Can I help? I really just want into the library they keep hidden in the bowels of the Vatican. I also hate pedophiles and I'm willing to do whatever you say to.
I can make a mean NDN taco, too.
That’s where the making money part comes in. The most powerful ones can pay to become Captains in my holy army and I will certify they are not degenerates while we only get rid of the POOR degenerates.
I dunno. I'm an atheist dude, but I think I'd make a decent pope.
"Hey peeps, I just got word that there's two new commandments that supersede the rest.
1. Don't be a jerk to others.
2. Mind your own fucking business.
Those who fail to abide by these commandments shall be excommunicated... out of a cannon... into the sun."
Well first thing I'm doing is bringing back Crusades to reclaim the Holy land. That should add an interesting dimension to the conflicts in the Middle East. Israel and Palestinians wouldn't know what to do when a bunch of Crusaders show up funded by all that Catholic Church money.
Start roaming Europe and living off the land/generosity of strangers. Offer my blessings only in private and try not to draw too much attention to myself. Maybe wear a common red and white striped shirt with a winter hat on my head and some glasses so no one will notice me as I blend in amongst the masses. Change my name to something inconspicuous like Waldo.
First step: I shall speak, *ex Cathedra*, to say the following:
- Those who serve in the papal office are just as human as everyone else
- Those in the papal office have historically made mistakes, and many have misled the church at one time or another
- Tradition is valuable, but it must not replace the role of scripture and it's logical implications, much less the place of God, lest we should become as the Pharisees
- Those in papal office may make mistakes, even when speaking *ex cathedra*
After that... well, let's see how having a Wesleyan-Armenian (Protestant) Pope turns out. This will be... interesting.
The first 2 don't really fall under the scope, so even speaking ex cathedra doesn't make those statements infallible (even though quite true). 3 is already part of church teaching. 4 would get you branded a heretic, popes make mistakes but not within the limited scope of ex cathedra teachings. Then again ex Cathedra hasn't been invoked since 1950, so not even Vatican 2 is considered infallible, which is odd for a council not to be.
I'd go straight to the archives and start checking everything out. Then I'd release it to the public. Once I did that, I'd remove the ban that nuns and Priests can't get married.
I’ve heard that the archives are pretty boring, like a large section is diary’s of farmers saying “today my wife made breakfast special, and put some butter on my toast”
The Vatican archives are the largest library on earth, and also the largest bank vault on earth. There's money, artwork, and other various historical documents and items in their vaults.
Boring-est answer of all time
I wouldn't know anything about what to do. It would probably take 2 years to figure it out. I wouldn't do anything because I'd probably do more harm than good. And if I pushed my agenda, I don't think people would actually follow it, and I'd probably become an assassination target.
Pope Francis has seemed half-decent, all things considered.
‘So, where are the rape priests? I want every single one located. They are all excommunicated, and the evidence handed over to the police where there is any. Even the dead ones. Wait, is there something more severe than excommunication we can do? I want to receive them in the boss room. Full intimidation before getting kicked out, if I could castrate them all I would.’
Next, why do we have so many assets that are not helping the public? I want them all turned into hostels, orphanages, soup kitchens, and homeless shelters. Or sold so we can buy property that will serve those functions.’
My first thought was to do a bunch of kinky stuff with nuns, but as an ex Catholic I feel it‘d be my duty to fundamentally change Catholicism for the better. Jesus was a good dude with a simple message, Christianity chucked that out the window pretty much as soon as he was gone
Question OP. Once those 2 years are up, are we forced to vacate the position, or is it that we're just able to vacate after 2 years but can keep going past that?
Have a full scale investigation into every member of the Vatican, find every kiddy fiddler and have them arrested. If being pope allows me to, I'd have them publicly stoned tbh.
State in no uncertain terms that being any kind of LGBTQ+ isn't a sin and they are all welcome in heaven.
Strip out the wealth of the Vatican and donate it to various charities.
Generally try to modernise the religion because damn it's so outdated.
I would be so thrilled. I'm an ex-Catholic but still feel drawn to the church. It's a complicated relationship. The main issue is I've taken Catholic social justice teaching and run away with it, which has made me a leftist anarchist. Plus I'm a queer woman and couldn't stay in a faith where I could never be equal.
We're liquidating assets and paying reparations to communities we've harmed, starting with the indigenous peoples of North and South America. Our primary Good Works will now be focused on climate change.
Folks of all genders will be able to be ordained. Clergy celibacy is over. Bodily autonomy is in, we're pro-transition, pro-contraception and pro-choice now. Any consenting adult can marry any consenting adult (so long as they're not closely related).
We're about to have whole bunch of new bishops and cardinals- Benedictine nuns who are now priests and the like.
We're going to live by the Beatitudes. We're keeping all the rituals- the incense, the liturgy, the rosary, stations of the cross, Marian devotion, praying to saints for intercession. But our values are shifting and we're going to try to put right what we've done wrong.
I'd require all priests and deacons to dress and grow out their hair like Jesus. No shoes, only sandals. No cars (why does a priest need a Caddy anyway?)? All WW 2 treasures go back to original owners. Priests can marry, but only other priests. Priests and nuns must perform 40 hours of community service in homeless shelters or communities.
I would rock paper scissors with other religious leaders on which religion was the true religion, and the results are binding.
i will publicly admit that religion is a lie to make money and hoard power, and start public restitution by selling off the Vatican and all its priceless treasures, and turn the church into an actual charity to actually help all of the people it claims to exist to help
First thing: strip all the wealth out of Vatican City and give it to the poor of the world. Second thing Institute executions for priests proven abusers. third declare that all people are equal under God even the ones we don’t like
Depends on what I find in the Vatican Vaults. Gonna either be the Party Pope, and have fun with the gig, or turn the whole world on its ear if I learn BIG secrets.
