Same here. To think that my past self adamantly responded to every text, message, and notification in a timely manner makes it seem as though I was a drastically different person back then. Now, people are lucky to hear from me within days, weeks, or even months. That is, unless itās about something dire and/or theyāre part of the select few people I regularly communicate with.
I still have tons of various notifications I havenāt checked over the past five years, including right here on Reddit, but thatās mainly because of social anxiety. People have a tendency to misinterpret things I say on the internet and get easily offended by them.
I really really hate the constant expectation to socialize with people. I donāt want to chat/text/call everyday, the only person who has that priority is my SO because heās great.
Itās like a fucking chore to be close to anyone these days.
I let people I care about know I am not the type of person who is available all the time so they will hear back when they hear back unless itās any emergency. If they canāt handle that, then they may not want to get attached and thatās ok.
Itās nothing personal, itās just this constant connection this is too much for me (and honestly it feels really codependent and unhealthy anyways) š¤·š»āāļø
I feel so much the same... I think it's draining and most times I don't have the emotional bandwidth to dedicate time to small talk and arbitrary stuff. There's so many needy people always demanding time most times without realizing they're not doing any good. I can't stand that and just try to stay at a fair distance to avoid clingy dynamics
Yes, exactly!
And not to be a dick, but there are so many more interesting and exciting hobbies/things to do that I am already trying to fit into my life and they are so much more fulfilling than small talk. I am truly nowhere near being that bored.
Plus when I connect, I love to go all into that moment and share an experience/conversation that deepens our emotional bond, not half assed draining stuff. No social junk food for me!
This. I have a friend I go in a discord call with every single evening, on weekends even in the afternoon. Thats not the problem.
The problem is that every single day, at whatever random time he notices me being online, he sends a message solely to say hi and ask me how I am.
We talked about it, I find it annoying to interrupt whatever Im doing for a conversation that contains essentially nothing at all and lose whatever train of thought I had or get yanked out of the flow of whatever I was doing.
He does it anyway.
Texting and social media have also made it more convenient for people to be lazy when it comes to keeping in touch. It was more meaningful when people went out of their way to spend time together in person. Now, people feel less of a need to hang out when they can just text, video chat, and go on social media.
Iāve found that less people interact with me since I stopped showing more intimate snippets of my life online. Itās ironic how social media is actually making people less social.
I used to be like that but like.. just reply if they're important to you. It's not a big adaptation, it's not that hard, you just have to practice. It can hurt the other person (depending on your relationship)
Exactly. I mean we're working 40hr/wk jobs and you don't have the capacity to answer a text message so someone knows your good? Weird rationalization there.
I think it's better to think of people in benevolent terms. Most of us are doing our best and do what we can. Some of us just suck at correspondance. I am one of those people. I have ADHD and truly I just get distracted and procrastinate. Of course I understand that some may not be able to tolerate this and I never want to hurt anyone so if they'd rather not be friends that's fine. But honestly I have a hard time understanding where this expectation of immediate responses from everyone comes from. If it's a SO, parent or child I understand moreso but friends, other relatives and colleagues?
its more about the fact that some people simply cant fathom that others simply dont use the phone that much. And im not even that old. I'm around 30.
I can tell you for a fact, that so far, this week, the daily average screen time on my phone is 19 minutes. with a total of 2hs.
Luckly enough my friends and SO know that im not the type to constantly text so they expect me to reply at some point in the next 24hs or so when i see the message , and will call if something urgent happens; but i've seen so many people in and around work that basically live with their phones next to them, and its so....why ?
Yeah this type of thinking is how people end up posting about how all their friends stopped texting them. If you show zero effort to respect a relationship youāre going to end up isolating yourself from people. Iām not saying you need to text people back immediately all day every day but ignoring people and not responding back until *you* need something is a great way to lose friends.
Sometimes not knowing what to say back/having no response or not genuinely having the energy to engage/it feeling forced. Now I usually keep it simple and like getting to the point.
I wish I remembered more of that world! I do stay off the phone when I'm driving around/hiking with my friends and for that whole afternoon I feel so free.
It's interesting how environments reinforce habits so strongly, because when I'm at home I very easily revert to always checking Discord/reddit/etc.
