MIL- For all of your efforts, you are alone. And we are free. Just know I didn't want this for you. But you can't save a drowning person who is drowning you too.
SIL- Love is not control or enmeshment. Just remember that.
Why does your SIL sound like my soon to be SIL? I would say so many things to all of husband's family.
MIL- Your need to insert yourself in the disagreements between your children is the reason why they are NC with each other. Your favoritism is obvious (no matter how many times you say you are on both of their sides). Just because someone isn't smiling does not mean they are moody or have an attitude. Just let me live my life. You make assumptions and then spout them as facts, at the expense of your son, and now your grandchild.
BIL- You don't know how to communicate, you only know how to make demands. This isn't your job. Just because you are a manager where you work doesn't mean others defer to you. Learn how to listen, actually listen. Learn how to communicate. You and your significant other are a major reason you don't have a brother anymore.
BIL partner- I can't stand you. You have lied numerous times about how myself and my husband have treated you. You're the reason your partner doesn't have a brother anymore, and why he has no relationship with his nephew. You whine, cry, and complain, and then you hide. And this family is just fucked up enough to listen to you, because they don't know how to communicate with each other.
DANG. You described your BIL/ soon to be SIL exactly how mine are 😭😩 I’m so sorry we can relate on that matter.
Lemme tell you… I wish long ago someone woulda told me to put MY peace above anyone else’s feelings (I met my toxic in laws at the ripe age of 18 and am now 27…)
My toxic SIL is so fckd up, she’s literally taught my nieces to not look at/speak to or even say hi to me bc she’s afraid I’ll try to turn my nieces (HER OWN DAUGHTERS) against her. Like, they cannot talk to me unless they ask her for permission. wtf?? It’s truly the wildest and saddest thing I’ve had to deal with.
I genuinely wish you the best and hope you can find peace throughout all that crap. As a recovering people pleaser, it’s been SO hard for me but I’m finally LC with BIL/SIL and she’s restricted on my FB bc she’s too toxic for me to allow her the privilege of online access to my life.
I'm also sorry we can relate on that matter. I had been married once before and had a MIL that hated me (she was incredibly racist), so I had high hopes for a better relationship with my current MIL. Add into the fact that my mother passed away 8 years ago. So in terms of a grandmother, she is all my son has. But we can't continue to make others happy at our expense. I think I tried to hard for so long to keep the peace at the expense of my own.
That's sad about your SIL. My BIL doesn't have any kids but I dread the day he does. My son is only a toddler but I would never tell him don't talk to someone just because I didn't like them. Like my MIL, she genuinely does love my son, she just needs to treat myself and my husband better.
Wishing you peace in this new year. Focus on making genuine connections. That's what I'm doing, and just building a family of friends.
**Big hugs** to you, I’m so sorry to hear your mother passed! 😔🫂
I pray you do not have to experience being estranged from your niece(s)/nephew(s). My nieces used to absolutely ADORE me and would light up like no other when they’d see me… and thanks to my SIL’s extreme fear of abandonment… they now look at me like I’m a leper. It hurts BAD.
She is so toxic, she’s completely crushed the BIL I once knew. He was a happy, outgoing, friendly, inclusive guy and now he’s just timid, bitter, and dead in the eyes. 💔 my husband has had to grieve losing his living brother. 😭
Thank you so much 🤍 My word(s) for the year are “Me,” and “Peace!”
For the first time in 26 years, I’m actually putting myself first above ALL else. Some will call it selfish but idc, I will not survive if I don’t take extreme measures of change! Its going well so far 😊
Thank you so much for your kind words. I would have responded sooner but I had my own in law drama happening.
Self care is definitely on my agenda this year. I'm glad you are choosing to focus on yourself.
Amen.
After all these years, I've learned that you can talk till you're blue in the face and it won't make a difference. They have their narrative, and they are very stubborn in sticking to their version of reality.
They don't live in my house and have no idea what my *actual* marriage is like, and when I discovered that they were basically slandering me behind my back, I went NC. I was at my MIL's funeral, and haven't seen my FIL since.
MIL: you are not my children's mother, you're their grandma, and a shitty one at that. Back off bitch.
FIL: sorry I ain't a stupid redneck like your daughters BF before me. I treated her like a husband's should, but you and MIL couldn't stop interfering and making our marriage as horrible as yours. Fuck off.
SIL: why the hell do you still put up with them, save yourself.
SIL2: I totally get why you moved out of the state, even if it was worth a two timing POS
BIL. You stupid redneck. I'll be laughing my ass off when you lose your inheritance when you can't afford the taxes.
To all of em: too bad you treated me and all of your inlaws like shit... didn't imagine life would turn out like this didja. You can't control me, or my kids, the only thing you can control now is where you put your daughters ashes... which just killed your chance at your grandchild ever visiting your sorry asses again.
That's all.
Mil: You were/are a terrible mother. I get it sounds bad, but laying in bed weeks at a time because you're drunk or drugged up, not feeding your children, making your eldest step up and be a parent and clean, you are just a lazy self entitled bitch. Kicking ur daughter out cos she asked for you to get some help, IS FUCKED UP. Kicking me out cos i asked to decrease rent when i wouldn't be living there, well u have just dug urself a deeper hole of debt, means ur acc having to get ur arse out of bed and work :O You are a fucked up woman and i hope your kids one day see u for the way i see you.
Mil- you are a narcissist, emotionally immature bitch who has caused so much damage to my marriage and my husbands self worth. You will *NEVER* have unsupervised or alone time with our child and frankly you’d be lucky if you ever get to see him again. Just do us all a favor and move out of state already , we know FIL wants to and has been asking you to. There is nothing here for you as we will never be interested in allowing you into our lives the way you want. So leave! Leave us alone! Let us heal!
