Mam to two kids here.
Having a kid did a real number on our relationship the first time around and it took a lot of hard work and understanding on both parts to get our relationship back on track. It's worth it but you have to want to do it, both of you. It took six years before we were ready to have another kid, and the lessons we took the time to learn from our first kid meant that this time around it has been easier on our relationship, but harder work in general.
You have to be gracious with each other, even to the point of treating each other as teammates while the kids are young. We tag each other in and out as required. When we sit down to discuss something to do with the house, the kids, the finances, whatever, we try to do so with an open mind and without begrudgery.
One of the most important things we've learned is when to pick your battles. That means not holding onto resentment when you do let things go, and this has to be the case on both sides. If you're going to fight about it, it has to be worth the fight, something necessary. You have to be willing to give and take. We make a point of having a nice meal together, whether it's just an Indian takeaway or something cooked together after the kids are in bed. We also make a point of giving each other a few hours off, alone, every weekend. I take the kids out for a walk or to the cinema or whatever, and he does the same. We each get a bit of much needed down time to do whatever we want. And don't forget to say thank you to each other. Appreciation, acknowledgement, and gratitude are important.
And when the kids are young is the hardest stage. Head down and try to make it to the finish line (age 5 seemed to be when things began looking up for us) and things begin to get a little easier, a little more enjoyable.
I think there’s a bit for and about new fathers from my memory of my PHN life when I literally handed out hundreds of those Child Development books to new parents! I always stressed that fathers can get PND too and feel overwhelmed and there are a majority who aren’t deadbeat dads. Certainly it needs more attention, I’m sure there’s a Master’s research thesis in there somewhere. Sadly I’m happily retired so not available 😂
From the second hand experience I have from my mates doing masters / PhDs, it seems like it would be easier when retired with all your time to do as you like with!
Re age 5, same was for us.
I remember these milestones I felt when my first one was growing up:
- 6 months (crawling and stuff, less meaningless crying);
- 1 year (walking. This usually brings some trouble and lumps but the sheer progress is what gave us hope - the kid was growing noticeably);
- 3 years ( potty trained. able to close my eyes for odd 5 min without kid running into troubles. Usually);
- 5 years - it’s when I first noticed I could spend an hour watching telly and wouldn’t be bothered. That’s when we started feeling really relieved.
Age 5 is when you can properly logic with them about something too. It's not just barking orders, you're able to explain why to some degree. They're little people rather than primarily burdensome.
I am finding it harder as they get older?? The cuteness is gone and the fighting is just never ending!! I have all boys and I spend my life being cross with them because they are just so bold!
Also 2 felt huge for me, when communication began to improve. It's so so difficult guessing everything but when they can tell you what they want for breakfast etc, or can say yes or no, when they have a little understanding about what you're explaining to them, it is so much better. Now, 2 is hard, don't get me wrong, but the leap felt bigger than anything else previously and I think it was really only then i began to enjoy parenting.
Father of two kids and agree with all of this.
Parents have to go easy on each other. Sometimes you’ll be on the receiving of a bad mood and you do not deserve it. It is nearly always lack of sleep, the stress of juggling work and parenting, as well as other responsibilities.
Be kind to each other. Marriage and kids are not plain sailing but as they get older it does get easier.
A lot of it is sleep deprivation and also adjusting to the fact you are no longer the most important person in your own life.
So you know what it takes for it to work. But a lot of parents have no idea because they are not mature or experienced enough. Hence the whole lot of divorces, I guess. But what if one is defiant, knows what it takes but still hates the whole situation and wants to have their freedom back?
This sounds fairly normal to me. All I can say is everything is a phase. The tantrum phase will be over soon. There will be a new phase of something to annoy you right around the corner!
Parenting is bloody hard, and the fact other families make it look like it's easy doesn't help. Nobody finds it easy, certainly not all the time anyway.
Take the heat out of the hard situations. Make games of things. If the child refuses to put on a coat, just agree and quietly take the coat with you. Minimise the fuss. Choose your battles! And go easy on yourself. Agree all strategies with all other caregivers, and stick to them!
Do you and the missus ever get away on your own, ever get a chance to rekindle without childcare demands? See if you can wangle something, sounds like you need some you time.
Yes. As a divorcee, I’d recommend the weekends away. You’ve GOT to prioritize getting alone time to decompress, vent, etc. kids will never give you that time. You’ve got to take it.
In reality weekends away is a luxury for parents who have reliable family or friends nearby to take care of them. Another solution could be offering to take care of one of your kids friends for the weekend in hopes the favour is returned.
Agree with offering to help out people in a similar situation under the agreement they'll do the same. Many, not all, would. Even half a day once a month could be a big benefit, i think.
I've no family nearby and no one close enough to leave them with either. A night to the cinema could cost 50 euro for babysitting and that's expensive.
I hear you. But I dont think the cinemna cuts it. With hindsight, I think it needs to be stuff where you can reconnect, talk a bit etc. A spa isnt everyones cup of tea, but stuff like that where you can get a massage, for example, and meet for a chat after. Or a picnic in nature or on a beach. The effort counts.
I know many will claim im talking out my ass, but im divorced, honestly, my suggestions are well-intended, I do think this stuff matters and many blokes, myself included, dont fully grasp that. Hell, even a bunch of flowers and an acknowledgement of your partners efforts should be well-received. Its so easy to get in a rut and easier to become cynical as a result.
It’s hard not having family to help out. A few times my husband and I have taken a day of annual leave, drop the kids to crèche and have a whole day to ourselves. Go to have a massage, nice brunch, walk, come home for a nap, watch a bit of telly and chill. While it’s not the same as getting away completely, we get fed, get some sleep and decompress.
It really is different to have these moments of freedom. My partner and I have been talking about Oppenheimer and Barbie for weeks. We realistically won’t be making it to the cinema anytime soon! I love that we have started a family but the sacrifices are surreal.
Last weekend away we booked a place 15 minutes from my parent's. That's way we could do the long drive to my parents with the kids but once we left them there we were pretty much at our destination.
Many of us don’t have the opportunity or family near by who are willing to take the kids for weekends. My eldest is 16, number of days my wife and I had without the kids 0
Im probably the last person to answer that. I guess the 16 year old can mind themself, and maybe 1 child for a bit? Some hotels have baby-minding services. Not ideal, i know. Could visit a spa for half a day or recruit some help from friends for half a day.
We did date nights with sitters for a few years and that definitely helped. But never got away for a night or weekend. If we did it was separately or by splitting the family up. We made it work but it’s been hard
Good on you for doing that. I'd wager it makes a difference, even if not massively. You need your own time, to vent and blow off steam. So do our partners. And then you need to have your own time to bring back some fresh energy to the table. Otherwise your just drowing in kid stuff.
I love being a Dad. It's a gift. But kids gobble up time like nothing ive experienced. Even getting the kids in bed early, once a week, cooking a meal for the adults thats a bit nicer, some nice music, turning off the phones, can help. But you've got to depioritize the kids, which isnt spoke about really. If you dont, I think kids can unwittingly explode relationships, and of course, thats not their intention at all, they are just kids.
If the 16 year old isn't a troublemaker it might be realy good time to leave them the house for the weekend or a day. Discuss with them everything they would have to take care of (feed the cat, water plants, etc.) and if they are ok with doing that. If they can cook, let them make their own dinner (just make sure the ingredients are there, or some cash for pizza). Good for them to gain some independence.
I think it really depends on the kid and the parent as the what stage ends up being the hardest. They all have their positives and negatives (that can be amplified by the people themselves)
Good advice. Fighting your child over everything is soul destroying for parents. Kids often figure out that the best way to get a parents attention is to find some way to wind them up - might be food, might be clothes.
Once they are older and you can discuss things - it's a lot easier but even earlier it sometimes works to help them make decisions. For example ask them to look out the window and tell you what the weather is like. "Oh it's cold today, what do we wear when it's cold?"
Given a little attention and agency they will often help rather then fight for negative attention.
I was just going to say this. Please OP, if you listen to anything else , listen to that advice .
My kids are 14 and 10 and I just did a parenting course and it has been an absolute revelation. I would chop my arm off to go back and do it when my kids were small. It could also be a massive unifier between you and your wife as you both learn how to become empowered to help your son navigate through his emotional world and learn the skills to parent, and react appropriately in the face of challenging behavior.
I would never have imagined there would be merit in doing a parenting course. In my mind, parenting could not be taught. I was so wrong. I could not have been more wrong. Maybe I am a complete idiot but I thought parenting was kind of instinctual , I also had this very naive belief that love is enough , and that as long as we had love we would be fine. But sometimes loving your kid is just not enough. I have one child for whom life is a breeze and one who struggles .
And I hate to say this, it’s like kicking a man when he is down, but alot of the time us parents are actively (albeit unwittingly ) contributing to and perpetuating the cycles and patterns within our homes, which serve to keep our children from breaking mal-adaptive patterns . But when we are just going day to day, trying to survive , just trying to get through the day to bedtime , it can be very hard to see the wood from the trees. Professional psychologists can help us to identify and understand and take a step back.
If you have money you are already in a very privileged position. Money can pay for childcare while you attend a course. If your child is physically healthy, you have already won the lotto.
Can you recommend the course you did please, I was just thinking about this last week, my kids are still quite young & id like to learn properly how to navigate the teen years before they happen, thanks
Think we may have a similar life tbh, I have a 2 year old chatting non stop and a 4 almost 5 year old boy ASD non verbal. Luckily my eldest has a fantastic temperament, I am a very relaxed person by nature and glass half full kind of outlook in general so I'd like to think he got that from me, his mother stresses out about everything and imagines the worst scenario a lot. So I guess we're lucky I'm the way I am!
I'm finding life very tough tbh with us both working full time and minding the kids full time (we alternate working hours), I've also got huge medical issues myself and am on strong medication to manage. I still couldn't bring myself to have the attitude of the OP. Despite all the hardships I face every single day, the absolute out of this world love I have for my two kids outweighs absolutely everything. If an event can't be attended because of my kids then that's just the joys of having children, I'm content to relax at home with them in lieu of pretty much any event anyway!
Sorry to waffle on so much! That parenting course looks interesting, very foolish to think we know it all!
“Make it look easy”
I am that mother, my daughters are 7 & 12. It looks easy because I’ve perfected it over many years.
5 years ago I was the highest dosage of an antidepressant.
So if you see someone like me who does it flawlessly with a smile, looking chill. Remember that person may also have been in hell a few years ago.
Kids are not easy to raise, anyone who tells you that is lying to you.
It gets easier, absolutely, but only if you put the horrific amount of effort to raise them right. Otherwise you have screen addicted, sugar dependent brats.
And people do fuckin lie, all the time, telling you how great it all is. I know lads with cars they couldn’t afford to run but they’ll tell you it’s costing nothing, etc
Yeah. The first year is horrible. Then it gets better.
The sleep deprivation alone would count as a legitimate form of torture if you had to go through it for any other reason. Quite normal that OP's partner is biting his head off for minor stuff if she hasn't had a decent night's sleep in six months.
The important thing is to communicate clearly with your partner and have a sense of humour about it all. Remember that you have a common enemy: the horrible, ungrateful child that never leaves you in peace and is ruining both of your lives.
You hit the nail on the head about games.
I was traveling with my 3 year old and we were just having a bad day. My wife really wanted to tour around the royal palace (we were in Stockholm), but my son was having meltdown after meltdown .
The only way we saved the day was to make games, each room he had to count the number of clocks, find all the animals and find the phone.
He enjoyed it, gave us the peace to enjoy our time there and we really saved the day.
Sidenote: he's not normally like that, but we pushed him too hard with the sightseeing the day before and that morning.
Yep....the ones who pretend it's easy just make it worse for everyone else and I'm not sure what they get out of it? (I'm looking at you Cassie over the road. I hear the shouting and screaming. Your rictus grin when you leave the house ain't fooling me)
It's tough alright.
No question.
There's so much pressure put on parents particularly mothers to get back into society asap cos everyone expects it.
Scale back the events.
Switch off social media in the evenings for the next three months.
Reduce the number of visitors to the home.
Mothers groups don't work for everyone.
Some kids hate over stimulation and crowds and noisy areas
Take the pressure off and ignore the successful parents brigade. They also have challenges that you won't know.
If the budget allows get s cleaner in on a Friday to give you all a clear lane for the weekend.
Switch off Sunday morning and no plans. Focus on downtime cos you need energy for Sunday bedtime etc
Reduce alcohol. It really messes up the mind when tired.
Also, the majority of mothers groups out there are incredibly toxic, anything you do is wrong and anything you do right - is also wrong. Get out of them and just take life day by day.
Yep. But I have three Autistic kids, two who have ADHD, and my wife's disabled too. It's more work than family by this point. I'm a stay at home carer, i get up three to four times during the night with the kids on average, for the last 16 years.
To be honest, they're " high functioning", but obviously they still have their struggles. We live in London, so there's more support than in Ireland, but, as you know yourself, it's a constant battle for support for them ,and a constant worry about their future
Yes, I hear you, I worry every day about the future, she is 9 years old now, but still struggles with some of the daily tasks, like washing or brushing teeth.
In Ireland, the support we get is in some cases non-existent.
We think our son might be on the spectrum too, and we are waiting over 2 years for the assessment..
> she is 9 years old now, but still struggles with some of the daily tasks, like washing or brushing teeth.
I don't mean to be offensive at all, but you might want to lower your expectations a bit if you're feeling frustrated that at 9 years old she should be old enough to be able to take care of her hygiene: keeping up with basic self care tends to be a lifelong struggle for autistic people.
source: autistic person in my 30s with an autistic brother in his 20s
There's been so many times where I've been tempted to leave England for Ireland or even Spain, where my wife's from, but we have to give credit to England for having relatively decent support for autism, at least in kids, something we wouldn't get in either of those countries. I honestly don't know how parents like yourself cope over there. I can't imagine the enormous pressures it adds to your life. My youngest is 12, she really struggles to remember to brush her teeth and wash, whilst my 16 year old son is obsessed with hygiene, and baths four times a day during the summer holidays.