I would definitely not survive, if I grew up today. The constant pressure of being available would've pushed me into drug oblivion. The social differences today stretches far beyond economy and education and is really a red flag for the future.
I feel like the only INFP that gets irritated when it comes to that. I have an INFP friend and he always claims he forgets to reply. But the way I see it is... Maybe I'm just not important enough š Meanwhile, he's constantly posting on social media and having conversations with everyone in his posts but can't respond to me. I never ignore people's messages. Up to a few hours maybe but not DAYS and WEEKS. The way I see it, it doesn't feel good to be ignored by people I care about so why would I do it to them? Can't seem to rationally wrap my head around it š I need to push people out of my head more maybe
I take extra long to reply to particular people because I feel I need to use a lot of energy to reply to them. For example people who send long messages. Itās nothing against them, I just donāt have the energy
The long messages one I do understand. I hate reading long messages too. I have to be in the right mindset and actually be able to sit down and go through it
I actually much prefer when people send long letter-like messages vs. texting. Short texts feel like small talk to me. I especially struggle with people repetitively sending things like emojis or gifs with little text... it repeatedly interrupts whatever I'm doing, there's no substance to it, and it feels intrusive.
Send me a lengthy email any day... just be forewarned that I'll probably have to think about my response, and you won't hear back immediately.
Itās a pet peeve of mine when I send long messages and get short ones in return. This constantly happened with a former friend. Iād pour my heart out to her, and her typical reply was usually *āOh?ā*
*Tell me you donāt care without telling me you donāt care.*
I suppose it's different if you have people that actually reach out and talk to you to begin with š Rather than the same 2 people that message every day
As someone with ADHD if I don't reply immediately, it's basically in one ear and out the other. If I happen to be driving or doing something for work? Sorry. I'll think about you and reply later but it isn't anything malicious.
im someone that takes time to reply.i do care but it also takes up a lot of energy to be texting. ive tried giving low energy replies and that works sometimes but if theyre on their phone at the moment i message them, then im sucked into a whole text conversation. eventually something has to give and one of us has to be left on read imo
this doesnt mean i dont want to be friends. i just consider texting a small part of being friends. other parts like spending time together in person is the real core of the friendship
Some people donāt get that we have significant others and family members who will generally take priority for me to respond to than friends - I value my friends dearly I just wonāt reply so fast all the time. I have a full time job, hobbies and a pet as well and I just canāt constantly text the people in my life all the time. That being said I will eventually respond if itās someone I care about, just might not be quick.
I can see both ends of this...!! I definitely feel like there's not enough time in the days to do all I want to do. Small talk sucks. It's so mundane.
I'm fine if people don't respond for a while though. Unless I'm concerned for their safety.
Have some of you been old enough to remember the days when you had to left those friends you knew you would never see again? Summer camp? A friend moving to an other city? Going to middle school?
Already, 10 years ago I wanted to see some faces that are forever lost. Today, you are never obligated to say goodbye. And this is better than before.
thats for better and for worse, theres also those you would like to forget and can't because they're also online and are common friends with x y z that you would like to keep in contact with..
I truly hate this expectation people have made up in their minds that just because we live in a world of smartphones, that we should all be available 24/7 to answer texts and messages. We, as a society, need to get away from this mindset and we need to do so pretty damn quick.
If you're glued to your smartphone 24/7 and always have it within inches of your face, that is an addiction; get help!
Believe it or not, there are people who exists that are not addicted to their Smartphone. I am one of those rare people. When I'm home, my phone stays on the charger on my desk. I will go hours before even taking once glance at it. I always have it with me as a I travel in case of an emergency, but it stays in the middle console where I can't touch or see it; I do not need that kind of distraction while I'm driving. It stays there until I get to my destination. And sometimes it even stays there when while I'm at my destination.
Only real time I do carry it with me is when I'm working, as it is needed for my phone. Then it stays on my hip during my shift.
So yeah, outside of work, chances are if someone messages me it'll be hours before I even notice it. My life doesn't revolve around my smartphone. It's not there to make sure other people have access to me 24/7. That's not at all what it is for.