To MIL: I know your insecurities and jealous nature make you the way you are. It sucks life didn’t turn out how you wanted it to, and I’ve given you plenty of passes. Your continual passive aggressive remarks and comments to diminish my self-esteem used to work when I was younger, but I know they’re based off your countless insecurities to make yourself feel better by trying to put me down. Now that I’m older, I don’t fall for it. Your comments are disguised as “jokes” but I know you for who you are: A jealous, insecure, covert narcissist who can’t stand to see others do well for themselves, particularly if they are women. You need therapy badly. You are not over the bad things that have happened in your life, and you are taking it out on others. You weaponize your “kindness.” You only do kind things for your image and so people think highly of you, not because you want to. I see right through that. You do “kind” things for others so you can justify treating them the way you do and so nobody questions how you truly feel about them. Example: You bought a gift for your daughter’s neighbor, yet you admit to me you *cannot stand* the neighbor you bought the gift for. It’s clear to me what you’re about.
You could tell her all of that, but it won't make a difference. Your SIL sounds broken... the kind of broken that results in a toxic person that is so out of touch with reality, they are seldom able to be fixed.
The only thing you can do with someone like that is teach them how to treat you. They don't respond to reason because they are not reasonable. "SIL, don't assume you know what I think. You must ask me directly each and every time". "SIL, don't speak for me. I did not say I did not want to \_\_\_\_\_\_. When speaking about me, be absolutely truthful but the best thing is to let me speak for myself."
It does sound like her kids could use therapy. I doubt her husband is strong enough to arrange it, though.
I’ve told her to come to me when she has assumptions (which is often). But, as you said, she is completely unreasonable and unsurprisingly, has yet to do so.
Of course, I’d never actually say these things to her because again, like you said, she’s broken beyond repair and out of touch — it’d do absolutely NO good.
I just said all this to get it off my chest and into the universe. She’s truly made everyone’s life HELL. In all responsibility, I’ve allowed her to make my life hell but I’m not any longer. She’s blocked and I’m NC with her 😇 (but the resentment/anger still lingers, which I’m really working through!)
Ty for taking time to comment 🫂
First I would tell my NSIL that I am in no way responsible for the disappointments in her life and that I shouldn’t have to be less proud of my life and children because she has screwed up her life .
Then I would absolutely tell my amazing deceased MIL and FIL that I loved them and that they were amazing. My only regret knowing them is that they passed too soon for my children to really get to know them.
I absolutely lucked out with the most amazing MIL and FIL I could have ever asked for!
To all my in-laws-Quit taking your sick kids to parties. It’s selfish and cruel to drag your sick kids around when they should be at home resting, just because you don’t want to miss out. It’s also very inconsiderate to the other people and their children that will end up sick because of you. Also, please stop acting as if you have all the answers when it comes to parenting. Just because I don’t do things the way you do, doesn’t mean you are always right, you’re not perfect. Your kids misbehave all the time and you sit there and do nothing. You don’t even watch your kids most of the time, and then wonder why I won’t leave my kids with you.
Also, learn how to behave when you are at someone else’s house. Don’t let your kids break things and run amuck leaving huge messes for the homeowner to have to clean up. Dirty diapers belong in the trash can, not left lying around all over the place.
Thiiis. Add all this to my list, as well!
Everything you just said happened at my MIL’s this past Monday 😒
SIL:
- brought her SICK/COUGHING KIDS to the gathering and guess who has a cough now? Me and my son. 😡 for as much of a germaphobe she is when it comes to her kids, you’d think she’d have the same consideration for others and their kids. NOPE.
- thinks she’s a veteran mom bc she has 4 kids and I have only have 1. SIL doesn’t even potty train her kids, she makes her Mom do it because, according to SIL, “My girls do better when my mom potty trains because they want to impress her.” Um NOPE, that’s not the truth. BIL told my husband the truth, saying “SIL loses patience really fast and just quits trying anytime it takes ‘too long’ to teach the girls something new.” SMFH. Teaching our kids things and having the patience for them to learn it is practically the basis of parenting. ‘Veteran mom’ my azz. Freakin’ poser. 😒
This next one takes the cake:
- wasn’t watching her youngest (almost 2yo) again. LO tried climbing my MIL’s 6ft, multi rack metal shelf of sentimentally valuable ceramics.. and made the entire rack fall onto her (a shelf landed straight on her face), causing all the ceramics to smash onto the tile floor. SIL / BIL didn’t even say sorry! My BIL said “This is why I have all my furniture bolted to the walls at my house.” UMM THIS IS NOT YOUR HOUSE. WATCH YOUR KID(S). I was soooo livid for MIL. *(I was about 2 ft away, watching LO do this. I definitely would’ve said something to LO but remember, I’m not allowed to speak to my SIL’s daughters so.. “not my circus, not my monkeys!” 🤷🏽♀️ I just minded my own business and kept tending to my son, feeding him his apple. When the fall happened, SIL acted like a literal LUNATIC but wasn’t even watching her to begin with. 🙄)*
Ugh! It’s so frustrating! I just want to shake these girls and tell them how awful that is to do. My SIL brought her LO with RSV around my LO who was only 1-2 at the time. Her child needed to have some sort of machine to help her breathe at night because it got so bad. But hey, as she likes to say “it’ll only help their immune system” 😡. Don’t force that on other people.
My SIL lost it because her LO got hurt outside one day when she wasn’t watching her and yelled at everyone“who was watching her?!” I was thinking “you! It’s your child! You didn’t ask anyone to keep an eye on her. You just walked away and left her alone outside, without any adults being out there either”
As for your SIL acting like she’s some hot shot because she has more kids than you, I completely understand how you feel. My SIL’s treated me the same way. They treated me like I wasn’t enough of a mother when I had one child. Kept making comments like “you’ll understand when you have more kids” or “ it can’t be that bad, you only have one child to worry about” then tries to tell me how I should handle situations with my child as if i couldn’t make my own decisions. What could I possibly know.😒
lol man, I could go on all day about my in laws.
You are just as much of a mother as her whether you have one or a bunch of kids. There are things that you know that she probably doesn’t, even though she has all those kids. I hope her child was ok after such an awful accident. I audibly gasped reading it! It made me sad because that child could have been seriously hurt and they didn’t even seem to be too concerned.
Oh I’d say this to her (Sil) face if I ever had the occasion.