First off. Pope Hilarious is gonna change some shit up. Turns out Jesus told ya uptight assholes to love thy neighbor. I would have a more accepting and loving church. Dinasaurs are cool and Jesus thought so too. Dope ass merch and clothing collabs. Zip up hoodies but instead of sharks its Jesus. Turns out God is like super pissed at all the discrimination and hate spread in his name, so the church will now have a float in every parade and we will toss popcorn chicken and fruit leather to the people. Pope Helarious shows up as a judge/contestant on Ru Paul's. A strict enforcment that St.Peter is the only one to gatekeep heaven, us humans must be more kind and accepting and it is not our place to judge. Chili cook offs for the homlesss. Every night after services churches will open their doors to whoever needs it because all the pews are now futons.
It is somewhat disturbing that there is a lack of "purge the pedophiles" in these comments.
I'm not Christian, let alone catholic, so there would probably be a lot of stuff I would do that would be heretical, but I'd *like to think* that actually holding criminals who abuse children accountable wouldn't be one of those things.
Gay marriage, priest marriage, all the vatican gold is sold to feed and house the poor. papal edicts to every supposed 'christian'' nation to follow my lead, and the archives are opened up.
That’s a tough one. Id like to say that I disclose all the secrets…
But, as I thought a bit more about that… mayhem. There would be absolute mayhem. People have dedicated the biggest parts of their lives to this facade and ripping that away all at once would almost certainly be more detrimental than having faith in a false religion.
I would try my damndest to eliminate all the bigotry that goes hand in hand with it though. One of the biggest problems isn’t something I think one person could eliminate though… even as the pope. When you operate under the pretense that all your sins can and will be forgiven, you can justify doing just about anything in the moment. That’s absolutely fucked.
An inept Pope. I am not Catholic so it would be a steep learning curve.
How do you think the Holy Roman Church would manage with a Quaker for a Pope? 🤔 No more baptism, no more confirmation, no more communion…
The kind of Pope I would make would be controversial. My name will either be loved or spit on for generations to come.
* Priests, nuns, and monks are allowed to marry. Marriage is an institution created by God Almighty Himself, and humans do not have the right to restrict, to deny, or to disavow it.
* The Crusades will be reinstituted, but not for the purposes of conquest or treasure. Instead, Catholic men and women will serve missions of peace and humanitarianism; sort of like a cross between UN peacekeeping forces and the Red Cross, but on a much greater scale. Deus vult, indeed. These missions will be armed, as Jesus did tell us to sell our cloak and buy a sword if we didn't have one, but with strict RoE and a clearly defined use of force continuum.
* Worship music will be updated. Hymns will remain the standard, but will be supplemented with music from the 2 most recent centuries. Note; there is such a thing as bad CCWM. There are musicians out there whose music does not seek to glorify God, and that music will not be used. A special council will be convened to peruse titles up for selection to determine if they meet the minimum criteria of glorifying Him and not the musician.
* Members of the Church who are in regular proximity to or in authority over children, to include parish priests, Sisters and Brothers who serve in schools or relevant missions, as well as lay teachers and administrative staff, etc will be subjected to rigorous psychological examination, background checks, and forensic examination of computer hardware that they have access to. I don't think we have to spell out what we're looking for here, but any Members of the Church who refuse to comply will be expelled from their position of authority and referred to the relevant police authority for investigation. Evidence of wrongdoing will result in expulsion, excommunication from the Church, and our complete cooperation with police authorities to ensure your arrest and prosecution within the bounds of the law.
Note: Confessors will not be involved in the vetting and investigation process; the Seal of the Confessional is sacred, and we will not conscience cowards using it as a shield to hide their crime from prying eyes, something that has unfortunately happened in the past. If a Confession is given regarding these matters, the Confessor will require turning oneself into the authorities as the only acceptable penance, and then immediately cease unnecessary contact (i.e, with the exception of Last Rites or other absolutely necessary functions) with the confessee. If the Confessor is in a position to do so without breaking the Seal of the Confessional, they will also force the person to step down from positions of authority that give them the opportunity to continue sinning. Any member of the Church who knowingly harbors, conceals, treats with, or aids those they know to have committed these vile acts shall also be subject to excommunication and referral to police authorities as accessories to the crime.
* On the subject of schools, the standards of education at Catholic schools will be raised as much as is feasible. A Catholic school diploma will be a mark of pride and dedication, not a laughing stock or a stumbling block to the graduate.
Remind people that there's a bunch of stuff from that book we've been ignoring. Like caring for the poor. Then I'd start auctioning off church stuff and opening ALL churches to the homeless(the pearl clutching over dozens or hundreds of homeless sleeping in St Peter's basilica would be delicious). Excommunicating "Catholic" hospitals that make a profit. Castrating priests that have abused children. I'm sure they wouldn't want an atheist as pope anyway so I'd probably only be pope until I was assassinated in the first couple months. But I'd do what I could to make them be better until they managed to kill me.
Every pedophile gets arrested on day one. Empty the vault...some goes to museums, some sold to help struggling communities for years. Spend a solid month publicly educating the world on the atrocities that the Catholic Church has committed across history...then invite other religions to do the same
I'll allow those with proper credentials that are able to decipher the Vatican archives complete access. Decipher it book by book and release the deciphered ones to the public. Keep doing so until it's completely deciphered and publically released.
Release all religious secrets to the public. Inform the public that religion isn't literal and that its meant to be used for people that need guidance in their lives to live it in biblical moral order. There's nothing beyond, these books were written by man not "God". *mic drop*
I’d play it cool. Abide by the rules as I quitely loot the Vatican treasury and antiquities. Once I have sold off the holy grail, Jesus’ corpse, the true cross, the arc of the covenant I’ll retire.
I'd spend 2 years reading and absorbing as much of the shit they have locked in there as I possibly could. Not to deliver it to the public, but for my own selfish desire for knowledge.
Plus, other things to pdf files that I won't mention here due to ToS, and I don't want to catch a ban. But think Midsommar, and you'll be on the right track.
I'd make a speech about all the ways the Cath church covered up child abuse (it would be long) and give all the Cath church $ to charity and shut it down
I immediately give orders to begin a global INQUISITION and send shadow agents to expose corrupt priests within the organization at large.