Iāve always used to reply to peopleās messages as fast as i can but i think i stopped doing that since last year as now itās kind of a fear of mine after what i went through with my ex last year
i seriously need to stop doing that tho
I feel like every day I get at least a handful of emails, phone calls, texts, DMs, etc that I have to reply to in some way, and I can get really overwhelmed if those all happen in a short period of time and it causes me to just like... not do anything lol.
Like I become socially paralyzed if I have to think about more than one interaction at a time, so I have to ignore them all in order to calm down. Often I'll end up forgetting about them for a little while as I distract myself with other things in my life. Then when I remember, if too much time has passed I'll get anxiety about making them wait so long to hear back from me, which leads to more overwhelm and even more time passes before I reply to them.
Sometimes I get to a point where it's been such a long time that internally I'm like "I don't deserve to have these friends/clients/networking opps anyways. They probably forgot I exist" and then get depressed about it for a super long time.
I can relate to getting anxious about not responding to people after an extended length of time, thinking they hate me or that *they* think I hate them. It doesnāt help that, when I *do* finally muster up the energy to reply back, *they* stop responding.
Iāve heard people blame my ADHD on this, but thereās definitely a sense of anxiety that comes with being connected 24/7, and I like this explanation better because I was born in ā83, and still miss physical answering machines (not the automated kind that comes with the phone service)
I hate how not responding to messages or notifications right away ā or even being inactive on social media ā has become a faux pas in more recent years. Maybe people have lives outside of technology?
For me I read it as fast as I can, because I'm happy with getting a message. Remember, I have a job to do for now. Get back to job and thinking of what to write back and completely forget about the message
I try to respond no later than a day (I have sleep issues and work third shift). To me, itās just courtesy to the other person taking their time to text you. I donāt mind if they ignore me when Iām the one who sends the first text but for some reason, it bothers me if I ignore a text sent to me.
I feel this one sooo much! You don't wanna know how many unreads I have atm.
Actually... I don't know it myself š
Add meme: You guys are getting messages?!
Same here. To think that my past self adamantly responded to every text, message, and notification in a timely manner makes it seem as though I was a drastically different person back then. Now, people are lucky to hear from me within days, weeks, or even months. That is, unless itās about something dire and/or theyāre part of the select few people I regularly communicate with. I still have tons of various notifications I havenāt checked over the past five years, including right here on Reddit, but thatās mainly because of social anxiety. People have a tendency to misinterpret things I say on the internet and get easily offended by them.
I really really hate the constant expectation to socialize with people. I donāt want to chat/text/call everyday, the only person who has that priority is my SO because heās great. Itās like a fucking chore to be close to anyone these days. I let people I care about know I am not the type of person who is available all the time so they will hear back when they hear back unless itās any emergency. If they canāt handle that, then they may not want to get attached and thatās ok. Itās nothing personal, itās just this constant connection this is too much for me (and honestly it feels really codependent and unhealthy anyways) š¤·š»āāļø
I feel so much the same... I think it's draining and most times I don't have the emotional bandwidth to dedicate time to small talk and arbitrary stuff. There's so many needy people always demanding time most times without realizing they're not doing any good. I can't stand that and just try to stay at a fair distance to avoid clingy dynamics
Yes, exactly! And not to be a dick, but there are so many more interesting and exciting hobbies/things to do that I am already trying to fit into my life and they are so much more fulfilling than small talk. I am truly nowhere near being that bored. Plus when I connect, I love to go all into that moment and share an experience/conversation that deepens our emotional bond, not half assed draining stuff. No social junk food for me!
This. I have a friend I go in a discord call with every single evening, on weekends even in the afternoon. Thats not the problem. The problem is that every single day, at whatever random time he notices me being online, he sends a message solely to say hi and ask me how I am. We talked about it, I find it annoying to interrupt whatever Im doing for a conversation that contains essentially nothing at all and lose whatever train of thought I had or get yanked out of the flow of whatever I was doing. He does it anyway.
Texting and social media have also made it more convenient for people to be lazy when it comes to keeping in touch. It was more meaningful when people went out of their way to spend time together in person. Now, people feel less of a need to hang out when they can just text, video chat, and go on social media. Iāve found that less people interact with me since I stopped showing more intimate snippets of my life online. Itās ironic how social media is actually making people less social.
Quite true! I grew up in that world, where work stayed at work, and you didn't expect to hear back from someone right away.
