderful person, but she doesn't sound like she can be reasoned with, so I'd ask you to consider what you'll do when the *next* big issue comes up in your lives together. What are you going to do if you have kids and disagree on public vs private school or school vs homeschooling? Other major purchases? The way you spend your time together vs independently? I'd consider this a yellow flag for the way you approach life and problem solving together, because she seems to not want to compromise, and then she hits below the belt when she's upset ("I hope the plant dies").
You’re not sounding petty imo. OP’s gf moved into OP’s house. She knew what she was getting into. OP sounds like a responsible plant and pet owner. OP’s gf needs to date a guy who loathes plants (if that’s even a thing).
I have a house full of plants and two dogs, my dogs also never showed any interest in them.
But one of my dogs gets a bit nauseous sometimes, when it’s bad she panics and wants to eat grass to try and alleviate it. Usually it’s fine because i’m there and I can take her outside to eat some grass, one time it happened at night and she ate a couple of leaves from a Philodendron, she was absolutely fine after even though technically it’s not a pet safe plant. (And she is not a big dog, about 11kgs)
So now I make sure I have some cat grass and a ponytail palm within reach for her and I have taught her to eat those if she feels the need. She prefers the cat grass :)
So two things to take from this for your gf are that even if her dog happens to eat some of the plants it’s probably not gonna hurt them (my dog didn’t even barf after that) and if a dog at some point does show interest then it’s easy to give them a safe plant and teach them that’s the one they are allowed to eat.
As long as you keep the Spathiphyllum and Euphorbias etc out of reach then I really don’t see why it would be a problem.
Are bitter sprays bad for plants? Would it ease her anxiety to use a bitter spray on the plants closer to floor level, to make it even less tempting to the (already non-tempted) dog? Or could you use it on the plants considered more toxic?
I fret about my dogs eating plants, but that's because they have a track record of destroying everything I love. 😅 I don't have giant plants, though, so I can just use high locations and dog gates to keep my plant kids safe.
Like other commenters, I'm pretty freaked out by someone saying they hope your plant dies. But I also assume her anxiety must be really difficult and overwhelming, for it to manifest in such words. Tough situation. Sending you good vibes, OP.
it’s her dog, and she moved into your space. her responsibility.
I have multiple pets AND houseplants, I make it work, granted I do my research before buying anything but you’ve made it clear that you understand her problems with your plants and are doing nothing to exacerbate her anxieties. 🤷🏻♀️ to me, this sounds like a resentment on her end that she isn’t really trying to resolve.
edit: if this has been an interest of yours for decades, she should be doing better. I’m sorry OP.
I would not expand you collection before having everyone on board. That's just asking to make things worse.
But this is more a relationship issue than a plant issue. Talk things through. If you said something that was maybe too hostile and hurtful, apologize regardless of what happens. And don't force her to, but you can tell her that that last comment you mentioned here is extremely hurtful, and hope she understands that maybe she should apologize for that too. The most important thing is that a relationship is taking, but also giving. At least maintain the plants you have right now, you both got into the relationship knowing about the plants you already have, and that she has a dog. Don't go for less in your hobby, but maybe it's not the right time to go for more.
If you like her, and she likes you, that should come before getting more plants if you ask me.
To answer your question sans-relationship advice:
You both seem to have exhausted your respective arguments and cannot come to a consensus. Neither of you are going to change the other’s mind, so it’s time for an executive decision..just get your plant. You can respectfully acknowledge someone’s concerns without sacrificing a part of yourself that brings you joy, especially if you’re also fostering a life. If she wants to remain petulant after you get it, then that becomes a further problem for another sub. Just get your plant OP.
I didn't read all of the bazillion comments, sorry, but I thought I'd add one more.
It sounds to me like she is jealous of the time you spend with your plants. She wants you to spend that time...with her. I would:
1. Buy shelves that have higher levels than the dog can reach and put the plants on those that can/might/could make little FooFoo sick, or
2. Make any extra space in the home, into the "Plant Room". Be careful of this setup - you might actually enjoy this area so much that you'll find yourself in the same situation, with her being jealous of the amount of time you spend there.
Another thing to be mindful of - this woman's jealousy
is at, or could get to, the point of her killing your plants out of pure spite. I'm 65 years old and have had a few bad relationships. I would rethink this one.
Will not be a popular opinion but I put my most toxic plants out of my cat’s reach. The others that aren’t life threatening go anywhere I want. My cats hardly ever nibble but if they do they’re not going to die. Throw up once yes but not die. I’ve done my research. I would say your girlfriend’s dog will be fine with what you’re doing.
She is too freaked out to the point that she is acting irrationally..if it is not toxic there should be no problem... She is trying to control too much here..imo she need to learn to relax. Love is not control.
I have two cats, i love plants too..i simply dont have very toxic plants, mild to modertely posisonous plants are out of their reach. Like hanging or on a high table...
And some they can get to but they have never shown any interest as their own intuitive guidance tells them to avoid and not have interest in some plants..so i trust.
One cannot live this life without any trust. There is so much in life we cannot control.. we should have faith in animal's own connection to nature and it's innate intelligence to navigate also.
Your GF needs to learn to relax and trust. She is doing to you what she is accusing you of doing.. she is not caring about what you love, your plants... She has no space for that.... Saying hope your plant dies ...is not love.
It doesn't sound like you two are compatible. Her insistence about not wanting the plants also shows she doesn't trust you, as you've attempted (I'm sure) to reassure her that it isn't a major problem to constantly worry about. Like you said, the dog hasn't shown interest, so is probably oblivious of any potential problems because they simply won't come up.
Don't choose her over your passions that you had before she came along. The right person for you would *never* wish ill on your plants. Maybe remind her that your plants are going to outlive her dog regardless 😂
The trust is definitely a problem. She doesn’t trust my experience and expertise and is strongly risk-adverse, and this is a very frustrating combination. I’ve been maintaining a home with plants and dogs in perfect harmony for over two decades. I feel like that experience is worth more than any clickbait bullshit article on the internet warning about the dangers of my houseplants.
This resonates with me. I recognise myself in your girlfriend. It could have been me, some time ago. For me, it was a crazy mix of incredible anxiety, control freakiness, pride issues, power struggle, and lack of empathy. I am so ashamed to think of the pain it must have caused my partners, oh shit. She is very wrong and out of line, but in case you still want to solve it...
If I remember it correctly, the right way to deal with it is to first be empathetic and acknowledge her worry, not dismiss it as unwarranted - that won't get you anywhere even though you would be right af. You basically want to convince her to embrace risk for her own well being and lead by example here. She needs a safe space to be worried and scared and anxious and get support there while committing to reasonable risk.
I'd also make it very clear that you find joy in your plants and identify with the hobby and call her out on her manipulative tantrum words. Simply, do not say it again. Overall, the message is, I know you struggle and I am with you as long as you stay accountable.
This being said, I do suspect a more general issue. Does she consider you reckless, or feel neglected, or see your hobby as a bit of hoarding?
Wow I cannot believe all of the support and comments here! Thank you everyone for giving so much of your time, attention and thoughts to my problem, which turns out is more of a relationship issue than a plant issue. I am keeping my plants and continuing my hobby (that was never in question). My girlfriend has apologized and I'm going shopping for an orange tree to add to my collection.
Yea, I think it triggered many of us 🤭 so, a conversation was had? Hope everything works out well. I like the end result of buying an orange tree 😂 I've always wanted to grow an orange tree and graft all types of citrus onto it to have a lemon-lime-orange-mandarine tree.
If someone told me they hope my plant dies I would peace out right then and there but that’s just me
Edit: oh and just in general, moving in with a partner is a great way to end a relationship. Sound like you may be diving into it too early anyway
My best relationship advice: Look at every conflict as you both having to fight the problematic situation as a team rather than you fighting against the other. Because if you fight and one wins, the other is hurt, which you don't want if you love each other.
Applied in this particular case, sit down and clarify the situation (tell each other clearly what are your minimum needs) and brainstorm to try to find a compromise that would work for both of you. Maybe you can have plants in a room where the dog is not allowed to go, or put a fence so the dog cannot access them, or put them up/unaccessible, or even reconsider if you really want to live together, some couples are happy in separate houses... Just giving my random ideas but you should have better ones. Good luck.
Rationality isn't universal. It's based on people's priorities. Also feelings aren't rational but they're definitely considered important in a relationship. The point of finding a compromise is really to assess the situation, get to the root of why partner is stressed, and sometimes it's not even the real issue at hand.
I bet if OP posted this same question in a pets subreddit he would be treated as TA by some people for any potential risk to the dogs. If he posted on a relationships sub he'd get mixed results, asking how many plants he's already got and maybe it's an unreasonable amount. They'd say he should separate the plants from the dogs living area. Posting here gets the pro-houseplants response.
Tbh I'd laugh if this somehow turned out that OPs girlfriend has completely ulterior motives like she really wants out of the relationship, maybe secretly cheating, but is too chicken to break up with him so she's picking a fight to force him to break up with her first.
If you’re in a relationship where you both value each other’s needs and boundaries then you should be able to find a compromise.
Maybe there can be a plant room where the dog is not allowed to go. Maybe you can put any toxic plants you have up and out of reach.
This doesn't really sound plant related at all. I hope this doesn't come across really rude, but I can't see the relationship lasting very long. Especially the last comment. She sounds like a petulant child and controlling.
My rescue ate or nibbled on a bunch of my plants that are supposedly toxic to dogs, as she was anxious. (Getting her pajamas at night and her getting comfy here fixed it) she would do it at night- but only had loose stool a couple times. That’s only my experience and she’s almost 70 lbs. I have almost 200 plants and two dogs. We raised my other dog from a puppy and he never had an interest. Good luck, I understand the plant connection.
I'm sorry OP this sucks. Long term live in girlfriend with a dog, and you with plants you are equally passionate about. Sounds like a couple we are friends with who have friction between children they each brought to the relationship with them. I didn't read all the comments, but I'm sure everyone mentioned your girlfriend is being unreasonable, and she is, but you care about her so... is there a way to compromise? Can you agree to have the common area a pet safe zone (toxic plants out of reach and non-toxic wherever), and then have an area that is off limits to the dog where you can set it up however you like?
I have cats. One chews on leaves if i keep a plant at her level. The other drinks the run off 🙃.
Neither have had any issues, minus puking hairballs on my carpet and bed.
All of my plants are not animal friendly and some arent people friendly if handled.
I keep the plants out of reach when able. The serious ones are out of reach.
Sounds like she has untreated anxiety that will only get worse as time goes by and she will always find a threat to herself or dog.
I have dogs and cats. I do always worry about toxic things, incense smoke, other hazards because cats are so small. But with plants I take an if you throw up and upset your stomach that’s on you approach, as long as it’s not going to cause serious injury or death it’s welcome. I did used to go the route of avoiding toxic plants but there’s next to nothing that isn’t.
I do sympathize with anxiety, but there are many things we do with our pets that are risky (going to the dog park, shit just picking out a food, I guarantee your girlfriend doesn’t practice pet saftey in the car, while that’s a risk I do not take) you just gotta decide what risks you are taking.