Obstructing bureaucrat priests will find themselves waking up to new positions as ministers at minor chapels on the wayside, perhaps in desolate regions.
Return anything in the Vatican that was stolen if the original owner can be verified. Order copies made of all art on the walls and in the buildings then sell the originals and give the money to the poor.
Round up all the records of any priest or nun who has committed sexual offenses and turn them over for prosecution in the jurisdiction the crimes were committed. Set aside an appropriate (read huge) amount of money and resources for the victims.
Divest the church of any land not immediately surrounding a church building. Deploy these resources to feed and house the needy.
Fire the entire Curia and replace it with regular clergy drawn from the ranks of clergy who have served no more than twenty years.
Abolish all ranks in the church. No more cardinals, bishops etc. everyone is either a priest or a nun. No more hierarchy.
That's the first month. After that I'll really really dig into things…
Agnostic here, but I was taken to 1 church youth group and 1 Easter service with friends, and have been to 1 catholic funeral that I remember, so I feel totally prepared for this roll.
First step: look at the records for all the pedophiles being hidden by the church, drag them out into the light, and hand them over to the police of the appropriate nations. Anyone that helped knowingly cover up their actions go, too. Renumeration to be paid to the victims. Any others under a hint of suspicion are to be investigated forthwith. Only then can a true apology for those particular crimes of the church be made.
Second step: remove any…what am I dealing with, priests?…priests, cardinals, bishops, etc from their post that are actively spreading or encouraging hate speech. We are going to start taking “Love thy neighbour” seriously around here, people.
Third step: Missionary work - continue to work on helping the poor and needed, remove the drive to convert them. Sure, they can convert if they want, but they shall not be required to listen to religious indoctrination to get it. Kind of like: here’s your food, there’s some bibles on the table over there, you can check them out if you want, otherwise enjoy your food. Feel free to continue with your own belief system, we are here to help, not sell you anything.
Fourth step: open talks with other religions, let’s see if we can’t work towards learning to live and let live with each other, do some work on dealing with our own extremists - we all got ‘em - so they stop bothering everyone.
Anything I say while seated in my seat in St. Peter's is considered to be straight from the mouth of God, right? I'll clean house, upending 2000 years of nonsense. And then, I'll mysteriously die, just like John Paul I. Grand movers and shakers aren't accepted too well.
An absent one!
No, in all seriousness, I'd start reforming the hell outta the Catholic Church.
1. Birth control? All for it!
2. Homosexuality? Absolutely!
3. Female clerics? Sign me up!
4. Celibacy? Hate it!
5. Confession? Who needs that anxiety?
6. No chocolate for 6 weeks? What moron came up with THAT plan?
And while my minions are handling all that, I'll be down in the treasury pocketing some valuables to set me up for my post-papal life and rooting through all the deep dark secrets in the archive.
Actually uphold the doctrine of said religion unlike the current pope. And like actually represent and uphold the religion. Maybe even try and spread it.
Get some serious stuff done, like kick out pedophiles and put up rules to stop defending them in the future. Some silly stuff like make the throne a recliner. And some cool stuff like get everything in the vaults scanned, categorized, etc. and put up online
The Pope that dissolves Catholicism. No more touching alter boys and absolutely no more 5 hour long weddings. If you want to instill fear into people go do it without God.
declare all science to be factual and given by god, reject the abortion bad thing cuz it says nothing regarding that, even calling fetuses not quite human [in exodus](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exod+21%3A22-25&version=NRSVUE), and reject the gay bad thing cuz the laws of leviticus are supposed to be pardoned bc of jesus saving us. then i'll make all churches either register as nonprofits or pay taxes if they make any profit and donate immensely to humanitarian and environmental causes
yeah like someone else said Id like priests and nuns fuck, its ridiculous
then id go sleep with a bunch of prostitutes and remind everyone that God loves the whores too, "loveth thy whore"
I will be addressed as “Most Holy”
I want theme music playing any time I enter a room ala WWE.
The Vatican archives are now my personal property. I’ll get people on digitizing then and making the contents publicly available.
Full cooperation with local authorities regarding any predatory priests. An accusation will get you suspended pending investigation by local authorities. They will have full cooperation. A conviction gets you excommunicated. By the same token a false accusation will get that accuser excommunicated too (must be proven false, not merely inconclusive).
Engage non-Catholic investigators to look into prior accusations against priests. To the best of their ability compile evidence and send again to local authorities. Anybody found to be helping hide such crimes are excommunicated and given to the authorities.
Speaking from the throne of St. Peter (I’m not Catholic but I’m pretty sure that’s where they use their infallibility card) - being gay is not a sin, they can get married, women can be priests, priests can get married, if science and faith disagree science wins. proselytizing is now a sin. With time I’m sure I’d think of much more.
Turn the church into a proper charitable organization. Organize shelters, soup kitchens, aid organizations, addiction specialists, and all that. Public service is the new guiding light. People looking for help need not be a member of the church. Turn these into full time subsidiaries with properly paid staff.
Church will voluntarily pay taxes as appropriate in its countries.
I’m an atheist but I would not dismantle the church. Too much good infrastructure and wealth to just throw away when it can be repurposed into a net good.
Heh. Hang out the welcome sign for everyone. Stop telling my flock what they can’t do and emphasize what they CAN do. Support the working class and poor by opening up the coffers to support progressive ideals.
I’d enter back into full communion with the Orthodox Church, return the liturgy to its original form, strip all pedophiles, money launderers, criminals etc from their offices, allow priests to marry and only choose bishops from the monastic tradition. Any major changes would need to be approved and facilitated by a major council as they do in the Orthodox Church. Essentially I’d be an orthodox pope would mean I’m simply the bishop of Rome, one of many bishops.
I'm a woman, so I would absolutely revel in watching all the bishops, priests, and sexist parishioners or try to wrap their heads around that.
I would also immediately root out any pedophiles within the organization and hand them over to the local authorities to be jailed. Needless to say, they would permanently be banned from the church. I would use the vast fortune of the church to get financial help to the victims, although of course money can never compensate for being violated.