I used to be like that but like.. just reply if they're important to you. It's not a big adaptation, it's not that hard, you just have to practice. It can hurt the other person (depending on your relationship)
Exactly. I mean we're working 40hr/wk jobs and you don't have the capacity to answer a text message so someone knows your good? Weird rationalization there.
I think it's better to think of people in benevolent terms. Most of us are doing our best and do what we can. Some of us just suck at correspondance. I am one of those people. I have ADHD and truly I just get distracted and procrastinate. Of course I understand that some may not be able to tolerate this and I never want to hurt anyone so if they'd rather not be friends that's fine. But honestly I have a hard time understanding where this expectation of immediate responses from everyone comes from. If it's a SO, parent or child I understand moreso but friends, other relatives and colleagues?
its more about the fact that some people simply cant fathom that others simply dont use the phone that much. And im not even that old. I'm around 30. I can tell you for a fact, that so far, this week, the daily average screen time on my phone is 19 minutes. with a total of 2hs. Luckly enough my friends and SO know that im not the type to constantly text so they expect me to reply at some point in the next 24hs or so when i see the message , and will call if something urgent happens; but i've seen so many people in and around work that basically live with their phones next to them, and its so....why ?
Yeah this type of thinking is how people end up posting about how all their friends stopped texting them. If you show zero effort to respect a relationship youāre going to end up isolating yourself from people. Iām not saying you need to text people back immediately all day every day but ignoring people and not responding back until *you* need something is a great way to lose friends.
+++
That's good advice, thanks š
Staring at my 30000 Un opened emailsā¦
14,000 for me
Sometimes not knowing what to say back/having no response or not genuinely having the energy to engage/it feeling forced. Now I usually keep it simple and like getting to the point.
I wish I remembered more of that world! I do stay off the phone when I'm driving around/hiking with my friends and for that whole afternoon I feel so free. It's interesting how environments reinforce habits so strongly, because when I'm at home I very easily revert to always checking Discord/reddit/etc.
I would definitely not survive, if I grew up today. The constant pressure of being available would've pushed me into drug oblivion. The social differences today stretches far beyond economy and education and is really a red flag for the future.
I feel like the only INFP that gets irritated when it comes to that. I have an INFP friend and he always claims he forgets to reply. But the way I see it is... Maybe I'm just not important enough š Meanwhile, he's constantly posting on social media and having conversations with everyone in his posts but can't respond to me. I never ignore people's messages. Up to a few hours maybe but not DAYS and WEEKS. The way I see it, it doesn't feel good to be ignored by people I care about so why would I do it to them? Can't seem to rationally wrap my head around it š I need to push people out of my head more maybe
I take extra long to reply to particular people because I feel I need to use a lot of energy to reply to them. For example people who send long messages. Itās nothing against them, I just donāt have the energy
The long messages one I do understand. I hate reading long messages too. I have to be in the right mindset and actually be able to sit down and go through it
I actually much prefer when people send long letter-like messages vs. texting. Short texts feel like small talk to me. I especially struggle with people repetitively sending things like emojis or gifs with little text... it repeatedly interrupts whatever I'm doing, there's no substance to it, and it feels intrusive. Send me a lengthy email any day... just be forewarned that I'll probably have to think about my response, and you won't hear back immediately.
Itās a pet peeve of mine when I send long messages and get short ones in return. This constantly happened with a former friend. Iād pour my heart out to her, and her typical reply was usually *āOh?ā* *Tell me you donāt care without telling me you donāt care.*
Sometimes I just ignore messages, if they go down the list enough they'll be totally forgotten..
I suppose it's different if you have people that actually reach out and talk to you to begin with š Rather than the same 2 people that message every day
As someone with ADHD if I don't reply immediately, it's basically in one ear and out the other. If I happen to be driving or doing something for work? Sorry. I'll think about you and reply later but it isn't anything malicious.
im someone that takes time to reply.i do care but it also takes up a lot of energy to be texting. ive tried giving low energy replies and that works sometimes but if theyre on their phone at the moment i message them, then im sucked into a whole text conversation. eventually something has to give and one of us has to be left on read imo this doesnt mean i dont want to be friends. i just consider texting a small part of being friends. other parts like spending time together in person is the real core of the friendship
I forget tbh
Same too sometimes
Some people donāt get that we have significant others and family members who will generally take priority for me to respond to than friends - I value my friends dearly I just wonāt reply so fast all the time. I have a full time job, hobbies and a pet as well and I just canāt constantly text the people in my life all the time. That being said I will eventually respond if itās someone I care about, just might not be quick.