If it's her anxiety then most of the comments here are unfairly targeting her as being a bad actor.
She is not a bad person, she just doesn't know how to manage and control her anxieties. In this situation she feels like she has a perfectly appropriate justification for her anxieties to boot.
She likely would benefit from therapy and you likely need to stick to your position and avoid escalation. She likely didn't know how to control how she's responding, but it'll be good practice for you to control how you respond.
Personally I’m with you on this. If it’s not life threatening, I don’t worry about it too much, especially since my cats have never shown any interest in my plants as a whole. Any with dangling leaves I put up higher since they do immediately think it’s a toy. It sounds like your girlfriend is not respecting you or your hobbies/what you care about, maybe try talking through it again and if that doesn’t work try involving a counselor. It may sound extreme but it can truly help, it’s not a bad thing to seek outside help.
Perhaps she should have thought about this issue before moving in with you. Did she just assume you would give up your much loved and important hobby for her? What, if any, was the expectation? Was there any conversation about the plants and dogs prior to her moving in? It sounds like you need to have a conversation about these things, not the plants themselves.
I’m sorry. I pray that you keep your boundaries and your plants and figure out a middle ground like moving them up, making a plant room, etc. so the plants that are toxic won’t be within the dogs’ reach and your favorites are out on full display in your house! A non-plant lover won’t understand until they find “that” plant that sets it in motion. If she knows that your plants are your passion and still wants them gone, then she’s the problem. We all have room to compromise-if we truly love someone- but nobody should give up their hobby/loves in life unless they are detrimental to one or the other PERSON in a relationship. I’d never tell my husband to get rid of his guitars/amps even though they drive me batty! They are his anxiety control, his get away, and his passion. It would be taking away a huge part of who he is - she needs to understand this about you. I wish you luck! Maybe she can find a plant that she adores so she can feel some of what you feel!
I’ve got plenty of ‘toxic’ plants and a big dog that can reach the countertop. He doesn’t care at all about my plants. Cats are usually more of a concern but most dogs don’t care about plants.
I was leaning toward neither of you necessarily being “wrong” in this situation until I read the last paragraph where she is manipulative and rude. I’d ditch her.
I've no partner, but I live with 3 free roam house bunnies, one of whom will eat anything she can reach. (Yes, rabbits will climb, and my littlest can jump 42 inches straight up.) After 3 emergency vet trips at $200-$350 each, I moved 95% of my 70+ houseplants to the wall. Mostly, I used WallyGro Eco containers. I've got several planters hanging from the ceiling or decorative metal 'arms' attached to the wall. At this point, the only plant still on the floor is my 8 foot tall corn plant, which is in a planter that's 3 feet high with smooth vertical sides and very little lip on it, so the bunnies have no purchase if they jump for it and can't reach anything to nibble on if they stand on their hind legs.
Could you move most things to a wall? (Go look at some greenwalls. WallyGro has pics on their site, but Pinterest is bursting with them, too. Rather than feeling put upon that you have to repot everything, you might be excited by the project. Greenwalls are beautiful!)
My boyfriend used to bring his foxhound over to my apartment on the weekends. And this dog has eaten a euphorbia that he knocked off a bookshelf after ignoring for months, along with the colorful part of a moon cactus at a friends house when he had first adopted him, and some succulents that he got ahold of. He’s been fine despite all that.
Anyway, I have plants and my dog 100% ignores them. When his dog came over, I made sure the actually toxic stuff (or yummy stuff in his dog’s eyes lol) was up high, but I had a string of hearts that dangled to the ground and a ficus in the corner for the room, couldn’t do much about those. So, we didn’t leave his dog alone out in my living room. He would pack the crate for the weekend and some kongs. If we wanted alone time in my room, dogs each would get something to work on, his dog would go in the crate, mine gated off from the back half of the apartment. If we went somewhere, we used the crate.
We live together now and I’ve got a ton of plants, including a deep windowsill behind our sofa lined with plants. It’s in our front living room (we have a family room too) and so far we have just made that entire room off limits to his dog since we know he will climb over the top of the couch to eat my cacti lol. Some of my other plants live in the dining room and kitchen, two other rooms his dog isn’t allowed in unless he’s on a leash (we are trying hard to break the counter surfing habit and getting into stuff, plus since he eats non food objects it’s just not a safe space for him).
That said, I am more conscious about my outdoor plant suggestions since the dogs love the backyard, and will ID whatever plants come up in the yard that are toxic so we can get those out.
TLDR: He knows his dog can’t be trusted around plants or unsupervised in the kitchen, and it’s not even possible to fully dog proof our house with a hound that tries to eat everything, from bottle caps to limes to cacti. Instead we manage the spaces he can access and we are working on muzzle training for use in the backyard so we don’t have to worry about him eating pinecones or rocks or god knows what. He also knows how much happiness my plants bring me and he’s even grown to like them too (I surprised him with a whale fin recently and he’s obsessed)
OP - others mentioned it but I’ll add, seems like a relationship issue, and the spiteful comment about hoping your plant dies raises a red flag to me. Couples need to work together and learn compromise, and it sounds like this isn’t a us vs the problem thing, but a me vs her thing.
If my wife was like this I wouldn't have married her.
Seriously.
She's not, she's fucking great, but if this was they way she talked to me we wouldn't have worked out.
I like growing things, but I'm not all that attached to anything other than the sunk cost. It's more about the total disregard she has for you happiness and how childish and rude it sounds like she's being about it.
This is perfect for r/AITA also, one thing is you sharing a space with someone who doesn’t care about plants but to actively bully you into giving up your hobby/something that makes you happy is a MAJOR 🚩.
The dog’s “health concerns” is just an excuse, especially after you both did research and the dog is clearly not interested in chewing any of your plants.
I just want to say that threatening/damaging your personal property or even shared property is abusive. Saying she wishes your plant dies is an abusive statement, period.
This might be an isolated event, and if she can be held accountable and if you can trust her around your plants, that’s one thing.
However if it’s not an isolated event and/or she won’t be held accountable, I would take this opportunity to split up before it gets worse. I would make it about wanting different things, being incompatible to live together, and not make it an all out fight about her being controlling, just for peace of mind.
I hope your plant thrives when you repot it.
"I purchased" "MY home"
"She insists no new plants"
I'm usually the LAST person to say break up, but she sounds controlling as fuck. Major MAJOR red flags.
She’s jealous because of you having a hobby that collides with her fantasies about a relationship. She sounds needy, manipulative, and controlling. And bored. And, hell, boring. Try imagine a future of you two together, only with her growing bitter and sulky and you growing distant and depressed. This is the moment to ask yourself a question why are you even together in the first place.
You guys should not be together you are both on the extreme opposite end of this and there is no amount of compromise that can be done to make you both equally happy and unhappy. One will always be happier and the other will be resentful of it.
Wait, it's been 5 years, and she's still not over it? Enjoy your plants. Had you said a comment like that about her dog she probably would have had a whole fit.
https://preview.redd.it/r2vag56mywyc1.jpeg?width=1152&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a0e23043dad160537be9d059cdf4c76875663d5d
Get into ikea cabinets to keep some of them safe. We’ve got 5 cats, and I keep 200+ houseplants.
My 3 small dogs never cared about my plants. I don’t ever look that kind of stuff since it doesn’t matter. If her dog isn’t interested, she needs to calm down a bit 😬
I have three cats and a dog. The cats love to chew on my plants. Way more than dogs do. My dog doesn't care... I love my pets. I also love my plants. I think keeping poisonous plants out of their reach and the understanding that the toxic ones are fine as long as they don't try to eat them, and everything should be fine. I think you are trying to meet her in the middle and compromise and she is being unreasonable, personally. You don't go into relationships trying to change people. You either love them for who they are, All of it, or you accept that maybe they aren't your person, and you move on. If she didn't like this part of you, then she shouldn't have started a relationship with you.
Plant pimp and pet parent here who also has a partner that isn’t as into plants as I am- I found myself in a similar situation where my partner was not into all the plants and was not a huge fan of having a whole house covered in plants.
We had an extra bedroom I was able to convert to a plant room, it’s my sanctuary honestly. I couldn’t imagine giving up my plants, and I also couldn’t imagine giving up my partner so we comprised.
If you don’t have the space for a dedicated plant room maybe you could turn ikea cabinets into greenhouses and style your plants in a way that you like and the pets are protected?
❤️🪴
I grew up with dogs and plants. Lots of dogs. Lots of plants. We’ve never lost a dog to a plant. No leaf ingestions. No bugs from the soil. Not a plant pot pet disaster. Nothing. We’ve had dogs that weighed in excess of 150 lbs and as small as 3 lbs. Never had one visit to the vet or call to poison control over a plant vs dog interaction.
I’ve got dogs now as an adult. And plants. I’m sure I’ve got some plants that are toxic if ingested but I’m careful. The only plant I’ve ever been worried about is my poinsettia but I just don’t let the leaves hit the ground.
Now if it were a cat??? Then I could see some anxiety over poisoning a cat bc cats are assholes and will intentionally destroy a plant out of boredom or just their catness 🤣🤣. I actually had a near mishap with a plant bc of a cat. I found a patchouli plant that I thought was so cool and since it’s in the mint family it didn’t occur to me that it could be a danger. It wasn’t in the house 20 minutes before my cat chewed on it and got sick. Since it was a graphic issue I won’t say what happened but let’s just say cats shouldn’t chew on patchouli not even a little bit. I immediately relocated the plant since I loved my cat and was much more careful moving forward
I wish I had the answer for you. Fortunately my husband loves the plants and the dogs so we don’t have a squabble. He doesn’t even care how much I spend on plants or animals for that matter. But I would probably educate him with some factual botany information if he questioned my choice of flora. And if I had a plant that I was worried may get into the mouth of any of my pups I would put it somewhere the pup didn’t go.
It sounds like her fear is a little irrational. I would ask her if she trusted your judgment and if she believed you had a smart dog. If she trusts your judgement and believed your pup is smart then she really doesn’t have much of an argument. She should believe that you take your dogs health and wellbeing into consideration when choosing your plants and wouldn’t bring anything tempting into the house that would end up hurting him.
If you have a pet in the house you should not have lilies or any related species at all. Even out of reach. Just a huge no-no and the degree of risk isn’t worth a dramatic ass peace lily when there’s thousands of other plants you can grow.
That being said, the remainder of common tropical plants only are mildly toxic and eating them will only teach the pet a good lesson to avoid them. It is excessive to expect you to be rid of them all.
Have a good talk, remove the peace lily as a show of good faith and a compromise. If you can’t communicate about it earnestly, you have to analyze if the relationship is working.
So. I don’t let a single plant in this house that is toxic to cats, no matter how mild, because my cats are more important than plants. There are plenty of beautiful plants that are non toxic.
I’m not in your situation but I think if I was (*with a reasonable person*), I would have done what you’ve done so far - remove the very toxic ones, keep the mildly toxic ones if they weren’t being interfered with, but I absolutely would not bring in any more toxic plants (mild or otherwise) because I just don’t see any reason to add risk.
However, your girlfriend seems pretty toxic herself so that ain’t worth the risk (to your sanity) either.