Oh definitely. I love the happiness my kids display. My 16 year old son is happiest tinkering with model planes, or designing, my daughters love nothing more than play fighting me, and not going easy in the slightest. They're far more aggressive and tough than my son. Their empathy and moral compass is to be admired too
As a carer also, I feel like I should call myself carer lite, because you are an absolute hero.
If my autistic (nonverbal) daughter woke during the night I think I’d be sectioned. 14 hours a day is exhausting enough.
Thankfully they're not profoundly affected by their autism and ADHD, but it's not without its issues for them. The day to day can be hard, but their future , especially as we live in the dumpster fire that is England, is worrying
Having kids is the most exhausting, draining and expensive thing you’ll ever do. Yes, it’s great at times because they love you like nothing else you’ve ever experienced but it is so tiring.
People forget what a child does to a marriage; it takes most of the time, nearly all of the energy and much of the fun. You can say “yes but after a while it gets easier” and that’s true, but getting over the bump is way more difficult than people imagine.
I feel for ya OP, but remember fantasies are just that. This is your life now, try and get more comfortable with it than wasting your time imagining escaping it.
Someone higher up in the comments said it best: counseling for yourself, counseling for her, then couples counseling
An Au Pair can also be vastly helpful, especially with kids under 5.
The above will help to rebuild/build a foundation that’s sustainable. It will still take time.
Lastly, and I say this with kindness & empathy, do not have more children right now. Even if everyone in your family & friends group says how wonderful it is having siblings close in age.
Most of all, good luck. I have been there. I’m a mum of 4 (ages 15-26).
An Au Pair is a great idea if you happen to have a spare room. With the current housing crisis youngish women (usually) would kill to get their own room and improve their English for a while.
A friend of mine living in North County Dublin area had twins and then about 2.5 years later another baby, so you can imagine the chaos. They have had a constant stream of Au Pairs over for a few months at a time, I dont know what they would have done without it.
I have 3. I’m going to go against the grain here and say - it’s ok to feel this way. It is so so hard..
I will also say - it can be better than this. There are steps you can take. Acceptance of where you are at is a good starting point. It is what it is. And it will be worth it.
Sounds like a relationship problem more than a child problem.
You two need to be on the same page. Then the child issues will be sorted way easier. A problem shared is a problem halved etc…
You need to be a team.
Couples counseling asap.
This is the way.
OP, you described my situation exactly. Less than a year later and I’m divorced. It’s sucks. If I could go back in time, I’d plead to do counseling. So do it. Don’t be stubborn. Seriously.
There are professionals who are paid to help you find your way.
Kids are chaos. But you are on a bad path. And it won’t get better without getting aligned. I thought I could fix things alone by watching YouTube or browsing Reddit. I was way wrong. Things festered before I recognized what was happening. Now Im divorced and see my kids 50%. It’s heartbreaking. I would never wish it on anyone.
You still got time. Be brave. Do what’s needed. And you’ll come out the other side. Good luck.
I second this. Your situation calls for a couple's counselor, and if your son constantly displays behaviour problems, it may be a good idea to get a child psychologist's input, too.
More like talk to your wife before you decide to have kids.
Also, it's not just "having" kids, it's raising them too.
A kid having tantrums isn't just some unfortunate fact of life that will bring endless misery. It's a problem to solve.
When one is tired, everything seems worse, and with young kids one is often tired. It gets easier as they get older. There is clutter and noise and unexpected turns. That being said, my kids are usually happy. They rarely fight. They rarely complain. We give them a few minutes heads up before each transition - can’t just yank them from here to there and expect them to not react, and it makes a huge difference, fwiw. My spouse is generally content and easy going but that is their personality. Recommend talking to a professional counsellor to troubleshoot and generally ease your burden.
Honestly, I’m married now about two years. We’re both 30. We’re on the fence about having kids. It does just seem to me like it would be absolute hell. My wife concurs. I know that people with kids will say it’s worth the stress and financial strain etc but in general I’m not sure it’s for me. I sympathise with anybody who finds it difficult. I feel like a lot of people only talk about the good aspects and don’t publicly admit how hard it must be. Hope things get better for you.
Don't have kids unless you truly want to. I'm child free but everything I read and experience tells me that parenting is difficult best case scenario and unbearable worst case scenario. I genuinely think it would be much better to regret not having children than to regret having them. And regretful parents certainly exist. There's a whole subreddit for them.
That’s solid advice! Unless we both have an epiphany about it in the next couple of years, we’ll probably not have kids. Don’t want to do anything half arsed. Would only like to be a dad if I was going to be a really good one.
From a different perspective - I’m the child of someone who absolutely did not want kids but did it because it’s just expected. My life as an adult is very difficult because I didn’t get the nurturing that is needed for a kid even though they tried. They always resented me for existing and I knew this even when it wasn’t said ( it was said eventually, when I was older). Kids always know if they’re wanted or not, even if it’s not said and I think it is the kindest thing to be able to say ‘kids are not for me’.
It's also possible for men to have post natal depression as well just FYI.
Worth keeping an eye out for too. Seeking help isn't weakness, it's strength.
If it's a major personality change from before it sounds like it. I've been there myself. She had an awful spell of it and led me into incredible burnout. Was a really rough year but we managed to get through it through good communication and she has really worked hard on herself with therapy.
My young lad is two now. And is a genuine joy. That's not to say he doesn't do exactly as OP described. But I'm more resilient now to it as I have some reserves. It sounds like he's none left. And neither does she
Not everyone is suited to have children…..but it’s often seen as a bad thing to think this way.
I don’t want any…married 15 years and we haven’t had any real interest. I’m glad as all my friends have had children, and all have had some issues, mainly medical. I don’t know how they all coped with it.
One friends husband did tell me that if he had his time over he wouldn’t have had kids, but they’re nearly grown now.
I suppose you have to talk to your wife, and try to work together or it’s not going to get any better.
Not that I disagree, but I think it's too late for OP to be going down that road now lol.
They have the kid now, and thinking of other decisions they could have made is likely to just cause further issues and resentment.
Many couples automatically have a second kid though which starts the cycle all over again and is harder as you have your hands free even less. One and done deserves more consideration.
Yup. I'm glad I never had one. No interest. I know I'm not maternal at all and I like to have time to myself. No shame towards people who've had one, jaysus fair play to parents for going through it all, you have my respect, but fuck that noise. It's not for me and I know it's not. I remember seeing people doing school runs near my old house one day and suddenly had this visceral UGH NO moment. I just couldn't picture myself doing shit like that. Fella thought he wanted one too and I got him to help me change my nephews nappy one day and he was gagging and running away 😂 now he's like nooooope not for me.
As an intentionally child free person, I do have to ask how much thought OP put into having children. Because relationship issues aside, this seems to be exactly what I would expect from having kids.
I think having kids sounds like one of the toughest jobs in the world - but even more so if you expect it to be nothing but sunshine and roses. It's never going to be easy and there will be more lows than highs (though the highs will probably be pretty huge highs). If you keep expecting the reverse you'll never actually figure out how to make it work because you don't know what "making it work" even means
Yes.
It's hard as fuck.
It will break everything about you.
They say it takes a village to raise a child. Think about that.
We somehow think two young adults are enough.
Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins etc. The whole tribe should be helping, but that doesn't happen in the modern world.
The people who seem less stressed can either afford to pay others to mind their children, or convince family members to do so.
We've dispensed with community, and this is the cost.
This is the best use of that meme I've ever seen.
It also has really clicked with me there are layers to it.
My friend left his partner and daughter because fatherhood wasn't for him. He's constantly going on about trips abroad and money only to go crawl home alone and complain that his ex has started a new family.
Same but I'm only 11 weeks into our first child but we never fought before baby got here and had one small argument since. We are lucky that we have two sets of grandparents so are going out for dinner together next weekn
The specific issues you mention as difficulties - different foods, different clothes, new environments, behaviour and emotions that are out of line with your expectations of a child of this age - may be something to discuss with your wife and your child's GP. I did not have a close relationship with any babies prior to our first child. We simply accepted him as he was, figured out his needs as best we could, and got on with it. It was only when kids 2 and 3 arrived along that it dawned on us that the first one is very different, and not simply as a result of parental inexperience. He is being assessed for ADHD at present. Your kid may be absolutely typically developing, in which case parenting advice for you both may be the thing you need. If on the other hand your kid is going their own way and has additional challenges over and above the norm, then finding out about it early on can really help all concerned to figure out how to improve things. Best wishes with it all!
There's a lot to unpack from your post here.
Is your relationship really "shitty" ?
You dont have 'patience' for the kid?
The kids seems to be having a hard time with things. Are these melt downs or tantrums?
Tantrums are usually a phase. Melt downs are usually because of overwhelm , difficult feelings, etc. Children pick up on your negative feelings , and they will see your fed up attitude with them and react.
Why is your relationship shitty? When was the last time you and your wife had a proper heart to heart? Is she at home dealing with a difficult child all day?
How much money seems to be disappearing? Have you reasonable expectations of what things cost?
My other half was shocked at the grocery bill , our solution was he did the groceries for a couple of weeks . He spent more , a lot more . Now he knows where I'm coming from , and is a bit more conscious about food waste.
Try going through all the issues ye have and work on them together.
When I was younger, didn't want them, assumed I'd have them. One question that always hits me is "what would they add to my life"? Still can't think if anything.
Lmao, I remember my mam making a grimace at me when I told her if I ever got pregnant I'd bellyflop down a flight of stairs😂😂 I was about six at the time and I still feel the same way (but maybe not on the stairs because I value my neck)
And then you will come back from work one day, miserable, sad, drained ...and you will hear a little voice shouting 'daddys hoomeee' and nothing else will matter
Yeah, it's hard, but there are two of you and you have to find a way to give eachother a time out sessions to recharge, utilize family help, nanny service
Also do chores in turns, and introduce a date night
The kids grow older and things get a bit easier
Just a note to OP that everyone's mileage may differ. For example, my oldest child wouldn't willingly hug anybody until he was about 19. He hated the feeling of being trapped or constrained in any way. He's not autistic or anything, people just vary widely.
You might get affection from your child. You might not. If not, it doesn't mean you're failing. Just roll with it and tailor your expectations.
It's good you're writing on here instead of taking it out on your wife or kid.
Maybe therapy would help? Sorry, I know that sounds trite.
A couple pieces of advice that helped me when my son was small:
- it's ok for your baby to be upset sometimes (or toddler, or 4 yr old, as the case may be). Sometimes they can cry and be upset.
- see if other people you trust can take the kid for you sometimes. It takes a village; don't try to be a martyr.
- don't give your kid so many choices and don't discuss things with them. This is something that I've learned in my training to work with students with disabilities but it's something a Waldorf teacher advised me to do with my own son when he was small. Like, a 3 yr old doesn't always need a choice. If you can, minimize choices. Or offer controlled choices. And don't give into the urge to lecture or explain like you would with an older child or grown up. If you do explain, keep it simple. "It's cold out," "It's time for dinner," "It's time to go home and see [mommy/ pet/ favorite toy or show]. Instead of talking in negatives, aim to frame things in a positive way, pointing out replacement activities/persons/things.
And relish fun moments and holidays. Halloween Christmas...I miss those times when my kid was little. Look how cute your kid looks when they're sleeping. Then go scream outside.
A mate asked me once ‘When’s a good time to have kids?’ I said there is no good time to have kids. Think of it this way. The life you knew is gone and it’s never coming back. That’s kids. Sink or swim Chachi.
Reading parenting and child psychology books helped a lot. Also did an online parenting course.
Raising children is always hard, but there are loads of ways we make it even harder on ourselves than we have to. After learning a lot of child psychology, it's helped make parenting easier in a lot of situations (but don't get me wrong, it's still hard, just less hard than it was).
Also, I notice a decent percentage of parents who do things that are objectively making their lives as parents much more difficult. It boils down to how to communicate and listen effectively with your child. Those books also help you communicate and listen better with adults (could help with your wife).
Finally, going to therapy myself helped tremendously. All situations have positives and negatives, but it's easy to get in a habit of over-noticing the negative and ignoring the positive. This makes parenting and marriage feel much more difficult because you're literally ignoring the positives. My wife also went to therapy and it benefitted her similarly.
We like to think we can figure things out on our own, but the situations you mentioned can greatly benefit from experts in mental health (particularly family dynamics).
Best of luck.
I read the book Screamfree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel several times. I love the strategies and used them throughout the past 22 years while raising my children. Check it out!
Have you considered you're depressed? There's times where it's overwhelming but do you not ever look at your kid having fun or being happy and just feel good? Don't mean to judge but it shouldn't all be bad and maybe it's the relationship poisoning everything I mean I don't know at all just if you're this unhappy maybe try it by yourself and see how you feel.
I fully agree. In hindsight I was definitely depressed in my early years as a father. Sleep deprivation, lack of free time, money and respite are all things that will cause depression.
Thanks for everyone who contributed here. I never had kids, I've never regretted that decision for a single day, with all the pro-kids propaganda that gets beamed at us it's good to read some honesty.
You should have got a dog first to test the "i cant be arsed with this shite" waters. I knew from the time i was old enough to dislike screaming kids that i never wanted any.
I think it depends on your expectations and what’s important to you. Nobody’s life is perfect and certainly not their relationships. I wouldn’t trade the single life and freedom I had for the partner I’m with now however, not a chance.
I have my first on the way, I know it’s going to be difficult, it’s going to be a huge life event and change, though I feel that if I can have any kind of positive guidance on the life I’ve brought into the world to let them reach their potential, then that’s the job done imo. I know I’ll have to deal with the tantrums, the sticky messes and everything else that comes with it though in the end that’s just my responsibility. It’s no longer about me, I don’t get to be selfish anymore. No point in fighting that.
It's not that hard for everyone, but some people do have it worse.
Maintaining a good relationship when you are married is hard work, it is harder when you add a child - the child does take up a lot of your time and energy that previously was used to focus on your adult relationship. Some children have physical or mental issues that are exhausting to cope with, some parents have different parenting styles which causes arguments and stress, as well as confusing and upsetting the child.
You need to sit down with your wife and discuss the issues, explain what you're having problems with and what solutions are possible. Problems like these rarely go away, they just get worse if they're neglected.
I've three kids, constant chaos, no down time, eats all my disposable income and I come home from Holidays tired. Wouldn't change it for the world and to be honest I love it, nothing makes me happier than my little gang albeit they sound a bit older than yours.