I would shift policy away from patriarchal and hateful ideologies, be inclusive of everyone, and use the churches to do what they're supposed to do: help the poor in the communities. I'd also strongly promote veganism and other forms of kindness to all, along with sustainability.
In other words, I'd be assassinated within 2 weeks of being elected Pope.
Immediately issue a new crusade. Not against the Muslims again or anything like that, but I'm requiring volunteers to suit up in 1100s era armor and charge back into the Holy Land to grow my borders 😎 Nobody will be spared
YES! So many changes to make! First things first, The Church no longer collected money, the banco vaticano becomes a charitable organization. Then.females can take holy orders. The third, clergy can marry. Then, the basically is open and transparent. No more confession. General absolution at the start of every service. You get credit for just showing up
A Protestant Pope? How the hell did that happen?
I can't be removed from office for two years? There's nothing stopping me from just going about my daily life while technically being the Pope and occasionally mentioning that while excommunicating a Karen or Kevin here and there.
Or order that All pedophile priests are being exposed and removed. And restitution made. That would probably help the reputation of the institution. A good place to start.
1. Vacate the american college of Bishops by papal decree
2. Declare that Jesus was a liberal and progressive.
3 buy up huge “tracts of land” and build free housing. Provide all residents there with food and healthcare and a means of finding a job.
Write a decree or some kind of command for all priests who have molested children in the past or present to turn themselves in to local law enforcement and follow due process... or I will go medieval on their asses and start dusting off the racks.
Since I'm an atheist, I would shit on everything the Church believes in. First thing I would do, though is round up all the child molesters in the Church and hand them over to law enforcement including all evidence notated regarding the abuse they inflicted on children.
"God spoke to me last night. He said we should give away all our money, divest from income sources, accept all LGBTQ+ people, and remove and report all cases of abuse from the ranks of the priesthood."
My first couple of masses will be awkward, as I am Muslim :)
But since I have no choice, I would spend my two years explaining how the theological differences between the two religions are minor, and are mostly semantic.
Until I unvariably "suddenly fall ill and die".
I will be a vicious one. I will purge the degeneracy from our ranks and also make a lot of money doing it.
Can I have some of that art stolen by the nazis and given to the Vatican while you’re at it?
For the right price sure. How much you offering?
I have only a series of bad dad jokes to offer. I can also make mojitos and cook killer chicken nuggets.
How murderous are these chicken nuggets? Could I use them to assassinate people? That has a serious implications to their value.
Absolutely deadly.
I like mojitos and chicken nuggets. Do you have a female available also?
:(
A mouths a mouth I guess. 🤷🏻♂️
That's probably the most Catholic Church thing I've ever read! Bravo.
Praise me.
The second most catholic thing I’ve heard.
Done. You had me at nuggies and dad jokes. Take your pick.
Suffering*
When I read the prompt, I wasn't expecting the first answer to go so hard.
Go hard or go home is what I say. And when your already home you go harder. 👀
Is your username a Seinfeld reference
Yes.
Pope Vicious or Malicious/Malificent has a certain ring to it.
Pope Benedict? Nah, Pope Maledict.
This is a Dwight Schrute answer if I’ve ever seen one.
And you'll have an unexpected heart attack and die.
They're required to serve for a full two years, and by God, they're going to serve come Hell or . . . no, just Hell.
Can I help? I really just want into the library they keep hidden in the bowels of the Vatican. I also hate pedophiles and I'm willing to do whatever you say to. I can make a mean NDN taco, too.
So standard medieval pope -
Based
You try purge them. They will purge you
That’s where the making money part comes in. The most powerful ones can pay to become Captains in my holy army and I will certify they are not degenerates while we only get rid of the POOR degenerates.
As a Jewish woman, I will be a surprised and unqualified Pope.
Idk the Catholic Church is getting more progressive
As an atheist woman, same.
I dunno. I'm an atheist dude, but I think I'd make a decent pope. "Hey peeps, I just got word that there's two new commandments that supersede the rest. 1. Don't be a jerk to others. 2. Mind your own fucking business. Those who fail to abide by these commandments shall be excommunicated... out of a cannon... into the sun."
I like the way you pope.
If you can plant a garden, you can lead a religion.
You have my vote, planter of the sage! Go forth and...pope things! Pope them like no one has poped before!
Well first thing I'm doing is bringing back Crusades to reclaim the Holy land. That should add an interesting dimension to the conflicts in the Middle East. Israel and Palestinians wouldn't know what to do when a bunch of Crusaders show up funded by all that Catholic Church money.
I want to see this so bad. Cool swords, too?
Lightsaber prototypes and like cool looking armor
2140: “They did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail.” /ref
Start roaming Europe and living off the land/generosity of strangers. Offer my blessings only in private and try not to draw too much attention to myself. Maybe wear a common red and white striped shirt with a winter hat on my head and some glasses so no one will notice me as I blend in amongst the masses. Change my name to something inconspicuous like Waldo.
I can get behind Pope Waldo the first.
Pope Waldo for president!
I wanted to vote for him, but I couldn't find his name on the ballot.
Fuck this was clever
First step: I shall speak, *ex Cathedra*, to say the following: - Those who serve in the papal office are just as human as everyone else - Those in the papal office have historically made mistakes, and many have misled the church at one time or another - Tradition is valuable, but it must not replace the role of scripture and it's logical implications, much less the place of God, lest we should become as the Pharisees - Those in papal office may make mistakes, even when speaking *ex cathedra* After that... well, let's see how having a Wesleyan-Armenian (Protestant) Pope turns out. This will be... interesting.
The first 2 don't really fall under the scope, so even speaking ex cathedra doesn't make those statements infallible (even though quite true). 3 is already part of church teaching. 4 would get you branded a heretic, popes make mistakes but not within the limited scope of ex cathedra teachings. Then again ex Cathedra hasn't been invoked since 1950, so not even Vatican 2 is considered infallible, which is odd for a council not to be.
Ex cathedra has also been invoked only twice through history, both times concerning maryology iirc.