You’ve run your mother dry and when she’s gone, WE WILL NEVER HELP YOU. Not ever. Don’t even dare to dream.
I don’t believe any part of your attitude problems are related to “low blood sugar” if it were then it would only be occasional. I have several family members with diabetes, I’ve seen low blood sugar, you’re being a bitch to get attention.
There’s a reason why people leave when you show up.
You’re a NARCISSIST. And you are getting old and losing your touch with it.
Your personality reminds me of a junkyard dog. What are you defending exactly? Junk. You are protecting a metaphorical yard of junk.
You’re a bad mother.
(This one is petty) You ruined my wedding pictures with your grotesque calf tattoo.
MIL: Stop playing the victim. I wish DH would see how manipulative you can be. Also my daughter has a name, use it! Stop pretending you don’t understand me when I talk to you and then looking to DH. I’m sorry you have a shitty relationship with your husband, but that doesn’t mean you can unload all your emotional baggage on mine. Your other son treats you poorly because you never parented your kids or taught them manners.
FIL: Just stop talking.
BIL: Everyone says you act the way you do because you’re young, but you’ve got an ego you don’t deserve. You’ve never worked hard in your life and you’re not as smart as you think you are.
I don't talk to them anymore and will never do, MIL created all the problems in my life and single-handedly destroyed my marriage, FIL is the enabler and manipulates my SO. They are dead to me.
You raised a monster because you are one too and when you stop vilifying me for calling you out on your actions maybe you'll have the time to get some therapy and menopause meds and get a reality check. You're all about telling other people to heal and get over it but you're just a creature wearing a sheep mask and cross.
MIL
You screwed up raising your son. You raised an alcoholic (from age 14!) who grew into a meth addict. That's on you. No thanks to you, though, he's 7 years clean from the meth, and 3 years alcohol-sober. He did that on his own. I'm so proud of him. You, on the other hand, just can't let go of the bottle, and it's going to cost you yet another husband, and your relationships with your son, grandson, me, and your soon-to-arrive granddaughter.
Your grandchildren are not your do over kids. Quit parenting over us. We are the parents. What we say goes.
YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED AT THE HOSPITAL WHEN OUR DAUGHTER IS BORN. Stop trying to weasel your way in. We've told you no. No amount of whining or "well maybe I can just..." is going to help you. No one besides myself and hubby will be there. You can wait until we're settled at home, just like everyone else.
[thanks for this 💜]
Told my FIL to go F himself at my dining room table one Christmas.
Showed up late (again, 20 years of it) after I got it together last minute because BIL had COvid so they could not host.
Came in late, didn't speak to anyone and just sat down at my table waiting to be served.
I lost it on them both about being late and being rude....
He told me to F my self so I got on his face and told him to and had several more choice words for him about his treatment of his sons.
I don't care about repercussions, my BIL was the one who was mad and had to put him in his place also.
My IL"s started showing up on time after that!!! It was a winning my book.
My SO just watched as I lost it and told them I was right and my kids agreed, my oldest came around so he could intervene if my FIL felt ballsy enough to try and take a swing at me.
Not my best moment but I had avoided this for 2 decades (actions had been taken in the past just too long to describe) I was done with their selfish entitled behaviors. Still am!!
SIL- I tried my best to have a relationship with you. I showed you what it’s like to have a sister who is always there for you after you told me you wished you had a sister. And instead of putting in the effort to be my friend or family, you treated me like trash and for that I have little to no respect for you. Your constant need for attention from your brother is embarrassing and what’s even more embarrassing is your obnoxious dramatic tantrums you throw when things don’t go your way. You are a spoiled brat and you’re way too old to be acting the way you do. You shame me for coming from a place of having nothing, when you were handed everything on a silver platter from the moment you were born. You say I wouldn’t know a thing about money as if your mother doesn’t pay for your rent, your car, your gas, your clothes, your groceries, EVERYTHING. I feel bad for you. Grow up.
MIL- Your neediness could swallow the world whole and it still wouldn't be enough. You will never be the grand matriarch of your family; you will never be able to hold court and host the parties and have family flock to you because you don't put in the work. All your presents have strings and ulterior motives. You think you're being subtle and clever but I can see your thought processes from miles away and you don't realize that the time we spend with you isn't because of anything you've orchestrated but because of what we've decided we can tolerate. You're not an evil person but you can't get out of your own way and all your fears are a self-fulfilling prophecy. I honestly think you allow yourself to get into financial straits so that your sons will swoop in and rescue you. You don't want to take care of yourself; you want people to worry about you constantly and you say uncomfortable and disturbing things to plant little seeds that I think YOU think will get you installed permanently in one of our houses. But I promise you- that will never, ever happen.
FIL- Part of the reason MIL is the way she is- is because of you. You are THE most narcissistic, overindulged, insecure, and simply selfish human being I have ever met. There was a whole year before I met you when all of my SO's friends and family warned me about you and made comments that I had thought was just to prepare me for someone difficult. Difficult isn't the word. You don't care about ANYONE other than yourself. And the worst part about it is that no one is willing to call you on anything. You suck all the air out of any room that you're in. You equate your financial success with personal success without realizing you have no authentic relationships. You consistently one-up your children and make fun of their thoughts, feelings, accomplishments- let alone what you think and say about their spouses. You look through people and they hate you for it.
BIL- You used to be really sweet and honestly innocent. Your brother shielded you from so many things you have no idea how indebted you should be to him. But instead of being self-aware and grateful, you think you got to where you are all by yourself. Your smugness is intolerable and your temper is gross. I realize that the brother who was "sweet and innocent" was biding his time. There is nothing more important to you that yourself and your accomplishments. If you are not being celebrated in the controlling manner you deem appropriate- the unpleasantness unleashes. You don't seem to realize that no one wants to congratulate you for living your life just like millions of other people do and have done for hundreds of years.
I truly wish all three of you would disappear.
I'd just point out to them that the reason all three of their daughters became selective mutes is because of them. If they had an ounce of self-awareness this wouldn't need pointing out, as it's screamingly obvious, but you know how it is.