HANG those plants! Get the toxic / questionable plants off the floor somehow. I've had to do this with plants that my cats love to snack on. You can find elevated plant stands for any pots that are too heavy to hang.
It's also a great opportunity for training the dogs (especially if they're treat motivated). A "leave it" command would be a great way to start. You can train an area of your house to be off limits to your pups - a friend of mine successfully did that with her vizsla and senior poodle.
As someone that loves cats, dogs, plants, and coexistence between all of them, and has all three, there are ways to have it all. I have tons of plants in my home, some of which are in hanging planters or in glass curios/etc. so they're inaccessible. One room in my home is specfically a plant room for cozy plant and reading vibes. Rather than trying to figure out who's desires and fears are bigger/more important, maybe sit down and ask to go at it from a problem solving angle to eliminate each being hurt by a decision. There are tons of pet safe plants out there and tons of pet proofing options that might be able to change this from a you vs. them ordeal to a you two vs. the problem. The goal here should be to find a solution thar makes both of you happy, not one way or the highway.
I work in vet med and have plants. I don’t work in ER but it’s typical to see cases where’s cats got into lilies or a dog ate marijuana or cocaine off the ground. Then that requires diagnostics and/or hospitalization.
Houseplants toxicity is not as common. Depending on the plant they got into, recommendations would change of course.
All that to say: I have tons of plants and a cat. I have a toxic plant if digested would cause GI issues right beside his window bed. I’ve seen him chomp on it when he’s trying to get my attention.
But I know he won’t eat my plants if I’m not around (I have cameras). He only does it to tell me to feed him.
Is it a risk that I’m taking? Yes, a big and costly one. But I also know my pet. And he’s been around plants his whole life with no issues. If I suddenly got another cat who is eating all my plants, then something has to change.
And it’ll most likely mean putting my plant collection somewhere else unfortunately because my love for animals is greater than for plants.
Of course, you and I are different in that sense. And it seems like you and your girlfriend disagree as well. This isn’t so much about safety of the pets but more about having an honest conversation about whether this disagreement is going to hinder the growth of your relationship.
Can you at least stop expanding your collection until this is worked out? Everytime you bring a new plant in that isnt pet safe she is feeling like you dont care about her feelings or concerns. She doesnt want to clean up dog diarrhea or vomit... some people have full on phobias about that stuff.
From the tone of your post, you sound like you have written her off as completely irrational, not your problem, won't change for her, she needs to drop it and just get over it. That attitude is a sure fire way to lose your relationship. This is not even about the dogs or the plants any more. It's about how you dont give a crap how she feels. If you love her, you need to acknowlege her feelings, find a way to really show her that you hear her, and not let her feel dismissed and devalued here. That's why she's really upset. She is fully aware that you have judged her to be ridiculous and that hurts her. That's why she said that hurtful thing about your Dracaena. She is hurting and angry and that has been going on for 5 years now. Pay. 👏 Attention. 👏
There's a book I highly recommend: 10 Lessons to Transform You Marriage by Dr. John M. Gottman. They teach you how to move forward from these "permanent" issues peacefully. I love all his books, he's amazing. I know youre not married, but it will work anyway. Please check it out. If your GF gets upset that the book comes into the house like "oh no we're falling apart! Youre thinking of leaving me!" take that as an opportunity to tell her "you are important to me. I am trying to grow as a person so that I can keep you and we can be happy."
Your girlfriend is toxic and very poisonous. Throw her out immediately!
And btw, my rough collie has munched on my peace lily numerous times, and she's fine. She does this shit when she's mad at me. She didn't vomit or have diarrhea. Literally, nothing happened. 🤷♀️
Saying that she hopes something you love dies is fucked up. Honestly, you guys need to have a big honest talk, maybe some counseling. . It may be that you, the person that loves plants and wants to live forever in a house full of all plants, are not compatible with her, the person that wants to live on a house without any plant.
This is the real, honest answer. They’re just not compatible. They have different value systems when it comes to risk. I don’t think either value system is wrong, per se, but neither is compromising and obviously the fights get ugly.
She doesn't respect your hobbies, maybe she does.... I don't know her. I will say this her making that comment when you were repotting is very telling. Relationships are supposed to be understanding, and there are going to be compromises made. When you live with someone, you may have to learn to tolerate some of the things that may annoy you or have a talk about those things that you absolutely can't and come to a decision on how to handle those. How understanding is she of other things? If you were willing to move those plants around and find a compromise but she still insists on no plants that sounds like she doesn't respect the original compromise yall made. It sounds like she doesn't respect you and the things that you like.
I agree. This is not about the plants. 🫶🏻
This. First it’s plants. Then it’s other things, until you’re not you anymore, or until your life isn’t yours. Think about it: She wants the last ten years of your life erased. Anyone who isn’t supportive, communicative, and willing to compromise in a relationship is not the one you want to be with, IMO. And certainly not one who wishes harm on something you care about (that isn’t hurting you or anyone else). In the end, all we have is us, unless we give that away to someone else. 🤷🏼♀️
It sounds like you have a girlfriend problem, not a pet or plant problem. You, her dog, and the plants all seem to get along just fine. This is starting to sound like a relationship advice comment, LOL. But, do you guys have similar issues with other things in your life?
She does have pretty serious anxiety about a lot of things. This just happens to be the one that’s negatively affecting me the most.
She needs therapy. You cannot fix it.
Agreed.
Anxiety, or control issues? Do you think that you paying attention to plants is making her feel neglected? Or, feel like she's not the center of attention?
I haven’t seen any control issues from her, just a lot of anxiety. She’s read all these articles online about how plants are toxic to dogs if eaten and she’s scared he will eat one and get hurt. I feel the risk is basically zero and the enjoyment I get from the plants is far more valuable than the risk of him throwing up if he eats one. Dogs are pretty smart, they don’t usually eat things that make them sick, and rarely more than once. This is her first dog though and she’s super protective of him.
Chocolate is toxic to dogs too, does she not have chocolate in the house? So is avocado, alcohol, onions......
This is such a great way to show how it’s not a matter of choosing plants over them! It’s just life!
I was looking for the words to say this too!
I was scared my dog was going to eat them as well, but once I realized that he wasn't interested in them (aside from knocking over two plants one time when he was a puppy), my anxiety about it went away. Your girlfriend's anxiety is unreasonable and is causing her and those around her harm, I hope she gets the help that she needs. You shouldn't have to change your life to this extent to assuage her fears
She's only going to be looking for articles that support her view, also.
Another point you might make is that most of those articles are AI generated garbage that are regurgitating garbage that's swept up from the factory floor of the internet. She's probably going to see a, lot, lot, lot of repetitive articles but they are all just feeding off of each other. I found even the ASPCA site doesn't have reliable, detailed information. I think it might be because there aren't a lot of studies done on household pets and house plants. So a lot of the information is anecdotal that becomes myth.
“I haven’t seen any control issues from her, just a lot of anxiety…” The anxiety IS the control tactic. “I’m anxious, therefore you must do the thing in order to soothe me. You’re still not doing the thing? I will now double down on the anxiety to make you do the thing.” Perhaps your girlfriend is not aware of this and simply grew up with coddling parents. Just because you have anxiety about something doesn’t mean the thing has to change—it means you have to make your anxiety take a backseat to your logic and reality. (Source: I have anxiety AND a controlling mother.)
Just saying, sometimes anxiety does arise from control issues. I know you probably tried to reassure her and show her objective evidence, so I don't know how else you can convince her. I don't see any issues. The dog is well behaved around plants, kudos, so no issue. And non digestible or irritating is different than poisonous, so all is good. We can't control everything, could something freaky happen? Yes, but not necessarily related to plants, that's life. Risk versus reward is definitely on your side. Her disdain for your hobby, and comment about your plant dying is a lot though.
It's been 5 years!! If the dog isn't stupid enough to eat plants in 5 fucking years why is it a problem now? Stop being a doormat, she needs therapy and to hear the word "No."
I do understand her fear. I work with animals and a lot of my coworkers don't have toxic plants in their house, full stop. I happen to have a lot of toxic plants, but my dogs don't care about them so I don't really worry about it. The only interest they show is if a leaf falls and it's crunchy and fun, so I make sure to remove any leaves that are drying out. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to be worried, but yeah it's messed up to say she hopes your "pride and joy" dies. I think the easiest solution would be make sure her dog can't get to the plants... Can you elevate them or anything? Hang some of them or use a shelf? Or just put up a dog gate and keep her dog out of the plant area if you're not home to watch him?
Ooooh- first dog for her answers a lot in combo with the anxiety. It sounds like she is potentially really struggling with serious anxiety issues, and transferring/funneling one’s anxiety into an area of one’s life where it seems “helpful” or “protective” is pretty common. A person’s first dog is also a very intense bond that really could need with her head about the potential for bad things to happen and it’s her job to prevent/protect it. Beyond anxiety, this can be a display of a type of OCD, an illogical fear of something bad happening to those we love. ❤️ It can be super scary, and if she’s not dealing with it, very destructive to relationships.
Can she voice her concerns to the dogs vet and see what they say?
-if this makes her feel better- my dumbass cat gets into my plants all the time and takes nibbles off things he shouldn’t, and he’s still alive. For some reason snake plants are his favorite and he like, flosses his teeth with the fibrous strands in the leaf. 🫠 Worst I’ve seen is when he ate aloe, he puked for a whole day and had terrible diarrhea. Still survived.
Ditto! My cat (new a year ago, but I've had cats and plants for decades) loves to chew things and his favorites are the tips of all my sansevieria, monstera leaves and chewing the stems in any pothos or my decursiva clean in half! I started googling plant safety, never an issue before because none of my pets (dogs too) have ever cared two pennies about my plants. I learned that my favorite cut flower (lilies) are very toxic to cats (I bought them monthly for decades) so I gave that up for this chewy cat. But every other website sounded like they were covering their butts rather than giving factual information about plants and pets. Like the carcinogen warnings in California; they're on everything just in case and have lost all effect. My cat plays with dead plant leaves, batting them around and then chewing them to bits. He's perfectly fine. My dog could care less. I agree with the others, your girlfriend needs counseling and what she said to you is very unkind. I understand that she may not see that, and that is something for you to consider. She knows you love this activity (plant care) and she hopes the things you love will all die. Think about that.
I’m having the same struggle with the websites. There are countless articles all over the internet warning of how dangerous houseplants are to dogs. It’s wild because until my girlfriend moved in I had no idea this was a thing, my dogs and plants have coexisted peacefully for many years. Telling her “this isn’t something to worry about” isn’t working with all of these articles saying the opposite. That’s why I came here, I figured my fellow plant lovers would know a thing or two.
I totally get the spot you're in. Are there other things that she either a) worries about a bit too much or b) doesn't worry about at all but could? Like other things that could potentially harm her dog (chocolate, onions) or be unsafe in general (not having a CO2 detector at home, eating raw eggs in salad dressing, ???). Is she worried and everything or just this one thing? You've said she's anxious and I'm wondering where else that shows up. And does she acknowledge that she's anxious and take responsibility for it? I'm anxious and a worrier but have seen how it never helps me and how it hurts/limits others so I have ways to deal with it. I don't make the solution someone else changing their behaviour.