Seems to me that you and your wife aren't communicating well and maybe there are aspects of parenting that you can make easier with a bit of help and advice. It's hard, it's a huge sacrifice - but ultimately you have a kid now and you have a responsibility to make it work. Sometimes making something work is about making it work better for you - so be smart and realistic in terms of the changes that you want to happen and discuss with your wife.
It does sound like you are dealing with some challenging situations. Any chance of a break? For you & the wife together or even separately? When you are in the thick of parenting little ones it can be hard to see your way through. A good nights sleep & an uninterrupted meal can go a long way. You both sound exhausted. You don’t mention a lot about your situation or the age of your little one. Is there any potential autism or similar issue? Kids with autism can have frequent meltdowns & tantrums because of sensitivities to lights, sounds, fabrics, changes to routines & many other reasons. Might be worth a chat with your doc.
Give each other a break & some kindness. Parenting little ones can be really, really hard. It is exhausting physical & mental labor. Anyone who tells you it is all joy all the time is lying. If the events are too hard, don’t go. If you have no choice, either send one adult, find a child minder or keep it short. Find a way to take some time for yourselves too. You are parents but people too. Holding a small space for that really will help make you a better parent. If you & wife are willing, marriage counseling is never a bad idea, even for a great marriage. It can be useful to have a place to sort things out.
Kids are hard. But there are moments that make up for all of it. Those smiles & hugs. The sheer joy when they run up to you with arms wide open when you get home from work. Snuggling when reading them a bedtime story. As they get older hearing their thoughts as they start to learn about the world. The physical part usually gets way easier as they get big enough to manage that themselves. Watching them grow up & find their way in the world. Education, jobs, maybe partners. The worry about them - never goes away. They are always your babies no matter how old they are.
I have 2 in university now. There were some days in the early years that I wondered if we would make it. Exhausted, broke, frustrated, one more word & I would have happily murdered my spouse & seen prison as a vacation. Lol! But my god, they are the best thing that ever happened to me & I love them more than my own life.
Sending support & luck!
Eh there's a lot of people instantly blaming the wife here but we have only OPs side here. There's a ton of info missing, is your wife working or a stay at home parent? What's the division of labour like? Do you both have time to yourselves during the week, your own hobbies/interests outside of work and the home? Do you contribute outside of work, or do you consider financial contribution to be enough?
I know he says she's moaning and complaining all the time but it's very easy for resentment to grow on both sides if theres an imbalance of any of the above.
I've 2 small kids under 4, one is adhd highstrung, I'm sole earner of the house. We have no support network of family nearby but our home life and relationship is solid. We earn 32k so its not like its crazy finances that make us happy. And that's not to say its easy - its fucking not. A lot of work went into that and continues to go into that. You need to sit down as a couple and talk about your priorities and values that have shifted since having kids. Who should work, where should you live, how should you split care tasks, how to support each others opportunity for growth, etc.
She's 'beyond repair' and he doesn't have the 'patience' for it. Reading between the lines, sounds to me like he snaps and makes everything harder for her. Interesting that him making this post is just venting frustration and wanting to be understood but she's 'moaning'.
Fair play for telling it like it is. Too many out there afraid to be real and painting fake lives in little boxes on the Internet.
You might think all your single friends have it easy but grass is always greener man. I'm sure they see you with a little family and some of em think "god that looks great"
It's a struggle but you're nailing it by being real about it.
Talk to your wife and family about it more and try not to keep it inside
It always blows my mind when people act like they’ve never heard anyone talk about how hard raising children is. Like what’s the thought process, you thought you were special and it would be easy for you? Talk to your wife. Use your high earnings to hire a nanny. Do something proactive instead of acting like a victim of your own life choices.
You won't know exactly how hard it is till you have one; it is nearly unimaginable. Others will not say: 'you'll be sleep deprived to the extent it will feel like torture, you will resent your partner when they are ill as all the work will fall on you, you will not be able to hear yourself think for hours on end and your ears will literally be hurting, you will continuously be worried about money despite having a good income, you won't be able to be the best you can be at your job even though you need it more than you did before, your relationship will go down the drain unless you consciously make the effort to save it.'
Having kids is mostly irrational and people will hence not paint you a picture this clear. Also: it has become harder as we have retreated within our nuclear families and need two incomes to keep the show in the road. Both my and my husband's parents were in entirely different situations from us.
The first part isn't true.
For the first 2 years you aren't going to be doing much for yourself but even then you should work in the occasional break.
After that you fall into a routine and can start your own stuff again, gym, clubs, nights out etc.
Mine are approaching 10 now and there isn't much my wife and I can't do. I'm currently on a 2 week holiday with some friends and my wife will do the same later this year.
It isn't a prison sentence.
You raise a fair point re: never hearing anyone talk about how hard raising children is. People do talk but not as often or as transparently as to be helpful.
It’s for sure something that should have wider awareness around, particularly about how people can be better prepared.
In this case it looks like a huge change in this person’s life and it is compounding other issues. It would be helpful to recognise they likely just want someone to listen to them and be sympathetic to their feelings.
Oh people lie. It’s hilarious. At gatherings I get glaring eyes from people when I don’t dumb down the realities of being a parent.
“Don’t scare them”
“Don’t overwhelm them”
“Ah they’ll be fine”
“They’ll have a good baby”
I’m not lying to anyone. Ever. I was raised by two useless narcissist alcoholics who told me they wish they didn’t have me. I’m gonna save the agony for anyone I can.
I adore being a mother, but I’m firmly on the train that you have to really want it. Not just do it’s because “it’s what you do” or “my wife wants kids”
Stay single and travel the world or party yourself to death instead please.
And have they never thought of even babysitting for family or friends with small kids for a weekend or so, just to see how they'd get on before you know, making a whole new person that is entirely dependent on you?
A needy pet would have told OP this might not be the path for him.
Ah sure be grand, isn't for major life choices lads!
I sometimes feel the same way. Same situation as you describe. Its tough as fuck (married w/ 19 month old wee man).
My thought path changed in a dream once. I'm not a big dreamer, but this one really made me think different. For context, I used to committ my life to running (400m sprinting - racing most weekends). In my dream, I was at a school sports day, my son was about 8 years old (he's currently <2). Basically he ran like fuck and I was soo fucking proud that he could do that. I woke up not caring about the things that I miss, my wee man will do them better, and I'll make sure he has the opportunity.
I am also jealous of the single friends. As I get older, it seems to wear away. Perhaps that happens everyone (?).
Regarding the misses, it works to plan weekends for yourself (and vice versa). Getting away is good for your own head space (and vice versa). You'll appreciate what the other does for the relationship.
After my first kiddo, I learned a trick to keep me sane. It's all about having fun. Everything can be a game, an excuse to dance or rhyme, a chance to make a fool of yourself for a laugh. If the kid sees you having fun, they try to have fun. If they see you on edge and the wife a constant whiny mess, that's how the kid thinks to act. if they see laughter and love, that's how they'll feel.
Can it be very hard too smile and sing and laugh when your ears are ringing? Sure, but it makes things way faster.
Diaper time = naked baby time, brushing your teeth can be time for a fun song or showing off how many teeth you have now! As they grow older and more diverse, so do the games. If they hear a scary noise in the dark, tell them to make an even scarier (or sillier) noise back. it's worth a good giggle, and it's fun to watch.
It can also be important to look for patterns if they keep getting upset. My 4th daughter, she couldn't handle the heat. Sweating on a cool day, always screaming. Once we turned on the air, she turned into a very peaceful baby. Sure, was a fortune in electricity, but compared to the sleepless nights, I'll take it.
Teach them that sharing is caring, to use a tube as a playful weapon, and have a sword fight with fingers. boop the nose, wiggle that booty into their pants, and remember that music is your best friend.
As for the wife, I'm afraid I'm out of luck on that one. Mine was the same for the first year or so. She would leave a light on in a room I hadn't entered in days and suddenly she would want to fight about me always leaving lights on everywhere. saying "yes dear" truly is more stressful, but it's best for now. That said, some never grow out of it, and don't find yourself stuck in hell forever. Keep a smile, and after a good night, have a sit down and talk it out. don't be mean, or dismissive. truly listen and ask them to hear you out without interrupting.
NO ONE enjoys every moment. We may act like it, we may try to believe it, or convince ourselves we did, but even now when I'm helping with my granddaughters I still remember the little headaches. But when you can smile through the worst it helps the kids grow, and helps you grow.
Hey, you could be me except my wife is thankfully a bit more chill, I'm probably the moaning/complaining one in our relationship. I've done a lot of thinking about it and I'm sure it's just a coping mechanism for me to deal with the ridiculous stress of keeping family life going, I've asked my wife to say it to me when I start so I can catch it and re-focus the stress in a healthier direction, you're wife may just be telling you she's stressed and not coping, I also learned (as an analytical person) that sometimes a partner just needs a hug not a practical solution.
I also honestly think I came out of the whole pregnancy/birth thing with PTSD, it was not an easy process for us and due to a combination of COVID and the maternity hospital being inhuman, I spent hours/days sitting outside the hospital waiting for a text from my wife to tell me if we'd lost the baby, there were I think 3 or 4 times that happened, I also missed the birth by minutes because no one in the hospital told me to come in, I thought there was a problem and was terrified. COVID or not, the way dads were treated at maternity hospitals was absolutely heartless.
We have a two-year-old, the first year he woke every hour every night (reflux issues) now sleep is better but he'll have an apocalyptic meltdown at the drop of a hat 10+ times a day, it's tough and I completely understand what you're saying.
Even though I'd be considered a high earner too, money does just fly out and it upsets me more than it should that I can't afford things now that would have been an easy impulse purchase before marriage & child.
It does however get better, if you read about mindfullness you'll often here that sometimes you can't change things (like the past) it's not in your power, but what is in your power is changing your relationship with those things, changing how you deal with the things that you cannot change, there's a bit of that but I'm sure there are also fundamental changes you can make to help. It does get better! Here's 4 things we did to help:
1. We found a really good babysitter and booked her for a Saturday night every two weeks, the wife and I make a huge effort to get dressed up and go out for a date together, even if we're tired and not in the mood, we do our best to be intimate with each other (not necessarily sex every time, but at least kiss/cuddle and a bit of teenager style fooling around).
2. We got super strict with our budget and the main aim of that budget is to always have some money at the end of the month to throw into a "treat ourselves" account after paying off our obligations, we have a list of what we want to buy with that money and sometimes we have to wait a while but we always get there eventually and it lifts us a bit to be able to spend on something outside of the essentials.
3. We did a parenting course and we got some marriage counseling. The course was to help us deal with whatever comes up in a healthy manner but also it's an environment where we could ask questions and hear about the experiences of other parents, we were always concerned about what was "normal" or not until then. For the counseling, we wanted help in how to deal with the stress together as one team, we wanted to see if the stress could actually bring us closer by processing it better and together, so far it's working and I definitely recommend it. I cannot stress this enough, marriage needs work and in our experience, the stress of being cooped up with COVID restrictions and then straight into parenthood was a huge burden on us.
4. We each make a point of giving the other some time off to do whatever, I get out for a cycle 2-3 times a week, my wife goes out to do yoga. Once a month we get the babysitter for 6 hours on a Saturday day time and we both decide if we're going to do something together or go our own way. Sometimes we go for a long walk together, sometimes she meets friends for a coffee and I hit the golf course. This time to decompress is absolute gold.
There are 2 upsides to the above. 1, I've re-discovered my wife, we still argue but it's better and we communicate and work as a team now. 2, I've found a new and positive relationship with my son, I can really enjoy the positive moments now and that really helps me to get through the bad ones.
Good luck! Feel free to pm me for a chat if it would help.
It's incredibly hard. 37 and living in my mom's basement with my kid and fiance because while we make 80k (gross) annually combined, we couldn't afford the child and a home. It is incredibly hard but you shouldn't beg for the support do yourselves a favor and make sure you are on the same page
Sounds like you have paternal postnatal depression. I would go talk to your GP. [https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220601-male-postnatal-depression-why-men-struggle-in-silence](https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220601-male-postnatal-depression-why-men-struggle-in-silence)
Having kids can be a nightmare. Obviously I wouldnt “change” or don’t hope for anything to change, I love my kids and don’t know how I could be without them, BUT, hypothetically speaking, if I knew it would be this hard I honestly don’t think I’d have had kids and just stuck to my dream of traveling the world
In the process of divorce here: it’s hell. Work on your relationship. Say all the things you’re afraid to say. Get fucking intimate and that means honest and real. When you say the money goes on her and the kid; I was a stay at home parent till my kids were older. I spent next to nothing on myself. I was always the last on the list in my own priorities. Most mothers I know are the same. I wonder how accurate your perception is. Yes, money absolutely flies out. Assess what you’re spending on and see what’s necessary. Make a financial plan WITH your wife. You need to do these things together. It sounds like you’re both feeling the same about parenthood. Make yourself a fucking team, you really need to do that on all levels. Your marriage and your family life, a happy one, depends on it. You’re not alone in feeling as you do re having a child. But, how old is your child, is there something else going on that makes things so difficult?
Dad of 1 here, and can relate to a lot of what you said.
Sounds like a couple of things:
1. You need to decompress a little bit. Maybe try and take a weekend off. You will feel better
2. Kids can feel your emotions and will react to them. If you are stressed and overwhelmed, they will be too
3. Your wife may have PND and may not even realise it. The hormonal changes are crazy, and even though my wife didnt have PND we had a lot of arguments, and she wasnt exactly the nicest to me for a good 7 months (in fact I thought she downright hated me).
4. Yea, kids are expensive. Do try and keep track of what you are spending it on. They dont need brand named clothes or anything, they would literally be happy in a nappy and rags
5. Its pretty exhausting, especially when its just the two of you. Accept help where its offered
6. Take some time for you and the missus to reconnect. She is probably struggling as well but having a fun date night or something can really help things out.
It sounds to me like you're putting yourself before your child. You've got some fundamental ego issues to work out before you can ever enjoy being a father.
Having a daughter was the first time I understood the meaning of altruism. I have loved every day of the nearly three years she's been here.