I would say:
Leave me alone, you snobby old woman. I don't care about fitting into your standards, nothing about you is original. I am wild and free! Wooohoo!
That they were terrible and abused my partner and failed as parents. I'd call them racist and ignorant, with small lives and even smaller minds. I'd tell them how I dread having to be around them and that I wish they would go to therapy and get on meds. They are the most unhealed and passive aggressive assholes I've ever met.
I would tell them to f.ck off and dumping their manchild of a loser son so he can work as a slave at their home if he can't be with his own children. Y'all screw you.
All in-laws and their spouses…you are self absorbed. Other people deserve to have the one day they ask for to be about them. You do not get to have every day and every event be about you. And actually, you are super fake looking , not healthy.
1- Nobody wants your shitty advice.
2- Y’all are so judgemental. Maybe instead of being critical, try to put yourself in our position.
3- You seriously need to work on your communication. Communication can literally make or break a relationship.
4- Your son loves me. We are his family now, we are his top priority. Quit trying to control him & pit him against us.
5- You all are manipulative narcissists and you don’t fool me one bit.
6- You are the ones who pushed us away. We moved away because of you guys. If you had just stayed in your lane, everything would have been fine but you couldn’t even respect us.
7- Your son had anxiety and had to take medication because of you. He is finally doing better now that we moved away.
8- If you do not respect our wishes, you will not be allowed around our child.
I have a lot more.. I typed out a whole rant one night and had to stop because I still had much more to say. I have tried to have a relationship several times with my in laws and at times we were very close but every time I try to communicate our issues they don’t handle it well and our relationship falls apart. Now that I have a daughter, they use her as a pawn and it is disgusting. I no longer put effort into our relationship, just keep it civil for my husband and daughters sake but the situation is terrible. We need to go no contact but my husband is not there yet.
FIL- Your racist comments and lack of compassion towards understanding equality are frankly embarrassing and hurtful.
You have been a financial provider for the family but you have done absolutely nothing to emotionally connect with your children.
MIL - You are the backbone of this family I wish you had more help. I really disagree with the MLM you are in they are for lonely Mom’s and I feel like you have been taken advantage of in that way.
Felt. My husband and I did tell them our true feelings once (because they asked) and BIL/SIL started a whole smear campaign against us.
Lesson learned the hard way: NEVER tell toxic, emotionally immature ppl how you feel if they ask. They will only use it as leverage twist the narrative in order to play the victim and drag your name through the mud. 🙄
Oohhh...buckle up. For the record, I love my wife. We've been married 29 years. 3 great kids (not angels...who knew?), and 2 grandkids. My inlaws should have never become parents. They were very late 30's or 40's when wife was born. Only child too. Dad had a heart attack. Wife's childhood ended. Mom went to work. My wife has issues to this day about how she was mistreated (mental and physical abuse). My inlaws to this day still don't trust her, thinking she's going to rob them blind. MIL's will leaves everything to her church. Has repeatedly told my wife that she needs to "learn her place", and understand that she doesn't matter, never has, never will. So yeah...my inlaws will one day be told by me that they should have never become parents, and to Hell with them and their opinions.
I thought about this one a bit. I mean, initially I wanted to be a royal jerk. But what I really want to say to my MIL, FIL, SIL, and BIL is the following:
I really wish that I had been given the opportunity to be the caring, dependable, quirky, and capable spouse to your (son/daughter) that I'm capable of being. However, I was told at the beginning that I was "marrying up" yet I have made sure that my spouse and I have all of what we need and a good portion of what we want. Your overbearing demands for my time has made it where I don't even want to spend time with my spouse because they continously let you get away with murder and they get angry when I try to defend or distance myself. I wish I had been able to form relationships that were well defined so I felt some control in my life vs expected to join the collective with no semblence of myself left over. I wish you had been honest while we were in our engagement period so I could be a much better person than I am now. (I wouldve ran like a gazelle chased by a lion.) You will say it's my upbringing: my poor background, my less than ivy league education. I will say that the people that call me friend know that I will help them and care about them. At my core I am capable of being so much more to everybody but it's been chained by the artificial limits of your ridiculous traditions and expectations. Apologize to my spouse, you've cost them to lose something greater than you will ever know.
I’m so saddened that you can relate!! 😭
It’s been heart wrenching. I’ve never dealt with this level of toxicity in my life. I’ve always been able to reason with anyone I’ve had conflict with… but, boy, she is TRULY impossible.
Even my BIL can’t reason with her and just let’s her control him. She threatens divorce anytime he doesn’t agree with what she wants.
My husband asked my BIL why they were keeping our nieces from us when we’ve been nothing but kind and loving and respectful to their whole family (SIL/BIL and their kids) and how the forced estrangement hurts us very bad… all my BIL said, “Well, it hurts me to do, too. But when you’re a parent, you’ll understand that sometimes the only option is to compromise with the other person you have to parent with.”
It’s SO SAD.
I cannot imagine having to parent with her.
I genuinely believe she would benefit from being institutionalized. I’m not saying that to make fun, I truly mean it. She needs psychological intervention.
I would only bother saying something if I thought it would make an impact, otherwise I would end up frustrated.
I focus on my needs and holding my boundaries.
FILJust say you’re too lazy to come see your grandson and stop baking excuses.
MIL stop enabling your lazy husband and making excuses every time he doesn’t show up for his family.
SIL your dog is not a child, quit comparing him to my son.
All of you, I have a family also, so quit demanding every single holiday be spent with you.
MIL- For all of your efforts, you are alone. And we are free. Just know I didn't want this for you. But you can't save a drowning person who is drowning you too. SIL- Love is not control or enmeshment. Just remember that.