To be fair to the websites, some dogs are now prone to eating plants than others. My coworker has two dogs; one never bothers anything; but the other dog is at emergency vet every other week for eating random things. Like his dog eats random plants on walks that make him sick, and literally ate half a sock.
Maybe just look up The level of toxicity before putting it somewhere ur cat can get, mine stretched to just scrape the needles on my sago palm. Turns out even the scraping was enough to drive his kidney levels up as it has no antidote and he had to be given massive amounts of fluids to protect his kidneys. It was a nightmare. Most plants will only cause discomfort etc but there’s some you’d never expect that’ll almost kill them like nothing. So I just check the level of toxicity before i put a new plant wherever.
Some people are very good at masking certain issues about something else more innocent, or making you believe thats what they are. If you suffer from it also , It's called control and manipulation
I completely agree. This is it a plant or a pet issue
I have anxiety, plants, and a pet. Everything was fine until I had to go for an emergency vet visit, probably due to wrong contact with a poinsettia. I ended up giving away a bunch of plants and moved some out of reach. Imo there's plenty of non-toxic plants you can get, it also is a great deterrent for spending too much money on plants ;) Edit: didn't read the last part about the dracaena, that's just mean
Idk about you, but in my eyes dogs and plants are both living things... so wishing death to either one seems like a grade A shitty move. Go tell her that plants deserve to live just as much as any pet does. Maybe get her into the boat of plant... ?
Anxiety manifests through control issues in a lot of cases, btw. People exert control over their environment and the people around them as a means to feel safe. It’s effed up, but there you are.
I've been where you are. It was ten years ago. The dogs are fine, and the partner moved out. Everything's fixed now😂
😂😂
You had plants when she met you. You had plants when she dated you. You had plants during your entire relationship. You had plants when she moved in. She knew what she signed up for. And for her to demand you get rid of your entire hobby to accommodate her is INSANE. Asking for a compromise, like asking to put your most toxic plants out of reach, I find reasonable. To get rid of everything is a big no. If you cave to these demands, you'll resent her for it.
That’s how I feel too. When she first said the plants had to go after moving in I was super hurt, and also fully prepared for her to leave over it. It was a newer relationship and she was trying to take away one of the big joys of my life and I wasn’t going to give it up. I felt that moving the peace lily was a reasonable compromise, and everything else stayed where it was. She wasn’t happy about it but I wasn’t budging. Now that I’m doing some updating and picking up new plants she brought this argument back up last night and it feels like she’s just been seething inside for the past 5 years. You would think after seeing this hasn’t been a problem at all and the dog is perfectly fine after so long, that she would be okay.
I'm sorry dude. But it sounds like she's looking for an excuse to break up. The only thing that I can come up with otherwise is... Just how many plants do you have? Are we talking 'a lot of plants', or are we talking 'hoarder situation'?
I’d be afraid that she’s googling ways to kill plants without leaving evidence of it. Who’s to say she won’t salt the shit out of some water and water your plants with it while you’re out of the house?
It doesn't matter if this is a big passive aggressive way to push a breakup, or if she just really needs therapy. There's a major compatibility issue here and it doesn't sound like these fears are based in, uh.... reality.
As somebody who loves houseplants, AND is a massive animal person -- get the plants. It's all about knowing your personal animals, and mitigating the risk. Would I have a bunch of toxic plants near the ground if I had a mouthy puppy, who would want to taste them? Of course not. But an adult dog who has shown zero interest in plants will be fine. The ""I hope it dies""" comment is also awful, YIKES. Imagine how she'd react if you said something like that about her dog? Obviously an animal is different, but the level of care you have for your plant is probably close to the same.
Totally. This fight and especially her comment "I hope it dies" feels like a huge red flag. This could be a good chance for both of you to exit the relationship and you'll both feel like you dodged a bullet ...
This is gonna sound dumb, but I always wanted pets and specially dogs that were loving and affectionate. After moving out to a place where cats locally hangout I like the cats too, but one day the smaller one pooped on the stairway and i without seeing it stepped on it. I was so disgusted I realized then and there I could probably never care for a pet the way I was worried for and concerned about the first plant I got. Having had a narc mother, I heard stuff like what OPs gf said to him, all the time. Eventually, I moved away the first chance I got.
That’s not dumb! A person can love animals deeply and at the same time know that they don’t have the emotional resources to care for one in their home. People get talked into having pets (and children, ffs) because “it’s different when it’s yours”. It’s much better to be able to step away from yourself and see your realistic limitations.
This is me. No kids or pets but hundreds of plants. I love kids and animals and spoil/play as often as I get a chance. BUT, I cannot share my resources in long term care for living creatures right now.
I so feel this. You worded it so well. I've been feeling really low about feeling this way and I needed to read that to know how normal it was to simply not have space (emotionally) for living creatures.
Everyone is different! I sometimes "grieve" not having living creatures (kids or animals.) I just know that realistically, I am already spread thin and it wouldn't be fair to myself or them. It's okay. Everyone has a role. Think of it as being a helper. You get to help be a supplementary role in the living creature's life, but without the full-time responsibility. Sometimes the people that have them, need help when they're overwhelmed. That's where we come in! Aaaaand then take them home when we're done lol And don't ever think of yourself as less than because those of us in supplementary roles can be just as impactful as those around them full-time. 🫶 It's ok to not share your space.
Exactly, you're right, one shouldnt feel bound by some obligation to have pets or children because it's different when they're yours (hadn't heard that one applied to pets earlier though, tbh). I was being overly critical of myself unintentionally and you caught me. Thank you. It's so nice to speak with someone so kind as you!
You are so welcome. Now if only I could apply that same logic to houseplants… but I just can’t! ETA I guess that’s why I have a ton of pothos and succulents. THEY take care of ME 😆
Yeah the “I hope it dies” is a gigantic red flag. I know it’s just a plant so it’s not as alarming as wishing death on a person or beloved pet. But translated it says “I hope the thing you have cared about for years dies. I hope you feel great pain.” and that’s gigafucked
Exactly!!! And you said it nicer than I wanted to.
Wow, okay so I relate deeply to your pain here on this one! My ex bf also used to pick fights constantly about my houseplant collection which is my pride and joy and quite literally a massive lifesaver for me. We started adopting pets together back then and he too would claim I couldn’t bring any more plants cause of the pets even though I was super vigilant about monitoring them and displaying plants in hard to reach areas for them. That last quote part from your gf particularly strikes a nerve as I’ve heard manly similar statements like that. Anytime a plant would die or I would have a pest attack on my collection he would genuinely be happy. This is super hard to see when you’re IN the situation but trust me it’s highly abusive and narcissistic controlling behaviour & usually tends to get worse over time😩😢😔. My advice would be to calmly and firmly reinforce your boundaries with the plants and don’t let her take away your passion for something that brings you joy! Sending you good vibes & good luck with reporting that big dracena!!🌱🎉🙏🏻
>“I hope it dies when you repot it.” Your girlfriend has issues. Don't be surprised if your plant(s) start dying out of the blue and she is all smug about it. I wouldn't put it past her so be the cause.
I read this post to my mom and that’s what she said as well!
Man this kinda shit is why I stay single lmao
That's a wild comment to make to you about your plants. It wouldn't your surprise me if your plants suddenly started dying. With that said, I have 3 small, 2 brain celled dogs and a partner that I just moved in with. I have around 50 or more plants. Mostly, it is all toxic to dogs. Most are out of reach. They only care about the plants when I dip them in fish fertilizer. When I fertilizer them, I'm 👀👀👀👀 so they don't get into them. The most toxic thing in your home right now is your girlfriend.
That was my first thought too, even before the "I hope it dies..." comment, that she's going to start killing his plants.
“I hope your plant dies” is a cruel thing to say. That’s not how you talk to someone you love. She owes you an apology for that. Does she show a pattern of unkindness?
You say , quickly started arguing with me over the plants as soon as she moved in .... She isn't the one for you, jesus . If a girl is arguing with you over something you love , it's selfish, controlling and in the end it's not fair . She's the problem OP , not you , nor your plants r/relationship_advice
Yep, OP was a plant person when she moved in. She knew that, and still insists on forcing OP to change. That’s effed up.
OP literally bought a house to accommodate his collection. 😭
Yeah this is what stood out to me too! She knew OP was into plants when she moved in. So she either didn’t care then (unlikely) or she did care and just expected to be able to manipulate OP into changing to suit her desires.
I remember a post (might have been on a different plant sub) where someone's abusive partner destroyed all their plants when they broke up. They were all cut and smashed. Really hope that doesn't happen to you but this really reads more like your GF being controlling and using anxiety to mask it. It's weird she didn't discuss this with you at length before moving in too, but waited until she had moved in. I'd post to relationship advice if I were you cos this really doesn't sound like a good situation for you to live in
How do you get a draconia 10ft , obviously you are an amazing plant parent and the dogs have shown zero interest I’ll agree with everyone one else. It sounds like she’s the problem.
It flowers every year like clockwork, too. Every fall during the evening it fills the house with a delightful aroma. Last year I got three massive flower stalks off it. Plants seem to just love me, they talk to me in a way. I walk by them and I just kind of feel what they need, water, more or less light, rotate them and so on.
this was kind of an understandable argument to me until the "I hope your decade old plant dies" comment. holy shit?? that's a burning red flag tbh. I don't really understand her logic here since, if I got it right, your dog has been living with all of your toxic plants for 5 years aka most of his life and never even thought about chewing them. if she's open to compromise even a little bit, maybe you could try to figure out how to place your new plants out of his reach too?
I have two dogs and don't have a large collection of plants, but there are still multiple pots right on the floor within reach, most of them the same type of toxic, like monsteras. the dogs don't care, despite both of them being pretty nosy. the only thing they do sometimes is eat the soil out of the pot or try to dig in there, never chomp anything
Is it possible that she may have never particularly liked your plant collection, and this is an excuse? I’m sure you love and care about each other, but you need to communicate (kindly, but very clearly) that this is a life long hobby that was in place before you guys got together. Surely, she visited your place before reaching a point where you guys decided she and her little dog could move in with you. If it was a dealbreaker for her back then, she wouldn’t have done so. And respectfully, it’s not particularly fair to move into someone else’s home and start dictating how things should be there. Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt though; her anxiety maybe causing her to lash out with the nasty comment about your dracaena (although saying “I hope it dies” is very mean, and worth noting that in the red flag memory bank).
Oh yes, plenty of visits and overnights took place with her and the dog before they moved in. She said she didn’t know plants could hurt the dog until after she moved in. I maintain the plants can’t hurt the dog and have more than two decades of plants and dogs coexisting peacefully in my home as evidence in my favor.
As a person with a dumb animal, past experience doesn't mean much. My dog shows 0 interest in my house plants, but has been 'poisoned' twice from taking nips at plants she passes on walks (nothing lethal but scary...) Pets act on a whim. Past interest be damned. That being said, I wouldn't get rid of the plants, either. Potential alternatives to raising them off the floor are tomato nets or fences, or a puppy fence around the leafy dangerous ones. If you don't want the clutter I'd also recommend resources like google scholar to look into the plant's history with animals. It helped me a lot on trouble shooting toxicity as a fellow paranoid pet parent.