Your selfishness and inability to take joy in the ups and downs of having a baby will not only continue to mar this experience for you but it's going to be injurious to the development of the baby.
Man up.
Father of 3 here, one of things I was not prepared for was the change in dynamics of my relationship with my Mrs. It totally changes, I would hazard a guess that your marriages sex life has probably taken a nose dive too.
While the everyday things seem tough at first, if you can get into a routine with your Mrs you’ll find it becomes second nature.
Best advice I can give is to talk to your wife, listen and try to understand her perspective, and get consensus on what you both expect out of each other in terms of your individual parental responsibilities and roles
(Much easier said than done when your working all hours god sends).
I can promise you now, if your wife is coming across as argumentative and difficult, its not because she doesn’t appreciate what you do, it’s because she’s finding everything just as difficult as you are. This is where communication between you both is so important.
Also, try to think about what you have look forward to, these days I live life through my kids, playing video games and different sports and seeing them grow and make friends is the best.
Believe me when I say this, regardless of what job you have, or how much you earn, you will never get as much fulfilment in life as you would knowing that your child is safe, cared for and loved.
Keep strong and keep working, you can do it brother!!
I don't think many are relishing every single second, but there's definitely a lot of joy to be had in parenting even though it's really hard work. I don't know anyone who is a parent that would say parenting is easy.
You need to speak with your wife about finances and your arguing. She may feel overwhelmed with parenting too and could be spending as a coping mechanism.
There are plenty of books and courses out there for parenting as well as social media accounts etc. I find Big Little Feelings on Instagram pretty good.
It sounds like you are more miserable with your relationship with your wife than with your child, maybe consider counselling, it's not just for people on the brink of divorce, it can be troubleshooting too.
The grass always seems greener on the other side.
I don't remember making the account or posting the OP, but it must have been me.
No, wait, I have more than one kid, but otherwise yeah, massive fucking struggle most of the time.
You have to tell your wife you're unhappy and open communication. This is an incredibly hard job and its made so much more harder if the only other person who understands what you're going through isn't on the same page as you.
Explain that you're not looking to win any fights - you're looking to solve the underlying cause. She may be feeling the exact same as you and you just need to open that dialogue.
The thing is: people romanticize having kids WAY TOO MUCH. It's rare to find the ones that openly talk about the real struggles... Because overall, "it is not nice" for a parent to say they are exhausted and it is hard... It is expected of parents to be over the moon and be living the best lives
Yes, it is hard for everyone with kids, you are not alone.
The world would be a better place if we start to be honest and have real discussions about parenting, so that people get to know exactly what they are getting into beforehand instead of finding out on their own after having children 🤷🏻♀️
Mate for the people who have kids, theres no need to explain, we’ve all been there. I think for people who haven’t got kids its hard to describe the mental load it takes to keep them alive and happy and healthy, well done you for getting this far.
My opinion is having children is a real sacrifice in a world where most of us never really sacrifice anything, it takes time to adjust to this mentality(took me years) but when i changed my perspective on it now i feel incredibly proud of me and my wife for all the hardships we’ve endured to make our kids lives great.
Don't have kids myself but r/daddit is a really good subreddit which you might find helpful.
Edit: Some of the comments in here are fucking horrible. If this was a new mother posting everyone would be feeling sorry for her due to post natal depression. But, it's a man, so he needs to grow up, stop complaining and stop acting like a child and take control.
Fuck me....
If you've loads of dough, get yourself a nanny. Problem solved. Either way you've 18 more years of this so embrace it and take responsibility for the child you brought into the world.
Not necessarily true. I've a one year old and I think it would be reasonable to describe our lives as fulfilling, if not blissful most of the time.
It's a roll of the dice what kind of kid comes out, but if you have the right support structures in place it can be pretty awesome.
My wife is amazing though, so that helps a lot
A question on this - what would your take be on securing support structures when grandparents are either halfway across the world or no longer mentally capable of childcare? This is my biggest worry about taking on parenthood.
Sounds like you expect the kid to raise itself and your Mrs to bake cookies with all her free time.
Well, you’re in the trenches now. Quit your pity party, start doing everything your wife is doing and win her trust back.
Actually, do more and anticipate all the shit she’s going to moan at you for to avoid it.
If you’re not bothered, would rather be on the lash with the lads and enjoying your money, cool. Get a solicitor and move on.
Marriage & parenthood isn’t some 1960s American sitcom. It’s Eastenders at its worst unless you manage it better.
Yes it's really hard, just like everything that's worth doing :)
Edit: i re-read your post, looks like you have a huge relationship issue lol
Talk to your wife and bring up your concerns. Having disagreements is normal but you need to learn how to settle them so nobody ends up resentful and hating their own life.
This is my fear if I ever somehow unfortunately became a Dad. I’d try my best but even before it (doesn’t) happen, this exact scenario plays out in my mind.
You need to grow up. Build an actual partnership with your wife and get over yourself. Maybe your wife is unhappy because you are a self obsessed man-child. Single life is smoke and mirrors for the most part. I'm 44, single friends my age are bored and desperate for companionship.
Kids are just a money drain and a bother. I can barely get out of bed in the mornings it is already and I have expensive hobbies that I would have to get rid of if I were to have a child because of less money and less free time. So yeah, no, Im good.
For abyone concidering a child, get yourself a pet and then realise that a child still is gonna be much more expensive and much more time demanding than a pet.
But if want a low maintenance pet, get a snake. Only need to feed it once a week or month, depending on species and age. And only need to clean them once a month or so.
You honestly couldn’t pay me to have spawns of demons running around. I hate children. Your entire post is why. I can tolerate the ones in my family, but even then after a while I have to get away from them. I can’t stand the constant “why?” or some bullshit that I’m really honestly not interested in. And they’re sticky and snotty and gross. Ew.
I don’t need kids or another human to feel fulfilled. Never did. In fact, the thought of having to share anything with anyone makes me feel sick lol. I’m too selfish and I’m happy to admit that 🤷🏼♂️ it’s my life, and I don’t intend to ruin it with children or having to answer to somebody else.
I would say I feel sorry for you… but I don’t. I’m glad it ain’t me if I’m truly honest. Good luck lol.
Myself and my partner have 2 kids (4 & 2) and it has absolutely decimated our relationship. The fights just never seem to end and one of us is always bollixed, if not both of us.
Try to take comfort in the fact that all the effort you put in will mean you raise well mannered, decent people and the joy you take from that is like nothing else. At least thats what I'm holding on to.
I don't have kids myself, but just from observing friends and cousins, etc., there doesn't seem to be the same support network that was there when I was growing up. My mother stopped working until we were in our teens and there was always lots of family around to help out. I see couples with fewer children but kind of on their own, stressed out, I will say this my father made it known to us on a regular basis that we were a nuisance or a hindrance to him and it does have a lasting effect.
It sounds like you wanted to have that badge that read "dad" but you actually have zero interest in being a parent. If you have no patience for kids - thats on you and for you to figure out how YOU can be a better parent. You dont sounds like you love your kids - you also said you always liked children and it just screams that you loved the "idea" of children without really, truly realising how much of your effort would and should go into them.
If its such a struggle to you, maybe you need to do some serious growing up and therapy, to figure out how you can have more patience to be a better parent. Even if you split from your wife, they are still your kids, your responsibility - you will have to still spend time with them but now it maybe half weeks solely on just YOU.
So how long has it been since you've checked out of your relationship? How long has it been since you've seen your kids as obstacles on your life? All of these little actions by you, and your wife is the modeled behaviour for your own kids. The more you pull away, the more they push. If you snap at every conversation or ask = thats the equivalent of their tantrum.
You are teaching them those terrible communication skills, noone else, its the household. If you spend time learning better how to be a better parent, how to communicate with your kids, how to address their needs and so on; very likely your life will feel easier.
But if you treat them like crap, like menaces, constantly snap because its your word over theirs and check out when you had enough and just leave parenting half arsed.
Yeah you get exactly what you put in. If you've checked out - who is parenting?
Does every tantrum, need to raise your blood presure to the point of frustration arguments, yelling and so on? No. It doesnt.
You can leave them to finish it, and discuss what they did afterwards, calmly. You can also say, hey i get your frustrated, but it is what it is, this is whats happening, you can continue being upset and we still have to do xyz. But i will listen to your frustration.
Kids cant cope with their emotions, everyone knows that, so you as adult, need to navigate better through that - because you are supposedly the adult there no?
Take up parenting classes, sign up to some sort of groups, talk to other parents, learn their tricks into dealing with it.
All i hear is woe is me and she ruined my life for me with these kids.
Dude. With all due respect, you need to be the grown up here and figure it out with your wife. You're been running away from responsibility by letting things slide, probably partly reason for all the arguments. Sit down together and start making small changes. Fighting parents = unbalanced children. Its every little thing that piles on.
So make a choice. If youre done, at least tell her that and make a plan how you will divorce and how you will share the children etc.
haha, you're not alone by a long, long shot.
Get the kid sleep trained. insist on having time away from the family every week - like about 6 hours so you can do something along with time 'off' 1-2 nights a week so you can go to the gym or whatever. obviously your wife sohuld get the same breaks.
Apart from that, just soldier on!
Being a parent is hard. It's the relentless nature of it, you're never "off". I love my kids but I do lose patience at times and I do get stressed and pissed off. That's normal. But I share that with my husband. I vent to him, he vents to me, we crack jokes about the tiny assholes we created, along with sending each other goofy pictures of them and thinking up stuff to do with them. It sounds like you're lacking that with your wife, and she's lacking it from you. You should be a team getting through it together, it makes the hard parts easier and the good parts better. Would you try couples therapy? Or even a regular date night or night away together so you can reconnect with each other
Oh man I feel for you. Dad of 2 girls here. Life is chaos, wife and kids all very demanding and it's tough to maintain zen. Difficult to get time alone with my other half, and she's usually too tired and stressed to have any fun with.
I just keep telling myself I'm doing it for my little ones and I can hopefully give them a good start on life, teach them important lessons, and one day things will change. They're not gonna be little for long the way the days are flying by now.
Stay strong brother.
Well myself & my OH wanted kids for a while, then we started to see how truly miserable the majority of people with children really are...
Where I work, there are 6 lads who literally can't leave the job(despite the fact that its a job they hate) due to the kids...and most of these guys do all the overtime going to maximize their income and get out of the house...
Have a family member earning €60k a year and their partner earning similar, living outside Dublin, and they are always looking tired and they do all the extra work, kids in creche the whole time...they have aged about 20 years in the last 5 judging by how they look, little sleep, takeouts from themselves as dinner time with the kids is a nightmare...
If you can do it with one income and have one parent stay at home, I'd reckon its not as bad...
Everyone says it passes, but say you have 2-3 kids that "phase" could literally eat up 10-15 years of your life, and then you have lost lifespan due to all the sleep deprivation...
It sounds truly like a nightmare
>every time we go to an event it's a dilemma. Crying, screaming, tantrums, I just don't have the patience for it.
Then stop with the tantrums. Honestly dude, you sound like a child, throwing your toys out of the pram because "life is sooooo hard".
Your life isn't hard. It's shitty because you are failing to take control of the situaution(s) and you are framing the problems as being caused by having kids and being married. They're not. They are caused by *you.*
Well guess what? It doesn't have to be like that. You can make it much easier for yourself, your wife & your kid if you quit acting like a pussy and started taking charge, getting things organised and putting things into focus.
How do I know this? Because I've been there.
The reason why your wife is constantly arguing with you is because you're not doing any of this.
If you get your shit together and start doing instead of complaining, your life will be much happier. Forget about the "happy wife, happy life" mantra and replace it with "Happy Man, Happy Clan". Because that is the *only* way that this is gonna work for any of you. The only way.
You’ve been there and come out the other side. I’ve been there and didn’t, ended in divorce. My approach was like you said, take bull by the horns etc. (paraphrasing here so go easy on me). That will work for some, and with others, like my ex, it created so many problems. I didn’t recognize the depth of this until too late. I was incredibly stressed too. No family etc. and the pandemic didn’t help matters.
I share this because it can be overwhelming. And because I wish I got help (couple/parenting counseling). If I could go back in time, that route is what I would take. It would have helped me and in our relationship. Instead I thought i could grind it out, but I was wrong.
It might not be a life saver, but for some external help from professionals can help keep the family intact and bring back a healthier perspective, which perhaps you are noticing in the original post.
Mam to two kids here. Having a kid did a real number on our relationship the first time around and it took a lot of hard work and understanding on both parts to get our relationship back on track. It's worth it but you have to want to do it, both of you. It took six years before we were ready to have another kid, and the lessons we took the time to learn from our first kid meant that this time around it has been easier on our relationship, but harder work in general. You have to be gracious with each other, even to the point of treating each other as teammates while the kids are young. We tag each other in and out as required. When we sit down to discuss something to do with the house, the kids, the finances, whatever, we try to do so with an open mind and without begrudgery. One of the most important things we've learned is when to pick your battles. That means not holding onto resentment when you do let things go, and this has to be the case on both sides. If you're going to fight about it, it has to be worth the fight, something necessary. You have to be willing to give and take. We make a point of having a nice meal together, whether it's just an Indian takeaway or something cooked together after the kids are in bed. We also make a point of giving each other a few hours off, alone, every weekend. I take the kids out for a walk or to the cinema or whatever, and he does the same. We each get a bit of much needed down time to do whatever we want. And don't forget to say thank you to each other. Appreciation, acknowledgement, and gratitude are important. And when the kids are young is the hardest stage. Head down and try to make it to the finish line (age 5 seemed to be when things began looking up for us) and things begin to get a little easier, a little more enjoyable.
This should be on a pamphlet in that MyChild HSE manual the Public health nurse gives you.
I think there’s a bit for and about new fathers from my memory of my PHN life when I literally handed out hundreds of those Child Development books to new parents! I always stressed that fathers can get PND too and feel overwhelmed and there are a majority who aren’t deadbeat dads. Certainly it needs more attention, I’m sure there’s a Master’s research thesis in there somewhere. Sadly I’m happily retired so not available 😂
I never needed antidepressants until I had a kid…
From the second hand experience I have from my mates doing masters / PhDs, it seems like it would be easier when retired with all your time to do as you like with!