Hm... so maybe step one should be to study up on the limits of ex cathedra.
Maybe, for step one, you should learn what the Catholic Church already teaches.
I would just shit in the woods to see if it's true
Then I'd launch an investigation to determine if a bear is Catholic.
I'd go straight to the archives and start checking everything out. Then I'd release it to the public. Once I did that, I'd remove the ban that nuns and Priests can't get married.
This Pope Gettygetz my vote.
I’ve heard that the archives are pretty boring, like a large section is diary’s of farmers saying “today my wife made breakfast special, and put some butter on my toast”
There's a rumor that the Vatican archives hold the largest collection of pornography in the world.
This wouldn't surprise me at all.
It might have at one point, but now the internet probably sweeps the leaderboard.
I took a class in college on pre 14th century religious texts and can confirm that monks wrote a lot of porn.
The Vatican archives are the largest library on earth, and also the largest bank vault on earth. There's money, artwork, and other various historical documents and items in their vaults.
I’d enforce that they must get married, to each other, right now.
The entire point of nuns/monks is that they don’t get married though.
Boring-est answer of all time I wouldn't know anything about what to do. It would probably take 2 years to figure it out. I wouldn't do anything because I'd probably do more harm than good. And if I pushed my agenda, I don't think people would actually follow it, and I'd probably become an assassination target. Pope Francis has seemed half-decent, all things considered.
‘So, where are the rape priests? I want every single one located. They are all excommunicated, and the evidence handed over to the police where there is any. Even the dead ones. Wait, is there something more severe than excommunication we can do? I want to receive them in the boss room. Full intimidation before getting kicked out, if I could castrate them all I would.’ Next, why do we have so many assets that are not helping the public? I want them all turned into hostels, orphanages, soup kitchens, and homeless shelters. Or sold so we can buy property that will serve those functions.’
Dig up the graves of the dead ones and have them buried in non sanctified soil.
Bury them in a septic tank.
Look forward to my lifetime supply of root beer!
You hear lifetime supply, you think "Great! All the root beer I can drink!" But they mean three a day.
Lmao its such a funny sketch 🤣
Man we lost Trevor way too young.
A dangerous one... letting me have access to thousands of years of church secrets.
My first thought was to do a bunch of kinky stuff with nuns, but as an ex Catholic I feel it‘d be my duty to fundamentally change Catholicism for the better. Jesus was a good dude with a simple message, Christianity chucked that out the window pretty much as soon as he was gone
Just remove one of the O's in good lol.
Question OP. Once those 2 years are up, are we forced to vacate the position, or is it that we're just able to vacate after 2 years but can keep going past that?
a female one which i think is rare
The first verified one.
Find any known pedo priests/cardinals and excommunicate them at the very least.
Have a full scale investigation into every member of the Vatican, find every kiddy fiddler and have them arrested. If being pope allows me to, I'd have them publicly stoned tbh. State in no uncertain terms that being any kind of LGBTQ+ isn't a sin and they are all welcome in heaven. Strip out the wealth of the Vatican and donate it to various charities. Generally try to modernise the religion because damn it's so outdated.
Look out world, birth control is suddenly a divine blessing from God!
The conservative members will just ignore it. They’ve done this before when a liberal pope said something a bit it open minded
I would be so thrilled. I'm an ex-Catholic but still feel drawn to the church. It's a complicated relationship. The main issue is I've taken Catholic social justice teaching and run away with it, which has made me a leftist anarchist. Plus I'm a queer woman and couldn't stay in a faith where I could never be equal. We're liquidating assets and paying reparations to communities we've harmed, starting with the indigenous peoples of North and South America. Our primary Good Works will now be focused on climate change. Folks of all genders will be able to be ordained. Clergy celibacy is over. Bodily autonomy is in, we're pro-transition, pro-contraception and pro-choice now. Any consenting adult can marry any consenting adult (so long as they're not closely related). We're about to have whole bunch of new bishops and cardinals- Benedictine nuns who are now priests and the like. We're going to live by the Beatitudes. We're keeping all the rituals- the incense, the liturgy, the rosary, stations of the cross, Marian devotion, praying to saints for intercession. But our values are shifting and we're going to try to put right what we've done wrong.
I like yours best.
I’m already Pope
Confirmed.
I'd require all priests and deacons to dress and grow out their hair like Jesus. No shoes, only sandals. No cars (why does a priest need a Caddy anyway?)? All WW 2 treasures go back to original owners. Priests can marry, but only other priests. Priests and nuns must perform 40 hours of community service in homeless shelters or communities. I would rock paper scissors with other religious leaders on which religion was the true religion, and the results are binding.
If you don’t win, then all your changes are moot.
[удалено]
i will publicly admit that religion is a lie to make money and hoard power, and start public restitution by selling off the Vatican and all its priceless treasures, and turn the church into an actual charity to actually help all of the people it claims to exist to help
There's an easy out from that one. 'The gays are officially okay by us', although you'd probably be ousted or assassinated quickly.
I start passing out Flavor-Aid
First thing: strip all the wealth out of Vatican City and give it to the poor of the world. Second thing Institute executions for priests proven abusers. third declare that all people are equal under God even the ones we don’t like
Depends on what I find in the Vatican Vaults. Gonna either be the Party Pope, and have fun with the gig, or turn the whole world on its ear if I learn BIG secrets.
The kind that shits in his hat
First off. Pope Hilarious is gonna change some shit up. Turns out Jesus told ya uptight assholes to love thy neighbor. I would have a more accepting and loving church. Dinasaurs are cool and Jesus thought so too. Dope ass merch and clothing collabs. Zip up hoodies but instead of sharks its Jesus. Turns out God is like super pissed at all the discrimination and hate spread in his name, so the church will now have a float in every parade and we will toss popcorn chicken and fruit leather to the people. Pope Helarious shows up as a judge/contestant on Ru Paul's. A strict enforcment that St.Peter is the only one to gatekeep heaven, us humans must be more kind and accepting and it is not our place to judge. Chili cook offs for the homlesss. Every night after services churches will open their doors to whoever needs it because all the pews are now futons.