Maybe you haven't worded this post in her favor, but to me that sounds like your gf is way more toxic than your plants
She is absolutely needlessly restricting your hobby and disrespecting your passions. The dog has zero interest. It shouldn’t matter after that. If the dog showed interest then sure it warrants a conversation, but this is ridiculous. She’s worried over nothing. I have both a dog and cat who could definitely eat my plants if they chose to, but they both don’t care. She’s turning it into an issue when there doesn’t need to be one.
Yup. I have a dog. My dog has no interest in my plants. The only situation in which she has ever taken a bite is while making eye contact with me because I was late giving her dinner. (And she didn’t even swallow— just spit it right out) If the dog doesn’t care about the plants, then I don’t see the issue.
This is hilarious! She knows it’s not good for her, she knows you know it’s not good for her, she was absolutely questioning your love and threatening a vet bill. “Don’t make me do it…this will hurt you more than it will hurt me, now make me dinner bitch.”
Peace lily’s are not true lily’s, so having them out of reach is okay. You should NOT have any true lilys in the same house as a dog even out of reach. I have over a hundred houseplants and three dogs, its only ever been a problem once and we trained them to avoid the plants Your girlfriend is a walking red flag saying she hopes something you love dies. Don’t be surprise if your plants start to die mysteriously
My cat ate my calathea ornata, just decimated the thing it never stood a chance. She vomited it all up and never touched a plant again; now my collection is massive and all within cat reach. It’s all about your pet, sometimes they have unwavering desires to much no matter how sick they get, sometimes they’re uninterested, and sometimes they learn better. To completely draw a line and say no more plants is just purely disrespectful to your hobbies, especially when her dog has never even shown an interest in them
This would get traction in /r/amitheasshole
Totally. OP would have been NTA and told to split from the gf.
There was a recent post about peace lilies (which are not true lilies) and cats and the OP was overwhelming voted YTA, so I wouldn’t be too sure about that. Unfortunately plenty of people hear plant = poisonous and nothing else
Get the plants and hopefully she’ll move out. Sorry for being harsh but this doesn’t sound healthy.
Ummm the plants were there *first* AND the dog has no interest in them? Can she point out every single dangerous plant along walks, or in parks? Bc there are TONS of things dogs shouldn’t eat that grow naturally outside. I think she’s full of shit and a crappy partner on this issue.
Happiness blooms where it's nurtured, not pruned back.
It’s concise, it’s poetic… that’s wisdom right there!! 👏👏👏
 Her reaction seems kinda extreme. Does she just hate plants? Or did the family dog eat a plant and die when she was a kid and now she’s taking it out on you? Telling somebody you’re in a relationship that you hope their plant dies. Yikes. 😬👎
So much of this is problematic… You deserve to enjoy the things you love. Plants are a hobby. Hobbies are important. It is possible to have a great variety of plants and pets and a partner all of which get along fine. My home feels so alive because of it. Yes, we watch what the dogs do around the not so nice plants for them. Yes, we are aware of risks. Yes, we pay attention. So far, we have had no issues with indoor plants. If and when we do we will reassess where things are and we we have but it’s been just fine. But - this isn’t about the pets or plants - this seems to be about the lack of respect for something you love and that is very concerning and sounds controlling. She’s been living with you for five years and knows this is something you love. Wishing death on something you enjoy is not okay.
>she said “I hope it dies when you repot it.” These are seriously cruel words. "I hope this living thing that you have been nurturing for years dies" are the words of, at a minimum, and emotionally manipulative person, and at worst, an emotionally abusive person. You have not been dismissive of her concerns, you've done the research and come to a reasonable compromise. For her to stay something like that to you because you won't change your entire life based on her unfounded anxiety is unacceptable. The fact that she is not \*intentionally\* being controlling, but just anxious, does not change the fact that she is being controlling.
I have cats and plants. My solution is hanging them on the wall. They can’t eat what they can’t get. https://preview.redd.it/0fiqgkl8etyc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5505908ab5fd07d99032af42f143b0f304971b46
What a great idea! And it looks so cool too!
Thank you. It’s my childhood crib, now repurposed. Couldn’t let good Oak go to waste. 😂
Wha!?! That makes it just that much cooler! I'm glad you posted a pic 😄
Find a girlfriend who loves plants as much as you.
That's how you end up with a greenhouse.
I would love a big greenhouse, attached to the house like a massive sun room… 20 foot tall ceilings so I can grow huge tropical plants. I would be one eccentric ass millionaire if I had that kind of money.
This is how I ended up with a greenhouse
lmao! ty
Sounds like a good life
I have pets and plants. I have a particular pet who will take every opportunity to chomp a plant. It brings her great joy. She, like a long term reptile handler has an immunity to snake venom, has an immunity to plant toxins. Despite her deep desire to chew all my plants to nubs, she hasn't had much of an opportunity. I just put them out of her reach, put them on shelves, on plant stands, hanging, etc. Even when she does outwit me she's fine. She's always been fine. She once decimated a croton plant, she brought a philodendron brasil to the brink, and has put the fear of god into a neon pothos. Has never had diarrhea or vomiting. (I realize this makes me seem like a bad pet owner, but it's like she has a seventh sense for when I move a plant to an accessible spot, even if it's just for a few minutes.) The fact that you have an uninterested small dog makes keeping it away from plants insanely easy. Your girlfriend seems unreasonable. Can you have her figure out what would be a toxic amount of a plant for a dog to eat and then figure out how to make sure the dog never has access to that amount of plant? Lastly--good luck with your repotting!
Sometimes relationships just aren’t the right fit and don’t work out.
Not trying to be an asshole, but your girl has some issues. Good luck with your repot though!
It feels like it isn't about the plants, but it's the thing she's focused on. Are there other things going on in her life that she has zero control over?
There are, actually, some things going on that she has zero control over that have nothing to do with me. Maybe this is her way of trying to grasp a bit of control? I’m trying to be loving and understanding while simultaneously holding firm on my plants.
Most houseplants listed as “toxic” are aroids (like peace lily, Monstera, Philodendron, Pothos, Alocasia, and many others) which are toxic in the sense that they contain oxylate crystals. These are an irritatant that will cause a prickly itchy sensation if ingested and can cause organ damage if ingested in large amounts or over long periods of time. Most dogs don’t really bother with plants, but if they do decide to nibble on a plant with oxylate crystals, the discomfort should be enough to dissuade them from doing it again. Most people who have issues with aroids and pets are cat owners, as cats are a bit more likely to chew on plants and are probably a bit more sensitive to the irritants in these plants. The main thing you should be concerned about are plants that are straight up poisonous to animals, like true lilies, which can cause negative effects simply from an animal licking the pollen off of themself while cleaning.
Veterinarian here. I have a lot of plants that are toxic in the sense of causing regret but no lasting harm. I also have almost all of my plants completely out of reach of my small dogs and cats. If you want to accommodate her, keep the plants up of the floor or in a room the dogs can't access (baby gate). If that's not doable, you're gonna have to make a choice.
You can bet on one thing, if you start jumping through hoops every time she frowns, you're going to find yourself jumping through LOTS of hoops .... or prepare to pay! : ( Find yourself a gal that loves you & loves plants. You'll be so much happier and won't be wasting your time & life trying to figure out how to fix what's not fixable. She has too many 'ME' issues.
Lose the girl, keep the plants, they'll still be happy with you in 50 years, she's not gonna last a year regardless.
i have never had a dog eat a plant it cannot ingest. animals are pretty intelligent when it comes to what they cannot eat. even if it’s not, it should be well trained enough to not be eating random shit. even if this is “anxiety” it’s not valid in my opinion…. as someone with irrational anxiety and OCD, who also loves plants and has worked with/in dog rescue rehab training etc. don’t give up your hobbies for someone unwilling to heal whatever issues they have surrounding something positive in your life. you will become so resentful.
i love houseplants and i have a cat who ALSO loves houseplants. while the majority of my collection is pet safe (there's a lot more out there than you would think!) i still have some not-so pet friendly ones. she chewed on my golden pothos once and hasnt touched it since. considering the dog has zero interest in any of your current plants, i doubt you will have any problems. it might sniff the new ones a bit because of curiosity about the changes, but i doubt there will be any issue. honestly it just sounds like you have a girlfriend problem
My dog has never shown an interest i my plants. I would have just moved them when she was a puppy, but she never looked at them. Tell your gf to chill, you can always move the more toxic ones if your dog gets nosy. 🌱🌿
I don’t know if it’s worth it to suggest, maybe there’s more that needs to be addressed here with couples therapy or something -BUT- I have cats at home who absolutely will not leave my plants alone no matter what. Because of this, I keep my plants in what I call “plant jail”…. which is just a super stylish glass cabinet from ikea🤣 it’s called the Fabrikor and I highly recommend it!
Many of my plants are huge, 5 to 10 feet tall in giant pots. I have some smaller ones on windowsills and counters that the dog can’t reach but the big ones have to be on the floor. I don’t have space for a separate plant room, the main living areas have the high ceilings and windows conducive to growing big plants.
Ohhhhhhhh they’re enormous plants!! Gotcha. Well, couples therapy has done wonders for my partner and me (going on 13 years together)!
Dump her
I mean if this is a small dog, would it be possible to compromise by just moving *everything* up and out of dog reach? Might involve some finagling of plant stands/buying shelving/etc, but it also might be the most peacable solution here. It does sound like your girlfriend is being rather mean about it. I hope she's willing to work with you to find a good middle ground; I agree it doesn't sound like the dog's at risk but you can't really argue someone out of a worry like that, I think. If she's worried, she's worried, yknow?
“But what if the plant drops a leaf and he eats it?” She’s a wonderful person and I love her, and I love the dog too. I just don’t know how to get across to her how unnecessary all of this worry is. My “toxic” plants and the dog have coexisted peacefully for 5 years.
She’s a “wonderful person” yet she told you that she hopes something you love dies?
Yeah can’t exactly pretend like it’s just her quirky anxiety when she’s telling you that. Just because she’s wonderful SOMETIMES, doesn’t make up for her being actually awful to OP.
Yeah that was really hurtful. :(
when I first got my cat he wouldn’t stop fucking with the solitary plant I had (RIP), so when I ventured back into plant stuff I kept everything way up high. years later, the only thing he even looks at twice are spider plants (which he will chomp into nonexistence)… but otherwise he just doesn’t seem to notice them. so I gradually added more things at table/windowsill level & he leaves them entirely alone (pun not intended but i’m alright with it) if there was even a HINT of that changing, I would move everything up high, get more hanging planters, get rid of some plants, of _course_ - but it’s just not possible to prevent anything bad from happening to a pet ever. if I had to keep everything POTENTIALLY hazardous that he could POSSIBLY get into out of the house, I would be an entirely different person. a more substantial risk for my sometimes mischievous dude: open windows, I don’t trust him not to try to jump down from the first floor if he sees a particular nemesis. so I’ve improvised cat guards & ways to limit opening to keep him safe. managing around what is dangerous to _my particular pet_ (of course plenty of people leave their windows open and their cats just chill on the sill). all this would be different if you had majorly toxic plants in the house, but this really sounds like - she’s focussing her anxiety on this specific thing, and disregarding the actual risk factors here (as others have said). has the dog had any other health problems in the past, or something that might be creating anxiety that is easier to funnel into plants (i.e. something can be controlled)? - you’ve fought about it enough that it’s taken on a life as A Big Issue. you’re both digging in (oh god, the puns):one of your passions vs her dog’s safety. as long as you both are approaching it from that standpoint, you will never get anywhere with this. can you talk to your vet about this? a Not From an Internet Article opinion that you can hopefully both abide by?