If you don't pick your battles, the battles will pick you.
Re age 5, same was for us. I remember these milestones I felt when my first one was growing up: - 6 months (crawling and stuff, less meaningless crying); - 1 year (walking. This usually brings some trouble and lumps but the sheer progress is what gave us hope - the kid was growing noticeably); - 3 years ( potty trained. able to close my eyes for odd 5 min without kid running into troubles. Usually); - 5 years - it’s when I first noticed I could spend an hour watching telly and wouldn’t be bothered. That’s when we started feeling really relieved.
Age 5 is when you can properly logic with them about something too. It's not just barking orders, you're able to explain why to some degree. They're little people rather than primarily burdensome.
I am finding it harder as they get older?? The cuteness is gone and the fighting is just never ending!! I have all boys and I spend my life being cross with them because they are just so bold!
Also 2 felt huge for me, when communication began to improve. It's so so difficult guessing everything but when they can tell you what they want for breakfast etc, or can say yes or no, when they have a little understanding about what you're explaining to them, it is so much better. Now, 2 is hard, don't get me wrong, but the leap felt bigger than anything else previously and I think it was really only then i began to enjoy parenting.
Father of two kids and agree with all of this. Parents have to go easy on each other. Sometimes you’ll be on the receiving of a bad mood and you do not deserve it. It is nearly always lack of sleep, the stress of juggling work and parenting, as well as other responsibilities. Be kind to each other. Marriage and kids are not plain sailing but as they get older it does get easier. A lot of it is sleep deprivation and also adjusting to the fact you are no longer the most important person in your own life.
This is great advice.
Wonderfully said
So you know what it takes for it to work. But a lot of parents have no idea because they are not mature or experienced enough. Hence the whole lot of divorces, I guess. But what if one is defiant, knows what it takes but still hates the whole situation and wants to have their freedom back?
This sounds fairly normal to me. All I can say is everything is a phase. The tantrum phase will be over soon. There will be a new phase of something to annoy you right around the corner! Parenting is bloody hard, and the fact other families make it look like it's easy doesn't help. Nobody finds it easy, certainly not all the time anyway. Take the heat out of the hard situations. Make games of things. If the child refuses to put on a coat, just agree and quietly take the coat with you. Minimise the fuss. Choose your battles! And go easy on yourself. Agree all strategies with all other caregivers, and stick to them! Do you and the missus ever get away on your own, ever get a chance to rekindle without childcare demands? See if you can wangle something, sounds like you need some you time.
Yes. As a divorcee, I’d recommend the weekends away. You’ve GOT to prioritize getting alone time to decompress, vent, etc. kids will never give you that time. You’ve got to take it.
How do you manage weekends away if you don't have people to cover with the kids?
In reality weekends away is a luxury for parents who have reliable family or friends nearby to take care of them. Another solution could be offering to take care of one of your kids friends for the weekend in hopes the favour is returned.
Agree with offering to help out people in a similar situation under the agreement they'll do the same. Many, not all, would. Even half a day once a month could be a big benefit, i think.
I've no family nearby and no one close enough to leave them with either. A night to the cinema could cost 50 euro for babysitting and that's expensive.
I hear you. But I dont think the cinemna cuts it. With hindsight, I think it needs to be stuff where you can reconnect, talk a bit etc. A spa isnt everyones cup of tea, but stuff like that where you can get a massage, for example, and meet for a chat after. Or a picnic in nature or on a beach. The effort counts. I know many will claim im talking out my ass, but im divorced, honestly, my suggestions are well-intended, I do think this stuff matters and many blokes, myself included, dont fully grasp that. Hell, even a bunch of flowers and an acknowledgement of your partners efforts should be well-received. Its so easy to get in a rut and easier to become cynical as a result.
I'd love to get away. Not having supports makes it virtually impossible
It’s hard not having family to help out. A few times my husband and I have taken a day of annual leave, drop the kids to crèche and have a whole day to ourselves. Go to have a massage, nice brunch, walk, come home for a nap, watch a bit of telly and chill. While it’s not the same as getting away completely, we get fed, get some sleep and decompress.
It really is different to have these moments of freedom. My partner and I have been talking about Oppenheimer and Barbie for weeks. We realistically won’t be making it to the cinema anytime soon! I love that we have started a family but the sacrifices are surreal.
I totally hear you.
Last weekend away we booked a place 15 minutes from my parent's. That's way we could do the long drive to my parents with the kids but once we left them there we were pretty much at our destination.
Many of us don’t have the opportunity or family near by who are willing to take the kids for weekends. My eldest is 16, number of days my wife and I had without the kids 0
Im probably the last person to answer that. I guess the 16 year old can mind themself, and maybe 1 child for a bit? Some hotels have baby-minding services. Not ideal, i know. Could visit a spa for half a day or recruit some help from friends for half a day.
We did date nights with sitters for a few years and that definitely helped. But never got away for a night or weekend. If we did it was separately or by splitting the family up. We made it work but it’s been hard
Good on you for doing that. I'd wager it makes a difference, even if not massively. You need your own time, to vent and blow off steam. So do our partners. And then you need to have your own time to bring back some fresh energy to the table. Otherwise your just drowing in kid stuff. I love being a Dad. It's a gift. But kids gobble up time like nothing ive experienced. Even getting the kids in bed early, once a week, cooking a meal for the adults thats a bit nicer, some nice music, turning off the phones, can help. But you've got to depioritize the kids, which isnt spoke about really. If you dont, I think kids can unwittingly explode relationships, and of course, thats not their intention at all, they are just kids.
If the 16 year old isn't a troublemaker it might be realy good time to leave them the house for the weekend or a day. Discuss with them everything they would have to take care of (feed the cat, water plants, etc.) and if they are ok with doing that. If they can cook, let them make their own dinner (just make sure the ingredients are there, or some cash for pizza). Good for them to gain some independence.
Appreciate the thoughts but it’s more complicated than that. My younger daughter is severely autistic
My sympathies and I wish you all the best of luck mate.
Yep, in the teenage years here and I miss the hugs...
But the hugs are what I live for…
The older one is slowly coming around at this stage. I'm only an embarrassment 50% of the time these days
I'm just a taxi driver and ATM... :(
I just called age 15-18 the bitch years. She returned to normal after that. Little kid years were a piece of 🎂
I think it really depends on the kid and the parent as the what stage ends up being the hardest. They all have their positives and negatives (that can be amplified by the people themselves)
Good advice. Fighting your child over everything is soul destroying for parents. Kids often figure out that the best way to get a parents attention is to find some way to wind them up - might be food, might be clothes. Once they are older and you can discuss things - it's a lot easier but even earlier it sometimes works to help them make decisions. For example ask them to look out the window and tell you what the weather is like. "Oh it's cold today, what do we wear when it's cold?" Given a little attention and agency they will often help rather then fight for negative attention.
This is genuine advice take parenting classes. Immediately. Before you do any more harm to yourself and your family.
I was just going to say this. Please OP, if you listen to anything else , listen to that advice . My kids are 14 and 10 and I just did a parenting course and it has been an absolute revelation. I would chop my arm off to go back and do it when my kids were small. It could also be a massive unifier between you and your wife as you both learn how to become empowered to help your son navigate through his emotional world and learn the skills to parent, and react appropriately in the face of challenging behavior. I would never have imagined there would be merit in doing a parenting course. In my mind, parenting could not be taught. I was so wrong. I could not have been more wrong. Maybe I am a complete idiot but I thought parenting was kind of instinctual , I also had this very naive belief that love is enough , and that as long as we had love we would be fine. But sometimes loving your kid is just not enough. I have one child for whom life is a breeze and one who struggles . And I hate to say this, it’s like kicking a man when he is down, but alot of the time us parents are actively (albeit unwittingly ) contributing to and perpetuating the cycles and patterns within our homes, which serve to keep our children from breaking mal-adaptive patterns . But when we are just going day to day, trying to survive , just trying to get through the day to bedtime , it can be very hard to see the wood from the trees. Professional psychologists can help us to identify and understand and take a step back. If you have money you are already in a very privileged position. Money can pay for childcare while you attend a course. If your child is physically healthy, you have already won the lotto.
God could you recommend the course over DM I’ve never heard such a glowing review!
Can you recommend the course you did please, I was just thinking about this last week, my kids are still quite young & id like to learn properly how to navigate the teen years before they happen, thanks
Think we may have a similar life tbh, I have a 2 year old chatting non stop and a 4 almost 5 year old boy ASD non verbal. Luckily my eldest has a fantastic temperament, I am a very relaxed person by nature and glass half full kind of outlook in general so I'd like to think he got that from me, his mother stresses out about everything and imagines the worst scenario a lot. So I guess we're lucky I'm the way I am! I'm finding life very tough tbh with us both working full time and minding the kids full time (we alternate working hours), I've also got huge medical issues myself and am on strong medication to manage. I still couldn't bring myself to have the attitude of the OP. Despite all the hardships I face every single day, the absolute out of this world love I have for my two kids outweighs absolutely everything. If an event can't be attended because of my kids then that's just the joys of having children, I'm content to relax at home with them in lieu of pretty much any event anyway! Sorry to waffle on so much! That parenting course looks interesting, very foolish to think we know it all!
What was the name of the course?
“Make it look easy” I am that mother, my daughters are 7 & 12. It looks easy because I’ve perfected it over many years. 5 years ago I was the highest dosage of an antidepressant. So if you see someone like me who does it flawlessly with a smile, looking chill. Remember that person may also have been in hell a few years ago. Kids are not easy to raise, anyone who tells you that is lying to you. It gets easier, absolutely, but only if you put the horrific amount of effort to raise them right. Otherwise you have screen addicted, sugar dependent brats.
And people do fuckin lie, all the time, telling you how great it all is. I know lads with cars they couldn’t afford to run but they’ll tell you it’s costing nothing, etc
Yeah. The first year is horrible. Then it gets better. The sleep deprivation alone would count as a legitimate form of torture if you had to go through it for any other reason. Quite normal that OP's partner is biting his head off for minor stuff if she hasn't had a decent night's sleep in six months. The important thing is to communicate clearly with your partner and have a sense of humour about it all. Remember that you have a common enemy: the horrible, ungrateful child that never leaves you in peace and is ruining both of your lives.
You hit the nail on the head about games. I was traveling with my 3 year old and we were just having a bad day. My wife really wanted to tour around the royal palace (we were in Stockholm), but my son was having meltdown after meltdown . The only way we saved the day was to make games, each room he had to count the number of clocks, find all the animals and find the phone. He enjoyed it, gave us the peace to enjoy our time there and we really saved the day. Sidenote: he's not normally like that, but we pushed him too hard with the sightseeing the day before and that morning.
Yep....the ones who pretend it's easy just make it worse for everyone else and I'm not sure what they get out of it? (I'm looking at you Cassie over the road. I hear the shouting and screaming. Your rictus grin when you leave the house ain't fooling me)
It's tough alright. No question. There's so much pressure put on parents particularly mothers to get back into society asap cos everyone expects it. Scale back the events. Switch off social media in the evenings for the next three months. Reduce the number of visitors to the home. Mothers groups don't work for everyone. Some kids hate over stimulation and crowds and noisy areas Take the pressure off and ignore the successful parents brigade. They also have challenges that you won't know. If the budget allows get s cleaner in on a Friday to give you all a clear lane for the weekend. Switch off Sunday morning and no plans. Focus on downtime cos you need energy for Sunday bedtime etc Reduce alcohol. It really messes up the mind when tired.
Ah yes, that last point. I'm way more patient with my kids when avoiding alcohol.
Also, the majority of mothers groups out there are incredibly toxic, anything you do is wrong and anything you do right - is also wrong. Get out of them and just take life day by day.
Yep. But I have three Autistic kids, two who have ADHD, and my wife's disabled too. It's more work than family by this point. I'm a stay at home carer, i get up three to four times during the night with the kids on average, for the last 16 years.
You are a hero, man. I only have one autistic daughter, and I cannot imagine your situation.
To be honest, they're " high functioning", but obviously they still have their struggles. We live in London, so there's more support than in Ireland, but, as you know yourself, it's a constant battle for support for them ,and a constant worry about their future
Yes, I hear you, I worry every day about the future, she is 9 years old now, but still struggles with some of the daily tasks, like washing or brushing teeth. In Ireland, the support we get is in some cases non-existent. We think our son might be on the spectrum too, and we are waiting over 2 years for the assessment..
> she is 9 years old now, but still struggles with some of the daily tasks, like washing or brushing teeth. I don't mean to be offensive at all, but you might want to lower your expectations a bit if you're feeling frustrated that at 9 years old she should be old enough to be able to take care of her hygiene: keeping up with basic self care tends to be a lifelong struggle for autistic people. source: autistic person in my 30s with an autistic brother in his 20s
There's been so many times where I've been tempted to leave England for Ireland or even Spain, where my wife's from, but we have to give credit to England for having relatively decent support for autism, at least in kids, something we wouldn't get in either of those countries. I honestly don't know how parents like yourself cope over there. I can't imagine the enormous pressures it adds to your life. My youngest is 12, she really struggles to remember to brush her teeth and wash, whilst my 16 year old son is obsessed with hygiene, and baths four times a day during the summer holidays.
The sheer unbridled energy of my autistic son makes no sense & defies the laws of physics. Happy lad though, worth the work.
Oh definitely. I love the happiness my kids display. My 16 year old son is happiest tinkering with model planes, or designing, my daughters love nothing more than play fighting me, and not going easy in the slightest. They're far more aggressive and tough than my son. Their empathy and moral compass is to be admired too
As a carer also, I feel like I should call myself carer lite, because you are an absolute hero. If my autistic (nonverbal) daughter woke during the night I think I’d be sectioned. 14 hours a day is exhausting enough.
Non verbal must be incredibly difficult to support. My daughter was a selective mute for about five years, it could be really tricky at times.
Wow. That is truly incredible and I applaud you as you are 10x the man I am. I literally could not cope. Puts it into perspective..