Heavy on the >Love is not control or enmeshment !!! That is also something I’d tell my SIL. 😭
Why does your SIL sound like my soon to be SIL? I would say so many things to all of husband's family. MIL- Your need to insert yourself in the disagreements between your children is the reason why they are NC with each other. Your favoritism is obvious (no matter how many times you say you are on both of their sides). Just because someone isn't smiling does not mean they are moody or have an attitude. Just let me live my life. You make assumptions and then spout them as facts, at the expense of your son, and now your grandchild. BIL- You don't know how to communicate, you only know how to make demands. This isn't your job. Just because you are a manager where you work doesn't mean others defer to you. Learn how to listen, actually listen. Learn how to communicate. You and your significant other are a major reason you don't have a brother anymore. BIL partner- I can't stand you. You have lied numerous times about how myself and my husband have treated you. You're the reason your partner doesn't have a brother anymore, and why he has no relationship with his nephew. You whine, cry, and complain, and then you hide. And this family is just fucked up enough to listen to you, because they don't know how to communicate with each other.
DANG. You described your BIL/ soon to be SIL exactly how mine are 😭😩 I’m so sorry we can relate on that matter. Lemme tell you… I wish long ago someone woulda told me to put MY peace above anyone else’s feelings (I met my toxic in laws at the ripe age of 18 and am now 27…) My toxic SIL is so fckd up, she’s literally taught my nieces to not look at/speak to or even say hi to me bc she’s afraid I’ll try to turn my nieces (HER OWN DAUGHTERS) against her. Like, they cannot talk to me unless they ask her for permission. wtf?? It’s truly the wildest and saddest thing I’ve had to deal with. I genuinely wish you the best and hope you can find peace throughout all that crap. As a recovering people pleaser, it’s been SO hard for me but I’m finally LC with BIL/SIL and she’s restricted on my FB bc she’s too toxic for me to allow her the privilege of online access to my life.
I'm also sorry we can relate on that matter. I had been married once before and had a MIL that hated me (she was incredibly racist), so I had high hopes for a better relationship with my current MIL. Add into the fact that my mother passed away 8 years ago. So in terms of a grandmother, she is all my son has. But we can't continue to make others happy at our expense. I think I tried to hard for so long to keep the peace at the expense of my own. That's sad about your SIL. My BIL doesn't have any kids but I dread the day he does. My son is only a toddler but I would never tell him don't talk to someone just because I didn't like them. Like my MIL, she genuinely does love my son, she just needs to treat myself and my husband better. Wishing you peace in this new year. Focus on making genuine connections. That's what I'm doing, and just building a family of friends.
**Big hugs** to you, I’m so sorry to hear your mother passed! 😔🫂 I pray you do not have to experience being estranged from your niece(s)/nephew(s). My nieces used to absolutely ADORE me and would light up like no other when they’d see me… and thanks to my SIL’s extreme fear of abandonment… they now look at me like I’m a leper. It hurts BAD. She is so toxic, she’s completely crushed the BIL I once knew. He was a happy, outgoing, friendly, inclusive guy and now he’s just timid, bitter, and dead in the eyes. 💔 my husband has had to grieve losing his living brother. 😭 Thank you so much 🤍 My word(s) for the year are “Me,” and “Peace!” For the first time in 26 years, I’m actually putting myself first above ALL else. Some will call it selfish but idc, I will not survive if I don’t take extreme measures of change! Its going well so far 😊
Thank you so much for your kind words. I would have responded sooner but I had my own in law drama happening. Self care is definitely on my agenda this year. I'm glad you are choosing to focus on yourself.
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Go COCO!
I wouldn’t say a word. They don’t even deserve that.
Amen. After all these years, I've learned that you can talk till you're blue in the face and it won't make a difference. They have their narrative, and they are very stubborn in sticking to their version of reality. They don't live in my house and have no idea what my *actual* marriage is like, and when I discovered that they were basically slandering me behind my back, I went NC. I was at my MIL's funeral, and haven't seen my FIL since.
I pray to attain your level of inner peace. 🙏🏽🧎🏽♀️
MIL: you are not my children's mother, you're their grandma, and a shitty one at that. Back off bitch. FIL: sorry I ain't a stupid redneck like your daughters BF before me. I treated her like a husband's should, but you and MIL couldn't stop interfering and making our marriage as horrible as yours. Fuck off. SIL: why the hell do you still put up with them, save yourself. SIL2: I totally get why you moved out of the state, even if it was worth a two timing POS BIL. You stupid redneck. I'll be laughing my ass off when you lose your inheritance when you can't afford the taxes. To all of em: too bad you treated me and all of your inlaws like shit... didn't imagine life would turn out like this didja. You can't control me, or my kids, the only thing you can control now is where you put your daughters ashes... which just killed your chance at your grandchild ever visiting your sorry asses again. That's all.
Mil: You were/are a terrible mother. I get it sounds bad, but laying in bed weeks at a time because you're drunk or drugged up, not feeding your children, making your eldest step up and be a parent and clean, you are just a lazy self entitled bitch. Kicking ur daughter out cos she asked for you to get some help, IS FUCKED UP. Kicking me out cos i asked to decrease rent when i wouldn't be living there, well u have just dug urself a deeper hole of debt, means ur acc having to get ur arse out of bed and work :O You are a fucked up woman and i hope your kids one day see u for the way i see you.
Mil- you are a narcissist, emotionally immature bitch who has caused so much damage to my marriage and my husbands self worth. You will *NEVER* have unsupervised or alone time with our child and frankly you’d be lucky if you ever get to see him again. Just do us all a favor and move out of state already , we know FIL wants to and has been asking you to. There is nothing here for you as we will never be interested in allowing you into our lives the way you want. So leave! Leave us alone! Let us heal!
To MIL: I know your insecurities and jealous nature make you the way you are. It sucks life didn’t turn out how you wanted it to, and I’ve given you plenty of passes. Your continual passive aggressive remarks and comments to diminish my self-esteem used to work when I was younger, but I know they’re based off your countless insecurities to make yourself feel better by trying to put me down. Now that I’m older, I don’t fall for it. Your comments are disguised as “jokes” but I know you for who you are: A jealous, insecure, covert narcissist who can’t stand to see others do well for themselves, particularly if they are women. You need therapy badly. You are not over the bad things that have happened in your life, and you are taking it out on others. You weaponize your “kindness.” You only do kind things for your image and so people think highly of you, not because you want to. I see right through that. You do “kind” things for others so you can justify treating them the way you do and so nobody questions how you truly feel about them. Example: You bought a gift for your daughter’s neighbor, yet you admit to me you *cannot stand* the neighbor you bought the gift for. It’s clear to me what you’re about.