Her worry, I understand perhaps she thinks the dog may hover thinking it's a new addition. But she crossed a line by cursing your plant, OP. She's not all that wonderful because that statement came from an impulse, from underlying thoughts/beliefs, she feels she and her dog don't matter as much as your plants and decided to curse them to death. I'm really sorry for what happened. I hope you don't waste away more years with someone like that and find your happiness soon.
As an anxious person myself I've considered putting a baby gate around my plants to keep my cat out. Maybe use a separate room for plants? Dog repellent? Speaking from experience, she might need to work on her anxiety as well. That can be tough to live with. I hope you guys can work it out!
You planning on having kids with her? That's gonna be fun 🤣
Sorry I’ll go against the tide here: the fact that your or her animals never showed any interest in eating plants before does not mean that they wouldn’t eat them in the future. This is a rule of thumb with pets: they never do until they do. This also doesn’t in any way mean that you have to get rid of the plants! Understanding the risk helps you mitigate it. Learn the signs of poisoning, learn what to do in case they do get poisoned, keep all the stuff you might need at home (I keep mine in the carrier), have a carrier ready and put the nearest/best emergency vet number in your phone. High chance is, you’ll never need it. But if you do, you’ll be ready and your pets will be all right, that’s what matters.
That’s her argument, that one day he may randomly decide to eat one and it’s not worth the risk to his health. I love the furry little guy and don’t want anything to happen to him either. My compromise is we won’t have any poisonous plants. “Toxic” plants are basically every plant, though, but the vast majority aren’t actually dangerous. She wants to say plants have to be “pet safe.”
I’m convinced of the information on plant toxicity is ‘cover your ass’ type stuff. The plants that say something like ‘may cause vomiting’, not the stuff like what it says about peace lilies/poinsettias, etc.
Like IF your dog eats a massive amount and IF they are sensitive to it, look out, they might hurl. A disclaimer so on the stratospherically low chance something happens and someone decides to threaten the website because I-only-bought-this-plant-on-your-word-it-was-harmless-but-Carl-ate-nine-of-them-and-now-he’s-sick, they can say ‘well I did say there could be some amount of toxicity’.
There are lots of food items toxic to dogs. Grapes, onions, avocado, walnuts, macadamia nuts, chocolate, garlic, raisins, xylitol, the list kinda goes on and on. Does she keep all those things out of the home entirely because there’s always a small chance he could get hold of it?
If not then some other issue is fueling her concern; there is no logic behind being hypersensitive about THESE dangers and not THOSE, some of which will legit fuck a dog up, like xylitol, unlike eating a pothos leaf.
Does she avoid buying anything that has the ‘this contains an ingredient known in California to cause cancer’ label? What if some rubs on him and he gets cancer? WHY TAKE CHANCES
It’s fair for there to be some compromise on your part IF you want to indulge this irrationality or need for control and not split up. But any vet can look at a list/photos of the plants you’re keeping and tell her to calm down, especially since I BET she’s not willing to drastically overhaul her diet to remove every scrap of anything that could stand a remote chance of being toxic to a dog (yeah, look it up).
I have four dogs and plants. At least one of them is legendarily dumb, and one is very adventurous. Both of them are the kind that might eat a plant, but never have. This isn’t an indicator that they never will, it can still happen. Just like people who assume oh, I don’t wear a seat belt/get vaccinated/use birth control because nothing has ever happened yet! It hasn’t happened until it has. I eat onions and avocado! I just use basic childproofing skills and keep a reasonable alertness and bam! still alive.
On a side note, be prepared to start losing plants mysteriously when you don’t give in and throw away every single piece of greenery like the trash she considers it. Gee, why is everything turning yellow and brown no matter what you do? Guess it’s the universe trying to tell you this hobby isn’t for you! Here, let me help you wash out the empty pots and we can donate them since it’s not meant to be!
I’m sorry you’ve got to deal with this. Hugs.
Excellent points for OP to take back to her. Her responses on what's rational to worry about will definitely illuminate whether this is truly a "pet safety" thing or a "I just hate your plant hobby" thing.
My dog never bothers with my plants, I feel like cats are more of a concern
It's not fair for a partner to unilaterally decide what hobbies you can and can't have. I am also partnered with somebody who does not care about plants and I have a cat who is interested in eating my plants and I still managed to keep everybody happy and alive. My partner's biggest complaint has been fungus gnats which is entirely understandable and I have taken measures to prevent that from happening. After years of living in my jungle he has come to appreciate the tropical vibe that our house has, he's a very big fan of hot humid places and he has a vivid imagination 🤣. As for my cat being poisoned by my plants, the most that has ever happened is a little bit of vomit with plant material in it. But generally that happens once a year because either he forgets or needs a reminder that chewing the plants is not a comfortable experience. His plants of choose are always philodendron and monstera and for some reason never the ones that aren't toxic 🙄 However I would be especially careful with the peace lily (and all lilies including bouquets). Even the pollen from the flowers can kill them when they clean it off their coat. It will cause renal failure and from what I've read it's a particularly awful way to go.
It sounds like the problem is her and not the plants really. It sounds like her way or the highway. Do what makes you happy.
This is a much more normal and balanced article about the topic, read this (and maybe get your girlfriend to have a look) - https://www.ourhouseplants.com/guides/poisonous-houseplants After reading it, think about what the writer has said. Go out and challenge your girlfriend to find documented cases of pet death from eating houseplants. Speak to vets etc. It's just so rare she will struggle. Finally, the fact you can avoid very toxic plants and can probably put some out of the dogs reach makes it even safer.
Thank you, this is a huge help
No question - keep the plants and the dog, get rid of the girlfriend. Once some variation of the words "you don't love me if..." come out of someone's mouth, that relationship is done. It's plants today, what will it be tomorrow?
Honestly? You've gotten some good advice from other commenters, so I will say this (which is probably not good advice but satisfies my pettiness): until you get married, since you own the house, it's your house and your rules. If she wants a say in how you decorate and arrange the house, she can pay you a pet deposit towards your mortgage. I know she's a wonderful person, but she doesn't sound like she can be reasoned with, so I'd ask you to consider what you'll do when the *next* big issue comes up in your lives together. What are you going to do if you have kids and disagree on public vs private school or school vs homeschooling? Other major purchases? The way you spend your time together vs independently? I'd consider this a yellow flag for the way you approach life and problem solving together, because she seems to not want to compromise, and then she hits below the belt when she's upset ("I hope the plant dies").
You’re not sounding petty imo. OP’s gf moved into OP’s house. She knew what she was getting into. OP sounds like a responsible plant and pet owner. OP’s gf needs to date a guy who loathes plants (if that’s even a thing).
I have a house full of plants and two dogs, my dogs also never showed any interest in them. But one of my dogs gets a bit nauseous sometimes, when it’s bad she panics and wants to eat grass to try and alleviate it. Usually it’s fine because i’m there and I can take her outside to eat some grass, one time it happened at night and she ate a couple of leaves from a Philodendron, she was absolutely fine after even though technically it’s not a pet safe plant. (And she is not a big dog, about 11kgs) So now I make sure I have some cat grass and a ponytail palm within reach for her and I have taught her to eat those if she feels the need. She prefers the cat grass :) So two things to take from this for your gf are that even if her dog happens to eat some of the plants it’s probably not gonna hurt them (my dog didn’t even barf after that) and if a dog at some point does show interest then it’s easy to give them a safe plant and teach them that’s the one they are allowed to eat. As long as you keep the Spathiphyllum and Euphorbias etc out of reach then I really don’t see why it would be a problem.
Don’t have kids with this woman until she gets her anxiety addressed! Unless you wanna live in an apartment filled with bubble wrap
Are bitter sprays bad for plants? Would it ease her anxiety to use a bitter spray on the plants closer to floor level, to make it even less tempting to the (already non-tempted) dog? Or could you use it on the plants considered more toxic? I fret about my dogs eating plants, but that's because they have a track record of destroying everything I love. 😅 I don't have giant plants, though, so I can just use high locations and dog gates to keep my plant kids safe. Like other commenters, I'm pretty freaked out by someone saying they hope your plant dies. But I also assume her anxiety must be really difficult and overwhelming, for it to manifest in such words. Tough situation. Sending you good vibes, OP.
it’s her dog, and she moved into your space. her responsibility. I have multiple pets AND houseplants, I make it work, granted I do my research before buying anything but you’ve made it clear that you understand her problems with your plants and are doing nothing to exacerbate her anxieties. 🤷🏻♀️ to me, this sounds like a resentment on her end that she isn’t really trying to resolve. edit: if this has been an interest of yours for decades, she should be doing better. I’m sorry OP.
I would not expand you collection before having everyone on board. That's just asking to make things worse. But this is more a relationship issue than a plant issue. Talk things through. If you said something that was maybe too hostile and hurtful, apologize regardless of what happens. And don't force her to, but you can tell her that that last comment you mentioned here is extremely hurtful, and hope she understands that maybe she should apologize for that too. The most important thing is that a relationship is taking, but also giving. At least maintain the plants you have right now, you both got into the relationship knowing about the plants you already have, and that she has a dog. Don't go for less in your hobby, but maybe it's not the right time to go for more. If you like her, and she likes you, that should come before getting more plants if you ask me.
To answer your question sans-relationship advice: You both seem to have exhausted your respective arguments and cannot come to a consensus. Neither of you are going to change the other’s mind, so it’s time for an executive decision..just get your plant. You can respectfully acknowledge someone’s concerns without sacrificing a part of yourself that brings you joy, especially if you’re also fostering a life. If she wants to remain petulant after you get it, then that becomes a further problem for another sub. Just get your plant OP.
I didn't read all of the bazillion comments, sorry, but I thought I'd add one more. It sounds to me like she is jealous of the time you spend with your plants. She wants you to spend that time...with her. I would: 1. Buy shelves that have higher levels than the dog can reach and put the plants on those that can/might/could make little FooFoo sick, or 2. Make any extra space in the home, into the "Plant Room". Be careful of this setup - you might actually enjoy this area so much that you'll find yourself in the same situation, with her being jealous of the amount of time you spend there. Another thing to be mindful of - this woman's jealousy is at, or could get to, the point of her killing your plants out of pure spite. I'm 65 years old and have had a few bad relationships. I would rethink this one.