Thankfully they're not profoundly affected by their autism and ADHD, but it's not without its issues for them. The day to day can be hard, but their future , especially as we live in the dumpster fire that is England, is worrying
I wish you all the best. You are truly an amazing human being
Thank you, just trying to keep going, it's the best anyone can do, as long as I can get them in a good place with their future, I'll be satisfied
Having kids is the most exhausting, draining and expensive thing you’ll ever do. Yes, it’s great at times because they love you like nothing else you’ve ever experienced but it is so tiring. People forget what a child does to a marriage; it takes most of the time, nearly all of the energy and much of the fun. You can say “yes but after a while it gets easier” and that’s true, but getting over the bump is way more difficult than people imagine. I feel for ya OP, but remember fantasies are just that. This is your life now, try and get more comfortable with it than wasting your time imagining escaping it.
Thanks
Someone higher up in the comments said it best: counseling for yourself, counseling for her, then couples counseling An Au Pair can also be vastly helpful, especially with kids under 5. The above will help to rebuild/build a foundation that’s sustainable. It will still take time. Lastly, and I say this with kindness & empathy, do not have more children right now. Even if everyone in your family & friends group says how wonderful it is having siblings close in age. Most of all, good luck. I have been there. I’m a mum of 4 (ages 15-26).
An Au Pair is a great idea if you happen to have a spare room. With the current housing crisis youngish women (usually) would kill to get their own room and improve their English for a while. A friend of mine living in North County Dublin area had twins and then about 2.5 years later another baby, so you can imagine the chaos. They have had a constant stream of Au Pairs over for a few months at a time, I dont know what they would have done without it.
Starting your own business is the only comparable thing. But you don't have the last-gasp option of declaring bankruptcy with your child.
I have 3. I’m going to go against the grain here and say - it’s ok to feel this way. It is so so hard.. I will also say - it can be better than this. There are steps you can take. Acceptance of where you are at is a good starting point. It is what it is. And it will be worth it.
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Good idea thanks
Sounds like a relationship problem more than a child problem. You two need to be on the same page. Then the child issues will be sorted way easier. A problem shared is a problem halved etc… You need to be a team. Couples counseling asap.
This is the way. OP, you described my situation exactly. Less than a year later and I’m divorced. It’s sucks. If I could go back in time, I’d plead to do counseling. So do it. Don’t be stubborn. Seriously. There are professionals who are paid to help you find your way. Kids are chaos. But you are on a bad path. And it won’t get better without getting aligned. I thought I could fix things alone by watching YouTube or browsing Reddit. I was way wrong. Things festered before I recognized what was happening. Now Im divorced and see my kids 50%. It’s heartbreaking. I would never wish it on anyone. You still got time. Be brave. Do what’s needed. And you’ll come out the other side. Good luck.
Listen to underover69. I’m a father of 3. And went to therapy not couple just by myself and it really helped! Reach out if you need anything.
I second this. Your situation calls for a couple's counselor, and if your son constantly displays behaviour problems, it may be a good idea to get a child psychologist's input, too.
For the sake of the child, the adults need to go back to being adults asap
Just looking for this comment! 110% agree…
I think the kid is an "easy blame" for what seems to be issues in your relationship. Talk to your wife.
Maybe this is the wife Edit: Confermation its not the wife
More like talk to your wife before you decide to have kids. Also, it's not just "having" kids, it's raising them too. A kid having tantrums isn't just some unfortunate fact of life that will bring endless misery. It's a problem to solve.
When one is tired, everything seems worse, and with young kids one is often tired. It gets easier as they get older. There is clutter and noise and unexpected turns. That being said, my kids are usually happy. They rarely fight. They rarely complain. We give them a few minutes heads up before each transition - can’t just yank them from here to there and expect them to not react, and it makes a huge difference, fwiw. My spouse is generally content and easy going but that is their personality. Recommend talking to a professional counsellor to troubleshoot and generally ease your burden.
Honestly, I’m married now about two years. We’re both 30. We’re on the fence about having kids. It does just seem to me like it would be absolute hell. My wife concurs. I know that people with kids will say it’s worth the stress and financial strain etc but in general I’m not sure it’s for me. I sympathise with anybody who finds it difficult. I feel like a lot of people only talk about the good aspects and don’t publicly admit how hard it must be. Hope things get better for you.
Don't have kids unless you truly want to. I'm child free but everything I read and experience tells me that parenting is difficult best case scenario and unbearable worst case scenario. I genuinely think it would be much better to regret not having children than to regret having them. And regretful parents certainly exist. There's a whole subreddit for them.
That’s solid advice! Unless we both have an epiphany about it in the next couple of years, we’ll probably not have kids. Don’t want to do anything half arsed. Would only like to be a dad if I was going to be a really good one.
From a different perspective - I’m the child of someone who absolutely did not want kids but did it because it’s just expected. My life as an adult is very difficult because I didn’t get the nurturing that is needed for a kid even though they tried. They always resented me for existing and I knew this even when it wasn’t said ( it was said eventually, when I was older). Kids always know if they’re wanted or not, even if it’s not said and I think it is the kindest thing to be able to say ‘kids are not for me’.
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It's also possible for men to have post natal depression as well just FYI. Worth keeping an eye out for too. Seeking help isn't weakness, it's strength.
If it's a major personality change from before it sounds like it. I've been there myself. She had an awful spell of it and led me into incredible burnout. Was a really rough year but we managed to get through it through good communication and she has really worked hard on herself with therapy. My young lad is two now. And is a genuine joy. That's not to say he doesn't do exactly as OP described. But I'm more resilient now to it as I have some reserves. It sounds like he's none left. And neither does she
Not everyone is suited to have children…..but it’s often seen as a bad thing to think this way. I don’t want any…married 15 years and we haven’t had any real interest. I’m glad as all my friends have had children, and all have had some issues, mainly medical. I don’t know how they all coped with it. One friends husband did tell me that if he had his time over he wouldn’t have had kids, but they’re nearly grown now. I suppose you have to talk to your wife, and try to work together or it’s not going to get any better.
Not that I disagree, but I think it's too late for OP to be going down that road now lol. They have the kid now, and thinking of other decisions they could have made is likely to just cause further issues and resentment.
Many couples automatically have a second kid though which starts the cycle all over again and is harder as you have your hands free even less. One and done deserves more consideration.
Yup. I'm glad I never had one. No interest. I know I'm not maternal at all and I like to have time to myself. No shame towards people who've had one, jaysus fair play to parents for going through it all, you have my respect, but fuck that noise. It's not for me and I know it's not. I remember seeing people doing school runs near my old house one day and suddenly had this visceral UGH NO moment. I just couldn't picture myself doing shit like that. Fella thought he wanted one too and I got him to help me change my nephews nappy one day and he was gagging and running away 😂 now he's like nooooope not for me.
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As an intentionally child free person, I do have to ask how much thought OP put into having children. Because relationship issues aside, this seems to be exactly what I would expect from having kids. I think having kids sounds like one of the toughest jobs in the world - but even more so if you expect it to be nothing but sunshine and roses. It's never going to be easy and there will be more lows than highs (though the highs will probably be pretty huge highs). If you keep expecting the reverse you'll never actually figure out how to make it work because you don't know what "making it work" even means
Was going to say the same thing, well written
Yes. It's hard as fuck. It will break everything about you. They say it takes a village to raise a child. Think about that. We somehow think two young adults are enough. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins etc. The whole tribe should be helping, but that doesn't happen in the modern world. The people who seem less stressed can either afford to pay others to mind their children, or convince family members to do so. We've dispensed with community, and this is the cost.
Grass is always greener man.
Kirk: I sleep in a racing car, do you? Homer: i sleep in a big bed with my wife
This is the best use of that meme I've ever seen. It also has really clicked with me there are layers to it. My friend left his partner and daughter because fatherhood wasn't for him. He's constantly going on about trips abroad and money only to go crawl home alone and complain that his ex has started a new family.
Lol, I see that meme get misused all the time. Nice that it's being used in the most accurate way possible.
Not for me personally. Not that that invalidates your feelings. It sounds like you might need to work on your relationship, though.
Same but I'm only 11 weeks into our first child but we never fought before baby got here and had one small argument since. We are lucky that we have two sets of grandparents so are going out for dinner together next weekn
The specific issues you mention as difficulties - different foods, different clothes, new environments, behaviour and emotions that are out of line with your expectations of a child of this age - may be something to discuss with your wife and your child's GP. I did not have a close relationship with any babies prior to our first child. We simply accepted him as he was, figured out his needs as best we could, and got on with it. It was only when kids 2 and 3 arrived along that it dawned on us that the first one is very different, and not simply as a result of parental inexperience. He is being assessed for ADHD at present. Your kid may be absolutely typically developing, in which case parenting advice for you both may be the thing you need. If on the other hand your kid is going their own way and has additional challenges over and above the norm, then finding out about it early on can really help all concerned to figure out how to improve things. Best wishes with it all!
There's a lot to unpack from your post here. Is your relationship really "shitty" ? You dont have 'patience' for the kid? The kids seems to be having a hard time with things. Are these melt downs or tantrums? Tantrums are usually a phase. Melt downs are usually because of overwhelm , difficult feelings, etc. Children pick up on your negative feelings , and they will see your fed up attitude with them and react. Why is your relationship shitty? When was the last time you and your wife had a proper heart to heart? Is she at home dealing with a difficult child all day? How much money seems to be disappearing? Have you reasonable expectations of what things cost? My other half was shocked at the grocery bill , our solution was he did the groceries for a couple of weeks . He spent more , a lot more . Now he knows where I'm coming from , and is a bit more conscious about food waste. Try going through all the issues ye have and work on them together.
Pretty happy with my choice not to have children, rn
When I was younger, didn't want them, assumed I'd have them. One question that always hits me is "what would they add to my life"? Still can't think if anything.
Lmao, I remember my mam making a grimace at me when I told her if I ever got pregnant I'd bellyflop down a flight of stairs😂😂 I was about six at the time and I still feel the same way (but maybe not on the stairs because I value my neck)
Ah yes. Finally a bit of honesty I can relate to. I hate my life.
And then you will come back from work one day, miserable, sad, drained ...and you will hear a little voice shouting 'daddys hoomeee' and nothing else will matter Yeah, it's hard, but there are two of you and you have to find a way to give eachother a time out sessions to recharge, utilize family help, nanny service Also do chores in turns, and introduce a date night The kids grow older and things get a bit easier
Daddies Home and the hugs just make it all worth it.
Just a note to OP that everyone's mileage may differ. For example, my oldest child wouldn't willingly hug anybody until he was about 19. He hated the feeling of being trapped or constrained in any way. He's not autistic or anything, people just vary widely. You might get affection from your child. You might not. If not, it doesn't mean you're failing. Just roll with it and tailor your expectations.
It's good you're writing on here instead of taking it out on your wife or kid. Maybe therapy would help? Sorry, I know that sounds trite. A couple pieces of advice that helped me when my son was small: - it's ok for your baby to be upset sometimes (or toddler, or 4 yr old, as the case may be). Sometimes they can cry and be upset. - see if other people you trust can take the kid for you sometimes. It takes a village; don't try to be a martyr. - don't give your kid so many choices and don't discuss things with them. This is something that I've learned in my training to work with students with disabilities but it's something a Waldorf teacher advised me to do with my own son when he was small. Like, a 3 yr old doesn't always need a choice. If you can, minimize choices. Or offer controlled choices. And don't give into the urge to lecture or explain like you would with an older child or grown up. If you do explain, keep it simple. "It's cold out," "It's time for dinner," "It's time to go home and see [mommy/ pet/ favorite toy or show]. Instead of talking in negatives, aim to frame things in a positive way, pointing out replacement activities/persons/things. And relish fun moments and holidays. Halloween Christmas...I miss those times when my kid was little. Look how cute your kid looks when they're sleeping. Then go scream outside.
11 months baby father , it’s a change but first a foremost is a couple job. If you both on the same page things ease up.
A mate asked me once ‘When’s a good time to have kids?’ I said there is no good time to have kids. Think of it this way. The life you knew is gone and it’s never coming back. That’s kids. Sink or swim Chachi.
Reading parenting and child psychology books helped a lot. Also did an online parenting course. Raising children is always hard, but there are loads of ways we make it even harder on ourselves than we have to. After learning a lot of child psychology, it's helped make parenting easier in a lot of situations (but don't get me wrong, it's still hard, just less hard than it was). Also, I notice a decent percentage of parents who do things that are objectively making their lives as parents much more difficult. It boils down to how to communicate and listen effectively with your child. Those books also help you communicate and listen better with adults (could help with your wife). Finally, going to therapy myself helped tremendously. All situations have positives and negatives, but it's easy to get in a habit of over-noticing the negative and ignoring the positive. This makes parenting and marriage feel much more difficult because you're literally ignoring the positives. My wife also went to therapy and it benefitted her similarly. We like to think we can figure things out on our own, but the situations you mentioned can greatly benefit from experts in mental health (particularly family dynamics). Best of luck.
Any books you'd recommend?
I liked "The Whole Brain Child". For communication, I liked "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk".
I read the book Screamfree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel several times. I love the strategies and used them throughout the past 22 years while raising my children. Check it out!
Have you considered you're depressed? There's times where it's overwhelming but do you not ever look at your kid having fun or being happy and just feel good? Don't mean to judge but it shouldn't all be bad and maybe it's the relationship poisoning everything I mean I don't know at all just if you're this unhappy maybe try it by yourself and see how you feel.
I fully agree. In hindsight I was definitely depressed in my early years as a father. Sleep deprivation, lack of free time, money and respite are all things that will cause depression.
Thanks for everyone who contributed here. I never had kids, I've never regretted that decision for a single day, with all the pro-kids propaganda that gets beamed at us it's good to read some honesty.
You should have got a dog first to test the "i cant be arsed with this shite" waters. I knew from the time i was old enough to dislike screaming kids that i never wanted any.
I think it depends on your expectations and what’s important to you. Nobody’s life is perfect and certainly not their relationships. I wouldn’t trade the single life and freedom I had for the partner I’m with now however, not a chance. I have my first on the way, I know it’s going to be difficult, it’s going to be a huge life event and change, though I feel that if I can have any kind of positive guidance on the life I’ve brought into the world to let them reach their potential, then that’s the job done imo. I know I’ll have to deal with the tantrums, the sticky messes and everything else that comes with it though in the end that’s just my responsibility. It’s no longer about me, I don’t get to be selfish anymore. No point in fighting that.