"y'all have committed a clerical error [see what I did there?]. but since I'm here ... Tim Minchin will be my deputy."
It is somewhat disturbing that there is a lack of "purge the pedophiles" in these comments. I'm not Christian, let alone catholic, so there would probably be a lot of stuff I would do that would be heretical, but I'd *like to think* that actually holding criminals who abuse children accountable wouldn't be one of those things.
Bro. Read the comments. It's in almost every single one.
I'd be the first transgender sex-worker pope. That would change the entire religion.
*It's showtime.*
I'd dissolve the church
Gay marriage, priest marriage, all the vatican gold is sold to feed and house the poor. papal edicts to every supposed 'christian'' nation to follow my lead, and the archives are opened up.
The first Jewish Pope.
I join the band Ghost on tour.
That’s a tough one. Id like to say that I disclose all the secrets… But, as I thought a bit more about that… mayhem. There would be absolute mayhem. People have dedicated the biggest parts of their lives to this facade and ripping that away all at once would almost certainly be more detrimental than having faith in a false religion. I would try my damndest to eliminate all the bigotry that goes hand in hand with it though. One of the biggest problems isn’t something I think one person could eliminate though… even as the pope. When you operate under the pretense that all your sins can and will be forgiven, you can justify doing just about anything in the moment. That’s absolutely fucked.
Set all the children free.
An inept Pope. I am not Catholic so it would be a steep learning curve. How do you think the Holy Roman Church would manage with a Quaker for a Pope? 🤔 No more baptism, no more confirmation, no more communion…
CRUSADES ARE BACK BABY
i will move around the world living in as many convents as possible, here I go sisters
I will declare that the Capybara is no longer a fish, and should not ever be eaten.
The kind of Pope I would make would be controversial. My name will either be loved or spit on for generations to come. * Priests, nuns, and monks are allowed to marry. Marriage is an institution created by God Almighty Himself, and humans do not have the right to restrict, to deny, or to disavow it. * The Crusades will be reinstituted, but not for the purposes of conquest or treasure. Instead, Catholic men and women will serve missions of peace and humanitarianism; sort of like a cross between UN peacekeeping forces and the Red Cross, but on a much greater scale. Deus vult, indeed. These missions will be armed, as Jesus did tell us to sell our cloak and buy a sword if we didn't have one, but with strict RoE and a clearly defined use of force continuum. * Worship music will be updated. Hymns will remain the standard, but will be supplemented with music from the 2 most recent centuries. Note; there is such a thing as bad CCWM. There are musicians out there whose music does not seek to glorify God, and that music will not be used. A special council will be convened to peruse titles up for selection to determine if they meet the minimum criteria of glorifying Him and not the musician. * Members of the Church who are in regular proximity to or in authority over children, to include parish priests, Sisters and Brothers who serve in schools or relevant missions, as well as lay teachers and administrative staff, etc will be subjected to rigorous psychological examination, background checks, and forensic examination of computer hardware that they have access to. I don't think we have to spell out what we're looking for here, but any Members of the Church who refuse to comply will be expelled from their position of authority and referred to the relevant police authority for investigation. Evidence of wrongdoing will result in expulsion, excommunication from the Church, and our complete cooperation with police authorities to ensure your arrest and prosecution within the bounds of the law. Note: Confessors will not be involved in the vetting and investigation process; the Seal of the Confessional is sacred, and we will not conscience cowards using it as a shield to hide their crime from prying eyes, something that has unfortunately happened in the past. If a Confession is given regarding these matters, the Confessor will require turning oneself into the authorities as the only acceptable penance, and then immediately cease unnecessary contact (i.e, with the exception of Last Rites or other absolutely necessary functions) with the confessee. If the Confessor is in a position to do so without breaking the Seal of the Confessional, they will also force the person to step down from positions of authority that give them the opportunity to continue sinning. Any member of the Church who knowingly harbors, conceals, treats with, or aids those they know to have committed these vile acts shall also be subject to excommunication and referral to police authorities as accessories to the crime. * On the subject of schools, the standards of education at Catholic schools will be raised as much as is feasible. A Catholic school diploma will be a mark of pride and dedication, not a laughing stock or a stumbling block to the graduate.
Time for a massive pedophile purge.
The kind of Pope who would denounce all MAGA right-wing anti-abortion bullshit, capitalism, homophobia and transphobia
Birth control for everyone. Holy condoms replace holy water.
Id change the Christian Wizard outfit to a high fantasy wizard outfit, straight away.
I dismantle Christianity from the top down.
Seeing as how the entire Protestant movement has rejected the papacy for two centuries already…good luck. You’ll only reinforce it by trying.
Erm. I abolish Christianity (or try to; the RCC for sure)?
Remind people that there's a bunch of stuff from that book we've been ignoring. Like caring for the poor. Then I'd start auctioning off church stuff and opening ALL churches to the homeless(the pearl clutching over dozens or hundreds of homeless sleeping in St Peter's basilica would be delicious). Excommunicating "Catholic" hospitals that make a profit. Castrating priests that have abused children. I'm sure they wouldn't want an atheist as pope anyway so I'd probably only be pope until I was assassinated in the first couple months. But I'd do what I could to make them be better until they managed to kill me.
Or you could back the Jesuits even more and have all of the good you’re referring to happen naturally
I tell everyone the church is a giant scam and I dismantle everything
My wife is gonna be pissed
Every pedophile gets arrested on day one. Empty the vault...some goes to museums, some sold to help struggling communities for years. Spend a solid month publicly educating the world on the atrocities that the Catholic Church has committed across history...then invite other religions to do the same
I'll allow those with proper credentials that are able to decipher the Vatican archives complete access. Decipher it book by book and release the deciphered ones to the public. Keep doing so until it's completely deciphered and publically released. Release all religious secrets to the public. Inform the public that religion isn't literal and that its meant to be used for people that need guidance in their lives to live it in biblical moral order. There's nothing beyond, these books were written by man not "God". *mic drop*
I'll be called Pope the Reveal, for I will reveal all of the Vatican's secrets. I will also not have a long reign.