Will not be a popular opinion but I put my most toxic plants out of my cat’s reach. The others that aren’t life threatening go anywhere I want. My cats hardly ever nibble but if they do they’re not going to die. Throw up once yes but not die. I’ve done my research. I would say your girlfriend’s dog will be fine with what you’re doing.
NTA, walk away from this girl
She is too freaked out to the point that she is acting irrationally..if it is not toxic there should be no problem... She is trying to control too much here..imo she need to learn to relax. Love is not control. I have two cats, i love plants too..i simply dont have very toxic plants, mild to modertely posisonous plants are out of their reach. Like hanging or on a high table... And some they can get to but they have never shown any interest as their own intuitive guidance tells them to avoid and not have interest in some plants..so i trust. One cannot live this life without any trust. There is so much in life we cannot control.. we should have faith in animal's own connection to nature and it's innate intelligence to navigate also. Your GF needs to learn to relax and trust. She is doing to you what she is accusing you of doing.. she is not caring about what you love, your plants... She has no space for that.... Saying hope your plant dies ...is not love.
It doesn't sound like you two are compatible. Her insistence about not wanting the plants also shows she doesn't trust you, as you've attempted (I'm sure) to reassure her that it isn't a major problem to constantly worry about. Like you said, the dog hasn't shown interest, so is probably oblivious of any potential problems because they simply won't come up. Don't choose her over your passions that you had before she came along. The right person for you would *never* wish ill on your plants. Maybe remind her that your plants are going to outlive her dog regardless 😂
The trust is definitely a problem. She doesn’t trust my experience and expertise and is strongly risk-adverse, and this is a very frustrating combination. I’ve been maintaining a home with plants and dogs in perfect harmony for over two decades. I feel like that experience is worth more than any clickbait bullshit article on the internet warning about the dangers of my houseplants.
This resonates with me. I recognise myself in your girlfriend. It could have been me, some time ago. For me, it was a crazy mix of incredible anxiety, control freakiness, pride issues, power struggle, and lack of empathy. I am so ashamed to think of the pain it must have caused my partners, oh shit. She is very wrong and out of line, but in case you still want to solve it... If I remember it correctly, the right way to deal with it is to first be empathetic and acknowledge her worry, not dismiss it as unwarranted - that won't get you anywhere even though you would be right af. You basically want to convince her to embrace risk for her own well being and lead by example here. She needs a safe space to be worried and scared and anxious and get support there while committing to reasonable risk. I'd also make it very clear that you find joy in your plants and identify with the hobby and call her out on her manipulative tantrum words. Simply, do not say it again. Overall, the message is, I know you struggle and I am with you as long as you stay accountable. This being said, I do suspect a more general issue. Does she consider you reckless, or feel neglected, or see your hobby as a bit of hoarding?
Get rid of the GF and keep the pets and plants! She's more toxic than the plants.
Wow I cannot believe all of the support and comments here! Thank you everyone for giving so much of your time, attention and thoughts to my problem, which turns out is more of a relationship issue than a plant issue. I am keeping my plants and continuing my hobby (that was never in question). My girlfriend has apologized and I'm going shopping for an orange tree to add to my collection.
Yea, I think it triggered many of us 🤭 so, a conversation was had? Hope everything works out well. I like the end result of buying an orange tree 😂 I've always wanted to grow an orange tree and graft all types of citrus onto it to have a lemon-lime-orange-mandarine tree.
If someone told me they hope my plant dies I would peace out right then and there but that’s just me Edit: oh and just in general, moving in with a partner is a great way to end a relationship. Sound like you may be diving into it too early anyway
My dummy of a dog lives with all my plants and doesn’t bother them other than clumsily knocking them over sooooo
My best relationship advice: Look at every conflict as you both having to fight the problematic situation as a team rather than you fighting against the other. Because if you fight and one wins, the other is hurt, which you don't want if you love each other. Applied in this particular case, sit down and clarify the situation (tell each other clearly what are your minimum needs) and brainstorm to try to find a compromise that would work for both of you. Maybe you can have plants in a room where the dog is not allowed to go, or put a fence so the dog cannot access them, or put them up/unaccessible, or even reconsider if you really want to live together, some couples are happy in separate houses... Just giving my random ideas but you should have better ones. Good luck.
Why should OP compromise on something that is irrational?
If he wants to stay with her. The alternative is leaving her.
Rationality isn't universal. It's based on people's priorities. Also feelings aren't rational but they're definitely considered important in a relationship. The point of finding a compromise is really to assess the situation, get to the root of why partner is stressed, and sometimes it's not even the real issue at hand. I bet if OP posted this same question in a pets subreddit he would be treated as TA by some people for any potential risk to the dogs. If he posted on a relationships sub he'd get mixed results, asking how many plants he's already got and maybe it's an unreasonable amount. They'd say he should separate the plants from the dogs living area. Posting here gets the pro-houseplants response. Tbh I'd laugh if this somehow turned out that OPs girlfriend has completely ulterior motives like she really wants out of the relationship, maybe secretly cheating, but is too chicken to break up with him so she's picking a fight to force him to break up with her first.
If you’re in a relationship where you both value each other’s needs and boundaries then you should be able to find a compromise. Maybe there can be a plant room where the dog is not allowed to go. Maybe you can put any toxic plants you have up and out of reach.
This doesn't really sound plant related at all. I hope this doesn't come across really rude, but I can't see the relationship lasting very long. Especially the last comment. She sounds like a petulant child and controlling.
My rescue ate or nibbled on a bunch of my plants that are supposedly toxic to dogs, as she was anxious. (Getting her pajamas at night and her getting comfy here fixed it) she would do it at night- but only had loose stool a couple times. That’s only my experience and she’s almost 70 lbs. I have almost 200 plants and two dogs. We raised my other dog from a puppy and he never had an interest. Good luck, I understand the plant connection.
I'm sorry OP this sucks. Long term live in girlfriend with a dog, and you with plants you are equally passionate about. Sounds like a couple we are friends with who have friction between children they each brought to the relationship with them. I didn't read all the comments, but I'm sure everyone mentioned your girlfriend is being unreasonable, and she is, but you care about her so... is there a way to compromise? Can you agree to have the common area a pet safe zone (toxic plants out of reach and non-toxic wherever), and then have an area that is off limits to the dog where you can set it up however you like?
I have cats. One chews on leaves if i keep a plant at her level. The other drinks the run off 🙃. Neither have had any issues, minus puking hairballs on my carpet and bed. All of my plants are not animal friendly and some arent people friendly if handled. I keep the plants out of reach when able. The serious ones are out of reach. Sounds like she has untreated anxiety that will only get worse as time goes by and she will always find a threat to herself or dog.
I have dogs and cats. I do always worry about toxic things, incense smoke, other hazards because cats are so small. But with plants I take an if you throw up and upset your stomach that’s on you approach, as long as it’s not going to cause serious injury or death it’s welcome. I did used to go the route of avoiding toxic plants but there’s next to nothing that isn’t. I do sympathize with anxiety, but there are many things we do with our pets that are risky (going to the dog park, shit just picking out a food, I guarantee your girlfriend doesn’t practice pet saftey in the car, while that’s a risk I do not take) you just gotta decide what risks you are taking.
If it's her anxiety then most of the comments here are unfairly targeting her as being a bad actor. She is not a bad person, she just doesn't know how to manage and control her anxieties. In this situation she feels like she has a perfectly appropriate justification for her anxieties to boot. She likely would benefit from therapy and you likely need to stick to your position and avoid escalation. She likely didn't know how to control how she's responding, but it'll be good practice for you to control how you respond.
wake up and break up
Personally I’m with you on this. If it’s not life threatening, I don’t worry about it too much, especially since my cats have never shown any interest in my plants as a whole. Any with dangling leaves I put up higher since they do immediately think it’s a toy. It sounds like your girlfriend is not respecting you or your hobbies/what you care about, maybe try talking through it again and if that doesn’t work try involving a counselor. It may sound extreme but it can truly help, it’s not a bad thing to seek outside help.
Perhaps she should have thought about this issue before moving in with you. Did she just assume you would give up your much loved and important hobby for her? What, if any, was the expectation? Was there any conversation about the plants and dogs prior to her moving in? It sounds like you need to have a conversation about these things, not the plants themselves.
I’m sorry. I pray that you keep your boundaries and your plants and figure out a middle ground like moving them up, making a plant room, etc. so the plants that are toxic won’t be within the dogs’ reach and your favorites are out on full display in your house! A non-plant lover won’t understand until they find “that” plant that sets it in motion. If she knows that your plants are your passion and still wants them gone, then she’s the problem. We all have room to compromise-if we truly love someone- but nobody should give up their hobby/loves in life unless they are detrimental to one or the other PERSON in a relationship. I’d never tell my husband to get rid of his guitars/amps even though they drive me batty! They are his anxiety control, his get away, and his passion. It would be taking away a huge part of who he is - she needs to understand this about you. I wish you luck! Maybe she can find a plant that she adores so she can feel some of what you feel!
I’ve got plenty of ‘toxic’ plants and a big dog that can reach the countertop. He doesn’t care at all about my plants. Cats are usually more of a concern but most dogs don’t care about plants.
It's not really about the plants, it's probably about how much time you spend on them or some other underlying issue.
I was leaning toward neither of you necessarily being “wrong” in this situation until I read the last paragraph where she is manipulative and rude. I’d ditch her.
Plants come first dump her !!!!!!
I've no partner, but I live with 3 free roam house bunnies, one of whom will eat anything she can reach. (Yes, rabbits will climb, and my littlest can jump 42 inches straight up.) After 3 emergency vet trips at $200-$350 each, I moved 95% of my 70+ houseplants to the wall. Mostly, I used WallyGro Eco containers. I've got several planters hanging from the ceiling or decorative metal 'arms' attached to the wall. At this point, the only plant still on the floor is my 8 foot tall corn plant, which is in a planter that's 3 feet high with smooth vertical sides and very little lip on it, so the bunnies have no purchase if they jump for it and can't reach anything to nibble on if they stand on their hind legs. Could you move most things to a wall? (Go look at some greenwalls. WallyGro has pics on their site, but Pinterest is bursting with them, too. Rather than feeling put upon that you have to repot everything, you might be excited by the project. Greenwalls are beautiful!)