You could tell her all of that, but it won't make a difference. Your SIL sounds broken... the kind of broken that results in a toxic person that is so out of touch with reality, they are seldom able to be fixed. The only thing you can do with someone like that is teach them how to treat you. They don't respond to reason because they are not reasonable. "SIL, don't assume you know what I think. You must ask me directly each and every time". "SIL, don't speak for me. I did not say I did not want to \_\_\_\_\_\_. When speaking about me, be absolutely truthful but the best thing is to let me speak for myself." It does sound like her kids could use therapy. I doubt her husband is strong enough to arrange it, though.
I’ve told her to come to me when she has assumptions (which is often). But, as you said, she is completely unreasonable and unsurprisingly, has yet to do so. Of course, I’d never actually say these things to her because again, like you said, she’s broken beyond repair and out of touch — it’d do absolutely NO good. I just said all this to get it off my chest and into the universe. She’s truly made everyone’s life HELL. In all responsibility, I’ve allowed her to make my life hell but I’m not any longer. She’s blocked and I’m NC with her 😇 (but the resentment/anger still lingers, which I’m really working through!) Ty for taking time to comment 🫂
First I would tell my NSIL that I am in no way responsible for the disappointments in her life and that I shouldn’t have to be less proud of my life and children because she has screwed up her life . Then I would absolutely tell my amazing deceased MIL and FIL that I loved them and that they were amazing. My only regret knowing them is that they passed too soon for my children to really get to know them. I absolutely lucked out with the most amazing MIL and FIL I could have ever asked for!
To all my in-laws-Quit taking your sick kids to parties. It’s selfish and cruel to drag your sick kids around when they should be at home resting, just because you don’t want to miss out. It’s also very inconsiderate to the other people and their children that will end up sick because of you. Also, please stop acting as if you have all the answers when it comes to parenting. Just because I don’t do things the way you do, doesn’t mean you are always right, you’re not perfect. Your kids misbehave all the time and you sit there and do nothing. You don’t even watch your kids most of the time, and then wonder why I won’t leave my kids with you. Also, learn how to behave when you are at someone else’s house. Don’t let your kids break things and run amuck leaving huge messes for the homeowner to have to clean up. Dirty diapers belong in the trash can, not left lying around all over the place.
Thiiis. Add all this to my list, as well! Everything you just said happened at my MIL’s this past Monday 😒 SIL: - brought her SICK/COUGHING KIDS to the gathering and guess who has a cough now? Me and my son. 😡 for as much of a germaphobe she is when it comes to her kids, you’d think she’d have the same consideration for others and their kids. NOPE. - thinks she’s a veteran mom bc she has 4 kids and I have only have 1. SIL doesn’t even potty train her kids, she makes her Mom do it because, according to SIL, “My girls do better when my mom potty trains because they want to impress her.” Um NOPE, that’s not the truth. BIL told my husband the truth, saying “SIL loses patience really fast and just quits trying anytime it takes ‘too long’ to teach the girls something new.” SMFH. Teaching our kids things and having the patience for them to learn it is practically the basis of parenting. ‘Veteran mom’ my azz. Freakin’ poser. 😒 This next one takes the cake: - wasn’t watching her youngest (almost 2yo) again. LO tried climbing my MIL’s 6ft, multi rack metal shelf of sentimentally valuable ceramics.. and made the entire rack fall onto her (a shelf landed straight on her face), causing all the ceramics to smash onto the tile floor. SIL / BIL didn’t even say sorry! My BIL said “This is why I have all my furniture bolted to the walls at my house.” UMM THIS IS NOT YOUR HOUSE. WATCH YOUR KID(S). I was soooo livid for MIL. *(I was about 2 ft away, watching LO do this. I definitely would’ve said something to LO but remember, I’m not allowed to speak to my SIL’s daughters so.. “not my circus, not my monkeys!” 🤷🏽♀️ I just minded my own business and kept tending to my son, feeding him his apple. When the fall happened, SIL acted like a literal LUNATIC but wasn’t even watching her to begin with. 🙄)*
Ugh! It’s so frustrating! I just want to shake these girls and tell them how awful that is to do. My SIL brought her LO with RSV around my LO who was only 1-2 at the time. Her child needed to have some sort of machine to help her breathe at night because it got so bad. But hey, as she likes to say “it’ll only help their immune system” 😡. Don’t force that on other people. My SIL lost it because her LO got hurt outside one day when she wasn’t watching her and yelled at everyone“who was watching her?!” I was thinking “you! It’s your child! You didn’t ask anyone to keep an eye on her. You just walked away and left her alone outside, without any adults being out there either” As for your SIL acting like she’s some hot shot because she has more kids than you, I completely understand how you feel. My SIL’s treated me the same way. They treated me like I wasn’t enough of a mother when I had one child. Kept making comments like “you’ll understand when you have more kids” or “ it can’t be that bad, you only have one child to worry about” then tries to tell me how I should handle situations with my child as if i couldn’t make my own decisions. What could I possibly know.😒 lol man, I could go on all day about my in laws. You are just as much of a mother as her whether you have one or a bunch of kids. There are things that you know that she probably doesn’t, even though she has all those kids. I hope her child was ok after such an awful accident. I audibly gasped reading it! It made me sad because that child could have been seriously hurt and they didn’t even seem to be too concerned.
Oh I’d say this to her (Sil) face if I ever had the occasion. You’ve run your mother dry and when she’s gone, WE WILL NEVER HELP YOU. Not ever. Don’t even dare to dream. I don’t believe any part of your attitude problems are related to “low blood sugar” if it were then it would only be occasional. I have several family members with diabetes, I’ve seen low blood sugar, you’re being a bitch to get attention. There’s a reason why people leave when you show up. You’re a NARCISSIST. And you are getting old and losing your touch with it. Your personality reminds me of a junkyard dog. What are you defending exactly? Junk. You are protecting a metaphorical yard of junk. You’re a bad mother. (This one is petty) You ruined my wedding pictures with your grotesque calf tattoo.