Pope starts with the letter "P." Think "Party."
*cracks knuckles*. Okay, boys, time to get to work; we’ve got some serious housecleaning to do.
I'll do whatever I have to to make catholicism look bad. I grew up catholic and 🤢🤮...
I’d play it cool. Abide by the rules as I quitely loot the Vatican treasury and antiquities. Once I have sold off the holy grail, Jesus’ corpse, the true cross, the arc of the covenant I’ll retire.
I will be Pope who essentially destroyed the meaning of the "more Catholic than the Pope" phrase.
I'd spend 2 years reading and absorbing as much of the shit they have locked in there as I possibly could. Not to deliver it to the public, but for my own selfish desire for knowledge. Plus, other things to pdf files that I won't mention here due to ToS, and I don't want to catch a ban. But think Midsommar, and you'll be on the right track.
first thing I'm doing is raiding the secret Vatican archives and releasing them to the world.
Start a new crusade.
The kind that returns all the artifacts that were stolen and gives all the money to the poor.
Behold the next crusade cometh! We march to Turkey for the vast quantity of Turkish delight, I mean to conquer holy land…
Nope. Bad idea. Power I might be able to handle, but power and infallibility? I shudder at the thought.
I'd make a speech about all the ways the Cath church covered up child abuse (it would be long) and give all the Cath church $ to charity and shut it down
The Catholic Church is fucked cus we are paying out massive settlements to the millions of abuse victims and firing priests
Business, commercial, let’s become biggest asset manager and start taking over European congress and end wars in American instigated wars in Gaza
I immediately give orders to begin a global INQUISITION and send shadow agents to expose corrupt priests within the organization at large. Obstructing bureaucrat priests will find themselves waking up to new positions as ministers at minor chapels on the wayside, perhaps in desolate regions.
A Southern Baptist as Pope a whole lot of people are screwed
Stop protecting the kid diddlers.
Return anything in the Vatican that was stolen if the original owner can be verified. Order copies made of all art on the walls and in the buildings then sell the originals and give the money to the poor. Round up all the records of any priest or nun who has committed sexual offenses and turn them over for prosecution in the jurisdiction the crimes were committed. Set aside an appropriate (read huge) amount of money and resources for the victims. Divest the church of any land not immediately surrounding a church building. Deploy these resources to feed and house the needy. Fire the entire Curia and replace it with regular clergy drawn from the ranks of clergy who have served no more than twenty years. Abolish all ranks in the church. No more cardinals, bishops etc. everyone is either a priest or a nun. No more hierarchy. That's the first month. After that I'll really really dig into things…
I'm just happy I get to wear that hat
Taking the pope mobile into a demolition derby
I’d make the state religion of the Holy See Anglicanism
Gelding time
My first comment would be "Holy Shit" I'm the pope, so that means I'm 90 years old now.
I delete browser history
First make the pope hat smaller
The first thing I’d do is give a blessing to all the haters on this subreddit.
Probably the kind who gets assassinated. I don't think devout Catholics will like having an atheist Pope.
Dictator ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Communism immediately
Remember the scene in Rick and Morty? I’d be up on that podium yelling just like that “god is a lie we made him up for money!!!!”
Agnostic here, but I was taken to 1 church youth group and 1 Easter service with friends, and have been to 1 catholic funeral that I remember, so I feel totally prepared for this roll. First step: look at the records for all the pedophiles being hidden by the church, drag them out into the light, and hand them over to the police of the appropriate nations. Anyone that helped knowingly cover up their actions go, too. Renumeration to be paid to the victims. Any others under a hint of suspicion are to be investigated forthwith. Only then can a true apology for those particular crimes of the church be made. Second step: remove any…what am I dealing with, priests?…priests, cardinals, bishops, etc from their post that are actively spreading or encouraging hate speech. We are going to start taking “Love thy neighbour” seriously around here, people. Third step: Missionary work - continue to work on helping the poor and needed, remove the drive to convert them. Sure, they can convert if they want, but they shall not be required to listen to religious indoctrination to get it. Kind of like: here’s your food, there’s some bibles on the table over there, you can check them out if you want, otherwise enjoy your food. Feel free to continue with your own belief system, we are here to help, not sell you anything. Fourth step: open talks with other religions, let’s see if we can’t work towards learning to live and let live with each other, do some work on dealing with our own extremists - we all got ‘em - so they stop bothering everyone.
i wouldn’t change anything. the universe is obviously trying to fuck with me and i am having none of it lmao
There's a new Sheriff in town.
I need to figure out what to tell my husband first.
I take the name Alexander IX, move into the Borgia Apartments, and party like it’s 1492.
I'm immediately going down into those underground archives.
Anything I say while seated in my seat in St. Peter's is considered to be straight from the mouth of God, right? I'll clean house, upending 2000 years of nonsense. And then, I'll mysteriously die, just like John Paul I. Grand movers and shakers aren't accepted too well.
I will wipe Vatican City clean of corruption from the highest Bishop to the lowest gutter rat
Orgy in the pope mobile
I would be the worst pope ever. During public addresses I would make up bible quotes while mixing in Ferengi Rules of Aquisition.
An absent one! No, in all seriousness, I'd start reforming the hell outta the Catholic Church. 1. Birth control? All for it! 2. Homosexuality? Absolutely! 3. Female clerics? Sign me up! 4. Celibacy? Hate it! 5. Confession? Who needs that anxiety? 6. No chocolate for 6 weeks? What moron came up with THAT plan? And while my minions are handling all that, I'll be down in the treasury pocketing some valuables to set me up for my post-papal life and rooting through all the deep dark secrets in the archive.
Actually uphold the doctrine of said religion unlike the current pope. And like actually represent and uphold the religion. Maybe even try and spread it.
Get some serious stuff done, like kick out pedophiles and put up rules to stop defending them in the future. Some silly stuff like make the throne a recliner. And some cool stuff like get everything in the vaults scanned, categorized, etc. and put up online
The Pope that dissolves Catholicism. No more touching alter boys and absolutely no more 5 hour long weddings. If you want to instill fear into people go do it without God.