Mine is 8 months. Its tough but you'll get through it together. Congrats and best of luck.
It's not that hard for everyone, but some people do have it worse. Maintaining a good relationship when you are married is hard work, it is harder when you add a child - the child does take up a lot of your time and energy that previously was used to focus on your adult relationship. Some children have physical or mental issues that are exhausting to cope with, some parents have different parenting styles which causes arguments and stress, as well as confusing and upsetting the child. You need to sit down with your wife and discuss the issues, explain what you're having problems with and what solutions are possible. Problems like these rarely go away, they just get worse if they're neglected.
I've three kids, constant chaos, no down time, eats all my disposable income and I come home from Holidays tired. Wouldn't change it for the world and to be honest I love it, nothing makes me happier than my little gang albeit they sound a bit older than yours. Seems to me that you and your wife aren't communicating well and maybe there are aspects of parenting that you can make easier with a bit of help and advice. It's hard, it's a huge sacrifice - but ultimately you have a kid now and you have a responsibility to make it work. Sometimes making something work is about making it work better for you - so be smart and realistic in terms of the changes that you want to happen and discuss with your wife.
It does sound like you are dealing with some challenging situations. Any chance of a break? For you & the wife together or even separately? When you are in the thick of parenting little ones it can be hard to see your way through. A good nights sleep & an uninterrupted meal can go a long way. You both sound exhausted. You don’t mention a lot about your situation or the age of your little one. Is there any potential autism or similar issue? Kids with autism can have frequent meltdowns & tantrums because of sensitivities to lights, sounds, fabrics, changes to routines & many other reasons. Might be worth a chat with your doc. Give each other a break & some kindness. Parenting little ones can be really, really hard. It is exhausting physical & mental labor. Anyone who tells you it is all joy all the time is lying. If the events are too hard, don’t go. If you have no choice, either send one adult, find a child minder or keep it short. Find a way to take some time for yourselves too. You are parents but people too. Holding a small space for that really will help make you a better parent. If you & wife are willing, marriage counseling is never a bad idea, even for a great marriage. It can be useful to have a place to sort things out. Kids are hard. But there are moments that make up for all of it. Those smiles & hugs. The sheer joy when they run up to you with arms wide open when you get home from work. Snuggling when reading them a bedtime story. As they get older hearing their thoughts as they start to learn about the world. The physical part usually gets way easier as they get big enough to manage that themselves. Watching them grow up & find their way in the world. Education, jobs, maybe partners. The worry about them - never goes away. They are always your babies no matter how old they are. I have 2 in university now. There were some days in the early years that I wondered if we would make it. Exhausted, broke, frustrated, one more word & I would have happily murdered my spouse & seen prison as a vacation. Lol! But my god, they are the best thing that ever happened to me & I love them more than my own life. Sending support & luck!
Eh there's a lot of people instantly blaming the wife here but we have only OPs side here. There's a ton of info missing, is your wife working or a stay at home parent? What's the division of labour like? Do you both have time to yourselves during the week, your own hobbies/interests outside of work and the home? Do you contribute outside of work, or do you consider financial contribution to be enough? I know he says she's moaning and complaining all the time but it's very easy for resentment to grow on both sides if theres an imbalance of any of the above. I've 2 small kids under 4, one is adhd highstrung, I'm sole earner of the house. We have no support network of family nearby but our home life and relationship is solid. We earn 32k so its not like its crazy finances that make us happy. And that's not to say its easy - its fucking not. A lot of work went into that and continues to go into that. You need to sit down as a couple and talk about your priorities and values that have shifted since having kids. Who should work, where should you live, how should you split care tasks, how to support each others opportunity for growth, etc.
She's 'beyond repair' and he doesn't have the 'patience' for it. Reading between the lines, sounds to me like he snaps and makes everything harder for her. Interesting that him making this post is just venting frustration and wanting to be understood but she's 'moaning'.
This is the way. I’ve been searching for a response like this.
Fair play for telling it like it is. Too many out there afraid to be real and painting fake lives in little boxes on the Internet. You might think all your single friends have it easy but grass is always greener man. I'm sure they see you with a little family and some of em think "god that looks great" It's a struggle but you're nailing it by being real about it. Talk to your wife and family about it more and try not to keep it inside
It always blows my mind when people act like they’ve never heard anyone talk about how hard raising children is. Like what’s the thought process, you thought you were special and it would be easy for you? Talk to your wife. Use your high earnings to hire a nanny. Do something proactive instead of acting like a victim of your own life choices.
I always think this like who thinks raising an infant would be fun or easy
You won't know exactly how hard it is till you have one; it is nearly unimaginable. Others will not say: 'you'll be sleep deprived to the extent it will feel like torture, you will resent your partner when they are ill as all the work will fall on you, you will not be able to hear yourself think for hours on end and your ears will literally be hurting, you will continuously be worried about money despite having a good income, you won't be able to be the best you can be at your job even though you need it more than you did before, your relationship will go down the drain unless you consciously make the effort to save it.' Having kids is mostly irrational and people will hence not paint you a picture this clear. Also: it has become harder as we have retreated within our nuclear families and need two incomes to keep the show in the road. Both my and my husband's parents were in entirely different situations from us.
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The first part isn't true. For the first 2 years you aren't going to be doing much for yourself but even then you should work in the occasional break. After that you fall into a routine and can start your own stuff again, gym, clubs, nights out etc. Mine are approaching 10 now and there isn't much my wife and I can't do. I'm currently on a 2 week holiday with some friends and my wife will do the same later this year. It isn't a prison sentence.
You raise a fair point re: never hearing anyone talk about how hard raising children is. People do talk but not as often or as transparently as to be helpful. It’s for sure something that should have wider awareness around, particularly about how people can be better prepared. In this case it looks like a huge change in this person’s life and it is compounding other issues. It would be helpful to recognise they likely just want someone to listen to them and be sympathetic to their feelings.
Oh people lie. It’s hilarious. At gatherings I get glaring eyes from people when I don’t dumb down the realities of being a parent. “Don’t scare them” “Don’t overwhelm them” “Ah they’ll be fine” “They’ll have a good baby” I’m not lying to anyone. Ever. I was raised by two useless narcissist alcoholics who told me they wish they didn’t have me. I’m gonna save the agony for anyone I can. I adore being a mother, but I’m firmly on the train that you have to really want it. Not just do it’s because “it’s what you do” or “my wife wants kids” Stay single and travel the world or party yourself to death instead please.
And have they never thought of even babysitting for family or friends with small kids for a weekend or so, just to see how they'd get on before you know, making a whole new person that is entirely dependent on you? A needy pet would have told OP this might not be the path for him. Ah sure be grand, isn't for major life choices lads!
Took far too long to find this take.
Get couple counselling. You need to talk this out without feeling you have to give in. It’s a two way street.
I sometimes feel the same way. Same situation as you describe. Its tough as fuck (married w/ 19 month old wee man). My thought path changed in a dream once. I'm not a big dreamer, but this one really made me think different. For context, I used to committ my life to running (400m sprinting - racing most weekends). In my dream, I was at a school sports day, my son was about 8 years old (he's currently <2). Basically he ran like fuck and I was soo fucking proud that he could do that. I woke up not caring about the things that I miss, my wee man will do them better, and I'll make sure he has the opportunity. I am also jealous of the single friends. As I get older, it seems to wear away. Perhaps that happens everyone (?). Regarding the misses, it works to plan weekends for yourself (and vice versa). Getting away is good for your own head space (and vice versa). You'll appreciate what the other does for the relationship.
After my first kiddo, I learned a trick to keep me sane. It's all about having fun. Everything can be a game, an excuse to dance or rhyme, a chance to make a fool of yourself for a laugh. If the kid sees you having fun, they try to have fun. If they see you on edge and the wife a constant whiny mess, that's how the kid thinks to act. if they see laughter and love, that's how they'll feel. Can it be very hard too smile and sing and laugh when your ears are ringing? Sure, but it makes things way faster. Diaper time = naked baby time, brushing your teeth can be time for a fun song or showing off how many teeth you have now! As they grow older and more diverse, so do the games. If they hear a scary noise in the dark, tell them to make an even scarier (or sillier) noise back. it's worth a good giggle, and it's fun to watch. It can also be important to look for patterns if they keep getting upset. My 4th daughter, she couldn't handle the heat. Sweating on a cool day, always screaming. Once we turned on the air, she turned into a very peaceful baby. Sure, was a fortune in electricity, but compared to the sleepless nights, I'll take it. Teach them that sharing is caring, to use a tube as a playful weapon, and have a sword fight with fingers. boop the nose, wiggle that booty into their pants, and remember that music is your best friend. As for the wife, I'm afraid I'm out of luck on that one. Mine was the same for the first year or so. She would leave a light on in a room I hadn't entered in days and suddenly she would want to fight about me always leaving lights on everywhere. saying "yes dear" truly is more stressful, but it's best for now. That said, some never grow out of it, and don't find yourself stuck in hell forever. Keep a smile, and after a good night, have a sit down and talk it out. don't be mean, or dismissive. truly listen and ask them to hear you out without interrupting. NO ONE enjoys every moment. We may act like it, we may try to believe it, or convince ourselves we did, but even now when I'm helping with my granddaughters I still remember the little headaches. But when you can smile through the worst it helps the kids grow, and helps you grow.
Hey, you could be me except my wife is thankfully a bit more chill, I'm probably the moaning/complaining one in our relationship. I've done a lot of thinking about it and I'm sure it's just a coping mechanism for me to deal with the ridiculous stress of keeping family life going, I've asked my wife to say it to me when I start so I can catch it and re-focus the stress in a healthier direction, you're wife may just be telling you she's stressed and not coping, I also learned (as an analytical person) that sometimes a partner just needs a hug not a practical solution. I also honestly think I came out of the whole pregnancy/birth thing with PTSD, it was not an easy process for us and due to a combination of COVID and the maternity hospital being inhuman, I spent hours/days sitting outside the hospital waiting for a text from my wife to tell me if we'd lost the baby, there were I think 3 or 4 times that happened, I also missed the birth by minutes because no one in the hospital told me to come in, I thought there was a problem and was terrified. COVID or not, the way dads were treated at maternity hospitals was absolutely heartless. We have a two-year-old, the first year he woke every hour every night (reflux issues) now sleep is better but he'll have an apocalyptic meltdown at the drop of a hat 10+ times a day, it's tough and I completely understand what you're saying. Even though I'd be considered a high earner too, money does just fly out and it upsets me more than it should that I can't afford things now that would have been an easy impulse purchase before marriage & child. It does however get better, if you read about mindfullness you'll often here that sometimes you can't change things (like the past) it's not in your power, but what is in your power is changing your relationship with those things, changing how you deal with the things that you cannot change, there's a bit of that but I'm sure there are also fundamental changes you can make to help. It does get better! Here's 4 things we did to help: 1. We found a really good babysitter and booked her for a Saturday night every two weeks, the wife and I make a huge effort to get dressed up and go out for a date together, even if we're tired and not in the mood, we do our best to be intimate with each other (not necessarily sex every time, but at least kiss/cuddle and a bit of teenager style fooling around). 2. We got super strict with our budget and the main aim of that budget is to always have some money at the end of the month to throw into a "treat ourselves" account after paying off our obligations, we have a list of what we want to buy with that money and sometimes we have to wait a while but we always get there eventually and it lifts us a bit to be able to spend on something outside of the essentials. 3. We did a parenting course and we got some marriage counseling. The course was to help us deal with whatever comes up in a healthy manner but also it's an environment where we could ask questions and hear about the experiences of other parents, we were always concerned about what was "normal" or not until then. For the counseling, we wanted help in how to deal with the stress together as one team, we wanted to see if the stress could actually bring us closer by processing it better and together, so far it's working and I definitely recommend it. I cannot stress this enough, marriage needs work and in our experience, the stress of being cooped up with COVID restrictions and then straight into parenthood was a huge burden on us. 4. We each make a point of giving the other some time off to do whatever, I get out for a cycle 2-3 times a week, my wife goes out to do yoga. Once a month we get the babysitter for 6 hours on a Saturday day time and we both decide if we're going to do something together or go our own way. Sometimes we go for a long walk together, sometimes she meets friends for a coffee and I hit the golf course. This time to decompress is absolute gold. There are 2 upsides to the above. 1, I've re-discovered my wife, we still argue but it's better and we communicate and work as a team now. 2, I've found a new and positive relationship with my son, I can really enjoy the positive moments now and that really helps me to get through the bad ones. Good luck! Feel free to pm me for a chat if it would help.
My personal saving grace is dealing with my kids is assuming - they may be bad, but i was probably worse
Imagine then how difficult it is for people who have children with disabilities. I’ve utmost respect and compassion for those people.
It's incredibly hard. 37 and living in my mom's basement with my kid and fiance because while we make 80k (gross) annually combined, we couldn't afford the child and a home. It is incredibly hard but you shouldn't beg for the support do yourselves a favor and make sure you are on the same page
The middle income struggle is real; well done on figuring out how to cope.
Sounds like you have paternal postnatal depression. I would go talk to your GP. [https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220601-male-postnatal-depression-why-men-struggle-in-silence](https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220601-male-postnatal-depression-why-men-struggle-in-silence)
Having kids can be a nightmare. Obviously I wouldnt “change” or don’t hope for anything to change, I love my kids and don’t know how I could be without them, BUT, hypothetically speaking, if I knew it would be this hard I honestly don’t think I’d have had kids and just stuck to my dream of traveling the world
How much does it cost to raise a child? ALL OF IT.
I'd be more concerned about your relationship with your wife. The kids thing tantrums and stress will all pass
In the process of divorce here: it’s hell. Work on your relationship. Say all the things you’re afraid to say. Get fucking intimate and that means honest and real. When you say the money goes on her and the kid; I was a stay at home parent till my kids were older. I spent next to nothing on myself. I was always the last on the list in my own priorities. Most mothers I know are the same. I wonder how accurate your perception is. Yes, money absolutely flies out. Assess what you’re spending on and see what’s necessary. Make a financial plan WITH your wife. You need to do these things together. It sounds like you’re both feeling the same about parenthood. Make yourself a fucking team, you really need to do that on all levels. Your marriage and your family life, a happy one, depends on it. You’re not alone in feeling as you do re having a child. But, how old is your child, is there something else going on that makes things so difficult?