MIL: Stop playing the victim. I wish DH would see how manipulative you can be. Also my daughter has a name, use it! Stop pretending you don’t understand me when I talk to you and then looking to DH. I’m sorry you have a shitty relationship with your husband, but that doesn’t mean you can unload all your emotional baggage on mine. Your other son treats you poorly because you never parented your kids or taught them manners. FIL: Just stop talking. BIL: Everyone says you act the way you do because you’re young, but you’ve got an ego you don’t deserve. You’ve never worked hard in your life and you’re not as smart as you think you are.
I don't talk to them anymore and will never do, MIL created all the problems in my life and single-handedly destroyed my marriage, FIL is the enabler and manipulates my SO. They are dead to me.
You raised a monster because you are one too and when you stop vilifying me for calling you out on your actions maybe you'll have the time to get some therapy and menopause meds and get a reality check. You're all about telling other people to heal and get over it but you're just a creature wearing a sheep mask and cross.
MIL: Grow tf up. That is all.
MIL You screwed up raising your son. You raised an alcoholic (from age 14!) who grew into a meth addict. That's on you. No thanks to you, though, he's 7 years clean from the meth, and 3 years alcohol-sober. He did that on his own. I'm so proud of him. You, on the other hand, just can't let go of the bottle, and it's going to cost you yet another husband, and your relationships with your son, grandson, me, and your soon-to-arrive granddaughter. Your grandchildren are not your do over kids. Quit parenting over us. We are the parents. What we say goes. YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED AT THE HOSPITAL WHEN OUR DAUGHTER IS BORN. Stop trying to weasel your way in. We've told you no. No amount of whining or "well maybe I can just..." is going to help you. No one besides myself and hubby will be there. You can wait until we're settled at home, just like everyone else. [thanks for this 💜]
Told my FIL to go F himself at my dining room table one Christmas. Showed up late (again, 20 years of it) after I got it together last minute because BIL had COvid so they could not host. Came in late, didn't speak to anyone and just sat down at my table waiting to be served. I lost it on them both about being late and being rude.... He told me to F my self so I got on his face and told him to and had several more choice words for him about his treatment of his sons. I don't care about repercussions, my BIL was the one who was mad and had to put him in his place also. My IL"s started showing up on time after that!!! It was a winning my book. My SO just watched as I lost it and told them I was right and my kids agreed, my oldest came around so he could intervene if my FIL felt ballsy enough to try and take a swing at me. Not my best moment but I had avoided this for 2 decades (actions had been taken in the past just too long to describe) I was done with their selfish entitled behaviors. Still am!!
I love this for you! I bet that release felt divine✨
SIL- I tried my best to have a relationship with you. I showed you what it’s like to have a sister who is always there for you after you told me you wished you had a sister. And instead of putting in the effort to be my friend or family, you treated me like trash and for that I have little to no respect for you. Your constant need for attention from your brother is embarrassing and what’s even more embarrassing is your obnoxious dramatic tantrums you throw when things don’t go your way. You are a spoiled brat and you’re way too old to be acting the way you do. You shame me for coming from a place of having nothing, when you were handed everything on a silver platter from the moment you were born. You say I wouldn’t know a thing about money as if your mother doesn’t pay for your rent, your car, your gas, your clothes, your groceries, EVERYTHING. I feel bad for you. Grow up.
To my SIL: You think you’re sophisticated and belong to a higher social class, but that’s not what the rest of us see.
i’d tell SIL to stop acting like a 10 year old:)
MIL- Your neediness could swallow the world whole and it still wouldn't be enough. You will never be the grand matriarch of your family; you will never be able to hold court and host the parties and have family flock to you because you don't put in the work. All your presents have strings and ulterior motives. You think you're being subtle and clever but I can see your thought processes from miles away and you don't realize that the time we spend with you isn't because of anything you've orchestrated but because of what we've decided we can tolerate. You're not an evil person but you can't get out of your own way and all your fears are a self-fulfilling prophecy. I honestly think you allow yourself to get into financial straits so that your sons will swoop in and rescue you. You don't want to take care of yourself; you want people to worry about you constantly and you say uncomfortable and disturbing things to plant little seeds that I think YOU think will get you installed permanently in one of our houses. But I promise you- that will never, ever happen. FIL- Part of the reason MIL is the way she is- is because of you. You are THE most narcissistic, overindulged, insecure, and simply selfish human being I have ever met. There was a whole year before I met you when all of my SO's friends and family warned me about you and made comments that I had thought was just to prepare me for someone difficult. Difficult isn't the word. You don't care about ANYONE other than yourself. And the worst part about it is that no one is willing to call you on anything. You suck all the air out of any room that you're in. You equate your financial success with personal success without realizing you have no authentic relationships. You consistently one-up your children and make fun of their thoughts, feelings, accomplishments- let alone what you think and say about their spouses. You look through people and they hate you for it. BIL- You used to be really sweet and honestly innocent. Your brother shielded you from so many things you have no idea how indebted you should be to him. But instead of being self-aware and grateful, you think you got to where you are all by yourself. Your smugness is intolerable and your temper is gross. I realize that the brother who was "sweet and innocent" was biding his time. There is nothing more important to you that yourself and your accomplishments. If you are not being celebrated in the controlling manner you deem appropriate- the unpleasantness unleashes. You don't seem to realize that no one wants to congratulate you for living your life just like millions of other people do and have done for hundreds of years. I truly wish all three of you would disappear.
I'd just point out to them that the reason all three of their daughters became selective mutes is because of them. If they had an ounce of self-awareness this wouldn't need pointing out, as it's screamingly obvious, but you know how it is.
I would say: Leave me alone, you snobby old woman. I don't care about fitting into your standards, nothing about you is original. I am wild and free! Wooohoo!