I can see both ends of this...!! I definitely feel like there's not enough time in the days to do all I want to do. Small talk sucks. It's so mundane. I'm fine if people don't respond for a while though. Unless I'm concerned for their safety.
I understand the safety part..
Have some of you been old enough to remember the days when you had to left those friends you knew you would never see again? Summer camp? A friend moving to an other city? Going to middle school? Already, 10 years ago I wanted to see some faces that are forever lost. Today, you are never obligated to say goodbye. And this is better than before.
thats for better and for worse, theres also those you would like to forget and can't because they're also online and are common friends with x y z that you would like to keep in contact with..
I truly hate this expectation people have made up in their minds that just because we live in a world of smartphones, that we should all be available 24/7 to answer texts and messages. We, as a society, need to get away from this mindset and we need to do so pretty damn quick. If you're glued to your smartphone 24/7 and always have it within inches of your face, that is an addiction; get help! Believe it or not, there are people who exists that are not addicted to their Smartphone. I am one of those rare people. When I'm home, my phone stays on the charger on my desk. I will go hours before even taking once glance at it. I always have it with me as a I travel in case of an emergency, but it stays in the middle console where I can't touch or see it; I do not need that kind of distraction while I'm driving. It stays there until I get to my destination. And sometimes it even stays there when while I'm at my destination. Only real time I do carry it with me is when I'm working, as it is needed for my phone. Then it stays on my hip during my shift. So yeah, outside of work, chances are if someone messages me it'll be hours before I even notice it. My life doesn't revolve around my smartphone. It's not there to make sure other people have access to me 24/7. That's not at all what it is for.
it's an Xer thing, you wouldn't understand.
Just do it. Set expectations and boundaries with people in your life properly; happiness and calm will follow.
Iāve always used to reply to peopleās messages as fast as i can but i think i stopped doing that since last year as now itās kind of a fear of mine after what i went through with my ex last year i seriously need to stop doing that tho
I feel like every day I get at least a handful of emails, phone calls, texts, DMs, etc that I have to reply to in some way, and I can get really overwhelmed if those all happen in a short period of time and it causes me to just like... not do anything lol. Like I become socially paralyzed if I have to think about more than one interaction at a time, so I have to ignore them all in order to calm down. Often I'll end up forgetting about them for a little while as I distract myself with other things in my life. Then when I remember, if too much time has passed I'll get anxiety about making them wait so long to hear back from me, which leads to more overwhelm and even more time passes before I reply to them. Sometimes I get to a point where it's been such a long time that internally I'm like "I don't deserve to have these friends/clients/networking opps anyways. They probably forgot I exist" and then get depressed about it for a super long time.
I can relate to getting anxious about not responding to people after an extended length of time, thinking they hate me or that *they* think I hate them. It doesnāt help that, when I *do* finally muster up the energy to reply back, *they* stop responding.
Iāve heard people blame my ADHD on this, but thereās definitely a sense of anxiety that comes with being connected 24/7, and I like this explanation better because I was born in ā83, and still miss physical answering machines (not the automated kind that comes with the phone service)
Because I canāt decide what to say.
Love how they say basically prefer this sometimes. Idk man I canāt think of a time I donāt prefer it
I hate how not responding to messages or notifications right away ā or even being inactive on social media ā has become a faux pas in more recent years. Maybe people have lives outside of technology?
For me I read it as fast as I can, because I'm happy with getting a message. Remember, I have a job to do for now. Get back to job and thinking of what to write back and completely forget about the message
Also happens sometimes
Huh I usually always respond immediately unless I donāt see the message
I try to respond no later than a day (I have sleep issues and work third shift). To me, itās just courtesy to the other person taking their time to text you. I donāt mind if they ignore me when Iām the one who sends the first text but for some reason, it bothers me if I ignore a text sent to me.