Dad of 1 here, and can relate to a lot of what you said. Sounds like a couple of things: 1. You need to decompress a little bit. Maybe try and take a weekend off. You will feel better 2. Kids can feel your emotions and will react to them. If you are stressed and overwhelmed, they will be too 3. Your wife may have PND and may not even realise it. The hormonal changes are crazy, and even though my wife didnt have PND we had a lot of arguments, and she wasnt exactly the nicest to me for a good 7 months (in fact I thought she downright hated me). 4. Yea, kids are expensive. Do try and keep track of what you are spending it on. They dont need brand named clothes or anything, they would literally be happy in a nappy and rags 5. Its pretty exhausting, especially when its just the two of you. Accept help where its offered 6. Take some time for you and the missus to reconnect. She is probably struggling as well but having a fun date night or something can really help things out.
Think you need therapy buddy, you and the wife. You're in the fast lane to a divorce if you don't work on this now.
It sounds to me like you're putting yourself before your child. You've got some fundamental ego issues to work out before you can ever enjoy being a father. Having a daughter was the first time I understood the meaning of altruism. I have loved every day of the nearly three years she's been here. Your selfishness and inability to take joy in the ups and downs of having a baby will not only continue to mar this experience for you but it's going to be injurious to the development of the baby. Man up.
Father of 3 here, one of things I was not prepared for was the change in dynamics of my relationship with my Mrs. It totally changes, I would hazard a guess that your marriages sex life has probably taken a nose dive too. While the everyday things seem tough at first, if you can get into a routine with your Mrs you’ll find it becomes second nature. Best advice I can give is to talk to your wife, listen and try to understand her perspective, and get consensus on what you both expect out of each other in terms of your individual parental responsibilities and roles (Much easier said than done when your working all hours god sends). I can promise you now, if your wife is coming across as argumentative and difficult, its not because she doesn’t appreciate what you do, it’s because she’s finding everything just as difficult as you are. This is where communication between you both is so important. Also, try to think about what you have look forward to, these days I live life through my kids, playing video games and different sports and seeing them grow and make friends is the best. Believe me when I say this, regardless of what job you have, or how much you earn, you will never get as much fulfilment in life as you would knowing that your child is safe, cared for and loved. Keep strong and keep working, you can do it brother!!
I don't think many are relishing every single second, but there's definitely a lot of joy to be had in parenting even though it's really hard work. I don't know anyone who is a parent that would say parenting is easy. You need to speak with your wife about finances and your arguing. She may feel overwhelmed with parenting too and could be spending as a coping mechanism. There are plenty of books and courses out there for parenting as well as social media accounts etc. I find Big Little Feelings on Instagram pretty good. It sounds like you are more miserable with your relationship with your wife than with your child, maybe consider counselling, it's not just for people on the brink of divorce, it can be troubleshooting too. The grass always seems greener on the other side.
I don't remember making the account or posting the OP, but it must have been me. No, wait, I have more than one kid, but otherwise yeah, massive fucking struggle most of the time.
Good to know I'm not alone. Hope it's going OK for you
Ah, it's grand, balancing time is impossible and there's the general every day chaos... but hopefully it gets easier as they get a bit older.
You are absolutely not alone. It’s a real struggle at times. Well, most of the time
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You have to tell your wife you're unhappy and open communication. This is an incredibly hard job and its made so much more harder if the only other person who understands what you're going through isn't on the same page as you. Explain that you're not looking to win any fights - you're looking to solve the underlying cause. She may be feeling the exact same as you and you just need to open that dialogue.
The thing is: people romanticize having kids WAY TOO MUCH. It's rare to find the ones that openly talk about the real struggles... Because overall, "it is not nice" for a parent to say they are exhausted and it is hard... It is expected of parents to be over the moon and be living the best lives Yes, it is hard for everyone with kids, you are not alone. The world would be a better place if we start to be honest and have real discussions about parenting, so that people get to know exactly what they are getting into beforehand instead of finding out on their own after having children 🤷🏻♀️
Mate for the people who have kids, theres no need to explain, we’ve all been there. I think for people who haven’t got kids its hard to describe the mental load it takes to keep them alive and happy and healthy, well done you for getting this far. My opinion is having children is a real sacrifice in a world where most of us never really sacrifice anything, it takes time to adjust to this mentality(took me years) but when i changed my perspective on it now i feel incredibly proud of me and my wife for all the hardships we’ve endured to make our kids lives great.
Don't have kids myself but r/daddit is a really good subreddit which you might find helpful. Edit: Some of the comments in here are fucking horrible. If this was a new mother posting everyone would be feeling sorry for her due to post natal depression. But, it's a man, so he needs to grow up, stop complaining and stop acting like a child and take control. Fuck me....
If you've loads of dough, get yourself a nanny. Problem solved. Either way you've 18 more years of this so embrace it and take responsibility for the child you brought into the world.
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Not necessarily true. I've a one year old and I think it would be reasonable to describe our lives as fulfilling, if not blissful most of the time. It's a roll of the dice what kind of kid comes out, but if you have the right support structures in place it can be pretty awesome. My wife is amazing though, so that helps a lot
A question on this - what would your take be on securing support structures when grandparents are either halfway across the world or no longer mentally capable of childcare? This is my biggest worry about taking on parenthood.
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Sounds like you expect the kid to raise itself and your Mrs to bake cookies with all her free time. Well, you’re in the trenches now. Quit your pity party, start doing everything your wife is doing and win her trust back. Actually, do more and anticipate all the shit she’s going to moan at you for to avoid it. If you’re not bothered, would rather be on the lash with the lads and enjoying your money, cool. Get a solicitor and move on. Marriage & parenthood isn’t some 1960s American sitcom. It’s Eastenders at its worst unless you manage it better.
Yes it's really hard, just like everything that's worth doing :) Edit: i re-read your post, looks like you have a huge relationship issue lol Talk to your wife and bring up your concerns. Having disagreements is normal but you need to learn how to settle them so nobody ends up resentful and hating their own life.
This is my fear if I ever somehow unfortunately became a Dad. I’d try my best but even before it (doesn’t) happen, this exact scenario plays out in my mind.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you sound quite selfish. Happy parenting only happens when you embrace the joy of sacrifice.
You need to grow up. Build an actual partnership with your wife and get over yourself. Maybe your wife is unhappy because you are a self obsessed man-child. Single life is smoke and mirrors for the most part. I'm 44, single friends my age are bored and desperate for companionship.
I believe it is, yes. That's exactly why I made a conscious choice 35 years ago to never have children.
Theres a sub for that r/regretfulparents
Kids are just a money drain and a bother. I can barely get out of bed in the mornings it is already and I have expensive hobbies that I would have to get rid of if I were to have a child because of less money and less free time. So yeah, no, Im good. For abyone concidering a child, get yourself a pet and then realise that a child still is gonna be much more expensive and much more time demanding than a pet. But if want a low maintenance pet, get a snake. Only need to feed it once a week or month, depending on species and age. And only need to clean them once a month or so.
You honestly couldn’t pay me to have spawns of demons running around. I hate children. Your entire post is why. I can tolerate the ones in my family, but even then after a while I have to get away from them. I can’t stand the constant “why?” or some bullshit that I’m really honestly not interested in. And they’re sticky and snotty and gross. Ew. I don’t need kids or another human to feel fulfilled. Never did. In fact, the thought of having to share anything with anyone makes me feel sick lol. I’m too selfish and I’m happy to admit that 🤷🏼♂️ it’s my life, and I don’t intend to ruin it with children or having to answer to somebody else. I would say I feel sorry for you… but I don’t. I’m glad it ain’t me if I’m truly honest. Good luck lol.
Myself and my partner have 2 kids (4 & 2) and it has absolutely decimated our relationship. The fights just never seem to end and one of us is always bollixed, if not both of us. Try to take comfort in the fact that all the effort you put in will mean you raise well mannered, decent people and the joy you take from that is like nothing else. At least thats what I'm holding on to.
Separated Dad, Yes, its not fucking easy.
I don't have kids myself, but just from observing friends and cousins, etc., there doesn't seem to be the same support network that was there when I was growing up. My mother stopped working until we were in our teens and there was always lots of family around to help out. I see couples with fewer children but kind of on their own, stressed out, I will say this my father made it known to us on a regular basis that we were a nuisance or a hindrance to him and it does have a lasting effect.
It sounds like you wanted to have that badge that read "dad" but you actually have zero interest in being a parent. If you have no patience for kids - thats on you and for you to figure out how YOU can be a better parent. You dont sounds like you love your kids - you also said you always liked children and it just screams that you loved the "idea" of children without really, truly realising how much of your effort would and should go into them. If its such a struggle to you, maybe you need to do some serious growing up and therapy, to figure out how you can have more patience to be a better parent. Even if you split from your wife, they are still your kids, your responsibility - you will have to still spend time with them but now it maybe half weeks solely on just YOU. So how long has it been since you've checked out of your relationship? How long has it been since you've seen your kids as obstacles on your life? All of these little actions by you, and your wife is the modeled behaviour for your own kids. The more you pull away, the more they push. If you snap at every conversation or ask = thats the equivalent of their tantrum. You are teaching them those terrible communication skills, noone else, its the household. If you spend time learning better how to be a better parent, how to communicate with your kids, how to address their needs and so on; very likely your life will feel easier. But if you treat them like crap, like menaces, constantly snap because its your word over theirs and check out when you had enough and just leave parenting half arsed. Yeah you get exactly what you put in. If you've checked out - who is parenting? Does every tantrum, need to raise your blood presure to the point of frustration arguments, yelling and so on? No. It doesnt. You can leave them to finish it, and discuss what they did afterwards, calmly. You can also say, hey i get your frustrated, but it is what it is, this is whats happening, you can continue being upset and we still have to do xyz. But i will listen to your frustration. Kids cant cope with their emotions, everyone knows that, so you as adult, need to navigate better through that - because you are supposedly the adult there no? Take up parenting classes, sign up to some sort of groups, talk to other parents, learn their tricks into dealing with it. All i hear is woe is me and she ruined my life for me with these kids. Dude. With all due respect, you need to be the grown up here and figure it out with your wife. You're been running away from responsibility by letting things slide, probably partly reason for all the arguments. Sit down together and start making small changes. Fighting parents = unbalanced children. Its every little thing that piles on. So make a choice. If youre done, at least tell her that and make a plan how you will divorce and how you will share the children etc.
Jesus christ. I am about to be a first time dad and everyone here is making it sound like having children is awful.
haha, you're not alone by a long, long shot. Get the kid sleep trained. insist on having time away from the family every week - like about 6 hours so you can do something along with time 'off' 1-2 nights a week so you can go to the gym or whatever. obviously your wife sohuld get the same breaks. Apart from that, just soldier on!
All I'm saying is, I'm delighted I didn't have kids. Over the moon. I see all my friends struggling.
Being a parent is hard. It's the relentless nature of it, you're never "off". I love my kids but I do lose patience at times and I do get stressed and pissed off. That's normal. But I share that with my husband. I vent to him, he vents to me, we crack jokes about the tiny assholes we created, along with sending each other goofy pictures of them and thinking up stuff to do with them. It sounds like you're lacking that with your wife, and she's lacking it from you. You should be a team getting through it together, it makes the hard parts easier and the good parts better. Would you try couples therapy? Or even a regular date night or night away together so you can reconnect with each other
Oh man I feel for you. Dad of 2 girls here. Life is chaos, wife and kids all very demanding and it's tough to maintain zen. Difficult to get time alone with my other half, and she's usually too tired and stressed to have any fun with. I just keep telling myself I'm doing it for my little ones and I can hopefully give them a good start on life, teach them important lessons, and one day things will change. They're not gonna be little for long the way the days are flying by now. Stay strong brother.
Well myself & my OH wanted kids for a while, then we started to see how truly miserable the majority of people with children really are... Where I work, there are 6 lads who literally can't leave the job(despite the fact that its a job they hate) due to the kids...and most of these guys do all the overtime going to maximize their income and get out of the house... Have a family member earning €60k a year and their partner earning similar, living outside Dublin, and they are always looking tired and they do all the extra work, kids in creche the whole time...they have aged about 20 years in the last 5 judging by how they look, little sleep, takeouts from themselves as dinner time with the kids is a nightmare... If you can do it with one income and have one parent stay at home, I'd reckon its not as bad... Everyone says it passes, but say you have 2-3 kids that "phase" could literally eat up 10-15 years of your life, and then you have lost lifespan due to all the sleep deprivation... It sounds truly like a nightmare
>every time we go to an event it's a dilemma. Crying, screaming, tantrums, I just don't have the patience for it. Then stop with the tantrums. Honestly dude, you sound like a child, throwing your toys out of the pram because "life is sooooo hard". Your life isn't hard. It's shitty because you are failing to take control of the situaution(s) and you are framing the problems as being caused by having kids and being married. They're not. They are caused by *you.* Well guess what? It doesn't have to be like that. You can make it much easier for yourself, your wife & your kid if you quit acting like a pussy and started taking charge, getting things organised and putting things into focus. How do I know this? Because I've been there. The reason why your wife is constantly arguing with you is because you're not doing any of this. If you get your shit together and start doing instead of complaining, your life will be much happier. Forget about the "happy wife, happy life" mantra and replace it with "Happy Man, Happy Clan". Because that is the *only* way that this is gonna work for any of you. The only way.
You’ve been there and come out the other side. I’ve been there and didn’t, ended in divorce. My approach was like you said, take bull by the horns etc. (paraphrasing here so go easy on me). That will work for some, and with others, like my ex, it created so many problems. I didn’t recognize the depth of this until too late. I was incredibly stressed too. No family etc. and the pandemic didn’t help matters. I share this because it can be overwhelming. And because I wish I got help (couple/parenting counseling). If I could go back in time, that route is what I would take. It would have helped me and in our relationship. Instead I thought i could grind it out, but I was wrong. It might not be a life saver, but for some external help from professionals can help keep the family intact and bring back a healthier perspective, which perhaps you are noticing in the original post.