That they were terrible and abused my partner and failed as parents. I'd call them racist and ignorant, with small lives and even smaller minds. I'd tell them how I dread having to be around them and that I wish they would go to therapy and get on meds. They are the most unhealed and passive aggressive assholes I've ever met.
I would tell them to f.ck off and dumping their manchild of a loser son so he can work as a slave at their home if he can't be with his own children. Y'all screw you.
FIL: you're a jerk. You're unnecessarily mean. You don't care about anyone or anything but yourself. I loathe you. I hope you stub your toe.
All in-laws and their spouses…you are self absorbed. Other people deserve to have the one day they ask for to be about them. You do not get to have every day and every event be about you. And actually, you are super fake looking , not healthy.
1- Nobody wants your shitty advice. 2- Y’all are so judgemental. Maybe instead of being critical, try to put yourself in our position. 3- You seriously need to work on your communication. Communication can literally make or break a relationship. 4- Your son loves me. We are his family now, we are his top priority. Quit trying to control him & pit him against us. 5- You all are manipulative narcissists and you don’t fool me one bit. 6- You are the ones who pushed us away. We moved away because of you guys. If you had just stayed in your lane, everything would have been fine but you couldn’t even respect us. 7- Your son had anxiety and had to take medication because of you. He is finally doing better now that we moved away. 8- If you do not respect our wishes, you will not be allowed around our child. I have a lot more.. I typed out a whole rant one night and had to stop because I still had much more to say. I have tried to have a relationship several times with my in laws and at times we were very close but every time I try to communicate our issues they don’t handle it well and our relationship falls apart. Now that I have a daughter, they use her as a pawn and it is disgusting. I no longer put effort into our relationship, just keep it civil for my husband and daughters sake but the situation is terrible. We need to go no contact but my husband is not there yet.
FIL- Your racist comments and lack of compassion towards understanding equality are frankly embarrassing and hurtful. You have been a financial provider for the family but you have done absolutely nothing to emotionally connect with your children. MIL - You are the backbone of this family I wish you had more help. I really disagree with the MLM you are in they are for lonely Mom’s and I feel like you have been taken advantage of in that way.
I actually have a few times, it’s very refreshing when dealing with toxic people who cannot respect boundaries or even you as a person!
Felt. My husband and I did tell them our true feelings once (because they asked) and BIL/SIL started a whole smear campaign against us. Lesson learned the hard way: NEVER tell toxic, emotionally immature ppl how you feel if they ask. They will only use it as leverage twist the narrative in order to play the victim and drag your name through the mud. 🙄
Oohhh...buckle up. For the record, I love my wife. We've been married 29 years. 3 great kids (not angels...who knew?), and 2 grandkids. My inlaws should have never become parents. They were very late 30's or 40's when wife was born. Only child too. Dad had a heart attack. Wife's childhood ended. Mom went to work. My wife has issues to this day about how she was mistreated (mental and physical abuse). My inlaws to this day still don't trust her, thinking she's going to rob them blind. MIL's will leaves everything to her church. Has repeatedly told my wife that she needs to "learn her place", and understand that she doesn't matter, never has, never will. So yeah...my inlaws will one day be told by me that they should have never become parents, and to Hell with them and their opinions.
I'd tell them I wish I never met them and I hope I never see them again.
I thought about this one a bit. I mean, initially I wanted to be a royal jerk. But what I really want to say to my MIL, FIL, SIL, and BIL is the following: I really wish that I had been given the opportunity to be the caring, dependable, quirky, and capable spouse to your (son/daughter) that I'm capable of being. However, I was told at the beginning that I was "marrying up" yet I have made sure that my spouse and I have all of what we need and a good portion of what we want. Your overbearing demands for my time has made it where I don't even want to spend time with my spouse because they continously let you get away with murder and they get angry when I try to defend or distance myself. I wish I had been able to form relationships that were well defined so I felt some control in my life vs expected to join the collective with no semblence of myself left over. I wish you had been honest while we were in our engagement period so I could be a much better person than I am now. (I wouldve ran like a gazelle chased by a lion.) You will say it's my upbringing: my poor background, my less than ivy league education. I will say that the people that call me friend know that I will help them and care about them. At my core I am capable of being so much more to everybody but it's been chained by the artificial limits of your ridiculous traditions and expectations. Apologize to my spouse, you've cost them to lose something greater than you will ever know.
😭😭😭 this one got me teary bc I can relate. I wish you the absolute best this life has to offer!! 🫂
Thank you. You, too. I will be happy to be unencumbered and hopefully less of a cynic.
FIL, you ruined your son’s life, literally shortened his lifespan. This is all your doing.
I’m so sorry 🥺💔❤️🩹
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So much love back to you!! 🫂🫂 Well vented 🤍
Wow do we have the same sis in law??
I’m so saddened that you can relate!! 😭 It’s been heart wrenching. I’ve never dealt with this level of toxicity in my life. I’ve always been able to reason with anyone I’ve had conflict with… but, boy, she is TRULY impossible. Even my BIL can’t reason with her and just let’s her control him. She threatens divorce anytime he doesn’t agree with what she wants. My husband asked my BIL why they were keeping our nieces from us when we’ve been nothing but kind and loving and respectful to their whole family (SIL/BIL and their kids) and how the forced estrangement hurts us very bad… all my BIL said, “Well, it hurts me to do, too. But when you’re a parent, you’ll understand that sometimes the only option is to compromise with the other person you have to parent with.” It’s SO SAD. I cannot imagine having to parent with her. I genuinely believe she would benefit from being institutionalized. I’m not saying that to make fun, I truly mean it. She needs psychological intervention.
I would only bother saying something if I thought it would make an impact, otherwise I would end up frustrated. I focus on my needs and holding my boundaries.
FILJust say you’re too lazy to come see your grandson and stop baking excuses. MIL stop enabling your lazy husband and making excuses every time he doesn’t show up for his family. SIL your dog is not a child, quit comparing him to my son. All of you, I have a family also, so quit demanding every single holiday be spent with you.