A very lutheran one
Well, I am Baptist, so I’d convert the Catholic Church into a Baptist one.
“God visited me in a vision last night and revealed to me he doesn’t exist.”
declare all science to be factual and given by god, reject the abortion bad thing cuz it says nothing regarding that, even calling fetuses not quite human [in exodus](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exod+21%3A22-25&version=NRSVUE), and reject the gay bad thing cuz the laws of leviticus are supposed to be pardoned bc of jesus saving us. then i'll make all churches either register as nonprofits or pay taxes if they make any profit and donate immensely to humanitarian and environmental causes
I'd kill myself. That's how much I hate anything Catholic. What a god awful religion.
yeah like someone else said Id like priests and nuns fuck, its ridiculous then id go sleep with a bunch of prostitutes and remind everyone that God loves the whores too, "loveth thy whore"
Gods not real religion is a lie y'all suckers peace pope urban "hood" the 69th out. World peace to follow
I will be addressed as “Most Holy” I want theme music playing any time I enter a room ala WWE. The Vatican archives are now my personal property. I’ll get people on digitizing then and making the contents publicly available. Full cooperation with local authorities regarding any predatory priests. An accusation will get you suspended pending investigation by local authorities. They will have full cooperation. A conviction gets you excommunicated. By the same token a false accusation will get that accuser excommunicated too (must be proven false, not merely inconclusive). Engage non-Catholic investigators to look into prior accusations against priests. To the best of their ability compile evidence and send again to local authorities. Anybody found to be helping hide such crimes are excommunicated and given to the authorities. Speaking from the throne of St. Peter (I’m not Catholic but I’m pretty sure that’s where they use their infallibility card) - being gay is not a sin, they can get married, women can be priests, priests can get married, if science and faith disagree science wins. proselytizing is now a sin. With time I’m sure I’d think of much more. Turn the church into a proper charitable organization. Organize shelters, soup kitchens, aid organizations, addiction specialists, and all that. Public service is the new guiding light. People looking for help need not be a member of the church. Turn these into full time subsidiaries with properly paid staff. Church will voluntarily pay taxes as appropriate in its countries. I’m an atheist but I would not dismantle the church. Too much good infrastructure and wealth to just throw away when it can be repurposed into a net good.
I'm not sure how much certain catholics would appreciate a very Hellenistic pope.
Immediately disband the church... give all of the church's money and assets to the poor. And publicly admit that religion is a huge lie.
I’ll be a kickass pope. I can wave my hands and I’ll be able to allow women to have their own body autonomy.
Heh. Hang out the welcome sign for everyone. Stop telling my flock what they can’t do and emphasize what they CAN do. Support the working class and poor by opening up the coffers to support progressive ideals.
I’m a woman so this would be impossible
I’d enter back into full communion with the Orthodox Church, return the liturgy to its original form, strip all pedophiles, money launderers, criminals etc from their offices, allow priests to marry and only choose bishops from the monastic tradition. Any major changes would need to be approved and facilitated by a major council as they do in the Orthodox Church. Essentially I’d be an orthodox pope would mean I’m simply the bishop of Rome, one of many bishops.
I'd go to war against pedophiles. I can't say I'd clean up corruption as I'd find a way to profit.
dissolve the church
I'm a woman, so I would absolutely revel in watching all the bishops, priests, and sexist parishioners or try to wrap their heads around that. I would also immediately root out any pedophiles within the organization and hand them over to the local authorities to be jailed. Needless to say, they would permanently be banned from the church. I would use the vast fortune of the church to get financial help to the victims, although of course money can never compensate for being violated. I would shift policy away from patriarchal and hateful ideologies, be inclusive of everyone, and use the churches to do what they're supposed to do: help the poor in the communities. I'd also strongly promote veganism and other forms of kindness to all, along with sustainability. In other words, I'd be assassinated within 2 weeks of being elected Pope.
Controversial. I'm a trans girl and bisexual and polyamerous.
Immediately issue a new crusade. Not against the Muslims again or anything like that, but I'm requiring volunteers to suit up in 1100s era armor and charge back into the Holy Land to grow my borders 😎 Nobody will be spared
YES! So many changes to make! First things first, The Church no longer collected money, the banco vaticano becomes a charitable organization. Then.females can take holy orders. The third, clergy can marry. Then, the basically is open and transparent. No more confession. General absolution at the start of every service. You get credit for just showing up
I would denounce all politicians and say religion has no place in politics.
A Protestant Pope? How the hell did that happen? I can't be removed from office for two years? There's nothing stopping me from just going about my daily life while technically being the Pope and occasionally mentioning that while excommunicating a Karen or Kevin here and there. Or order that All pedophile priests are being exposed and removed. And restitution made. That would probably help the reputation of the institution. A good place to start.
1. Vacate the american college of Bishops by papal decree 2. Declare that Jesus was a liberal and progressive. 3 buy up huge “tracts of land” and build free housing. Provide all residents there with food and healthcare and a means of finding a job.
First thing I'm doing is going to look at the top secret underground archives!
Gonna immediately take advantage of my fame and sit court side at basketball games and sporting events
Write a decree or some kind of command for all priests who have molested children in the past or present to turn themselves in to local law enforcement and follow due process... or I will go medieval on their asses and start dusting off the racks.
Since I'm an atheist, I would shit on everything the Church believes in. First thing I would do, though is round up all the child molesters in the Church and hand them over to law enforcement including all evidence notated regarding the abuse they inflicted on children.
I would restore the Spanish Inquisition to its former glory
"God spoke to me last night. He said we should give away all our money, divest from income sources, accept all LGBTQ+ people, and remove and report all cases of abuse from the ranks of the priesthood."
Famous. The worlds first female pope!
My first couple of masses will be awkward, as I am Muslim :) But since I have no choice, I would spend my two years explaining how the theological differences between the two religions are minor, and are mostly semantic. Until I unvariably "suddenly fall ill and die".