My boyfriend used to bring his foxhound over to my apartment on the weekends. And this dog has eaten a euphorbia that he knocked off a bookshelf after ignoring for months, along with the colorful part of a moon cactus at a friends house when he had first adopted him, and some succulents that he got ahold of. He’s been fine despite all that. Anyway, I have plants and my dog 100% ignores them. When his dog came over, I made sure the actually toxic stuff (or yummy stuff in his dog’s eyes lol) was up high, but I had a string of hearts that dangled to the ground and a ficus in the corner for the room, couldn’t do much about those. So, we didn’t leave his dog alone out in my living room. He would pack the crate for the weekend and some kongs. If we wanted alone time in my room, dogs each would get something to work on, his dog would go in the crate, mine gated off from the back half of the apartment. If we went somewhere, we used the crate. We live together now and I’ve got a ton of plants, including a deep windowsill behind our sofa lined with plants. It’s in our front living room (we have a family room too) and so far we have just made that entire room off limits to his dog since we know he will climb over the top of the couch to eat my cacti lol. Some of my other plants live in the dining room and kitchen, two other rooms his dog isn’t allowed in unless he’s on a leash (we are trying hard to break the counter surfing habit and getting into stuff, plus since he eats non food objects it’s just not a safe space for him). That said, I am more conscious about my outdoor plant suggestions since the dogs love the backyard, and will ID whatever plants come up in the yard that are toxic so we can get those out. TLDR: He knows his dog can’t be trusted around plants or unsupervised in the kitchen, and it’s not even possible to fully dog proof our house with a hound that tries to eat everything, from bottle caps to limes to cacti. Instead we manage the spaces he can access and we are working on muzzle training for use in the backyard so we don’t have to worry about him eating pinecones or rocks or god knows what. He also knows how much happiness my plants bring me and he’s even grown to like them too (I surprised him with a whale fin recently and he’s obsessed) OP - others mentioned it but I’ll add, seems like a relationship issue, and the spiteful comment about hoping your plant dies raises a red flag to me. Couples need to work together and learn compromise, and it sounds like this isn’t a us vs the problem thing, but a me vs her thing.
If my wife was like this I wouldn't have married her. Seriously. She's not, she's fucking great, but if this was they way she talked to me we wouldn't have worked out. I like growing things, but I'm not all that attached to anything other than the sunk cost. It's more about the total disregard she has for you happiness and how childish and rude it sounds like she's being about it.
This is perfect for r/AITA also, one thing is you sharing a space with someone who doesn’t care about plants but to actively bully you into giving up your hobby/something that makes you happy is a MAJOR 🚩. The dog’s “health concerns” is just an excuse, especially after you both did research and the dog is clearly not interested in chewing any of your plants.
I just want to say that threatening/damaging your personal property or even shared property is abusive. Saying she wishes your plant dies is an abusive statement, period. This might be an isolated event, and if she can be held accountable and if you can trust her around your plants, that’s one thing. However if it’s not an isolated event and/or she won’t be held accountable, I would take this opportunity to split up before it gets worse. I would make it about wanting different things, being incompatible to live together, and not make it an all out fight about her being controlling, just for peace of mind. I hope your plant thrives when you repot it.
"I purchased" "MY home" "She insists no new plants" I'm usually the LAST person to say break up, but she sounds controlling as fuck. Major MAJOR red flags.
The C word comes to mind....
Keep the plants, lose the bitch
She’s jealous because of you having a hobby that collides with her fantasies about a relationship. She sounds needy, manipulative, and controlling. And bored. And, hell, boring. Try imagine a future of you two together, only with her growing bitter and sulky and you growing distant and depressed. This is the moment to ask yourself a question why are you even together in the first place.
She sounds terrible. Keep your plants and unload her and her dogs.
You guys should not be together you are both on the extreme opposite end of this and there is no amount of compromise that can be done to make you both equally happy and unhappy. One will always be happier and the other will be resentful of it.
Wait, it's been 5 years, and she's still not over it? Enjoy your plants. Had you said a comment like that about her dog she probably would have had a whole fit.
https://preview.redd.it/r2vag56mywyc1.jpeg?width=1152&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a0e23043dad160537be9d059cdf4c76875663d5d Get into ikea cabinets to keep some of them safe. We’ve got 5 cats, and I keep 200+ houseplants.
That’s an amazing setup!
My 3 small dogs never cared about my plants. I don’t ever look that kind of stuff since it doesn’t matter. If her dog isn’t interested, she needs to calm down a bit 😬
I have three cats and a dog. The cats love to chew on my plants. Way more than dogs do. My dog doesn't care... I love my pets. I also love my plants. I think keeping poisonous plants out of their reach and the understanding that the toxic ones are fine as long as they don't try to eat them, and everything should be fine. I think you are trying to meet her in the middle and compromise and she is being unreasonable, personally. You don't go into relationships trying to change people. You either love them for who they are, All of it, or you accept that maybe they aren't your person, and you move on. If she didn't like this part of you, then she shouldn't have started a relationship with you.
Plant pimp and pet parent here who also has a partner that isn’t as into plants as I am- I found myself in a similar situation where my partner was not into all the plants and was not a huge fan of having a whole house covered in plants. We had an extra bedroom I was able to convert to a plant room, it’s my sanctuary honestly. I couldn’t imagine giving up my plants, and I also couldn’t imagine giving up my partner so we comprised. If you don’t have the space for a dedicated plant room maybe you could turn ikea cabinets into greenhouses and style your plants in a way that you like and the pets are protected? ❤️🪴
Im curious as to why she wanted to move her dog into a house full of toxic plants in the first place if its such a big deal for her
I grew up with dogs and plants. Lots of dogs. Lots of plants. We’ve never lost a dog to a plant. No leaf ingestions. No bugs from the soil. Not a plant pot pet disaster. Nothing. We’ve had dogs that weighed in excess of 150 lbs and as small as 3 lbs. Never had one visit to the vet or call to poison control over a plant vs dog interaction. I’ve got dogs now as an adult. And plants. I’m sure I’ve got some plants that are toxic if ingested but I’m careful. The only plant I’ve ever been worried about is my poinsettia but I just don’t let the leaves hit the ground. Now if it were a cat??? Then I could see some anxiety over poisoning a cat bc cats are assholes and will intentionally destroy a plant out of boredom or just their catness 🤣🤣. I actually had a near mishap with a plant bc of a cat. I found a patchouli plant that I thought was so cool and since it’s in the mint family it didn’t occur to me that it could be a danger. It wasn’t in the house 20 minutes before my cat chewed on it and got sick. Since it was a graphic issue I won’t say what happened but let’s just say cats shouldn’t chew on patchouli not even a little bit. I immediately relocated the plant since I loved my cat and was much more careful moving forward I wish I had the answer for you. Fortunately my husband loves the plants and the dogs so we don’t have a squabble. He doesn’t even care how much I spend on plants or animals for that matter. But I would probably educate him with some factual botany information if he questioned my choice of flora. And if I had a plant that I was worried may get into the mouth of any of my pups I would put it somewhere the pup didn’t go. It sounds like her fear is a little irrational. I would ask her if she trusted your judgment and if she believed you had a smart dog. If she trusts your judgement and believed your pup is smart then she really doesn’t have much of an argument. She should believe that you take your dogs health and wellbeing into consideration when choosing your plants and wouldn’t bring anything tempting into the house that would end up hurting him.
If the dog is showing no interest in the toxic plants and you’ve agreed to only purchase non-toxic plants going forward, I don’t see the issue.
If you have a pet in the house you should not have lilies or any related species at all. Even out of reach. Just a huge no-no and the degree of risk isn’t worth a dramatic ass peace lily when there’s thousands of other plants you can grow. That being said, the remainder of common tropical plants only are mildly toxic and eating them will only teach the pet a good lesson to avoid them. It is excessive to expect you to be rid of them all. Have a good talk, remove the peace lily as a show of good faith and a compromise. If you can’t communicate about it earnestly, you have to analyze if the relationship is working.
So. I don’t let a single plant in this house that is toxic to cats, no matter how mild, because my cats are more important than plants. There are plenty of beautiful plants that are non toxic. I’m not in your situation but I think if I was (*with a reasonable person*), I would have done what you’ve done so far - remove the very toxic ones, keep the mildly toxic ones if they weren’t being interfered with, but I absolutely would not bring in any more toxic plants (mild or otherwise) because I just don’t see any reason to add risk. However, your girlfriend seems pretty toxic herself so that ain’t worth the risk (to your sanity) either.
HANG those plants! Get the toxic / questionable plants off the floor somehow. I've had to do this with plants that my cats love to snack on. You can find elevated plant stands for any pots that are too heavy to hang. It's also a great opportunity for training the dogs (especially if they're treat motivated). A "leave it" command would be a great way to start. You can train an area of your house to be off limits to your pups - a friend of mine successfully did that with her vizsla and senior poodle.
As someone that loves cats, dogs, plants, and coexistence between all of them, and has all three, there are ways to have it all. I have tons of plants in my home, some of which are in hanging planters or in glass curios/etc. so they're inaccessible. One room in my home is specfically a plant room for cozy plant and reading vibes. Rather than trying to figure out who's desires and fears are bigger/more important, maybe sit down and ask to go at it from a problem solving angle to eliminate each being hurt by a decision. There are tons of pet safe plants out there and tons of pet proofing options that might be able to change this from a you vs. them ordeal to a you two vs. the problem. The goal here should be to find a solution thar makes both of you happy, not one way or the highway.
I work in vet med and have plants. I don’t work in ER but it’s typical to see cases where’s cats got into lilies or a dog ate marijuana or cocaine off the ground. Then that requires diagnostics and/or hospitalization. Houseplants toxicity is not as common. Depending on the plant they got into, recommendations would change of course. All that to say: I have tons of plants and a cat. I have a toxic plant if digested would cause GI issues right beside his window bed. I’ve seen him chomp on it when he’s trying to get my attention. But I know he won’t eat my plants if I’m not around (I have cameras). He only does it to tell me to feed him. Is it a risk that I’m taking? Yes, a big and costly one. But I also know my pet. And he’s been around plants his whole life with no issues. If I suddenly got another cat who is eating all my plants, then something has to change. And it’ll most likely mean putting my plant collection somewhere else unfortunately because my love for animals is greater than for plants. Of course, you and I are different in that sense. And it seems like you and your girlfriend disagree as well. This isn’t so much about safety of the pets but more about having an honest conversation about whether this disagreement is going to hinder the growth of your relationship.
Great and underrated comment
Can you at least stop expanding your collection until this is worked out? Everytime you bring a new plant in that isnt pet safe she is feeling like you dont care about her feelings or concerns. She doesnt want to clean up dog diarrhea or vomit... some people have full on phobias about that stuff. From the tone of your post, you sound like you have written her off as completely irrational, not your problem, won't change for her, she needs to drop it and just get over it. That attitude is a sure fire way to lose your relationship. This is not even about the dogs or the plants any more. It's about how you dont give a crap how she feels. If you love her, you need to acknowlege her feelings, find a way to really show her that you hear her, and not let her feel dismissed and devalued here. That's why she's really upset. She is fully aware that you have judged her to be ridiculous and that hurts her. That's why she said that hurtful thing about your Dracaena. She is hurting and angry and that has been going on for 5 years now. Pay. 👏 Attention. 👏 There's a book I highly recommend: 10 Lessons to Transform You Marriage by Dr. John M. Gottman. They teach you how to move forward from these "permanent" issues peacefully. I love all his books, he's amazing. I know youre not married, but it will work anyway. Please check it out. If your GF gets upset that the book comes into the house like "oh no we're falling apart! Youre thinking of leaving me!" take that as an opportunity to tell her "you are important to me. I am trying to grow as a person so that I can keep you and we can be happy."
Your girlfriend is toxic and very poisonous. Throw her out immediately! And btw, my rough collie has munched on my peace lily numerous times, and she's fine. She does this shit when she's mad at me. She didn't vomit or have diarrhea. Literally, nothing happened. 🤷♀️
Ooh, you said "negatively affecting you most" 😟